Episode 113: Bump And Grind: Sex During Pregnancy

One partner is pregnant, the other is not. You cannot be a team in this. This is not like. It's not like you can say like, okay, I'm going to take the nausea, you take the constipation. I'll take the. You know, it's like you. You can't divide it up. It's just one person is having to shoulder everything. And as beautiful and magical as being pregnant can be like, it also is very chall. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.

And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Thanks to AG1 for supporting Pillow Talks. If you want to take ownership of your health, try AG1 and get a free one year supply of vitamin D and five free AG1 travel packs. With your first purchase, go to drinkag1.com pillow that's drinkag1.com pillow what to expect when you're expecting. Sex edition.

Ooh, yeah.

You like that?

I do. I've never heard that line before. What do you expect when you're expecting? Did you just make that up on the spot, babe?

Sure did.

Wow, you're so creative.

Creative genius over here. Today we are talking all about sex during pregnancy. So we've talked a fair amount about sex. Once you become parents, how that changes the challenges that can come up. We have a course all about how parents can rediscover the spark. But we haven't discussed on the podcast before pregnancy, sex. Sex while you are pregnant. Well, one of you is pregnant. Maybe both of you could be pregnant.

I mean, that could be possible. Yeah, absolutely possible. But first, Vanessa, I have a question for you. Since we have been. We have both been trying to practice our Spanish recently. It's just a little insight into. Into our life. Do you know how to say pregnant in Spanish?

Con bebe. I have no idea how to say pregnant in Spanish.

I'll give you a hint. It is a. It is a false cognate.

That's not a hint. That makes it harder.

Embarrassada.

Embarrassada.

Yes. It does not mean embarrassed. It means pregnant.

Oh, that's kind of rude.

I know. I'm curious. I'm curious what the etymology is of that.

Embarrassada. Okay. Sex when you're embarrassada.

Yeah.

That could really confuse some people. If we put that in the title. They're like, oh, this is a podcast about sexual shame.

Yeah.

So we turned to our Instagram audience. If you're not following us over there, we're at Vanessa and Xander, that Xander with an X. So we asked them, what challenges did you have or are currently having when it comes to pregnancy sex? And there were so many responses. This was a very, like, passionate topic for a lot of people. We haven't gotten this much feedback about our podcast research in a while, so there were a ton of responses, but they boiled down into four general categories, and we're going to go through all of them in this episode. So there's one category where we're lumping together a couple of different things, but, like, basically lack of enjoyment, discomfort, or pain. So it's kind of like on a spectrum. One end of the spectrum is just like, I'm not really enjoying this. This doesn't feel the way it used to. And on the other end of that spectrum is like, I'm not enjoying this to the point where I'm actually experiencing active pain. So we're going to talk about that category. The second category was being afraid to hurt the baby. This was typically a concern that we heard from male partners, but it was a big dynamic that came up in a lot of relationships. Then we have body image issues and low or changing sex drive. So in this episode, we're gonna dive into all four categories, give you tips about how to navigate each one of them, and help you have incredible sex during your pregnancy.

But before you have that incredible sex, let me read you our review of the week.

I love this one already. I just hit the little toggle to view it.

I wonder if I should let you read this one. Actually, I think. You know what? I think Vanessa has to read this one. My gift to you today, babe.

Vanessa kills this podcast. All caps.

Wow. Someone has been listening closely. That's great.

It gets weird. Vanessa and Xander have absolutely murdered my sex life.

Oh, boy.

And replaced the stagnant, postpartum bedroom with a spicy, delicious, full course course meal. There's a little lip smacking emoji. Tasty. Full course meal. Tasty. Truly. Vanessa and Xander are so relatable and down to earth. Many deep conversations with my husband have stemmed from this podcast. V and X are passionate about sex education and always have amazing sex tips for Everyone. And then there is a rainbow of heart emojis. Wow. Yeah. Okay, so somebody clearly paid attention because it was maybe a month or two months ago that we read a review that it was all about you. And I was, like, jokingly, you know, like, man, I guess I'm just chopped liver over here. And Xander was like, okay, somebody's gotta write a review just for Vanessa.

Yeah. And this person also obviously knows what specific compliment Vanessa really loves. And I know that we. I'm sure we've talked about this multiple times, but it's just. It's good listening because we. At this point, if you are listening, we've already released our compliment episode where we talked about compliments, but at this point in time, that episode is not yet out. So that person obviously hasn't listened to that episode. They've just, you know, picked this up from prior episodes that Vanessa loves a. You're killing it, babe. Compliment.

Thank you. This is. You get an A plus for this review. Like, stellar attention to detail. I appreciate being called individual.

You should see her face right now. It's glowing. It's legit glowing.

This delightful. Okay, well, I read the reviews, so now you have to do the. What should they do now?

Yeah. So if you are listening to this and you're like, oh, why are they reading aloud reviews? It is because we have a review of the week giveaway. Because reviews are so important to this podcast. It's how we grow. It's how new people find us and read reviews like this and go, oh, wow, this is a legit murder podcast.

Actually, that's not about. I mean, what those, like, true crime podcasts are like, they murder? Yeah. I mean, those are the most popular ones. So maybe if you write some that make it seem like this is a true crime podcast, we could bring the new options.

We hit them with the bait and switch. You thought it was about murder. It's about sex. Hey, I mean, that's pretty good. It's pretty good, you know, second option. Right? But anyway, no, I mean, that's how people find us and know that this is a legitimate podcast. Because let's be honest, I think sex is a topic where maybe we don't have very high expectations or we need some help. And I think it really helps to just see that, like, oh, wow, this podcast has really good reviews. They must know what they're talking about. I think that's so helpful, especially when it's brand new people coming in. Also, if you. If you want to help us and you've already submitted your Review. For review of the week, just hit that follow button or subscribe, depending on what podcast platform you're using. That also helps us so, so, so much more than you know. So what we do every week, if you write a review, we go through all the reviews and we pick one. And whoever we pick and read aloud on the podcast, you win. You win a choice of one of our masterclasses. So Write in to infomtherapy.com if you're the one who wrote this podcast and claim your prize. So, yeah, if you want to leave a review, I believe in Apple podcasts, you just go to the pillow talks, like the homepage for the podcast in Apple Podcasts. Scroll all the way down to the bottom and you'll see a section to leave a review.

All right, well, let's get into it then. So we have a couple of disclaimers at the top of the episode. First thing we want to say is this podcast is, of course, not meant to be medical advice. If you have anything that you are concerned about, any fears, any anxieties, any pain, any symptoms, like, please check with your doctor. And the second thing that we want to say is that everybody's experience with pregnancy is so unique. And I think that's what is one of the most challenging things about going into this season of life, is that you might have heard things from your friends. You know, like, oh, I had such a high sex drive my whole pregnancy, or the sex was incredible. My orgasms were better than they've ever been. But everybody is so unique. So we wanted to really, like, reset those expectations in this episode. Like, your experience is gonna be different from your friends if you have multiple children. Like, your different pregnancies might be wildly different experiences. So you're gonna hear a running theme, the episode about just, like, being open and curious to what is true for you right now. So we asked our Instagram audience, how would you describe your overall sex life during pregnancy when you compare it to pre pregnancy? So obviously, again, this is very complicated because different pregnancies may have been different. It might be a little bit hard to remember, like, the specific dynamics over such a long period of time, but we wanted just a general sense of, like, do people feel like it's better, it's worse? It's about the same. 44% said it was harder or worse when I was pregnant. That was the most popular answer by far, 22%. So only half, like 44 versus 22, said it was actually better when I was pregnant. And then we had the second most common response was 26% about the same. No huge differences.

We also asked partners of people who are pregnant, what was your experience throughout that pregnancy? And 48% thought that their sex life was harder or worse during pregnancy, 13% thought it was better during pregnancy and 31% of people said about the same. So in. Well, from the harder perspective, that is pretty well tracking, you know, between partner and pregnant person.

I mean, 44 versus 48, like more partner. It was harder for more partner.

Yeah, it was, it was harder for more partners. Fewer partners thought it was better.

Way fewer partners thought it was better. 13% versus 22%. Yeah, that's kind of wild.

Yeah. So I mean, I think all in all of these numbers, to me what, what my big takeaway from this is just highlights the importance of trying to temper expectations or try to remove all expectations going into pregnancy. I think it's so easy for us to create certain expectations in our head or stories of, oh, it's going to be better, it's going to be so good, I can't wait, or it's going to be, oh, it's going to be so hard, it's going to be so hard. And then you're expecting it to be hard and then it, you know, becomes this sort of self fulfilling prophecy. And it's like everyone does have such a different experience. I know for me, situations that I've gone into with very clear expectations of what is going to happen, I tend to be disappointed. And situations I go into where for whatever reason, you know, I don't have any expectations. Maybe because I, I just cannot picture at all like what something is going to be like or because I have really worked on trying to temper or remove my expectations altogether, I tend to, I tend to almost always have a better experience. So that's just, that's my, my, you know, very general piece of advice here.

I feel like my brain's spinning right now because I sort of want to do a different episode about that one idea. Like expectations with life. I'm going to just put a little pin on that one and we'll come back to it at some point.

Good. I mean, expectations are killer. I feel like expectations.

I don't know though. Like, I mean, my hope would be that couples could listen to this episode either before getting pregnant or maybe at the very early stages of pregnancy and just be aware of some of the dynamics that can happen. Like be prepared for some of the things that may come up, but also be very open and flexible to what comes up for, for them. So I do think you're right in saying, you know, if we go into it with these expectations that it's going to be amazing because my friend said she had a sky high sex drive and they were having sex constantly. Like, yeah, you might then feel like you got hit by a ton of bricks when you realize, like, you actually don't have any sex drive. And similarly, I do get what you're saying about, like, if you go into it thinking this is going to be the hardest, worst period of our relationship, we're going to struggle so much. Like, like, that doesn't feel good either. So it's like, can you listen to us go through these four categories? Kind of think through, like, oh, yeah, that might come up for me.

What?

Why? What might it be like for me if I experience X or if I experience Y, but also really try to hold off on making any judgments about it until you're actually in the experience itself.

Yeah, I think. I think the judgment part, like, that's what turns something from being maybe open to the possibility of or prepared for something to expecting something, where it's like, you can be prepared for all of these things. You could think through all these things and be like, okay, I'm open to the possibility that any of these things could happen. Where it starts to get problematic is if it's like, okay, I'm open to this possibility, and when it happens, it's going to be so good, I can't wait. And then it's like, at that point, you're kind of setting yourself up to very likely be disappointed.

All right, so let's go into those four categories. We're going to start with this general category of like sensations. Just feeling different all the way up to discomfort and pain. This was by far and away the most common answer that was sent into us on Instagram. So many people said they were just shocked by how different the same acts. Like, you're doing the same physical acts, but it just feels so different. And a lot of people said, like, I feel like I had to completely relearn my body and what it likes. Like, all the stuff that they used to like before just was not working for them. Feeling very different. And again, like, even different people could have different experiences over different pregnancies. So some people were like, oh, my first pregnancy, it was as it was normally. Second pregnancy, everything felt wildly different. But I think just opening yourself to the possibility that, like, sensations can feel different. So again, this is where our theme about flexibility and openness comes up. I think the best thing that you can do is approach pregnancy sex. Just being curious about what is this actually going to feel like in my body. So I want to say, like, it makes perfect sense to feel frustrated. A lot of people wrote in and they're like, it was so annoying. Like I had all these standby things that I knew worked for me and now it felt like I'm a virgin. Starting all over again at square one. One. I almost said zero. Square zero. It started all over again.

Square zero does not exist, babe.

Square one. So yeah, it makes perfect sense to feel frustrated. I would be wildly frustrated if nothing that I used to like, was working for me anymore. And can you try to tap into some curiosity and see, like, okay, my body is wanting different things right now. What is it that is going to feel good for my body?

But I think here's the thing is that this can actually be a huge reframe. Like there's a huge opportunity here. If you come into this thinking, yeah, you know what, maybe the stuff that I already know I like will be great, but maybe it won't. And if it, if it's not, if I'm starting over from scratch, then can this be kind of like a fun opportunity, almost like a new sexual awakening? Can we explore new things together? Can we find, maybe we'll even find something that works better. Because often when you kind of throw out all of your old ideas, you often find new things that could be even better. But I think the thing here is that again, this comes to the preparation or the openness of like, you need to be able to have this conversation with your partner of like, hey, don't know how this is going to go. This is a definite possibility. So if this does happen, like, hey, like let's, let's, you know, go wild trying some new things and see what happens. It could be really fun.

I also think like, this can be a great opportunity to reset your sex life if you haven't been enjoying your sex life that much. We hear from so many people who complain that the sex that they're having in their long term relationship just feels boring. It's predictable, it's routine. It's the exact same things in the exact same order every single time. It's rushed. It feels like it's more about their partner than it is for them. And so if that what your sex life is feeling like or even like, it doesn't have to be bad, maybe it's just like, yeah, it's fine. Like we do have these old reliable standbys. But like it's not. It's just not exciting to me. Like, this can be a great chance to reset your sex life and say, like, let's throw it all out the window and kind of start over again and see what feels exciting to us. I really think it's all about the mindset of how you approach it. Do you go into it thinking, like, fuck, this sucks, I'm starting all over again, or like, hey, we can kind of start all over again? And especially for women who have been faking orgasm and pleasure with their partners, we just did an episode recently about like, help, I've been faking and I don't know how to stop doing it. Pregnancy is the best opportunity to reset expectations. It is your golden ticket to get out of faking an orgasm. Like, you can tell your partner, like, yeah, the things that used to work for me are just not really working anymore. So we've got to kind of start over again and figure out what's going to work for us. So we will link a bunch of things for you in the show notes for this episode. I think our 30 day sex challenge can be incredible for like, trying new things, keeping it spicy, discovering what works and what you guys like. We also have our foreplay guides, which are really detailed and fun ways to bring each other pleasure with your hands and your mouths. And we also have our next level intercourse guide, which actually has 14 positions that are great for pregnancy. So any of those three, all of those three can be amazing additions to your sex life when you're pregnant.

Now, a couple more tips. 1. Use lube. This is a great reminder. We say use lube regardless of whether you're pregnant or not. And not like, not like, oh, just always use lube. But like, if you, if you want to use lube, there's no shame in using lube if you need to use lube partway through the whole time. Only at the end, like, have lube as an option. Use it. Use it liberally.

It can go such a long way in preventing discomfort and even pain. Like lubrication. It's your best friend at all times, but especially during pregnancy. Of course, do not push yourself to do something that's painful. If you experience discomfort, pain, like stop yourself. Don't push yourself to keep going. Like we said a few minutes ago, like, talk to your doctor if, if you're concerned, if you're experiencing any pain. Also, pelvic floor physical therapy, we are huge, huge fans of it. It should be required for every woman. So definitely seek out a pelvic floor physical Therapist, they can work wonders.

And then, final reminder, sex does not have to be intercourse. It doesn't always have to be intercourse. It sometimes doesn't have to be intercourse, or it never has to be intercourse. Depending on what you want, what your preferences are, what you're up for, and.

Yeah, body parts you're working with.

Yeah, absolutely. And there's so many different ways to orgasm that do not require penetration for either party, for any body part. That is absolutely true. And it can be fun even. Even if you want to just, like, take intercourse off the table for some amount of time and use that as an opportunity to get creative, oftentimes imposing limitations. I'm putting limitations in air quotes right now, because in reality, this isn't truly a limitation. But often when we take away possibilities and say, oh, okay, you know, I have one fewer thing to work with. Let's get creative with these. You know, with fewer things, often we find ourselves feeling more creative and maybe even enjoying ourselves more. So it can be really fun. You know, if intercourse is feeling problematic or troublesome or painful or whatever, just take it off the table and be like, okay, we can do anything else. And you might find yourself remembering all kinds of other things that you actually can do. I know Vanessa and I have at times imposed some limitations like this on ourselves, and it has been really fun where it's like, oh, okay, for the next two weeks, no intercourse. Let's see what else happens. It can be really fun.

And, yeah, those foreplay guides are perfect for this too. Let's get into our second topic, which is body image issues. This was the second most common one that came up for people responding to us on Instagram, and it makes perfect sense. Your body is changing so much in a relatively short period of time. It also feels like it's not your own anymore. I mean, you're literally growing another little fetus in there. You know, it's not just your body anymore. You may be preemptively worrying and feeling anxious about bouncing back. There's so much BS pressure on women to, like, immediately lose the weight, to, like, look like you were never pregnant to begin with. So some women even start feeling that anxiety, like, during pregnancy, because they know it's coming. So to be fair, some women did reach out and say, you know, I actually felt the sexiest I've ever felt. Like, I just felt really good being pregnant. I felt confident in my body. I felt proud of my body. That definitely did exist. But I would say the overwhelming majority of women said that they really struggled with feeling Attractive with feeling desirable. And you know, of course we have of a lot have a lot of really shitty pressure on us to be thin and toned and fit. And so for some women, pregnancy felt like this was the time, like the one time in my life where I had an excuse to not fit into that. Like, oh yeah, you're pregnant. Okay, yeah, sure, you had to gain weight. But other women felt like, you know, I've had this pressure on me my entire life to be thin that like, even though I'm pregnant, like, I still don't feel comfortable with like the amount of weight that I've been gaining. So it just can be a real mind fuss. So one of the tips that we want to give you is to think about your body in terms of body neutrality. So I think we've been hearing a lot more on, you know, social media about body positivity, like loving your body, whatever size, shape it's at. And like that of course is amazing. And I think body neutrality is something that can be really beneficial for a lot of people. Even if you're not pregnant really for anybody, you don't have to love your body. Sometimes, like all these body positivity messages can feel like a very high bar. You're like, if I'm really struggling with my body, getting to a place of like, loving it unconditionally can feel like a far journey to have to take. So if that's you, you might find it more helpful to think about being neutral about your body. So it's not all about loving your body. You know, it's amazing and incredible that maybe it's like statements like I'm pregnant and this is what my body looks like. It's just a neutrality about it. It another tip is to try focusing on sensation during sex. And this is another tip that can be great for people who aren't pregnant either. Oh yeah, of course. It's very natural for us to worry about our body during sex. I mean, like I was saying, we have all this shitty socialization we've received about our bodies. We can't just turn that off the second that we have sex and then it turns right back on the second that we're done. Like you're going to continue thinking thoughts about like, what does my body look like? And do I have a little weird belly roll in this angle? And my partner think that one of the ways that you can combat that is really focusing on the sensations that you're feeling in your body. And that is what we were talking about in the last tip is like, trying to be more open and more curious about what your body is experiencing so you can kind of do these two things at the same time.

It's so interesting just to hear you read that and describe what focusing on sensation during sex is as opposed to what else you might be focusing on. Because we've talked about this in. In previous episodes, I think, like, you asked me, like, what's my experience personally, but also sort of like, what. What is the male experience during sex in terms of, like, am I looking at your body for flaws, or am I thinking about my body and any flaws? And my answer has always been, like, what. What are you talking about? Like, I'm having sex. And I mean, this really describes it so well that it's like, you know, I. I have been. I think most men tend to just be very focused on the sensation, and it's like, that just kind of overwhelms, like, the possibility for thinking about much else. So I think that's a great tip to focus on in pregnancy or outside of pregnancy. Maybe something to aspire to, you know, for the rest of your sex life. Like, that's. That's why we do the sex. It's for the sensation. That's why we do the sex. I'm doing the borax. Um, no, but that. That's why we have sex. I mean, obviously we have sex for procreation, but outside of sex just for procreation, we have sex for pleasure. And even if you're having sex for procreation, we still recommend having sex for pleasure. Because if you push yourself to only have sex that you don't really want to have or isn't enjoyable for procreation, you are going to find that you don't actually want to have that sex outside of procreation either. And so it's kind of of a lose, lose.

Anyway, before we go any further, let's tell you a little bit more about AG1. When they reached out to us to be a podcast sponsor, they sent over a huge supply for both of us to try. We are very picky about what companies we will take on as podcast sponsors, and we always insist on trying things out. They were just, like, happy for us to try things out beforehand anyways, though. And so both Xander and I got into the routine of taking AG1 first thing in the morning, and it's been helping us feel like we're starting the day off in the best possible way, like doing something that's very quick and easy, but can have a really great impact on our bodies. Like just starting the day off right. Every scoop of AG1 is packed with 75 vitamins, minerals, probiotics and whole food sourced ingredients of high quality that give you major benefits like gut and mood support, boosted energy and even healthier looking skin, hair and nails. And this makes it very convenient and a great bang for your buck because this one scoop replaces so many other things that you might take for your health like a daily multivitamin, minerals, pre and probiotics for gut health, adaptogens, a greens blend. Like you get all of those things in one scoop. You can also get it set up to be delivered to you every month. So it's just a no brainer. Like it's there for you, you take it every day. It's super easy to do. We both think it tastes pretty great, like it's just very easy to drink. It's not. You know, I know a lot of people have issues like taking pills, especially big ones. So you know, this is just like a nice, convenient, very easy way to get all of that in. I also personally I love these single serving travel packs. We bring them with us when we travel and it makes it so convenient to just get that boost while we're on the go, not have to like lug around a bunch of stuff that's gonna be difficult to travel with. So if you wanna take ownership of your health, try AG1 and get a free one year supply of vitamin D and five free AG1 travel packs. With your first purchase, go to drinkag1.com pillow that's drinkag1.com pillow we wanna take a quick break from our podcast to tell you a little bit about another podcast that we think you will love and that Liz Moody's Healthier Together podcast. If you've ever wanted to know the secrets to longevity, hormone balancing tips, gut health hacks, how to be happier at work, make friends as an adult, take control of your finances and more. You can find it all at Liz Moody's Healthier Together podcast. It's all about learning these actionable tips that you can implement to start transforming your life today and breaking down what's true and what's not true in the confusing world of health and wellness. This I recommend, starting with our episode called how to Create youe Dream Sex Life, have more orgasms, give amazing oral and more. That was from February of 2023. We shared all of our best communication tips after we recorded that episode. We had so much fun with Liz. We like genuinely became friends in real life like from this podcast interview. We love Liz So much. Her podcast is one of the few podcasts that I personally listen to, like, every week. I really think you're gonna love it. It, like Pillow Talks Healthier Together is all about getting the most out of life and feeling empowered with the tools to do just that. So search for Healthier Together on your favorite podcast app and hit that follow button again. That is Healthier Together to start living your best life today.

All right, so we also got a couple other tips from our community about body image and how to approach this. So one person recommended trying different kinds of lingerie to help you feel a little less exposed but still sexy. I mean, there's a whole range of things out there. Just because you used to wear something or used to like, something before you got pregnant, you've not locked yourself into, like, only wearing that type of thing. Like, you got to decide what looks good on you, and you get to try a whole. A whole different number of things during pregnancy. So somebody else recommended reminding yourself before every time you have sex, especially if you're worried about maybe what your partner is thinking about your body, just think this to yourself. My partner wanted this baby. They love this body, even when it's growing. Another person just recommended be kind to yourself. This is a season. Accept that this is how it is at this moment, but it won't be like this forever. And finally, another person said they preferred sex in the dark. Whenever their bump got really big. It helped this person feel less distracted.

Now we have to talk about a dynamic that came up kind of frequently in these responses, and it was really disheartening for us to see this. There were a lot of pregnant women who reached out to us to say that their male partner was telling her that he didn't find her attractive during pregnancy.

Oh, yeah.

And we think, like, we actually kind of started brainstorming a whole episode about, like, how honest is too honest in relationships. I think sometimes people have this idea that, like, we should be honest with each other about everything. And I think this is a key example of something that you should shut the fuck up about. It is extremely cruel and fcked up to tell your partner that you're not attracted to them while they are growing your child. Like, I don't care what's coming up for you. You should not share that with your partner. Like, there's nothing they can do about it. They're doing this thing that you both want, but they're the only ones who can do it with their body. They have no choice about this. Like, like to tell them that you're not attracted to them is just like, it's so inappropriate and it's so cruel.

It's like. Yeah, it's like the rubbing salt in the wound. Yeah. Like, why? There's no need to do that.

So I hope that we can just catch this in advance like any men listening to this. It does not matter what comes up for you during the pregnancy. Do not tell her you're not attracted to her.

And if you're finding yourself, like, if you are finding yourself having an internal struggle with this, like, I'm like, we're not saying, like, you are a bad person for having a struggle with this. Perhaps this is a great opportunity for you to, you know, take responsibility for that. Maybe seek out a therapist, someone that you can talk to, to work through this. Because. Yeah, because it's not helpful for us to be like, this cannot happen ever. Like, you are allowed to have whatever comes up for you come up. The important thing is that you find somebody else to process that with.

Yeah. And I think a therapist is a good recommendation for this because I think that the reasons that this might happen for a man, there's probably. It's likely one of two things. One is that it's your own internalization of the bullshit socialization that we women have been given about our bodies, where you're like, oh, she's gaining weight. And, like, I'm only attracted to her when she's thin. Like that. We all get this shitty socialization, and it can, like, creep into our psyches even if we don't, like, believe it or don't want that to be true. So it could be that. It could also be this third thing that we're about to get into right now. Feeling afraid of hurting the baby. Like, you're just seeing her now as like, oh, she's this delicate thing of, like, we've got to protect her and take care of her and can't do anything to hurt the baby. So that might be affecting your attraction. But bottom line, you gotta go to therapy. Don't tell her about it. And let's move into the third category here, which is feeling afraid of hurting the baby.

So this is a fear that comes up a lot, and a lot of the time it is a male partner. I think the reason why this often does not come up for the person who is pregnant is because they are pregnant, they are taking a bit more responsibility of understanding anatomically what is going on, having a better understanding of, like, the physical changes and whatnot, and. And understand. Oh, like, yeah, you Know, a penis inside of me or anything penetrating me is not actually going to be able to hurt the baby. So quick anatomy lesson just to make sure this is super clear. The penis and, you know, anything going inside the vagina.

Yeah, it could be a toy.

Yeah, it could be anything. It is not going anywhere near the uterus, which is where the baby is. So to all the dudes out there, your penis is nowhere near big enough to hurt the baby.

And even the biggest sex toy is not going to be big enough to hurt the baby. It is physically impossible for, like, a penis or a penis shaped toy to come into contact with the fetus. The vaginal canal is capped off by the cervix. Things are not getting past the cervix. It is designed to protect the uterus, to keep the fetus safe. So you are not going to harm the fetus.

All right, so here's an example of how ridiculous this is. This would be like, if Vanessa asked me for a back massage and I was like, oh, you know what? Like, I don't. I don't do back massages because I'm worried that I might damage your lungs. And like, okay, yeah, the lungs are, like, kind of in the vicinity of where part of your back is. But the reality is, is there's like, like a whole, like, there's bones, there's tissue, there's all kinds of things that are meant to protect and completely separate the lungs from your back. So, like, it doesn't matter what kind of massage I give her. I am not damaging her lungs. So it's like, okay, yeah, they're, they're close by, but no, like, they're protected. Like, the cervix is protecting the uterus, the rib cage, your skin, your muscle is protecting your lungs. So, like, it's not gonna happen.

You know, I think we might even need to dial it back a step and do even more of a basic anatomy refresher. So when you're having penetration, you are going into the vaginal canal. The vaginal canal, like I said a moment ago, is capped off by the cervix, which is very tight. Like, you really cannot penetrate it with anything, you know, of any sort of, like, significant girth to it.

Oh. Especially if you have as large of a penis as you claiming, thinking that.

You can get it. Never, ever, ever go up a cervix, ever. And then the fetus is growing in the uterus, which is above the cervix. So I think sometimes people think like, oh, but I'm putting my penis in you. And, like, that's how I got you pregnant. There's sort of this belief that you're putting your penis then into where the fetus is growing. That's not true. Like, penetration is not happening in the same place that the fetus is growing and developing.

So.

So just to make sure we're super, super clear about that, and if your partner just can't wrap their head around that, it can be really helpful to talk to your doctor about it or encourage them.

Encourage them to talk to the doctor about it. Like, don't put any more mental load on the person who's already pregnant.

No, no, for sure. Like, they can ask the question at the next appointment, but sometimes it's like just hearing it from a doctor can be very relieving. And of course, the tip that we gave earlier about sex doesn't have to be penetration. Like, if your partner is dealing with some intense anxieties or fears, which again, again, are something that they could deal with in therapy. But if that is really getting in their way, like, there are other ways for the two of you to have sex too.

Yeah, I mean, I think that's just like, you know, talking to a doctor, like. Like we were recommending talking to a therapist about other anxieties. It's just. It's so important, you know, especially just talk to the guys out there. Like, if you are noticing that things are coming up for you throughout this pregnancy, if you're finding yourself, you're not really sure why, but you, like, really don't want to have sex for some reason or you're struggling with attraction or whatever, it's very likely that it is a whole number of other things that are coming up, a whole lot of other anxieties that are manifesting in this certain way. Because, let's be honest, most of us don't have a lot of. A lot of experience expressing or synthesizing our own emotions very well. And so when we aren't able to do that is very often that they come out in other ways. And that's where, you know, a professional therapist can help you understand what is really going on. They have dealt with things like this hundreds and hundreds of times. They know what they're doing. This is a very common issue to come up. And so, you know, your partner is already going through so much in being pregnant. They're already doing something that you will never be able to fully understand, even if they tell you, like, narrate every minute of. Of their day to you. And so I just. I just really feel strongly, like. Like, the least that you can do as a partner is to take responsibility, take some load off of your partner, and deal with anything that's coming up for you. Like, that's going to set you up so much better to be a dad. And it's also going to. I think that's going to be so attractive to your partner if they see that you are taking care of yourself, that you are doing what you need to do to be able to show up better as a husband and as a date dad.

You know, this is a little bit of a tangent, but I think that dynamic that you're talking about can also be something that comes up a lot during pregnancy is just like the discrepancies in your experiences. Like, one partner is pregnant, the other is not. You cannot be a team in this. This is not like. It's not like you can say, like, okay, I'm gonna take the nausea. You take the constipation. I'll take the. You know, it's like you. You can't divide it up. It's just one person is having to shoulder everything. And as beautiful and magical as being pregnant can be, like, it also is very challenging. And, like, if I were to imagine myself being pregnant, I could really imagine feeling resentful towards you about, like, you know, I'm doing this for us. I'm the one, you know, we both wanted to have a kid. I'm the one who's having to house it and grow it in my body. And, like, you don't have to do any of this. You don't have to deal with all the challenges and the pain and the frustration and all the. That stuff.

Even if you try to take care of it in advance by being like, okay, well, it's going to be like this, this, this, and this for me. And therefore, you know, like, I need you to take care of all these things. You know, even if you try to somehow make it as equal as possible, you never. You still don't know what the actual experience will end up being. Like, certain things might be way more challenging than you expected them to be. So it's like it just. Just. Yeah, it's like trying to create, like, delineate responsibilities and set this expectation of, okay, we're cool. Like, we're good. Like, we are somehow both even in this. Like, you just don't know how it's gonna go.

And you just. You. But you physically can't separate things. Like, sure, I could say to you, like, okay, well, I'm pregnant. So you have to get me snacks whenever I want. But, like, that's not gonna be the same as, like. But I'm throwing up every. You know, it's like, you can't separate that. So I just think, like, if that's something that couples can sort of prepare themselves for and know, like, that's normal. It's normal to feel frustrated that you're the one, you know, doing all this physical and emotional and hormonal work around it. And, like. And for that resentment or that frustration to seep into your sex life, like, I can absolutely see it coming up in a number of different ways. Okay. But let's get off the tangent and back to our fourth and final category that came up for people, and this was low and changing sex drive. Hormones can be all over the place during pregnancy. They are all over the place.

They can be like, oh, so you're saying they could just not ever fluctuate?

They are all over the place. And to be clear, like, hormones are not the only thing that affect libido, but hormones can play a very large role in libido during pregnancy because they are fluctuating so wildly.

Yeah. I think during pregnancy, they're fluctuating far more wildly than they would ever be fluctuating outside of pregnancy. Right.

Yeah. And on top of the hormones, there are a ton of other things that can also affect sex drive. So nausea, body aches, exhaustion, hypersensitivity to smells or taste. A lot of women in particular mentioned this thing with smell.

This would come up for you.

Oh, my God, a thousand percent. This would come up for me.

Taste and smell. You'd be like, oh, you smell horrible. Get away from me.

Yeah. A lot of people say, you know, like, I used to love my partner's smell before I got pregnant, but, like, once I was pregnant, their smell disgusted me. And, like, can you imagine trying to have sex with somebody when, like, the odor. And, like, a lot of women said my sense of smell got so much stronger? Like, smells smelled more, you know, so, like, that can be wildly distracting and can, of course, like, get in the way of you feeling desire and also that resentment that I was just talking about a moment ago, like, that can affect desire too. So. So there are just a lot of dynamics that can get in the way of you even feeling the desire for sex in the first place. So it is very normal to have fluctuations in your sex drive throughout pregnancy. You might experience more desire than you ever have before. You might experience less desire than you ever have before. You can have super high drive one day super low. Then next day. Everyone is so unique. Just because your friend says, I was the horniest I've ever been, that does not mean you are going to feel the same way. So you really just need to be prepared for desire being all over the place, like, really fluctuating. And so really the advice is to just be in the moment with that. So if there are times that you're feeling, like, interested, go for it. And this could be actually a great opportunity for you to reframe the way that you approach sex. So actually, our art of initiation course could be great for this if you'd like. Never really initiated before, but now you are feeling so much desire, getting confident initiating and saying, like, I'm ready. I want to do this right now. So we can link that in the show notes for you as well. But yeah, just in general, allowing yourself to listen to what your body is feeling open to and excited about.

It can also be a great opportunity to start playing around with scheduling sex. Like, if you know, know that intimacy is important to you and you know that, you know, it may not happen the way that it did before deciding in advance that you want to have some sort of scheduling component around, it could be super valuable. Whether that is scheduling intercourse, whether that's scheduling some baseline level of other intimacy. We go over all of that in our master class. Bring your sex life back to life and really show you how to do this, this in a fun and exciting way. And because there are a lot of. There are a lot of people that schedule sex in ways that are not very fun and not very exciting. And. And you know, and a lot of people joke around about schedule scheduling. Sex is the butt of a lot of jokes. It is the butt of jokes when it is done in all of these bad ways. Nobody ever makes fun of scheduling sex in the way that we recommend doing it. So definitely check out that masterclass if you want to little support and how to set that up.

Yeah. And it's also not just about saying like, oh, well, I owe my partner sex. So we have to schedule it on these certain days to make sure I follow through. Like, scheduling sex the way that we do it is actually a way to increase desire. So just wanted to toss that out there. Let's bring this on home with a couple funny stories about sex and pregnancy.

We always like to laugh a little bit.

Yeah. We asked our Instagram audience for, like, tell us what's, like, the funniest or wildest thing that happened to you. What, while you were pregnant. One woman wrote my Milk came in during sex and my boobs started spraying like a fire hose at him. It was horrifying, yet hilarious at the same time.

Wow.

So just a little science note for you here. The same hormone that is responsible for milk letdown is also released when you orgasm. That hormone is oxytocin. So it's very easy for your body to confuse the two. So this is a very frequent occurrence. Sometimes it's just a little bit of leakage, sometimes it's a full on, like, spray fire hose type of thing. But be prepared for wool breast milk.

I could get into that.

Oh, interesting. Really?

Sure, why not?

Okay, so I'm learning new things about you through this podcast.

I just said I could be into it. I mean, I don't know, like we've been talking about. There's really no way for me to actually know.

I do think it's, like, good to at least hear you saying I could be into that because I think a lot of women feel very self conscious about this and, like, so worried about it. So. Yeah. Maybe the possibility that your partner could actually enjoy this.

Yeah, well, I mean, another. Another example of why it's good to just to talk about these things openly. Be open to the possibility of them in advance rather than being, like, surprised in the moment when something's happening and. And you're immediately going to like, oh, my God, how embarrassing. Versus, like, oh, yeah, we talked about this a couple of months ago and, like, we thought that actually could be a reasonably fun possibility. And now it's happening. All right, our next one was went to the doctor and they did an exam. The doctor said he wanted to culture some discharge, and it turned out to become classic. Whoops.

That's hilarious. We were having shower sex, bent over, and I threw up. We actually got variations of this story so many times. So maybe another little tip is when.

You don't bend over too much.

Don't bend over too much. But at least the shower makes for easy cleanup.

The next one is, he made me laugh, so I farted. Ended up laughing more, and it resulted in me peeing all over the bed. Wow. Adding insult to injury, I mean, I.

Think that, you know, sometimes there can be a real cascade effect that comes into play.

True.

And our last one friend asked if I found out about the sex. I said yes, it's been crazy amazing. She meant the baby's sex.

Hey, great. You know what? You just. You just took your friendship to the next level.

I hope this was a good friend, not just like your neighbor or something.

Yeah.

All right. Well, we are going to link a bunch of the things that we mentioned in the show notes for you. Check out our show notes. We actually they're the unsung heroes of the episode. We do show notes for every episode, giving you a little summary of what's included. We do timestamps. So if you're ever listening on your own and you want your partner to listen to a certain part, you can go right back to that part. But we will put the links for the 30 day sex challenge, our foreplay guys, next level, intercourse with those pregnancy positions, the art of initiation and the scheduled sex course. Bring your sex life back to life.

All right. And that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we dive into part two of can we come back from this.