202. ALL IN On Fatherhood

This episode is brought to you by our high performance father coaching program where we help men juggle business, marriage and fatherhood to create the greatest balance and impact life has to offer. This is done with our philosophy that is at the core of achieving these phenomenal results in family, self and service, and that is investing in yourself first so you can be a true 100% for yourself but just as importantly for those around you that you love and care about. If you're a father struggling with choosing between your work, work and your family, lacking balance and connection in your relationship, what your children need, your own needs whilst building prosperity in your business, head over to highperformancefather.com fill out the form and I'll have my coaches contact you to see how we can help you and if you're a good fit, what it looks like to join the winner's circle on the inside. But for now, take the time to yourself for yourself and enjoy this episode. Welcome to a special episode, guys. We have John Kirkland, who is a member on the inside of our high performance father program. Jk, thanks for joining us, man.

It's good to be with you, Alex. G' day to all the tribesmen and all the listeners.

Yes, it fell felt like yesterday, mate. We had quite a. We had a bit of a different. Well, you had a bit of a different pathway into joining the tribe, mate. It feels like yesterday we were walking along the beach holding pinkies. Actually, I don't think we're holding pinkies at that stage. Maybe next year, mate, when we do the running, we will be because we're going to run the beach. We drew the line in the sand. I think the line is still there. But it was actually really interesting how we met and connected, John, where it was through a friend, a mutual friend with one of my brothers. Well, I think Les is my brother's best mate. Yeah, he was. He was his best man in his wedding, but we met through Liam. Gave me your details or vice versa, and we connected. And then you were up on the coast, mate, and. And I guess we can say the rest is history, but it'd be awesome to obviously get a bit of insights into yourself, a little bit about you, John, and look, we'll touch on your journey. John's had some amazing changes since joining our high performance father program. But one thing I love about you, jk, is you're a very aware man. And it's not that the other men on the inside aren't. We'll eventually have all the members who are successful on which means we'll probably end up with thousands of podcast episodes. But essentially, yeah, mate, you know, you articulate things very well. You probably remember and rattle off certain quotes from podcasts or from my coaching sessions better than I remember, which is quite impressive, I might add. I do remember, though, when you remind me of some pretty cool quotes and sayings that us as a tribe, it really is a whole philosophy, isn't it, mate? You know, when you're on the inside and you see the way of life that these men are carving out, and that's why I want to bring you on, because I think you're going to be able to share the message of HPF in a. In a very valuable and unique way for a lot of men on the inside. Not on the inside who listen to this, but that's enough, mate. I don't think I need to speak for half an hour. I don't think we need a half an hour intro for this one, jk. But, mate, welcome to the session. And this, this is a. This is a session for. For everyone to really help peel the layers back, maybe ask quality questions of themselves and like everything, take a great level of action towards future success. And I'd love to start that with a little bit of your background, mate, whether it's your upbringing, where we come from, what you've been up to, and then obviously how to us connecting and moving forward.

Yeah, thanks, Alex. So I think lots of people that are listening to this will have a story quite similar to mine. I wasn't targeted through one of your ads. I didn't see one of the ads on Facebook to be introduced to HBF that way. And I hadn't been listening to the podcast for a long time prior. I had a mate that obviously saw one of your ads and started listening to your podcast. And he reached out to me because he was familiar with the sort of work that I do, which we might cover off a little bit later. And he said, have you heard of these guys? Do you know anything about them? I said, no, never heard of Alex Ranieri or Real Dad Movement or High Performance Father. And he said, he's got a podcast. And so I had to listen to a few episodes and I liked, you know, I was picking up what you were putting down, all the messaging that you were putting out there aligned very similar to the things that I believe in. So I decided listening to podcast after podcast and yeah, I do listen. I am attuned to the things. I listen intently to what people say. And you'd mentioned a few Things. One of them was the location that you live in in New South Wales. And when I was holidaying nearby, I'd worked out that we had a mutual friend. So I rang and spoke to him and said, do you think Alex would want to meet with me if. If. If he was available? And I'd heard you say other things like, you know, my time is precious, and I say yes to things or say no to something so I can say yes to others. And what. We ended up being able to meet on a Sunday morning because your kids were at Nippers on the beach, and I was holidaying not far away. And I was really grateful that you could give up some time for me to just come and meet you face to face. One of the things you often say on this podcast is, I may never meet you face to face. But we know that you get a lot of correspondence of people emailing, admin, ealdadmovement, and reaching out to say how they connected with what you share and what you say. So, yeah, that's how our paths came together and got in on the tribe. I wanted to meet you because I think it's really important that I believe life is built on relationships, and there's only so much you can do through listening to someone on a podcast. But it was clear to me that the tribe, this inner circle that I've become a part of, is really where the connection and the relationship can be strongest. And that's the thing that I valued highly. So wanted to make sure that I was connecting with someone that was aligned. And that's probably why you and the team and the coaches do what you do, because you want to make sure that you bring people in that are authentic and really want the change that you're able to provide and offer. The motivating factor for me was my health and my weight. In January this year, 2022, I stepped on the scales just after Christmas, New Year, around that time, and I was 140 kilos.

Pardon me.

It's hard to say that without. Without choking.

That's okay, John. Just. Just on that note there, for those of you living in Western Australia who are listening to this, it doesn't mean you have to try and fly over to the east coast to catch up with me, just to make a decision on whether you don't cut away half of the population. I enjoyed catching up with you in person as well, mate.

Although those in Western Australia would probably like to annex themselves off from the rest of the country and become their own nation anyway. But. And look I'm very confident, Alex, that this movement is going to grow to a point where you are traveling around and it'll be in more than just a caravan where you're meeting and connecting with men all around Australia. Because that's been one of the great things about joining HPF is that, you know, you wake up each morning and you're connecting with men all around the country that are putting into action the same things that you're doing in your little. Your little patch of the country, I suppose. And it's just, it's a motivating factor to know that there's men all around Australia that value the same things you do. And they're. Every day they're making consistent efforts to improve themselves. And we're all getting caught up and, and swept along in this tide that's moving us in the right direction, which is to be the best husband, father and man that you can be.

It's. When you put it that way, mate, it's something that even. That's why I love doing these sorts of episodes. Even I can overlook anyone can. It's. But it's all about remembrance and bringing to the surface what we do, why we do it, how we do it and with who we do it with. And that's a very inspiring thing, jk. Like, I see the men, I see the names, I see the tribe, but essentially, yeah, when we open up, we have a look and there's just a thread of wins and victories and winners and winners and what they're doing. I'm like, these guys are in Tasmania, they're in North Queensland, South Australia, Western Australia. It's pretty crazy, isn't it, mate? Like, you could quickly forget that and be like, hey, that's my tribe. It's like, well, that's not the tribe. That's. We're all living on the same street. It's actually these are men that are thousands of kilometres away and we are all in tune with exactly what's necessary and needed to win and sharing and inspiring that with each other. Which is. Which is very cool. But not to cut you off, mate, as you're, you know, taking yourself away from Jim Ferry out of me, myself and Irene with some cotton mouth and grabbing a sip of water. But yeah, you're saying you were quite, quite overweight. And we talk about energy and it's not by any means that this is probably a fitness program. I don't want to, I don't ever want to be pigeonholed like that. And people think or commoditize where it's like, well, why don't I just go see a PT or join a gym or. The byproduct of what we do is your physical, mental and emotional energy goes through the roof. I mean you're, your body and your mind is connected. But yeah, you were just sharing them, mate, when you did away and obviously started around that 141 mark. Yeah.

And it was massive. And things you've shared about yourself resonate with me. You've got a really great ability to be relatable and connect. So a lot of the things that you've shared about being overweight as a child and the green cordial and the pizzas and all that sort of thing, that's been my life too from a young age. I can remember lots of incidents of bullying throughout primary school and high school and, you know, self loathing and my weight's always been, been an issue that I've struggled with and diet and exercise, you know, everyone talks about that when it comes to weight loss. You know, you need to move more and eat less. And that's true, you will need to do that to shift it. But what you've brought in to my way of thinking that I hadn't had before, it's about your self respect and your self worth and your self love and how you value yourself. So I think I said in my introduction video to the tribe back in January that there is no question that I love my family, I love my wife and I love my four children. But when I have to ask myself the question, am I leading them? Well, my answer was no, I'm not leading my family well, I'm not leading my wife well and I'm not leading the four young people that my wife and I have brought into this world. And I wanted to do something about that. I really wanted to change the way I was leading my family. And in the last three months, I can tell you that has absolutely been the focus of what I've been doing and the benefit of that has been weight loss. But it's not just been weight loss, it's been an increase in my health and my energy, in my focus, in my work, in my community. I'm very community minded. I've lived in the same geographical area my whole life, 40 years in Southern Sydney. And you know, I am known by the communities that I'm a part of because I make an effort to reach out and connect to them. But ultimately I want my kids to be able to look at me and say, dad loves us, dad loves me. Because I know that he's caring for himself to be able to care for me. And it's those cups that you speak of. Your cup's got to be filled so it can flow and pour into the other areas of self and service has been a dream dramatic shift in my thinking.

It's unreal, isn't it, when you look at it. And I take the example, as you would know, and those who've listened to the episodes of being half Italian, So the, I guess the ethnic side of things, where it's that whole sacrifice and give and give and give, it's like, well, sacrificing. It's not sacrificing for the family. You're missing a word. You're sacrificing yourself for the family who needs you. Isn't that ironic? So you're actually sacrificing yourself and the family. And this is what people don't quite understand. And it's not selfish. Like, we're not talking about narcissism here or doing things at the cost of detriment to others, or trying to get either stage ready and become Mr. Olympia or have a billion dollar business and never see your family and work 28 hours a day, which obviously is impossible. But you get my point, mate. It's about actually having all of it. And you can have it all. Jk. Like when you zoom in, it might be you do two things really well. And one thing, you're aware of it. And that's half the battle, man. That's probably 80% of the battle. You're aware of it. But maybe it's not getting your attention right now. But then when you zoom out, having the skill sets and the energy, as you said, physically and mentally, to be able to top up where you need to, when you zoom out, it's not so much all these little chaotic spirals of which ball you're holding and which ball you're juggling and so on and so forth, actually is when you're zoomed out, they've all got a slight upward trajectory because you have. And the ability to look after all of them. And that's a big thing that can only ever come from one source, which is yourself. And I think that handles the chaos a lot better too, because life has chaos. You have it, I have. It's a part of life. And this is something where we reflect on what we can control and sometimes let go of what we can't and what we shouldn't try to control. And when you look at that, mate, essentially, yeah, there's Going to be times when you zoom in, when there is parts of chaos, but you can still have a better handle on the whirlwind, so to speak, if you're investing in yourself to become 100%. And I guess is that the reason why, like when I look at this and I love to make notes at times with our episodes so I don't miss a beat when we have special guests like yourself on. But you said you were not leading the family, your wife and your children how, like what does that look like? What does not leading tangibly look like? Was that one of them? You know, you weren't showing through examples, through actions in yourself, your body, your mind, like what? What does that actually mean?

John, let me give you the best example I can is one of the greatest changes in the last three months has been a morning routine, which you've helped me establish previously. My morning routine really started at midnight if you go on the 24 hour clock. I was the sort of person that would stay up late until midnight and then I'd start to think about going to bed at that point and when I did, I'd take my phone with me and I'd scroll and I'd circle around through the apps and the news websites and the blogs and you know, get to the point where you're just drifting off and the phone drop out of your hand and smack you in the face, in the forehead. And then you go, I'm tired enough to go to sleep. And. And then you'd set an alarm and then you'd snooze, snooze, snooze through the alarm. And I'd get to the point where my alarm golf gone off too many times that I just stop it and I just stay in bed until about 8 o' clock in the morning thinking, well, you know, now I've got my seven and a half, sort of seven, six and a half hours sleep. And what I was missing by staying in bed until 8 o' clock in the morning to then get up and get ready for work was I was missing spending time with my kids in the morning. I was missing making their own lunches for them, making sure that they went to school with a healthy lunch. I was missing seeing their faces for I mentioned earlier, I've got four kids, they range in age from 16 down to 6. My oldest is in year 11 of high school. He would wake up, he's not a school refuser, so he just wake up, do what he has to do and get ready to leave for the day. And I just hear him say, bye, love you, and walk out the door. And I'd hear the door slam or not slam, but you know, close behind him, I'm like, he's gone for the day and you haven't seen him. And reflecting on that now, the way I'm living my life, I wasted a lot of precious mornings that I'll never get back. And you say it often, al you hate waste. And one of the things we waste is our time and our energy and they're things that we don't get back. So what am I doing now? What am I doing differently in my morning routine? Well, it does again start the night before, but I'm getting to bed early, so I aim for 10 o'.

Clock.

I don't always hit that, but it's pretty consistent around that 10 o' clock mark. And so those two hours of sleep that I'm getting, that's extra in the morning, I'm taking them. And then using that time, instead of getting up at 8, I'm getting up closer to 6. So there's a series of fives in this story. But I set my alarm for 5:55 in the morning and my phone is now charging outside my room. I don't use it as an alarm clock on my bedside table because I can just reach for it and hit snooze. But when the alarm goes off at 5:55 in my room, my phone's outside my room. I have to get up. And when I get up and go and hit stop on my alarm, I'm up. So then I get into my day and I go and use the bathroom. I've got my gym clothes or workout clothes laid out for me. So I get dressed and I go and walk for five kilometers and it takes about 55 minutes, just walking for 11 minutes per kilometer. And I do that five days a week, so to Monday, to Friday and do my other, yeah, health stuff around the weekends as well. When I first started doing that, Alex, I did that on my own. Day one, woke up and did it day two, woke up, did it day three, when I woke up at 5:55 and started getting ready. Do you know who else woke up and started getting ready to go for a walk? My wife did. And we went for a walk that morning and we've been walking every morning since. So she comes for a walk with me. She doesn't do the full 5Ks because she's got to get back home to get ready for work and drive off. But it is. So when we talk about leading our family. It is so good to start my day walking alongside my wife and our dog and just chatting to her about the things that happened yesterday and what she's got coming up today and what I'm dealing with. And I'm investing in myself, I'm investing in her, I'm investing in our relationship. And she shares things now with me that we previously probably wouldn't have talked about. So it's just great to have that. But it's all stemmed out of me investing in myself. First doing that twice in a row, and then my wife saying, well, you know, he's making some changes that are positive. I want to be a part of that. And she's got on board with me, too. You used a word earlier, Alex, about selfish. Like, you know, that was my biggest concern about joining HPF and being part of this movement is I knew it would come at a financial cost, and I knew it had come at a cost of time and energy and effort. And I'm like, do I invest in that? And when after I met with you and we'd gone for that walk on that beach together, and I came back and I spoke to my wife at the end of our holiday, I said, look, we've just finished a great holiday. I want to have as many summer holidays with you and the kids as I can. And if I keep living my life at 141 kilos, my life is half over. You talk about winning the second half in life. What does the average adult male in Australia live to at the moment, if they're healthy? Is it 82? Is that sort of the average lifespan? Well, at 40 and a half, 41, I am typically halfway. And that's if I was healthy and I at the time was not. And I've still got more to do, but my life was statistically more than half over. And I don't want to disappear off the face. I don't want my wife to be a widow. I don't want my four kids to grow up without a father in their life, without me in their life. So I had to be the change. You know, you want to change the family, change the man, you want to change the marriage, change the man. Make those internal improvements in yourself, and all the things that flow from it are so profound. So, yeah, I'm seeing the leadership come through with my wife wanting to take on many of the habits that I've started to bring in that I'm now waking up, and my wife and I, we get back from our walk and I'm awake and I feel fresh. You know, I've got a sweat on. And my kids wake up and they come downstairs and they see that I've done a workout and they go, dad's investing in himself. Dad's fit, Dad's getting strong, Dad's losing weight. I've lost 20 kilos in three months. And, yeah, more to do, but the kids can see it. My daughter said to me just yesterday, dad, that T shirt's too big on you. You need to throw that out. Like, that is the biggest tick for me. It's really nice that they notice those sort of things. So I'm making them healthy lunches. I'm putting post it notes on there on their lunchbox lid, you know, telling them that I love them and that, you know, hope they have a great day. And, oh, it's. It's the greatest feeling any man can have to know that he is leading his family well. And we might finish on Legacy, but I think far too many times people have ended up on their deathbed and regretted, you know, those, those missed opportunities. None of them have said, I wish I spent another day in the office or, you know, took that extra work call in the work that I'm doing with men, particularly, I feel too many men find their identity on what's printed on their business card or what's parked in their garage. And for me and the men in this tribe, we are finding our identity in who we are as ourselves, but also who we are as fathers and husbands and partners and what we do in our community, with our workplace.

It's a solid point there, mate, when it comes to your own identity. And we talk about this on the inside. I mentioned this in podcast too, jk, and that was an amazing share, mind you. Thank you for sharing that, for not just me, but for the guys listening that, yeah, mate, like, your identity is purely a choice of who you choose to be internally and then making that truth out in the real world. And that's incredible, man. Like, it's when I talk about incredible or unbelievable or phenomenal, it is believable. And it is a standard. When we look at that and go, well, JK is getting up and then his wife is joining him on walks. And then we look at this, and this was episode 199, opportunity cost. So these are the opportunities, mate. So what a lot of guys don't realize they get stuck in the chaos, in the whirlwind of life, just treading water, trying to survive day to day. It's like, well, hang on a Minute you're trying to push away the negative things and we talk about that, like the compound interest on the detrimental effects on your life and your habits and what you're doing and then how that will destroy or bring you down and bring you to what we call unfortunately for so many, the alternative. But what about the compound interest on the opportunities? So the opportunity cost is being aware of the great things you can have. So for you, it was missing, you know, an hour, an hour and a half, possibly in the morning with your children. Like for me we've got a great team. I don't work, you know, 80 hour weeks anymore, JK but obviously I still love what I do and I'm working and I guess you would consider this working right now. But I love what we do and you know that being on the inside. But I still make the time and I look at it and I'll spend four to six hours a day with my children. And that is just like you cannot, not even price, you can't even put a perceived value on that because even in the moments you have no idea the compound interest of your children reading that post it note every day on their lunchbox, that's going to drive a level of confidence and belief to either avoid or stand up for themselves with conflict in the bullying or in the playground or to take that shot. And the young bloke asks a girl out on a date because he values himself, because he sees value in himself through the eyes of his father. People have night when I talk about opportunity costs. It's insane how much in the whole choose your own adventure or the branches of the tree or going down the rabbit hole. You can go on this and going, you know what? I can absolutely create miraculous changes and energetic outputs in life that will then manifest themselves AKA through my children. Seeing your kids in the morning, spending time with your wife, talking about things that you might not have had the chance to and just having that way to express. And when you say yes to that, you say no to maybe holding on to things that whether it's you or her or something bad that happens at work or something bad has happened for her, you have a platform to express and either dissolve, attach or adjust what's happening or what you've experienced the day before. And this stuff, man, I cannot stress it enough. Like, you know, it's never those listening, you know it John, but because you're on the inside. But this is not about judgment or blame or pointing the finger. And people think I'm raw and direct in my Facebook Ads, they're obviously not on the inside, John, but it's coupled equally with love. It's not about being an overlord and being aggressive to men on the inside, but people take my stuff in my ads as too direct or raw and real and they get their backup. Or they criticize some of our advertisements. Like, man, this isn't about judgment or blame. Change the family, change the man. Like, exactly what you said then. It's opportunity. These are all opportunities. They're not burdens or why should I have to do this? It's like, what do you mean? You should be asking the question, why don't I want to do this? It's crazy, isn't it, mate? But some really solid shares there, JK on not just opportunity costs and what it's costing you, but how you're now seizing the opportunities as well.

Cost is one thing, Al, but that's easy. Like, you can work out what something costs, but it's the benefit of that cost that is, and the value that you get out of it. Because what one thing may cost to someone, if they don't use it, then it's of no value or benefit to them. I had to ask myself, what do I value? And I value myself. I value time with my kids. I value my wife. I value my family. And those are the things that I want to invest in. And I can say no to other things because these are the things that are more important. You'll have men that are listening to this that are driving trucks. You'll have men that are on construction sites. You'll have men that are in office blocks there. Men all around the country that have got to ask themselves the question, what do I value? And am I worth it?

It?

Because your kids are asking that of you. This is something that I've learned. Children have their radar out for what their father thinks of them. Most children know that their mothers love them because they've been biologically a part of them, birthed by them. But they very quickly work out that while Mum's in the scene, who's this other guy that's always around and picks me up and tickles me and cuddles me and, you know, feeds me from a young age. And as that relationship grows, fathers need to speak into the lives of their children because the children are asking themselves a question that only dad can answer. Do I have what it takes? Does dad think that I'm worthy of his time? That I'm worthy of his energy? Does he see me? Does he value me? Does he respect me? And when we make choices as fathers about what we spend our time on, if our children aren't a big part of that. And that's one of the questions that we have to. We don't have to. We get to answer each week is, what did we do with our kids each week? And it's great. I just feel an immense sense of pride to be able to sit down and say, I did this, this, this, this and this with my kids. And you see there, kids have an emotional tank. We all have an emotional tank. But kids particularly have an emotional tank that can only be filled with the love of their father. And we want to top that tank up so that it's full. And we want to do less of the things that punch holes in the bottom of the tank and drain them out. But there are going to be things that punch holes. They're going to get disappointment. Whether it be not making a sports team or not getting a result in a test that they worked hard on or whatever the case may be. There are things that are going to punch holes in a kid's emotional tank and drain them. But we have to be the ones there with the bucket that needs to be full in ourselves, tipping into the lives of our kids to keep them emotionally topped up. My dad died in January 2021 now, and that was almost 12 months to coming on board with you at the start of this year. And on his deathbed, we got to talk about a lot of things. I'm an only child. He raised me with my mum, who passed when I was 16. And they did an amazing job of raising me. My dad suffered from bipolar or when he was diagnosed, called manic depression. So he had some mental health challenges. And you probably don't realize that as a kid until you get older and you become a bit more worldly and work things out. But there is no greater thing that a father can do than raise their children up to a level where they can stand on their own shoulders but call themselves tall because of the foundation that a father has provided. We're not just the foundation to be stood on, but we're the framework where the furnishings, where the fittings, the fit out. We can be everything to them so that they can go into life knowing that they've been given everything that they need to be the best that they can because they've got the love of their dad.

It's really hard, mate, because when we look at life as a whole, there are many different moving parts that. Or holes in the tank, so to speak, that chip Away at our self belief. So as an adult it can become more complex. But also we've been here longer so we should be somewhat, you would imagine, steeled towards, you know, the familiarity of life, throwing adversities our way. But even then, jk, sometimes a lot of the times it takes someone else's belief in you for you to see and raise up your belief in yourself. So what's different with children? The purity they have the gift that they are to this world, in this life. They need that too. And that's exactly what you're talking about. You know, them looking to whether it's seeking acceptance or not. It is the influence and the energetic output that you have that you and your wife have that is the environment that is actually raising children. That's why marriages are important. Marriage or not, it's a word. It's why having a set of continued, not just this is an agreement or this is written on a piece of paper which makes an agreement, a set of continued principles, morals and follow throughs through in your values and your integrity to create stability and love and guidance and leadership in the household. And I look at that now like what you're talking about with the kids. And I'm like think about the subconscious. And we talk about this a little bit. In compounding ways through life, 91% of our life can be autonomous. But actively we're at the forefront of recording or rerecording what we need to to either service or not, whether we're aware or not. Think about that on your daughter's wedding day when she's up speaking and talking about the post it notes that dad used to write on her L. But I look at that, I'm like with the big passage of time, 10, 12, 18 years, whatever it may be, what do you think on a compound level, subconsciously, even if she's not aware, for her to draw and have that in the memory bank on her wedding day, how that would have helped her in times of need that she's not even aware of, that being the catalyst that has helped her pull the trigger. Go for that promotion, go for that job or that business, or make that decision or choose whatever it might be. That's a huge thing that like we say mate, we don't quite understand at times when we're too stuck trying to be in survival mode ourselves because I haven't got our act together in creating the right structure in morning and night routines, the right energy, valuing our time, saying yes to the right things, no to the wrong things, losing sedation distraction, you know, it was just something which steals our life a lot of the times because of all those different moving parts. Many men have no idea on how much of an amazing influence they can have. I mean, is that not one thing in itself that should be enough of a motivation motivator to drive a man who doesn't feel like doing it for himself?

Yeah, absolutely. You mentioned a wedding day. And I do have three daughters, my kids that I've mentioned. So Noah, Ella, Zarleen, Iggy. When Ella, my second and first daughter, was born, the first thing I said to her, and I didn't plan to say this, I just held her for the first time in my arms as a newborn and I said, I'm going to walk you down the aisle. It was just what came out of my mouth. I don't know why I said that, but it stuck with me and it's always remembered. But I want to make sure that I'm around to do that. And when I do, I want to be able to speak at her wedding day and not be a fraud and not be a fraudulent father. That shortchanged her and took time away from her. But, yeah, did invest in making sure that she had the love of her dad in her life. Beautiful thing about this podcast, Sal, is we can jump around into a whole lot of spots. But I talked earlier about, you know, staying in bed until 8 o' clock in the morning. And last year there would be mornings where I'd wake up and I'd be surprised to be alive. I'd be like, you could have died through your sleep last night. You're 141 kilos. You could have had a heart attack. And that wasn't a motivating factor. I wasn't like, oh, well, you know, congratulations on waking up today. You know, seize the day and get into it. But I became very short sighted. I said, I just hope I live long enough so that I can see my kids grow up. And I punched myself in the face with that thought and go, how short sighted, how narrow. You don't want to be around just long enough to see your own children grow up. You want to be around long enough to see your children's children grow up. And hopefully, because I've had children young, started at the age of 23, I may be around long enough. And with the way health's going and increasing people's lifespan, I might even be a great grandfather at one point. But if I didn't make a change, I wouldn't be around to see that. And to be a part of their lives into the future. So, yeah, I think it's incredibly important, the little investments that you make. You never know what one thing you can say into a child's life, into your child's life that they will hold onto and remember forever, both positive and negative. I mean, you know, Alex, you're a very fit man. You can lift a lot of weight. It's incredible the journey you've had through football and CrossFit. I can't claim any of those sorts of elite sporting achievements, but one of the things I know that is one of the muscles that is the strongest in my body is my tongue and how I use it and how I can use my tongue to build my children up and to make them feel valued, but also how quickly I can just cut them down with a word or a sarcastic remark. And the way I learned that on one occasion where I was feeling good about myself and fit as a. As a kid. In my early teens, I registered with a couple of mates to go in our local community fun run, which was a 5k fun run around a park. I'd lost a little bit of weight in the lead up to that, in training for it it, and I was feeling good about myself, and I went in the event, and when I crossed the finish line, I had no idea where I came, but I hung around with the others, and then they gave out awards based on age group, and I came fifth in my age group for the fun run. So I came home with that little certificate and I showed my dad as a teenager, and he said, oh, that's great, son. Congratulations. How many were in the race? 5, implying that I came last. And I buried that with me in my subconscious, in my life for a very long time. My dad was a very witty man, quite loving and caring, but that was just an off remark that really cut me, and I've carried it with me for a long time since, and he didn't mean any malice by it. So I don't hold any. Any grudge against him for that remark, but it's just something that he said to me, and he probably would have, you know, forgotten it that day and, you know, not known the impact that it had on me. But as fathers, we need to keep our words nice and soft at times in case we have to eat them. So we don't want to be hard and harsh in our word. We certainly should be strong and disciplined. Children need boundaries, and fathers set them really well. But it's the way we. We speak into their lives. We Want them to have those memories of us being people that were on their side and supported them to achieve their best, but without, you know, we want to be, you know, we're not cheerleaders, but we want to be coaches and people that get alongside them when they need us most.

Words are very powerful, aren't they, mate? You know, they really are like we. Sometimes your word, especially to yourself, is not enough. Right. We need to take all types of actions. You know, your thoughts, feelings. They're all different levels of actions or wavelengths, I guess, but they can definitely be on more susceptible or vulnerable minds. Black magic, you know, and not white magic ends. Like yourself, Matt. I enjoy a joke and a laugh and in the right context of things, that it's not that your father was inappropriate, it's like it would be a great laugh and a yarn, but it all depends on the position. And unless you're aware and proactive and present inside of your children's lives, you can't get a read on that. You can't get a read on whether you should have. Because I'll stir the girls and Roman a little bit. He's obviously languages, he's only 20 months of age. But the other two, I can start to yo stir a little bit here and there. But it's always done with such an eye and awareness on the energy, obviously, the. The purpose at hand and what it's tied into. It's not going to be something. When I say stirring or having a joke with the girls, it's not going to be something around their looks or their performance on something, because that's stuff that could obviously cut right through them. Right. Doesn't matter what age they are or how light hearted you might think it is. And if you laugh after or say, I'm only joking, even if your father said that, it's like, well, hang on a minute. Was he though or did he just respond? So then we start to play this game of actually becoming cynical and cynics inside of our own mind, even if it is genuine on the other end. But one thing that was very interesting talking about, jeez, I hope I'm just alive long enough to. Why? Why do you think so many people. I say people because it's not just men and fathers. We're directly connecting with fathers. So this will obviously apply to fathers and men. But why set the bar so low? Is it a belief thing, jk, Is it a belief system? Is it because they don't have the right environment or tribal people around? Like, why do people in life, it's insane man. Like it's actually I see that as harder you're on the inside but I see what we're doing pushing through, being uncomfortable, striving forward much more liberating, much more fulfilling, way more control, way more results and better results like I actually see what we do. Whilst initially there's pockets of hardness as opposed to laying on a lounge watching TV or something, I see that as being way easier than setting the bar low. But what's happened? How's the script been flipped over to be the opposite? Like why do you think that people set the bar so low?

I think they self sabotage and their self talk is a big part of it. I think one of the other things that in regards to setting a bar is that comparison. They say comparison is the thief of joy. I see that happen a lot in the lives of men where they're comparing themselves to others. I've learned to just start comparing myself to who I was yesterday and just trying to get better and be that better version of myself the next day and just making these small incremental changes and changes over time that you see add up. And I think it's also maybe what they value. Children are also products of their parents and their upbringing. So you might look to all the men that are in the tribe might be able to share stories of their own upbringing and their own father that father experiences. And I reckon there's two types of people that really connect in this organization is one is men that had good fathers themselves and they know they benefited from that, it was really important to them and they want that again for their own children. And the other side of the coin is men that didn't have a great upbringing, that their fathers were distant or divorced or dysfunctional in some way, maybe even death crept up on them and they grew up without a father in their life. And because of that they know they missed out. They can feel it internally. They don't need it pointed out to them. They just feel that there was a loss in their life and because of those things we have this opportunity. You talk about winning the second half in life. My mum died at the age of 49 from bowel cancer. So when I turned 24 and a half, I thought, well that's if I live to the same age as my mum. I'm halfway at 24, you know. We spoke on Sunday night about Andrew Simon's untimely death. We've experienced the passing of Shane Warne at 52 years of age. If someone had come up and tapped Shane Warne on the shoulder at the age of 26 and said, Oi, mate, mate, this is halfway. You are halfway through your life right now. What would the second half be like? My wedding anniversary is the 11th of September. It was five years after that dreadful day in the United States. Not one person that Woke up on the 11th of September and went to work in the World Trade center, not one of them thought, oh, you know what? Today a commercial airline might fly into the side of my building and 3,000 people might die. It was a day undone, undoubtedly, that changed the world. None of us know when our day is. So we, you know that cliched saying, live every day like it's your last and one day you'll be right. I don't want to waste the days that I've got. I don't know how much sand is in my hand and I want to use every day that I've got to just be getting a little bit better and impacting the lives of the people I love and helping raise up a generation of men that value their role of. Of being dad, being a great father. I can't think of anything else that I'd rather spend my time on like. It's just such a profoundly important impact. There's nothing else matters. We love Metallica. Nothing else. That is true. Nothing else matters. That's the thing that matters the most.

It's got to be one of the most enlightening experiences, I reckon, mate. Because when I say enlightening, it was the hardest and it is the greatest thing that ever hit me. Jk When I became a father for the first time, I just realized how many lies there were in my life. And people think a lie is something that just so simple and so tangible and easy to spot. It's not. It's opportunity costs when there's an acceptance, but words are spoken differently. You are lying to yourself. You're lying to the future version of yourself. You're lying to your children unknowingly or they're unknowing. And it's all that stuff you shared.

It's.

It really is enlightening, becoming a father because you're like, man, I can. Nothing profounds the word mate. Like, nothing compares to it for me. And that doesn't mean I don't love my wife. It doesn't mean I don't love connecting with you guys on the inside. If anything, both of those are lines of remembrance to go, hey, man, you don't have to. You get to. You think because a baby pops out that you, you've earned the right or the title to fatherhood or to be, you know, to be a father or dad. It's, you know, that's something that maybe guys take for granted or maybe they don't and life has just swept them away. John. But that's because their cup isn't full, right? So we throw our hands in the air. Just is what it is. There's nothing I could do about it. Well, let's go upstream. Eight years. What have you been chronically doing? Destroying the way you handle time. A valuable resource and energy. I mean, that's incredible. Talking about that with warning. Could you imagine, like, he was in the peak of his career, just dominating the world. And no offense to merely lovers for that. Warny's the best spinner of all time. There's no doubt about that. And just an absolute character. I couldn't imagine someone saying that to him at 26 years of age. Yet. Why is it so different when someone hears it at 41 years of age and they don't click? Like, where is there come. Where has there become. Is it because we see old people in society? Like, where has there become this gluttonous state of, oh, it's all good. 82 is good. No, no. Doesn't matter if you're 26 to 52 or 40 to 80 or 45 to 90, when you're halfway, you're halfway. Like, it's. It's not that it's all bad or it's all down here. It's like, no, no, no. Your mortality is coming for you. And it's one thing that I got. I've started listening to the David Goggins, and I love guys like that. Don't get me wrong, I don't apply or agree with everything, but I love guys like that. Because if there's one little thing I can pluck out or take or it's, you know, maybe Al needs a bit of a rev. Fantastic. You've got someone who, far in the light of how Goggins operates, there are parts of that, geez, man, like, so traumatic what he went through in his upbringing, but really inspiring. And one thing that he said, and I've got a few bits that I've taken down, and that's what I love about still diving into different audiobooks and books because he rattled it off like was nothing. One thing that he said is the moment you start breathing is the moment you become eligible for death. I was like, wow, that is. But he said it like it was nothing. Like, man, that do you not realize.

What you've just said?

Like, is that not the greatest gift, though? Our own mortality? Jk but have a look at you right here and now, sharing with some phenomenal wisdom and insights into how you. It's not even about repairing relationships, how you create. Like, when we talk about rebuilding or reconnecting emotions, like, no, no, no. What you need to do is you need to not even recreate. You need to create. We're always creating. What is the relationship I'm creating on the 30th of May? What's the relationship I'm creating on the 12th of July? Like, you're always in a state of creation. So all of this stuff that's become just a part of your identity, is that the reason why? Well, let's look at this. You know, we spoke before we hit record. You've lost a third of your visceral fat, which is quite dangerous for those of you guys who don't know. That's. That's stuff that you don't want inside you. You don't want that to be a part of your anatomy or your makeup. Like, we talk about these physical changes. We've been talking about habits and other things, but even that man, like a 30 of visceral fat, gone. See you later. Is that a part of how you're operating your belief systems, the environment? Is it just a part of your identity? JK Everything we're talking about with your awareness of the second half and valuing it and then seeing death around us, and obviously it's highlighted more through either sports stars or celebrities, which does hit home at times just as much as close ones to us. What is the reason why you're having such an amazing change, physically and obviously physically and mentally? What have been some of the biggest contributing factors to where you are now?

I said to myself, AL, when I joined, it will never be easier than now. It will never be easier than right now. So when men listen to your podcast, and I think, yeah, I'll do that. When? When will you do it? Because it will never be easier than now. In 2010, I turned 28. I was 128 kilos, and I set myself a goal of losing 28 kilos over 28 fortnights. And I achieved that goal. And at the end, I ran a marathon. I did a 42.1-kilometer marathon. Not on a. An organized course, but I plotted my own course around parts of Sydney that was significant to me. I left from a mate's house where I had a photo taken of me when I was 21 years old at his 21st, and I was like just a ghoul, this white ob, you know, like the Ghostbusters movie that be that marshmallow.

I looked like that.

It was horrible. So I said, well, that was a low point for me and that's where I want to move through. And I, I plotted a course and I ran the distance. But measurement maths is an incredible thing. You know, we talk about losing 33% of my visceral fat over the last three months, which is a great measurement and time. The thing about halfway is if I gave you a block of wood in lineal meters and I said cut that in half, one of the things you'd need to do would be measure the full length of the piece of wood first and then work out where halfway is. And then from that point you can then cut it in half. But if you don't know the full length of something like time, then you don't know where halfway is ever going to be. The reason I'm making the changes is because sometimes you can lull yourself into a false sense of security. So I said to myself, well, jk, you've done that before. You, you know, you lost all that weight. You dropped 28 kilos and you know you can achieve it. So you can do that again. Well, can you do it again? Not until you prove it to yourself. So what was important for me is to go, it's now has to be the time. I have to do this now because it's not going to get easier the longer I leave it. What, you're going to lose 40 kilos when you're 50, you know, you have to do it now. It requires action.

I think.

When I lost all that weight and I got under 100 kilos, a few things changed in my life. One, I left a job that I loved, which was working as a tour guide on the Sydney Harbour Bridge. I met my wife there. I worked there for 12 years. But I'd just gone for a job promotion at the eight year mark and I was unsuccessful. And it ended up being one of the greatest things that happened to me. Not being successful in a job promotion because it forced me into another career path. I went to university and I studied to be a primary school teacher. But to do that, I needed to work full time and study full time whilst raising a family, caring for an aging and ill father, building a home, and for four years, that whole family, self and service, well, guess what? There was no self. I was all in on family and I was all in on my service of my work and my study and my mantra with my wife. We said short term pain for long term gain. Let's just get through these four years, get your degree, you can leave that job, you can start teaching. She's a teacher. My wife teaches at a secondary school. I was going to be primary school trained and we did that, we got through it. But at the end of the four years, guess what had happened to that 28 kilos that I'd lost? It came all back incrementally, little bit by little bit and I put it all back on with interest and I found myself at a point where, well, you know, you're back at square one. And what's been interesting this time around, at the start, al we talk about the crabs in the bucket and is one person's just starting to free themselves and get free, another crab will just reach up and grab you by the leg and no, no, no, you're not getting away. Drag you back down. And I've got great mates, they're very supportive. But I know that because I've lost weight again, there will be a part of them that is thinking, oh yeah, we've seen this before. You know, we know that when you get your head into something, you commit to it and you do 100% this time it's different because it's not just going to be doing it for the reasons that were important to me back then. This is not just about the health and weight, it's about the leadership and the legacy that you leave. So that's what I'm most excited about. It's not something that you just do for a time and then you stop. You know, when you become a father, you stay a father forever and you have to be in that mindset of this role is for life.

I'll always be at that very powerful points there, mate. And none more important than what I think that the biggest takeaway I got was. It becomes a complete identity shift. And that's not to say that there was parts of you that were created and parts of you that died when you did your marathon. I mean, that's an incredible feat. But what was the driver? Was it maybe not surface level, but was it as deep as it needed to be that drove a complete new outlook and identity of who John Kirkland is going to become? Maybe, I guess, maybe not because you didn't maintain it. Or maybe it was a knowledge thing or an awareness thing because it was family and service. Not so much family, self and service where Is this coming from. And when naturally fill your cup of self, it will overspill into those two. Anyway, so what I quite understand, but two points on that, mate. I think that the crabs in the bucket's a great analogy, you know, and they'll get pulled back down. But essentially when we're left to our own devices as well, we need to recognize that sometimes we are the only ones in the bucket. And the bucket is a range of different perspectives. It's a collective of your perspectives, your personalities, Personas, values. And so there might be a great part of you that comes up, but then there's the cynical or pessimistic part that just pulls you down, that it won't happen or I didn't deserve this or. So it's almost like there's two buckets in life, jk, you know, one where we're with the environment, the immediate surroundings, but also I look at it in that respect. So many men don't have that bucket. They actually are just in their own. Maybe that's what they need, a bucket right next to them of other crabs that are leaning over and pulling them and going, hey, we're all not in. This is the bucket I was in. We got out of that and you can come out and let's go for a walk, let's get out here and. And let's have some freedom again. Because freedom really is a byproduct of certainty, control, that's a byproduct of choices and so on. But one of the biggest things that leads to transforming an identity for us as men, jk is pulling the levers that are going to help us flick that switch. Because sometimes, and it could be this episode, maybe not my voice, maybe it's yours, there's a father listening to this who goes, this is how enough is enough. And some of the guys may be, I guess, in our network or in our ecosystem and they might get my emails at time time and they might not sharing wins and shares and stories. And some of those emails are very assertive, they're very direct, could be perceived as aggressive, but essentially who has time to fluff around, mate. And beating around the bush sometimes in that bush is the snake of self sabotage. You just need to reach into that bush and pull it out and be done with it and cut it away from your life or like I say, living an eggshell free life. One of the greatest ways and one of the greatest levers to pull to flick that switch is being very specific and very tangible. Which is why what you said earlier around maths and numbers is a valuable asset to have in your corner. Two reasons. One, it's the truth, which is the overarching principle. But one, it can show you numbers that you're not happy with in your life. Like, great, let's use that as a driver to move away from this fear of failure, pain, the pit, what life will become if we don't do something. But two, when you start moving jk, what do you see? Better numbers, greater numbers, new numbers. A number that paves results. A number that can paint a different perspective of, hey, I've actually done something. It's not just words. It's not just a flash in the pan. It's something that is incrementally building. I mean, we have a look at this now, three months. Okay, so we're looking at three months, roughly 14 weeks, I guess, if you're going to. Or 13 weeks, if you want to break it down that way. Okay, 13 weeks. That means there's what, 70. 91 wake ups. Okay, 91 wake ups. This is how many times I got up and took that walk. My wife joined me for 70 of those. Or, you know, which means I had out of that once we got back from 7 to 8am instead of being asleep. Out of those 91 times, I walked 80 times and I had five weekends where I relaxed, no worries. Out of those 80 times. That means my children were exposed to 80 hours with their father. Like, this is. This is what people don't understand, man. When you get so specific and clear when I say people are not just pointing the finger at fathers who aren't members, but it's the majority of the population, stop tracking the numbers. Stop not tracking anything and just creating a lie because that's going to catch up to you. And stop just focusing on the bad and tracking the numbers that are destroying you. Okay, well, you don't like that? What are you doing about it? Have a look at the numbers of the great things you can do. And they're great things. Why? Because it's 80 times potentially, John. Not I went for five walks or I walk every day because it dissolves the importance. I walk every day. It's great. It's like, well, hang on a minute. What was the byproduct of that? Well, I walked, which means I had to wake up early, which means when I got back, my kids saw what I did, which means there was leadership 80 times, which means there was 80 hours spent with them. Compounding effect, man. It's why numbers and being very specific, I mean, I'M open to your thoughts on that. But being being super specific with facts or the future facts or in what you're doing, your actions will actually lead to better feelings. And that's what we talk about, having both, mate, facts and feelings.

Yeah, they go hand in glove. They say if you can't measure it, you can't manage it. That's true. But more than that, as I started this, we said, I believe that we're built for relationships. And the thing that I think is that all of these opportunities that I can measure, that's one thing thing. But I am creating these memory making moments with my family every day because I'm present, because I'm there spending time with them and I'm making sure that they're getting those good memories so that when I'm not here, whenever that day comes, that they can look back and go, well, it was the times that dad was present and he was with me and he got up early. Remember how dad turned his life around and he did something valuable for himself and how it impacted me. That'll be my legacy. Absolutely.

You've obviously got fatherhood and legacy is a big thing that we speak of because yes, one day you and I will pass in the physical form, but what does remain in eternal life? Well, it could be your great grandchildren who got an opportunity to spend one or two years with you, or it could even be their children who are going to adopt the mannerisms, belief systems of your kids, their kids to their grandparents, their parents and then in themselves and parents in 2140 or something like that. But essentially, mate, yeah, it's something that you're obviously experiencing in being a father yourself. You've seen HPF on the inside. And for those of you who don't know, because we haven't spoken about it or you mentioned briefly didn't mention the organization JK works with, the Fathering Project as well, which I'm not sure and I'm sure you'll have a better outline of it, mate. But I do believe it might have been. Is it something that was born in Western Australia through a doctor or.

Yeah, that's right. So the Fathering Project, we're a research based, not for profit charity. We're a Preventing Kids Harm charity. It started in 2013 in Western Australia and our founder is a medical doctor. His name's Professor Bruce Robinson. Bruce, as a doctor has the unenviable task of telling a lot of men and many of these men, fathers, that they are terminally ill with an asbestos related lung disease like Mesothelioma, like many of the listeners will remember the James Hardy court battle with Bernie Bampton. And mesothelioma and asbestos related cancers are quite prolific, particularly in men. So Bruce had to tell a lot of men that they were going to die. So just think about that. What if you had a medical appointment because you had a little cough and they said, oh, we've done some X rays and have found this tumor on your lungs and you've got stage four lung cancer and you know, you've got six or 12 months to live. What do you do in that six to 12 months? And that's what Bruce heard over and over and over again. Men say to him, what do I do in the time that I've got left to be the best father that I can be? And Bruce, being medically minded, he's into the research. And so he looked at the research internationally and in Australia, and, and it's no surprise to you, Alex, or any of the people in the tribe or the people that listen to the podcast, because if you're listening to this, you obviously care about your role of being a dad. Children that grow up with effective and intentional fathers or father figures in their life have significantly improved development outcomes. And conversely, children that grow up without an effective or an intentional father in their life life have a greater exposure to risk and negative outcomes in life, like juvenile delinquency, alcoholism, drug addiction, early or unwanted sexual activity and behavior. And the list goes on. And when fathers can speak into their children's life positively and be there for them, show them unconditional love and identify in their children the things that make them special, then children are going to have happier, healthier futures. And that's what our organization is about. I love that we've come into each other's sphere and circle. When you did Cosi, you had one of the tribesmen, Ben Duggan. And Ben won't mind me mentioning him by name. He's grown a pretty wild beard, Benny. And that came about through a back injury where he, he suffered an injury that was so debilitating that he couldn't stand up long enough to be able to shave comfortably. So he just let this beard grow out. And then he got some feedback from his wife that she didn't like the beard anymore, at least as much as he did, and it needed to go. And so, yeah, so Ben's made a decision to shave his beard off, but he wanted to do it for a charity. And so, so kindly HBF and the coaches, particularly Drew, introduced Ben to Me and our team have organised a fundraiser. So Ben set himself a goal of raising $5,000 and just today he ticked over the $2,000 mark. So Bounty for the beard is what it's called. It's on Raisely. I don't know how we can share that with people, but we might put it in the podcast notes of the link for his page. It'll be active until about the 9th of June, I think. So if you're listening to this podcast after the that, you'll miss that opportunity to donate to Ben's charity. But Ben's also got a very generous friend that said, look, mate, I'll match you dollar for dollar. So if you get to 5,000, I'll tip in 5,000 myself, which is really nice thing for mates to do and get alongside them. But, yeah, the fathering projects works really complementary to what you're doing. When I first met you, Al, I said that, you know, the fathering project is warming men up to the idea of how profound their impact can be. But this organization and when you come into the inside and surround yourself with other men that are really dedicated and determined to be the best dads that they can be, it sets them on fire. It is elite, it is high intensity. It's everything that a father needs to be impactful in his life. And, yeah, it's a great change. And the reason I stepped in and, and I said to you, I'm going all in now, I want in on this is because I wanted to be one of the first in the room. You know, we've got over 200 tribesmen at the moment, but I'm confident that this will grow to be a movement that sweeps all around Australia and I want to be amongst the first. You know, when I started at Bridge Climb, I started on their fifth anniversary and I always looked at the people that had joined the organization earlier than me and envied them for them, for them being sort of like the startup and they were there from the inception and the beginning. But as founder, Alex, you've built an organization that has the great potential to impact men all around Australia positively and have the opportunity to change a generation within a generation. Because once men start realizing, get a laser, like, focus on what's important to them and then they put all of the steps in place and the bricks in the wall and they take action then. Unstoppable, just absolutely unstoppable. And I don't know what I'm preparing myself for, Alex. I look back on my life and, yeah, I've Lost both my parents before I turned 40 and lost my mum at 16, which I've mentioned earlier, but I don't know what's on my horizon and I'm getting battle ready because life's going to punch you in the face. I don't know what's going to happen to me. I don't know if I'm going to lose my job, I'm going to get a cancer diagnosis or you know, there's going to be a trauma or a drama in one of my kids life at some point. But I would just want to make sure I'm as well prepared physically, mentally and emotionally to be a stable influence in their life so that when the storm comes I can captain that ship and sail it safely through to the other side. Because I've invested in myself and I've built myself up. I've got capacity, I've got high courage, long commitment and whatever life throws at me, I will be better prepared because of the steps that I'm taking now. Crisis is never a good time to start building your boat, you know, you need to be ready. So get ready now.

Yeah, amazing shares, John, and solid point there at the end as well. And then the fathering project. Yeah, that's a, that's a tough gig, man. Like what do I do this time? And he would have had obviously endless conversations and that question being thrown his way and it's just, it's incredible to see that. And I went to school with Ben, actually Benny Duggan and it's awesome to see this, you know, and to see this, this charity that I spoke with Ben and we've spoke, he's had several back spinal operations and it's, it's, it's really hard, isn't it? You talk about being battle ready, you don't know what. Because he was young and healthy and fit, obviously most of us were to some degree in school, but I've known him since 5 years old, like we went to primary school, everything. So it's been a long time and you just, you just don't know which direction life will take people, you really don't. To the stage where I'll see people who already look like they're in their 50s and they're not there, you know, they're in their 30s and early 40s and they're just. Life is just cutting them to pieces, mate. And I guess that the big thing is really asking yourself a question and aligning with what it is that you, you do want inside of your life. And too often people just Allow life to pull them through. And it's not so much about that, jk, because you lose the ability to actually create life and navigate and steer your own ship. I mean, I'm sure you've heard the saying just on your last point there. It's better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one than to have an opportunity and not be prepared. I'd like to just expand on that. It's better to be prepared for life and what life might have for you around the corner, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Because then you're not staying in constant worry or fight or flight mode, but you're also, you know, not just sitting on your hands thinking that about a good run. You know, I think we'll just keep kicking along and everything's all right. I'm solid enough, I'm good enough, I'm fit enough. I've got a knee that, you know, technically is completely destroyed with no meniscus, no cartilage, bone on bone. I go and see specialists, and they're just amazing. Like, how are you even here? Hey, sorry we can't do anything for you. Which. So that was a. That's been happening for a few years, and I think I stopped that pursuit and 2019, because, like, well, why do I keep seeing all these specialists about stem cell and prp? Money's going great. I talk to my knee, you know, like, I have a relationship with the consciousness of the cells inside of that knee and whatever remains. I obviously work hard on my ankle and my hip and I work on the muscles around that. I stay active. And so even I, being someone who might be perceived through society as fit, healthy and strong with something on an internal traumatic issue that I've got there, you can't stop, man. Like, it's, it's. You must always prepare for all that life has to give you. And then if the things that are troublesome or troubling you or challenging or an adversity comes your way, you're prepared. If something great comes your way, you're prepared. If life is cruising, you're prepared. Either way, you're prepared to acknowledge and appreciate and just breathe and be grateful. And it's one of the 10 points in the last podcast episode. Be grateful, not wasteful. That's never come to me before. One, because like you said, I hate waste. But two, I used to actually adopt the mindset of. Of be grateful but unsatisfied, because that's how you stay hungry, right? I'm like, well, hang on a minute. Does that Mean, I don't have any satisfaction for what I've achieved. And this is the problem with things like Black Magic in the words that we speak and looking back on. And that's awesome with Benny's charity too, by the way. We'll definitely get details. I mean, if you could look up, you know, would that site be up, Bounty for the beard? Or is there a site for that, JK even. Maybe you could look that up on a. On a search engine or. I wonder if you can, because if not, we'll definitely get details if you guys want to hit us up at admin. Yes, it is there, actually. If you type it in a search engine, bang, it's the body shop comes up first. Jk, Men's grooming products. And then what a crazy.

You can get those products from the dad Strong store. So go there.

Yeah, we've got you covered there, gents. And then, yeah, it's the second one. Bounty for the beard fathering project. Fantastic. That's awesome, man. Yeah, that's all there. Yeah, that's amazing.

Bounty for the beard.

Just Google it. Definitely check that out. But you know what's an interesting point about what you said on fatherhood, and this is why I. And I was happy to obviously let you talk about the fathering project. But what I was saying is you're a father yourself. You're part of hpf. You're part of the fathering project. And I was going to ask you a question. But before I ask that question, I just want to touch on what you're talking about with fatherhood and the significant increase in the wellbeing of children. Children. I saw an interview over in the U.S. ironically, literally three days ago, and it was a white man talking to a black man. And the black man was Larry Elder. And the white man, I'm not saying he was provoking, because this has nothing to do with race, but what he was doing was he was suggesting and talking about systemic racism and how that's destroying the black man and black people and so on and so forth. And Larry said, give me. So this is the black man saying, give me an example. What does he do? He goes, the white man goes for the kill and police. And police brutality. He's like, okay, expand on that. And he couldn't. And then he goes, give me more examples. Give me another one. And then Larry went on again, what I'm saying here has nothing to do with racism. And Larry proved that point. He rattled off all the stats. He said, do you know what the problem is with These low socioeconomic places and so on and so forth. And speaking about black neighbors, by the way, he's like, you know what the biggest problem is? And this has been proven, proven with numbers, with maths, with like with studies, with the scientific side of things. From not just the way these young men are neurologically wired or being an at risk youth and all of that. He's like 70, over 75% of them did not have a father figure. And this was. And that's what caught my. Because listening's like, this is interesting. It's almost like role reversal. And then Larry started dropping this stuff. I was like, man, man. And he's talking like, wow, obviously it makes sense to me. But he was talking about specific statistics in a part of a country I don't even live on and a part of the country I've never been before. But he was saying exactly what you're saying then, man. He's like, studies and everything has shown the greatest thing is not the color of your skin or where you live. It's did you have a father in your life who had. Or a fathering figure who had a profound and leadership mentorship, coaching, guidance, hero, whatever word you want to use, effect on your life. And that was the argument and that's what Larry was talking about. And maybe that leads into the question I was going to ask here because your experience with hpf, with the fathering project, obviously being father yourself and being friends of other men who are fathers, what do you think men out there who are fathers need? Like, what do you think the biggest problem or the biggest struggle or the biggest challenge is for men, men and fathers today? And you can talk about politics and feminism and all these other things that tries to cut down the family nucleus. I get that this isn't conspiracies. There's definitely different agendas on things that pull away. Manhood, toxic masculinity, all the other BS we hear. But for the man inside of himself and what he can control and do, what do you think's the biggest? Is it a tribe? Is it having the right environment? Is it having direction, knowledge, educate? Like, what do you think that men are struggling with the most out there in the world today? JK on that, what do you think they need?

The world has changed, which has changed fathering and fatherhood. But all the things that fathers struggle with are things that are these man made constructs that have been injected into society. So if you were to strip all of that away, whether it be devices, digital, technology, work, however the industrial revolution and how it sent men into mines and factories. And one of my favourite Australian authors, Steve Biddoff, he's got a book called the New Manhood, which I'd encourage anyone to go out and read or get on an audio book, if you go right back. Primal. Men's job was to be hunter gatherers with other men. And they would bring the children at an age where they were reliant on their mothers, but then when they were no longer reliant on their mothers, that they would come into manhood and they would surround themselves with other men. And generationally, two world wars which decimated male populations and made a lot of families, children particularly fatherless, because they'd lost fathers at war. That was a big impact. But all the distractions and the sedations and things that we're encountering are other pain points for parents, but particularly for fathers. So what men need is other men. They need to be in a tribe, they need to be surrounding themselves with other men that value the same things they do. And they need to get alongside their young people. One of the things I encourage men to do particularly is you need to work out where you're standing in relationship to your children. Sometimes your children will need you standing in front of them, them to guide and lead them. Sometimes your children will need you beside them, right or left, to walk with them, alongside them through something. And then at other times, your children will need you behind them, out of their way, letting them take their own steps. But you have their back, literally, you are right behind them. And each situation and circumstance will be different. But men need to, to work out where do we stand with our kids, where are we orientated with them? Are we in front of them, pushing everything out of the way? Just like, I'll clear a path for you, I'll introduce you to this person, I'll get you a job, I'll do it. No, no, no. Children want resilience. They need to suffer some setbacks. So you can't just clear the path. It's a beautiful story, Al of a father that was walking in the snow and it was soft snow and it was deep, and every step that he took, his foot plunged down and he was like, this is hard for me as an adult male. And he's walking, making these footprints, and he thought, if I'm going to do this well, I should take longer steps and try and get through it as quickly as possible. The more steps I take, the less times I sink, the less energy I need to use to get my foot out to get to the next step. And as he was doing that, he was partway through his journey across the soft snow, and he stopped and he looked back and it was his son behind me, him that was trying to make the same steps and put his feet into the same holes that his father had made in front of him. And when he looked back and saw that his son was struggling to make the jump, the gap, to get into the same footprints in the snow, the father shortened his stride and went, well, if I take smaller, shorter steps, then the people that are behind me can step in my steps and we'll get through this together. Children, whenever you fill out a government form, they call our children dependents. How many dependents do you have that your children are dependent on you? And that's only for a short period of time. And maybe the government sees it as 16 or 18, but then you become independent and you've got your independence because you're no longer under the roof or the control of your parents anymore. We then arrive at a point later in life where we realize that we need to be interdependent on each other. And that's one of the things that I think, particularly in the U.S. but all around, and Australia is no different, is that children need their fathers, no doubt, but fathers need their children, too. We talk about the men's mental health crisis, and the statistics are damning and they're shocking. Eight Australians suicide a day, on average. Of those eight, six of them are male. And of the six that are male, three of them are fathers that have a custody dispute or are in family law courts being wrestled with around access to their children. And for those that are listening to this, if that is your situation, you have my sympathy and empathy for that situation.

Of course.

I've seen and worked with men, and I know that it's a horrible, horrible road to walk. And you can't be alone to do that. You need to be with men that can support you. Not to battle your ex and think. But children are watching us. They watch us every single day intently, and they see how you cope and react and respond to the crises that impact your life. So I think it's really important that we shorten our stride. We make sure that we know where we're orientated for our children, whether they're in front, beside or behind us, or whether we're in front, beside or behind them, and that we spend more time together. That is key. I think that's what dads need. Dads need to spend as much time with their children you effectively have 12 summers from birth to the age of 12 to build a bond with your children. And if you haven't got a foundation and a firm bond with your kids by the age of 12, then you're going to find their teenage years and adolescents really difficult, really difficult, because they move from that dependent to independent much quicker. And dads like to try and keep that control. And it's that gray area between them wanting to get out and you wanting to stay connected, but not investing the time early in their life over those first 12 years when they really did want to know you and did want to hang out with you. But now that they're getting to high school, they're more into it, the impact on their lives is more profound through their peers and teachers and sports coaches and the Internet and social media and all of those things. Wrestle for their intention and their validation. And if a father hasn't spoken into the lives of their kids from birth all the way through to about 12, then the research shows that you are going to find it really difficult to maintain a good connection and bond with your children in their high school and adolescent years. So don't waste the time, don't wait. You know, if your kid comes to you and says, dad, can we play? You say yes. You say yes to them and no to the things that are taking you or distracting you from the time that you spend. That's what the Fathering Project does. Our core business is to partner with schools primarily, primarily primary schools, but also early learning centres and high schools, and give dads more opportunities to connect with their kids. So a child's whole world, really, and you're experiencing it with your three kids as they grow. Albert. Really, where they spend their time is family and home and school and learning. And we're just trying to get those two circles to bump into each other a little bit more often and overlap so that a child knows these two places where I spend a lot of my time at school and at home, they're on the same page, they're connecting and they want the best for me and they're working together to give me the best start in life. So if men are interested in that, they can just Google the Fathering Project. Or, yeah, if they want to know more, they can reach out to you or through me. My email is just John the Fathering Project. So if you're interested, flick me an email John at thefatheringproject and I can help you with that. But the more important thing is that dads are connecting with their kids as Often as they can can because when the storm comes and crisis hits, it's the dads that are distant from their kids that end up in crisis and a disaster ensues.

Great points there too jk and probably two sides of the same coin from what I got in takeaways. One is we're being pulled in all these different directions which is what is one of the biggest problems as a father and man in this world. And things like the justice system and whatnot holds very little justice for men. So the odds are stacked against us in many ways, gentlemen. And that's why a tribe and having people around you is vital and controlling what you can and developing and building yourself as best as you can and having a great energy and capacity perform. But then on the flip side of that is presence with your children and knowing where you stand with them and where you need to stand with and for them too. It's just like many of us don't have the answers. The more we know, the more we don't know. That's the same applies exponentially for our children. Which is why when they are saturated, because that is the word mate. When they're saturated through entering their adolescence with a multitude of environments, AKA the phone as well and Internet, it's quite daunting in a complete worldview and belief system goes into turmoil for many and obviously chaos and a massive whirlwind for most. So very important points. How do we alleviate getting pulled in all the different directions and what's the byproduct of that? Like I said, two sides of the same coin. It actually means that yes, you have the opportunity to say more yeses to your family. I've got two phones now, mate. Minor because obviously with an online business this is costing me $3 a day to have like it's insane. Why did I not do that earlier? Like now I've got this phone which the other phone all I use is for calling and messaging. So it's useless to the children. There's no desire or attraction. Like it's a great phone. Like It's a nice 13x or whatever. It's a great phone but it's useless. It's got nothing else on it except for texting and calling. And that's the phone that might sit somewhere at home, either on the table or in the office. The other one gets hidden or put away as soon as my work switches off. Bang, man. That is it. That is done. So it still allows me opportunity to use for my live videos and to do content and social Media what I need to. To spread the message, to grab men who are being distracted because you're there. Anyway. Cool. Let's pull you through. And if you are a member on our side, fantastic. Use a different medium, whether it's the podcast, whether it's our apps that we use to connect and have the right ecosystem, but very valuable tool because it allows me to say yes to my children way more than the distractions or even them being lured into what they've already seen to go, hey, a phone's a good thing. I want it. It's like, no, it's boring. This is what I use to, you know, to. To make sure I check in on how you're going by calling mum and to catch up and we can do video. That's it. That's. That is it. And by saying no to all those things to try and pull me away, jk, I can keep saying yes to my children. I guess. I'd love to. Two more points, mate. It's been a phenomenal episode. I've really enjoyed this with you and you have many, many different words which it's really Sing home and hit through to my heart too, mate. And hopefully this has been of high value for those listening or watching. What are some of the greatest things that you've gotten out of hpf? I'd love for you to share. What do you love most about high performance, Father and what we do? What's been some of the greatest things that you've seen impact and influen your life or that which would influence or impact another man's life? And then to wrap up, we might just, you know, get your thoughts or final bits of advice for a man listening out there and one thing that he can do and how he can turn it around.

Wrap up. I thought this was still the intro.

Yeah, wrapping up the intro. Sorry, mate. Yeah, that's right. Gotcha. This is a one and a half hour intro. We're going to get into the episode.

I'm not a very materialistic man now, but when I joined, I tell you what, it was great to receive a welcome to kit and it makes men feel valued. You said, what size shirt would you need? And I sort of said, I don't, I don't know, mate, what size do they do? They come in. But you know, I love wearing the merch, the wristband. I like, I like the, the water bottle, the. My zone. Oh, mate, this, this heart rate monitor and the community that's built around that and the maps that you can go out and. And Earn and how it keeps you accountable. And you can see what other men are doing in their. The activities that they're taking on as well, you know, and the bag. So, you know, being made to feel welcome with that gift when I joined was fantastic. The journal that's recently arrived, the supplements, having that Knight Rider and Mojo is fantastic. Part of my routine as well. Some protein powder, all of that sort of stuff has been fantastic. I've really enjoyed that because it has changed my identity. People sort of, you know, they see what you wear. My kids see me with my journal. My wife has a tea with me.

Yeah.

So those things are all good. But when you cut the materialistic parts of it away, what I really value is the relationships and the community and the connection. There are men in my life now from three, three months that I've been with that I feel like I've known for years. Because we're not superficial, we're not at this surface level if we're just, you know, like, we're not talking about the weather, we're not discussing the footy scores. We're not. I mean, I'm not a gambler. I think you gamble with the money that you can afford to lose. And for those that love a punt, good on you. But this whole bet with mates thing, I mean, that's good, that's good marketing. I don't imagine it would have flown too well in the marketing meeting when they said, what if we call it Lose with Mates? Do you think that will go? Do you think that will go well? No, probably not. And the thing for my mates, that punt, they only ever talk about their wins. No one ever says, oh, I had money on that and I lost X dollars. They're always happy to chirp about the things that they've that have brought them a return. But the thing I like is we're all gambling on ourselves in this group by doing things that are guaranteed to bring about wins. And that's what we discuss. We talk about the wins, you know, win the morning, win the day, hashtag rise to win. It is so good when that alarm goes off at 5:55 and I hit stop on my alarm, one of the first things I'll do is then jump into the chat, chat and put hashtag rise to win. And then I might make up a few other hashtags that are a bit nonsensical, like over Easter, what was it? Hot cross guns and no Big Easter and. And some other things. But there's a community of men that are also awake around Australia that are putting on their workout clothes. You know, they're lacing up their shoes and they're getting out for a walk or they're in the home gym or they're. They've gone off, off and done a workout at their gym and you can see what they're doing and you can see the change. But there's also some struggles. Men are saying, look, I've got this going on and you know, I'm needing help with this. One of the. I got paired up with a great guy and I was chatting with him this morning and I know you're going to get him on soon. He won't mind me saying, but Mike Killington, you're going to have a chat with him soon. He is inspirational. And I listened to podcasts before I joined hpf and you had a podcast with Amesbury and I get to see what Amesbury shared. Amesbury shared something today and I've turned my phone off so it's not going to be interrupted. But it was just so. The quote that he shared this morning was just brilliant. There's another one that people have shared like marriage is hard. Divorce is hard. Choose your hard. Obesity is hard. Being fit is hard. Choose your hard.

Hard.

Being in debt is hard. Being financially disciplined is hard. Choose your hard. Communication is hard. Not communicating is hard. Choose your hard. Life will never be easy. It'll always be hard. But we can choose our heart, so make sure you pick wisely. And what I decided to do was pick this tribe as being something that I wanted to be involved in. And it is a tide, Alex. You, you get swept up in it and you just all move along, but you know that you're orientated correctly as the alignment coach. It is so true. I used to be someone that wouldn't start something until I could see every stepping stone in the finish line. Now life isn't a sprint total. There are sprints in life, sure. But when you line up at the Olympic games on the 100 meter track and you can see the finish line 100 meters away, sure, go for it. But there's no marathon in the world that has a start line and a finish line that you can see from the start line, you have to line up, you have to get on the start line and get into it. And when you're running and you're going along, I did the city to surf a couple of years ago when I was doing my weight loss and doing that Project 28 thing. And as I was running along, there would be other people that would be Running faster than me. Good on them. They're fitter than me. There would be other people that I would be passing. But you know what felt good? When I was on Heartbreak Hill and I was running and I was starting to slow a little bit and someone had come along and they just pat you on the back and the endorphins that you could feel it course through your veins, you just go, feel good now. And it just gives you the spur, the spurt of energy and spur you on to keep going. And that's what the tribe's doing. Each one of us is encouraging the other to keep on their journey and their path because we're all orientated correctly. I said to some of the guys the other week that being correctly orientated to the right goal in the right direction is more important than progress. Because if you are progressing fast but in the wrong direction, then you're going to have further to travel when you realize you've got to do a U turn and come back the other way to get to where it is that you need to be be. And we just know that there are men all around Australia that are incorrectly orientated. They think that the most important thing is the promotion or upgrading their car or moving to another suburb that's got a wealthier status attached to it. All of those things ultimately don't matter. They don't matter to your kids. Your kids don't care whether you're driving a Mitsubishi or a Mercedes. Like, it's not important to them. And they're not going to talk about that when they give your eulogy at your funeral. I didn't talk about the cars that my dad owned when I talked about how much he loved me. His name was Jeff, Jeff with a G. That's how he would introduce himself. And I then went through his eulogy and I gave 10 adjectives to describe him that all began with the letter G. That he was a giver of good gifts, that he was gracious, that he was gentle, that he was. He was a guide. All of these things. That's what I was able to say about him. I said that he died in January 2021. He died of kidney disease. Alex. He was a dialysis patient for the last seven years of his life. For the last two years, he was bedbound. He couldn't walk. I don't want that for me. But if that's my case in life, when I am lying down and I can't walk or I'm disease ridden, riddled with cancer, I don't want to regret my 40s and my 50s and the time that I've got left, I want to use that time well, well, so that if I am ever incapacitated and there's a time in my life where life is hard, I go, well, at least I did the things that I could, when I could to make this as good as it can be for my family. So they're things that I'm really enjoying about the tribe. I think it's an incredible community. It's of high value. I had to work out what I would say no to, to say yes to this.

This.

It is an investment, but it has saved me money. But more than the money, it's going to save me time and energy. I'm getting time back. But the things that I've cut out of my life. I've got some mantras now, Alex, like I don't eat food that is served to me through my car window. So I'm not going to drive. I'm not getting maccas and KFC and a porto or whatever. That that's gone. And the money that I'm not spending on, on that. I've not stopped spending money there and then put it somewhere else. That's negative. I've re channeled that money into myself through my subscription on membership. I asked myself things like, did it grow in the sun for the food that I want to eat? Does this have a barcode or a nutritional panel? What Ken shares with us? Man, that guy is a lady legend. Ken Lavender. If you haven't, go back and listen to any podcast that Alex has done with him. I said I wouldn't swear with on the podcast, Alex, but one of the things I chuckled about is when Ken said, if you don't have four minutes in your day to do breathing, you can go and fuck right off. So there you are. We're one all now. But it's changed my life. Like the whole just the breathing thing. Like, we've talked about death a lot in this podcast us. When you die, what is one of the things that they check for to confirm that you're dead? That you have stopped breathing. So every day that you are alive, spend four minutes intentionally, deliberately concentrated on the one thing that people will use to evaluate whether you are no longer present in this world. Your breath. They'll take your pulse. You talked earlier about the States and Black Lives Matter and police brutality and this sort of thing. The one thing I've learned about fathers, regardless of their background or age, is that they love their kids. But if you cut Them, they all bleed red. And so it's your husband. And that's what I want to see men all around the country doing, is connecting their head, their heart and their hands so that they think, feel and act and do things that are purposeful for the benefit of themselves, their family and their service. And you have nailed it. So I'm so grateful and appreciative for the, for the community that I'm a part of. And some people may only need it for a short time to give them the kickstart. And I think thought, you know, 12 months would be good for me, but I'm not, I'm not leaving this. This is something for life. Like, you just want to be a part of it. Why would you leave? Why would you say, oh, that's all, I don't need any help anymore. I'm just going to go back out on my own and continue on. Thanks for the memories. Like, no, this is. I'm meeting men that I just want to stay connected to. And the new guys, mate, that join, like, oh, the way the lights turn on in their eyes, you see their intro videos and they just share their stories and then they get this flood of comments after they've introduced themselves about how hard that might have been or congratulations or good share or welcome or great to have you a part of this. Social media is a dark, dirty, seedy place and a lot of the way men just cut each other down the keyboard warriors. You've talked about how you add, get these trolls that come out and it doesn't happen in the tribe. It's just people pumping each other up, supporting them, keeping them accountable. I couldn't think of a better place for men to be.

It's an amazing share, John, and appreciate the words mate. I really do. It's very inspiring and very powerful. You know, like, it's. It's one of the reasons why I've had a few people ask, like, man, how do you take the hits like that on. On social media? I'm like, what hits? Right? Like, it's almost like I'm in a different ring. It doesn't even exist. Because for me to say yes to acknowledging any of those malice or detrimental comments that essentially mean nothing. One, I can't take it personally because I don't know who I am or our program and have nothing to do with this. But two, for me to say yes, that would mean that I would have to say and acknowledge that as being the truth would immediately mean, oh, yeah, this guy's right, let's shut it all up down may not be saying no to everything you just shared. Then the tribe, the comments, that it's incredibly inspirational. So anytime when those comments pop up, it's simply a case of, yeah, that's cool, man. That might be his worldview and his viewpoint or opinion, which is one, cast through assumptions because he obviously doesn't know the facts. But two, why would I take any of that on board when I see what we have on the inside side with what you've just shared, jk and it's like, man, it is literally changing lives in a ripple effect where it's like another father saved is another family. You know, another father winning, another father thriving is another family saved. Right. You look at it that way and it's not about being a savior. I certainly don't look at myself that way and I'm very, I'm very open with, with my position on things. But this isn't the owl show. This isn't about Alex Renieri. Simply someone who's one of the tribesmen who. My skill set is channeling and connecting and modeling and leading through example. Just like all of us, mate. It's a group of leaders and it is very powerful. Actually, when you mentioned Amesbury, I had a quick look here. And here we are. The Thursday. Obviously those listening to the podcast won't see me looking down. Put my phone here. The Thursday 19th May, 4.36am Troy Quinlan. Rise to win. Matt Bennett. Rise to win. Michael Bunt. Rise to win. Glenn Mason. Rise to win. In Shane answers. Ben Henry. Mike Killington. There he is. We'll get him on and then Shane is sharing his supplements. Here he is. 5:57am Took you two minutes. JK, how far away is the phone from your bed, mate? 5.57am Rise to win. And there's Troy daughter picture. Did you scroll through? Like it's just man, like it's. The podcast will go for two hours if I scroll through this, but I think this is the comment from Ames. Correct. A diet is not only what you eat, it is what you watch, what you listen to, what you read and the people you hang around ground with. Be mindful of the things you put into your body, emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. It all matters.

Amen.

Like mate.

Yes.

So there's guys training in the morning. Morning. The. The sun rising as aims. Doing the. The Shaka symbol. Yeah.

The five years I spent as a primary school teacher, I learned this. And I know your wife's a primary school teacher too, so she, she'd connect with this. But students don't care how much you know know until they know how much you care. The same can be applied to fathers and their children. Children don't care how much you as a dad know until you show them as a dad that you care for them. But Dave Lee shared something on the Friday Night Lights about and, and this probably links to the people that might listen to your podcast and, and, and have some sort of narky thoughts about it or the comments that come in on your ads as well. And right. Is that your first mistake is caring what they think until you think that they care. So you've got to understand people's motivation and their heart. And often whatever they're writing, it's just a mirror. They're just holding up a projection of the things that they talk to themselves. One of the greatest cut throughs I had in the first four weeks with you is that whole and I'm going to get one, I'm going to go to one on you here is that shit talking yourself. You've got to like yourself because you're the only person that spends 24 hours a day, seven days a week with you. You can't escape yourself. You can't remove yourself from your thoughts. And I'm constantly thinking and chatting to myself. I'm like, if those conversations that I have with myself aren't positive, if I'm talking myself down or tall popping myself, then I'm failing, I'm losing. So. So I'm not just there talking about the things that I'm great at, but I acknowledge the things that I need to do better at. But I don't just leave them at intentions. You move them to actions. My dad used to say I'm a very thoughtful person. I think about doing this and I think about doing that, but that's where it finishes at a thought. And so if you're thinking about things but not taking action, then you're just thoughtful, you're full of thoughts. But we want to be more than that. We want to be actionable people, people that are left an impression on others because of the actions that they took and the actions we're taking. As a tribe second to none, there's men that are doing great things for themselves, for their families and for their businesses. And if that's where your head's at, you're going to get a whole lot of time back when you learn how to manage yourself so that you can be the best for your family, yourself and your service.

Yeah, well said said, man. You know, I Had this chat with Corinne last night, actually, because she's. Yeah, she took extended paternity.

She's still talking to you after the podcast.

Yeah, well, she's asking me which blade does she want me to receive next. It's just a weapon of choice. The bandage bandaging should come off tomorrow. But now that she loved it, mate, it was a great. We got a lot of great feedback on that as well, obviously. But it's. I think it got to a point where I said, look, Corinne, you take the reins. You can do that. I've done 200 episodes and they're not five minute sound grabs like I've done. You can, you can take over from now and you can run the podcast. To which she laughed and then sort of looked at me. I was like, no, no, no. I'm just. You're not. Sorry. As much as I loved having you on for episode 200, I do enjoy doing this, but we had a chat last night and she took extended maternity leave for the little man because he is our. Our last. I mean, if you've listened to enough episodes, I'm sure I've said it a few times that the snip has happened. Unless there's some miracle. But we'll see. But yes, we are officially done with the volume of children that we have. So she's looking to return back to work after we said, what's the last one? Take some extended maternity leave. And looking at. She's a little bit nervous going back to work and whatnot. And this is where I said exactly what you said then, jk, about the bad talking yourself. So here's the thing, it's actually two nil, mate, because at the start of the episode, that intro I can cut. I can edit that out and I say that as a joke. I knew exactly what I was saying. So I still haven't sworn for this episode. But anyway, and I've wanted to, man, there've been some real passion. Positive. Positive. We should do an episode at positive swears. Like it's a. There's some very passionate positive swears that I've wanted to bring up through some amazing insights you've shared.

But you're very self controlled.

Yeah. She spoke about. I've just got a jar and it's like to put money in if I swear on JK's episode, you're a time. Yeah. And I said, you know what, Corinne? You're actually so much more alone than you think, but this is a good thing. You need to be okay with your own company. It's why creating space. So taking time out, going for walks, training, investing yourself. When you're journaling, what are you doing, jk, you're writing to yourself for yourself. It might include others or it might positively benefit other people. But I said when you can rack up lots of runs on the board and I'm not. Again, this isn't a negative thing, saying you're born alone, you die alone. I'm with my children every single day, or I'm with you right now, or with the tribe or with our coaches or employees. You need to understand that there's a lot of downtime in between, that even if I'm doing something like after this podcast, processing it, I'm on my own. So what is the voice that's going inside? What are the stories? Well, the story is this has been a insert swear word, amazing podcast episode that's gone for not far off two hours and, and personally, one of my favorites. But this is the voice that you need to nurture. It's not about cutting down. We talk about the little voice inside. He's always going to be there. Raise him up with you. Thank you for sharing with me what not to do. Thank you for sharing a different perspective that I had. A deeper or higher level choose not to accept or absorb. You've shown me the polarity or, you know, or the duality, whatever law or universal energy or language you want, want to call it. Thank you. Because I'll do the opposite. Just like us as fathers. But we want to hope, jk, that we're on the side of showing and modeling our children what's possible, what they can do and what not to do, obviously. But that's what a conversation I had. And she was like, you're right, I don't spend enough time on myself, with myself, for myself. So the thought of actually, because the irony of the story is you're in a classroom filled with children. But she's there earlier, as you know, she's prepping and priming it. So you are on your own. So thoughts are coming in. How will the day go? Can I still teach? Can I still connect? Which child will be good? Which child will be bad? This is what it comes down to. And what you said there, man, like being happy and in love and comfortable with your own company and looking yourself in the mirror. Nothing bad. I promise you this much. As we wrap up, gentlemen, nothing bad is ever going to come if A, you're a relentless action taker, but B, that's off the back of looking in the mirror and going, I'm the man. Today's the day. This is my life. I'm the king of my castle. Please tell me, like, what bad can come of that? That doesn't mean that you're oblivious or ignorant to the adversities life throws you. It doesn't mean you sit on your hands. I said there's two points. You take action with that as well. Nothing bad will come from that man ever. So. So why deny yourself that? Why deny yourself that? Self, appreciation, respect, love, Whatever word you want to feel. If you're, if you're not overly comfortable with using the word love when it comes to yourself, A, that should be a big flag. But B, find a word that suits so you can actually appreciate. And like previous guests, like Dave Lee and like Shannon Branson, be kind to yourself and learn a little bit of self forgiveness. You want to forgive others? Okay, great. Have you done it for yourself? Probably not, but amazing episode. Jk. Let's, let's. Not that I want to mate, but I guess let's. Let's wrap this up with your final thoughts, food for thought, advice, someone sitting on the fence or guys out there who feel like they're stuck. And we know what we do works, man. This is never. Please understand, guys. This is never a direct or aggressive push or try to sell you or anything, but hear it from this man. Like, any thoughts or advice for men out there who are listening to this, who aren't on the inside and what they can do to start moving themselves in the right direction. Oh.

Two words. Join us. Like, you won't regret it, but when you're ready. My work with schools, with the fathering project. I need to say to school leaders, principals and the like that they need. We want to meet you at your point of need, but it needs to be when you're ready. So that's a good point. You spoke with Corinne and the time that she needs to spend on herself, for herself, we all need to do that. But I'll tell you one thing about men that I've observed is, is when a man becomes a father, his. Or actually, let me start with the women. When women become mothers, their social circles quite often dramatically expand because they've got the time off from work and they're in baby clubs and health clinics and Karatani and Tresillian, and they just start to connect. And the thing that they have in common is other children that are the same age and they talk about their sore nipples and all the other stuff and the sleepless nights and changing nappies and, you know, yada, back to men. When men become fathers, their social circles often dramatically contract because they become busy with being dads and all the things that they previously had time for, like being involved in a sports club, whether it be, you know, playing indoor cricket or the soccer team or darts at the pub or whatever they might be doing, playing in a band, they can't do that as much as they used to. Or they try, but then they feel guilty because they're not at home with their wife when they should be doing other things. And what I've found is that being part of this tribe, it's not invasive. You pick it up when you can. If you can't get to one of the live things that are going on every week, then you can just watch it at a time that suits you, hashtag replay. And it's great to be able to read the comments and reflect on that at a time so you can pick it up when it's convenient to you. Yeah, and there's. There's so much that competes for our time and attention. Men work, and we find our identity in our work. Often I would like us to find our identity in being a father first. We know work's important, so stay connected to that because it's a great part of our lives, too. Men were built for that purpose of being engaged. But consider this. If you have a heart attack or you go under the bus, whatever, however your life ends, whatever job you have, your workmates will grieve your loss. But after the funeral, maybe a week or two, your job position will be advertised on seek, and then HR will recruit and they will advertise your role, and they will interview candidates and they will shortlist and then they'll get down to final selections and then they'll make a job offer. And in your job, whatever it is, whether you like Ruben and underground mining or whether you're on a farm or whether you're. Whatever you do, whatever your job is, you can be replaced pretty easily. But in your home, as a husband and a father, your job cannot be advertised on seek. So don't waste the time and opportunity you have to impact the lives that you've created and the person that you've decided to spend your life with and connect to by investing in an environment or a career where you can be replaced. Make yourself irreplaceable to your family and strive to do that each day because that is the greatest legacy that you'll leave. And that's really what I think all of us are trying to do. In life is when we're not here. Have we left the world world a better place than we found it. I think the best way we can do that is through the people that we leave behind. Our legacy is our children and the way that they can then move through their life with the confidence knowing that dad cared for me, dad loved me, dad valued and appreciated me. He wanted to spend time with me. Can you imagine dying and your kids not noticing, you know, oh, well, you know that means I don't get to see him. Well, actually, when did I see him? He was always gone before I got up or, you know, he was always home after we'd had dinner as a family. So do I miss dad now that he's not here? I'd hate for that to be anyone's circumstance and situation. There's no judgment in that out. We don't want fathers to feel guilty about the time that they have to spend at work. When I was a primary school teacher, I had a class 28 students, 14 of them them had family situations where they didn't have their biological father as part of their life or in their home. That's not uncommon. But it was pointed out to me that I spend more time with that child than their own father does because I'm with them Monday to Friday, 9 till 3, 30 hours a week. And some dads don't get to see their kids for 30 hours a week. So if you can do it and if you can't, then whatever time you do get, it is so incredibly precious. So use it well.

Incredible way to finish jk. Thank you man. Well done. Yeah, I hope this has served you guys well listening to this. And if there's one thing I've learned, mate, it is piggybacking off what you said. Then your the pathway to achieving that time and quality with your children and everything above that JK just shared is your environment. Nothing will influence you, your life, your belief systems, anything more than your environment, your environment in your head, your environment, your heart, those around you and those who are in your corner who want you to win. And two things happen when you're immersed in the right environment. You get out of your own way, but you're not here just to go out of my own way now, where you get the opportunity to get out of your own way, but you also get shown the way. You cannot, man, you cannot discredit the importance of that second one, but it is equally as important as the first. You're right, you need to be ready. You need to take that step. Really appreciate your time and thank you again for the shares and the wisdom. And we hope you guys got a lot of value out of it too. You're welcome. And that's a wrap. I hope you enjoyed this episode and got some golden nuggets with possibly one or two aha moments as well. If you truly loved and enjoyed what you listened to, then I want to invite you to share this episode with someone who you know needs to hear this. It could be your brother, friends, colleagues, your uncle, even your wife if there's one. One thing I've learned, it's that none of us are alone in the hardships we face. But the solution to getting back on top winning can start with a gift from someone else. And that gift could be an episode like this because another man transformed is another family saved. Which is exactly what we're all about thriving and winning in life. There is no alternative. It's possible. It has been done. It can be done, so it should be done done. I appreciate your support in spreading this message. Cheers.