E261: ED, PE & Everything In Between: Your Performance Problems Solved (Part 2)

Waiting to take Viagra has killed the spontaneity in our sex life. How do we get that back? How do I bring it up to my partner that I think he may have a penis performance issue, but he doesn't seem to recognize it? What do I do if he loses his erection in the middle of sex? What would you want me to do if you lose your erection? Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin.

I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Today we are talking about penis problems again. We did an episode about this a while back and we put a call out to Instagram for all of your penis performance issues, penis performance problems, PPPs, and we got so many questions. It became pretty clear pretty quickly that we needed to do a part 2 episode as well. So today we are going to be sharing practical tips for handling challenges in the moment, bringing the spark back, and not letting a penis performance problem get in the way of both of you enjoying your sex life. And we're gonna let our resident penis haver—

Penis person? Designated penis person?

I don't like penis person. That's weird. Penis haver. Penis haver. Penis employer.

Penis guy.

Penis guy. Should that be your new title? Like, I'm a sex therapist and my husband is the penis guy.

That might give the wrong impression about what our business is or does and what I do in it. But, you know, for the sake of this podcast, sure.

Okay. So here's—

I'm your penis guy. Let's talk.

Here's our first question. I'm going to direct our questions at you. I'm taking ED meds, but I haven't told my wife. Is that something I need to share with her? What's your take on this?

This is an interesting question. I don't know if I have a simple yes, no. Like on the one hand, I would wonder like, why wouldn't you wanna share with your partner?

That's where my brain goes to right away.

Yeah, well, it's, yeah. First I go to, well, why wouldn't you? So why wouldn't you? Probably because you feel some amount of shame that you are taking the meds, right? Like I'm, I think that's kind of the only reason I can think of as to why you wouldn't wanna share is that, oh, she'll judge me, she'll think less of me. I don't really wanna fully admit to myself that I need to take ED meds. And so if I don't tell anybody about it, then I can just pretend that I'm not taking them even though I am. Um, because I think a lot of guys think, oh, I'm somehow lesser than if I need help, whether that is an ED medication, whether that's getting on like hormone replacement therapy, anything where that— where you are like Somehow not naturally yourself or the way that you were born to be, that somehow you're less of a man.

I mean, it fits into a broader stereotype that I think there is a lot of truth to it, that men struggle to ask for help in general.

Yes, I think men struggle to ask for help. Men won't quite go all the way, which is, hey, I'm struggling. One, I need some help. And two, part of getting that help is actually like talking with people about the help that I am needing and what I am going through. And I think that a lot of men will get to this point of like, okay, yeah, I guess I do need some help. But if I don't have to tell anybody, if I can get the help and not actually tell anybody about it, then like, then like maybe I didn't even need the help or something. Or like, or it's, it's, it's as if I didn't have to do as much of the vulnerable stuff.

Hmm.

So yeah, I, I can understand why you might not want to tell your partner. I think that there's a lot of fear that, oh, like, I'm, I'm somehow less of a man. And also, when it comes to sex, a lot of men think sex is the way that I provide physically in our relationship. It's, it's, it's so important. We built it up as this huge thing, like, oh, my, my penis is everything. It's the way that we have sex and the way that I give her a good experience and the way that I kind of measure up as a man. And if something is wrong with it, then something's wrong with me. Now, that being said, I would beg you to this guy to consider all the women that we have writing in all the time being like, hey, I think my guy might have an issue. How can I talk to him about getting some help? How could I get him on meds? How could I get him to talk to a doctor? How could I get him to just talk to me about it? We literally have women banging down our door being like, please.

Not literally.

Figuratively. We have figuratively.

Wait, that's such a California thing.

It is. Oh, God.

We use literally so much.

We literally have women banging on our door.

Oh, literally.

Yeah. So actually it's not literally and they're not banging, but.

Like 90% of the time we use literally and we don't actually mean literally.

So yes, we have women figuratively banging on our door that maybe we do or don't have since our house is under construction currently. But, you know, begging, help me get my partner to get help, help me get my partner to open up to me, to admit that maybe something is going on. Because spoiler alert, actually talking about what is going on with you will alleviate so much of the anxiety that is likely partially driving this penis problem. I think I mean, can you speak a bit to just penis problems in general and how, how, you know, how often it is an actual legitimate medical issue versus how often it is psychosomatic or a combination of the two?

Oh, I mean, I don't have specific data that I can point to, but anecdotally, like in my own experiences, I would probably say 80% of the time it's a psychological or a relational dynamic. It's actually quite rare for it to be a purely biological or medical— like, it definitely does happen. There are conditions, there are medications, there are, you know, illnesses and injuries, but it almost always is simply that you've gotten in your head.

So I would venture a guess that for a person like this that is taking ED meds currently but is deathly scared to tell their partner about it, that is creating a constant level of anxiety within you around sex and within kind of like just communication in general in your relationship. You're trying to keep something a secret from your partner. And so that creates a baseline level of anxiety for you, especially around sex. And so if you're feeling anxious around sex, every time you want to have sex, you have that anxiety, which is going to be counterproductive towards you, your body operating in the way that you want it. So you're taking ED meds, you're kind of forcing your body to respond. But I think I would be really interested to see if you were to let your partner in on what is going on for you and how helpful the ED meds are for you, how grateful you are that you did go to a doctor and get some help, and you are excited that you feel like, oh, I can— I have the ability to have sex whenever I want to now. It might be interesting to see if that anxiety goes away. And even if you dial back on the ED meds, who knows, like you might actually find yourself performing more the way that you used to without the meds, without all that anxiety that you've built up in your head. That's not to say that you don't need them, but I think that so many of us just think like it has to be this big secret or something. The other thing that I would say about this, on the other hand, I can see the perspective of like, it's my body, it's my medical situation, like, You know, if you operate in your marriage and your relationship where like, you know, you go to the doctor, maybe, you know, maybe you don't tell your partner about every single like medication that you're prescribed to or something like that. I could understand the idea of, okay, well, it's a medical prescription that my doctor made to me. It's between me and my doctor. I don't need to talk to, you know, I don't owe that information to anybody else. If that is how you operate your relationship, then I guess like, if you don't want to tell, you don't need to tell. That being said, I think most people would be like, well, it's generally a good idea to tell your partner what drugs you're prescribed to because if, you know, God forbid you have some unexpected interaction between things, it's helpful for somebody to know what you're on.

Yeah. Yeah, I would heavily advise you to tell your wife. I just, there's no good reason not to. I get that it feels vulnerable and maybe it feels a little embarrassing. Obviously we don't know any backstory why you might be hesitating to tell her this, but vulnerability is an essential component of our sex lives. So many of our questions that we get on a wide variety of topics, at the root of it is how do I avoid being vulnerable with my partner?

Yeah. How do I get XYZ without talking about ABC or without needing to be vulnerable at all?

But vulnerability is the whole freaking point. Like, we don't have relationships without vulnerability. We don't have intimacy without vulnerability. We don't have connection without vulnerability. So I'm never gonna give you tips for avoiding vulnerability. Maybe for making it a little softer, a little easier. Maybe I'll help you get the words for how to share it with your partner. But we're vulnerability junkies over here because it's important. So I definitely think that you should tell your wife. The other thing is your wife is gonna find out at some point, whether you like it or not, and that's going to hurt her. She's gonna wonder, why didn't you tell me? Why did you keep this a secret? And I bet that her brain is gonna go to, is there some other reason why you didn't want to tell me? Are you using these medications with somebody else? So I just think it's gonna be a way bigger deal when your wife inevitably finds out later than it will be taking 10 seconds to be a little bit vulnerable with her now.

Yeah, also, if there, there are some unintended side The side effects of not telling your partner too, that means that you're having to kind of like guess at when you should take them and take them in secret. And so that probably means you're going to end up taking them more often than you really need to. Like, what if you're like, oh yeah, I think we're definitely going to have sex in 20 minutes, so I'm going to pop one of these guys. And then your wife says no. And then, and then you've taken one and like, you know, like that's not necessarily pleasant. So yeah, like why would you wanna put yourself in that situation?

Okay, let's move on to the next question. How can I get out of my head about my PE? Oh, and you know what? We didn't really go over the acronyms before we even launched in.

Oh yeah, God.

So let's back up for a second. We're really talking about 3 major penis issues here. ED is erectile dysfunction, otherwise known as having difficulty getting or keeping an erection. PE is premature ejaculation, orgasming too quickly.

But there is no real threshold for what that truly means. There's no medical definition.

Exactly. It's not like, oh, if you last 2 minutes, less than 2 minutes, you have PE. It's more broadly defined by the person, the penis owner themselves saying, I feel like I don't control, I can't control my ejaculation. I'm just like doing it very quickly. Then we also have delayed ejaculation, which actually I'm not sure if we have any questions about that.

No one calls it DE.

No one calls it DE, yeah, which is strange. Delayed ejaculation is that you struggle to orgasm or it takes you a very long time to get there. Those are the 3 main ways that the penis can go awry. Okay, how do I get out of my head about my premature ejaculation? This person is orgasming quicker than they want to be orgasming. I get anxious before sex and it makes it worse.

My first question would be, all right, let's set aside the anxiety that you have. What does sex look like for you and your partner when you have it? I would imagine if you are very consistently getting in your head about this, the timeline of a sexual interaction looks like it does for most people, which is a couple, you know, 30 seconds of making out, couple minutes of fumbling around, taking clothes off, touching each other, a little manual stimulation, maybe a tiny bit of oral stimulation. And then once you're hard and ready to go, you're straight on to intercourse where basically the assumption with that type of sex and that type of timeline is that it's all about getting to the point of intercourse because that's the real sex. And that is where— that's where the experience and the pleasure are meant to be had and maximized for both partners. If that's the type of sex that you're having, that puts a hell of a lot of pressure on your penis. It puts all the pressure on your penis.

And not in a good way.

Yeah, not in a way that's gonna make you come really fast, especially if you've started coming quickly. Then of course, as soon as you're getting hard, you're thinking about, oh God, is it gonna happen again? It's probably gonna happen again. Then you start, oh God, oh God, this is getting out of control. This is, I can't stop. What do I do? Oh no, no, it's happening again. Right? But interestingly, like, what is the definition of insanity? Is doing the same thing over and over and over expecting a different result. My first piece of advice here, and then we can turn it over to Vanessa Marin, our resident therapist here who has worked with tons and tons of men on this to give some other ideas. But my first advice would be change the way that you are having sex. Prioritize her pleasure first. Before you do anything with your penis, right? You're kind of acknowledging the situation that you're in. Hey, once my penis starts getting stimulated, it's like a ticking clock, and that clock doesn't go for very long. And if that happens, then I feel like I'm inadequate. I feel like I haven't been able to please my partner. It's been a bad experience for both of us. So let's acknowledge that. That is the current situation. So what are we going to do? We're going to focus on her first. We're going to make sure that she has a really great time. And I would even say at the very beginning, let's give her a full orgasm before we even move on to you. But for now, just 100% give her an orgasm with your hands and/or with your mouth or both. That way, you're changing your definition of sex. So sex starts with me just really focusing on my partner, giving her the very best experience that we can give her, making sure, guaranteeing that she is going to come away from this sexual interaction completely satisfied with an orgasm. What most guys find is that once they take the pressure off of them to perform during intercourse, things start to fall into place because then you've short-circuited that anxiety. The anxiety is, God, I'm not going to last long enough for her to have a good time. Time. You've already given her a good time. But I think that most, most people find that once they take that pressure off of themselves, all of a sudden they're like, oh great, that I can actually enjoy this experience more. And they find themselves not coming quite as quickly. But I'm curious, what if this guy's like, oh well, we— that's what we already do and it's still killing me. Like, what else could he do?

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And it looks fancy.

Elevated. It's not pajamas. Elevated. It's cashmere.

It doesn't look like pajamas, but it feels like pajamas.

I was actually so obsessed with it. I bought it twice. And this is my own money. This was not because they're a podcast sponsor. I bought it two times with my own money in gray and in black.

It looks great. I encourage you to wear this every day.

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Yeah, that's great.

That is quince.com/pillow. Pillow for free shipping and 365-day returns. quince.com/pillow. Yeah, I mean, you covered it super well. That, that's definitely the main advice that I give too, is, you know, really being able to focus on your partner because that builds your confidence up so much. Truly, a lot of these penis performance issues are issues of confidence. So the more that you're able to build your confidence up, the better. But I think that Another big dynamic that comes up is when you start getting into your head, it feels like any time that you get into your head feels like a failure. Like you're going into everything telling yourself, don't get into your head, don't get into your head, don't get into your head. Ah, I'm in my head. Ah, I fucked it up again, right? And so I think that we need to break that cycle. And it's important to recognize you are going to get into your head. There is no way to just flip this switch and all of a sudden you go from getting anxious about it to not being anxious about it, like you're in this cycle right now and you can't immediately hop out of it. So instead, if you normalize that and expect that, hey, I'm gonna get into my head. This is just the little cycle that I'm in right now. I'm gonna get into my head and it's okay. So ironically, giving yourself permission can make the anxiety come, like the anxiety levels come down a little bit. So what I would do is I would remind yourself, I would come up with, some other goal or some other thing that you want to think about during sex. So most people are like, oh, I just don't want to— I don't want to think about, you know, have that anxious thought of like, I'm going to come too fast, I'm going to come too fast. But you can't tell yourself, don't think about X. Like, when you say don't think about X, you're thinking about X. That's automatically in your head.

You're guaranteeing that you're going to think about it. Yeah.

So we have to come up with something else. So I would think of What is a different goal that you have for sex rather than just last longer? So if you're with a committed partner, you know, which I assume you are because this is, you know, that's the target audience, our target audience here with Pillow Talks, um, you know, I would think like, I want to feel intimate with my partner, I want to feel connected to my partner, I want to give my partner a good time, whatever that is. So I would have that on loop in your head. I'm gonna get into my head, I'm gonna— I know I'm gonna feel anxious, but I want to remind myself to focus on feeling connected with my partner. I want to remind myself to focus on just being present in the moment. I want to remind myself to focus on having more fun in the bedroom. So let the anxious thoughts be there, but also have some other goal that you're thinking about in the moment. Another Did you know that couples who get better sleep have more sex?

I mean, I, the more sleep I get, the more up for it I certainly am the next day.

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Great question is, do you masturbate regularly? And if so, what does that look like for you? If you are like most men, most men have trained themselves from a, you know, from puberty when they start masturbating to come very quickly. So if your masturbation, and also it's like, you know, a lot of us, it's like we feel this sort of shame or it's like, oh, we're not something we're, we're doing something that is generally accepted, but like no one wants to know about it. No one wants to see it, right? So it's like, it's gotta happen quick. It's okay, I got it. I got a little moment here. I'm alone, blah, like gotta, gotta, you know, bang this thing out, right? And so most of us get used to from a very young age just going all out, and honestly, very, very quickly, right? Most men don't stretch out the masturbation and, you know, kind of like enjoy it and take their time. But you could also work on training yourself with your own masturbation to start to get better at identifying, oh, when am I reaching that point of no return? How can I stop before that. Stop. No stimulation for 30 seconds. Then start back up again and just get more used to that feeling of what is, you know, what is it like? How, how close can I get to the edge and actually stop myself so that I don't get into the situation in the bedroom where it's like, oh God, like I can't even, like once I start, there's just no way to stop. Then you can translate that into the bedroom too. And talk, this includes needing to talk to your partner about this of, "Hey, I would love to, I'm trying to train myself to last longer during intercourse. And so, can we do something where we have intercourse for 30 seconds and then we take a break and I'll finger you for a couple of minutes or I'll go down on you and then we'll start back up again?" So you can, because I think so many people just get in their head once intercourse starts, that's all that's on the menu. And you can stop, you can take a break. We take breaks all the time. It's great. Like, and yeah, and like as a guy, you can really, I know for me, like I can tell the moment that I go from like full hardness to like a slight decrease. And then that is the moment to start back up again. You know, it's not necessarily a full reset, but it's definitely a very much a partial reset. And that can really help.

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Okay, next question. Waiting to take Viagra has killed the spontaneity in our sex life. How do we get that back?

Okay. I mean, if this is— if this is a true, like, true medical issue and you're prescribed Viagra, I mean, you can absolutely talk to your doctor about getting a different prescription because Viagra is not the only ED medication. There are other medications. Viagra is a, is basically like a one-time use medication, my understanding of it. You take it, you know, 20 minutes later it basically is effective and it lasts for, I don't know, like some number of hours. There are other medications that are meant to not be like momentary that last for, you know, more like 48 to 72 hours and give you the ability to get hard.

Yeah. Similar to Viagra, you can do like a daily low-dose option like Cialis or something like that.

Yeah. So, you know, we're not medical professionals, but yeah, they're there.

And don't take that as medical advice. Talk to your doctor.

But yeah, no, I mean, I feel like there are more and more options that are coming out constantly and there's a whole variety of things. Viagra is only one of them. So definitely talk to your healthcare provider.

I want to say, though, my hot take is that spontaneity is is so overrated. And I think that people use spontaneity as an excuse to not actually put effort into their sex life.

Or not have to like really talk about it too much.

Yeah, like, and I don't blame people, to be totally clear. I'm not saying you're a bad person or anything like that. All that we have ever been fed about sex is all about spontaneity. Like fireworks. Yeah, if you're, you know, you just look at each other and it's on and you're supposed to feel this like wild, hot, passionate chemistry and it just happens. Nobody has to do anything. Nobody has to talk about it. So of course all of us have internalized that in our heads, that that's how sex is supposed to work. But that's not, and especially not in a long-term relationship. Most of us lead lives that are not very spontaneous. Like I always ask people, like you want spontaneous sex, where's the space in your life for spontaneity? What else do you do in your life that's spontaneous? If you're truly like a nomad and your life is completely spontaneous and you could do whatever you want, you have no kids, you have no pets, you have no responsibilities, you just like, have that space for it, sure, you can have a spontaneous sex life. But everybody else, we need to put some effort into it. We need some planning, we need some communication. And again, honestly, I believe that communicating and putting effort into it make our sex lives better. So I think that what you're really saying is, I want sex to still feel exciting. Let's differentiate spontaneous from exciting because we can still have exciting without the pressure and the, like just not— what's sort of like not possible of spontaneity? Like, improbability there. Not possibility.

Or just look for ways to— if you are truly like, spontaneity in some form or other in my life is so important and sex is the only place left that I can have it, I would challenge you, see if you can find some spontaneity in other areas of your life. Because you're shooting yourself in the foot if you're like, sex is the only place that I am willing and able to to get enjoyment out of spontaneity.

Yeah, I think again, it's— you can still have excitement, but you can create the space for excitement. I always think about— I always think about your friend. I won't name him. Your friend who never wants to plan anything.

Oh, he's gotten so much better.

He's a dad now. I know, I know. But like back in the day, he never wanted to plan anything and he always wanted to do these like spontaneous trips or spontaneous adventures and like Sure, maybe there's an example or two that you have of something worked out, like the stars all aligned.

Oh, yeah, very occasionally. But yeah, it was like chasing a high that was fewer and farther between.

But the vast majority of the times it's like, no, we can't just take a spontaneous trip to Spain because the tickets are stupid expensive and there are no hotels that we can rent. Or no, we can't spontaneously go out to dinner because that restaurant that we wanted to go to is completely booked up.

Yeah, it's like, oh, it's Friday night in San Francisco and like we can go to a crappy restaurant that no one is eating at. There's a reason no one's eating there. Or we can go somewhere good, but it's like 8 PM on Friday night and literally everywhere is slammed for 2 hours. Yeah.

So you can often have a lot more fun with a little bit of planning. You know, we travel so much now and we plan our trips like a year in advance. But we have so much fun because we've had the ability to like pick the places that we wanna go to and find cool adventures. And you know, I, so I know I'm going on a tangent here, but my point that I'm trying to make is that oftentimes creating the environment for excitement feels just as good, if not way better than just waiting around hoping that it's gonna fall into your lap. All that being said though, You can still have— so with Viagra, yes, there is this period of time between you take the pill and you're gonna get hard, but you don't have to just sit around waiting for somebody to get hard. Like, you can still spontaneously decide, "Hey, we want to have a fun night together tonight." "Okay, go grab your Viagra." And then you've got that fun 20 or 30 minutes or however long it takes your unique body to kick in. You've got that time for you guys to do some fun stuff together. Maybe you take a shower together. Maybe you have like a little sexy dance party together. Maybe you spend time picking out lingerie that she's going to wear. Maybe you talk through a couple of different roleplay fantasies and decide what you're gonna do. Maybe you make this game out of talking dirty to each other and seeing how riled up you can get before you're actually able to have sex. Maybe He spends 20 minutes focusing on her and giving her an orgasm before you even start. There are a million things you can do other than just sitting around like, okay, where's your boner? Come on, where's the boner?

Yeah, and it's not like you are completely useless sexually unless you're hard. Like, you got fingers, you got hands, you got a mouth. Like, yeah, I mean, I feel like you could be very spontaneous of like, oh, like, wanna fuck? Okay, boom, I'm taking my Viagra. All right, get down on the bed, you're getting a back rub. Um, all right, we're gonna— let's make out for a little while. Like, let's get her fired the fuck up, right? I—

or him, whoever it is.

Yeah, but I, I— yeah, I'm— yeah, I'm making, I'm making assumptions here, but, uh, I do think that Unless your partner is like, "Oh God, I don't want to do anything unless your penis is hard." And if that's your partner's perspective, that is maybe something you guys might want to talk about, because that's not very supportive. But I would imagine if your partner is a woman, especially if we were like, "Hey, so how would it sound to you if a typical sexual interaction looked like," like, you know, 15 to 20 minutes of real focused attention on you before you moved on to intercourse, 99% of women would be like, "Sign me up for that yesterday." Also, guys, placebo is a hell of a drug. If you take one of those things, in your mind, you're— there's not an actual clock running. Like, you might find that you get hard in 10 minutes or in 5 minutes just because the idea that something is going to happen. Is going to make it happen.

All right, I have another question for you. We actually did like part 1 of this in the original episode.

Okay.

So the question was, how do I bring it up to my partner that I think he may have a penis performance issue but he doesn't seem to recognize it? So in the first round of this, we answered that specifically about erectile dysfunction, like having a hard time getting erect. But let's talk about like premature or delayed ejaculation here. So let's imagine— I want to put— I want you to put yourself in this, in this scenario and tell me what you would want me to do. So I think that you're coming too quickly or you're taking way too long to come. What would be the best way for me to bring that up to you?

Okay, I think that— I guess let's start— let's— I feel like the approach for each of those situations would be different. So let's start with—

You're coming too quickly.

Yeah, I'm coming too fast. I think that you framing it as let's experiment, let's learn each other's bodies better, framing it as a really fun, exciting thing that we get to do rather than a, oh man, it's such a bummer that you're coming so fast. So I guess we're gonna have to like do this thing where we can only have sex for 30 seconds and then we switch to some lesser activity and then we go back to it for 20 seconds. And then, you know, like if you share it like that, like, well, that's super not supportive and you're going to make your partner— you're going to cause further damage and trauma to your partner.

Yeah.

And if that's truly how you feel, like, this probably isn't the right partner for you anyway. You sound like kind of a mean person. But yeah, no, I mean, I think like—

You sound like a mean person.

Yeah, I mean, that's the only explanation.

You can't be telling our listeners you sound like a mean person.

That was a theoretical listener. I created the whole situation. No one wrote in.

Our listeners are nice people.

Saying, this is what I've been saying to my husband. Why isn't it working? Said nobody ever. But anyway.

Oh my God.

But you know, I think it's just would be positioning it as, hey, let's try something fun. Or like, or like if that is even too much pressure, it's gonna be like, hey, I want to play around with just like edging you with my hand or my mouth. Let's just try that tonight. Tonight's all about you. But I want to, I want to experiment with this. And you know, I want you to, you know, "Tell me when you're like 50% of the way there." Mm-hmm. "Okay, you got that? All right, we did that once or twice. All right, now try to tell me when you're like 70% of the way there," you know, and work your way up. Just start with that where it's like, "Hey, this is all about you. Let's just totally take the pressure off of you. I want to, I want to focus on you and let's play around with this thing called edging." Yeah, I think that could be a good option.

I think you could also ask your partner to focus on you first. So you give them, you know, that confidence-boosting experience of knowing that they've made you feel good. You could also say something like, "Hey, I'd really love for us to slow down and take our time tonight." Something like that. That could also be beneficial.

Yeah, those are good tips. So what about for delayed ejaculation though?

Delayed ejaculation can be really tricky because sometimes what I've come across is Men think— so this is specific to male-female relationships. Men think that intercourse should last way longer than most women want it to. So men, like sometimes men are purposefully trying to prolong the experience when in reality she's like, I'm done. Like I don't need it to go on this long.

Or maybe he got himself used to that early, you know, earlier on of like like, you know, he almost trained himself to last a really long time and then almost like broke himself a little bit of like, oh yeah, no, I got so used to that that now this is what happens all the time.

Yeah, so I always recommend that all couples have a conversation about how long you would like sex to last. So you can use this podcast as an excuse, say like, oh, they were talking about like intercourse length, and it made me realize we've never really talked about that before. Like, what's your ideal length? And you— I like to think of two different categories, like the random middle of the week sex when it's like life's chaotic but we're trying to squeeze it in, versus maybe times like on the weekends or whatever fits with your schedule.

Those times you're on vacation, yeah, you have like more time to do it, like the more special occasion sex.

I think those timelines can be very different, so I would talk about that. But if it truly is a case of him like actually having delayed ejaculation, one of the most common causes is being like on an antidepressant or an anti-anxiety medication. Those can make it really difficult for men to orgasm. If that—

or possibly alcohol.

Yeah, like if that's the case, it's challenging because he deserves to have an orgasm too, right? And I don't want him feeling like, oh, you know, in the same way that we counsel women, like, hey, however long you take to reach orgasm, that's however long you take. And like, you deserve that. We all deserve to have that experience. Men deserve to have orgasms too. And yes, we have to be realistic that like, of course, if we're talking about 40, 60 minutes, like, of course, logistically, that can be a challenge sometimes. And bodies get tired sometimes. And we all still deserve to have pleasure and satisfaction and enjoyment. So I would probably bring it up Typically when a man has real delayed ejaculation, he is very stressed out during sex. Like, you can see him just like working so hard, trying to focus so hard, really trying to get there. So I think there could be a gentle way to bring it up in those terms of like, hey, I've noticed that sometimes during sex it seems like you're just like, you're really focused and kind of in your own little world, and I wonder like what the what's that like for you? Like, just— and I wouldn't even phrase it as like, it's taking too long for me, I'm getting bored, I'm getting— you're rubbing me raw, anything like that. Like, I would start with something very gentle, like, what's that like for you? And hopefully that opens the door for him to say like, yeah, it sucks, I feel like I have to— like, I feel like I have to focus so much. And you know, from there, then maybe it's a conversation about talking to your doctor about sexual side effects, or going to see a doctor in the first place. But I And I think that phrasing it like really gently like that, like I'm just curious what is your experience like for you?

Yeah, I mean, I think if it turns out that you're not on any medications that could be impacting this, it truly is like a, you know, it truly is a, you know, your body is just not able to get the stimulation that it needs to get there in a reasonable timeline, a better outcome for everybody would be rather than have you like huffing and puffing for 45 minutes, totally checked out, eyes closed, like focused on just desperately trying to get there. Because like, that's not a good experience for your partner, right? Like the point of intercourse is for it to be intimate and an experience together, right? Like you're not, your partner is not meant to be your sex toy where you're just like doing it to it. So yeah, why don't we change the way it looks? I'd much rather have 5 to 10 minutes of super connected intercourse between the two of us. And then, you know, I'll hop off and I can use a hand on you. We, you know, look into, look into like some male sex toys. There's a lot of sex toys out there that can heighten the experience that she could use on him or you just your partner can use on you or you can use on yourself and, you know, make that then a joint experience. Because honestly, like how much of a what experience are you really having with intercourse if you're totally in your head? Yeah, a lot of the pressure is going to come off. You are creating all this false pressure. I have to come from intercourse. You take that pressure off. Oh yeah, no, you don't have to come from intercourse. Um, you got to come however you want with this menu of like hands or toys or whatever available to you. Um, I think that could be a fun experiment of, hey, let's, let's go shopping and find something that is really, really enjoyable that, that my partner can use on me and take that pressure Take the pressure off of me, take the pressure off of them to keep going. That seems like a win-win.

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The biggest mistake that you can make is express disappointment in that moment. Because I guarantee you that he is already— he is already expecting that. He's already in his mind playing— he's already assuming, oh God, she's so disappointed. He feels emasculated. He feels all these things without you needing to say or do anything. And so then when you do it on top of that, all it does is confirm all the stuff that he's already thinking.

Mm-hmm.

Um, and I guarantee you it will not be helpful in the long term for this problem ever being solved. But I think the easiest way around that is to just immediately pivot to, all right, let's, let's switch to another activity that's going to be really pleasurable for me. Like, let's not let this hiccup get in the way of, you know, having a good experience. Then, like, the best thing that you could do for me is you immediately pivot me into taking action on you in a way that's going to get you an orgasm, right? Because then I go, oh, phew, okay, cool, it's not all on my penis. She, like, she still wants to keep going, she still wants to come, and she still wants me to be involved. She's telling me what to do. So I think that that is great. That's a great pivot that, that can quickly get him out of his head and get him to focus on, on what he can do rather than what he can't do.

Yeah.

Long term, if this is something that's happening, it is ultimately got to be up to him to make that evaluation of, do I think I can get this back, or would I rather move on to another activity? Because those are two very different pathways, right? Right? If you switch to like her spending some time on you, then I, you know, it can kind of feel like, okay, if that works out, great, we go back to it, boom, problem solved. But if it doesn't, then it can kind of feel like, oh God, now, now it feels kind of weird, like pivoting again back to her. So it's, you know, I think that it's ultimately like you guys got to talk about it and figure out which approach is going to feel best to you. And does he feel comfortable in the moment saying, "Yep, yep, focus, you know, let's do 2 minutes on me," or like, "You know what, I'd rather pivot to you and then you hit me back afterwards." Okay, I'll tackle this next question.

When is it time to seek medical help? So I did say earlier that the vast majority of cases are not typically medical in cause, but it's definitely never a bad idea to check in with your doctor if you're concerned. I definitely would check in with your doctor it's like a brand new thing that feels like it started happening out of the blue. Um, I would also check in if it feels like it's— maybe you've had it for a while but it feels like it dramatically worsened, um, like in a really quick period of time. Or just if it's gotten to the point where it's really interfering with your sex life, with your relationship. Like, yeah, it's just never a bad idea to check in with a doctor. And I think for ED in particular, it's really beneficial to check in sooner rather than later if you're having trouble with your erections ED issues can sometimes be like early signs of other issues like cardiovascular, hormonal, neurological stuff, medication-related stuff as well. So that's definitely one to, to check in with your doctor. And, you know, even if it has nothing medical related, just being able to hear from your doctor like, hey, medically you're all good, you're in the clear, that can really help alleviate some of the anxiety too.

Two other things to consider as Well, um, we talked about this a bit in my, uh, testosterone replacement journey episode as well. And again, I'm not a doctor, I'm not trying to push anything here. What I do know is that most kind of standard issue general practice, family practice doctors are in this day and age, especially with all these other online doctor services, that send these medications to your doorstep, most doctors are not going to proactively say, "Hey, let's check your hormones." They're going to say, "Oh, you're struggling to get erections? Here's a Viagra prescription. Here's a Cialis prescription." Because it's a— it feels like a very silver bullet thing. "Oh yeah, this is the symptom. Boom, this thing will give you an erection." It is very worth asking, you know, if you haven't had your testosterone levels checked, it is very worth asking for that. I know a lot of guys similarly get in their head about this, just like they do with asking a doctor about ED meds. But, you know, if it's like, if this is the situation you're in, don't you want all the data? Because there could be some very easy fixes to this. You know, if your hormone levels are out of whack, if your testosterone is low, it is going to be much harder to get an erection. Erection. If your testosterone levels are higher, if you do TRT, not only is it much often, you know, very often much easier to get erections, there's a lot of other positive side effects in terms of how you feel, how you sleep, all kinds of stuff. So if your hormones are out of whack, like taking, going and getting ED meds is like like, you know, just putting a bandaid on something rather than actually, you know, like, you know, it's like you have a big cut and you're like, oh, I could put a bandaid over this, or I could go get stitches. Like, you might as well get the stitches, right? So I think that that is another thing to look at. Also, I hate to say it, I think people tune this out, but you gotta look at a couple other facts. You gotta be really honest with yourself. Are you getting enough sleep? How much stress do you have in your life? Which is also, for most people, analogous with how much are you working? And also really honest with you, how is your fitness? All three of those things, if they are low, it is not going to be a surprise that you are not thinking about sex very much, that you're struggling to get hard, that you're struggling in the bedroom. Because because your sex drive is, is a nice to have once you have all of those things. It is, it is going to go— you are in survival mode if you are not sleeping enough, if you are stressed all the time, and if you are not taking good care of your body. So again, ED meds can mask the problems that those things create temporarily, but they will catch up to you eventually. And So I think there are a lot of, there are a lot of kind of everyday solutions to many of these problems. And unfortunately, most of us aren't really able to look in the mirror and get honest with ourselves about where we're at on those things.

All right, well, those are all the questions that we have time for today. Is that the right? That's all the time we have for questions today. You said it right the first time.

You said it right the first time. I was like, well, where are you stopping? It's like take number 5.

I cannot figure out. We don't have any more time. We're done. We can't answer any more questions.

Time's up.

Time's up.

Put your pencils down. Turn in your essay.

You know, sometimes your brain just— I've had a long couple of days. Sometimes your brain just kind of fritzes out. But we do have a great resource for you if you are a penis owner, penis boss, and you want more— Penis guy. Penis guy. If you're a penis guy. We have more tools, tips, and resources for you. We created the Modern Man's Guide to Conquering Performance Pressure.

Babe, why don't we call it the Penis Guy's Guide?

Penis Guy's Guide. Well, I originally called it the Modern Man's Guide because there's so much weird crap out there.

Yeah, there's some bullshit.

That's been around for decades.

There's like some alpha, there's like weird alpha stuff. There's also weird kind of like spiritual supplement crunchies. Fancy stuff. Like, yeah, how about just like—

so I was just like, just for like normal dudes, like someone like you who's like, yeah, I want to have a good time in bed, I want my partner to be satisfied, but I am struggling. Oh, so I put together all of my like step-by-step techniques from, you know, working with thousands of men over the years. Real tools, real techniques, zero fluff. It covers all three of the main performance challenges that we talked about today: getting and staying hard, lasting longer, and being able to reach orgasm. There are exercises that you can do on your own, things that you can do with your partner, ways to build your confidence, and there's even a whole chapter written specifically for partners. You don't have to use it if you don't want to, but it's really easy to just like let your partner take a gander at it. So it's practical, shame-free, no fluff, actually works. You can grab it at vmtherapy.com/modernman. That's vmtherapy.com/modernman. We will also put the link to check that out directly in the show notes. All right, that is all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening and join us again next week. We release new episodes every Thursday.