10. Fear Of Failure Or Love For Greatness

Welcome to another episode of Real Dad Movement Podcast. In this episode we talk about the difference between a fear of failure or a love for greatness. What do you mean now? What do you mean by fear of failure or love for greatness? It's very interesting when you look over the course of your life and a lot of it, yes, can be defined around things like sports, team sports, performance, physical performance and whatnot. But as we get older, we change gears. Not that you can't be an athlete or be sport driven as you enter the second half in life, but we shift the focus around decision making processes that include more than us and affect more than just ourselves, our families, our children, our wives, our community or our inner circle. Even with your business and work, who you influence there and then the extended family. So we feel this pressure and burden and overwhelm at times, but ultimately it comes down to a preset conditioning and a set of conditions that we put in place, planting the seed, so to speak, at earlier stages of life. This is something that became apparent to me when I became a father for the first time because ultimately what I didn't realize was that, yes, while I was proud of myself whilst I was driving towards a level of greatness and had that tenacity and ambition to reach it no matter what, in all forms of performance, initially it was sport, a lot of it was actually a drive out of a fear of failure. And this is what I mean. And I want you to think about areas of your life and especially current. I can't help you with your past. I can help you learn and reflect on it. I can't help you with your past. But this is about diving into where you are now, where you are going, and the set of energy and frequency that you are putting out there. Am I operating out of fear of failure or a love for greatness? This is what I mean on a personal level level, for me, I was an incredible athlete when I was very young. Child soccer superstar, prodigy. Like I've started soccer when I was three and under sixes. So by the time I was six, I was just dominating everyone else. And I was a big boy as well, very experienced, very coordinated and not gifted. I worked hard, naturally, but it's something that, you know, I was just crushing sport. And as I started to get a little bit older and fall to, I guess, the gluttony of food and I wouldn't necessarily say laziness, I feel like there are definitely lazy periods of my life. We all have that in us and it's not a Good or a bad. But for me, that was overwhelmingly more than the hard work that I was putting in, coupled with being half Italian, not that that's any excuse, but being exposed to an environment where, yes, mum and dad gave us a lot of good food, but I was a glutton and had too much as well as having too much shit food. I ultimately started becoming overweight around the age of eight and carried that through to about 16, 17, peaking at around the 114 kilo mark when I was 12 years of age. So clinically obese for sure now. Yes, I had, you know, some muscle in my legs and arms and other things, but you couldn't see that, not at that age. So whilst I wasn't a blubbery cellulite mess that couldn't even stand up, yes, I was heavily overweight, I was obese by a lot of standards. But for myself, it's a term that I really feel uncomfortable describing. And even to this day I don't like saying that because it reflects on a standard that I don't care if someone listening to this is obese, but a standard inside of myself that is fucking disgusting. But that was life. I felt blessed for it as well, at the same time, because it's made me who I am. Hard part is, though, in those periods of time, or that period of time between 8 and 16 where a lot of it's your hormones, your testosterone going through puberty, all that sort of stuff. There are different social media factors in how we are constructed around life and community and schools and family. Having older brothers, then eventually a younger brother who was nine years younger than me. There became a set of conditions and rules in my eyes where the public perception of power was one who wasn't obese or fat, was one who could perform well in sport, was one who could pull chicks or, you know, talk to girls or have that confidence with females and women, confidence inside of themselves, stand up for themselves, fight. And look, I got in plenty of fights in school defending myself, but someone who just has that air, that presence, all these different factors of perceived power in society and you know what it's like, you've all been to school. It changes, obviously, as time changes, and it's probably a lot more chaotic now with multiple environments that children can tap into immediately with the Internet. But it's something where I hit a heavy level of depression, man. I dived into food as my. As my comfort, you know, Computer games. Absolutely. And I guess I'm still a nerd at heart. Like, I do love Tech. But I'm not big on what tech can take away from us in being present in life. But I do love what it can provide, which is why our program is phenomenal for fathers and time. Effective for sure. But yeah, I dived into computer games, all that sort of shit, and just lost myself in a world of fantasy. Putting on weight, gaining weight, having no confidence, no self esteem, no girls liked me. And all of this led to an inner fire that, thank fuck, excuse the French, was equally coupled or at least had a portion of an inner fire to drive me to a love of greatness and a love for greatness. Because there was a large portion that was operating out of a fear of failure as well. And I didn't recognize that until I became a father for the first time. Because what that is, is a seeking. It's a searching for an external point or external points of validation. Validating and defining who you are based off what someone else says, what something else occurs or when something else occurs, or how something else occurs in your life. An external result, an outcome, something you do with work, with your family. All these different things. Yeah, they can be great. Yeah, they can influence you. But this was defining me, man. Like, for me, I had to lose weight, you know, I had to get a girlfriend. I had to get fit and strong. I had to show how strong and powerful I was. And this led to this obsession. Like I said, there was a small portion inside of a higher sense, a higher version of Al that did keep me on the straight narrow. Which means when I got the results and rewards, my ego wasn't completely fucking skewed. It was there. Don't worry about that. I was the king of the castle in year 12. And I was the backseat king. I used to sit on the back seat of the bus and push all the other fucking kids that weren't in year 12 away. And I just contained and held the entire back area of the bus. And I used to wail and rip on everyone. I became the bully. Getting bullied and picked on everything. I became the bully because it was my status to go, well, fuck you. I've done all this work. This is how powerful I am. Now. I'm better than you. That's not something I'm proud of, but it's something that I've learned from. And I feel valued in myself to be able to see that. It's definitely not the path, it's definitely not the way forward. Now look, a lot of the times when it came down to bullying, it was shits and giggles. And ways to draw laughs from the crowd or those around. There was rarely a moment where I'd be one on one with someone and just wailing on them just because. Did this lead to altercations and fights? Yeah, of course it did. Naturally. When we're looking at the fear of failure, the reason why this is one thing I wish was explained properly to me. Not that it was my parents fault or anyone's fault, but when it comes to a fear of failure, this is something that bullies ultimately feel like they pick on the nerd because the nerd has a sense of self, contentment or value. Even if they keep to themselves and they're good at computing, computer or physics or biology or whatnot, even if they're good at that, the bully sees it and goes, how dare you excel at something better than I am. I must pull you down so that you are exposed to be nothing that I am. Even though we may have strengths in completely different fields, it's a level of insecurity, it's fear of failure which drives an external rise. To put yourself on the pedestal and create the illusion of elevation through ultimately pulling down the standard of others around you. That's what creates the illusion you haven't risen above anything. And this is hard because you may not go out and be a bully as a father and a man in the second half, but these patterns lead to decision making processes that are not in your best interest and they're not leading to the greatness you can have. So I needed to get fit and healthy and strong. I started weights at 12, 13 years of age, so still fat for a few years, still overweight for a few years. By the time I was 15, 16, yeah, you know, I was about 108, 107, 105, so still a big boy. 16, 17, shot through and by the end of 17 I was 87 kilos heading into year 12. And then I built the muscle back on. 92, 94, got back up and my weight consistently has been between 106 and 113. Peaked back up at 113, obviously as a man playing professional rugby league, but right now, at the time of doing this, and probably for the last five years, it's been bang on, just doesn't seem to move. 108, 109, 100, 809. Good body composition, good shape. I keep well fit, healthy, strong. But ultimately that big journey when I look back, was out of a fear of failure because I had to prove myself, I had to show what I could do. So pretty crazy, right? This is someone who was an obese, overweight, depressed boy, depressed kid, teenager who went through and then in 18 months went from trialing for the local footy team, St Mary's Saints, trolling from the local footy team to being in a first grade squad and playing reserve grade for the Pendulum Panthers. This is all out of fear of failure. I look back at my life and I was like, holy fuck. Imagine if I did it out of a love for greatness, self love, self worth, self value. Now it was there, like I said, there was, I wouldn't say a snippet. There was a large portion, but there was also an equally larger probably portion of a fear of failure. I had to prove myself to others. I had to do it for them. I had to show them. I had to show the first grade boys. I had to show Trent Waterhouse, Luke Swain, Tony Pulitua, Joel Clinton. I had to show the boys what I could do. I had to prove myself. And look, they were great guys. They're awesome. The vulnerability that I showed, I guess even though I was proud and I worked hard and ripped into preseasons, they took me under their wing. They were great. Not the case of the Dragons. That place was full of fucking poison and ego. Still some good guys there. I'm not saying the entire place was chaos, but ultimately, yeah, it is the reason why you can look over the history of time and see the caliber of players that were at the Dragons and the lack of premierships that could have been won through the 90s and 2000s. So maybe that's a story for another time. But again, this isn't about castrating anyone. It's just observations and actions as I continue to rise up and evolve as a great leader in life, in communities, in myself, in my family, my standards for these fathers, I see such a lack of leadership in areas and periods of time where men need this leadership in their 20s and 30s as they enter the second half with coaches and administrations and managers and club CEOs that were not leaders and are not leaders at all. Fear of failure is something that drove me to such high standards and high levels. But when Stella was born, all of a sudden a lot of the folks attention came off me. This is someone over fear of failure became the fittest man in the world for his size in CrossFit. That's no easy feat. Like I'm doing muscle ups and handstand walks and all this sort of stuff at 6 foot 4 and 111 kilos, 112 kilos against guys that are 83 kilos and 5 foot 8 and beating them. This is the performance that can come from a fear of failure. With some love for greatness, but a fear of failure. I had to prove myself. It had to be done. Hard part is though, your environment will change. The external factors will change. The external outcomes, the external feedback, the variables. There are so many changes in life. If you stick to one set of continuity invalidating you which the continuity is the external environment and others, people, places and things. You will lose because it's always changing. This is what happened when Stella came to the world. She wasn't sleeping, she was a nightmare. Didn't sleep until she was about three and a half years of age. It was horrific. Which means I wasn't getting sleep, I wasn't being the elite athlete I wanted to continue to become. Crin and I were struggling with time together. Spending time alone and intimate. Obviously her body was trying to repair. There was chaos in our house because trying to get our shit together. No one prepares you for fatherhood. Doesn't matter. Most people laugh at you, right. And almost hack shit on you. And it's that for me, I don't fly with that. Which obviously goes to show the caliber of people in older generations. But ultimately, when we're looking at fatherhood, it's very hard. It's something you can't explain until you live it. You can prep as much as you want, but for me, having that mirror, it's the hardest but the greatest thing ever. Fatherhood. Having that mirror thrust upon my face as a high performing man. Now trying to become a high performing father. Which is coupled with being a good husband, a good business owner, a good member of society and community. Leading the family, leading myself. All three areas of life, family, self and service. It crushed me, it crippled me. Because there are external variables and things that used to justify who I was and who I am as a man. And what gave me fulfillment and completed who I was, that wasn't there anymore. The attention wasn't there anymore. What do we do? We go searching. We go seeking it somewhere else. See, this is what happens when. And I feel blessed that, you know, the stars aligned for me and I was given a chance to really break through. And RDM found me like this high performance program that we have for fathers. It found me because this is what leads to families breaking down. I'm not saying everything must stay the same and you must stay connected. Like I love my wife for who she continues to become. I don't love her for who we got married as I've changed, she's changed. She needs to, you know, as I change and grow up, I can't have a 21 year old wife, I can't have a 24 year old wife who's still living in that fantasy land, in that area of her reality, like it's not, not possible, doesn't work. People may not grow at the same rate as me, but they must grow. We must grow. It's a given for me in life, it's a necessity. So this is why marriages, breakdowns, divorce, affairs, you know, mental breakdowns, nervous breakdowns, anxiety goes through the roof overwhel, businesses collapse, health gets shot to shit. All these different things happen because the man doesn't build the internal framework of a love for greatness, loving himself. I want to be great for me. I am my greatest creation. This is what's important for me in life. This is who I must become for me. Which means the ripple effect is yes, if it's done out of love, not deceit, not destruction of those around me, it's done out of a love of improving. I am a hundred, so I can give 100. Which means my family wins, which means my children wins, my wife wins, my workers, my colleagues win, communities win. Because I'm a better caliber man, I'm a better leader. This is how it must be. Now look, I'm not saying fear of failure doesn't hold a place in your life. There is always the alternative. We look at your pathway point A to point B, mate, make no mistake, there's point a 100%, there's point minus A. So you need to be cautious and aware of these areas of your life. That will turn to shit if you don't look after yourself and drive you away from the pain and towards what is that you desire. I get that 100%. That might be the ignition, that might be the spark. But that must be coupled with an overarching rule or bearing on who you desire to become over the course of your life out of a love for who you are. This isn't fairyland, fantasy land, Kumbaya fucking ukulele, sitting around a fire type stuff. No disrespect if you like that either. I'm just bringing context and shit stirring a bit. But it's the truth, man. This is your life. You must value yourself. Your entire belief systems, your entire life is hinged around your entire belief systems. And your entire belief systems is hinged around your self value and worth. How much do you love you? That doesn't mean I wake up Spending five hours in the mirror every single day, but you look at the different levels and layers. I do my hair because I want to fucking look good for myself. I train and I'm physically competent. Yes, I've got a good body, but it's for capacity. It's built to build a big gas tank and fill it with premium ultra. So I've got more mileage than I normally would, you know, like, looking after myself, my health, my care, all these sort of things. It's not vanity, it's not ego, it's a love for self. Who are you not to love yourself? Like, that's fucking bullshit. The world, the whole Tall Poppy syndrome. You need to find a new set of friends. If people start to cut you down because you look to evolve and change your life, you need to find a new set of friends in a new environment. Why can't you just be happy with what you got out? I'm fucking phenomenally happy. Don't worry about that. I'm incredibly happy. My life is fucking amazing. I'm blessed. I'm so blessed. But I'm here and now. Why would I keep the same? Like, I've got time, I've got more time. Let's see what else we can do, right? There's a difference between settling and being happy and contentment. Like, I'm content, I'm happy, but I still want to drive and experience life and test and experiment. Like it's a search and discovery. Life is a search and discovery process. You can't do that if the only thing that drives you is fear. You may not think it's fear because you don't have those scared feelings, like you're watching a horror show or there's a burglar in your house or some sort of shit like that. It's not about that, mate. Fear is a lack of certainty. Fear is inaction. Fear is questioning yourself. Fear is pulling away. It's not stretching, it's not expanding, it's not taking those shots, taking those chances. Everything I've done in my life, and people will see this as I get older and share some crazy stories, man. Like, I've got some crazy stories, financially, personally, that it's not that I wouldn't share them now, and it's not that they're too raw. I'm full of transparency. It's that it'll bring a greater level of context because people will see the true path of the minus, minus, minus, minus A, that Al was at, that brought him to the fucking B, triple plus or to the Z plus. That's when it'll add more impact. When people be like, holy shit, man. Look at the risks that Al took. I can't believe Al did that. Wow. He had the balls to do that, man. Why? I can't believe he did that. Why did he do that? But look how it paid off. These are the things, mate, that come down to not a fear of failure that might ignite you to go, man, I gotta change. Something's gonna happen here. Otherwise I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go south quickly. To going, who do I want to be? What's the caliber of man that I want to turn up as for myself, for my family? What does that look like to me? How important is that to me in my life? Will I sit back on my deathbed wishing I drank more fucking alcohol and watched more tv? Like, is that something that I'm looking forward to? I mean, what a horrible feeling. If you are, you're an oxygen thief. Your legacy, like eternal life to me is the values, principles, the mannerisms, the behaviors, the way that your children wink, the way that they smile, the jokes that they crack, the way they laugh. Everything that is expressed into our children, that's you. They're a blank canvas. You are influencing their environment. That is eternal life to me. When I'm dead and buried, my body's dust in the earth, I will be living on through them. This is energy, make no mistake. Regardless of your spiritual or afterlife beliefs, all that sort of stuff, I'm serious. Like, I look at my daughters and my son and I see them and I'm like, they are living because of me. They are expressing because what they see me do. Which means when I'm doing me out of a love for greatness, there is only one way. North. There is only one way and that's north. I hope this has served you well. Remember, fear of failure can play a role in your life. In what you're currently doing to break the paradigm of the bullshit beliefs that you have and the stories and excuses to go, well, mate, this is the real fear. This is what will happen if I don't do something. My lack of actions creating uncertainty. How do I create control and certainty? Well, let's develop a higher belief system backed up by the right championship habits to move forward in life. That's going to give me a high level value that's going to help me love myself more and move forward into expanding to who I can become. The end. Take care. Hope you enjoy this episode. Apply this to your life now. Where am I acting out of a fear of failure? Where can I build a higher level of self love, self belief and value to go? You know what? It is a miracle. I'm here. One in 400 trillion sperm. I deserve to be here. This is my time and I'm going to take it right now. And I'm going to move forward with my life. Where can we apply this and how can we apply this to taking action right now? Not tomorrow, not next week, not next year, right now, to start moving the needle forward in your life every day. 1%. To create the legacy that you know you can have, that you desire, that you deserve. But it's a gift. It's a privilege, not a right. You must earn that. You must earn that place in your life. Take care and I'll see you for another episode soon. Cheers.