No Balls: Madness in Melbourne & menstrual moans

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Al, we've got to issue a swear warning because you are an absolute potty mouth.

Not another one.

And you need to remember that your grandma listens to this.

She does. She also abuses me on social media.

But don't worry, we beep it out.

So your kids can listen.

And Grandma Jean.

First ball castled. Now I'm celebrating for Crossy. That one was for Crossy. That was a beautiful delivery. The wobble ball again from Kate Cross. And that is such an important wicket. Kate Cross in for the hat trick ball. Oh, so wide.

Hello and welcome back to no Balls of Cricket podcast with me, Kate Cross. You, Alex Hartley. You've got the morning shift. I've got the evening shift. I've got the energy. You look tired.

Oh, I was really excited then because we've been on our own. We've been on the phone for about half an hour. So I don't feel tired, even though I look tired.

Clearly, you don't look tired. I was just. Just for the comedic effects of the podcast. Podcast purposes are I have got the.

Morning shift and I thought it was due or me and Jack thought it was due. You've done every morning.

I have done every morning. And especially that morning that Alyssa Healy actually bailed on us when I'd already set my alarm and we had to get up on podcast anyway. I wouldn't have. I have promised. I've forgotten about it. I'm over it. But it was definitely my time to have an evening shift. So when Jack put that as an option in the group, I was like, I can do the evening.

I really Enjoyed it when you were like. It was so like, I will be doing the evening.

Yeah, we're doing the evening. Yeah. Anyway, how are you?

I'm really good, thank you. I'm really good. It's been freezing here. Crossy. I haven't been able to get warm. There's no heating in the apartment that we're staying in. I, like, slept fully clothed the other night. It's that cold. Christmas Day was 13 degrees. It was like, felt like we were at home. And then yesterday, 40 degrees, boiling Welsh way.

They do say you get every season in a week in Melbourne. Don't even in a day sometimes in Melbourne.

Yeah. Yeah. So. But I'm good. I'm really good. We are four tests down, one to go. It's been weird, wonderful and wild.

I. I'm gonna change that sentence because I think it's just been weird and wild. I'm not sure it's been all that wonderful.

I mean, if you're an Aussie. It's been wonderful and my trust. But has it been wonderful?

But has it been wonderful for that? Like, has it been a good series?

No, no, that's. That.

That's the bit. I just wanna. We'll talk about that in a minute, actually. But.

Okay, let me rephrase. My trip has been wonderful.

Your trip.

Okay.

Nice. Yeah. I can appreciate that.

Yeah. How are you?

Yeah, I'm good. I've got the, like, Christmas fatigue. You know, that. That social battery level just is like Twixmas, it's called. I've seen all my family. I had a lovely time. Got a lot of kids in the family now, so Christmas is properly special again. Special and draining, draining, draining. Do you know what I've learned? I have a superpower. My superpower is to bring sulking kids back into board games.

Whoa. Okay.

Good at it. I'm really. I don't know why. Don't know how. I'm just really quite good at it.

Yeah, okay. That's. I reckon you're quite like. You're not like, get a grip, get on with it.

No, I'm quite like, oh, why don't you just help me? Why don't you be on my team? Because I don't understand this game. And then they're like, oh, yeah. So I got another five games of Scattergories out of my niece because she didn't want to play at first, but then got back in.

But then I had the pen that.

She wanted to use, you know, it was the glitter pen.

Ah. And you were like, no, I Want the glitter pen?

Yeah. Yeah. So that's been, that's what I've learned about myself over the last five days.

Well, I thought your superpower was going to be sleeping, but, you know.

No, that's yours. Every time. Every time I wake up or go to bed, actually, you've been like, I've just had an 11 hour sleep. I feel amazing.

I wonder what's wrong with me. This is like the time when my mum sent me to the doctors because she thought I must be chronically ill because I slept for 12 hours a night and they just said, nah, you're absolutely fine.

You do just need it, you though, don't you? I remember when we trained together, you'd always go to bed at like 9:00'. Clock.

Yeah. Yeah. And like I want to be sociable when I'm here. So I'm going to bed quite late and then I have the occasional night out, which is super late. I actually suggested the other day we watched the sunrise and then I quickly thought, that's a bad idea.

We should watch. I should watch the sunrise at the same time you watch the sunset. That'd be quite cute.

Yeah, yeah, that would be. But that means you'll get. You're doing the early shift again.

It won't happen. Maybe when we do the next pod.

Maybe. Maybe. I think that we're more likely for you to see the sunset and I see the sunrise.

No, we're not.

Because I'll. No, because I'll still be out.

Yeah, that's true, actually. Okay. Right, we'll try that. I've just got one tiny confession to make before we start. Oh, I've cheated on you all. Yeah, I did. I did another podcast episode before I did our podcast with a rival podcast group.

I'm actually leaving.

I didn't want to tell you because I knew this would be reaction, but I just thought I just had to come clean and let you know. Sorry. They paid me.

Yeah, fair. I knew it as well.

Yeah. I went down to London this morning to do the tail enders wrap up of the test match. I think this is why I'm ready for this episode because I've got a bit more intel of what I want to talk about.

Wait, you only did the rival podcast?

The rival podcast. So if people see me on there and they hear me on here, don't worry, not going anywhere. Greg was just away so I got the call up. I think they were desperate actually.

It's quite cool. You were drag. James. Greg.

James. No, I was. Felix White didn't have a guitar. But Jimmy was Jimmy. Felix was Greg. I was Felix. Matching. Was matching.

Okay. I'm gonna have to just think about how I feel. Take it in, process it. I might have to put you on ice for a week or two.

Don't make any decisions while you're emotional, though. That's the only advice I'd give you.

Yeah, but I. I emotionally called you a.

You did. And you left and then came back.

Yeah. I'd always come back.

Anyway, Melbourne Boxing Day, Test match taught me.

What on earth is going on in the world of test match cricket?

I don't know, but I don't like it. I'm just gonna put it out there. I don't like it.

Well, when we were leaving on day one, one of the stewards went to me, thanks for coming to our T20. I was like, it did feel a bit like that.

Yeah. That's a good summary. Maybe we should get him interviewed as well. Like, they've done the curator. Groundsman. They've interviewed the groundsman after this Test match. What is going on in the world of cricket if we're now interviewing the groundsman?

Someone's going, I'm not going to be blamed.

You are mad. Just absolute madness. Where do you want to start?

Okay, I want to start in the fact that in the history of Ashes cricket, the last two day game in Perth before that was in like 1920. And then we've had two in four.

Games in four weeks. Yeah, not good. Really? Really not good. So much so that I saw that Australia are having cricket. Australia having to think about potentially franchising the BBL next year because they're quite short of cash.

I did see they've lost $21 million from it, which doesn't surprise me.

I found a good stat, actually, that I wanted to read out. I've just sums it up. The Melbourne Boxing Day Test match started at 11am in Melbourne on Boxing Day and it ended at 8.25pm ish on Boxing Day in Hawaii. So it was literally a test match played entirely within Boxing Day. Oh, my God. What the.

Honestly, Crossy, I don't know what. I don't know what I witnessed. It was almost like on day one. Here we go again, like. And then England. I said, I can't remember what I said and I can't remember, did England battle ball first England ball.

They both won the toss and bold.

Right? So I was, like I said about three hours into the day and Australia were a few down. I just jokingly said at the back of the box. Australia will be batting again tonight. And everyone went, shut up. And I was like, australia will be batting again tonight. And then England, we're all out for 110. And Australia were four for none at the end of play. Scott Boland opened the batting.

That one I get because night watcher, but poor Josh Tonk takes a FIFA on Boxing Day at the MCG and then has an hour off, has some food and then has to put his bowling boots back on and go back out there on the same day.

I know, I know. But didn't bowl the over, which he should have because he was on a hat trick.

I wouldn't have agreed that that would have been a hat trick if he'd got him out because he would have got the same batter out twice.

No. How good would that be?

My point that I would like to make about this Test match is a very bowler brain. Got my bowler hat on right now. The pitch came back as unsatisfactory. They've marked it unsatisfactory because it was very heavily favoured in the bowlers. For the bowlers.

Yeah.

How many Test matches have we watched where the track is very heavily favored for the batters? And 500 plays, 500 plays, 400 plays, 400. And it's really hard to take 20 wickets. And it's never unsatisfactory.

No, it's not. But I know why I'm not.

I'm. No, I'm not saying that this should have been marked as a satisfactory pitch. I get it and I get that it was a challenge, but it wasn't like the ball was moving three meters at a time. It was. It was just moving off the. Do you know what I mean? It's. It wasn't drastic. It was. It was unexpected, but it wasn't like the ball is doing magical things.

The wobble ball was pretty unbelievable.

Yeah, I know. Do you know what I'm saying, though? Do you know, like, how many Test matches have the bowlers had to endure it and endure it and then it was heavily in the B of favor. But no one mentions that and no one. It's just well done. If you've taken wickets on a. On a flat pitch, which I'm sure Sydney is going to be the bowlers.

It's a batter's life. We know that.

Yeah. I just wanted to highlight it again. So if you're playing the drinking game, I think that should probably be on the bingo card by now.

Yeah. I agree it was an unsatisfactory pitch. But how can you have Perth being A very good pitch and that being unsatisfactory. That's what I want to know. What's the difference?

Because the Boxing Day Test match shouldn't last two days. And that is why they've probably marked it as that. Because they lost. Was it like £1,000,000 for every mill of grass that the creator shouldn't have put on the grass?

Did you see the curator cut the wicket after the game? And everyone was like, no, bit late now, mate. Because he was like, I can get a BBL game out of this now.

Yeah, yeah. Probably get two. Be another Test match on that next week.

Oh, the whole thing has been. It's been a bit of a shocking series, actually, if we're gonna be honest.

I think that's what I was trying to say earlier. It's not been enjoyable.

I got a message from somebody overnight, actually. Kit sent me a DM and he. Because I just put a little picture of me on the beach on day three and then a little picture of me going to the beach on day four. And he said something along the lines of, how about instead of gloating, this Test match didn't go to five days. Think of all the people that are out in Australia not being able to watch cricket. I was like, what could I do about that?

And they're at the beach with you.

Yeah.

I saw the Barmy army go and watch Perth Glory in the away section.

Yeah.

And they were just doing the Barmy army chant. So they still got to watch live sport and do their singing. So they'll be. I think they'll be happy. They had a night out with Graham Swan as well, apparently.

Yeah. I went to St Kilda on day three and I can tell you there was not one Australian in sight on that beach. It was all English people with Harry Brooke and Brad and Koss.

The Australia fans were probably at the fan village getting to meet Pat Cummins, because I saw that all the Australian players went and did, like, a fan interaction thing on day. What should have been day three.

How good is that, by the way? That would never happen in England.

No, it wouldn't. I've got a small bones pick with Jonathan Agnew as well.

Oh, no.

I was listening to the debrief after the game and he said that England can now enjoy an evening in Australia. And it really bothered me. I'm pretty sure it was him. It might have been Simon Mann, actually. So I'll put them both. I'll pick the bone with both of them just in case. But when.

When was it we were Listening to the TMF straight after the game. Okay. So, yeah, yeah, okay.

It was when they were doing. They got like Jobu and Bethel and everyone do an interview. So it was part of the podcast, but it was straight after the game reaction. And yeah, it just really bothered me because I think that is one of the problems with how people view professional sport, that just because they've won a game of cricket now, we as fans, we as pundits are allowing these players to enjoy themselves. And I just think it's really unhealthy and really quite an old school thing to say. Like, Jovu has got his family out there. He's not just enjoying cricket because he wins.

Yeah, I do know what you're saying, but I had no problem with the boys in Noosa and the Ben Duckett thing. Like, the guy who filmed Ben Duckett is an absolute.

Yeah. He's not come out of this well, has he?

But you're right, you have to be able to enjoy every day.

Yeah. And I'm not saying go out and get on the lash every day, but professional sports people only allowed to enjoy touring and enjoy their lifestyle if they win. Is that what we're measuring them on now like that? It just really annoyed me that he said that.

Fully agree with you. Obviously it was really nice to see an England win in Australia this year.

Yeah, of course. And that's the bit I don't want. I don't want to feel negative about it because obviously it's amazing the boys have gone and won a game after 15 years of not winning over there. Yeah, incredible. Like, yes, it was a mad chaotic two day game, but they've still broken that back. So good on them. Well done.

Another thing, obviously everyone was like, it's the first time in 15 years England have won a test in Australia and Ellie Oldroyd was like, actually the girls in 2014.

Oh, go on, Ellie. There's always one. I would like you for the record as well, because now I'm brave enough to say it, but I'd like you to tell everyone what my prediction was for this test for this series.

Your prediction for this series was that Matthew Fisher will end up playing a test match.

Yep. And the scoreline would be 4:1. Yeah. And I think I'm on. I think they'll play poxy, but I think I got an outside chance.

We got the score, picked the predictions up the other day because TMS did predictions and there's only me and Simon man left.

Oh, yes. What do you mean?

Just like credit and the fact that all those trolls that email TMS to say that I shouldn't be on air will go, maybe she knows what she's talking about.

So much so we've not even talked about this on the podcast trolls. Because some of you will listen to this podcast and some of you will have us off. We're off Twitter. I've been off it for a while. You've just recently come off it.

Yeah, I, I came off it after the Perth test. So it's day two of the Perth test, but morning of and I woke up and I just like looked at my mentions and there was some nice messages, don't get me wrong. But then there was some people saying that I'm ruining TMS and they're going to turn it off when I'm on. Which fine. Like actually can't please everybody. Not problem. Like I actually would rather you didn't tag me in that. But it doesn't bother me that I read it.

It's a horrible place now, isn't it? So, so horrible. And I used to love it years and years and years ago when it first started because you had access to celebrities and they would tell you what they're up to and they'd be a bit more personable on there. And now it has just become this cesspit of people having free speech to be able to just tell you that you or you're fat or you're no good at cricket or whatever it is. So I've not missed it one bit.

I can't with the trolls. I don't want to give you the time of day kit. If you're gonna DM me and give me, I'm gonna read it on the podcast. So there you go.

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Are you feeling all right because we're quite. We're up for this podcast, aren't we? You. Is it the time of the month or anything?

I no, it's not. I've just come off my period actually. I'm.

Yes, well it's funny obviously that we bring that up because that was another thing that you got absolutely slated for talking about.

Oh my word. How I don't understand how I've made certainly right crossy. Let's be honest during an ash's series, men's or women's that I make the headlines of the paper somehow this time unexpected, absolutely ludicrous.

I woke up obviously this is how I get the news. I wake up, I see what's gone on and that morning, my entire newsfeed was about you being on your period. And it blew my mind that anyone had taken the time of day to write about that. Like, that became a headline.

I couldn't, honestly couldn't believe it. So I have talked about being on my period many, many, many times on tms. And the cricket was. Must have been so boring that people decided to write about it like it's utterly nuts. And what I do want to say is I have no problem in talking about this sort of thing because I think it should be normalized. How is it not normalized? Like, if a young girl is listening to the radio and hears that I'm on my period, then she'll go, oh, like that's totally normal for people to talk about it. And, you know, it shouldn't be taboo. Everybody gets a period. All I said was, I am on my period.

It's crazy, isn't it? And like, I've got a few quotes here of what was put online about this, so I'll just read them out to give. I mean, I feel like people who obviously listen to the podcast know how graphic we can be about some things, how in depth we could go into some things, but people are probably more ready for it. Listening to the podcast where you shocked people was by doing it live on tms. And a couple of quotes were all too symptomatic of women constantly trying to invade men's safe spaces. So by that I can only imagine this person means that TMS is a man's safe place where women cannot be part of.

How dare a man who is a fertilized egg be frightened of a period?

Does he know how it all works? Like he would not exist if women didn't have periods. Another one. The BBC have been completely taken over by the woke police allowing this behavior. Behavior? Alex, your period apparently is a behavior.

How. How dare I? Do you know what? I just get a hysterectomy now, shall I?

It's absolutely fascinating. So anyway, I just wanted to, for a few people who don't know what was the fact that I gave you before, about how many. Between six and a half and ten years on average. A woman will bleed for in her life. That is what, a good seventh of her life. I'm so bad at maths. That'll be really bad. That won't be right.

Well, if.

Let's think of it for 70 years.

Yeah, if the average age is 70, yeah.

So 10th, maybe a bit more of your life we will spend having to cope with bleeding and we're not allowed to talk about it. But.

But you're not one you're not allowed to talk about. How dare it happen at work.

How dare you talk and mention it and say that it has affected the mood that you've been in. Tongue in cheek. Because cricket wasn't going very well for England.

Can I just say, Dan Norcross is an amazing human in that situation. He just went, oh, okay. Carried on with the cricket chat and made a joke and it's funny. And the newspapers were like, dan Norcross reacts poorly. Or like Alex Hartley talks about period and shocks TMS fans and listeners and pundit. Dan was not shocked. I wanted to just point it out. Dan is the most open, great, yeah, open man I've ever met. Dan actually said to me the day before, I think you do on your period. And I said, thank you. Because this man has spent that much time with me, he knows my cycle better than I do.

Yeah, I also, yes, he dealt with it really well. But I don't think we should be applauding Dan for coping with that conversation the way it should be coped with like that. That's how it should have happened. And now we're going, oh, Dan was brilliant. He handled it really well. No, that's just what everyone should respond with or say, how are you? Is there anything I can do to help?

Females shouldn't be scared to talk about their periods. Like, not at all. It's normal, it's natural. It really, really makes me laugh.

Quick, funny one that we got from Chris in Bournemouth. He actually emailed TMS and he said, alex, you got it the wrong way around. It was the cricket that brought on the period, not the period causing the inevitable reaction to it. I know this because I had my first period yesterday which could only be explained by the cricket as a middle aged man.

Yeah, very good. Very, very good.

Thank you, Chris.

And on the flip side, Crossy, I had, I want to say, 4000 dms from people being like, this was amazing. Thanks for talking about it. Even though I didn't like in my mind, I didn't talk about it, I just mentioned it. So loads of girl dads, loads of mums, loads of teenagers, loads of men also defending me. So I want to like say, like, it wasn't all bad.

Okay, well that is good. On the back of it, we've actually had an email that's got a few questions on it. So while we're on the subject, should we just shall read it out? Dear Kate and Alex, I'm supreet a longtime listener and a second time messenger, I just wanted to say how absolutely incredible it was to hear Alex speak about her period on tms. Truly iconic. Again, probably shouldn't be, but it was. Hearing menstruation spoken about so openly on a national cricket broadcast felt quietly revolutionary for many of us listening. I don't think it was an exaggeration to say it was deeply empowering. I'm from a very small, conservative town in India and as a child I dreamt of becoming a cricketer. But when I got my first period, I was banned. Wow. From playing with the boys. There was no academies willing to take a girl. Anyway, on top of that, I had extremely heavy and painful periods and no one spoke about it ever.

Yeah.

We've not even mentioned about the fact that people are really quite poorly with their periods every month as well, aren't they?

Yeah.

The impact of what you do reaches much further than you probably realize. My question for a future episode is how do athletes navigate periods during matches, especially heavy bleeding or pain, when they're competing at the highest level and under so much pressure? And what role can coaches and support staff play in helping young girls feel supported and unafraid to talk about their periods, particularly in countries where shame still surrounds it? Also, I find myself chuckling and laughing about out loud in very random public spaces while listening to the two of you. So thank you for all of the shambles. Good luck and happy holidays. Supreet.

Ah, it shouldn't be. This is. This is why it needs to be spoken about. Because the more it's spoken about, the more normalized it is. Because I cannot believe somebody would be banned from playing cricket for hitting puberty.

That's just crazy, isn't it? It's actually heartbreaking that. Think about the barriers that girls have had anyway, just because it's never been deemed a female sport or historically hadn't. And then the moment where you're probably the most scared as a female when you've got your first period and you have to go and tell your parents about it and you don't know what. Some people don't even know what it is.

Yeah.

And then you also get banned from the sport. That probably gives you a little bit of respite from things that are going on at home or whatever else is going on in your life. It's just absolutely crazy.

My first period was actually at a club cricket game and we were all in fully whites. It was when we used to play club cricket in whites and I was like, I feel a bit Funny. And I went to the toilet and I'd come on my period and it had been. It was my first ever one and I was quite old, so I was like 16. So I was like. All my friends had been through it and I knew that people I was playing with, probably on their periods, but I had to go into the dressing room and be like, I've had my first period. Has anyone got any sort of side products? Because. Yeah, and a girl called Emma, Emma Calvert, she's actually the director of cricket at Surina, she gave me a tampon and I was like, looked at it and I was like, how do I. How do I use it?

What do I do?

Yeah. And she had to like, sort of explain it to me and it was really simple. Pull it out, push it in, you'll be fine. And I sort of figured it out. But imagine being 13 and going through that.

Not 16 or younger. Yeah, even younger than that.

How did you manage it when you were playing? Well, you do play professional cricket.

I've. To be fair, I'm not that affected by my period, so it's never too, like, I have a bad day with it, but it's never anything that stops me from doing sport. In fact, I actually think. I've got no evidential proof for this, but I actually think I've had some of my best games when I've been on my period. I think for whatever reason, I don't know why, whether you. Sometimes you, like some girls, feel stronger or feel more switched on and stuff, don't they? But I, Yeah, I'm quite lucky in that regard. But I know that test match week for the girls is obviously quite an anxiety inducing week, especially when you've been on tour for a while and a lot of the girls have synced up. And our doctor, who's amazing, Tom, he would give us pills that would stop our periods from happening. So if you weren't on contraception to be able to control when and when you. When and where you're having your periods, he had these ones that would literally block your period, which I'm not. I don't know whether that's that good for you, but everyone would rather do that than risk something bad happening when you're on TV wearing your whites. Yeah, Gosh.

See, I, I wouldn't do that. I would just. I used to just every drinks break go off and. So you can keep. You can keep a tampon in for like five hours, can't you? But I would make sure, especially if it was day one, I would Just go off the field and change it every hour just to make. Just to be ultra safe. And then some people would obviously put like a little panty liner in as well.

I think as well, this, the question about the coaches and the support staff is really important because I would hate to think that this is a taboo subject around women's sports teams, which, to be fair, the teams that I've been involved in, it, it hasn't been. And it does help if you've got a female physio or a female doctor or a female coach around. But I just think educate yourself. If you're a coach and you coach women, educate yourself on it and no one has to be rude about it. Like, you don't have to say, I know I said it tongue in cheek to you earlier, but, like, if someone's having a bad day, don't be like, is it because you've got your period, but have that open conversation or that dialect with your players to know that they know that you're there to help them if you need it.

Yeah, yeah. It just. It just blows my mind that it's even still such a thing.

Mad.

Absolutely crazy. It actually makes me really sad that you think about other parts of the world and how it's. It'll be much worse than it is for us. You know, we're in the UK and you've still got men being like, can't even talk about it. Whereas in places like India, it's like, okay, well, we can't play cricket now.

Yeah, you can't talk about it because you've invaded a man's safe space.

It has. And I have.

Honestly, what is going on? It's 2026 next week, guys. Happy New Year, everyone.

By the way, Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. But, yeah, it's 2026 next week, so grow the up. Women have periods. Get over it.

Grossi. We've done basically 30 minutes already. We've spoke cricket and we spoke. We've actually had quite a serious but fun podcast there.

We needed it, didn't we? But we didn't want to do it for the Christmas episode because we had the Christmas quiz. So we knew that we wanted to give this the right amount of airtime and the correct amount of airtime. You can email us on noblespodcastbc.co.uk. noballspodcastbc.co.uk it's so good. They've said it twice. You can also WhatsApp us on 033-01-231826.

Friends, you can text us on 8. Double one. Double one.

Please start your message with no balls or one word. So it comes to us. I think that's the best we've ever done that.

That is. And also, guys, we actually read some emails out, so ta da. We do read them.

We do. Everyone have a very lovely New Year's Eve. It's my. Not my favorite night of the year, but you're going out on a little excursion, aren't you?

I've got.

We're going.

I'm going on a boat. I'm going on a boat on the Sydney Harbour. It's like bucket list.

It's gonna be. That is amazing. Please send me some pictures. I know you will, but have a great night. I hope everyone has a very safe 2026. And talk to your daughters about their periods.

Yeah. Merry Christmas, everybody. Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

Merry Easter.

Bye.

Bye.

This winter, cricket's oldest rivalry is reignited. England and Australia do battle to compete for the Ashes.

That is extraordinary.

Here, live ball by ball commentary on 5 Sports Extra and get analysis and reaction of every day's play with the Test Match special podcast. The straps out of the ground Test Match special at the Ashes. Listen on BBC Sounds.

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