Episode 145: What Your Partner Secretly Wishes You’d Stop Doing In The Bedroom

I'm going to go ahead and say this is one that 99.9% of women just do not like. I have actually never heard a woman say, this turns me on. And I think the reason for this is it makes it feel like sex is just about you as the penis owner. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Zander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Thanks to zocdoc for supporting Pillow Talks. Zocdoc is the only free app that lets you find and book doctors who are patient reviewed, take your insurance, are available when you need them, and treat almost every condition under the sun. Go to Zocdoc.com pillow and download the Zocdoc app to sign up for free and book a top rated doctor. Today's episode all started with a question that I was very curious to ask to our Instagram community. What do you secretly wish your partner would stop doing during sex?

Ooh, we going there.

I just had this idea for that question. I was like, you know what? I really want to know what the answers to this question are. And of course, we are socialized to believe that we're not supposed to talk about sex, that sex is just supposed to happen naturally, spontaneously, effortlessly. So most of us don't talk about it. And I think most of us, as a consequence of not talking about it, have at least one thing, at least, that our partner is doing that we don't really love, but we don't know how to tell them that we don't love it.

And it's probably something that we are doing or whatever, whether it's me doing it or your partner doing it or whatever.

Wait, you're doing it? I mean, like, if Xander comes into your bedroom and he does something that.

You don't like, we're not going there. We are not going there.

That sounds terrible.

However, what I'm trying to say is that, you know, it's not like it's not like you're trying to do a bad move. It's like we don't talk about sex. And so it's so easy for us to get These ideas of, like, oh, yeah, this thing I did one time with this one person I was hooking up with that. They seem to respond really well to that. Like, now, I think, is this, like, sex hack or cheat code? You know, my secret move? And then it's like, oh, well, that works so good with this person. Like, I'm gonna keep doing this. And the reality is that maybe it was good for that one person, maybe it wasn't good for that one person. Maybe maybe they were, you know, a little overly enthusiastic or faking or whatever. But so many of us have had that experience where we think we're great at something, and the reality is, well, one, that something that's great for another person is not necessarily. Almost certainly not as great for somebody else. And two, like, we probably didn't get very accurate feedback to even to begin with. So the deck is really stacked against us. So, yeah, if you think that you got the move, you're going to want to listen to this episode, because maybe it's not the move.

Yeah. So if you've ever wondered what your partner really thinks about your performance in the bedroom, then this is the episode to tune into. This is also going to be, I think, a really fascinating, voyeuristic look into what's going on in other people's bedrooms that they're not necessarily loving. And we're also going to have a sneaky way for you to start talking to your partner about those things that they are doing that you're not really loving.

But first, we got to give you our review of the week. This week's is literally the best. My boyfriend and I have only been dating a few months, and he asked if I had heard of this podcast. I had not, because I wasn't raised in a home where sex was normalized. Now we love listening and discussing the episodes together. I think that there are so many great takeaways, even if there aren't any issues in your sex life, we think it can be very useful for the future. It's a great way to break through barriers in other hard conversations as well. Thank you for all the laughs, conversation starters, and all the fun workbooks. Aw.

Thank you so much for this great review. So if you have not heard us talk about reviews before, they really are the best way to support the podcast. The more reviews a podcast has, and obviously the better reviews it has, the more likely Apple, Apple, and Spotify are to show the podcast to new audiences. So your review really helps us be able to help more couples. And we do this giveaway every single week as our way of saying thank you. Because we know, you know, it takes a few seconds to leave a review, and we just want to show you our appreciation. So here's how it works. Go to the main pillow talks page on Apple, scroll to the bottom, and you'll find the review section. Leave us a review there. And if you hear your review read on the podcast at any point in time, because you are entered automatically into our giveaway every single week. If you hear your review read, email us@infomtherapy.com and you will get to pick a prize. That's right. Review of the week has prizes. Okay, let's get into the episode. So first, I have to confess, the question that I actually ended up posting on Instagram was, is there something your partner does in bed that you secretly wish they would stop doing? And a lot of people took the in bed thing a little bit too literally.

Uh oh.

So leave it.

Leave it to Instagram to give us overly literal answers.

You know, we do have to censor ourselves on Instagram to avoid getting in trouble. So sometimes we say things like in bed when we're meaning, you know, like, during sex. So there were a lot of clipping your toenails in bed.

Oh.

Which I've. I have never in my life heard of somebody clipping their toenails in the bed. That doesn't even make sense to me.

Sometimes I sit on the edge of the bed.

But you sit with a little toilet or toilet.

No, I do not. Excuse me, ma'. Am.

Trash can. Trash can. Use it with a little trash can right there. I don't love that you do that, to be honest.

But do you know why I do it? I do it because there's the perfect little height. Yeah. For me to, like, rest my. My heel on the edge of the bed and for it to hang over that trash can so that, you know, my clippings go right in the cabinet.

Yeah.

I don't love it.

But you do do it right over the trash cans. It's not like they're flying everywhere, but, like, it doesn't make any sense to me to do it in the bed. They're flying everywhere. Toenail clippings are sharp. Like you're gonna get in bed and be all prickly. I mean, I don't know. It was weird. So, yes, a lot of clipping toenails in bed. There was also one unusual response that I was not expecting to get, and there were a lot of these responses, but people said wearing socks during sex, so Xander what is your opinion? Is it sexy? Is it not sexy to wear socks in bed? What do you think? Well, I hope you don't think it's sexy because I never wear socks in bed.

My personal opinion is there are. There's one type of socks that I think are sexy to wear in bed. And those would be, like, those, like, long. Like, long tube socks. Is that what you call it?

Actually, I don't know the names for them. They're like.

I don't know, like. Well, like. Yeah, like, long, like athletic socks. Or like. Like knee high. Knee high?

Yeah.

Or like. Like socks that kind of are like stockings. Thigh high. Yeah, I'm into that.

No, we're talking about, like, just little Hanes.

Like. Like the socks I'm wearing right now in bed.

Are you wearing socks in bed?

Sure am, baby.

Oh, boy. Wow.

I can take them off.

But it was interesting because. Yeah, when we first saw that, you thought it was a lot of women wearing socks. Because there is this misconception that a lot of people have. There have been a lot of articles written where the headline is, like, wearing socks leads to more orgasms. That's not true. It's an urban myth. There was one tiny little study done, but there was nothing about causation. It wasn't like, wearing socks will make you more orgasmic, but it was actually not the case. It was women complaining about their male partners wearing socks during sex.

Interesting.

You've never worn socks during sex?

Yeah. I mean, I think it's kind of weird to take all of your clothes off and then just leave the socks on.

I agree.

I mean, I get it if it's really cold, but also then, like, just get under the blankets, turn the heater on very often. Like, if it's cold, like this time of year, we'll, like, get into bed and kind of warm each other up, like, just cuddling. Because it's cold before we get started.

Yeah, I'm not a fan. If you had your socks on, I would say no. Please take those off. No.

What if they were. What if they were, like, super soft and plush and it was, like, felt really good to rub your feet against them?

No, it's just weird. Just socks is weird. Like, if we're having some sort of hot and heavy quickie where it's like, we can't even take all of our clothes off. We just need to, like, get to it right away. That's fine. But it's. If it's like, your butt naked, other than just socks. No, I'm not interested so question for you.

We have a term for what it is called when you have a T shirt, like a shirt on. Like you're dressed on the top but naked on the bottom.

Winnie the pooing.

Winnie the Pooing. Donald Ducking. What is it called? What should it be called if you are buck naked except for your socks?

Tubing.

Tubing. All right. We might need some better suggestions, like.

Reach out to us on Instagram. Vanessa and Xander.

Yeah. Are there any other cartoon characters? Maybe because the Donald Ducky just wear socks. Yeah, like that. It's just socks. I don't watch a lot of cartoons. Wasn't allowed to watch much TV when I was a kid. So I unfortunately don't really have that institutional knowledge.

Pop culture knowledge.

Pop culture. Institutional. I don't know what institution I'm referring to that pop culture knowledge.

So what I think is really interesting about this episode is that it can be a great conversation starter with your partner. So we know so many of you listen to these episodes with your partner. This is an amazing one to pause after we share each one or after we share our thoughts about it and ask each other, what do you think about this one? Do you like this one? Do you not like this one? So this is a great way to start talking about sex more openly. Get the conversation rolling. We wanted this episode to feel fun and lighthearted. There's not going to be any sort of shaming of, oh, how dare you do this, how embarrassing. That's horrible kind of thing. So this is a great one to talk about in your relationship. Okay. So we divided the responses up into different categories. We also asked people to share their gender when sharing their responses because we wanted to see if we were going to find patterns amongst the genders. And we absolutely did. So our first category that we're talking about is initiation. And let's start with the responses from women. So here are the most common responses that came up with things that women's partners are doing during sex that they secretly wish they were not doing. So big one was trying to initiate immediately after getting in bed. And we looped this one in with that as well. Or trying to initiate immediately upon waking up. Somebody actually phrased it as 0.2 seconds after getting into bed or 0.2 seconds after waking up. That's very quick.

Yeah, that is really quick. Which, I mean, leads me to believe that, you know, if I'm initiating, like, the moment that we get into bed, obviously I've been thinking about this for a while and, like, I've been Waiting to initiate. So somehow there's this idea that, like, oh, it's not acceptable to initiate until we get into bed. And therefore I have to wait, like until right when we get into bed. But then I can't contain myself. Just like, go ahead and do it right then. So my pro tip to all those of you that find yourself doing this, like, you can pre initiate or just initiate, like before you get into bed. Like, you could be like, hey, want to have sex? Like after we're ready and like in bed, Something like that. So that you don't have. So that you're seeding the idea rather. And then you know, like, whether your partner is into that or not. Maybe you could even ask, hey, are there any things that I could do as we're getting ready for bed that might help you be more in the mood or ways I could support you to be more in the mood by the time we get into bed. Or even just have sex before getting into bed. That's another great idea. But I really like the idea of like mentioning it before. That way you don't have to feel like, oh my God, the moment we hit the sheets, I have to do it.

Yeah. I think that a lot of people just have it in their heads that once I'm getting into bed, I'm going to sleep.

Sleep.

You know, I'm tired, I'm crawling into bed. Like, I just want to be done with the day kind of thing. So this is why we usually say that in bed. It's really a tough time to have that first initiation of sex. Like, you gotta be talking about it earlier.

Yeah. And unless you're getting into bed both expecting, hey, we're gonna get into bed and then we're gonna have sex. That's great. But that requires some forethought and some four initiation, so to speak.

Four initiations.

Four initiations.

That's an interesting word.

Pre initiation.

Okay, what about waking up immediately upon waking up?

I mean, I think that that's probably a preference. One, some people might be into that. Some people would. My guess is that the reason this is happening is the old morning wood and this feeling like, oh, I got a rock hard boner because I woke up with it. Like, let me use it, let me use it. So, yeah, I understand that. I understand that. You know, morning wood can be quite. Quite wooden.

Quite wooden.

Quite extreme. Like, it can be. It can be.

That is a terrible way to describe an erection. Wooden. It makes me think of pecker.

I was going to say quite hard. Oh, God.

We had A conversation earlier today about how Xander really hates the word pecker.

I do. I'm not even. I won't say it. I won't say it.

You're wooden pecker.

Okay, let's move on. Now I'm grossed out. But look, what I'm saying is that I understand, like, it can be stronger than normal, right, when you wake up. And so there can be that desire of, like, oh, I got to use this.

I got a good one.

I got to use this before I lose this. So I totally understand that that would be something that might be nice to talk to your partner about so that they understand where you're coming from. But I think the thing is, is that if you do want to have morning sex and both of you are into morning sex, maybe your partner just needs a moment to wake up. Is you can get that. You can get that boner back with a little bit of assistance. Like, it will. It will come back. It's not gone forever. So, you know, I think the more important thing is that your partner feels like they have whatever time they need to wake up.

The next one is waking me up to initiate when I'm asleep.

Who.

That's another strong, very controversial one. Some people are totally cool with this. Some people absolutely hate it. So this is definitely one that you need to discuss with your partner. Are we open to this or not? We have done this a couple of times in our 16 years together, and it has been some of the hottest sex of our entire relationship.

Oh, yeah. But I think the difference here is.

That you were asleep.

Both of us were asleep.

Both of us were asleep.

Neither of us were consciously like, oh, I woke up. I'm horny. I want to have sex. I'm going to wake her up to have sex. We were just both asleep. And who knows who started it.

You started it. Obviously, you started it.

How would I know I was asleep?

I know you started it.

I just woke up having sex with you.

That's called sexsomnia, friends. And that's a topic for another episode. Okay. Putting my hand on his erection as an initiation, I'm going to go ahead and say this is one that 99.9% of women just do not like. Actually never heard a woman say, this turns me on. And I think the reason for this is it makes it feel like sex is just about you as the penis owner. Like, oh, it's hard.

Let's go.

It's hard. Bring your hand over here and usually check this out. It's kind of like your partner will, like, grab your hand and, like, kind of forcibly. So it just. The whole vibe of it is off. It doesn't feel good, and it doesn't. As a woman, it doesn't give me any confidence that I. I'm in for a good experience. For me, it's like, oh, this is just all about him, and I'm not into that.

Yeah, like. Like, he's not even, like, trying to appeal to you at all or, like, get you turned on. It's like, oh, I just, like, popped a boner randomly.

Yeah.

It just feels empty.

It feels impersonal, and it doesn't feel like it's going to be a good experience for me. So that's one where I'm going to have a strong opinion and say, I don't think you're going to be very successful if you're trying to initiate.

Yeah. But if you are a woman and you do find this sexy, then this might be a great thing to tell your partner about, because your partner might be listening to this episode being like, oh, God, I better never do this. Right. So, hey, if you're into that, then definitely tell your partner, because I'm sure they.

And tell us, because I've never heard a woman who was into it, and I want to know. I'm sure there's someone out there. There's something for everyone. Okay. The next one was a really interesting one for me, so here's the response. Rushing the undressing. So when we were initially thinking about this episode, one of our team members, Emma, helped us put together the notes for this episode. And initially she had up at the top of the episode, she's like, oh, what if you guys share with each other, like, Xander, here's something that I wish you would stop doing. And we were thinking about it, and I was like, you know, we talk so openly about our sex life that there really isn't anything that I'm conscious of keeping from Xander. Or like, oh, God, I, like, secretly hate that he does this, but I don't know how to tell him. Like, we've. We've had a lot of really great open communication, but as soon as I read this one, I was like, you know what? That is a little piece of feedback that I could give you.

Okay.

I think sometimes you do rush the undressing, or we end up. We've talked about this. I think on a different podcast episode, we both rush the undressing a little bit, and we both wind. We both just, like, take our own clothes off often.

Yeah, we often. I mean, this is the pre initiation thing, I think we do a really good job. We do a good job of initiating, like, maybe outside of the immediate moment where we have sex. Like one of us might initiate like in the other room and it's like, oh, like, you know, would you like to go have sex? And so then we're like, okay, yeah, let's do it and then come to the bedroom. And since we've. We're already like, yeah, we're going to do this. Then it's like, oh, well, yeah, let's get, let's get naked and get into bed. Also, I think that when it's winter and it's cold. Yeah, it's more like it's like, all right, get the clothes off, get under the covers. Like, I don't want to get into bed, like in the clothes and then be like, trying to screw around with the clothes.

Well, undressing underneath the covers is very difficult. Yeah, you're like, like the pants and the bottoms especially. It's just like, who's getting down there and how do you get it off? And then the clothes are stuck under the covers. Like, it is a little bit difficult.

It's very teenage in like, not a, like, positive way.

I feel like, yeah, but I do like, I do like you undressing me. And I think that there's great opportunities to be like, very sensual, to be touching all over my body, like really drawing out the T's and the anticipation of it.

Yeah, we. So we should start outside of the bed rather than we go to like our, our own size of the bed, take our clothes off and get into bed.

I'm curious though, do you find undressing each other, does that do anything for you?

Mm, not particularly anymore. I think that's like early in a relationship that's like, it's like, oh, like this is gonna happen. Like it's happening.

Uh huh. But it's just something that like, personal preference. Yeah, personal preference doesn't really, like, excite you.

Yeah, it doesn't.

Okay. The next response was dumb sex jokes all the time as initiation.

Oh, this is a classic bad initiation style.

Yes. We have talked about this before and what it really originates from for most people is a discomfort with initiating. So we do it in a jokey way instead because it gives us plausible deniability. If our partner's like, oh, no, then.

You can say, oh, I was just joking.

I wasn't actually initiating. Like, it's a way of protecting yourself from the vulnerability of actually initiating.

Yeah. So it's like constantly doing the that's what she said kind of joke or something, just to see if your partner is like, oh, yeah, that is what she. And you're like, oh, God, it's on. We gotta go. But the thing is, it's almost never on when you do it all the time like that.

But I will say, you and I make a lot of dumb sex jokes, and we really like it.

I mean, it's kind of our job to make dumb sex jokes.

It is. But, like, I. I like it. I think it's funny. I think, you know, even the dumb ones are funny. I mean, if that was the only way you were initiating, I wouldn't like that.

I think that's the differentiator. Yeah.

I do think, like, to me, it's a way that we make sex feel more lighthearted and playful. So for us, it works. For some other people, it might work, but for some people, you might think, yeah, I don't really want to hear these dumb jokes about vitamin D and the sausage and Taco Tuesday and all that stuff. Like, just don't do it. Okay?

Just don't.

Okay. And this last response from women, this was not one of the most popular responses, but I had to include it because I actually have never heard somebody complain about this before. One woman says that her partner initiates by just pulling down her pants.

I can't imagine. I can't imagine this pants is her.

I can't even say it.

Pantsing. Pantsing is. I mean, that's a whole other thing. Like, is that what we're talking about?

Are we in third grade still pantsing each other? What is that?

Oh, my God.

I could not in a million years fathom being turned on by that. Like, that's a humiliation, humiliating experience. And I think that can actually feel very violating.

Oh, yeah. Like, this is a problematic one.

I'm just standing in the kitchen, or, like, putting something away, and you're pulling my pants down. You're forcibly Donald Ducking me.

Yeah, I guess. Like, what? Yeah. What reaction are you looking for? Like, what are you thinking is gonna happen?

Horrible one. That's another one where I'm gonna have a strong opinion and say, just don't do that. That is not gonna get you good results. Maybe there's one woman out there in the world who thinks that's funny.

Oh, my pants.

Oh, God, your woman voice.

I guess I have to have sex now. Shoot.

We don't like this one. Really do not like this one. Okay. And then from men. Oh, one thing that I forgot to explain at the Beginning of the episode is. The vast majority of our audience on Instagram is women. So we have far more responses from women and far fewer responses from men.

Also, though, this topic is initiation, and we know from the initiation survey that we have done that the vast majority of men, just in general, like it when their female partner initiates. There are not very many men that say they dislike their female partner's initiations. So we only have one for men here, and that kind of that. That matches the stats that we have on this.

So if you have some men in your life, get them to follow us, please, so we can get more results from men. But there were a few men who said, don't just shove your butt back on me in bed. Be more clear with your initiation. And that is the feedback overall that we've gotten from men about initiation in the past. They feel like their female partners are too vague with the initiation. Like, I didn't realize she was trying to initiate, or, you know, she told me later, oh, you'd rejected me. But I didn't even know that that's what she was trying to do. So just being more clear, making more of an effort.

Use your words.

Use your words. Okay, Next category is foreplay. So here are the responses from women. So the first one was another one that I was really surprised to see. I don't know if I've seen this many of these responses and this strongly held opinion about this. So many women said, stop putting your tongue in my ear.

Huh?

Like, they hate it.

Well, I mean, the ear is sort of an erogenous zone.

Oh, it's totally an erogenous zone. It's extremely sensitive.

Yeah, but I guess, like. Yeah, I don't know. I don't really. We don't really do tongues and ears here.

I mean, not regularly, but every once in a while.

And I feel like I kind of nibble your. I like to nibble your earlobes a little bit.

I think nibbling is better. And licking around the ear, like, the shell of the ear. What is the actual. What is the actual. Like, not inside the ear, around the edge. In my little fantasy smut books, they always call it the shell of the ear. And I always thought that was dumb, but now I can't think of any other way to describe it other than the shell.

But, like, they know what they're doing. Okay.

I think licking around there can be really nice because the ear is super sensitive. I don't mind a little bit of ear in the tongue, but I can.

Hear you mean, like, into like the ear canal. Like, tongue fucking the ear.

Okay. If you're tongue fucking it, that's bad. I can understand why you wouldn't like that. If it's too much too, like, hard or aggressive or like, too deep. Oh, God, don't do that. Xander's like, no, that's horrible. But I think, like a soft caress.

Yeah. Be gentle with that tongue.

With the tongue can be nice. So.

But ask your partner.

Yeah, A great. This is why you have to have conversations about all these. Do you like a little tongue in the ear?

Yeah. Or like. Yeah. Do you like your ears touched with a tongue at all?

Do you like your ears fucked?

Yeah. Do you, like, you want me to just. We don't need to have intercourse. We can just tongue fuck ears.

Okay. Being too rough with my nipples. That was another one. And especially, especially women who have breastfed. A lot of women are like, the sensitivity is off the charts. Like, I know boobs are fun. You like to play with them. You don't have them if you're a dude. But, like, please be more gentle with them. But again, another personal preference, one here. Like, I don't have the most sensitive nipples, so I like more rough play with the nipples. And I know plenty of other women do as well. So overall, the theme was definitely being too rough, but definitely something that you need to check in with your nipple haver about. Another common response was not cleaning your hands before touching her genitals. So that's another one where it's just everybody's got to do that. You got to wash your hands beforehand. Like, these are sensitive internal tissues. We got to wash hands. So make sure you're doing that.

Yeah. Like, yeah, especially, you know, if you work a job where maybe you're using your hands a lot and like, coming home and not cleaning up and going straight in for the touching. Yeah, our hands touch a lot of things.

Our hands are gross. Wash them before you have sex with anybody. The next response is one that we have heard so, so many times before. So we were not surprised to hear it here. Foreplay only lasting for a minute or less. Women want more foreplay. I think this is one of the most universal things that we can say, especially women in relationships with men. Like, foreplay just does not get the respect that it deserves. But we really want more. And I think most men just don't realize that for most women, foreplay is the main event. Like, we really over prioritize intercourse as male female couples. And the reality is that most women don't feel a ton of pleasure or even sensation from intercourse. So you're really missing the whole point if you are just driving right by the foreplay and going straight to the intercourse.

Yeah, I mean, I definitely have been guilty of this early in my. My sexual career, so to speak.

Your career?

Yeah, my career was sex. But, yeah, I think that a lot of guys get the idea, and probably because this is, like, what you hear in, I don't know, like, the very minimal sex education that maybe you're lucky to get if you go to a school that has it. But, like, you know, I just thought, like, oh, you know, you have to do a little bit of stimulating with your hands or your mouth, like, in order for her to get wet. And, like, she needs to get wet before you can have intercourse. And so, you know, it's like, okay, well, I just want to make sure that, like, I'm not gonna hurt her. And I think a lot of people are operating like that. Like, oh, well, it's all about the intercourse. So as soon as. As soon as it's wet enough, then we can move on to that.

No, you gotta spend your time on it. Foreplay is the best way. That's one of our sayings. Best way to bring a woman pleasure, make her feel good, make her feel more desire for sex. Like, do not rush it. Please do not rush it. We want so much more of it. Another common foreplay frustration. You are going straight for the clit way too fast. I think a lot of men think of the clitoris as this magic button that, like, I just press it. Press, press, press, press, press, and that.

Or it's like. Or it's like they would do to the clit what they would want done to their penis, which is like, yeah, just like, get to it. Like, touch it.

Yeah. But the clitoris is extremely sensitive. It has 2 to 3 times nerve endings that the penis does, all packed into a much, much smaller area. So it needs delicate, gentle, loving touch.

At least at first.

It's great that you know where it is, that you want to pay attention to it, but really ease your way into it. And similarly, I think, you know, I think a lot of men hear the word foreplay and they instantly think genitals like touching them, going down on them. But for women, foreplay is really a full body experience for us. Like, we want touching and kissing all over the body, so warm up the rest of the body first. And then even then, when you're going for the clitoris, like, very delicate, very gentle, like, just ease your way into it.

And every woman's clit is different. Like, her experience of. Of what she likes, what it feels like, you know, what type of pressure, what type of stimulation. So regardless of how many people you've been with and you thinking like, oh, yeah, I do this, this thing with this, like, specific routine with the clit and like, it's worked for everybody, blah, blah, blah, like, just forget about that. Because the way that each clit haver likes their clit played with is necessarily going to be different. And the only way for you to find that out is to explore and talk about it with them.

A lot of women also mentioned, like, just in general being too rough with the clit, like, too much pressure too fast with it. So I think in general, partners of women could just stand to really err on the more gentle side. Like, make her ask you for more.

Yeah.

Tell you like, harder, faster, like, yeah, because that's hot. That's super. But err on the side of being more gentle and let her tell you how to work up from there.

Yeah, make her beg for it.

Before we go any further, we want to tell you a little bit more about our podcast sponsors because we are so grateful that they allow us to bring pillow talks to you absolutely free of charge. So when ZocDoc first approached us and asked to be a pillow talks podcast sponsor, we went to our team and asked if anybody had used them because we personally didn't have any experience with the app ourselves. And we had several team members who reached right away and said, oh my gosh, yes, I've used ZocDoc multiple times. Like, I really liked it. I had such a great experience. I'm really excited for them to be podcast sponsors. So we checked it out ourselves. We felt like this is a really great app to share with you guys. So we're very excited to be able to tell you about it because we also understand that finding doctors can be such a challenge. Like, it's just anxiety inducing to be dealing with some sort of health issue. And then to have to. On top of that, find a doctor that you like, that has availability, that takes your insurance, that specializes in the thing that you need help with, like, it can really be a nightmare. So ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. So no more waiting awkwardly on hold with the receptionist. If you're one of those people who does not like having to make phone calls, you can book the appointments online. All of these doctors have verified reviews from actual real Patients. There are tens of thousands of top rated patient reviewed credible doctors and specialists you can filter specifically for ones who take your insurance are located near you and they treat basically any condition that you're searching for. The typical wait time to see a doctor booked on Zocdoc is between just 24 to 72 hours. That is it. And you can often even score same day appointments. Go to zocdoc.compillow and download the ZocDoc App App for free. Then find and book a top rated doctor today. That's z o c-o c.com pillow zocdoc.com pillow okay, next we have a couple of straight from bad porn moves that so many men in particular do and most women really do not like. So one, this is so hard for me to even describe because I hate it so much, but it's like you're basically just, just like sticking your tongue out during oral and like shaking your head back and forth. Please don't. Oh, don't do it. Don't do it. Oh, he's doing it. I hate this move. I'm done. It just like, it feels so, it's so slobbery. It feels kind of lazy. It doesn't create very much sensation. Like, oh, I just, I really don't like it. But you always see it in porn. It's just like, ugh.

I mean, like imagine her doing that to your penis. Like, what's that?

Slobbering?

Yeah, like she's giving you a blowjob and it's great. And all of a sudden she just.

Stops and goes, no, stop doing it. I don't like it. That move. And then also like slapping the clit. You see that a lot in porn where they're just like fucking slapping it. It's like, no, it's sensitive. Don't slap, please. Like again, some people like it. Totally cool. Everybody is unique and different. But unless your partner split specifically says that they like those two things, I would not do them. They're pretty universally disliked.

Think about how you would like your dick slapped and then imagine that it's two to three times more sensitive. That's probably what it feels like.

We also had jackhammering with the fingers. Actually, I think this, we could loop this in with a porn move as well where it's like you're fingering her but like really slamming it hard. Like, I think what you see in porn is very overly exaggerated moves because they're trying to like, you know, you need to make it look like something on film.

Like, what's really happening.

Yeah, like, slow, delicate movement doesn't really look like much when it's being recorded. So a lot of women were like, just. Just chill a little bit, please, please. And finally, we had changing techniques every five seconds. So this is another thing that I think men don't understand about female pleasure and orgasm. We really need consistency to reach orgasm. And I think a lot of men get excited when they can tell that she's feeling good and she's getting close, and they, like, switch it up. And even if she says, like, just like that or don't stop, he hears like, harder, Harder. Totally different technique. But all that happens when you switch up your technique all the time is it feels like it's putting us back at square one, and we have to work our way back to the place that we were. So when you find something that works, stick to it. Be consistent. You're going to have so much better success than changing the technique up every few seconds. Okay. And now our one and only response from men was, stop faking your orgasm. Actually, a number of men responded this. And they said, like, it's just not helping us. We're not learning what you like or what you need. We don't need our egos soothed in this way.

Yeah, it doesn't help anybody. And it just perpetuates a lot of these negative things that men are doing. Because the faking is giving. Giving partners of people who fake the idea that what they're doing is really working. And then they're gonna go off and do that, maybe tell their friends, and it's just like you're. It's. You know, it causes the wrong things to be done to people that don't want those things done to them. And then maybe they're even encouraged to start faking because they're like, oh, my God, this is so bad. Like, what am I. What am I even gonna do with this? It's just. It's just bad all around.

Let's move on to intercourse. So the two most common responses that came up for people of all genders were only doing the same positions every time. Like, there's no sense of variety. Like, there's a couple of positions that we do, and that's it. Like, people in general really seemed to want more variety during intercourse.

Yeah. And I think that, you know, if you hear this and you're freaking out a little bit, like, you know, because this is, you know, perhaps a bit, you know, at odds with what we were just talking about a minute ago of, like, changing technique Every five seconds. Like, it's not like, okay, you have to do three totally different positions each time you have sex, or you have to cycle through, like, 20 different ones. You can have your standby positions that you use most of the time, but just mix it up every now and now and then.

A lot of people also talked about the duration of intercourse. And there were a ton of people who said intercourse is too short and a ton of people who said intercourse is too long. And so this is another perfect example of a very important conversation that all couples should have.

Yep.

What is our ideal intercourse length?

I think we all might be surprised by the answers.

We all have these ideas in our head. You know, we grew up hearing songs about, like, doing it all night and, like, going all night and stuff. But a lot of people don't want it to last that long. So this is a perfect example of a conversation that all couples need to have. What is your ideal intercourse duration?

Yeah, the answer might surprise you.

And it's not like you need to get super specific here, like 6 minutes and 37 seconds or anything like that. But I just think most couples have never talked about it before. And you're operating under really different ideas. Like, one partner's thinking, oh, they wanna, like, go all night long, and the other partner's there, like, oh, my God, when are we gonna be done? So definitely important to talk about ideal duration. So then our responses from women were using spit as lube. Very common response.

And I think that's like a porn one.

It is a porn thing. And it's another one where I'm gonna say, like, don't do this. Spit is just. It's not good lube. It doesn't last very long. It dries up really quickly. It doesn't really even lubricate that well. Like, buy yourself some nice lube.

Unless this is something you're both super into. Because, you know, some people, like, spit in each other's mouths and stuff like that. Yeah, this is. If this is something that turns both of you on, like, yeah, go for it. But if you're like, oh, yeah, I know this really hot move, she's gonna love it.

In general, I think every couple should have a bottle of high quality lube. Another very common response was jackhammering.

Doesn't work with the fingers. Doesn't work with the dick.

With the dick. But again, another personal preference thing, I. I don't hate on the jackhammering. I think there's a time and place for jackhammering.

That's it, though.

Short Period of time.

That's. That's the key. I think when most people complain about jackhammering, it's like.

Like, that's all.

Yeah, that's all you're doing. Or it's like. Yeah, because it's. I mean, it gets back to the. The duration thing too. I think a lot of guys get this idea in their head that they need to last for, like, 20, 30, 40, 50 minutes. And, like, they're just like. They're thinking about jackhammering the whole time, and then. And then they're thinking about baseball and jackhammering. And it's like, that's just a recipe for a bad sexual experience. Like, you're not there with your partner. You're doing something that she doesn't really want. You're coming in super hot and heavy. Like, if that describes what intercourse is like for you, that, like, you go somewhere else in your head so that you can try to last longer so that you can do this thing that you've seen in porn. Like, let's wind that back.

Yeah.

Try to run some of these things by your partner and actually figure out are these things that either of us want. Because most people, at least to start with, like, things kind of slow and steady, and, you know, it's like a slow burn, and then the excitement can amp up and you can go a little bit faster. But, like, hey, leave the jackhammering for, like, you know, when you're trying to, like, come real quick at the end. Cause that's typically what it makes you do.

This is an interesting one. One woman wrote When I'm on Top, and he tries to help. Just let me do my thing. I think, like, when you're having intercourse, sometimes it's really nice when both of you are moving together. And, like, of course, there are opportunities to, like, fall out of sync, and that can be a little bit challenging. But, like, I do think in general, it's nice to have both partners participating in the movement. But definitely, sometimes when you're on top. I've definitely had experiences where it's like, the guy's trying to do too much down there, and you're like, I just, like, just let me get my rhythm. Just let me go for a minute. So I think that's a very. It's a really nitty gritty one. I wouldn't say, like, don't ever do it, you know?

Yeah, I mean, I think that. I don't know. It's. It's hard to say. I think when you've been with someone for a While usually you get a sense of, okay, yeah, we're moving together in a way that feels like, you know, there's like. It's synchronistic. Or was that even the word? We're moving.

Sure.

In.

In sync.

In sync, yeah. Like. Like our movements are in sync. This is feeling good. But I've definitely had the experience where, like, I'm trying to move in a certain way, and then it's like, ooh, that's not quite working. And I think that what. But, you know, the person on top needs to feel comfortable just saying, hey, like, let me. Like, like, let me. You, like, just like, let me, like. Or, you know, like. Like, be like, sit still. Let me. Let me do this or something. Let. Let me take control. I think that's a good line. Let me take control. Or like, yeah, like, tell your partner what you want to do to them. And I think that, yeah, there's. There's a time and a place for you guys to be kind of working together. There's also a time and a place where you want to do your own thing. Also. I read this a little differently too, of maybe. Maybe what she's saying is, like, when I'm on top, he tries to use his finger on my clit or something. And she'd prefer to do that herself. But again, that's another personal preference thing. I think that that's another great conversation to have. Some people, if you are inviting the clit to the party when she's on top, some people would prefer that he touches it. Some people would prefer that she touches it.

Okay. And last one from women was pulling out aggressively, which you had never heard of before. You're like, what does that even mean? But I have experienced this. Like, when someone.

I gotta get out of here.

It can be aggressive. I don't know how to describe it other than just like, yeah, it just. It's too fast. It's too hard. Like, just ease your way out.

Be gentle. Yeah. I mean, trying to go fast doesn't feel good for me either.

And our response from men, we had so many of this same response from men just lying there. Like, when women don't participate in sex when they're just. Starfishing is a common word that kept coming up over and over again. But men really want to feel like you're participating in the moment with them. Like, they don't want to feel like they're just doing sex to you. They want to feel like you guys are having sex together. Our next category, we are calling this one communication or Lack Thereof. Yeah. Or lack thereof. And we didn't break this one down by gender because we saw the same patterns across people of all genders. So the main one that came up here was just being totally silent. And we do have a separate podcast episode just about silent sex.

We do.

Most people are just not fans of this. It's like, it just. It doesn't feel good in the moment. It's like, are you there? Are you enjoying this? Are you hating this?

Yeah. I mean, it's like we have all these senses, and it's like, why would we intentionally cut out one of them in this? Especially the sense that gives us that, like, immediate verbal feedback. I think the only caveat to that, though, is that obviously everyone is in different situation in terms of how much noise they can make before others in the house hear them. And so I totally understand that that's a concern, but I think that that doesn't mean that you have to be completely silent. I mean, listen to that silent sex episode. We give a lot of. A lot of pieces of advice for how to get around this or how to drown out noise. But, yeah, some amount of verbal feedback, even if it's a whisper, can go so far.

Another common response was using words or phrases that I don't like during dirty talk. And by far and away, the most common response here was mommy. Women do not like being called mommy.

I've never thought of that. One's never crossed my mind.

Well, I'm not a mommy, so I don't think you would naturally think. I mean, maybe you could call me Mommy. M a m I, since I am a Latina.

But, hey, Mommy, there's an accent over the eye. So that's, you know, that's a different word.

But, yes, there are definitely a lot of women out there who are like, please stop using that word in a sexual context. Another person wrote in telling me to say something dirty. It puts me on the spot. And so this was, like, a really specific one. But I thought this was a very interesting one because it is kind of lazy and a little strange to just tell somebody, like, tell me something dirty. Like, if you want to talk dirty, like, you got to start talking dirty first.

That's a conversation you need to have outside of sex. Like, in a. In a neutral situation. Like, that's. That's something to bring up. Like, hey, I've been noticing that when we're having sex, like, you know, I say a lot of things to you, and, like, I'm not really getting any feedback back from you. I'm wondering what that's like for you. I'm wondering if you might be. Be, you know, open to doing some dirty talk with me, because it's something that really turns me on. I would really enjoy. Like, let's talk about how we could do that in a way that feels comfortable to you. But, yeah, putting someone on the spot in the moment is actually getting you further away from getting what you want.

And a couple of other people said, stop asking for the same thing, even though I've said no a million times.

Oh, is this like, oh, can I put it in your butt?

We do have an anal category coming up next. But, yeah, that was one of the examples that came up. But even, like, it was asking for oral sex or certain positions that people didn't like. And I. I do think this is a more serious one. That crop may, in some circumstances be crossing the line into, like, feeling like a boundary violation. Like, if I've said to you, like, hey, this is something that I really don't feel comfortable with, or even, like, this is something I don't feel safe doing, and you continue to pester me about that, like, that does not feel good.

Yeah.

So I think what you could say to your partner is, you know, let's say it's a less serious situation where it's just like, you know, I don't love doggy style. There's nothing wrong with it. I don't have any, you know, safety issues that come up around it, but it's just not my favorite position. Like, I think you could say to your partner, hey, I'm not interested in trying doggy. If I change my mind at some point in the future, I will let you know. But I would really appreciate it if you stopped asking me that. And I think in general, if you're listening to this and finding yourself thinking like, ooh, yeah, I do ask for this thing a lot, even though my partner has said no. You could say a similar sort of thing, like, hey, I want you to know this is something I'm really interested in. I've heard you say no, and so I don't want to pester you about it, but I would love. If you do change your mind in the future, please let me know. Or I would love for us to have a more serious conversation about the potential of ever trying it. But don't just keep pestering somebody with questions.

Yeah. And that they've answered. Ruins the mood in the moment, too. It's making you. Yeah. No, you know, you don't want. Yeah. If you especially In a long term relationship, you don't want to be consistently saying no to things in the middle of sex that, that. I mean it almost in a way it feels like you don't know each other very well or have that much respect for each other if that is needing to happen all the time.

Our anal category is next. The most common one that came up here for people of all genders was slipping the finger around the butt without asking. I think anal play is really something, you know, we need to get consent from our partners for any sort of sexual activities. Right. But I think anal play in particular, like, it feels very sensitive for people if they haven't had a lot of experience with it. So this isn't something that you can just do without asking. So this is another one I will definitively say, like, don't ever sneak your little finger back there without asking your partner. Like, just ask them, hey, like, is this okay? Does this feel good to you? Can I do this?

Yeah. Unless it's something that you guys do really frequently and you've talked about, like, hey, this is something that like we're both into and, you know, we kind of have like blanket consent. Yeah, like blanket consent to do this. You know, just like in general. Like, you know, Vanessa has my blanket consent to like, like touch my penis. Like, she doesn't need to ask, like, oh, like, can I touch it? Or like, can I put my mouth on it? You know, like, most people have kind of given like default blanket consent, but the reality is we should talk about this stuff. Like, yeah, hey, I'm always into this. I'm always into this. And if I'm not, I'll say something.

Another response was not using lube. Lube is non negotiable when it comes to anal. You absolutely have to use it. Do not try it. Do not try the old saliva as lube either.

No, it doesn't work.

High quality lube.

Yeah, and a lot of it.

And also pulling out too fast. We talked about this intercourse, especially with anything up the butt, you gotta pull out slow, please.

Yeah. If it's bad in the vagina, it's like 10 times worse in the butt.

And our final category, we called this one finishing and aftercare. And this one got pretty specific. So here were some of the responses that we got from women. Okay. A common response was falling asleep the minute it's over. A lot of women are like, you gotta stop doing this. Like, I need a little aftercare. I need some time. I want to kiss some cuddles. Let's Talk about it.

But, like, yeah, you gotta do better. You gotta do better, guys. And. Yeah. Well, there's. When we get to what men said, there's an interesting one that we can kind of contrast with this, which is interesting, but we'll get there. There.

Women also said not helping with cleanup, so feeling like they were just sort of left to clean up the bodily fluids. Which is a little bit of a tricky one, because if we're talking about a male, female couple where, you know, you're not using a condom or barrier or anything like that, like, it is in your body. But I think it still can be sweet for a guy to, like, offer to help or, like, at least grab you the tissues or a little towel or whatever.

Talk about what you want your cleanup ritual. Yeah. To be. It's not like every single time you have to say, oh, can I help you? Can I help? It's like, hey, this is. You know, I get that. You know, a bit more of the burden of cleanup falls on you because it's in your body. So what would be a nice, you know, what could we do every time? Are. Are there any ways that I could support you or help or whatever?

Okay, here's a very specific one. This one was from a woman about a male partner. So, Xander, can you explain why would a man be staring at a woman's vulva after they finish?

Well, I guess I. I can think of two reasons. One, he just really wants to see. See it since, you know, maybe he didn't get to see it that well during sex because his penis was in it.

But number two, because he raced through foreplay, probably.

Yeah. He raced through for. Yeah.

Yeah.

Dude, you had such a good chance during foreplay. You can finger it, you can stare at it, you can put your. Put your mouth on it. You get a great view. You can do it. Yeah. You can do so many things. If you want to ch the vulva, that is the time to do it. But the number two reason is he may have a bit of a cream pie fetish.

And what is a cream pie for people who might not know that is.

Watching the cum come out of the vagina. Okay.

And finally, we had. Always asking for feedback after we finish, like, asking, did you enjoy it? And one woman did say that her partner asks to rate their time together on a 1 to 10 scale every single time.

Oh, God.

So that.

I don't like that.

Yeah, that's a little interesting. But I will say, I think that after you have had sex is a great time to talk about how it went, like, you just had it. You have specific examples. You might not be feeling as nervous or shy or embarrassed as you normally might talking about sex. As. So this is one of my favorite times for people to talk about sex. I think that one of the issues that comes up is a lot of women, and this is again, particularly with male partners, a lot of men ask the question in a way where you know that what they're really saying is like, tell me I did a good job. Tell me I did a good job. I got a gold star. Right. And it doesn't actually feel like he cares that much about your experience. He just wants to feel like he's done a good job. So I will say don't ask, did you enjoy it or did I do a good job? Did you like it? Instead, I have two suggestions. One is for you to share something that you enjoyed about that. Like, you go first, but also ask your partner for specifics. So I think the, like, did you like it? Was it good for you? That's inviting. Just like a yes or no answer. Really Only a yes answer. Like, nobody's actually gonna say, like, no, I hated it. But I think what you're really looking for here is to, like, talk about the experience itself in a more open way. Not just yes or no, black or white kind of thing. So I think you said something like, oh, I really liked that last position that we tried. Like, what was your favorite position? Or I really liked when you went down on me. That technique that you were doing with your hands was so good. You know, so it's like getting into the actual detail of what happened rather than just, did you like it?

Yeah. And I think that, yeah, when you're talking about feedback about sex, it's like, yeah, great to talk about. You know, it's great to call out really exceptional times, you know, like, hey, this. Oh, this was. Oh, man, this. Like, I had such a great orgasm. Or, like, oh, that was so incredible. But I think what doesn't feel good, and this is why I don't. Like, the rating thing would be, like, if you were to say, like, like, oh, God, that was so much better than last time. Or, like, you know, if you're giving ratings out, like, oh, well, oh, so you said last time that was a six, and now you're giving it a nine. You know, that's. Then it's just like, oh, so you're like, you didn't actually like that. Yeah, so that. Yeah, that feels a little weird. Like, you know, sex is, you know, could Be whole. You know, a whole range of things. It's not always a 10. Yeah. So I think that is great. You know, when you do have what feels like an exceptional experience, to call that out specifically. And usually it'll be pretty obvious to both of you as well, given how you feel afterwards. But, yeah, it's like, it's not really worth getting into the, like, oh, yeah. Well, God, thank God we had way better sex than yesterday. And then finally, the response from men about finishing an aftercare was men not being happy when she grabs her phone the minute it's over. And I think that this one is like a. It's like she's closing the door on the potential for connection. Because the reality is most men have sex because they want to feel connected to their partner. And that moment right afterwards is like the prime moment to be able to feel connected, to bask in the glow of what you've just done. And it's like, if your partner picks up their phone right afterwards, it's like, one, you can't have that connection. And two, it's kind of this subtle signal of, like, did you even enjoy that at all? Like, you know, for him, he's probably like, oh, God, that was so great. Like, I kind of need to, like, lie here for a second and collect myself. And if, like, she's just like, yep, onto the phone, like, messages, Instagram, whatever. Like, I would probably be like, God, that must not really have been very good for her.

Yeah. All right, well, we hope this has been a really fascinating sneak peek at what's really going on behind closed bedroom doors. And we hope it has opened up some great conversations with you and your partner about your preferences in the bedroom. We also just wanted to mention that we have so many guides and resources for. For all of the things that we mentioned. We will put all the links in the show notes if you want to check them out, but if you want to get more confident and more exciting. Initiation, we have the art of initiation. If you want foreplay to be the best it's ever been, we have our ultimate foreplay guides. If you want intercourse to be more exciting, more varied, more balanced in terms of pleasure, we have next level, intercourse. We have a Dirty Talk 101 guide that has an entire exercise that helps you and your partner figure out the words and phrases that you don't like. So if you're tired of being called mommy in the bedroom, you gotta get that Dirty Talk 101 guide. We have a butt stuff guide as well. So tons and tons of resources. We'll put all those links for you to check out in the show notes, but otherwise, we would love to have you follow us over on Instagram. We're Enessa and Xander. We do really fun polls and question boxes to help us create all of these episodes. And you can get the conversation started, you know, even earlier than the episode comes out because you'll get all that podcast episode research. Yeah, help us help you come on to Instagram. Vanessa and Xander, let us know which of these things that we talked about today, which ones you like, which ones you dislike. Maybe you completely disagree with us about something that we talked about.

Yeah. Let us know how you feel about pantsing.

If anybody likes pantsing, I really want to know.

Or ear. Tongue fucking.

Yes, we've talked about some. Some interesting things today.

All right, well, on that note, I gotta say that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about nagging. Sam.