Episode 1: The Secret To Hot Sex? Talking About It!

So instead of focusing on anything negative, we just want to talk about the good stuff first. Not only is it easier and a whole lot more fun, but it's also way more effective. Because once you get more comfortable talking about sex in a positive or even just a neutral way, you're going to feel way more confident bringing up the trickier stuff.

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with 20 years.

Of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

So make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had.

I am sure you have heard of that salt and pepper song, let's talk about sex, baby.

Oh, that was like half singing, half speaking.

If I try to sing at all, you're just gonna stop listening. So I looked it up because I had to be sure for recording this podcast. I looked up the lyrics. I read through every single one, and they do not tell you how to talk about sex.

Oh, so they just tell you to talk about it, but they don't tell you how.

They just tell you how to do it. It's kind of like a lot of sex advice out there. They. They kind of tell you, like, what to do but not how to do it.

I have to be honest. Yeah, I don't love that song. It's a. It's objectively a really good song, but every time I do an interview, every time I talk to somebody and I tell them I'm a sex therapist, so somebody inevitably sings that song at me, and I'm just a little tired of it.

Oh, and you've been on a number of podcasts as a guest where they open the podcast with that line?

Yeah, they sing it to me. So we've just started our podcast in the exact way that I don't love other podcasts being started.

Great start. So, on that note, in today's episode, we are gonna be breaking down exactly how to start talking about sex with your partner, even if you never have before.

So we know that sex can be super intimidating to talk about, even if it's with a long term partner of many years. And it can be even more intimidating to talk about if you've never had a conversation with that partner. So this is something that we hear about from couples all the time. They'll say, you know, we've been together 5, 10, 15, 20, 30 years, and we've never talked about sex or never had a good conversation about sex. So in today's episode, we're going to give you five simple steps for opening up the sex conversation with your partner. And we're also going to give you plenty of realistic examples of exactly what to say to start and have these conversations with ease.

So these realistic examples of what to say and how to do it. We wish we could go back in time and teach this to ourselves, because we did not open up our relationship with the best talking about sex.

Yeah. We've learned a lot of the lessons that we're going to be sharing with you in this podcast, the hard way.

Yeah. So even in our case, like, Vanessa was in training to be a sex therapist, I knew that it was not a secret. It still was not easy for us to start talking about sex. And I think the very first conversation that we had about sex, sadly, was not super positive. I. I had noticed a trend as we were having sex that I like to talk dirty a little during sex. I used to, you know, like to comment on what was going on, what was what I was enjoying, And Vanessa would just be, like, lying there in silence, and I was like, huh, does she not want to talk about it? Does she not like it? What is going on? So I don't actually remember, like, what I said, but I don't think it was very good.

Yeah, I. I think what you did say eventually was something like, so, are you ever gonna respond to me when it's not dirty to you?

Wow.

And for me, it was such a shocking thing to hear you say because I did not know that I was being so quiet. Like, I love dirty talk. I was really enjoying everything that you were saying, and for some reason, it just did not dawn on me in the moment that I wasn't responding to you. So it was like this huge surprise, and I felt so embarrassed.

I was so good at it. I just, like, knocked all the. Knocked all the talks.

Yeah.

She was speechless. Wow. Maybe we should just end the podcast right here.

So that was our not so great beginning at talking about sex. But fortunately, over many, many years and a lot of practice, we have gotten way better at it. I've also really upped my dirty talk game. Thank you for asking. So now we're going to walk you through some of the steps that we have taken on our own and that we now recommend to other people for Getting more comfortable talking about sex. So do you want to start us off with step number one?

All right, let's do it. So step number one is break the ice with yourself. Now, this is something I definitely should have done. I should not have just been like, hey, when are you going to respond? Maybe I should have talked about it with myself, thought about what I was going to say. So anyway, the first step to talking about sex confidently with your partner is going to be getting comfortable with the topic yourself.

Yeah. I think so many of us, we hear this idea of, you know, talking about sex with our partner, but we haven't taken that time to get comfortable talking about sex with ourselves.

Yeah.

And just, you know, getting more comfortable saying those words out loud and recognizing sex is something that we can talk about.

Yeah. And I think really the thing that really trips up a lot of people early on is, like, words or phrases that make them kind of squeamish inside or make you blush.

We all have it.

Yeah. Stuff that maybe, like, you tried to say in the past, and it, like, didn't quite come out, and you're like, I'm never going to do that again. So the key here is to, like, practice. Practice saying those words and phrases by yourself. You know, the ones that you really don't want to say, the ones that make you blush. So, yeah, try standing in front of a mirror and just say them.

Yeah. So this is a great first step to just get more comfortable with talking about sex in general. So you can make a list, like, write down what are the words that trip you up, and we can also give you some, like, generic phrases and examples that you can use. So, for example, like, it might for some people, even just be saying the word sex.

Yeah. So literally, stand in front of the mirror. Sex, sex, sex, sex. You can think about, like, Bart Simpson. Just, like, writing.

Writing things out. Yeah, yeah. So saying it out loud. You're gonna laugh, you're gonna feel ridiculous, but you're slowly gonna get more comfortable with those words. And another pro tip that you can do is try doing it in front of a mirror and make eye contact with yourself. Most of us feel kind of, like, silly and vulnerable, like, scary making. Yeah, exactly. Making eye contact with ourselves. So it can kind of mimic a little bit of that vulnerability that you might feel with your partner. So again, like, just keep repeating these phrases out loud to yourself over and over again until it starts to feel easier. So. So some other examples might be like, I want to talk about sex. Talking about sex is healthy. Sex is important. To me. I want to have a great sex life. Touch me here. Do you want to have sex? So again, super generic examples. Nothing too wild. Start with even just those little basic words if you feel embarrassed, and work your way up to some phrases.

Yeah. So do you think you still have any words that you stumble over?

Okay, we all have words that we don't like to say, so I'm not a fan of panties. I can't. I don't like it.

All right, so say it like five times.

Panties, Panties, panties, panties, panties.

What's so. Yeah, what don't you like about that?

I don't know. It just. It's just a weird word. So, I mean, here's the thing. We all get to pick the words that we like and dislike. Like, you might just like saying underwear. That might sound a lot hotter to you than panties. That's totally fine. We're not saying you have to use every specific word, but it's just getting more comfortable with the words that don't make you cringe inside, like moist. You don't have to say moist if you don't like to say moist.

All right, fair enough.

All right, let's move on to step number two, which is to give a compliment. So this is the first step that you're going to be taking with your partner, but we're going to take it nice and easy. We really want to ease you into this process. So our suggestion is to start off by giving your partner a compliment specifically about how attracted you are to them. So you are not talking about sex specifically. You're not initiating sex. You're not bringing up anything related to sex. You're just talking about attraction and desire.

And why is that so important, that it's not about sex specifically?

Well, we want to have people just feel like this, you know, feels really easy. You're taking little baby steps towards it. You know, if you're still feeling embarrassed even saying the word sex to yourself, it might feel hard to imagine opening this really exciting, explicit conversation with your partner. So we just want to start you with something that, like, feels so easy, it barely feels like a step.

And who doesn't love compliments?

Exactly. So you're going to keep it really light and playful.

What if I don't know how to give a compliment? Can you give me some examples?

Oh, my gosh. Okay.

Help me. Help me help you.

Maybe something like, wow, you're so beautiful, I can't take my eyes off of you. Damn, you're looking good today.

Oh, thanks.

Look at those arms. I Want to be wrapped up in them all day long. That shirt looks unreal on you. Or I'm still as attracted to you as I was the day we met.

Ooh, those are all real nice.

Yeah. So just a simple compliment. Start talking about attraction, desire, but not getting too explicit yet.

Yeah. So after that we can move on to step three, which is to ask a positively rooted question. So this is probably going to be like, what do you say, like a day? Like, like the next day. Don't just do like, compliment, then jump into it.

Yeah, yeah, maybe the next day.

Yeah, so maybe the next day it's time to start talking about sex specifically. But most people get this part wrong. So step three is to ask a positively rooted question. And this is probably like, you know, a day or two after you've, you know, kind of done this, like attraction based compliment. So this is when you can actually start talking about sex specifically.

Okay, so this is the thing that most people get wrong when it comes to talking about sex with their partner. They only bring it up when something is bad or wrong with their sex life. So talking about your sex life does not have to mean just talking about the problems in your sex life, and especially not at first. Especially not when you're just trying to get comfortable saying those words out loud. So if you only talk about sex in a negative sense, that's going to contribute to this sense of there being even more anxiety and discomfort and embarrassment around talking about. About sex.

Yeah, I mean, honestly, that's probably most of us, like our early experiences talking about sex tend to be kind of negative things. Think about, like, kids saying things on the playground that you don't really understand. Or like that sex talk with your parents where you would have given anything to just not be in the room.

Or your boyfriend telling you that you're terrible at dirty talk.

Thanks. I'm never going to live that one down. So instead of focusing on anything negative, we just want to talk about the good stuff first. Not only is it easier and a whole lot more fun, but it's also way more effective because once you get more comfortable talking about sex in a positive or even just a neutral way, you're going to feel way more confident bringing up the trickier stuff. And, you know, ideally you're starting to do this early on in your relationship, so there isn't going to be a lot of negative or tricky stuff initially. Like, ideally you just have positive stuff and you're building this foundation of good experiences.

Okay, so in this first conversation, you're just trying to talk about sex in a light, open way. You're not trying to accomplish anything in particular. So don't talk about problems, complaints, don't make any requests, Definitely don't make any insults to your partner.

And then try to start this conversation when things are quiet and calm. And definitely outside of the bedroom, for sure, not in the middle of sex.

Actually, that could be its own little pro tip, is like, start talking about sex outside of the bedroom. It'll make it feel much less easier.

Yeah, I think a lot of people mess that up because they think, oh, like, we're in the middle of doing it and like, we're feeling good and stuff. And, like, it'll smooth things over. And then that just has a way.

Of derailing things, especially if you're starting with something negative or, you know, a change that you're wanting to make. Okay, so here are some example conversation starters. It could be something really simple, like, what's your favorite part of being intimate with me? Or what's your favorite sexual memory with me? Another thing I want to say is that you could also do this via text if that feels more comfortable. So again, we're really trying to give baby steps here for somebody who may never have talked about sex before or is just feeling super, super ashamed or embarrassed. We always want to prioritize in person communication because we think it's a lot better than. But if starting over text makes you feel more comfortable and gets you going, by all means, go ahead and do that.

Yeah, definitely. How many more positive questions do I have to ask before I can ask, like, a negative one?

Okay, so that's a really great opportunity for me to bring up this research that was done by John Gottman. He's one of the biggest relationship researchers in the country, and he took a look at what separates healthy relationships from unhealthy relationships. And I'm summarizing this a lot, but basically what he found was that in healthy relationships, there's a ratio of five positive comments to every one negative comment. And in unhealthy relationships, that was a very different ratio. So he kind of has this like, five to one rule. So, you know, if you and your partner haven't had a ton of great conversations about sex, you haven't really built up that 5 to 1 ratio. I would definitely focus on having lots and lots of positive conversations. So obviously, nobody's going to get out the calculator and figure out, like, okay, we need to have 62 positive phrases or questions. But in general, I think it's just like, A nice little guideline to keep in mind, like, trying to have five positive interactions for every one negative one.

Yeah. And that's definitely over the long term. It's not like you have to do five positives before you can ask one.

You, like, rattle off five things in a row like, okay, here's my five things so I can get to my one complaint.

Yeah. Step four is offer praise. So now, another day or two after that last conversation, loop back around and let your partner know that you really enjoyed talking about with them. Like, give them praise for answering the question that you asked them. And you can say something like, I realize I asked you a pretty out of the blue question about our sex life the other day, but I really enjoyed talking to you about it. It made me feel closer to you. Thanks for being willing to have that conversation with me.

Okay, so what if the conversation was hard for one or both of you? Like, it didn't go so well. You started off with this positively rooted question, but something happened and it went off the rails. Then what would you say?

Yeah. In a case like that, it's really important to find a way to have some common ground. Make give yourselves a common enemy. Your teammates, you're not opponents here. So you could say something like, I want us to both feel comfortable talking about sex, but, wow, it's really hard, isn't it? I'm really proud that we were both willing to keep trying, even though it's challenging. So that way, like, you're identifying that it's really hard. Like, it's hard for both of us. Like, let's keep trying to do this hard thing. Let's keep doing battle against the difficult thing rather than being like, I want to talk about it and you don't.

Oh, I love that. That's great. All right, so that brings us to step five. Give another compliment.

Another one.

Another one. Okay, so now that you've had one good conversation about sex, you might be tempted to jump into all the other stuff that you've been wanting to tell your partner, but don't do that just yet. So if you have never really talked about sex that much in your relationship, your partner's guard might still be a little bit up. Like, they might still be a bit suspicious about. Why are they talking about this now? What's coming?

Why am I getting compliments?

Yeah. So you don't want them to think that you were just opening up this conversation so that you could then pounce on them with a bunch of criticism or complaints, because that's going to make Them feel manipulated.

Honestly, no one likes that.

So let's keep lavishing them with the compliments. So it's best if you can think about something that they did recently. But you could also call back older memories, too. But any sort of compliment. And you can start with these ones getting a little bit more explicit, like having them focus more on sex rather than just before when we were talking about compliments, it was more like attraction or desire.

Yeah. So some examples are you could say something like, I love the way you really took your time kissing me the other day. I appreciated that you initiated with me yesterday. It made me feel really good to know that you wanted me.

Another one might be. Since we talked about sexual memories last week, I keep thinking about all these great experiences that we shared together. We sure were lucky to have so much chemistry, like, right off the bat with each other.

Or do you know how hot your body is, Vanessa?

Oh, no, tell me.

I can't get enough of it.

Maybe something like, most of our friends complain about how bad their sex lives are, but I appreciate that you work so hard to make a priority.

And then the other really important thing is don't use this step to initiate sex either. Just like we said in the first compliment step, you still want to be getting your partner used to the idea of just talking about sex more openly and not like associating. When I give a compliment about sex or attraction, then it leads to this sort of negative experience.

Yeah, I think, you know, one of the points that we really want to make with this episode is that you don't always have to have a motive or a purpose for talking about sex. You don't need to be solving anything. Like, it's really nice to just have sex be something that you can talk about the same way that you talk about the weather or what you guys want for dinner or where you're gonna go on your next vacation. Like, it's just another topic. I realized I just listed a couple of examples that actually do have motives to them. But the weather one, that's a good one.

Yeah. I mean, look, look, the reality here is that if you're following this framework, like, you do have a bit of a motive, which is to be able to talk about sex more. But that's a really positive motive. But I think the thing is this framework is kind of focused on just this pattern of compliment, positive, question, compliment. It's the type of thing where after you get into it, you're just going to build a habit around. Oh, these are the types of compliments or the types of questions that we ask. So it's not really going to be. You're not going to be like, okay, I'm, like, counting down the days until I can ask another question. Like, this is just kind of going to get baked into your existence, into your relationship.

Exactly. All right, so now let's tackle some questions. So we put up a story on Instagram asking people, what do you struggle with when it comes to talking to your partner about sex? What questions do you have? So, first of all, I want to say that 98% of the questions that we got were from people who were bringing up problems that they wanted to solve. So almost all these questions were, you know, about negative things. And while we totally understand, like, yeah, the majority of couples are struggling with their sex life in one way or another, it's totally normal and understandable to have problems in your sex life, things that you want to solve. But I think this goes back to what we were saying earlier, that, like, so many people just jump into talking about sex in this negative problem solving, you know, trying to fix things kind of way, and it just adds so much more anxiety and embarrassment and shame on top of this conversation.

Yeah. And this is just one more reason why, if you are early on in a relationship or about to start a new relationship, try to build this stuff into the very beginning. And even if you are in a relationship where you haven't talked about sex for a long time or ever, and you do have some. Some, you know, more serious things you want to give feedback on, that's why this framework we gave you is so important, to just kind of build that foundation of trust and positive things first.

Okay, so our first question is, my partner gets insecure and feels like the pressure is on them to fix the things.

Oh, this one is so good. I feel like this is one of those things that really transcends sex. So often in relationships is, like, getting into these dynamics where, like, whenever, like, the other partner brings something up, the. The, you know, you receive it as like, oh, she's telling me that I need to do this.

Yeah. Okay, so we have to have a totally separate episode about, like, listening. Yeah. Because I. Yeah. A lot of people jump into problem solving mode. Like, oh, if you're telling me something, it means we have to fix it. It sounds like this person's partner might also have this added layer of feeling like everything's their responsibility. But the vast majority of times when we're talking to our partner about something, what we're really wanting is just to be Heard. And if we skip right to the trying to fix things, it actually leaves our partner feeling like they've been unheard. So I do think this question is the perfect example of why it's best for us to start with these more positively rooted conversations where we're not trying to accomplish anything. You're not saying, oh, I'm never orgasming, or, you know, I hate that we only do this one sex position. You're bringing it up in this more positive way.

Yeah. And I think the other thing about this is that, you know, if you're the person who's giving feedback, I think that, you know, you can take some responsibility early on and say, I'm not telling you that you need to change this. I want to open up a conversation you can even offer up as part of the feedback that things that you personally want to change as kind of, you know, an offering of, like, I'm not asking you to just fix something. Like, this is something we're doing together.

Yeah. We already have a different episode planned about how to give feedback and make requests in gentler ways. So I think, you know, you definitely want to be careful about how you phrase something because it's very easy to phrase it in a certain way that really gives your partner the impression that this is terrible and you have to fix it. But I think instead, you know, focusing on goals that you have or things that you would like to experience together, rather than complaints or things that you want to fix. Because when it's something that it's, you know, hey, I want us to feel more of this together. Do more of this, experience more of this. It's easier to make it feel like you're a team. And if you already know that your partner is super sensitive to feeling like things are their fault, you can preface any of your comments with that. Like, saying at first, like, hey, I want to be super clear here. I am not saying anything's wrong. I'm not saying this is your fault. I'm not saying there's anything to be fixed. I just wanted to share this with you. Or I have, you know, this is something I would like us to do together.

All right, the next question was, I feel like I always bring up sex conversations, and I always feel like it sounds like something is wrong, like I'm finding something wrong, so I have to bring it up.

Are we sensing the theme here already?

Something is wrong.

So again, we want to, you know, bring up conversations, have lots of positive conversations, go back to that five to one rule, and just have lots of Great. You know, positive, simple, easy conversations with your partner. So it's not giving them the impression that you're only bringing things up when something is terrible or needs to be fixed.

Yeah, definitely. What if this is like a type of dynamic where, you know, this partner feels like they're the ones who are always bringing up things about sex and the other partner is just, like, not really reciprocating or not engaged?

I think there's also something to be said about how you view talking about sex. Like, it's important for each of us to recognize, like, I can bring things up and talk about sex in a positive way. It's not always a complaint. It's not always something that needs to be fixed. So it's like getting back to that. That comfort within yourself, too. Like, not judging yourself as, oh, man, I'm just this terrible person who brings up all these terrible things that are wrong with our sex life. Okay, so our next question. We actually got a ton of questions that were all very similar. So it was stuff like, you know, how do you overcome shame? I feel so much shame whenever we talk about anything sex related. The other things that people listed were, I feel awkward every time I feel too vulnerable to bring it up or I just get really embarrassed.

All right, so let's start with just think about why you might feel shame or awkwardness or feel vulnerable, and let's try to give ourselves some permission to feel those things. I think it's not really a big surprise when we peel back the onion a little bit why most of us have that kind of feeling around these types of conversations. I think that most of us have these. There's this pretty universal experience when we're coming of age where all of our early experiences around sex and especially talking about sexual are very awkward. We feel like we don't want to be having them. Think about the talk with your parents.

Oh, boy.

Think about some of your early sexual experiences. Most people don't come away from, like, their first time being, like, oh, it was just the best thing ever. Like, there's lots of. There's just lots of awkwardness, probably because you did not talk about it as much as you would like to. So is it really that much of a surprise that most of us feel a bit ashamed when we talk about sex?

Okay, so I'm gonna give you a little sneak peek at our podcast here. We very often get asked questions like, how do I stop feeling this? Or how do I prevent myself from feeling this? But little spoiler alert here. That is unfortunately not how Emotions work. We cannot prevent ourselves from having a certain feeling.

Sorry.

Sorry. The only thing we can do is figure out better ways to deal with those emotions. So I think what Xander was saying is so spot on. Like, validating and acknowledging, like, hey, these feelings that I have make sense. They come from somewhere. I wasn't just born feeling deeply ashamed about sexuality. So it's like, can we validate ourselves, be really gentle with ourselves? Say, I get that. I understand that. And you know what? I'm gonna choose to do it anyway. Yes, I'm feeling shame. I'm gonna bring it up anyways. Because what we really need is, like, we need to have more positive experiences with that. That's what helps us overcome shame, awkwardness, vulnerability, and embarrassment when we do it and we realize, hey, I said the word panties out loud and I didn't explode. I'm okay, I can do it again.

Yeah. I mean, if you had had an amazing. The talk with your parents at, like, age 13 or whenever that happens, if you had an absolutely amazing talk where you came away feeling closer with your. Your parents, I can almost guarantee you that you aren't going to be feeling ashamed about talking about this stuff.

Oh, no, you would be, because you probably had lots of other experiences of being shamed. We all do. I mean, we, the vast majority of us, like, we just grow up with just constant experiences of shame and embarrassment. So we just need more experiences. We just have to have the good ones outweigh the bad ones.

All right, fair enough. Fair enough. Here's another tip, though, is because this is a near universal experience, this is a huge opportunity for you to get closer with your partner and really be closer teammates. Because you can say, hey, like, let me tell you about my experience, like with the talk when I was younger and how awkward it was. And like, I'm curious what yours was like. And you can relate on those really awkward, maybe hilariously bad, cringe worthy moments. And you can kind of be like, hey, can we each see how we've sort of developed or, like, carried this shame or embarrassment and, like, what can we do together to get past this? Yeah.

You are never alone in having your shame. And you're right. It can be such a good bonding experience.

So moving on to the next question, it's my partner shuts down right away and says, I just don't want to talk about it. What do I do then?

All right, I think we have all been through this one. So, look, I know it's really tempting to hear that kind of response from your partner. And think like, my partner's being a jerk, they're refusing to engage with me, they're being so difficult. But I think that this kind of shutting down response is really just a symptom of somebody who is still dealing with their own shame and embarrassment and vulnerability and just having a really hard time coming to terms with it. Unless you married or are in a relationship with a huge jerk, which is a different episode in and of itself. But I think it's, you know, it's just likely that they're hung up on their own stuff and they're really struggling. So I think that can be useful about trying to picture your partner just being really afraid or being really overwhelmed. I think that might help soften up your own experience and help give you a little bit more compassion, a little bit more patience for continuing even though you do get shut down.

Yeah, I think what a lot of people will say right after this or, or something similar that people will say that of imply that this is the issue is I'll be like, I don't want to talk about it. Because like good, good sex should just happen naturally. We shouldn't have to talk about it. But I think it's important to remember like what else in life that is good should you not talk about, like when good stuff happens, you want to talk about it. Right. Or like someone's like, oh no, I think it should just be like non verbal feedback when it comes to sex. Like if it's good, we know it. But life doesn't really work that way.

Yeah, we will have lots more episodes about this because these are some of the most harmful beliefs that get in the way of us having a great sex life. The belief that it should just happen naturally, the belief that we shouldn't have to talk about it. So we will definitely return to this. But I would tell, you know, have a conversation with your partner where you say, hey, look, I get that this is really hard. Maybe share with your partner some of the specific ways that it's hard for you and say, but our sex life is a really important part of our relationship and I want us to be able to talk about it. So what you can do is like go a little bit meta and ask your partner, like, how can you and I work together as a team to get more comfortable talking about this? So is it something like you guys need to go really slow? Is it something like maybe you need to start over text message for a little while? Is it something that if your partner gets overloaded and say, I can't Talk about it right now. They get to go off on their own for 10 minutes, and then they come back to you.

I thought you were going to say they get to go on vacation. And I was like, oh, that's nice.

No, they don't. They could have a little bit of time by themselves, or they could come back by the pool. Okay. They could restart the conversation with you the next day. But, you know, so there are lots of ways to work around it. But it's having this conversation with them of, like, okay, what do we need to do together as a team to make this feel a little bit easier for us to talk about? And also just listen to this episode with them, if you haven't already. All right, and that brings us to our last question, which is how to navigate when one partner is more comfortable talking about it than the other.

Ooh, that's a really good one. I think this comes back to the team sport analogy. Sex, relationships. It is a team sport. It takes two of us to play. And, you know, in just like, a team sport, let's say you're playing doubles tennis, right? And one person is really, really good, and the other person is, like, a beginner. The other team's just going to hit it to the beginner, right? And, like, there's no way you're going to win that. That match. God, I do not play tennis. Is it a match?

A double.

No. No. Yeah. I mean, is tennis a match?

Yeah.

So, yeah, you know, there's no way you're going to win that match. So, you know, just because you have one person that's super good, it doesn't mean that, you know, they get to just jump into the deep end. I'm, like, mixing sports activity. But anyway, you know, like, one person is really good. That doesn't mean that they just get to go ahead with, like, doing their, like, you know, advanced version of things. You need to bring both people along. Like, we need to upskill the other person. And so that's where this whole framework, like, following these steps is really going to come into play. So, you know, even if you're feeling like, oh, God, this seems like, so easy. I've done this all before. I'm totally good with it. Like, try to have some patience for your partner and say, you know, let's, like, let's. Let's help them improve a little bit before we jump in the deep end.

And I will also throw out a plug for following us on Instagram. Our handle is Vanessa Marin Therapy. Xander and I do stories together every single Day we talk about different topics and we have heard so much amazing feedback from couples where each person in the couple follows us and they say that it just gives them this opportunity every single day to open up a conversation. Like they'll say, hey, did you see what they were talking about today? And even if it's something that doesn't apply to them, it's still like, oh, I learned this thing, or I had no idea that a lot of people do this. So it just creates a nice opportunity, gives you guys the chance to do a ton of practice. So go check us out on Instagram.

Ooh, that's a good one, babe.

Yeah.

So thanks for sticking with us. Those are our top tips for opening up the conversation about sex between you and your partner. So basically the order that you need to do things in case you somehow skip just to the end. So first you want to talk about it with yourself first. Just getting comfortable with any phrases or words that trip you up. Then try some attraction or desire related compliments with your partner. Just give them a compliment, see what happens. Then the next day, try asking a positive sex related question, like maybe what their favorite sexual memory is with you. Then a day or two after that, give them a little praise about how things went with that question that you asked. Because even the positive stuff, it can feel hard, especially at the beginning. And then finally go back, give another compliment. Because honestly, there's no such thing as enough compliments. So just keep up that pattern.

The sooner you start doing this stuff and the more you keep it focused on the positive and the playful stuff, especially early on, building up that 5 to 1 ratio, the more you will start to naturally talk about sex, the more comfortable you'll get. And that means that if you ever do need to bring up something more serious, which we will definitely be doing plenty of podcast episodes about in the future, but that way you will have a really great trusting foundation of talking about sex in your relationship.

So that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Our first one, our first one in the books. We are so excited. Thank you so much for listening. We are so excited about connecting and with you on this new medium. Join us for our next episode where we are going to be talking about unresolvable conflicts in long term relationships. It's a juicy one.

Make sure to subscribe for your weekly dose of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. And if you like this episode, it was, it would mean so much to us. If you left our podcast a review, we are actually going to be doing something really fun to kick off our brand new podcast. We're doing a giveaway. So if you leave a review of our podcast before June 20th, we'll enter your name into a drawing to win any one of our courses for free. That is up to a $1,000 value, so this is a really big prize. I am sure you've heard this a million times before if you listen to the podcast, but leaving reviews helps so much, especially for a brand new podcast. The more reviews we get, the more people we can get this podcast in front of, the more relationships we can help. So thank you in advance for taking the time to leave a quick review.

Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time.

Bye.