E232: Trick or Treat: The Bedroom Edition

Hold water in your mouth while giving a blowjob. Both of you wear AirPods and listen to different sexy playlists. This is another one where I was like, what is the thought behind this? Switch positions every 60 seconds. Like a hiit workout.

I like that addition. Like a hiit workout.

Send your partner outside. Start giving them a striptease through the window that only they can see.

Oh, I'm so glad they included that.

Aside and time how long it takes them to come back inside. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.

And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for. For improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. We are back with one of our favorite series from the podcast, Smash or.

Pass, but also Trick or Treat, bitches.

You really just, like, blew the lead on that one. Like, you have to explain that a little bit. You can't just, you can't just say trick or treat, bitches. Like, that doesn't make any sense.

I mean, it's that time of year, right? Okay, Everyone knows. Everyone knows it's coming.

We thought, you know, oh, it's Halloween time. Like, let's just, instead of Smash or Pass, we'll call it, like Trick or treat. But you want to, like, explain that.

A little, little bit. That's why I have you here for. Right? That's why it's a two person chop. This podcasting chop.

A two person chop. Okay. If you don't know Smash, if you don't know Halloween, here's what Halloween is.

We might have a couple listeners. I mean, Halloween is a very American thing. I know. It's spreading around the world.

I think people. People know what it is. People know what it is. Okay, so if you haven't heard of Smash or Pass, maybe you're a newer podcast listener. In which case. Hello. Sorry for the awkward intro, but Smash or Pass is our series where we try out weird sex positions from. Or not positions, just stuff. Interesting sex tips from the Internet.

Because they're from the Internet. Often they end up being weird.

Yeah. We ask our community on Instagram, if you're not following us there, you should. We're at Vanessa and Zander, but we ask Them like, okay, what's a sex tip that you've heard maybe on the Internet? Maybe it's like an urban legend. A friend of yours told you you read it in a Cosmo magazine in the 90s, and you can't get it out of the back of your head.

Or any other magazine?

Yeah. So what's, like, what's a tip that you've always been curious about, but maybe you haven't tried it out yourself? So we set ourselves up to be. We will be the guinea pigs for this. We'll try out all the tips that nobody really wants to try but is kind of curious about. Like, does that actually work?

Does it actually do anything? Sometimes. Sometimes they do.

Sometimes they do.

Sometimes there's some truth to some of these.

Definitely after this episode, you can scroll back and listen to the other ones in the series. We have had some surprises, some very surprising surprises, things that we continue to do to this day that we discovered from this series.

I know. Thank God for it. Where would we be without Smash or Pass, Babe?

Mostly they're just a lot of funny failures to spoil this episode a little bit. Okay, so let's jump right into it. The very first tip that we tried out was somebody said, hold water in your mouth while giving a blow job. So what do you think the intention was behind this tip? What do you. What do you think people thought it would do?

I mean, I tried taking a big sip of water, holding it in my mouth while Vanessa gave me a blowjob, and I didn't really notice any difference except that I had to breathe through my nose. No, I'm just kidding. The tip was for Vanessa. But why would I think it would work? I. I don't really. I didn't have high hopes for this one, to be honest. I think if I have to, like, read the tea leaves as to why this is a tip out there, I think that maybe it's sort of, like, meant to make it kind of messier. I think that this. This sounds. This sounds like someone who's not very sexually experienced, who has some fantasies about maybe, like, some messy, sloppy blow jobs and also maybe some fantasies about, like, lubrication, who doesn't actually really know how sex works and doesn't have a lot of experience was like, oh, yeah, I bet if you have your mouth full of water, get that.

No, I don't like that.

All over the dick. Water dick. But as anybody knows, I mean, I know this from early on in my sexual experience with masturbating in the shower or water is not lubricant. Like water doesn't do anything. In fact, it maybe takes away like it causes some friction.

See? Yeah, I would have thought. I wouldn't have thought this one was about being sloppy. I would have thought it was more about like. Oh, there's an added sensation of like having the water in your mouth. Or like playing with different temperatures. Like have it be hot water, boiling hot water.

Water that slowly gets warmer and warmer in your mouth until it boils.

Or like. Cause people are. That's another tip of like put an ice cube in your mouth to like cool your mouth down beforehand.

Yeah.

And I have seen the tip of like put hot water, like drink hot tea and then do the blow job.

Yeah. But let me say this though. Water doesn't create a new sensation for your penis. Have you ever been in a swimming pool? Were you like, oh my God, this, this water feels incredible on my dick. I mean, if that were the case, men would just be popping boners left and right in swimming pools or in the ocean. Oh, you know what? God. Maybe this is why I surf. Maybe this is why I surf so much, babe.

Like all that water shit, guys.

You caught me. You caught me. It's actually.

Oh my God.

It's actually my secret kink. Ocean boners. Water. Dec.

I can.

I'm so. Water hard. Water hard right now.

Like a public pool. Just like a ton of just all men pool nobody wants to get.

Yeah. With like kind of like a little subtle hip thrusting. Bobbing. Yeah. So that's not a thing. Let me tell you. Because if it were, we would know about it. We would know about it. And there would be no such thing as public pools. Unless it's a conspiracy. And that's why we have public pools. And we men have been pulling the wool over. Over women's eyes since the dawn of time. It is true in, in certain ways, but not when it comes to this.

I never thought of that. I'm so glad you brought that up.

So. Yeah, so. So we can cross out sensation as an option. Which again brings me back to my suspicion that it some, you know, sex starved teenager or you know, young man who doesn't have a lot of experience being. Let me. I have a good idea. Make them get real sloppy blowjobs with water. But here's the problem, ladies and gentlemen. It's just not enjoyable because one, the water doesn't feel like anything. What the water does in her mouth is, in anyone's mouth is it causes you to go really slow and be really careful. So that you don't get water everywhere.

Yeah. So here's the thing. So, like, I put water in my mouth, but then, you know when you're doing a blow job, like, your head is pointing down, so I'm already like, oh, how am I gonna keep this water in my mouth? Then you're trying to put something into your mouth, so your mouth naturally has to open to put something into your mouth.

Yeah. Gravity is working against you here.

If I open my mouth at all, all the water is just going to come out. Which did happen one time, and then another time it was like, okay, let me try to, like, keep my lips sealed. But then you're, like, trying to put a dick in your mouth while, like, keeping your mouth, like, tightly closed.

Like, this kind of reminds me.

It's not very sexy.

It kind of reminds me of, like, you also.

You really need to be watching this episode on YouTube if you're not, because already, like, the faces that we're making, like, you have to see this.

This might be a weird reference. I take a fair number of. Of pills, like, supplements, and it's like. It's like, if you ever have a situation where you don't have a cup of water. So, like, you, like, I don't know, I will, like, turn the tap on in the bathroom and, like, like, get some water in my mouth and then, like, try to, like, suck the pill through my lips or something so that you don't spill water.

Very niche comparison.

Like, it's kind of. It's like. It's like a weird that, you know, you got to, like, really, like, get it in quick, and then, like, imagine trying to get something bigger. Like a whole dick.

Yeah.

In your mouth with. While you're.

It doesn't matter.

While water is trying. The gravity is literally pulling the water out of your mouth, and you're trying to get the dick in. That just doesn't seem like a recipe for success. And then. Okay, so you drip some water down. It's like, you.

It's not sexy.

If you're into, like, messy, sloppy blow jobs. Great. Like, let that be. Spit something that you can actually see. Like, water is clear, and so it's just like, oh, there's some water running.

Spits clear, too.

Well, I don't know. Spit. Different viscous.

It has a different viscosity to it.

It's more.

And, like, water just like.

Yeah. If you give a messy, spitty blow job, like, you can tell with water, it's like, oh, it's a little wet, and then it's gone. Yeah.

It's also really hard to figure out, like, the right amount of water to get. Like, there were times where I was like, cheeks full. That's too much, versus, like, oh, I. Now I barely have any water in my mouth. Like, is. Are you feeling any sort of difference whatsoever? And like, you said, like, you have to go. I had to be very cautious with the blow job because it's like, I'm. I'm solely focused, honestly, on just keeping the water in my mouth and not, like, making a big mess all over the bed.

Yeah, it's a shit blowjob, guys.

It was not. It was not good. So this one was a trick or a treat trick. It was a big old trick. Yeah. I don't recommend holding water in your mouth while giving a blow job. And for the record, I also don't recommend trying to, like, change the temperature of your mouth with hot water or an ice cube.

Like, well, it's not going to last for very long, is one thing. Our bodies. Think about this. Our bodies are meant to regulate a very specific temperature.

Yeah.

They're really, really, really good at that. And so you change the temperature of the inside of your mouth, it's going to. Very quickly. Your body, like, is literally going to go into overtime to equalize the temperature. So, yeah, your mouth will be cold with an ice cube in it until the ice cube melts. And I would venture a guess that, like, 20 seconds later, it's going to be back to normal temperature.

Yeah, it really doesn't do anything.

Otherwise you'd be like, oh, my mouth is cold. Have you ever struggled with cold mouth? I haven't.

I have not. Okay, let's move on to our second trick or treat that we tried.

Was that almost a slip? You were almost like, our second trick.

Yeah.

Don't give it away, babe.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay, both of you wear AirPods and listen to different sexy playlists. This is another one where I was like, what is the thought behind this?

Oh, I know what it is. It's so that you can play out your Leonardo DiCaprio fantasy.

Oh, no, that's just one person.

Yeah, but they're making it, like, socially acceptable because we're both doing it.

Okay, if you haven't heard of that, apparently there's, like, an urban legend that Leonardo DiCaprio wears headphones while he has sex with people.

Urban legend. That's a very generous way to put it, for Leo's sake.

He's never confirmed it himself, so I don't want to make Any assumptions? It's an allegation. There you go. Okay, so, yeah, I don't understand what the intent is. So we do love a sexy playlist. Like, I think sexy playlists are great. We both do. Like, we. We listen to a playlist every single time that we have sex with each other. We're big fans of that. But I'm like, why would we want to listen to different ones?

Yeah.

I mean, maybe if you and your partner have, like, wildly different music tastes like you like listening to.

Like, finally I get to listen to my heavy metal.

Yeah. They're like, I want heavy metal. Like, okay, so we tried this. And what did you think of it?

I mean, I would just pass on this. Like, it just felt like I was alone.

Yeah.

Having sex with you. Like, we weren't together in the experience. And also, I mean. Yeah. Then it's like you're. Each of you is kind of going to different songs. So, like. Yeah. You know, I think when you're listening to music together, it's like you get a certain song. You're like, oh, this song is hot. Or like, oh, this is sexy. And you're kind of like, both vibing in the same way to the same energy. And it's like, not only am I alone, because I have earbuds in my ears which kind of block out sound and whatnot. Like, oh, yeah.

I have the newer AirPods, which have, like, really intense sound canceling and just like, everything is wiped out aside from the music. So that's a very. It was a weird sensory experience for me.

Yeah. So, I mean, I think that, like, if. If you want to experience with kind of like sensory play or sensory deprivation, maybe. Sure. This seems like a baby step in, like. Oh, yeah, maybe. Would you. I mean, I've never heard of anyone be like, take away your. Your ears. Like, obvious people will be like, you know, tie. You know, get tied up so you can't move. Blindfold yourself.

People will put in earplugs.

Yeah.

It's a. It's just a different form of sensory deprivation because then you. Yeah. You can't, like, hear what's going. It's usually in combination with, like, the blindfold plus the earplugs. So you really don't know what's going on.

Yeah, that. That's. Was thinking is that, you know, I. I think taking away your vision. You know, vision is a much more powerful sense for humans than. Than hearing. You know, first I'm thinking like dogs. Whereas, like, hearing. Hearing and smelling is like one of the, like, Two biggest things for them, but for us, our. Our sense of touch and our sense of. Of sense of our sights are like our two biggest things. Right? So like, when you take your sight away, then all of a sudden you're like, oh, yeah, I'm like, really kind of alone here. And I can imagine adding the ears on top of that. Then it's like, wow, I'm really kind of in the dark in my own world. So I could understand that if it's like, hey, one partner just wants to be totally in their own zone. Sure. Play around with earplugs and eye mask. Or play around with eye mask and like, actually listening to your own music. I could. I could imagine that that would be fun. But the fact that it's like, both of us, we can see each other, but we can't hear each other, and we know that we're listening to other things. I was just like, why? Why are we doing this? Why are we doing this?

Doing this? Yeah.

Yeah.

This was absolutely a trick. It was not. Not fun, not sexy. It really didn't add anything to the experience. It felt very disconnecting.

Yeah. My suspicion with a lot of these. A lot of these tips is it's like, is there are. There's some kind of, I don't know, truth behind them in that, like, they're a very light or mild way to start experience. Not. Sorry. Experience. To start experimenting with certain sort of kinks, like, in a very soft way where you don't have to name, like, oh, this is what I'm trying to play around with. But the problem is, like, the tip is not like, oh, try this out. And if you like it, you might actually be into this, you know, this specific kink or this type of play. And so it's like, I feel like these are kind of written up by people that probably have, you know, worked for these magazines back in the 90s that were into these very specific things and didn't feel comfortable talking about it. And it was like, oh, this is how I'm going to try to get people to, like, do more stuff.

Talk with your creepy voice. I can't with it today. Different creepy voice.

I mean, honestly, I think a lot of these tips are written with kind of creepy intent.

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I like that addition. Like a hiit workout.

Yeah. So this one was so another one like all three of these were very confusing to me. I'm like, I like switching positions. We usually do like a handful of positions every time we're intimate with each other. I think positions are a really fun, low pressure, low stakes way to play around during sex. And they can also have a surprisingly big impact too. Like even just shifting the angle slightly changing the position of one of your limbs like tilting your hips. Little changes can make big differences. By the way, if you want to explore positions in a genuinely fun and useful way, I will put a link to our ultimate sex guide in the show notes. It's 42 different positions that actually work. Actually realistic. We go through the ins and outs of all of them, how to get into them, out of them, transition between them, maximize pleasure, and all of them. It's very, very fun. So I'll link that. But. But, yeah, so we're big fans of positions, but this one, I'm like, okay, why every 60 seconds? That's. That sounded fast to me before we even started this. And, yeah, like, yeah. Why does it have to be so frequent?

Well, I'm pretty sure that, again, this is a tip that is meant to be suggested by someone to their partner. Like, where in their relationship they typically don't do a lot of positions. Or like, one partner would really like to do more positions, but maybe other partner is resistant. Or they just never talk about it and don't have a track record of doing it quickly. It's not, like, to force them, but it's just like. It's just like a dumb. Rather than being like, hey, why don't we experiment with some more positions? It's like, oh, I heard this sexy tip. Like, we try switching every 60 seconds so that it's like, like a forcing function. But I mean, the problem with this is that it's like 60 seconds was like, right as you maybe are starting to get into a groove of like, oh, yeah, this is like, okay, you know, I think it takes it. You get into a new position. You kind of got to find the rhythm and figure out, like, where you're going with it. And for me, it's like, right as I was starting to be like, oh, yeah, this is getting good. They'd be like, oh, time to switch. So I guess, like, if you are maybe wanting to. If you are really into, like, the novelty of positions and possibly maybe wanting to extend intercourse a bit, this could be a good suggestion because it kind of takes you out of the moment a bit and kind of it's a bit distracting. And so it's like, instead of thinking about baseball, think about the fact that your alarm's about to go off every 60 seconds.

No, every 60 seconds is way too frequent. Like, maybe every. What would be a timeline? Maybe like every three minutes.

Maybe even, like two minutes? I think.

Yeah, two or three minutes.

I feel like things go faster. Like, I'm so bad at time estimation, but I bet you two minutes. I bet you two minutes would be fine. But 60 seconds is like, that's kind of just as you're starting to get your bags.

Yeah. Find your groove in something. Yeah. So, I mean, we set a timer on our phone. Cause we're like, I don't want to be in my head counting out the 60 seconds. That seems annoying. But also then having the timer and an alarm go off every 60 seconds was also very annoying and distracting.

Well, maybe we should have used, you know, you know, those, like, workout timers, specifically. Like, our trainer has one where it's like, beep, beep.

We didn't.

We didn't use one of those. Maybe if we had really made it, like a hit workout, that would have, you know.

I don't think so.

Gotten the juices flowing.

I don't think so. Yeah, it was. It just felt fast, and it felt. There were times when the timer would go off, and I was like, but I'm enjoying this position. And that feels good. Like, I don't want to have to switch to something new so quickly.

And.

Yeah, it was just. It felt like a. I felt like this performance pressure of it versus when we're just naturally switching positions. You know, we'll kind of talk for a moment about, like, oh, what do we want to do next? Or like, one of us will just move the other one into a position. It feels like. It just feels easier. But this one, it felt more pressure of, like, oh, my God, what are we going to do next? Oh, my God, what are we going to do next? You know, so it was. Yeah, it was not enjoyable.

Yeah. Also, when Vanessa and I are not timing ourselves off the vast majority of the time and doing different positions.

Every other time that we've had sex.

Every other time, we are. We are changing positions, but usually, like, our. I mean, I think this is interesting. Our definition of sort of or our conception of changing positions, I think is very different from many people's. I think a lot of people think, oh, if I'm changing positions, it's like we are completely stopping. We are getting, you know, moving. Someone is like, moving around. Someone's getting, you know, moving from being I'm on top versus you're on top or whatever. And I think that that is one of the things that trips people up over sex positions a lot is, like, feeling like the. Like, the stimulation is completely stopping. We're having to totally move. And that. That can impact the mood, because it can. I'm not saying that it kills the mood because we. We will sometimes. Yes. Be like, you know, move from, say, she's on top to then I'm on. You cannot really do that staying still inside. But when we change position, it's a lot like more kind of like bigger variations on similar positions where, like, very often it's like, like, I won't cut. Like, I won't. I will still be inside of Vanessa the entire time, but you can still do a lot of different positions that feel very different.

Yeah.

Um, and I think that's one of the really cool things about Ultimate Sex Guide is, like, we talk about actually different ones, but then all the variations and the transitions between them. So many people, like, don't know that that is possible. And that really opens the door to a lot of fun variation and finding People are shocked at, like, oh, I thought that this was the exact same position, but we just move, like, you know, the angle 20 degrees this way or that way, and all of a sudden it's like, oh, my God, this is ten times better for me.

Yeah. All right. So, yeah, sadly, that was another trick. No treats.

No treats.

What. What kind of candy was a trick for you when you were trick or treating? Did you get to go trick or treating since you, like, grew up in the freaking woods?

I did.

How did you. Like, you couldn't walk to houses?

No, no. Absolutely not. So for a couple of years.

Wait, you have to tell people, like, where you grew up.

I grew up in the mountains north of Santa Cruz in a little area called Bonny Doon. And yeah, I grew up way in the woods. I could walk to, like, a friend's house from my house. It was a maybe like 10 or 15 minute walk or like 6 or 7 minute bike ride on. However, you could not walk to, like, other houses with kids and whatnot. So for a couple of years, in their kind of like, broader neighborhood area, I think that there was a coordination between parents and families. And what we would do is we would all get in my neighbor's dad's big van and we would go drive, like, house to house. And it was. It was super fun because, like, whoever's house it was would kind of put on a big production for everyone when they arrived. So that was super fun for a couple of years. And then once I was in. Once I was probably like, older in elementary school and then especially into middle school. In middle school, I went to school in Santa Cruz, not in. There's an elementary school in Bonnie Dune. There's no middle schools or high schools. So then I was like, in Santa Cruz, and I would Just go, like, spend the night at a friend's house in town, and we'd go trick or treating, like, in a neighborhood.

Okay, so what was your. What was the good candy to get and the bad candy?

Oh, well, 100. The. The trick is candy corn forever and always. That is just. Piece of candy does not deserve to even exist.

I see. I don't love candy corn, but I don't think it's the worst ever. Like, I mean, I would never eat it at this point, but, like, it's just.

And it has a sickening flavor.

I kind of like the texture, though. Nice little bite to it.

Okay. Other tricks. I mean, people that give out, like, Hershey's Kisses. It's like, come on. Give out the little, like, mini candy bars.

Yeah.

Cause so it's like the kisses and then the Just the. Like, just straight up chocolate. That's not like, another chocolate candy. That's what I would say. Okay, what about for you?

Yeah, I never liked. Like, obviously anybody was, like, getting, like, apples or, like, popcorn or stuff like that or those.

You can't. You can't take an apple. Someone could have, like, drugged the apple. Right? Razor blades in the apple.

We were so scared in the 90s or. I didn't like those. Do you remember those, like, caramel apple pops?

Oh, those were fine, but, like, I wouldn't want to get, like, 20 of those. Like, what are you gonna do with 20 caramel apples? Apple pops?

I think my favorite candy was Snickers at the time.

Yeah, I like Snickers in Milky Way, but, yeah, and the p. And, like, peanut butter cups.

We were not allowed to have candy growing up, so that was, like, a rare time that we got, like, a few.

And that was. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Halloween Peanut butter cup. A Reese's peanut butter cup.

Hell, yeah.

Yeah. Okay. All right, let's go back to it. Okay, here is number candy guy. You know, I'm honestly, I'm glad that my parents didn't let me eat candy growing up, because I never really developed much of a taste for it. I don't like it. I don't. I don't eat any, like, candy now.

I do sometimes.

Yeah.

But I don't eat a lot of it, though. Yeah, we just did a podcast where you were given some special candy, special candies. It actually sounds bad. It's just candy.

It'll be. It'll be out by the time this episode comes out.

So you can. Can. You can say, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, we. We went out. We flew out to somewhere to do The Sean Ryan podcast. Vanessa was on Shawn Ryan's podcast, and he gives gummy bears to everybody. Cuz when he was deployed overseas as a Navy Seal, I believe he. You like to have something that reminds you of home. Um, and gummy bears was his thing.

And you are. You have a real. I love gummy bears spot for gummy bears as well.

Yeah, I have a weak spot for gummy bears for sure. And these are. They're like his own brand. They're like specially made. They're custom made for him. And they're real good. Strong flavor, nice and soft, good texture. Good job, buddy.

Okay, that was a weird tangent that we just went on, but let's get back to it. Number four, Gently pulling the skin of the penis down and holding tight while giving a hand job.

How tight is.

Is.

Is tight.

I mean, I tried to go tight, but it was like, okay.

I mean, so, okay, if we're doing Xander's sex conspiracies still, I would say that maybe, like, are we talking, like, is this someone that really wants their partner to just do the death grip on them?

Yeah, probably.

So this is. I'm not gonna say this is full trick. Like, I think that there is. There. This is a technique. Like, I like, I've like, you can do this like when you're masturbating or something. Like, instead of letting. Obviously, this really only works with lube or. No, no, I guess this does work. So, like, if you are not using lube, like, it's kind of hard to slide your hand up and down on your penis. Right. There's a. There's a lot of friction, so you could grab the skin and kind of like move the skin up and down. Hopefully. You're watching on YouTube.

Yeah, I'm watching.

You can move the skin up and.

Down technique, I believe.

I. I don't know this because I am circumcised, but I believe if you are uncircumcised, that is much more of a legit technique. If you are intact, like, you have, you know, you have much more foreskins, you're really able to actually, like, masturbate yourself fully with the foreskin. So I think that that is absolutely a technique. When you are not fully intact, you don't have all of that. There's not as much movement. So you can't really, like, you can't really get the. The head of the penis fully with that. So that's a. It's a perfectly okay technique if you are looking to maintain some amount of stimulation. But not overstimulate yourself. That being said, if Vanessa's giving me a hand job, I'm kind of wanting to get a hand job and come. And not, like. Not, like, just sit there for 20, 30 minutes getting my foreskin moved up and down. So, like, it's okay. I think that, yeah, maybe if you are trying to train yourself to last longer. Absolutely. Play around with this idea, this technique. But if you're trying to have an enjoyable hand job, it's, you know, you want to use lubrication, and you actually want that. The friction of feeling the skin on the hand moving all the way up and down, not, like, grabbing the skin and moving the skin. It's like, indirect stimulation.

Yeah. I think, like, as the giver of hand jobs, it's way more fun to be able to, like, play with the whole shaft versus, like, if you're grabbing the skin and, like, holding it down, you're essentially blocking off. Off, like, a large portion of the shaft that you then can't play with. So your other hand has to do.

Because my penis is so large.

Yeah. Well, I mean, I still have, like, you know, many feet to work with. No, but, like, yeah, if you're blocking.

Off, you're making me sound ginormous.

I mean, I literally just used the word feet, so. Yes, I'm joking. Yeah. If you're blocking off, like, a big portion of the penis and it just gives you less to work with, and you also have one hand that's totally stationary and not moving, I'm really doing the death grip in this demo here. You have one hand that's, like, stationary and not moving. So it just. It's way less to work with. I found it really unenjoyable to do. And our whole perspective about, you know, giving each other focused attention, like, using your hands on each other is. One of the secrets. Is enjoying it as the giver. Oh, no. As a giver, I was like, duh.

One of the secrets is to do it in a way that it's enjoyable.

No. As the giver, the more you are enjoying the experience, the more your partner is going to enjoy it. And so, for me, like, it just felt very trapping and limiting. And so I didn't enjoy it as much as I normally do. So I would. I would never do this again. So yet again, we had trick.

There's. There's some treatment.

We had a candy corn.

I would say we should have done.

It, like, with a candy corn.

It's a candy corn. I'm not into it. However, some people are so There might be some reasons why maybe you might want to play around with a technique similar to this. Possibly, but unlikely.

Okay, sure. Okay, here was number five. Send your partner outside. Start giving them a striptease through the window that only they can see.

Oh, I'm so glad they included that.

Aside and time how long it takes them to come back inside. This was one that it's like, sure, maybe it sounds kind of cute. The idea of like, oh, how long is it going to take them to come back inside? But he's coming back inside immediately. Like, no man is like, let me just stay out here. Like, he's coming back inside immediately as soon as you start taking your clothes off.

What if he's in the swimming pool already and he's feeling it?

I just. This one made no sense. I'm like, this poor person who thought of this, like, oh, it'll be so cute. Time of how long it takes. It's like, no, there. There is no time.

I like your idea.

Send him outside. You start unbuttoning your shirt and he's like, I'm coming back inside. Like, what? What man is gonna stay out there?

I love that. Your interpretation of this was that it's like a cute little tip. I'm assuming that maybe like, a woman wrote, like, for sure a woman wrote this. No, I don'. Think. I think that this is some like, sexed, not sexed, sex starved man who doesn't get a lot, doesn't have a lot of experience, who is operating under the false assumption that, like, sex is only something that men want and, like, women don't really want it and that it's like, it's like giving. Giving permission to do something totally out of character. Like where it's like the. The idea here is like, you know, I don't know. Vanessa and I, obviously, we have a lot of sex. We talk about sex. We have sex a lot.

We have a great sex life conspiracy. We actually don't have sex.

Well, there's. There's people out there that think that. There's people out there that think we aren't even married.

Oh, yeah, that's right. I forgot about that.

Speaking of conspiracy, this is. This is all an elaborate hoax to. To just, like, have a successful business.

Yeah, we're just friends.

We're just friends.

Barely. Like, who?

Yeah, who would. Our actual. Would we have spouses in that conspiracy?

Yeah, maybe.

Wow, that's kind of interesting. But no. I don't even remember what I was saying anymore.

You said it was a guy. You think it's a guy that wrote this, which I don't agree with.

No, like, I. Like. Okay. What I'm saying is that if you just started taking your clothes off, it'd be like, oh, awesome. I co. Inside. Vanessa wants to have sex with me. But I feel like this is supposed to appeal to someone that's like. Like, like, oh, I can't. Like, I can't even imagine that my girlfriend would ever want to have sex with me on her own without me asking for it. And so it'd be so exciting if all of a sudden, out of nowhere, she just starts taking her clothes off inside the house for only me to see. I don't know. It just strikes me as a. As a puer isle fantasy. Wow.

Dropping the SAT words today.

Yeah. Yes.

Okay. I do, though, have an idea about how you could actually make this fun.

All right. Lock the door. See how long it takes for them. See if they can. See if they can get creative. Okay. Lock the door. All the windows in the house except for one. See how long it takes for them to break inside.

That actually would be pretty fun.

I would go on further. I'd be like, start taking your clothes off and then, like, start masturbating in front of them and be like, come and get me, babe.

Okay. No, actually, locking door could be fun. That actually could be fun. Or you can turn it into a competition. And so you each do it, and whoever lasts the longest wins.

Oh, like, who's like, oh, I can stay out here? Yeah, but you can't go fuck the pool.

No. So it's like, yeah, you can start. You take your clothes off, you can get into whatever positions you want. Maybe you start playing with yourself, like, see who lasts longest. I do think, like, if it's a male, female, like, probably the woman's gonna be able to hold out longer, I would bet. But that would make.

Why would you want to be competitive about, like, about that, though? It's almost like just like making a bet. Let's be competitive about how much who's gonna win to. Of, like, not wanting the other one.

And it's not a. Like, it's more fun than the original tip. It's not, like, the best idea in the world, but, like, if you want to do something like that, I think it would be more fun to turn into a competition of, like, who can last longer before they want to. Before they come in.

Who can break into the house?

I think that locking the door is the funniest thing. That would be a real tease to your partner of like they can't get in and you just start like doing all this stuff in front of them. But yeah, don't just like, see how long it takes them to come back inside. It's so dumb.

All right, so it's a trick. Unless you do our modification, in which case it's a treat.

I wouldn't call it a treat. I'd call it a if you're really.

Bored and really want to mess with.

Your partner, it's a Hershey's Kit kiss.

It's a.

Okay, it's a Hershey's Kiss. It's fine.

But it's not the job done.

It's not a Snickers or a peanut butter cup.

No. Yeah, definitely not a peanut butter cup. We haven't gotten any peanut butter cups here yet.

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This one. This is the real Halloween themed one that we had. Wrap your partner up in toilet paper. Like a mummy. The wrapped partner has to lay still and let their unwrapped partner have fun.

Okay, so we had to. We had to read between the lines here a little bit because if you actually follow these instructions. Well, I guess it depends who is getting wrapped up. Is it the person with the penis or the person with the vagina?

Sounds very heteronormative, but it could be. It could be whoever.

Well, it depends who gets wrapped up. Okay. If the person getting wrapped up has a penis, then it's a little easier because you just have to skip wrapping the penis, I guess. But if it's the.

I don't know, wrap that up.

If the person has a vulva and vagina that you're wrapping up, you can't really wrap them all the way down to the legs because you need access.

I mean, sort. We did. Okay, so we did the. I got wrapped up. First of all, toilet paper is not very like, it's not very strong. It was breaking any sort of movement. It also, like, it's not like it, it just falls down very easily too. It's. There's no like clingy tape like element to it.

Yeah, it's not like. Yeah, it's not like plastic wrap.

Yeah. So like wrapping me up. And also it's toilet Paper. Like, there's no sexy connotations with toilet paper.

What does toilet paper remind you of? People. I know what it reminds me of. Going to the bathroom and being in the. Like, we, you know, you even jump, like, if someone walks out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to their foot. It's like, oh, you. You know, toilet paper belongs in the bathroom. Right. Like, why do we need. Why do we need to wrap someone in toilet paper in order to have sex with them?

Okay, so the actual, like, wrapping, wrapping me up was not enjoyable also, like, yeah, trying to, like, move into the bed without letting it fall all over the place or rip apart, like, it just really didn't happen.

Not to mention extremely wasteful.

Yeah, it's wasteful. And also. Yeah, I mean, we just couldn't get like that technical with the rapping that we're like covering everything up, up.

So you absolutely could use plastic wrap if you, like, really want to.

We've done that one before and that's horrible. We got so hot. Remember, we like started sweating immediately.

Oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely. No, I.

We had to plastic wrap ourselves to each. To each other. That was horrible.

I plastic wrapped myself one time in college. There was a. There was a party called the bathroom party where you were meant to wear skimpy things, basically. And my friend and I were DJing that party and so we wrapped each other.

I thought the bedroom party.

Good question. Good question. I don't know. It was, it was the bathroom party, though. And. Yeah, so we just wore boxers and then wrapped ourselves in plastic wrap, you know, kind of from like the thighs up to the chest or so. Because. Yeah, once you get a couple wraps in like everything, you can't see through it anymore. You're just kind of generally skin colored.

Yeah.

But yeah, it's great. It does keep you kind of warm.

Yeah, no, you get sweaty. It's gross. Yeah, I don't like it. Okay, so then the second part of it is. Yeah, just like allowing your partner to do whatever they want to you, which can be very sexy if you are into that. Like, some people are really into that. Yeah. Like, so for some people, that can be sexy and enjoyable. I definitely, definitely don't think you have to pair it with the toilet paper if you want to play around with that though.

Yeah. So like, if you just do that.

Separately, if you're into that, if you.

Want to play around with sort of power dynamics or like one person getting tied up or one person getting handcuffed to the bed or something where it's where the idea is one of us is generally immobile and the other partner is having their way with them. Then absolutely play with that. But like, don't do it with toilet paper. Do it with rubber. Do it with handcuffs. Do it with restraints. Like, there are some very much more simple ways to do this that are not wasteful, won't get you all sweaty, and won't remind you of the bathroom.

Yeah. So.

So win, win, win, everyone.

This one was a trick.

Yeah, definitely. Definitely a trick.

So many tricks. Okay, then we had turn your bedroom lights blue. It makes your orgasm more intense.

Yeah. Where's the science behind that?

They're in so aggressively mocking the poor person who came up with this.

Give me your citations.

Okay. Yeah, no, there's no research that like certain lights make your orgasm more intense. But there is a little bit of a treat to this one. We have experimented with different colored light bulbs before and I think it's really fun to play with it. In particular, I recommend not blue light, but red light. Yeah, red light looks super sexy on the skin. It's very flattering. It's. It's like a, it's enough light to see what's happening, but it's still a very low light.

Yeah, it doesn't stimulate your, like, your brain as much. Like red light is actually really great for winding down at night. Like if you want to, if you want to be able to see things but still give your brain the kind of perception that things are darker. Red light is ideal. And I mean, that's why like you see out in nature or whatever. Like you know something, if you're camping and you, or you're in like a wildlife preserve or something, people will have like a red filter on flashlight so that humans can see. But it doesn't bother animals.

You have the most like random comparisons today.

I don't know. I mean, yeah, the red, red light is a thing. Yeah, it's a thing. I recommend it. It's great. Great.

Yeah. So blue light, Red light can be very sexy. Blue light to me, I was like, eh, whatever. I didn't love it. I think I like. Yeah, the red was just way better. So this is a trick if you're thinking it's gonna make somehow magically make your orgasm feel different. It definitely won't. But it is a treat in the sense of it's a fun, novel new thing to try. The red light can be genuinely sexy. So I would go, yeah.

If you have color changing LED bulbs, like, absolutely. Play around with different color lights, they will absolutely impact the Vibe. They are not going to all of a sudden make your orgasm twice as good, though.

Okay. Or also, if you don't have the ability to get those color changing light bulbs, a little Himalayan salt lamp.

Oh, yeah.

It's not exactly red, but it gives like a nice orangey kind of glow.

It's almost like a candlelight kind of vibe.

Yeah. Or just candles too. That can work. Okay, this next one, I have to admit, we couldn't do it.

Yeah, we did not do this one, but we'll still talk about it.

Okay. The tip was the next time you have an argument, just start getting naked. So we didn't do it because we didn't have an argument in the time period that we got this versus when we're recording it.

Also, I don't think this is a good idea.

And I genuinely like, to be honest, I don't think I could do it. So I think the idea here is trying to kind of like pattern disrupt rather than getting into your usual patterns and arguments, like trying to do something very different to kind of snap you guys out of it and make the conversation go in a different way. Sometimes I have heard people say things like, you know, when you're arguing, try holding hands. Hands. In some instances, I think something like that can work because it reminds you that the two of you are on the same team. And that's the perspective that we really try to take about conflict. That it is you and your partner. Like, it's Xander and I against our problem. It's not Xander against me. Me against Xander. And I think that's.

What about our naked bodies against the problem, though? No, because that's. That just takes it up a notch.

So I think taking that perspective can be really useful. And if something like. Yeah, like holding hands, sitting next to each other, if that gives a reminder of, hey, we're on the same team. I know this is tough and neither one of us want to be having this conversation, but we're on the same team. That can be nice. But even that, there are some times where I just don't want to have physical contact. I need my space. You know, I'm struggling with something like I don't want to be touched. So it's something I wouldn't tell people to force themselves to do it. If there are certain times that it feels good for sure, try it out, but don't force yourself to do it. But this getting naked thing just like takes it to a whole other level. It's not like reminding yourselves that you're on the same Team. I think it's, like, just trying to do something really wacky and weird that, like, will distract you.

Yeah.

So I could see maybe if you're having, like. Like, if you're having one of those, like, small, silly fights, like, I told you to take the trash out. Well, I forgot. No, I didn't hear you take it. You know, something like that. If it's, like, very inconsequential and small, like one of those little things that, like, we just. You know, as couples, we just get snippy with each other sometimes about small stuff. If it's something like that, maybe in some rare occurrences, it could be, like, a nice way to break the tension and, like, break you, the two of you, out of it. Because, let's be real. Like, sometimes in conflict, a lot of us have the tendency to go in circles, and it's like, a lot of us struggle to stop the fight. Like, okay, that's enough. We've covered it. Time to move on. So maybe sometimes this could be a nice way to break the tension and get out of it. But I think for 98% of fights, this is not gonna work. Certainly not if you're arguing about something serious or meaningful.

It's.

This is not gonna work.

Yeah. Now, I do think there are a lot of couples that get into a lot of kind of silly recurring fights or almost, like, pick little fights with each other where it's, like. Where it. They're not serious, like, oh, we're really disagreeing, or we're, like, on the verge of breaking up. Also, I think this is more common. Like, when you are younger and in less mature, less serious relationships, there can be a lot of just, like, bickering.

Yeah.

And so I think that this is, you know, I've definitely, you know, have been in relationships in the past where there's bickering that happens. And I could see this kind of being, like, this cute, like, oh, yeah. Like, you know, oh, instead of bickering, let's blah, blah, blah. But it's like, in. Where we are in life, in our relationship, when Vanessa and I get into. If we're. I don't even like to call them fights. If we are having a disagreement, it's a serious. It's like, a serious thing. We're having a serious conversation. We are not typically. It's very rare that we are bickering over something where, like, a day later, both of us would be like, yeah, that was just stupid. And there was, like, nothing substantive that we were talking about. So, like, we're Talking about something substantive if we are in a disagreement. And my concern, whether it's us or advocating that anybody else do this, is that. That the signal that this could send is, like, if one person starts taking their clothes off in the middle of an argument, that it sends a signal to the other partner that, like, oh, is this so unimportant to you?

Yeah.

That. That you want to have sex right now or that you're, like, trying to distract me? Like, yeah. You know, hey, the person taking their clothes off, they might feel like, oh, this is dumb. I'm over this. I'm gonna take my clothes off. But then the other partner's like, I could see that actually making it so much worse because the other partner goes, hey, you're not taking this seriously. I'm actually talking about something really serious here that is important to me.

Yeah.

So, yeah, not a good idea.

Yeah. Okay, let's go to our next one. Sexting while in the same room. This one.

Hell, yeah.

Is actually a treat.

Why not?

We've got a rare treat.

I feel like this. This. This would be one that would be good to combine with that other one of, like, see how long it takes, Like, I think this could be cute. You know, sex each other back and forth in the same room. See how long it takes for one person to kind of, like, break and, like, you know, like, hey, I want you, you know, actually physically say something.

Yeah.

Or do something rather than just go back and forth, you know? I think that would be hot.

Yeah. I think this one is fun. We have done it before in the past, too. Usually we've done it more, like, when we're in different rooms in the house. But it can be also fun if you're, like, you know, you literally can see each other and you're kind of making eyes at each other and just, like, typing it into the phone.

Yeah.

I think it works really well for people who feel a little bit shy. Like, with dirty talk, they're struggling to, like, you know, fully say the words out loud. This can be a great way to build your confidence. It's like, text it instead of saying it out loud. But I just think that there's something very fun about, you know. You know, that you could just go grab your partner. You can literally see your partner, but you're still, like, doing something sneaky on the side with them. Like, I think it feels. It feels fun.

A fun little secret for the two of you.

Yeah. Can also be very sexy if there are other people around.

Yes. Yes. And it's a Situation where you. Neither of you can really do anything about it.

That can be a huge tease and a lot of fun. So this one gets a treat.

Peanut butter cup.

Peanut butter cup. And a Snickers full size.

Oh, yeah, I know. There were always those houses where it's like, oh, they give out full size candy.

Okay. And our final one. Face to face cuddling after sex for at least five minutes.

I love this.

I do, too.

It's really nice.

And we don't do.

I would do face to face cuddling for five minutes with you whether or not we've had sex.

Yeah.

So it's really nice. I feel really close.

We're ending with this connected, sweet little treat.

Sweet treat.

Yeah. I can't imagine this coming from, like, a Cosmo magazine or anything like that.

This one's a little too real.

Yeah. It doesn't, like, sound the sexiest.

It's actually vulnerable. And they're like, oh, yeah, we don't.

We don't want to do that.

We don't do true vulnerability. Something that might actually make you closer and have better sex. No, no. Put a donut on his dick.

That is. That is one from a previous Smasher Pass. You got to go back to the archives to find that. Yeah.

If you find out if that's actually a secret treat, because it might be.

Yeah.

I mean, if you get a good donut, someone's getting a treat.

Sweet treat. But. Yeah, no, this one is very, very sweet. It's very intimate and connecting, and I think it's really an opportunity that so many couples miss. Like, let's be real. Most of us, we finish having sex and we jump up to go clean up or we grab our phones, and we're really missing this opportunity to linger in the intimacy that we've just created. It's like we've just had this experience with each other. We're feeling so connected. And I think a lot of men in particular tend to feel the most connected and intimate and vulnerable right after sex. So it's like we've just created this amazing space, and then we run out of it. And you and I are very guilty of that. We for sure do that too. But I think it really can be so beneficial and meaningful to take. Take just a couple minutes to linger in that energy with each other.

Yeah, especially. Yeah, especially because we. So many couples complain about feeling disconnected emotionally. And this is the easiest, quickest way to increase just general emotional connection is taking a couple of minutes right after sex when you have all these feel good hormones. Coursing through your body. And. And especially for men who may be socially conditioned to have their guard up around vulnerability and around their emotions, this is the time that the vast majority of men say they actually feel comfortable being a little more emotional, letting their partner in about what's going on, saying how they really feel about them giving compliments, all that stuff. Like, that is the moment, like, you literally have, like, true serum coursing through your veins, so to speak. So use. Yeah, use that time. That's not the same. Say that's the only way a man can be emotional or vulnerable to be really clear. But I think especially to a lot of men out there who are like, oh, I struggle with this stuff. I hear my partner saying that that's something they want. This is the starting place. Yeah, this is the starting place. Be like, hey, no, I. I want to. I want to be here with you for a couple of minutes and just say what comes to mind. Say how you feel. Say how you feel about her. Say how you feel when you have just had sex with her. How much you appreciate that. What it's like for you to feel close.

Yeah. Love it.

All right. Wow. What a nice ending right there.

I know. We went from all these horrible tricks to a really.

A lot of treats.

I don't know about a lot of treats. We had a couple.

Five minutes worth of treats.

All right, well, that is all for today's episode of Pillow Talk. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week. We release new episodes every Thursday day.