Episode 118: The Foreplay Episode: The 5 Things We’re All Getting Wrong

I personally think like, you could have the best technique in the world, but if your partner can tell you are not wanting to be doing that in that moment, like, it's not going to be a good experience. I don't care what technique you're using. And I think also, like, you could have so, so technique. Mediocre technique, but a really good attitude.

Absolutely.

And give your partner a phenomenal experience.

Oh, hell yeah.

Hello and welcome to the Pill Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Thanks to Dipsea for supporting Pillow Talks. Dipsy Stories is your passport to a world of sun kissed adventures and unforgettable encounters. This summer, get an extended 30 day free trial when you go to dipseastories.com pillow why does foreplay not get the respect that it deserves? That is a question that I'm kicking around in the back of my head. Because I think, like, if you really think about it, we say a lot of crappy things about foreplay. Like, we feel like it's kind of unnecessary. It's not needed. It feels like an inconvenience sometimes.

Yeah, it's like lesser than. Like, oh, you got a hand job. That's it.

Yeah. I think like, when we're talking about male female couples, there's this idea that like, you get excited about rounding the bases at first. And I think, especially when you're younger, you know, I got to first base last night. Like, we went to second base. Like, there's this excitement about it. But then once you start having intercourse, it's like those activities somehow become lesser than.

Yeah. Or like almost like childish. Like, oh, that's what I used to do. Now I do sex. Now I do intercourse.

Well, I mean, that's. There you go. Even one of the reasons, like, we use the word sex and intercourse interchangeably even though not every couple has intercourse, or it's not everybody's favorite activity. But like, we really prioritize intercourse more than any other activity. And that's very unfortunate because foreplay is actually one of the best ways to bring your partner pleasure.

Foreplay is the best way that is.

I think you said that in a podcast episode. You, like, came up with that in the moment maybe a couple months ago. Yeah, well, we always play is the best way.

I mean, we always. We always say we don't love the term foreplay. We would prefer to call it something else, but we've always struggled to figure out what else can. Can we call it that people will understand, you know, but that doesn't give it this implication that, like, oh, it only happens before it's less than or whatever. But, you know, screw it. Maybe we should just start saying, are you having best way?

Best way.

Let's do some best way. That kind of sounds like Amway or something. Yeah, it sounds like mail order stuff. Yeah. No, maybe that's not going to work.

Yeah, I don't know. I'm not going to get turned on by best way. Oh, baby, give me some best way.

Oh, yeah, you do it the best way.

I have heard it called core play before and, like, that's okay. But it does also sound more like an exercise.

It also sounds like chore play, which is something else as well. It's like too many plays.

Yeah, we need some other word for it.

Yeah, no for and no play in it.

Maybe start from scratch.

Yeah, let's start from scratch.

I guess we should. But yeah, I mean, we're huge fans of foreplay. We think it just gets cool. Criminally overlooked or underlooked. Underlooked. I have for sure made that mistake on the podcast before, too. Under.

That's interesting. Actually, I'm. I'm not sure you can overlook something and you can underlook.

Wait, no, it's overlooked.

I think it is overlooked. Yes. Shoot. You got me. Finally. We are 118 episodes in, and Vanessa finally has got me on one of these.

Oh, my God. Wow. Overlooked. Yeah, I think people just do, like.

Yeah, you look over something, so you don't look under something. I mean, unless you're. Unless you're trying to do some foreplay and look under that. That skirt or something.

Oh, my God, that was so really bad. This is a bad intro. This is strange.

Is this one where. We sure hope this isn't your first episode listening?

I guess so. So let's go back to foreplay. Foreplay. I really want people to give it the respect that it deserves because there's so many incredible things about it for most people. Like they're going to have their fastest, their best, their most powerful orgasms from foreplay. Foreplay is a great way to shake things up in the bedroom. To like, keep it spicy, keep you guys on your toes. Try something a little bit different. It's incredibly intimate for a lot of people. Like, foreplay feels more intimate than intercourse and it's just like so much fun to explore with your partner. So today's episode is all about the things that we are getting wrong about foreplay, the ways that we are overlooking it and just not giving it the respect it deserves and depriving ourselves of the pleasure, enjoyment and connection that we all could be having.

But first, we have to do our review of the week. So I'm a therapist and I endorse the hell out of this. Five stars. This podcast is fantastic. Full of great information and entertaining too. Even if you have a great sex life. There are some excellent conversation starters here. Mostly though, I love the work these two are doing to combat shame about sex. I highly recommend it to my clients and now I'm recommending it here. Hell yeah.

Thank you so much, my fellow therapist. We love getting reviews like this. Really, it helps the podcast grow so much. The more reviews a podcast has, the more legit it looks, the more places like Spotify and Apple are likely to feature the episode. So it's just so important to us. And that's why we do do this giveaway every week is our way of saying thank you for leaving a review. So what you do is go to the Apple Podcasts page for pillow talks. Scroll to the bottom, you'll find the review section there. Leave us a quick little review and if you hear your review read on the podcast, then email us@infomtherapy.com let us know the username that you left the review with and you will get to pick from one of our masterclasses to get absolutely for free. Just our little way of saying thank you so much for helping this podcast grow and serve new people and more couples. Okay, so let's get into the foreplay conversation and first we just want to give a little bit of a disclaimer that we're going to be speaking a bit more to male, female couples in this episode. Like, we try to make all of our content as inclusive as possible. That's one of our core company values. But let's be real. Same sex couples tend to have a much healthier view of foreplay.

They sure do.

Much healthier views.

They sure do. We could learn a thing or two about that.

Oh, absolutely. And that's because, you know, a lot of same sex couples don't have any sort of penetration, like, you know, any sort of intercourse, like penetration in their sex life. Some do, which is awesome, but a lot don't. And so sometimes when we ask questions about foreplay on Instagram, we'll get responses from our queer community members saying things like, well, we don't look at this as foreplay. Like the things that we do before we move on, like, this is what we do.

Yeah, it's, it's just sex and just sex. And I think, yeah, very often, you know, outside of male female relationships, you know, before you have sex with someone, it is much more common to just have a straight up conversation where it's like, hey, what does sex look like for you? What do you love? Like, what do you like? What do you dislike? What do you prefer? Rather than there just being this like, no talking and just assumption that, okay, yeah, we're going for intercourse and that's going to do it for both of us. Instead it's like, hey, what do you like? Like, I want to make you feel good. I want you to make me feel good. So let's like give each other the information that we need to make that happen and then they do it and everyone is really happy. So I think that very often, you know, people in, you know, non male female relationships often have a lot better sex because they're getting the things that they really like. And you know, and it's also, it's a big turn on to see the person that you are having sex with really enjoying themselves. And it's a big turn on for them to see you enjoying yourself. It's kind of this like, win, win, win situation.

Yeah. And research backs this up too. We'll get a little bit more into this later in the episode, but research shows that same sex couples have more orgasms, report more pleasure, more overall satisfaction than male female couples. And one other thing that we want to mention before we fully get into these top five things that we are getting wrong about foreplay is that our number one guide in our entire business is our ultimate foreplay guide.

That's why we know this is such an important topic. You know, the people have spoken, you know, with, with their wallets. This is the thing that sells far and away the most in our business and that has, you know, given people, I think the biggest transformations like the, the, the reviews that we get from people and the consistency with which we get those same type of reviews. Like, it is, it is incredible. I, I mean, I feel so proud of what we do because of the DMs and the emails that we get from people about these foreplay. Guides.

So we just wanted to quickly mention the foreplay guides to you because we are focusing on them in the month of August. If you sign up for them between the 18th and 27th August, you are going to get some amazing, amazing bonuses, like absolutely. For free. I have been on a freaking foreplay tear over the last few weeks.

Sounds dangerous. Not giving or I'm not sure you were really selling it before that. How pleasurable things can be. And I don't know, my pleasure just went down a little.

That does sound awful with the topic. I was going to say, sadly not with giving or receiving, just like studying it. We've been asking our Instagram community so many questions about it. It actually all started on an Ask us Anything Sunday. Somebody mentioned that they really struggle to receive foreplay and we ended up doing all these stories about it, doing polls, and just getting so much feedback from our community saying, like, we just feel like, like I want to be having more of this. I want to be enjoying it more. So we have just been going down a foreplay guides rabbit hole. So we decided is that going deep?

Yeah, we deep in that foreplay hole. Yeah.

So we decided. I was like, you know, we have so much more information and feedback from our community, so why don't we focus on these foreplay guides and let's do something really special. So we are literally creating these brand new bonuses like as I am. I mean, I'm not making them right now. I'm just sitting here doing the podcast.

Sure you're not typing, but right before.

Right before we sat down to record, I was working on one because I'm just like lit on up right now and stuff is pouring out of me when I hear your questions, I'm like, oh my God, I have a tool for that. I have a resource for that. So we're putting together a bunch of fun stuff and you can get all of that for free. So we'll tell you about a couple of other things throughout the episode. We're not making the whole episode about this, but we'll just let you know a couple of things that are applicable. Okay, so let's get into it. The number one thing that we are all getting wrong about foreplay is that we're treating it like this unnecessary extra. And so I talked about this a little bit just a minute ago. Like at the beginning of a sexual relationship, there's this excitement about doing all these different things with each other. And like, there's just that sense of first, like, oh, your first kiss with somebody, the first time you guys touched each other, the first time you went down on each other, there's this excitement about all of these activities. But then once we start having intercourse, like, that becomes the focus. And what I've really noticed as a sex therapist is that as couples progress in a relationship, like, the more time goes on, the narrower their definition of sex becomes. To the point where it's like 30 seconds of maybe some like half assed kissing, maybe a quick little fondle, and then they're going on to the intercourse.

We've been there. We were there for sure.

Yeah. We have gone through this exact same dynamic. And whenever I share this with people, they. It's like it kind of catches them by surprise. They're like, oh, my God. Yeah, that is exactly what my sex life looks like.

How do you know? Have you been watching?

I'm like, no wonder it's not feeling exciting. No wonder I'm not craving it, because it's so predictable. It's so narrow. Like, as you're listening to this, just take a second to think, like, script out what sex looks like between you and your partner. I bet that you could write out, like, exactly, step by step, what it looks like. And so when you have that, it just starts to feel very predictable, very routine and just unexciting. All this emphasis on intercourse, on, like, getting to the intercourse as quickly as we can, it's not actually serving any of us.

And so when all this emphasis is on getting to the intercourse, like, of course the foreplay feels like this extra thing, like, oh, like, oh, why do I have to do? Like, I just. I just want to get to the intercourse. Like, do I really need to do this thing that I used to do? Maybe before we were having intercourse, but now that we're having intercourse, like, who needs it?

And I think there's also this added pressure that a lot of us feel of, like, intercourse should be enough. Like, we should just be satisfied and turned on and pleased just by the intercourse. And so there can be this dynamic that comes up where we start to feel needy or complicated or too much if we want foreplay or if we want more foreplay. So we actually polled our Instagram community about this and, Xander, why don't you tell us what the results were?

Yeah, well, 67% of women, two thirds, said that they do feel needy for wanting foreplay.

That's wild.

Yeah.

So two in every three women.

Yep.

Feels needy for wanting foreplay.

Yeah. You want to guess what the number was for men?

I mean, it's sitting right in front.

Of me, but I'm speaking rhetorically to the audience. I mean. Yeah. What. What do you think it is for men? 33%. One in three men feel needy for. For wanting or, you know, needy or complicated for wanting foreplay. So double the women as men feel.

This way, but still a pretty significant number for men, too. Like, yeah, Yeah. I think that we, you know, we, obviously, men and women face different pressures when it comes to sex, and a lot of men feel this pressure that they should just be automatically ready and good to go. Like, hard, the. At the drop of a hat. I don't know what that would even mean. Like, hard right away.

Drop your hat, get hard.

Drop your hat and get hard. Drop your hat, drop your pants and get hard. But, you know, so there are a lot of men out there. Like, one in three. That's not, not insignificant.

Oh, I've. I've been in that group for before. I've definitely been in that group, like, in the, in the course of our marriage. Like, there have been there, you know, there was a time where, yeah. Like, I didn't feel comfortable asking. Like, it kind of felt like. It kind of felt like, okay, well, if, if you were just gonna give me a blowjob to completion, then, sure, that's fine. That's like, a different thing. But, like, if to ask for foreplay when, like, we're trying to have intercourse just felt like, oh, like, that, that's too much. She's not going to want to give it to me. She know she what? You know, oh, like, I'm gonna take too long to get hard or, like, oh, like, she must be tired, you know, I, I. It was just. Yeah, it's so hard for me, you know, I felt like, God, like, I just want to be hard and, like, get to the intercourse. And, you know, I ended up closing myself off from the possibility of having such a better time in our sex life, you know, because the reality is we both, like, making each other feel good. And I just, like, had it in my head that, like, you didn't really like it that much or that I didn't. I shouldn't really need it. It was just all these stories, and.

We'Ll get actually more into that.

I won't tell the whole story. Okay, let's keep going.

So here's what we want you to understand. If you're listening to this and realizing, like, ooh, yeah, I've kind of fallen into that trap of treating foreplay as this unnecessary extra foreplay is not a nice to have kind of thing. Foreplay is essential, and this is true for people of all genders. But I want to take a couple of moments just to talk a little bit about how essential foreplay is for CIS women, in particular for us vulva owners. So what we need to understand is that for a vulva, clitoral stimulation is the key to experiencing pleasure and orgasm. The clitoris is the biological equivalent of the penis. And nobody is shocked when a man wants penile stimulation to reach orgasm. Right. It's like, oh, yeah, no, that's how it works. And yet we treat the clitoris as if it's this weird, complicated, mysterious, difficult thing. Some similar vibes with foreplay. It's like, oh, why do we have to do all of that? Why do we have to touch that thing? But it is the equivalent of the penis. So imagine treating a man in this way of saying, like, ooh, why do you need your penis touched? To have a good. Like, that's too much. That's unnecessary.

Yeah, I just want to rub your balls a little.

I mean, that's the comparison that I make all the time. It's like, from a nerve ending standpoint, intercourse for a woman is like playing with a man's balls. Like, it might feel good, it could be enjoyable, it could feel connecting.

It's only going to get you partway there.

For the vast majority of people, it is not anywhere near enough stimulation to lead to orgasm. So, yeah, the issue with intercourse for us women is that it doesn't create a ton of clitoral stimulation on its own because you're not really in the same area. Like, you're putting the penis into the vagina. The clitoris is. It's close, but it's not the vagina. So we're getting stimulation of a part of our body that isn't actually wired to feel a ton of pleasure. And the place that is the most sensitive part of our body is very often getting neglected. So it should come as no surprise that 91% of women say that they prefer a different activity over intercourse.

Yeah, I mean, I was, I was just thinking about this as you were describing all this, and like, yeah, it's just. It's so unfair. Like, I think women especially have really been cheated in the way that we tend to look at sex in our society, where it's like, you know, as, you know, as we are starting to become more sexual, it's like, okay, yeah, we start going, working our way through these foreplay activities typically, and then, you know, but we place all this pressure on, like, Losing your virginity, having intercourse. Or it's like, oh, I'm gonna wait. I'm gonna wait until I'm in a serious relationship. I'm gonna wait until I'm married. I'm gonna wait until I'm this old or whatever. And, you know, very often I feel like what is, you know, tends to be fairly common is it's like, okay, well, like, I'm gonna wait until XYZ to do the intercourse. And, you know, in that, you know, in the meantime, like, I'm gonna be doing these foreplay things. And, like, you know, so we start doing those things, and we're actually doing the things that tend to be the most pleasurable for us. And then at some point, we add intercourse in. And then all of a sudden, it's like we've moved away from doing the things that really work and are doing this thing that can be nice for a vulva owner but is not, like, not nearly as good as what you were doing before. And, like, I can just imagine how challenging that is where it's like, you've built. Everyone builds it up as, like, oh, yeah, intercourse is the be all, end all. And then you're like, wait, I'm doing this? And it's, like, not as good as the other stuff I know that we were doing before and somehow. But, like, asking to go back to that stuff is like. Is like, oh, well, that. That's extra. It's. That's lesser than. And it's just like, God, that. That's such a tough spot to be in. Like, I just wish as a society, we could talk about sex differently and not, like, you know, have intercourse, like, on this pedestal. It's like. It's like, man, like, oral sex and manual sex for, you know, for women is like, definitely should be higher than intercourse. Like, that's, like, the thing that's gonna do it for you.

Yeah, exactly. Like, that's why we are making this episode, so we can talk more openly about foreplay, help people realize, like, the misconceptions we have about it, and that the way we are about approaching it is really hurting all of us. So foreplay is not an unnecessary extra. It is essential. It should be a much more prominent part of everybody's sex life. And we shouldn't feel like anything is wrong with us for needing it more often. And us women in particular should not feel needy or complicated or asking too much for wanting the activities that are most important, stimulating for our bodies. So let's go to number two. The number two thing that we Are all getting wrong about foreplay. We are only doing it at the beginning of sex. So like we talked about earlier, for most couples, what foreplay looks like is like 30 to 60 seconds of groping and fumbling before you're then trying to get it in.

Yeah. It's like, okay, let's get the penis hard. Let's get the vulva wet, Then we're good to move on.

Yeah. We're treating it as, like, a means to an end. Like, the foreplay itself is not enjoyable. It's just serving a purpose. Like, oh, okay, gotta get him hard or gotta get her wet. That type of thing. And, you know, like we mentioned already, like, even that word foreplay leads into this belief, too. Like, foreplay, the things you do before you move into having the real sex. And the problem, of course, with treating foreplay like this is that it. It makes it feel perfunctory and not at all pleasurable. Like, if you're doing it just to serve a purpose, not for pleasure and connection and enjoyment, like, it's not gonna be fun experience.

Yeah. And of course, like, that whole vibe makes it really hard to kind of settle in and actually enjoy it. That, you know, I know, for me, when we looked at it that way in our relationship, instead of me actually enjoying, you know, you touching me or, you know, you going down on me, I would be thinking, all right, am I hard? Am I hard enough yet? Am I hard enough yet? Oh, why? Why is it not happening? Like, why is it not immediate? Like, oh, this is, you know. Oh, I wonder if she's thinking I'm taking too long instead of just sitting back and enjoying it. And I remember sometimes, like, you know, I. I would be like, oh, like, you know, I. This isn't. It's not going as fast as I want it to. And you'd be like, babe, it's been like, 30 seconds.

Yeah, that's one of the most important things. I'm so glad you brought that up. Like. Like, so many of us struggle with this feeling of taking too much time, and we're kind of, like, spoiling each of our points as we go.

Oh, God.

They're all kind of interrelated. We're going to talk about this one next. But we are notoriously bad at predicting time. Like, if you ask a human, tell me when you think a minute has gone by, and they're not allowed to look at a clock or a stopwatch or anything like that, Most people say it's been a minute. I think it's like, 15 to 23 seconds. Like, it's very fast. So this dynamic can creep in in a lot of different ways. Like, if you're on the receiving end of foreplay, like Xander was just saying, like, you might get in your head thinking, like, oh, my partner's not liking this. I've got to hurry it up. Why am I not reacting quickly enough? You could also notice if your partner is the one in those vibes. Like, if you can tell your partner's just like, ugh, I don't want to be doing this, but he's not hard. I got to get him hard. Like, of course that's not going to be enjoyable for you. And then if you're the one giving the foreplay and you think, like, okay, my only task is, like, get them hard as quickly as I can. Like, you're going to approach it in a way that doesn't feel fun for you.

Yeah, you might be doing it a little, like, faster and more frantically rather than, like, let's draw this out. Let's make it enjoyable. I think, like, yeah, if you were to actually plot the curve of, like, enjoyable foreplay, it's, like, probably, like, slow and teasing at first and, like, building, like, you know, a slow crescendo rather than this, like, fast and furious.

Yeah.

Type of thing.

It just ruins the vibes all around. Like, you don't get to enjoy receiving it. It feels like your partner doesn't really care. You don't get to enjoy giving it as well. It just ruins everything. And there's even this other issue that gets wrapped up into it, too. So, Xander, I'm going to turn this over to you to ask it. So this is a question that we get asked all the time. Like, why is he losing his erection when he's going down on me? Like, he must not like it. Or sometimes people will just say, like, oh, well, we just don't do foreplay at all or for very long because he loses his erection. So what's the deal with erections and giving foreplay? Should we be expecting that dudes are just hard all the time?

All right, so first I'll answer that question, and then I'll talk a little bit more about just what this feeling or vibe is overall. Well, the simple answer is no. Like, if you. If you, as a penis owner, if you. If you get hard and then you start, you know, giving foreplay to your partner, if you are not being stimulated, like, you are not going to maintain that erection for very long. In general, like, once you get hard, like, you need constant Stimulation in order to, to stay hard. It's, I mean, you know, similarly like for a vulva owner, if you, you know, like if you get that vulva close to having an orgasm and then you stop giving it stimulation for five minutes and then you start again. It's not like it's, it's not like you're gonna have an orgasm in five seconds. Like, you don't start from, you know, where you left off.

Like, you know, yeah, your arousal starts.

Yeah, your arousal starts to decrease. And so, so first of all, I just want to say it is totally normal that if you had a hard, if you were hard and you start going down on someone without receiving any other stimulation, you are not going to stay hard for very long. Now the issue is that most people look at that and go, oh, well, that's unacceptable.

Well, I think the fear that comes up for a lot of women is, oh, he's not enjoying it because he's not hard. Yeah, he doesn't think it's a turn on.

Yeah, yeah, for sure. So I think it's important to kind of draw a distinction between like, you know, you can be turned on and, but not like rock hard. Like I think that that's sort of the key. Like you are going to be rock hard if you are turned on and being stimulated.

Like, you can also not even some of the times. Yeah, still might not be, but.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, I think that is the best recipe.

Yes.

For, for that. But I think the reality is that, yeah, like, you know, foreplay is a generally one sided thing. Like one partner is giving a lot of stimulation to the other partner. Now that can be a huge turn on for both partners. Like it's a turn on for me when I see Vanessa enjoying herself, but I'm still not being like super stimulated. And so, you know, it is like very rare that I have like a raging boner if I'm going down on Vanessa for very long.

And even sometimes like the position of it, I mean, one of the classic positions that men go down on women is like the guys on his stomach. It's like you're, you know, it's kind of hard to like get hard and stay super hard if you're like pressed into the bed. So the bottom line is that as women, we should not be self conscious about our partner not enjoying it if he doesn't have an erection.

Yeah. And then I think, you know, to all the guys out there, all the, all the penis owners that, you know, feel stressed out about the this, I just want to say, I used to get super stressed out about this. I used to feel like I had one shot to get hard once it was hard. Like, that was. That was the only chance I had to have intercourse, which was the only chance I had to make you feel pleased with the sexual interaction. And so, you know, if. When we were getting started having sex, like, you know, if you were. If you were to ask me to go down on you and I was already hard, I would be really hesitant to do that. Or I would do it for, like, 10 seconds and be like, no, like, I'm hard. Like, let's do this. But what I want to say is that you are giving foreplay. Your partner can also give foreplay to you. So, you know, why don't, you know, please your partner enjoy going down on them? And then, you know, once you are done with that, you can ask your partner to go down on you and get you hard. And, you know, it's. I think that, you know, we can get really in our heads about, like, oh, well, like, I lost an erection. And it's harder to get an erection after I've already lost it. Here's the thing. It is harder to get an erection after you've already lost an erection if all you are thinking about in your head is, oh, my God, I lost an erection. I lost an erection. If instead in your head, you're like, hey, I was super turned on because I was being stimulated. Now I'm not being stimulated. So, yeah, it's not super hard anymore. Oh, okay. So I'm gonna ask my partner to go down on me, and I'm gonna enjoy this because I just went down on partner and they enjoyed themselves. So I'm gonna get, you know, a turn to enjoy myself fired up over here. I think if that's your perspective on it, then all of a sudden you're, like, relaxed. You're enjoying yourself rather than being in your head, like, oh, God, this is so embarrassing. I lost my erection. That was my one chance to please her. I. I just think it's like, you just need to do that mental reframe. And it's hard. Of course it's hard, because we've been socialized to think that that's not how it goes. So I think it just takes a lot of practice. Like. Like, just try to relax. Try to relax and enjoy receiving and see how that goes.

Okay. Thank you for that little moment of Xander's boner coaching.

Wow.

Let's continue with more of what you need to know.

I don't know About. I don't know how I like that, Xander. Boner coach. God.

Regular dude and certified boner coach.

Oh, God. You know what? In, like, a weird, cynical way, I could. I could see that, like, absolutely killing on Instagram.

You want to start your own account?

Yeah. Like, boner Coach. Like, yeah, if you just want to shamelessly get into the boner coaching business, I bet that could work. I bet there's something there.

Hold on. And then you could call. You know how, like, how big accounts have, like, names for their community or their followers. Boner Bros. Oh, yeah. Bone Bros. Boner Bros. Okay, so if you. If you are only doing foreplay at the beginning of sex, here's what we want you to do instead. Truly treat foreplay as its own unique experience. Give it the respect that it deserves. Like, it's not this quick. Means to an end. Like, it is. It's the journey, man. Like, it's enjoyable in and of itself, and it can bring you so, so, so much more pleasure than it might currently be bringing you. Of course, like, have a good attitude with foreplay. That's one of the things that we share in our foreplay guides. Like, attitude is everything when it comes to foreplay. I personally think, like, you could have the best technique in the world, but if your partner can tell you are not wanting to be doing that in that moment, like, it's not gonna be a good experience. I don't care what technique you're using. And I think also, like, you could have, like, so. So technique. Mediocre technique, but a really good attitude.

Absolutely.

And give your partner a fit. Phenomenal experience.

Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah. So attitude is everything. Have a good attitude. Like, truly, if your partner can tell that you are enjoying yourself, like, that's gonna make the experience so much better for both of you. Before we go any further, let's tell you a little bit more about Dipsea. Dipsea is an app full of hundreds of short, sexy audio stories designed by women for women. So I know right now the smutty romance novel is really having its moment, but Dipsea is a very fun alternative reading. It's an audio app, like I just said, so the stories are read out loud to you. So if you're not really a reader, but you've been curious to see how some sexy stories might get you revved up, get your sex drive kicked into high gear, or if you're just curious to see what this whole oral erotica thing is all about, I'm really excited to share Dipsea with you. I have known about this app for many, many years. Like back when I was starting my private practice, I learned about it from a client who had found it and she was just shocked by how much of an impact listening to sexy stories had on her. Just turned her on, got her excited and it was just like a fun, enjoyable experience. So Dipsea brings scenarios to life with immersive soundscapes and realistic characters. They have stories about a wide range of things like second chance romances, adventurous vacation flings, hot and heavy hookups like you can really find, and all the way from like mild to wild. There's a story for everybody. And as a company who is very value centric, I really love Dipsea's values. They are radically inclusive stories for straight and for Queer listeners. And 56% of stories are voice acted by people of color. New content is released every week. So in between listening to your favorite stories again and again, you can also find something new to explore. And they have recently expanded into sleep stories, wellness sessions, and also sexy written stories. If you're just like, I just want to read it, I just got to read it. But I do recommend just at least listening to one story because it is a very unique experience that can really get you going. For listeners of the show, Dipsy is offering an extended 30 day free trial. When you go to dipseastories.com pillow that's 30 days of full access for free. When you go to D I P s e a stories.com pillow dipseastories.com pillow.

Okay, so we've been, you know, so this, this whole category was you, you shouldn't only be doing it at the beginning of sex. So what do you actually do? I mean, I think there's two options. The first is that sometimes sex can just be foreplay activities. But if you do want to be having intercourse, I think so many of us limit ourselves thinking, oh, once we start the intercourse, we can't do foreplay anymore. But the reality is you can take a break, you can switch back. I think some people get in their heads about bodily fluids. Bodily fluids are bodily fluids. Like, it's part of sex. Like, if, you know, if you can get into the headspace of like, hey, this is fun and sexy. It is so great to just take a break, do some oral, do some manual, switch it up. It can be a great thing. Especially for penis owners out there that have a little anxiety about how fast they come. It can be a great way to get really excited having intercourse. Get yourself right to the edge, stop, go down on your partner, do some foreplay, get, you know, give that, give your penis a little break. I, that can really do wonders. That can really kind of like flip a switch and really up level your entire sexual experience. I think so that I, I always encourage people to do that. It's not a, it's not a one way street, like, oh, once we've passed that, there's no going back stock.

Let's move on to number three. You're not letting your partner give it to you. So we started talking about this a little bit like the struggles with receiving that so many of us have. We pulled this on Instagram and 56% of women, so more than half of women say that they struggle to receive foreplay. We also polled men and only 20% of men said that they did. So this is another example of like the differences between men and women are huge. 56 to 20%. But still 20% is not insignificant.

Yeah, one in five. That's still, you know, a lot of men felt, yeah, like if you've had five partners, one of them has felt this way.

So we asked on Instagram, like, why does it feel challenging for you to receive? Like what's getting in your way? And some of the most common beliefs that came up were, I think my partner doesn't enjoy it. I worry that I take too long or take too much effort.

We talked about that already and I'm.

Solving self conscious about my body or my genitals. That is one that comes up in particular for, I mean all these come up more for women than for men, but like especially the self consciousness about our bodies.

We've also had so many men who tell us that they have been with women who have refused to let them or encourage them not to perform oral or not to perform very much oral that now they feel like, oh well, I'm not really even going to try. I've had so many experiences of trying to give and be, you know, have been pushed away or told. Like I don't really want that, that now they feel like, oh well, like I'm, I'm doing my partner, like I'm doing women a favor by, by not offering, by not going down on them. And you know, I, I've definitely had this experience too, like, you know, in, in my own past of like, you know, of like, oh, like you do it for like 20 seconds or something and then it's like, all right, like come back here. And so yeah, you kind of take away that. It's like, like, you know, oh, like most people like don't really want you to spend very much time doing this. And that just reinforces that idea of, oh, yeah, well, I guess intercourse must really be the thing that everyone is trying to get to. And it's like, you know, it's like we're playing with half a deck of cards. Like, you know, like, our partners are trying to move us along because they're not feeling very comfortable with it. What we take away from it is, oh, yeah, okay. Intercourse must really be the, you know, just like everyone says, I guess I'd better move along. I guess I'd better stop doing this or really reduce the amount that I do it or the amount of time that I do it for.

And, I mean, this can even have happened in your own relationship too. Like, maybe at the beginning of the relationship, your partner was trying to go down on you a lot, and you kept saying no or only letting them do it for 10 seconds.

Yeah, I think that's super.

Stop trying.

That's super common at the beginning of a new relationship where it's like. Like, you know, like, you're trying to really click. And so I think, you know, in a male, female, new relationship, it can, you know, really be, like, for the guy, he's like, hell, yeah, I want to give. Like, let's do this. And she's like, oh, like, I really want us to click. I don't want to seem complicated. I don't want to, like, make him have to do that. Like, let's just move it along to intercourse because that's, like, that's what we're supposed to be doing anyway. And so it's like, you're. You both have these really, like, I don't know, good intentions, I guess, like, wanting it to click. Like, sure, that's a good intention. It's often. But, you know, doing it by, like, sacrificing what it is that you actually want, that's not the right way to do it. Yeah. You know, so it's like, you know, your partner had a good intention. You had a good intention of, like, wanting to be giving, and then the message you receive is, oh, okay, maybe. Maybe I shouldn't do that.

And yeah, I mean, it's a prime example of why, you know, a lack of communication about sex can lead to. To so many misunderstandings. Like, your partner might be over there thinking, like, yeah, this is what my partner wants. Like, to not even offer. It just stresses them out when I offer. And you're over here thinking, like, God, my partner, like, really doesn't ever want to give to Me. So now I'm going to feel self conscious about receiving. It just turns into this huge mess.

Yeah. And I feel like you've had so many clients, you know, back in your one on one practice where it'd be like, you know, you, multiple years in, you got to this impasse and there's like all this resentment built up like, oh, like, how come he never goes down on me? And then you start getting into the history of it and it's like, oh, there's actually a really clear reason why this happens is sort of this dynamic that both of you, you know, inadvertently created and then created all these stories about that built and built over the years. And now it feels like this big heavy thing when in reality, like you both kind of played a part from the very beginning.

So here's what we want you to know. Your partner wants to give you foreplay. Like your partner wants you to feel pleasure and we want you to feel good. They enjoy making you feel good and you deserve to receive. So the foreplay guides themselves do make receiving a lot easier because we teach you the most efficient and sexiest strategies for getting each other off and for being comfortable and enjoying yourself along the way. And this is the first of the brand new bonuses that we are adding like literally right now to the foreplay guide is a bonus all about getting comfortable receiving.

Because this is gonna be a real struggle.

Oh yeah. I mean that was the original inspiration here. Like there were so many women messaging me, sharing with me all the different ways that it feels hard for them to receive. And I just like started popping off like I wanna do, you know, let me give them this tool and this resource and all that. So it's an entire bonus just about getting comfortable receiving, allowing yourself to take in that pleasure. So one tip that I wanted to share here is that sex is not about giving each other exactly equal amounts of time or effort.

I think a lot of us get in our heads about this exactly of like, oh, well, you know, when I give my partner a blowjob, he only takes a couple minutes to come and then, you know, and then he's going down on me. And I have the stopwatch in my head of like, okay, well it took him three minutes before he had an orgasm. And now I'm like, okay, it's two minutes in and like, like I'm just Getting started up 2:30, like, oh, we're getting close to the cutoff. Hmm, I'm not sure I'm there yet. Okay, three minutes. Oh God.

This is, I like the Play by play here.

Yeah, the play. No, I'm trying to, you know, make it a little more realistic.

Yeah, this is. This is the thing that makes women feel like we're too much. It's like, oh, well, he's easy. He's so fast. Like, so I'm only allowed to take up exactly as much time that he does as well.

Let me let you in on a little secret, ladies. The reason why he's so fast is because. Because he has trained himself from the time he started masturbating as a teenager, most likely to be very fast. So it is not like he is easy, is that he has fine tuned his body to be very fast. And that's his. He did that, not you.

Well, that's also a whole separate episode of, like, things that we're doing wrong about masturbation.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's a big one. So he's not thrilled about how quickly he takes. But anyways. Yeah. Like, what I was saying originally is sex is not about like that. We are only allowed to have exactly equal amounts of time or effort. So the comparison that came up for me is like. Like, let's say I tell Xander, like, hey, babe, I'm gonna cook dinner for you tonight. And then he comes into the kitchen and I just put this like half done meal in front of him and I tell him, like, well, you know, you cooked dinner last night and it only took you 30 minutes. So I only took 30 minutes. This time. It's like, no, no, that's not the point. Like, the point is to give each other this experience. The experience of having dinner made for you, not the experience of like, exactly 30 minutes. So the next time that you find yourself in the moment feeling self conscious about how much time you're taking up, just imagine this dinner example. Laugh at the idea of like your partner serving you up this like, half cooked pasta. Or like they leave all the vegetables on the stovetop and you don't actually get anything on your plate. Like, that's not the point.

Yeah. If you offer to make dinner for someone, it's like, hey, I want to make you dinner. And you choose the thing that you want to make. And it takes as long as it takes. Like, it's. You want to give something.

And the other thing I want to say about struggling to receive is that if you struggle to receive in the bedroom, chances are that you also struggle to receive in other areas of your life. So by tackling this like, like once you get comfortable receiving in the bedroom, you are going to feel Comfortable receiving in every other area of your life. And that can make a massive impact. I mean, we talk a lot about how, you know, how we show up in the world affects how we show up during sex, and vice versa. Like, sex isn't this compartmentalized thing that happens in a vacuum. Like, these dynamics come up all over the place. So imagine how different your sex and your life could be if you got comfortable receiving. Okay, let's move into the number four thing that we are all getting wrong about foreplay. You are not giving your partner any feedback.

Ooh, Zing.

So we have talked before about what we call the fucking fairy tale, which is like the fairy tale version of sex that we see on tv, in the movies and in porn. And. And in that fucking fairy tale, like, literally think back to every sex scene you see on TV and in the movies. Like, you never see people giving each other feedback, like, saying what they want or asking for something or even simple things. Like, could you go a little bit harder or a little bit to the left? Like, so it gives us this idea that if we're really compatible or if we're really great in bed, then we should just magically know how to please each other without any communication or feedback whatsoever.

Yeah. I mean, at best, all you ever see is like a, oh, was it good for you? And the answer is always yes.

Yeah. And you're. Yeah, I know, right?

So, yeah. So then it's like what you get in your head is, oh, okay. Well, the answer is supposed to be yes. So if anybody asks me was it good for me, I have to say yes. And therefore I can't give any feedback or possibly ask for anything else because now I've showed my partner that, well, whatever they just did, that was great for me.

Yeah. So as we've been having these conversations on Instagram over the last few weeks, like, we have gotten so many DMs from people complaining about their partner's technique. Like, things like, I hate how slobbery he gets during oral. She uses way too little pressure, and he's not even on my clit. And we were asking people, like, okay, have you told your partner this? Does your partner know this? And, like, nobody was sharing this feedback. And I just think that's so unfortunate, like, to be in the moment just not enjoying the experience, but also not willing to guide your partner to share. Like, obviously you're not going to say, hey, you really suck at that. Like, that's not the only way to give feedback. And of course, that's not anything that we would ever recommend people do, but, like, just to be not enjoying an experience and not saying anything, like, it just. Just sucks.

Yeah. I mean, and then also to be like, oh, like, my partner sucks. And like, not being able to take any responsibility for, like, for your part in the situation, too, of, like, I'm not saying how. How would I expect my partner to get any better without having any knowledge that what they're doing isn't the right thing?

And I think we've probably all had experiences of being on the other end of that where you're, like, trying so hard to pleasure your partner, but you're not sure if they're liking it or they're just not giving you anything in return. Like, demoralizing. It really sucks. So here's what you need to know. The fucking fairy tale has lied to you. All those sex scenes you've seen on TV and in the movies are completely unrealistic. And it really is each of our responsibilities to share feedback with our partner. If you want to have a pleasurable experience with your partner, you need to be willing to tell your partner and talk to your partner, you know, through having that enjoyable experience. Like, your partner cannot be expected to be a mind reader inside or outside of the bedroom.

And in our foreplay guides, we know how hard it is look like, let's just be real. It is challenging. It feels scary. It's anxiety provoking to think about, like, oh, now I have to give some feedback. Now I have to say something. So we designed the foreplay guides with feedback in mind, and we really try to. To build the feedback process into the guides themselves. And that's because we show you a bunch of different techniques, and then we talk about how to give each other feedback about those techniques. We talk about, you know, ways that you can vary a given technique. So it's like, hey, like, what? What? Do you like this way? Do you like that way? Do you like this technique? Do you like that technique?

Yeah. I think the really important distinction here is that as you work your way through the foreplay guides, you are actually giving feedback about the guides, not about your partner.

I think this is. This is so powerful because it's so hard for us to separate the two. And it's like, you know, it's like, oh, hey, I don't love it when you, you know, I don't know, do this pressure. And it's like you're not actually telling the person, hey, you suck at this. But that's so often what we hear. The reality is it's like, hey, it's about the pressure. It's not about you.

So you're getting all these new techniques to experiment with, and this process for how you experiment with them and explore them. And so you're giving that feedback about that process. So it really, like, takes away so much of the vulnerability of the feedback. You're not having to worry about, like, your partner's feelings being hurt or your partner thinking they're doing this magical, secret technique on you that you actually really don't like. It's like you're just talking about the guide. So it just makes the whole process so much easier. I mean, I remember even when you and I were creating these guides and, like, experimenting with so many different techniques, like, I felt this freedom to share feedback with you in a way that I maybe never have before. And, like, I feel pretty confident giving you feedback. And, like, you know, we've worked so hard on our communication, but, like, just being able to talk about the guides and, like, separate, you know, what you're doing from the guides themselves, it just. Yeah, it opens something up for me, and I know that it can do that for other people, too.

Do also, if you are in the situation where you're just not enjoying what your partner does, like, the four play guides are going to teach you a ton of different new techniques. So I promise you, within all of the various techniques that we have for each thing, like, there are going to be some things that you like. And all you need to do is say, hey, this one, I love it.

And also, I just want to quickly mention this is another area where we're creating a new bonus for it as well. Because. Because giving great feedback, like, it does require some amount of knowledge about your own body first, like, understanding, like, what feels good to me and what does good even feel like in my body. So there is another bonus all about how to orgasm from foreplay. So this is going to be especially powerful for women. And again, just a bonus that's only going to be available during this brief time period of the 18th to the 27th. All right, and let's bring it on home with the number five thing that you are getting wrong about foreplay, which is that you are not enjoying it. Foreplay has the potential to create so much pleasure, but most of us just are not enjoying it as much as we could be. So whether you're somebody who just straight up does not like it, maybe you don't feel comfortable giving it, maybe you don't like what your partner does. So receiving it doesn't feel Very enjoyable. Or maybe you're somebody who, like, it's not awful, but it's not, like, feeling very exciting anymore. Maybe it started to feel very routine, very predictable. Like, we can all be enjoying foreplay so much more. Even if you are somebody that doesn't have any complaints, like, there are still new ways to enjoy foreplay even more. So this was another thing that we pulled over on Instagram and we actually asked it in this way. We said, do you feel like foreplay is boring or awkward or even just, like, feels kind of forced? And 62% of women said that it does, and 33% of men do. We also ask, like, what are the reasons why you're not enjoying it? And we've covered so many of those already in this episode. Stuff like, you know, feeling like my partner doesn't actually like giving it to me, so it's not fun for me to receive. Feeling like it's just something that we do very quickly as this means to an end, before we move on. This discomfort with receiving, with just not allowing ourselves to, like, take in pleasure, you know, so many different things, so many different reasons can feed into it. But again, the bottom line is so many of us are just not having as much fun with foreplay as we could be having.

So if you're not having as much fun as you would like to or as you think you might be able to with foreplay, I think this is what you really need to know. The first thing is the fucking fairy tale. It did it again. It lied to you. Like foreplay. It isn't this perfect or effortless thing. I know how attractive that idea can be that, like, oh, like, my partner's just gonna do it and know exactly how I want it. I'm never gonna need to say anything. It's just gonna be easy peasy, effortless. But the reality is that it's not like, foreplay is something that. That we have to learn. We have to learn the techniques, and we have to learn which of those techniques are actually super enjoyable for our partner. Because there is no such thing as being universally good and bad. I think that we want to be good in bed. We really want to, like, just know how to please anybody. But the reality is it's not just about technique. It's about the technique combined with that communication. What does your body enjoy? You know, like, each time you start over with a new, new person, it doesn't matter what technique you already think you're really good at. You know, the technique is important. But what's more Important is, is this new person going to enjoy, you know, which techniques are they going to enjoy? So it's just all about thinking, you know, looking at it from this, like, learning mindset. Like, the learning is never over. Each time you're with someone new, it's about figuring out which techniques they enjoy. And, you know, in your current relationship, it's like, hey, what are some new techniques we can learn? Learn? What are places that we could get better at technique or better at communication or better at just figuring out what's going to bring us each the most pleasure?

Okay, so I want to offer a tip here to, like, make this feel a little bit more practical. Because of course, like, when we start talking about, like, oh, yeah, just what do you like? That question can feel very overwhelming. So if you've ever been asked that question in the moment, like, what do you want? Like, you've probably had the experience of feeling a little bit like deer in the headlights. Like, I. I don't know, like, what are my options? I don't know what to say. So we do not suggest using that question with your partner. Like, just don't ask them, what do you want? Or what do you like? It's too big of a question. So instead, we have a little technique that we call the compare and share, which is that you try out two different techniques and then ask your partner to tell you which one they liked better. So this is a technique that you have to talk about ahead of time. You can't just really spring it on your partner in the moment because it might be a bit confusing. I mean, you can try, but we would suggest talking about it beforehand and saying, yeah, let's try that out and see how that goes. So try one thing for a minute, then try the second thing for a minute and ask your partner, which one did you like better? So this works really well for a couple of reasons. As the receiver, it just makes. Makes the decision so much more clear. Like, you're not having to tell your partner, here's exactly what I need or exactly what I want. Here's this itemized list of exactly how to pleasure me. It's like you're just picking from one of two options, which generally feels pretty straightforward. And then as the giver, like, you're getting really valuable information about what your partner likes. And you can, like, keep using this technique to hone in on what seems to work the best for their body. Of course, if you want to learn more, we have our ultimate foreplay guides, which are just the absolute best way to Learn how to give your partner the best foreplay they have ever had. So, again, if you sign up for the guides between the 18th and the 27th, you are going to get so many incredible bonuses for free just during that time period. Like, I'm just so lit up about this topic right now. I've been having so much fun and just feeling so creative, like, hearing all of the roadblocks that are getting in the way of you experiencing more pleasure and connection from foreplay. So I've just. I mean, by the time this episode comes out, these things will have been created, but we're recording ahead of time, and I'm just, like, full on going at this topic, like, coming up with all this incredible new stuff. So. So, honestly, we will probably take a little step back after the 27th and reevaluate. Like, this stuff is so valuable. Is this going to be a separate package that we sell or we're going to increase the price of the foreplay guides? We're definitely going to do that. So make sure to just check out this bundle now while you can and get all this stuff. Yes, get all this stuff for free so you can go straight to vmtherapy.com and just to, like, wrap it up here, like, just to be transparent with you guys, like, obviously we sell courses and guides like, we're a business. We need to support ourselves and our team. But we really look at selling our courses and guides as a way of us being able to continue making so much free content. Like, here on the podcast, our email list, our Instagram account. Like, it's really important to us to share these free resources that we think we all deserve. So regardless of whether or not you purchase the foreplay guides, because you are never expected to purchase anything from us, we are happy to have you here as part of our podcast crew. But even if you don't buy those guides, like, we really hope that this episode has helped shift your mindset about foreplay, to help you recognize, like, it's not this extra thing. You're not being needy for wanting it. It's not this thing that we do for 30 seconds before we move on to the main app. Like, you do deserve to experience pleasure and to receive. Your partner wants to give you that experience. Like, there are just so many valuable mindset shifts here that, you know, we really hope that you can internalize and use to, like, start changing your relationship with foreplay so that you can start having more fun, more pleasure, more connection, and more exploration.

All right, well, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talk. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about jealousy, AKA that feeling you might have if you miss your opportunity to get the foreplay guides between the 18th and the 27th, then you might feel a little jealous of all those people that did. So just a little food for thought. If you find yourself buying foreplay guides in that window, hell yeah. If you find yourself feeling a little jealous because you didn't. We got an episode for you coming next week. Sam.