Episode 104: An Exclusive Sneak Peek: Chapter One Of Sex Talks

And it doesn't matter if you're in a really tough place. Maybe you're in a dry spell or you're feeling wildly disconnected from each other, or maybe you're in a pretty good place. But you're just wondering, like, can it get better than this? Like, maybe there are some ways where it could be a little bit better. Like, regardless of where your relationship is at, we know that these five conversations are going to have a really big impact on you. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talk Podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Thanks to Cozy Earth for supporting Pillow Talks. Cozy Earth provided an exclusive offer for our Pillow Talks listeners today. Get up to 35% off site wide when you use code Pillow talks@cozyearth.com thanks to Athletic Greens for supporting Pillow Talks. If you're looking for an easier way to take supplements, Athletic Greens is giving you a free one year supply of vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase. Go to athleticgreens.com we have something very, very special for you today.

We do a Pillow Talks first.

It is a Pillow Talks first. We are so excited to present to you the first chapter of Sex Talks, the five conversations that will transform your love life in its entirety, courtesy of our publisher, Simon and Schuster. So our book came out in February. It's been out a few months now. It was an instant New York Times bestsel. We've just been so excited to see how many of you have snatched up your copy. The transformations you guys are already starting to have. It's been so, so exciting. And we also know the vast majority of you have not yet picked up your copy intent. So we wanted to be able to show you a little bit about what Sex Talks is really like. Because look, let's be real. This can be an intimidating book to buy, right? Like, a lot of us feel embarrassed and ashamed and uncomfortable with sex. So the idea of buying a book that's going to lead you through these five conversations like that might feel intimidating. So we thought it might be really nice to like ease you into it by giving you a sneak peek at the book and helping you realize, like, whatever you might be feeling right now, this book is actually incredibly friendly. It's very approachable. It's got a really nice, like, just fun and playful tone that I think you're going to really appreciate. So we thought, let's show you a little bit about what it's like so we can overcome any lingering fears or anxieties you might have about checking out a copy.

Or you might be thinking, well, God, like, I follow these guys on Instagram, I listen to their podcast, like, what could this book possibly have in it I don't already know that they don't already cover somehow in the podcast, on Instagram, in all their emails, in all their courses. We've heard that from more than one person. We've also heard from more than one person that exact same reservation upon purchasing the book and then being like, oh my God, I didn't, I didn't realize how much I would get out of this book. Because the reality is, is on social media, even on the podcast, which is a much longer form piece of content, so to speak, we can only talk about so much. We only put so many pieces together in a single episode. And in this book, like, we've really, we've put so many different threads together. I think it's just like we're able to tell a story and deliver a message and show you the importance of something in a way that we just can't in, in any other format, whether that is our Instagram, our podcast, even a course or a guide.

Oh, yeah, there's so much content in this book that we've never shared anywhere else, like models and ideas and exercises that we developed exclusively for the book. So even if you're, you know, a regular pillow talks listener, you follow us on Instagram to all the things. Like, you are still going to learn so many new things in Sex talks.

Yeah. And I think this first chapter that we're sharing with you, it really sets up the problem. It kind of lays out like, here are all the issues that you face in a relationship, with communication as it comes to your sex life and to your relationship. And it kind of just lays out like, here's what, what's facing us and hopefully gives you a bit of a sense of kind of like how, how much we understand the problem and how we're going to work you through that in the book.

And if you're sitting here thinking, like, wait, what is sex talks? What are they talking about? This is the first podcast episode from these fools that I'VE ever listened to.

Welcome to the podcast. And we wrote a book.

So the premise behind sex talks is our belief that. That talking about sex is the best thing you can do for your sex life. And look, let's be real. Like, that idea is nothing new. Like, when you are up late at night in bed, in the dark, in Google incognito mode, finally looking up all the sex questions that you've been too afraid to ask, like, why is my sex drive so low? How to fix mismatched desire. You will see at the end of every article online, like, just talk about it with your partner. But the articles always end there.

I mean, if it was that easy, you probably wouldn't be googling those questions in the first place, right?

You wouldn't be listening to this podcast in the first place. So I think that leaves us feeling even more frustrated and scared and alone. Like, okay, I'm supposed to talk to my partner, but how? Like, what do I say? How do I say it? When do we have these conversations?

Isn't it going to be awkward? Isn't my partner going to get pissed off or defensive or hurt?

So we decided we wanted to create a book that would guide you through step by step. Because we're all about step by step and being very practical here. Like, we don't want to just talk about these vague concepts. We really love boiling down and, like, getting into the nitty gritty and telling you exactly what to do. So we wanted to walk you through getting comfortable talking about sex. But then that brings us to another issue, which is like, of course there is so much that you could talk about. So this was another area where we really wanted to drill down to just the most essential, essential conversations. And so we came up with five. The five conversations that we think are going to transform any couple's sex life and relationship. And it doesn't matter if you're in a really tough place. Maybe you're in a dry spell or you're feeling wildly disconnected from each other, or maybe you're in a pretty good place. But you're just wondering, like, can it get better than this? Like, maybe there are some ways where it could be a little bit better. Like, regardless of where your relationship is at, we know that these five convers conversations are going to have a really big impact on you. So the book guides you through these conversations. And like I keep saying, like, it's very practical. It's literally like, okay, first you're gonna say this, then you're gonna take this little quiz, and you're gonna share this answer with your partner, then you're gonna do this. Like, it really, really walks you through exactly what to do.

Yeah. I mean, it's so practical, in fact, that we actually guide you through in the order that we think you should have those conversations. Because, you know, like, people are. People have worries about talking about sex for. For good reasons. There actually are a lot of things that can go wrong. I mean, the biggest one is that you don't talk about it. And you wait and you wait and you wait until something gets so bad, and then it boils over. It comes out in a big, long laundry list of complaints or, you know, your partner gets defensive. You're already feeling defensive, like, it's. It's a huge disaster. And so we wanted to not only tell you these are the conversations you need to have, we order them in a way so that it's going to be super fun and connecting from the very beginning. This is not like, here are the five things that are going wrong in our sex life. Let's talk about it. No, no, no, no. It's like, let's make sex a safe and a fun and an exciting topic to talk about. And so then in each of these conversations, you might hear them at first and be like, oh, God, that sounds scary. But I promise you, the way that we walk you through them, by the time you get to each one, it's going to be super fun and exciting and, like, breathe new life into your relationship.

Well, I mean, I think if you've listened one episode of Pillow Talks before, you know that humor and approachability are really important to us. Like, we don't want to do this stuffy, like, academic presentation of, like, here are the. You know, the context. I can't even fake something like that.

I do kind of wish that you had read the. The audiobook in that voice.

Oh, yeah, that would.

That would have been nice.

Welcome to Sex Talk.

Full school. And seven years ago, there were seven conversations, and then I forgot two of them, and now there are five.

So the book is very much the same way. Like, it's a really funny book. Like, you're gonna laugh out loud at certain points. Points. Certain parts.

Or you might cry. You might cry out loud too.

Yeah, like, we're gonna. We take you on a journey. And I also wanna point out, like, we get very vulnerable in the book as well. We share a lot of stories. I mean, the first. The first page of the book opens up with us in therapy, like, in a really tough place in our relationship.

Yeah, I do Want to clarify? Because you are going to be listening to the first chapter. There is an intro chapter that comes before that. That is not part of this. You'll see that when you pick up the book. The intro. That's what Vanessa is referring to. I don't want anyone to hear that and then start listening and be like, wait, I thought they were talking about themselves. The intro is us going to therapy for the first time, and it wasn't easy.

Yeah, we share stories about, like, fantasies that one of us judged the other for having, trying things that, like, went wrong, all, like, all sorts of stuff. You will learn a lot.

Oh, we've been there.

And also, we thought, you know, since you are listening to pillow talks, obviously you like having some audio experiences.

You like our voice, our smooth, sexy voices. So why not give you some more of those than us reading the audiobook?

Yeah, we thought that, you know, it'd be a nice little way to experience the book, hearing the audio of us. So we did record the audiobook of sex talks. A lot of people wonder that. They're like, did you guys do it? Like, I could not imagine having somebody else read this book, like, reading my stories and my words. Like, heck, no. We did the audiobook. We actually recorded it in our closet. Xander helped us set up a very professional sounding.

Not looking.

Yeah, it looked janky, but it sounded great. So we recorded it right next door. We're in our office right now, but the office was too big for a. You need, like, a little cramped, small space.

Yeah, I mean, I. I think our podcast sounds pretty good. It'll actually be interesting to hear. Oh, yeah, you can y' all actually hear side by side? Because we are recording in the same mic that we use to record the audio for the book, but we are in a slightly larger room. You know, we don't have padded walls in this room. I mean, I have. I essentially had to create padded walls in our closet by hanging a bunch of moving blankets so that, you know, there were no. No refractions, no sound echoes.

Yeah. So you'll get to hear us reading our own words.

So we really can't wait for you to hear this chapter read aloud by yours truly, Vanessa and Xander.

Did you forget my name?

No, I was about to say my name first, and I was like, I should say your name first because you read the majority of it. I said, no. I said, Zanessa, read by yours truly, Zanessa Marin. Um, yeah, we can't wait for you to hear it. Can't wait for you to tell us what you think of it. But first, we have to give you a review of the week because it wouldn't be a normal Pillow Talks podcast without that. But this time around, we're switching it up a little bit in honor of our book. This is a review of Sex Talks from Amazon. Best education money can buy. I wish I had someone teach me the fundamentals of sex education when I was younger. Hey, don't we all? This book and the authors have opened up this world of practical knowledge around a subject that should be essential to having a great life in general, not just a great intimate life with your partner or spouse. Many people don't realize that if one area of your life is lackluster or you feel shame around it, it can trickle into other aspects of your life. Hence why I say this book is essential for having a great life. Highly recommend. If you are looking for an amazing presentation of delicate matters, you won't be sorry. I want to thank them for their care and guidance, which is a breath of fresh air in our modern world.

Wow. What a beautiful review.

That is a wonderful review and hopefully.

That motivates you to continue listening and to dive into chapter one.

Yeah. And so if you have already picked up a copy of Sex Talks, if you are about to pick up a copy, Sex Talks, because you know you're going to want to hear more than just the first chapter, we would love it if you would go over to Amazon and leave us a review. Even if you didn't buy the book on Amazon, you can still go to the Sex Talks book listing and leave a review. It helps us out so much, just like the podcast reviews do. Leaving a review on Amazon is, you know, the. One of the best ways for other people who maybe are not so familiar with us to be able to see, hey, this is a great book. People love it. So we would be so appreciative of that. And without further ado, here we go. This is the first chapter, so just a reminder. I know I said it there, there's an intro that is. That comes before this, but this is the first chapter. We wanted to share this one with you because it really just kind of lays out the stakes of the issue really well. So enjoy.

Part one. All about you. Chapter one. Destroying the fucking fairy tale. Do you think there's any hope for us? Francesca's voice breaks as she struggles to get the words out. I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, but I also can't continue like this. Francesca is one of my oldest and best friends and her husband, Jake, is a real gem of a human being, too. They're both warm, generous, intelligent, and regularly bring me to the brink of peeing in my pants from laughing so hard. Their love story is classic. They were set up by a mutual friend in a land before dating apps, Francesca likes to say. And their marathon blind date at a tiny Italian trattoria only came to an end when the staff politely kicked them out. Francesca and Jake gracefully slid past every milestone, becoming exclusive, getting engaged, and then married, and having two beautiful and mischievous children. Things seemed perfect from the outside, but if you looked closely, you could see signs of cracking in the facade. Francesca had a certain way. She liked to do things around the house and would get over the top. Irritated at Jake for messing up the pantry organization or folding the towels like a heathen, Jake tended to withdraw, retreating to the basement to watch his beloved packers and losing himself in long hours at his law firm. The raucous date nights they had once cherished became increasingly infrequent, especially once they became parents. Francesca and Jake's sex life had grown more complicated, too. At the beginning of their relationship, Francesca and I would spend entire brunches dissecting every last detail of their wildly passionate bedroom escapades. But over time, Francesca's bragging turned into venting. She disclosed that she rarely initiated sex. Even though she considered herself a feminist, she still had the nagging feeling that it should be up to the guy to make it happen. Unbeknownst to Jake, Francesca had been faking orgasms with increasing frequency over the years. Her performance had become half hearted, and she was growing resentful of him for rolling off her right after having his own climax. Sometimes I don't even bother to fake an orgasm, she tells me. But he still seems to think that once he's done, we're done separately. Jake confided in me that Francesca sometimes seemed disinterested and distant during sex, and he would lose his erection in those moments. He'd catch himself feeling anxious the next time they started taking their clothes off, wondering if he was going to be able to stay hard. Their frequency had dropped to maybe a fourth of what it was at the beginning of their relationship, and their satisfaction was at an all time low. A Category 5 stress hurricane pushed everything to the surface in a single week. Their daughter broke her leg during gymnastics practice, their roof sprung a massive leak, and Jake got passed over for a promotion he'd been gunning for. The tension was palpable for days, and by Friday night, Francesca and Jake were looking forward to the moment they could finally relax. After the kids were asleep, they poured glasses of wine, crawled into bed, and turned on a movie. Francesca was just starting to drift off to sleep when Jake started rubbing her back. She tensed up immediately. She knew what his massage meant, but couldn't Jake see that his timing was ridiculously bad? Francesca whined, jay, I'm exhausted. Jake rolled over onto his side of the bed, letting out a dramatic sigh. His obvious disappointment set Francesca off in a way she had never before experienced. How could you be thinking of sex at a time like this? Francesca snarled at him. Because I can't even remember the last time we had sex, jake huffed back. The fight still had Francesca rattled on our walk the next morning. I don't really know what to do, francesca says. I mean, he's right. I can't remember the last time we had sex either. She takes a deep breath and her voice goes soft and quiet. It shouldn't be this hard, should it? Should we really get into it? I ask. Or did you just want to vent? I need you in full blown sex therapist mode, she responds, rubbing at the bags under her eyes. Help me fix this, please. Understanding why sex gets so Complicated what's the first step for Francesca, for me, and for you? Understanding that the fairy tale version of sex and relationships we all have in our heads is just that, a fairy tale. I like to call it the fucking FairyTale. Just like TV and the movies lead us to believe that we'll have a meet cute with our one true love, overcome some mild adversity, and then live happily ever after. We're also fed an overly simplified version of what our sex life with said true love will be. Like Hollywood, sex always unfolds spontaneously and effortlessly, zero communication required. The chemistry is so intense you can practically feel it through the screen. Couples always orgasm in the same instant from three pumps of missionary position intercourse, and everyone seems wildly satisfied. When I ask people to describe their ideal sex life, the most common word I hear is natural. We crave that feeling of effortlessness we've witnessed on the screen countless times. Except that's not how it unfolds in our own relationships, and that leaves us feeling confused, scared, and even angry, Francesca tells me. I guess I'm naive, but I didn't realize how much work relationships and sex take. Our connection was so strong at first that I assumed it would always be solid. When the spark fades, you almost resent the fact that you have to work at it, because in the movies it all looks so easy. I know from personal experience that this Transition from fairytale to train wreck can be incredibly scary. So I run Francesca through the specific reasons we find ourselves here in the first place. Because it happens to the best of us, and it's not entirely your fault. Blame your brain let's start with one of the most straightforward reasons chemistry with your partner feels so much stronger at the beginning of a relationship. Literal chemistry. In your early months together, the neurotransmitters in your brain go buck wild. The serotonin levels there are similar to those in someone who has obsessive compulsive disorder. And the dopamine levels mimic being high on cocaine. It's that intense. But this stage can last for only one to three years max. @ that point, you're previously surging. High octane transmitters, serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine get replaced with oxytocin and vasopressin, which are designed to help us relax and bond. We shift into creating deeper attachment to our partner and forging a strong, secure, lasting foundation. Brain chemistry isn't the entire picture, but it's useful to know that your brain is physically incapable of maintaining that same level of lust over the long term. If, like Francesca, you find yourself feeling sad and scared that it seems so much harder to be attracted to and turned on by your partner, stop judging yourself. Losing desire is actually more natural than feeling it constantly. The Stress Shutdown as soon as I mention the word stress, Francesca rolls her eyes. I know I'm too stressed, but that's just life. Like most of us, Francesca has gotten used to juggling never ending responsibilities and ever increasing pressure. It has become her default mode of functioning. So much so that in the rare moments when she's not busy, she finds herself feeling anxious. Most people don't realize that stress is the number one sex drive killer. When you're stressed, your body thinks that it's under attack. It goes into fight or flight mode, deciding whether to stay and duke it out or get the hell out of there. During those moments, your system releases a hormone called cortisol, which shuts down unnecessary functions, so you can focus all your energy on protecting yourself. Libido is one of the first things to go think about our ancestors. If a caveman was being chased by a woolly mammoth, why would he also need to have an erection at the same time? If anything, a raging boner flapping around between his thighs is just going to slow him down. Cortisol is helpful if you are in danger in the moment, but when your body is constantly in that state of High tension. It basically ensures that your sex drive never kicks back into gear when two become three or four or five. When you have children, your focus changes. Francesca and Jake used to live in their own little world together, and while their children have been a happy addition, they've also dramatically changed the balance of things. Francesca and Jake aren't each other's primary focus anymore, and their list of responsibilities has exploded. As Francesca puts it, Jake started to feel like yet another item on the long list of people or things that need doing. Francesca also lovingly calls her kids the greatest cock blocks of all time. The kids are always around. They manage to sneak into Francesca and Jake's bed most nights, and Francesca is usually nervous about them overhearing sex or barging in at the worst possible moment. Even when Francesca and Jake are alone, Francesca finds herself struggling to relax. She tells me, it's like when you start working from home. Sometimes it's hard to separate your work time and your leisure time. Except with being a parent, you never get to log off. There really is no place in my home that I don't feel like a parent. At least with work, your boss doesn't wake you up in the middle of the night because they had another nightmare about monsters. Relationship researcher John Gottman found that 67% of couples report that their marital satisfaction plummeted after having kids. But like most parents, Francesca and Jake are also exhausted, too busy and overwhelmed to even put much thought into repairing their relationship. Francesca tells me it's easier to let things slide than to address them. I'm just so tired that a difficult conversation is the last thing I want to do until I realize I'm in survival mode and unsure how to move forward with someone who's a roommate with whom I'm raising kids. The pain of Rejection at the beginning of a relationship, it feels easy to say yes to everything you agree to. All date night ideas, even the ones that feel a little out of your comfort zone. You take your partner up on most of their invitations to have sex. It feels like you have all this good energy and momentum propelling you forward. That all comes to a screeching halt when the word no enters your relationship vocabulary. I want to be perfectly clear in saying that you are always allowed to say no to anything for whatever reason. Rejection is a normal and healthy part of every relationship. But the problem is that none of us are prepared for it. Hearing the word no from our partner, especially when it comes to sex, typically brings up enormous amounts of shame. I have memories seared into my brain of Xander turning me down for sex and the feelings of embarrassment and even humiliation that overcame me in those moments. Rejection feels so terrible that most of us will go to great lengths to avoid it. If your partner turns you down, your instinct is likely to stop initiating. But if no one is initiating, what do you think is going to happen to your sex life? Performance Issues Our bodies aren't machines, and they don't always do what we want them to do. It's normal to experience a dry vulva, a soft penis, or an orgasm that's too fast or takes too long. And stress can make all these issues so much worse, too. But performance issues definitely aren't part of the fucking fairytale. So that leaves us feeling like it's yet another thing we can't talk about openly. Great sexpectations, Sexual perfectionism, the fucking fairytale expectations of sex affect us on a relationship level, but also on an individual one. In the Hollywood version of sex, everyone knows what they're doing, and they look sexy doing it. No one ever has to ask for directions on how to perform varsity level oral sex. No one ever has a pimple on their butt cheek or bits of toilet paper stuck in their labia. No one's ever thinking about their grocery list while being ravaged by their partner. It leaves us feeling like we have to be just as polished in the bedroom, a phenomenon I call sexual perfectionism. It's the desire to control every aspect of an interaction so that you seem flawless to your partner and to yourself. If you can't talk about sex in your relationship, sexual perfectionism takes a dangerously strong hold on you. As we walk our dogs on the beach, Xander tells me about how this happened for him. Early in our relationship, I didn't feel comfortable talking about sex, so the stakes felt so much higher. I felt like I had to be perfect at sex so that there would never be anything for you to say about it. But no one ever taught me what it means to be good at sex, so I turned to movies and porn. Sexual perfectionism leaves no room for the intricacies of being human, and it tells us that physical intimacy needs to fit an exacting set of standards. Here are some of the ways my clients have described their expectations of I should be able to get turned on spontaneously and easily. I should have a hot body that looks incredible in every position. I should be confident, wild, and uninhibited. Every time I try something new, it should happen exactly as I planned. We need to have simultaneous orgasms every time. I should satisfy my partner and be the best they've ever had. Anytime you hear yourself saying the word should, you're probably veering into perfectionism territory. I had a great professor in grad school who used to tell me, vanessa, stop shoulding all over yourself. For Francesca, perfectionism takes the form of being too afraid to initiate. She had tried to be more assertive with a previous partner, but he laughed at her and called her awkward. So she's extremely hesitant to initiate sex with Jake. In addition to her fears of not being sexy enough with her technique, she worries about how rejected she'd feel if Jake said he wasn't in the mood. I'm already self conscious enough about my mom belly. If he said no to me, I would take it so personally. Like it would be confirmation that he's not attracted to me anymore and he wishes I had my old body back. My story is different from Francesca's, but I can relate. I spent years chasing my individual version of the fucking fairy tale. I wanted to be perfectly sexy and confident, seducing my partner with every look and touch. I fixated on my partner's experience and ignored my own, trying to give them the impression that we were clicking during sex. I faked pleasure, faked orgasm, faked pretty much everything, all in the service of sexual perfectionism. But my performance wasn't good for anyone, and I doubt yours is either. Sexual perfectionism leads to sex that is high on awkwardness and pressure and low on enjoyment and intimacy. It even chips away at your sex drive. Why would you crave such an anxiety inducing experience? But perhaps the worst side effect of sexual perfectionism is is that it leaves you stuck. You're unsatisfied with your non fairy tale sex life, bored of repeating the exact same routine. But you're also too self conscious to suggest or start something different. We all want to see ourselves as someone who is great at sex. So we stick with what we know out of the fear that if we try something new, it won't go perfectly. The devil you know is better than the devil you don't, right? But in this audiobook, I'm asking you and your partner to step outside your comfort zone, be vulnerable and take some risks. So we've got to work together to overcome your sexual perfectionism. Before we go any further, let's tell you a little bit more about Cozy Earth. We are so excited to have them as a pillow talk sponsor because they are are the makers of our absolute favorite bedding we've ever had. In 15 years together, never had bedding that we've loved as much as Cozy Earth and Cozy Earth has teamed up with us to offer you up to 35% off when you use the code pillow talks@cozyearth.com so we have their linen sheets. We have the sheets and the duvet covers and of course, like the pillowcases and all that stuff. It is was unbelievably soft. I cannot believe how soft these sheets are. And they just keep getting softer and softer with every wash, especially the first few washes. Like the difference after, I would say maybe four or five washes, it was like, holy crap, what magic is in these.

Sheets. We just got into bed one night and we were like, whoa. Oh, that just.

Happened. Like, they were great from the beginning, but then a couple of washes in, it was like next level. Truly did not understand what had happened. But their sheets are incredible and they are starting to create a lot of other new products as well. They have sheets, towels, they have clothing now. So there is a whole bunch of stuff to check out and now is a great time to go check it out because they are offering an exclusive deal for Pillow Talks listeners today get up to 35% off. So site wide, 35% off when you use the code pillow talks@cozyearth.com let's tell you a little bit more about our brand new pillow talk sponsor, Athletic Greens. So, as is the case with any potential podcast sponsor, we always insist on trying the product out before we are willing to recommend it to you guys because we take it very seriously what we do and don't recommend. So both of us have been taking AG1 by athletic greens every single day for the past month.

Now. Yeah, we have. And it's.

Great. Yeah. I mean, we're both committed to doing things for our health, to take the best possible care that we can of ourselves. And we've found that taking AG1 has very quickly become an easy habit for us. We both take it in the morning, first thing in the morning, before we've eaten anything, you get a little shaker bottle along with this powder and just shake it up and drink it on.

Down. Shake it, chug it, shake it and chug it. No, it's seriously been a really great morning routine. Yeah. Every morning I'm like, all right, let's go, Athletic Greens.

Time. Yeah. I mean, we both like it. I like the taste of it.

Honestly. Me.

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Out the other half with Normalizing the Imperfections Most people assume Vanessa and I have the perfect sex life. Like we're always horny, constantly trying new things, and having earth shattering orgasms every time. Sometimes everything comes together and we have truly exceptional sex. But oftentimes it's far from ideal. In fact, here's what sex looked like for Vanessa and me. Just last week. I initiated by casually mumbling wanna do it? Note to self, you gotta stop saying this. Vanessa gave me the side eye in response so it was pretty clear she would have appreciated a more enthusiastic invitation. Once we got started, my erection wasn't as rock hard as it can sometimes be and I found myself worrying at times about losing it. Vanessa wasn't particularly wet when we started having intercourse and I got distracted wondering if I should grab the lube from the nightstand. We had an awkward dirty talk situation when I didn't quite catch something Vanessa said and responded with a loud what? Overall, there were moments when things felt really good and moments when things felt a little flat or off. My orgasm was alright, but I've definitely had better. We got some bodily fluids on the sheets that had just been washed and afterward Vanessa wanted to get up to do something together, but I was tired and wanted to stay in bed for a few minutes to collect myself. Despite all that. Both Vanessa and I still enjoyed the experience because our expectations of sex aren't sky high. Neither of us needs or wants unwavering perfection in each and every moment. Of course, if either one of us is having a negative or unpleasurable experience, we take action and either change things up ourselves or make a request of each other. But if we're just experiencing minor ups and downs, we let it be and we definitely don't dwell on it afterward. Just giving ourselves that permission allows us to better enjoy the experience. This is what sex in the real world looks like. It's not effortless. It's not spontaneous. It involves zero mind reading. It's awkward, messy, and quite frankly, kinda bizarre. We all fart, we queef. Sometimes we even bump heads when we switch positions. And that's all okay? Seriously. Plus, if we did have perfect sex every time, that would become normal and there wouldn't be any exceptional times to.

Appreciate releasing the pressure. After Francesca and I talk about the fucking fairytale and sexual perfectionism, she asks me, so am I just supposed to resign myself to a lifetime of boring sex or no sex at all? On the one hand, I feel like I have zero energy for it right now, but I hate myself for that. And it feels awful to think of just throwing in the towel on our sex life. I'm telling you that it's not going to be perfect, not that it's going to be terrible. I respond, we have to tear down all the bullshit expectations you've been taught to have when it comes to sex. Then we build you back up again with a healthier outlook and approach. Sex can be passionate, pleasurable and satisfying, but it's going to look different from the fucking fairy tale. Francesca nods. Okay, let's figure out how we're going to do this. Sexual perfectionism is very personal, so the approach that works best for one person isn't going to work for another. You're about to hear my favorite techniques. Choose the ones that pique your curiosity. Start with one tip at a time and come back when you feel ready for another. Repetition is the key to dismantling sexual perfectionism, so this is going to be a lifelong journey for most of us. Feel your feels. Francesca caught my attention when she said, I hate myself for that, so I started there. I know you're feeling a whole lot of feelings about what's going on with you and Jake right now. You're confused, sad, upset, hopeless, anxious, and so much more. And I've heard you beat yourself up for having those emotions. So not only Are you dealing with the feelings themselves, which are challenging enough, but you're also heaping on your feelings about your feelings. That's just too much. Francesca laughs. Tell me about it. I want to help you break this cycle by giving yourself permission to feel whatever it is that you're feeling. Whenever you notice yourself having a thought or emotion about your sex life, tell yourself, okay, I'm anxious or frustrated or sad. And that's all right. I don't need to criticize myself about it too. The best way to navigate your feelings is to simply notice them and leave them be. What we resist persists. When we accept our own emotions and experiences, they actually dissipate much faster. That's the foundation of emotional intelligence. You think you can try that? Sure, she says. Sounds better than how I'm currently handling things. I'll just pretend that you're there with me in the moment, telling me chess it's okay to feel your feels. Play out the tape Here's a sobering question to ask what will your sex life look like if you continue taking a perfectionistic approach to sex? This may sound dramatic, but how will you feel if you're on your deathbed, looking back at a lifetime of refusing to try new techniques, being lost in self critical thoughts, and never experiencing true intimacy with your partner? Examine your expectations. Make a list of exactly what you think you're supposed to do in the bedroom. Then take a good hard look at it and ask yourself if those expectations are reasonable. Would you tell your best friend that they needed to live up to those same guidelines? Sometimes taking an objective look at the expectations you have of yourself helps you realize how ridiculously high you've set your standards. I did this exercise with my client, Taryn, a queer CIS male still in the honeymoon stage with a new partner. Taryn was suffering from horrible performance anxiety around his erection. He wrote on his list, get a boner as soon as I initiate. I asked him, so you think you should get hard with zero stimulation? You should just get an erection the instant you think to ask your partner, hey, babe, want to head up to the bedroom? Neither you nor your partner should need to touch, kiss, lick, or stimulate your penis in any way. His face blanched. Damn, he said. When you put it that way, it sounds ridiculous. Identify the true villain if you're a perfectionist, your brain likely spews controlling and insulting thoughts at you all day long. These judgments can be so frequent and intense that you assume you're the one thinking them, but you're actually hearing the voice of your inner critic, which is just one very small part of you. If you name that villain or even come up with a full character for them, you can distance yourself from those harsh thoughts. When you hear your inner critic jabbering away at you, talk back to them. Francesca loved this particular tool and decided to name her inner critic Barb. The next time she caught Barb telling her she couldn't possibly initiate sex, she said to herself, okay, Barb, I know you're worried about looking like an idiot, but Jake hasn't ever laughed at me and he's always telling me he wants to feel desired by me. When she noticed negative thoughts during sex, she thought, listen, Barb, I know you've got a thing against my stomach pooch hanging over when I'm on top, but I'm done letting you dictate my sex life. Make a plan. My client Petra wanted to try cowgirl position, but she was too intimidated. She said she didn't know how to do it properly and she was scared that her boyfriend Wesley would make fun of her if she didn't move her hips in the right way. Wesley was there in the session, so I turned to him. Do you want to try cowgirl? I asked. Yes, ma', am, he responded, a big smile on his face. Do you solemnly swear that you will not laugh at Petra even if she messes up cowgirl in the worst possible way? Absolutely. Sometimes it really can be as simple as that. Bring your fears out into the light of day and make a game plan for addressing the worst case scenario. Open up to your partner. Even though we're not yet in the section of the audiobook where you're having structured conversations with your partner, it's still a good time to think about how you might eventually talk to your partner about your fears. Can you tell your partner about the fucking fairytale version of sex that you're trying to dismantle? The sexual perfectionism you're battling? Can you open up about the specific fears or anxieties you have? And can you create a safe space for them to share their own struggles with you? Because I can practically guarantee you that you're not alone if you allow it to happen. This can be a major bonding experience for the two of you. This is what true intimacy is. Letting our partners see our internal world even when it's not a pretty picture. Not keeping our guard up like we do with strangers. Just the tips. Fuck the fucking fairytale. Sex in the real world looks nothing like it does on tv, in the movies, or in porn. Sexual perfectionism is destroying your sex life. It's putting unnecessary pressure on you and your partner, ruining your sex drive, and preventing you from getting unstuck. You're never going to feel like you know exactly what you're doing or have it all together. Awkwardness is the price of admission for a smoking hot sex life. All right, well, we hope you enjoyed chapter one of Sex Talks. What did you guys.

Think?

Yeah. So Sex Talks it is out in all formats. So obviously the audiobook. But if you like Kindle, ebooks, books, or hardcover, those are all available and you can go to sextalksbook.com to order your copy, hear the rest of the.

Story. Yeah, what's going to happen.

Next? Conversations. So on that page, you will see links to all the major retailers that sell Sex Talks. And come back to the page after you've bought your copy, because if you put your order information on that page, we will send you a free workbook to help you dive even deeper. There are even, like, more exercises, communication prompts, all sorts of stuff. It's also 69 pages. I swear that was a complete and utter coincidence. But, I mean, it's kind of perfect.

Right? It's. It's totally.

Perfect. 69 pages for you to dig.

Into. All right, well, that's it for today's episode. I put episode in, quote, since it's kind of an episode and kind of an extra special. Yeah, an extra special episode of Pillow Talk. So thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about Is this Normal? And this is actually part two of the Is this Normal? Franchise series, the franchise of episodes. The first one was very popular and we are so excited to come back with part.

Two.