3. The Little Boss

Foreign. Good afternoon and good evening, depending on where you are in the world and when you listen to or watch this. Welcome guys. My name's Big Red and this is episode three of the Real Dad Movement podcast. If you haven't checked out already, guys, it was pretty phenomenal. The story on our second episode, just chatting to Dan Suckling, who losing his mother at an early age ignited a fire inside himself to really get after. Helping mothers create real change in their life, something real, something they can absolutely have that will ultimately help them be better mothers. Partners. But starting first and foremost with themselves and investing in themselves first. And Dan's helped thousands of women's lives and it's pretty phenomenal the success he's had and something. I just, I just, I really love that episode. It was awesome. So if you haven't had a chance to go back and listen to it or watch it on YouTube, please check it out, guys. It's a pretty phenomenal radio. Today, what we're going to talk about is the little boss. We're going to touch on my daughter Stella and just shed some light on my experiences with her so far and fatherhood in general and what that truly means to me and how it's created an amazing effect in my life and through the ups and the downs coming out and continuing to come out the other end every day with a level of gratitude and love and ultimately high level of belief in myself is something that my daughter Stella has played a massive role in helping me become the man I am now. And I'm sure she'll help me and challenge me in becoming a better man as time goes on, as she gets older. And it really is an amazing thing, guys, because when I look at fatherhood and this is something where you don't have to be a parent, you don't have to be a father or a mother to realize or to see this or have this experience. But more often than not, when we have those aha. Or those light bulb or those real significant moments in our life, they're based around the double sided coin of our reality and consciousness, which is life and death. And both play an equally important role. I feel and I believe although one is obviously perceived to be of loss and grief and mourning, which is understandable, that's something where we have lost or we have no longer a connection with someone who has been part of our life and obviously a significant part of our lives, regardless, with their family or friends. But touching on the side of life, it truly was amazing when it happened and how it all unfolded. Back in 2016, in August, and Stella was a little bit early. She's an IVF baby. We've had IVF for both of our children. And so it hasn't been an easy road, by no means, especially for Corinne, obviously, but takes two to tango. And a partnership is absolutely what's needed in having a successful outcome in Stella and obviously Lillian as well. So it really rocked me, and I think it hits a lot of men, a lot of fathers, because, well, naturally, we're Mr. Fix. It's. Aren't we being primal and being men who just want to fix things and think through things logically? There's many, many elements of life that we don't have control over that. And one of those, in a big way, is absolutely fatherhood and trying to help as best as we can. And the best way to help is just showing a level of support to your partner or significant other while they're going through this process. And Stella came out through cesarean, I hope. Well, I'm sure Corinne won't mind, but doesn't mind me sharing this, but look, it's too late for that now, Corinne, so I'm sorry. Look, Stella came into this world and truly was amazing. It's almost like flicking a switch. It was crazy, and it was tough. It wasn't an easy run to start with. She came down with bronchiolitis at four weeks of age. And we're seeing kids two, three, four times her age in the same ward as us, traveling to Sydney and other hospitals to get better treatment because they were going downhill fast. RSV and bronchiolitis, and it's pretty surreal. I'm not someone who really worries in life, and I'm not a huge believer, to be fair. When you look at things, it doesn't mean I don't have compassion or concern. I do believe there's a difference between concern and worry. And the first time when I truly, genuinely worried in a long time is when Stella became sick. It was really hard because there was nothing I could do. She couldn't communicate it clearly to me. And I was just way out of my depth in what I've experienced in my life. Even though I've got an amazing amount of experience in other areas of my life. It's something you just can't. You can't buy or learn or read. Learn through reading. Sorry. And this was. This is one of those moments because my daughter couldn't communicate to me. She couldn't really breathe that well, and pulling snot and all that sort of stuff out and it was pretty rough period of my life. That's when I started to look at this and go, okay, well this is real, this is the real deal. This is something that's a part of me and someone who I hold dear to my heart. And she's absolutely part of me. And Krin and I are connected obviously in different ways though. Stella is like blood to me and you know, that was something that really hit home with me. And from there it's been quite a journey. She came good eventually, thank God, and we moved forward in going through all the experiences when she sat up for the first time and rolled around and well, even before that, the first few baths we had where she would continuously shit in my hand as soon as I took the nappy off and thanks, darling. We couldn't wait till before the bath or after the bath was right when I picked you up. Yes, I'm sure they plan that, don't they? Those listening would, who have been through similar would agree. And these moments, the hardest one of all is the fact that she probably still hasn't slept through more than three or four times. And at the time of this recording here in May 13, 2019, it's nearly three years now where my daughter hasn't slept through. And this isn't painting a whole picture of poor me. What about me? It's real and it's real for a lot of parents and there are a lot of parents who have an easier run in that respect, but maybe a tough run in other respects. And that is the beauty, the joys and challenges of life. But being sleep deprived, running a business, trying to be an elite athlete, man, that was hard. Oh, that was so hard for me. And this little boss was so demanding, just wouldn't sleep, wouldn't close her eyes. You put your hand over her eyes and say, go to sleep and do everything. We did everything. We got advice from everyone, obviously and we tried and tested it all and sometimes it just is what it is with those little humans in running their own course and doing what they feel is necessary. And that's been the hardest part. All the other things that and her well being obviously when she gets sick and was incredibly sick at four weeks of age and you're watching them and that was the tough part, that the four weeks of age, you're watching them fail over and over again, trying to put a cannula in and this tiny little hand, I don't blame them for the doctors and nurses, like it's bloody hard work trying to find this little tiny vein and put this cannula in. It was rough. And trying to get a high on sucrose, this little sugar drops that basically makes babies high was the only option to try and settle it down. The poor thing was screaming. These are moments where it does hit home when you realize there are so many things in life that we don't control. And a lot of the times Stella, the law boss, even now is one of them. Running around the house and doing all sorts of crazy things. She just loves getting naked. It's crazy. She'll run and just, you know, I'll be like, hey, get back here. And she'll just get out of the bath and just sprint and just run around. It's ridiculous. I remember one of my best mates, Brenton, at Millie's first birthday party. We were there. That's his daughter. We were there and just hearing screaming, this child to come back. And I look back and out behind the jumping castle there, I just see this little bottom and legs sprinting away and his hair bobbing. And lo and behold, it's my daughter Stella at this party with probably well over 60 people and we didn't know most of them and she's just running around naked, enjoying the fruits of life. But look, she's got an incredibly free will and free spirit. And in terms of the flow of today, I just wanted to share a bit of light about little boss Stella, my firstborn, and how she has affected and influenced my life. And it's an interesting thing with fatherhood. Is there a right or wrong? I'm not sure. There's probably one in which people deem should be right or wrong in life and how you interact, engage. But my basic principles are I pretty much let Stella do whatever she wants as long as that's in line with what I want her to do. That sounds really funny and hard to quote for people initially to understand that. But it's having that ultimate truth that I'm a live and let live kind of guy. And I'm like that with most people. And with her, she's so strong, she's so fierce now. It's very stubborn at times. But she's a Leo as well. So being a part Leo as well, I feel that we certainly have some clashes, which is phenomenal. And Kryn looks back and shakes her head at us. But look, it's something of hers that I think my parents gave me as well. And it truly is that high level of belief and expression of self and that's so important these days. I feel like that's Massively important in children. I don't want this robot. That old saying, kids should be seen and not heard. I mean, that to me is ridiculous. But I guess it depends on what the outcome is. And that's the big thing, isn't it? What is the outcome? What's the point? What's the purpose? And I ask that with many things in life, what is the purpose and the point? And when you've got this little part of you and piece of you that has their own soul, spirit, whatever you want to call it, and they're growing and you're trying to nurture them, and they're growing and finding themselves in the world and challenging and testing. There's a lot of lessons we can pull from that. There's a lot of things we can take away from children and things they learn. And that is ultimately one of the biggest things that I love, that my parents gave me, that ability to have that freedom, expression and belief to move towards whatever I feel at the time. And they would correct me as needed. And I got smacks on the bum and those sorts of things, as I feel I deserved absolutely at the time for some of the actions and things I did. That just brought me back to a memory of roughhousing with the brothers. And my brother Tim Crash tackled me through the gyprock in our kitchen. Maybe that's another story. But yes, there's lots of crazy times that went on where rightfully so we were. We were corrected and adjusted. But I just want people to realize and understand out there. And I'm not giving parents advice on how to be better parents. My skill and what I do best with Real dad movement is raising a level of belief in the fathers in themselves, and raising and changing their perspective to see the world in a different light, to see the world through a different lens, which ultimately gives them opportunities to be better parents because they're better within themselves. But an absolute universal truth that I think we all need to understand is they're not products. Our children aren't products. They're not something that we shape and mold to our liking for our benefit. I mean, how selfish in the wrong light. I talk about being selfish and investing in yourself, but when you're affecting to the potential detriment of others, which you may not see at the time, that can be a damaging thing. And it's the you may not see at the time part which is the dangerous one. If you don't have a level of creativity or a scope in which you can look outside and see how this could Potentially be affecting people. I'm not saying I'm the world's best dad because that's a point of perspective and a point of opinion that others will hold true themselves. What I am saying is it's a natural gift in looking at the different elements of fatherhood and seeing that kids absorb everything from you, not just the words you say, your energy, your presence. You know, like, Stella's up on the lounge and I'll be like, be careful, don't jump down, you might hurt yourself. All of a sudden, what she has created is a neural pathway between me looking at her standing there and looking at the floor and where she could jump down and seeing that that's a place of fear. That's where something wrong can happen. That's where there's pain and yeah, maybe so, but it's like putting the cart before the horse. Like, when you look at this stuff, it's like people may see in these circumstances, prevention is better than cure. But what you're looking to prevent is a future that may not even exist. And that's my problem. That's issue with fear and worrying because you're robbing present moments of a future that may or may not exist. And with Stella, I don't do that. Of course, I'm cautious. I don't let her climb up or jump on a ladder. Let's go up on top of the roof. There's all these different calculations that are happening immediately inside of myself to gauge the risk versus reward of imposing or stopping what she's doing or letting her go for it and discover for herself. Like she, our house is double brick veneer and our hallway's brick, and she's on this little motorized car and I was chasing her, so I guess I take responsibility for it. And she, in a fun games type way, and she turned around to look at me and then turned right into the wall and took a big gash out of one of her fingers. And she was crying and screaming. I was like, oh, that's a lesson learned for me to try not to distract her when there's different elements of danger and risk, of course. But that's a lesson for her as well. And she hasn't done it again. And that's something where as parents, I think we try and cover or shield our children from the experiences we've had, but know that when you're doing those sorts of things, you're taking away some of the life lessons. And something my father told me, which is absolutely true, you know, it's better and faster in many ways. Not always to learn from someone else's experiences than your own. Absolutely. You know, we're not. We're not creatures with a single cellular ignorance where we have to do everything ourselves. You can certainly see that, engage those things as we get older. But that's the problem point as we get older. Initially, it's something where it is a discovery process for children and for what they feel is their life at the moment, at the minute, and what they're looking to achieve. And when we try and impose our own will on that sort of stuff, I think it can really take away from them being able to freely express what it is that appeals to them and discovering life in a different light. And this is something that. And not to go off on a tangent, guys, it is something I'm massively passionate about, kids having that ability. And the big thing here that we need to make sure we have hit home with us and within ourselves is understanding that we are all byproducts of our environment. The beauty of being an adult is we can change that environment. We've got a level of expertise, level of skill or time in the game or mental capacity to change that, to see that. So some don't. And that's an unfortunate reality. And sometimes we may feel stuck. And that's why I'm here to try and help you guys see that there's always an option, there's always a pathway forward for you in the right light. But with children, they have limited control over that, don't they? We've got our parents and what we do with them, and then they've got their schooling or daycare, those sorts of things, and their friendship and networking groups, those sorts of things. But right at the crux of it, right at the very core, the key elements, the base, apart from like daycare in the very early years of school, is what your mother or father are doing to, with and for you. And this isn't about the words we speak. You know, you can't just take words that we speak and with the intellect and the way in which you express them, think that that's the only way to communicate, the only way to express energy to our children. It's one form. But again, underdeveloped minds. How can you reason or, you know, have engaging conversations to your level when you're discussing or talking to kids and children. Stella's nearly three, so we absolutely talk, but it's the energy, the presence, what they feel, how you hold yourself, your posture, what you do, how you position yourself, your body language. All these different things play a role and they're not dumb. When you talk about that first five years, they're a sponge and they soak up so much. It truly does come down to understanding that this is not just the words you speak, but as human beings. And also we get lazy. We think that's all it is because we can communicate easy. But what about our eyes, ears, our nose, like smell, all these different senses that we can absolutely use and utilize? Music and those sorts of things. When you're doing cooking, teaching your kids about that food, about heat, all different elements, it's pretty amazing to see that when you have that wide view or that wide scope about the creative ways in which you can instill and build values and principles into your children without them knowing what a value means or knowing what a principal means. Because the age they're at, it's there. It's ingrained in them. It's their conscious, their subconscious. It becomes their programming, how they're conditioned. And then when you're doing that in the right light from a place of love and nourishment, I feel you can't lose. They're going to live their life as we get on. And look, she'll head into a teenage years and there'll be another challenge for me. And there'll be many other challenges. That's why I still weight train. That's why I've still got big biceps and a big frame to handle those boys when she brings them home. To be fair though, she's. She's a very fierce little girl. So I've got a feeling I'll be consoling the boys she brings home and patting them back and saying, it's okay, mate, yes, she does own you. That's all right because that's absolutely the outcome that could be real for her. But this is life. These are the stages of life. I don't own her. She doesn't belong to me. Is she under my duty of care, my responsibility? Is she part of me? Absolutely. I still don't own her. We don't own anything in this world. We own ourselves, our own free will and the consciousness in which we choose to express whatever life we want and experiences we choose to have. And this is something where having that high level of understanding of that reality, it takes a lot of pressure off. It takes a lot of pressure off me in different ways to not fret or think that she's going to live her life. Everything's going to be okay, regardless of the good and the bad times. Broken bones, Relationships, all different things. That's life. And that's her right. That's who am I to come and. And impose my will in a detrimental way, forcefully. And that's where there's gray areas here as well. It's quite an interesting thing, but, man, she's taught me so much about this and this sort of stuff. Guys, like I said, this isn't giving parental advice. There's stuff you find that resonates with you. Amazing. But looking at that and what she's taught me, we can learn so much. I mean, you're never too old to learn. You're never too young to teach. And whether they know it or not, our children can offer us some unbelievable life lessons every single day. They truly can. Because when Lillian was born, Stella was driving me up the wall. It was madness. I was going crazy. I was getting into rage mode internally. Obviously, I'm quite a large man, and I didn't want to express on the herbal. Oh, man, this is so frustrating. Some of this stuff she's doing and how she's acting, and it's like she's got add times 500. I've got to do this and be a husband and run businesses and do all this sort of stuff. And it was pretty, pretty intense. And again, it helped me just shift my state and look back and step back and go, wow, come on out. Is being this way serving you, A, serving you and B, helping you being the best father you can be. And she helps me with that. And she does continue to help me with that little boss. And she's such an incredible little girl. And I feel blessed to have her in my life. And I continuously learn from her. And I'm just trying to think of some funny stuff she does. But I guess it's really, really funny how, like I said, they will impose their will and you'll be able to have that negotiating middle ground. I mean, life. Life is sales. Everything is sales and transactions. And you see that through negotiating, whether it's, you know, this bit of toast or she's trying to eat my food or eat my dinner or I'll have my phone. And look, we don't let her play with technology much, but it's something we like her to be aware of. It is absolutely the future. But there'll be times where I'll be sitting there and either posting things like this or flicking emails or whatnot, and she'll come up to me, here, Daddy, you lay down. You have a relaxer. I'll look after your phone for you. The little negotiator. Just so funny how she coordinates and tries to guide and control and I don't think manipulate. It's not out of a bad light, but it's pretty impressive to see the ability that children have and what they can truly offer us and teach us in life itself and all the different stages. And again, whether you're a parent or not, dealing with children and having kids in your life or there are lessons in here that I take that helps me really engage with adults and other people. Having that level of tolerance or that different temperament or seeing in a different light human behavior as a whole, regardless, like I said of how you express through words, but through, you know, your body language, your presence, your charisma, your posture, all different things. There are so many different things that make up human engagement and language as a whole, so to speak. But little boss can't believe she's turning three in August this year. It's pretty amazing how quick time goes. And I'm not sure why I chose to do a little episode on Stella. I guess just to share with you guys something about my daughter and what we love about her and how I just love the opportunity that I've had. And even if this didn't come along, I'd find different ways to experience life. But being a father the of kind, like I said, going through IVF and many trials and tribulations with that many failed attempts and obviously lots of money, it truly is a blessing and one that I won't take for granted each and every day. And I hope with you guys listening to this, I really hope you've enjoyed today's episode, but seeing some of the things I've spoken about, I hope some of this resonates with you guys and you can take from it little truths, little home truths, little golden nuggets that may help you in situations or circumstances with kids older or younger or no kids at all, in having that level of appreciation and gratitude in what it is that truly is the miracle of life. Seeing energy right there in front of you, moving and running around and doing things. Like I said, whether it's pets or friends or anything, it truly is amazing seeing how energy can be expressed through life and through others around us. And it's just, it's an incredible. It's an incredible thing from which we can continue to draw that different perspective, have that lens in which we choose to see the world. I say that many, many times because it's an everlasting one and an ever changing one too, that can be knocked from us but making sure we are realigned with that. It truly is an amazing thing. And I love being a father. It's something that. It's the greatest thing, one of the greatest things that's ever happened to me because of how it's allowed me to look inside of myself and say, what can you do, Elle? How can you change you? How can you shift who you are to be better, to be a better man, to be a better human being. Not just for them, for myself. Because when I'm a better human being for myself, with myself and with self love, everyone around me gets better version of me. Everyone around me gets fed. Everyone around me who's part of my world and my reality gets the full l, gets 100%, gets Big Red, always. And look, if there's anything you ever need, guys, I've said it before, reach out. I hope you're enjoying this sort of stuff. I'll dive in. Like I said, twice a week I'm going to be doing Mondays and Thursdays. I find that's a better split. I've changed it Mondays and Thursdays. Releasing episodes like this and just offering different bits and pieces that gives you some insight into my world. Some things that may help you shift your perspective or understand that there is a way forward. You can have a high level of belief within yourself. And today on today's topic, talking about the little boss, Stella and some of the things that she's done and what we've been through in the last three years. It is absolutely amazing to sometimes use external forces to draw some internal inspiration. Our environment absolutely plays a massive role in who it is that we continually shape to become. But none so more as important as the perspective that we have from those environments or how we choose to see our situations. And it can be rough, it can be an absolutely daunting thing, especially when Lillian came into this world. But I'm doing way more, more effectively in less time. So I am still spending time with my family since she was born and I've up leveled up skilled myself again and I will not stop. And that is the amazing thing. We can continue to strive for higher levels of greatness. And that's something that is always, always an opportunity as a parent and never a burden. Fatherhood, parenthood is not a burden. And people will laugh because the first thing that comes to mind is no sleep, living on coffee, frustrated kids fighting, all these different things. Yeah, they're all there. But would you want it any other way? And when you say or have an answer for that, bear in mind. That's an answer based off who you are right now on who you've chosen to be from the experiences of parenthood up until now. Hope that makes sense. Right guys, this closes out episode three, the little boss, little Stella, she's such a little powerhouse. August 6, 2016 Leo, by no means will you get confused on what starshow star sign she is. You can absolutely tell that she's a Leah. And man, what a, what a shaker of and mover of mountains that she will become. I can absolutely see that as this little girl is turning into three going on 33. Unbelievable. So I'll sign off with a little excerpt out of Jim Carrey in the Truman Show. Hope you've enjoyed today, guys. And if I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening and good night. Take care, guys. I'll see you on the next one. Cheers.