Episode 112: Creating A Shortcut To Intimacy With Compliments

Well, I think especially in long term relationships, it's just so much easier for us to think about the things that annoy us about our partner, the things that they do wrong. I mean, our brains just naturally gravitate towards the things that feel more frustrating. And so coming up with compliments is actually a practice in paying closer attention. Like looking for the positive, looking for the good thing. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast where your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Thanks to Dipsea for supporting Pillow Talks. Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories. Get an extended 30 day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com pillow thanks to Green Chef for their continued support of Pillow Talks. Green Chef is the number one meal kit for eating well with dinners that work for you, not the other way around. Go to greenchef.com pillow50 and use code PILLOW50 to get 50% off plus free free shipping. Today we are talking about compliments. We love compliments over here. Not just because I'm a words of affirmation person either, but we think that they are one of the easiest ways to create more intimacy between you and your partner.

And they're often one of the most underlooked. Overlooked. Overlooked ways? Is underlooked even a word?

No.

They are one of the most overlooked ways to increase intimacy in your relationship. Which is why we're so excited about this episode.

There's a lot of bang for your buck that you can get out of a compliment.

Oh yeah.

So in this episode we are going to be talking about why compliments are important, how to give a good one, and how to get comfortable receiving them.

But before we get into Vanessa just complimenting me for the entirety of a Pillow Talks episode, I do have to compliment us using the review of the week.

Wow.

Yes.

Okay.

It's a compliment sandwich. And I know that's not really the the right definition, the right usage of compliment sandwich, but coast to coast Pillow Talk. We heard your interview on Glennon's podcast right before we left to drive cross country from California to our new home in New Hampshire. So for a 3,000 miles. My husband and I binged pillow talks for six to eight hours a day. Actually, it says for six to eight a day, so I don't know if they mean 6am to 8pm or. Or. Regardless, it's a lot of hours.

Wow.

And then we tried out new things in the camper each night in every state between the west and east coasts. Hell yeah.

My God, it.

Before we left, my mom said, this trip will make or break your marriage. Wow. That is the opposite of a compliment. All right, Mom. Well, I think you're about to be proven wrong. Lucky for us, pillow talks made it a win. East coast, we're coming in hot.

Oh, my God, what a fun review. And wow, what a journey. I wonder, though, after listening to our voices for six to eight hours a day, like, I don't know, it sounds like things could get kind of weird. That's a lot of hours.

It is.

Every day.

I mean, you listen to my voice for six to eight hours a day, and it doesn't get too weird, I don't think.

But you're not talking the entire time. There's a lot of silence. A lot of quiet. But this is so cool. And if you don't know what this reviewer is talking about, I have done a handful of episodes on We Can Do Hard Things, Glennon Doyle's podcast that she does with her wife, Abby Wambach, and sister Amanda. So check that out. But we really appreciate these reviews. It helps the podcast grow so much, helps us get in front of new people, help make or break other marriages. So we do a weekly giveaway as our way of saying thank you for leaving a review. So go over to Apple Podcasts, go to the main Pillow Talks page, scroll down to the bottom, and you'll see a place to leave a review. Once you leave a review there, you are entered into our giveaway every week going forward. And if you hear your review read on an episode, you can email us@infomtherapy.com and we will give you your choice of one of our four masterclasses absolutely free as our way of saying thank you. All right, so let's get into it. We went over to our Instagram community. We are Vanessa and Xander, if you are not following us yet. And we asked a bunch of questions about compliments. We'll be sharing some of the answers all throughout this episode, but one of the first questions that we asked was, how do you feel about receiving compliments? Here are the responses that we got. 20% said love them, and my partner gives enough so that's only one in five couples, like, feel like they're in a good place with their relationship. With compliments, the most common response was 52% people said, love them, but wish my partner gave them more often. So half of people want more compliments. 19% said, I don't feel comfortable receiving compliments, and 9% coming in at I'm ambivalent.

Yeah.

So don't really care.

Yeah. A vast majority of people do enjoy compliments, but most of them are wishing that they would get more of them. So, you know, I guess of the people who responded, you know, only about one in five said they don't feel comfortable receiving compliments. But clearly there are a lot of partners out there who may not be as comfortable giving the compliments to their partner who wants to be receiving them. So we're going to be talking in this episode about how to get more compliments out of your partner and also how to become more comfortable giving and receiving compliments, because that's definitely a big thing is having some kind of discomfort either with the giving or the receiving.

So tell us about the flip side of it.

Yeah. So the flip side is we ask, okay, how would you describe your relationship with giving compliments? 72% of people said, I'm totally comfortable and I give them frequently. 24% said I'm not super comfortable giving them. And 4% said, I'm okay giving them, but my partner doesn't deserve receiving them very often, so I don't give them.

Now I realized spicy with that response.

I got a little spicy with writing the poll, and I probably should have softened the language of that one a little bit because I think it was a little confronting. But I feel like we do get a, we do get DMS a lot from people kind of describing this situation of like, well, I don't really know what I would compliment my partner because, like, they're not really doing very much compliment worthy. What I will say, though, is that on Instagram, our audience is very heavily female. We would love more male followers. Yes, we would love that. But, you know, with that caveat, what I think I. What, what I can. The conclusion I can draw from this is the, that our audience is like 90 plus percent women. So it sounds like in general women must be more comfortable than men when it comes to giving and receiving compliments because they are saying, hey, I'm comfortable with it, but I wish that I would get more of them. So this might be a great episode to play in the background for your partner to kind of Tee up this whole conversation.

So, like I mentioned at the beginning of the episode, we really love compliments. Compliments are a huge part of dating and flirting when you're first getting to know, know somebody. And I think that's what draws us to a person. Like somebody seeing something in us, appreciating something in us. And this is definitely something that people stop doing as they get into long term relationships. But we're really big believers that just because you won your partner over in the beginning and now you have them or got it locked down, I'm putting these things in air quotes. Like, that doesn't mean that you take the foot off the gas and you stop putting in any effort whatsoever.

Yeah, I mean, I. That's why we think using that kind of term terminology is actually so unhelpful. I think we're only saying that because that's how a lot of people think about it. Like, oh, I've locked them down, I've won them over. I think the problem with that type of terminology is that it does give this implication, whether it's like explicit or kind of subtle, that, like, yeah, okay, yeah, you can take your foot off the gas. You've. You've won the game. Like, you don't have to keep playing. And the reality is, you know, we have to keep doing nice things for our partner to keep the relationship spicy and healthy and exciting, happy. Yeah. Plus, having more compliments in your relationship can actually increase the amount of gratitude you have in your relationship. And the way that that works is you guys are complimenting each other, you are validating each other, you're helping each other feel good, you're helping each other feel happy. You're so much more likely to feel grateful for the things that your partner does and feel grateful for your partner and grateful for the great relationship that you have. When you guys are regularly complimenting each other, regularly validating each other, regularly feeling all that connection. And, you know, we know research has shown that gratitude is one of the biggest predictors of marital or relationship satisfaction. And so, you know, of course, like, gratitude is something that we can do. Like, okay, you know, regardless of what is going on, I can find something to be grateful for. But then there's also, like, you know, gratitude can also kind of hit you in the face. Like when you're not expecting it, something really nice happens to you, Your partner does something really nice for you, and then you can naturally feel that gratitude as well. So I think that, you know, gratitude is important to do in both ways. Like, it's great at any point in the day to find things to be grateful for. But it's also great if you are doing things for your partner to just kind of hit them in the face with the gratitude.

Don't hit your partner in the face.

Okay, yeah, that's bad. Bad metaphor. Sorry about that. You know, to. To put that. To lay the foundation for that gratitude. To be there.

There you go. The other thing about compliments is they're free. They're very easy to give.

They're quick.

Yeah, they're easy. They're quick. You know, they take, what, a couple of seconds to give a compliment? So they're a very simple thing to do. But you can have so many positive benefits from very little effort.

But I think that it's that simplicity that does trip some people up, because people might think, oh, well, it doesn't take very much time. It doesn't take very much effort, so it can't possibly make that that big of a difference. Right.

So this was another thing that we asked our Instagram community about. We said, how does it feel when you receive a compliment from your partner? And we're going to read you a handful of the most common responses that we got. Someone said, amazing. Like, he still notices me and looks at me. I feel valued and loved. Glowing, a confidence boost, lit up, warm and fuzzy, desired, on top of the world.

Makes me feel connected and appreciated. Affirming, makes me feel happier and more confident. I appreciate feeling seen. Now, I do want to call your attention to the fact that we didn't find a lot of. There weren't a lot of people that had, like, just minorly positive things to say. Like, it. It feels nice for about two seconds. And then I move on for my day. We later on, we will talk about comments that people made of people who are not very comfortable receiving compliments, because that is another issue. But in general, you know, we received a lot of super positive responses to that question of what does it feel like? And then we get some responses that are a bit more negative from people who are not very comfortable receiving compliments. But we didn't get any responses right in the middle of, like, it's meh. Don't really care.

So the first step, if you want to have more compliments in your relationship or even just change your relationship with compliments, the first step is to have a conversation with your partner about compliments. One aspect of this conversation should be asking your partner about their history with compliments. Like, what was it like growing up? How did their family treat compliments because the way that they grew up is, of course, going to impact how they show up now as an adult. So, for example, and we're going to read you a story from somebody like this in a little bit. Like, maybe they grew up in a family where compliments were never given. Or maybe there was always a lot of discomfort whenever compliments were given. So they, like, more subtly picked up that, like, oh, compliments are not a great thing. Or maybe they have a belief that if you give compliments too often, they're not going to be as meaningful. Like, maybe they had parents who literally said, you know, oh, you can't hear that too many times because it's going to lose the value. Or even a totally different thing. Like, I don't want to compliment you too many times because it's going to inflate your ego.

It's going to go to your head.

Yeah, it's going to go to your head. So just asking your partner, like, hey, how were compliments treated in your family growing up? What sorts of examples did you see? Like, that's going to be so powerful. And I know this sounds like a very, like, psychology 101 type of point, but if you're in a relationship right now and you're feeling frustrated by, like, my partner never gives me compliments, or they only give me bad compliments, like, it's very easy to just think of what's happening in the moment now and not think of the larger context or.

To think to take it personally, to personalize it and be like, oh, they must really not like me very much. They must actually think I'm doing a horrible job or whatever. And it's so easy to make it about us rather than having empathy for, oh, my partner may have grown up in a very different way than I did. They may even intellectually understand that the way that, you know, they grew up with that was not very healthy. But it's still hard to kind of translate from that intellectual, like, oh, yeah, that wasn't a very good experience I had as a kid. I should do that different, differently. It's probably for the best if I do that differently. It's so hard sometimes to get from there to actually doing it in real life.

Also, as part of this conversation, you can talk to your partner about what role do you want compliments to play in your relationship? And seeing, like, what, you know, as adults, what are your perspectives about compliments? And you're probably going to be on slightly different pages. That's normal in all relationships. Like, we're Often on different pages about things, but you want to be clear with your partner about the role that you want compliments to play. Like, what is the specific ask that you have of your partner? And we're going to talk more about this throughout the episode. But I think just taking on that agency and saying, like, telling your partner something like, I love compliments. It makes me feel so good to hear them. I would love to hear them from you on a regular basis or even maybe something totally different. Like, I love giving compliments, and I would love to see you getting more comfortable receiving them. So you're just, like, laying this foundation of what are you both looking for? What do you need from each other? Understanding each other, what you're looking for. It's just going to help you get started on the same page.

Yeah. And to be really clear, this is not a conversation where you're coming in hot, being like, you need to start giving me more compliments. You have to do this. I think it's, you know, it's. That's why we have that first part of the conversation where you're talking about your. Your history with it, because I think people need to recognize this isn't. It seems simple, but this isn't like an overnight type of change. I mean, I know, like, Vanessa and I have had this conversation before where, you know, where I started to understand, oh, she is, you know, she is a words of affirmation person. She loves receiving compliments, and words of affirmation is not my default love language. That's not to say I feel uncomfortable giving compliments, but it's just not something that comes to mind constantly. And, you know, it's like, maybe if something really amazing happens, I absolutely would have, you know, given a compliment, but I started to understand how great it makes her feel. And so I started realizing, oh, I need to start changing my, you know, my behavior, kind of changing my. My memory almost to start thinking, oh, that was nice that she did that. Let me give a compliment rather than kind of just like, you know, giving her a hug or. Because, you know, for me, that's my love language, physical touch. So, like, I would default to, like, oh, let me give her a hug. Like, that's better than a compliment. And, like, kind of rewiring that of, oh, okay, I could give more compliments. And that took a very long time for me to make that change since.

You'Re bringing up love languages. And actually, I know I did, too, at the beginning of the episode, but, like, I do want to make it clear that Even if your love language is not words of affirmation, compliments are still important. And it does tie back to what Xander was saying earlier about gratitude and appreciation. Like, these are some of the best predictors of marital success and satisfaction. So even if even both of you aren't words of affirmation, types like, we still do need to be working on saying kind and generous and loving things to each other. So let's tackle the compliments issue from all the different angles. We're going to get started with how to give a great compliment. So a quarter of our audience said that they struggled with or felt uncomfortable giving compliments.

And I'm sure that this number is much higher because I was talking about the whole gender breakdown of our audience. Right. And you know, how they wanted to be receiving more compliments from their partners. So, you know, I think that, you know, of couples who could potentially be listening to this episode, there are far more than just the quarter that could use some help, maybe with how to give a really great compliment.

So here's what people said is behind that discomfort. By far and away, the number one response was simply, I feel awkward giving them. It's like this. This awkwardness around it. Someone else said, it literally feels like shyness. I overthink it. I'm like, is this weird to say, or is this a weird time? When I do give compliments, it's never appreciated. We will come back to that point a little bit later. It's hard to give them when you never receive them. We will also come back to this one. And I don't feel comfortable receiving, so I assume others don't feel comfortable.

That's a really good one. I think. So many of us operate that way. We see the world through our own eyes. And if we feel uncomfortable with something, we assume others might be uncomfortable. We think we're sparing them by, you know, avoiding the thing that feels uncomfortable to us. And in reality, that's an us problem. It's not a them problem. All right. Other popular responses where my partner already knows what I think, so why should I keep repeating myself? I hate my partner's response to compliments. They always turn it into a joke. Yeah, that's called deflecting. We're going to talk about that later. And then here is a. Here's a really interesting one. We were referring to this earlier, and we were talking about the story of someone growing up in a household with a different relationship with compliments. So here it goes. It's not hesitation, per se. I grew up in a You should just know when you did a good job, you don't need to be told type of household. And it made me an absolutely insane perfectionist that never believes I actually do anything as well as I want to. Now, I really don't want to perpetuate this in my relationship. I have to constantly remind myself to verbalize the nice things I think about my partner so he can hear them. I feel like sometimes I sound inauthentic. Even when I fully believe what I'm saying to him. I'm not really sure why.

So let's talk about what to do if you feel awkward giving compliments. So I think it is important to acknowledge your history, your upbringing, like the way that you were taught to interact with compliments, but from there, consciously decide what kind of relationship you want to have with compliments.

Just like this person did.

Yeah, exactly. I love that they said, you know, I'm constantly reminding myself to verbalize the nice things I think about my partner. It's just, you know, they're recognizing, like, that is not my natural inclination. It's something that requires reminding and effort. But they are willing to do it because it's important to them. Now, you may have heard us talk about awkwardness before. We're actually kind of big fans of awkwardness. Like, I don't think awkwardness is something that we all need to be so afraid of or try so hard to avoid all of the time. Like, I just see these responses about, like, oh, it feels awkward to give a compliment. And I think, like, who cares if it's awkward? Like, and also, like, it's kind of always been awkward. Like, if you really think back to when you were dating your partner and like first starting to give them compliments that probably felt very awkward, you're like, oh, I don't know, like, how are they going to receive it? How's it going to sound? Are they going to say something nice about me? Like, there is this awkwardness around it.

Oh, yeah. I mean, even if you go back to, you know, kind of like very early teenage years, maybe when you're starting you think someone's cute in your class and you're like trying to give them a compliment, like, I feel like that it's so awkward even from the very beginning, like, oh, you look nice today.

Is that what you sounded like?

I mean, I definitely had a higher.

Pitched voice that's very high. But interestingly enough, like, it was the awkwardness that made those moments so endearing. Like when you're starting to date somebody and they give you. A compliment like that. Like, you're not like. Like, oh, that was weird. You're like, oh, my God, that's so cute. Look how, like, awkward. And you know how hard they're trying to do this.

Yeah, it's like they're trying it anyway. They're doing it anyway, despite the awkwardness. That makes it feel more vulnerable and more authentic, actually. I think on the receiving end, at least.

So we have a funny example. When Xander and I were dating, we were in that stage where we were, you know, obviously in love with each other, but nobody was saying it first. And we had all these moments of, like, eye contact and, like, silence. And one of us should have said it, but we were both being big old weenies.

A lot of like, oh, I really like you. I really like you.

And this isn't, like, specifically a compliment, I guess, but when Xander finally did say it, he ended up saying, I think I love you. And it was just like this horribly awkward, goofy, silly little moment.

I was like, wait, what do I actually.

Yeah, I was like, does this count? Think I love you, too. But it was that awkwardness that made that moment so touching and, you know, makes me look back at it so fondly.

And I was so in that moment just to rewind that moment, like, for a minute, I was like, oh, my God, have I just totally, royally screwed this up? Like I said, I think, like, I'm trying to tell her I love her, but, like, now if I. Now if I say I love her right afterwards, like, am I, you know, is she gonna think, like, oh, well, maybe he's not sure. And now she's not going to believe me if I. If I said it. But so, like, yeah, I felt super awkward, and I was super on guard for a moment, and I saw that, like, she thought that was the most endearing thing ever. And now it's like, you know, a funny story that we could laugh about, that we can bond about. You know, we feel so much closer as a result of that, rather than, you know, it being this super suave, like, oh, yeah, babe, I'm totally in love with you. I'm gonna profess my love to you, blah, blah, blah. It was this very real life kind of thing. Like, neither of us really want to say this. It feels uncomfortable to be the first one. What if, you know, she doesn't reciprocate? And then, you know, it kind of comes out in a word vomit sandwich, and it ends up being this really nice, sweet moment. And also just, like, going back to the example That I read a minute ago about, you know, a person that feels super awkward or inauthentic giving them because they grew up in a household where they never really received them and probably weren't encouraged to be giving them. You know, I think that's also the importance of having that conversation with your partner about what your relationship with compliments is. Because if your partner is able to understand, hey, this is a huge challenge for me. I'm. The deck is stacked against me. Like, I didn't have any examples of this growing up. I feel super uncomfortable with it. And even sharing, you know, I. I try to give them to you now. There's even this part of me that feels super inauthentic giving it. I think if you are on the receiving end of that and then you get a compliment from your partner, it's. It's almost even more meaningful. You see that they are really trying and you can see, like, oh, yeah, this is really hard for them, and yet they are doing it anyway. And. And I think that's so important rather than not having that conversation and then kind of giving these, you know, awkward feeling compliments and your partner's like, not really sure what's going on with that. So I think it's so important to have that conversation to understand where each other is coming from so that you can better understand, like, what you are receiving. So if this is you, if you feel awkward, if you feel inauthentic, if you feel judgmental of yourself when you are giving them, go easy on yourself, but keep on practicing. It's that effort that you put in that counts. And, you know, with building any kind of habit, it's the repetition that will eventually help you overcome whatever feelings are coming up for you. So keep on going.

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So let's dig a little bit deeper and talk about how to come up with a great compliment. So another really valuable conversation that you can have with your partner is talking about what kinds of compliments you like? There are an infinite number of compliments that you can give to your partner. And what we each like is so individual and so specific. So for example, maybe you have a partner who hates. Hates appearance based compliments. And we'll talk about this in a second as well. Or maybe they like hearing the same compliment, like me. I'm a perfect example here. I love the compliment. You're killing it, babe. Xander could say that every day and it would not lose its meaning to me. It would still feel fun. Versus maybe you have a partner who likes mixing it up and hearing different things. So here are some questions you could ask your partner. Like, what are your favorite compliments to hear? What's the best compliment I've ever given you? What types of compliments feel better to you than other types of compliments? Like, you're just trying to get a sense of what they like.

Another thing to do to try to come up with good compliments is think back to the past. So what attracted you to your partner in the first place? Are there any attributes or things that maybe you've been taking for granted a little bit recently? I think this is a really great exercise to help you think of, oh yeah, this thing I like. I just.

Just.

Yeah, I don't. I don't ever say anything about that. And maybe I should also. You can pay attention to them in the present. Like, what do you appreciate about them right now? I think this gets back to the. Just the kind of the taking our foot off the gas pedal in relationship. It's so easy to just be like, okay, yeah, like, they do this for me, I do this for them. That's our job. We don't really like, it's just like, we're just doing it so the household runs. We don't really need to like, do anything else to. We don't need to compliment each other about it.

Well, I think especially in long term relationships, it's just so much easier for us to think about the things that annoy us about our partner, the things that they do wrong. I mean, our brains just naturally gravitate towards the things that feel more frustrating. And so coming up with compliments is actually a practice in paying closer attention, like looking for the positive, looking for the good things. And that's why it can be such a powerful practice because it's not just this three second throwaway of like, you look nice today. It's. It's actually making you look at your partner in a new way and think about like, what is it that I appreciate about them. What is so amazing about them, you're directing more attention towards them in this really positive way. So our next tip is to be cautious about appearance based compliments. I mentioned this a second ago. Like, I think most people enjoy being told at least occasionally that their appearance looks nice. Like, obviously that is something we've all been socialized to believe is important. But when we did these polls on Instagram, a lot of people said, I don't love appearance compliments. And a lot of people also said, the only compliments my partner ever gives me are about my appearance. And I want my partner to see deeper. Like, I don't want them just looking at what I look like on the surface, what my skin looks like. Like, I want them to see inside of me. So definitely a great question to ask your partner. Like, do you like appearance based compliments? You know, do you like other types of compliments better? And I think, especially if you have a female partner like us, women have been socialized to believe that our value lies in our appearance. And we have so much BS about, like, how our appearance is supposed to look, all these ways that we don't measure up. And these are one of the most common types of compliments that people reject. The appearance based compliments given to a woman, like, I feel like that's just, just a classic scenario of like, oh, you look so nice, babe. And she's like, oh, I look terrible today.

Yeah. But I will say, you know, because of that socialization, you might ask your partner what type of compliments you like, and your partner might be like, oh, I love it when you give me appearance based compliments. And I just want to caution you that that's great, give appearance based compliments. But even if your partner doesn't tell you to, I would still aim to give some other types of compliments to them. Them as well. Because even if they tell you, yeah, I love appearance based compliments, just give them to me all the time. It feels super validating. If you only do that, you may actually be unintentionally reinforcing that kind of bad socialization or that bad narrative in your partner's mind that, oh, yeah, my only value is in my appearance. Another great thing that you can do to make your compliments feel even more meaningful and like, less superficial is to give a Y to follow up your compliment. This is gonna make it feel like the compliment is even more tailored to them. Like, it's not like, you know, we told you, oh, you know, say these, this, say the Sentence to your partner, and they're gonna love you forever, Right? So, like, an example of that is, like, hey, last night, you were such an incredible listener when I was venting about that situation with my best friend. You made me feel really seen and understood. I was feeling so frustrated at the situation going on before we had that conversation, and it really felt like it relieved some of the pressure in my mind with you just listening.

Another tip is to be detailed. Xander was just illustrating that very well right now. Like, it doesn't have to be over the top, but I think if you try to give a little bit more detail or phrase something in a more unique way, that can be more powerful. Because we definitely got so much feedback on Instagram of people saying, like, my partner just gives me these very generic comments. It doesn't feel authentic. And on the flip side, people also struggled to come up with more detailed and specific compliments. The awkwardness came back into play. Like, I just don't know how to say this, so just try to be, like, a little bit more detailed in what you're saying. So, for example, you look good. Like, okay, sure, that could feel nice to hear, but it's anything. It could be anything versus even just if I add one small detail. Like, your eyes are sparkling. You know, like, it's not that big of a deal, but it makes it feel more genuine, more interesting, more exciting.

Or, I mean, like, I really love that dress. I love the color of it. It's showing your partner that you are noticing things rather than just like repeating a line that you think you're supposed to say.

Now, let's talk about another piece of the puzzle. How to get more compliments. So remember, 52% of our. They love compliments and would like more of them from their partner. So I just want to give a quick reminder. We already did talk about this, but if your partner is not giving you a ton of compliments, like, don't take that personally. That may not be anything about you, necessarily, but much more about their upbringing, the way that they were raised around.

Compliments, which is why having that conversation again, we're going to keep hammering that point home, which is why having that whole conversation is so important. I think it's, you know, it's easy for us to be like, oh, don't take it personally. It's hard to not take it personally until you have actually had that conversation. You have that understanding of, oh, this is what's going on for them. All right, so what is the number one tip for receiving more compliments? You gotta ask for em, just straight up asking. I know. I mean, you may be hearing that and be like, oh God, like, that's exactly what I don't want to do do. But you gotta ask if it's something that you want, if it's something that's gonna feel good for you and you're not already getting it without asking. The only way to get it is to ask. And then here's the thing. You can't just ask once. You're gonna have to ask repeatedly. And that is because your partner can't read your mind. Your partner's obviously not like, naturally inclined to give you the amount of compliments that would feel good for you. So you know already that it's not like a default thing for that them. And if it's not a default thing for them, it's not something they're in the habit of. They have to build that habit. And that takes repetition. And you know, hey, maybe your partner is really incredible. You say it once and they immediately put all these reminders in their phone so that they, you know, they're like really great at building habits, but most people aren't. And the reality is you're just going to have to keep asking.

So I just have to jump in here if you're having a hard time with this mindset and like, Xander, no, I don't want to ask for it. That means it doesn't count. Count. We have a whole podcast episode for you. Episode 39. It's literally called does it count if you had to ask for it. So go check out that episode if you are feeling a little hung up on this.

But there is something that you can do along with repeatedly asking that will hopefully make the habit forming for your partner happen quicker.

So that is positive reinforcement. When your partner does give you compliments, make sure you are thanking them, acknowledging, giving them compliments in return. And in particular, it can be really powerful to go into detail about how it feels for you to receive or the impact that it has for you.

Yeah, this is so important and it might just, it might feel so basic to you. You're like, oh, that just feels like. It feels ridiculous that I need to explain, like, how good that makes me feel. But like, when Vanessa did this for me, when I accidentally said, you're killing it, I don't even remember what I said anymore. When I accidentally said that to her once and she got this big goofy grin on her face and started describing to me how good that made her feel, I was like, holy shit. Like, I I've. I think I figured this out. Like, I want to make her feel like that every day. This is so incredible. And I wouldn't have known that without her sharing with me what that was truly like for her. And that really, you know, kind of like, you know, started getting the. The, like, alarm bells in a positive way ringing in my brain of, like, okay, positive alarms. I don't know, like, getting the. I'm trying to think of, like, some other noise. I don't know, like, but it really. Or started getting the gears turning of, like, okay, this makes such a huge impact for her. I want to make that impact. It doesn't come naturally to me, so I need to start doing things to remind myself. And I literally put reminders in my phone. Phone. I. I don't even know how long. Probably for, like a year I had them in my phone. And, you know, it was just like, every couple days, it was like, giving us a compliment. And, you know, eventually I took those out of my phone because it did start coming to be to me more naturally. But this is so, so important. Like, literally spell it out to them what it feels like for you, how it make, you know, how great of a day you're having because of it. That is going to be so helpful.

And remember that response that we read earlier? Somebody said, like, I don't give that many because they're never appreciated. Or do, like, if you are not showing your partner how much you value those compliments, like, they're gonna stop giving them to you. You know, when we don't get positive reinforcement for our behaviors, we stop doing them very quickly. And we will get into a little bit more detail about that in just a second as well. Our last tip here about getting more compliments is to be generous and giving with your compliments. We did hear from a lot of people where it sounds like they're just in a standoff in their relationship. Like, well, my partner never gives me any, so I'm not going to give them any. And then you're just both withholding from each other, like, waiting for the other one to go first, but nobody's going first, so there's just, like, nothing good happening.

And I think this. This can even come up with the positive reinforcement. It can be like, okay, well, I asked you to give me a compliment because you barely ever give them to me. And so then your partner gives you a compliment the next day, and you, like, want to feel really happy about it, but then you're like, oh, I got to hold it together, because Like, I asked for that. Like, they didn't do it out of the goodness of their own heart or whatever. So it's like, I got to play it cool. Like, I'm not going to. You know, I can't show that I really love it until they start doing it more frequently. And so you don't positively reinforce them. And your partner goes, wait, they told me to give them this compliment. And it seems like they're totally unfazed by it. Did I do something wrong? Like, they must not really mean it that much. So this is where this type of withholding type of behavior actually really bites us. Like, we think that we. Like, we think that we don't want to, you know, positively reinforce them, or we don't want to give something freely to them because they're not giving it to us. And that actually just creates a situation that we don't want.

All right, let's bring it on home with the final angle that we are examining today, which is how to receive. Complex.

Ah, yes. So, yeah, so this is for the one in five people that said they don't really feel very comfortable receiving compliments. So first of all, we just wanted to ask, like, what is it like to receive compliments if you struggle receiving them? And the far and away, the number one response we got was just awkward. It feels really awkward for me to receive. Also, popular responses were stuff like, it's nice to hear, but I just don't know how to respond. Do I have to give a compliment back right away? Like, I just don't know how it works that it's insincere like, that they're just saying it because they want something out of me.

That might be a much bigger issue than most people realize. Like, we struggle to let the compliment in because we think there's an ulterior motive behind it.

Yeah, I mean, it's actually kind of a weird way that we just deflect from. Like, we don't allow ourselves to receive in them. We deflect into suspicion. Mm.

Another response said, I just don't believe them. Someone else said, I always respond sarcastically because I don't know how to react. And finally, I don't feel like I deserve it.

So clearly a lot of these people are shrugging off or denying compliments in some way or another. And I think what's behind this for a lot of people is this feeling that accepting a compliment is somehow going to be, like, bragging or seen as overly confident, and that doesn't feel good. And so they try to deflect but the problem with this is that it often actually has the opposite effect and may actually cause the compliment giver to work even harder. And that's because, like, the person who gave the compliment that is now being shrugged off or deflected, like, they have to give more compliments and double down or they need to try to explain their compliment. So instead of. Instead of, like, short circuiting the conversation, which is what the deflecting person is trying to do, they're like, oh, this is so uncomfortable. I need this conversation to stop. They actually prolong the conversation, because then, you know, like, if I give Vanessa a compliment and she tries to wriggle her way out of it, then I'm gonna be like, oh, no, no. Like, I'm really serious. And then I'm gonna go into more detail about it, or I'm going to, you know, keep giving compliments because I want one to be received by her. It can also make the person giving the compliment feel bad because they end up getting put on the spot to justify the compliment. They might find themselves the next day being like, oh, like, something just feels kind of yucky about that situation.

Like, well, you're basically calling them a liar if you're like, no. I mean, a lot of people literally say that, like, you're lying. And it's like, well, now I'm on the defensive of, like, I have to prove to you that I'm not a liar. And now I feel bad about myself. Like, my partner thinks I'm a liar. It just doesn't feel good at all.

Yeah, so my controversial opinion here, because I was someone that used to feel a bit like I needed to come kind of wriggle my way out of compliments because I just wanted to be humble. My controversial opinion here is that truly allowing yourself to receive a compliment is actually the most humble thing that you can do. Because rather than being like, oh, yeah, I did such a good job. Ha, ha ha, aren't I great? Or whatever, you're just like, thank you. I really appreciate that. The end. Like, literally, that's the end. Like, all you need to do to receive a compliment is say thank you to the person giving you the compliment, and actually the conversation can end right there. So to the person that's like, I need this to be over with. You are prolonging things so much by deflecting. You are actually, you know, exposing yourself as being super uncomfortable. You're drawing all this attention to yourself. And if you truly want to do the humble thing, it's literally just Sitting in that moment of discomfort, of this feels uncomfortable for me and this person is doing something really nice for me. I'm going to say thank you, I'm going to accept it, and then we're going to move on.

So Xander kind of covered some of these points already, but even in less extreme examples where maybe you're just feeling like a little bit of discomfort with the compliment, it's not like you're accusing your partner of lying or anything like that. But one way to think about this is is that denying a compliment is kind of like saying that your partner is wrong or that their opinion or their perspective is wrong or that you.

Just don't value it.

Yeah. Another way that I like to think of it is that when your partner is giving you a compliment, it's literally like they're handing you a gift. And if you deny or refuse to accept the compliment, it's like you're taking the gift and just throwing it back in their face.

Or like, oh, I didn't want that. This, I didn't ask for that.

Yeah, I think sometimes when we think about it as an actual, like, physical gift, it makes it easier to see, like, oh, God, like, yeah, I would never throw a gift like a physical wrapped little present. I would never throw that back in my partner's face. But energetically, that is what you're doing when you deny or refuse to accept a compliment. So receiving a compliment, it doesn't mean that you have to believe it. Like, if you have your own challenges with confidence, like, yeah, hearing something nice from your partner, that's not gonna flip a switch and immediately make you believe it, and that's okay. But you don't need to believe the compliment to be true about yourself. You don't need to see yourself in the same way that your partner sees you in order to accept the compliment. So you can just receive the compliment. So literally just say like, thank you to your partner. That's it. You don't need to say anything else. Just say thank you, or, I appreciate that.

And here's the thing also. So to the people who are wondering, like, okay, well, if they gave me a compliment, like, do I need to give one back? Like, compliments are. It's not like a compliment train. Or it's not like, okay, you give me one, now you have to give me one back. And then like, I have to give one back to you. Like, it's great for both people to give each other compliments in their own time. It's not like, it's not like okay, you've given me one. Now I have to. It's just. No, thank you. I appreciate it.

Yeah. It's not like I love you where there's this expectation of, like, you're supposed to say it back like, it's your turn. Come on. Like, you can say them at different times, but here's a very simple little phrase that you can say in the moment. Tell your partner, like, that's very kind of you to say. Or, you know, so it's like you are giving them a little bit of a compliment, but it's a simple thing. It's not like you're being put on the spot of, like, oh, Vanessa and Zander say, I have to get more detailed and specific with the compliments, and now I've got to figure out something. Just say, like, that's very kind of you, or you're a very, like, generous person. You know, something generic like that. But it can give you that feeling of reciprocity if you. You're really wanting to feel that in the moment.

Yeah. And then bonus points, if and when you start feeling a little more comfortable receiving and internalizing, you can switch. Instead of saying, like, that's very kind of you to say. You can start sharing some of the emotions, the positive emotions that might be coming up for you. Oh, that feels nice to hear. I feel. I'm. You know, I feel good about myself when I hear you say that. Like, those can start to be nice things to say once you start, you know, if you start having some positive, positive things coming up for yourself.

All right, well, that wraps up our episode on compliments. We hope that this episode has inspired you to allow yourself to receive those compliments, to be more thoughtful about giving compliments, and to just be more communicative with your partner about what you guys are each looking for when it comes to compliments in your relationship. We really do think, even if you're still listening this episode being like, I'm not sure. I'm just not a compliments person. Like, we really do think this is something that's worth exploring because they can be so powerful with very little time or effort. So give it a shot. Let us know what you think, and.

If you're feeling inspired by this, you want to take it to the next level. I also want to mention that we have our connection challenge that we highly recommend. So in this challenge, you're going to receive 30 days worth of prompts that will have you feeling more connected, inspired, and enlightened love than ever before. So some of these prompts are literally compliment prompts so that you can practice. Other ones are little couples activities, conversations that you can have. And, you know, even with those, an easy compliment that could come out of any of those was, hey, I really appreciate you taking the time to do this prompt with me, to have this discussion with me. I feel close with you when we talk about our relationship. So if you're wanting to find out more about that and join the challenge, go on over to Vlad. We'll also put a link down in the show notes. And with that, that is it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. I love it when you listen to our podcast. I feel really connected with all of you in the audience, and we love to serve and share our perspective on love and sex and relationship. So I just really appreciate. Appreciate you for listening. How was that for a compliment?

Wow. We should have started the episode like that.

Yeah. Why didn't we think of that?

Thank you so much for tuning in today. You're so great.

Yeah, you're incredible.

Your eyes are sparkling.

Yeah, your eyes are sparkling after listening to that episode. And your ears are. I was about to say your ears are ringing, but that's bad. There's no like, other. There's no other, like, ear. There's no ear compliment.

Your ears are. Are so cute.

Your ears are singing. That's weird. Anyway, all right, well, on that note, join us again next week when we talk about sex during pregnancy. Oh, yeah, sorry. Okay. You were looking at me. So cute.