165. Busting Myths That Are Busting Your Marriage

Welcome to another episode of Real Dad Movement podcast. The point and purpose of these episodes, as always, is to have a point and purpose towards helping you win the second half in life by building a path of becoming the best father, husband, man and member of your community that you can be. We do this with various ways of connecting. Life is connection. And as you hear these words spoken time, time and time again, know that the driving force of connection in life is energy. Which means that how you turn up as a father, as a husband, as a valued member of society will always start and end with how you turn up as a man within yourself. First, this is why it's my mission, my purpose, our mission, our purpose through Real Dad Movement to inspire, motivate, educate, and guide you into thoughts, feelings, actions, and a change in your belief systems to rise up, cut the shit from your life and live and leave a real legacy. When dads win, everyone wins. And when you win, I win. Let's get moving forward, mate. Right here, right now, Busting myths that are busting your marriage. We're here in this special session with 10 key points. 10 myths that we're going to be busting up, breaking apart. Whether it's you, whether it's your wife, whether it's everyone involved inside of your life. Holy fuck, that rhymes here. I'm going on like a poet. It comes down to what can I control, what can I do about it? What am I going to do about it? And what can I learn from this experience, these experiences, the many experiences that we have in life. And that's what life is. Life is a process of. Well, I don't know, I'd be guessing, but I'd say probably millions and millions of experiences from the day we're born to the day we die. Busting myths that are potentially busting up your marriage. You know, you need to look at your marriage essentially with a couple of moving parts. All breakdowns come from a lack of needs not being met. But on top of that, treating your marriage as such, like it is an organism, something that must continually be fed. You need to look inside of your life and recognize when there's challenges coming. In certain areas, we come together as the whole package as a man, not just physically, not just mentally, not just emotionally, not just spiritually, or how you feel you want to have a deeper connection. We've got to be cautious of which area we are really starving. The relationship. This is why relationships die. They starve to death. You know, if I was going to, you know, just ad lib here on the Spot, look at, you know, why am I starving? Or how am I starving? Our marriage to death and then inevitably dying. Communication would absolutely be the water you need to hydrate your marriage, man. And you cannot do that if you do not communicate, if you do not connect with what's happening inside you, past, present, or future, towards that which you love and connect to your wife and your children, all your relationships. Communication is key, man. Communication is the water that will at least keep the marriage surviving for a period of time, as it might feel like it's crawling through the desert at certain times in your life and really is a bit rocky. And food would definitely be the nourishment of time and energy. Like, okay, we're communicating, but what time and energy are we putting into this now? This isn't about just surviving a few sips of water and just filling up a cap full of water going, okay, well, this will get us through to the next day. I'm just going to lay here under a palm tree and hopefully I don't fucking die. No, no, it's about absolutely thriving. Otherwise, what's the point? Why are you here? As humans, we're naturally drawn into value. And when we see value, we invest in it. It's very simple, you know, Like, I look at this and it's. It's. It's got nothing to do with physiology, but it's a very good example. Like my. If my wife blew out and became 280 kilos and could do fucking and was just stuck on the couch and literally couldn't even move, like there's people out there in the world. I know that's extreme, but I'm painting some contrast here for you. If she's doing that, I'd be like, man, how the fuck could I. Like, how could I value that doesn't mean I don't love my wife, but I'm like, man, how could I value or respect that? If you can't even value or respect yourself to the point where you're immobile, you can't even move. You've got doctors seeing you every single day, and you're about to die, and you just. You're here literally, you know, five, six hundred pounds, and you can't even. Your life is done. How could I value that? I know that may sound harsh to some, but it probably doesn't as much because I've painted an extreme contrast. But when you dial that in very, very finely, we're always measuring value. It doesn't mean we're judging, but we're always measuring Value as humans. Every single day. Every single day, you know, And I see that, like, with the podcast, what we do, I can see the value in the way it being measured, the consistency of it being measured. Last week was amazing. Had a short breakaway. My family only got one podcast in. What do I see? I see the value drop. And the value for me was perceived by how many downloads we have and how many guys are tuning in, listening, which obviously means we've got an amazing audience that is continually staying up to date and going, okay, what's the next one out? What's the next one out? What's the next one out? I need to keep feeding and fueling my mind and taking action. That's awesome. I see that as a positive. And here we are. So if there's a lack of value, perceived or real, there's going to be a lack of investment. So how do we create more value? Well, you feed the organism that is your marriage by giving it not only water, but by giving it food, good nourishment, good time and energy, honey and handsome time. Investing in that to provide a higher level of value. When you invest in something, you're looking to raise the value of it. So whilst there's two to tango, or there's two to this party, which you call marriage, unless you're listening to this in your Amish, you're like, fucking eight wives or something. You know what I used to fantasize about and think it'd be cool, man? Imagine having eight wives, blah, blah, blah. Like, holy shit, could you imagine? Could you imagine, you know, not just the time of the month, but all the hurdles and pitfalls that come with life in general when we're getting, I wouldn't say nagged, but Jesus, in that circumstance, he certainly would be to the nth degree. Not for me. Apologies if there's some Amish men listening to this, but for us, I'm talking about marriage in two. Two, man, and the woman. You got to feed it, man. You got to fuel it. So when we're diving into. Let's hook on into these 10 points, these 10 myths that we need to bust up right now. I'm here to help influence you and to use the voice from all the fathers I've worked with over many, many years to filter into. This isn't about Al, Alex Ranieri, none of that sort of stuff. I'm literally a vessel, the messenger to deliver the commonalities that we see across men, including myself as an individual across the country, and busting these myths up. So your marriage doesn't get busted. That's critical, man. But this is all done on the foundation. Please understand this. This is all done on the foundation or the basis that you're not acting like a fuckwit consistently and you are turning up to try and learn, improve and live and lead with love for yourself, your children and your wife. This is definitely not pointing the finger. Hey, my wife's a narcissist. And it's definitely not pointing at yourself going, hey, I'm just a piece of shit. I can't do anything. It's gone well, I want to be more. I want to and be better out. I want to help those around me improve and be better. I want my wife to be better from me being better. I want to lead by example. So please understand that when we're diving into these 10 points we're about to hook into, it really is done not on the assumption, but done on the foundation that you are a real man in this world and leader, standing up and continually evolving and growing and wanting to be more for yourself and for your wife and your family, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. All of it with your wisdom, your knowledge, improving who you are. You can't just sit on your hands and go, yeah, all these myths, all these points are myths. Now I'm putting my hand out, I can give me, you know, my turn for my wife to give back to me. The law of diminished returns. Just because you keep doing the same thing doesn't mean you're always going to get the same outcome. It might work for a while and then, as you know, whether you call the honeymoon period, whatever you call it, things tend to wane if you do not continuously nurture and improve and develop. Pick any analogy, any example you want, whether it's fruit and veg garden, you know, you need to top up the soil fertilizer, change the soil through cycle through different crops. So you're getting the different, you know, different chemicals. And when I talk about that, you know, you could be growing tomatoes and beans and that the nitric oxide, it offsets each other. All the different things that come with. I mean, I'm not a skilled farmer. We've got farmers in here. I'll bring them on and they can talk about it more. But I have researched and looked into that where you got it, you got a couple good crops where they complement each other and all that sort of. Same thing here. Same thing applies here. All right, let's look on into it. Number 1.1 of 10. Sharing feelings and emotions are a sign of Weakness as a man. Let me just. Obviously you're listening to this. You're more open minded than a lot of the heroes and warriors who throw stones on some of our ads or just in life. They're pointing the finger instead of looking inside themselves. Sharing feelings and emotions are a sign of weakness. As a man, you're here, you're a bit more open to probably a lot of or most men who are just going through the motions. Let me ask you this though. If you feel like sharing feelings and emotions are a sign of weaknesses, man, let me ask you, how strong is your relationship right now? How powerful do you feel? Are you the fucking man right now? Where you can connect with your wife on every level. And you've got this beautiful connection physically and mentally because of how you turn up in sharing who you are and having that transparency and vulnerability. Isn't it funny, the irony of it all? You think it's weak, yet it's created a weak marriage because you're too fucking proud to share your feelings and open up and emotions and not just verbal or vomiting or emotional diarrhea or a punching bag or venting or dumping to the point where it's chronically affecting your wife, but just having the little top ups on the daily, on the weekly where you're connecting, you're opening up to your wife. This is critical, man, because guess who else is watching your children. And if you've got daughters and you're behaving this way, guess what? You're setting a standard for what your daughter should be choosing. And the man that she will one day marry. I'd be very cautious of that if I were you. So when guys look at this and our feelings and emotions are a sign of weakness or they subconsciously build it in or they're too proud, you know, whether it's construction work sites or the burly blokes or the blokes, blokes and the man's men, all this sort of shit. Okay, Have a look inside of your fucking marriage and tell me how well it's going. Oh, it's great, Al. What are you talking about? You know, everything's fucking Mickey Mouse, mate. We're just humming along. Not are you, are you. Have you asked your wife if she's been suppressing her emotions and feelings for years because she's fucking afraid of you because you've gone too much the other way and you're overpowering her? Because that's something I'd be very cautious of as well. You think, you think everything's okay. Till one day you come home and the bags are packed and she's gone, or she's leaving. And then it all comes to the surface. 5, 10, 15 years. I can't do this anymore. I can't handle this anymore. You never talk to me, never open up. I feel like I'm just suffocating in the corner. Can't even make a move, can't say anything. Walking on eggshells. Feelings and emotions are one of the greatest signs of strength a man can ever show. Once it's coupled and backed with the Viking elements to take action and lead from the front at a higher level of energy for the family as well. It goes hand in hand. Not here just to be a fucking panda and sit around and do nothing either and just talk about feelings which become fantasy. You need both. When we're looking at the Viking and the Panda, phenomenal episode, one of our most popular ones that I did a short while ago, bang right, bang on in the middle is the Chief. Think of that. I want you to visualize it. Whether you think of an American Indian or anything, it doesn't matter. You're sitting there. You are the chief. You've got the wisdom and the air about you. To be calm, to be patient, to take in, to absorb, to share, to pass on, to open up. But you are that warrior. You've got the muscle to flex. You've got the skills and the tools. You've got the teeth that you can show when you need to show them. And please take this. I'm not sure how much you guys who aren't members value my word, but, you know, I'm 6 foot, 410 kilos, and there's a good deep rage inside of me that I used to tap into with competitive sports and whatnot. It's great. It was like a switch that I could just flick. I've got that in me. But I'm a very emotionally driven man, compassionate and empathetic, and I love that because I can do that and give you the world. But as soon as you come in and threaten me or my family, it's fucking game on, man. It's a side I definitely don't want to bring out too often at all. No one wins, including myself. So I love that. Being the man and the man that you are with the power that you have, you do have a huge amount of power to wield. But controlling that and having that transparency in who you are to that which is closest to you, it doesn't have to be to the world, but to your Wife. It's your fucking wife, man. Like, you should be open with this stuff. Feelings and emotions are one of the greatest signs of strength. Point two, my wife isn't moving forward the same way I am, or vice versa. Here's the thing. If you get outgrown, your wife will leave you eventually. You know, let's say you might. You're both out of shape and you're drinking alcohol and, you know, you're just moseying on through life and it just feels that way. All of a sudden, she starts going to the gym, getting fitter, healthier, does some sort of detox or diet or whatever, and that kicks her into some sort of program. Then she dives into some coaching program. And all of a sud, you know, she's fitter and reading books, not watching TV as much, doing more things with a kid. I'm telling you, man, you will get left behind. But unfortunately, the myth on this is my wife isn't moving forward the same way I am. There's some sort of expectation that the path needs to be walked the same. Same with your wife now with all of these. Yes, there is a point where it will become truth. Like I said, if you. Not if you eventually share your feelings and emotions, that sort of stuff. When your wife's about to divorce you and it's already done, everything's happening, you just. Big blubbery mess. Too late. Too late, man. So all of these myths, they will become truths if you harbor and continually fester and manifest them into your reality at a point where it's too late or just becomes a chronic point where you're left in despair. So when your wife's outgrowing you, she may give you a period of time to grow with her, but then that will go. Same with you, man. Like, if you're improving, you're listening to this podcast, you're developing good habits in your life, you're changing, you're moving forward. And she may be just holding on to a little bit of baggage or the past or. You got to look at it this way. And I shared this with our fathers in our coaching session last night. It was an amazing session. Imagine you're going to the airport and you're going to go on a trip together, and you're walking through the airport in the terminal, and you carry your bags a different way than she does. You might have bigger legs, you might have less baggage or less luggage. You've left one or two behind. It doesn't matter. But she's a hoarder. She wants to hold on to a few more so you can run to the terminal, to the gate, move on, check on, check in. Okay, I'm good to go. And she's like dragging it inefficient way along the floor. Your, your baggage or your luggage has wheels, so you're moving at lightning speed. Or you're logical like a man. You're literal. She's lateral, so you don't hold on to things as much and you keep moving forward at a faster pace. She doesn't. She needs to stop and ponder. She needs to feel it's right. The environment needs to be right. They're so much more complex than us, but the simplicity in how we connect to them is making sure we own our own shit and then not put that on top of others. It's hard, man. Like, you can build expectations and standards together with actions, but you can't continually force expectations of outcomes, of outcomes onto others. That becomes assumptions. You assume an outcome and then you assume the actions outcome. All of a sudden you're just in fucking fantasy land because you don't know what's going on. You're frustrated, confused. The point is, if you're improving your life and looking to make a change this year, next year, there's no time like the present, right? Life is temporary. But if you're looking to make a change and your wife's hesitant or not moving forward the same pace, the same rate, the same way that you are, be patient, man. Like, if you love her and she loves you, no worries. You stay in your lane, focus on you, stay in your zone, build your own zone, have a bit of an overlap from your zone of what you're doing that might influence her. I can't tell you enough. When we get these fathers turning around healthy habits inside of physical and mental health, and when all of a sudden their wives start to listen to some of these podcasts or they start to adopt some of the similar nutritional traits. Maybe not with a regime because it's personalized for the man and his natural testosterone and looking after his thyroid and hormonal health, but absolutely, yes, they'll eat more whole foods instead of snacking on shit. Making the call. Oh, that's it. I've just outgrown my wife. She's not moving forward the same way. That is going to lead to absolutely busting up your marriage when ultimately you can just keep owning your shit, doing what you're doing, and maybe looking back and going, hey, I've got a big list of shit that I moved through for 10 years. And she put up with it. So maybe I should be a little bit more patient. I've got a crazy level of ambition in my life. My wife isn't going to grow the same way I grow. It doesn't mean she isn't growing. She's got her own path, her own thing that she's going to be growing with. If we can connect that together, fantastic. If we're aligned with the way that we're both growing as individuals and as a married couple, fantastic. Look, you don't have to create some sort of global movement and have RDM ranches and all this sort of stuff just to be a sign of growth and fulfillment and contribution to the world. This is the path that found me and here we are. That doesn't mean I'm like, oh, Corinne, if you're not doing this, this and this, man, you're outdated. I need to move on. I need to find a high powered businesswoman who's got the same fucking thing with high performance mother. That doesn't work that way. In fact, it'd probably be chaotic. I'd say we complement each other well where I'm steady and she's diving into the chaos, whether it's family life and the kids and vice versa. Point three, taking the nitpicking and negativity from your wife personally, here's the craziest thing, man. Like, your wife will constantly challenge you, whether she's aware of it or not. This is like the primal days where she needs to know that you are the mate that she wants to procreate with. Yes, you might have already had your kids, yes, you might not have any more, but this is primarily embedded into our DNA. Just like when I went to get a vasectomy. That was the weirdest thing ever, man. Like was very straightforward and easy, it really was. But there was just this primal part of me. It's just like. And look, I'm not here saying I want to fuck a million women and have 5 million sons to go into war. I'm not saying that. I love my family. I'm done. We've got our three kids, that's it. I'm happy with that. And I was blessed and happy with one. But ultimately there was just this innate part of me that just was like, I can't procreate anymore. It was just the weirdest feeling. It was just part of my DNA. I obviously got over that and it's never come back since. I'm fine. But it was really strange and hard. But. But they have the same thing Inside them. So if you're doing, like I said, the right things, turning up, leading the household, the family, and I know that's hard when I say the right things because it's subjective and objective for every single man in his household. But if you keep turning up and moving through your life consistently as a father, consistently as a man, consistently as a provider, consistently as a husband, and she's nitpicking and trying to use your punching bag and being negative and just taking little shots and whatnot, she's testing you, man. One, she's testing you. And two, you've got a list full of shit that's made you fucked up, just like I've got a list full of shit that's made me fucked up. And we've all got lists that are shown how messy the world is and how messy our lives are. They are. Children are born into the world. Perfect. And whether we impose or dump our baggage onto them or not, the environment in the world doesn't shape a jaded nature per se, but certainly shapes some rough edges of life experience and what we go through. She's got the same list, man. Might be different words, but she's got the same piece of paper and it's got a nice long list of all the things inside of her life that you might not even be aware of. In some of the psychology she's pushed inside of herself, the conditioning, the social media that pushes different standards and boundaries onto women with yeses and no's on who they should be, what they should do, how they should look, how they should act and behave. Men and women have it rough. Like, we have it tough. Men have it very tough in very unique ways and so do women. You can't take this personally. Like, if you're standing up, doing what you said you were doing, providing for the family emotionally, physically, and connecting with them financially, if that's your role, amazing. You can't take it personally. It's got nothing to do with you. You're just the close. You're the close point of contact for her, being her husband, which means at times you're going to be the catalyst. I'm not approving to be the punching bag. I'm not saying that she should just hold it over you and you just put up with it. Not at all. But if there's a short passage of time where you're just more empathetic and opening up and going, hey, look, I can't put up with this. I'm going to go into the other room, I'm going To go for a drive. There's obviously something going on. You need to let off some steam. What are you doing for yourself? What are you doing for your environment? Are there other people you connect to? Look, I'm not saying you should say to your wife, you need to go see a counselor if shit hits the fan and she blows a stack. What I'm saying is when there's little nitpicks and dog shots and other things, that's generally a reflection of her internal drivers that leads to a level of unsatisfaction or dissatisfaction inside of a life. Is it that you don't put the undies in the basket? Maybe there's a couple of things you can fix up there in the laundry. Don't just fling them off and take them down and launch your foot and just wherever they land, they land. Maybe there's a couple of key things there, but when you get clarity and communicate with her what the key things are that have led to it. Beautiful. Square that away. Okay, I've done this. Now what next? Okay, you're still behaving this way. Why is this. Are you stressed out? Is it the time of year? What do you need to do? You can start to actually take it as a call for help, not necessarily a lashing out or an attack to go. All right, look, this has nothing to do with me. And I've done this with my wife before. Like, Corinne's been irritated, time of the month or not. Like, there's always. There can always be something. I'm not going to say there's always something, but there can always be something if you allow it to manifest. And when that's happened, I've just been like, look, I'm not sure what's going on. Do you need to go for a walk? Do you want to do some training? I'll take the kids for the next few hours. Do you want me to change up my day, my schedule, so you can have some time out for you? What does this look like for you? What? Why are you behaving this way? Okay, there's things you're not happy with about what I'm doing in the structure of the house. No worries. Let me write a list. Let me screw down some facts here. And you're not screwing down your wife to the nth degree, but let me. Let me dial in some facts. Beautiful. I'm just going to write this down. All right, Hannah, Minute. Yep. I'm going to write that, that, that. Cool. I'm going to look after all that if and when I do this. Are we good? Are we sorted? Is everything okay? No. So when I do this and follow through these little triggers and these little things, you keep nitpicking on me because I don't want to take this as well. I'm not your punching bag. These will all be squared away and you won't do this anymore. Fantastic. Awesome deal, right? I'm telling you, man, as soon as they try and make this either robotic or some sort of trade which takes away the feelings, you need to strip straight back to the truth and go, look, feelings and facts are important, but I'm not going to sit here and copy your feelings if we can't design a set of facts to be true, that will adjust the feelings that I'm getting from you right now because it's not a great energy. It can work. It does work. I'm telling you, man. And when the wife puts up the roadblock. No, no, no. I'm not doing this. This is not what it's about. I'm not your business or I'm not your accounting system or something just to dot I's and cross t. No, no, no. That's just a story. I'm not saying we need to be this way. We're very far to the left right now with our feelings. We don't need to come very far to the right with the facts. Find the middle then. You're leading, you're influencing, or you're just giving time and understanding. You can't take it personally, man, because even though it might be your actions that could trigger her, it essentially is a human being has nothing to do with you and who you are. It's just your actions or it's her internal environment or both.4. My wife and I don't have time for each other anymore since kids and life got in the way. This is a fascinating one. You know, at the moment, I probably have 21 hours a day because of the kids, putting them to sleep very hard. We wake up an hour and a half to two hours every night. I basically lose about three hours a day. So whilst I have 24 hours, three hours goes into what's very low level productivity. If you look at us as being productive men going out and looking to produce and get results in life. You know, Lillian could go to sleep in five minutes or she could go to sleep in 50 minutes. So unfortunately, it's 50 to 90 minutes every night. So when I look at that, it's not a waste of time. It's a process where I'm investing In nurturing my child. But essentially, yeah, look, if I'm going to square away the things I need to in my life, I've got 21 hours a day. None of us have time. Why? Because you just fucking give it away, mate. That's the problem. My wife and I don't have time for each other. More. Yeah, you might have less then when you're young, no responsibilities, no duties, no children, you might have less time. You can still create time, though. Have a look and go to the settings of your phone and show me how much you fucking look at your screen and show me that screen time every day. Like, I run an online business and my screen time still isn't that much. My wife and I don't have time for each other. Of course you don't have any more time. Why? Because you give it all away. It's the most valuable asset, man. Money. You use time to get money. Time coupled with energy equals your money. Time coupled with energy equals your experiences in life. You don't have any time because you're a yes man, either at work or in other areas, or you're a yes man to the phone or yes man to your mates. And all of a sudden you don't have any boundaries in place, which means you don't create any time and level of importance subconsciously and actively. To be fair for your wife, when you're saying yes to all of those other things, you're saying no to time with her and vice versa. So if I'm sitting there, I want honey and handsome time with my wife. She's got a phone. I'm like, hey, you're gonna fucking play on your phone? Or are we gonna have some time together here? And sometimes I'm blunt, other times I'm not that blunt. A lot of the times I'm not that blunt. But if it's a repeatable pattern, hey, come on, this is our time now. My phone's in the garage. I'm not, you know, I'm here. Let's hang out. Let's have some honey and handsome time. Like I said, this goes both ways. But the point of this podcast and every episode is not just for the wives or the women to listen to this. If you want to share it with them, it's for you to control what you can control and bring your piece, your piece of pie to the table and go, no. Well, this is what I'm going to do about it. And now I can hopefully influence you to create the changes as well. When you share what you've Done and doing what you said you would do with your wife saying you don't have time for each other. Look, life can become very chaotic and crazy. This is where communication is an underlying factor for all of this. Set deadlines. Look, it's Christmas. I've got some crazy deadlines to push. We've got to do this. But this is where we're going now. This is what's next. You might own your mistakes, you might own the circumstances, but paint the future, man. When you paint that future, you're continuously. Life is selling. Life is sales and negotiating and trades. You're selling your wife on. Hey, I'm not as much here now, but here's what I'm going to be. But you need to back that up, man. You need to follow through. And it can't be years. You can't. You can't go through 20 years of your marriage and just flog yourself to death with work and all of a sudden, okay, cool. 20 years. I'm here now. Let's just spend the next five years in each other's company, 24 hours a day. It will not work. It doesn't work that way. It can't. It'll break down. You won't even be able to handle it. She won't be able to handle it. Little strokes, man. Like painting. Like a paintbrush. Little strokes. You know, Better accuracy, better effect, better performance. Could be once a week, could be once a month. We don't have everyone to look after the kids at the moment, so. Honey and handsome, time doesn't involve going out on our own. Going out on the town and having a great time. Even once a month. Paint that picture. Okay, on the 7th of January. This is what we're going to be doing. This is a special date that I've got planned for you. I've got a bit of a mystery here. There's a couple of things I'm going to be doing. Create some curiosity. Really develop that hunger and thirst and desire for the value you're going to bring into her life in feeling significant, feeling appreciated, feeling wanted. Because guess what? You'll get all of that as well. You must create time for each other. My wife and I don't have time for each other anymore. No, that's bullshit. That's a myth. Like I said, it can become a reality. All of these can. All of these can become your truth if you chronically allow it. Which means your marriage will be busted. Point 5. I need to keep working and providing for the family to create security and lifestyle. This one Cracks me up, man. Like, is that what they ask for? Is that what your children, if you go to your children and ask them, I want you to do this, kids, what kind of dad or what kind of daddy do you want? Depending on the age of your children, what kind of father do you want? What kind of dad do you want me to be? What kind of dad do you want me to be for you? Because you make an assumption as a man in what's conditioned in your head and in mind. Since we're born from a very young age, that we're the provider. We need to at least put food on the table, whether you're making money or whether you're a stay at home dad. Like, this is what we need to do and we just need to create this security and lifestyle where you're constantly doing things without actually asking if that's what someone wants. When you're tying that into something for them, they benefit. Of course your family benefits. Of course you're creating more security and lifestyle for them. But are you creating stability? If you're looking at family, self and service, yes. Service is connected to you and you are connected to family. So you can't just have a separator of, nah, this is work and this is home life. I get that in a symbolic sense. I get that when you want to leave your phone in the car and spend time with your family. But essentially your work is connected to your family through you. So you need to be very cautious of this. Because if you're just giving everything to your work, then you have nothing. Then it's almost like, think of it like the three circles, your ones at the top, but they all overlap. You're sucking the life of time and energy out of family and out of yourself. And then service becomes this big fucking bubble and then family and self are tiny and it's like a big leech, man. It's just sucking the life out of you, yet you just keep doing it and then you justify it. I'm doing this for us. I'm doing this for you, for the family, for. But what'd your wife say when you said that to her? I didn't fucking ask for this. I need a husband to be home, to look after the family. I need a husband to be listening to me and helping me with all I need. I need a husband to be there for the children. So it's really hard because they'll take it, right? They'll take the boat, they'll take the holidays, they'll take the dream home and all that sort of stuff. And you feel like you've got the short end of the stick because you've given all of this and they have taken it, but also, you got to be cautious of that man. Have they taken it by choice? Are they taking it because they're not skilled up? They're not aware? Maybe they don't have the knowledge of understanding what the golden handcuffs are that they've bought into. Right. Maybe they haven't known the price. And then it comes. And the price comes in a huge wave of emotion in your mid-40s when the breakdowns all start to happen, it's like, fuck, this isn't this nice home, this boat, this holiday, this holiday house. None of this has changed. The core problem here, I feel disconnected. Where is my husband? The kids are fucking driving me crazy. I don't even know who I am anymore. Yet you'll sit back and go, I'm doing this for us. One of the greatest changes in my relationship that really helped it start to repair. Took a long time, but really repair and then hit the next level, essentially. So hit the next level in 2019, after Lillian and second one was born, was when my wife and I were having a heated discussion. And I said that to her. And it was when I still had the gym. I was trying to sell the gym, but it was before I told her I was going to sell the gym, but I was making the pathway to move out of that and obviously go all in on what we're doing here now. I said, I'm doing this for us. And I had to travel an hour each day for work. And she just had. She had. Lillian was a few months old, so she was going through that tough times for her as well, obviously. And she said, I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for you to run a gym. I didn't even feel connected to the gym. I didn't ask you to do an online thing for dads and all this sort of stuff. And it really hit me. And I sat there and I was like, that's very interesting. Am I doing this for the family? Well, the byproduct is a family gets what it needs financially supported, which equals living lifestyle, food, water, utilities, obviously, all the above. Then I sat there and I was like. And it's when I had the revelation for this is an absolute. And I've said this in a previous podcast, everything you do in this world, you do for yourself. If you can do it for yourself, which has a great ripple effect to others, that's great. That's a bigger win. That's a better level of leadership. And I sat there and I was like, well, RDM's for me. I'm doing this for me. And the next time when things sort of got a little bit. When are you going to be home? Okay, I've got to do this, I got to do that. I said, hey, hey, look, I'm willing to give you this and give you this time and do this, this and this. Let's create some time where I can help with the kids, I can spend time with you. I said, but I need you to know something. This is for me. RDM's for me. Now, look, I'm going to sell the gym. I'm going to get out. I don't want that anymore. I can see how that's affecting us, but I need to do this for me so that I can set the family up. Because I've got a set of eyes that you don't have right now in what I'm doing with business and with serving people. But also, this is my promise to you. The gym will be gone. I'll be moving forward into the online format. I'm going to be close to home. I'll get an office. It's only 15 minutes away. I will do some work at home. So there's a carryover and an overlap where we're saving time and travel, getting flexibility in our work. But I need you to know this. There's times when I need to jump in my pod and just fucking fly, and I need to do it. I need to knuckle down and I need to work and I'm doing this for me. I can't tell you how much it was almost like a light bulb, like it just changed. Where's the argument? What about us? Well, yeah, don't worry about you. I told you, I'm going to be doing this, this and this, and it's going to be helping you. But in terms of my work, this is for me. I need to do this. Just like if you want to go back and you want to do your teaching and working and you want to put the kids in daycare one to two days a week, no worries. I'll have the children one day of the week. If you want to work three, no worries. Let's work as a fucking team here. But essentially, please know this. When I'm in the grind, when I'm up at 2, 3 o' clock in the morning, I'm building out our master course and doing those extra things, I'm not doing this for you. The byproduct is you will benefit, yes, but this is for me. This is my cup that needs to be filled. And I'm going to make sure that I do it properly so that it doesn't come from pouring from the cup of self and family where you're going to lose. And I own that. When you do that, mate, things will change. So cut the bullshit, cut the story you tell yourself that says, I just need to keep working for the family. And you're doing it for them. You're doing it for yourself. To give you the significance and fulfillment so you can stand up and sit at the throne and go, I've given my family everything. You got to navigate that very carefully, man, because you might get to a stage where you've given them everything, but guess what? You'll end up with nothing because it wasn't what they asked for. And it's come at the cost of not giving them anything personally and connecting to them. Point 6. I'm sick of being shut down for sex. I'll stop trying until she comes to me. I've fallen into this pit, man. I'm sure you have as well. Just stop trying. Like, it's crazy how we've survived evolution. Like the amount of rejections and knockbacks we get as a man, not just when it comes to the bedroom, but in all other areas of life. It's crazy, man. You just got to keep turning up like it's. I'm sorry. If you're looking for some sort of miracle here, like, if you look at those first five points, if you apply them, well, that's gonna fucking tenfold your chances of getting sex more than just lighting some candles or buying you some flowers and chocolates. Fucking 10x, mate. Because this is life. It's not just a material thing. You're not just washing your hands and dissolving responsibility of foreplay or connecting with your wife with some physical goods or tangible items like a ring or earrings or jewelry. You're actually connecting to your wife by continually turning up and investing. But here's the key thing. When you're being shut down for sex, sex is really the byproduct of your relationship. It's the end game. It's the end point of feeling connected. Desire. There's different love languages. Yes, there's different sexual languages. Whether it's high energy, whether it's kinky, whether it's power and feeling that power as a man. There's two or three others. And look, I'll dive into it in another episode. But it really is almost like combining your love language with combining your sexual score or, you know, your sex language or your in the bedroom language. When you put these two together, man, it's game over. Like, you don't need to think, oh, yep, should be right, we're in the bed, it's nighttime, the kids are asleep, let's go. You and I both know that for us, for men, it's actually not the most important thing. Whilst we can up and up and ready pretty quickly, it's actually not the most important thing. We just want to be wanted. We want to feel needed. But for us, the way that we connect to become one with our queen, that's, that's absolutely a way that we feel appreciated, desired, connected to her. It's different for women. They may not completely understand that because they're a woman, but they also like us in different ways and different needs. Want to have, you know, the sensory. So sensual is another one. Or sensual, whichever way you say it is another one for them. They want to feel sensual. Well, that could be environment, that could be something like acts of service, cleaning up, organizing dinner, Giving her more energy, man. Like what are you doing to give her more energy so she can give you the energy of doing the deed together. And that's the end game, that's the byproduct. But if you stop until she comes, guess what you're doing? You are suppressing yourself. You're putting walls up. You are literally putting out an energetic frequency, a vibration, a wavelength. They're very intuitive creatures, man. You are too, of course you are. But when you put that out, she will distance even more. And yes, you might get a win. You might get a run up on the board at the two month or three month mark where everything aligns and they're just hormonal and they're ready and they fucking and you jump in the sack. But is that really, is that really great? Like, is that worth it? Is that the win? You've waited three, four, six, eight months till she's finally caved in. And yes, I got the win on the board. What for some sort of ego play that you, she came to you instead of you coming to her. It's got nothing to do with that. It's continual agreements, it's foreplay with little slipping in suggestions. And not suggestions around sex, but just something that could be sexual. Like I said with the, with the sex languages. I'll do that in another episode. So when you're diving into this stuff, all of a sudden you're speaking her language, man, you're on her wavelength. But then you're suggesting, you know what I really love? I'd really love if you just, you know, wore these panties to bed. I actually don't really want to have sex with you. So straight away, you can put up, you can put up a point that diffuses her assumption, right? Her assumption and her perspective to go, look, I don't want to have. I actually don't want to have sex tonight, but I just want to. I just want to play around. I could just. I miss cuddling and kissing and fooling around and tickling you and doing all this other sort of whatever gets your rocks off, man. When you do that straight away, you take away the, the pressure and the pressure of having to perform or provide sex for you. And look, I credit to Corinne, man, like having cesareans, all sort of stuff. There's plenty of times where she probably hasn't felt like it, but she's done that for me. And, you know, that's a hard thing for us as men. It's like, well, I want to please you as well. Like, I want you to feel pleased and loved and enjoy it too. But ultimately it's also going, well, what am I doing? That might not be the most pleasing thing for my wife, to potentially put her in the mood or to provide for her. You know, that may not be bedroom relevant. Who knows? So that's something where. It's a myth, man, that will become a reality if you continually wait until she comes to you, like, sack up and know that diminished returns will come at times if you keep doing the same fucking things. You need to keep evolving and innovating and pivoting who you are as a man to provide that tension, that sexual tension and connection in a good way with your wife. Whether it's foreplay, whether it is sex is the end game or not, whether you're teasing, flirting, mystery, curiosity, all the shit that actually to the point where I'm almost a smart ass and shit, stirring it and making it fun and bringing that playfulness back where I do shit stir my wife. And, you know, it's. It's pretty funny to see it. And I do tease her a lot, but it's good because it keeps her guessing, like whether I've got a fat or not. She, she may think that I'm in the mood. I might be like, that's all good. Not tonight. Doesn't have to be. Let's try for next year and I'll just play around with shit like that. Right. Just literally positioning yourself where you're creating that mystery. It's not about just having certainty in. Yeah, right. Yep. He wants sex. Like, actually, I don't know. I don't know when, you know, I don't know when he's going to want it. And the way, the way he's positioned himself is all this for like, this is what's going through head. I'm telling you, man, she sees high value in you because she's like, well, he doesn't need me to give it to him. It's like I said before, when you chase, you push away. Why keep pushing your wife away? If you hold that steel in a way where it's playful, it's like, oh, yeah, look, I'd love to. Love to connect with you. And, you know, why don't we have a sixth child, the road to 10, right? You can do all that sort of stuff and playful without putting the walls up and saying, I'm going to stop till she comes to me. Then all of a sudden, instead of the 90 10, and realistically, let's be really, it probably becomes like a 70, 30, but that's a win. Yeah, maybe 60, 40, maybe 50. 50. Some days, maybe they just go crazy, the fucking planets align and it becomes a 9010 the other way. Who knows? But essentially, man, this is the principle behind you not just shutting off because you have an expectation that you should have sex, because you haven't put the work in or you haven't defined what sexual play and connecting with your wife actually involves and entails. It's a continual process of lots of different moving parts, not just the penis inside of a fucking vagina. I hope that makes sense. Point seven, we both have different views on raising our children, which causes arguments. Look, it causes arguments because you allow it to. If I had my way, we wouldn't have a TV in the house. The children wouldn't even know what technology is until they're at an appropriate age. This is the crazy part, right? In Silicon Valley, there are four schools inside Silicon Valley, which is where all the tech heads are, all the guys that bring all the shit that wants to steal your time. Facebook and Metaverse and all this shit that just wants to suck the life out of you, man. They. They want you to fucking be a life consumer where your entire life is in their hands. Like, it's pretty scary. It's pretty crazy. Yeah, there's that Netflix movie called the Social Dilemma, but I mean, that's almost like gaslighting us, right? It really is. It's like, well, here's. Here's something we're going to put on, something that's taking your time away. Netflix. Let's use Netflix to pull you into knowing how much we're fucking you in the ass and we're showing you, and maybe 1% of you will do something about it. The rest of you will be like, oh, that's crazy. And then you do nothing. There are four schools that don't have any technology at all in Silicon Valley. So all these tech heads that create all this wizardry that you're buying into and immersing yourself into giving your time and energy into and your children's time, time and energy into. They don't even use it themselves. They don't even consume or use it themselves. Like, what is that telling you? So getting back to the point of differing views on raising your children, if I had my way, the kids wouldn't be anywhere near that shit. No fucking way. Even. Even a lot of the Disney stuff, like, I get it, but also, it's painting a subconscious picture that your daughter has to be a princess, and if she isn't, she's not enough. Fuck that, man. Like I tell my two girls every single day, you are way fucking better than Cinderella. You are way better than Moana. You'll sail a boat way better than she ever will or can. Don't worry about all these other Disney princesses. You are the princess. You are better than them, because guess what? They're make believe. They're not real. And you are. And I am continually hammering that home, man, because I know subconsciously what that shit is doing to children. It's not that I'm against it. I've watched movies with them. I've gone into that with them. But this is my point. If I had everything my way, the household would certainly run a bit differently. But we have a great middle ground where I give and I ask to receive or take. And when you have this, it must be done with both perspectives at hand, and you must work as a team. Which means when I sit down and go, okay, Karine, I don't want the kids to watch tv, but I'm willing to do this. I have leverage to then go, but you know what? This is an area where I don't want them to be having as many lollies, and we need to cut that shit out. And we need to make sure they're having wholesome foods here, here, here, and here. Now, yes, there'll be friction because the ego comes into play and the missus will take it straight away. Your wife will take it straight away as an attack on her as a parent or raising the children. That's what happens. Same with us. It's what happens. Well, no, no, it's got nothing to do with that. It's the actions that we're allowing our children to have in the environment that we're creating. But let's put the shoe on the other foot here, because you're creating leverage. You can't expect me to be happy with the children watching TV and watching movies, blah, blah, blah, and doing that and be a fucking hypocrite. Not. Let me have a little bit of pull and a little bit of leniency here and going, no, no, no, I don't want them to do that. I want them to eat healthier food. Because when you paint that contrast, it inevitably paints the picture that there's double standards in their household. And that's not okay. And this is what I talk about, a real skill set. Look, the reason why I do very well in my marriage isn't because I can talk well. It's because I have a set of eyes of listening. A set of eyes and listening and ear. Really have that awareness and observation to position myself so that we always find the best truth together. And I do it well. Okay, I want to do this. No, let's spin it down. All right, so you think it's okay to do this? Let me just. So I can get clear here. Just so I can get clear here, Corinne, you think it's okay for the kids to watch tv? I'm happy to allow that because I'm a parent. We need to work in this together. I'm happy to allow that, but then I don't have any other pool in it. So you're saying it's okay for me to give up a value or a principle I don't want the children to buy into for you? So I can compromise, but you're not willing to cut. So just so I'm clear here, you don't want to compromise at all, but I need to compromise? Is that what you're saying? So what you're saying is I need to fucking pull my pants down and do whatever the fuck you want, but you're not willing to meet me? Is that okay? Cool. I'm clearing that. All right, Let me ask you a question. If it was the other way around, how would you feel? How would you feel, Corinne, if that was the other way around? Okay, I'm curious. Oh, you wouldn't have a problem with it? All right, no worries. Well, let's do that then. Okay, cool. Look, being sharp, being witty, and being fast, yes, it's a skill set, but it's a skill set and a key thing inside of your marriage. Not to win, not to get runs on the board. It's to, like I said before, continuously promote, sell, or elevate the case that you can have of being a great leader that has a set of eyes that either knows what's best and I've got to be cautious around that term, knows what the best possibilities are, or knows what the best opportunities are. All this, like I said, man, is under the foundation that you are showing that every day and being a good leader. Otherwise, you've got no leverage. You've got no fucking runs on the board. Why would she listen to you? You're not turning up. You're not sharing feelings and emotions. You're not moving forward in your own unique way, but the same way together. You're taking the nitpicking personally. And you're constantly triggered. You're not making time for your wife and yourself. You keep working and trying to provide for the family. You keep pulling away when you try and go for some sex and it doesn't happen, which means you're distant. And then you have arguments like, can you see all these points here, man? If you don't have these squared away, you don't have leverage, you don't have pull, you don't have money in the bank or runs on the board to go, no, no, no, hang on a minute. And that's hard because you need a passage of time to build this up. And I can do this. But you got to be cautious, too. Like, I don't use the power I've wielded over the leadership in doing what I said I would do and showing that history with my wife to go, hey, this is what we're fucking doing now. I can. But you got to be cautious of that, man. That would be like taking a complete with like. That would be like, I've just deposited everything over years. I'm doing a full withdrawal out of the emotional bank. I can do that. The risk versus reward isn't there, so it's a massaging process, but it doesn't lead to arguments because it leads to arguments in having different views, at least arguments, because you haven't sat down and created the right connection on who it is that you want to be. As parents. Remember the three main roles that you play. Individuals, intimate couples, and lovers. Because that energy carries through to the children. Whether they're there or not. How you carry yourself every day and as parents. So you need to be on the same team but having different views. Yeah, I have different views with my wife. We have different views over many things, but then we find alignment too. Okay, cool. We've got different views around technology and food, but what do we think they should have? So let's find. And that's how you build some leverage too. And you can start influencing it. What's something we do have together? What's something we love doing for the children together? What's a value we know that we're both on the same page with that the children should have in their life. Outdoors, exercise, sunlight. Fantastic. Well, let's bring that into our family. Let's bring that into the family diary or calendar. Let's put it up on the wall. All right. What are three great experiences we're going to do this week? And then you start to build in things together, which means you start focusing, saying yes to that. And when you start doing that, it brings her walls down. So it's not so much an ego driven thing where you're like, hey, let's go out together and then we can go down to the local fish market. We'll go to the beach and have a session there and go get some nice grilled fish for the kids. You know what, it's been great. I've been happy to prepare the lunches for the kids this week with school, but, you know, why don't we go down, we'll grab an ice cream because I know you always loved having ice cream as a kid and you like it as something that's a great treat for the kids in summer. Hey, I found this amazing new ice cream and I think it'd be great for them just to try and you know, like, this is how you really build in that influence and really that support. But it's got to be done, man. When you're in a stronger position in yourself first, not just through those other points, which are myths that we've busted, but through who you are and how you turn up as a man, having different views on raising your children is okay. You'll have different views in some areas and alignment in others. But you can't let it lead to arguments because you can't keep your shit together. And you're constantly triggered and you have no power and you have no control because that's on you. That's because you haven't done that inside yourself first for you. We're getting there. Men. What A session. Holy shit. It's been a big one. Three to go. Point 8. I'm too tired and don't have the tools or knowledge on how to connect with my wife. Yes, you do. This podcast is amazing source for you. There are books out there, there are lots of different things. There's the love languages. It's not the tools or knowledge, it's the resourcefulness to find what is that you need. And hopefully this podcast is serving you very well and providing that platform for you. Maybe at the start of the episode I should have said bring a pen and paper, but essentially this is here forever. You can listen to it again. You're too tired because like I said before, you're flaking on yourself. You're creating an excuse on yourself, which means when you're doing everything for everyone else, you're taking away the element of exposure to organizing your own shit and who you are. Which means you can wash your hands, you can be unhealthy, unfit, lethargic, run down, running on stimulants, drugs and alcohol. Like, I look at being an alcoholic, right? When you look at the definition of an alcoholic, and there's probably a few different, but alcoholism, you know, continued excessive or compulsive use of alcoholic drinks, a chronic progressive, you know, it can even be seen as a disorder. And then when I look at compulsive. Okay, well, compulsive is irresistibly interesting or exciting or compelling. So you might only have five drinks on Friday nights to let the hair down. But if you do that every week in a compulsive manner like. Compulsive manner, where it's something that is compelling or relied upon or an irresistible urge, you're a fucking alcoholic, mate. Don't justify it because Bill down the road has drinks every fucking night, or James has 10 on the weekend and you only have five, look inside yourself and ask yourself, is this giving me the life that I want? By sedating and distracting and escaping? You're too tired because you're not investing in yourself. Your morning and night routines are shot to shit. You know what the beauty is? When you take a bad habit away, you've got room to add a good one in. It is literally a double whammy, man. You can 2X. You can 2X your life right away in a certain area. And if you do that in family, self and service. Three habits, you've taken three shit ones, you've brought in three good ones. And yes, there's a passage of time, but sometimes, like cold turkey, it can Happen quicker than you think. 13 or 188 days to build a new habit. Why? Because of your belief systems, your identity and your environment. That's why there's such a big range. You don't have to wait half a fucking year to bring a habit in. That's ridiculous. Get the energy up. Give back to yourself. Get your energy up. Organize your time again. And with those two assets, be resourceful and develop those first seven points we've just shared in turning up as a better man for yourself, which then becomes a better man for your wife. That's how you'll connect with her right away. Tools, knowledge, resources. Of course, dive into this podcast, look up different ebooks, audiobooks. We've got a few. We have our own audiobook account and the members on the inside get access to it. It's awesome. Lots of different ones around relationship and marriages and you know, connection. It's fantastic. That's an excuse and a cop out. Again, it'll become the truth and it will bust up your marriage. Point nine, she doesn't appreciate me. I don't know what she wants. This is almost because of all the other points, man. One is because you don't ask. Like ask and give and then ask to receive. Very simple, like 1, 2, 3, 4. Just like love languages. Do the test, get her to do the test, ask her what she wants from her test results, ask her to start giving from your test results and then you'll find appreciation. It's not that you're doing the wrong things that she doesn't appreciate you. It's because there's a lack of connection, because you're not drawing into each other to focus and say yes on the right things. Because you may love her and you might be hot and heavy for her and find her attractive and think she's an amazing mum, all that sort of stuff. But if you're not appreciating her with her languages in her way, there's a big overlap. You don't need to completely morph or become a chameleon for her. But if you don't appreciate her in specific ways and you don't know what appreciation you need, then you're both going to lose. Like I don't want my wife to appreciate me because I do 12 or 14 hour days of work like you should appreciate me. Cringe because I'm busting my ass to make more money for the femme. No, no, I don't want that. Appreciation to me is the amazing father I am and taking them off her hands. So she can have time for herself and she comes up. Thank you so much. I really need to go for that walk. I love going for that training session. Like, appreciation is actually me doing things specifically and uniquely for her and her neck needs and playing a part in that and playing that part in that for her, where it's influenced and provided the opportunity for her to live and do what she wants and desires. That's how you get appreciation, man. Not through what you're just doing. That might have a bit of a ripple effect to the family with a roof over the head or food on the table. Like, it's, no, no, this is how you do it. And when you do it that way and it doesn't come at the cost of yourself because it's effective and efficient. And you're not going in blind because you've just gone in and you've asked the right questions and you've gone to seek what is they need. Your efforts aren't going on like they're not unwavering efforts anymore. They are connected to you and connected to your relationship. And you're showing that, which means you'll absolutely get appreciated. Final point number 10, I keep living in the past and can't move on. And you know what she does too alone, like everything. You can influence her to try and move on from that. But for yourself. The only time the past should rear its big fucking ugly head, mate, is to give you a lesson and help you learn. That's has zero value. There is no other value, no other value at all. I mean, you could use it in a perception of value. That what that's prepping me for when history repeats itself. So the same thing happens. I know what to explore. That's great because guess what'll happen when you keep fucking thinking about that, mate? History will repeat itself. So you should be very happy when whatever caused a breakdown in the past breaks you down again. You should be very happy because that's exactly what you wanted. Oh, you're not so happy. That doesn't make sense to me. Because that's exactly what you wanted. The past should only bring something. It's what you chose as well. The past should only bring through lessons and learnings and remembrance of how to continually improve. So if you keep living in the past and you can't move on, it's exactly what will happen, man. You might have hurt her, she might have hurt you. Life is messy. But you're here and now and you're moving into the future very quickly. With future here and nows, you need to ask yourself the question, man. Instead of just accepting or making statements, ask the question. Well, where is this? Where is this getting me? How is this helping me? Yeah, I might have emotional triggers and ties. That's okay. I've got this anxiety and this feeling in my chest. It will pass in time. I can breathe. What can I do about it? What can I focus on? What can I create instead of just reacting? What am I creating? Like reacting and creating is the same word. You just shift the letters around. Reacting. Take the C out from before the T, put it at the start, make it a big C, make the R a bit less. And you are creating. You're no longer reacting. You're the fucking boss, you're the man. You are moving forward now. So when you do this the right way, you can start to influence her as well. Telling you like you can't. You can't live in the past, man. It just buries everyone. It buries no one. No one who lives in the past survives. No one. You are already dead. Isn't it funny the irony of it too? If you live in the past, you will not survive. You can't because the past is dead. Which means you are too. How to help your wife when this happens? Well, it's communicating that. Look, I'm not the 13 year old fat boy anymore that I used to be. So not anymore. But on rare occasion when I get friends, seeing obviously what we're doing, the success we're having, how we're helping fathers, I'll always remember, he was that little fat boy in high school. Yeah, cool. I don't know what fucking delusion, the delusional reality that you're going to be living in in the past. But I'm actually living here and now in the future. So I'm happy for you if you want to keep that version of me inside of your fucking head, you know, of nearly 30 odd years ago, that's cool, you can do that. But I'm here and now, living who I am and who I want to be. That's fucking good for you. And I squash that shit right away because that's not me. And my reality of who I am, no way Similar, but in a more nurturing way for your wife. But there must be deadlines. They're powerful things, man. Okay, this happened, that happened, we broke down. No worries. Let's go all in. Let's go back all in again on each other, on ourselves. You know what? I can't keep living with you bringing this shit to the surface. Because every Time you do, it triggers us. We go backwards. We say yes to the bullshit of the past, which means we say no to the future and the love and the life we can have together. I can't keep doing this. So what I'm going to do. Because you're going to take time. Just like point two, my wife isn't moving forward the same way. You may take time. Maybe you should see someone. Maybe you should see some new friends, new networking, new groups. Give back to yourself. Focus on yourself. Build and evolve and grow in who you are. Maybe there are a few different things you can do. Maybe all of those things. I love you, and I want you to work on yourself as well. I want you to live life and be happy. I'm going to improve and grow and live my life and be happy so I can bring more to the table as your husband. But I can't keep doing this. So this is what we're going to do. We've got six months. June 30th is the deadline. We're going to work at this. We're going to see where we're at, and we're going to continually build and grow and evolve. But if that time. You keep bringing that shit up, I can't be here anymore. I can't keep moving forward. The reason why I can articulate that so well was because that's the exact conversation I had with my wife. It was heavy shit, man, back in 2016 and 2017. And for me, I was ready to move on and move forward and just little. Little bits, little. Little dog shots would creep up and they come in and. It's not her fault. It's not on her, man. It's just a. It's just like. It's like the nitpicking. It's like all these different ways they test us when you slip back in that thing. Ah, he's back. I fucking knew that's who you were. You put on this big facade. You were telling me you were someone else. You're doing this and you do. You did well for a month, but you're fucking back. Back. Here he is. He's the real man. He's the real Alex again. Like, have you had that? I'm sure. I wonder if you've had that as well. Ah, he's back. That's right. Yeah. It's almost like a big. You know, it's like just. The feast has arrived. Your wife's triggered and tempted and pushed you here. There he is. He's. He's. He's the real Character. He's the real man. I knew that. That you're putting up was a facade before. Yep. This. This is who you are. Yeah, that's right. Now I knew it. This is exactly who you are. All that other shit was just pretend. I'm telling you, man, some of you guys are probably laughing. You might. Yeah, man, I fucking had that the other week. Some of you guys might be saying that, yeah, they will test, they'll push. And I slipped up, too. We all slip up. We got triggers like that. They're our wives, man. Like, they. They've got the ability to push the. But they know the buttons to push. They know the buttons to push. So when it kept coming to that stage, I was like, man, this isn't fucking like, what value is that bringing? Okay, thank you for bringing that shit up again. Okay. How's that helping you move forward? How's that helping move what you want? You want familiarity and you want certainty. You want to keep this picture of who I am now in your head because that gives you comfort, that pulls you back into the state of protection because you can then have the right emotions over protecting yourself and pointing the finger, because that's what it is. It's blame and shame. And that's the conversation I had with my wife. And I'll tell you right now, man, it wasn't one. It was at least 10 to 15 times. I can't keep doing this. I will fucking leave. If you keep living in the past, I will fucking leave. I'm not going to put up with this. I will leave. I'm not threatening you. No, no. It's not a threat. I'm promising you. I'm not going to move through the next two years of my life, let alone 22 years of my life, putting up with this when you keep trying to drag who I am back to. To the shit that I was that I accept and own because I owned that then, but I'm here now. I can't keep doing that because you're fucking killing me. You're my wife and I love you, but I can't keep doing this where you're trying to pull me down. I'm trying to fly and spread my wings and be an amazing husband and father again. I own my shit. I own my mistakes and all that bullshit. And I'm not happy and I'm not proud, but I don't regret it if it moves us both forward as man and wife in an amazing way. So how about we focus on that? And look, sometimes it was heavy. Sometimes it was light. Hey, don't bring that up again. Come on. We're moving forward. Sometimes it was five seconds of, let's realign, let's focus on the right things. Because guess what? They're not perfect either. I talk about all this stuff, and I hope you're not taking it the wrong way, that men are filled with shit. We all are. Like I said, we all have lists. They're not perfect either. They've got their triggers, they've got their friends and shit in their ear. And they've all got their environments that can be toxic too, that they dive into because there's history or feelings there. It's very fucking hard work, man. Like dive inside a woman's head for five minutes and you're stuck in this big whirlwind with a shitload going on. This is life. But life is a process. It's not living in the past. I hope this serves you well, man. As we wrap up what's been a crazy year, we can remove the chaos by focusing on what we can do. And that's the power. That's where you can have the most power inside of your life. What can I do? What are my options? What are my choices? The 10 points. Let me just reverse this. These 10 points. Sharing feelings and emotions are a sign of weaknesses in man. Sharing feelings and emotions are one of the greatest strengths a man can hold and one of the greatest levels of leadership you'll ever see in this world with what a man can offer. Point two, my wife isn't moving forward the same way. We've all got different ways that we carry the luggage and baggage we have through life to get through the terminal, through the gate, and board the plane and go to a new destination. Question is, do you want to go to a new destination together or on your own? Be patient, be understanding, and know that you both have your own way of growing. The opportunity is to open up your perceptions and the vessel of life you're living through in your body and mind to find different pathways that will make sure you both. Both get there. Taking the nitpicking and negativity from your wife personally. Don't take it personally. It's got nothing to do with you, man. It could be to do with your actions. If you keep dropping the ball there, okay, fix up the actions like I said. Dial it in, square it away and move forward. And then you realize that it's a call for help. And you can start helping and guiding and nurturing her because your cup is full and you're Solid on the inside.4. My wife and I don't have time for each other anymore. That's bullshit. Make the time. Stop giving your time away. Stop giving it away to everyone. Like you've invested an hour, just over an hour in this podcast. Fucking beautiful, man. Don't keep. Don't keep consuming shit. Take this now. Take some action and get some time back for yourself. And learn to say, healthy nose. I do it. It's not just straight up blunt, but people will reach out all the time wanting stuff from me. I appreciate. This is a project. This is something you want. This is a podcast. You want me to come up. I appreciate all that and it looks like it's amazing. Unfortunately, I can't give it the time and energy that. That it needs and deserves to be honest right now. And I can't for the next three months. Let's catch up next year and we can have a chat then. Healthy nose, man. Create the time for yourself and your wife. I need to keep working and providing for the families. Create security and lifestyle. That's a story because you work well, you're productive, you can perform. You dominate your work, you dominate your area of expertise, which gives you fulfillment and gives you significance. So like a fucking drug and a drug addict, you keep going back to the that instead of even asking the question, is this what they want? And am I actually doing this for them or am I doing this for me? Because I'm addicted to performing well. But unfortunately, the cost of chronically doing this, I'm performing well there, which means I'm performing like shit in the household. So I don't want to go there. And you just keep widening the gap. And you widen the gap further and further and further. Turn that around. Ask them what they want and start organizing your life and saying healthy no's, even to your bosses, to your employees, to your clients. Because that's important for you to have time back with your family and to do the right things for you and the right things for them. I'm sick of being shut down for sex. I'll stop trying until she comes to me. That's going to kill everything. Like, your relationship will starve to death. Because sex is the end game. It's the foreplay, it's the creativity. It's the sex languages, the love languages. I'll find that and I'll do it. Another podcast episode, the sex languages. It's creating curiosity, mystery stories. It's appreciating her. It's. It's touch, it's affection, it's Words. It's acts of service. It's all of them. And doing it without an expectation of sex. Painting the picture of sex and then pulling it away, being playful in it so that, you know. And she knows that she doesn't own you with it. You know what people have always talked about the power of the pussy and all that sort of stuff. And I get that. Like, I look at. I'm like, you know what? I could go into animalistic mode and really become engorged and going, I just fucking love sex. Like, I'm. My hormones are running well. I'm very sexually active when I think about it and focus on it. I can be, like, fucking that man. Like, it's. And I'm sure a lot of us are that way and some aren't. But essentially, in the grand scheme of life, it doesn't play an important role. Like, two to three times a day. And I'm happy. Guys are like, what the fuck? Two to three times a day. I'm just kidding. Definitely not. It's unnecessary to the grand scheme of life. Could we. Could I. Yeah. Most of us probably could, but do you need to. Is it essential? So stop creating a perception or assumption of what it actually means and create. Create the bigger picture, Create the. The ecosystem. Whether there's that sensuality between you two and that curiosity and not giving the power. Like my. And I say this with respect to my wife, when I said power of the pussy and sort of stuff like that. None of that fucking holds power over me. None of it. You should do the same, because as soon as you do that, you've taken away a tool which can be a form of manipulation. But you can't blame them for it because that's what they use, right? To get ahead and get their own way. We're all animals, all right? We're opportunistic creatures. Women are the same whether they know it or not. I'm not saying that they're narcissists or manipulators. Whether they know it or not, you get your power back, man. You don't put the walls up and you create that playfulness again. 7. We both have different views on raising our children, which cause arguments. Of course you do. Everyone has different views. Like, your wife isn't your fucking twin. Like, how could she find the alignment, Focus on that, and then subtly creep in different influences that, you know, because you're a better man, you're a better leader in yourself. You know what will help serve the family and do that in a way that leads and Influences your wife by being on the same page and finding the great things, finding the alignment in raising your children. I'm too tired. Don't have the tools or knowledge on how to connect with my wife. That's a story as well. Find the tools, find the knowledge, be resourceful, and again, invest in yourself and your energy. Energy is everything. The reason why my wife listens to me so much is because I'm an absolute fucking powerhouse, man. That doesn't mean I have. I don't have challenges. I have challenges every day. But I am a fucking weapon with my energy. I'm very fit, healthy, strong. I value my time. I organize it. That's incredibly attractive. Which means I have the tools and knowledge and ways to connect with my wife. You can too. You have that as well. She doesn't appreciate me. I don't know what she wants. Well, that ties into the first eight points. Essentially, create better clarity and communication and help appreciate her with her wants, needs and desires, with herself, with the kids, with her time, with her energy, with her environment, the house. And you'll get that appreciation straight back. Not expecting appreciation for what you do in yourself. Yeah, she'll appreciate you fitter, healthier, putting money in the bank account. But you'll get appreciation back by appreciating her and her needs and what what she needs for herself and for the family. I keep living in the past and can't move on. You just got to cut that, man. It's a pattern. They're all patterns, patterns and triggers. As soon as you say no to the past and yes to the future by living in the now, you start creating again and creating opportunities of a better life, a better love life and better leadership in yourself and connections to your wife. Busting the myths that are busting your marriage. The reason why they bust your marriage is because these are all myths that you allow, fester and manifest into truths when you don't need to. Take care. Men have an amazing back. End of the year, I will get one or two more episodes in. We've got a couple of cool guests we're bringing on as well. But really take this time and use this as downtime to reflect on these myths and these 10 key points and how you can turn them around even if you start with one. Get a pen and paper. Just go through the last four minutes where I've gone through 10 points. Write them out. Share this with your wife. Go through it with her. It's a very powerful thing. We've had feedback from a lot of dads. Make sure, she's receptive. You just had a fight. Here, listen to this podcast by Elle. She'll fucking hate me then. Just kidding. Take it and apply it as always. But I hope this has added some great value to you guys. It's something I love and dive into more and more because it's such a powerful part of us as men. We are the kings. We are the warriors. We are standing at the top of the. We're standing at the top of this big fucking rock overlooking the horizon. The entire world, it's ours. It's yours, it's mine, it's theirs to be happy, had. And it's very important whether you're single or not, to have that relationship and connection. And when you have your queen, to have that by your side and make sure you appreciate her and the pants she wears and make sure you own. And don't let it take down. Letter steal, don't gift, don't give. You have your pair of pants that you wear as well, and you do it like the big fucking man that you are, the big colossus, the titan that you have inside you but you need to bring out by carving out what your reality is, not what every other fucking bloke's telling you who's got no fucking runs on the board doesn't know what he's talking about. Take care. Dive into future episodes that are coming up as we wrap up what's been an amazing and incredible and crazy year. And like I said, I hope this serves you well in creating some amazing changes inside your relationship. 1,000 minutes a day, it's a lot. But when you're wasted on shit that doesn't serve you or move yourself or your family forward, you are bleeding. The most valuable resource that you and I never get back. How much time do you think you have? And how much quality do you think you've had? Don't be a fool like the masses, thinking you'll cheat the system or get round to it one day or worse. Just accepting life and sinking back into a slumber of regret. This is your moment, your time. You're cut from a different cloth. You have the hunger and desire to be more and live more. Otherwise you wouldn't be here. So stand up. Find the golden nuggets. In this episode, you just listened to and align immediate action with them and where you want to go, you are worthy. This is your life. You are the king and this is your kingdom. Now go and claim it by showing, not telling, and be the real leader. You and I both know you were born to be.