252. Kristal’s Blueprint for Strong Marriages

Welcome to another episode. But just before we start, if you're someone who really loves and enjoys the podcast, what we stand for me dropping the occasional F bomb, sometimes a bit more frequently than occasional, but nonetheless, the passion and the will and desire to help fathers and their families reach the next level and live a rich and prosperous life for themselves and their families, then, look, take this opportunity, take this moment to please share this with someone who, you know, needs to hear these words and listen to these podcasts and it could be your significant other. We have a lot of fathers who, their wives now listen to these episodes. Essentially, you could start them off with something as simple as episode 200 with my wife and I. But look, there's so much value in here, not just for the fathers, but actually for their wives to see the perspective and the angle and the lens from which we as men making our way through this world, busting our ass and really sacrificing so much how we operate, how we see things, and how much our family actually means to us. So again, enjoy the upcoming episode, appreciate your support, love and respect to all of you. But if there's someone who you know needs to hear this, whether it is your wife, your brother, could be your parents, anyone who is in your circle of influence and significant to you, I urge you to share this with them and continually build and promote this very valuable message in the modern world today that's so heavily needed. And again, much respect to you for giving back to yourself through these episodes. Welcome to a special episode. We've got a lovely guest with us today all the way from. Did you say Houston, Texas? Whereabouts? Austin.

Austin.

Are they both cities in the same state? Did I get at least that right or.

Yes, yes, they're about four and a half hours apart, so not too far away.

Ah, yes, okay, very good. Yes. I'm not blushing because I got that wrong. It's just the lighting in this room's horrendous. I apologize for that. So we'll see how we go. Those who watch this on YouTube, please be gentle. Whilst I have red hair, I'm not that red all over. Great to have you with us, Crystal. I'm really looking forward to a powerful session. Crystal has a phenomenal book called Strong A Relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man. Started reading through it. Some very high quality stuff. Gentlemen, look, sorry. We do get some ladies who listen to our podcast. It's great because they get the insights into how men are thinking too. But essentially, yes, all of you men out there listening to this, it's Going to be a blockbuster event for you to really take and apply some key principles. Things I love like the six green flags, four points of constructive conversations. There's a few things that I think that will really give some golden nuggets. But I believe Crystal, this may be the first of many sessions together. So I guess instead of trying to push too hard and saturate the men or overwhelm them, possibly doing an overview and touching and going granular on a couple of things will be epic for today. But I really appreciate you giving the time men. I, I can't stress this enough. You're going to get some really valuable insights with, with Crystal and especially with the opposite sex and that that's not a pig headed nature one way or the other. It's just that with Crystal's field of expertise and what she's done, it's. It's something that regardless of how much I can connect with you men, she'll be fantastic for you today to then take and apply in your life. But I guess I'd love to yourself, Crystal, you know, a bit of introduction and, and really an overview of what led you into the space that you're currently in. Then we can deep dive on a couple of key points.

Sure, absolutely. So I am a licensed marriage and family therapist. I have a private practice. I work with individuals, but a lot of couples. Right. So being a family therapist, my focus is very much on relationships and how I started in this, it kind of was very personal. My own story is I was trying to date and not having a lot of success. And then I met my husband and I realized, oh gosh, I really want this relationship to work. So I went to therapy myself. I ended up working with a marriage and family therapist and realized that I was getting a lot out of my work with him and decided I wanted to do the same. So I went to school, became a marriage and family therapist, and here I am. And then while I was in school, that was something else I noticed is that, you know, although I had worked with a male therapist, overwhelmingly many people who are counselors and therapists are women. And so women tended to have a pretty good idea of what women's issues were, especially when it came to relationships. So, you know, in talking with my peers, going through school, I heard a lot about, you know, what women are going through, what women are dealing with, the struggles of, you know, mothers and women in society. And it was just kind of an awareness that I had was, well, who's talking about what's going on with men? And also my husband is also a veteran and first responder. And so, you know, I was kind of between these two worlds of, you know, I'd go to school and I was surrounded by women, and then I would, you know, go hang out with my husband and his friends. And it was all very masculine. And, you know, just. That's kind of what led me to my therapeutic focus on, like. Well, I'm hearing a lot about what women think, and I'm a woman and. But what are the men thinking? What are they saying and what are their needs? Overview of me.

Yeah, And I really appreciate that. There's nothing more inspirational than someone who's through their own personal initiatives looking to drive change. You know, I really respect that. Like, there's going through school, everyone wanted to be a lawyer or a psychologist or a counsellor that just had this. Either this A level of status or B level of financial reward. That's what I really, so far, really admire about. Well, so far what I know about you, admiring. It's something that you personally wanted to uphold and apply to your own life. So you sought the means by which doing it created the passion that you wanted to expand and create that impact for more. And even so much so in a field that was not necessarily recognized. And it's not women's fault either. Like, I'm pretty direct. And look, half the people hate me, half love me, and I guess that's part of life and standing for something. But really, it's not women's fault that men are forgotten. It's just the structure and the infrastructure and systems in place. How men operate, how we typically our network shrinks as we become fathers. There are so many little moving parts, at least almost like this perfect storm, which is a few decades deep now that is like, wow, what's going on? Women aren't happy, men aren't happy. And how do we find this, this. This bridge we can build to. To bridge the gap? So I love that. Love that about you. And also that keen insight into what is what, what I believe, a big gap. And personally, yeah, HPF was born out of my marriage falling apart. The game had changed. I couldn't just be the. The protector, the provider, and the procreator, so to speak. It was like, well, hang on. How can I enhance myself as a man to make sure I'm one step ahead of seeing through the eyes of my wife what she values, not just assuming or throwing, you know, on the wall and seeing what sticks, and that's.

That.

That doesn't serve anyone. So No, I love that. Really appreciate those insights. Curious, like, what. What drove you into wanting to. To help men more? So, yes, you. You're aware of that. But I guess what. What was the catalyst for you Crystal, that led to going, well, this is something I'm aware of, but now it's something I actually want to go deeper on and help these men with.

You know, I think there's another piece of this that, you know, I. I never kind of. Like you said, I wasn't always somebody who wanted to be a therapist, you know, so when I came into the field of therapy, that was something I noticed in, you know, talking to some men is they were resistant to therapy because they kind of thought it was like, well, you just, you know, you go in a room and somebody's gonna make you cry, and then your wife's gonna tell you what you're, you know, all the things that you're doing wrong. And, you know, it's just this very kind of. Kind of emotional and messy process. And so I wanted to, you know, I think, like I say in my book, and like you said, like, just throwing things against the wall and hoping something sticks is, you know, painful. It's inefficient. And so part of what I was hearing from my male clients was like, if there's a plan, is there some kind of strategy? If there's some kind of tangible thing I could get from therapy, then, yeah, I'm totally open to going. But if it's just this nebulous, like, you're going to get into your feelings, you're going to feel. Sit with your feelings, and then you're going to cry, and then things are going to be better. It just seemed a little like, I just heard a lot of guys being like, I don't. I don't see the point. And so that's where I wanted to kind of distill it down into, like, I know that therapy is more than just, you know, crying on a couch. I know that there are actual strategies and tools and skills and insights and awarenesses that come out of it. But I also wanted to kind of provide something that. Why call it kind of like a field guide or a blueprint of, like, these are some of the tangible skills. Here is an overview of the process that you might go through if you work with me. And then here are some pillars to look for when it comes to, you know, structuring a healthy relationship and just having that more, you know, stratified approach is where I found a lot of resonance with my male Clients. And that's where I started kind of then focusing on working like that.

Yes. Oh, music to my ears, you know. And it's not that I have anything against traditional therapists, but as a man, it's like, hey, show me the blueprint, show me the steps. Let me. We, we have the Mr. Fix inside us. I understand that. But also it's to, to gain clarity over something where they were not always typically aware of. With the way that our brain operates, with the emotional state. We don't, we can't work a six lane highway like a woman does without regulation. It's, it's, it's the big pendulum swing. So it's, it's great to hear that actually. Quite refreshing. Again, nothing against like university or institute institutions. It's just a, it can be a common flaw for people who become accredited to not rely on their gut and their intuition to flow on what is the best outcome for this person. Because that for the man may not necessarily be right for the woman where she needs to have that expression to cleanse herself, so to speak, and then have that not necessarily closure, but just have that ability to express in that space which then helps her reset and realign her energy. So strokes for folks kind of thing. I really like that. That's really cool. Do you would love, I guess for you to walk through the six green flags if you wanted to give us a quick rundown. So actually, sorry, just before that. I'll be a bit of a primal man right now. I'm sure you've heard this a lot, but here's the question, like, what do women want? I'd love for you to give some insights on that personally and professionally.

Yeah. And this is what's tough, right. Is because women are not a monolith.

Right.

And I think that's so much of this conversation where, you know, I will say women want blank and or you know, online people will say women want blank and then there will be this other group of people being like, that's not true, that's not what I see. Right. And that's what so much of social media is this like fighting about what men want, what women want. And ultimately what I found in my practice and you know, personally and professionally is, you know, when people are healthy and when they're looking for healthy relationships, they tend to look for these things, right. And they tend to resonate for these certain things. The things that I talk about in my book, when they're unhealthy, who knows what, what they're looking for. Right. Because when you're not healthy, you know, it's kind of like you look for the thing that either makes you satisfied in the moment, but doesn't lead to long term happiness. You look for something because it's fulfilling, it's scratching an old itch, it's repeating an old trauma pattern, you know. So again, there's a real difference between, you know, what do women want? It's a very difficult question, but ultimately what I want to focus on is, you know, what do healthy women want in a partnership? What does a healthy partnership look like? And then if you as a man who wants to have a healthy relationship, as a healthy partner, yourself, what does that look like? What are the characteristics to embody and also what you what to look for in a woman. Right. You're looking for that healthy partner.

Yes.

I think people can get distracted by the, by the shiny and the pretty and the, you know, all of that and so just looking for the health.

Yeah, amazing. No, I love that. It's a couple, couple of things I got from there. I just made a note here, but the one of the big things that used to kill me Crystal is this whole thing around like because you mentioned a healthy woman. So toxic masculinity. I'm like, you can't, you can't tie some sort of trait or belief system around an energy because I have feminine in me and masculine. We all do. It's essentially a level of energetic expression. So when I heard that he's killing something like of course there's plenty of evil men, but there's also a woman is man. A woman can cut a man to pieces more than another man. Because with a man, me like only man give a man in check whether that confrontation. But for a woman, they could cut through to the heart and like it. It's a, it's such a delicate thing. And I've been with my wife 22 years and it used to be a bit of a, bit of a running joke, but it actually became a real process where, and it was, it was a light hearted joke with Corinne that my wife thought I would say women want everything. And, but, but upon exploring that, I guess to expand on your answer, what I found over the years is there's nothing wrong with that. It's just a case of if, if a woman wants the whole thing, it's sometimes as a team because it takes turns, a clap, there's guidance needed, necessary to know or to help them on what, when, where, how and why. So sometimes my wife wants the Viking and we've Got, we've got a principle on the Viking and the Panda, you know, and then the emotional and skill sets around communication, connection and energies. But sometimes my wife wants that Viking, that strong dominant man go out, you know, get shit done. And, and as much as she might not like it at the time, she respects me saying no at things that when I have a logical vision that forecasts is not a great outcome and my integrity is at cost, I say no. Then there's other times I'm the puppy dog, you know, it's like, hey, let's go with the flow. So there's a beautiful balance. But what I really love most about what you said then is in the moment versus long term happiness. The shiny object, the pretty stuff, you know, I don't allow, like with respect, I don't allow my, my sex drive with my wife to be in a position that is detrimental because the long term game is how can I make 22 years, 44 years and those 22 next year, the next, the next half of that so far is even better. Hard to narrow that down into something which is essentially really an after effect, right? Like intercourse or intimacy is a byproduct of all of the essence of the connection throughout the day, the week, the month, the year. Your thoughts on that? Like would you, would you agree, like when you say long term like that, I like that in the moment versus long term happiness. A lot of people trade off that, don't they, to get that quick, that quick fix, so to speak.

And that's where, you know, even talking about toxic masculinity or any of that, what I see it as, I mean this is, this is kind of the journey towards maturity, right? Is that when you're immature, you really only think about short term. You're very kind of, you know, you can be kind of self centered and selfish when you're immature, like your needs matter most. And this is kind of what we talk about, when we talk, talk about, you know, toxic traits. It's usually people being just very selfish at the expense of other people, right? Being arrogant, being selfish, being, being just not, not a good society member, right? But that maturity is kind of that what you described is what is the crucial element in a long term relationship is yeah, I could go out and you know, do something destructive that maybe my partner would never know about. But I'm mature enough to know that that would go against my integrity, it would harm my spirit, ultimately would harm my relationship. So I'm not going to do it because I want this more, right. I want 44 years more than I want 44 minutes, right? And so again it's, and I think just being honest about that is like we're all human. You know, we'll all find shiny things attractive. We'll all have those moments of like, gosh, you know, I just want to just, you know, eat the whole box of donuts. But it's like, but what do I want more, right? I want health, I want stability, I want honesty, I want emotional connection more than I want this little, you know, flash in the pan. But it does take a level of maturity to be able to make that choice, right? And some of it comes with age, right? I mean they've done experiments on, you know, two year olds and self control and you know, as any parent knows, like, it's a hard, you know, it's a hard bargain. You know, a 12 year old has a little bit more self control. So there is some stuff that comes with age, but, but there's also a level of personal development where you actively cultivate maturity. And a lot of that comes with getting clear on your core values and being able to say, what is it that actually matters to me? What do I want my life to look like? What do I want my marriage to look like? And even though it might be uncomfortable to have that conversation, or I would rather scroll on my phone than have this conversation with my spouse or do the dishes, I'm going to do it because ultimately it's an investment in my long term success, the vision of my future that I want. And that takes maturity.

Yes, yes. So this the end. And love that the answer might be in the six green flags we guess my question on behalf of the men would then be, you address it really well actually in the book. But I'm doing everything and I'm providing so much and I don't, I don't feel valued going above and beyond. But then the woman's like, he's not hearing me, he's not seeing me. So I guess what would be the advice or guidance to men who are the opposite? They're not necessarily selfish or you know, see, selfish is a funny term. Like sometimes with these men I'm a bit hard and I'm like, hey, you're selfish by not addressing what the needs are that are being met and just doing guesswork. You're selfish by being a martyr and killing yourself and giving your family less of you instead of saying a healthy boundary, look, I need to go to the gym and have a half an hour outlet. So it's, it's such an interesting sort of, like, my friend calls it selfing. Like it's, it's a positive self investment. But. But yes, that is, that is a real thing. But let's say the opposite. These men are too much of a martyr. And give, give, give, give, but never enough. What, I guess thoughts, strategies, advice on that situation. Because the men in HBF are very genuine. And the men listening to this, like, they want to give so much their heart, they want to pour out in their family. It's not a group of narcs or manpower. It's just like, no, no, I want to build a beautiful life with my wife and my children and be the leader they need me to be. But that's what we're doing, right? We're helping them. But hopefully with your help, too, that can go to another level again on the advice, strategies, and guidance from yourself.

And I think. So this is where, if we go back to what do women want? Safety. That's the S. And so my book is called strong. And strong is an acronym, and these are the six pillars. And the first pillar is safety. And this is one of the things that I noticed that's a big difference between men and women. Again, not saying that men don't care about safety, but often men are. I mean, again, this is science, right? Men are more likely to take risks. They're a little bit more adventurous. They, like, safety is not the highest thing on their priority list. You know, if we look at, again, this, you know, there's lots of research around this, but for women, it is fundamental, right? And this is just kind of embedded in the fact that, you know, women generally are smaller than men. Women tend to be more vulnerable. Safety is like, number one on women's list of what they're looking for in a partnership. Again, there are some women that, you know, like, this is where some guys, they might be like, oh, no, women want bad boys. It's like, yeah, but again, are those the healthy women that you're looking at? Are those our standard like, we're looking at? When women are looking to have a healthy partnership, the number one thing they want is a man who makes them feel safe. And this is where then sometimes men, they go, fine, I'll go to the gym. I'll get big and strong. I'll fight all the other guys in the neighborhood. And it's like, okay, yes, again, that is where the protector used to be very physical. And now with, again, what most women are looking for in a partner is a guy who can make them feel Emotionally safe. And that's really where it starts with that level of self awareness, that first pillar of safety that I talk about in the book. And, and that's where I think some of these guys that like you say they are givers and they're martyrs, I'm like, but you're not really providing safety because there's a level of maybe not being honest about what your actual needs are, which is not being very self aware. It's being self neglectful. Right. And so a guy that's not being aware of his own needs can also be a dangerous man and not a safe man. Right. It's like if you don't know your own weaknesses, you can't protect your family from those weaknesses. Right. And so now, and as I talk about is that, you know, in the past the dangers to a relationship were the wolves at the door, were the alliance, were the neighboring tribes. Now it's porn, now it's an emotional affair, now it's workaholism. And so even if a guy is like, I'm killing myself for my family, I'm, you know, it's like, are you self aware enough to know when you're actually doing harm to your family? With this whole idea of but I'm giving so much, it's like maybe that self awareness of when do I need to set some boundaries with work? When do I need to be aware of my own, you know, propensity to quote unquote, fill my cup up by doing self destructive behaviors like watching porn or drinking or zoning out and not being present. And these are the actual dangers that a modern relationship faces to the safety of the relationship.

Couldn't agree more. You know, and it's, it's, it's really important for you men, that's a big one. If you either don't know and, or you know, but you don't identify and tie down and then look to dissolve your weaknesses, how can you protect your family against them? And you see that it's like the Trojan horse. Most of the disruption comes from within and sometimes it's not even real. They're just stories that are fabricated, but then they become real. But how do we bridge that gap? Yeah, that self awareness. Couldn't agree more. That's fantastic. And I think just for the men too, being primal is a part of our DNA. That's why it's so hard to shift gears. However, if you men want to look at the evolution of life to date, there is still that primal element, but the game has changed. That emotional safety is Imperative for women.

Why?

Look at the psychological warfare. There's nothing more emotionally distorted and manipulative than social media and you having access to the world, which means the world has access to you. And who do they prey on the most? I guess those who are most emotionally regulated, women and children. So it's like, well, hang on, men, this is how you. And I'm not saying this to be the, you know, the nine in shining armor and like the damsel in distress. It's just going well. No, this is how you, if you want to create safety for your wife, it's not necessarily through muscles in the gym. It's going, well. How can I emotionally and psychologically be stable for her and know where she's at because of the flooding? And not just women. Men get it too, right? Porn only fans. All this, like, it's crazy. But how do I make sure that I'm providing the means where she has a safe home, psychologically and emotionally, not so much. So it's almost, it's so funny. It's like it's the same, but it's a different, It's a different vehicle now because of modern times.

Absolutely, absolutely. And that's something else as well, is that, you know, the other part of safety is self regulation. And I see this often in a couple where a guy is saying like, I do everything and I'm very safe and I don't use porn and I'm, you know, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, but maybe, for example, he gets road rage and that freaks his partner out, right? Then she doesn't feel safe around him or she doesn't trust him with the kids, right? Because his, he's got a temper that spirals out of control and he doesn't, you know, he doesn't know how to self regulate. And so those are the kinds of things, right, of really being able to know what are your triggers? How do you calm yourself? What do you need to stay regulated? Maybe, maybe you do need a gym routine. Maybe you do need, you know, to get better sleep and eat healthier. But also if there are unaddressed triggers from your past, your childhood. I know you said, like, women can hurt men a lot, but also a lot of men are hurt by their other relationships with their dads, right? If they weren't, they didn't have a healthy relationship there that could kind of come up later, right? So again, we all have stuff and being, being brave enough to go and look at that stuff and not saying like, oh, whatever. My childhood was a long time ago doesn't affect me. I've moved on. It's like, well, that's just not how. It's just not how humans work. It's not how psyche works. And relationship stuff tends to come back up in your own relationships. Right. Like, you know, as you. As you probably talk about is, you know, when people. When men become fathers themselves, suddenly they might start, you know, having some feelings come up about their relationship with their father. They might start feeling some kind of way about, you know, having a baby or when their child gets to the next stage. All of these things. Just being aware of how it's impacting you so that you can regulate your. Because if you, as, you know, if you're trying to be the leader of your family, if you're dysregulated, your whole family's dysregulated. Unless then your wife has to step in and be the regulator because you can't. Right. Which is another dynamic I see often where the woman then says, fine, I can't trust you. You're too dysregulated. You cause chaos. I have to be the safety of this family.

Yes, yes. Powerful stuff. And the hard part for a lot of men, you can't be arrogant here. Like, you can't take literally, safety. Oh, there's a roof overhead and money in the bank. She won't D like. No, no, no. There's depth to life and into a band that gives him everything that he wants. And it's quite simple a lot of the times, too. But that takes to the next one, the T. That's trust, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah. And of course, you know, you can't trust somebody you don't feel safe with. Right. But trust, again, is one of those things that's built over time with consistency. And, you know, one of the things I often saw is when people say the things they want, but then they don't have the skills to follow through. And this is part of why I focus so heavily on skills in my book, is because I'm like, I've seen often men that are very sincere, where they're like, I want to be solid, I want to be stable, I want to be consistent. I want to call her back, I want to text her back, I want to show up. But then not being able to bridge that gap because they don't have the skills, they don't have the practice, they don't have the systems, they don't have the accountability, they don't have the support network to actually be the man that they want. To be that will actually fulfill those promises. Right. And so that the building trust over time also requires you to have some kind of system so that you can actually keep the promises that you make. Right? Yes. And also it also requires having a partner who's willing to give you opportunities to earn their trust, which is where, you know, having a emotionally mature, healthy female partner as well. Right. Who will say not just, oh, no, men can't be trusted. You know, you're always going to be in my. In my bad books or, you know, I'm always going to be a little bit suspicious of you unless I micromanage you. Having a healthy partner who's willing to say, here's how you can earn my trust. Here's where I'm open to building this bridge with you. Right. Here's where I want you to win. I want you to. To earn my trust, and I'm going to give you these opportunities to do so.

Yes. Yes. That's a tough one, isn't it? Because the. I agree. Consistency, but developing the skills like you said so consistently, doing the right thing to get the greatest or best outcome for all. But it's tough. What do you do with how. Because we don't want to be control freaks, but I'd say just through the eyes of what I've been exposed to with some of my members, there's the man who doesn't want to control. He's doing everything he can within his control and leveling up and developing himself and. But there's just no resolution. Like forgiveness. Like people who say I'll forgive but never forget, they've never truly forgiven. Like, it's got to be like a card you write on, then burn up and you move forward. But what. I guess, what is the advice? A man who's working so hard, going above and beyond the woman's either frosty and closing up and. Or just berating him for things of the past that his version 2.0, now version 1 is dead. Like, who is that man? I agree, but I've fallen off. I've gone on my sword. I've pulled off my sword. But surely redemption mode forever is not healthy for anyone. Like what.

What.

What's the advice there with that situation? Crystal?

Yeah. So again, I think this is where it does take two people. But also the word that I use in when it comes to trust is not expecting yourself to be perfect. Right. It's accepting. I think this is also where a lot of men fall into the all or nothing. Right. It's like I was. I Was, you know, I made a mistake before, but now I'm going to be perfect. It's like, well, that's also like, you're a human, give yourself a little bit of, you know, honesty and self compassion, that you're probably going to screw up, you're probably going to hurt your wife's feelings, you're probably going to make a mistake, you're probably going to let her down at some point. But having the skills for repair, right, Repair is the key, is accepting that many ruptures will happen. I don't care how good of a partnership you are, there's going to be some point of friction because you're two different people at some point, right? You're going to disagree on something, there's going to be a miscommunication, somebody's going to be upset. Having the skills to make repair, which is not just asking for forgiveness and asking for it to be put into the past, but it's saying, I recognize that there has been a rupture. What do we need to do to address it to, to make sure it doesn't happen again again, that accountability and what do we need to investigate about why it even happened in the first place? Again, just really getting into the. There's a whole process of repair which then sometimes we need to then rinse and repeat. Right. And like I talk about, it's like stitches. If you have like a little mini paper cut, it doesn't need a stitch, it might just need acknowledgment. But if there's been a betrayal of trust that was like a deep wound in the relationship, or if there have been multiple betrayals of trust, you're going to need a lot of stitches. You're going to need a whole regimen of physical therapy. You're going to need a whole thing of, of what is it going to take to actually have repair so that this relationship can move on? It's not going to, you know, it's always going to have a scar, but that it can actually be repaired so that we can move forward.

Yes, valid points. Remove the element of perfection in your mind and then have patience. You know, like it's put it this way with some men who. There is still love there. And my wife and I, we, you know, we're still there, but it's very hard. And I always pose this question. If I gave you a guarantee that in 18 months time, with a 100% guarantee that you'd be reconciled two years, five years time, would it be worth. Of course it's worth the wait, I'm 43, I've got two beautiful kids. I'd like 43 to 48. Okay, well, if we shot long there and said if you did everything and you had that one. So it's the perfection that self sabotages things, and then it's also calculating risk versus reward in wanting that outcome solved. Now, because I'm a changed man, instead of going, well, hang on. If I guaranteed you in two years time, time, would you put the effort. Of course I would. It's, it's like that old question, you know, like, if you knew that you could set goals with knowing deep down you could never fail, how big would you dream? That's what I try and pose to these men because I think the perfection creates self sabotage and the, the lack of patience creates self sabotage. But it's this delicate. Yeah, but it's this delicate ecosystem, isn't it? Because as an organism, a man has needs and that's not bound by, by sexual desires. It's just feeling wanted and valued. So it's, it's a, it's a delicate one. You're right. It does take two to, to tango. But that's.

And that's. Oh, I was gonna, I was gonna just tie on to that point of. You know, sometimes the analogy I use and I put it in my book is like, if you only ever played games that you knew you were going to win, like, is that really the kind of person that you see yourself as? Like, I can't take a risk. Like, I won't play the soccer game unless I'm guaranteed my team's gonna win. Otherwise, I'm not going on the field. It's like, really, like, come on, have a little faith in yourself. Like, you know, but also, you got to go to practice, you got to learn the skills, you got to put yourself out there and, and trust that, you know, the better you, the more you work at it, the better you get at it. And eventually you're going to start winning. Right. You got to have your own back a little bit too.

Yep. Look, Agreed. Yeah, I just leveraged the timeline of. Hey, you know, if you did the work for 10 years, would it be worth the wait to more instill patience? Because you're right, nothing's guaranteed. But that's the, that's the, that's the gift of, of life itself, you know, spending some time in the unknown because it's in that space where you make the truest discoveries, funnily enough, but yes. Walk us through the rest. I mean, this is great. I know. There's the respect as well, isn't there? I think that's the R. Yes.

So the R is respect. And what I always say is, you know, this model is kind of divided into two parts of the STR the safety, trust and respect. R are the fundamentals of what a relationship needs to survive. The O N G, which is openness, nurturing, and generosity, is what a relationship needs to thrive, right? And so when I work with couples, I often see, you know, people, and I kind of, when I do my assessment, can kind of divide them into these two categories, right? Are they coming in proactively, looking, you know, they have safety, they have trust, they have respect. They're looking to take their relationship to the next level. They're being proactive. They're looking at, you know, what do we need to continue to foster openness? What do we need to nurture our family, make it really strong? What do we need to be more generous and loving with each other. There are couples that come in for that, and then there are couples that come in because they're in crisis, because they don't trust each other, they don't have respect for each other and they don't feel safe. And these couples, it's really about like, is this relationship viable? Can it even survive? Because if we don't have safety, trust and respect, it's pretty touch and go, right? Because ultimately, these are kind of the fundamental needs of humanity, right? Every human needs to feel safe. We also want to be able to trust our partners. Like, otherwise, what's the point of a partnership? And then also we want to feel respected, right? And especially for men, what I heard a lot is, you know, love and respect go very closely, hand in hand, right? Is I want to feel like my wife looks at me with admiration, right? Is that I, you know, there is that little element of like, I want to. I want to see that look in her eye where she looks at me. She's like, damn, that's my man, right? I have that, you know, that's my hero. That's my guy, right? And I think that's a little bit before that catch 22 is, is that then sometimes men hold themselves up to this like, superhero standard and they're like, I have to be perfect so that she looks at me like that. And ultimately that's not it, right? It's like being a man of integrity, being a man who could admit when he's made a mistake, that really is like standing in your power and having that self respect of like accepting I'M not perfect. I'm not a perfect man. I'm not a superhero. I'm human. And I can live within my own kind of integrity and I can look at myself with respect. And ultimately I can command the respect of my partner because I've earned it, not because I've demanded it. Right. And that's unfortunately where I see that sometimes with men where they, you know, where they feel disrespected, but ultimately they are trying to demand that their partner or their children respect them, but they haven't done the hard work to actually earn it.

Yes, fantastic layout. Like, I really like it. And well done. You know, like, you look at the element of strong itself straight away, that's gonna be attractive to a man to have some buy in. Because the question we all ask ourselves is, okay, you're a woman, so how would you know to be able to coach a man? Likewise for me, right? I'm a man, so how do I know what a woman wants and thinks? Yet we get so many emails and messages where women are like, hey, that is just like, how did he know? But, but when you dive deeper in this and you create frameworks, it's great because those first three, it's like, that's what women need. Safety, trust, respect. But then also for a man, it's like, okay, so that's the segment and section such that doing that fundamentally we're sound now, how do we thrive? So, yeah, well done. Very clever. I like it, I like it a lot. And then you lay that in, like, obviously, you know, I touch on softer things. I'm a large man, so for me to be emotional, it gives the men permission for that too. Right? Because we're proud men. But then to bring someone like yourself into this with your, with your, with your specialist skills and frameworks, adds a beautiful layer where just like women, men need all angles as well to, you know, to become more aware. Really, really, really solid. I love that. Really great stuff. The, the openness would love you to, I guess. Okay, so how do we. So we've got people, there's a dip in the relationship. And typically I tell the men to be careful because when there's a dip, at times, not always, but at times that's actually when a woman can start to even subconsciously start to plan life without them. So it's a dangerous thing. It's why there can be such a cold cut and men are like, what's going on? But now, hang on, like, needs weren't being met three years ago, man. But what I Guess I'd love for you to. Let's say there's that dip. And now it's like, okay, openness, nurturing, generosity. I'd love for you to, because I'm conscious of time, too. Hopefully the first of many sessions. But I'd love for you to walk through those three if you'd like to, Crystal, be awesome.

Yeah. Openness is really where I saw that so many couples, like you said, they kind of get the basics down, and then they kind of put their relationship on autopilot, right? And they're like, great, smooth sailing and two, you know, till death do we part. And that's the piece where then women start to feel like. Like you said, kind of disconnected. Of like, all right, I'm changing as a woman. Like, I'm, you know, growing, and I'm imagining the next step maybe after my children leave. And so the openness is cultivating those conversations of, you know, how are you changing? Right? And again, a lot of. A lot of people, they end up saying, well, I'm not changing. It's like, okay, well, ultimately your relationship might change without you. Right? And so that's kind of what I talk about, is, like, openness is so that you can continue to grow together rather than apart. Because, sure, safety, trust, and respect. If you don't have that, it can lead to a very tumultuous end of the relationship. But I've also seen the opposite, where a lot of people. And there's a great book called Gray Divorce, which talks about how there are a lot of older couples that, you know, they went smooth sailing until their children left the home, and then they looked at each other and they're like, up. I don't even know you. Right? Because we failed to stay open with each other about who we were becoming until one day we looked up and we didn't recognize who we were married to. Right? And so openness is crucial in making sure that you stay updated and also just acknowledging that as humans, you are going to continue to change. And I've heard so many couples feel threatened by the idea of change. Like, oh, my gosh, if I tell my husband that, you know, I don't like that band anymore, or I've developed an interest in blank. Like, are they going to. Like, is that. It's like if. If you start in the beginning or start cultivating those conversations about, how are you different this year? What is your goal for this year? How are you going to cultivate openness? Is there a new hobby that you want to pick up? Is There, you know, a new gym. And again, this is kind of where unfortunately, we've kind of taken these signs of newness as threats to the relationship. Right? You hear this, like, if your wife gets a new haircut, she starts going to the gym, your husband starts changing his wardrobe, look out, you know, they're on their way out. And unfortunately, it's like, if we made room for all of those changes that in a relationship, if we said, you know what, your partner's gonna one day wake up and decide they want a new hairstyle, they're gonna wake up one day and maybe decide they want to try a new type of job or whatever. And that can be something that you can. That can strengthen your relationship. That's what openness is, to make sure you continue to grow together rather than apart, and then end the nurturing. Right? And obviously, you talk about this a lot as, you know, fatherhood, nurturing your legacy. What does it mean to nurture your goals as a family? What does it mean to not just be a procreator, but really be a part of nurturing your emotional connection, your connection with your children? So it's a living thing, treating your relationship like a living thing. It needs to be attended to. It doesn't just get put on a checklist of, all right, date, wait once a month. All right, see you then, child. I will, you know, meet with you once a week, and we can talk about your grades. Right? It's so much more than that. And so nurturing the relationships on a real kind of intimate, fundamental level. And then generosity, which is kind of. I talk about like, this is the fairy dust. It's the dessert of a relationship. It's all of the things that make you go, gosh, my life is so much better because I'm in this partnership. You know, like, this person looks out for me every day. They think of ways to make my life a little bit better. They send me funny memes. They, you know, rub my head. They, you know, make sure I have fresh underwear. They, you know, all of the little things that, sure, you could do on your own. But isn't it lovely that you have somebody there who wants to be generous and make your life better?

Yes. It's a very solid, very solid framework. I love it. The. That last part is really important. I find with a lot of our men, we. It's like, again, like you said, we don't want to be box checking, because then a lot of the times, unfortunately, men will apply these quote, unquote strategies or tactics, but there isn't a foundation. It's almost like you need three levels. If I can lay the slab properly in the foundation that I do this without expectation of a return or reward, I'm just an amazing husband. That's what generosity is, right? Without expectations. That's a very good word. Then instead of needing, of course there's a want and desire to connect for us as men, you know, without a queen with what are we? It's like, you know, without that element of emotional connection for us, as much as we can be, men are gout and hunt and produce and whatnot. Well, without that we just become robotic money making killing machines. What's the point? What's the point of life or anything? So now look, I really, I really like that my, I guess our, our philosophy crystal is people invest. Even, even for men listening to this who aren't say members are on the inside. This is always, this is why we really over deliver it and give value. Like our philosophy is people invest when they see value, whether it's even as time and ears today of guys listening to this. But a person will continue to invest when they feel valued. I think that's really important, you know, like if you've got to have both, otherwise there's just what a burn and churn of relationships, business or personal, like it's not, it's not the path. I really like that strong the, yeah, the whole approach is. Yeah, sorry, you're right. You go, oh.

I just want to say like going back to that point of what you said about men that end up giving, giving, giving. I think that's also what I want to say is the G is the end. You don't start with generosity. And often I see this with men, right, where they're like, I'm going to start, I'm going to love Bomber, I'm going to give her gifts and I'm going to do everything for her. I'm going to make her life easy. And then it's like, no, so that's the fairy dust. That's the last piece. You got to start with the safety, trust and respect. Sometimes the harder work, right? It's like, yeah, you know, I don't know, you can pick out the tile, but until you've laid the rebar, you know, like you don't, you got to start with the fundamentals, right.

So yeah, that's powerful. Yeah. It didn't even put thought into that where actually the word itself, in some respects, of course you can be nurturing and safe at the same time, but essentially, yes, the The. The G at the end is. Is a. Is. Is a solid thing because a lot of the times, through men trying to attain financial reward and. Or be invested in someone, quote, unquote, a honeymoon period, they go above and beyond at either the cost of setting their own expectations that aren't valid and. Or corrupting, I would say, possibly, because we could all influence each other. Right. But corrupting the woman's psyche. Like. Like the woman who. Who always dates the bad boys or the woman who. Who always overdoes the. The makeup or surgeries or other things. And I've got no issue with that. But maybe it's unnecessary because. But. But that was a seed that was planted through the sphere of influence that said, your entire value is based off your physical appearance. Like, this is a real thing. So you. What you mentioned before, like, it's very important on. On. On influence and both the man's part and the woman's part, because, like, well, hang on. Am I not setting the bar too high? Am I creating a distorted view of what a healthy relationship should be because I'm giving her flowers and showering her in gifts? Yeah, yeah. Really important point.

Yeah. And that's where I think, you know, I talk about it as well. It's like the difference between performance and personhood. Often unhealthy relationships overvalue performance from either partner. Right. Either it's like, oh, you know, what can you get me? What kind of money can you bring me? Or, you know, how beautiful are you? What. What do you look like on my ar, like, as a performative kind of strategy versus, like, I value you as a person, and I'm invested in forming a personal connection. I value your personhood. Right. And that's also, again, like you said, very societal. Often men are very much taught, right. That your money, your performance, your status is what's important about you. And again, really just coming back to. No, ultimately, your personhood is what's valuable. And finding a partner who will value that and will affirm that and will say, you are desirable because you are my person, not. Not because of your status or your car or your wallet. And those are the kinds of relationships that ultimately are fulfilling in the long run.

Yes, agreed. Agreed. Look, it's been a fantastic session, Krystal. Thank you so much for giving the time. Hopefully the first of many, I guess, to finish up that beautiful framework. There's plenty we can dive into in this book, but great way to start with the acronym of strong and what entails represents. But I guess to wrap up with what would be like, Well, I guess, yeah, your top one or two pieces of advice, action based or not, could, could be inner work, could be reflective, it could be writing. But like, I guess what, what would be your top one or two pieces of advice for men listening today? To get the most value out of this session and, and then look to start to create or initiate some change.

Honestly, I think of just what came up for me, it was like, give yourself a chance. I think sometimes it can feel really daunting, right, to make change or, you know, gosh, I've been in this marriage for so long, or these patterns have been there for so long and, you know, is change really possible? Some of these, you know, narratives, it's like, give yourself a chance. You know, you don't know what you're capable of until you try. And, you know, maybe try a different way too, if you like, but I have tried. It's like, well, you know, maybe try a different tool, maybe try a different coach, maybe try a different strategy, but give yourself a chance. Give yourself a chance to have the life that you deserve and the love that you've always wanted.

I love that. Yes. And, and we can't sit on our hands. I've tried. Tried what, what does that mean? You're in a different passage of time now. Try something and, or try again. But, but yeah, it's, it's, it's so true what you mentioned. Then. Like, there's a book that I'm reading called Psycho Cybernetics. It's a great book. And the number one goal for all people is, is self imagery. How are you seeing yourself? If you see yourself as the failure because you're not perfect in your relationship or as a failure because your previous track record, if your previous existence, if your previous track record defined your existence, growth would be impossible. But here we are. It's like the ultimate part of life. So I love that because as much as we can create pain for women, of course a lot of men suffer within. And it doesn't mean that your life's falling apart either. It's just those death by a thousand cuts, the little things that says, hey, you don't deserve a chance. Where did that come from? Who just said that? In my head, you know, it's like this dialogue which we all have, that little devil inside. It's like, no, no, you got, you gotta. I love that. Give yourself a chance. No. Thank you so much, Crystal. Hope you've enjoyed this as well. It's been, it's been amazing to get to know you and hear some more about this. It's a great book that I stole from Adam, so I'll make sure that I don't give it back to him because I'm going to enjoy it. Thank you so much. It's an amazing read so far anyway, but yeah, looking forward to connecting again in the future.

Thank you so much for having me. This was great.

Yes. That was a great session, Crystal. Well, that wraps up another episode. And just as we wind this down, I want you to just reflect and think back through some of the golden nuggets, some of the revelations, some of the sore points, some of the things that might have hit home with you. And then just look at ways that you can apply a different set of actions to change your position, change your circumstances, change your feelings, and change the facts. These episodes are done with your best interest at heart and there's always something we can get from that. Maybe it's not the first time, maybe it's the second time. We've had members listen to episodes four or five times and then it finally clicks. But either way, I hope you got a lot of value out of this. And also, if this is something that you really want to solidify inside of your life, repetition is the key. You've listened to it. Write down your revelations, think about them, read them, speak them, believe in the changes that you you will carve out in the action plan of those revelations to create change in your life and then share that. And when you teach, you learn the second time, right? So teaching and showing this to others you love and care about is the greatest way that you can remember. And make sure you consistently learn and relearn what is it's true and what is it is important to you in your heart. Take care. Have an amazing day, night, weekday weekend, and I'll see you for another one soon. Cheers.