11. When The Chips Are Down

So here he is, this large man, 110 kilos. Doesn't really fit in a yoga studio, per se, but he's going to try it nonetheless. And probably the first time that I've ever done Yoga, back in 2013, around October. I can't remember the exact date, although I probably should because it's a traumatic day in my life. Not because of the yoga, mind you. I got plenty of. Gave plenty of laughs that day to others watching me try and be flexible. Now I'm pretty flexible in certain ways, but with my knee and three operations and what I tried to do, there were definitely some poses that I don't think I should ever try and do, and I probably will never do again. And going from that straight into Olympic lifting is something I do not advise anyone to do because that absolutely tore my knee in half. Led to my ninth operation. G', day, boys and girls. Welcome to Real Dad Moving podcast on. My name's Big Al Bigred coming at you with episode 11. Far out. 11 episodes in. Here we go. When the chips are down. Now, we'll all have when the chips are down. It's a gambling term, I guess, but hopefully most of you will recognize that. I'm sure most of the old school do, probably the new school do. But look, we'll all have periods of our life, guys, when this happens and it hits us and hurts us. And one of those was half an hour, half an hour's worth of work going into this episode that somehow became lost and I started talking like a robot. So here we are. Take two. Half an hour of my life that I really can't afford to give. But here we go. I've got to do it again. But you know what? Do it for the people. This is for you guys. Let's dive right into it. And talking about when the chips are down in your life and how you can have an amazing way and methodology to fortify yourself, build out that framework, have a steal a mind of steel in overcoming the adversities that you face in your life. When I think of those sorts of things, because it always happens. It never leaves. It's not like a set and forget. Here we go. Al's invincible for the rest of his life. I had that moment, like I said half an hour ago, when my podcast episode of this wouldn't upload. So here we are. But look, I want to take you back to a period where it's my last operation to date, and hopefully the last. But I'm sure I'll have more because my Knee's completely destroyed. But the ninth operation that I had doing yoga, getting super flexible. I got in there, I was moving around and I thought, geez, I feel really good. I'm going to do a training session here. And I started doing some snatches with the barbell before. That feels really good. I'm deeper than ever. My squats super deep. This is awesome. Super flexible. All right, load a bit of weight on. Bang. Squat, snatch, bang. Another one. This is unreal. Put a little bit more weight on and I'm going to hit a session here. I'm going to build up to a one rep max. This is after doing yoga, which is probably not advisable when you've relaxed and lengthened the muscular. Well, the muscular system and the muscles. And it's something that I wouldn't advise anyone to do. So here we are going to hit a snatch and boom. Like someone had shot my kneecap in half. It just collapsed. Like I fell, dropped to the floor. It was. Oh, makes me feel. That's what made me feel very good talking about it now. What a horrific feeling, man. That was a horrific feeling. And it was something else, I'll tell you. Especially when you've got the history. Every cell in your body has its own form of consciousness. That's another episode. But my knee knew exactly what happened, and I knew exactly what happened to my knee. And you always have that initial fear, and it's like, oh, no, not again, not again. And it was. It was damaging. It was. It was a really. It's just a surreal moment when that happens. And I'm laying there on the ground and I'm like, geez, what have I done to my knee? This is October. I'm building. I've got at Schwartz, which is a massive competition in Melbourne for. For elite CrossFitters. It's just like Regionals, which is the international competition that I competed in a few times and had that. Then obviously my knee, I didn't want to damage it even more. I've been training hard, good legs, good muscle, all this sort of stuff, looking after it. And I got up and thought, oh, maybe this is okay. I've bent it a little bit. It's not too bad. I'll give it a crack. We'll see how we go. Let's just jump on the bike. We'll take the legs over and start on the bike. Oh, yeah, it's not too bad. It'll probably swell, but ticking over, ticking over. And then bang, locked into place. And I'm like, oh, no, what is this and I couldn't move my leg. And I'm there going, oh, far out. It was such a bad sensation, like I could not move my leg. It was locked in. Not completely locked straight, just locked in that. I don't know, it was just a little bit bent state, like at the bottom of like pedaling on a bicycle. And I just froze and I got that gut wrenching feel which just rocked me. And I was like, what have I done? And I sat there because obviously I couldn't really move and slowly gave it a minute and then hobbled off and sat down on the tire, had a big gym tire, just sat on there and I was feeling it and rubbing it and man, I'm getting goosebumps talking about it. It was horrible, horrible. And I slowly got up and started moving and shook it out a little bit. I was like, nah, I've got to rest this today. This doesn't seem right. So I thought, I'll go upstairs and just rest. This will do. And I started swelling and puffing and I started to walk upstairs. Four steps in, bang. It went again, locked again. I couldn't believe it. And I was like. And I don't know why I'm laughing right now because I wasn't laughing at the time. It was absolutely horrendous. The pain was real. The movement was scary and frightening. I'm like, is my leg locked forever? What is going on here? You can't see inside, obviously your own body. The skin's in the way. So I'm like my bones touching and just jammed. What the hell is going on here? And oh, such a scary experience. And when went and had the MRI and it swelled up massively and it come back down because I had to for the MRI and then had the mri. I was living on anti inflammatories at that stage, just popping pills like no tomorrow to try and get the swelling down. And had the MRI and ended up being 1cm in diameter, like pretty big, pretty big chunk of cartilage ripped off, probably the last piece that I had left. Given that I've got the knee of a 70 year old, probably a poor moving 70 year old because it is bone on bone. And the scan showed that massive bit floating around. I was like, oh shit, what do we do? So I went and saw Dr. Waller, who was my surgeon, who looked after my knee several times beforehand and he offered to look after me, obviously felt a bit bad for me and looked after me with a slight discount, which was obviously appreciated, and went in there and cut Me Open. But before that I did actually go down and compete at Schwartz because I couldn't get into scene for a month. The operation was in December, I think Schwartz was early November. So I went down, competed at Schwartz. It was such a weird competition because I did really, really well. But there were just Moments where like Bang. 800, I think 100, 510 kilo squat snatch 1 RM. I was awesome. Light up a little bit more. Just did the pull from the floor, nut knee locked up. Couldn't do it. I was like, oh, just. Just the grit and gristle and couldn't believe I was doing it. I look back now like, what an idiot. And then they'd be like running in a wad and my leg would almost be straight and other times I'd be sweet and wall balls. It was bizarre because I don't know what I was thinking competing that comp. But I guess I thought I couldn't do any more damage, couldn't be worse and had the operation and I was racing against the clock here, guys, because The Open was February 2014 and I wanted to prove myself again. I wanted to show could do it, that I could make regionals and I could compete and. And I'd be down and out before and again and again and again. When I was obese when I was younger, getting bullied, getting picked on, rising up, playing sport, injury after injury. Like I had non operations, but I had a lot of footy players, dozens of injuries that obviously weren't operated on that kept me on the sideline. So rising up again and again and again, overcoming that adversity and breaking through. And I thought I got to do this and there was that pressure. It was hard. I felt like the chips were down and 12 weeks away after the operational 13 weeks maybe until the Open began. Starting on a barbell again, actually. I'll see if I can post photos of my knee when I was blown up after the op and the muscle just goes. Deteriorates and disappears. It's such a horrible feeling. Those of you who've had an injury would know what I'm talking about. You lose it way quicker than you, then you gain it, that's for sure. And it was hard because there was this pressure on me, pressure I put on myself. I wanted to perform more to prove that I could be up the top, be the best of the best with the guys up there at regionals, competing in the Australia, New Zealand CrossFit regionals, which is the top. I think 48 at that time, out of thousands. I think 14,000 compete in the competition. I wanted to prove that I was lucky to a degree. There was some skipping and light squats and obviously you use your legs, but the first few weeks weren't too bad. And the last week, I think, was maybe week five. We had to use our legs a bit, so it gave me a bit of extra time. About 16, 17 week recovery period. But I made it and I couldn't believe it. I was over the moonlight. I made it again. This is unreal. So happy because there's a big weight off my shoulders, that pressure and stress I put on myself. And it was just something where I felt like, if I don't do this, I'm a failure because I've come back before, I've bounced back before. And that's something that I want to touch on with you guys in understanding when you feel like you're down and out and there's nothing to turn to. We often replicate repeat history and who we were to who we're going to be again. And that doesn't always serve us. That's not always a good thing. But I made it through and trained hard and went to regionals. And the first workout of regionals had 150 pistol squats, which is a single leg squat. And I tried to do it at speed, at pace, didn't listen to my body, and I could feel my knee getting a little bit warm. And I was like, well, 110 kilos, 6 foot 4. So I'm moving a fair distance and not light on one leg. That's probably 21 to 22 weeks at the time, rehabilitated from the operation. And it got hotter and hotter. And I feel blessed to have Nadi, who was on my previous episode, and Alistair, who was one of of her employees, one of the physios there, looking after me. He was down at Wollongong helping me at regionals because my knee locked up again and it just seized up. Not locked up as in the cartilage this time. Just seized up. Got so hot and inflamed that I struggled to finish that workout and finish the rest of the day and day two, what an idiot. But I ended up pulling out and not completing day three, which was the day I was actually looking forward to. But it was hard. It really rocked me again because it just got taken away again. I was like, far out, man. How many times am I gonna get hit? How many times do I have to eat it before I just get a break? But that's how I was thinking. But, you know, everything's perspective, isn't it? I mean, many people will never even get to that regionals floor. The whole format's changing now, obviously, but what a blessing and privilege and opportunity to be able to even get there and do that. But obviously at the time, as a lot of us feel we don't think that way. We just wallow in our own self pity and self doubt, lack of belief and done it again. And Alistair was great. He was looking after me and working on me and all the things I learned from Natty I was trying to adopt in being better as an athlete. How can I move around, how can I fret my hips, my ankles to try and get past day two and do the squatting. And at the end we just had to pull the pin. It just wasn't worth it and it wasn't. My knee was really, really feeling raw and it wasn't good. And you know, I want to live the rest of my life like it's 29 at that stage, 28, 28 at that stage, years old. It's like, well, fingers crossed, touch wood. You got at least 60 years, 50 years of your life left. Is this really worth it to you? And at the end of the day, we had to pull the pin and I didn't finish that competition. And it was really hard. It was, it felt like that was the end of my career. Although I did make a, an amazing comeback, I guess, in my own right. And I did compete at regionals in 2015, which I love. That was my favorite year by far. I was a lot more relaxed and I sort of knew that was the end, that one. It's almost like, when do you stop? When is it enough? And that, that was when it was enough. Like it. Even before then, I felt like it was all over again. And I'm coming back from regionals. It was middle of June at that stage and oh man, I just felt so flat and like Corinne and I were looking to save money to buy buyer and her first home and running businesses. And my body's feeling shit again. Not just from the comp, but more importantly from my knee. And just feel it grinding and just. It was so hard because as human beings we attach to three primary things that ultimately dictate or form what our reality should shape. And that's visually what we see and, and physically what we do, how we feel physically. And then language, what we say, the words we say, both outside and internally, what we say to ourself. I mean, you talk to no one more than you talk to yourself, but that Internal thought. Sorry. Or internal talking. You absolutely do that. We all do that to each other. And for me, man, I felt like I was losing on all three. I was looking at this leg going, oh, this is not looking good. And visually, I just didn't want to be around my environment. I didn't want to be in the gym, didn't want to be anywhere. Just felt down and out. Physically, I was just down, obviously. My body felt like rubbish and my knee felt even worse. And the words and the pattern, the patterns and the talking I was saying wasn't overly ideal. And no one's invincible, guys. That's the thing. You'll see me and see Alan. High energy and highly optimistic. It's definitely not Mask or me parading around. And then behind closed doors, I lay up in the fetal position. It's naturally who I am, but we all need a period of rest, recovery and rejuvenation. We're not robots. No one's invincible. And for me, this shit was real. Like, I was living it, I was feeling it again. I was like, this is again my ninth operation. I've come back and then, do I need another one? And it was so hard. It was so hard. But you know what? The biggest thing that we can take away from the hard times in our life is looking at those periods. It's so hard at the time, obviously, but as best as you can in the time and shortly after looking back on those and going, there's purpose, there's reason, there's a way this can shape me. There's a lesson to be learned that I can take to move myself forward and when we look back, which is why I've moved into heavily, like, I've worked with fathers for 15 years, I've been in the gate 16 years, PT licensing and all that sort of stuff. And I am a bit more old school with my values. I like hanging out with the older guys, got older brothers and like working with dads genuinely. But it's obviously hit home with me a lot more the last three years, but it's something that I'm really passionate about, helping fathers with and helping people out there break free from the constraints of who they were to see that you don't have to replicate who you've been, you don't have to replicate and repeat history. Even though it seemed like I was at the time, you know, lead athlete with, with rugby league and playing internationally, and then halfway around the world, my shoulder falling apart, dislocated for hours, other side of the world, never feeling more alone, no family around me, just completely isolated. Felt like my world was ending, career was destroyed again. And then coming into CrossFit, filling that void, trying to compete again, trying to be the big man, the big dog again and get in front and prove to that little fat boy Al that he can do it. There's a constant battle and it wasn't that I was using or seeking external validation, but obviously we use external metrics or factors to validate our own progress, which is neither good nor bad, but a balance we need to be aware of. But that's what happens when this stuff was hitting me and when the chips were down, hence the title of this episode, I became that little fat boy again. Lacking confidence, fear, afraid in doubt. What's next? I got this business but ultimately it's not, not thriving the way I thought it would. Naive thinking, if you build it, they will come. Al's an ex footy player and CrossFit regional athlete. Opened the door and opened the floodgates. You know, all these different pressures in my life and I just retracted, became that person again. And you don't have to be that. You don't have to replicate and be an older and, or well, an older and lesser because we should always be looking to expand in our life and grow. You don't have to be an older version of yourself. And there are two things that I want to touch on today guys, before I wrap up that ultimately carve out and form your life doesn't have to be the next present moment. Be your life up until this stage and all the previous present moments that you've lived. And those two things form how you are programmed. Your programming which can influence within yourself if you don't have outside factors like someone like me trying to help you. How you choose to see things, your perspective. But your programming comes from two things and those two things are your environment and your experiences. Now again, why I love working with fathers. Go to the source. There wasn't Internet around like there is today when I was younger. I can't imagine the bullying and the cyberbullying and the picking on and the little nitpicky, the stuff that no one will ever see. But it's there. The connotations, the lost meaning or context in just words and how brutal words can be be when they're typed. That wasn't around. But I can't go helping every single child out there in the world nor have access to them. But I go to the fathers, the source. And I love, I work with women and mothers in my gym as well, obviously. But helping fathers, if they can be better, if they can be better dads, better men within themselves, then they will be better fathers. Their kids will have better role models, partners or significant others get a better version they're happier for. And as a community, we rise up, we become better, we become more. But the hard part that we don't realize quickly is children don't control their environment. We control it for them and even to a degree, their schooling, that sort of stuff. We don't control everything, but we can heavily control their environment from which they will see through experiences and their environment, the values they have, the perception of, the ways in which they choose to see the world. This ultimately forms who they continue to become in the journey that is life. And I want children to have the ability to freely express who they want to be and have the guidance and nurturing and nourishment values and principles that we can raise up within ourselves, the standards that we can raise. Now, those two things are important, especially for you as adults and dads listening to this as well. Obviously, the environment is what has formed you. Like who raised you, your parents, where you were, your physical settings of your school, physical settings with how you engaged and interacted with friends, peers, relationships, your own home, what you did at home, what you did outside, what you did at school, schooling, academia, like studying the workforce, your job, your care, all these different environments or parts of your life ultimately form the environment you continue to put yourself in. Now, when you combine it with the experiences you've had, those two together form your programming. And what you believe may or should be true as a default. But it doesn't have to be that way. Like I said, you don't have to replicate the past history of your life. When you're under the pump, when you're down and out, when you're feeling the heat, feeling the pressure, especially with experiences, because you've got a point of perspective on how you chose to see those experiences in the environment you're at, which has formed your programming. And ultimately, that's your life up until now. It's possible, guys, use those three core elements that I spoke about to fortify yourself, to get you so strong, so mentally strong, to be able to break free, breakthrough, and be the person you know you can be above and beyond. It's absolutely possible for you in your life. Use those three core elements, the eyes, visually, if you don't like where you're at, if you're down and out, go somewhere, see something, use your eyes to visually take in some Knowledge, some wisdom. Do something, read something that engages and shifts your beliefs and your reality through sight. Physically get out, train, nourish the body, Cook a meal you've never cooked before. Do something new, adventurous. Get out there, move the body, get the endorphins, the chemicals going like we are having, you know, a human experience. There's chemicals and things that go on. The physiology is real, can't be denied that we're experiencing that. We can use that. We can harness that in the right way. And finally, the big one that I want to finish up with is the words you speak internally and externally. You don't have to always say the words for them to resonate with you. You can say them and speak them inside your thoughts. That is you talking to yourself. That is the conversations that you're having with yourself. And there's so much power there. And I'll share this with you guys now in what happened with me in all the periods of my life didn't happen overnight. I didn't do this when I was a fat boy and I'd lose a kilo. Then put a kilo on, lose two kilos, put another two back on. And that yo, yo, until I broke free. It takes time. It takes years. Well, it took me, it was still going, it still changes. But when I get hit and get rocked, when I feel down and out, when my chips are down and I feel like I'm on my last draw card of what's going on here. Like in any area, whether it's your work, career, your own body, relationships, just strange, just feeling the heat and you feel like you're going to explode. Like, where did that day go? I woke up and then looked at my clock and it's 7:30. Where's this month gone? There's periods where you just feel like you either in the Matrix or Groundhog Day, when that happens, you've got to double down. You ought to double down and be assertive, not react, respond and create the change that you want. You don't have to replicate. Don't replicate or react. Look at your life, your experiences, your environment and choose what you will create. This is your life. You have the control. You have the power. Don't forget your free will. Free your free will. It's absolutely possible. Life is a series of choices and do that. But start visually and physically is good. Sometimes I just want to get a sweat up. I want to go to the beach, want to go for a walk in the bush or see something nice and get out of my environment. Something some Scenery, that's great, but the one you can instantly tap into all the time, immediately, without getting a sweat up, without changing where you physically are, is that third one, internally talk. This is what I say to myself when I get hit. And it rocked me like I bawled my eyes out a couple of weeks ago in the car driving to the gym. There were a couple of personal and things close to me and the different communities that I'm part of where there was loss and death. And it really affected me, but it should, and we should. We're not robots. And I let it run its course. It's natural human emotion. It's supposed to. But as I was bawling my eyes out in the car, this is what I say to myself when I feel like I'm down and out and I have these forms of adversity or these down moments. And I say this repeatedly and there's no script. It's just who I am now. It is my life. And when it happens, I'll say, it's okay, Al. You can do this. You've got this. This is important. This is here for a reason. It can run its course. You're more powerful than you will ever know. You can do this, Al. You have the power. Believe in yourself. Be the change. You're the man. The people need you. Be the gift to this world you are. Be the leader you know you can be. Inspire others. Inspire yourself. Love yourself. You are the one. It's possible, Al. You can do this. You can rise up. You will rise up. This has come to pass. This is important. You will be so much stronger for this. These tears will make you stronger. The reason you're here is much greater than you'll ever know. You can change. You can improve. It's possible. You are the one. Be the gifts of the world. Be the change you will see in the world. You are the man. Make it happen. Take action. Acknowledge, reflect and overcome. Make adversity your ally. You will win. You will be successful. And it's like I say those things all the time. You will not talk to anyone more than you talk to yourself. Understand that. Know that. Don't shy away from that. Pull away and acknowledge that and see that. Be aware of that. And know that when you're doing that, you're engaging with yourself. The greater or lesser version, whatever you want to call it, whatever dialogue you want to put in play to justify what is real and what we all go through, we all do. Know that it's got purpose. It's empowering. It can help you, it will move you forward. And I believe in you. And I believe in all of you. I believe in the greatness that we all have inside of us. It's absolutely there. This isn't just fluff or bullshit or words. It's a high level of belief, which is why I kick ass. It's why I get out there. It's why I can get it done. It's why my capacity is limitless, what's possible. My perception is all powerful and I'm not invincible. It gets challenged daily, as it does for all of us. But know that when you reinvigorate, relight, reignite that power inside of you. And there might just be some smoldering rocks or sticks that's put out your fire and you're feeling down and out and the chips are down. It doesn't have to be that way. You always have a choice. There's always an option. And you have that power inside of you. And this is why we're here. This is true evolution, helping those around us and helping ourselves be better than we were yesterday. I hope this helps, guys. And it's a little bit, a little bit emotional, a little bit heartfelt with these sorts of things, but it's understanding that this is life and this is what it's about. You know, there is no easy path. There is no easy way forward. And why would you want it any other way, though? Because you can't control everything that happens in life. And when you adopt and take on the easy options, your life will become hard. It will get harder. Because guess what? When that time comes, when you don't control the settings, circumstances, environment, what's hitting you right in the face, you'll fall apart. Because you're not tough, you're not resilient. And this isn't about being bitter or jaded. This is about fortifying who you are internally to shape the world and how you want to see this world, this beautiful, magical world that is, is a gift to us all and a true miracle that we're here experiencing it. Oh, man, what a day. I hope you guys have enjoyed this. And this is what I'm all about. Being real, truthful and transparent and hopefully offering value. Because my life is service and it's what my calling is. It's what I'm here for. Anytime you feel down now, guys, reinforce, rebuild. You don't have to be isolated, you know, if I'm going to touch on those three powerful things that's internally, absolutely network and be in the right environment with people around you. That support you. It doesn't have to be that way where you're always going it alone. There's times when you need to do things alone, but often people misconstrue or mix those up. But if you ever need anything, please let me know. If I could ever help you fortify yourself or build your mindset, anything I can do to help. Hopefully this helps you guys. I'm always here for you. Please know that. And when you feel like you're down and out, know that that moment has come to pass. It has come to serve a purpose, to help you see how great you can be. When you're down and out in those most lowest moments, that is when you can see. Wow. I truly am more powerful than I thought before because here we are. I'm going to get on top. I'm going to get ahead and I'm going to win this one. And when it comes again, which it will, I'm going to win that one again. Take it, guys. Have an awesome afternoon, evening, night, morning. Whenever you may be watching or listening to this and hopefully this one works, I'm going to press stop now and check and I can upload this and get the episode. If you've heard me just say that that means that it works. Otherwise I'll have to do another one. But man, that's taken some out of me, that's for sure. I've really enjoyed doing this, guys. If I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening, and good night. I'll see you on the flip side. Thanks, guys.