E256: Doggy Style: Tips, Tricks, and Techniques for Maximum Pleasure

And I think it doesn't get the credit that it deserves. I think most people would say who, you know, in a male-female couple, who would like doggy more? I think most people would say the man would, but I think it works really well for women because it's a misunderstood position. It's still misunderstood. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin.

I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Today we have a very special guest joining us for the podcast. Miss Maggie, to talk to us about doggy style.

No!

If you're watching the podcast on video, if you're not, all of our episodes are up on YouTube, but Maggie is in my lap. She really insisted on jumping up here today. She really, she used to be in every podcast and then Xander made me kick her out.

Wow. It's my fault.

It is.

I mean, I guess technically it was actually our podcast editor's fault because our video kept— He was like, how come Vanessa's video feed keeps going in and out of focus? And I was like, I don't understand how that is even possible. Like it's focused on her face. And then he like gave me a specific timestamp and I went and looked and the iPhone switches focus between Vanessa's face and Maggie's face. Like it doesn't know what face to lock onto.

I'll have to, I'll come cover her face up so it doesn't. I love having her on my lap.

We'll be okay. I changed the setting. It should be like focus tracked on your face.

Okay. So I can let everybody see her cute little face.

We'll see. I can do a little extra work on the back end to fix all the focus. It'll be okay this time.

I get to have Maggie back. If you hear any little snores or farts, that is definitely Maggie. Okay. So we are talking about doggy style.

We're not talking about bestiality today. We're not. We don't encourage that. To be very clear.

We're talking about humans.

It's illegal. It's not okay. It's not even an encourage or not encourage. It is an absolutely not okay in any situation.

We are talking about—

I'm taking a stand on bestiality, Vanessa. You were a little lackluster, so I felt like I had to jump in as the adult in this podcast.

We are talking about consenting human adults having doggy style sex. I just couldn't resist a doggy joke now that I have a doggie on my lap. But we are breaking down doggy style in this episode because it is a great position, but I think a lot of people are nervous about it, hesitant. They feel like they can't quite get it right, and they just want to know a little bit more.

So we're going to break it down for you, and we're actually going into a level of detail that we don't usually go into because this is the level of detail that we get into in our Ultimate Sex Positions Guide.

Yes.

Right? Like, and we do this for 42— God, it might at this point, it might even be more than 42 positions. It's like 42 plus.

We're gonna be adding some very soon.

We are going to be adding some. So it's for, I would say, 42 to 50 positions. And we really break it down into a lot of details. We're really excited to do this episode because if you don't have Ultimate Sex Positions, from us, then you have no idea what level of detail you go to. I think most people are like, oh, you know, oh, a sex positions guide. All you do is like show the position.

Oh no.

But just showing the position doesn't help. That's what we hear from most people is like, oh, I got one of those kind of like gag gift sex position guides or looking at the Kama Sutra or something. And it's like, so I see a picture and I'm supposed to replicate this picture, but how the heck do I get into it? Do we even fit? Like, am I gonna hurt myself? Okay, we're here. What the heck do we do now? How do we get out? So many people are like, okay, I got in here, but I don't think I can get out in the same way.

Help, I can't get out.

So yeah, okay, so there's those little logistics. But beyond just the logistical, like, how do I get in? How do I get out? How do I not hurt myself? Then there's also like, how do you actually move? And I think people assume, oh, well, it's supposed to be this natural, like, oh yeah, you're just there and you start thrusting. But it turns out in most of the positions, especially beyond the kind of old standby ones, there are a lot of little nuances. And so Vanessa and I spent a really long time. We had to do a lot of research, guys.

It was so hard.

A lot of research. It was real hard. It was hot. It was steamy. Oh. But we did it. We did it a lot.

To make this guide for you.

To make this guide for you. So our blood, sweat, and tears have gone into this.

Not blood.

No, okay, not blood. Our dogs also haven't gone in, you know, all that stuff. But no, anyway, we are so proud proud of that, of that guide.

And also not the tears. We didn't, we didn't cry. There's a joy, sweat, pleasure.

It's like the sweat emoji. It's like, is it sweat or is it a tear?

I don't know.

It's that emoji. But yeah, no, so we're really excited to be able to get to show you in all the detail.

Not show you.

Well, we can't show you, but you can tell you in all the detail that you would, you would see this written out in Ultimate Sex Positions. In addition, you would also see some very tastefully illustrated images of how it actually looks, because it's one thing to describe, it's another thing to see. And I think either people hear the description or they see the picture, but you really need both. And that's what we do.

Okay, so let's start off with why we love doggy style, especially for people who— I think there are a fair number of people out there who just haven't tried it or don't do it very often. For me, my favorite thing about doggy is just it's so animalistic. It feels very intense. It feels wild, naughty, a little— I don't know if I would say taboo, but it feels naughty. It just feels like, yeah.

Was it also because it's impersonal? Is that part of it?

Yeah. Doggy style is fucking. You are fucking. Fucking. You're not making love.

Fucking, there's no G, just I-N apostrophe?

No, I think there is a G. Fucking. You are fucking. I hope you're not listening to this with your kids around. I mean, why would you listen to an episode about doggy style with your kids around? Okay.

If you're this far in and the kids are listening, turn this the fuck off.

Okay, yes, it is, yeah, it's just like raw and intense in that way. It is not sweet, tender. You're not making love to each other. Like, you are fucking each other.

Well, it's interesting that you say that, because I think that is when it is done in the sort of stereotypical way, or the way I think that most people assume doggy style is meant to be done, or the way that you see it in porn, or, you know, when it's portrayed in shows or whatever. Like, I think that is exactly that. It is very animalistic, and it's like you're just pounding it out.

Mm-hmm.

Right. And I think that's like, I, yeah, like, I, I love that. And also, like, I do find myself sometimes being like, it does feel kind of impersonal. I like, I like to see your face. I like to like, you know, and so I think that what's interesting is that with some of the, the modifications or the different ways to move in doggie that we like to get into, I think that there's actually you can make it a much more variable or diverse position in terms of vibes.

I think you can make it more intimate.

But most people don't realize that.

Yeah, it doesn't need to be— We're actually not big fans of the jackhammering.

Most women don't like the jackhammering. Yeah, I don't love that.

But there are ways to make it more intimate, but nobody's— You're not making love, making sweet, sweet love in doggy style. But yes, we will tell you some different ways to mix it up. But I mean, yeah, that is another benefit of it. There are a lot of variations of it too. There are different small twists that you can put on it to make it feel like a totally different position.

There's also a lot of positions that you can transition from doggy into. We're really just in this episode going to talk about doggy specifically, but in Ultimate Sex Positions, you'll see there are a couple other— it's beyond a modification into a totally different position, but that start in doggy. So doggy is a great starting point to move into some other positions. I think a lot of people think, oh, it's like doggy is sort of like— I think a lot of people are hesitant to get into it because it's like we have to basically stop whatever we're doing, stop penetrating, stop touching, and basically get up. One person has to, you know, assume the position, the other person has to get around and get up there, and then it kind of feels like, okay, once you're there, you have to do the same thing to get back to any other position. And I think it's actually people don't realize there are a number of other things that you can move into after that, which is cool.

I also think that doggy is a great position for female orgasm, and I think it doesn't get the credit that it deserves. I think most people would say who, you know, in a male-female couple, who would like doggy more? I think most people would say the man would, but I think it works really well for women because it's a misunderstood position. It's still misunderstood. But it's very easy to get clitoral stimulation in doggy style, which if you have been following us for any length of time, you know that we are all about the clitoral stimulation. Cuz the clitoris is the most sensitive part of a woman's body, just like the penis is the most sensitive part of a man's body. If you want a woman to feel a lot of pleasure and to have an orgasm, you have to have clitoral stimulation. Just like if you want a man to feel pleasure and have an orgasm, you have to have penile stimulation, but the problem is that most intercourse positions don't create a lot of clitoral stimulation or even make it difficult to get clitoral stimulation. We're getting stimulation, for us women, we're getting it in our vaginas, which just are not wired physically to feel a lot of sensation. So doggy style makes it really easy to get that very important clitoral stimulation because your legs are spread apart, your clitoris is easily accessible. So your partner can reach around and touch your clitoris while they are thrusting away back there, or you can reach down and touch your clitoris and go to town on yourself. And I think this works especially well for women who are on the shy side. Like sometimes we hear from women who say, yeah, I know I need that clitoral stimulation, but it just like, it feels a little bit embarrassing to do that in front of my partner.

Yeah, I don't like, I don't want him to I don't want him to see what I'm doing. Well, I get it because it feels like you're masturbating.

Yeah, I feel on display.

Even though every single guy ever in the world is gonna be like, yeah, hell yeah, it looks like you're masturbating. That's why it's fucking hot.

But in this position, you can touch yourself and your partner can't see what you're doing. So you won't get that feeling of being—

And you can't see them.

Yeah, you won't get that feeling of being totally on display. You're not looking, you know, making eye contact with them. So it works really well for women who might be otherwise a little bit shy or nervous about this.

And if the penetrating partner is reaching around, then the receiving partner, like the woman, can't actually— unless she's really looking between her legs— like she can't really see him touching her either. So it can kind of, you know, it's— yeah, it's just less, less vulnerable, I guess you could say. Though I will say, I think if the partner is reaching around to touch her clit, it does limit the amount of the speed of the thrusting that he can do. That turns it into a much more intimate position because your movement is going to be restricted because your arm is reaching around.

I hope you're watching this on video because Zane is really trying to demonstrate it right now.

Unfortunately, down here, I'm pretty sure the video cuts off right about here. So you're just seeing my hand go down. Oh wait, no, we have a wide shot. So I don't know, man.

You can also use a toy on yourself. So either you holding the toy, your partner holding the toy, but that can be another way to get that clitoral stimulation.

What about the balls? Are the balls slapping around towards the clit?

Kind of, but not enough for that to count.

Okay, you know, well, I can't see, I can't see around because I've never done it in front of a mirror, so, you know, just valid, valid question.

I think, you know, balls are slapping around, but it is not, it's not really hitting exactly the right spot and not quite enough for it to orgasm. But thank you for asking.

Maybe if you have real long hangy balls that slap around a little more?

No, because they still have to— they'd have to like slap past your penis.

Yeah, well, they're underneath the penis, so the penis is going into— I mean, they're positioned where if they were to swing up, they would smack the clit.

Okay, so as a man, what do you like about doggy style?

I— well, yeah, I mean, it's like you said, it's really animalistic. I like that unless you're doing some of the modifications that we'll talk about, me, the man, like the guy doing it, is very much in control of the pace. And so yeah, so that can be fun. And it can kind of feel like it's just an all right, like, let's go to town type of situation. I like being able to look down and see your ass right in front of me. That's pretty hot.

Okay, tell me about that because a lot of women are very self-conscious of this. They'll say, what is the view that you're getting? Are you staring straight at my butthole and does it look okay?

Yes, it looks great. Yeah, there's no way that you're not just looking straight at the butthole. That's part of it.

Just looking it right in the eye?

Yeah, it's winking at you.

And you think this is hot. It's not a gross thing.

Yeah, I know it's super hot. I mean, I can like reach down and like touch your butt too. If you want to get crazy. If you really want to speed along her orgasm, just a little lubrication, a little spit on your finger, and just around the outside.

Don't do spit.

Grab a little lube. That's better. Grab some lube. And just a tiny bit of pressure just along the outside. And you will shave a lot of time off of the situation. Oh, and then finally, there's also— it's also like I have a really good view of watching myself penetrate you, which is fun. It's like my own personal show. Because there's a number of positions, especially, you know, like missionary, it's really hard for me to see what's happening. I have to kind of like really get up in a push-up and like, you know, look down and kind of, you know, look away from—

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You almost, um, to see what's happening. Um, but, uh, and you know, there's a number of other positions where I can't really see what's happening. This one is very much like I can see it all except for I can't see your face, I can't see your breasts.

Okay, so in our ultimate sex positions, we have categories of what each position is good for. I think they're like 11 or 12 different categories, so can kind of quickly scan and organize positions. So doggy style is great for anal play. Like Vanessa mentioned, you are front and center there. So if you want a little extra stimulation with a finger, with a toy, it's very, very easy to do in doggy style. It's also great for anal intercourse, like if you want to have anal sex.

Yeah, it's probably the easiest position for, at least for initial penetration, because you can see exactly what you're doing because you will need to see.

We do have a category for animalistic sex, that like intense, just like raw feeling. Obviously, we have already talked about that. We talked about it being great for female orgasm. It's also great for power play. Like this is definitely a, you know, it's an intense position. The penetrating partner, like the partner in the back, has a lot of control over the person in the front.

Oh, speaking of control, another thing I like is like I can grab your hair.

Yeah, so yeah, you can incorporate like a little, you know, light hair pull. Yeah, hair pull. You can do some ass slapping. Yes. So you can incorporate like little elements of kind of BDSM light, if you want to say. And it can also be really great for like role-playing too. Like if you want to role-play like somebody being really dominant and somebody being really submissive, or somebody having a lot of control over the other person, like that's a great, great position to do that in.

Yeah, or just some kind of situation where it's like, you know, you shouldn't be doing what you're doing, or like student-teacher or something like that. This feels like that type of thing where it's like, oh yeah, I don't like— I don't even want to look at you.

Or like a frenemies kind of thing.

Heated rivalry.

Yeah, enemies, like I don't even want to look at you, but I want to fuck you kind of vibes. And then to take a real hard 180, doggy style can actually work really well for pregnancy sex.

Yes.

So for some people, we've heard some women say like, "This was the only position I could do when I was pregnant." Some people were like, "No, it wasn't super comfortable." So obviously it is totally dependent on the individual and on their unique body. But in general, it tends to be a pretty popular pregnancy sex position.

Yeah, well, I mean, I would imagine that unlike missionary where, you know, like if you have like a big tummy situation with a baby, you don't have anyone bumping into that. Of course, it is hanging down, which might present its own issues or discomfort. But, you know, depending on how it feels for you, you might prefer to have, you know, the baby bump be away from any of the action, which it very much is about as far away as it could possibly be for a sex position.

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How the heck do you do this?

Okay, so we're really just gonna break down to you, for you, how to get into doggy style. And I love talking about this stuff because you kind of touched on it a little bit earlier, but you know, So many of us feel a little bit self-conscious about the technique behind sex. We feel like, "I should already know how to do this. This is kind of embarrassing that I'm like not super confident at it." But we don't have any tools and resources to learn exactly what to do. So we love breaking this down in like a very shame-free way of, "Hey, don't beat yourself up. Don't feel silly or dumb or anything like that. Like we'll walk you through it." Okay, so the partner who is going to be penetrated gets down onto their hands and knees. The partner who's going to do the penetrating gets on their knees behind— We sometimes like to call them like partner O is the person being penetrated. Like think of—

There's a hole.

The O, there's a little hole, a circle that's being penetrated, and partner I is the one doing the penetrating.

Putting the I in the O.

Yeah, putting the I in the O. Could be the P in the V. Partner I is getting on their knees behind partner O, so you're facing the same direction. And you can put your knees in between partner O's knees.

Yeah, but partner I is on their knees sitting all the way up. Whereas partner O is like hands and knees. So together you kind of look like a table.

Okay, now here's the thing. Getting that initial penetration can sometimes be a little tricky.

Yeah, we need partner O's help. A lot of like guiding hands.

So this is something that I think a lot of people get wrong about intercourse, that it is okay and sometimes even completely necessary to have guidance in that initial penetration. I think so many people put pressure on themselves thinking the penis is just supposed to like get sucked up into the vagina perfectly, like no, nobody needs to guide anything, nobody needs to figure out the right spot, it's just supposed to like go straight in there.

Or at least like slip right in. I think I used to have that idea that like, oh, it's so— because, you know, you hear like, oh yeah, like the, you know, when the woman gets excited, she gets like naturally lubricated. And then it's like, oh yeah, well, it should just slip right in. And what I came to realize is, okay, yeah, once we've been having sex for a little while and I pull it out, then yes, there is natural lubrication all over the place and I can just slip it right in. But like that initial penetration, there's often some friction. We got to get it into the point where there is the natural lubrication. So I mean, that depends on everyone's body. Like, you know, you may produce more or less, or, you know, it gets to the external area fairly quickly or it doesn't. But yeah, like, if, if, if you're not just immediately like wet everywhere, then yeah, using your own hand to help guide your partner in is so important.

I also want to be really careful to say like, if you're experiencing a lot of friction, use lube. —like it should not feel like something that you're having to like work really hard. You certainly, as the woman or the person being penetrated, like you shouldn't feel discomfort. You definitely shouldn't feel pain, so I just want to be careful about saying that. But yeah, like the initial penetration in a lot of positions often requires guidance, like finding the right hole, figuring out how to get into the hole, using your hands, Like, it requires some work. And we've heard from so many people who will say that they, they attempt doggy, they'll start it, but then they get embarrassed because they can't figure out where the hole is and where they're going, and it feels kind of awkward, and then they give up. So I really want to normalize using your hands and getting some guidance. So I think if you are the person doing the penetrating, use one hand to find your partner's vagina, their butthole, wherever it is that you're gonna stick it. Find that hole with your fingers so you know exactly where it is. You can also give your partner a little stimulation while you're doing it so it's not this like very cold clinical like, "Ah, where's the thing?" Or use your finger to apply some lubrication. Yes, and then use your other hand to wrap around your shaft and to guide yourself. So you've got one hand is, you know, in the hole, around the hole, and then your other hand is guiding yourself to it. I think it's easiest if you as a penetrating partner, like use one of each of your hands to like to help get in there.

I also will say as a penetrator in doggy, penetrator sounds really—

I was like perpetrator. That's what it sounded like.

I think like, I don't know, I was thinking like Predator. Uh, as I know, I saw an ad. No, no, I saw an ad for like, uh, the, the Predator TV show, like the sci-fi thing. Not, uh, not like To Catch a Predator, to be clear. Um, but no, as penetrator.

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I think personally, and maybe it's only me, I'm curious if other guys out there feel the same way. I am consistently surprised at the angle of penetration that is required. Somehow in my head, when you're flipped over, I'm thinking that I need to go straight in or even slightly down, but it's really much more like a horizontal, almost like 45-degree angle. The vaginal canal is— because you're in a weird position where when you're lying on your back, like in missionary, I have a pretty good sense of like, okay, what direction my penis is going to go in. When you are in doggy, your pelvis, your hips and stuff are not your pelvis, you're angled. And so I'm always surprised that it's like, it's actually kind of got to go up almost, not down. And so that always kind of trips— I think that maybe a lot of guys might be trying to put it in straight and not realizing You gotta get it in and then let it go upward.

Then once you are in, here's how you're going to move. The person being penetrated, you have two options. You can just enjoy the ride. You're just there. You're not really moving. You're just working basically on staying upright because you're being slammed into and it's pushing you forward. Just try not to move. It requires some effort to keep yourself upright.

But slam on the brakes.

Or you can try thrusting back against your partner. And you can do that one actually in two ways. So you could have your partner stay still and you're just thrusting back against them so that way you are fully in control. Or it could be that you're thrusting back into your partner as your partner is thrusting into you. I will say for that, that's That's kind of an advanced thing.

You're also increasing the risk that you might slip out.

Yeah, or that if you guys aren't perfectly in sync with each other, it's going to start feeling a little like, "Let me lead. No, let me lead," kind of thing. I would not attempt that until you feel fully comfortable and confident and you guys know each other's rhythm.

As the penetrator, Partner I, you're going to want to hold on to Partner O's hips while you are thrusting your hips back and forth, basically.

Because that gives you a lot of leverage.

Yeah, so that, yeah, that gives you something to hold on to. If you're, if you just like have your hands behind your head or whatever, like you're going to struggle to have much leverage to really, to really get your thrust on. So yeah, if you want more control and actually to be able to like thrust into something, you're going to need to hold on to them. So grab their hips and just start thrusting. Alternately, you can also focus on kind a bit more grinding. So that would be, you know, you're, you're more penetrated all the way and kind of focus on, you know, more grinding motion. So maybe around, you know, a bit more around in a circle or not very deep penetration. You're already deep, just kind of slight in and out type of thing.

Oh, you know, one thing that we forgot to mention with getting that initial penetration is that it also really depends on the height the relative heights of your hips. And depending on— like, Zan and I have a foot height difference between the two of us. So our hips are very often not in the same plane or position or anything like that. Yeah, that's true.

I'll have to kind of spread— like when I get onto my knees, I will have to spread my knees a bit so that I lower the height of my hips relative to Vanessa.

There's a bunch of different things that you can do. Yeah, you can each play with with opening your legs versus keeping your knees like closer together. So if you open your legs wider, like Xander says, your belt— your, your body and like your hips are going to come down lower. But if you have your knees closer together, then your hips are going to come up higher. Another thing you can do if you're just really off is you could have your partner, like the penetrating partner, standing where the penetrated partner is on the bed. Obviously this one depends on the height.

You might have to be quite tall as the penetrator here, but also depends on if you have a low bed, a high bed, it totally changes, you know, it's completely different.

But standing could be something different. You could also try putting a pillow under somebody's knees. That, you know, that's something that you could play around with too. Or you could try doing doggy style like on different surfaces too, to see like, okay, maybe if I am on the couch and then they're kneeling, or you know, you can kind of play around in your house house and look for different heights. But yeah, it is challenging for some couples if you have like a big height difference being able to— You need like, you need a bit of a height difference because if you are exactly the same height, you're also going to have some issues, but you just have to play around.

Yeah, I mean pro tip, like you can role-play this with your clothes on just like, oh, how would it work if we did doggy here? How would it work if we did it here? You know, just sort of like getting, okay, like, is my pelvis aligned with, with her pelvis? Okay, cool. I think that might work. Or like, oh, whoa, we're like wildly misaligned, or I'm having to kind of like really spread my legs in order to get to your level. Maybe that's, you know, whatever furniture or whatever configuration you're in, maybe that one's not going to work so well.

Okay, now let's talk about some ways that you can play around once you're in position.

How do you make this a little more interesting?

You've mastered the basics of it. Now you want to like kind of play around a little bit. Okay, so I will— I'll walk through the, the female partner or the penetrated partner, you know, some options for you. So one thing that you can do is change the position of your arms. So if you're on your hands and knees, try moving your hands out further away from your body, or try putting them closer to your legs. You've got to play around with the angle, and It just changes the angle of your hips, which it seems like a small thing, but it can make a very big difference. So play around with going further out, going closer together, and see what feels better for you.

What about, you could also get down onto your like elbows more.

That's literally what I was about to say next, is getting down onto your elbows instead. That's going to put your butt like way up in the air, really change the angle of it. But it can also be, for some people it can be easier to be down on your elbows versus on your hands. But it's a really different sensation for either one. And you can go back and forth between them as well.

Yeah, absolutely. I think that's the thing people like don't— people— It's Toyota Truck Month.

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People get like in their head of like, oh, we're only doing one position. But even within this single position, if you are constantly changing the angle of penetration, you're constantly changing kind of the speed, or the vibe. Like if both partners are making little adjustments, you can create a whole variety of experience and really make it feel like you've done a number of positions even if you are technically only doing one.

You can also play around with your legs. So I already talked about, you know, like pulling them further apart versus closer together. You can also try playing around with having your legs inside of your partner's legs versus— This is a good one. Outside of your partner's legs. This is a really good one. It really can make a big difference. So I would definitely like try playing around with all those combinations. Yeah, putting the—

putting her legs together in between, like where, you know, where my legs are then outside of her, that creates definitely a different sensation. It kind of like— it feels tighter, I guess you could say, because, you know, you're basically like kind of squishing your vaginal wall together by bringing your legs together. And so yeah, that, that can be fun. That's just a different experience. Um, you know, it's kind of hard to go, you know, maybe quite as fast with the penetration like that, but it definitely feels very intimate.

And finally, a nifty little trick that you can try is try crossing your ankles. Oh, that can make for an extra tight fit. If that's something that you're interested in experiencing.

All right. So then as the penetrator, a couple of things that you can do. So you are, like we said, you're very much or not very much, you're generally more in control of the pace and of the thrusting. And so you can experiment with the pace, obviously, but on top of that, you can experiment with the depth of penetration of how deep you are thrusting because you have the ability to really you know, thrust into your partner like very deeply. So before just having at it, definitely go slow and get a sense from your partner, hey, how does it feel when I, you know, go really, really deep? Like how deep can I go? Because, you know, you might find that your partner is really enjoying that. You might find that that's too much for your partner. I think that you are able to get much more deep than in many other positions in this one. Because of the way your pelvises can really kind of lock into each other. So I think it's important to figure out, okay, yeah, what type of depth is too much for my partner? Is there too much, or do I not need to worry about that? And so, yeah, playing around with, okay, like, do we do just some really deep penetration, you know, and like mostly stay in there and just come out a little and go deep? Or is it, are we trying to go, you Full, all the way out, all the way in? Are we, you know, you can play around with playing around, like penetrating really just around the entrance to the vagina as well since you have control of the hips. And so you could be a little further out. That can really give you, give both of you a range of stimulation. I think that, I, you know, I know with us, like I know you really enjoy shallow penetration. I think that most women really enjoy shallow penetration because there's, you know, deep in the vagina there are not a lot of nerve endings. There are more nerve endings towards the outside. Yes.

I mean, I like a mix of both, but definitely doggy style has the potential to create some discomfort and pain on the receiving end if you're going really hard. So I definitely like second your recommendation of checking in with your partner about how deep they like it. You can, like, in doggy style, it's pretty easy for you to hit the cervix. And the cervix for most women is either going to feel like a kind of dull thudding, like, ooh, that doesn't quite feel right, or it's going to actually be painful. So you want to talk to your partner if, you know, and see like, yeah, what level of depth feels good, what level of, you know, intensity feels good, because you, you do want to be careful not to cause any sort of pain.

And then one more thing that you can do, which is fun, and I think a lot of people don't think of this or don't realize this is an option. So obviously, as the penetrator, you know, I think most people are assuming, okay, yeah, like I'm doing the penetration. You can also not move at all. You can grab her hips or, you know, kind of like around her quads, and you can pull your partner back and forth, basically. So you can give yourself the penetration, so to speak. Like, you can basically make them fuck you, so to speak. And that can be super hot. That can be fun because it's a different feeling. Like, I know for me, it's a different feeling when I feel like I'm actively making the movement versus you feeling like you're moving on me. So it feels different. And also, it can afford the the giver a very nice view when you're getting to watch that happen. So definitely something to try out if you haven't.

Okay. And then getting out of position. This one is a relatively easy one to get out of. Really, as the penetrating partner, all you're going to do is just sit back and pull out.

But I would say go slow because of that angle thing that I was talking about. This is one where if you really quickly pull back, you could cause a bit of popping or suction, I think, because if you are kind of— it's really hard to explain this without video. So you're watching, great. Because you're kind of up at this angle, if you just pull back, your penis is going to kind of like, I don't know, come out with more force than you think because it's not coming straight out. It's kind of having to flip out a bit. So definitely just come out slowly. So come out slowly.

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Some of your questions about doggy style. We put up a question box on Instagram. We're @vanessazander. If you have not followed us yet, definitely come on over and join our Instagram community. But we put up a question box and we said, you know, what challenges do you guys have with doggy? What questions do you have? We want to hear it all. We got so many great questions. So let's see how many we can get through.

All right. So the air can be a challenge sometimes and it makes everything so dry down there. How can we prevent that from happening?

Okay. So this is— I mean, this person's talking about queefing.

This is like the opposite of what I was talking about of getting out where, you know, yeah, you pull out too much, you can create a suction. Obviously the opposite can happen in the other direction.

Let's talk about queefing. Queefing is what happens when the penis pushes air into the vagina. The air can get trapped in there. It has nowhere to go to, so it has to escape. So people often say it sounds like a vagina fart, and a lot of women get very embarrassed about this, and they want to know, what do I do ahead of time to prevent myself from queefing? Here's the thing though, this is my hot take about queefing. Queefing is not your fault. It is your partner's fault. He is the one pushing that air up into you, and that air just has nowhere to go. It just has to escape. So I think rather than feeling embarrassed about it, the next time you queef, you should just look at your partner and say, "Excuse you." On top of that, I might even say, well, it's doubly his fault because his penis, his dick is too big.

It's not giving enough space for the air to come out, right? So like, the solution— I hate to say it— the solution is, is find a smaller penis. If you have a small enough penis, you're not going to queef because the air is going to be able to come out around the penis. But all it says is your penis is big enough that there is, you know, no space for the air to come out. So it's a good— it's a sign that you are a good fit together, I would say. I don't know if I'd say I'm trying to find a way to compliment these guys. Yo, your dick His penis is so big, you made her queef.

No, sorry, don't listen to him. He has no idea what he's talking about. Queefing doesn't have anything to do with the size of the penis. It's about the way that your bodies line up together. But anyways, going back to this, like, yeah, you cannot, the only thing that you can do to prevent queefing from happening is to not have intercourse. If it bothers you that much, don't have intercourse. But obviously, like, that's not a good solution, right? Like, this is just one of those things about sex that we need to normalize. If you are thrusting a penis into a vagina, you're gonna have some queefing. Just like, you know, even in other positions, like you get that little chest squelch when your chest gets sweaty. Oh yeah, the chest fart. Yeah, the chest fart. Like, there's farting noises, there's stomach gurgling, you might actually fart, you're gonna sweat on each other, there's bodily fluids. Like, sex just is messy and that's okay. We really just have to normalize it.

I think there's also a reframe here, which is now that you know what queefing is, queefing is a sign of good sex, basically. Like, can you reframe that as, that's hot? Like, great. Like, wow. Like, I mean, I think it's hot. Like, okay, yeah. Like, that means we're— we must be having good sex. That means like, I must be really getting after it, that this is happening. Like, unless it is feeling painful.

For you. I just saw the air can be a challenge and my brain just like instantly went to queef because that comes up all the time, especially with doggie. But I think actually they're talking about something else because she said it makes everything so dry down there. Yeah, what are we talking— wait. Wait, we're not talking about queefing here. That was a great rant, though. Okay, it was a great rant. Okay, the air can be a challenge and it makes everything so dry down there.

Like the air where you live?

The air conditioning? Is she saying like— Is this even relevant to— Her legs are spread apart, like there's more air getting there? I don't know.

Or is this just a totally not applicable to doggy style question that we all assumed was about weeping?

I'm so confused. Okay, so—

Hey, if you wrote this in, let us know. Give us some more clarification.

Yeah, if you're on Spotify, leave us a little comment. Or if you just think you know what this question means, Let us know because I'm a little confused. Bottom line though is if you're feeling dry, then use lube. People get so self-conscious about using lube, but lube is amazing. Every couple should be using it. It increases sensation. It makes everything feel better and sexier and hotter. There's no reason not to use lube. Especially if you're feeling dry, absolutely use lube.

Yes, that's an easy answer. But I would still love to know what about doggy is drying things out. But hopefully lube will just solve that problem for you. For you.

Okay, Xander, I'm gonna ask you the next question. Okay. I've been self-conscious since Cosmo first wrote about anal bleaching. How to get over that insecurity of him seeing my butthole? I know I already asked you this earlier, but I'm, I'm curious to get your take on anal bleaching. Like, do you think women should be bleaching their buttholes? Well, no.

Like, I mean, I mean, it's just like parts of our bodies are a different color. Like, your nipples are not your skin color. You're like, your vulva is not your skin color, but we're not like, "Oh my god, I need to bleach my vulva so that it's like less pink and more skin tone color." Like what? Like that seems— I mean, some people do. That seems wild.

Have you ever seen a butthole and just been like, "I think I would like this butthole if it was lighter." No. Have you ever looked at a butthole and been like, "That's a real brown butthole." I mean, buttholes are typically darker color than your skin. Well, if you liked it, it wouldn't have been like that. Butthole's too dark. No, that's crazy.

I mean, it's not crazy. I understand why people think that. And it's really sad that places like Cosmo, all those magazines back in the day have created content that has scared women about this. I've never once thought about about the color of a butthole other than, you know, it is a different skin tone, just like various parts of our bodies have different skin tones. That's kind of just how it is.

Okay. You heard it from Xander. You don't have to bleach your butthole.

Don't worry about it. Yeah, that sounds painful, man. All right. Our next question: "Feels like less of a connection since we can't look at each other. How do we make it stronger?" I think they mean the connection stronger.

Yeah, I mean, I would say talking to each other is a great way to like feel a little bit more connected. I would also say the person who is do— so the person being penetrated, like there's not much you can do. You're just kind of like holding on for dear life trying to stay upright.

You can try to turn your head, but like you can't really— I'm trying right now— you can't really get all the way around, and if you do, it looks like you're kind of like leering at your partner.

But the guy could use his hands to like touch his partner's body. So like caress your partner, you know, touch them. But I think in general the talking is gonna be the best way to create the connection. I would also just say though, like, this is not a— we kind of already said this is not a position of like making love.

Yeah, this isn't the most intimate position there is. So if your only goal during intercourse is it has to feel super intimate and strongly connecting, then maybe this is a position to avoid. But if you can accept, hey, there's sometimes I want a different vibe or a different feeling for part of the sexual experience, then this can be that part. I will say other little ways though, like on top of what you mentioned. So really earlier on when we were talking, you know, I was saying if he is reaching around to touch her clit, like he can't really like thrust as hard, that's gonna bring your bodies naturally closer together. So something like that can help create more intimacy, obviously you're just not gonna have eye contact. So that element is not going to be there no matter what we do, unless you want to put a mirror right in front of you. But it still won't feel the same because your eyes are far away from each other.

Well, actually the mirror could be a nice way to feel more connected.

That could be something to try. Do it in front of a mirror. Another thing that you can do, actually, which we didn't talk about, I should have added this as things to kind of play with, as the penetrating partner, you can also kind of bend over a bit. And grab her breasts, that will bring you much more in line with her body and get your head pretty close. You might even be able to kiss her neck and stuff. So that I think would feel way, way more connecting. You can whisper in her ear, you can nibble on her ear, you can kiss her neck. So that will definitely heat things up, though still you're not really going to be able to have that eye contact. But if you can set that aside, then those are ways because also not only are you close, you're gonna be really limited in how hard you can penetrate. It's gonna be a much more, much more of a grind or a slow movement, which will also feel again more intimate.

Yeah. Okay. Here was the question I thought I was answering earlier. Why do I queef so much after doggy? Yeah. So doggy is a particularly queef-prone position because there's so much like in and out thrusting. Yeah. There. Yeah. In, you know, a lot of the ways that people are doing it. So it's just pushing more and more and more air up into it. But again, it's a normal thing. I don't think it's worth, you know, actively trying to avoid it. You're just gonna ruin your experience. Just normalize the queef. Okay, Xander, let me ask you this one. We have an issue with it slipping out so much. How do we enjoy it?

Well, one, I think if this is constantly happening, you're probably just going too hard. One or both of you is going too hard with the movements. That's, that's number one.

I think it's likely that they're both trying to move and they're throwing each other off. Yeah, that, that's likely.

So maybe just Try saying, "Hey, only one person is in charge of movement at a time, and you can switch off if you want to." But yeah, so one person. So I know for me, if I'm penetrating, I have a pretty good sense. I mean, I can feel my penis going in and out. I can tell how far in or out I am. I have general body awareness. So I think that, yeah, as the penetrator, in general, you should have a sense of, "Okay, am I at risk of slipping out here?" If you are still finding that, then I would say maybe trying to do all the way in, all the way out isn't for you. Go with, you know, some of those variations we were talking about where you're much closer and you're doing more of a grind. You know, don't try to do, you know, super duper slammy type of movements. All right. My partner says this position hurts her and feels too deep. How can we take away the pain? What adjustments can we do? Yeah.

So you're definitely, going too deep and too hard. I would focus more on being shallower, trying to do more of a subtle movement, maybe doing the grinding thing that we had talked about earlier.

Yeah, and discussing in the moment how deep is too deep, because you, the penetrator, you need to know, okay, I can't go past this point. Yeah. So I'm guessing that you guys haven't had very good communication in the moment. It sounds like she has said to you afterwards, ooh, that was a little too much for me, or the way that she shared that with you, you stop, "Oh God, we got to stop doing this," in the moment. What you got to do if both of you want to keep doing this position is, "Okay, hey, we're going to get into this really slow. We're going to start really slow and let's communicate about how it is for you. I need to know where the max point is so that I can dial it back." Yeah.

Another thing that you can try is this. So doggy can be a really painful position if the guy is well end out. Because you're just going straight in there. So there is a product— this is not sponsored, I'm just sharing it out of the goodness of my heart— called the O-Nut, where it's basically like a little silicone doughnut and you put it over your penis, like down to the base of your penis, so it creates like a little bumper.

A little penis pillow. Yeah, where you—

pillow bumper— you cannot go in all the way because you, it, you you stop at the bumper. The bumper hits her body and it stops there. And so the O-Nut, it's adjustable. There are different multiple donuts that you can add depending on how large you are. But it gives you the feeling of still feeling fully enveloped and covered, your penis, but it makes for shallower penetration for her. So that can be a real lifesaver.

In this position or really any.

And I will say, guys, this is a prime example of why bigger is not always better. I know men are so obsessed with having like a huge penis, but truly that is not what women want. It causes more pain and discomfort and just issues than an average-sized penis. So just had to throw that out there too. All right, um, last question. Zayn, I want to ask you this one. As the girl, I feel like I'm not doing enough in this position. How can I do more?

Well, I mean, you don't want to be like the person that wrote in a little while ago saying we had this issue with it slipping out all the time. Like, I think this is a position where you don't need to do much unless you want to switch up the position and be— you be the one doing the movement. Like, I think there's not really that much for you to do other than, you know, Vanessa described, you can get into different angles. You can, you know, get down onto your elbows. You can get up on your hands. You can shift. Where your hands are placed so that you're adjusting the angle of your hips. So those are things that you can do. You can talk dirty to your partner. You can tell them what you want them to do. Oh, slap my ass, pull my hair, grab my breasts, whatever it is. So physically you may not be doing very much movement, but you could direct your partner and what you want them to do to you. So I think there's a lot of ways that you could be involved. That being said, this is worth a conversation with your partner because a lot of men really love this position just because they are totally in control. And if your partner enjoys that, then there's no reason— I don't think he's not expecting you to be doing much in this position. It's more of a sit there and take it type of thing. So if that's— if he likes that vibe, then I think that you're doing a great job if you're not doing anything. As long as it's enjoyable for you. So this just feels like a conversation for the two of you. Though there are a bunch of things that we said in this episode that you could do to get more involved. But I would say talk about it because the last thing you want to do is just start doing a movement that he's unaccustomed to in the middle of it. And all of a sudden, it's popped out and you're slamming the penis into something you don't want to slam it into.

All right. Well, that wraps up our deep dive into doggy style. So if If you enjoyed this and you want to learn this level of depth and detail about 41 other positions, then definitely check out our Ultimate Sex Positions. We will link to it in the show notes. It's really such a fun guide. I think positions are, positions are just fun to experiment with. It's one of the easiest, simplest ways to spice things up in the bedroom, to get out of your routine, to feel like you're rediscovering each other, like exploring each other. It's just such a great, easy thing to do with each other, but it's like a maximum bang for your buck kind of thing. It's like low-hanging fruit. So we love walking through all the ins and outs, pun intended, of different positions. And we also have a bunch of positions that are related to doggy style, like different ways to play. So we have upright doggy, standing doggy, lying doggy, cowboy doggy. A lot of little doggy variations in our ultimate sex positions. So make sure to check that out. We will put the link in the show notes, or you can go straight to vmtherapy.com/ultimate-sex. That's my initials, vmtherapy.com/ultimate-sex. That is all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening and join us again next week. We release new episodes every Thursday.