E252: Don’t Give Your Kids “The Talk” (do this instead)

I will speak for myself. Like, my parents did not talk to me openly about sex. They did— like, I asked for information and they would not give it to me. And I became sexually active at an age that, like, it was too young. Looking back at it now, I really wish I had waited later. But a big part of that for me was I got a thrill out of rebelling. Like, oh, you're not gonna tell me? Okay, fine, I'll do it. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marrin.

I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. If you're listening to or watching this episode, it means you have already taken a huge step that most parents never take. You want to have healthy, honest, genuinely helpful conversations with your kid about sex. You may be wanting to do better than your parents did for you, and we want to call that out right in literally this first 30 seconds of the episode because that makes you an incredible an incredible parent. I think this is just such an easy topic for so many of us to want to bury our heads in the sand about. It feels scary, overwhelming. We don't know where to start. We didn't have good role models of it.

Or we're just like, oh, we'll wait till next year. No one's asked me anything yet. I don't need to worry about this. They're not old enough yet. And then next year turns to the year after to the year after. And then all of a sudden you're like, oh my God, my kid just brought A boyfriend home or a girlfriend home and what the heck do I do?

So yeah, we want to congratulate you for being here, for being willing to dive into this topic with us. And we also recognize that parents are busy and stressed. I know it feels like there's a mountain of things that you're supposed to do as a parent just to be like a good enough parent. You're probably constantly feeling like you're not doing enough. And you know, a lot of times this can just feel like yet another item on your to-do list. But the fact that you're willing willing to take time to learn how to set your kid up for a lifetime of healthy intimacy shows that you are a great parent. And I also want to say like it is totally okay if you feel like you're too late. It is okay if you've had a few attempts at giving the talk to your kid and it did not go well. Like you are here now wanting to learn, wanting to do better, and that is what matters.

That's really the best that we can do in any aspect of life. It's not about how late we are. It's just about, are you willing now?

And we want to have your back and support you in this. So in this episode, we are going to walk you through everything you need to know to start having these conversations with confidence. No judgment, no shame, just practical guidance from a licensed sex therapist who has been helping families with this for over 20 years, yours truly. And we are actually pulling this content directly from our course Beyond the Birds and the Bees. This was something that parents had begged us to create. Like, you guys do such a good job of teaching us how to have extraordinary intimacy in our relationship. How do we pass that on to our kids? So we're gonna tell you a little bit more about that at the end of the episode, but just, I wanted to share that with you at the top of this, just so you know, like we didn't just throw this episode together. Like this comes straight out of a course that parents are paying money for. So we have the link to that in our show notes if you wanna just jump over that and check it out right now, but we'll tell you a little bit more about it. It at the end too. Okay, so let's jump into it. If you're like most parents, you dread the thought of having to talk about sex with your kid. There's so many questions that come up, like how much do you need to tell them? Is there such a thing as saying too much? Like, would that maybe encourage them to be curious about sex or start having sex earlier? Then there's the question of like, when do you start it? What age is appropriate? Do you wait until they ask you something, or do you initiate the conversation? Is it better to have like a one-on-one conversation with them, or can you like give them a book? What if they have siblings? Do you have it at multiple times? Like, there's a lot of just logistical questions that come up around this that can feel very overwhelming. And not to mention the fact that you're probably pretty uncomfortable with some aspects of your own sexuality. I mean, that's why Xander and I even have this business to begin with, is because sex is a tricky topic that pretty much all of us struggle with. So you may be wondering like, How the heck am I supposed to talk to my kid about having a healthy relationship with their body when I hate mine? Or how do I tell my kid to make good, healthy sexual decisions when I regret a lot of the decisions that I made, right?

That's a big one.

Yeah, I made a lot of bad ones.

We all have. Most of us have.

And you might be asking yourself, like, how are my partner and I supposed to operate as a team if we haven't even talked openly about our own sex life, right?

Oh, good question.

So yeah, like, like I was saying before, like, it's very understandable to have the instinct to just want to bury your head in the sand and like pretend they're going to be a virgin until their wedding night. But the conversations that you have with your kid about sex are profoundly important for their future sexual health and happiness. We polled our audience about this and we found that 80% of people felt that they were not prepared and they did not have enough information the first time they had sex. And Xander and I saw that stat and just thought, we have to do better for this next generation. We need parents to do better for their kids because we all deserve to feel prepared and informed.

We also came with the data. We've got some stats that we wanted to share with you just to try to help soothe any fears, allay any concerns that you might have coming up. I think Vanessa just mentioned a lot of concerns that people have. Um, but at the end of the day, the research does show talking to kids about sex makes them more likely to wait longer to start having sex. That's a huge one.

That in and of itself is huge. Yeah. So many people think that if I talk to my kid about sex, I will make them curious about sex, interested in sex. It will make sex sound more appealing and therefore they're more likely to have it younger. But research shows the exact opposite is true. When kids have all the information they need about sex, when their parents talk to them openly about sex, they actually wait later and they make healthier decisions.

Yeah, there's a huge difference between sharing information about something and saying, hey, this thing is awesome, go do it. Go do it before you feel comfortable doing it. Like, those are two very different things. And you will not hear us in this episode or in Beyond the Birds and the Bees We're not ever recommending that you tell your kids, "Hey, this is awesome. You should go do it ASAP." Like that's not a part of what we're sharing with you.

I feel like we've talked before about— I feel like you made a funny comparison to history. Like it'd be like not wanting to teach your kids about like wars or dictators, because then you'd worry that they would want to be like dictators.

Yeah, it's like, "Oh, yeah, we better not teach our kids about World War II, because I wouldn't want them getting any ideas about going off to battle." Like, that doesn't really make any sense, right? So yeah, I don't know. But anyway, I think that's the first— that's a really important one. But yeah, also, the same research found that talking to kids, you know, sooner rather than later about sex reduces their number of sexual partners, uh, it reduces risky sexual behavior and decision-making, increases condom and contraceptive use, it decreases teen pregnancy, which, not a big surprise given all the other things I've said, that it's just, it's increasing contraception and decreasing risky decision-making. Um, it decreases STI transmission, and it makes kids less susceptible to sexual abuse— kids and adults who have had the experience of their parents talking to them about sex. On the flip side, the research also shows that kids that don't get to talk about sex with their parents, and they are more likely to experience a number of adverse impacts: shame, lower self-esteem, depression, guilt, riskier sexual decision-making, body image issues, and increased risk of sexual abuse. So there's really so many reasons to start talking about this topic rather than leaving it all to chance.

Here are some other benefits. So when kids have the information that they need and they know that they can talk to you about sex, they don't get any thrill out of rebelling against you. I will speak myself, like my parents did not talk to me openly about sex. They did, like I asked for information and they would not give it to me. And I became sexually active at an age that like it was too young. Looking back at it now, I really wish I had waited later. But a big part of that for me was I got a thrill out of rebelling. Like, oh, you're not gonna tell me? Okay, fine, I'll do it. You know, and they made a million rules about you're not allowed to do this and you're not allowed to do that and you're not allowed to be with your boyfriend here And you're like, they didn't make it easy for me, but I figured out how to do it. Like teenagers are sneaky little fuckers.

Oh yeah, I mean I—

And it was such a thrill. Like that was part of it. Like yeah, they said I can't, well I'm gonna.

Yeah, I think most people have had the experience of seeing, you know, you look back on your own experience going through high school or whatever, similar stuff around drugs and alcohol. Now we're not trying to advise you on how to have those conversations, but you know, definitely when the people that had really intense rules were, some of them really followed the rules, but many of them were out there doing, kind of making a lot of really risky decisions because they didn't have any other option. And I know there were times in my childhood where that was true, not childhood, my teenage years where that was true for me. And then there were some come-to-Jesus moments with my parents and things got a lot better. But But yeah, no, it's tricky. I think most of us have seen that in people where when the rules are really tight, sometimes a person just kind of like folds and doesn't do anything, but very often they just rebel even more.

Yeah, I think when something's not talked about, it feels more forbidden and taboo, and it actually feels exciting because of that. Talking to your kids about sex also strengthens your relationship. Like if you can become a trusted resource for your kid, they are going to turn to you for lots of other things too. It prevents your kid from believing misinformation that they're probably hearing at school. Like kids get really weird ideas about sex and relationships. We've done some like funny stories about like what's the weirdest kid you're, you know, weird thing your kid has ever said about like bodies, relationships, sex. And like they have some weird ideas. So they're hearing things from their friends. And if they're never getting corrected, they grow up, you know, sometimes they're silly things like, you know, oh, you have a tongue in your butt or something like that. But sometimes there are things that have really big impacts, like people who think you can't get pregnant if you haven't had your period yet, or you can't get pregnant when you're on your period, you know, where somebody ends up having sex like that and they do get pregnant. That's not the correct information. So that's really important. It also just contributes to better communication in your family overall. And there are even some personal benefits just for you.

Bonus benefits.

Yes. So talking to your kid about sex can be an unexpectedly profound healing experience for parents because it often forces you to confront your own upbringings and beliefs about intimacy. So most of us grew up in environments where sex was shrouded in shame, silence, or misinformation, and those early messages can really linger in ways that we don't even realize a lot of times. So by opening up these conversations with your child, you're not just giving them the gift of accurate, shame-free information, you're also giving yourself the gift of being able to rewrite your own narrative. Like, it's a chance to reflect on what you wish you had been told, to process any lingering discomfort or confusion, to step into a more confident, empowered relationship with your own sexuality. And that kind of self-awareness and healing can ripple into every part of your life, including your marriage. And similarly, like for couples, this can be a really bonding experience. Like when you and your partner team up to talk to your child about sex, it requires you to get on the same page about your values, beliefs, your hopes for your child's future. So that process can spark deeper conversations between the two of you about your own relationship, how you communicate, how you model intimacy, how you want to grow together.

You might find yourself talking about your own sex life with your partner a little more, which surprise, surprise, might have the unintended consequence of you two starting to have more sex or more fun during sex. Like, I think people are like, "Oh God, but then we're gonna have to talk about it." It's like, yeah, no, you're gonna have to talk about it. And that's a great thing. You're gonna want to do it more.

Yeah. It's really an opportunity to strengthen your connection, not just as co-parents, but as partners who are actively working to create a healthy, open, loving environment for your family. So in a way, it's like like giving your relationship a little tune-up while also setting your child up for success. Now, one other point that we wanted to make here is we want to reframe any sort of discomfort that you might be feeling right now. Like, we think that if you're feeling uncomfortable talking to your kid about sex, that is actually a good thing. Hear me out, because that likely means that you didn't have anyone who had great conversations with you. You didn't have a great role model for this. You didn't get a chance to get comfortable talking about sex, which means that you are a cycle breaker. You are doing something new that hasn't been done in your family, which is really something to applaud yourself for, to like appreciate yourself for being willing to go first. And your discomfort is actually an incredible lesson that you can teach to your kid. Like, you can show them that things can be awkward, you can feel uncomfortable, and you can still choose to do something anyway. Like, what a powerful lesson to teach your kid, not just about sex. Like, that's a big life lesson. Like, we can do hard things, we can feel uncomfortable and still do it.

Yeah, I mean, you think about how much you are actually moving the needle in terms of how we as a society feel about sex or the shame that we feel. Because if you were to just go with the status quo of, oh yeah, I had a crappy conversation from my parents, or I had no conversation, and I'm just going to do the same thing. I'm going to have this one big awkward conversation where my kid comes away not remembering anything, or I'm just going to totally skip it and hope for the best, then all you're doing is perpetuating the status quo. The same thing happens. But you have the opportunity to completely change the direction of your kids' lives and the experience that they have, and therefore the experience that they are most likely to pass on to their kids in the future.

Also, even if you have a great version of the talks with your kids, your kid is still going to feel some amount of shame around sex. It's impossible to grow up in our culture without taking on some of that shame. It's not at all about you as a parent or how you did. It's literally just growing up in this culture.

It might not come from you, but it will come from all the shit they hear on the playground, the stuff they see on TV.

So you can model model for them that they can still take action even when feeling discomfort, you know, that you can still have a healthy relationship with sex even feeling a little bit of shame around it. If you've been a part of our community for a while, you know that my dad has been navigating his cancer journey, and the last few months have just provided me endless opportunities to remember how important it is to have Doctors on your team that you trust, that you feel like genuinely care about you, that you connect with, that just feel like they're on the journey with you. But unfortunately, most people just don't have a medical care team like that. And that's why we're really excited to tell you about Zocdoc. It's a free app and website that helps you find and book high-quality in-network doctors so you can find someone that you genuinely love. They have over 150,000 providers across all different specialties—dermatology, dentistry, primary care, everything you need. You can search for doctors who are highly reviewed. You can book appointments online without having to pick up the phone and make a call. They seriously make the process just so easy and simple, and you can often get really quick appointments, like 24 to 72 hours. The next time I need to find a new doctor, I'm definitely going to be turning to Zocdoc. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to Zocdoc doc.com/pillow to find and instantly book a doctor you love today. That's zocdoc.com/pillow. Zocdoc.com/pillow. Thanks, Zocdoc, for sponsoring this message. Okay, so did you know that most mattresses are made with materials and chemicals that just are not good for your health? And this really makes a big big difference because you're spending like a third of your life in your bed, right? We have recently been on a quest to bring more non-toxic products into our lives, and we are so excited to tell you about Birch mattresses. We also are really picky about our mattresses, and, you know, we are always getting people asking us for mattress recommendations because of the content that we talk about. So Birch makes non-toxic mattresses with materials like organic fair trade cotton, organic wool, and natural latex, and they make whole process of trying and buying a new mattress super easy. It gets delivered straight to your door, it's rolled up in this box, very easy to set up, and you get 120 nights risk-free to try it out and make sure you love it. We've been sleeping on our Birch mattress and we are obsessed with it, like getting such good sleep. And Birch has a great deal for you. They're in the middle of their March Madness sale, so you can go to birchliving.com/pillowtalks for 20% off site-wide. That's birchliving.com/pillowtalks. Next, we want to help you get clear on your why. Like, whenever we're, we're in uncomfortable situations, it makes us feel a lot better to get clear on why we are doing the uncomfortable thing. So we want to help you come up with your own personal and meaningful reasons for having the talk with your kid.

So first, we're going to go inward and think about a couple personal questions to help you dig in to really figure out your why. So what were you taught about sex, like directly from any conversations that you had, or indirectly from what you heard, what you saw, etc.? Now think about how did all that information impact you as both a kid and then now as an adult? What do you wish that you had known about sex when you were a kid? Like, if you could go back right now, what would you want to tell your younger yourself? How do you think your life would be different if your parents had done a better job talking to you about sex? How do you want your kid to feel when they have questions about sex? How would you like your kid to treat their future romantic and sexual partners? And finally, what do you hope for, for your own children's romantic or, or sex life? I think that can be an awkward question to think about, but I think the reality at the end of the day at the end of the day, all most parents want are to be able to raise kids who get into happy and healthy relationships. And we know sex is a huge part of what differentiates a relationship from a friendship. So I do think it is fair to think about how do you want that to look for them, not in gory detail, but in general, what feelings do you want to come up for your kid when they are an adult and they are having sex?

So here are some examples of some possible whys that might come up for you. Like, I want my kid to feel comfortable coming to me in an emergency situation. I want to do better than my parents did. I don't want my kid to feel ashamed. We actually did a separate poll about shame and sex, and we found that 86% of people said that sex was a shameful topic growing up, and 50% of people said they were worried about passing that shame on to their kids. Okay, some other possible whys are: I want my kid to make healthy decisions. I want my kid to know they deserve a respectful, healthy, and happy relationship. With their future life partner. And you can have some personal whys in here too. Like, I wanna overcome my own shame.

Yeah, it's okay to be selfish.

I wanna have a healthy and happy relationship with sex myself. I want my partner and I to feel comfortable talking about sex with each other. If you are looking for everyday essentials with quality that lasts, you have to check out Quince. I am so glad that Quince is back as a podcast sponsor because before they were a sponsor, I personally bought a ton of Quint's stuff with my own money. I've continued to buy stuff with my own money. I just recently bought my sister a really cute maternity set. She just gave birth a few weeks ago, and she is in dire need of some, like, comfy but high-quality clothing. So I got her this really adorable little set that she absolutely loved. But we have so much from Quint's. We have, um, napkins. We have— I have really cute dresses that you really love. I've got some jackets. Even one of their little wallets. It's incredible high-quality Italian leather. Like, I have not got something from Quince that I did not absolutely love, so I seriously highly, highly recommend checking them out right now. Go to quince.com/pillow for free shipping and 365-day returns. That's a full year to build your wardrobe and love it, and you will. Now available in Canada too. Don't keep settling for clothes that don't last. Go to quince.com/pillow pillow for free shipping and 365-day returns. quince.com/pillow. Next, you're going to define your guiding principles. So you need to come up with your family values together, like you and your partner, so that you're clear on what you're teaching your kid. So in the rest of this episode, like, we're sharing the information that we think is best and healthiest based on research and experience, but we also want to acknowledge, like, you might disagree with us on some of these things. And ultimately, it's your family, and you get to decide what it is that you want to teach to your kids.

All right, so let's get into a couple more questions to start digging into. So these are, these are ones that are great to sit down, take some time, maybe write out some stuff or chat with your partner about it. But I want to share the questions with you now. So what are your own values when it comes to sex? What do you want your kid to believe about sex? What actions do you want your child to take or to avoid when it comes to sex? Even if they make a decision that goes against your values, what do you want them to know, or what do you want them to do?

So here are some examples of values about sex: it's important to talk about it with parents and with partners, it should only be done with someone you care about and trust, there's nothing shameful about bodies or sex, it's okay to be curious about sex, Sex should feel good. Masturbation is healthy. Enthusiastic consent is essential. Sex is an important part of life. So ultimately, we want you to come up with like 5 to 10 values. These values are really gonna help set you up for success in having these conversations. You can refer back to them before you have the conversations to really like ground you in what it is that you're trying to convey. Of course, feel free to keep editing them. This can be like a living, breathing document. Okay, now comes the part that you are probably both excited and terrified about. How do you actually have these conversations? And again, this is some super valuable content that we are plucking straight from the beginning of our course Beyond the Birds and the Bees. So these are some really helpful tips we're about to go over. All right.

So ideally, you want to be the first person to talk to your kids about sex, because the information that we learn first about something tends to tends to be the most impactful, and it tends to be the thing that we remember the most. So, I hate to break it to you, but kids are going to hear things from their friends. They're going to see things on TV and in the movies, and that info is most likely going to be completely incorrect, or at least very confusing, or parts of it are not going to be correct. And so, you need to be able to get in there and give them the correct information. So if you've got super, super young toddlers, kids, you have a great opportunity to get in there first. But we realize this isn't the reality for most families. You might be listening to this and be like, oh, my kid is 12 years old and I know that they're talking about stuff and I haven't talked to them. So don't worry, we're going to talk also about how to clear up misinformation.

In general, you want to start as early as possible, and this is something that blows parents' minds when they We think you should start talking about sex with your kid as young as 2 to 3 years old.

Now, what you talk about is the important thing. We're not having the full-blown, like, here's how you have sex at 2 to 3, to be super, super clear to anyone who hears that and they're like, oh my God, these people are crazy. I'm turning this thing off.

Now, ironically, it's less embarrassing to talk to a 2-year-old about sex than it is to talk to a teenager. So if you get started early, you will feel like an old pro by the time your kid starts asking the tough questions. Now, that being said, it is never too late. Just start now wherever you are.

Now you might be wondering, okay, how the hell do I have the talk with a 2 to 3-year-old? Here's the thing. You don't. You are going to have multiple conversations. And by multiple, I mean not just like 2 to 3. Like, you're going to have a ton of different conversations because this whole idea of the talk is a total misnomer. It— I know from my experience, I had one talk. I remember like one thing that came out of it. I'm sure my dad talked to me for like 1 to 2 hours. I don't, I don't even know, man. That was just like, it's like a total blur in my head. So we're going to show you how to make this conversation, make, or make this a conversation that is continued to be had across their entire life. So when I say multiple conversations, that means each conversation can be really short. It doesn't have to be this big, high-pressure, super embarrassing thing. It's just a couple minutes at a time, because shorter conversations are way more effective than one longer one. They're more effective for your kids, and they're also a hell of a lot easier for you.

Okay, so there are 5 core conversations that we recommend every parent have with their kids, and this is the heart of Beyond the Birds and the Bees. Like, we tell you exactly what to say in each of these 5 categories, broken down by age groups. It's like really clearly really simply, quickly laid out. But we're not gatekeeping here. We are going to tell you the 5 conversations that you need to have.

Yeah, and within— we're calling them conversations, but it's really like 5 key concepts within each of these. There are going to be tons and tons and tons of conversations across different age categories and then, and continued conver— you talk about one element of it at age 5, at age 10 you talk about another element of it. But this is We think that if your kids understand all of these things by the time they get to the age where they might be starting to have sex, they're going to be so well positioned to have a healthy and happy relationship.

Okay, so the 5 conversations are: 1, bodies, mechanics, and conception. So these are kind of like the biological basics of how everything works. 2, safety and boundaries. This includes consent, body autonomy, recognizing unsafe situations, 3, media and porn, what they're seeing online, on TV and movies, and how to process it. 4, diversity and identity, different orientations, gender identities, normalizing differences. And 5, decision-making, connection, and pleasure. Yes, pleasure is included. So this is talking about like when they're ready, how to make good choices, and what healthy relationships relationships look like. Okay, so depending on the age of your kids, the things that you're going to talk about in each of these 5 core conversations are going to vary a lot. But yes, you're going to start having these conversations at several different age stages. So like, for example, with kids 5 and under, you're going to be talking more about the basic body parts and safety. You're not getting into the in-depth mechanics of how sex works. With 6 to 8 year olds, you're getting a little more detailed, but you're still focusing heavily on safety. That's really what's so important is like the safety-related conversations have to start so young, and we really walk you through how to do that in the course. By 9 to 12, you're covering puberty, emotions, having deeper conversations about relationships. And with 13 to 17-year-olds, you're talking like real-world applications, decision-making, what healthy relationships should look like, and yes, pleasure and connection. Now, here's another important thing. You should start the majority of the talks. This is a big question. That comes up for parents.

Yeah, I think most parents get this really backward. One of the first things we always hear is, oh, well, fortunately my little Jimmy hasn't asked me anything yet, so we're good. No, you are not good.

Yeah. Like ultimately it's your job as a parent to teach your kid what they need to know, not your kid's job to ask their parents what they need to know. Like kids don't know what they don't know. So they can't know to ask you, like your kid's not going to know to ask you like, mother, please tell me how do I speak stay safe with all the scary porn and AI stuff online, right? Like they don't know how to ask.

Yeah, I mean, if you didn't send your kids to school, do you think at 5 years old your kid would be like, okay, I think it's time for you to start teaching me how to read? Or like, oh, I would love to know math.

Little Jimmy's not asking that, yeah. So if you start the talks, you're going to be seen by your kid as the expert. They're going to start understanding like, oh, I can come to my parent to ask questions. Questions. We will cover in just a sec what to do when your kid does bring questions to you. But yeah, in general, you starting the conversations is really what's best for your kid. Now, when you want to start a conversation, give them a little heads up before you talk to them. So say something like, you know, hey, I want to talk to you about something important later today. You're not in trouble, it's just some information that I want to give to you. Or you can be super direct and say like, I want to talk to you about sex later today. You're not You're not in trouble. Just some information I want to give you. I like adding the "you're not in trouble" line because kids very quickly have the tendency to think they are in trouble. Yeah. So that giving them a little heads up just gives them a chance to prepare.

You can also use the news in the world around you to help you initiate some of these conversations. So like you can pause a TV show to talk about something like if you see something about pregnancy portrayed or some kind of sex or intimacy. When friends are pregnant, that's a great entry point to talking about, oh, what is this? What does this mean? How does this happen? There's plenty of stories in the news about, you know, sex, sexual related things. And so, you know, those are all opportunities. Then there's also a number of conversation openers that you could use. So you could say something like, hey, this is a random question, but But blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I know this might sound like it's coming out of nowhere, but I wanted to talk about insert your topic there. You know, I was just thinking the other day that we haven't talked about whatever yet. There's something really exciting that I want to talk to you about. Or even you can kind of blame your friends. You can be like, oh, you know, my friend told me that her daughter just asked her about XYZ. And I think it would be a good idea for us to talk about it 2.

Okay, when you're talking to your kid, pay attention to their cues. Don't force them to talk longer than they want to talk.

I think we all see that moment where like a kid is engaged in a conversation and then they hit the breaking point or whatever and it's just like tune out. And I feel like it's very easy to spot that.

So that's why we like the shorter, more frequent conversations. You're not like giving them a lecture. It's just a quick convo. Now I want to address though, like if your kid is just really doesn't want to listen, like the second you start, they're like, Mom, don't, I don't want to talk about it.

Yeah, the typical teenager response.

Here again, this is why starting earlier is good too, because you get them a little bit more primed. But here are some tips. Like first, emphasize that they're not in trouble. Like I said earlier, like that's often the first place that kids go to. They may have internalized the message already that sex is shameful and taboo. So sometimes they just need a few repetitions to recognize like, oh, it is okay for us to talk about. This is why you wanna make sure it feels like a conversation, not a lecture, right? And ultimately though, it doesn't matter if your child is uncomfortable. Like it's your job as a parent to do what's best for them, not to keep them 100% comfortable 100% of the time. So here are a couple ways to say that. Like you can say, okay, I will keep this very short, but it's my job as your parent to tell you this. Or you don't need to respond to me, but I do need to share this stuff with you.

All right, now when it comes to how we are going to be sharing, we encourage you to be sharing scientific details. So please do not use euphemisms like, oh, the stork brings the baby. You know, we want to share the science and truth behind sex and how it actually works. This is going to also help establish you as an expert and encourage trust, because if your kid hears you saying, telling them things that they later find out are completely not true, or you even they might know is not true, or they know that you're using a word for something that isn't accurate, then they're going to be less likely to think of you as an expert. They're going to be less likely to believe you if they're like, oh yeah, this— my parents just told me a bunch of bullshit about how babies were made. Now I know better. Like, how can I trust them on this topic, right?

You're going to want to do something while you talk, so you don't want this to feel like this big serious sit-down lecture that they're getting. So we recommend having conversations while you do an activity together, like go on a Talk, bake cookies, do a puzzle. And in general, side by side is more comfortable than face to face. This is also true for adult men. Adult men and kids prefer to talk side by side. Your tone and delivery are very important. So ultimately, kids are going to remember how these conversations made them feel rather than the exact content of the conversation. I don't remember every single word my parents said to me during our version of the talk, but I for sure remember the feeling of it. So focus on your tone. You want it to be light, easy breezy, the same kind of tone that you use when you're talking about like, what are we gonna have for dinner tonight?

All right, so how the hell do you do that if that feels really nerve-wracking to you? Well, you practice. So say things in front of the mirror, say it to yourself, go back and forth with your partner about it, practice trying to keep your poker face on. Maybe have your or say some ridiculous things or like kind of say certain words that maybe feel dirty or gross or whatever to you and practice just keeping a straight face. Make it feel fun and special.

So again, the whole vibe is like they're not in trouble. This isn't a lecture. You can say things like, "You're old enough now to know about this." Like it's some cool thing that they're getting to learn about. Yeah, that's a good one. Or like, "It's very cool to know all about this part of life. That's why we talk about it." a lot. Or, sex is a big part of life and it's important to be prepared for it. Or you can ask them things, say something like, I'm curious to know your thoughts about this. Especially as they get older, that's a way of showing them that it's a conversation, not a lecture. Make sure your kid knows that they can come to you at any time with any question. So you want to encourage your kid's curiosity. Like, a kid's job is to learn how the world works. So here are some ways to like give that vibe to them, that vibe that they can always come to you. You can say something like, I want you to know that you can always come to me if you're curious about anything. You always have good questions and your questions are never going to get you in trouble. And like praise and compliment them when they do come to you with questions. You could also say, if the other kids at school ever tell you something and you're not sure what it means, you can always come to me and ask. Or be more specific about sex. You can say like, you're gonna hear a lot of confusing things about sex and a lot of it is going to be inaccurate. So whenever you do hear something, come to us and we can explain it. And share this message with them multiple times. Make sure to end every conversation with, do you have any questions about that? That really drives home to your kid that this is a conversation between the two of you. Raise your hand if you're like me and you have a partner who is obsessed with trying to get you to drink enough water. Water. Xander is always trying to get me to drink more water, and I really appreciate it because staying hydrated is very important. But a lot of us struggle with it, and that's why Cure can be such a great find for so many of you. They make these incredible hydration packs with plant-based electrolytes, no added sugar. They're really convenient. You can just toss them into your purse.

Plus, they make an energy drink mix which is super clean, plant-based caffeine Um, they have really good flavors like peach tea or acai berry that really don't taste fake. Um, and it's, yeah, it can just be a boost anytime you need it during the day. I'm about to leave on a surf trip. I'm bringing a whole pack of my peach tea energy booster Cures. They're so good to toss in some water after a long surf session, or really anytime you need that boost.

Staying hydrated isn't just about water. You also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you at curehydration.com/pillow. Real ingredients, real hydration.

Eczema is unpredictable, but you can flare less with Evgliss, a once-monthly treatment for moderate to severe eczema. After an initial 4-month or longer dosing phase, about 4 in 10 people taking taking Epglis achieved itch relief and clear or almost clear skin at 16 weeks, and most of those people maintained skin that's still more clear at 1 year with monthly dosing.

Epglis, lebrikizumab (LBKZ), a 250 mg per 2 mL injection, is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe eczema, also called atopic dermatitis, that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals, or who cannot use topical therapies. Epglis can be used with or without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you're allergic to Epglis. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with Evglis. Before starting Evglis, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection.

Ask your doctor about Evglis and visit evglis.lilly.com or call 1-800-LILLY-RX or 1-800-545-5979.

Okay, now let's switch gears and talk about what to do when your kid brings questions to you. So first of all, if your kid asks you a question, that is great news. It shows that they trust you. It shows that you have created a safe space for them.

Now, you are almost certainly going to get flustered by some of their questions.

Kids ask some wild questions.

Yeah, I think, you know, most parents are like, oh my God, I cannot believe they just asked me this. So it's important to have a couple of scripts in your back pocket ready to go and rehearse those. So that's another thing to be doing in the mirror with your partner. Rehearse some of these scripts so that you are ready with them.

So here's a general script when they ask a Great question. I'm so glad you asked that. Or, I'm so excited to talk to you about this. So again, tons of praise for bringing it to you. And you may sometimes want to ask them, like, where did you hear that? So you can get a little bit more background information. That also is a good chance to stall. Now, if it's a question that you are not prepared to answer in the moment, here are some great scripts for you. That's a great question. I'm so glad you asked. I need to take some time to think about that, but I'm going to get back to you tonight or tomorrow. It's also okay to say, "You know what? I actually don't know the answer to that, so I need to look it up." You can use these questions as opportunities to share more about yourself. Like, "These questions are so important. I'm so glad we get to talk about this. I want you to know that my parents never talked to me about this when I was your age, so you may notice that when we talk about this, I might stumble over my words or not know exactly what to say. I want you to know that you are not causing that. That's a me problem that I am working on fixing myself." myself. So that's a great option if you're ever nervous about your delivery. You can even like preemptively say that before your kid starts asking questions.

Yeah, because what you don't want is for you to respond awkwardly and then what your kid takes away from that is, oh, I shouldn't have asked this question. It's my fault that my parent, you know, is feeling awkward or doesn't have an answer for me. So therefore it's not a good idea for me to bring questions like this to them. You're going to want to then validate any and all feelings that come up along with their questions. So I think Validation is really one of the most important experiences for children to have. So you can say, you know, hey, like, I can see that you're feeling frustrated about this thing that you heard, or maybe you're confused by what your friend told you, or you're feeling scared about what some of the kids are doing. That all makes sense to me. Why don't you tell me some more about what you're feeling?

And of course, answer the question too.

LifeLock, how can I help?

The IRS said I filed my return, but I haven't.

1 in 4 taxpaying Americans has paid the price of identity fraud.

What do I do? My refund, though.

I'm freaking out. Don't worry, I can fix this.

LifeLock fixes identity theft guaranteed and gets your money back with up to $3 million in coverage. I'm so relieved.

No problem.

I'll be with you every step of the way.

1 in 4 was a fraud-paying American. Not anymore. Save up to 40% your first year. Visit lifelock.com/podcast. Terms apply.

You know, you want to give them the, the accurate information, which of course leads us straight into like, okay, well, what is appropriate to share at what age range? So everything that we have shared today is truly just the beginning. Like, we really wanted this to be a super valuable episode, really like actionable, practical tips that you could take and use right away. But of course, there's so much more to this, all the details of like the exact 5 conversations, what is appropriate for every age range.

Yeah, what are all the subtopics within each one? There's no way that we can cover all of that in a single podcast episode.

Yeah, so if you're feeling overwhelmed thinking about like, oh my god, like how do I actually do this? What is the information that I need to give them? What's the right ages? What are the right words? Like how do I handle these questions that they're gonna throw at me? Like you are definitely not alone. That is why we even created the course in the first place.

Yeah, most parents tell us that they feel just completely unprepared and they're terrified of saying the wrong thing. They're terrified that they waited too long or that they're gonna be passing their own child shame onto their kids. And honestly, that fear is totally valid when you're just trying to wing it.

Yeah, so that's why we created Beyond the Birds and the Bees. This isn't just another parenting course. It's a complete step-by-step, but very easy and doable system that will show you how to raise confident, shame-free kids who actually want to talk to you about one of the most important aspects of their life.

Yeah, one that you can just refer back to year after year after year. Topic after topic.

Yeah, creating Beyond the Birds and the Bees was our way of giving parents the support system that they need to have these important conversations. It's a proven system that hundreds of families have already used to feel more confident and prepared.

Yeah, look, we know you don't have time to sit through 100 hours of content or do a bunch of homework exercises. You're already juggling everything as a parent. That's exactly why we designed this to really be like a security blanket. So as comprehensive enough to cover everything that you need, but it's also simple enough that you can just quickly identify and grab whatever you need in the moment that you need it and then use it rather than like, oh God, I got to watch like the kid asked me a question. I got to watch like 2 hours worth of lessons.

So here's what we did. We took all the information and we put it into several different formats so you can pick whatever is the easiest, most doable for you. So we have audio lessons for our auditory learners, our podcast lovers. So these are all 5 of the essential conversations that that we mentioned to you broken down by age group so you can listen to exactly what your kid needs to hear right now. Like if you have a kid that's 7, you go straight to that age group. So it's really targeted, really quick. Or if you want to, like you can listen to everything in its entirety. But again, we designed it to be like super bite-sized. We also have videos. So we went through a group with like a group of real parents. We went through all the content. So if you prefer like video and kind of seeing that like group format, you can go through it in that way. And we also have everything written out. So we have step-by-step scripts. So they'll show you again, broken down by the 5 conversations, by exactly what is age appropriate, like exactly what to say so that you have those words like literally at your fingertips. We also have quick reference cheat sheets. So these are like one-page summaries you can print out, hang in your closet as like this reminder of, okay, these are the topics that I need to cover.

At each age group. Or keep them subtly on your phone or something like that.

Yeah, we have conversation starter cards. So these are like just fun, low-pressure ways to begin these important discussions without the awkwardness. It makes it feel like a fun little game. We also have an LGBTQIA+ kids guide to support kids of all identities with confidence and love, and some great worksheets to work through as well.

Yeah, especially, you know, we started talking about earlier clear, like how to create your values, how to identify your values when it comes to having these conversations. We have a number of worksheets to help you really get, you know, put pen to paper and come up with that in a, in a comprehensive way.

Yeah, so we thought of all of the different scenarios. We also did extensive research with parents asking like, what are the questions your kid has already asked you? What are the questions you're scared of them asking you? Everything is in this So like, what do you say when your 4-year-old asks where babies come from? What do you do when your 10-year-old comes home with questions about something they heard at school? What do you do when you walk in on your teenager watching porn? And how do you talk to your kids about consent? How do you prevent them from experiencing abuse? But here's what makes Beyond the Birds and the Bees truly life-changing. It's not just about what to tell your kids. We also give you the tools to overcome your own discomfort and become the confident, prepared parent that your kid deserves and the confident, prepared person that you deserve to be and the confident, prepared partner that your partner deserves. Like, yeah, I think what's so cool about this, like we were talking about earlier, is that it is this opportunity for deeper healing for everybody.

In fact, we are so confident in all of this that Beyond the Birds and the Bees will really truly transform your family that we offer a 30-day money-back guarantee on the course. So take the course, do the work. If within 30 days it's really not feeling like the right fit for you, you're not getting what you expected out of it, we will refund every penny. So there's literally zero risk. Okay.

We want you to take a moment to just feel into what's possible for your family. So imagine having the confidence that comes from knowing that you can handle any question that your kid throws at you. And imagine the deep satisfaction of knowing you're raising a child who will grow up without shame about their body, about their sexuality, about relationships. This truly is not just about having better conversations, it's about breaking generational cycles. It's about giving your kids what you probably never had: parents who could talk openly, confidently, and shame-free about one of the most important parts of life. Your kid deserves parents who can guide them with wisdom instead of awkward silence And you deserve to feel confident and prepared for these moments instead of terrified. So that's what happens when you have the right system and the right support, when you're not just guessing or hoping for the best.

So if you're ready to become the parent that your kid can talk to anything about, if you want the support that takes all the guesswork out of raising smart, safe, and shame-free kids, then Beyond the Birds and the Bees is exactly what you need. What you need. You can get all the details and join us right now at vmtherapy.com/talks.

And there may even be a little surprise thrown in there for you too. Gotta go there to check it out. All right. Well, that is all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. This is a topic that we just get really fired up about. It really feels like it's part of our mission, you know, really preventing these generational shame cycles from continuing. Like if if we can stop that cycle. I mean, we've always joked about like that our goal is to put ourselves out of business, you know, to live in a world where we don't need to do this kind of work because we all feel confident and we are having extraordinary intimacy and closeness with our partners. So it's really fun to imagine that reality. So thanks for being along with us on the ride. Join us again next week. We release new episodes every Thursday. Thursday.