Episode 138: Your Funniest Foreplay Fails

I swear it must have been about 10 queefs. We were laughing so hard, we were crying and clearly the mood was killed. Then he says to me, was it the turkey we had for dinner tonight?

Oh, God.

So I got.

Oh, buddy.

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Thanks to Dipsea for supporting Pillow Talks. Get an extended 30 day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com/pillow. Thanks to Cozy Earth for supporting our podcast. Cozy Earth provided an exclusive offer for our Pillow Talks listeners today. Get up to 35% off site wide when you use code Pillow talks@cozyearth.com Today's episode is all about foreplay fails. We turned to our Instagram community and we asked them to tell us how their most embarrassing stories of foreplay gone wrong. Because we think it's important to laugh about sex. Like, we all put so much pressure on ourselves to have an amazing sex life, be incredible in bed. But the reality is sex is a very funny, weird thing that we do. And things go off the rails sometimes.

Yeah, and things very often go off the rails because we don't talk about how to do it. We don't really talk openly about it. And so if course we don't know how to do it right. And so often we do things that looking back, it's like, hold on a second, why? Why did I think to do that? Why would anybody ever think that was a good idea? But you know, when we kind of live on in this world where we're like, nope, no talking about sex, sex doesn't happen. Except that it does happen all the time. Things like this happen. And, you know, I think it's nice to kind of open the door, open the blinds, shed some light on it all and just talk about it, laugh about it.

Definitely laugh about it. Cause there are a lot of funny things that can go wrong. So today we are sharing stories about spicy vaginas queefing Cosmo tips that should have stayed in Cosmo.

Like most tips I think should stay.

In Cosmo and anal beads.

Fun.

Just gonna leave that little cliffhanger there. And we will also maybe be sharing some of our own stories. I have one. Do you have one?

I don't think I do, but maybe.

Xander's just so good at foreplay.

No tb. I didn't. You know, I don't think. I wouldn't say I had the most foreplay experience before I met you.

Okay, well, we'll see if you can think of your own story. But I have one that we can start us off with.

Great. All right. Yeah, we'll see if anything comes out of the old memory banks here. I was thinking about it. I was like, yeah, I just don't really have any many memories, like positive or negative about foreplay.

Oh, you know what you could talk about?

What?

The first time that I gave you foreplay.

What happened?

Let's get into the episode and then we can talk about it.

Okay, well, if you want to hear about that, you got to stick around because we're going to do review of the week first. This week's review is. My husband and I enjoy Pillow Talks. I had stumbled. That's it. They enjoy it.

I don't know why that's so funny to me right now, but it just seems like. It just seems like the most tepid. Yeah, you know, we enjoy it.

This, this is an alright podcast. Five stars. It's all right. You know, this is. This is way better. This is so much better than it being like, I love this podcast changed my life. Three stars. Yeah, because that's a thing out there. People do that all the time. Or like, you know, for like restaurant reviews where they're like, this is the best meal I. I ever had in my life. I tell all my friends to go here, two stars. No, they'll do like four stars or something. And it's like, you know, if you are trying to get good reviews on Yelp or TripAdvisor or any of those sites, like, anything. But five stars sucks. Oh, man. Well, thank you so much for giving us five stars. This person did say more than just they enjoy Pillow Talks, they said. I had stumbled across Vanessa and Xander's podcast, Pillow Talks a couple of months ago and loved the advice and the topics they talked about. One road trip, I showed the podcast to my husband. And now every time we're in the car together, especially on long road trips, we turn on an episode from Pillow Talks and listen to it. They've helped open up our communication about our sex life and given us ideas on what we would like to start trying or try in the bedroom. Thank you, Vanessa and Xander.

Oh, okay. This is really sweet.

This is exactly what we. This is, like, really the ideal Pillow Talks listener. This is what we're looking for. People that want to just, like, listen to podcasts on road trips use the podcast to start talking to their partner about sex in ways that they maybe didn't before.

And honestly, this is one of the ways that we bond too. Like, we love listening to podcasts in the car, and it's just like, a great opportunity to talk about things. And, yeah, just. It feels like fun and not intimidating.

At all, and it makes a road trip go fast.

Absolutely. So if you are the person who wrote this review that you and your husband enjoy Pillow talks, please email us@infomtherapy.com because we have a prize for you.

We would enjoy giving a prize to you.

Yeah, we do this little giveaway every single week as our way of saying thank you for leaving reviews of the podcast. Reviews help the podcast grow. I really didn't understand this before we had our own podcast. I'll be honest. I had never written a review before we had our own, but now I understand that reviews are the best way to help the podcast grow and reach new audiences. So this is just our little way of saying thank you. So if you leave us a review on Apple podcasts, you will be entered into this giveaway every week going forward. All right, so let's get into it. Should I share my story first?

Yeah, sure. Let's warm them up.

All right, so my story was actually my very first foreplay experience. My very first time giving a blow job.

Did you had you, like, ever given a hand job before that, or do you went, like, straight to blowjobs?

I think I went straight to blowjobs.

Damn.

I don't really understand why, but I don't. Yeah, I think I went straight there. This was my boyfriend. We were very in love. It happened in a. Also in a very embarrassing place. Do you know.

Was it the. Wait, no, no. That was your first kiss? The, like, alley behind the rec center or. Or is it, like, by the library or something?

No, the. The rec center.

Okay.

Okay. I gave my first blowjob in my parents driveway.

Oh, my God. Yes, I. I did know this. Yes, I forgot. I had so many questions about how. How this worked. Like, where exactly?

It is not a private driveway. Let me just say that it's a shared driveway, and it's also, like, visible from within the house. And this first boyfriend that I had, we were extremely dangerous about where we hooked up with each Other, we were, like, obviously very horny little teenagers and, like, excited by the thrill of it. And, like, my parents were not one of those cool parents who'd, like, let your boyfriend sleep over. Do you have friends like that?

No.

I feel like your parents probably would have let a girl sleep over.

Oh, no, I don't think so. However, yes, I did have a friend who had the cool parents where they didn't really care what we did all night long, as long as we were, like, back home asleep by 6am and we're so not my. His mom would allow my mom to call his mom to Chuck. Oh, is Xander going to be spending the night? And she would always give the old seal of approval, and then she would, like, Peace. By 9pm she and her husband, my friend's dad, would be asleep. And it was like they were asleep in the other end of the house. Like, you could do whatever the fuck you wanted. That was not my parents. Yeah, it wasn't my parents either.

Okay. So, yeah, it was not a very private location. Very high likelihood of getting caught. And actually, we sort of did get caught, which I forgot to mention. We actually. We had a number of these, like, basically getting caught by my parents, but they didn't actually know what was happening. Like, my dad walked out. It was nighttime, so it was pitch black. He, like, walked out and was like, vanessa, are you guys out here? And he didn't see what was happening, but it was like he basically walked in on us. That actually happened other times, too.

Wow.

Yeah, we were bad. We were reckless little teenagers. So I guess that part of the story is pretty embarrassing as well. My dad caught me giving a blowjob, but he didn't know, so I don't know. But the super embarrassing part of it was I didn't know what I was doing. Like, this was my very first time doing it. I hadn't really learned what a blowjob, like, how to give a blowjob. I've talked before about how, really, my only sex education was established of Cosmo magazines that I found. The college kids who lived next door were trying to get rid of them, and I found them and it was like, okay, I think I'm figuring some things out. Cosmo magazine is a horrible sex education, especially in the 90s. But I really didn't know what I was doing. And so I got started. A couple of seconds passed, and my boyfriend very gently, very lovingly told me, vanessa, it's just called a blowjob. You have to suck.

And, you know, that was your first Your first experience with sexual communication. And, hey, we wrote a whole book on talking to your partner about sex. And here you are. Formative experience, formative age. The very first time it happens. You know what? Good. Good for him. He said. He said something. You took some feedback. It was embarrassing. It was hard, and you learned from it.

And then I think I took it too far to the other extreme. Like, I was sucking really hard on it. Like, I was like, oh, okay, sucking. Like, that seems intense. And he had to tell me again to, like, ease off a little bit. So it was. Was not a great first experience. I was very embarrassed, very confused. Still to this day. Why is it called a blowjob? It should not be called a blowjob. There's no blowing involved. Why do we call it that?

I don't know. I just sound. It just sounds so good to say blow me versus, like, suck me. Well, because also, it's like, people like.

Suck me sounds so weird.

Well, because you say, like, suck my balls. Suck my balls. Blow me. I don't know. It's kind of weird, though, because it's like you don't. You wouldn't. You don't really suck on balls the same way you would suck on a dick, so. But then you also say, suck my dick, so that's really confusing, man.

You know, I just. I just googled this. The roots of the term blow job, okay, date back to the 17th century, when to blow meant to bring someone to orgasm. So it's a very apt term, a blow job, like the job of bringing someone to orgasm. I guess it works.

Okay.

Oh, wait, hold on. Okay, I'm reading a little bit more. So in the 17th century, to blow meant to bring anyone to orgasm, but the term blow wasn't applied specifically to fellatio until 1930, when the first recorded use of it was in a pulp novel called Nell Her Life as an American Madam.

Wow. You might have to read that book.

This is very interesting. I've never really looked this up before, but it's pretty fascinating. Okay, and one final bit of trivia here. It says some people think that a blow job was originally called a below job, and dating back to Victorian prostitute slang, like a low job.

Below. Below.

The A below job. Yeah. Okay.

Interesting.

Wow.

Very interesting.

So I guess it makes sense, but, yeah, it was very confusing to young Vanessa.

No.

Do you want to tell your story?

Well, I. I thought of. I thought of one. I feel like. Okay, you mean my story as in our. Our first experience or.

I mean, it's not so much of a story. Just a little detail.

All right. Before that, though, rewinding the tape a little bit, I do think that maybe not. Not. There's nothing embarrassing about this, except it did feel a little embarrassing at the time is if freshman year of college, this. This girlfriend that I had for a short period of time, we would. We would dry hump each other sometimes with our. With our clothes on, as you do. Like, you know, before we were, you know, disrobing, and there was like, one or two times that I. I came before I even got my clothes off and kind of, like, didn't. I, like, didn't, like, I didn't, like, immediately tell her that I had had an orgasm because I was like, oh, this is like, I'm not supposed to come yet. Like, I'm like, you know, like, she's expecting to give me a blowjob. And I feel like one time I kind of, like, had, like, made an excuse for, like, why. Oh, shit, like, I have to go back to something.

And then, like.

And then, like, another time I think, like, I on her, and then, like, she was about to. To do me, and I was like, you know what? Actually, I got a little excited when we were dry humping and already came.

Oh, well, it's a similar theme with our story.

Yeah. Wow, man.

Like, Xander, just young Xander had not learned to control his orgasmic time.

You know, it's exciting when you, you know, you haven't really been with anyone for a while, and all of a sudden you are. You're with somebody new. It' exciting. I don't know. You know, this is.

It was very fast the first time that I gave you one. I literally was, like, just getting started. And I remember you saying, like, oh, that was just so good.

That was the right thing to say. That was the right thing to say. It was. It was good. It was. It was really good.

All right, well, let's get into our community stories. So we did something a little bit different for this episode. We had our team gather the stories and plop them into a document that we are looking at now. But neither of us have read them.

Also, instead of it being like, oh, Vanessa's read them, Xander hasn't, so he's gonna give you his hot takes now. We finally got to both give you hot takes.

Yeah. Okay, I'll read the first one. And our team member Emma has titled all of these. This one is called A Spicy Vagina.

I have a good idea of what is gonna happen before we even read.

This, but let's go I was dating this guy and we were hanging out at his house watching a movie. We decided to eat some snacks. And for whatever reason, this man decides to eat jalapenos. Oh, like, I knew the jalapenos were coming. But, like, who eats jalapenos? Just plain jalapenos as a snack.

Pickled jalapeno. Like, I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt and thinking, like, maybe pickled jalapenos, like, that's a little more palatable.

I don't know. Okay, fast forward about an hour and we're making out. Things are getting hot and heavy. He's touching me in all the right places. He starts going down on me and fingering me. He's like, you like that, baby? And I'm so into it. So I say yes. Then the burning starts. We all knew that was coming, right?

The wrong kind of burning.

I all about scream and tell him my entire vagina is on fire. Then proceeded to leave the room with no pants on and titties hanging out to go to the shower, where I proceed to run cold water on myself for, like 20 minutes. He couldn't stop laughing. And I have never felt a worse burn in my life. He rubbed jalapenos all around inside of me, and it was the funniest foreplay experience I ever had.

Ouch.

We have heard versions of this story many a time. Y' all gotta be careful with the jalapenos, the hot cheetos, the like, spicy sriracha.

Like anything spicy, anything on the genitals. I think it can happen to both penis and. And vagina, but I think it's worse for the vagina.

You think?

Well, because I think that the vagina is like, well, going. It's more internal and. And it is if it can absorb things very easily. Like, you can absorb, like, you know, whatever.

Are you thinking about people who do like the alcohol?

No. What I'm saying is that it gets into your bloodstream very quickly. So I would imagine, you know, it's obviously like sucking things up. And so if they're spicy, whatever, like.

It'S a suck job.

It's permeating that area very quickly versus a penis. Like, if you just, like, rubbed it there, you know, it's not like getting sucked into your bloodstream.

Here's the crazy thing too, about spicy stuff is if you wash your hands, like, that's not enough. No, it's not gonna come out. And especially when you then go to, like, touch extra sensitive genital skin. So if you're Doing any sort of cooking or spicy snack eating and you have a sense that you are going to be hooking up. Like, wear gloves. I know that sounds ridiculous, but, like, wear gloves or. I think if you soak your hands in milk, that might be an urban legend. But I feel like the milk actually does a better job at helping. I mean, that's why people drink milk after eating spicy foods. I think it can help on your skin, too. Yeah, I agree. Especially if you're chopping jalapenos. You got to wear gloves. Do not fuck around with the jalapenos.

All right, our next one. Move in. Disaster. So early in our relationship, I lived in an apartment that I never really fully unpacked. Still had boxes all over my room. One night, my roommate wasn't home, so I thought I would try to be sexy. I went out into the living room fully naked with my finger and motioned for him to come here. And I slowly backed into my room. Well, I tripped over a box and slammed. I mean, slammed my back into a wooden bedpost.

Oh, no.

Of course, I immediately stopped, slumped onto the ground, and started to cry. Needless to say, no sexy time happening. But we for sure still get a good laugh out of it to this day.

That sounds horrible.

This is kind of like my story. Like, you didn't actually even make it to the foreplay. Except mine involved in orgasm.

At least not your head slamming into a hard object.

Yeah. Have you ever had any sex injuries?

I haven't, actually. That feels weird. I feel like I should have had some sex. Yes, actually.

Oh, you know what? And I gave it to you.

You did? Recently?

Well, kind of recently.

A couple years ago.

Number of years ago. Yeah, we gave it to each other.

We were on vacation together. We were doing our own sex challenge.

I think the very first time.

It was the very first time. We were doing our own sex challenge.

We do our own shit, guys.

We were doing 69 and we moved positions and you. I don't remember if you elbowed me or I think you kicked me. It was like near elbow straight to the nose and gave me a bloody nose.

Real sexy.

Very sexy.

Well, I too. I've given myself a sex injury. I'm putting it in quotes. It wasn't like that bad, but, God, I don't know. Like probably high school or college. I was at home. So it was either like home for the summer from college or high school. And I was masturbating and I grabbed the wrong lotion and all of a sudden my dick starts burning like a minute in, like, the jalapenos. And I realized that I have grabbed this, like, lightly medicated lotion that I had gotten from the dermatologist. It had, like, a. Like, a little bit of, like, salicylic acid or something in it. And I was like, oh, my God, what's happening? And I was like, oh, shit. I just grabbed the wrong lotion. Whoops. That was before Xander discovered lube.

All right, here's our next story. This one is called Fleshlight. Literally, when my husband and I were newly dating, he went down on me and forgot he was chewing gum.

Wait, what? What?

How do you forget you're chewing gum?

Yeah.

And how do you not get down there and immediately just not spit it out or, like, grab it and put it in your fingers?

And there are so many opportunities.

I'm confused already.

I have never forgotten I was chewing up or just swallow it.

He finished up and came up and looked alarmed and said, where's my gum?

No, buddy, no.

You cannot do this. Oh, my God. Okay. We spent several minutes with his phone flashlight all up in my vagina trying to make sure it wasn't up there. It wasn't.

You don't think. I mean, it could be anywhere.

It had fallen out at some point and was stuck to his jeans. Probably should have checked some other places first before he was elbow deep with a flashlight in my vagina.

Well, but the good news.

I have so many questions.

But wait, the good news is he's way more familiar with her vagina now, and that's a huge. That's a huge win for everybody.

Okay. Why is he wearing jeans when he's going down on her? Why is he chewing gum when he's going down on her?

I am more worried about his gum chewing habits, honestly. If you are forgetting that you have gum in your mouth, you're somehow not able to know that you have gum in your mouth. You don't deserve to be chewing gum. I'm sorry.

Okay. If you're going through the humiliation of somebody having to search your genitals with their phone flashlight, would you rather there be gum stuck in you or rather not?

No, I'd rather it be stuck on their pants.

But then it was all for not. What if it was stuck in her pubic hair and she had to, like, cut it all off?

Well, I mean, no, gum doesn't get. I don't think gum.

Gum gets stuck in here all the time. Haven't you ever.

No, no, but it would have to have dry.

Like, then you have to, like, massage it out with peanut butter?

No. What I mean is that, like, if it was. If it was, like, 20 minutes later and it had totally dried, but, like, you know, it was recently wet. Gum, it takes a little while for that stuff to dry.

What are you talking about? Gum is extremely sticky.

Yeah, I don't know. I've. I've never had gum stuck in my hair. I did have a roommate my freshman year of college who came back to school from winter break, and he had, like. He had, like, hair down to his shoulders. Maybe he was growing it out. And he's like, I have, like, something embarrassing to tell you. I, like, somehow got gum stuck in my hair over break, and, like, I have this clump of gum in my hair, and I can't get it out. He's like, I've tried everything. I've done the peanut butter thing. I've done, like, you know, trying to wash my hair with, like, olive oil and, like, various things. Like, I can't get it out. And I was, like, feeling. It's like, yeah, like, that's a big, like, hunk of gum stuck in your hair. So after, like, all these things, he, like, left it there for a while. He finally is like, all right, I'm gonna go to one of the, like, nice hair salons in town and get. You know, get someone. Get a professional to deal with this. He gets down there, and the woman cutting his hair is like, oh, honey, this isn't a piece of gum. This is just a dreadlock. Like, you haven't been washing your hair enough.

Oh, that's foul.

All right, well, I think that we've said all that we can say about gum. Honestly, this makes gum sound less appealing to me. I'm not a huge gum person. Are you?

Just move on.

All right, well, fart face. I hate 69. It reminds me of being younger in, like, high school and having to rush to get done before mom and dad came home. So you did both at the same time? Like, this part. Get. Getting it done. I got. You know, you. You could have learned. Your younger self could have learned something from this person so you didn't get caught in the driveway. My partner really likes the 69, though, so every now and then we do it. The last time we did it, almost a year ago, I climbed up, and after a few minutes of going to town on each other, he spread my lips and cheeks to get in deep, and a huge fart that I was holding in came out right in his face. I was mortified. And we haven't 69 saints.

Oh, God, that's really embarrassing. To fart, like immediately in somebody's face and especially on top. In 69, it's just like. That is spread wide open right in front of your partner.

Though, to be fair, I feel like this could happen in any position. Like any oral sex position. Yeah, but I guess you're the face. You're flipped over.

Your face is more in the ass in 69. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's uncomfortable. What percentage of people do you think have farted during sex?

Like ever?

Any kind of sex? Yeah. Do you think everybody?

I for sure have.

Oh, yeah. You've not during oral? I don't think.

I don't think so.

But you, you farted during intercourse? A few times.

I really try to hold it in, but it's hard sometimes it just.

It comes on out.

But often, you know, it's. Often I do a pretty good job. I hold it. I hold it and then it kind of disappears. But it's a moment of uncomfortable clenching.

Detracts from the orgasm.

It does. It does detract from the situation. It's kind of, you know, it's dangerous. It can get you out of the mood.

All right, the next story is called Queefing with a Surprise. Emma, these titles are killing me. Okay, this literally happened just the other night. I was going down on my husband with my ass facing him, and he was fingering me. He finished, so it was going to be my turn, I guess he was, to quote Xander, air pushing me at a really weird angle. Do you remember that?

Oh, yeah, I do.

Air pusher. That's a deep cut. Air pushing me at a really weird angle. And as soon as I laid down, I queeved so loud directly into his face. We both kind of giggled and he was going to get to it. Then it happened again. We were laughing, and the more I laughed, the more it happened. It's never happened that many times. I swear. It must have been about 10 queefs. We were laughing so hard, we were crying and clearly the mood was killed. Then he says to me, was it the turkey we had for dinner tonight?

Oh, God.

So I got.

Oh, buddy. Oh, buddy, buddy.

So I got to explain to him how queefing actually works. And as the air pusher, it was actually all his fault. So we had a great laugh and he learned something. All in all, we turned a funny fail into a connecting moment before we could even get dressed. And while we were still naked and laughing, our three year old came in. It's a great detail.

Three year old probably heard him Laughing and like, hey, I want to join the party.

Okay, so if you've never heard of the air pusher, this came from an episode that we did where we talked about, I think was called, like, Quing.

Don't. Don't look for quing. You're not going to find any episodes. How do you spell. How do you spell it? Querf.

Q, U, E, R, F. I'm gonna come. I'm gonna save that in the back of my head, and I'm gonna name something else. Quing. I think it was, like, queefing and squirting and something. Oh, my. Yeah. So queefing is what happens when air gets pushed up into the vagina. It gets trapped because the vagina is a little cul de sac. So it gets trapped up there, and it makes a squelching sound as it comes out. And so queefing is something that most of us women feel really embarrassed and ashamed of. But we made the point in that episode that it is actually the partner's fault. If you are the one pushing air up into your partner, whether that's with your fingers, a toy, your penis, like, you are the air pusher. You're pushing that air up in there.

Air's gotta come out.

Gotta come out. So it's. It's really your fault. But I love. So we've had a lot of queefing stories, but I love that this one was, like. It just kept happening over and over and over again. And bravo for you, too, for turning this into a learning moment, a teaching moment. Teaching moment. I'm so excited to learn the truth about queefing.

Yeah. I'm so glad that we got to be a part of this too.

Yeah. Before we go any further, we want to tell you a little bit about our sponsors for this episode. First up, we have Dipsea. Dipsea is an audio app full of hundreds of short, sexy audio stories designed by women for women. And as a sex therapist, this app gets my seal of approval. I actually first heard about it through a client of mine who was struggling with low desire, and she came in one session, and she said that she'd heard about this app, she was trying it out, and she was really enjoying listening to these sexy stories. And so I checked it out at that point and was super, super impressed and have been recommending it to clients and friends for the last few years. So I'm really glad that Dipsea is now signed on to be a podcast sponsor. And I think the thing that strikes me about it the most is that so many people have just felt shocked by how big of a turn on it is to listen to sexy stories. You know, it's something that requires no effort. It's like a passive thing. You're just listening to this story, but it just can be so incredibly sexy, such a huge turn on and can make a shockingly big difference in your desire. So knowing that Dipsea is doing an extended 30 day free trial just for Pillow Talks listeners, it kind of feels like a no brainer. Like why not give it a try and see if it ends up being a big turn on for you. So we also really love Dipsea here at Pillow Talks because they're just a very values aligned business, which is something really important to us too. They have stories for straight and queer listeners, they're radically inclusive and 56 of their stories are voice acted by people of color. You can now listen to spicy audios by your favorite TikTok creators too. So they have actors, they have celebrities now TikTok creators. It's like kind of fun to hear a voice that you recognize telling you a sexy story. New content is released every single week, so there's always something new to check out. And for listeners of the show, Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day free trial. When you go to dipseastories.com/pillow, that's 30 days of full access for free. When you go to dipseastories.com pillow, that's dipsystories.com pillow let's tell you a little bit more about one of our favorite podcast sponsors, Cozy Earth. They make the most unbelievably soft linens. And I actually just this morning I got up a little bit early and I was just luxuriating in bed. I was rolling around in those sheets. I was feeling how soft they were. I was like, ugh, this feels so good to have a nice cozy, soft bed. We truly love these sheets so much. We have tried a lot of sheet sets. We're kind of like bedding snobs. Like we want to have nice high quality bed linens. We've tried a lot of different sets and Cozy Earth is by far and away our favorite. And we're so excited that we have teamed up with Cozy Earth and they are offering you 35% off. That's a huge discount when you use the code Pillow talks@cozyearth.com Cozy Earth's best selling bamboo sheet is temperature regulating and incredibly soft. Their luxury bedding is backed by a lengthy warranty so you can try it out, make sure you like it. And if you don't. It's really no big deal. And their bedding collection offers a variety of luxury pillows, sheets, blankets, and so much more. We are such big fans of these sheets. We know you will be too, if you give them a shot. And so we can't wait for you to try them out. Cozy Earth has provided an exclusive offer for Pillow Talks. Listeners today get up to 35% off site wide when you use the code pillow talks@cozyearth.com.

All right, next up, thumbs down. In our early dating, my husband and I were getting hot and heavy and he started to finger me. I asked him to use his thumb, meaning on my clit. Instead, he put his thumb in my vagina and moved in super fast, like he was giving many enthusiastic thumbs up. Needless to say, that move did not receive a thumbs up from me. I still blush and laugh when I think about it. Learn to be more detailed with him when making requests. Well, like, I guess I'm actually struggling with, like, what position was she in where. Where you could do it proper? Like, I think I'm guessing that maybe it was more like. But it's. It's like uncomfortable.

Like, I guess like, oh, buddy, that's so funny.

My wrist, like, doesn't want to move. Like, I'm struggling to move my thumb in a straight line up and down.

I can do it pretty well.

Well, but yeah, you're going. Tell me what position. Like, is she crouching in front of him? And he's just able. Like this. Try to do that. Try to stick your thumb out a little bit as it. Like in a. How you could actually. I don't know. It's awkward. I've never thumbed someone.

It's never been thumbed. Okay, the next one is called anal beads. Here we go.

We told you it was coming. Here it is.

A few days before our wedding, my husband to be thought we should try out some anal beads for fun. They were small and not too intimidating. He thought you pulled them out fast. Oh, no, I'm already. I'm already tensed up. He thought you pulled them out fast and that creates a good sensation. When he pulled them out, they literally broke and we freaked out. I was terrified I would need surgery right before our wedding and would be humiliated. I ran to the shower and fortunately was able to push them out. Never again.

Oh, boy. You're. This person is very lucky that they.

Like, you're really lucky.

End up in the hospital.

We have to give the golden rule of anal play. Anything going up your butt needs to have a Large flared base, meaning the base of the toy is much thicker than the shaft of the toy. Make sure that you've got that flared base with anything that you're putting up your butt. Any nurse that you talk to will tell you they have plenty of stories about people getting stuff stuck up their butt. So with anal beads, do not yank them out quickly. With anything that's going up the butt, do not yank it out quickly.

Even if you can get it in quick, that doesn't mean you can get it out. I mean, you can get it out quick, but it's gonna be very uncomfortable.

The sensation of something coming out of your anus, it's very sensitive and delicate. That's a very vulnerable time for a person. It needs to come out slowly. So the idea of, like, just yanking out the beads, that in and of itself is just. Just making me cringe internally, but the fact that they also just, like, snapped off inside is so crazy. That should not happen. But you're extremely lucky that they didn't get stuck and require surgery.

Yes. I think this is also another reason to talk through what you are going to do when you are trying something new. Not like, oh, yeah, let's do anal beads. And then you do it without any discussion of. Of, how are we going to do this? What do you know? Like, okay, you're going to do this, I'm going to do that. Let's do it after we have done this for 10 minutes so that I'm, like, warmed up. I feel like a lot of horror stories that we hear from people kind of come from deciding to do something, but then not actually talking through any of the details of it. Like making sure that your understandings of what you're actually getting into are aligned.

Can you imagine this, though? Like, the night before your wedding, you're in the shower, just crouching down, trying to poop out half of a strand of anal beads.

Oh. I mean, if it was the night before and then it was like, oh, yeah, sorry, guys, like, the wedding is off because I am recovering from, like, an anal bead extraction in the hospital.

Oh, horrible. You got real lucky.

Yeah. Moving on, Soapy mouth is up next. So my long distance relationship and I were at a hotel and she decided to give me a hand job. And she grabs a tiny bottle of shampoo from the shower to use as lube. A few minutes later, she decides to go down on me. And in the heat of the moment, it doesn't dawn on either of us what she's about to do until she puts her Mouth on my penis and gets a mouthful of shampoo, she immediately regrets it. GROSS. Then funny 15 years later.

That is the tricky thing about moving from hand jobs to blow jobs is most lubes, lubrication do not not taste good. You've got to be real care. I think I've had that experience of using like actual lube and I didn't really think about it and then it was like, like, it's so lube is tastes so terrible.

Oh, yeah. Especially if it's like silicone.

Yeah.

At least like water based lube is easier to get.

Like, no, it still tastes bad too.

Yeah. You know, I'm not saying it tastes better. What I'm saying is that water based lube is easier to like, you know, if you have like a wet towel, like something like, you know, you have a better chance of getting it off quickly. Silicone based lube is not coming off unless you, like, soap it off.

Okay, here is our final story. It's called Thanks a lot, Cosmo.

Thanks, Cosmo.

I'm really glad that I'm the one reading this one because, oh boy, Cosmo did me dirty for so long.

But we're also in business because of Cosmo. So thanks, Cosmo, for miseducating. Most Americans, most people around the world who chose to read your sex tip, we're here to clean up the mess.

In my early 20s, I read in Cosmo that men liked it when you licked their armpits. So the guy I was dating and I were making out and I was like, oh, I know what will turn him on.

This sounds like such a Cosmo tip. It's just like, oh, yeah, like, he'll just love it if you sprinkle some pepper on his penis. Or he'll just love like, oh, that's.

Not what it was.

Well, I mean, but that would be on his penis. No, that would totally be one that they would do where it's like, yeah, whatever. Just like, it was probably like mad libs at Cosmo. It was just like, he will love it when blank. Like, okay, cool. We just like grab one here, grab one there, mash it together. All right, cool. We got an article.

The one you're talking about is an actual Cosmo tip that I read that we talk about in our book Sex Talks, which is to sprinkle pepper underneath his nose right before he's about to come because it'll make him, like, have to sneeze and intensify his orgasm. First of all, that is not true. Like a pepper induced sneeze. Is not going to make your orgasm more powerful. Second of all, can you imagine being on the verge of orgasm? And I, like, reach over to the bedside table and I'm grabbing this pepper shaker and just start putting it on your face. And also, like, you can't direct it to right underneath the nose. Like, it's going to be all over your face, and you're just like, what is happening? I was about to come, and now I have a face full of pepper.

Yeah. Thanks, Cosmo.

What if it was a pepper grinder, too?

Something's like, I'm imagining. More like I'm imagining, like, the prep work behind this and more like like a super finely grated powder. Maybe like, maybe, like, white pepper that's, like, super fine. You have, like, a handful of it, and you're like, get a little on your finger and just kind of like. Like, you know, get it by the. Get it by the nose. And you're like.

Just like, how do you, like, sneak a thing of pepper into the bedroom? And your partner's like, honey, what's that on the bedside table? Like, are you having a snack later or something? Like, what's going on?

Yeah, I don't know. Not a lot of thought went into the logistics of how that tip would actually happen.

Okay, but back to the armpit tip. This actually was a tip that we tried out in one of our smash or pass episodes, the Foreplay Edition 1. I liked your armpit, and you licked mine. And I think you actually did kind of like it a little bit.

Yeah, it was fine.

You said it was fine, so. Yeah, it's not that bad, Cosmo. It wasn't one of your worst tips. Okay, wait, let's go back to this story. He was freaked out and confused. I, on the other hand, had never had such a crazy feeling. Instantly, my mouth was bone dry, all saliva gone. I started choking and coughing. He was wearing antiperspirant, and I basically just got a big lick of it so I could not produce saliva for a few seconds. It was the grossest experience. And that was the last time we made out. Thanks a lot, Cosmo.

Damn. Yeah. When we did this, we were very, very careful that it was before anyone had put deodorant on, because you don't want that in your mouth.

Oh, my God. All right, well, those are our funniest foreplay fails. Thank you for all the brave people who submitted these stories. These were some very good ones. Thanks for making us laugh. And we have some exciting news for you. If you want to make sure that you don't have foreplay fails and instead have the best foreplay experiences of your entire life. We want to introduce you to our.

Ultimate foreplay guides, which just got a major makeover.

Yeah. So these guides are our best selling, highest reviewed guides. They have really become our flagship product, like the thing that we have become known for. We have gotten so many incredible stories back from couples. So we love these guides and we are always looking for ways to make them better and better. So we did something that I am so freaking excited about. We made a serious investment in these foreplay guides.

We did.

To the tune of $10,000. This was really important to us. We got the techniques in these guides made into custom illustrated gifs. When I tell you this is the coolest thing I have ever seen, like, it is a custom illustration, a gif, or a gif, whatever you want to call it, and you can actually see the technique in action. So we had previously had them illustrated. So we were showing like, okay, here's where you put your hand. Or like, this is what position you're in. Or this is how the tongue is moving. But we thought like, like, we can make this even better. Like, let's show you the actual motion. Because what we're all about here is this understanding that none of us have ever been taught how to have sex and yet we all want to be amazing at it. So we made these guides as a totally shame free way of teaching people these techniques that we all wish that we already knew. And not only that, like, it's not only the basics of like, okay, here's how to give a blow job. It doesn't involve any actual blowing, but really like, next level techniques.

So, yeah, it could even. It's not. It's not even at this.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

Xander's brain just broke. I think we have to keep that in there.

Sure.

How many times did you just say, I want to go back and count. How many times?

I don't. We don't need to know. We don't need to know. All I was gonna say was that even if you already do have a, you know, pretty good idea of what to do, like, these can give you an amazing refresher and maybe some insight into a couple new next level techniques that, who knows, might blow you or your partner's mind.

And I will also just give you a little warning. Watching the gifts together, it's a little sexy. That's all.

I'll say.

So on top of the GIFs, we also recently created audio versions of the guides. So you're listening to Pillow Talks. Like, you obviously like having a little oral entertainment. A U R A L in your ear.

You like having us inside your ear.

That's horrible. Don't say that.

Am I blowing this pitch right here? Wow.

Gross. So you obviously like listening to things on audio. That's less creepy ways to put it.

Well, that's one way to put it.

So now you can listen along, like, podcast style, alone or with your partner. So just like our review of the week, who said that they like to, like, listen together with their partner?

Yeah, you can listen or read something.

That would be a very sexy road trip. You're listening to the foreplay guides, but you can't. Like, you gotta get to your hotel or your next stop or whatever.

Or do you. I mean, it could be a. How long can you make. How like, can you make it the whole drive? Or do you have to stop? Do you have to pull over on an embankment and hide from the woman on horseback? Hopefully someone recognizes that callback. That was another horror story.

That was. I'm not even gonna explain that one. We're just gonna leave that there.

Well, that's all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening and sticking around to hear us tell you all about the foreplay guides, which we think are absolutely incredible. Join us again next week when we answer your questions about my vasectomy.