No Balls: A trio of trophies & Crossy's England future...

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Al, we've got to issue a swear warning because you are an absolute potty mouth.

Not another one.

And you need to remember that your.

Grandma listens to this.

She does. She also abuses me on social media.

But don't worry, we beep it out.

So your kids can listen.

And Grandma Jean. First ball castled.

Now I'm celebrating for Crossy. That one was for Crossy. That was a beautiful delivery. The wobble ball again from Kate Cross. And that is such an important wicket. Kate Cross in for the hat trick ball. Oh, so wide. Hello, and welcome back to no Balls, the cricket podcast with me, Alex Hartley, and you, Kate Cross.

I think it warrants a bigger hello than that. Look where we are.

Oh, my God. Okay, we're in a studio set.

Not just any studio. It's like a TV studio.

That's well good, isn't it?

Is this the one that goes on YouTube, do you reckon? No, never.

It's BBC.

Can people stop asking us that, by the way?

Yeah, if we weren't gonna be on.

YouTube, we'd be on it and we'd let you know.

We're on YouTube. We don't do YouTube. We do little clips that go on Instagram.

Grassy. You've only won another trophy.

Not another one.

Not another one. I'm really. You've not brought all your medals?

Oh, it was too early when my alarm went off this morning.

Oh, yeah, Fair.

Got back from Southampton yesterday. The hellish, hellish bus journey that was.

I text you probably 45 minutes into the bus journey and said, how's it going? You said, we've had three spews already.

Yeah. And I was all right. I was feeling really quite good at that point, but I think in hindsight I was probably still drunk.

Yeah.

And then the hangover hit when we got to Warwick. Services had a subway and then that. I was no good after that. I didn't spew. But yeah, we had. We were joking. We were like, oh, we 30 minutes in here and we're three down already. It's like it's 30 for three early. It's a tough pitch. And then Phoebe G was one of the ones that had went down early and then she had to go back into the toilet and she was like, oh, got a good ball there.

Couldn't keep that one out.

But in all seriousness, three trophies this year.

I know.

Two for lengths, two for lengths, one for superchargers. I got it here.

Yeah. So people who can't see this, this will go on Instagram, I'm sure. But we've got this little. Well, it's quite a big TV actually in the background, isn't it?

Yeah, I wouldn't mind that at home, but you'd have to do it the other way. Oh, it is, look, it's a proper telly.

Yeah, they've just flipped. Oh, it's just strapped onto something here. They're just nice.

There you go.

Probably not going to talk about the ins and outs of it, but it looks cool and it's got loads of pictures of us and all our trophies that we've won on the.

Well, all your trophies.

No, your World cup, sir. Anyone playing the drinking game?

Well, good, well, good. You talked about the after party, but what about the game?

Yeah, well, actually a few games because the semi final was unbelievable. Obviously we bowled Blaze out basically in the last four overs of the game.

Yes, of course. Forgot about that one.

Really. Kind of snuck ourselves through to a final and then going down to Hampshire, I think is always, always hard. And we've only beat Hampshire once and that was this year in the T20. So we've never beat them in 50 over cricket.

Oh, my God.

So I think we probably went into it as underdogs, but I feel like the 50 over stuff, we played 14 group games this year. So you played everyone twice, which is the most cricket we've ever played in domestic, in the domestic structure. And we were sat second for a lot of that tournament and then finished ultimately third because of our rained off game at Arendelle.

Oh, did you? I didn't realize that.

So it felt like we were one of the teams to beat and ironically, we'd beat Surrey twice, we'd beat the Blaze twice, but we'd lost to Essex, we'd lost to. We'd lost to Somerset, we'd lost. The team sat below us, basically. So it's a bit of a strange season in that regard, but, yeah, then I think you go down to Hampshire and the game.

All the way to Hampshire.

All the way to Hampshire. We actually did. Half the journey on the Friday went well, most of the journey on the Friday went down to Reading. Stayed in Reading, so that then we didn't have to go as far on the Saturday for training. But the final was always going to be at the utility. It didn't matter who had got through. So it wasn't like Hampshire had got the home advantage or anything. Well, for finishing higher, I mean, it was always just going to be down there. And then we won the toss and bowled and couldn't take a wicket on that pitch.

I know. I was watching it and I was like, I text Eve Jones saying, are we bowling badly or are they just biting well? And she said, a little bit of both.

Oh, no, I completely disagree.

Really?

I thought we bowled, so I thought it won't go as noticed because Gabby scored 140 in a final, but to keep them under 300 on that pitch, I thought was a phenomenal effort. Yeah, yeah. It was just.

It was just.

It was the pitch that we played on against India, you just. It was so hard to take wickets on. So I knew that even though they'd got 280 and it's a final and that's a lot of runs to chase, I knew if we had one of our top five could stay in and do it, we would do it.

I only did one of our top five. Stay and do it. She got 140 not out.

Oh, my God. I. I said to her, I was probably quite drunk at the time, but I've never seen you text me that. Anyone domestically back like that in a final. Like how her. Like Ellie said it, she was like. It was a knock that was mature beyond her years. She's 24 years old and she's just managed to produce that for a team that she's only just stepped into. She came and played the back end for us. So we had Kate and Max start the summer with us as overseas and Alana King through the middle when the blast and the hundred was going on. And then Gabby finished the season off for us. So it's still a fairly new team.

For us and in a way outperformed both those Aussies.

Yeah, I mean, she got us. She got us a win at Sale as well with that ridiculous run chase where Duckworth Lewis hadn't really helped us. So as far as going, as an overseas goes, you're desperate to put performances in and she's won two games and one of them was probably the final for us. But, yeah, no, I don't think we bowled badly at all. I think it was such a good pitch and they had batters who got themselves in and then got themselves out. So I knew if we got ourselves in and didn't get ourselves out, then we had a really, really good chance of winning that game. But still, I still think to chase two eight in a final. I know, four down.

Honestly, I was glued to the, I want to say the telly, but I wasn't. It was glued to a phone. Ready, Daniel, text me being like, do you want to come down and be in hospital? And I was like, it's a long way, Daniel, It's a long way. And I was like, I'm not actually around. And then when I was watching, I was like, I should be there. I should have gone.

It was so, so, so nice because Lanx paid for all of our squad to go down. So Tara, Eve, Jono, who've all got injured, Liv Bell, who's been injured most of the summer, like, everyone was there. So on the photo at the end, it's all of our staff and all of our squad players because we had 21 players play in the 50 over comp this year. So it was like a real squad effort and obviously we went into it without Lammy and Sophie Ecclestone as well. So we're missing two of our big players there. So it was, I think that's what made it such a special win. I think I said in an interview that the, the T20 County cup that we won, it's anyone's day in T20 cricket and we did outplay everyone that day as well. But this has felt like a proper sixth month worth, like, project. Yeah. And it's actually the five year project you start. You basically started this with Paul Shaw because he said he always used to say it's a five year project and Lancashire.

Yeah.

Now.

And it's been five years.

This is year five and we've won two out of three trophies.

Surely we sat there going, now then. I told you. Yeah, I told you.

If I were a betting man, if.

I Were a better man. I told you this would happen.

Yeah. So, yeah, it was an epic day. Epic day. But I think, yeah, what I'm trying to get is like, it was the cumulation of the summer, not just a final win. It felt like we deserved so much from the competition anyway. And I'm sure Blaze felt like that's.

A perfect way to finish the season.

Couldn't have been better. Except for the bus journey. Almost not good. Not good.

Not a good day. Right, Crossy. It's been the year of Kate Cross. We've spoken about it. You've won three trophies, you've had an amazing summer, you've won two with blanks, one with the superchargers. And I don't know how you carried that trophy because it's well heavy, but it's also not really been the year of Kate Cross either, in a strange way.

Yeah, it's been a really odd year. We had a chat about this a couple of. Well, about a month ago, didn't we?

And you can hear it now, Crossy.

Bit of a tough week this week, hasn't it?

Yeah, yeah, it has, actually.

Probably. Probably one of the toughest I've had in my career, actually. Yeah, I got a bit rough news last week, actually. I had my appraisal with Lot and Finchy, our director of cricket, and they just told me that I'm not going to get my England contract renewed next year. So as of October this year, 2025, I will not be a professional cricketer for England anymore.

And one, well done for saying that.

Without really, really dreadful, actually dreading saying that. I feel sick.

It is possibly the worst news you'll get as a cricketer.

It is. I think I've tried. It's still really raw. So that's why, obviously we're doing this chat now, because I feel like when this all gets announced, the emotion will probably have gone out of it quite a lot. So I was quite keen that we were able to have this chat. A little bit selfishly for me as well, because I know how much this podcast actually helps us when we go through tough times. And we've always said we'll be really honest about the harder times of our.

Careers as well as the brilliant times.

But, you know, from a selfish point of view, getting to just chat it through with your best mate is quite important as well. So God knows what's gonna happen in the next 10, 15 minutes.

But, yeah, are you ready to talk us through the build up to it? Because you had an inkling, didn't you? At the end of the series against India, you were like, I think I've just played my last game and not sure yet.

Yeah, yeah. So I think just before I probably get into it, just bear with me a little bit because I'm still processing it all. Like I said, it's still really raw and I'm still the context.

This happened three days ago.

Yeah. And it's now the eve of the hundred starting. So for anyone, you know, people might never hear this, it might not see the light of day, but I've now got to go and play in what is normally the funnest tournament in the year, which you always normally see me smiling. And I already know it's going to be a really tough three or four weeks for me, so. But yeah, so I started the series, the India series, opening the bowl in for England as vice captain and I finished that series not even making the 13 that was named the night before for the squad to play in that last ODI series. And Lottie said to me in a chat the day before the game that it was a must win game and I'm not part of the 13. And I think as a cricketer who's always prided myself on being a reliable bowler for your captain who, you know, would hopefully stand up in big moments and do what I've done for a while for England, that was, that was pretty tough to hear that, that, you know, I felt like there had been a lot of trust had been lost quite quickly in my opinion. So I came, I spoke to you, didn't know that day and I was like, oh wow. My chat couldn't have actually gone worse with lot of I've been dropped. So I think I'm not daft. I'm old enough and wise enough and been around the block plenty of times to know that something's happened there that might mean my future is maybe in a little bit of jeopardy. And as it so happened, our appraisals were about 10 days after that series, so I'd gone back and played a couple of games for Lanx. I think anyone that saw those performances might know that I was a bit all over the shop and quite uncharacteristic of me of how I performed. So yeah, got went down to Loughborough on Thursday last week and that was when I had my meeting and I think I was in there for approximately six minutes and then drove myself home.

It's always one of those where you know it's coming and you try and process it, but it doesn't make it any easier and you still feel like your whole world has.

Just when I came out of that India series, I felt a little bit lost and a little bit like. Like I said, like, I didn't feel like Lottie trusted me that much, having started the series where I did. And, like, I even said to Lottie, I'm not daft. I know I didn't bowl great at Southampton. I didn't feel like it was a droppable off, but, like, I know that wasn't me at my best. And I guess I've also been trying to work out whether this is actually me at my best now, whether that back injury meant that, you know, I've lost a little bit of something and that happens. That's professional sport, isn't it? That's. That's the stuff that you kind of come to terms with, I guess. But I don't quite feel like that's the case. I feel like I still have a lot to give the team. And I know every. Everyone that gets. Gets pushed out will say that they'll say that they always still felt like they've got stuff to give.

I guess for anybody that doesn't really understand the emotion and what you go through, like, how did you feel like before you went in to your appraisal?

Just awful. We had. We had the opportunity to take someone from the PCA into our appraisal, which is the first time we've had the chance to do that. So. You know Tom from. He's actually the. The Surrey pdm, but he's doing a bit of work with that. Pardon?

He's a superstar.

He's a. I. Looking back, I'm so, so glad I opted to take him in. But I actually text him the night before my appraisal. I just said, look, Tom, I've bummed an art about whether I need you in there tomorrow, but I've just got this awful feeling that something's happening. And he was like, what on earth. You know, classic. You're overthinking this, that we've catastrophized. It's not going to be that bad. And then I chatted him through what I thought my scenario was probably about an hour before I went into my appraisal, and I was just basically inconsolable. And I just thought, how am I going to get through an appraisal with my head coach and my director of cricket without crying? And then I think I'd almost cried everything out and was like, right, whatever will be, I'm going to find out in the next 20 minutes and then get in there and you. Obviously within 45 seconds, I found out I wasn't getting my contract renewed. So it kind of all happened pretty quickly. But I was weirdly more calm in. In the appraisal than I was chatting to Tom before it. Because I think you go through every scenario in your head and every scenario has got a different scenario underneath it. And it just felt. There's so many layers to. To every situation. But the one scenario me and Tom didn't go through was whether when I came out of that, I would have, you know, sacked. Feels savage. But we hadn't talked about the scenario of how I would feel or what I would say or what questions I would ask if that was the case, because I'd actually gone in there quite armed with a lot of my stats and a lot of my stuff to talk about that if they did renew my contract, I would have really fought my corner and said, look, I know I've not probably been as good as I could be this summer, but I know that me at my best has got, you know, these are the stats to back up what I can do in an England shirt. And I didn't even open my book. I didn't even get a chance to. I just. Just. Yeah, pretty much left straight away. So. Pretty savage day.

Yeah, it's. It's one of those where I remember, like, being with you and just feeling empty but sad, but also like, what's next? What do I do?

See, I don't. I don't have that what next? And that's where obviously our scenarios differ quite a little bit because the game's moved on since you lost your contract. And I remember.

Oh, God, I remember.

Just. It's a horrible thing to say about. I just felt so sorry for you because you. Your literal job could be no more because there was no professional cricket for you to fall into. And I obviously feel really fortunate that hopefully there'll be a contract in a county team somewhere that I might get offered. But I'm not worried about life after cricket because I'd purposely set myself up for that. I think what I. What's hard is how quickly it's all happened. And I know that you're only as good as your last game. Like, I'm not sitting here and saying that I. Because I've had a good career for England and got good stats that I deserve to play every game. But a year ago, as the best seam bowler in the world, two. A month ago, I was the quickest seamer to get to 100 wickets in one day cricket and then you don't get the chance to play for your country again. Yeah, yeah.

And that's, that's almost like, without being harsh. That's something I don't think you'll ever.

Understand and I probably don't ever need to. And again, I'm not. Sporty sport, professional sport is savage. We always say that, don't we? Like a year is a really long time in professional sport. And I, I also am so aware that my international career had to come to an end at some point and I was, it was going to be unlikely that I'd get to do it on my terms because not many people get the privilege of, of finishing it on their terms. So I always knew that this would be probably how it was done and that I wouldn't be ready for it. But yeah, I think it's just the speed of it and I, I, I honestly think in a couple of months time, a couple years time, I might look back and be really pleased at how quickly it all happened. So I've not almost had to do that year of getting phased out and doing drinks and stuff like that. But I also, I'm now sat here questioning whether I want to play cricket again. And yeah, like I said, we're on the eve of the 100, the funniest tournament that you can have. I love my time with superchargers and I know that I've got a great set of girls around me who'll really lift me up when I'm going to need it, but I don't know what will come next year. I don't know whether I will play cricket. I think I'll probably just take the winter away and work out what I want to do. But I know that I've got the hundred and then a couple of games left with Lanks to finish the season off. And then whatever happens with the World cup happens. And you know, that's the information. I've not got that information yet to make an informed decision about anything. But yeah, it's just, you can't really describe it, can you? And like, you've been through it and I feel in a way fortunate that I've got a best friend who can understand what I'm going through right now. And bless you, you've been on FaceTime to me every day, haven't you, and dragged me out to an Oasis concert.

So I do say I'll ring you to annoy you again, but it's not.

Even that, it's just it's just talking, the more you talk it through, the easier it gets.

But.

And it's really hard because you've got to play cricket straight away. So like, obviously I was really fortunate that I didn't then have to play cricket again for a long time. Whereas you've got to pick yourself up vice captain of the superchargers. You've got to. And you've told the captain, you don't have to be yourself. You have, you know, you don't have to go to training if you don't want to. You know, you've got that time and that space. But I think you're in a really tricky position right now because you're, you've, you've not also not got time to be sad.

Yeah, that.

I think that's what it almost felt like. I didn't have a lot of time to process what had happened after the India series to then go straight into an appraisal because I remember I talked to you the night before my appraisal, didn't I? And you have to fill out these IDPs, which are your development programs and you know, you talk as a player about where the areas you want to improve in. And I spoke to you about. I don't even know how to approach this because I just, I feel like I'm going to get bad news and you gave me some great advice about, you know, going there as if they're going to renew your contract and you're going to tell them how good you are at cricket. And that's also really quite hard to do when you don't feel very good at cricket at the minute. So yeah, you know, it feels a little bit like someone's told you something and, and you believe them and you probably shouldn't believe them.

Yeah, I think that's the hardest thing that I've seen your confidence over the last four weeks just completely disappear.

Yeah.

And like you said a year ago you were the best teamer in the world and now you're like, I'm not even wanting to be on the park for lengths because I just feel nowhere.

Yeah. Like we played that game at Sedborough, this was the day before my appraisal and in between overs that I opened the bowling with Meeks and in between overs I just stood at mid off just crying and I was like, what, what am I doing? Like this, this is not the dream that everyone, that, you know, the bits that people really don't see is, is that sort of stuff. And I think it again like bigger Picture just goes to show what a, what confidence in sport is and how coaches can so easily, like, squash your confidence. And it's not taken much for a coach to come in and kind of do that for me. And maybe it is the best thing for me, it's the best thing for the team. And I think I could probably eventually get over having an 11 year career and being really proud of that. It feels like we're quite a way away from thinking about it that way yet.

But, yeah, and one day, Crossie, you'll look back on it and it might take you a month. By the time this goes out, you might be able to. We might be laughing and joking, we might still be really sad, but you're an Ashes winner, you're an England captain and no one will ever take that away from you.

And I know, I know it feels.

Like, you know, you go, God, my world's just ended, but you will forever, forever be a former England captain.

I remember sitting here when you lost your contract, saying these things to you. And I remember, it doesn't matter.

You don't listen. I know you're not listening.

I know I'm not listening. It's going straight over my head because it's obviously, it doesn't fit with the emotion of what I feel right now. And you, you know me, you know, I'm the kind of person that I like to understand things. So even. God, I was asking you stupid questions at Oasis, wasn't it about like, how everything works and like, my brain just needs information to be able to make informed decisions. And I think what I've struggled with is I've not had that information. I have it now like that. I think that's why I probably felt so calm when, when Finchy told me. But it, yeah, it's just someone's opinion of you and it's obviously a little bit different in my case that it will mean that my England career is over, like that, that my international career is done. It's not like, go and have a year at Lancs and come back and be refreshed. It's that's she's going to move into a different direction and bring some new bowlers through, which that's the bit I actually really understand. I, I think I remember saying to you that I get it, it's another four year cycle now of World cup cricket and I'll be 39 at the next World cup, which I never intended in to.

All right, Jimmy?

Absolutely. Not a chance. Not a chance. And there's a lot of T20. Well, a lot of T20 cricket in between that. So, you know, that contracting me does. Does seem really silly, so I get that bit. But I think, yeah, like, the struggle is just how quickly it's all.

All happened, really.

Yeah. And I know we've spoken about this, but it'll be a godsend because if you'd have gone into that meeting and they'd have said, we don't know yet.

We'Re going to see how we go.

After the World cup, you'd have been in total limbo for the hundred.

Yeah. And I would have definitely not hated. I would have hated the hundred. So much pressure on myself.

Yeah. Whereas now not a weight's been lifted, but you know where you stand. You know what your future looks like, or, you know. You know, I know what doesn't look like.

Yeah.

You know, it doesn't look like.

Yeah.

And you can play, I promise you. Like, you. You can play with so much freedom. You can. Bad days, of course you are, but you're gonna have days where you go, there's a life outside of this, you know?

Yeah. And that's. That really does excite me. I know, like, we've joked about it a little bit over the last couple of days, but I think that relief probably does come from, like, I've been so, so, so fortunate to play cricket for 11 years for my country. And if you'd have told young Kate that when she was nine, running in the back garden with my brother and my sister, like, obviously, I'd have absolutely bit your hand off. But it. Yeah, I. It's just.

It's not how you see it ending.

It's just hard, isn't it? Like, I think as an athlete, one of your biggest fears is someone turning around and telling you you're not good enough anymore. And that is effectively what's happened. And I know it's an opinion. I know that Holly at the Superchargers has a really different opinion of me and she's still, you know, wants me to charge in and be her leading wicket taker or whatever in the scenarios where you need to stand up, but obviously, it's just savage when it's the ultimate and it's. Yeah, it's taken away from you.

I feel. I just really wish I could give you a hug.

You gave me plenty of frozen margaritas at Oasis, so that's the same.

I said to you, I went crossy.

You do know we can have a drink tonight now.

I'll be all right. I'm not, like, obviously it's sad. And I think the reason that I wanted to do this now is because I do think I'll feel completely differently about it in October when the contracts get announced and people have their opinions on it and they'll say, I should have gone four years ago. And another people will probably fight my corner and say, gosh, he could have done a little bit more for England or whatever. But.

Yeah, I wanted to do it.

Now because I wanted it to be real. And I think, you know, you were really honest about your retirement stuff. And we started this podcast when you lost your contract, so it's full circle. It has, hasn't it? It's actually quite ironic. It's. It's quite nice.

But this is where the podcast ends.

Yeah, this is it. We're finished now.

This is where it gets good. No crossy.

I think, like, thank you for talking about it now. It's gonna be really powerful when it goes out and like you say, you're gonna feel different. And I'm sorry that you had to have that conversation on Thursday. It's really, really.

And who knows, I might. I might be leading wicket taker in the hundred. I might be the worst bowler that you've ever seen. I might go to a World Cup. I might retire from international cricket. Obviously, this has probably all happened before this episode goes out, so we don't. Yeah, we don't know what's going to happen. But I think the one thing that I can control is how much I try to enjoy the next month with a great group of girls around me, like in a brilliant tournament. And might be my hundred. Might not be. Might be my. Might be running in. In Orange next year, playing for the Northern Hyderabad Sunrises, whatever we're going to be called.

Or you might be with me in the comms box. Who knows?

I might be. Who knows, who knows, who knows?

But I know you're not going to.

Listen to me, but you should be so, so proud of what you've achieved, like, genuinely so proud. And you're not going to be until probably two years time because that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Thank you. Love you. I love you lots. Thank you.

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I don't really know how to come off the back of that because we've just had such a. A nice chat about you winning trophies. And then the devastating news you got two days before the hundred started is that you've lost your contract.

Bit of nobles whiplash, that, isn't it?

Yeah, we do shambles.

Yeah, we do do it. Yeah. It's just been. It's been such an unusual. Probably six weeks now, maybe a little bit longer. And I will. I listen back to that chat because I remember when we did it, I remember thinking this might get used or it might not because I might be too emotional. But I was actually. I listened to it on the bus on the way back yesterday and obviously cried. But I think that was a little bit of the hangover as well. But I actually can't get my head around how composed I was.

I know. And it took. Took me 16 minutes to make you cry. I remember coming off the call and I was like, you've done so well and so brave to. I remember you actually saying, look, this is why we do the podcast, to have these chats to talk about these things when they're raw and emotional. And I don't know how you did that because I. I couldn't do it when it happened to me. So how do you feel now?

I still don't really know. I know I've not processed it. I think coming back into the lank structure after the hundred, I realized how distracted I was in the hundred, and I can see quite clearly how I got through that and was. Obviously, we had an amazing summer in purple, but I've really, like. The last three weeks have been awful. I've really struggled. I've really struggled to enjoy cricket. I've probably been the worst teammate for my lank skills. And we've had a lot of long bus journeys where I've just had to kind of sit myself away from everyone and. Yeah, just almost been a bit mute and numb. I think you use the word numb, actually, in that. In the chat that we had a month ago.

But.

Everything that I'd said was that I'm gonna get through the 100, and then I'm gonna. I'm gonna get through the length season and then I'm gonna. But now I'm at the point where it's. And then I'm gonna.

And it's like, okay, length season finished yesterday.

Yeah.

What is. Then I'm gonna.

That's the bit I'm not too sure about. I'm actually going, seeing someone professional this afternoon to actually start the process of processing.

Do you feel like you've just switched off?

Yeah.

Like you've just like put it to the back of your mind and gone, that's a problem for another day.

Yeah.

But the day is now.

Yeah. And a big part of it was is this, like, it's hen and finch. He told me it's my news to give people. So I've kind of ummed an art about when to tell people. And what I've really, really struggled with is when everyone's seen the news about the World cup, they've gone, you know, keep fighting, keep going. The door's not shut. And in my mind I know the door's shut. So it's. I've found it really hard to bite my tongue in those aspects. And in a way, I think I probably was more emotional about the World cup stuff than people would. Would give enough wiggle room for, in a way. But I knew that I had the contract chat two weeks prior to that and I was still kind of clinging on to the fact that I might go to the World Cup. And obviously since that chat I've found out that I'm not going. So, yeah, I kind of. It does feel like there's an element of like, finality about it all. And I think that obviously the bit that I got so upset about when we chatted a month ago was just how quickly it's all happened. And that's the bit that I've not processed.

Yeah. And it's been so hard for us to do the pod and be honest, but not be honest enough. Because you said during the hundred, just before the finals, you're like, okay, I think I'm ready for the chat to go out. And I was like, whoa, whoa, no, you're not, because I don't.

You're gonna get.

You're gonna have to turn your phone off again. You're gonna get so much attention from this news. And I'm sort of glad you've got your session this afternoon because I think you might need it.

Yeah. And I don't even really know how I'm gonna start it all again because I feel like, like, Tom, we spoke about Tom Jones from the pca. He's been unbelievable in this process and I genuinely wouldn't have been able to do a lot of it. So Tom. Tom had given me these little like, checkpoints that in 10 days I had to have had a, like a non formal conversation with Lancashire about potentially a contract there. And I Still don't really know what I want to do next year. And it's hard because you kind of have to have things in place now for next year.

You've got something in your mind of what you want. Well, Lanks aren't going to give away your contract if you don't sign one.

No. But it also does affect squad balance and stuff like that. If I can't turn around in February and go, right, I'm ready to go now.

Yeah. Because what you can do is sign a contract but not go training until February.

Yeah, but that's that, that's. That's the bit that I've not got anywhere near the detail of what anything looks like yet. The one thing I definitely know is I need a break. I need to just switch off from cricket because I've. I was thinking about it on the way home yesterday, like, I've played every single one of Lancashire's 50 over games. I've missed out on some blast games, but I've played a full season with them, which is quite unusual for an England contracted player. And there's not been a seamer in our Lancashire group who's done that. So, like I'm. I am so fatigued and I could feel like my body, I could feel my body. Last week was just telling me you're desperate for a break. So that's the one thing that I do know I need. But then I feel like I'm putting it off still.

Like, you're also at that. Like you've come into your own since your contract chat. I feel like you've started bowling really well again. You've only gone up four and over in 50 over T20 cricket. So it's also a weird time for the season to end because you're flying, you're winning trophies.

Yeah. And the other massive, I guess around it all is that I am reserved for the World Cup. So I had a phone call with Lottie at the end of the hundred where she was like, look, if you're willing, can you keep training through October because if an injury goes down to one of the seamers, we are going to need you. That's the bit I'm finding tough because I actually, the end point isn't now for me, I'm back in Old Trafford next week bowling. So it's the. Yeah, it's not been great. But I then also have to think if an injury does go down, I have to go and be ready to play for England in a World cup in like the. And also the World cup is kind of starting now and I'm seeing all the interviews and I'm seeing all the press around it, and that's really tough as well. So it's. It's like trying to find the balance of being ready to go, but also.

Switching off from it and going, I don't want to see this.

Yeah. But I also probably do need to see this if something bad happens. So. Yeah. It's obviously been a strange one. Like, I can't remember, I think, did I say it to you or my brother yesterday? It's like the year. The best year I've ever had in terms of silverware, in terms of probably performances, and it's the year I've been sacked.

We don't call it sacked, we call it made redundant. Made redundant because you get a nice little payout package.

Yeah.

But in other news, we can go on holiday.

We can, we can. We're gonna have to do that in November, though.

Yeah, we are. Cuz.

Yeah. It feels like November and December are probably going to be the months where I'll really work everything out.

Yeah.

And you know what?

I'm like, I need. I need to know answers and I need to understand everything and I can't have that yet. And that's what's really hard.

I know. And it's. I don't think you'll ever get those answers that you necessarily want, which you.

Might find the hardest bit.

Because as honest as coaches are with.

You, they're never, ever as honest as.

They actually think they actually feel.

And also the honesty might just be that Lottie does prefer someone else and that that's the vision she goes with. And that's. I'll always struggle with that because it's just her opinion. And Lottie has, to be fair to her. She has kept reaching out, saying, can we have a chat? Can we? And I'm like, there's. There's no point for me yet because I don't know what to say. I don't have anything to say to you that is going to make me feel better. And the chat might make her feel better, but I don't think I'm ready for that yet. That almost feels like something that might happen next year or in two years time or maybe never.

But maybe when you fly out to India.

Yeah. Yeah.

That'll be like seeing an ex. Oh, my God. Won't it? It'd be horrible again.

That's like.

I just. I can't even work it. I can't work it out at the minute. Like, I don't Yeah, I just.

Just there. Just. Meh.

Yeah. But then in amongst all of that, there's been, like, some of my best days of cricket. I've loved. I loved the 100 weekend and it was. That was the best weekend I've probably had in cricket. And then the pride that I had yet on Sunday for the Lancashire group was just incredible. And then now it. This is what happened after the hundred. You kind of leave that group now and then you kind of feel like you're quite alone.

Yeah.

That's what I really found after the supercharger stuff, like, everyone just disappeared on the Monday and then you're just in your flat on your own and now it's like, right, this is actually the real part of it. The hundred wasn't real.

Yeah, yeah. The real life almost. And the processing will start now.

Yeah.

Because you're at home and you're at.

Home and training while everybody's off now. Yeah, like, that's it. The season started. Everyone goes on holiday.

Yeah. Thankfully, we've got a couple of rehabbers that'll be in, so Tara's going to be coming back and she'll be around Old Trafford, so I'll have people to speak to. But everyone disappears off on holiday now and it's probably going to be the time where I'd need a group of people around me the most. But, yeah, that's why, obviously I'm going seeing someone this afternoon to try and start working it, working out properly.

It's. I'm proud of you for not crying again, actually.

Yeah. I think I'm too tired to cry.

Because if you cried, I'd cry.

Then it'd be all over social media, be shambles.

I think I've cried it all out. Yeah.

I'm sorry that's happened because it. But whatever happens, whatever is next for you, you'll smash it. Whether it's cricket. No cricket comms. No comms. You've got options, as we've discovered over the last six weeks. I bet you didn't think you'd have so many options.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like you put yourself on cricket Tinder and you just got offers flying everywhere.

Yeah.

And I'm not.

I'm not very good at committing to anything either, so I'm like, oh, that.

Sounds like a great opportunity, but.

Oh, I don't know. I don't know. The only thing I do know is I want to go and play some golf.

Wednesday.

Wednesday. I've got golf days.

Wednesday. Okay. See you there.

See you there.

Proud of you.

Thank you. You can email us on.

You can't end it like that.

How do we end it?

I suppose we can. Noblespodcastbc.co.uk.

Noblespodcastbc.Co.Uk We've also got a text number.

Crossy.

It's so good. They said it twice.

Oh, yeah.

Our WhatsApp number is eight.

Double one. Double one.

That's the text message.

Oh.

Whiplash.

Oh, double three. Oh. One, two, three, one, eight, two, six.

And you start your message with no walls.

All one word.

What a shout out. Gambles. What a year. Bye.

Welcome to the Team behind the Team, a new podcast series in partnership with the Open University, where we'll be showcasing the people, the tools and the techniques to help athletes and teams reach elite level.

Like all elite sports, it's a pure pyramid and everybody's trying to get to the top.

It's not just my vision, it's a.

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