147. Relationship Revamp

Welcome to another episode of Real Dad Movement podcast. The point and purpose of these episodes, as always, is to have a point and purpose towards helping you win the second half in life by building a path of becoming the best father, husband, man and member of your community that you can be. We do this with various ways of connecting. Life is connection. And as you hear these words spoken time, time and time again, know that the driving force of connection in life is energy. Which means that how you turn up as a father, as a husband, as a valued member of society will always start and end with how you turn up as a man within yourself. First, this is why it's my mission, my purpose, our mission, our purpose through Real Dad Movement to inspire, motivate, educate and guide you into thoughts, feelings, actions and a change in your belief systems to rise up, cut the shit from your life and live and leave a real legacy. When dads win, everyone wins. And when you win, I win. Let's get moving forward, mate. Right here, right now. Relationship revamp. This episode is about establishing some key foundations off the back of understanding and awareness, sure, but then actions to follow through to making sure that you're not only creating optimal and healthier relationships, but also for those of you who may be in your second, your third, married or not, partner or single, you understand possibly some of the patterns and pitfalls. This isn't just about marriage. This is for everyone. And relationships, first and foremost, start with yourself, with yourself. The most crucial, maybe not the most important, maybe not the most important all the time, but certainly some of the time it is but one of the most important, but absolutely critical and crucial relationships. That is a constant that is absolutely never broken. That is the pinnacle from which everything else can thrive from is actually starting with your relationship with yourself. Now, look, we do a lot and you'd know, obviously, if you've been following us for a period of time. Now, there is absolutely a common theme, and it's not casting stones of the opposite of saying you're a victim or judgment or this or that. It's actually, even though it can be perceived that way, its ownership, liberation, standing up for yourself and giving back to yourself, investing in yourself and taking ownership over what you can control. Again, I'm not painting that as a juxtaposition to, well, you know, if you're not that you're a victim. Not at all. Like, we all, we all experience fear. We all experience being scared. We all experience looking outwards instead of inwards. We all experience what it feels like to hold a stone in our Hands. Sometimes to throw it, sometimes to balk at throwing it, sometimes to mimic the action of throwing. No one's perfect. I've thrown plenty of stones in my life. Don't worry about that. And it's something that I feel blessed for now because it's shown me what not to do. And I'm obviously not happy, especially being a young, overweight, obese, depressed boy who got bullied and picked on, who became very fit, healthy and strong and was the bully in year 12. I was the king of the school, right? All that sort of shit. Sit on the back seat. You can't sit on the back seat with me unless you're a senior. All that sort of stuff. So whilst I'm not proud of those moments, it certainly helped me pave the way to go. Cake. You became that which you hated when you were younger, Al. Isn't it funny how life works? But at least you didn't stay there. And that's important, you know, because obviously a large period of time has passed since high school. But yes, the common theme, man, it's relationship with yourself, understanding you better if you. If you can't understand yourself. Again, I get passionate, but how the fuck can you understand anyone else? How? You can't. Like, it's like you're stepping out onto lily pads thinking that there's solid foundations of concrete underneath them. You will fall in the water. Like, you're not going to stay dry, mate. You know, like, you think that you've got security around the four walls of life because your perceptions and your sensory perceptions of life are outwards from your fingertips to your nose to your mouth, to your eyeballs. No, no, no, it doesn't matter. It cannot be something that is navigated successfully outwards in your relationships with your children, with your wife, your partner, the opposite sex with your workers, your colleague, your businesses, your clients, your customers. You can't do any of that, mate, if you don't shore up and solidify the relationship with yourself. But in this episode, what we're going to be talking about is a relationship revamp. Now, again, you will naturally find what I'm talking about when I'm asking you to explore yourself, to think revelations, takeaways, you're naturally going to find, you know, where the. Where the voodoo, the little voodoo doll, you know, where the pin is pressed most. So when we're talking about this, you know what, it might be a marriage. It might be a relationship with your teenage daughter, might be a relationship with your two boys who are now men or your three kids. That are nine, seven and five, or your four kids or your one child. You're going to find what I'm going to share with you. In opening your eyes and your perspective on things, you're going to find that and you will attach that to something which is closest to you. Possibly a pain point. Absolutely. But that's okay. We initiate movement away from pain, but you can't keep that as a driving force. You'll burn out away from pain, towards greatness. You need both towards greatness, love, leadership, legacy. Pick them all. Pick all the words. Meaning, fulfillment, contribution, achievement, purpose, significance. Let's see how many we can come up with. Passion. Maybe not, but you know, worth meaning. Like this is all of these, they tie into life being worth living. You will do it and that's okay. But make sure you do this with yourself first. Relationship revamp. When we're talking about revamping relationships, it's absolutely understanding that relationships come down to something pure and simple as needs being met, as being one that is gauged to be successful. So when you're talking or thinking or feeling about yourself, if you're not taking time out for yourself, creating space, nourishing, moving the body, self respect, that doesn't mean you have to have a six pack to work with us, but self respect and value to at least have a level of health and care inside of your wellness. Life is energy. It's coupled with time that we'll never get back. Well man, you got to do that to start with. That's a starter. We're living life through the human body. You can't neglect that. When we're looking at revamping relationships, it's a set of being successful, built off, needs being met. Which means we start this by having a very clear statement. All breakdowns come from needs not being met. I want you to think about that. When you've thrown stones at yourself, when you've not been proud of what's been looking back at you in the mirror, when you've been disappointed or angry that you've blown your stack, lost your cool with the kids. I mean, shit man, like you know, if you're 35, 45, 55, have your kids been around as long as you? I mean there's nothing wrong with standards, but expectations of standards and actions can only really be held within the walls of your control, which is you, you can set those. You certainly can't set an expectation of an outcome with your children. Like come on mate, you become lazy, you become loose lipped and lazy around your children because you told them to clean their room for the 20th time. Welcome to life. Maybe it'll take 200 times, maybe 2,000 times. I mean, did you get up one day and start walking when you're a toddler and they go, oh, sweet, I've ticked this box. I don't want to walk anymore. Someone get me a scooter. Fuck. Mate, if you haven't worked out now that life is just a series of repetitions and repetitions with small tweaks and adjustments. That's our pillars of progress, precision and purp. How well are we doing it? Why are we doing it? How well can we do it? Why are we doing it? Are we getting better at doing it? Why are we doing it? If you haven't figured that out, then you're long lost. Or maybe now's your moment to turn around and go, well, actually, Al's got a point. Look, I need to repeat myself at work. We need to do the same thing at work. We need to execute on these systems, follow through on these processes, have these meetings. So what changes with your children? Well, generally, you don't have the tolerance because you don't have the energy or you're tired or you're burnt out, or it's something that irks you because they're a representation of you and yourself from which you then cast outwards. Frustration because you don't have your own shit together. Hey, easy to. Easy to point the finger at someone else and yourself. I mean, look, if I didn't share and have transparency inside our group of the hardships, the triumphs, the falls, the tribulations, everything that I go through, I could just be Al kicking back in his chair, just pointing the fucking finger, going, come on, you go do it. What sort of respect do you think I'd have? None. So I'm very transparent with the men on the inside and with you guys here as well. I mean, you know, you dive into my podcast and you listen to all of them nearly at 150, you probably have a fair insight into my life and what's going on at the time of recording as well. It's amazing, isn't it, the way that it flows? Like, oh, yeah, I can. I can see where Al was at at this stage of his journey. Go to the early episodes. You're like, wow, Al's, like, completely different to episode 35 or 26 or 17. Even the first one. I need to redo the first one, actually, because that's important. That is. Who is Alex Renieri. And, well, that changes, doesn't it. So that first episode is actually, you know, nearly three years old now. So I need to definitely dive back into that. The point is, all needs that you have have an origin, they have a source. And when it comes down to it, you are human, I am human. We are here to handle the mess, to handle the big list, the bullshit life dishes up, the bullshit we dish up ourselves, the hardships, the challenges, like that's, it's what we can do, right? Otherwise we break down. It's actually a phenomenal trait and ability as a human being to continually seek progress, performance and growth. And look, it's unfortunate that so many actually don't. There is a period of time where they settle, of course, but choice, that's a choice. Revamping relationships first comes in understanding the problem. And problems start small, then they get big. And the small problems that get big, that become breakdowns. All of them happen because needs are not being met and it's not a defining moment. Here we go. This has happened rarely. Rarely. Traumatic experience. And look, that's true. If there's affairs that are going on, if there's one day I don't love you anymore, if there's one day they're gone, bags of pack. Like, as traumatic as that moment is, you need to ask the question, man, why did that happen? Why did I do that? Why did she do that? And then go upstream to the source and then recognize, oh yeah, you know what, this was going for a long time. And you know what? If you know this pattern of disconnect, these breakdowns, needs not being met. And if some of you are sitting or standing or walking or listening to this going, well, that's not true for me, Al, like one day just happened, I was completely blind. So I was shocked. Well, unfortunately, man, the truth behind that, I'm not saying you're lying, it's true, but the truth behind that is, well, you didn't pay enough fucking attention, did you? Because if something shocks you and you don't have a finger on the pulse in life, as a father, as a husband, as a man, working, running his own business, in his career, inside of yourself, your health, your well being, if you don't have, I'm not going to say finger in each pie, but they are the circles of significance. If you don't have an eye on that and you're keeping guard at family, self and service, the juggling balls of life that are rubber. They are rubber. They're quite resilient. Like your wife is resilient, your children are resilient. You are resilient. The world is full of that. There is. There is resilience out there. But these juggling balls turn from rubber into stone very quickly. Hard to pick up, hard to carry, a lot of muscle. Now I'm throwing three stones in the air. Shit. One's turn the glass. I can't fucking drop this. Well, I just dropped the stone. Now I've got to bend over, pick up the stone. I've got to keep juggling. Got to keep juggling glass. One drops, bang. Shatters. Done. So unfortunately, what it means is, and it's not a fault thing, please understand this. It's not a fault thing. It is purely understanding that you weren't paying attention. You took your eyes off it. This is the hard part. Like, shit, man, who's to blame? You. You're born into this world with the hat of being a son, potentially a brother, a nephew, a grandson, a baby, a male, a human being in society. Like, you're already born with so many hats. It's almost like we're born into a world of burden. And it's hard because it doesn't take much for any of us to look around and go, man, there's some fucking shit in this world. There's some bad stuff in this world. There's just. There is despair, there's sorrow, there's pain, there's evil. Of course there is. But when you say yes to that, you say no to creation. What can you create? How can you change? How can you improve? How can you grow? How can you focus on the love, the great things in life, building, creating the great things in life if they're not around you, leading and influencing a new environment to have the great things in life. So don't blame your man. The hard part is it's not about blame, or I should have paid more attention or I shouldn't. It's like, it's fucking done, mate. It's done. It's too late. You know, we get fathers who sit on the fence for a long time. That's okay, like, we're not here to chase you and whatnot, but when you come to us, I can't work miracles, man. Like, if it's been four months, six months, missus has left for 12, like it, maybe we can reconcile. We've done that before. I can't give you a guarantee on that. But, yes, we've absolutely done that in phenomenal ways with fathers before. But all that aside, it's actually helping you rebuild yourself first and establish who it is that you want to be so hard, isn't it? All the different hats we wear, all the chaos in life, trying to create order amongst the chaos. Time just goes and goes and goes. I'll get there one day, I'll get round to it. Would of, should of, could've gonna. So don't blame me for it, mate. But when these things do come up and bite you on the ass, the patterns are there. Either self impose or subconsciously. If you bury your head in the sand, you will have to look up eventually. You will have to open your eyes eventually. You'll have to draw in a breath of air. You will have to look in the mirror eventually. Tough. So let's go to source. Let's go to the source and understand that all needs, all breakdowns come when needs are not being met. And let's revamp this relationship, okay? Ask this question when this is for you. Now this is, this is starting with yourself first. Whether it's you with your wife. Needs aren't being met. She's not providing what it is that you desire. It's not about expectations. You know, I bring money home, give me sex. It's got nothing to do with that, you know? And again, control. What you can control, you can influence, you can create environments, needs not being met. Okay, well what are those needs? Do you actually understand what they are? Or is it just a gut feel and inner sort of churning? That's like something's all right. I'm not getting this, I'm not getting that. And it's like, what is that? What is the need? What are they? What are those needs that aren't being met? And what are the needs that you know when they are met? How are they met? You know, for men, we're so simple. Like we are so simple to figure out. All we want from our queen is to feel like the king. We just want to be wanted and desired and needed. Now that might mean words for you, that might mean physical gifts, that might mean quality time, that might mean acts of service, it might mean physical touch. Most of us, physical touch plays a role. Of course. We're primal men. And that's not relevant to the bedroom either. Like, it is that physical touch, footy teams, high fives, hugs, bromances and all that sort of shit. It's true. Like this is. It's energy, right? It's muscle. It's flexed. It's primal, it's masculine. Nothing wrong with that. What are they? Where did those needs come from? Like, is it something that was planned inside of your head? Was it A past experience, past relationship, different conditioning through different schooling systems. Your parents, there was a father who wasn't there for you that you needed. So it's a bit harder for you to navigate that for your own son or your sons or daughters or both. What are those needs that are not being met and how are they? How are they actually met? Because this is important, this is going to flow through nicely from which you can then open up a dialogue and build. Where did they come from and why are they your truth? Is that a need that you actually need or is it a feeling, a feeling alone? I'm not saying feelings are wrong, but is it an emotion, a reaction type emotion? All breakdowns when needs aren't being met, what are they? Where do they come from? Why are they the truth. Okay, cool. Let's peel back one more layer. Well, why are these needs not being met? Comes down to communication. Like you don't know what you don't know. Right. So when your wife or your children, everyone's going through their own problems in life just like you're going through your own problems, just like I'm going through my own problems. Bit hard for someone to just stop up and look and go, hang on, I'm going to put all my problems to the side. I'm just going to focus on Bill. What does Bill need right now? How can I help him? How can I help you, love? If it's your wife or dad, you can't blame him. It's hard, especially if you haven't taken leadership and ownership over your needs to start communicating. Agreements. Are there agreements in place? I'm not talking about solidified contracts like marriage and all sorts of stuff. Literally having an agreement like this is what we're going to do when we talk about honey and handsome time. This is how we're going to create order in the house as parents raising the children. Well, this is what we want to do together as husband and wife. This is what I want to do with you, son, to build this, build this connection and help you build resilience. We're going to train together. I want, you know, we're going to go into different sports. What sports you want to play. Creating agreements, that's important and what you need as well. Why are they not being met? Communication agreements, external influences. Right. Environment can hinder this. Yeah, perfect. I know this is just a very direct go for the kill quite thing, but if you've got young kids and you want to have some intimacy with your wife, good luck with that. I mean, you know that you're not going to have any private time, any alone time, any quiet time. That's one example. But it could be other people that influence a lack of needs being met. It could be a specific environment. Are you changing the environment could be certain things. It could be sedation and distraction that becomes a chronic part of your habit systems, which fucks your energy up. And it also chooses your time. And you're actually not providing through external influences, people, places and things, the platform for your needs to even have an opportunity to be met. What does this all mean? This means that you lack certainty. You feel like you lose control of your part to play in a relationship, either to yourself, to someone else, to your children, to your business, to work. It becomes a level of scarcity, of importance. I just don't feel important now. I can't remember the last time I actually felt appreciated. And we all have our own love language. And bless my wife to have some time out. She organized the in laws to come up and look after the kids for a few hours. And that was great. You know, got roasted in the sun, face was burnt like a cherry tomato. Look, we spent some time alone at the beach. It was cool. I enjoyed it. But ultimately, I mean, for me, if you're going to ask me what my needs are, words mean fuck all. Because doing what I do, man, I've heard lots of words. So whether it's a relationship, whether it's a stranger, whether it's a consultant, commitment's something that I believe is backed with actions. You know, words. Words can create or initiate impact, just like these will end. We've had guys who've then taken action off the back of these words who've emailed us going out. You know, I'm not a member, but your podcast changed my life, man. This, this, and this is happening. And they. That's awesome. I'm pumped for you. I'm not saying words are useless, but for me, it's like, I don't. Look, I love being with the kids. It's not that I'm going stir crazy around the kids because I'm obviously still working, so I'm not with the kids 12, 16 hours a day. It's not about that. And it's not about just having sex with my wife. It's like, you know what? I just, man, I wouldn't mind just, you know, just sounds crazy because of lockdowns and everything. Like, you know, I train. I train heavy, hard. My muscles are tight, man, I wouldn't mind just a neck rub. Like, just a neck Rub and just rubbing the shoulders, like. And I didn't say this to my. To my wife. It wasn't that she did wrong. It's just fascinating. I'm just painting this example. This is real as well. Obviously that her idea of providing appreciation for me was getting me away from the kids and getting looked after so we can just be husband and wife. And that was awesome. Loved it. But it's funny because there's times where for me, like, my needs aren't being met. Is just something as simple as going, man, I could just do with like a neck rub or just a shoulder rub. Very tight. Been training a lot. Obviously. I do a fair bit of work behind an office. In the office, behind a desk as well. You know, I do a lot. A lot of videos, a lot of filming, you know, clearly a lot of presentation work. And so I was like, yeah, I get. I get stressed. Neck, shoulders, head. In those days of getting massages, although everything seems to be getting back to normal now. But that could be a need, right? So it changes too. That's what I mean by external environment and influences. But communication agreements, again, that's what that wasn't that it was a right or wrong. I was just observing. Like, it's fascinating. Like, this is what my wife thinks that I want or need. And I love it. It's great. And is it a want or need? Yeah, it's probably a want. I enjoyed it. Not necessarily a need. That would take a few hours away and set up all the moving parts to have the kids looked after. That would be stressful to me. But maybe that's what she wants. So maybe I should take note. Right. Interesting how we apply our love languages onto others because that's what we connect to most and that's what's familiar. You should probably write that down or make a note of that because it's imperative that you speak the love language that those that you care about will listen to and absorb. Because my three kids, all very different. Crazy, isn't it, how different they are in what was almost a similar setting for raising them. But yeah, Lillian, completely different to Stella, completely different. At Roman, I can just see the different needs just starting to form up as they create their own little human that they are. And yeah, it's fascinating. This is what it leads to for most of us as men. A lack of certainty, scarcity of importance. And my point just to bundle that last few minutes up was crink. Could sit down, look me in the eyes and go, we appreciate you so much. I'm like that's great. Thank you. Gone. Awesome. Show me, show me your appreciation. Please don't just give me words. I love them. They're very nice. They come in, there's an absorption and they go. And this is what I'm talking about, about being creative. Like, instead of telling your wife you appreciate her, you could write five different. I mean, there's a million ideas. We should sit down actually and do an episode one day and just brainstorm all these different little missions or tasks you can have, not just for your wife, but one of those is. Yeah, you know, post it. Note 1 out of 5, 2 out of 5, 3 out of. So there's mystery, right? There's curiosity. Women love that. They love that stuff. Curiosity, yes. Some playfulness, some laughter, some jokes thrown in there. Hurl too much ship, you can be a little bit cheeky and dialing that in with a little bit of something that's relevant to them. So when I'm writing something, yes, they are words, but they're not spoken. There's a mystery, there's post it notes. It's a, you know, it's like, it's like an Easter egg hunt. She's got to go find them. They're hidden around the house. Like, I'm telling you, mate, this takes less than 10 minutes of your time. You know, you don't have to do it all the time. I might do it maybe a couple of times a year. You just mix it up. But that energy, expression means more than someone just speaking words. Way more. So it's interesting how you can really build on this. So when we're looking at revamping relationships, understanding that all breakdowns come from needs being met, of course. What are they? Where do they come from? Why are they your truth? Why are they not being met? And what does it mean when they're not being wet? Okay, not being met. And then where do we go to from here? All right, well, let's establish how to turn things around. And one of the greatest ways you can turn things around. Yes, of course. Is action. And we're going to talk about that a little. I'm actually going to talk about action last because I really want to tie that into the three Cs of connection. And it's something that's important. Excuse me, three Cs of connection. This is how you turn it all around, how you revamp relationships. Again, start with yourself. Where are you self sabotaging, where you talk, popping yourself, cutting yourself down, telling you yourself that you're not worthy, you're not Valued, Lacking self respect. Respect through grooming. Maintenance of yourself. Looking after your health, your well being. Waking up. I'm the man enchanting that, creating that, that mantra, affirmations written. Where's the post it note? I mean, I got this poster note here. It's been here forever. It's right on the power button of one of my. I've got three screens at work. One of the screens be the change you will see in this world. It's a pain in the ass because it covers the off button, but I guess I don't turn my screens off. There, bang. Be the change. Don't wish for the change. Don't see the change. Don't experience the change. Fucking be the change that you will see in this world. When dads win, everyone wins. But it's done through love and leadership, not throwing stones. Not other things that I don't control, not the injustices out there in the world. Because there's lots. And you and I both know there's lots. Especially around court, especially around divorce. And it's fucked. But what can we do? What can we control? How can we move forward through the actions we control? So when we're looking at revamping your relationships, the three Cs of connection, like I said, first and foremost, your relationship with yourself. You must be connected to you, who you are, and carve out who it is that you wish to be the next day, the next month, the next year. Communication. Communication. One of the greatest forms of communication is listening, but not passively. Actively controlling the narrative, asking quality questions of yourself, of those you love and care about, those you're engaging in dialogue with, or conversation with. Communication. Your posture, your body language, your eyes, your attention. Removing sedation, distraction. Don't communicate when you got a belly full of piss. Don't communicate when you're on your phone, texting or when you're watching a movie. Undivided attention. That's the greatest depth of communication. And not just speaking words. Doesn't matter how fancy you are, your vocabulary, or how well you articulate things. I can do all of those. But if I'm talking, guess what? I'm not listening. You should write that down as well. When I'm talking, I'm not listening. Pretty hard to do. Pretty hard to do, isn't it? Talk and listen at the same time. There's like a bit of a barrier. It's like there's an expression of energy and there's a space and then there's a reception of energy and there's a space Communication. One of the most powerful tools is listening. Listening, but actively paying attention, but actively asking quality questions. So you have some influence over steering the narrative. This is going south quick. This is not right. This doesn't feel good. This isn't going the way that it should be. This is pointless. This isn't serving. Okay, cool. Redirect a little bit. Okay? Why is that important? How is this moving us forward? Is that. Is that facts or is that just feelings? Just really. There's no right or wrong here, man. It takes time to build this. It's a skill set. To build this skill set with your wife, with your children, with yourself. Communication, that's the first C. And that is critical when it comes to paving the way for building a better connection, especially when needs are not being met by either yourself or for yourself. Next one's clarity. Clarity is communication plus context plus comprehension. So, of course, inside of your communication, more often than not, there is context and comprehension. But if you're just blabbering on or just listening aimlessly or you're not even involved and you're just a fucking punching bag, which none of you should ever be, you should never be a punching bag for someone to just vent with copious amounts of dumping on you. You don't deserve that. No one deserves that. Communication and then context. Okay, what is it? What is it you're actually talking about? What's the point? What's the point of this dialogue? What's the point of this embracing this exchange, this conversation, this experience that we're now sharing together? Is there understanding, comprehension? Does it make sense? What's the point? Does it make sense to you and to you? Or to you and to her? Or to you and to the kids? Or your son, you and your daughter, you and your worker, you and your colleague, you and your business partner, you and your customer? Life is connection, man. Like, if life is energy and life is built on a series of relationships, which is energy exchange, that is a connection. Life is connections, full of connections and full of relationships. And most of those developed, built, broken, destroyed, tarnished, is skill sets. Building, developing skill sets to create alignment with those. I mean, if there's 8 billion people in the world, there's 8 billion realities. Think about that for a second. I think about a packed stadium with 80,000 people. Okay, times it by 10. 800,000. Times it by a hundred. 8 million. Times it by a thousand. 80 million. Like, you get the picture. Like, a million seconds is 11 days. A billion seconds is 33 and a half years. Think about that for Context, right. A million seconds. So think of a million people. That's a lot. A million seconds is 11 days. A billion seconds is 33 years. 11 days, 33 years, 11 days, 33 and a half years. I mean, I love perspective. If you haven't figured that out by now, I'm sure you will very quickly if you've only just been started following us. And I love perspective around time. You're a middle aged man listening to this. You've got 150,000 hours left and you're dead. How's that make you feel? Roughly 7 hours, 20 minutes sleep a night. That gifts because life is a gift. It gifts you 1,000 minutes a day. Which means at the time of recording this, with 64 odd days left, you've got 64,000 minutes. That's it. 20, 22 is gone. You've got 8,064 hours a year. That's it. Pretty crazy, right? So when we're looking at that, it's a lot, man, it's crazy. A lot of different perspectives, a lot of different people, a lot of different lives, a lot of different viewpoints, positions, a lot of different lenses to see the world, a lot of different experiences. So it's important that those that are closest to us, this is what connection is, creating alignment with those that are aligned to our journey. More often than not. There's some overlap. You don't have to be bang on the same page as Albert. There's some overlap for sure. You're living your path, I'm living mine. But yeah, man, it's connection and then just finding your tribe to connect to, you know, I mean, if we keep going at this rate, it's obviously no mystery that this is going to be something that I'm not just waffling this off like it's easy, ridiculous sacrifices. But yes, we will become a global movement and I'm proud of that. It's going to be awesome. But ultimately it's about that ripple effect to those that you love and care about and just creating some sort of mark in your life which starts first and foremost with yourself, three Cs of connection, communication and then clarity. So you must bring that communication to the table with context and comprehension, which becomes understanding, it becomes investment. If you're listening to your wife, if you're listening to your children, you're showing investment. Why you're giving time and energy to things you never get back. You know, it's really interesting, this whole message of what we do, you know, when it started as real dad movement and it Became our high performance father coaching program. The whole time I was just dancing around all of my mindset pieces and I couldn't see it. Funnily enough, we just did it right. And it's hard. But what we're building is literally ways to quantify feelings and facts with tangible data. So quantifiable feelings with tangible data and facts, which is something we're very proud of. I mean, no one's going to come close to our program now, let alone what it's becoming in 2022. But you know, I looked at it, I was like, shit, man. High performance father. We are high performing with time and energy. We help you get your shit together with two things that you will never get back. Having phenomenal health, physical and mental. I don't care how physically fit you are. Mental health, your temperament, your nature, not being triggered, being on the level, having stability for your family, not losing your shit, not being selfish in that respects, but actually developing leadership through your own organization of who you are internally and then obviously externally, the endurance to carry the day. It's not just how fit you are in a gym and then time. Yeah, really organizing your priorities. What's important, what are you saying yes to, from which you're saying no to something else and knowing that vice versa, and establishing the most important thing in your life. There'll only ever be one. So what's my mitt this week? What's my mitt in family? What's my mitt in self? What's my mitt in service? My most important thing. So it was really weird how it just dummy one day and I was just, I was like, shit, man, that's exactly it. Like we are high performing with the two assets that you will never get back. Time and energy, health and experiences that you will create or be part of. It's why when you do this properly, you will revamp relationships. Starting, like I said, with yourself. Communication, bringing context and comprehension in. So there's clarity. And the final one is commitment. So you started investing time and energy. Listening, talking, speaking, opening up dialogue, body language, posture, cutting away, sedation and distraction. Being present, being now, being in the moment, not future fantasy or fear and past pleasure or pain and just bouncing between the two. You're fucking here. You're here right now. You're not just reading a book to your kids, thinking about work tomorrow. You're reading every word. You're looking at the follicles, you know, on the, on their, on their face, a little hair follicles through their head and you're like, wow, look at this miracle. Look at this thing blinking right, this little thing with a heartbeat. Or your kids might be teenagers. Look at him run. Look at how well he goes with soccer or touch footy or look at the beautiful artwork she's doing. You know, like, it's. It really is. We're so zoomed in on the chaos, we don't just zoom out a little bit to go, man, look at this shit. This is life. This is energy in motion. It's incredible. Commitments. So you started with some communication. You're dialing that in to create some clarity and then commitment. All right, where to from here? The actions and making that, like I said before, agreements or building action off that. Now, we had a saying in football that we needed to get good field position, complete assets, work down in the team, the opposing team's energy levels. And we used to say, we've got to earn the right to play. When I'm talking about communication and whatnot, this is all great. It's sitting down, it's creating a dialogue with yourself, your wife, your children. All of that's all well and true, and it's fantastic. You've got to earn that right as well. So if you're a father who just sits down and starts making all these fucking demands after listening to his podcast, but you've not done what you said you would do, so you're lacking commitment, there's a lack of trust, there's a lack of stability because you can't be depended upon, even if it's something so small, like taking the trash out or, you know, like, it's not that that's the man's job or the woman's job. It's just pretty clear that when there's a toll that needs to be fixed on the roof, I'm better for it than my wife. When it comes to organizing the rubbish and having three kids packing that fucker down in the bin, I do that better than Corinne. You know, it comes to organizing the kids and having a little bit more patience and setting them up with the night routines, Corinne is better at organizing that. I still partake in it. I help out with a bath for bedtime, the books and everything. But when it comes to having some form of leverage or, like I said, earning the right to play with talk, feelings, commitments, agreements, working together, building better communication. You got to build the runs on the board first, man. Like, you got to take action. You've got to create some set of outcomes, and it's not as leverage for you to go, hey, I'VE done all this. What about this? It's just to go, hey, I'm an integral man and these are my values. And yes, I've dropped the ball, yes, I've fucked up, yes, I'm not perfect, neither are you, neither is anyone. But here I am now, I've done this consistently, I'm moving forward consistently. I'm trying, I'm executing. I've worked hard for three months, for six months, for six years. And I'm building this because sometimes it will take a while. Mate, just a side note on that, life's quicker than we think. But there's certainly times where it does feel like it's a bit of a long game to earn our stripes or earn the medallions back for certain accolades, so to speak. Not that it's expected, it's just something that is a passage of time that opens up that opportunity. But when you do it without assumptions or expectations, with a finite time, but you do it because of your integrity and the values and standards you uphold yourself, you'll never lose. You'll actually get exactly what you want without asking for what you want. But once you've built that foundation, yeah, it is important because like I said, your wife, your kids, they're going through their own shit. Well, hang on a minute. Like, I am getting taken for a bit of a ride here. Let's sit down with the family. Look, dad gives a lot. Let's look at the weekly calendar. This is what dad does. There's actually nothing there for dad, just to give to dad. So I need to get out and walk two days a week. I'm willing to work with you. We are a family unit. What does that look like? Tuesday afternoon, Friday morning, done. You know what? Friday mornings. Boys, if you want to come for a walk with dad, set your alarm a bit earlier. It'll be good discipline for you. Instead of waking up at 7, let's get up at 6. Come with the old man. We'll go for a walk. We'll go down to the lake, or we'll go through the forest, or we'll have a bit of. Look at this. We'll head down the beach. Awesome. Great. You can include the family. It's not about you just isolating or escaping life either. You gotta earn that right, man. You gotta earn that right to play. So solidify yourself, your own standards and actions off the back of taking the right actions moving forward. But then apply this to three Cs. Communication, clarity and commitments to revamp your relationships. Understand needs and explain those. Explore those Together. Look, I'm not sure if this is true or not, but this is how I feel. I feel like I'm unappreciated. And I know that you do this and that and that for me, and that's great. But you know what? Some of those things I don't really ask for. And I'm not saying that it's a waste of your time. It's just, this is what I connect to better. And guess what? When you build this skill set, what does it give you the tools to do? To go out and seek clarity for those that you're connected to? Please tell me. Like, I know we're not connecting as much as we used to. I know that there's challenge where. It's been a tough couple weeks. What do you need? What can I do for you? What is something that will make you feel important or appreciated? Please tell me. Look, I'm tired. I'm cooked, man. You're tired as well. It's been a tough few weeks or a tough month with work or with the kids. How can I help you? How can we help each other? And then you make those commitments together because you're communicating, you're building clarity. And it's like, okay, commitment time. It's not the big Hail Mary. A piece of paper that says I'm married means fuck all to me. That was Al so many years ago. This is Al right here today, you know, and it's important to understand that, like, it's a continued commitment, not a. That piece of paper means I'm locked in for life. The fuck does that even mean? No respect to those that value marriage. I do as well. But it's something that has been constructed in society instead of, hey, let's use our actions in our energy show, not. Not just tell with something that we fixate outside of ourselves. Why don't we start with. With some real truths, not a piece of paper with some ink on it. So when it comes down to it, these little commitments are exactly that. Because like I said at the very start of this episode, problems start small. They get big. They become breakdowns. Well, guess what? The exact same applies with solutions. The commitments, the actions. To yourself, with yourself, to yourself, with someone else, to yourself, with your children. Start small. It's that little domino, man. The next domino. Guess what? Because of the leverage, the G's, the G force, because of the momentum, the next one could be 50% bigger. This is a mathematical formula. The next one could be 50% bigger. There's a cool little video that I Saw a while ago, I think I mentioned one of my episodes where starts with one the size of a bloke's hand. So it's obviously bigger than a normal domino, but just the size of his hand, man. The last one's like six stories. It's made out of plow to something big. Fucking thud. Explodes everywhere. People are around cheering. It's like in some sort of. Looks like it's in Paris or Europe somewhere and everyone's just cheering. That's the momentum, that's the velocity you can create. Start small. Okay, cool. Now we've communicated. Now we've got some clarity. Where to from here? What are these little commitments we're going to make? What are you going to make and what are they going to make? So let's say, for example, if it is husband and wife, okay, what commitment will you make to me? What commitment are you going to make to yourself? What commitment I am going to make to you? What's the commitment I'm going to make to myself? Remember, you're individuals. You're a married couple. You're an intimate couple. Lovers, man and woman, and your parents. Three main roles for the household. Don't ever forget that. So that's just an example on that. What are those commitments? Or it could be to yourself. You know what my commitment to myself is? To stop waking up and just letting that little voice fucking scream in my ear. As soon as I wake up, I'm going to write down three of the best things that I've ever done or three of the greatest things I've done this month. And I'm going to look in the mirror and I'm going to say, you are the man, Al. Today's the day. Not tomorrow, not yesterday. Today. Today's my day. It's my time. And that could be a little commitment you make. That's your action. That's how you get started. Communication, open up the dialogue. Start to build in some context and comprehension to get some clarity. And from there, set the alignment. Where to from here? Build those micro commitments and take action. That's how you revamp relationships, whether it's with your wife, with your children, with your workers or colleagues, with your customers or clients. If there becomes a point where a breakdown is coming from needs not being met, bang, get on it right away, man. Don't fuck around. Don't hesitate, don't delay. Push your pride negative to the side. Get out of your own way. Rectify straight away. And the relationship revamp actually starts with yourself. Because the reason why you may feel like you influence or cause pain to others, your wife, your children, you're working on it is because you don't believe your worthy or valued. You don't believe you're worthy of success. You don't believe you're worthy of love. You don't believe you're worthy of financial wealth or freedom. You don't believe you're worthy of your children. Looking in the eyes and saying, I love you, dad sounds crazy, doesn't it? It's so crazy, man, when you say that. Fuck, you're kidding now, but now I look at it, yes, I am doing that because I'm saying no to these amazing things. I'm actually saying yes to me putting myself in a position where I don't have the respect for myself that I should. And that's the truth, man. There's a lot of gray matter in life, but there's also a lot of binaries. Yes and nos. I hope this episode serves you well. Relationship revamp. What are the key things that you need to do right now? Not next month, not next year, right now. When establishing the needs, what they are, where they've come from, why are they your truth? And then establishing some footing on well, why are those needs not being met? What is it equaling right now? And then what am I going to do about it? Let's start with the three Cs of connection. Let's build some communication in active and passive, supportive, assertive and direct. Not aggressive, not blowing a stack, just being transparent and having that transparency and then building in some clarity and then building in some commitments. Because as soon as you start making those commitments and this, this process is like our amazing eight principle. You think it, you feel it, you write it, you read it, you speak it, you behave it, you believe it, and you act on it. So behavior is your mental approach and attitude. Act on it, take action with it, and then you reinforce it as truth. That's the key to success when life is energy. And energy is made up of connection points, which is relationships. Take this. Now take these tools like we do with every episode. Apply them directly to your life. Start with yourself first. Ask the quality questions of yourself. Build those three Cs in your internal dialogue, and then carry that through transition. Well, take a few breaths when you're going from work to home, home to work. Make sure you realign. Understand how fucking lucky you are. You are lucky, you are blessed. I'm not a big fan of luck per se, but when looking at the gift of life, we are all incredibly gifted to be here. What a miracle, right? 1 in 400 trillion. Don't ever forget that. But take this. Apply it to your life. Use it to raise up the level of leadership you can be. And then apply it to others. 1,000 minutes a day. It's a lot. But when you're wasted on shit that doesn't serve you or move yourself or your family forward, you are bleeding. The most valuable resource that you and I never get back. How much time do you think you have? And how much quality do you think you've had? Don't be a fool like the masses, thinking you'll cheat the system or get round to it one day or worse. Just accepting life and sinking back into a slumber of regret. This is your moment, your time. You're cut from a different cloth. You have the hunger and desire to be more and live more. Otherwise you wouldn't be here. So stand up. Find the golden nuggets. In this episode you just listened to and align immediate action with them and where you want to go. You are worthy. This is your life. You are the king. And this is your kingdom. Now go and claim it by showing, not telling and be the real leader you and I both know you were born to be.