233. Restoring Trust & Integrity in Relationships

Hey, if you're someone who really connects to this message and you know there's someone out there who needs to hear this, but they're too proud. The walls are up. You can't show them. No worries. Flick them the link, share this podcast, send them the link. They can listen to it in the car, in the comfort of their own home, behind closed doors, in private privacy, listen, absorb, and you know you are creating impact to change. There are so many people in pain who need to hear this message, who need to empower themselves, take their control and power back and get back in front. Appreciate you all, much respect. Enjoy the episode and again, share the love, spread the love, and let's create impact and change across the world. Cheer. Welcome to a special podcast episode where we've got Fab the man Fabian, who's been involved with HPF in, in various roles for a couple of years now. And I really want to share. We did a session not long ago and it's just gangbusters on the inside of hpf. He's one of our guest experts that we bring in and, well, first and foremost, Fab, thanks for joining us, man. Great to have you.

Yeah, likewise, brother. It's been a been a while between drinks for a party. I think we did one a couple years back where we had a bit of a yarn, but it's good to be back, man.

Definitely, man, definitely. And I know there's. There's so much to offer, so it's like, do we try and cram this in one or do we give an overview and probably do some future sessions that aren't in the two. Decent future, man. I think that would be really good probably to sort out some sort of series, so to speak, because I think there's a lot of value in not only you sharing your own life story, man, because that's, that's pretty cool in itself, but. But also the workings that you've been doing over the years as well and where you are now and. And I think the men are going to get a lot of value out of this. Why? Because typically us as men, the straw that breaks the camel's back as it is, the continual stresses of fatherhood and the plates that keep stacking up, so to speak, and all the things that lead to us. Unfortunately, a not investing in ourselves would be just not having any fucking answer, man. And that's what I love about some of your approaches in what you do, where it just helps these guys sometimes, hey, what to do or what to think. But other times it's More so like how to think and how to approach things. So, yeah, pump for this session, man. Hope you boys are excited. I'm looking forward to this and, and providing obviously, this, this platform for members, non members. Doesn't matter for you men to get some insights into, you know, another expert like Fab to dive into his story and, and share his path and what he does as well. So, man, would love to, I guess, yeah, get just to familiarize yourself because there's obviously a lot of guys in HBF who know you, but there's a lot of guys who don't who listen to this podcast. So, yeah, man, I'd love for you to. To share your background, your story, man, a bit about yourself and I guess what eventually led you into, you know, into the. The pathway that you're on at the moment. Happy to dive in if you want, man, so you don't have to speak for 50. 50 minutes straight, mate.

Well, I can't, mate.

I can.

My wife reckons.

Absolutely, man. Yeah, yeah, exactly the man with that. So awesome, bro.

Thanks, mate. I appreciate being here and, you know, having this opportunity to chat and so, you know, give to. To give the guys context, obviously. Yeah. My name is Fabian. I'm known as the kind of the trauma guy in the space. So I help people with unresolved trauma, whether they're parents, whether they're having relationship breakdowns, whether there's, you know, the kind of. The common theme is usually kind of relationship anxiety, self sabotage, you know, addictive tendencies that are kind of showcasing or toxic behaviors. Kind of the theme that kind of keeps coming to me. And I think the reason why it's a theme is because I was all of that, and I still am some of that to an extent, you know, so, you know, I'm not sitting here to pretend that, you know, I'm all good and, you know, everything that I do in life is perfect. You know, I'm a father of three sons. I get triggered, I make mistakes, I revert back. And so, you know, a lot of my. A lot of my coaching and training is really just about, you know, sometimes just being a couple steps ahead of the people that I help, and sometimes I'm a mile ahead in some areas, you know. So I suppose what led. What led me to get here is this whole notion that, you know, your mess can become your message. And so for me, you know, I grew up in a home where there was a lot of. A lot of unpredictability, which was very predictable. And so, you know, a lot of chaos. A lot of uncertainty in the family dynamics that were playing out, you know, which led to, which led to, you know, different types of trauma, you know, and I kind of speak to kind of big T trauma and little T trauma. Big T trauma being, you know, physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, you know, witnessing something very extreme would be considered a big T trauma. And then little T trauma. We, we all can't escape that. And that's, you know, simple things like separation anxiety as an example, where, you know, mum's got to leave, dropping you off at school and you're just not really ready yet, or, you know, mom hasn't come home yet, or, you know, just, you know, you know, hey, you know, Alex, I'm leaving now. Bye. Mom's going and, you know, she's at the shop because you're not following her. And all of a sudden there's this element of, you know, your, your, your primary caregiver about to leave you. Because that's a strategy that parents utilize to try to influence a child's behavior. All of those kinds of circumstances are considered little T events, you know, so, you know, name calling and things like that. And so for myself in particular, I didn't realize that what I was kind of going through growing up was, was outside of the norm. So for me it was just, you know, parents were fighting and, and my parents were doing the best that they could with the level of understanding that they had. And this, this took me some time to unpack actually, because I had a lot of resentment and a lot of anger towards my parents as I matured and I started to realize, holy fuck, my upbringing wasn't a fucking. A normal upbringing. You know, it was, it was very not normal. But in the scheme of things, they were doing the best that they could. And I didn't realize that as I was progressing and evolving and healing my own stuff. But lo and behold, you know, I found myself kind of growing up and living a lot at other people's homes because it just. There just wasn't much safety in my house growing up. There was lots of love and stuff, but there was lots of unpredictability. And I just, it felt natural for me to be in a lot of other people's homes, a lot of my friends houses. I'd stay there all the time. So I got the opportunity to witness how other families operated. In some cases, it was actually quite similar to what was going on in my home, but I wasn't experiencing any of it because it wasn't me. I wasn't in their Family dynamic. I was a kind of a witness to it, which kind of reaffirmed that what was going on in my home was quite normal. It wasn't until I was at the age of 10 and I started exploring drugs and then started drinking and you know, spending, sleeping at mates houses and drinking and all those kinds of things where it just kind of led me down this path of really not knowing who I was ultimately, you know, this chameleon that was very good at blending in, in, in certain friendship circles. And I was very good at making friends and having kind of contacts everywhere, which kind of was like my security blanket in that if anything went down at home, I knew I'd, I'd have another home to kind of go to. So you know, our last from that was, you know, I birthed, you know, these people pleasing tendencies where I was self abandoning, self sabotaging myself in order to fit in elsewhere so that I had security if I needed it. And so, you know, that perpetuated as I became a teenager and given the environment that I grew up in, I became very aggressive and alcohol was my fuel and I was very, very triggered. And you know, I was the kind of guy that you, you couldn't look at me incorrectly or say the wrong thing, I'd fight you. And so that led me on, you know, on the path of, you know, in and out of criminal system, getting in trouble a lot with the law and you know, and just it sent me spiraling out of control until about the age of 25 where, you know, drugs and alcohol was kind of my thing. I was, I was an electrician at the time, so I had a good job, but all my income was going to my weekends, literally. So I was just like broke come Sunday. Wait for my paycheck, buy what I needed to buy, and then, you know, big weekend bender. And then that was just this cycle and just lots of toxic relationships, lots of women and just, you know, just in a very unconscious state, I'd say. And you know, at the age of 25, I got into some serious trouble and I realized, you know, I needed, I need to kind of get out of this. Like I need to, I can, you know. So I tried therapy, you know, started personal development, decided a change of career. I thought maybe I've got to get out of construction because there's a lot of drugs in that, in that, in that industry. Well, there's drugs in every industry as I worked out afterwards. And so, you know, I got, I got into the path of personal development and I fell into Real estate. And then I found a mentor at the time, and. And then he kind of said to me, fabian, you need. You know, you need to straighten up. You need to play life with a. You know, you need to play things with a straight bat. But it broaden your shoulders a little bit. And he'd realize that there was a gap in. In my, you know, my manhood, in me stepping up to the plate because I just didn't have that kind of father manly blueprint that was sound and solid. And so, you know, thankful to him, I got into the work of personal development, went deep into. Into the neuroscience of things, into neuro, you know, into nlp, Neuro linguistic programming, which helped me dissolve a lot of the stuff from my past. And what's interesting, though, was it was taking full responsibility of things. But I still had this innate resentment, this anger that was still perpetuating. So it was almost like up here I was operating and things were making sense. I'd made peace with my behaviors and all the wrongs that I'd done. But internally, I could still feel this friction, this tension, this suppression of self. And it wasn't until became a father where the volcano finally erupted. Know, I really got the slap in the face because I was still behaving in certain tendencies. I still wasn't fully aligned yet. I still wasn't, you know, walking the walk, talking the talk, so to speak. But it was when I became a dad to. To my eldest, Leo, where it's like, so this whole. My whole life, I was like, I don't want to be anything like this person, this person in my family, and that person in my family. But what was happening unbeknowingly was I was actually still showing up in those ways in which I'd grew up in. And so simultaneously, I was saying, this is what I don't want to be. But simultaneously, that's how I was being. And so that. That led me on a path. You know, I spiraled out of control into a bit of depression. Couldn't get out of bed, really struggling with my sense of self. Like, you know, I'd be. I'd sit in a meeting like this as an example, Al, and I just wouldn't feel deserving of being in this kind of sit in this kind of setting. You know, I might be chatting to an old boss or a boss, and I'd be like, fuck, what am I doing here? I feel like a kid. I don't deserve this. It was just this intern dialogue of lack of self worth, lack of belonging. And, you know I'm not good enough to be a father and all this kind of stuff. And it was just like. And so I couldn't get out of bed, you know, I ended up getting lead poisoning through this whole journey, which led me on a path of, you know, looking at nervous system regulation. I met a guide a few years back who said, I kind of know what's going on for you. And so I'd done all the cognitive work, and this might resonate to a lot of the guys that are listening who have kind of read the books, done the podcasts, done some personal development, maybe done some counseling, some therapy. Maybe they've gone down the woo path of spiritual, like the ayahuasca ceremonies and all those kinds of things, but are still struggling with this kind of inner void, which is what I was struggling with. It's like, fuck, I still don't feel like I belong. What's wrong with me? Like, this common theme that I had was like, what the fuck is wrong with me? Like, you know, on the surface, on the world, people would see me as this, you know, great achiever and successful in real estate, but inside, I was like, I didn't even know who the fuck I was. Just felt like a massive facade, you know? And when I was sharing that I wasn't feeling well or that I was broken or lost, the people that had me up on a pedestal were just so confused. They're like, dude, you're the one who knows everything. You sought everything out. Like, this is just not making sense. And people didn't really know how to help me. Thankfully, I met my guide, and he said, dude, you've got, you know, your nervous system's. You know, you can't. And one thing that he said to me was, you can't talk your way out of a feeling problem. And that really stuck with me, that the issues are in the tissues. And he's like, you can do all the cognitive work you like, in and around thinking about your past and changing the meaning of events that have taken place. But what I discovered was that all of these events that had taken place in my life, all of these big T's and little T's, were actually imprints that had been stuck onto my nervous system that were still getting activated even to this day. And so the reason why I struggled to get out of it was because, you know, our nervous system, we. We relate to the world through our nervous system. All of our relationships are relating through our nervous system. We did this since we were babies, and we do this as adults. Now and what's really powerful was that what I discovered is that we tend to recreate the environments that we grew up in. So whatever was familiar to us growing up, whether it was chaos, whether it was uncertainty, unpredictability, we recreate in our lives. And this is what we see with anxiety and self sabotage. And it's like, why can't I get out of this? You know, you make progress and then you fall back in a hole. You make progress and then you fall back in a hole. It's because our nervous system wants to recreate what it is familiar with. Because what is familiar is actually safe, even though the dynamic may not have been safe. Like if you step back and look at it, it's like you go, fuck, that's not safe. Witnessing violence and, you know, all the kinds of things that I've seen and other people may have seen, but the nervous system wants to pull you back in. And so as you progress and as I progressed every, every level up brought the devil up. As I embarked to become more and step up to that next level, the voice got louder. It got harder and harder and harder and I just kept getting pulled down until finally I broke three. I broke free. And so, yeah, that's a little bit of the journey, brother. That led me down the path of, you know, neuroscience, polyvagal theory, and really kind of integrating, you know, I'd spent multi, six figures on different personal development programs, different courses to understand. I wanted to be a psychologist ultimately because I wanted to work out why what was happening in my childhood, why that was happening so that other children didn't have to grow up in a similar environment that I grew up in and that. So that was my whole thing. But unbeknowing, I was becoming a rescuer. I was the broken coach because I fell into coaching, obviously, but I was the broken coach who was attempting to serve other people who still needed to heal himself. And we see this all the time like, you know, people that aren't actually in alignment, that are, you know, offering a service that they actually haven't embodied themselves. And I was out at the start and so my business was just up and down, up and getting momentum, self sabotage, getting momentum, and then, fuck, I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy. And so, you know, it made me realize that, fuck, in order for me to do this work, I need to become the fucking work. I need to actually embody it. And so, and alas, that's where I am now. I feel like I'm at the phase of not Totally embodiment. Like there's moments, as I said to you, where I'll fall out, I'll get triggered, I'll revert back into something that's unresolved in me. And. But now, you know, what used to take months or years or weeks will take a day or a few hours or a few minutes in getting me back into alignment so that I can actually be present in the moment. So. So, yeah, that's a little bit about the background. And now I work with, you know, kind of people that are similar to me. They're high performers. They have worked in industries where they are, you know, they've, the work has been their identity, so you know, doing really well in one area in their life. But there's, there's, you know, friction in another area. Their health either is deteriorating or their relationships are falling apart, or there's this innate void that they are trying to complete themselves with the work that they do. And so, you know, and they've tried different modalities, but it's still not landing for them. And they're the types of people that I, that are kind of, you know, approaching me in that, hey, I need help. I need to fix this. You know, just. I just don't feel right. I feel kind of off centered.

Yeah, it's fascinating, man. And what an opener. You know, what I'm hearing you say though, is like a lot of men can go out and a lot of people in general can get the information and the application from a theoretical and logical and mindset point of view, but it seems like it runs much deeper than that. And what you said all makes sense. I love the session you did where it was like restoring trust and integrity in relationships. And that whole piece really came back to the fundamentals of what goes on inside the individual in themselves. And then that contributes to any external relationship and sitting on the in self for a little bit longer here. Why do you. Is, is that why there seems to be this tussle? Because there's, there's a couple of different types of people. Right. As you would be aware of, there are people out there who are completely unconscious. Like, they wouldn't even be listening to this. They wouldn't even know stuff like this exists. Yeah. Then there are people who, who don't know the mechanics, like what you've just described. Yeah, very elegant, elegantly, mind you. Like, I'm sure you guys understood what Fabian was talking about there, where they're like, yeah, I've got this.

It's like a tussle.

I Want to be this, but I keep defaulting back to this. And then why. And a lot of you men listening to this, that's critical, man, because you end up yourself up self sabotage as, as Fab said. Why is there this tussle man, like there was with you? Is it because of that, the entire nervous system thing you're talking about? Is it because of like the what, what? Well, I guess question is. No, sorry, you've already answered that. What, how do you. Is that the case? It's just simply a matter of, hey, you know, you've got deep seated patterns that are familiar from birth and even if it's, even if the default is, is detrimental, it's familiar so it feels safe. So the system will then buy into that and try and recreate it. Yeah, but what, how do we get.

Out of it then, man?

Like, you've obviously done a lot of work. What I heard with Polyvagal tends, I'm thinking that's Vegas system stuff. But. Yeah, but I'm open to your thoughts, man, with that obviously, like you communicate really, really well. So I'm sure it's not going to confuse these men, but.

Yeah.

What's, what's the process then? What, what do, what do we do to read? Not just relive.

Sure. Yeah. It's interesting because as I said before, that we actually relate to the world through our nervous systems. And so, you know, in the context of what does that actually look like if you're a baby that is being held by your mother and she's breastfeeding you and you're three months old, you don't have language yet, right? Like you don't speak words, you don't really understand that many words. You kind of, you know, so then it's like, well, how do we relate to the world? And so it's like, well, initially you're being held by your mother and so you're attempting to do what's called a tune. So there is, you know, there's this whole concept, there's this whole notion of secure attachment and authenticity and the reason why I struggle to find myself and most other people struggle to truly find themselves. And there's this kind of, you know, you get to third and you're like, fuck, who am I? What am I doing? Where am I at? There's all this judgment of where I am versus where I could be. And. But who am I? And there's this whole, you know, that's what they call the midlife crisis. Right. What I discovered was that, you know, this this whole notion of that a child requires secure attachment in order to survive, right? So as a baby you need secure attachment, you need somebody that's going to feed you to stay alive. As a five year old boy, you need a secure attachment at home. Because if you don't have a secure attachment at home, how the fuck are you going to take care of yourself? You can't just go out in the street, get a job and find a place and start moving somewhere at the age of five. The challenge is though, that we have what's called authenticity. So this true, true, authentic self. And as a child, a child's process of learning is through discovery, you find out who you are. Through discovering, through picking up things, through attempting stuff, you discover more about yourself. The problem is that in our childhood is there is a competition that plays out between you wanting to fully express yourself as Alex as a five year old boy, Fabian as a five year old boy, and the dynamic of your parents who are either unconscious to whatever they've got going on in their unresolved traumas. And so if you start behaving and you start performing because all of a sudden you've got this innate performance, you know, thing inside of you and your dad is just not really ready for that because he's in his own mind and he's ticking away and worrying about bills and all these other crap. You start getting a little bit more loud and he's like, shut up, quieten down. And he starts to kind of hose you down a little bit. You. A child begins to realize that it's no longer safe to fully express themselves, to discover themselves, because they learn very quickly. Hey, if you keep doing that, you're going to go to your room. Hey, if you do that, you're not going to Johnny's joint. Hey, you're not going to get that for your birthday. Hey. And this is a classic one, Alex, if you keep misbehaving, mate, Santa's not going to come. So a lot of the parenting strategies back in the day, unbeknownst to them, were effective in if we just withdraw love from the child, we can correct their behavior if we take things away from them. So if you think about that, it's like every time things are getting taken away from you, whether it's a toy and that's an easy one, like, okay, the toy. But then, hey, if you do that, mom's not going to be happy, I'm not going to be happy with you. Love is being withdrawn. So if you think about it, it's like this child who all he needs, all she needs is secure attachment to parents that like, hey, I'm going to love you no matter what. Yeah, you might play up but I'm still going to love you. That message is never getting through. So the child begins to adapt and go, I need to change my personality here because this version of me that's showing up, they're not loving that. And if I keep going, I don't even know if I'm going to be safe here. So child self abandons themselves in the, in, in the pursuit of secure attachment. So they'll alter their behavior and identity, they'll suppress parts of themselves to appease mum and dad. Now alas, here we are 30 years later going, well who the fuck am I? We can't be authentic. We have people pleasing tendencies, we have anxiety in relationships and all these other things because whatever we have suppressed gets expressed in unhealthy ways. And so talking to this concept of like, you know, how, what do we do about this? The challenge is that you can't think your way out of that feeling problem. And that's where a lot of the challenge lies, is people are trying to play the game from the neck up where it's actually somatically integrated into the nervous system. And so the first thing that we actually have to do is to find a way to create safety again in the body. So if we can't find a way for us to feel safe again in our body, then it's very hard to let anything else in or let anything else out. So we'll constantly keep having these, these responses. And so going back to the baby, you know, breastfeeding guys thinking, well, why did he bring that up? Well, attunement and secure attachment happens at that point because if you've got mom that's sitting there, who's got ptsd, or she's had a really troubled birth, or she's got unresolved stuff and she's just in her head constantly worrying or stressing out about stuff. She hasn't got a supportive husband and she's breastfeeding you and you're sitting there as a baby and you're being held in her arms automatically. You're being attuned to the environment, to her nervous system and you're picking up on her frequency whether she's safe and regulated or not. And you borrow that as a child. So even as a baby she could breastfeed you changing appy, or it could be your dad doing it, whoever was doing it, changing it. So doing all the essentials. But if they actually are not engaging with you and they're not regulated, then you start to pick that nervous system up. Now we're having this epidemic of ADHD and ADD and all these diagnoses. Now, a lot of that is because of a dysregulated nervous system. It's because it's something that was unconsciously passed down to us. And so that's where the work kind of begins. So the work that I do, Al, is really about helping people realize, you know, it's like not having judgment for where you are having a level of acceptance in there. But then we've got to wind back the clock and start having a look at, you know, let's go back through this timeline and see where. Where do we have short circuits? You know, where is there a. Where. Where is the circuit, you know, short and funny, because I used to be an electrician, and now that I think about it, it's like I'm in nervous system regulation, which is all about circuitry, which is what I loved as a kid. So inadvertently, I've fallen down the path of, oh, I was very good at fault finding as an electrician, which is why I'm very good at doing it now with people to find out, okay, this circuit breaker is tripping over here because of an event which is stored over here. So let's get to work on that. And so that's probably the simplest way that I can explain it, you know, which, you know, a lot of our behaviors right now are a reflection of not the events that have happened to us. This is really important because you can have two men who are twins or two brothers in the same household, and they will have a very different life. You know, one will be, you know, winning, kicking goals, solid, stable, and the other will be potentially down the path of destruction, drugs or whatever. And you think, hang on a minute, what's going on here? They experience the same event. How could this be? So it's not the event that's taken place. It's our response to the event that takes place. And so our response then dictates how we start to show up in life in similar scenarios. And so, yeah, that's the kind of the long and short of a brother.

Yeah, man, that's unreal. And would that be like, in terms of the response is that both a macro and micro thing, like, there are big events, but also what we do every single day with. With the choices we make and how we perceive things? You know, I'm obviously big on perspective.

Yeah, yeah. 100. Yeah. As I said, I think in a lot of cases, when we talk to trauma in particular, there's a big emphasis on big T, because they're the significant events. But the more I work in this space, it's. It's just a combination of all the small things, you know, so it reminds me of that movie. There's a movie. I can't remember what it's called, but he goes, it's the little things, Johnny. It's the little things. And it is. It's an accumulation of all the little things. So to your point, if we can start to take care of the little things in our life, which doesn't seem signaling. Significant over time, become quite significant. So it's like that whole thing of like, you know, some people have that kind of, you know, dark night of the soul moment, that full. They wake up and they've gone down this spiritual path and have completely, you know, completely changed course. It's very rare for most the. The transformation and the change is an accumulation over time of, you know, climbing up the mountain a little bit, slipping back down a couple levels, you know, kind of snakes and ladders, getting up and then come back down here again. And so. And all of life's events are a reflection of where we're at and the work that we've done. So, you know, children triggering you, your wife triggering you, friends, all. All of the events that occur to us and then our response to it is a reflection of where we're actually at.

Yes. Would you. Is there an example you'd be able to maybe share or a practice of how you go about it? Fab. Because obviously I'm. I'm quite big. I'm not sure if you can nurse me in your arms back to good health if there's something I'm trying to fix in myself.

It's funny, there's a book called the Boy who Was Raised by a Dog that I read around. Well, the title is just that it was a young boy who ended up in a foster home. Parents. I can't remember the full story, but either a parent died or they're unwell. He ended up in a foster home and he ended up in the hands. Well, he ended up in the hands of a. He. A guy who was the. The next husband or a boyfriend of his mum who'd passed away that she'd only just met. And somehow he ended up having custody because he was the only person. There was no other family members. And this guy was very unconscious and he had. He was Very particular in his ways. And he had no idea, no kids himself, and he had no idea what to do with his baby. So he had lots of dogs, this guy. And so he ended up raising the kid like a dog, like put the kid in a cage, fed it, kind of like just, you know, took care of it to an extent, but to the way that he knew best. And so obviously, you know, the psychologists and in the teams got involved realizing that this kid is not being raised effectively, but part of the rehabilitation strategy for this child, once he, and he ended up, they didn't know how to help this child become, you know, integrate back to become, you know, a healthy boy. But he so ended up in a new foster home. And there was this lady that unbeknowingly, you know, as the kid was about 15 and he was having kind of, you know, anxiety attacks and like real jittery and just, you know, was behaving like a dog, but very erratic. She would cradle the boy, 15 year old boy and like, you know, cradle him in her arms. And over time what was happening and then what they discovered was that he was, she was bringing him back to the states that he'd missed as a kid and recalibrating and helping his nervous system get regulated just through that alone. And so, yeah, it was quite fascinating in, in this, in the story. It's very, very hard story to read, but there's a lot of profound wisdom in it. So in, so taking that concept and looking at how do we apply that to where we're at now? Well, the whole thing is, you know, when we look at what the, the new age language of all of this trauma is, it's really just a trigger when we are triggered in a response. Like your child does something, your wife does something, and you, you get activated and you bite back or you withdraw and you go to the shed and you drink or you go out and have a bender with the boys, that's a triggered response. So that is a trauma that's taking a tr. There's a traumatic event happening in the moment and you're going back to a previous response of how you handled it. And so one of the concepts that I teach is the ability to join yourself in the moment and realize, you know, like one of the, in a lot of my coaching sessions, the men say I kind of have to respond back to her. Like we're in an argument. I feel like I need to have the answer and I've got to, you know, I've got it, you know, so what's happening is they're responding back from, you know, their 17 year old version of them when they, when they're feeling a similar experience with their mom or their dad. And so in the moment, the work is to be able to catch yourself and realize that you're actually being triggered. Right now the challenge is al that most of the times it's happening, it's like you're driving along, something happens and it's like you're getting kicked out of the driver's seat and you're a passenger and you're witnessing it happening. You're like, somebody's just taken over the wheel here. And it's usually the 17 year old version of you, 12 year old version of you, 7 year old version of you, wherever that trauma has been stored from the previous event. So you're witnessing it, but you can't get out of it. And you're like, afterwards there's this regret and there's this guilt and there's this shame of like, ah, I messed up. I shouldn't have done that, shouldn't have said that, shouldn't have, you know, so the thing that I teach, which is not easy and I get caught in it myself, is realizing that you're in the trigger in the moment and joining yourself. Because what's happening when we are triggered, there's a separation taking place with where you are right now to previous memories. So it's like this, you know, you're hitting the eject button. You got to be mindful of that. And usually I teach a concept of putting your hand on your chest as the trigger, like as you're in the fight, in the whatever of like, oops, I'm here. And it's just acknowledging to yourself, it's like, all right, Fab. It's all right, little man. Just a quick breath in. I'm here now. I'm safe. You got this. It's okay. You were triggered, that's normal. But I'm here now. And it's just reassuring yourself in the moment that you are, you are here in the moment and that everything is okay. And that's what can ground you into the moment. It's just as simple as it sounds. Everyone's like, oh, that's all I got to do that just like put my hand on my chest. And that's can help a lot. It's just the awareness of it happening. And not because the trigger is very addictive, because it's a response from the past and we want to defend ourselves because, you know, we're activated and so you know, when you, when you're angry, you want to stay angry because there's an addictive element to it as well. And so it's just the ability to come out of it is where the work is.

Yes.

And like our last session, which is, you know, restoring integrity in relationships. Like, how do you repair from the carnage and the previous damage, you know, how do you not fall into a guilt or a shame cycle around. I've been a mess and I up and I've hurt people. And then, you know, you carry that guilt and shame throughout in your life, you know, which doesn't actually serve you.

Yeah, there's some good stuff in. I do enjoy things like the Four Agreements. Don Miguel, he's got some great things around the judge and the victim. And he's got a series of books, him and his son. And there's a lot of value there in not using the past to self diminish as well and not feel like you're worthy or enough. But now I hear what you're saying, like a lot of the times we get with our men, they feel like they're grumpy or angry or triggered. It's like we help them understand, hey, this is almost. We try and flip the script a bit where it's like, hey, you know what, this is actually a pleasure. Maybe you didn't realize, but it's because you want to feel important. You want to feel like you're in control. It's something that's familiar. You're probably raised with those tendencies. And then after the fact you're realizing that I like that. Don't hit the eject button. But these men, it's like an out of body experience. But at the time it's almost like fueling a different version, the younger version, the teenager or the ego. And.

Yeah.

And then when they realize they're like, oh, okay, yeah. So anger and bitterness and resentment and all these different things, even though there's negative connotation, can actually be a form of hey, I'm being hurt or I feel in control.

Yeah.

Which can be quite.

It's. Well, the judgment. The judgment's huge. And I've probably said this to the crew in HPF previously, which is it's very hard to judge and shame your way to change. But that's a lot of our strategies in that we look at our previous behaviors and then we judge it and then, you know, then this becomes a self fulfilling prophecy of just constant judgment, constant shame. And it's like, you know, if you're looking at you know, your kid who's attempting to do things and make change, you've got two options. You can come in and criticize the kid for attempting to do something great. Most of us wouldn't. We would just acknowledge them like, hey, mate, you made, you tried that, don't worry, try again, try again. You know, when they've made a mistake or they're trying something new, it's not working for them. We don't usually discourage, encourage them and say, give it up, mate, like, you got no hope, you're not going to make it. You know, if they're a five year old, the reality is that we apply that to ourselves. When we are attempting to do things, we're like, I'm a fucking idiot. I'm, you know, can't believe I did that. And it's just, that doesn't create positive change.

Yes. What good question, man, is there's two key things I'd love to explore. One's definitely around the parenting side for sure, but, but one I'd love to know is, is there a way that, like, how would you. Or is there an exercise we could do? Like, prevention's better than cure, right? Is there something you would suggest that we could do to try and regulate instead of being in a state like what, what could keep. What could help? I mean, with hpf, as you're well aware, man, we do things like creating space, investing yourself, health and fitness, other things controlling your structure so you're in control of the day and setting time up for you. And maybe that's the answer, but maybe there's nuances or science behind that you can elaborate on. But I'm curious, man, like, are there things we can do, like a precursor to be regulated and be more stable before the trigger comes? And that might give us a bit more time to buy into not reacting, but rather responding accordingly.

Yeah, there is, man. I mean, there's tons of things that you can do. The simplest thing is, you know, how you go to bed and how you wake up. You know, the time that you go to bed and the time that you wake up and what you do before it and what you do when you get up is really critical. Like how, how do you fill your own cup initially? And, you know, things like journaling and just reflecting as an example, making a couple key points of how the day went yesterday and how you want today to go and what are the things that you need to take care of is a great reflection tool. Breathing exercises are really, really powerful to help calm, you know, the nervous system Down. But it's really just that ability to fill your cup initially first thing in the morning a little bit, which means that, you know, you, at least you'll be more ready for the day when things come at you. You won't have resentment, you won't have anger, you won't have frustration, you'll have less of it. If you've already done something for yourself, then when the demands of family life and everything else come at you and you're like, now I've got to do this and got to take care of that, got to take. If you haven't done anything for yourself in the morning and all of a sudden you've got to go out serving others. It's very common for women as well that do this. You know, they kind of self. They neglect themselves because that's what their mum did. And then they end up operating from, you know, bitterness and resentment and anger and frustration. So just doing something for self in the morning. Bit of breathing, a bit of stretching is key, you know, a little bit of journaling as an example. And obviously, you know, some exercise is quite powerful and yeah, the more you can become conscious to how you want to show up. So the identity, the traits in your character, like, you know, who do I. Who do I need to be today? You know, what kind of person do I want to be? So having a theme and having an intention for the day, I usually have that, you know, every day I'll kind of say, today I'm going to be, you know, very patient. Today I'm going to be calm. Today I'm going to be open. Today I'm going to be a strong leader. Today I'm going to be, you know, I just, I take on an identity that I. On how I want to shop for the day and then I. I do my best to lead from that perspective, but I find when I don't do something for myself in the morning, I'm at a higher risk of getting dysregulated and being reactive through the day, you know, being short, being less open, less whatever. So it really is an accumulation of those, those things that I found as, as a great starting point. Obviously that'll help you navigate certain things. It won't keep you on game all day. You've got to do the deeper work. And I usually take people through a process of, you know, resetting the nervous system, reshaping identity and in helping them get clear on actually where they're heading, the things that they actually want to do. You know, there's usually career Stagnation or there's frustration with work and should be doing. You know, there's judgment on where they are versus where they want to be. So, you know, you got to get into the deeper work eventually. But as a starting point, definitely that before you go to bed, you know, no screen time. Get. Get to bed at, you know, create a good circadian rhythm. Sleep's really important. We all know it, but how many of us do it? And so, you know, kind of getting to bed and waking up at least at the same time every day is super helpful.

Yeah, nice, man.

You probably see it in your kids. You know, when they don't sleep well, they sleep at a different time, they wake up and their ability to manage the day is. I see it with my three sons. The moment one of them sleeps a little bit outside of his zone, the next day he's far more dysregulated, you know, blows up at the smallest things.

Yeah, agreed, man. Both that, both that. Probably three things with the kids. One is definitely regulating the sleep and getting good routine there. Two is the energy levels, making sure that they are expending. Like they need to be active men or all children if they're not. Everything goes a bit stir crazy. And three is 100 the nutrition. Although I would not. I definitely wouldn't dismiss things like doing breath work and that sort of stuff with them. I think it'd be fantastic visualizations, fantastic writing, journaling, expressing. Yeah, all incredible, incredible stuff on kids, man. What you explain is exactly my upbringing and there are definitely traits of that with my children. It's like this and it frustrates me at times. I'm very aware and reasonably balanced with the approach of hey, live and let live. And almost to a degree where I let my children do whatever they want until it's something that I know either safety is at risk or foreseeing future integrity of them as an individual. If they kept doing that one action is at risk. That's what I'm always looking at. Because want to. I want them to be them. But it's also like, yeah, but what is them? They come in to some degree. I know DNA plays a game, a role in the game, but some degree a bit of a blank canvas or blanker than us as adults with all our mess. But how do you balance that, man? Like what. Where's. Where's the balance between both as a parent and a partner in allowing children that ability to. We foster and nurture that growth and let them have the discovery themselves. But also having somewhat, at least A container or some hard enough boundaries of the world or because the problem that we find in the world is the answer might be, well, you don't now, you let them do that and freely express themselves. Cool. Then they go to school and there's kids that are acting like because their parents have baggage, they haven't worked on themselves and they're poor quality. And then there's technology and there's all the other things. I was like, well, shouldn't we still remain a strong influence to some degree if they're going to get that exposure to lots of other environments that are going to raise them? So it's like this. Where's the balance? What are your thoughts? You got three young boys, mate. What are your thoughts on that?

It is an interesting one, mate, because it's like, you know, for my.

I don't want to pull away either, right? We don't want to pull away. You said that's. That's typical, man. Like, we reward them with lollies.

It's. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's crazy. It's interesting because one of the things that I've always had in my mind is that, you know, the mess becomes the message, right, for me. So I've been able to now do some great things, help a lot of people because of what I went through. And that's very healing to go back into the past and have resolution in and around a true embodied resolution. Not like, yeah, yeah, I forgive, but you haven't actually embodied the forgiveness. And so my question is like, well, okay, if. If you. If tough times make strong men, then then do I put my children, do I put my boys through tough times to create strong men, right? Like, should they go through more hardship so that they, they understand, you know, they're ready for the real world? And so I've been challenged with that a lot. And one of the things that I keep coming back to is that the world is hard enough already. Like, the world is very brutal anyway, this outside world. So what I don't want to do is double their pain in the home. So I attempt to. Try to give them. We attempt to create a safe environment at home where they can express themselves and they're going to get reflections back in the real world anyway of like, oh, that's not really landing. And so the real world will condition them to an extent anyway. The one thing that I want to ensure that I can keep is this secure line where they can come home and they can fully express themselves and not feel as though that they can't do that here because they're going to struggle to do it in the real world anyway. So I don't want to have them have a double place that is unsafe for them because that then sleeps steeps down a really dark place where you know, we've been through it before. You know, you can't talk to your dad, he doesn't talk about all those things and you're not really seen and not validated and you're like. Because it can be a very slippery slope with you know, the rates of suicide and all of those kinds of things and addiction. So you know, I think children learn through discovery, right? So you know, they're going to touch the hot plate, they're going to touch that stove, they're going to pick up that thing and then they're going to realize I'm not going to do that again. So life will actually teach them. The main thing is that, you know, there are times where it's like, there's got to be appropriate boundaries. Like my son now wants a phone because some, you know, sees kids playing on the phone, we don't really give it to him and then you know, goes to his grandparents house, they give him an old phone and it works but he can't ring anyone and all of a sudden he's just on it all day. I'm like, he's five. And I'm like no. I said son, I'm gonna have to take that. This is actually not good for you. No, five year olds don't even have phones. I said, mate, when you. As dad was 15 when he got his phone and I paid for it because I was working. Mum was 17 when she got her phone. He lost the plot. Hates us angry. Has been angry the last few days and I've just kept reassuring him, son, I'm rem this. I said, but because it's not good for your brain. I said, you might not understand that now but I still love you. And there are other things that you're going to be able to get. We'll get you eventually. You know, a watch phone that you can call mum and dad through when you're at school and things like that so you can keep an eye, you know, keep an idea of where they're at in their location. So it's, it's the ability to be, to understand what is a healthy boundary that there's going to be friction. They're going to hate you for a moment. But can you still hold space for them and realize that their meltdown is Something that they need to experience. And I just make sure that he got, you know, he gets it out. He punches things, he wants to throw a few things. I said, hey, you can throw stuff but it needs to be in an area where it's not going to break. You want to go throw something or go punch the pillow if you want, hit the bed or there's got a little punching bag from. You want to do that, you want to draw something. So I try to get them to exert their energy somewhere else. The moment it gets too intense or he wants to hurt his brother or whatever, I'll have to come in and restrain and say I'm going to hold you because right now somebody's going to get hurt. I'm here with you, I'm holding you. It's okay. Dad loves you. And I'll just keep reassuring him that I love him. But I'm holding him down just so that you know he doesn't hurt himself or somebody gets hurt. So I don't know if that answers your question but you know, there's this balance between holding the boundaries still being firm but still keep reminding them that you love them.

Yeah, no, it's a great answer, man. I think upon reflecting with what I asked and what you said too and my life as a parent, there's just, there's always work. Choose the work. So I think the challenge with the, the push, pull, all the reward and punishment system is a lot of parents will initiate that because they're lazy, so they're cutting corners. And then on instilling the right boundaries and understanding the mindset of a 5, 8, 11 year old to create context and understanding or not when they might not understand but reassure them given that, that safety, love and security. Whereas a lot of parents through the pulling away of something, especially love is is it. It's an, it's an unstable emotional response as opposed to hey, no, we're not going to have those lollies anymore. You've had one, you've got the whole bag in your hand. And I've done this to my children. Like I've gone, hey, Stella, Daddy weighs six times more than you. So those three snakes you want to have that will be the same as daddy having 18. Do you think daddy would feel sick if he had 18 snakes? Oh yeah, he would. And trying because she's seven now, so she's pretty switched on, man. And trying to help her understand, hey, relative wise there are certain things that aren't good. But, but I hear what you say, man. It's a tough one because the world, the world figures everyone out. It sorts everyone out to some degree. But yeah, I would say I'm a little bit harder on my son than I am on my daughters, even though he's the youngest. And when I say harder, what I mean is. Well, I'm open to your opinion too, man, your thoughts. But I try and challenge him in a good environment, AKA if we're in the gym, I'll challenge him. I'll say, hey mate, do some push ups and see what he can. Obviously, you know, the lactic acid and fatigue sets in, the collapses and. But I'm like, is that okay? Because it's a good environment. It's challenging them in and, and fostering growth in a good way. Not I'm gonna beat him up just to hide him up, if you know what I mean. What are your thoughts on creating the right conditions where we can challenge them, but in a, yeah, safer environment. That's why I love the gym, man. It's such a good place to, to break down your limiting beliefs. But in a reasonably safe environment.

Yeah, look, I think, you know, the answer to that question is an answer that only you can truly answer in the sense of it's always around, what's your intention behind things? The biggest issue that I see a lot of the times is when we place our own expectations on children that are. That, that, that, that, that they, they can't achieve. That creates this kind of dynamic. So, you know, I think it's great to stretch them. And sometimes, you know, my kid does athletics and I'll be there and I'll be kind of recording and you know, then afterwards I'm like, I'll show him the video and I'll be like, Initially I was like, I think I'm being a bit over. I'm being one of those parents now. Like, come on, win mate. You know, I want him to win. I want him to win because I'm trying to live through him. And so I identify that I'm like, oh, okay. I. What about his own unique experience? So I started to shift gears on that and would record his race and where he did well and where he didn't do well. And I'd say, hey, what's this thing? How did you, how did you feel you went. So I go, all right. I said, what did you notice? It's like, oh, I was looking at the other kids because, you know, he usually when he loses the races because he's looking at the guys next to him and that. And then he's you know, V is off the road a little bit and he's not, you know, he's not focused. And so he does that. And I was like, okay, what could you do the next race, you reckon? He's like, I'm going to look straight ahead. I was like, all right, you do that. Buddy does the next race. And of course he comes first. He flies, you know. So I think, I think it's a good thing to kind of, to test them and to, you know, to extend them a little bit. Probably the biggest thing for me is how can I get him to be intrinsically motivated to have the fire within versus me having to facilitate that. Because, you know, we can facilitate and we can orchestrate environments, right? To an extent. But one of the biggest killers, I think in sporting in particular is when the parent has been too over the top and then the child gets to that 14, 15, real rebellious and they're like this, I'm out. You know. Yeah, but you know, Tiger Woods's son, I think I read an article on that where he was saying that he was really grateful for how his dad, you know, he was modeling a lot of his father. And so there was, there are other athletes who actually really thrive in that kind of, you know, I need to live up to dad's expectations. I need to fill those shoes. I've got a point to prove. And a lot of successful business owners, when I'm coaching them, when I start to peel them back and I'm like, what traits are you noticing in your own behaviors compared to family members? Like, I'm trying to prove my dad right. I'm trying to prove my dad wrong. And it's become this fueling desire. The challenge is when we start to step back and look at other areas in their life. There's, there's, there's chaos in an area and it's usually around relationships or health in particular. They've sacrificed family in the pursuit of success to prove their father wrong, which was not a bad fuel source to create a very successful organization, but at the cost of over here. So it's just, how can we be mindful in those scenarios? And you're doing the work, you've got that competitive edge. You've been a competitive sports person as well. Now you're a business owner. That's a pretty big competition, competitive field. And so for you, it'll just be about checking in on yourself of like, oh, like, how can I get my children to, you know, create that fire within? You know, to be self starters, you know, completely agreement.

I think, I think it's a great, great way to put it as well. You know, I look at it like. And I gave a very quick snapshot. But I mean, he's three men. He's, he's, he's, he's more.

I've seen him in the gym. I've seen.

He's more gyrating in the air than doing. You know. The funniest part is, even with my girls as well, I'm like, do a push up. They'll bend everywhere except the elbow, which is the weakest point for the mechanics of doing a push up, AKA working your chest and triceps, which is obviously small on little girls and my little man. But it's so, you know, it's all, it's all. You're right. Like, it's the facilitation I think is important. You know, like for me, it's not like I'm allowing him to have his own state of. Of state of discovery, but it's within the realms of what I'm exposing him to. That's why I love having a home gym, man. I cancel all gym memberships and I train. They train with me. When I say train, they play and get in the way with me several times a week. But it's good because they see me suffering, so they see standards and they say that it's okay to sweat to the point where they laugh at me sometimes. But then there will be times where, yeah, I'm not, I'm not monitoring and doing a drop set and progressive overload with Roman and percentages. He'll just randomly come up with little. And they're one kilos, man. You can throw them around. Hey, daddy, me strong. Yeah, man. That's awesome. Yeah, dude. Keep it up. Keep going. Do you like that? Are you having fun, man? Do you like doing and they call it daddy's gym. And so I definitely reinforce.

It's awesome.

Sorry. I promote support.

Yeah.

With questions and statements. Them owning.

Yeah.

They want to be there and what they're doing. If you know, just, just like say. Just say a role, you know, here's your scorecard and KPIs and whatnot. Obviously a lot looser. It's like, no. Do you want to be here? Do you enjoy that?

Cool.

Fantastic.

And here's the thing on that too though. Al, it's like mentor said this to me once not long ago actually. He said more is caught than taught. And so in the context of that your scenario there, it's like the less that you Actually, the less that you do and the more that you just do for you, they'll actually pick up more from catching and modeling and witnessing. Because I see that with my kids. I don't really take like I've got a set of golf clubs, but when they, before they were into golf and they see me leaving and taking off for golf or practicing my irons on the rug in the lounge room, all of a sudden they're frothing over and I didn't have to kind of say, come on, let's go do this sport and you're going to come and do this. It's like they're, they were pursuing me to come along and like, can we go, can we go to the driving range? Can we do this, can we do that? And so I was like, oh, okay. Like I've just got to kind of, you know, demonstrate good behavior or behaviors that, you know, that I enjoy. And they'll naturally start following the ones that they, you know, that inspires them. Yeah.

Incredible, isn't it, how much it goes both ways. That's what I love about fatherhood, man, how much if you're aware enough, your kids can really course correct your behaviors. Because it's like what you said then is the exact same with their negatives. So when something doesn't go wrong or my kids see me, you know, I'm trying to fix something and I just throw the tools. Guess what? Even though it's a negative experience, when they have the same negative experience, they're going to throw the tools. And so you're right, it's definitely example. I would say for sure where and I'll make like perfect example is Stella, like she's the best in her ballet class and just killing it. And I didn't talk about hypertrophy and getting a leg strong so she can jump and do the 360 and blah, blah, blah. I just got her and said, what do you like and enjoy and what do kids love doing, man? Swinging around on and jumping around. So she's swinging on the pull up bars trying to. How do I link this ring? And we have like ring rows. How do I link this ring to this bar, to this footstool? And yeah, becomes like a little, you know, jungle gym. And because I've, I've fostered that and I've explained, hey, if you keep doing that, do you know that's going to help you with netball, that's going to help you with ballet and it'll help, you know that tippy toe move that you're doing that's going to rebuild these little muscles here. And I'll press them and, you know, trigger point, laugh. And then all of a sudden it's.

Like, yeah, like, helping them connect the dots. That's really. That's really powerful. I think that's one of the things that a lot of us don't think to do, which is, you know, you.

And you.

You display this really well where you explain and you go into a bit more detail and you help them start to, you know, this thing here connects to that thing there. So it's like, you know, for my son Leo, he's like, I don't want to go to school. It's like, yeah, I get that. Like, I've been there before, too. I didn't want to go to school as well. And I kind of, you know, but it's like, so what do you want to do? I. I want to sell cars and I want to sell real estate because I've obviously, I'd sold real estate. I was like, great. It's like, how well do you know to count? It's like, oh, I can count. I said, can you do maths? It's like, oh, I can do plus. And, you know, it's like, well, okay, so one of the benefits of school is that if you can just do a couple subjects really, really well, that's going to help you sell really, you know, do well in real estate. Oh, really? It's like, yeah, it'll help you actually run a really good beside, just, you know, help them connect the dots. So now he's, like, a bit more inspired. When I pick him up from school, he's like, dad, I don't want to come home. All right, don't take it too far, mate. We know the school's gonna probably indoctrinate.

You, so just get what you need.

Out of it and get out.

That's right. Yeah, don't. Don't dye your hair purple and all that, sort of. But next year, hey, dad, my maths teacher's smarter than you. And it's like, oh, man. It's a great way to put it, like, connecting the dots. Because I. I do that a lot with the kids, man, and I. I try and leave just enough space where they. They fill the blanks in a bit themselves. And I really. I really like that, man, because then. And this is the crazy part too, right? Like, you'll come in and you'll do sessions for hpf, and the guys fucking love it, man. Like, Fabian, that was awesome. Thank you so much. But then. And I'll get a message from the guys as well, and I'll get some of them individually message me saying, hey, Al, thank you so much for getting Fab on board for another session. And I'm not, I'm not taking away your. Your mate. It's your accolades. But it's so weird how when you become, I guess, with a parent, parenting as well, when you become just a little bit of a facilitator, you get the rewards anyway. Like, you're going to get thanked. Like Stella, like, when she kills it in ballet, she'll be like, oh, daddy, you know, thank you so much for letting me train in the gym with you. I'm like, yeah, man, the victory's all yours. And same thing too, right?

And that's.

That's the craziest part. Like, when you don't need to step in and control everything and you actually get the rewards anyway. And then like with you and all the other experts we have in. It's not. And I'm on the level, man. It's not. It's not mine to have. But the guys, it's, obviously, they're really thankful for you, but they're just appreciative of the opportunity. And I think that's a big thing for parents. The appreciation and the admiration comes if you just provide the opportunities instead of trying to mold and force. And I don't really want Roman to play rugby league, man. Like, I. There are things you can learn in life. You don't need to have nine operations and he's just a beast. He can't stop tackling me. I've never taught him anything about rugby league. Yeah. He just runs in and cries full of crash, tackle me. Like, where did you. He doesn't watch it.

Yeah.

It's like, oh, man. And so, so it's just that, that, that navigating. Hey, they are their authentic self, right?

Right, man. That's a fostering. Yeah. No, I love it, man. It's. It's like my youngest, he's the. He's the tough. He's the tough nut. He's two and a bit. And mate, he just comes behind me, gets me into like a. A neck hole because a few times he's seen me do, like, neck hold to the boys. I've taught him some, you know, jiu jitsu stuff. If somebody, you know, dropped down here and get him into a hold and like, what do you do? I've got you in a hold and I'll, you know, drop their body down and so he sees that and then of course, what is he doing? Like, if I'm sitting up on the edge of bed, he comes behind me and he's like, like got a grip and he's like, got my neck real good. I'm like, give him another six months and that I, I might have to tap out or you know, get him into, get him into a move.

That's awesome. I love it, man. That's been, it's been, mate, it's been an epic session. Fabian, I'd love for, I, I guess like you, you know, you know the guys that, that are on the inside and you know, the guys that listen to this are almost certain the same. They're just, they're not members. But what would be your advice, man? Like what would be a key takeaway or just some food for thought or advice for a man out there who's listening? Member or non member? As a middle aged man, what would be like, I don't know, one or one to three key things or just mindset piece or I guess just final thoughts, bro, on that. You think you'd be able to leave some or impart some wisdom for these guys? Yeah.

Okay. I'll probably say right now that if you are listening to this and you are experiencing some friction in your life, like you've got some frustration, you've got some anger, you've got some, some judgment and shame, you're finding it, you're not finding yourself in some kind of an alignment, then that is your, that is your wake up call. That is the message for you. That's the universe attempting to shift you and move you into a new direction. And if, you know, you resonate with my story and you know, our story as well, and you know, your upbringing was, you know, okay, or maybe it was severe or you know, maybe you had really loving parents and you still can't work out why you're feeling. The way you're feeling is that, you know, you've been summoned, you're getting called upon right now. And so, you know, when I've worked inside of HPF and different other programs, now have my own program, one of the things that I say to the people that come into my container at the start is I say that the decision that you're making today or that you're about to make or that you don't make is going to impact the future of your generations. Your last name, your family's last name is going to be impacted by what you decide to do today and into the future. And so A lot of the times I say that, you know, 50 years and 70 years after you're dead, you're going to be forgotten about, more than likely, unless you've done something of significance, like you've written a book, you've transformed stuff, you've created something epic, then your family will likely remember you for hundreds of years. And so if there's a generational cycle of your parents being unconscious to a degree, they weren't emotionally aware, they weren't attuned, dealing with their own stuff, and so on and so forth, and you're feeling friction right now, and you're listening to this, it's because you're being summoned to do something about it. And so you can stick your head in the sand and try to ignore it, but the reality is that whatever you suppress is going to keep getting expressed and you're going to pass down. Instead of leaving a legacy down, you're going to be leaving carnage down to your children to have to solve the problems that you could have solved today. So the gift that you can give is by going in and doing the deep work and rolling up your sleeves, finding the right community, finding the right mentors, or getting guidance so that when you look back in 30, 40 years time, your children don't have to unravel as much of the mess and the carnage that you left to them. You can either leave them the legacy or the mess, and you kind of get to choose. If you've awakened enough to be listening to this, you've actually got a choice right now. And so that's the biggest thing that I always say to a lot of the people is like, the decision that you're making today, the investment that you're making today is a generational investment. Like, you get to change the lineage of your family's history by the things that you do today. So those that are wondering, like, what's my legacy and what am I? What is my purpose here in life? It's like, look back, if there's 10 more generations after you, there's a, there's a, there's a fork in the road moment from 2024 today, where it's, it's been heading in this perpetual direction where you don't solve it, it's left to your kids. And if they can't solve it, it's left to them. We've got the resources, we've got the knowledge, we've got the experts, we've got the tools now to be able to dissolve a lot of this crap. So, you know, broaden the shoulders, play it with the straight back and straight. Play it with a straight bat and, you know, take on. Take on that responsibility.

Yeah. Well said, man. Love it, mate. Do you any socials or do you have a podcast or anything you want to leave for the guys to either reach out or follow or share?

Yeah. So the Functionally Addicted podcast show, so that kicked off a couple months ago, which is on Spotify and itunes. You know, it's just called Functionally Addicted with Fabian Pateau. Share a bit more about my journey and some of the work that I do in there. And yeah, the socials are Fabian. Fabian Pateau. It's, you know, Instagram and. And Facebook is. Is where it's at. So.

Legend. Awesome, man. Hope you guys enjoy this. Phenomenal. Really love this, mate. And definitely another one I'll be listening to again. And as well as obviously the sessions you do with us on the inside, man. Love it. Thanks. Fab. Appreciate it, man.

Man. Appreciate it, Al. Thanks, buddy.

Just wrapping up. I hope you enjoyed that episode. I just want to make it clear as well. I mean, it's not to create confusion or keep you at a distance, but it's also at the same time to know that I'm not here to sell you anything. But I just want to make it clear and known that if you are a father that connected with that message, if you're a father that's resonating with some of the sore points, if you're a father who knows that there's a couple of holes in his game. We're not here to take you from dead to alive. We're here to get you absolutely thrown. And we're here to take you out into the field of life and be battle fit and battle ready to handle the adversities that will keep coming. That's who we are. That's what we stand for. We're not here to get you from version 0.1 just to version 1. We're here to take you to version 2.0. That's something we're very proud of. So if you're a father who knows that, yes, you've got problems, the first step to course correcting and addressing those is by acknowledging them and then seeking help and seeking retrieval and the coaching to get out, get in front, take charge, take control. You don't quite know where to start or what to do. We can potentially be a solution for you, and I just want to let that be clear and known. Like we. We're under the pump. Every week. We have over 100 applications. But there is always room for a man who's dedicated, willing, who wants to reach out to have that conversation. So if you're a father who is looking to create change and you are getting serious about joining us in high performance father and being part of the tribe in this phenomenal coaching program, then reach out either adminiperformancefather.com or contact us through our social, send us a message on messenger or through Instagram. I'll have my coaching team reach out and see how we can best serve you. We've got nothing to sell you. There are so many things we can give away for free. There's obviously paid coaching and paid programs. It just depends on what you want and what you want to do and the steps you want to take. This is also you, man. But when you got the championship team in your corner, you will not lose. You cannot lose. And that's what we're here for. So take care. Have an amazing day or night. Whenever you're listening to this and again, the invitation, the offer is there. If you're a father who does want to go all in on his life and you do want to create the changes that you desire for yourself and your family before it becomes too late. Like so many stories and so many times when I hear that and we can't turn back the clock. We can't wind back time and take action now, man. Reach out and we'll see what we can do to serve you and your family and get you moving on the right path forward in your life again.