No Balls: Hartley heads down under!

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First ball castled.

Now I'm celebrating for Crossy. That one was for Crossy. That was a beautiful delivery. The wobble ball again from Kate Cross. And that is such an important wicket. Kate Cross in for the hat trick ball. Oh, so wide. Hello, and welcome back to no Balls, the cricket podcast with me, Alex Hartley and UK Cross. Crossie.

Hello. We're on the other sides of the world to each other again.

I feel like I haven't seen you in ages. Even though we've just come back off a holiday.

It's been a week. It's not even been a week.

I know, but it does feel like forever. I think it's because we haven't managed to catch up yet.

Yeah, that is true. That's what the other side of the world and that bloody time difference does. We're not very good with the time zones.

No, we're terrible. I'm surprised we managed to get this pod, like, sorted so easily.

Yeah, I did say a time that I was available this week and you were both like, that's like 11pm here, so that's probably not gonna happen. Yeah, okay, I understand. I understand.

How are you?

I'm okay, thanks, Al. I'm a little bit poorly today, but other than that I'm okay. Thank you. Had a really lovely couple of weeks.

Got the dreaded winter cold.

Yeah, I think I have. I've got some sort of green stuff coming off my chest, which is nice, but I feel content with it because I've had a really nice couple of weeks and I haven't been ill for the Nice things I had planned. So it feels fair that I'm poorly now. This is how I'm trying to frame it.

Holidays. On holidays on holidays. How good.

Been away? We went away. We had a little week in Dubai, didn't we? And then you went off to Australia, so. Yeah, it's been really nice. Feel like I've had some nice sunshine and then it's now 1 degrees here in Manchester.

But you're going away again tomorrow.

I am. I'm doing the Dubai Sevens. I'm really excited, actually. You've told me it's the best weekend.

It is amazing. I'm like. I've had friends that are going over just for that, and I'm like, I'm so jealous, but obviously not jealous. Come here in Australia for the Ashes. But, yeah, you're gonna have an amazing weekend, like, genuinely.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. So, yeah, off to Dubai again tomorrow. So, yeah. How are you? How's the first week of the Ashes been?

Weird. Wonderful. Entertaining. Exciting. Disappointing. Cold. It's not been warm.

You know, I'm more surprised by the cold.

Yeah.

Than anything. Yeah.

It's been, like, a really cold breeze through Perth and it's only been, like, 20 degrees. I know everyone at home is gonna be like, it's four degrees here, but it's actually, like, quite cold.

That's unusual for Perth. But then, having said that, Perth's normally a little bit later in the Ashes timings, isn't it? It's normally the next Test match, so it's normally had a bit more chance to heat up.

That's true, that's true. But we got here last Sunday. It's now Tuesday. It was meant to be day five of the Test match today. Went down to the bar to pick up my food and was like, I'm still meant to be at work.

Feels like we can't really avoid it, can we?

Well, you can't have a cricket podcast and avoid that diabolical thing that happened.

But we do have a cricket podcast and often forget to talk about cricket, so we could.

That is true.

It wouldn't be unusual if no Balls didn't discuss England losing in two days of the opening game of the Test match of the Ashes Test.

I think, like, Stokes described himself as being shell shocked, and I think that was a pretty good summary of it because we were all shell shocked. Like, was almost like everyone was looking at each other going, it's day two.

There's quite a lot of irony from my point of view that all these predictions have Come out from past pros like, it's the best chance England have got since 2010, 2011. Best team that we're taking over. Not one person predicted that the first game would be done on day two.

It's wild. Like, absolutely wild. All the fans are absolutely loving it because obviously Stuart Broad's been wrong. Like, so wrong. Well, not wrong yet, but as in, like, worst team for 10 years. Like, he said it. And then England were so in charge of the Test match. Like, it was wild, wasn't it? And then just said, you can have the win.

But were they so in charge? Were they?

Yes.

No, because they're not, like, 600 ahead in a Test match. They've not dominated it. They were all out for 170 in the first innings. Yes, they bowled well. To ball them out for less than that. But then to say that they were so in charge, in my opinion, you cannot lose this game.

They could. They. They shouldn't have lost the game. They were 90 for one at lunch. And then we're bowled out at tea.

Yeah, that's not good.

Yeah. And then it was just like, we lost four wickets within the space of, like, 12 minutes. It was in the space of three overs. And then Travis head just bowed like it was a.

So I've been probably less optimistic than all the predictions that I've seen. I kind of didn't think England would win. I know that's really easy to come out and say that now. I didn't exactly have this bold prediction before it all happened, but I had this hope, this tiny glimmer of hope which all England fans have of the. The morning that you wake up over here, obviously. So I didn't stay up to watch the Test match, and I had that tiny bit of hope that I'm gonna wake up and we're gonna be 250 for three or whatever after the first day. And we were 170 all out. And I just had this, like, moment of. Every time I've done this in every Ashes for the however many years that I've been alive, I've had that exact same feeling of, oh, for God's sake.

It's like. It's the hope that kills you, Crossy. That's what they say. But it was. There's a bit of so many people that have been like, oh, here we go again. Like Ron said, It feels like 20, 21.

The. The other thing as well, that I've got. I'm really annoyed about it, actually. Really, really, really made me angry. I set my Alarm to watch the first ball of the Ashes, like a lot of cricket fans would have done. Set my alarm for 20 past two, because the Test match started at half past two, but it didn't. It started at 20 past two and there was no notifications anywhere. It wasn't obvious. No one knew. I went into Old Trafford the next day, actually, to see the girls and a few people. Like, I missed the first ball and I was like, yeah, so did I. I was really, really angry. I'd already seen Zach Crowley get out. Sorry, missed it. It had already happened. So then I was just really angry at everything. So I was like, I'm going back to sleep. I'm not even gonna watch out of protest.

Right? Yeah. I mean, it was weird that it started at 20 fast, but something to do with the TV back of the other side of the country or something. I don't actually know. Isn't it mad? Right. When I think of this Test match, right, they had no Nathan Lyon. He was off the field for most of it, then got hit in the hip. Was off the field most day of the second day, no Usman Khawaja back spasm. Also needs Jogmatic. His Instagram post was hilarious. No Cummings, no Hazelwood. And Stark takes Tenfer.

That's very Australian. I think that you get excited that there's some big names missing and then everyone else is still really good at cricket and you just think you kind of get sidetracked by the fact that there's names missing when actually, Mitchell Stark is still a very, very good cricketer. And he got. What did he get 7 for in the first innings? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, we did our prediction that we sat around a table in Dubai when we're on holiday, and I was like, I'm still not sure what. What my prediction is. I've gone with three 1. England gotta play better to get that one.

Yeah. It could still happen, though. I think that's the thing, isn't it? It's so easy. So easy to sit here and be like, they've lost him two days, it's gonna be an absolute car crash. They're a better team than how they played. They know that. We all know that. We get annoyed at this team because they have, these days, like, they have the day that they are 60 all out. They do that. But they also have the day where they go and score 400 in a. In a day. So you almost have to give them, rightly or wrong, they give them the wiggle room to have these bad days, but then give them the Chance now they've got 12 days or whatever it is till Brisbane to go and turn it around, but it does. It's just so hard because that Brisbane game being a day nighter, obviously Australia's got a very good record at Brisbane. We've not got a very good record at Brisbane. So it's hard to give them the wiggle room. But they are the team that you do give the wiggle room to, if that makes sense.

Yeah, I know what you mean. Like, but they're just a frustrating team to watch, aren't they? Because you're like so annoying. So I said the only thing that worries me. I'm not worried about our bowling attack. I think our openers are fine. Like the middle order, the middle order collapses that we'll have. And then it happened.

And it happened so badly, it so quickly as well.

When you're in a dressing room and that something like that happens, you all sort of sit there like, so what can we possibly say? We know we weren't good, we know we were bad, we know we've really messed that up, but anyone want to go? Fatigue?

Yeah. I think what I said around that table when we did those predictions was it feels a little bit like everyone's just completely dismissed what happened in New Zealand with the one day team, which is quite similar to what the Test team was like. We were bowled out for 200, 220 and in those three ODIs. And then everyone's like, of course we can go to Australia and score 400, 500 quickly against a really good bowling attack.

Yeah, I remember you saying that. And I was like, oh my God, that's such a good point. Like, nobody built anything. Yeah, no one built anything then and no one's building anything now.

But what we can say is that everyone's due. So that's great news. Everyone is juice and runs.

Everyone is due. I need. I was meant to point out where I'm sat, by the way. I've not done it, but if, if this goes on social media, I feel like it looks like I'm in some sort of cage, but I found a nice little egg chair in the gym.

Nice, nice. It looks. It just looks like you're in a nice, cool, swanky place. I wasn't worried that you'd been like abducted by Jack or anything.

No, well, yeah, no, I haven't. It feels like I'm just missing like a glass of red. I'm gonna sit there and be like, oh, hello.

Blink twice if you need help.

Help me. I'll Tell you what though, I haven't felt excitement at a cricket game like I felt day one for a very, very long time now.

Imagine that. Then imagine setting Your alarm at 2:20 in the morning to watch it. I'm missing it. That's how angry I was, Al. That's my excitement. Anyway, I'm glad you had a great time.

Yeah. Oh my God. I actually forgot this is on our notes but I've got this fun new thing that I'm doing with the BBC and this is like an in person podcast, like a short sharp 10 minute show called the Debrief. And I was so excited for it and I had two days of it.

Short, sharp, like the Test matches?

Yes, that's exactly what it was like. And it was great because day one, you know, we were winding up Glenn McGraw being like, oh, how you feeling? Five nil predictions on. And then day two, Vooney's like England need to strip down and start again.

How do you feel about all this talk about them not going playing in Canberra in this day night tour match? Now the Lions game, Where are you at with that?

I actually don't mind it, to be honest with you. Like it. The more I think about it and the more I look at everything, it's, it sort of makes sense because Canberra is so different to Brisbane. Like Canberra's gonna be like 10 degrees, Brisbane's gonna be like 35. It's a different type of heat. I understand the argument of going to play cricket and hitting balls. I think this team do need to hit more balls as in matches. So I'm sort of on the fence. I'm genuinely on the fence with it. I don't really know where I stand.

I just think if this was after the third test match and this window was here, you wouldn't consider it. It just feels like because it's so early in the Ashes that everyone's like, they have to go and do this. But it's not necessarily the answer to them. I saw Alex Stewart actually did a thing with the BBC saying if they'd have won in two days, there's not a chance you saying that everyone should then go and play in this match. Which I thought was the perfect way to describe it because just because something's gone wrong, it doesn't mean that you reinvent how you believe you're going to go on to win this series.

And that's the thing, isn't it? They've got their mantra, they've got what has they think has made them successful. So why would you Panic and go away from it.

Yeah, yeah. And I think the conditions thing is massive, isn't it? Like, yeah, if, if it was going to be at the Gabba, maybe it's a different story, but it's not, it's actually somewhere that's probably not going to recreate the same conditions for what they'll be up against in a couple of weeks time.

And that's what I was just saying to Agarz. If this two day game was in Brisbane, then you would think that a few more of them would actually go and play. But they've got extra training days, they've booked extra training days now because there's such a long gap between the tests. So, you know, and if they go on to lose, people are going to have their heads. They're going to, you know, that's the way it's going to be. I know, know that. But they have, they obviously believe in their process and I, I can't, I kind of believe in it as well. I'm not saying it means they're going to win and I'm not saying it means they're going to win the Ashes, but they have this little mantra. So why would you change it? Just because you've lost one game of.

Cricket and like Ollie Pope scores 100 in the warm up game against the Lions, it's not equaled him scoring 100 in the Test match at Perth. So just because like if Zach Crawley goes off and gets runs, yeah, he's probably going to feel a touch better about himself, but it doesn't equal him having success at the Gabba.

I've got a serious one for you though because you, you went through this in January and I suppose the media weren't quite as harsh with the girls after the first game. But do you, do you read the press and how do you cope with it when you're in the middle of an Ashes series?

I did, I think it was a bit easier for me this time to read it because I obviously wasn't playing in it. But yeah, I read it all and it's, it is hard. You can't ignore it. I don't think there's a. Yeah, I just think with how much they almost bombard you with it, I don't think there's a way you can ignore it when you're in a big series like this and like I've seen as well them like filming the lads on the golf course and they like seven cricket put up a thing today of like Zach Crawley and Ollie Pope playing golf. Videoed them and then Joffre and Woody and Root maybe going to the aquarium. And then the next bit of footage was Cummings bowling in the nets. Of course he's bowling. He's coming back from an injury. Our lads might be having a day off. Like, it's so hard to avoid seeing all that stuff, so.

But also, like, on the flip side of that, before you carry on, sorry. It's all been bad press about England playing golf. Khawaja played three days of golf in a row and then had a back spasm.

Yeah, but is that why he had a back spasm?

No, but that's what I mean, that's the press. That's what I'm saying. So the newspapers are saying England are bad for playing golf, but Australia is fine.

Yeah, well, this whole golf thing is just an easy thing to chat about, isn't it? It's such an easy thing for the journalists to say that that's why they're not winning games of cricket or whatever. But, yeah, you mentioned it earlier, didn't you? Kawaja put a picture of the golf course up on his. On his Instagram about the game.

I really, really enjoyed it. I thought it was top bands.

Very good, but very brave. Stu, when you're only one game into a series because stuff like that comes back to bite you.

And he might not play again in this series because surely Head's going to carry on opening the Bayern.

Yeah. Travis had asked to open the batting as well, didn't he? He was like, I'll do it. Yeah, I'm up for it.

Yeah. Imagine if it was Nathan Lyon that was the next person.

Yeah. Surely that wouldn't have. That wouldn't have been a permanent feature of this series, surely. No, I could see it being a good thing. Yeah.

There's been so much talk here about the bounce in Perth, but obviously they don't play at the Wacker anymore. The Wacker was bouncy as well, wasn't it?

Yeah. That was like dream debut land for any sort of sema because, I mean, this was back when we didn't really play at any kind of big stadium. So the fact that you were on a test match ground at the time, you were like, oh, I know the bounce is going to be pretty true, but what we had was this pitch that, honestly, all the cracks were like this big in them, like, they were massive and if you just hit a crack, anything could have happened. So I feel like obviously both teams had the bat on it, but I felt like I was so effective because the areas that I was able to hit were literally where these cracks were.

So you've always been able to do that, though.

Well, I think it helps when you've got, like a crevice in the middle of the pitch that you can try and bang away on. But I do remember. I feel like I don't remember that match and think, oh, my God, it was so bouncy. That's how I took all my wickets. Everything was like, caught behind off drives and LBWs and stuff. So it wasn't like I'm sat here going, that's why I had success in that game. But we. We had Danny Hazel playing in that match, and I think she bowled three overs in the whole of the four days. I don't. I'm pretty sure she didn't take a wicket. And this was also when Katherine Brunt had been taken out of the attack for bowling two beamers, and she still didn't bowl. Danny Hazel, like, that's how ineffective spin was over there.

Okay. Because I've never really. I don't think I've really played on a pitch that you talk about that's all that different other than when you're in the continent. But, like, even during my ashes in Australia, it was never like, this is really bouncy or this is stay low. It was like, yeah, you're playing at Blacktown or wherever we play.

Yeah, well, I was gonna say that Test match, that Blacktown Test match and the North Sydney one where Pez got the 200. They were club grounds effectively, weren't they? And they will offer more bounce than English traditional pitches do. But what I noticed was Zach Crawley's dismissal in the second innings. Like that drive that he went and he said, he was obviously like, that's a drivable delivery. And then it's caught. Caught by Stark like that. That's probably where the bounce is different, where you think you're able to drive balls and it's just not there to drive. Australia in general is bouncier than here. I think that's why you get. You see a lot of very successful batters from Australia are good pulling and cutting because of the bounce. Might be a trampoline under there. We don't know.

Probably is.

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I actually have something on my sticky note which goes away from the ashes a little bit. Yeah. Do you remember our sticky notes?

Yeah, yeah, I do.

Okay, so we had probably one of my. I think it's probably one of the funniest moments I've witnessed this year, actually, and it involved you. This. This recent trip we've had in Dubai. So you. You were left in charge of booking as a golf. Golf course? Yeah, I was, yeah. You. It was really busy, wasn't it, because the DP World Tour was on, so a lot of people were playing golf in Dubai that week. So it's really hard to get a course. And you managed to find a really cheap 18 holes at a really great, lovely course in Dubai for Tuesday. So I was like, get it booked. Absolutely get it booked. It worked out about 75 pound each.

80 each?

Yeah, something like that. So I was like, get it booked, because everything else is a lot more expensive than that. And then do you want to tell people what happened when you booked it?

Yeah, of course. Do you know what, Kosi? There's nothing I would rather do than tell this story. I booked golf and my Manzo said, this amount has come out your bank account. And I thought, yeah, fine, not a problem. And you said, how much do I owe you? So I actually went on my Monzo and 1,900 Singaporean dollars came out of my Monzo, which equates to £1,300.

It was the most expensive round of golf we have ever played. And it told us that we'd get a free bottle of water. And we turn up and they're like, no, we're doing a no plastic thing at the minute. You don't get any water.

I felt sick.

I laughed so hard. So hard. The one thing you were left in charge of doing, it cost me £400. I know.

Oh, my God. And then the Guy we were playing with. I was like, yeah, yeah, I'll sort that out. Walked off after nine. I was like, that's an expensive nine.

But we met a friend, didn't we? We had a fourth person join us and he was an Austrian man called Walter. So shout out to you, Walter, if you're listening.

I had something, no, even more embarrassing that happened that holiday. I went in the pool to take a selfie. Cause, you know, I was feeling a bit vain, shocked. And I couldn't get out the pool the same way I got in. So I had to go to the other side of the pool and out the steps because I didn't want to get my phone wet. And as I came down the steps, I slipped and fell and made a right good thud. And I was like, oh, no. All these people turned and was like. But like, no one asked if I was okay. And I was like, oh, I really hurt myself and my knee.

I don't know if you're going to.

Be able to see it.

It still breaks. Oh, yeah.

No, I got back to the bed. Yeah, I got back to the bed. I was like, you didn't see that? You didn't see that? And you're like, no, I didn't see it.

So sad. I missed it. So sad. Because it would have been so funny to. Obviously, once I knew you're okay, it would have been so funny to have that in my head.

It's like it was honestly bananas and stuff. Oh, my God, it was so embarrassing.

You are okay, though, aren't you?

Yeah, fine. It just hurt my ego.

Just the old ego, Bruce. Yeah, right. We put a plea out on Instagram, didn't we?

Yes, yes, we did some quickies. Who was at Perth tell you was on field knitting? Menon.

That's a fresh one then.

Yeah, I don't think we've ever been upstairs debut.

Off we go.

If England lose 5 nil, should we stop doing Ash's tours for men and women in Australia?

Tell you what, that would be a really bad 12 months for England cricket, wouldn't it? Losing 16 nil and 5 nil in the men's, women's respectively. No, because the title turn, at some point.

Of course it will. And you know, things will change. I mean, if England lose this Test series, like, obviously people at the top will go like. Like with the women and we then start afresh.

I don't think we should stop, though. It's like saying, should we stop going to India because it's really hard to win over there in their conditions.

You absolutely don't stop because you're not.

Could we start a barmy army for when England women to play at home and abroad?

I would.

Question for the Barbie Army.

Yeah. Do you know what? Barmy army. Start a women's one. I reckon people would still would come and watch. Of course they would.

We kind of have a small contingency of regulars that come and watch the women's team, don't we? So it wouldn't be too hard to drum up some support. But we've never had overseas trips like booked for you or done through.

Yeah.

A company like the Barmy army. So it would be nice to see a bit of that.

Here's a good one. Crossy. This is from Frank. Will England bat 50 overs once this series?

Yes, they will. They definitely will. Of course they will.

Yeah.

Which oval? This is from Steph Morley. Which oval is the best? And then puts. Duh. Adelaide.

Do you know what? I don't really like Adelaide. The Perth new stadium's class, you know.

It'S wicked, isn't it? So cool. I got to play there New Year's Eve when I played for the Scorchers and we followed the men's game and it was so cool. We played against Brisbane and I've got this amazing photo. It was this epic sunset that you know when this whole sky just turns red. It was like red and purple but like blazey. And it was so cool because that's how we brought the new year in.

Oh, world class favorite. Ash's memory from playing or watching. I mean, I know. Yours surely.

Dear Waka. It was my 19 night out of Bristol.

No way. They would be.

It would be up there. But no, yeah, the Waka's gotta be pretty cool. I'm actually a bit sad that the actual men's Ashes isn't the Waka anymore because do you remember that day when we went and we sat with the barmy army? It was just epic.

Well, that was the last one at the Wakka.

Was it? Yeah, that was cool. Yeah. My favorite probably has to be my test match, but also there was no one there. And looking back, it was such an occasion for us, but there was just like no one knew about it and that makes me a bit sad. So I do think the 2023 Ashes was very, very memorable for like those kind of reasons. Like the crowds that we got and yeah, obviously beating them in the white ball series. But um, I think, yeah, you go, you make your test debut in a Ashes series. That's pretty cool.

Yeah, I think mine Favorite was watching Danny Wyatt score 100, which meant we ended up drawing the Ashes in 2020.

Zachoff's Harbour.

Yeah, that was. Ended up being eight. Eight. My worst worst is watching Elise Perry score 200 in the day night test at the North Sydney Oval.

And that's the one that Danny Hazel predicted, wasn't it?

Yeah. Yeah. We're gonna be sat here and Perry's gonna be two and a half because we were just running the drinks. So you obviously have all that chat and I was like, nah, never, never been. And she bloody was still going.

Right, so enough of the questions. And the quickie was a good quickie though. Thanks for the debut.

Short and sweet.

Nice. You are off to Brisbane tomorrow?

Yes, I am. I'm in Brisbane till Saturday and then I go to Sydney for a day because I'm working on the WBBL and then back to Brisbane.

So will I see you on the telly?

If you can find Channel seven.

Well, I think that's the feed that we get.

Oh my God.

I'll be on your telly, I presume. So anyway, is that. Are you doing commentary? Like on TV commentary?

Yes. Double header day as well? Yes.

That'll be that one then. Lovely.

So I do that and then it's still about 14 weeks till the next test starts, so.

Yeah, well, they can go and play some warm up games at least. They've got loads of time.

Go and play some golf.

Oh, gosh, don't. Don't talk about golf.

Al, what have you got coming up?

Dubai Sevens.

I'm so excited to hear about it. I can't wait to hear about everything you've been up to.

I'll let you into a tiny little secret. Well, you know, but for everyone that doesn't know, I'm gonna be doing something pretty cool on Thursday. So I'm going to Abu Dhabi to do some sailing. The GB sailing team. So I'm going to meet Ben Ainslie and get to have, I think, like go out on the boat. And you know, I'm so scared of the sea. I think I've got to wear a wetsuit. So it's going to be amazing. But also there's going to be so much of it I'm going to hate so much, but I'm kind of excited.

This comes from the girl that had to count to a thousand on a boat because the water was splashing in her face.

That was a choppy boat. I felt like we could have fallen out and been forgotten about and then got lost at sea. Everyone knows My theory, you cannot get lost in a swimming pool, but you can get lost at sea.

Don't forget to email us on knowballspodcastbc.co.uk. noBalls podcastbc.co.uk it's so good, they've said it twice. You can text us on eight double one, double one. And you can WhatsApp us on. I'm going to see if I can remember this. 033-01-231826 that was smooth. So like the producer was sat in the room.

Right, bye, everyone. Good luck, Engine.

Welcome to Tail Enders. I'm Greg James. He's Felix White.

Hello.

And that is England's greatest ever bowler, Jimmy Anderson.

Hello.

We finally got our break on BBC iPlayer. It's lovely to be here. England haven't won a test match in Australia since the 20102011 series, which is a long time ago. Give us a few reasons as to why it's so difficult. The wickets are different, the ball's different and the heat as well. The media coverage over there is so much bigger than a test series in England, for example, and cricket over there is huge. Plus, Australia are amazing in their own country.

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