Episode 105: “Is This Normal?” 2.0 — More Questions You Never Dared To Ask Out Loud

We were not good at it either.

Yeah. And I mean, like, Vanessa was studying to become a sex therapist at this time. It's not like, oh, you. It's not like, you know, you dedicate your life to this career path and all of a sudden you're just perfect at it. She wasn't perfect. I wasn't perfect. We're still not perfect, but we try because we've seen the impact that it makes on our relationship.

Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podc. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Zander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Thanks to Cozy Earth for supporting Pillow Talks. Cozy Earth provided an exclusive offer for our Pillow Talks listeners today. Get up to 35% off site wide when you use code Pillow talks@cozyearth.com thanks to StoryWorth for sponsoring this episode. Give all the dads in your life a meaningful gift. You'll both cherish for years. Storyworth. And save $10 on your first purchase when you go to storyworth.com/pillow. We are back answering the most common question we get asked. Is this normal?

Am I normal? Is it normal?

Is my partner normal?

Is my partner normal?

Is the sex we have normal?

Are my genitals normal?

Is everything normal? So we originally did an is this normal? Episode that was episode 91. But when we put up a call on Instagram for questions, we got so, so many that we instantly knew, okay, this is going to have to be at least a two parter.

Yeah. And that quickly became one of our most popular episodes, so.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, people want to know.

They want to know. They absolutely want to. I have an Is this normal? That is not sex related.

Okay. Are you. You want to ask me?

Yeah. Is it normal? Guys, I'm actually so tired today. Is it normal to have an earworm stuck in your head and it gives you insomnia?

Why don't you clarify what an earworm is? Because when I woke up this morning and Vanessa told me this, for a moment, I was like, oh, my God, she found worms in her ears.

Is it normal to have worms in your ears? An earworm is a song that gets Stuck in your head and you can't get it out of your head. And. And so I had a song stuck in my head, and not even a song, but, like, one line of a song.

It was a song with only one line of lyrics. Basically an electronic song that has, like, one. One vocal sample that just loops not, like, constantly, but, like, in the song many times.

Yeah. And so just was playing in my head all night. All night. And I couldn't get it out.

You just pulled it. Vanessa just grabbed her phone for a second. I. I totally thought she was out to play the song into. And I was like, don't do that.

No, I'm not.

Do that.

No. I've been trying so hard to get this song out of my head. I'm. I'm not going to be playing this song for months.

Yeah, she won't. And she won't. Nor will she tell you what the song is.

No. Nope.

That would be bad.

Absolutely not.

That would be bad. But. Well, let me. You know, from my experience, you know, n count equals one.

Have you ever experienced this?

I have never experienced. I mean, I've had an ear worm for sure. I have never struggled to sleep on account of the. Of me just singing the song. I know.

It sounds so lame. I was so. I know the answer to this. I was Googling. I was up late at night in the dark on incognito mode. Googling.

Wait, were you in incognito mode?

No, I wasn't. Oh, that's what I always talk about when I talk about Googling sex questions. But no, I was Googling, like, earworm. Not able to sleep because of earworm. And it is very normal and common. I learned that there was a medical case of a man who had an earworm in his head for three years.

A medical case?

Yeah. Like, written up in medical.

Is medical or like psychiatric.

Yeah, I mean, it's like written up in a medical journal because he had to seek. He finally went to. I mean, I would have gotten treatment after, like, a week. I'd be going nuts. Three years with the same song stuck in your head. Oh, my God.

Yeah. I mean, but, like, what are they going to do to treat you?

I mean, it was a whole thing. But also, you might find this entertaining. The best antidote for an earworm, apparently, is to sing, like.

It's called a Cure song, not the band the Cure.

So all this research was done in the uk, so the Cure songs were, like, British, like the British anthem. And I was like, I don't know what that is.

I mean, you could have sung. You could have sung like, the, The. The American.

No, they did, like, research on this, and then another one was Karma Chameleon by Culture Club, but I was like, I don't know any of the song other than, like, The only American song.

But does not just replace the earworm with another one.

Yeah, but the only American song was Happy Birthday.

I'm not sure if it's an American song.

I.

As American, it is a song in English, but it is a song, whatever, sung in most local languages around the world.

I just want people to understand. If I sound just bananas in this episode, it's because I was up all.

Night singing happy birthday.

Singing happy birthday to myself. I'm so tired. This is really gonna go off the rails. Either it's gonna go off the rails, or you're just gonna have to carry the whole episode. We'll have to find out.

We'll see. I mean, the only time I have real, like, earworm issues. I wouldn't even call it an issue. Is when I surf. I tend to. I tend to, like, latch on to, like, a line or two from a song and just kind of sing it over and over to myself, but really, it only happens when I'm surfing.

All right, let's go.

All right, well, before we go, we gotta get into our review of the week, which we do every single week.

I just opened the toggle. You're gonna love this one.

Oh, yeah. All right, well, this is rude.

This is so rude.

Why? Just.

Just open the toggle.

I, I. It's open. I'm ready to read it. I'm just waiting for you to stop laughing.

Okay, go.

I came for the sex advice. Stayed for Xander.

Wow.

Love it. Love it.

Knife to the heart.

Hashtag achievement, unlocked. Hashtag life goals.

Of course, this would be, like, the one time that I'm not feeling great recording an episode. All right, so what am I, chopped liver?

So.

All right, let.

Let's. Let's take this as a challenge, people. If you have not left a podcast review.

Wow.

Leave a. Leave a. Please leave a review and, and be as complimentary to Vanessa as possible. Tell her pro tip. Pro tip. Tell her that she's killing it on the podcast. Use killing it at blank as much as possible. Just a direct, like, you know, kind of like speaking straight to Vanessa. That is the best that gets her going more than anything else. She'll be so happy. All right, so let's. Let's read the review. Let's read about how great I am now. I've been listening to this podcast for a year now. At first, I came for the sex advice. Now I feel like they're friends who can help with all aspects of my life. They are by far my favorite podcast of all of them.

Wow. Okay. All right. This is making me feel a little better.

I wish I could know these people, especially Xander. His goofiness makes me feel comfortable with my own hashtag normalize goose.

Oh. Oh, I see. This was written by. It appears to be a. There's a male name in the username.

Thanks, bro.

Maybe they connected with you a little bit more.

Oh, it's okay. Okay. All right. Just whatever makes you feel better, babe.

No, I. I love. You know, everybody's going to connect more with one of us or the other. That's just. That's just human nature, but that's okay. Great. Great review. I'm glad that you feel like we're all friends and that we are your favorite podcast of all of them. There's a lot of podcasts out there. So thank you. Thank you for this review. And it really does mean so much to us because it helps the podcast grow so much when you leave reviews. So if you haven't left one yet, we would greatly appreciate you taking a minute of your time to do so. You can go to the main Pillow Talks podcast podcast page on Apple Podcasts and scroll to the bottom and leave a review there. And we do this weekly giveaway as our little way of saying thank you. So if you hear your review read and you are automatically entered into the giveaway every week going forward, if you hear your review read, you can reach out to us@infovm therapy.com let us know the username that you left the review with, and you will get to choose one of the four of our master classes as your little gift. Absolutely. For free. All right, so let's get into it. So here's how we set up this episode. We asked our Instagram community, and if you're not following us there, go check us out there, too. We're at Vanessa and Xander. Xander is with an X. It's also not pronounced Xander, which a few rare people seem to think it is Xander. It's just Ander. But if it helps you remember how to spell it, Xander. So, anyways, we asked our Instagram community, what questions do you wonder about? Like, is this normal? Is XYZ normal? And then we took some of our favorites, and we have a whole list of them that we're going to go over and tell you our thoughts and opinions. And advice. And we did pick a few of them to poll our Instagram community about. So we know sometimes, like, when you're wondering, is it normal? We really want to know, like, am alone in this. So we wanted to give you some numbers and let you know how many other people might be in similar situations. So the first question that we had was, is it normal to be married? And we kind of changed this one around a little bit to just, like, to be in a committed relationship, but still not feel a hundred percent, 100% comfortable talking about sex.

And this time around, because of Vanessa's earworm condition, and also because usually we do this the opposite way, we're going to play a fun little game where we have Vanessa, guess what the responses are going to be.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

Oh, no. Okay.

So how well do you know our audience? How well do you know your own business, babe? So how many people. How many people are still not 100% comfortable talking about sex?

45.

71%. Yeah. So 20. So these are people who follow us on Instagram. I want to be really clear. These are people that, you know, have been part of our. I can't tell you how long they've been following us, but, you know, this is a. This is a cross section of the Instagram community. Yeah. So we have 29% of people said that they were comfortable talking about sex before finding us, and 71% of people said no. So that's a lot.

That is a lot.

And that's why we wrote a book about this topic. Right, Vanessa?

Oh, yeah. That's why we wrote Sex Talks, the five conversations that will transform your love life. If you haven't picked up your copy yet, definitely go on over to sextalksbook.com we have all the links for you there. And you can come get a free workbook, too. But look, it's very, very Norma normal to not feel comfortable about sex. And it doesn't matter if you're in the early stages of dating or you've been married or together for decades. Like, we just aren't taught how to talk about sex. And so many of us feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, and ashamed. So if you are one of those people, please don't feel ashamed for being ashamed to talk about sex. It's very normal. It's very common. This is why we do the work that we do. And even in sex talks, you will hear us talk about our own struggle talking about sex in our relationship. Like, we were not good at it either.

Yeah. And I mean, like, Vanessa was studying to become A sex therapist at this time. It's not like, oh, you. It's not like you. You know, you dedicate your life to this career path and all of a sudden you're just perfect at it. She wasn't perfect. I wasn't perfect. We're still not perfect, but we try because we've seen the impact that it makes on our relationship. Well, Vanessa, is it normal to go dry mid sex, even if I'm in the mood for you? I don't know.

This question was from a vulva owner, and there were also some similar questions. Another person wrote, like, is it normal that I get so wet during sex that neither of us can feel very much? So let's talk about wetness with vulvas. The most important thing for you to understand is that wetness is. Is not an indicator of arousal. That is so important. I'm going to repeat it again. Wetness is not an indicator of arousal. So our bodies experience arousal and desire. Our heads experience arousal and desire, and they can often function independently of each other. There's even a name for this, non concordance. So if you are feeling mentally excited and in the mood and wanting to have sex but you're dry, it doesn't mean that you're secretly not turned on. And similarly, if you're like, not at all mentally in the mood, like, no, I don't want to have sex. I'm not into it right now. But you're wet. That does not mean you are secretly turned on. So I think a lot of people don't understand this. And it often gets used. It kind of gets weaponized against women. You know, we hear a lot of women saying, like, oh, well, but my partner says, like, oh, but you're wet. That means you want to do it. And it's like, I don't care what your body is responding, like, it's what we want or don't want in our heads that matters the most.

That's not to say that there's like no correlation between the two. Yeah. At all. Very often they do go hand in hand, but there are also many instances where they don't go hand in hand.

Yeah. And some people will have more non concordance than others. So some people might feel like, actually it feels like my wetness does align with my brain, like, pretty, you know, pretty well. And there are other people who will be on the complete other end of the extreme, like, no, it feels like my brain and my body are on completely different pages. So it's just really important to know, though, at the End of the day, that there is not perfect alignment between our wetness and our desire. And it's most important to us to pay attention to what your head is wanting or not wanting.

So yeah, when it comes to like going dry mid sex or getting so wet during sex, I think this just comes down to like bodies doing body things. Like all of our bodies react differently, they all behave differently. And it doesn't, like, doesn't mean anything other than we have a functioning body. So like in the case of going dry mid sex, like it might just be that, you know, your body produces a certain amount of lubricant and then it stops.

Well also the important thing to recognize, I don't know if this person is having like intercourse or penetration or something, but the natural lubricant that our body produces, it's not designed to last a long time. Like it does dry up quickly.

Yeah, it's not unlimited.

So if you're having a limb, we.

Have a limited amount of everything in our bodies.

If you are having a longer session, and to be clear, I mean this is another little interesting. Is it normal? Like the average intercourse session is typically between two to five minutes. So if you're going longer than that, it's going to be very normal and common for you to start feeling dry. So the solution there, just bring in some lube. There's no issues with like bringing in lube. It can be so fun. We recommend lube for any couple.

Yeah, I mean I think the other thing that I want to point out is like if you have ever used lube before, and especially if you've used water based lube, it doesn't last for very long. Right. Like it dries up. So why would the natural lubricant that your body creates be any different? It is water based too. Like our, we humans are water based. We are water based creatures. Like you are not secreting silicone based lube. But even silicone based lube, even, even, even silicone based lube does dry up after some amount of time. It's not like an unlimited thing. Otherwise you'd use lube once and you'd be like, well, I'm just perma lubed.

Perma lubed. Wow.

But no, I. So I mean like, yeah, it is totally normal and natural that any type of lubricant dries up, especially water based lubricant. So yeah, I think people just still get in their head so much like, oh, should be natural. But like we always say, like nothing with sex just is natural.

But then this is an interesting. Like, let's look at the other end of the spectrum, this other question that said, like, is it normal that I get so wet during sex that neither of us can feel much like this is an issue as well? So if you are experiencing this, again, it's not related to your mental desire a hundred percent. It's just your body doing body things. Xander's favorite saying. But the solution here is just to, if you're doing penetration, like, have your partner pull out, wipe off a little bit. Like, you can have a nice, you know, gentle washcloth with you. Just pull out, wipe off a little bit, and then go back to it. And you might need to repeat that a few times if your body really is producing a lot of natural lubricant. But again, it doesn't need to be that big of a deal. Just take a quick second to take care of it and then get back to the fun.

All right, moving on. Is it normal that we use sex to get over fights?

The phrasing of this question is very interesting. So let's talk about makeup sex. I mean, I do think there is for some people, not for all people, but for some people, there is this undeniable reality that makeup sex can feel pretty intense. It's, like, exciting. Yeah. Emotions are already heightened. Just things feel intense. And, like, that intensity can go into the sex. So I do want to be realistic. Like, for some people, makeup sex can feel very exciting. But the way the question is worded here is we use sex to get over fights.

Yeah, the. Use the use verb. I don't love.

Yeah. So to me. So this makes me curious about this couple's coping mechanisms. Like, do they have the tools to process arguments in a healthy, communicative way? Or are they just turning to sex? Because that feels like the easier thing.

Yeah. What I wonder about this. I wonder if this is a couple, perhaps, where both members are. Have sex to feel connected. I wonder if. Because. Because there's. We say there's two types of people in the world. There are people that. And of course, there are gray areas too. But in general, someone mo. Many people want to need to feel emotional connection before they are open to having physical intimacy. And then other. Many other people like to have physical intimacy, I. E. Sex, in order to feel emotionally connected. It's not you have one and then therefore, you have the other. But it's sort of like a chicken and egg type of thing. It's like, oh, well, you know, I. If we have sex, I'm okay having sex. If we don't feel super connected because I know that I will feel more, more connected afterwards versus, like, oh, I don't really feel like great or safe having sex because we don't have this baseline of emotional connection yet. And I need to have that emotional connection in order to really feel open and even turned on to having sex. So I do wonder, you know, maybe if you're two people that like to have sex in order to feel connected, that this could be somewhat more effective. But it's still. It still feels like maybe you're skipping some important verbal. Yeah, the verbal communication.

Yeah. So I think it's really important for every couple to have the tools to process and repair arguments. Like, arguments are just a normal, healthy part of relationships. Like, you're going to have conflict. And so we all need to learn ways to resolve it. And we do have some podcast episodes that you can look, listen back to about helping you fight fair, better learn better communication tips, all that kind of stuff. But we need to have other tools. So it's okay to have makeup sex, like every once in a while, but it shouldn't be your main coping strategy.

Yeah, I mean, the other question that I would ask anyone that is in this situation is like, what happens after the sex about that argument or that fight that you were in? Like, do you ever process it or do you ever kind of verbally get over it? Or is it like there are things that are like, you know, like there's no resolution and then it's. But then it feels like the sex is the only resolution. It's like, yeah, like, how do you end up coming away from that feeling? Like, I can imagine, I can understand how in that moment it might be like, like, okay, well, yeah, for today, this seems to have simmered down. But, like, do you find yourself still thinking about, like, whatever the disagreement was days or weeks later? I think that's a sign that, yeah, the sex may have smoothed things over in the short term, but you haven't actually resolved whatever it was that you were at odds about. All right, Vanessa, another one. Is it normal that my vagina and not mine? Is it normal that one's vagina hurts or burns after sex?

All right, this is a rare question where we are going to say, no, it's not normal to experience any sort of pain or discomfort during or after sex. Unfortunately, sexual pain is just so common. One in every three women experienced sexual pain during the last time she had sex, which is just, wow, absolutely mind boggling statistic. So we do have a whole episode on this it's episode 72, the lowdown on painful sex. So if you're experiencing any sort of discomfort after sex, make sure to go check out that episode.

All right. I was going to quiz Vanessa on all these poll results, but I've taken pity on her. And we will just. We will just.

Wow. Rude.

We will just. I will read the poll results. I'm going to say this one is extremely normal.

Mm.

Only a quarter of people, or 26% of people, said that they have never resented their husband after having a baby. Now, the rest of people, this breaks down to 20% of people said yes, a lot, A lot of resentment. And 55% of people said yes from time to time.

That's a lot of resentment.

That's a lot of resentment. And I mean, hey, it is normal to occasionally resent your partner for something. I think the important thing is what we do with that feeling of resentment.

And I think in this case, there are a lot of potential causes for resentment. And honestly, if I'm being brutally honest, like, I, I actually worry about how much resentment I would feel if we were to get pregnant and have a baby. Like, I just feel like my entire pregnancy, I would be resentful at you. And because I'm the one who had to carry the baby, like, you couldn't. So any little, you know, oh, I have morning sickness, my back hurts, I can't eat the foods that I want to. Like, I am tired. I would just, like, honestly, I'm being brutally honest here. I feel like every little symptom I would have, it would just feel so easy to be, at the very least, annoyed with you. Like, resentment is a strong, is a strong word. But I feel like if I was really struggling, it'd be so easy for that annoyance or that frustration to turn into resentment. And then all the, all the challenges of actually giving birth, like, the pain and the way that it affects your body and having to heal from all of that, and also the very real reality that a baby is much more dependent on the birthing partner, you know, for survival. Like, we'd be breastfeeding and having that skin to skin time and just, you know, all the things like, like, I, I just feel like I would be one big ball of resentment.

I can, I, I can see that. I can absolutely see that. I mean, I. The way, the way that you look at me after you have a period cramp. It's. It's major annoyance. It's major annoyance. I'm not going to say that it's resentment because I don't I don't believe that it is. No.

However, but cramp is different because it's like that's just my body. But.

I know, but what I'm saying is that, you know, like, given the. Of annoyance you have about that, I'm like if, you know, during, during childbirth or during pregnancy. Yeah. I think it would be a bit more, it would be a bit more than that.

Yeah. I mean, I think even with the most. And I know you would be a very thoughtful and kind partner, but even in those situations, it's like there are so many things that only the mother can do and so many ways that the, the load and the responsibility can feel imbalanced. That it, it's just so easy for that to tip into feelings of resentment. I, you know, obviously one of our big things is communication, just constant communication. Like you have to be able to check in about this stuff. And when you're able to communicate about resentment, you can catch things so much sooner and really like nip them in the bud. Like, okay, I just have to share this. I want, you know, or this is what I need. Or I want you to step up more in this way or whatever it is. Like, that's such a great way to be able to catch that resentment before it really starts to snowball into something big and ugly. And I also just want to normalize. Like, I can't imagine going through pregnancy, childbirth, and all of your child raising years and never feeling resentment. Like, I honestly don't really believe the people who said no. Yeah, fair, fair. I'm sure you felt like at least, I mean, I felt resentful of you just in our relationship, like without even the complication of a kid. Resentment's a normal emotion. But just like you were saying earlier, it's what we do with it and can we catch it in those early stages and address it rather than letting it snowball into this massive, huge problem. So we also want to say a lot of times the resentment can come up around childcare because there's all this mental load stuff that has never been present in your relationship before or maybe.

Only present in like a much smaller way.

Yeah, there's. There's mental load in every relationship. So if that's a piece of the puzzle for you, you can definitely check out episodes 4 and 95. Those are both about mental load. And if you want a really thorough guide to navigating all of the challenges that pregnancy, childbirth and kids can have on your relationship and your sex life, we will link a course for you in the show notes. It's all about how parents can reconnect, rediscover intimacy after kids. And it's a really, really practical and great course. Before we go any further, let's tell you a little bit more about Cozy Earth. Because as much as we love having them as a podcast sponsor, they've actually created a pretty serious problem for us.

They have, they have. We have a conundrum on our hands.

Can you tell us what the conundrum is?

So here's the deal. Vanessa and I love to travel. We travel a lot. We like to stay in nice hotels. And Cozy Earth is starting to cause a problem because when we go to fancy hotels, we often get into bed and we're like, shoot, these sheets are not as good as our sheets at home. Like, why am I staying in this super fancy, expensive hotel when I could just go sleep in my own bed at home and be a million times more comfortable? And like, I seriously, I think twice now, I'm like, I'm like waiting to get home when we are on vacation. They've ruined us to get into my own own bed. That is how good we are talking here.

If you want to know what we are talking about. Good news is we have teamed up with Cozy Earth and they are offering you up to 35% off when you use the code pillow talks@cozyearth.com so go over to cozyearth.com and check out everything that they have to offer. Their best selling bamboo sheet set is also temperature regulating. That is wonderful. And we have the linen variety of it that have we, we really, really enjoy. But they have all sorts of other products as well. They have towels, they have clothing on top of the bedding. It seems like they're coming out with a lot of new stuff. So keep checking back. And like we said, Cozy Earth provided an exclusive offer for Pillow Talks listeners today. This is a really good deal. I mean, I don't think we've ever had this big of a discount code before. Get up to 35% off site wide when you use the code Pillow Talks. And that's all one word, just Pillow Talks. One word. @cozyearth.com let's tell you a little bit more about Storyworth. So our year with Storyworth finally came to an end. We signed both of my parents up for it when they initially wanted to be a podcast sponsor. And so my parents all year have been submitting their stories through Storyworth and we are in the process now of like getting their book made. They have both really been enjoying they Actually both talked about doing like, they're like, can we do an extension of it? Like, we want to keep going with the story. So I think they've both really been enjoying doing it and I am just so excited to get this keepsake at the end of the experience. So before I go any further, let me just tell you. StoryWorth is offering $10 off your first purchase at storyworth.compillow and if you've never heard of Storyworth before, they're an online service that helps you and your loved ones connect through sharing stories and memories. So what you do is when you sign your loved one up every week, Storyworth emails that person a thought provoking question and you can choose these too, but it'll email them that question and that person, your loved one has to like fill in their answers. Storyworth gathers all the answers and at the end of the year they put them together in this beautiful keepsake book. You can design it, you can add photos to it and it's just something that you can really treasure, your whole family can treasure for generations to come. So in particular, it's been really fun watching my dad go through this because my dad is, he's a man of few words. Like, he's not the most talkative kind of guy. He's like lovely and wonderful. We love my dad, but we have some big personalities in our family and my dad can be on the quieter side. So we don't often hear his stories as much as other people. And so being able to track his progress through Storyworth and see him writing his stories like he just did one recently about asking what his job was in high school and he worked at a jewelry shop. He was a jeweler. And I've heard like, I knew that he had that job before, but I've never heard any actual stories about it. So we were just looking it up again right now. There's this whole story about like the different people who worked there and the customers who came in and how he got to go in the back and look at the diamonds. Like that was his favorite part of the job. So just like these cute little details and that you would never think to ask and maybe stories that, yeah, get neglected and in favor of other stories. So it's just, I don't know, it's been a really sweet experience and I'm so excited to get this book. I think it's a very meaningful gift to give anybody in your life and it's a gift that is going to give back to you too because you're Going to get to experience all these stories so you can give all the dads in your life a unique, meaningful gift you'll all cherish for years. Storyworth. And right now, for a limited time, you'll save $10 off your first purchase when you go to storyworth.com pillow that's S-T-O-R-Y W-O-R-T-H.com pillow to save $10 on your first purchase.

All right, Vanessa, Is it normal to hate blowjobs? And I think, to clarify, this was a, this was a person who gives blowjobs. Is it normal to hate giving blowjobs?

So this is an interesting question. I mean, our bottom line that we always come down to is it's your body. You get to decide what feels good and not good to you. So we're never going to tell people like, you have to do this in your sex life or you have to love this. And sex, just like anything else in life, is something that we have personal preferences around, like things that we enjoy doing and things that we don't enjoy doing. So if giving blow jobs is just something that doesn't, it doesn't feel good for you, whether it's, you know, maybe there's a safety issue involved or maybe it's just a pure preference issue, like that's understandable and okay. And we are never going to tell you you have to give blowjobs. So that's the most important thing. I do also think that one thing that comes up with giving blow jobs is either you don't feel confident in your technique or you're actually doing them wrong in a way that's really uncomfortable and unpleasant.

Yeah, it's causing it to uncomfortable for you.

Yeah. So a classic example of this is if you feel like the only way to give a blow job is like deep throating, that is very difficult to do. It's not a technique that we recommend for the average person or really for any person. It's not that great of a technique. It's really just something you see in porn and feel like you're supposed to do. So if that's the way you're approaching blowjobs, it makes a lot of sense to hate them. And it's important to know that is not the only way or the best way to give them. So we will link for you in the show notes, our foreplay guides. We do really step by step, very exciting techniques for giving blow jobs and hand jobs for all genitals and really walk you through it in a way that makes it so much easier and so much more enjoyable. So if you're somebody who is thinking like, ooh, yeah, like the way that I do, it feels really unpleasant, it's hard, it hurts my jaw, it hurts my neck, it feels exhausting. Or if you're somebody who doesn't like giving them because you don't know what you're doing and you feel self conscious of like, I don't know what I'm doing and this is embarrassing and my partner doesn't seem to like it. Like, definitely go check those guides out. They can be absolutely game changing for you. But again, at the end of the day, if you're like, you know what? It just, it's not an activity that I feel comfortable doing, feel safe doing. Like, that is your prerogative. You get to decide that.

Our next question is, is it normal that I started masturbating at age 5?

I am so glad that somebody added this question because yes, it is normal. And I think this is something that most people don't realize. So children of all ages masturbate and I know this is really uncomfortable to talk about because we think of masturbation as this very adult thing and it's uncomfortable to think of about kids doing.

Or teenage at the very least.

Yeah. But even fetuses in the womb have been found, like on ultrasounds you can see fetuses masturbating. So it's not masturbating in this adult, very sexual way. It's just exploring their own bodies and delighting in their own bodies and feeling like, oh, it feels good when I do this. Oh, and it feels good when I do this. So it's extremely, extremely normal for kids to be curious about their own bodies, like all over their bodies and just want to explore and figure out what feels good to them. So if you have, you know, remember having this experience, you probably feel a lot of shame and embarrassment about it. Maybe your parent caught you and even chastised you for it. But it's really important to know that it's normal, it's common, it's nothing to be ashamed of. If you're a parent yourself, obviously there are ways to talk to your child about, like when and where they're doing it. Like a lot of kids, you know, they don't realize what they're doing. So they're going to be doing it out in the grocery store, like on the playground, stuff like that. So, you know, we need to talk to them about, you know, saying something very simple like that feels good, doesn't it? That that's something that we do in our bedrooms, you know, by ourselves. So that's just, you know, quick little script that you can use if you find your child doing it. But again, the bottom line is this is normal. It's nothing to be embarrassed at of. So stop feeling ashamed of it, all right?

Now, is it normal to hate the feeling of cum dripping out of me after we finish?

All right, this is another very interesting topic. So, again, like, it. There is just preference stuff that comes up here. If you're not a fan of semen dripping out of you after intercourse, that's fine. Like, we're not here to convince you that you absolutely should love it.

Yeah. I mean, granted, like, there's gotta be some. I've never experienced it. It. But I can imagine that there's an uncomfortability factor of that. Right? Like, you get up, you're trying to go about your day, doing other things, and, you know, it's like. I mean, I can imagine it's like when I have a really runny nose and I can't stop my nose from running and, like, snot drips down my face. That sucks. That sucks. So I can imagine. I can imagine that. That is annoying. I mean, at least fortunately, like, you know, it is an area that is not visible to everybody else in the world. But, you know, I have empathy for this.

I'm also realizing that we probably should have backed up and, like, described this one a little bit more.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. When. When does this happen, Vanessa? Is it normal that I always have cum just dripping out of all of my orifices?

That's gotta be the sound bite for the episode. Okay, so this one is referring to after you've had intercourse. The vulva owner.

Yeah.

Unprotected, like, no. Condom intercourse. Yeah. So the penis ejaculated into you, and gravity helps it work its way back out of you. So I refer to this as the gush. It's like you can clean up afterwards. There definitely are fluids there, and you, like, wipe them away. But inevitably, like. And it really can depend. Sometimes it can be as fast as, like, 30 minutes. Sometimes it can be the next freaking day. But you get the gush of, you know, you feel that cum just come sliding right out of you. It can be unpleasant, for sure. It can catch you by surprise. It can be a little bit messy. And it's also just a totally normal and natural part of having intercourse without a condom. Like, it goes up in there, it's gotta make its way out of there. So it is important to me to like, to normalize that there is is a quote unquote mess that goes along with intercourse. Because I think sometimes we get a little bit too in our heads about wanting sex to be this very, like, clean, hygienic.

Sterile.

Yes. Sterile is like the perfect word for it. And like, sex is messy and there are body fluids involved and odors and, you know, flavors, all kinds of stuff. And like, that's normal and. Okay.

Yeah. I mean, unfortunately, all the sex scenes we see portrayed on TV and in the movies, it's like the dude just rolls over, they jump out of bed, there's no kind of cleanup. So of course we get this idea in our head that like, oh, it's as if nothing ever happened. But unfortunately there's a lot of issues with the way that we see sex portrayed, you know, in. In the media. So.

Yeah. So if this is. I would just get curious, like, if this feels like it might be about shame or embarrassment coming up for you, then it's important just to normalize. Like, this is just a part of sex.

Yeah. I mean, wonder, is there. Is there a reframe available to you of like, this is a reminder of the, like, fun or the hot sex that we had, you know, an hour ago or the. A day ago or. Or whatever it is. And. Or if maybe the sex wasn't so fun for you, but maybe it was for your partner. Maybe it's an opportunity to start looking at. Huh? Yeah. Well, of course I'm feeling annoyed about this because it's a reminder that it wasn't very good for me. Me. So maybe, you know, maybe it would be better to first focus on. Let's try to figure out how to get that sex better for you so that then, you know, the next day, the next couple hours, whenever you do feel that gush, that it can maybe be like a fun, sexy reminder of what happened.

And also, just to cover the logistics of this, there is no way to prevent this other than having your partner ejaculate somewhere else. Like, gravity is going to make the. That semen come out. Do not use panty liners because those are not good for your vulva. And do not use. I'm not going to shout out the brand name, but there's a product that you insert it into yourself to clean it out that is not safe for you either. So don't use anything else. You just have to let it work its way out. Or if it bothers you that much, have them ejaculate somewhere Else. All right, Zander, our next poll. Is it normal that my husband doesn't like to kiss? So we pulled this as do you like kissing? We to want. Wanted to see for people of all genders, what do they think about kissing? So what are the results?

There are a range of results. Surprise, surprise. So 65% of people said that, yes, they do like kissing. Okay, though, you know, it's just stopping right there. That is an interesting result in that, like, we see, you know, kissing portrayed everywhere as like the, the really the only indicator of the, like, oh, there's more than a friendship in this relationship. Like, that is, you know, the kiss.

Kissing is very universal.

You know, in a, in a movie. Kissing is the portrayal of, oh, this is now a romantic relationship, right? Like, oh, this is like going to become a sexual relationship, right? Like, I, I can't think of any portrayal of love or a relationship that isn't signified with a kiss. So we see that and we think, oh, well, this is, this is the way that love, you know, this is how we represent love. This is how we represent a relationship. And knowing that, it is interesting to find that only 65% of people, less than two thirds of people actually like that act. That means that they're, you know, that there are 35% of people that are. That are not, like, wildly into kissing. And so the way that breaks down is 23% of people said they're kind of neutral.

Wow.

9% of people said it depends. And 4% of people said they don't like kissing.

Very interesting.

So, you know, most of those, most of those people are in a sort of, like, neutral or depends type of situation. It is only 4% of people that are saying they straight up up don't like kissing.

That's. I mean, that's still significant. 4% of people. Yeah, it's like a decent, decent little chunk to not like something that, like, you're saying, most of us think of as just like, very essential and basic.

Oh, yeah. But I mean, you know, even like the 23 plus 9 for, like the neutral and depends, that's mental math. 32% of people, like, that's like essentially a third of the population is, like, not wildly loving a kiss. It's like, if you think about this, like, like if you're dating or something and you're going in for a kiss with someone, one out of three people that you're dating are like, maybe actually secretly not so into that. That's kind of a. That's kind of a mind fuck, right? There.

So if you want to know more about kissing, check out episode seven, what makes a great kiss, and what to do if you don't like the way your partner kisses. All right, Xander, I want to ask you, as our resident penis owner, want to ask you this one.

1.

Is it normal for a man to need assistance, like in the form of a hand job or a blow job, to get hard before intercourse?

This is a very good question. And actually, when I saw, like, the wording of this is so very interesting to me, the assistance to get hard, because I think that there is a. There's a subtle implication in. Inside of this that. That somehow, like, that a man perhaps should not need any assistance to get hard. And I guess I'm kind of curious, like, what does that mean? Like, that it's just like, boing, pop the boner out of nowhere. Because, I mean, the reality is, is, like, the way that arousal works is like, you know, we get aroused by something, whether that's like a thought, like something in our head or something physical. And, you know, and then we get hard. Right? So if you think about it, you have to have some sort of assistance, whether that is like mental assistance or physical assistance in order to get hard. So I. I think that it's kind of impossible to say that you shouldn't need assistance to get hard. And. But it's just. It's. It's interesting because it's like. Well, you know. Well, we were just talking about kissing. It's like we sort of have this. This. We sort of have this, like, unspoken, acceptable level of, like, what is. What is a normal amount of assistance versus maybe an abnormal amount of assistance? Because I think no one would argue that, like, oh, well, you know, I would. I wouldn't expect my partner to just be rock hard without us kissing. Without us maybe kind of like touching or fondling each other a little bit. Right? So. But, yeah, so then. But then it's like, okay, well, then, like, yeah, where. Where do you draw the line? Like, oh, well, I shouldn't need to touch his penis or I shouldn't need to put my mouth on his penis. I don't know. It's just. It's just kind of interesting to me.

To me, this just speaks to, I think, really unfair and unrealistic expectations that we have of men when it comes to sex. Like, you know, so many women who have sex with men complain to us, like, oh, he's always going too fast. Like, he doesn't ever do any foreplay. I want him to down and touch Me and kiss me more. And yet we flip the situation around and it's like, oh, I don't want to have to give him any assistance. Yeah, like, he should just be, you know, rock hard the immediate second that we want to have intercourse. And that's just not fair.

And, and interestingly, that might actually feed into the dynamic of moving quickly of like, oh, if, If I like. Because I've definitely been in places like this before. Both, Both with. In my relationship with you and also in the past where, like, if I don't feel comfortable asking for additional assistance because I also may. You know, I've also judged myself of like, oh, I don't want to need anything extra. I don't want to have to ask for something that I deem to be extra. And so, like, I've gotten in my head about that before and felt like, oh, okay, well, like, it's hard right now. Now I gotta go because if I lose it, then I'm gonna have to ask for something else, which I don't feel good asking about. And so, yeah, like, if you have this dynamic in your relationship where there's sort of this vibe of like, oh, like, I don't really want to have to help or do more than just kissing or whatever you. You're. The normal things are for you, then, yeah, of course, like, your partner is going to pick up on that too. And so then it's like the moment they're hard, it's like, it's. It's go time.

Yeah. I mean, here's another way of thinking about it. Like, if you've ever had your partner initiate sex and you feel this, like, immediate pressure from them that you're supposed to be turned on and, like, so ready to go and so excited, and you're like, ah, you know, you feel on. On the spot or like, you know, frustrated by that pressure. Like, that's the same kind of pressure that you're putting on your partner by thinking that he should just immediately be able to get hard with zero contact.

Yeah, like stimulation. I mean, I think, like, I would love to change, change, change this question. Like, change the word assistance to stimulation. Like, is it normal for a man to need stimulation to get hard? Yes, absolutely.

Very, very normal.

Yeah. And it would be quite abnormal. I mean, it would actually be. It's a medical problem if you are constantly hard for more than four hours. Right. What is it? Priapism? Like, yeah, like, you need, you need. You need to literally have your penis drained of blood.

Let's not go there.

Okay, Sorry. Guys. Sorry, guys, but okay, we're never gonna.

Have men listen to this podcast again.

Let me just bring this back to myself, okay, for a second. I would say. Well, for me personally, far more often than not, I'll use the words, even though I don't like them, that this person asked.

No, just say, say stimulation.

Okay. I. I need stimulation in order to get hard before sending sex. More often than not, you know, I would say probably for me, like, 80 to 90% of the time, I need some amount of hand job or blow job to get hard. And sometimes. Sometimes it happens just from kissing, and that can be fun. And it's also really fun to get stimulation because stimulation feels good.

I know. It's like, it feel. It's not a bad thing. It feels good. It's enjoyable. It's necessary. Like, let's not. Well, let's all just be kind and generous partners to each other and not make somebody feel bad if they're not instantly ready to go the second that you.

Yeah. And, I mean, I think ultimately it comes down to getting comfortable with our own, like, technique when it comes to giving stimulation to our partner. Because I know, like, I know, you know, when I feel good about. I know how to stimulate Vanessa. It is fun to stimulate her. And for her, she knows how to stimulate me, and it's fun for her to stimulate me, to see me get excited. Just like, it's fun for me to see her get excited. So let's not judge each other.

It's fun to make a boner.

Yeah, it's. So.

Yeah, you're like, look what I did. Look what I did. All right, I've got a new question for you. Is it normal to not have sex for a year after having a baby?

Well, here's what people said. So 40% of people said that they. They started having sex as soon as they were medically cleared.

That seems really high to me.

Well, there were a lot of them. However, there were more. 43% of people said that it was somewhere between after being medically cleared, but within six months. So within six months.

Common.

Yeah. Yeah. So that's most common. So if you add Those together, it's 83% of people, it was somewhere within six months. 14% of people said between six to 12 months, and 3% of people said more than 12 months.

And there can be so many different things at play here. Like, it could be the resentment that we were talking about earlier. It could be that you're not medically cleared. I mean, that. That can happen for a lot of people. It might be that you feel nervousness about going back to it, feeling afraid of pain. It could be just being so overwhelmed with parenting that you just don't know how to get back to that intimate relationship between the two of you. So the bottom line is it's very normal some time to adjust to going back to being sexual with each other.

Yeah. It's not just a matter of it going back to the way it was. I think so many of us get this idea in our heads that, oh, sex is just. Is totally unrelated from having a kid, from the changes in our relationship. It's not, it's not like it's. It's part of everything. So, like, if, if you. Yeah, if you are struggling in many other areas of your life, you are almost certainly going to be struggling in your sex life life too. It's not just like, okay, cool, I can be like totally slammed in all these other areas and just have this rocking sex life.

Yeah. We really want to normalize the challenges that parents face in reconnecting sexually. And again, we will link that course that we mentioned before, rediscovering intimacy for parents. And we also have episode 61, putting the O Back in mom, one of our most creative podcast titles I think we've ever had. So go check that one out.

We should have named it From MM to Mom. Putting the O Back in Mom. From Mm to Mom.

Mom's like, mm, I don't wanna have sex.

All right, Vanessa, Is it normal to feel shame and disgust after orgasm?

It's definitely common to feel that. And I think, you know, we all deal with some amount of shame around sex. Like, it's just impossible not to take on any shame. We are all taught to feel embarrassed about sex, so it is normal to feel some amount of that. And I think for some people after an orgasm, it can feel like this very vulnerable moment. I mean, you've just had this like, rush of neurotransmitters and hormones in your body. And a lot of people experience strong emotions after orgasm. So crying after orgasm is very common. Hysterically laughing can happen and feeling waves of shame and, you know, regret and all kinds of stuff that can happen after orgasm as well. It's just, it's just a sensitive time where you. You let things in a little more so than you might otherwise. So we do have another great podcast, episode 65, how to overcome sexual shame with our seven step process. So it is normal to experience that shame, to have that, like, knee jerk reaction, but it's not. I don't know how to say this.

It's like, it's not normal for that to just come out of nowhere. Like it. It came from somewhere. And it's. It's kind of a matter of getting to the root ca of like, where did I learn that sex was a shameful or a disgusting thing to do?

What I wanna say is it's not normal to live a life full of shame about a very normal, healthy, unshameful activity. So we wanna encourage you whatever shame it is that you're dealing with, and again, we all have it, there's no shame in feeling shame. But we do wanna encourage you to actively work to untangle and address that shame than just feeling like, oh, well, this just is what it is. I guess I have to live with this for the rest of my life.

Cause you don't.

You don't. And having a shame free sex life feels unbelievable. It's a very worthy goal to work towards. All right, our last question. Is it normal to be bored AF with partnered sex?

I love how the addition of AF.

Bored AF. I'm not just bored, I'm bored AF. Well, what did Instagram say?

Well, okay, so 5% of people said that they are often or all the time bored AF.

Wow. Wow. Often or all the time.

Okay, so 5, 5%.

Yeah.

However, 54%. A whopping 54. A majority. Over 50% of people said that they are sometimes bored AF with intercourse.

Wow.

And yeah, 40% of people said rarely or never.

So we got a lot of board people.

Yeah, there, there are. There are a couple mind in here. You know, we were talking about the kissing one. Like, you know, one in three people that you kiss might kind of secretly not be super into that. And 54% of people are sometimes. Or, I mean, we can add this together. 59 of people, 60% of people are. Yeah, like approximately 6 in 10 people are. Yeah. Are like sometimes or more than sometimes really bored during intercourse. That is.

That's wild.

That's. That's wild. And I mean, to be clear to all the guys out there, our Instagram audience is like 90% female.

We need some more.

So men. Yeah.

Of all genders.

So for the most part, this is a lot of women. Women saying that they are sometimes, often or all the time bored AF with intercourse. So, yeah, we got some work to keep that in mind. That we got some work to do because it doesn't have to be that way.

So here's the thing. I do want to normalize that sometimes you have distracting thoughts pop into your Head. Sometimes you just get a little distracted in the moment.

I've been distracted.

Yeah. It's not like you're going to have, like. It's not. I don't want to set the expectations that sex should be like, you're 100% present and focused and Zen and in the mode, you know, like, it's okay and normal to be, you know, distracted from time to time. But if you feel like you're regularly feeling bored during sex, that's not normal. And that's not like, first of all, feeling bored in the moment is not a great feeling because then it often leads to this feeling of, like, sex being done to you rather than you actively engaging in having sex.

You're not a participant in the experience.

Or it's that it's all about your partner's pleasure and it's not really anything about you, which is a whole other thing as well. So it's like, not only is it unpleasant to deal with in the moment itself, but also it's going to heavily, heavily impact your sex drive. Like, why are you going to have a sky high sex drive if your experience of sex is regularly being bored? That doesn't make any sense to crave a boring experience. So the good news is we gotcha. You can feed two birds with one scone here. If you work on having more pleasurable and enjoyable sex. Actually, you can feed three birds with one scone.

Wow.

You can have more pleasure, you can feel less boredom, and you can desire sex more often. Often three birds. One's gone.

Yeah.

Somebody asked me about that the other day because I use that saying. I don't think I made it up. Somebody else made it up, right?

I would imagine.

So instead of, like, killing the. I don't want to kill the birds.

I'm pretty. I'm pretty sure I googled it and they were like, oh, yeah, it's. It's two things that say the same thing.

Yeah.

I'd never heard it until you said it. I think I now I say it all the time. I think it's really sweet.

I don't want to kill anything. I want to feed things. And scones are great. Who wouldn't want a scone?

Yeah, except then you're not eating the scone yourself. And what's going on there, dad? Scone stale.

It's a glutenous scone. I can only eat the gluten free, so it's fine anyways. God. Okay, I've almost got it together. I've almost, like, brought this podcast episode.

Home yeah, Land the plane, babe.

Okay, so good news. You can feed three birds one scone. Have better sex. We got a lot of stuff to help you do that. We have our foreplay guides that we already mentioned. And we also have next level intercourse, which. Which we will put in the show notes. We have tons of stuff. What does that mean?

Oh.

Oh, it look.

Nothing.

I thought you were like.

I was just playing with my. No, I'm just playing with my.

It looked like you were gonna give me the little, like, cunnilingus. Like, I look over at Xander and he's, like, doing a V with his two fingers in front of his mouth. And I was like, oh, my God. Are you trying to flirt with me over here? This is not a good flirting. That does not turn me on.

Wow. No, I'm just playing with my lips. Don't mind me. Is this part really gonna go in the podcast?

I think so.

God.

If your partner's version of flirting with you is giving you that gross, like, oral sex thing, then. Then check out our guides. They're great. They'll help you have better sex that's not boring and you will crave it. So there you go.

And if you're having anyway, and if. If you are having. If you're having better sex, you are far more likely to want to be desiring it, right? Yes. Because there's this massive connection.

That's the third bird.

That's the third bird.

That's the third bird.

Okay.

The desire.

The desire bird. Yeah. Yeah.

You'll have.

Feed that desire bird bird.

The pleasure bird and the desire bird.

Hell yeah.

Got them all. Gotta catch them all. Catch all those birds. Yeah. Okay, I gotta go. I have to take it. Nap. I need to immediately be horizontal. Put me to bed. We will link some things in the show notes for you that we have talked about. Sex talks, book.com. if you want to get comfortable talking about sex. Rediscovering intimacy for parents. If you are feeling as resentful as I imagine I could be and you want to reconnect with your partner. Our ultimate foreplay guides. If you want to give each other best ever experiences with your hands and mouths. And next level Interco course, if you want to feed three birds with one scone.

Yeah. Find all the. All the amazing ways you can be having intercourse and all the ways that you can incorporate especially more female or vulva centric pleasure into intercourse. Because that is a huge thing that is missing from most people's conception of how intercourse works.

So we got to close that orgasm.

Yeah, we got to close that gap with better intercourse and also, also just, you know, better. Better foreplay, like manual and oral activities. Because intercourse is not the be all, end all.

So that's why we have the ultimate foreplay, guys.

Yeah, that's why we got it. All right, well, that's all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. And thank you to my wonderful partner Vanessa here for making it through this episode. It's really, really, truly a pleasure doing this podcast with you.

Wow. Thank you.

And yeah, I appreciate you showing up even when you're to trying tired.

I. I came for the podcast. I stayed for Xander.

Oh, that's great. Well, join us again next week when we talk about the Enneagram with our first ever podcast guest. This is gonna be an amazing episode. It's gonna be a first time. It's. Yeah, it's gonna be cool. You're kind of maybe gonna see, like, not a couple's counseling session, but, like, of course, you know, it's gonna be Vanessa and I speaking to one of our favorite people about the Enneagram and how we can. How we can complement each other and be a better couple together.

It's going to be a. Yeah. A personal sneak peek into some of our relationship dynamics. We said that we wanted to have a fight to bring into this episode, so we have to get in a. In like a bad fight in the next week.

Oh, man. Can't wait for that. No, we'll see. We probably won't, because we have this in mind. This is what always how we're like, oh, we got to, like, have something to talk about. And then, like. And then everything is super good and smooth. Hopefully things will be smooth as long as you get some sleep.

Or just keep me up for a week, and then I will definitely start a big fight with you.

All right, bye. Well, see you. See you next week, I think. Yeah, this. This episode, next week is going to be pretty awesome. Can't wait to share it with you. All right, bye.

Sa.