Episode 125: Am I The Asshole?

Yeah. I think that very often when we are feeling upset about something, we like to try to test our partner to see will they without being prompted or without me having to share this emotion to pick up on it and like preemptively or proactively apologize for it. And it's kind of setting up a test that when we set up these tests, almost always our partner is going to fail. We're going to have an expectation that's not going to be met and eventually it's going to turn into resentment and kind of sounds like that's what's going on in this situation.

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. We'd like to thank Cozy Earth for supporting our podcast. Cozy Earth provided an exclusive offer for our Pillow Talks listeners today. Get up to 35% off site wide when you use code PILLOW TALKS@COZYEARTH.COM thanks to Green Chef, the number one meal kit for eating clean. For their support of our podcast, go to greenchef.com Six60pillow and use code 60pillow. That's 60p I l l o w to get 60 off plus free shipping. In today's episode, we are answering the big question, am I a bigger asshole or is Xander a bigger asshole?

Wow. And we have. We have. Yeah. And you know what? We turned to our trusty Instagram audience. We pulled this. And 98% of people said that Xander is perfect, perfect, wonderful man. He definitely not an asshole. So it must be Vanessa.

Wow. You know, I'm actually scared to put a poll like that up because I bet you're right that it would probably people would think I'm more of the asshole. I will say I'm more of an asshole in, like, small, daily ways. And you're more of an asshole in big, less frequent, but much bigger ways. We'll say that that's.

That's probably somewhat accurate.

I think it's very accurate.

Did you like how I, I used. You know, I, I made it sound like I was doing the episode the way you usually do. Like, we turned to our Instagram Audience and polled them. Yes. Yeah, I saw what you were doing there. But to be really clear, we did not poll anybody about that. Just because I. I know, Hey, I know there will be some people who DM and they're like, oh my God, how could you do that poll? We didn't do that poll. That was a joke.

But you should.

But the rest of this on Instagram.

At Vanessa and Xander to know.

Actually did. You should. You should. Because maybe. Maybe we did, but we didn't. We didn't. But yeah, so that was fake. The rest of this episode is very real though.

This is the most chaotic intro that we've had.

It is, yeah. Hope you hope this isn't your first time, but hope this isn't your first episode. That's not a classic one. Welcome to our weird podcast.

We have to explain because I'm sure a lot of people don't know. Like, like, am I the asshole?

No, I didn't know that before this.

Oh, you didn't?

No, I actually, I'm just reading here for the first time. This episode is inspired by the Reddit AITA thread.

You didn't know that even though we've been talking about like this episode and planning it for weeks?

No, I just knew am I the asshole? That people were saying, am I the asshole? And it was obvious by the types of questions that we were getting. Like, it makes sense.

It's a. Oh my God. I didn't know. You didn't know that we talked about this for sure. Okay, well, if you're like Xander and have no clue what is going on. There is a very famous Reddit thread called am I the asshole? Where people write in and they say, this is the situation that I'm in. And so the whole question, am I the asshole? It's kind of like.

Or is the other person.

Yeah, am I in the wrong here? Like, this is my perspective. Clearly they're writing in about something where they think like another person has wronged me or the other person is just, you know, wrong about this, but they're willing to say like, am I. Am I actually wrong about it? And in reality, I am the asshole here. So it's like a funny way of, you know, trying to be self reflective about these frustrating, annoying, or just mind boggling situations that we find ourselves in. So I think that the thread is hilarious. This idea though, was actually one of our employees ideas for an episode and I thought it was a great idea. You thought it was a great one despite not knowing that there's somebody else who's done it first. It's a Reddit thing. It's not our thing.

Well, I mean, I'm looking at the types of questions we got, and they're really great questions. I like, you know, this lens to look at it through. And, you know, I feel like this is, you know, if you guys. Listeners love this, like, we can do a lot of episodes like this because for sure.

Oh, yeah, there's no shortage of stories like this.

Everyone's. Everyone's got questions. And, you know, we. We can be the judge, judge, jury, and executioner. Wow.

Executioner.

That's a phrase you will say that.

But it's so violent.

Yeah, it is. Well, what else could I be? The judge, jury and the prison.

I don't like that either. Okay. So what we did, though, for this episode is we turned to our Instagram audience. We asked them to submit their best stories. So today we're gonna go through them. We are gonna give you our hot takes on who is the asshole. Obviously, we don't think anybody is actually an asshole. Like, we are very compassionate people. We know that life is complex. It's not black and white. But we're just gonna be, like, giving you our hot takes. And one thing to know is that we have not discussed these stories yet.

We haven't.

So our team compiled the best stories. We have them in a little document in front of us. But Xander and I have not discussed and said, like, oh, I think the person writing in is the asshole. Or like, no, I think the other person is. So we might disagree. So as you're listening along, see who you agree with. Maybe you agree with me, maybe you agree with Xander, maybe you disagree with both of us. But because of that, I think this can also be a really fun episode to listen to with your partner. Like, let us read the questions. Pause it. You guys talk about what your opinions are, then listen to what we have to say. Like, this could be a great road trip episode to listen to. Or like a unique date night episode to listen to. So hopefully this will be lots of fun. Cause we are covering some fascinating stories about things like staying friends with exes, forgetting birthdays, and not wanting to reciprocate in the bedroom.

But first, we are going to ask the question that we have never asked before. Is this reviewer of the week, the asshole. Oh, and no. The answer is no, because they left us a review. And it's. I can already tell it's a glowing review just by the title, which is my favorite, my new favorite podcast. Okay, you're definitely not the asshole. I love you. Whoever this is. Five stars. You guys. You guys, that's us.

The emojis are us.

Okay, you guys, there's a surfer emoji and a woman with brown hair. I can't say enough good things about this podcast. Podcast? I've been married almost two years now, and you've helped to encourage us to have the healthiest sex life possible. I often use the things I learned on your podcast to spark sexy conversation between my husband and I. And of course, your suggestions regularly make their way into our bedroom and living room and bathroom.

Oh, get it, girl.

Your suggestion about trying minor adjustments and grinding during missionary has completely transformed that position for us. Oh, the minor adjustments people. We talk about this all the time. We hardly ever used to use it, and now it's become a new favorite. Ooh, we got heart, eyes, Eggplant. I never know what to say. Sweat. Sweaty.

Squirt.

Imagine squirt. And then two limes. What is this?

I actually don't know what that is.

Kiwis. I didn't know that that fruit. That there was an emoji for that fruit. And I'm not even sure what fruit that is. Is it like two balls?

I don't know what that is.

Hmm. I don't know. I gotta look this up. You know what? You have stumped both of us. And for that, you are the asshole.

No, I'm just kidding.

Wait.

Okay, hold on. I found it.

Okay, what is it?

A cantaloupe.

A cantaloupe? But it has.

It's a melon. Why does it have a little stem, though?

It has a stem. Do cantaloupes have. I actually have never seen a cantaloupe on a plant. But, I mean, it must grow on a vine.

Yeah, it does, but that's weird.

But, yeah, why would you put it on the vine since no one ever sees it that way?

It also looks so small.

Yeah, I know it is.

Okay, two melons. Got it.

All right. Some bazangas.

I don't ever want to hear that word ever again.

I think that's such a good word. Where did that come. What is the etymology behind bazangas? I feel like that's just like an onomatopoeia. Bazunga. And we completely agree that talking about sex is sexy. Thanks for addressing the topics we all really want to know and for making it so fun and engaging. I've definitely learned more about sex from you both in a short amount of time than I've learned in my entire life. Everywhere else. Keep up the amazing work and then X, here's some random emojis for you.

Oh, Lord.

I already know that I'm stumped on all of these since this person stumped us with the oh, my God melon. It's too small. I have to zoom in. Hold on. Oh, no, it won't let me zoom in.

Okay, if you have no idea what we're talking about, this is like an OG podcast listener thing that we asked. When we first started these, doing these review of the weeks, people were just like casually putting emojis in. And I realized very quickly, Xander doesn't know emojis. And so I thought it was very funny to have, like, to try to stump him with emojis. So I told people to put in, you know, put some interesting emojis in your review to try to stump Xander and this person. I will say you have truly, truly stumped us. So excellent work.

Props to you. We're the assholes now.

And these reviews, as fun as they are to read and to stump Xander, they also go such a long way in helping the podcast grow. The more reviews are on a podcast, the more likely people are to listen to it, the more likely Spotify and Apple are to discuss display it. So it really does make a huge difference. Like, the podcast would not be where it is and would not have a future without reviews. So we really, really appreciate you guys taking the time to leave one. So we do this little giveaway every single week as our way of saying thank you. So go to the main Pillow Talks page on Apple Podcasts. Scroll to the bottom. You will see the review section. There, you just write a quick little note. It does not have to be long, does not have to be meaningful. Just anything that you would say to somebody who's never listened to the podcast before. And then once you leave that review, you are done. But you are entered into the giveaway every single week automatically going forward for however long the podcast exists. So if you hear your review read on a podcast, email us@infomtherapy.com, let us know the name that you left the review with, and you will get to choose a masterclass. Absolutely. For free, as our way of saying thanks. Okay, so let's get into these am I the asshole? Scenarios. Here's our first one. Been married for 24 years. I never orgasm during intimacy. I've never said anything to my husband because I didn't want him to feel bad or inadequate. Our sex life hasn't been great because I don't desire sex, because I don't enjoy it. Little side note here. That is something that we talk about a lot. That is the enjoyment. Desire, connection.

Yes. I'm glad to see this person is calling that out. That's an incredible first step.

Yeah. If you are not enjoying the sex you're having, you are not going to desire it. You're not going to have a high sex drive. It just wouldn't make any sense to. Okay. Going back to their question, I finally got up the courage to tell him and he blamed me for not telling him sooner. Said I am to blame for many years of bad sex because I never spoke up. The crazy thing is I don't even fake orgasm. He just doesn't seem to notice that I don't climax. Am I the asshole? Xander, what do you think?

I mean, there's a lot of nuance in this one.

No, you just have to. You have to give an answer. You can say, okay, you can say, she's the asshole, he's the asshole, or they're both the asshole.

They are. They're both the asshole, he's the. For. For. For just never noticing. God, I feel. I feel bad saying that she's the. For the way that she brought this up, I assume.

Do we need to come up with another phrase? Because you don't want to call people assholes.

Yeah. What should we say?

You're the nice hole.

The nice hole. Okay. He's. He's the nice hole.

The bad hole.

The bad hole. No, no.

But.

No. The bad hole. That's super shaming towards butts.

Yeah, that's true. The hole.

The hole.

Just say the hole. He's the hole.

Okay. He's the hole. For. For not noticing. He's also a hole for saying. For just being like you're to blame.

Yeah.

Like there's. Well, this shouldn't be a situation where there is anything or anyone to blame. I would think that she is the whole. For. It sounds like. I have to read between the lines. It sounds like she brought this up in a way that generally we wouldn't advise. She brought it up in a way that made it feel like, to the partner, at least, that there was someone to blame about it. And so. Yeah, they're both holes.

Well, we don't know exactly how she brought it up.

No.

So that. Of course, that's always the difficult thing with giving hot takes on complicated scenarios. We don't know the full story. But. Yeah, I. I agree with you. I think they're both the holes because.

She says, I finally got up the courage to tell him. And right before she's insane. Our sex life hasn't been great. So I'm guessing that what she got the courage up to tell him is, I haven't really been enjoying sex or our sex life isn't great, which is not really the way that we would advise having a conversation like this.

Yeah, well. Yeah, I just. I feel like I can't say anything about how she said it because I don't know what she said exactly. But I do think, you know, I. And this is a tricky one, too, because I feel so much compassion for women who fake. I faked myself for many, many years. And I understand, like, nobody fakes orgasm to be an asshole. I never did. Like, it was never, you know, oh, I know what I want to do. I'm going to really mess with this guy. Like, I'm going to fake it, and then 24 years later, I'm going to tell him, surprise, sucker. I've been faking this whole time. Like, nobody does that.

Yeah, because that's going to have no impact on you either. It's worse for you.

Nobody does that. Like, the reasons that we fake are because we don't understand how our pleasure really works. We're socialized to put men's pleasure at a higher priority than our own. We want to make it seem like the chemistry is right and things are clicking between the two of us.

Us.

We want to seem like we're easy to satisfy. Like, I don't take too much time or too much effort. I'm just like this cool, easy, breezy girl. So we fake for a lot of really good reasons. And then we often find ourselves in these tough situations, like, years down the road of, like, how do I back myself out of this? So we do have a podcast episode all about faking. If that is a situation that you're in, that is episode 108. Help. I've been faking orgasms so long, I don't know how to stop. So with this woman, I know she's saying that she didn't feel fake orgasm, but it seems like, you know, she obviously, like, wasn't saying anything like, I want an orgasm or I'm not having an orgasm. So, you know, I. I feel a lot of compassion for her. And I do think, like, waiting 24 years to tell somebody, as much as I understand it and as much compassion as I feel for it, like, that's also. You have to take some responsibility for that. Of, like, yeah, I didn't tell you the truth for 24 years.

Yeah. But I mean, this gets back to what I was saying about how you have this conversation is so essential. Doesn't help anyone to be like, oh, hey, by the way, for the last 24 years, I haven't enjoyed any of the sex that we've been having. Like, that's just, that's not gonna feel good to anyone. That's not gonna set you up for, for like, how to move forward. That's gonna set you up to continue wanting to dissect the past and be like, oh, well, why didn't, you know, why didn't you do this? Why didn't you do that? Like, you know, why was it so bad? Or whatever versus it, you know, versus setting the conversation up a bit. Like, I want to have a better experience during sex. And I've, you know, for so long I've been really socialized to, like, not really say anything or ask for what I want. And I'm feeling more and more comfortable and like, like, I would love to try this tonight, or I would love to try that tonight. Like, it can be more of an in the moment type of thing. Like, hey, let's do something different tonight. Versus for 24 years it's been bad and everything has to change. Like, this can be a slow type of of conversation where you're slowly working in requests for new things. I think a lot of us get in our heads and think, oh, my God, well, it's been so long. Like the own. We're totally locked into having sex the way we've been having sex for 24 years. And the only way that that will ever change is if I have this big, huge, I'm going to finally tell you the truth, which is that, you know, it's been horrible. And. But it's like, well, who cares? Like, who cares that it's been horrible? Like, you could focus on the past or you could focus on the present and how you make the present better.

Yeah.

All right, so we're going to move on to our next one. This was actually the most common type of question that we got from our audience. And it was. It's all about reciprocating, which is very interesting. So we, I. We have three examples that felt pretty illustrative of the type of questions that we got. So I'm going to read all three and then should we kind of do lightning round and say, who's the asshole?

Okay.

All right. So the first one, I don't desire to do some of the things that he likes to do to me. Does that make me a selfish Lover. Second one is, I love receiving oral, but I hate giving it, Am I a bad wife? And then three, if I female like having my anus licked, but I don't love to reciprocate to my male partner, am I the asshole?

Okay, so my hot take in general is if you want something that you're not willing to reciprocate. Yes, you are. The whole. One exception is if your partner is genuinely happy with that. There are some rare circumstances where a partner is like, yeah, that's totally fine with me. Like, maybe I love giving oral, but I actually don't really love receiving oral. Like, that's totally fine. It doesn't have to be fair if your partner doesn't want it to be. But if your partner is saying, like, hey, I'm doing this for you, and, like, I would love for you to do it back to me too. Like, I do think you are the whole. If you're not willing to reciprocate.

Yeah, I was. I was gonna say the exact same thing. Okay, yeah.

Agreement here.

Yes. I would say you are in full agreement. Yeah. That you are provisionally. The whole. Assuming that your partner is not like, yeah, I actually don't want you to do that to me.

Yeah.

Because there are plenty of. There are plenty of things like that where it's like, you like something, but your partner doesn't like something. It's like, yeah, no problem. Like, you do that. I don't. I don't need to do the same thing. That. That's totally fine. But I think we have to be careful in this, with this, especially because there is a big gender dynamic at play where, you know, like, there can be a lot of gender things that come up where it's like, women are socialized to. To feel like they shouldn't need certain things or they shouldn't need to ask for certain things, or it's not okay to ask for certain things. And so I worry that this advice, you know, can kind of miss out on the nuance of, like, oh, yeah, well, oh, she told me that she doesn't want oral. And so, like, we're totally good. And it Just making sure that it's not a situation of, like, oh, yeah, I don't want it because I don't feel comfortable asking for it.

So it's like, the difference between, like, it's fine, and I don't want that, and I'm happy with not receiving that. So that it's very important to, like, have a real, honest, open conversation about what your partner wants the other Nuance in this here is like, you are never gonna hear us tell anybody that they have to do something with their own body. So, like, I'm never gonna tell anybody. Like, yeah, you have to give oral. What I think the complication is here is if you want your partner to do something that you're not willing to do in return. So if you're like, hey, I don't feel comfortable giving oral, that is totally fine. You get to have that boundary. I support that. But I would say don't receive oral unless your partner is perfectly fine with there being that imbalance.

Yeah. Yeah. And then, you know, in that situation, as long as you're being open and honest and upfront about that type of stuff, like, hopefully that is happening early in a relationship, because then ultimately, like, that's, you know, it's happening in the part of the relationship where you are both deciding, like, do I want to commit to this person long term? Is this. Are these. You know, are these things that I am willing okay with living with, you know, for potentially the rest of my life? And, you know, both partners get to make a decision of, like, does this feel like a good fit for me?

Yeah.

Long term, I think where this gets tough is when something like this comes out many years.

Yeah.

Into a relief relationship. And that can be a challenging thing. And then, you know, one partner is feeling like they have to kind of make a decision under duress.

Yeah.

Of like, oh, am I really okay with this? Like, you know, I thought it was one way, but now it's not this way. And, you know, it feels too scary to kind of, like, put my foot down or walk away at this point. So. Yeah, that's why. Yeah, that's why we. We always. We always like people to. To try to have these kinds of open and honest and realistic conversations earlier on.

Yeah, for sure. I'll also say, like, this first one says, I don't desire to do some of the things he likes to do to me. So there's some interesting things here. Like, first of all, I think there's a difference between desiring to do something and being willing to do something.

Yeah, I don't desire to, like, cook dinner every night, and yet if I want to eat, I need, you know, I need to cook dinner. I mean, I guess I can, like, order out or whatever, but it's like, you know, it's like I don't desire to do a lot of things, and, yeah. That I do them because I, you know, I know that ultimately I want, like, what the outcome of that thing is.

Yeah. So I think, like, it's okay if you're not feeling why. And let's be real, too. Like, a lot of these things we're talking about are, like, focusing on your partner. And, of course, like, focusing on your partner, like, that takes energy. It takes effort. You're likely not getting pleasured at the same time. So it's like, of course, like, you might not feel the same excitement to give to your partner as you would to receive. So, like, that. But that's different from, like, I'm not willing to. So I just want to normalize. Like, you don't need to be wildly excited to do something, but maybe there's more space that can open up for you when you come at it from a place of willingness. Like, yeah, this is not my favorite thing to do, but, like, I know my partner enjoys it. I enjoy receiving the same thing, so I'm willing to do it. And then we have to differentiate that from a real boundary. Like, if you have. Again, like I said before, if you have a real boundary around doing something, that's fine, and you get to have that boundary. So I always encourage people to explore their boundaries. So I want to make sure I'm being crystal clear in saying this. Like, we are all allowed to have boundaries. Boundaries are great. It's your body. You get to decide to do what you want to do with it and not do with it. And I think it's really interesting with sex in particular, to examine boundaries, because a lot of us have boundaries that are actually more about internalized shame than they are about our genuine sense of safety or preferences.

Yeah. Or sort of, like, societally influenced boundaries. Like, oh, I feel like I shouldn't do this or that I would be judged for this or whatever.

Yeah. Like, I mean, if you grew up hearing, like, ooh, only bad girls give blow jobs. Like, that's sinful, and that's not allowed. And that's a disgusting, demeaning thing to do. Like, of course you're gonna internalize that and feel uncomfortable giving blowjobs. So I think that there's, you know, a process that we all have to go through of examining, okay, this discomfort that I might feel with a certain act. Where is it coming from? Where did I first learn this? Is it serving me? Is it genuinely, like, keeping me safe in certain ways? So, like, take a look at your boundaries, and you're gonna have some of them where you're like, yeah, no, that is. That's my boundary. That's not something I want to do. And that's great. And you deserve to, like, respect your own boundaries and have a partner who respects your boundaries. And there may be some of them where you're like, ooh, yeah. That's actually really more from like the socialization that I got around sex.

Yeah. And if it, you know, if you're finding that it is something that is, you know, it's not like a personal hard boundary. It's more like, oh, yeah, this feels like something that maybe I've kind of been influenced by, you know, from the outside world or whatever. Or it's like, yeah, I'm finding it's. Yeah, I'm not desiring it or I don't find that I enjoy it. The other thing that we have found of years and years and years of doing this is that very often what is at the root of that is sort of like a skill and confidence thing is that, yeah, if you don't really know how to do something or you don't feel very comfortable in your skills in doing something, then why would you be like, oh, hell yeah, I can't wait to do this thing that I'm not very good at. Like, especially as adults, we start to naturally just, you know, hone in on like doing the things that we feel more comfortable with and not doing the things that we don't have to do that we aren't very comfortable with. And I think the same thing can happen in the bedroom. And that's exactly why we sell all these technique based guides, especially our ultimate foreplay guides, Next Level Intercourse.

Oh, which we forgot to mention, like the review, she talked about the grinding during missionary and how that like completely changed the position for her. Like, that's from Next Level Intercourse. Yeah, we'll put the link to that.

Yeah.

So in the show notes.

Yeah, we'll, we'll put a link to all, to all of those guides. But yeah, I mean, for, you know, especially with like oral. Because I think that reciprocating oral is a huge thing is, you know, consider how might this feel for you if you felt better about your technique, you felt more comfortable and confident that you knew exactly what to do. And if you're curious about that, I would highly recommend you check out our ultimate foreplay guides because we have changed thousands and thousands of people's minds on this.

Before we go any further, let's tell you a little bit more about Cozy Earth. They are one of our absolute favorite sponsors because we are, quite frankly, obsessed with our sheets and bedding and all the stuff that we have from them.

You can call us Cozy Earth fanatics.

We. We truly are. Like, we really, really love their sheets. Everything that they offer is so amazing. But the sheets, sheets in particular have just been so special. And we are sheet nerds. Like, we really want to be comfortable. We're willing to spend some money on sheets. Like, we've bought sheets that are far more expensive than the Cozy Earth ones. But there is something about these Cozy Earth sheets. And I haven't said this in a while, so I'll give another reminder. Like, the sheets are very soft when you get them, but give them like five washes and then it just becomes next to level softness. Like, I couldn't believe what a big difference it was just from a couple washes.

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Oh, you didn't. You did not just do that.

I did. I did.

I saw you waiting to say something with a little smile on your face. That is horrible.

I had. I had a number of places that I was ready to say it. You know, I also don't know how Cozy Earth is gonna feel about me.

I'm pretty sure we're not allowed to swear in the.

Well, we'll see. We can, we can, we can edit this part out if they don't like it, but I think, you know, aw, shucks. Aw. Sheet. They're pretty great sheets.

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There's.

I don't want to like misquote it or anything, but I feel like there's. We're just scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling through the page, like looking at all the different options.

Yeah, there, there's more and more every week since they started as a sponsor. Like, it's probably the number of options has at least doubled or tripled.

If you want to check Greenchef out, you can go to greenchef.com 60pillow and use code 60pillow to get 60% off plus free shipping. So, yeah, like Xander was just saying, like, they are always adding new options. So there are different, like, catego of meals that you can get. We're gluten free. There's tons of gluten free meals. You can get vegan, you can get vegetarian. They have like quick and easy meals that are super fast to prepare. I think the longest I've ever seen on a recipe card is like 30 minutes. So they're all designed to be fast and easy and super convenient. You get a little bag, it has all of the ingredients for that meal. There's a recipe card with very easy to follow directions.

It's.

I don't know. Like, I think sometimes cooking can feel there's so much mental load behind cooking. Like deciding what you're gonna make, making sure you have all the ingredients, and.

Then like, yeah, making sure you get the right amount at the store or maybe a little extra. Cause the last thing you want to do is like, not quite have enough of something. And yeah, it's so easy. Cause it's like you open up the bag for that day's recipe, dump it out, and it's literally everything already measured out. Like, there's no having too much too little. Like you have the right amount.

Yeah, for me, like, there's something. There have definitely been days where I'm like, oh, I'm tired. I, like, don't really feel like cooking, but because it feels so easy, like it, it doesn't feel hard. Like even on those days, I'm like, okay, you know, we're doing a green chef thing. Like, I can just kind of zone out and trust the process. Just follow the recipe. So they're just. Yeah. So many incredible options to take a look at. The food's really good. We just had. What did we have? Peruvian carrots with like quinoa. Tons of veggies in there. We chose to add ch. Organic chicken breasts into that meal. So it was really flavorful with like a herby aioli on top, an aji verde? Yes. One of my favorites is the meatloaf, the pork meatloaf with, like, grated apple in the meatloaf. Oh, my God, it's so good. There are a lot of very cool things about Green Chef, but one that I really appreciate is that they are the only meal kit that is both carbon and plastic offset. So they offset 100% of their delivery emissions, as well as 100% of the plastic in every box. Plus, nearly all of the packaging materials are curbside recyclable in most areas of the U.S. oh, and I have to squeeze in another thing, because I think when meal kits first started coming out, I will say, like, my initial impression was, like, oh, that's so wasteful. Like, all the packaging and, like, you're only getting the tiny amounts of stuff. Like, I didn't think it was a good idea at first, but actually, with Green Chef, you are reducing your food waste by up to 23% versus grocery shopping. So they're just able to, like, like, get the ingredients together. So get and distribute the ingredients so effectively and efficiently that it actually cuts down on food waste. So it can be a really beneficial thing to do. So if you want to check it out, go to greenchef.com 60pillow and use code 60pillow to get 60% off plus free shipping. All right, let's get into our next one. Husband snores loud. All caps. He has sleep apnea, doesn't use a cpap. We have two kids, youngest is three months and sleeps in our bed because I nurse her during the night. I ask him all the time to please sleep in our spare room on one of our two couches or with our other daughter. His snoring keeps me up every single night. I already deal with getting up to feed the baby. It's not fair. He flat out refuses to sleep anywhere else. If I could get up and sleep somewhere else, I would, but I can't. I need to sleep with the baby where it's safest to do so. He thinks I'm a jerk for nudging, smacking him during the night or for asking him to sleep somewhere else temporarily. All I want is for both of us to get as much sleep as possible. Help. Am I the asshole? Xander, what's your hot take?

No, you are not the asshole. The. The husband is the hole.

He's the hole. I agree.

He's the hole. I got, like, nothing here. It's seems like you. This person who wrote in has literally done everything right as brainstormed. Like, all the. All the Options given the husband. A lot of different. It's not just like, get out of here and figure it out. It's like, yeah, there are lots of options. Two comfortable places that, that you could sleep. Yeah. Four, actually. Yeah.

Spare room, two couch. I mean, the couch isn't like. That's a little.

Yeah. I mean, why would you choose the.

Couch or with the other daughter. There's at least, least one other good option there.

Yeah, there are good options here. I mean, honestly, I think the only thing that this person hasn't done is just tell the husband. Like, you've asked the husband, can you do this? I think. Well, I mean, I'm giving advice now, but I think you've reached the point where it's time to tell him this. Like, this is. This situation is no longer acceptable.

Yeah, I'm in total agreement with you. He's the whole. Also, she's nursing. Like, she's doing so much work right now, and it's work that he can't do. Like, she just has to do it herself. She just wants some frickin good sleep. So, like, get the sleep apnea checked out, do the machine, whatever you need to do. Like, but in the meantime, temporarily. And that's also the other key point here is like, she's not saying for all of eternity, because I would understand, like, being the husband and being like, hey, but like, I want to sleep in bed with you. And like, I want to be in my bed. But it's like, okay, then. Then we got to figure out the sleep apnea. But like, even then it's. It's a temporary thing and she's being clear that. That it's temporary. So. Yeah, this one feels pretty clear to me.

Yeah. The only thing I can think of, trying my very hardest to throw this dude a bone, is if he doesn't think that it's such a big deal. Because I. Hey, I know, like, you know when someone tells you, oh, you snore a lot? Or like, you know, for me personally, like, I had Dennis tell me that I was grinding my teeth and I was like, refused to believe it because I was like, oh, I never, like, clench my jaw or grind my teeth, like, when I'm awake. But then obviously, at a certain point, it was like I was showing, like, all the signs of doing it. It was like, okay, fine, I'll get a mouth guard. I'll deal with this. But I think it's really easy when we're not conscious to kind of not fully believe or when someone else tells us something. So Perhaps maybe she needs to like record, like do a voice memo or something, like at night just to be able to play for him. Like, this is the situation. This is serious. This isn't like, this isn't just me being a princess. Yeah. All right, next situation. All right, so this happened like seven years ago now, but I still think about it. My husband and I just had our second baby in October. My birthday was in December, and that morning I could tell that he had no idea it was my birthday. We were taking our older daughter to a doctor's appointment that morning and he had to go to work. So I knew it was busy and the significance of the day slipped his mind. During the appointment, he was checking his social media, which I knew would tell him what day it was. So he sends our older daughter over to tell me happy birthday. He tells me happy birthday as we're leaving the office and he has to go to work. I'm still on maternity leave, so I go home with the kids. Sure enough, he sends me flowers later in the day for my birthday and then calls to see if I got a special delivery. But I knew he had panic, ordered flowers on the way to work and put a generic note inside. I told him I didn't want the flowers and I wanted him to return them. I wasn't upset that he forgot my birthday. I was upset that he half assed sent flowers with no thoughts instead of apologizing for forgetting and owning up to it. So he returned the flowers. Now he thinks I just don't like flowers. Am I the asshole?

Yeah. So I think he's definitely the hole for forgetting the birthday. Like, that's a big deal. You gotta remember your partner's birthday. You gotta put some reminders on the calendar ahead of time so, you know, to plan something. So definitely the hole there. But she's the hole for, like, making him return the flowers. Like, that just feels really petty. So I think, like, I get what she's saying, that she would have rather he just owned up to it and said, like, hey, I'm really sorry I forgot. Let me make it up to you. And like, if I was in her shoes, I probably would have wanted the same thing too. Like, just be honest with me, just own up to it rather than like trying to pretend that you didn't forget. But I think what she could have done is just explain that to him in the moment of like, hey, look, it hurts my feelings that you forgot my birthday. At this point, this point, what would be the most meaningful to me is to have you just acknowledge it rather than trying to pretend like you didn't, like, just acknowledge it. I know what happened. Like, that would be the easiest way for me to move forward.

Yeah, I think that very often when we are feeling upset about something, we like to try to test our partner to see will they without being prompted or without me having to share this emotion to pick up on it and like, like preemptively or proactively apologize for it. And it's kind of setting up a test that when we set up these tests, almost always our partner is going to fail. We're going to have an expectation that's not going to be met and eventually it's going to turn into resentment and kind of sounds like that's what's going on in this situation. So, yeah, I think that what would have been the very best move. And yeah, this requires, you know, you being vulnerable and you, you know, sharing something that hurt. But just like, hey, it, it's feeling, you know, it's feeling like you forgot my birthday today. And I'm feeling sad about that. And you know, because you can say that and then see what he says, you know, then he gets to respond to that and like, that gives him an opportunity to acknowledge it and to apologize for it. And if for some reason he's not doing that, then you can go into what Vanessa just said of like, you know, hey, what's feeling the most meaningful? Like, I would, you know, I would love just an acknowledgment of like how shitty that might, might feel that, you know, we got partway through the day. It doesn't feel like you have remembered or said anything, you know, whatever it is. But you know, I just think that, I just think that being able to just say what you're feeling upset or sad or disappointed about, you know, without there being any judgment attached to it. Like, notice how when I suggested that I didn't say you forgot my birthday, you're saying it, it feels like. Or, you know, it's. The story I'm telling myself is that you forgot because, you know, it's been a couple hours or whatever and you didn't say anything versus just accusing the person but just saying, hey, you know, this is what it feels like to me and I don't like the way that feels and I'm wondering what your experience is.

Yeah, yeah. And I think like with the, with the flowers, I totally get what she's saying, that it's just this like half ass, like, you know, panic trying to do it at the last Minute. And I think, like, it's still. It is still a gesture. Like, yes, obviously, he should have remembered sooner. He should have ordered the flowers sooner. But, like, it is still a gesture of like, oh, my, it's your birthday and I wanted to get you flowers. So I think the, like, returning. Making him return the flowers just feels.

Like twisting the knife.

Yeah. Yeah. It just feels unnecessary to do so. So I think he's, like. He's more of the whole. But she's a little bit of a hole.

Yeah, I mean, I think that that's. I mean, this is where these things get tricky. Is it? So often it's like someone does something whole. Ish, and then the partner retaliates by doing something. Yeah. And then we do something Holish. Holish in return. In. In that moment, we feel justified in doing so. The problem is when we talk, you know, if you go to therapy and talk it through or, you know, you're telling the story, you know, to someone in the future, the. You know, what any other casual observer hears is, okay, so you guys both did some shitty things to each other. You know, it's like, just because someone does something bad, that doesn't justify the next person to also do something bad.

Yeah, for sure. Although I will say, like, I can sort of see the temptation, and, like.

I'm sure it felt good in the moment.

The flowers, just take them. I don't even want him take them back. And then husband, I'm sure he's like, well, they don't, like, accept returns. We'll just throw them outside. I don't want to see them.

Yeah, I know. I was curious. I was like, how. How did he return the flowers?

Kind of. I could see myself on a bad day, like, doing that, too. I don't want to see him. Just get him out of here. So I get the impulse, girl. I get it. I get it. But, yeah, you should have just kept the flowers. And he needs to remember your birthday next year, and he needs to make it up to you and make it a better birthday.

I know. I just know that if this were you, we would never be in this situation, because the chances that you would not say something in the two weeks leading up to your birthday about how excited you are for your birthday, like.

The countdown is on.

Yeah. There would be no way for this to go under the radar in our household. Vanessa's like. Like, one to two months before her birthday. She'll be like, two months till my birthday. One month till my birthday.

Can never forget. All right, here's our next one. My partner started seeing someone barely two weeks after we broke up from a four year relationship. I feel like he was disrespectful and inconsiderate of my feelings and he really broke my heart. We wanted to stay in each other's lives, but he didn't even have the decency to tell me. I found out now my brain only associates him seeing someone to feeling disrespected by the person I spent four years with. I told him that I cannot stay in his life on any basis if he keeps. Keep seeing her because that only reminds me of the disrespect and breaks my heart over and over again. Am I the. What's your knee jerk reaction? This is a good one.

This is a good one. This is a meaty one. And there are some, there are some shades here. There's some stuff.

No, you got to give your heart talking about. Oh, I know, but hot take.

My hot take is you are the. Oh, I'm going in on this one.

I. I was gonna say they're both the holes, but I think.

I agree. I agree. But I think this person, they're more the hole.

Yeah.

As hard as it is, like what.

Percentage of the whole.

I mean, this is so tough because it's like if this person was my friend, I'd be like, yeah, like screw your, screw your ex. Like that's, that's super shitty that they started seeing someone two weeks after. It is. It is shitty.

It absolutely is.

And yet you broke up. You broke up and you no longer have sway over each other's lives and decisions. That's kind of what goes along with the breakup.

So I think they're like 80% the whole.

Yeah, I mean. Yeah, I think so.

You know what else is interesting about this one is this question starts off my partner, not my ex.

Yeah.

My partner.

Yeah. There's. So. Yeah. So reading through this, there, there are some things that, that, that stand out to me. Some sort of like red flags. Obviously there's what you just said that the, the person refers to them still as their partner even though they broke up, you know. Yeah. They're saying we, we wanted to stay in each other's lives, you know, but then I told him that I cannot stay in his life on any basis. Like, I think that there's some if.

Well, the tough part about it is if he keeps seeing.

Yeah. If he keeps. Yeah.

You can't give an ultimatum like that to your ex.

You can't give an ultimatum to someone you're not In a relationship, here's what you can do.

You can say you're dating somebody else right now. It's too painful for me. So I am choosing to not be in your life right now. And you can remove yourself. You cannot talk to them. That's a very healthy boundary to set. Very healthy. But you can't say, you can't use that as leverage over your ex. Because what I think this person is hoping that their ex will say is, oh my gosh, you're so right. I'm so sorry. I won't stop seeing her. But I do wanna back up for a second and I wanna say I feel a lot of compassion for this person.

I do too, a hundred percent.

Ending a four year relationship is fucking brutal in and of itself. But then like your partner seeing somebody two weeks after a breakup like that is devastating. I would be totally devastated. I'd be totally heartbroken. So, like, I feel a lot of compassion for how, how bad this must feel.

And hopefully, you know, I think the silver lining in this, which I know is hard to hear because it sounds like maybe you, maybe you kind of wish you hadn't broken up or you want to have, you know, still a lot of influence over this person's life. But, you know, I think that as a friend, what I would say is, hey, the fact that they started seeing someone two weeks after you broke up, that should tell you everything you need to know about this person. That should completely validate why you broke up. It's showing, it's like a showing of truth, true colors. Like, you know, I think that very often we can be a bit blinded by, you know, just the feelings of being in a relationship. And then a breakup like that can be very illuminating in seeing how someone really behaves when, you know, kind of when they're making their fully their own choices. So I think that this is, you know, this is a good sign to you that you, you made the right decision, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.

And this is also like, this is a bit of a blessing in disguise too, because I think one of the big mistakes that people make with breakups is trying to be friends too quickly.

Oh my God. If.

Yeah, I've made that mistake so many.

Times, Vita Penny for like every time I've seen that amongst friends, amongst people, amongst myself, so much, so much angst and anguish. And yeah, it's like sadness comes from like, oh, yeah, we broke up a week ago, but like, we're going out on a friend date tonight. Yeah, you can't, don't do, like, no, it's not good for anybody.

I don't care. It doesn't matter, like how great of a breakup it was, how consciously uncoupled you guys were. It doesn't matter how close you were if you were friends beforehand. Like, it does not matter. When you break up with somebody, you need a hard break for a temporary period of time. I would say, I don't like to speak in absolutes because nothing in life is black or white. But I would say like a rough guideline would be like six months, six months of space. If it was a multi year relationship.

Some number of months. Some number of months.

Yeah, some number of months. You need a break, no contact. That's gonna be the only way that you can start over again and create a friendship. Like going straight from relationship to breakup to friendship. Sure, maybe there's some magical unicorns out in the world who have managed to do it successfully, but for the overwhelming majority of people, it's just not gonna work. And I get the desire, I have been there so many times myself, of like, I love this person, I care about this person. It didn't work romantically, but like, I want them in my life, so I get it, but it just doesn't work. You need a break. So maybe that's your silver lining here, that this will give you the space that you guys need. If there really is a friendship there that's meant to be, like, you can come back together and get it started in the future, but like, now is not the time.

Yeah, I mean, I think it's. Yeah, it's like if, if you do truly value the, the friendship that you have, because, I mean, let's be real in relationship, there is a, there's a romantic relationship and there's also a friendship. And I think if you truly do value the friendship that you have and you want that friendship to flourish in the future, the le. Like the, what you need to do is say, okay, during the breakup, talk about this. Hey, let's take three months, let's take six months. We're not gonna be in touch. We're just, we're gonna let ourselves, you know, heal and recover. And then let's start, you know, texting or talking or whatever and to kind of figure out what our friendship looks like. I think if you truly respect your relationship, that's how you need to do it. Cause I think what often happens is we say under the guise, oh, I still wanna be friends. What that really is, is like, I still wanna see what you're up to. I still wanna have some influence over your life. Cause the reality is when you're. We each have influence over each other's lives and there's part of us that doesn't want to let go of that. And so I think that that's really what is going on under the surface when people do this. So I think you gotta be really honest with yourself in a breakup. And like, what is it that I'm looking for? Am I looking for influence over this person's life or am I looking to really value our friendship? And if you're really looking to value the friendship, then you know they'll be there in six months.

Yeah.

And you'll be way better situated, both of you, emotionally and mentally to actually build a real friendship.

Okay, here's our last one. There was a guy that I was getting to know and I shared with him that I was interested in trying out casual sex with someone. I'd only ever had sex with long term, committed partners. I told him over and over again that I wanted something low commitment and light, easy so that I could explore my sexuality. He said he was all for it and we gave it a try. After he had penetrated me and we started to get going, he caressed my cheeks and. And whispered to me that he was actually a virgin. We were in our late 20s at the time and I was his first. I was completely freaked out at first. I tried to keep it going and to make it meaningful or special for him. But after a few minutes of that, not to mention the sex not being very pleasurable for me to begin with, I rolled off of him and asked him to leave. I had not signed up to be his first and to create a meaningful sexual experience for him. In hindsight, I wonder if it was an asshole move to stop things right in the middle and likely ruin his first sexual encounter. But I'll definitely hold to the fact that he didn't disclose his true intentions about it. Am I the asshole?

You are 0% the asshole in this situation. Yeah, he's the hole. He is 110%. Oh, the hole.

That's a lot of hole.

Yeah, I mean, I want to just like I want to celebrate this person for just being really clear about what it is that you wanted. And then you held to it and good for you. You tried and it felt compromising. And you. And then you said, I don't want to continue to put myself in a compromising sexual situation. And you stopped.

This is something that so few people have the, like, strength to Do. Because that is so hard in the moment to, like, feel a boundary being crossed and feel a discomfort and like, and continue on with it. Like, I really give kudos to this person for being willing to stop in the moment and stop the whole thing. So I hear that the whole question that they're asking themselves is like, am I the asshole for stopping in the middle of it? But I think not only are you not the asshole, but that is such a huge sign of strength to have been willing and able to stop in the middle.

Yeah. And also to be really clear, you asked the question of, like, you know, were you the asshole to stop things right in the middle and likely ruin his first sexual encounter? I would say say this guy ruined his own first actual encounter by. By not being honest or. Or by being dishonest by omission. You know, it wasn't that he was explicitly dishonest. It was that he didn't say, didn't disclose key information and then disclosed it partway through.

Do you think it is somebody's responsibility if it's their first time, to disclose that to another person?

Oh, that is. That is such a tough question. I would say, I guess not. It's not your responsibility. But to do, to. To disclose it in the middle, that is not. It's. You either got to go with, I'm not going to say anything, and I'm just gonna do this because I, I don't think. It's not like you are unable to have sex if, you know, it's not like you need someone's extra help if it's your first time. Like, if you've educated yourself on what.

To do.

You know, and it's like, you know, I, you know, in this case, it's supposed to be casual sex where you don't really, like, you're not. It's not a committed thing. You don't owe each other, I guess. Yeah, I would say you don't owe that person that. I would say that it's the right thing to do, to say something, because, you know, what you could say is, yeah, it's. It's my first time. And I am aware that, like, some people want the first time to feel really special. And that's not where I'm, you know, I'm. Yeah, I'm fine with it being a casual first time that doesn't have any special emotional value.

Yeah, yeah. It all depends on what value you place on it. We actually don't like using the term virginity or like losing your virginity because we think people put Too much emphasis on the first time. Like, we like to say making your sexual debut because you're not losing anything. But also, yeah, we don't need to like, like look at the first time as this like, super special needs to be meaningful type of experience. But it sounds like for this guy it was a meaningful thing. And so to not disclose that beforehand, I think is not okay.

Yeah, that's, that's the problem is that it started out being like, yeah, this is this fun, casual thing. And then halfway through, he, you know, like, you know, he's like starting to make love to her, like, you know, you know, grabbing her face and telling her like, oh, it's my first time. Like, oh, man, that's tough. But yeah, I also, the other thing I thought of about like, you know, if, if you're curious because I'm sure people have some, some, some thoughts and opinions on like, do. If it's your first time, do you have to say something? The other, you know, I, the flip side is interesting. It's like no one expects anyone when it's, when it's your first time with a new partner to be like, just so you know, this isn't my first time. Like, just so you know, I've had X number of partner. How weird would that be as like, oh, just so you know, like, you're my fifth partner. Just so you know, you're my 20th partner. Like, like, there's no expectation that you would do that, so why should there be an expectation? Just so you know, you're my first partner.

Okay, what if I turn this situation around a little bit and let's say that this person, they had sex, the guy doesn't say anything, but then the person who wrote the question finds out later through somebody else that it was actually his first time, so he never told the person, it's my first time, they find out about it, then would they have the right to be pissed about that?

No, I don't think so. Because, I mean, because the person that had sex with them, like, didn't turn it into something. Assuming the person follows through on like what they talked about the arrangement, which is this is, this is casual, no strings attached sex. If that person follows through on that and then somehow someone tells them later, I, I think that you, I think that you are allowed to have some feelings or to be kind of confused about that.

Yeah, like, oh, damn, I wish I had known that that was your first time.

Yeah.

Yeah. But I agree with you that if this person, like just found out later, they're allowed to have feelings about it. But it's not that, like, this guy did something wrong by not disclosing.

Now, it would be a different story if they find out, because the friend's like, oh, yeah, now this guy's going around, like, saying how he lost his virginity to you, and it was such a meaningful experience, you know, like, you.

Know, if he would be back to being the asshole.

If that's the situation that it's like, oh, the story has changed, and now this person is like, you know, can't stop talking about it or something. Like, yeah, that's a whole other situation. But it's like, you know, the person. If you guys follow through on the arrangement and you both do your part and are doing the right thing, then, yeah, that's fine.

All right, well, this was fun. Yeah, I enjoy deciding who's the hole.

Yeah.

So let us know if you enjoyed this episode. If you want us to do more versions of Am I the asshole?

More holes. How many holes are there?

How many holes are there? Do you have a great story? That would make for a great episode? Let us know. I know we did mention a couple of things in here, so we'll make sure that there are links to those things in the show notes, the foreplay guides. We talked about next level intercourse, and we talked about butt stuff. So all of those will be linked down below in the show notes for you.

All right, well, that's all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about bodily functions. Sam.