Episode 108: “Help! I’ve Been Faking Orgasms So Long I Don’t Know How To Stop!”

So I think most of us in long term relationships, like, we can script out what sex looks like, you know, exactly the moves in exactly the order, and we just like, yeah, kind of repeat things over and over again. Even though, to be totally honest, both of us are kind of bored by the routine. So this gives you the ability to, like, shake things up, try new things, explore new techniques with each other, which is something every couple should be doing. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Thanks to Athletic Greens for supporting Pillow Talks. If you're looking for an easier way to take supplements, Athletic Greens is giving you a free one year supply of vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase. Go to athleticgreens.com pillow Today's episode is all about faking it. So, Zander, to kick us off, I want to know what is something in recent memory that you have faked? It doesn't have to be an orgasm. Anything else you faked recently? Maybe pretended you were a little more into it than you actually were? Huh?

You got me stumped here. I mean, all I can think of is fake it till you make it. Um, people have claimed. People have accused us of faking a relationship.

One person.

One person, yeah.

Do we share that story on the podcast?

I think. I think that we did.

I think yes, we did.

I think that we did. I've been accused of faking that one time. What is something that I faked? I don't know.

I thought about something I fake kind of often that I'm awake when I'm actually asleep when we're watching tv.

How do you do that, though? How can you fake being awake when you're not awake? That's. That's the real question.

I'm like, doing a bad job of it, but pretending, you know, and then you're like laughing and keep watching and then.

Oh, so you fake laugh?

Sometimes I do. Like when I'm kind of like half asleep, it'll be like, I'll hear you laughing and then in my half awake sleep, I'll be like, kind of like.

Yeah, it's like, looking back on it, it's the dumbest fake laugh ever. Like, she's obviously not laughing because she doesn't actually laugh like that when she's awake. But it kind of gets me every time because I'm, like, not really staring at her. I'm more, like watching the show.

And then you're always really disappointed in me when we start watching it again. And I'm like, I'm gonna have to rewind, like, 20 minutes. And you're like, babe again.

Yeah. Cause usually, usually when someone falls asleep in something that's obvious, and it's like, oh, I fell asleep for the last five minutes or the last 10 minutes.

You do do a good job faking it.

She'll be like, I missed the whole thing. I'm like, God damn it. Like, now you just gotta watch the episode on your own and get caught up.

So today we're talking about faking orgasms and specifically what to do if you're in a situation where you have been faking for a while with the same partner and you have gotten yourself backed into a hole and you don't know how to get out of it. So that the phrase backed into a.

Hole, it is absolutely not.

Backed into a corner.

Backed into a corner. I mean, I don't know. In a hole. Like, the whole thing isn't really anything. It's just like you're. You're in. You're in a hole. You're in the hole.

Um, backed into a. I kind of, like, backed into a hole. Like, you were, like, moving backwards, and then you fell into a hole, and now you're stuck in the hole. I mean, I think it works.

I mean, it's. It's clearly worse than backed into a corner. Like, you're. You're. You're arguably in a corner. In the hole.

In the hole. So we turned to our Instagram audience and we asked, first of all, just, have you ever faked an orgasm? 72% of women said that they have faked. I thought that number was honestly a little bit on the low side, but there were a ton of women who DMed and said, I've never had an orgasm, but I've never faked one. So I'd be willing to bet that closer to, like, 80 to 85% of women have either faked or never had an orgasm. If we can, like, loop those two things in together. And then we also asked men, and only 25% of men have ever faked an orgasm. But we also got a lot of DMs from women saying, like, wait, men fake too? Like, can they even fake? And this actually is something that I have seen as a sex therapist. I've seen that number starting to increase over the years. Faking is becoming a bit more of an issue for men. And we also asked about this specific situation that we're talking about today. 25% of our audience says that they are currently in a situation where they've been faking orgasm for a long time and they don't know how to stop. Wow, that's pretty.25%. One in four are faking it and don't know how to get out of that. That's wild.

Well, that's good news, because we got something for you today.

We do this whole episode, so we are gonna walk you through what to do, how to get yourself up out of this hole and straight out out of it.

But first, the review of the week. You know what would be really good is if I faked this entire review of the week. I just made it up on the spot. There is no real review of the week.

There's literally no way you could do that. You're not good on the spot.

You're right.

You're not an improviser.

I'm horrible. Well, here's the real review of the week. Or is it fake? You'll never know it's real. Don't sleep on this. Vanessa and Xander have brought so much value into my marriage and personal sexuality, as well as so much laughter. I had no idea how much I had to learn. They are such a genuine breath of fresh air. Taking taboo out of sex and bringing sex confidence to so many people. They help those struggling. But you can also have an incredible sex life and still benefit from this podcast and their social platforms. They are vulnerable, knowledgeable, and progressive. You will not be disappointed.

Delightful review.

Why, thank you. I couldn't have. I couldn't have made it up any better myself.

Thank you so much for this. Reviews go so far in helping the podcast grow. I mean, if you're looking for a new podcast to listen to, like, you're looking at those reviews, like, why bother if it has a bad review, right? And the more reviews that Pillow Talks has, the more likely Spotify and Apple are to deliver it to people as like, a suggested or recommended podcast for them.

Yeah, I think we got 4.9 right now. Let's. Let's get it up to 5.0, guys.

Oh, wow. Aggressive. So if you go over to Apple Podcasts, go to the main Pillow Talks page, scroll to the bottom, you'll see a to leave a review. And if you leave a review, what we do is we enter you into a weekly giveaway. So every week going forward, you will be entered into this giveaway. And if you hear your review read on the podcast, email us@infomtherapy.com and we will give you your choice of one of four of our masterclasses, absolutely for free, as our. Thank you. All right, so let's get into the episode first. We just want to give a quick disclaimer here that in this episode, we're mostly going to be focusing on women, since we found that three times as many women as men fake. But we also want to say, like, these tips can be applicable for people of any gender. So we're just taking a little bit of, like, a conversational shortcut here in saying women, but anybody can use the tips.

Also, what we tend to hear from men is that men who are faking orgasms, it's not really a backing yourself into a hole type of situation where, like, you do it once and then you feel, like, obligated to do it forevermore after that. It's more of a like, oh, oh. Like, you're with someone new. Maybe you're struggling to. To have an orgasm, and so you decide, okay, it's not gonna happen right now. But, like, I don't want to have to tell them it's not gonna happen, so I'm just gonna pretend or something like that. But I think most, most guys who are faking, it's like, it happens, you know, occasionally or maybe once or twice early on in a relationship when you're still getting comfortable with things. But we, we typically don't hear from men who are like, oh, yeah, I do this every time. You know, we never, we men, like, oh, I've never been able to orgasm, so I just fake it. Which is kind of the key difference between what we hear between men and women. Whereas for women, it's like, I don't really know how to reliably get there, or I've never gotten there. But once I started faking, then it felt like I had to continue faking because my partner expected that I did know how to do it and that they were doing it to me.

Exactly. And one other thing that I want to say, too, is that I have been there, like, I faked my orgasms for many, many years with, like, a lot of different partners. And we have a whole podcast episode where I talk about my story with orgasm. You can scroll back and check that out. It's actually one of the pretty early ones. But I just want to share that again here. Like, this was my situation for such a long time. Like, I actually could get there on my own, but I really struggled to get there with partners. And we're going to first talk about why it is that we fake. And pretty much like every one of these reasons was a reason that I faked at one time or another. So let's talk about why it is that we start faking orgasms.

How do we back ourselves into the hole?

How do we back into the hole? So most people start faking orgasms at the beginning of the relationship. And I think it's because it just feels easier to fake at the beginning of a relationship. Like, when you're first starting to hook up with somebody, be intimate with them, like, you want it to feel like there's this amazing chemistry between the two of you. Things are just clicking. It's easy. It's natural. You definitely don't have to talk about it. And so it can just make it seem like faking it is the best thing to do. Like, it just fits into that pattern of making things feel like they're just flowing.

Yeah, I mean, I think there's. There's a dynamic, you know, in male female relationships where it's like, you know, like, you want to show the guy that he made you come because it makes him feel good. And it's sort of. It's.

But we'll talk about that.

Yeah, it's like what we expect a sexual situation to like. Like how we expect it to unfold and how we expect it to conclude. And so in order for it to be good, that's how it has to happen.

Yeah. We put a question box up on Instagram and we asked women, like, what are the reasons that you fake? So we're going to read out some of the answers. One woman wrote, I've never had an orgasm, so if I can't get there on my own, how am I supposed to have an orgasm with a partner?

Another person said, my partner insists that I orgasm. And, you know, this type of dynamic is super common, and that puts so much pressure on women. Like, you know, yeah, what. What else are you going to do if your partner is insisting? You don't. You don't know. You don't know how to do it, and you don't know how to say that.

Exactly. I mean, we talk a lot about one of our golden rules, which is that everyone who wants an orgasm gets an orgasm. But there is A fine line here between, like, being a teammate and helping your partner know, like, I care about you. I care about your pleas. I want you to have a good experience. But then we don't want to cross the line into, like, I need you to orgasm. Because then it feels like it's more about you than it is about the partner orgasming. It's like, no, no, no. You have to orgasm for me so I can feel good. So a lot of women have even heard that directly from their partner. Like, the partner will say, I'm not gonna have a good experience unless you come. Like, you have to come for me. And it's just. It's such a bad experience. And honestly, I like. I bet that there are a fair number of men out there who actually think that they're being good partners. Like, what they think it's coming off as is, like, I care so much about your pleasure that, like, I won't feel satisfied unless you're satisfied. Like, it kind of sounds like an altruistic type of thing, but the reality of what it feels like for women receiving that, it's just, like, a whole lot of pressure.

I mean, it's kind of an ultimatum. Like, I won't be satisfied unless you are satisfied. Yeah.

And also, there are just some men who are, like, gross about it. Like, you know, yeah, you have to come for me type of thing. We also have the flip side of the coin, which is partners who don't seem to care that much about the woman's pleasure. So whether that's, you know, they're never spending any time focusing on her, or they're just, you know, making it all about them and their orgasm. But there were a lot of women who said, yeah, it just feels like my partner doesn't really care. They don't make any sort of an effort.

Other women said, I feel like I just take too long to have a real orgasm. And I think this is like, you know, we kind of, like, set a time limit in our heads. Like, this is how much time I deserve to get, or this is just how much time I have, and if I exceed that amount of time, then I gotta fake it, or I just don't feel comfortable taking up that space anymore.

And there are a couple of different scenarios that that one can happen in. So one is if a woman has never had an orgasm before or can't orgasm with a partner. So let's say your partner's focusing on you. Then there's this pressure of like, oh, God, my partner has their heads down there. Their Fingers, like, I gotta hurry up. I don't want them to, like, have to take too long. I don't want it to be too difficult, too much effort for them. And the irony here is that a lot of us get pretty freaked out about taking too long after a very short amount of time. Like, I remember coaching women earlier in my career and asking them, like, how long do you think you give yourself before you tell your partner, like, it's okay, it's fine, like, move on, or you fake it. And so many women were like, if I'm honest, like, maybe a minute, maybe two minutes. So that's one scenario. And then the second scenario is there actually are a decent number of women who can have orgasms with their partner. But they put this pressure on themselves of like, oh, well, but it takes too long. It takes too much effort. It's just too much in general. So even though they can have orgasms, they're faking them because they feel like they're not worthy of taking up that space. The next reason that we fake is because as women, we've been socialized to put others needs above our own. So faking often feels like the nicer thing to do. And it feels like a way to, like, protect our partner's ego. I mean, I definitely did this plenty of times myself. And I did this when I felt like, you know, I had a partner who was genuinely kind and, like, making an effort, and I, like, wanted to make him feel good, like, feel like he was doing a good job. So we got a bunch of quotes from women who said that they fake because of this whole ego aspect. One woman wrote, I married very young and faked with my ex husband. It's what I thought I had to do to protect his ego.

Another woman said, I don't want my partner to feel like they're doing a bad job, even if they are.

And another woman said, sex just doesn't feel good. Feels like a waste of time. So to please him, I fake it. And similarly, like, we're socialized to believe that the man's experience is more important than the woman. So for a lot of us, it's like, yeah, I want him to feel good. I want him to feel like he did a good job. I don't want him to have to worry or take too much time or make too much effort. And I also think there's this part of it where some of us believe that sex is really supposed to be so much more about the man than it is about the woman. In male female relationships, like, One woman on Instagram reached out and said, you know, big part of me thought that sex was just supposed to be a performance for the man.

Yeah. I mean, and that's what we see on TV and in the movies, right? Like, when we see men and women having sex, like, the guy starts the sex, the sex starts when penetration begins. And okay, yeah, in movies, like, very often there's a couple pumps and then both people are orgasming. Right? And, like, we know that's not accurate, but the sex always ends when the guy finishes, right? Like, he rolls off and it's all over. You never see it portrayed. Like, oh, okay, he had an orgasm faster than she did. And now he's going to spend some time focusing on her to help her have an orgasm. So, you know, of course, like, you know, you get this idea from that that, like, okay, like, the guy starts it, the guy stops it. Like, it's. It's more. What you get from that is just, it's more about him than it is about you. There's, you know, no one takes into account, oh, well, what if it doesn't happen on that exact schedule?

And finally, one of the common reasons why we fake is because we just want sex to be over. So we don't feel comfortable talking about sex, or we don't feel comfortable telling our partner, like, okay, I'm done. I'm satisfied. I'm good. So we just fake an orgasm to make the end seem obvious. And even sometimes we fake it because we want to bring the end. We want to bring it to a close faster. It's like, okay, I'm done with this. I'm tired. I'm over it. Like, let's just wrap things up. So faking the orgasm just feels like the more obvious way to say we're done here without actually having to say we're done here. Now, let's talk about the problems with faking. The most obvious one is that you're not having a pleasurable experience. Like, you're not having an orgasm. You're faking one. So sex feels unfulfilling. It can also disconnect you from your body. Like, you're focusing more on faking than you are the actual experience of having sex. Like, the actual sensations and in your body, like, what it actually feels like. It can also lead to lower libido. Because if you're faking an experience and you're not enjoying it, like, why would you crave that experience? And over time, it can morph into faking the entire experience. So this is something that happened for me, like, at the beginning with a new partner. It was like I was just faking the orgasm so I could actually enjoy the experience. And then it would just, you know, it would get to this point where I was like, okay, time to like, fake the orgasm and make it seem like we're all good and done here. But then if I was with that partner for a long period of time or like in a relationship with them, over time it would start to feel like, well, you know, God, now there's like kind of this whole story arc that I've got to do to it of like, I've got to make it seem like I'm breathing faster and now I'm starting to pant more and I'm like writhing around a little bit more. And so I would have this whole, like, arc in my head of what it was supposed to look like and I.

Cause it's supposed to get better each time you do it, right?

Yeah, yeah. So I would just be fixating on like, okay, what, what should I be doing now and what should I be doing now? So it morphed from just faking the end to faking the whole thing. And that eventually led. It's like a big bad snowball here. Huge snowball effect of things happening that eventually led to resentment of my partners. So especially with partners that I was in relationships with, like, at first I was putting all this effort into faking it and making it seem like this great Oscar worthy performance.

And you're probably feeling good about yourself. Like, oh, yeah, it's really looking like things are clicking. Like, oh, like this, this relationship is going to be great. And like, then I'll be able to, you know, have some time to figure things out or whatever.

Yeah. But then, you know, over time, like, I'd get frustrated and annoyed and stopped putting as much of an effort into the faking and become a lot more half hearted. And there were times where I'd wonder, like, okay, like, I didn't even do that convincing of a performance right then. But, like, my partner did not seem to notice at all. Like, do they even care? Have they ever suspected that I'm faking? Like, it just got to this point where it felt kind of unbelievable that my partner was believing the whole performance that was going on.

And finally, maybe the most important one, you're sabotaging your ability to actually have an orgasm with your partner. Right. Because like Vanessa said, you're focusing on, okay, how, how soon am I going to start the performance? Right. You're wondering how long has it been, you know, you're not feeling comfortable with taking up any time or space or trying anything different from what you normally do. So like, how could you possibly expect to have an orgasm when the entire time you're focused on faking it or thinking about, you know, what is sort of required in order to fake it? Right. Like so, so, yeah, like you're definitely not ever going to learn under those circumstances. And on the flip side, your partner is learning some very incorrect feedback about what it is that you actually like. Right. Because it's you.

You're literally just three pumps.

Yeah. You're literally reinforcing to them. What you are doing is working for me. And I know for a fact that what they're doing is not working for you since you're faking it, since you're listening to this episode. Right. So like they are never going to think to try anything different. They think they're doing a great job. And I'm sure I've been through this myself. Like, I know the numbers now on how many women fake orgasms and I understand all the reasons and I am 100% sure that I have had, I have been with plenty of women who faked orgasm with me and you know, all I, you know, I don't hold it against them. I completely understand. It's, you know, the deck is really stacked against you. But what I do wonder is like, you know, how much better could I have been with my own technique, with my own confidence in, you know, what, what options were available had I known what was really working or what was not working in relationships? I really do wonder, you know, if like, like I ended up just having more sex that was really just for me and not really for my partner. But I had no idea. So, you know, that's definitely something to chew on. You're kind of hurting yourself and you're hurting your partner and you're just, you're ensuring that nothing will change unless you change the faking.

Before we go any further, we want to take a minute to thank Athletic Greens for their support of pillow talks and let you know that they are offering you a free one year supply of immune supporting vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase when you go to athleticgreens.com pillow so we are just getting back from a trip. We have been taking Athletic Greens at home for over a month now and we brought those little travel packs with us we did on the trip.

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Number one is definitely the rip the band aid off approach. If you hear number one and you're like, oh my God, I can't possibly do that, like don't turn off the podcast, don't worry, we have two other options. But I like Vanessa said every single one of them has pros and cons. So number one might feel a little.

Like way get people scared about option one.

Might might feel a little like heart wrenching. But there are some serious pros to number one as well. I'm just, I'm just trying to set, trying to set the people up.

Getting them nervous before they even hear what it is.

Well, yeah, I'm just trying to say, hey, you know, you will feel nervous, but there's some very good reasons to go head first into this one.

Okay, so option one is to come clean to your partner, let them know that you have been faking it. And yes, we know that that sounds really nerve wracking, especially if you've been in a relationship with somebody for a really long time. Like the longer you've been in a relationship, obviously the harder it is to say, hey, I've been faking it this whole time. But what I think the most important thing for you to remember is, is that you did not start faking orgasms to be a jerk. Like nobody is like, okay, I'm going out with this new person. I think we're gonna have sex for the first time. You know what I wanna do.

You know what would be really fun?

You know what's so fun is like I'm gonna just start faking orgasms. Then I'm gonna get into a relationship with them for 10 years.

I'm never gonna enjoy the sex.

Then I am going to drop the. What is the phrase? Drop the drop.

Drop a bomb on them. Drop a bomb on them.

I was like, the anvil. I can't remember. Drop the bomb.

Yeah, drop the anvil. Drop in. That's it. That's okay. Yeah, yeah, you can drop an anvil.

I'm drop an anvil bomb on them and tell them I've been lying to you for these entire 10 years. Gotcha, sucker.

Joke's on you.

Obviously not actually.

Well, no, joke's not on you. They've been having orgasm for 10 years and you haven't. So never mind.

That is obviously not the situation. Like you started faking for very understandable reasons. Like it felt like the kinder thing to do. You had misinformation about how female orgasm works. Actually, that is another reason why we didn't mention.

Oh yeah.

Oh my God. Okay, back up. Rewind. So we're fed all this bs, you know, about like, oh, female orgasm, it's so difficult. It takes so long. Where's the clitoris? Does it even exist? And you know when you See sex on TV and in the movies, in porn, women are always orgasming from three pumps of intercourse when that is not the reality of how orgasm actually works. So we just have to do a quick little detour to mention that one there. Like, that was probably played a part of why you decided to fake. Isn't it supposed to work this way? Is something wrong with me if it's not? So I guess I better just fake because I don't want to have to acknowledge that this is not how I orgasm. This doesn't work for me. So anyways, all of that to say that, you know, you faked it for understandable reasons. And it can be really valuable to share that with your partner. So when you're telling them, you know, hey, I want to come clean. I want to tell you something difficult. Like, I have been faking orgasms with you. And it's because of these reasons, like, I never wanted to hurt you. I never thought, you know, that you. You and I would end up in this relationship and I would have to continue faking. But I just. I started faking at the beginning for these reason, and I backed myself into a corner and I didn't know how to get out of it. And I am so sorry. And then tell your partner, like, I want to come clean to you, even though this is so hard for me to say. I know it's hard for you to hear, but, like, I wanted to come clean to you because I want us to be on the same team. And if you have a partner that is kind and cares about your pleasure, which I hope you should. Absolutely. But, like, you can tell them, you know, I know that you've always wanted us to be on the same team. Like, I know that you care about my pleasure and. And you care about me so much. And I'm really sorry that I haven't given you the actual opportunity to show that.

Yeah. And I mean, and you can even call that out and say, when we first started dating, I had my own hangups around orgasm. I had my own. I had misinformation about it. I had my own insecurities. I didn't feel comfortable taking up too much time or space, even though I know that from the very beginning you were saying things about, like, wanting to prioritize my pleasure or spend more time on me. I didn't think I was deserving of that at the time, but now I realize that I am deserving of it. And so I want to come clean about this and I want for us to make a change.

Yeah. So you're going to have to allow your partner some space for their feelings. Like the end of the day you have lied to them. And I say this with zero judgment. I did a whole lot of lying to my partners as well. So, you know, but that just is the reality. Like you have told them a lie and they're probably going to have some feelings about it. They're probably going to feel sad, confused, hurt, betrayed. And so it's your job to sit with those feelings, to allow those feelings to be there and just to like, keep telling your partner, like, I understand your reaction, I have space for your feelings. I'm here.

And also just like, I would want to make sure you have the expectation that like this may not be resolved in one single conversation. Like, you know, it's, it may be a lot for your partner to take in, like, oh, you know, especially if it's been a number of years or you know, 10, 20 years of like, oh, wow, like this is, this is a lot for me to process and like trying to understand, you know, why it all happened and just kind of, you know, you kind of need to like reprocess like all these experiences that you've had in the bedroom and kind of come to terms with, oh, okay, I guess that didn't really happen that way or it wasn't really, you know, as good for you as, as I thought it was. And it might be something where your partner needs a couple of days to kind of of sit with that. And so, you know, I think that sometimes we can get into things like this, that feel, you know, this feels like, oh God, this is such a big thing that I'm going to say and we can get really kind of single mindedly focused on. Like this feels so uncomfortable to bring up. So like we, I need to draw, like I need to come away with a conclusion to this, like in this one conversation. And I do think it's important to recognize when you take this approach, it's really not in your control, like how quickly the situation resolves. But I do think that, you know, if you can give your partner the space to have those feelings for, you know, however long they need, that you know, that it will come to a conclusion quick.

Okay, so obviously this is an intense option, but the payoff is very high because this is the option that gives you the clearest, cleanest, best opportunity to reset your sex life and to start having the kind of sex that is actually going to prioritize your pleasure and help you have orgasm. So it's like You.

And you're gonna have orgasms way faster.

Oh, yeah. Way faster. So you're, you're clearing the slate. You're starting fresh. You're getting a jump start on the other two options. So the cons are challenging, but the pros are very, very high. So that is option one. Okay, Option two. If you're listening to option one and your palms are sweating, your heart is racing like, no way in hell can I have that kind of uncomfortable conversation with my partner. We gotcha. We have two other options that don't include coming clean. So option number two is to stop faking. And what you can do is say to your partner something like, you know, I've just been noticing that, like, what used to work for me, it's just not working as consistently anymore. And if you can have orgasms on your own, you can even say that about your masturbation. Like, even when I'm on my own, like, like I'm having to try new things and experiment a little bit because my old standbys just are not really doing it for me anymore. So, yes, it is a lie, but it's a gentle lie. It's giving your partner a little bit of an out and giving you the opportunity to reset and to try different things with your sex life, but without having to tell your partner, like, I have been lying to you. So it's kind of turning it into, like, it's not you, it's just something I've been noticing about myself.

It's not you, it's me.

It's not you, it's me. And that genuinely is true, like, throughout our lives, what we like and what we respond to are going to change. So this is actually one of the biggest challenges that we see for couples in long term relationships is that the longer we've been together and the longer we've been having sex, the more narrow our definition of sex starts to look. So I think most of us in long term relationships, like, we can script out what sex looks like, you know, exactly the moves in exactly the order, and we just like, yeah, kind of repeat things over and over again. Even though, to be totally honest, both of us are kind of bored by the routine. So this gives you the ability to, like, shake things up, try new things, explore new techniques with each other, which is something every couple should be doing. But it's just, yeah, in a way that's going to allow you to explore your pleasure. So you can also say something to your partner like, you know, I would love for us to explore other techniques or ways of bringing each other pleasure. And say this in an exciting way, not in a like, oh, I guess, like, it's just not working. And so we have to, like, do new things. Like, it's like, yeah, let's have, let's bring each other pleasure. Let's, like, try some new techniques. Let's shake things up a little bit.

Yeah, I mean, you get to try new things. And I mean, the other part about this that is true is that you absolutely will have to try new things in order to be successful. Because if the same old sex that you were having was going to work for you, you would be having orgasms magically. But you aren't. And so the reality is you are going to need to try new things. Those new things. Eventually you're going to find the things that are going to be working for you. So this can be a great approach there. And that can be another thing to remind yourself of. Like, okay, like, yeah, there's maybe a little bit of a white lie in here. But it is true that I do need to try new things. I can't keep doing the same old stuff and expecting different results.

And that brings us to option three, which is to introduce the idea of doing new techniques with each other, but without mentioning anything about orgasm in particular. So you're not even saying, like, what used to work for me isn't working anymore. You're just focusing on you and your partner exploring different ways of bringing each other pleasure. So here's how option three works. We have two incredible guys. So my personal story was, you know, once I finally decided to stop faking and start having real ones, like, it was a little bit of a journey for me. But once I figured that out, I became super, super passionate about teaching step by step techniques for increasing pleasure. Because here's the thing, like, we all feel like we're supposed to be good at sex, right? Like, we all want to be good at sex, but where have we ever learned? It's like picking up a guitar and feeling like, oh, I'm just supposed to be good at playing guitar. Like, okay, how? Like what? Unless you've taken lessons, like, how would you have the expectation that you're great at it?

Yeah, I mean, I don't know anyone that's taken sex lessons. I don't know where those are offered except for the guides.

And on top of that, like, it is not any more complicated or difficult or mysterious than male orgasm. It just requires stimulation of the most sensitive part of our bodies. Shocker. We have really incredible sex and we are still always learning, always trying new things and having fun with it. Like, that's what makes our sex life feel so incredible, is that learning new things feels fun to us. So there are these two guides in particular, and we will link to these in the show notes. But we have our foreplay guides, which teach you how to use your hands and mouth on your partner and bring them them the ultimate pleasure. And we have our next level intercourse guide, which specifically focuses on intercourse. It covers positions, combinations of positions, and specifically increasing female pleasure so that you are both having a pleasurable and satisfying experience with intercourse.

And if you're going to pick those two up, actually, you might as well just grab our sexual mastery package because it is actually a little cheaper than buying those two individually. And with it, you get both of those. You also get Dirty Talk 101, and you get butt stuff just for fun. So might as well get the whole big package, right?

Oh, I mean, who doesn't want the whole big package? Yeah, it's actually a really, really good deal. So we will put the link to check that out. But you can also check out each of the guides individually. But here's what you do. Like, just buy the guides and tell your partner, I got a little surprise for you. I want us to have an extra sexy weekend. And if you're feeling especially nervous about this, this, make it all about your partner first.

At first.

So tell your partner. Yeah, just at first.

Just once, only once.

I got a little surprise for us. I want to give you the best night of your life this weekend. And it's all about you, baby. It's all about you. So use the guides, do them on your partner. And then when your partner's like, holy shit, where did you learn that? That was, was incredible. You're like, oh, yeah, I got a little something for us to share. So if you get like the foreplay guides, you can show them the one for you. If you get next level intercourse, like, you can just look at the guide together, but you're really framing it as something that's just like, it's exciting, it's keeping it spicy. It's you like prioritizing your sex life, giving the surprise to your partner, making it all about, like, I want to see how much pleasure we can bring each other. So you're just making it feel very, very fun. So this is such a great way to like to reset to bring new techniques into the bedroom. And the guides do a really great job of breaking down, like, how to try the techniques, ways to like Set up little sessions with each other, give each other feedback so that it really can turn into, like, an orgasm exploration session, even if you're not explicitly telling your partner, like, I've never actually had one.

And this is actually a great approach, even if you're doing option two, because, like, in option two, right, you're going to stop faking. You're just not going to say anything about it, but you're going to be talking about, hey, we need to try, you know, let's try some new things. So these can. All these. You should do this exact same thing in that scenario as well.

Yeah. So the con with this one is that it has the most potential for there to be confusion down the road. So the pro is like, it's the easiest one. It's a whole lot easier than telling your partner, hey, I haven't been telling you the truth for a long time, but there might be a certain point where your partner is like, hey, like, I. We've been trying a bunch of new stuff. It seems like nothing's really working for you. Like, what's going on? What I used to do doesn't seem to work anymore. So if that's the case, then just focus on how much fun and excitement and enjoyment you're getting out of this exploration. So what you want to do is, like, really tell your partner. Like, yeah, it's. You know, I'm not quite sure, like, why I'm not having an orgasm, but the level of. Of pleasure that I'm feeling during sex with you now is higher than the level of pleasure I was feeling with you before. And, like, I know we'll get there. Like, we'll figure out, you know, I'll start having orgasms. But, like, even if I didn't, I'm still having a better time now.

And also, I just want to call out, like, with option two or three, you know, if you get into any kind of conversation like this with your partner, like, you do not need to feel. Like, you don't need to feel backed into a corner of, like, oh, you need to explain your way out of it. Like, it is totally fine to just come clean at any point partway through.

Go back to option two.

Yeah, partway through option two or option three. It could. It could just be like, hey, look, I've been trying to figure out, you know, what it is that I need to do in order to actually have orgasms. And I know for a fact that, you know, it is a matter of, like, us trying new things and me figuring out, you know, what really works. And so, you know, I. I was just trying to get the ball rolling and, you know, see if maybe I could figure it out. And, like, you know, I don't want to, like, turn this into a bigger thing than it is. So let me just kind come clean about, like, what's been going on in general.

Yeah. Okay. And then regardless of which of these options you choose, your next step is to learn how to orgasm.

Yeah. I mean, that's like. That's the goal at the end of all this, right?

If you want to stop faking them, we got to get you having real ones. So here's the most important thing I want you to know. Orgasm is a skill. None of us are born knowing how to orgasm. It's not like. Like sneezing, where you just. You inherently know how to do it. You don't have to think about it. It just happens, like, absolutely not. Orgasm is a skill, even for men. Yes. For people of all gender, it's a skill. And like any other skill, like playing the guitar, like learning a language, like getting good at a sport, like, it requires time, patience, and practice to learn. So you have to give yourself that space, ways to actually learn. And I speak from experience. As somebody who struggled with my own orgasm for so long, I know it's really tempting to feel like something's wrong with me. I'm broken. I must be the only woman in the world who hasn't been able to figure this out. I promise you that is not true. There is just so much stacked up against us women when it comes to our pleasure. All this misinformation that we get, the ways that we are socialized to pay more attention to our partner's experience and to their ego than our own. The ways that in male female relationships, like the ways that we're taught to have sex are all about male pleasure. There's very little emphasis on female pleasure. So it's like there is a lot stacked up against us. But that doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you or that you're broken or that you'll never be able to orgasm. I. I promise you, if you treat orgasm as a skill, if you give yourself that grace, you will learn how to have them, and it will be so worth it. I promise you. You will get to a point where you will look back at all these faked orgasms, just like I do. I look back at all these faked orgasms, and I just laugh. And I'm so excited and grateful and satisfied that I finally learned how to have Real ones. So you're not broken. Nothing is wrong with you. You just need to have sex that prioritizes your pleasure as much as your partner's. So that is. That's our jam. Teaching couples how to have sex that prioritizes both partners pleasure doing it in a way that feels fun and exciting and, like, spicing it up. So we will link the things that we mentioned for you in the the show notes to this episode. Those foreplay guides, next level intercourse, or if you want a deal, 40% off, plus two other guides in there, too, the sexual mastery package. So you can check all those things out. But regardless of if you buy anything from us or not, we just really hope that this episode has given you the inspiration, the motivation, and the courage to recognize that you deserve to have real orgasms. Life's too short for faking.

All right, well, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about how bad initiation is actually harming your relationship.

Oh, we have some fascinating results from an initiation survey that we put out to our community. Thousands of people filled it out, and those results are fascinating.

Yeah. Spoiler alert. Initiation is not working so well.

Not at all.

Not at all.

It's terrible.

Not at all.

The state of initiation in most relationships is terrible. So we're gonna break it down for you next week.

Oh, yeah, we. And we got just what you need to fix it. So listen up. Next week. Can't wait.

Sam.