E234: Tie Breakers: Passwords, Period Sex, and Passenger Princesses (We’re Settling It Once and for All)

Should you share phone passwords with your partner? Yes or no, Xander.

All right. Should he be able to tell me what I can wear when we go out? He does this all the time. Kissing after he goes down on me. It's a no for me, but a yes for him. Oh.

How big of a deal is it to be five to 10 minutes late? It bothers my husband to no end. I don't think it's a huge deal.

Should we clean the kitchen at night or in the morning? Well, this is a real just straight up hot take.

Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Today we are back with one of our favorite games that we have actually only ever played once on the podcast.

Yeah. Pin the tail on the donkey.

Yes. That would be the worst podcast episode.

I don't know. That's. That. That's the. That was the first thought that came to my mind. I'm also really proud that I got to say that because we. This is actually our second take at the start, like the first 30 seconds of this podcast, because something went off the rails and you.

You went off the rails.

I went off the rails, and we had to start over, which happens sometimes. However, I had that the first time. The take that no one is going to get to hear because it's already deleted. Vanessa said that, and I was like. I was like saping the tail on the donkey. It was like an intrusive thought, but then it didn't quite work. You went in too fast, and the next thing you were going to say, So I was like, oh, this time I'm going to get it in you.

That's what he said. But you really thought that was that funny of a joke that then you've held onto it to do it for the second one and now you're so proud of yourself.

It was an intrusive thought, but I'm glad that you laughed.

Okay.

You know, I think like, laughing wife, happy wife life. Laughing wife, happy life.

Okay, sure. Somebody needs to make a. We need to make a compilation of all of our just absolute stupidest intros for our episodes. We. We don't.

Like 90. 90% of our intros would be on there.

Just us, like, repeatedly saying, well, that was weird.

Is there a podcast intro coach out there that listens to our podcast? Come coach us on how to have a better intro.

We need to do a better job. Okay, so you're gonna come away from.

This episode with a lot of laughter. No, because that's. That's like the advice. That's like. That's like the typical, like, podcast intro advice is like, you gotta, like, tell the listener, like, exactly what they're gonna get out of the episode. Well, you're gonna get out of this episode. You don't even know the game that we're gonna play because I said pin the tail on the donkey, and Vanessa hasn't even said what it is yet. But I'm just telling you, if you listen to this episode, you're gonna laugh and you're gonna have some things that you could talk to your partner about. What's the game that we're gonna play, Vanessa?

Okay, there you go.

Speaking of going off the rails, you've already gone way further off the rails in the first take.

This is worse.

Let's go.

Okay, so the game is, if you're still here, the game is tiebreakers. So here's how it works. We ask you to tell us about a situation in your relationship that you and your partner just cannot agree on, and we will break the tie for you. So oftentimes they're like, funny, silly things that everybody has a hot take on, but sometimes they can be, like, slightly more serious. I think our first one or two that we're starting with are kind of on the more serious end. So, you know, overall, this is a very light hearted game. We think it's a lot of fun to play it, but we also think it can be a great conversation opener between couples. So this is an excellent episode to listen to in a. On a road trip or maybe while you guys are cleaning the kitchen together. Like, listen to us say the issue that we're talking about. Tiebreake. Yeah. Then press pause and the two of you give your hot takes. See if you agree. Disagree. Can you break the tie? Can you not? And then come back and listen to what we have to say? So again, some of them are gonna be silly, but there definitely are some that can open up some really important conversations between you and your partner. So it's a good game all around. Are you ready to get started?

I am ready.

Oh, and the other thing Is we have not talked about these at all. Xander doesn't know what we're talking about.

So we're kind of not ready.

I just gathered them. Yeah, we're not really ready. No, but that's the whole point is I want to see. Yeah. Do we agree on these? Can we actually break these ties? Okay, so we are coming in hot. Our very first one is, should you share phone passwords with your partner? Yes or no, Xander?

All right, this is tough because I can see this both ways. Personally, I think that you should share your password with your partner. I think probably, like, within reason. Like, once you get into a serious enough, long term, enough relationship, Like, I'm not saying you. Someone becomes your boyfriend or girlfriend, and the next day you're like, all right, we're doing passwords. But, like, we're married. We've been married. We're. Tomorrow. Oh, my God. Tomorrow is our 14 year wedding anniversary. Wild. Coming up on 18 years together in total in December on, like, at this point in my life, like, I. I ain't got shit to hide from you, nor do I want to have anything to hide from you. So part of it, it's like, it, it's almost like like an emergency mechanism of like, of like, yeah, like, I want you to have access to that personally. I want you to have access to, like, to like me on Find My, like, my location on Find My Friends. Because it's like, I'm much more worried about, like, I want you to have access to all the stuff that you need access to in a really bad, dangerous situation. And that way outweighs, like, any part of me that might be like, oh, I want to have some little. I want to have a little something to myself, like a little secret or something. I mean, I think, because I think that this is where people get caught up in their mind of like, oh, well, I should be able to, like, have my own stuff.

Okay. I think people really misunderstand the point of sharing passwords and what they. They think sharing passwords is the same as you can go through my phone and look at anything you want at any time you want. I mean, you could, though.

I would let you.

Those are two very different things, though. Those are not the same issue. I think that people absolutely should share passwords with each other just for, like, for security reasons also for like, sometimes, you know, like, my phone, I don't know where my phone is, and I'm like, oh, I need your phone. Let me look up something real quick, you know, so it's just like an access thing. The issue of should I be able to go through your things at any point for any reason, whenever I want? That's totally separate to me, and I do not think the answer is yes, there.

No.

Like, we're each entitled to have our privacy in our relationship. Like, just because I know your phone password doesn't give me the right to go through your phone whenever I want to.

Yeah. I think where people get hung up is that people are like, yeah, I understand the idea of, like, well, yeah, I don't have anything to hide from you, or I shouldn't, or I don't want to have anything to hide from you. But then they, like, go to this extreme and it's like, oh, yeah, well, but like. But it's like, you could make the same argument for like, having a. Like a police state where it's like, I don't. I'm not planning to commit any crimes. I haven't committed any crimes. I'm doing everything by, you know, I. I follow the law. So, like, if that's the case, like, if that's the case, why should I be concerned if, like, my every move is being tracked by the government or something?

That's. God, serious like that.

And then, so then a lot of people, oh, no. Like, game, like, no, like, you got to draw the line. Like, I need to be able to have, like, you know, my. My personal whatever. But I think the difference is that it's like, that your partner is different from, like, say, a friend. Because similarly, you could be like, oh, well, I don't have anything to hide from my best friend, so they should have all my passwords and, like, my bank account info or something. And it's like, no. Like, that's not, like, they're not part of your family. They're not, like, in your personal business. They don't need that. But, like, I would say there is way more utility in your partner having access to your things in case something bad happens to you and they need access to it. That far outweighs any kind of, like, I don't know, kind of like conceptual. Yeah, conceptual idea that you have of, like, needing your. Your privacy in a relationship.

I mean, I think, like, so I know your privacy. I know your password. You know my password. But, like, if you were to grab my phone and just start, like, going through all of my emails and my search history or whatever, like, I would consider that an act of what?

An act of war.

What's the word? Like, a violation of my privacy. I don't know where. Act of came from an act of aggression. It's a violation of my privacy.

We're moving to defcon, too. Yeah.

So, like, just having access to that doesn't give you the permission to access all of my stuff.

Yeah, I mean, like, I would if you want. Like, honestly, if you were like, hey, I need to. I want to look at your phone. I'm going to look through your shit right now. I would be like, sure, go ahead. I would want to understand afterwards why is it that you wanted to do that and have a serious talk about that, and then if that was something that you continue to want to keep doing, then I would probably be like, okay, this is something that we need to maybe talk about in therapy or understand.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we're going down a weird path with this one now, but. Yeah. No, I don't. I think they're two separate issues. And should your partner have your password? Yes. Okay, let's move on to the next one.

All right. Should he be able to tell me what I can wear when we go out? He does this all the time.

Absolutely not.

No.

Well, yeah, absolutely not.

I want to know, like, what do you mean when he says, like, he does this all the time? Like, is this, like, in a jokey way, or is this. He's like, no, you're not leaving the house in that outfit.

I think it's that.

Yeah, that's not cool.

That's not cool.

What's up with that, bro?

That's not cool at all. No, that's controlling. That's creepy. That could be borderline abusive in some situations. That is not okay. Your partner can have feelings and opinions about the clothes that you wear. Like, just like, you might have, you know, certain items that you like, certain items that you don't like as much. Like, you're allowed to have preferences, but you cannot tell your partner, like, you can't wear that. Yeah. This often gets used in controlling and abusive situations where it's like, oh, that's too revealing. That's too short. It's too tight. I mean, I was recently seeing something about husbands who didn't want to let their wives go out in athletic gear because it's tight and revealing and, like.

Oh, you should wear no yoga pants.

Yeah.

Uh, oh, yeah.

I mean, as somebody who wears, like, booty shorts and a sports bra to the gym, that's obviously not gonna work. But, no, it's not okay for your partner to tell you what you are and are not allowed to wear. And I think even saying, even using your clothing as A way to make you feel guilty and saying, like, that's too revealing. Like, I don't think that's cool either.

All right, what about this situation? It's our anniversary. We're not going out to dinner on our anniversary because we share our anniversary with Vanessa's dad, whose birthday it is. And so we're celebrating his birthday tomorrow night. But we are going on a hot date later. I just realized we scheduled the date. 49ers are playing at the same time as our date.

What?

Yeah, Sunday night.

No, we said Friday night.

Oh, no, they weren't available on Friday night.

Oh, I. We had a miscommunication. Well, we're gonna have to reschedule that.

Oh. Oh. But no. Anyway, we're going on a hot date to a restaurant with a dress code. So if you want to wear athletic gear, I am going to tell you, you can't go out like that because we ain't getting into the restaurant.

Okay? That's the one and only time that you can.

Fair. So maybe this.

I'm not trying to wear athletic gear.

Maybe this couple is always like, every night they're going to super fancy dress code restaurants, and this guy's just like, no, you got to follow the dress code. No, no, I'm giving this guy too much slack. That's super not cool. Not cool at all.

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I love the Brain Edge. It gives me something different to drink other than just green tea, which is usually what I drink. I love that it is caffeine. Caffeine source from Yerba Mate. It tastes really good and yeah, it definitely just helps me feel more clear headed and alert during long days like when we are recording our podcasts. So I definitely think you should give it a try.

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I think that this, the degree to which this is a big deal depends on probably whoever has the lowest tolerance for it. I'm just gonna. I'm gonna say I. I am a little. I have a bit more tolerance for lateness than Vanessa does most of the time. Um, but I do recognize that I am not likely to convince her because also, I don't, like, I don't have a. I don't have a specific. Like, I don't. I'm not like, okay, well, plus or minus five is totally fine, but once it gets past that, it's mine is more of a feeling of like, oh, what is that? You know, is this an event that actually starts at this time versus, you know, it was this like a party or something where like maybe being a little later is expected or.

No, no, I've already.

Or it's gonna be assumed.

Let's talk about like actual appointments. Yeah, parties are a different thing. Like where, yeah, it is kind of expected. It's actually sometimes even more polite to be a little bit late. So you give the host some extra time to get ready?

Yeah, you know, I'd like to just give the doctor a little extra time to get ready for me. But no, I do think that this is one of those things in a relationship where it's like, if this bothers one of us. It bothers both of us. Now, I think, yeah, it could approach the realm of unreasonable, like, unreasonableness if one partner's like, I need to be there half an hour beforehand or something like that. But if it's. If it's just a matter of, like, oh, I'm always five to ten minutes late because I don't really care. My partner's like, no, I really care about this, then I think that you need to accept, hey, this is important to my partner. So when we're going somewhere together, I need to change my approach to make a legitimate effort to be there on time.

I agree. Time, yeah, time is probably the most frequent thing that we argue about because, like Xander said, he has a little more space for being late than I do. I really like being on time. And I will say with this thing, you know, normally we're so big on saying, hey, everybody has different experiences. All experiences are valid. But when it comes to time, my perspective is that it's a sign of respect for other people in the situation. Like, we're not talking about, oh, I'm on time. For me doing this thing alone, you know, like, I don't care about that. But if I'm going. Being on time to go to a doctor's appointment, to meet some friends out for dinner, to, you know, whatever it is, like, when there are other people involved, I think being on time is a sign of respect. Like, we agreed to meet at this time. I value your time as much as I value my time. Like, my time is not more valuable than yours. So, like, I'm going to show up at the time that we agreed on. And so, yeah, and I think that that's generally a cultural. Like a shared cultural value that in this culture, like, we see timeliness, you know, as something that's. That's somewhat important. I'm not saying everybody lives up to it. I'm not saying everybody lives up to it, but I do think we have a cultural value that, like, yeah, showing up on time is a sign of respect.

So I don't know. I feel like we've been other places in the world where that is much more of a cultural value than in the United States.

Yeah, that's true. But I do think it is. I think it's like we're. I do think that we see timeliness as a virtue here. Yeah, we see it as a sign of respect. Maybe we're not as strict as other cultures, but it's not, like, totally lackadaisical here.

So anyways, in la, it is when you have LA traffic to blame everything on, no one is on time. And it's always, oh, traffic. Traffic was so bad. Traffic's always bad. Yeah.

So, no, I mean, I think that I like what you said, that you default to the person who feels more, like, conservatively about this, and again, because other people are involved. So I think if it's something. If you guys have two different relationships with time and your husband wants to be five. Or wait, no, it's the person themselves. If you yourself want to be 5 to 10 minutes late to your own things, that's your prerogative. But if it's the two of you doing something together, I think you default to your husband's perspective and you try to be on time.

Unless you guys want to take separate cars. You can be like, hey, we'll just do our own.

We have. We have sometimes done that. I've told Xander, like, we need to be out the door at this time. If you're not there, I'm just taking my car and going. And I have, like, once or twice done it.

Yeah.

So.

But. Oh, another way to think about it. I do get the. There's other people involved. I think the tricky thing when it's like, oh, we're doing this to respect other people is that the other person's argument might be, oh, well, they're always late, too, so it doesn't really matter. Another comparison that I would make is, like, this isn't the case in our relationship, but this is definitely true, you know, for other people. And I would take this into account if I was, say, traveling with someone that felt this way. Different people have different levels of, like, airport anxiety or, like, how early they need to get to the airport, coming.

Up with all these niche cases for each.

I don't think this is niche. I mean, people have very strong perspectives of, like, I want to. I want to literally walk up to my gate as the plane is boarding versus I want to be there two hours in advance because I want there to be a zero percent chance that I miss this flight or. Or whatever. And, you know, like, if I was traveling with someone that is like, hey, you know what? I. I generally have a lot of anxiety about getting to the airport on time. I'm going to be like, yeah, I. I would prefer to arrive, like, with very little time, but I don't want to, like, set you off and, like, have to hang. You know, if that was you, Vanessa, I wouldn't want to be, like. Have to be with, like, you know, my wife who's like, miserable and anxious all day because she's worried about the flight and she's all, you know, spun out because of whatever. Like, that's not a good experience. So it's like, I wouldn't want to do that to you. And then I would also wouldn't want to have to deal with the consequences of just, like, having to, like, be with you like that. So I'd be like, okay, yeah, well, we will get to the airport two hours in advance for you. So I think that's maybe another way to think about it is it's like, yeah, like, do you want to. Do you want to have to get in a fight about this all the time? Do you want to be with your partner if they're all, like, upset about or stressed unnecessarily because you're causing them to be five minutes late?

Okay, so we're siding with your husband on this one. It is a big deal to be five to 10 minutes late when you guys are going somewhere together.

Yeah. Or maybe not a big deal, but it's. It's.

It's something to avoid.

Something to. Hey, you're. You're. Your husband wants to be there on time. Like, let's be there on time. Okay. Driving. He says it should be 50 50. But I like being a passenger princess.

I'm a side with him on this one. Like, if he. Yeah. You know, in our relationship, you mostly do the driving, and you're mostly cool with that.

Like, you're a passenger princess friendly in this household.

I actually don't even like being the passenger princess. I often prefer to drive, but usually I use that time to, like, I'll work or I'll, you know, post to our Instagra stories or something like that.

I will often get a little car sick. Not because of Vanessa.

I'm a great driver.

I don't know. For whatever reason, you're just sensitive. Yeah. For whatever reason, when I'm driving, other people don't get car sick, but it's not what.

That's really weird.

I don't know. Maybe. Yeah. I don't know. It's probably because I've been trying to. When you're driving, I'm, like, using my phone. If I'm, like, you know, going surfing with my friend. I'm not, like, scrolling on Instagram, so maybe I shouldn't be doing that.

Maybe not. Okay. But yeah, if you're. If your partner says he doesn't want to, you know, always be the one driving and he wants some equality there, then I think he is allowed to get some equality there. Yeah, I'd side with him.

Absolutely. Unless you live in a city with the, with the, the likes the self driving Waymo cars. And then you can both passenger princess, sell your car and just do the driverless Waymo taxis.

All right, thanks, Amy.

Problem solved. I'm all about creative solutions today.

Okay, if someone tells your partner they're pregnant but not to tell you, is it okay for your partner to wait to tell you or should they just go ahead and tell you and then you just act surprised when you find out?

This is such a tricky one because this also, I mean, you could swap telling you about the fact that they're pregnant with so many other things here and it doesn't really change the, doesn't really change the question. This is one of those really tricky things. What do you say? What do you say?

Why? Okay. In general, I think that, I don't think it's. Oh, God, this is a hard one.

Are you, are you, are you wondering, like, why do they want to tell. Why do they want to tell you.

But not your partner?

Not your partner?

Yeah, with being pregnant, like, that's kind of weird.

I mean, it's early, it's early on and they don't want to publicly announce it yet, which is for, for medical reasons of Very, very legitimate and understandable and probably an appropriate, a smart thing to do. So. But I could understand if it's like, hey, I haven't had. I, you know, I'm like living with a secret. I don't really have anyone to talk. You're the one person I want to tell about this. I'm really excited, but I'm like, you know, I can't tell other people for a while.

This. So this is a really great overall topic for couples to talk about because people have really strong feelings on this one way or the other. Some people are like, no, like, between me and my partner, there should be no secrets. Like, you can't ask me, you can't tell me something and ask me not to tell my partner. I'm always gonna tell my partner. And other people feel very strongly of, like, hey, yes, we're in a relationship, but we're two separate individuals. We have separate friendships and relationships with other people. And like, you know, we're allowed to continue having those separate friendships. And obviously, as long as it's not something that's like, you know, the secret would harm your partner or something like that, like, it's a, you know, I don't think there's a right or Wrong here. Every couple gets to decide for themselves, so. But it is a really important thing to discuss. Like. Yeah. Which side of that equation do we fall on in general? You and I tend to fall more in the camp of, like, we tell each other everything. And, you know, there have even been times where somebody has said, like, don't tell your partner. And I'm like, well, that's a little bit weird. And, like, I'll tell you anyways, but tell you, you know, not to let the person. Yeah. I mean, it's very rare. I actually can't even think of, like, a specific example, but I feel like I probably would and maybe have, like, once or twice in 14 years, 18 years, something like that. Okay. But then going to this specific example. So, like, I can think of other examples where you might not want the partner to know and where it makes sense of, like, yeah, you and I have this separate friendship. Let's keep this between ourselves. I don't want other people knowing. I don't want your partner knowing for some specific reason. Like, I can see that when it comes to the specific example of being pregnant, I'm like, I can't. I don't. I can't think of a good reason why you wouldn't want someone's spouse to know. The only thing that comes to mind is maybe. Is it like. Is that couple themselves, maybe they've been struggling to get pregnant, struggling with infertility, and the pregnant person is like, tell.

That anyone in that couple.

Yeah. So I'm having a hard time thinking of a scenario where it would make sense that you would just want one partner to know, but not the other partner.

Yeah. I can think of better scenarios where you reasonably might be like, hey, I need to tell you about something, but please don't tell your partner. I think a lot of time, you know, that could be, like, say, one couple are maybe having marital issues, and the other couple is friends with both. Both members. And so, you know, like. Like, the woman in one couple tells the woman in the other couple, and, hey, we're going through this thing or whatever.

Or, like, my partner.

My partner did something that didn't feel good, blah, blah, blah. Please don't tell your. Your husband, because I know that they're friends. I don't want, you know, like, we're in the middle. Like, we're in the midst of dealing with this, and I don't want him to look at his friend differently, you know, until we sort this out or something like that. So I can. I can understand that. But, yeah, I guess I'm curious where this question is coming from. Is this literally. Is this couple disagree. Do they have different perspectives on, like, hey, if my friend tells me something, I want to be like, I want to tell you. And the other partner's like, no, they told you you shouldn't say anything. You shouldn't say anything. Like, are they disagreeing about that? Or is this something. Or. Or is this maybe a situation where, like, one partner, you know, like, say. Like, say, Vanessa told me something that she wasn't supposed to tell me, and now I'm upset with her. Like, hey, you. Like, you lied to your friend.

Yeah, it's a. It's a really tricky one.

I think, like you said, it's a good thing to be on the same page about in a relationship. Like, hey, in general, are we. Are we doing this? But I think that. But yeah, it's like, if you're. What you shouldn't do is be like, oh, my God, I was just hanging out with Bob, and he told me a crazy secret. I'm not allowed to tell you, though.

Oh, yeah. Obviously, don't ever do that.

Like, I think that ultimately, though, you kind of have to. You have to decide for yourself. Is this something that I really am going to. You know, my friend told me not to say. Am I not going to say anything? If. If you're not going to say anything? Like, you cannot say anything that makes your partner think that you have something so that they're going to be like, hey, you need to tell me.

Okay, I think we have to break this tie. We're thinking about so many different scenarios and other possibilities, but let's just work with literally all that we have in front of us. Someone tells your partner they're pregnant but not to tell you, is it okay for your partner to wait or should they go ahead and tell you? I'm gonna say they should tell you, and you just act surprised.

Yeah. You know, I think I'm gonna agree with you, and I have a. Okay. The reason why. Bear with me for a second. The reason I came to this realization personally when. So one of Vanessa's. One of Vanessa's great loves in life is surprises, and she.

Oh, I thought you were talking about, like, an actual person.

No. Yeah, we're really coming clean here.

One of the great loves of my life.

Yeah. You know, Vanessa might have my phone password, but she hasn't found. She hasn't found my text messages with this love of my life.

No, Vanessa, it's the love of my life.

Oh, God. I Haven't found her text messages on, but no. Vanessa loves surprises, and she had expressed multiple times how she would love to be. Have. Be taken on a surprise trip where, like, she knows that we're going on a trip somewhere, but she doesn't know where. And she doesn't know where until literally we get on the plane. And I attempted. I think I attempted three times to do this. Maybe four times. We successfully did it once. The two or three times where it got messed up. It happened because I told a couple people where we were going because, you know, I was, like, planning. I think it was maybe like. Yeah, it was like. Like one time, like, I told, like, your friend about it or something who's also my friend, who was like, you know, very excited. Oh, that's so cool. You're doing a surprise thing for Vanessa. Like, you know, can you tell me where you're going? And I was like, oh, yeah, like, we're going to go, blah, blah, blah. Like, please don't say anything to her. It's a surprise. And so, yeah, you know, I'm actually realizing it happened three times. The exact same thing happened. I told someone, you know, I was like, very clear. This is a surprise. You cannot tell Vanessa. The problem is, you tell someone about this, you know, some number of months go by before this actual trip. They're all excited about the fact that you're going to this place. And then, like, right before we left, they, like, offhandedly mentioned, you know, oh, have fun in blah, blah, blah.

Yeah.

And it was a tough realization for me to understand that, like, if I really needed it to be a secret for some good reason, like, it wasn't. It wasn't smart of me to tell someone that is. Might tell Vanessa. Yeah. Like, at the end of the day, like, that's on me. And it's not really reasonable for me to say, oh, don't tell. Don't tell your friend about it, because it's all. Because it's like, it's one thing. I'm the one trying to do the surprise for her. It's easy for me to remember. It's not. I don't even need to. I'm not gonna forget that it's a surprise. But, like, you tell somebody else, they're gonna be more excited. Like, in this case, you tell your friend, hey, I'm pregnant. Your friend's gonna be more excited about the fact that you're pregnant. They're gonna be thinking about that much more than they're thinking about, oh, my God, I can't Tell whomever. So it's like, if you really want that to be a secret, like, don't be telling. It's kind of unfair to tell someone, hey, I'm gonna tell you this, but don't. But don't tell your husband.

Yeah.

Because they might even intend to not tell their husband, but then, like, a couple weeks later, they might forget.

Yeah.

So that's what I think. All right, moving on. Should we clean the kitchen at night or in the morning? Well, this is a real. Just straight up hot take. What do you say?

I generally prefer at night.

Yeah, I would. I agree. Get it done.

Yeah, I just say, get it done. You get to start the day on a fresher note. Like, it's nice to start the day with things feeling clean rather than. I feel like people often get the impulse of, like, oh, let's just. I just want to go to bed. Let's just, like, take care of it in the morning. And I wouldn't like, to be fair. I wouldn't make a hard and fast rule about this that you absolutely have to every single time. But I just think it's nicer to wake up to things being clean.

Yeah. I mean, honestly, I would go a step further and say, like, after you finish dinner, try to clean things up. So then you can, like, move on to whatever activity is next, knowing, okay, cool. Like, the kitchen's clean. I feel like it's easier for me psychologically. Like, I'm already in that state of, oh, I'm in the kitchen, I just cooked now. We ate, we made the mess. Let's clean it up. Rather than, like, relax. Getting into that more relaxed.

Yeah.

State of mind. And then like, oh, God, now I gotta go back and clean. So just get it done.

Yeah.

That's what I do it at night.

Okay. I leave my everyday skin care product on the counter, and it drives my husband nuts that I don't put it away every day. Who is right?

This is. This is funny because I think that this is such a funny, stereotypical thing. I think, like, women tend to rag on men for being, like, slobs or messy. And then it's. And it's like.

I think women are just.

But women, especially bathrooms are disgusting, filthy.

I mean, there's a difference between a disgusting bathroom and just having a couple of jars out.

I think. I think it's like, we. Yeah, we. I don't know. I think that we focus on different things in the bathroom, but I just think it's funny. I think this is just, like, a funny, like, exception. To the stereotype.

I don't. I don't agree with your stereotype. I don't think there are any, like, gender differences around who's neater or messier. I think there are just as many messy women as there are messy men.

Okay, that's. Hey, that makes sense. It's a hot take. I, again, I would kind of put this. I would make this one kind of similar to the. The being late one or the driving one, where it's like, if. If one partner is saying, hey, it's. It really. You know, it bothers me when we are late or I don't want to be driving 100% of the time, like, maybe default to. You know, if the partner's like, hey, I really like having everything put away in the bathroom.

To me, this depends on what your bathroom setup is. If you have, like, okay, if you have a situation where you have two separate sinks or two separate areas, I think your partner's allowed to do whatever they want, like, with their area. So I think this person is just saying, I have, like, my jars out on the countertop. And again, I think there's something very different if, like, the lids are everywhere and there's, like, makeup wipes that are dirty and Q tips and stuff like that. To me, that's very different from, hey, these are my skincare items that I use every day, and I like seeing the pretty bottles, and it's part of, you know, my little routine. So they're all here out on the counter. So if we're talking about just things being out versus being messy, yeah, I think that's a different story. So if you have your own little space and there is enough space for those jars to be there without, like, getting in the way or, you know, there's water all over the place or whatever it is, like, I think that's totally fine. But if you have a very small sink, there isn't a shared space. Yeah, a shared space. There isn't enough space for your skincare to be there and then your partner's stuff to also be there, then I think that's a different situation. But if you have the space and they are tidy jars, I think this is totally fine.

Yeah, I'm good with that. If you guys have separate spaces, kind of like we were saying with the late thing, where it's like, hey, if you really want to insist on being late, you can take different cars. Like, you have different sinks. Sure. I would say approach it differently. That's totally fine. But, yeah, if it's a shared space. Or if it's like, hey, you have all your stuff out, and so therefore, like, I can't have any of mine out. That doesn't seem very fair. Yeah, you know, of course there's kind of exceptions. If it's like, hey, we don't have enough storage space, so, like, this stuff has to be out, then maybe that's acceptable. But yeah, in general, in general, if it's your own space, then do what you want with it. Unless it's really, like, disgusting. And it's like, you know, you walk into the bathroom and it's like his little sink area is like super clean and sparkly. Yours is like, there's product everywhere and it looks like a bomb went off, then like, maybe you might want to reconsider that.

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That's right, Chauncey. We're going to feed five of your friends in need. All right. Unpacking as soon as you get home from the trip is the best way to do things. But my husband disagrees.

I'm with you. I think unpacking right when you get home is great. It just like, get it over with, get it done, start doing your laundry, get everything done. So I think that's fine. But my thing is here is that I think that you're allowed to do separate things with your own luggage. So if your partner prefers to, you know, wait a little bit longer, they're allowed to do that with their luggage. The only. The only exception is if you're the one who's doing the laundry and your partner's really dragging their feet on getting their cells unpacked and then it to the point where it's impacting your ability to do your household responsibilities, then I think you could push him. There's a lot of caveats, but, yeah, in general, I agree that unpacking as soon as you get home is great, but I also think your husband can do whatever he wants if he doesn't think so. But if the laundry is a thing, then he should unpack faster.

Yeah, I think here's what happens with us often is we will get home. And I guess this kind of applies whether it's.

Actually, I'm curious to see how you're going to describe this.

Oh, well, very often you do a lot of unpacking for me, which I really appreciate.

All right.

Which. Which I love, but not always it. I mean, it kind of, I think, depends on the situation. Often depends, you know, what time. Because sometimes recently we've gone on some, you know, international trips to certain destinations where, like, the only option is getting home, like, way, way, way, way late at night, which is tough. And so I think what can sometimes happen for us is, like, we'll get home and I will be focused on a couple of, like, house tasks, like making sure things are okay with the house or Getting the dogs out to go to the bathroom or something, knowing, like, I want to get to bed. We both want to get to bed quickly. We both said, oh, we're so tired. We want. We need to get to bed. And so I will be, like, focused on some, you know, making sure, like, things are okay with the house. And so while that's happening, Vanessa will sometimes unpack her stuff really quick while I'm still kind of doing, like, other household chores. And then I'll get back and be like, she's already unpacked and embedded. I'm like, oh, shit. Like, I'm late. Like, I gotta get to bed too, so that we can go to bed. And so then, as a result, my stuff will still be there. And then sometimes in the morning, I'm like, oh, I just, like. I want to, like, get back into my normal pattern. I don't want to unpack yet. And so that can kind of end up not causing things to be different between us, but I do very often, especially when it comes to laundry. If you're, like, gonna do laundry, it'll be like, hey, I'm, like, pulling your stuff out of the bag. And I really appreciate that. Good.

Okay. Period sex. I want to, but he doesn't.

In general. In general, I think especially for guys like, bro, she wants to do it. Just do it. It's not. It's not gross or disgusting. That being said, you know, I. I do get, like, if you are super squeamish about any kind of. Any amount of possibility of seeing some blood, then, you know, I. Because I know some people are really, really squeamish about blood. I do want to be really clear when you have sex with someone on their period. I've done it with. In every relationship that I've been in. It is not like a bloodbath. It's just not, especially because it's like, it's blood mixed with lubrication and, like, in my bodily fluids, like, it's all the stuff mixed together. It ends up, like, often it's not even that you really see that there's blood, per se, until you, like, wipe yourself off with, like, a tissue. And then if you look at the tissue, like, maybe there's. It's like, instead of being, like, clear, there's some color to it. I've never been in a situation where I'm. I've never been in a situation where I'm actually seeing blood, like, while I'm having sex. And it's only afterwards where like. Like, you really only notice, like, when you're kind of wiping up, it's really not a big thing. And I think that a lot of it is just our own. Our own insecurities and kind of, like, socialization. Yeah, socialization that, you know, if we can break out of that, like, we're limiting our own sex life. If we're like, oh, we can only have sex, like, 75 of the time.

Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah. And there are also. Yeah. There's some things that you can do to even avoid seeing blood altogether. You can do it in the shower. You put in a menstrual disc. There are certain menstrual discs that are designed to be worn during sex. You can put, you know, have sex in the dark. Put dark towels down. Like, there are plenty of things.

Wear a blindfold.

So, yeah, I agree with you. If this is a. If this is. He doesn't want to have period sex because he has a real, like, squeamishness or aversion around blood, that's understandable. And. Okay. But if it's just because he's like, ew, gross. You're bleeding. Like, that's not cool.

Yeah, I mean, I think it really very often is this kind of, like, weird. Not weird. Like, it's. It's a kind of messed up, like, misogynistic type of thing. Like, from a young age, boys are like, ew, gross. Periods. Like, they're bleeding. Don't trust anything that bleeds for seven days and doesn't. You know what? You know, I can't even remember what the line is, but, like. Yeah, it's just. This is just. Our bodies do certain things. Their bodies do certain things. That's just kind of the way it is. And it's like, yeah, if you can identify. Yeah, you know what? I can see that, you know, from puberty. You know, I've been talking with the boys in ways that kind of are not very helpful. Like, that's my own to deal with. All right. Kissing after he goes down on me. It's a no for me, but a yes for him.

Oh, some really similar vibes to this one here, too. I mean, I think, you know, we get. As women, we get a lot of socialization about our bodies, that they're icky and gross and smelly and taste bad and weird and all that kind of stuff. And unfortunately, a lot of us internalize that, and we do feel that way about our own bodies. And so a lot of women get grossed out about the idea of being able to taste some of their, you know, Natural bodily fluids on their partner's mouth after, you know, they've gone down on her. And I just think that's such a shame because it's a natural part of our body. It's one of the most natural things that we do. There's nothing gross, icky, or weird about it whatsoever.

Yeah, and there's nothing gay about it either. I think that's another thing that I think both men and women can get in their heads about. Of, like.

Oh, I don't think women think that.

Okay, well, I don't know. This. This person didn't say what it is about it that they're not into. I think some people, like, oh, well, I'm not into. I'm not into that type of genital, so therefore, why would I want to put, like, some. You're not even putting it in your mouth, but, like, putting, you know, the. The taste or the smell of it in your mouth. I mean, it's just like. It's. It's sex, man. Like, sex is our body parts touching each other and then, you know, the fluids that we create, like, that's what it is. I. I think of it as, like, yeah, it's the taste of us, and that's hot. I love sex. I love sex with you. I love your body. I love my body in the way it's capable of making me feel. And I think it's really hot when we mix that stuff up. And. Yeah, yeah, I'll kiss you all day, any day.

So, yeah, I mean, I want people to get over that. I want people to recognize, like, it's normal, it's natural, it's totally fine. There's nothing to be grossed out about. At the same time, you know, you and I always have the most respect for people having autonomy over their bodies and deciding what they want to do with their own bodies. So if you feel like, hey, for me, it truly is not about internalizing that socialization. It's not about me thinking my body is gross or something's wrong with me. It's just, you know, if there's some other reason why it's a no for you.

Yeah, like a legitimate, like, sensory type of thing where, you know, where it's like, you know, oh, I have a sensory thing with a lot of different, you know, tastes or textures or whatever, that is really tough for me. And that's like, you know, a mental health thing that I'm dealing with on a constant basis, then, yeah, I get that. But if it's like, oh, it's a sensory thing with just this.

Yeah. Yeah. So I'm gonna. I'm gonna air on the side of. I think you should try it, and I think you should work on getting more comfortable with the messy, normal parts of sex and bodies. But I'll give the caveat that if it truly doesn't feel like something that feels, like, safe or right or okay for you, you get to decide what you want to do with your own body.

I think the other thing to consider with this just, like, period sex, is that if we're going to put limitations on who can kiss when you can kiss, and who can kiss who, like, after certain activities have been done, you are. You are putting limits on your sex life. You know, you're basically saying, okay, well, if you go down on me, buddy, like, we're done kissing. Which is. Yeah. Which is sad. It's like, yes. Or, you know, or. Or you're kind of creating a situation where it's like, well, yeah, then, like, just don't go down on me because, like, I still want to be able to kiss you. Like, you're. You're backing yourself into a corner. You're. And you're. You're not just yourself, you're backing your sex life into a corner. And that's. Yeah, that's. That's sad. I don't. You know, hopefully, you know, we're trying to encourage you to open things up rather than close things down.

Okay. Should the initiating partner also be responsible for the cleanup supplies?

Responsible in what way?

Like, I think they mean for going to, like, get the cleanup supplies like you initiated. So you go grab the Kleenex or the towels or whatever it is people get.

Really. People get so particular about this. Like, it always. I don't know. I guess it kind of like, boggles my mind that people make such a big to do about getting the cleanup supplies. Like, can we come up with a solution for this where the cleanup supplies are already there? Where it's not this whole thing of, like, oh, getting, like. I get that, yes, eventually, yes, you do need to get up and possibly go to the bathroom or whatever. But I think people get really in their heads about, like, exactly what needs to be done, like, how thorough of a cleaning job needs to occur. I think a lot of people think, oh, well, the only way to do this is someone immediately has to get up and go to the bathroom and, like, get a bunch of towels and, like, do this thorough cleaning. And that's not really necessary. Like, yes, a little bit of wiping perhaps, but, like, I. I've always Been confused by this. I mean, I just take the perspective. Yeah, we. We use. We use tissues, and we have tissues on both of our sides of the bed. I get that. Yes. Maybe that is a little bit wasteful. You could have towel. You could, you know, you could have a bunch of, you know, whatever. The towels that you use are say, like, in a drawer. You know, it's your bedside table or something. But yeah. My perspective is let's not make it seem like a chore.

Yeah.

Like, let's just. Just, let's do whatever we can to make sex as frictionless as possible by using lube. No, but, like, I mean, sometimes a little friction is good. A little bit within reason. But. But no, like, let's make the experience as frictionless as possible. Like, let's not make it like. I feel like so many of us just jump through all these hoops. Like, we make sex so much harder than it needs to be on ourselves.

Yeah. I totally agree.

And so I don't even want to answer this question because I. I think because you're ask. Asking this question, I think you're making your sex life too complicated.

Okay.

Figure out a solution for. Figure out a solution for having the cleanup supplies already there where you usually have sex. Of course you're not always going to have sex there, but. Yeah, you're kind of like, it's this weird tit for tat thing. Oh, you wanted to do this, so you deal with the consequences.

Yeah, I don't like it. So I'm. I'm not saying no. I'm just gonna say no because I don't like this vibe. No, the person and who is initiating should not be responsible for the cleanup supplies. You guys should. Yeah, I agree with you. It shouldn't feel like a chore. It shouldn't be like this tit for tat punitive kind of thing. Like, make it feel intimate.

Yeah. Now, if you want to make. We do hear from people that make a nice intimate ritual out of cleanup, which is great. If that's something that you want to do where it's like, oh, I like, my partner goes and gets me a warm washcloth or something, and then we. And then like, like, he cleans me up or something like that. If that's something that feels good to both of you and you feel, like, excited and it brings you together, then I'm all for that.

Yeah.

But I also think that people make a real big deal about cleanup. More of like, it's not. I mean, like, yeah, our. Our bodily fluids are meant to Mix together. And yes, there is. There is leakage that is normal, but it's, like, not like you need to, like, wash yourself off or, like, wash it out. You can't really, like, wash it all out. Like, it's. That's just par for the course. Man. Sex is messy. Especially. Yeah. Once, you know, once you're having, like, unprotected sex. Yep, it's messy. That's the price of admission of unprotected sex.

Okay, let's wrap things up with some just super silly ones that people sent. And let's just do one word hot takes on each of. We can just pick the thing. No explanation, no caveats. You just have to vote on.

Oh, God. But the first one, you're gonna want explanations.

No. No explanations. Okay, so first one top sheet versus no top sheet.

No top sheet. Okay.

I say top sheet.

However.

Oh, no. Nope. Nope. You can't.

But I. But I still. I still go with a top sheet because. Because I, like, get sweaty sometimes. But if it's like a hotel or something, I love it if it's just, like, not where I don't have to do the laundry or anything. Yeah, just a duvet. Oh, yeah.

Okay. Are sandwiches a dinner food? Yes or no?

Sure.

Yes. How to pronounce gif.

I know what the correct pronunciation is, but I'm going to say gif.

Gif.

It's jif.

Technically, cold pizza is better than hot pizza.

False.

Brush then floss or floss then brush. You're going to say the wrong answer.

You claim that there's a right answer.

Right answer.

I prefer brush than floss.

No, the objective right answer is floss then brush. The bottom rack of the dishwasher should be unloaded first.

True. False.

Wait, no, no, no. Sorry. True. Yes. True.

Yeah. Because then when you. Because then water drips.

The water drips. No, I was just thinking of it the wrong way in my head. Yes. Bottom needs to go first. Do pets need middle names? Yes or no?

No. I mean, technically, they don't really need last names either, but the vet always insists that they have one.

Is butter a spice?

No.

No, it's not. And I love butter, but no, it's not a spice. Overhead versus accent lighting. I honestly don't care. People get so worked up about overhead lighting. We have overhead lighting in our whole house, but it's on dimmer switches. And that's what I love. Just the ability to dim things. But I really don't. I'm gonna go overhead. Cause accent, it's like a pain in the ass having to go around to each individual one to turn it on.

Yeah, I'll go overhead. Good overhead, though, with, like, where you can adjust also the color temperature. I prefer a warmer, probably the warmest possible temperature on the bulbs, which is with these nice new, like, LED ones.

No explanations.

There's multiple color temperatures that you can set when you're installing it, which is cool.

All right, and our last one are expiration dates on a food. A suggestion or a rule. No caveats.

Are a rule that I break occasionally.

A rule. All right, well, that is all for this round of tiebreakers. I hope that was fun. I hope that opened up some conversations between you and your partner.

Let us know which ones you disagreed with us on.

Yeah, leave us some comments on Spotify. Tell us what are your hot takes.

On these ones or on YouTube?

Oh, yeah, you can leave comments on.

Email on YouTube or Spotify. We'd love to hear from you.

All right, thanks so much for listening. Join us again next week. We release new episodes every Thursday.