Season 2 | Episode 54 | New Year Goal Setting with Clients

Hey, dude.

Rhett. What's up, brother? Episode 54 what We Are meaning business.

This time we're cranking along.

Let's talk about the business we're talking about today.

Can I share a little addiction I have right now? Tell me, can you see what this is?

Oh, you found a fidget, didn't you?

Well, it's a pipe cleaner, and I. Oh, after Tanner did the intervention last year with the pipe cleaner stuff.

Yeah.

I have a stack in my office.

Yeah.

And I've. I've realized over the last couple months that I've. I'm, like, taking them, and I. I. Not only do I use them in therapy for interventions, but I find myself, like, fidgeting or playing around with it a lot. Am I alone here?

I. I will play around mine a lot of the time. The thing I play around with most of my therapy office is because of you, actually, when you first gave your talk at. At the first RT Summit.

Yeah.

I have, like, a Rubik's Cube in my office.

Oh, yeah.

And I will. I will, like, look at that stinking thing, and I'll, like, put it together really quick. Like, I had no clue how to do a Rubik's Cube beforehand.

Right.

But it got me into it. Like, I started doing the Rubik's Cube a lot, so I. It's. It's all your fault. You got me addicted to the Rubik's Cube, bro.

Yeah, I just didn't. I noticed as I was talking to you, I was like, oh, I'm. I'm fidgeting with this pipe cleaner, and this thing that's meant to be an intervention has become this thing. And I notice with clients, like, when they're anxious, sometimes I'll literally just pass them a pipe cleaner.

Yeah.

They just kind of calm down. They just kind of have this thing that they're shaping in their hands. It's really interesting. So.

Anyways, I remember, like, early working with Terry. One of the things that he would teach us when doing therapy is, like, if you grab an object and you kind of put it up in front of you, like, I'm. I have a pin in my hand right now.

Yeah.

And. And. And you, like, hold it up, and your clients will instantly look at that a lot of times. And if you, like, focus your attention on it, you can actually help your client to reset. So, like, using, like, your body or, like, what you're doing there is a great thing to draw out your clients and to slow them down. But I think the pipe cleaner is even better because it's long and it's like a wand.

Yeah.

It's like you can whip that, like, wand out and people will be like.

Huh, it's really soothing. And they're very inexpensive, so.

Yes.

Well, we'll discuss this another time. Sorry, people. Didn't mean to go off track there.

No, it's good.

It's an observation. We are at the end of January almost, and Lance and I thought let's touch base before we leave January because we realized that we kind of have different perspective, our views in the new year with clients and how we approach goals and clients coming in with goals.

Yeah, yeah. Do you, do you want to say how you like to start things out and then I'll tell I do it? Yeah.

Well, you know, everybody comes in usually at the beginning of the new year, and they have a list of things that they want to work on. I don't even have to prompt it, but usually I will say, hey, what have you been thinking about as we turn the page on this year in terms of goals or habits, things that you're about and something. And again, this may be to my own bias in my own experience over the years and what works for me, but I think also James Clear's book Atomic Habits, which I love, has a phrase in there that I love. He talks about really the importance of re, like reducing the scope but keeping the habit. And how I've thought about that over the years is people often come in with like a hundred things they want to work on. Right. And then they're overwhelmed instantly with like, two, three weeks into it.

Yeah.

And so they, they just kind of. Those things, they just drop or they just say forget about it. And I thought a lot about that phrase of, you know, just, just idea of to reduce the scope and keep the habit. And so I've been thinking more about what are the one or two things that I can just focus on. A client can focus on that they can be consistent with, that the scope is low, but their ability to show up and be consistent with it is really high. And that over the long period of a year, it really makes a significant shift. I've heard that phrase too. I don't. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it justice. But that idea that heard some different writers talk about it, how we greatly overestimate what we can do in the course of a year and underestimate what we can do over five to 10 years.

Exactly.

So we come in guns blazing with all this stuff. Right. And I so I. Lance, I've just been thinking about helping a client identify, like one thing, maybe two, that. Let's just be about that for 20, 26. You're obviously here in counseling with me too. So how can I come alongside you to support that goal and provide a certain level of. Level of accountability? That goal might be something in terms of improving a relationship. Right. And showing up consistently over time in that relationship in some healthy ways. It might be related to working out and just showing up consistently in the gym or on the road or wherever you like to work out. And when life gets overwhelming, instead of just saying, I don't have time for it to say, well, maybe I have time for 10 minutes this week and that's all I got, so. And maybe it's because of my age too, you know?

Yeah.

That I'm thinking more about being singular, focused on something I can do over the next decade versus trying to get a bunch of stuff done.

Which, by the way, happy birthday, bro.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, Congratulations.

I appreciate it.

Glad you made it.

I'm 51 now. 51.

Big time, Rhett.

Thank you. So what do you think about that approach?

I like it. You know, I think. I like. I like to, you know, for. For a client gives you something. It's a great check in tool. How are you doing with your one goal? Where's that app for you? How's that? You know, I think that's awesome. And I like to get there, but I like to get there by starting with the hundred.

Okay, the hundred. Tell me about this.

So one of this. So this is something I got from my. Before I met Terry, I had this mentor. Dude, check out my mentor's name. Darren Picasso Bowser Anderson.

Wow.

And he went by Picasso back in the day when I met him. So if you're meeting with Picasso, you know you're going to get some interesting stuff in your life. Yeah. Imagine a skinny black guy who's super tall and very just like, just flows in the spirit like no other. Well, he challenged us. He said, you know what? Based off what you said, you know, we underestimate what we can do in 10 years and we overestimate what we can do in one year. He said, lance, I want you to come up with your 100 item bucket list.

Okay?

Hundred item bucket list.

Which.

And he was like, look, we're not doing. Because you can come up with 10 really quick. You can come with 20 really quick. But the minute you have to come up with a hundred, now you have to really think about what you really Want out of life. So I actually do this a lot with my clients. I like to use this probably later phase therapy as we're starting to integrate the four steps work when they're regulated, when they're thinking through like action items and where they're trying to go in life. So I will throw down, like, hey, I want you to put together a hundred item bucket list on things that you desire. And you know, they can do categories and stuff like that. A lot of times it's travel or things like that. But it's really fascinating. You'll find clients that have these really, you know, and I tell them to dream.

Right.

I want you to go big. Yeah. And they'll, they'll come up with lots of different things and, and dreams for. It's funny, sometimes they come up with dreams for other people, but I love it. And I, I've gotten a lot of like, when they come in, like, wow, I, I really thought about this. I've had clients literally like 10 years later be like, bro, I just, I, I am at like number 60 on my bucket list where, where they're actually knocking them out and, and taking, taking, taking them on. And there's been clients, they're like, I don't really like what I'm doing with my life right now. I need to change things. And as I look at this, I'm actually seeing a map in front of me. So that's why I like to do this hundred item bucket list with my clients because it helps them to look at themselves. Go back to, you know, Terry talks about virtue a lot. And you can kind of really pick out a lot of the virtues that people have. You know, if they have a lot of travel. I see. Wow, this person really is into adventure. Yeah, they have a lot of stuff around family. I'm like, oh, this person's really about connection and love. You know, if they have like a lot of like giving, you know, I had a client, they're like, I want to give away a million dollars. I want to buy a house for somebody, you know, like they, that tells me where they are. So, and, and that, that's something that I can kind of integrate with, you know, identity work. For instance, like, what would you say about a person with. If. That if they accomplished all these goals at the end of their lives, what would you say about that person? So it's like a sneaky way to use the future self, you know, and you know, what is it going to take for you to know about yourself to be able to accomplish these Tasks, you know, or about your situation, you know, how are you going to say you overcame that? That really. Which on this list is going to be the hardest to accomplish? Like, what. What are you going to have to do in your life to be able to do that? And, like, I guess I'm going to have to go back to school and work on this thing. And so it's. I find it to be great to kind of go into doing peace cycle work as well. If you want to do it, then.

No, I could get on board with that. I like that. In fact, it reminds me, there's a book back here, Patrick Lencioni's I Used Man. I use this all the time in therapy. Yeah. The three big questions for a frantic family. And. And essentially what he does in the book is a couple will, like, just brainstorm all the things that they're interested in, what they love. Right. And then you sift through that and you start to see there are some core values aligned around a couple of key areas, like adventure, faith. Yeah. Time with family. Right. And then those key core areas become a part of, like, this mission statement that you help a couple create and stuff. And so I. I think we're kind of saying the same thing. Maybe just approach it differently. I. I like the idea of having people go home and just write out a bunch, because you're right. If you do a huge list, by the time you get to, like, 80 or 70, you're having to really think about those things. But I do think once we've identified those, like, let's call it core areas or things that seem to be gravitating around one thing, I really want to encourage clients to be, like, singular focused on one of those two things and to really push in that direction and not chase all the other things. Does that make sense?

100%? I think that's what. I think it's. I think it's actually funny because I think we actually, at the end of the day, we get to the. We're in the same vein. But yeah. Because once you can dial your client in and say, okay, what are the priority items here and what do you need to do in your life to get there? That's going to really shift things around. Like, I really want a quality relationship with my kids. Well, what are you doing in your life now that's really helping you to get there? Well, I work all the time, and I'm doing yada, yada, yada, yada. I'm like, well, are you interacting with your kids during this time Are you writing them notes? Are you. What are you doing? Like, how are you making that work? And, you know, what would it be like if.

What.

What would you need to do? Well, I need to, like, take ownership over my life more. Like, okay, what does that look like? You know, so we have healthier conversations, you know, leaning them into, you know, their truths and. And helping them. It's great, too, when. Because you can go opposite with it and say, you know, like, use. Like lean into the pain cycle a little bit more to be like, wow, you know, like, when you look at this list, you know, is that actually possible? Like, no, I'm a failure. I can't do it. It's overwhelming. Like, you know, and you could use the note card intervention if you wanted to.

Yeah.

Could you imagine a hundred. No cards all over the floor?

No, that'd be. That'd be pretty good intervention because you could walk around a lot of cards and get into the experience.

Yeah. I don't have my clients categorize, so it's like, not, like, super crazy.

Yeah, I. And I guess I tend to have a million different things I want to work on and goals. So for me, it's probably really important to be focused on one or two and put my energy towards that because I. I can easily get distracted by too many things. And then instead of having some heat and flames in these one or two areas, everything. Everything's just kind of simmering in a bunch of them.

Yes. Yeah, that. That. That is very easy to happen. So we have a lot of things on the periphery. I think it's really good to focus them in on those items. So. Yeah, man.

Do you have any for you, one or two big goals you're kind of focused on this year?

Well, one is one that, like. Let's see here. Which ones do I want to name? I'm afraid to name them.

I. I know there's. We don't have to name all of them because I know you and I have quite a few different things that we could probably talk about. Is there one or two that maybe is interesting or new to you that you're kind of focused on or that is taking a lot of your energy, that you think about it a lot. You get, like, really excited about it.

Yeah. I mean, this. This big thing that we've been doing recently as far as with rt is like, I feel like I have a lot of gift developing the network, and so I, like, one of my big goals, particularly for our community, is. Is really developing our. Our network to the next level. And making things this RT dialogue, not just Lance and Rhett and you know, one of our favorite people on here, but like actually having a easy network for people to connect with. Because I'm really dedicated to our community and I'd really like to see that was seeing some personal goals is. You know, I'd really like to last. Last year I finished my doctorate, so all my reading was like, dictated to me and I had to read some really boring stuff. So I think this year I'm really looking forward to re. Engaging and. And reading some, you know, some good. Good material, good books for. For the year. That's, you know, like I want to engage with. With stuff I haven't engaged with in a while and. Yeah. You know, challenge myself in different ways.

It's good, man. I'll share with you a couple. Yeah.

Tell me yours.

One is I asked for a guitar for Christmas and because probably since like high school there's been a guitar in my house. I'm not a guitar player and I would fiddle with it. And then in college I took like a. A semester of like class guitar. But I never, like. I never play guitar. Like, I just. It's not. I grew up playing a piano a little bit. I don't play guitar. And my daughter is a really good guitar player and been playing. And so I've been inspired. And so I got a guitar for Christmas. I've been spending probably a few hours a week just learning things on my own and playing. I plan to take lessons here soon, but I wanted. I just wanted to learn something new.

Yeah.

And I At my age too, which I know that's not old, but like, you know, when you get older, I think it's important to keep learning new things and things that involve not just your cognitive skill, but like physical stuff. And so guitar, I think I'm really interested in. Maybe Justin can help me out. Justin Little.

Justin Little. I don't know if he. Justin's like such a savant. Like, I know listens to stuff and it's on the guitar.

Like, he's the guy who, like, you mentioned a song. He's just jamming it.

Like, how. What? He's like, wait one second. It's like watching the Matrix. Like when, like, they're like downloading things. Oh, I got it.

Let me tell you another goal that I'm just doing differently than the past.

Yeah.

So I decided I'm gonna. I'm. I'm reading through the Bible again. But I decided why do I have to do it in like three months? Or six months or a year, which I've all done in the past. Just reading it straight through. Right. And I'm like, you know what? I'm just going to read it over the course of two years. Oh, go deeper with it. And, you know, over the course of two years, that averages to two. Two chapters a day. Because I felt this pressure, like, in my. My identity to perform a lot. And so performing means I do all these things, and I do them at a certain rate and faster. And I'm like, I'm just gonna slow down and I'm just gonna read it over two years, and that's okay. Like, there's no pressure. Like, why am I judging myself based on that? And so I just share that because it's something. Like, it's not a new goal in my life that I've never done, but I'm just thinking about it differently, I guess.

That's good.

Trying to be consistent over a longer period of time.

Nice. And do you do, like, chronological? Like, what's your flow?

I always do Genesis, Revelation, and I always use nrsv, and I don't use notes or read. I don't. I don't want any commentary. I. I just want to.

I don't need your commentary. No.

Yeah. I don't. I don't want commentary. I just want to read. And that also helps me engage kind of my MDIV pass, too. Like, I might pull out some tools or, like, think about stuff I've read, but I don't want to look at, you know. You know what I'm saying? Some Bibles have, like, tons of notes. I just like to take the text and just read that and see what God's saying to me.

Is that. Do you have Nestle alond up there in your. Is that what I see?

That is the Book of Common Prayer. But I do have Nestleand at home. Yeah.

Yeah. I. Every now and then I will go in and do. I'm gonna. I'm like, I'm gonna jump in. I'm gonna do a. Like, I'm gonna go all the way through the Greek as I read through this book. And I love it so much. I have the Logos Bible tool, so it's like, so easy to pull it up. But that's awesome. I. I like the slowing it down and taking your time, not pressuring yourself and taking, like, two months or two years to take it all in.

Yeah. I have a devotional that I've had for, like, 20, 25, 30 years called light on the Path. And every day There's a reading in Hebrew and in Greek, like a sentence from a passage of scripture with, like, a theme, and I. I have it, and then I look at it and I'm like, oh, it's been too long since I've done Hebrew in Greek. I might know a little Greek better than Hebrew. So I started the year off with that devotional, and that slowly has made its way to the side. I'm just focused on. I'm just focused on the English text.

Yes.

So. But anyways, that's. Yeah, that's cool to hear, man. I'm excited to see your continued work in the RT community and how this grows this year.

I feel like I need a better challenge. What do you think? I wanted something bigger for my. What do you think I should do?

Well, I, you know, like you said, you finished your doctorate recently, and you've been doing a lot of intellectual pursuits and community. And, you know, I hear you talk about, like, climbing a lot, and you haven't climbed in a long time. Really climbing kind of got away from you for various reasons. And part of me is like, I wonder if this is the year Lance does some climbing or outdoorsy stuff.

Wow. I. I might take you up on that. I was. I was literally talking with my guys. We. I serve every Monday with my friends, and we were hiking, and, you know, I lost to a close friend of mine to suicide, and he was my backpacking buddy or my rock climbing partner. And so I've been really debating, like, I haven't. It's been so hard for me to get back into rock climbing. But maybe this is the year where I say, you know what? I'm gonna go for it, or I.

Don'T say this out loud, but I'm going to, because, you know, we should say something out loud. But I just got my license in Colorado this last week, my lmft. And you and I have been talking about doing our anxiety intensive or men's intensive stuff. And California is always an option because you're licensed there, right? Yep. Texas is an option because I'm licensed here. But you and I both have a love of also the outdoors, and Colorado is unbelievable.

Yes.

I don't know, maybe this is one of the years where we both get into the outdoors around some therapeutic stuff with some other people. I don't know. That's just. I'm just throwing that out there. Let's do it as a dream.

Okay. I. I'm receiving all these things, so I'm going to. I'm going to lean in. I think this is the year I'm going to get back into rock climbing. And I had the goal last year to. To hike the High Sierra trail.

Yeah.

And I didn't do it because the doctor took me over. But, you know, I'm gonna put a tick. I'm gonna put a. A climb or something on my list of things to do. Thanks. You centered me, bro.

Thank. And, you know, I guess we want to encourage everybody listening, you know, to maybe write down the hundred things that you're, like, interested in or goals for this year and to. To sit with it a little bit and see if there's any themes that really emerge that may be what is going to be highlighted for you this year or what you are being encouraged to lean into.

Absolutely. Go for it, guys.

Yeah, it's exciting year. It's going to be awesome. And then we can all share our stories at the summit in Malibu of March 27th. Yeah.

Love it. Definitely. Good times.

Good hanging out. I know it's a short episode, people. We just wanted to kind of touch base and keep this RT dialogue going.

Keep talking.

See you later.