107. Focus On Focus Off

Foreign. Podcast. This is your host, Al. Today's episode, focus on, focus off. Like Mr. Miyagi, wax on, wax off. Oh, man. Isn't life a crazy thing? There are so many things that we focus on that we probably shouldn't, and then there's obviously things that we need to focus on, but we don't when we go through this, when we go through these episodes. And I do appreciate you investing your time, as I'm sure you do. If you're finding the gifts and taking action off the back of our episodes, this means that we are influencing you into our worldview, our way of being, which is never a set and forget, but it's ultimately built off the pillars and principles of what's going to serve a father to win the second half. Which is why, if you're a father entering or in the second half looking to build family, self and service, seek and win instead of being caught in the grind of life and being chewed up and spat out in your own company of thinking this is how it needs to be, and that leads to a breakdown. You're in good company. You're in good hands. This is the thing, though. When we're looking at our life, there's two realities, one in your head and one in the real world. Now, when we're looking at your life, there's something that connects the dots of that something. And one thing. Now, yes. We talk about state and elevating your state. We talk about perspective and how you choose to see things. Both of those can either drive you to be motivated or not motivated. There's many different facets of life. Massive one that I continually refine and learn again. Refine and learn again. Refine and learn again is 100% your environment. It's so much bigger than the big wizards lead on to be when they say you're the sum of the five people you're around. And like that, that's very good. Thank you. But, you know, if you're so far one way, how do we break it down to build the pavement so you can understand the actual journey of not so much. Cut your friends away and find five friends that you can hang around that are going to make you grow. It's nothing to do with that. It's the principle behind it that says I am choosing to invest in myself, value myself, value my time by immersing myself in the greatest possible environment. More often than not, you're never going to be able to control everything, especially outside of you. But that's a big one. That's a Big one. That I've continued to really level up and upgrade inside of my own life. I do feel blessed between my businesses and what I do. You know, I'm not a hard ass, but incredibly selective of the people that we're around. That doesn't mean you can't come into my company at all. But ultimately when things come in that sway even a degree off the path and off the mark, it's thanks, but no thanks. And that doesn't mean that I want to be surrounded by a bunch of yes men, you know, but it did mean decisions like, you know, culling my four or five thousand friends in half on Facebook and, you know, just different moves. That removes external environments which technology brings many to harness. The most important thing, not the small fights, not the small battles. Let's let them go. Let them go. Give them away. Give them away to someone else. Let someone else do that sort of shit. Because when you're spending energy fighting on shit that doesn't matter, you're ultimately taking it away from where? Someone else, somewhere else and someone else is what I meant to say. So when we're looking at this, yes, it's, it's similar in what I just explained then to when you say yes to something, you're saying no to something else. That was an amazing episode. I really thoroughly enjoyed that. But today is talking about the links and creating the links or building the bridge towards the internal and external. And what I mean is what's happening in between the ears and your head and your heart inside of you. And then what's happening in the real world out there. And when you're having an energy exchange that's applied through attention. Hard part is in such a copious and saturated world of technology, we have such scarcity and poverty of attention, or at least the value of it, because it's everywhere. Everyone's trying to get your attention all the time. You know, it's not billboards anymore just to advertise to you. Right. There's sophisticated computers that are dialing in who you are, creating a profile about you, on you. And I mean, you can openly see it, you know. Yeah, there's documentary on it. So when we're looking at these sorts of pieces of technology, what we become victim to without an awareness. And I'm not talking about being a sheep or a lion, there's plenty of different terms you want to use to determine how someone operates. But what I'm talking about is a valuable thing called focus, tension, focus on, focus off. What are you applying focus to in Your life that you know you shouldn't. And this is a powerful episode because I'm going to dive into this with relationships and help you understand better how you can navigate to get the most out of what you want in not a selfish way, in a selfing way. Because everyone wins when you do it out of love, with a ripple effect that benefits everyone. Your relationships, whether it's your children or your wife or your business or your work relationships. And that's an important thing, right? Because when you get stuck in your way of thinking and I'm the same and this is my skill set, this is a large majority of all I do, which gives me a monstrous range of data and perception and angles to see something, and I still get caught. When you dial this in more actively, you start to become more connected to that which is around you, which you want to get the most out of to make your life even better. Like, why would I enjoy not being aware of the perceived focus, real or not, that my wife might be having on things that she shouldn't be fucking focusing on and cutting that away and then getting grumpy wife when I'm not actively pursuing ways that I can control, influence and focus for her to help her move away from some of the pitfalls and traps and bullshit that she falls into and vice versa. Right. How do you get the most out of your children with your relationship with them? Well, why don't you help guide and nurture them away from some of the shit that they can't even see for themselves? So that'll come towards a little bit later in this episode, but it's a very powerful piece, so make sure you stay tuned and start to get the building blocks in place of what we begin with first so you can make more sense of what we'll finish with second around relationships, Focus on, focus off. The thing with RDM and building high performance fathers is because of what I've just shared in this intro environment and focus on attention. The most powerful things you can ultimately have, or one of what we're left with is an order in how you expand and improve your living, your life and your being. And that order has certain terms and principles. Like tav. What's your weekly tav? Your targets, your actions and version, who must you become to execute on the actions to achieve the targets that you desire? And how is that going to move the needle forward in your life? There's the myths, the most important thing, and sometimes the most important thing is finding out what the most important thing is. This isn't A riddle me this, riddle me that. Like that's the truth. You could be focusing on something and scoring 100 out of 100 for months and look back over your life and go, oh well, fuck. Hell, I didn't even actually want that. Or that wasn't even important or relevant. That's right. Your energy management's down. You've used a lot of effort and time for something that could be nothing if you find the gift and it turns you around and accelerates you forward. Amazing. Like me with my businesses, with the gyms, you know, I basically wanted a facility that would house my professional athlete career off the back of the void that was missing because my career was stripped from me in rugby league through multiple operations. Last one being overseas in Italy, getting my shoulder torn to pieces playing for Italy in the World cup qualifier, which led to me losing my contract for the South Sydney Bunnies. And you know, like it was, it was shattering. So I needed to fill that void. And that was the, that was the hard part in a lot of my older episodes when I talk about fear of failure and whatnot. So obviously business was not what it should have been. Family was not what it should have been. Right. I was just focusing on being an elite athlete. So I don't look at that 10 year period, 15 if you include the rugby league career and whatnot and a lot of the trauma that came with it. I look at that as a loss because it accelerated my growth. But if you're not looking at ways to expand and you're having a perspective on reflecting on the shit that you probably shouldn't have done or could have done better, well, you just keep going around in circles, won't you? This is why focus is very, very important. We talk about tabs, we talk about mitts. What is the most important thing? Well, you need to find that out first. When we're talking about focus on, focus off, it's not about willpower or self control or discipline, all that sort of shit. Like they're all borrowed. They're limited, yes, they rejuvenate daily, but they're all also belief systems. On external influences, like you've got willpower relative to what your own decisions on what the actions you'll take in the real world. You've got self control on what you've got discipline on what. It's all connecting you to the outside you to the outside you, the external start inside. You want to build good habits in your life, build a good habit of choosing what to focus on first. What we're talking about here, yes, it does transfer into the external, the outside world, reality and how you live, how you act and what you do. But before you even start building those habits, let's peel it back. Because we can't take shortcuts here. Don't take shortcuts in your life. The patterns will expose themselves and you'll get fucked up. You will. It's happened to me plenty of times. Not as much in these days, obviously, because of the skill set and what I'm building and continue to build with myself and these fathers to have awareness and reminder. It's not a set and forget. Forget that either. It is not a set and forget. It is continual reminders, continual process, which is why everyone needs coaching in their life. I don't. Including myself. And I have that. And I get that you can't, you know, you can't think that you'll just move through life and reach the ultimate pinnacle or potential, no matter how perceivably successful you are, when you go it alone, it just doesn't work. It can't. And that doesn't mean that life has to be completely in pieces. You know, we can't save dads. You can't do it. It's impossible. No one can save anyone in the sense that we're talking about with improving, changing your life and changing the version identity of who you are. But we can influence. Let's pull back, let's pull back. Don't worry about the external outside habits. Let's pull it in. Let's build the internal habit first on what you should focus on and what you shouldn't focus on. And this is a powerful thing because ultimately, and when I'm talking about willpower, self control and dismal, that sort of stuff, this is my point. You've got borrowed capacity every single day, borrowed energy. Like you've only got a certain amount of energy every day. It rejuvenates and replenishes, which is why we talk about nourish the body, move the body, restore the body. Restoring is key because that's basically going well. What can I do to make sure I've got lots of juice for tomorrow? Tomorrow will be here before we know it. That's important. What to focus on, though. If you've got so many little things, whether subconsciously or subtly you're focusing on, that's going to chew up the juice. It's like imagine Cyclops right when he's shooting out that laser beam with his eyes, okay, Lifts his son, he's up, bang. Big laser beam. Imagine that was spraying shit all over the place. And the main laser beam through the middle was like 60%. It was weaker. And it's like, oh man, I can't even put a dent in this car now. I can just make it turn red and go a little bit hot. Yes, of course, because you're spraying shit everywhere, you're not focusing and allocating your efforts on the most important thing. This is the hard part though. You can go searching for what the most important thing is, but because you're pattern subconscious, you can't just make a decision like that and go, yeah, I'll look 100%. My focus is here. And you know what I'm saying is true. When you're doing something, you're trying to focus. You have so many distractions and interruptions. They just keep creeping in. They creep in, they creep in. I'll be doing it. I'll be in the zone writing up whether I'm doing articles or doing programming or different things that we're going to be covering on the inside and the outside of our group. Then all of a sudden I'll be like a little voice inside. Pick up your phone, check your phone and see how Karin's going with the kids today. And I'll break that pattern. I'll send her a message. Hey, how's everything going? How's your day been? What's going on? We get, and I'm not saying they're good or bad, but the hard part is if it's not something that's serving you, and there's nothing wrong with me checking in with my wife, see how she's going with the kids. But ultimately, when that compounds, 10, 15, 20, let's be real here, 100, 150, 200 times throughout the day, coupled with the micro transitions of your life, you all of a sudden look over a day and you think you've done a lot and you've been busy. And it's been like the busy bee trying to get the, you know, get the pollen going, get the honey going and really build the hive. But it's like, well, hang on a minute. Done. Fuck all. I've been busy. Lots of moving parts, lots of subtle anxiety or stress in certain areas, a lot of fires to put out. But I actually don't feel like I've been productive or actually move the needle forward in life. I don't think I've built in family or self or service. That's the hard part. When you're focusing on 60% effort, that laser beams pumping at 60% because 40% is being taken away by all these other things. It's going to hurt long term. It's going to slow you down. It's why the acceleration of myself, of rdm, everything that we've built off, the habits that I've learned through my own life, through elite sport, through thousands of fathers, 15 years, really, it's something that you start to really value because there isn't a huge amount of time in life when you're looking at a couple hundred thousand hours left. That's it. Bite the big one. I'm not a doom and gloom guy. It's just bringing perspective to make now more relevant. Because a lot of the times it isn't. You're focusing on things that you shouldn't focus on or need to focus on, which means not having the juice to back up on the one most important thing. So this is what I want you to do. I want you to look at your life. Because a lot of it's subconscious, a lot of it's subtle. Look in your life and go, what are all these things that I shouldn't be focusing on? It's the two sides of the coin, right? What am I focusing on? What shouldn't I be focusing on? And finding that. What are these little pissy things that are just taking. It's not even the time. See, the time isn't even the issue. If we all have the same amount, give or take, if we all have the same amount, it's not the time, it's what you're doing with it. You know Ken Lavander, phenomenal guy. He's done an episode a while ago with us, our energy coach for Platinum. It's not the years in your life, it's the life in your years. When he said that, that really hit home with me because I'm like, fuck, man, I'm talking about time all the time. I really do look at how much time you have left. A thousand minutes a day, couple hundred thousand hours left. Like, I'm always looking at creative perspectives to help you understand that you've got hardly any, but it's like, yeah, but what's the quality? That's exactly what Ken meant. What's the quality? Would you rather live for 60 years to have a phenomenal life on your terms, exploring, expanding every possible way in family, self and service? Or would you rather live to be 93, nursing home or not filled with regrets because you've done fuck all for the last 40 years and you've just given in and given up and settled? When I'm talking about these sorts of things. And Ken giving, you know, revelations on that sort of stuff. And the guys on the inside with their revs and takeaways and how they continually grow in this group. One of our clients, I've got to get him on. Steve cotton, you know, 72 bricks for abs. Runs a phenomenal painting business. Very successful in all areas. You know, still hits the. Still hits the water out on, on the skis. Doesn't go as fast as his son Dan. I'll get Dan on soon too. We're, you know, looking a couple hundred K's on the water. World ski well, yeah, World skiing champion out there on the water. You know, it's very impressive. Very rare. Like Steve is very rare. I wouldn't say he's an anomaly. You know, you can say that if it's the only one ever, but people can do that. People have done that when they're moving into their 70s and 80s in great shape. I mean, Steve's in phenomenal shape, but in great shape and still moving well in family self and service. I want you to ask yourself, just spend a moment here and now. Whether you're driving in the car, sitting, walking is great. Listening to these episodes. I'll get some nice background music next time. Get some 432Hz music. Get us nice and relaxed, in the groove. Seriously though, really think about this. What are some things in your life that you know, they're shit. Like, I don't need to focus on that, Al. Like why? Why am I focusing on that? You're asking yourself this question. Why the bloody hell am I thinking about that sort of stuff? But you ask the question without a follow through, without a backup to go. No, no, let's remove that. Like I said before, let's shift. You want to shift habits in your life and be a high performance father and create championship habits. Great start on the inside. Start with one of the most important habits of all. Habit of focus. Where are you applying that? Where are you using that? So let's go through this exercise. Two things. First thing, what's the myth? What's the one most important thing right now that I need to do? Let's even go back one more step. What's the one most important outcome that I desire and want for my family right now? What's the one most important thing that I want for myself? What's the one most important thing that I want in service, my business? What's the one most important action that's going to help me move there to get that and deliver it. And you know what? It'll be one to three, but you can still organize with a priority of the 1, 2 and 3. What is that? What does that look like? How do I dial that in? It's the whole Pareto's principle, whether you heard of it or not. It's a formula that you can apply anywhere. It's like, well, what's the 5% that will give me the 95% return? Or for us, with our weekly tabs, when we're doing our weekly temples, the guys are checking in, we're tracking all their data. It's an amazing system we have in place. Continues to get better as well, which is crazy. We can just see everything that we need to. To help the man move forward in his life in tracking the data on his performance and looking at that. Okay, let's have a look at this. If your weekly temple takes five to seven minutes to do and you get a thousand minutes a day and every week, 7,000 minutes. Awesome. What is the 0.6% of time that I'm investing that's going to give me the greatest opportunity with reviewing, reflecting and setting the plan for the next week over the 99.4% of the time that I'll live my life? 7,000 minutes a day. Even if we said seven minutes. 7,000 minutes. Seven minutes. Awesome. You know, what's the point? You know, what's the point? 6%. What's the point? 1%. Like, what is. What is this small amount that's going to lead to the monstrous return with the other time? That's Pareto's principle. You know, 20% of the actions that you take will lead to 80% of the results. That's one of the standards that they talk about. What's your 20%? We're talking about mitts. What you focus on. What's the 20% of your focus that's going to yield 80% of the results in your life? What does that look like for you, that one thing, that one focus? What does that look like? And are you giving that the energy, the love and care and the investment that it needs? And that could be you. A lot of the times it's you. We look at our scores, our tribe scores. Awesome. We're hitting in the 80s consistently, which means we're dabbling between in the compete and win zones. When we're looking at the RDM quadrant, you've got exist, survive, compete and win. We live in the compete and dial it in to get into that win zone. Frequently. Sometimes, yes. Personal circumstances Dads will drop down into the survival zone. No existence that doesn't work, that doesn't exist for us. You do not go there at all. And you certainly don't live in the survival zone. But that's not the way forward. You're not here to be a. You're not a survivor. And you wear it like a badge of honor. I'm a fighter, Al. I'm a battler. Fuck that. You're not here to battle. You're here to thrive and evolve. When you're getting this dialed in for focusing on the most important thing, you must then also look at what is taking your time, energy, attention, away from giving value to the most important thing, which is the second part of this. What do I need to stop focusing on now? Yes. Ask yourself that question. What are some things that just. They're just pissy things. Look, I love mowing the lawn. I love. I got a big green thumb. Love it. It's awesome. So enjoyable. And actually, when I get in the zone, I enjoy cleaning because I'm almost OCD being being half Leo, half Virgo. I know Virgos are perfectionists, whether you believe in bloody star signs or not. But it's a funny pattern I have seen with some members who are Virgos. My nannies are Virgo. My son, he's a Virgo. You know, Lillian, my daughter, she's a Ram. And she certainly shows those signs of being bloody stubborn and just never, ever giving up. And my oldest, Stella, she's a Leo, which is, oh, man. When the fire's on, the fire is on. So watching the two girls as they grow is quite interesting. And the little man is a perfectionist. But looking, I enjoy cleaning because it's a sense of achievement, accomplishment, and I do it very, very well when I do it. And ultimately, when I'm looking at this, I'm trying to understand what the most important thing is for my life, which then helps me reorganize myself to go, well, what do I need to do? What don't I need to do? What don't I need to focus on? Which means, you know what I do our backyard, I do the lawns, I do that sort of stuff. I don't do the front yard. We get someone else to do that for us. I don't have to think about that. I don't want to. Just like a cleaner, we get a cleaner once a week inside our house. You know, we don't have a live in maid or nurse or nanny, but we get someone once a week to take the Pressure off my wife to take the pressure off me. And this is what I mean about focus, which I'll go into with relationships in a second to help free up that capacity, that capital, right, that mental capital. Where can I invest that? Somewhere else? So think about your life. I mean, like, fuck, mate, the cleaners, for what it's worth, what you're paying, buy your freedom back. And not just freedom of time, freedom of focus, buy that back, Find a way. You don't have to be spending thousands of dollars for this sort of stuff. Like, even if we're looking at a money sense, like leveraging your freedom mentally and physically, and your time mentally and physically is a very, very powerful thing. Gives other people opportunities, spreads money and wealth around as well. It's not that cleaning is beneath me at all. That's what people need to fucking pull their head in. They get their nose out of joint. They don't understand. Of course I can wash my own car. Of course I can do the lawns. That shit's a walk in the park. So find out what are the things I don't need to focus on anymore. What are the tedious things, the dramas, the bullshit? Whether it's work, other people at work, whether it's customers, employees, where are they not serving me? Where am I cutting myself short? Where am I self sabotaging by allowing myself or others to dive into, immerse and influence me in my environment with shit I just don't need to be thinking about? Like, do I really need to hear about the bullshit of the Kardashians and all the shit that they fucking go through? Are you serious? So when, when we're looking at this, and I mean, it's not if someone likes it. My wife used to enjoy watching them. I'm good for her. That's her outlet. And that's great. But this is the thing, what you're exposing yourself to is subtly and subconsciously stealing away your focus from the prize people, places and things. And that will continue to test you. It's not a set. And forget moving into relationships. This is what I mean, this is my point. When my wife had our child, our third one, all cesareans. So you know, if your wife's had a cesarean, that, that takes a while, that, that's hard, that, that takes a while to recover from. You know, we did IVF for our first two. So it's been a battle. It's been a battle for many, many years with my wife, mentally and physically. And she's done an amazing job and very hard Very hard. So for me, it's like, okay, perceivable or not, what's connected to me. And this is. This is an important exercise that you need to do. Not, not, might, not, should, or would you need to do this, whether it's your wife, whether it's your business, people you work with, whether it's your children. Well, when I was looking at that, I was starting to ask, okay, she's. She's proud. Cleans the house, cleans it well, you know, there's obviously a sense of achievement and purpose there for me. I'm like, okay, what are some perceivable things real or not? I don't know. I'm not always inside her head. But communication and clarity will help. That's why it's very important to communicate with those close to you. But what's something that I know she shouldn't be thinking or worrying about? Pay attention here. That's why you need to look after yourself, keep your energy high and have that awareness, that social awareness of the household and your communication with those closest to you that you love. What are the words that she's speaking? What are the things that she's saying? What are the things that are nagging at her? What are the things that I can see are unsettling for her? What are the standards inside of her life that she used to have. Hold on. But she doesn't now with the kids, and she's not happy about it. Okay, I know most of those are bullshit. She shouldn't even worry about it. Like, we're not dirty people. But of course, there's mess sometimes with the kids, with toys and all that sort of shit. But what I think is real or not, nothing to do with me. What is. What does Corinne think is real inside of her life? What's going on inside her head right now? That's stealing time and effort. All right, well, let's. Let's get out of your own body right now, Al. Let's dive into what it would be like for Corinne and most females and mothers who have a sense of control in their body and themselves in their life. And then their control goes over to their kids. And then as their kids grow up, they lose a sense of purpose and identity. So then their control is gone again, which leaves a void, which happens for fathers as well. No different. But I'm talking about your relationships for this perfect example here. What are some of the things that she's focusing on and thinking about? She just doesn't fucking need to. Come on. You don't need. Put that shit away. Don't worry about that. And I'll do it in another episode when we're talking about love, languages, you know, physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts and quality time. Like, yes, there's absolutely a test and a principle you can adopt from that and how you can communicate what you want and figure out and ask what she wants. But in terms of her for herself and her own world, what can I control or influence? And look, I'm not here to control my wife, but this is a powerful lesson for me. Two things that I'll share. One was the cleaning. And I'm like, okay, her mum's mum, so her grandmother, obviously born in 1926, I think, so she's nearly 100 their standard. The one thing that she had was the house was spotless. Always, like to the point where I thought Crin's mum was a clean freak. And the nan would come around for family get togethers and basically rip into her and give a shit about the house being dirty, man. Like, talk about having an eye for dust on a shelf you couldn't even see, right? And that was madness. So obviously some of that went into Corinne's mum, some of that went into Corinne. So for me, I'm looking at this going, okay, I'm not trying to buy my way out of problems, but if money can solve a problem, it's not a problem that you have or should have, right? And that's largely true for a certain degree and for a certain number of people, doesn't matter the cost. You can find a way to be resourceful and go, okay, well, if money can help alleviate or solve this problem, is it really a problem? Or should I hold on to this problem or how can I reduce this problem? And we don't have a cleaner every day. We have a cleaner once a week, comes in on Tuesdays, sorts out the house. Awesome, thank you. Thank you very much. So when I looked in this, I was like, nah, I know I've spoken about a few times and she's a proud woman, doesn't want to give it up. I'm just going to do it. Better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission, right? So went and did it, got it organized, told her I'm taking her out and got her all sorted. Of course, when I told her she tried to clean the house before the cleaner come, as they all do, I'm like, don't, don't do that shit. Trying to clean the house before the cleaner comes. I'm worried she'll think it's dirty. That's exactly why she's coming, because she needs to help us out and clean it up. So when I sorted that out, literally within a month. And we've been doing this for a while now, Roman's. He's like eight months old, literally within the first month. Thank you so much. It's made it so much easier for me. It's reduced my stress. I can breathe. I know on Tuesdays, Kez is coming, she's going to help out, you know, and it's. It's great. It really helps. Thank you. I want you to think about that like a mother having three young children, trying to sort her body out, trying to get back in shape with a cesarean and getting her muscles strong. And the same time, having an operation on a hand with a ganglion cyst the size of a golf ball. Like there's some hard shit for a state netballer with that history of being physically powerful and competent to having all of that thrown in the face. And when you look at the span of life, not a very long period of time, even 10 years isn't a long period of time, even 15 years isn't a long period of time. So I want you to think about how that would have a chain reaction effect to just pull away some of that stress so that there can be the ability to breathe again. Thank you so much. That really helps. You know, it's great. And it's just. It's freed me up as well. This is something that is such a powerful thing. I want you to think about your relationships. Doesn't have to be your wife, could be your children anywhere and look at the perceivable focuses that they shouldn't be focusing on. Focus on, focus off. Where can I guide, nurture and influence them as a powerful man, as a leader in the tribe, in my family, in my business, to help those around me, I'm connected, to get the most out of themselves so I can get the most out of them. This isn't a selfish thing. If it's done out of love and in a genuine nature, that helps them as well. It's a win win for everyone. Selfie. Not selfish. How can I, in a personal, selfish way, support and give my wife the most? So I'm getting something from my wife that I want, need and desire. How can I make it easier for her? This is what I mean with love languages. Instead of just sitting back going, I'm going to wait for her to come to me and try and figure out what I want. I'm going to go to her and say, hey, you know what? I don't really care about gifts, you know, I don't really care about quality time. I'm very understanding that you're busy, I'm busy. We have things we need to do, everyone's busy. But if we allocate and prioritize that, awesome. I appreciate the words, the affirmation, but ultimately, for me, what I love is I love physical touch and I love acts of service. Physical touch can be shaking hands, high fives, like, could be anyone, could be with your mates, could be with your parents, cuddles, you know, bloody anything. Like, I'm not just talking about intimacy with my wife. Physical touch like that, that's a primal part of me. And acts of service. I know some of the mundane things my wife is doing, like helping with, around the house with the children and, you know, washing my clothes, ironing some of my business shirts, all that sort of. I know that stuff is helping me perform and do what I need to do, which means I fucking love it. I'm so grateful for it, I'm so blessed for it. And that's what appeals to me and my love language. I want you to think about how you can build that out for your wife, for your partner, for your children, and then explore the things that you have control and influence over that can help them focus on the most important thing for them. By listening, by understanding what they need and want. And then also, where can I take away the folks? They don't need another thing. When we had our child. My wife's a primary teacher. She's not working for 12 months and she just has a natural concern of money. I've got a large amount of money, put it in a bank account and said, that's yours. Take this, this is yours. You don't need to worry about anything right now. I mean, look, truth be told, if you're not in that position, you could just set up an account weekly. Hey, hon. Look, I know you've just had our child. I'm just going to put $30 in your account every week. I'm going to put a hundred dollars in your account every single week. That's your money. Do whatever you want with it. Look, break it up however you want. You know, I was in a position that worked for me. I did a lump sum and it was a surprise and it was a beautiful thing that she enjoyed because what did it do? It's not about the money, it's the symbolism. It took away things that she didn't need to worry about focusing on. Now, you think about this as we. As we wrap this episode up. My wife doesn't have to worry about cleaning the house consistently and has support there. She doesn't have to worry about where she's going to spend her next penny. Not that we're in that position at all. But for her, you just don't know. And this is what I mean about perceivable focuses and worries and concerns. There could be things going through your wife's head that you have no fucking idea about. And you'll look back, zoomed out. You'll zoom out and look at the big picture and go, why the fuck she thinking about that? We've got no worries or issues there at all. That doesn't make any sense. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense to you, but you're living in her shoes. You living in the world as a woman with an unbelievable amount of pressure from her friends, her family. Trust me, all women. Yeah, they say that's why you get the claws out. All women are against each other. Mothers, daughters, sisters, best friends, all of them. You've seen it, I know you have. When the chips are down, it's okay if someone's successful just as long as they're not as successful as me. Like, it is always there. It's a little bit different from men. For men, it's more of a bit of a competitive drive and nature and understanding and respect with women. Nah, man. You know, sisters are not mother and daughter or not. They are. I'm not saying they're out to get each other, but, yeah, it's. It is a case of this is my life, this is for me, I am competitive. And I have this through social media, through magazines, through social conditioning. The bullshit of who I need to be, how I need to look, how I need to turn up, how I need to dress, how I need to act. And trust me, I'm not taking away. I mean, real dad movement, right? This is all I do is working with fathers. I'm not taking away from men and fathers and what we've had to go through. It's been horrific over the generations, but ultimately, I'm talking about how you can get the most for you and what's connected to you. Well, female, your wife, your partner. So the examples I'm bringing here today with my wife, I'm looking and going, well, she's having perceptions and views and focuses on things that, of course, they make no sense to you and me as men in the modern world. But for her, that's her reality inside. That's the reality inside her head. So I better start thinking about what her reality may be and then logic or not, because we are literal, right? I don't want to break that down logically and try and understand it because it doesn't actually make sense from my position, but from her position. If I can get a cleaner once a week, which with three young children, it's like an hour later I'll come home and be like, did the cleaner come today? I've got to be careful of doing that because I don't want to stir my wife too much. But that's the truth. Like three young children, but that one day, it takes the mental pressure off. The money that I gave and put her account as a gift, that's hers, it takes the mental pressure off. This is my point. Finding things connected to you in your life, and it's like inception, right? The layers. Find what you need to focus on most. Find the things you don't need to focus or worry about. If one of those things that you don't need to focus or worry about is things that your wife is focusing or worrying about, find out why she's focusing or worrying about those certain things that she doesn't need to focus or worry about. And if you have influence and power over that, alleviate and remove it. Can you see the chain reaction here and how this works? Isn't it a phenomenal process? Something that can seem so far away from your internal reality because it's off the back of something that might have happened 5, 10, 15 years ago? It's inside a small portion, segmented inside of your wife's brain on a small area as a habit of focus and what she shouldn't really be focusing on. That trickle or ripple effect comes all the way down into how you may be received that afternoon when you get home from work on day 58 of her thinking about the exact same fucking thing, right? Isn't it amazing? Focus on and focus off. Find the one most important thing that's going to bring the most value to your life in family, self and service. Help those around you by being a leader through your actions in finding what they need to focus on. Like your children at school, in family, self and service and your wife. And then dig deeper because what's just as important, like Cyclops with the ray beam that was shooting shit all over the place, get that harnessed into one streamlined approach by investing just as much energy initially, because you can cut it away and create a new habit Initially, where your family, your business, your wife is focusing on stuff that they don't need to and should not be focusing and worrying about. And then if you have influence or you can shift or change that, dig a little deeper, get a better awareness, get a better understanding, and then from there, fucking get rid of it. Get it away. Because it's hard to go it alone. And like I said, I'm not saying money's the answer for everything. Those two examples I gave you, money was involved for both of them. I could have cleaned the house, I could have not gotten a cleaner and I could have adjusted my work and my schedule and I could clean the house every Tuesday. It's not about the money. It's about the symbolism. What's the symbolism behind the effort to help my family stress less and focus on less so they can focus more on what they love and want and desire in their life. I hope this is coming through and ringing true for you where you've found some examples already from this episode to go, fuck, I never thought of that. Al, My wife is always super anal about the morning routine with the kids at school. And she always seems really, really stressed. Well, guess what? Find the linchpin on where that stress is coming from. Instead of just going back and forth and barking at her and then getting barked at by seeing what takes the most time or stress. And if it's her cutting and prepping the lunches with fruit and all this sort of stuff and veggies and getting the lunches sorted, how about you wake up 15 minutes earlier and make the kids lunches for that day and surprise her at first and say, hey, I've already made the kids lunches as well. And then on day three, you start work a little bit later or you change something up or you create a different environment or experience or influence so that on the Wednesday, you've made the kids lunches for Monday, Tuesday, on Wednesday you've gone, hey, guess what? I am going to be a little bit home a little bit late today, but as soon as we take the kids to school, I'm taking you out for breakfast. There's this nice place and I've got a surprise for you. I'm telling you, man, that spontaneity is fuck all time. But that spontaneity, the symbolism of investing in your wife and what she desires subconsciously through having freedom, having surprise in something that is nurturing her or, you know, yet. Mother's Day. Awesome. That's great. Let's spoil them for one day of the year back in the grind, off you go, like, what a fucking scant like. And trust me, I'm all for that sort of stuff, but it's like, are you okay? Day. Yeah, let's lift the standard for one day and the other 364. Let's drop back to where we were before. No, no, no. That. That doesn't work for me. That, that doesn't apply. So when you, when you bring this, I'm telling you right now, man. And we've had dads who've shared the exact same. You know, you can plan it, but if you create spontaneity for your wife in that respect where you're removing some of the stresses and things that she no longer has to focus on, you're taking away the things that she shouldn't be focusing on and allow her to focus on the most important thing, which, if you do what I said then, is two very small, simple examples. Helping with the kids lunches, organizing them, getting them off to school. So it's a smoother run in the early morning than taking out for a breakfast date. Some honey and handsome time, Bit of H and H time. One morning doesn't have to be night. When you do that, guess what? When you're taking the focus off the things that she doesn't need to stress, worry about, guess what she's going to focus on? She's going to focus on you, man. That focus goes straight into you. Because who has been the catalyst for creating positive change and influence in her life? You? The king, the leader. When I look at people's lives, you have no idea how much stuff like this has saved marriages. No idea. And I hate using the word saved because it never needed to be saved in the first place. It just needed to be fucking nurtured and loved again. That's all that was needed. No idea. But you will when you start applying it. Take this. Take these practices, like everything, Apply it to action immediately in your life. I hope you've gotten some value out of this episode. Listen to it again. If you need to focus on, focus off. Find the things that you know you need to focus on. Find the things that you don't need to focus on and piss them off. And then look at the things that you connected to in your life. Apply the exact same approach, a little bit different, but the exact same philosophy or principle behind your wife. Okay, this is what she's communicating is what she's saying. This is the energy that I'm feeling at these times of the day. Good, bad, and the ugly. Where can I help without being a slave or a servant or a master. I'm not talking about that, but where can I help and get the low hanging fruit to really turn it around? Because you'd be surprised how fast and how much this changes their life. Especially, like I said, the symbolism, it's the appreciation to go, wow, he's thinking about me. He's done this for me. He's thought about how much this will make it easier for me. Like, if I want to get the most out of my wife, if I want her to give me all that I want, what do I need to do? I need to make all the other shit that she handles easier for her so she's got energy for me. Like, it's pretty fucking simple, man. It's crazily simple when you look at it. I hope you enjoyed this episode and got a lot out of it. Focus on, focus off. Apply it to yourself first. Use that, practice and then look at other areas. Children is an amazing example as well, where you can apply this to be a true leader and help and enhance other people's lives. Which means those that you're connected to in their lives, that you're helping and enhancing gives you a better experience with them because you are connected to them. Take care, enjoy, and tune in for another episode soon. Cheers.