Episode 110: Unzipped And Unfiltered: Your Funniest Sex Fails

Yeah, I mean, hey, how he kept it up. More power to him, I guess.

You would not have been able to finish. I don't think you would have. You would have just. It would have been over.

I don't know. I don't know. I hope to never find out.

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Today. We have a very fun episode for you.

We do.

We're doing an entire episode with your most hilarious off the wall and unbelievable sex story stories. So we originally got the idea to do this episode because over on Instagram. And if you're not following us on Instagram, you should. You really should. We're at Vanessa and Xander. Xander is with an X. I almost said Vanessa and Xander.com. obviously not.

We are also at that.

Yes, you can find our website, but our Instagram is just Vanessa and Xander. And every Saturday we do this little series called Spill It Saturdays, where we pick a different theme theme and ask people to share their funniest stories. And it's just become one of my favorite days of the week. Like getting to see people's funny stories, sharing things together, laughing together. For me, it's like this way that it's felt like we're building a community over on Instagram, like, all of us sharing our stories together. And if you know us, if you've listened to more than a few episodes of the podcast or you follow us on Instagram, you know, we love to laugh.

We.

We think that it's really, like, so special when you can bring laughter into your sex life. Like, everybody takes sex so seriously. And I know that's because we've had so much crappy socialization. We put so much pressure on ourselves to be amazing at it. We all have gone through ups and downs in our sex life and, you know, maybe feel a lot of strong feelings about it, but at the end of the day, like, sex doesn't need to be something that feels safe, so heavy and hard and serious. Like, when we can bring laughter into the bedroom, that can make some of the most amazing experiences and memories.

Yeah. I totally agree. And that's not to say that seriousness doesn't have a place in the bedroom. Like, you know, but I think everything can have a place in the bedroom. It's just a matter of. Of. Of when. Like, I. I think, you know, so many of us think, like, oh, well, you're saying I have to be laughing every single time we have sex? Like, no, that's not what we're saying. But, like, if you can. If you can, you know, have a sense of. If you can laugh at yourself when something goes a little bit awry, like, that just is going to bring you two so much closer together, help you have more fun. And you can also, you know, then you can also be like, hey, I want to have a serious vibe. Today we're going to have some serious sex, and then tomorrow we'll have funny sex.

Funny sex. I don't know how I feel about that.

All right, maybe not that, but, you know what I mean? We'll be less serious.

Well, I mean, I think one of the things that has always struck me about Spill It Saturdays is that things can go awry in really funny ways. And, like, you know, we've had experiences of our own where it's like, you have a choice to make. You can be really embarrassed and ashamed and think, like, oh, my God, it shouldn't have happened this way. I feel so bad that it did. Or you can laugh at it. You can laugh at yourself, laugh at what happened. And we definitely prefer to take that latter path. So, anyways, we've been doing Spill It Saturdays for a long time now, and sometimes we get stories that are just a little too long to share in a single, like, story on Instagram. So we've been saving some of our favorite ones, and we also put up a call on Instagram. We said, you know, DM us your longer stories. So we've got some real doozies to share with you today.

So do we. Cause I haven't seen any of them.

Oh, that is true. So the setup for this episode is that I have seen the stories because people were DMing them. I was having to, like, pick which ones to move on over to the script, but it has been a while. I purposefully put this one together, like, many weeks before we're actually recording it. So I have forgotten the stories. But Xander has never seen any of these stories.

I have not.

So if you're in the mood for a laugh today, then this is the episode for you.

But before that, we are going to get into our review of the Week. I try to think it was saved.

That, like, right at the last second, I thought you were gonna. Thought you were gonna stop and forget.

No, no, no, I didn't forget. I was. I was trying to think of a good. A good segue. But yeah, I mean, like, I was. I was like, oh, I could be like, oh, well, let's get into like, the most ridiculous review of the week. But I haven't seen the review of the week. I have no idea if it's going to be serious funny.

It might be a tear jerk. You've done a bunch of those where you like going in hot and heavy, all funny. And then it's like, I'm writing this review with tears in my eyes.

All right, let's see. For anyone at any age, no matter what your skill level may be, this podcast will help your relationship with your partner and with yourself. Obsessed with these two, very inclusive and positive. I wish I could be friends with them in real life, but I'll settle with this podcast and interacting on Instagram. 10 out of 10 would recommend old school smiley face. Um, that's. That's awesome. I though I will say maybe I would not recommend it for small children because we do swear on this pod. It is an explicit podcast. We do swear. We do talk about sex. That is maybe a little beyond how we would recommend speaking with children about it, but where are you children from for anyone at any age? The. The headline.

Oh, the headline. Oh, sorry, I had scrolled down. I thought you were talking about skill level. And I was like, are you making some sort of comparison with, like, children have low skill level?

I am most certainly not doing that.

Got it. Got it. Yeah, we do swear. We've gotten like two dm' about it. They're like, we would take you so much more seriously if you didn't swear. You're a professional. You shouldn't swear.

You know what? We're really not trying to be taken that seriously. Like, we would. We used to take ourselves. We used to take ourselves really seriously. Or, I mean, that was even before I was involved. I think you used to take yourself really seriously on social media and it wasn't very fun for you. It wasn't very successful. You know, all you out there were not very interested in following along, and it wasn't until we started not taking ourselves very seriously. Just showing up the way that we do in real life with each other, things actually start being a little more relatable and realistic.

So because, yeah, we're being more authentic. Like, we swear a lot in our day to day lives. I enjoy swearing. I mean, there's a time and place, right? I'm not going to like swear at my grandma or anything like that, but I like a good, a good swear word dropped here and there.

Yeah.

Anyways, thank you so much for this review. We really appreciate it. You know, I actually want to share something that we haven't talked about. I don't know if we've ever talked about it here on the podcast. We have shared about it on Instagram, but with this podcast we make very little money. Like we have ads that help support, you know, the podcast and we're really grateful to our sponsors, but there is so much time and effort that goes into creating this podcast and we do it for free. Like we want to have a free podcast. We want to have these resources free for everybody, regardless of your financial situation. Like it's just a very values aligned thing for us. Like that. We want to create free content, but it's very expensive to create between our time, our team members time who are helping us like research the episodes and put together notes for them, putting together the show notes afterwards, the transcripts, putting it up on YouTube, getting clips of it to share on social media. We pay our editor to edit the episode. There's a lot of time and money that go. Even the equipment, you know, is super expensive. So there's a lot that goes into this. We're not making anything off of it. So we really appreciate reviews because it helps the podcast grow and reach new people and help us live out our mission of being able to share so many valuable resources for free. So we really appreciate you taking the time to leave a review and how you do it is go to the Pillow Talks main page on Apple Podcasts, scroll to the bottom of the page, you'll see the reviews there and you can leave one. It does not have to be long or meaningful, even just a quick sentence like thank you for this podcast. That is all you need. And we will enter you into our giveaway every week going forward. So if you hear your review read on the podcast, you can email us@infomtherapy.com and you will get to choose one of four masterclasses to get absolutely for free as our little way of saying thank you for supporting Pillow Talks.

All right, I'm. I'm totally ready to be shocked. I'm ready to be R O T F L O L Rolling on the floor laughing out loud. Out loud. Wait, there's no first second. I thought there was an F bomb in There, but there's not. It's just the floor. Rolling on the floor, laughing.

You've literally never said that.

It. I mean, it just brings me back to old emoji.

Is it because the old school emoji made you think about it?

Yeah, yeah. You know, that and, like, you know, old, like, chatting back in the day on AIM and all the asl. Yeah, asl, all the. All that good. All that good stuff. I'm ready to be doing it.

Okay, buddy. All right, here's our first story. I had an employee who worked for me who always called out for various reasons. We knew she was BSing, but couldn't prove it.

Called out? Like, called in sick?

Yeah, yeah, called in sick. One day she called and asked me to speak to her in a private place. Then she told me that she and her husband were having sex, and he missed and went in the wrong hole.

What?

I was like, okay. And. And she said she couldn't come to work because it wouldn't stop bleeding. So the doctor told her she needed to put her feet. Why her feet up? She couldn't produce a doctor's note, so pretty sure she was faking. But it's still my funniest employee call out ever.

I have so many questions about this.

Well, like, why would you talk to your boss about your partner going in your butthole instead of your vagina? Like, why would you give that as an excuse?

I mean, maybe what's going through your head is it's like, oh, well, it's like, their fault. It's not my fault. Even though you're involved in it, it's.

Wildly inappropriate to be talking about your sex life with your boss. But then it also brings up the question of, like, do you think that was a real excuse or did she make it up? Because I. I can see arguments for it either way.

Like, yeah, but, like, why would you. If it was a made up. If it was a made up thing, like, why would you choose to make that up? There's so many other more plausible things that you could have made up.

Like, I hurt my foot.

The only thing I can think of is, like, is this like, a prank call situation where, like, the employee. The employee is recording is like, but, yeah, but, like, they're recording this and they're playing it for. They're trying to make other people laugh. Or like, they're compiling, like, you know, they've been jumping around from job to job and, like, messing with their boss. I don't know.

It sounds like they had worked for this person for A long time. I also love the detail of, like, I had to put my feet up. Like, why would you have to put your feet up if your butt was bleeding? It just doesn't make any sense. But also, I feel like we have to say slipping into the wrong hole does happen sometimes. And.

But it doesn't just slip, I don't think.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, like, it requires some force.

Well, yeah, but like, I'm saying, it genuinely can happen as an accident sometimes. Oh, yes. Like when you're thrusting and things just kind of slip a little bit. But what I wanted to say is that it's extremely rare for it to lead to bleeding. And even if you're consciously choosing to have anal sex or some form of anal play, like, bleeding is quite rare. So I just wanted to say that because people do get a little bit nervous about butt stuff and they think it's going to be this, like, big scary thing. So that's just a little disclaimer there. But I don't know, I want to hear what the people think. Do we think that this is a valid excuse or was it not? Also, I love that the person who sent it in, like, asked for a doctor's note. Like, all right, fine. Give me the proof that your doctor told you to keep your feet up and you can't go to work.

Yeah. Wait, wait. So. But. Oh, that's the part that is unaddressed, though. So they said, okay, we asked for a doctor's note. They weren't able to produce one. Like, so then what happened? Like, was it like, oh, okay, I.

Guess I'll come in my bleeding butt.

Yeah, like, what happened? Or like, did they. Did they say, no, I don't have a doctor's note, but I'm still not coming in? And then, like, they got fired. Like, what. What's the resolution?

All right, let's read the next one.

I was having sex with a guy in his twin bed that was beyond old. It. Did the old bed squeak when you moved on it? We're going at it. I'm on top. The bed shifts. I get instant pain. I fall off him and right onto the floor. He jumps up covered in blood. I got a second degree tear from the shifting of the bed and lost consciousness due to pain and blood loss.

This one, like, I was like, what happened? Like, the bed. I mean, I thought.

I thought like a spring. Like a spring busted loose from the bat or something.

Oh, yeah, second degree tear. Like, where did you tear your butthole?

No, I'm assuming the oh, yeah. You're joking. The vulva. The vagina. Sorry. The vagina.

No, I don't think. I don't think they tore in the vagina.

Where would it be?

I don't know.

A tear? Of what?

I don't know.

A shed of tear.

A shed of tear. Wow. That's a throwback.

Yeah, that's a real throwback. All right, so this finishes with.

Actually, you're. It probably is a vulva tear.

Yeah, it's 100%.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh.

Makes it even worse.

Yeah. Should have gone to the er, but I'm a paramedic and know the ER staff. I couldn't be seen for a sex injury. Okay, like, is there maybe, like, another. What's where. Like, is there another er? Do you live somewhere, like, so remote? There's, like. There's only one emergency room, like, within 100 miles.

I don't know, man. Okay, I did google it. 2nd degree tears are just straight up vaginal tears. I was thinking, like, second degree burns. It's like.

Oh.

Maybe tear can refer to, like, any muscle in the body. But no, it's just straight up. Oh, this makes this so much worse. That's terrible. Be careful with your beds, people. Make sure you're not in old beds. Also, don't have sex in twin beds if you can avoid it. It's pretty miserable.

God. Yeah, I don't.

I don't remember your college.

College days. Oh, my God. I. There were like, multiple. Multiple nights where, you know, I slept in a twin bed with another person. And I don't know how I did that. We. We barely fit together in our king bed.

All right, here's the next one. We were in cowgirl position, so I was on top facing my husband. I felt his hand on my butt doing a little rubbing. Next thing I know, I hear a slap, but I don't feel anything.

Hmm.

Do you know what happened?

Uh, no.

He was writhing under me in pain, and I'm like, wait, what happened? He went to slap my butt, but ended up slapping himself in the balls. I've never heard him laugh so hard during sex. Even after all that, he managed to stay hard and finish. We still joke about it today, and I have to tell you, we got this story twice.

Wow.

Two different couples said in cowgirl, he went to slap her ass and slapped himself in the ball. I'm just.

I'm just trying to imagine how you do this. Like, that's like, you're really going for, like, the low. The low butt slap.

Going for them cheeks yeah, like.

Like the bottom of the cheeks and then like, you misjudged the timing.

Uh, have you ever slapped yourself in the balls?

I don't think I have no.

Been slapped in them.

I mean, like, I've accidentally, like bumped myself in the balls, but like, not like with my own hand, I don't think. No, no. I mean, yeah. God. Wow.

What do you think that would feel like? Just slap yourself in the ball.

I mean, how hard. How hard of a spank was he going for?

It sounds like pretty hard. She said he was writhing in pain.

Oh, God. Yeah. I mean, hey, how he kept it up. More power to him, I guess.

You would not have been able to finish. I don't think you would have. You would have just. It would have been over.

I don't know. I don't know. I hope to never find out. All right, moving on. Our next one is I was with my high school sweetheart and we were at his family members cabin. We were both 17 and always looking for time to sneak away and have sex. While everyone was out on the deck, we went to the basement bathroom. Oh, wow. Like, not. They're not even out of the house.

Yeah.

Daring. Daring. I'm loud. So I was so focused on being quiet and he was so focused on me that as I bent over to do doggy style standing, which was the only option at that moment, I smacked my forehead full force on the granite countertop. I blacked out for a couple of seconds and fell. He immediately came to my rescue. Still hard. That's how fast it happened. Somehow there was no blood, no concussion. And I have no idea how he kept checking my pupils. I bruised, but we lied and said I slipped in the bathroom. Oh, God.

Another painful one. Full force on a granite countertop.

Ow.

It sounds terrible. I hope you're okay. Glad you didn't get a concussion.

I was like. I was worried for a minute that it was going to be like, oh. But like, we kept going.

No good.

Yeah.

That's not a ball slap. That's time to be done.

Yeah. Time to be careful.

Next story. Husband and I both came from purity culture. Sex was a new thing to both of us when we got married and we were each other's firsts. Shortly after we were married, we decided to get adventurous and do something new. We had seen and heard about whipped cream and sex and we thought it would be a good idea to try that side note. Varsity blues.

Yeah.

Remember that? That was like pivotal moment in my sexual awakening. Like, oh, the whipped cream bikini.

Oh, my God. Yeah.

Okay, so they were probably going for something like that. But she writes, only we didn't have whipped cream. We found honey and decided it would be a good substitute.

Oh, yeah. Sounds like a. Yeah, great idea.

It was not. We stuck together like glue and could not pull ourselves apart.

What kind of honey did you use?

I have heard multiple people share stories like this before. There's something about honey, I think, particularly when it interacts with. With skin or body hair. I don't know, but we might have to do a little experiment on this later. But it turns into. Wait, let me finish. In desperation, we ripped ourselves apart. My husband's chest hair and skin stuck to my breasts. We were both red and raw from the ordeal, and it was painful to wear clothing for a few days afterwards.

Wow. Yeah.

I've heard people say before, like, they got. They just got completely stuck. I mean, it's kind of like sugaring, like hair wax removal. Sugar is made with honey or sugar water paste. Like there's just something about it, especially with hair, that it, it gets real sticky.

Yeah. I mean, I'm just thinking about, you know, like putting honey in, like, things that you eat, like an acai bowl or something like that. And it's like, it's not glue in that format.

But that's not skin and hair.

Yeah.

We gotta give it a little test.

It's not skin and hair. I. I don't know if I want to test that.

I'm gonna test it on your balls.

Oh, great. Oh, that sounds like a. That sounds like a real good idea. I mean, they were, they were so desperate to rip themselves apart. Like, they couldn't have taken a minute to like shuffle, step together into the shower. I know, like, get some hot water on it.

Can you imagine that visual, though, of like his chest hair and skin, like, stuck to her boobs?

Oh.

So pro tip, no honey in the bedroom. And honestly, whipped cream is not very fun either. It gets real sticky, makes a real big mess. So.

Yeah, I mean, also with whipped cream, right? Like it's. It's, you know, a cream, it's whipped, but, like your body is warm. Yeah, but wait, but here's what I'm saying. Usually you put whipped cream on, like cool, like on berries or something like that. If you put whipped cream on a super hot, like pumpkin pie or something, it starts to melt quite quickly.

Yes.

Right. Like, it doesn't stay in that nice whipped texture. So you put whipped cream onto a body that's like 98 degrees, it's gonna start melting pretty quickly. It's not actually gonna stay in that, you know, nice little whipped cream bikini.

Yeah. I mean, you can do, like, little, tiny. Like a tiny spurt and lick it up immediately, but, like, no, you don't want to do it all over your partner's mouth.

Not like a whipped cream mummy.

That's a horrible visual.

You know. You know how, like, you know the game where you, like, roll someone up in toilet paper? It's like a raise to go faster. Like, how fast can you cover someone in whipped cream? I would love to see that. Next one is we were fooling around in his car in a parking lot, and a cop car showed up, and we panicked and started driving away before they could see us, but we were still fully naked. Wow. That's like some. Some. They were on top of it. Yeah.

To be able to just start to.

Be able to do that so quickly. Like, were you guys, like, having sex and, like, on the lookout the whole time? All right. We didn't know what to do, so we just kept driving back into our little town and ended up at a red light. Looked beside us, and that was a huge dump truck. The driver was looking down at us and laughing.

Nice. I love how they're like, let's just drive back to town fully naked. Like, go to. Go to a little field or something.

Clothes back on a field that just happens to. To convenience.

They said they're in a little town, so.

True. True. I mean, I'm just imagining that, okay. Like, you started driving and then, you know, you find yourself, like, on a road or, like, you know, maybe there's like, a median or something, and you can't do, you know, you can't do a U turn. You're. You got to keep going. Or, like, I don't know, somehow you ended up, like, on the freeway and, like, can't get off and blah, blah, blah. I don't know.

All right, here's our next one. It's Valentine's Day. My boyfriend's parents were out of town and gave me a key to their house. We were 19. He still lived at home. While he was at work, I set up his bedroom candles, champagne, made a heart out of Hershey's Kisses on the bed. He comes home from work around 10pm and we get a little tipsy and have sex. Fast forward to the morning. I wake up naked, covered in brown stuff.

Oh, boy.

I frantically pull the covers over myself and act normal. I was convinced I had pooped the bed. My boyfriend got up to make us coffee, and while I was assessing the situation, I remembered the Hershey's Kisses. It wasn't shit, it was chocolate. So of course, at that point, I had to share with him the comedy of it all. If it was poop, I probably would have hopped out the window.

Wow. Well, I mean, that's a. That's definitely a disorienting way to wake up. I feel like you could. You could like, you could have made like a really nasty practical joke out of it of like, oh, my God, like, what's all over me? And then like, you take a lick of it.

Oh.

And like, oh, it's just chocolate.

Well, romance gone wrong. You gotta clean up those Hershey's Kisses before you start getting down.

Man, oh, man. All right, how about this one? My husband and I started dating at 17. A lot of 17s in here. Lot of 17 year old mishaps. So if you're 17, just take it easy, take it easy. Don't get into any trouble.

Sander's life advice for teenagers.

You have a much higher likelihood of making a poor decision and things going wrong. I think you have a higher chance of having a sex accident. So, okay, be careful. I'm not trying to scare people straight. So my husband and I started dating at 17, and shortly into our relationship, we were fooling around and I was grinding on top of him. I had jeans on and he had just his underwear on. At some point, I was grinding a little too hard and he shouted, ow. We turned on the lights and he was bleeding everywhere from his penis. He's uncircumcised. And I guess the friction of us grinding had torn his foreskin a bit. There was a lot of blood.

I'm shocked that you're not like shrieking right now.

I mean, ow. It does sound painful. We went to the emergency and they literally gauze bandage, wrapped his penis and told him to ice it and take it easy.

Speaking of mummy.

Yes. Being a mummy. Penis mummy. Next day, we both went to work. We worked at the same grocery store, and I watched him stocking the produce from my register and walking up and down the store like he had a full diaper on. Poor guy.

Oh, well, his action. You got to be careful with the grinding. We actually have a similar story with this one here. I was giving the guy I was seeing a blowjob. It was pitch dark in the room. All of a sudden, I felt a lot more liquid in my mouth than I was expecting and started to taste blood.

Oh, God.

We flipped on the lights and there was blood all over the inside and outside of my Mouth, my hands all over his penis. And some had dripped on the floor. It looked like a crime scene. We panicked and ran into the bathroom unsure of where it was coming from. I was obsessively rinsing my mouth out while he was wiping off his penis. We then saw a tiny little cut on his penis. It's truly amazing how much blood can come from an erect penis so quickly. I'm still not sure exactly what happened.

Oh, God. I mean, you know what? I've never thought about that, but I get it. Makes sense because, I mean, an erection is just blood filling up your penis. So if you any sort of little cut, it's like it's coming right out. Oh, God. Yeah. That's awful. I feel like now both of these stories just made me think of this memory that I had from middle school that was one of my friends in middle school. Like, I used to spend the night at his house occasionally. And he told me that like another, another friend of his, not. Not someone that we went to school with, but like, another one of his friends had like, had like cut, like somehow like cut his penis at my friend's house. Like he was like spending the night. He was like spending the night, like sleeping on the floor or something. And he had like popped a boner in his sleep and like shaved it.

There's something suspicious about this.

Yeah, there's definitely something suspicious because this friend also lied to me about a number of other sexual related things. Made me think that this guy had a lot of experience and we were in seventh grade. Spoiler alert, he had none. Yeah, I don't know, I just always had that memory, that fear of like waking up with a bleeding penis.

I don't think it just happens like that.

Yeah, I don't know. So, okay, up next, I was having hot sex with my boyfriend at the time. I was riding him on top and we were seeing if I could orgasm during PNV penetration. His penis was quite large. And sometimes it was hard to tell if this is intense and I'm going to come soon or if this is intense and we should actually back off a little. Anyhow, I was trying to just trust the process and lose myself a little. And what ended up happening was that I took a shit while riding my boyfriend. That's in all caps, by the way. The emphasis is all theirs. It was just a small turd of poop, but he was grossed out and I was mortified.

What would you do if I pooped on you?

I don't know. I would, I would. I Would try very hard to, like. To, like, not make you feel ashamed, but it might be hard. Just.

I can really picture you, like, just trying so hard to be kind about it. I. I would die if I pooped on you. Oh, my God. I do have to say, though, because I know there are probably a lot of women out there being like, oh, my God. It's like, what happens when you can.

You can. Entering piv.

This is literally in my entire career in, you know, over two decades of being in this field, I have never heard of somebody accidentally pooping on their partner during cowgirl. So I just want to say it's extremely rare. This is not something that happens when you, like, let go and, like, give up control, but it is a very funny story. I appreciate that she was able to laugh at herself about it, but don't be afraid that this is what's going to happen. Next story. We were in my partner's bedroom at his college house, and his room was in the basement, so the ceiling was pretty low. And my partner is pretty tall. We were really getting into it one night, and he went to passionately throw the comforter off the bed, but he hit the ceiling light, and the glass shattered, raining down on us and the bed. We just froze and started laughing, trying not to move. I'm sure the vision of me trying to get up and off the bed, him trying to coach me around the shards, and us tiptoeing around the scene naked must have been hilarious. Zachary.

Hey, good on you for, like, this not turning into a worse sex accident of, like. Of, like, you know, the glass raining down and then, like, we are cutting each. Yeah. Ripping each other up with the glass. Like, I thought this was about to get way worse, so. So, you know, props. Props to you, but, yeah, definitely be careful with just haphazardly throwing things. I feel like we, like, I don't know, toss the pillows around sometimes, I guess. Never, like, up. It's more like to the side. But I'm kind of shocked. Like, we've never. I feel like for us, it would be very likely that we would have accidentally, like, kind of tossed a pillow and it, like, hits a water glass, like, on the outside table. And the.

Maybe we need to be careful.

I don't know. Or maybe we just need to, like, toss things around with more abandonment. All right, I'm up. When my current partner and I first had Zach's 10 years ago now, I put the condom on him, and he obviously wasn't paying much attention, as at the time I had condoms that were solid green in color.

Interesting choice.

Where did you get colored? I've never seen colored condoms.

Oh, yeah, they have them. They're usually flavored.

Oh, okay.

They're not usually. Not great.

What is this, like, like candy apple flavor? Afterwards, when it was all done and dusted and he pulled out and saw his green penis, he thought something had gone terribly wrong and that he'd broke his penis. This utterly priceless moment.

Gotta be careful with the colored condoms.

That would be a shotgun.

At least it wasn't bleeding.

I mean, look, I. I still have question about this because, like, when you are having sex, like, how do you. How did you never, like, look down and, like, see the outside?

It was in the dark.

In the dark? Yeah. Oh, but then. But then how do you see it?

You're turning the lights on afterwards.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

Here's the next story.

I don't know. Yeah. The moral of the story. You gotta pay attention. Gotta check on your penis every now and then.

I love when your voice cracks. Check on your penis every now and then.

Or I mean, check on the condom, like, make sure it's still on. Right?

Yeah. That is good advice.

Yeah. Safe sex, babe.

Here's the next story. My college boyfriend and I were staying in a hotel nearby campus and having a nice little getaway. Since we were long distance, we hopped in the shower and we started having sex doggyish style. We were both standing, but I was bent over and holding onto the bath faucet.

I'm worried. I'm worried.

Somehow, during the slippery, wet, hot sex, I slipped, fell out of the shower and hit my head on the toilet and was lodged between the toilet and the shower. The shower curtain broke and water went everywhere. I instantly burst into tears, but simultaneously couldn't help but laugh hysterically at the situation. Thankfully, only my pride was bru. And my boyfriend was so sweet and attentive, helping me to the bed and dry off. We laughed it off and finished what we started. On the bed instead of in the shower. Fail turned into a win.

There you go. Here. This is a tale of not taking things so seriously. I mean, fortunately, in this case, there was no blood. Sounds like no serious injury.

Your head on the toilet.

Yeah, that. Yeah, that is. That is true.

And then they, like, lodged, like, crumpled in between the toilet and the shower. We have heard a number of shower sex gone wrong stories, and they're always like a domino effect of horrible things. Like, we crashed through the glass door, we pulled down the faucet, the shower curtain Came down. Then we smashed into this. It's like always. It just keeps going and going.

So this is why I don't like shower sex, babe.

I know I'm a fan of shower sex, but it is a little bit tricky with our one foot height difference. And yeah, you're not a big fan of it, but there do seem to be a lot of accidents that happen in the shower. So maybe it's not so bad that we don't often have it.

Yeah. So if you're 17, just definitely avoid showers too, because you're already at high risk for sex accidents, and showers are only going to double that risk. So stay away, 17 year olds.

All right, we are already at our last story, and I saved my favorite one for last.

All right, you save it for me to read.

Yeah.

All right. One time while on a road trip, my partner and I were talking about what we liked and didn't like about our sex life, which always gets us riled up. Too riled up to keep driving. So we ended up pulling over. He was kneeling on the floor of the passenger seat, going down on me all the way. Reclined. We were down a little embankment. So with the angle, even if cars pass, we were not visible and therefore I could let go. But next thing I know, there is a woman on horseback in front of our car, and we make eye contact for a second before she shields her eyes and looks away. Literally, the only way someone could have seen into our car was if they were 9ft tall or on a horse. And I guess it was our lucky day. The moment passed that day, and now we only stop for roadside quickies far away from farms.

Can you imagine, like, having sex and you look up and there's just a horse, just a woman on a horse staring down at you.

Yeah. Riding along the side of the freeway. Sounds like a great. A great ride. Wow.

You know, we had the dump truck driver from earlier and now we've got the woman on horseback.

Yeah, it's her lucky day.

I also love that this couple just, like, continues having. Now they're, like, so specific. Only roadside quickies.

Yeah, Yeah, I noticed that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, the farms are the problem. I mean, I'm not saying that this is a problem, but it's. Yeah. Very specific. Okay, so like. But, like, what else could go wrong?

All right, well, that is it for our hilarious sex stories. Let us know if you liked this episode. We thought it was really funny and just wanted to share these stories with you. But let us know maybe you have a funnier story. Maybe you want to HEAR A Part 2. And if you are not following us already on Instagram, definitely make sure to come check us out at Vanessa and Xander. And especially on Saturdays, we are in Stories doing Spill It Saturdays with all sorts of funny stories just like these.

All right, well, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about what to do if your partner refuses to talk about sex.

Sam.