Episode 147: Your Sexual Fantasies Revealed

I totally froze up because that felt scary. Like one. I was on the spot. I didn't know what to say. My mind went blank. But it was like, God, it feels like I have to give this whole elaborate, detailed thing that I'm going to like. And I'm not sure. Someone's like, no, like, what we're doing now is.

What we're doing is great.

What we're doing now is good.

Yeah. I mean, that's the perfect illustration of what I think most people's experience with fantasy is. Hello, hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.

And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Thanks to Dipsea for supporting Pillow Talks. Get an extended 30 day free trial when you go to dipseastories.com pillow and thanks to Cozy Earth for continuing to support our podcast. Give the gift of a good night's rest with cozy earth. Get 35% off site wide when you use the code pillow talks@cozyearth.com all right, babe, well, why don't you kick off this episode?

What?

There's no better episode than to do a patented Xander Marin singing intro to an episode.

I was not prepared for this.

Come on, what is the topic that we're talking about today?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's your fantasy?

There you go.

Woo.

That was too many at the beginning.

I know. What?

What?

What? What? What? What's your fantasy?

I don't think there's a in the.

Fantasy and I'm pretty sure there is.

Can you sing any other part of the song? Remember, at least remember rough sex.

Make it hurt. In the garden or out in the dirt. Roll around, roll around. Georgia Brown.

Something like that's the way that I like it. Twerp. Or something like that. I think it is.

I think it is. I'm pretty sure it's a twerp. Names I have never.

I'm really calling them a twerp.

Yeah. Names I have never called you during sex.

And hey, maybe wait, I gotta.

Maybe I'll try now. Maybe I'll try.

Wrong about this.

There's also.

There's also like oh, no, no, we're wrong. It's. That's the way that I like it. Twerked.

Oh, twerked.

That makes a lot more sense.

That makes more sense. I kind of like twerp. Yo, twerp.

I like twerp. Wanna fuck twerp.

There's also the like. Oh, God. I had the line and then you said something and I waited. What is it? Oh, tag team, off the roof.

Tag off the roof.

It's something's like the car route. I'm pretty sure that's a line.

Tag team off the rope. Off the rope on the ocean. Are in the boat.

Oh, I thought it was like, off the roof of the car.

Wait, what's the rope like when you're wrestling? When you throw someone against the rope, like in like WWF wrestling. Yeah. And then they tag team in.

Oh, off the rope.

Who's having sex on the roof? Tag teaming on the roof. That sounds dangerous.

Ludicrous. Watches wrestling.

Okay, if you're not a millenn, then you're just like, what the hell is going on with this podcast? But hopefully we will do the lyrics to what's your Fantasy? By Ludacris.

Has anyone really not heard that song, though?

Classic. It's a 19. This is a song from the 1900s.

Yeah.

Makes me feel old.

Wait, wait, what year?

99.

99? Yeah. So that was 99 was my freshman year. My freshman year of high school, I believe it was. Yeah.

It's like a college song.

Oh, no. I mean, it was a song that was always played for the next probably 10 years, like at any kind of dance party function. Like I was gonna say, I'm pretty sure in high school, from freshman year onwards, like, that was a hundred percent chance that song was played at a school dance.

All right, well, obviously the topic of today's episode is ludicrous.

It's Luda.

We just did a total departure. We're like, I know this is a sex and relationships podcast, but actually we're just gonna do a whole episode about Ludacris.

Yeah. What do you know about Ludacris?

Very little. That's pretty much it. He's from the South. Atlanta.

Dirty South.

That's pretty much all.

I don't know anything else about Ludacris or Chris, I think, is what he started to become known as. That's about it.

Wait, he changed his name?

I don't know where people call him, like, Chris, like, you know, the end of Ludacris.

Okay. His name is Christopher Brian Bridges, born 9-11-1977. Ludacris is 46 years old.

Wow.

Wow. Born in the 70s. Okay. Anyways, we're moving on. I'm not reading the ludicrous Wikipedia page anymore. I kind of wanted to see how long Illinois. I thought he was like, uh, oh, repping Atlanta.

Uh, oh, we're peeling back the layers. This is a great podcast already.

Oh, my God.

What else can we find out?

We're really talking about fantasies. No more about Ludacris. Today we're talking about, where do fantasies come from? What do they mean? And most importantly and interestingly of all, we are revealing your top fantasies because.

We know exactly what is going on in that dirty little mind of yours. Oh, that. That kind of. Actually, it reminds me of those scam emails where, you know, you know the email, you have the email, and it's like. It's like, if you don't pay me a thousand dollars, like, I'm gonna email all your contact. No, it's like, I know that what porn you've been watching and what you've been doing, like, you, like at night, you dirty person. And like, the first time anybody gets that email, you're like, oh, my God, they have access to my camera. They know what I've been doing. And then you're like, wait, hold, hold on. Like, literally everyone gets that email and it's fake. So we don't actually know exactly what your fantasy are, but we might have a good idea. But first, we gotta give you the review of the week. This week's is honeymoon fast approaching? This podcast made me laugh. Think deeply, then start laughing all over again. Xander and Vanessa tackle hard topics with all seriousness and a good dose of funny that make my day brighter when I listen to a new episode. I'm soon to be married in just about three months, and this podcast has hugely helped me think of things to talk with my fiance about, especially sexual expectations. Any engaged couple getting ready to be married. I recommend this podcast to start learning everything you need to know. Thanks, guys, and keep up the good work.

Oh, thank you for this delightful review. If you have not heard us talk about reviews before, they really are the absolute best way to help the podcast grow. The more reviews there are, the more likely Spotify and Apple are to, like, show the podcast as a suggested podcast to other people, which is one of the primary ways that people find new podcasts. So if you have ever enjoyed the podcast, we'd be so grateful if you took a moment to go on over to the main Pillow Talks page on Apple Podcasts. Scroll to the bottom and you'll see the review section there. Just write a quick review and then we will enter you in our giveaway automatically every single week going forward. So if you hear your review read in an episode, email us@infovmtherapy.com and you will get to claim a PR prize. We do a little prize as our way of saying thank you for taking the time. All right, so let's get into the episode first. Let's talk about what is a fantasy anyway. And right away we get into problems because people have so many misconceptions about.

What fantasies are, all thanks to ludicrous.

I don't think things are ludicrous, but like, I think people have this very built up idea in their head of what a fantasy is. Like, things that we hear often are, I feel like my fantasy has to be super elaborate or really detailed. Like almost more of a storyline. Like a very elaborate role playing type of scenario.

Yeah. Or it has to be super, super kinky or like way beyond what you normally do.

And a lot of people feel like they have to know that they're going to absolutely love acting out their fantasy. Like there's a sense of like a fantasy feels like a commitment to a lot of people. Like if I say that's my fantasy, I, I have to know that I'm going to like it.

Yeah. Despite probably not having done it before. Which creates a bit of a conundrum, obviously. And a slightly different shade of this is I think a lot of people think like, okay, well if it's a fantasy then I have to do it or else I'll never really truly be satisfied in bed. It's like if you're thinking, if you ever think about something else, like somehow you'll never be happy unless you try it.

Yeah. Or even like another variation of that is like if I do act out my fantasy that then regular sex will never be good enough.

Oh. So it's sort of like this push, pull, like, okay, well I have to do it in order to feel fulfilled or to feel whole. But if I do do it, then I'm gonna like it so much or I'm gonna like it too much and then that's like the only way I'm gonna be able to get off. I think. Yeah, people really worry about that of like, oh well, I still want to enjoy normal things but like then I'm just like, nothing is ever gon excite me again.

So you can see how that definition just feels very high stakes and that a lot of People might feel like, well, I don't have a fantasy, when we're going to talk about that dynamic. But, like, yeah, I don't have all of those things. Or even if I do have it, like, I don't want to admit that I have it because it just feels so intense.

Or. Yeah. Or like. Or like it doesn't feel, like, big enough or strong enough to really meet that description.

Yeah. To count as a fantasy. Okay, so if a fantasy is not necessarily any of those things, then how do we describe it?

If a thought. If whatever you're thinking about doesn't meet that bar, what is it?

So our definition of fantasy is much, much simpler. It's just anything that piques your curiosity. And I've always liked using the word curiosity actually in place of fantasy, because I found that a lot of people respond better to curiosity. That being said, something really interesting happened when we were prepping for this episode. So in the past, we've polled our audience and we've asked, do you have a fantasy? And when we did it the last time, 77% of people said, no, I don't have a fantasy. But then when we asked, is there something that you're curious about trying in the bedroom? Around the same number said, yes, there was. So we even wrote about this in our book, Sex the Five Conversations that Will Transform youm Love Life. We had a whole section that was called, like, we're asking the wrong question. Like, don't ask your partner what's your fantasy? Because they're more likely to say, I don't have one. Instead, ask them, what is something you're curious about trying? So then here's the funny thing that happened. We redid this poll to prep for this episode, expecting the same results. But this time, 62% of people said they did have a fantasy. And only 58% of people said they had something that they were curious about trying to. So that's a huge switch. Like, in the past, only 23% of people said they did have a fantasy, and now 62, and this is just a couple of years in between. So I don't have an explanation for this. I was very fascinated to see that that much of an increase happened. And I was also very fascinated to see that fewer people were saying that there was something that they were curious about trying. Like, to go from 70, 80% of people saying, yeah, I'm curious, to only 58, and to have less people saying they're curious than people saying they have a fantasy. It was just. The data was so strange. And interesting to me. So we'll repeat this again in the future. But I think the point that I still come back to is I do like the word curious or curiosity better than fantasy because I think it feels lower stakes if you have. If you say, I'm curious about trying something in the bedroom, you're not going to feel that same pressure of, like, oh, it has to be this wildly elaborate thing. It has to be kinky. It has to be something I know I'm gonna like. Like, curious inherently implies that you don't know if you're gonna like it or not. Right. So I just think it's a better word for people to use. So I would encourage you to ask yourself, is there anything I'm curious about trying? And ask your partner, like, is there anything I'm curious about trying?

All right, so I'm curious about two things. I have two hypotheses as to why these. These data have changed. The first one is we gotta stop and take a huge pat on the back. Because it could be that this is something that we have talked about a lot with people over the last couple of years. You know, these are polls of people who follow us. And so over the last couple of years, people who are following us are getting more comfortable with, oh, yeah, like, it is okay to have a fantasy. Like, oh, like, curiosities and fantasies can be one in the same. So now people are more likely to be like, yeah, hell yeah, I do. It's not this scary thing where you freeze up. Like, I know that's happened to me before. I feel like I've told this story before. I don't know if I've told this story on the podcast, but, like, definitely someone that I've been with in the past asked me one time, like, you know, probably, like, in the middle of sex, like, hey, like, oh, like, what's your fantasy? And I totally froze up because that felt scary. Like, while I was on the spot, I didn't know what to say. My mind went blank. But it was like, God, it feels like I have to give this whole elaborate, detailed thing that I'm gonna like. And I'm not sure. Sounds like, uh, no. Like, what we're doing now is.

What we're doing is great.

What we're doing now is good.

Yeah. I mean, that's the perfect illustration of what I think most people's experience with fantasy is. And, yeah, I'll take the little pat on the back. Sometimes I wish we had two Instagram accounts.

Yes.

One that was like, people who've been following us for a month or less.

Oh, my God, we need it. Okay, genius Ide. We need to create a private Instagram account that we invite people to after they have been with us for a certain period of time for this. For this really intense social experiment that we'll do where we can pull two different groups of people now. Just kidding.

Okay, what's your second idea?

Okay, the second idea is that something else, socially or on social media, has gotten very popular since the last time we did that poll, and this time, and that is the rise of spicy novels on book talk on Instagram. Sarah J. Maas Everyone is reading smut kinky books, fantasy books like you have. You spent a lot of time reading books like this.

It was a professional obligation.

And you talk about it a lot on Instagram. And whenever we post about it, people go wild. So it would, you know, it stands to reason that if people are reading more stuff about this, they're, you know, it. I think it's. It's healthy in that it's helping people be like, ooh, like, this is fun. I get. I get a little bit of a zing from this I'm hearing. I'm, you know, I'm reading about things that likely I have never tried, and you got to, you know, pick and choose. Oh, that sounds interesting to me. That doesn't sound interesting to me. I would like to maybe incorporate a little bit of this or a little bit of that. So, I mean, it's not a surprise if that is more common. People reading this stuff and talking about this stuff. It would stand to reason to me that people are a little more comfortable with. Ooh, yeah, no, I do have a couple ideas.

Interesting. Well, I think we also have to talk about the differences between fantasies and desires.

Yes.

So I like to differentiate them in this way. Fantasies are things that you think about that turn you on or pique your curiosity, and desires are the things you actually want to happen. Because this is another very important thing about fantasies. It is normal and common to fantasize about something that you wouldn't necessarily want to try in real life. And this is another area where I think people really get themselves in trouble. They're like, I have this thing that I think about. It turns me on, but I do not want to do it in real life. And, like, what's wrong with me? People don't realize that that is so normal.

Oh, yeah.

Just having a fantasy about something doesn't mean that you have to try it out in real life. So some of the most Common examples that come up around this. One of the most classic ones is like, a threesome or group sex. I mean, this is something that I can relate to. Like, there are times when I think, like, ooh, the idea of a threesome sounds very sexy.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Really hot. But when I think through the logistical realities, like, what would that really look like to have another person in our bed to see you being intimate with another person? I'm like, yeah, no, I don't actually want to do it.

Yeah, I mean, I feel like the fantasy often is more like, you know, in the fantasy, you are dropped right into the middle of the scenario where all the, like, logistical stuff has been, you know, already happened, all the feelings or, you know, jealousy, whatever. Like, you're past all that stuff. It's just like, you're just, like, dropped right into the heat of the moment. And it's not like, you know, like, yeah, you're not fantasizing about, like, okay, yeah, like, how are we going to find this person? And, like, what's it going to be like when they walk in the door? And, like, you know, the small talk that we have before things get started and, you know, all that stuff. So I think, you know, that also might be a way to kind of help differentiate for yourself. Like, are you focused on just, like, the heat of the moment thing and nothing else, or are you intrigued by or turned on by the entire process? That. That's also an interesting thing to think about. But what I'm really curious about, like, if you're listening to this, is now that you can differentiate, like, fantasy from something that you have to or need to do. Does that give you more permission to have those fantasies? Does it help you feel less ashamed or more like just able to embrace more? Like, oh, this is something that I can think about. This is something I am think, thinking about. And this is something that I can think about without me being a bad person, without me needing to do something that I don't feel comfortable with that my partner doesn't feel comfortable with. Like, does that give you more permission to just, like, be who you are sexually and, you know, feel the things you want to feel and think the things you want to think?

I mean, that's definitely the hope with this episode. So let's spend a minute talking about, where do fantasies come from? You know, people are always asking us, why do I have this fantasy? Where does it come from? And I think people really want to have an explanation.

This is like, dreams.

Yes, very much like dreams. Like, what does it mean kind of thing. And this is a question that we don't really have the answer to yet. Like, as a sex therapist, I've definitely worked with clients where we could trace the fantasy back to a specific moment from childhood of like, yeah, that was the point where I first started getting interested in it, you know, and it's. It feels clear. But more often than not, there was no obvious connection. No obvious, like, oh, yeah, that's why I'm into the idea of threesomes.

Yeah. Yeah. It's not like, oh, okay, yeah, you walked in on your parents having a threesome, you know, on this day and time, and from then on, you can't stop thinking about it. But I do wonder, like, if you have a very, very specific, detailed thing, like, maybe it's more likely to come from something. I don't know what you think about that.

I mean, the times that there was a specific tie back to something was often like, if it was a physical object that somebody was into. Like, somebody who's really into leather or really into stockings or something like that. And it's like, you know, oh, I found my sisters stalking in the laundry bin. That kind of thing. But again, like, it's more often more common that there is no explanation for it. And similarly, I think a lot of people tend to think of fantasies as originating from trauma, especially some of the more intense fantasies like bdsm, which we'll get into in a bit. And that is absolutely not the case. It's not that, you know, we are just sexualizing all of our trauma and, you know, coming up. So I just think I understand the curiosity around, like, yeah, why do I feel this? And why. Why am I turned on by this? And it's great to kind of be curious about it yourself and think about, like, yeah, what does it feel like? When do I first remember feeling this? You can totally do that. But don't put pressure on yourself to come up with some crystal clear explanation for why you're into it. A lot of this is very random, like, food preferences, why do I like mushrooms but not oysters? You know, like, there's no. There's no reason for it. There's no deep psychology behind it.

Yeah, I mean, I think the problem with, like, oh, I have to tie it back to something. Or especially the problem with, like, oh, yeah, well, like, you know, an extreme fantasy is only coming from trauma. There's sort of this implication baked into that that therefore, there is an acceptable range of sexual behavior. And anything that deviates from this predefined Like, I don't know who would have predefined it, like, predefined by God, by society, by, you know, the president. I don't, I don't know, but that somehow, like, there must be this predefined set or like, bounds of, like, these things are okay, and then beyond that, it's totally not okay. And therefore the only way that you could want that is because. Because some trauma or whatever happened, like that starts to get like, yeah, well, that doesn't even make any sense. Like, where, where would those lines be drawn?

Yeah. Before we go any further, I want to tell you a little bit about our sponsors, because we love them and we love that they let us bring you pillow talks absolutely free of charge. So, first up, we have Dipsea. Dipsea is an app full of hundreds of short, sexy audio stories designed by women for women. They bring scenarios to life with immersive soundscapes and realistic characters. You can discover stories about second chance romances, adventurous vacation flings, and hot and heavy hookups. And there's a growing library of fantasy series with vampires, Greek gods, and fairy smut to explore the bounds of your pleasure. New content is released every week. So in between listening to your favorite stories again and again, you can always find something new to explore. So I first heard about Dipsea actually from a client many years ago. We were exploring her feeling really low libido, just feeling totally disconnected from herself sexually and wanting to understand, like, what she needed to get more turned on. And she had actually started exploring Dipsea before we even started working together. And she shared it with me. Like, I've been shocked that this app, just like listening to some sexy stories by myself, has actually done wonders for helping me feel a little bit more turned on. So I checked it out for myself. I really loved it. Just the whole interface, the app is amazing. The idea of it is amazing. And I continued recommending it to clients and just had so many people who really enjoyed it. So I love that they are now a podcast sponsor. I can share it with you. So many of you have reached out and said that you tried Dipsea and were shocked yourself by how much of an impact it made on your desire and your libido. So for listeners of the show, Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day free trial. When you go to dipseastories.com pillow that's. That's 30 days of full access for free. When you go to D I P S E A stories.com pillow, dipseastories.com pillow and let's tell you a little bit more about Cozy Earth. I am currently recording this Cozy Earth ad from my Cozy Earth draped bed. I have the sheets, we have the pillowcases, the duvet covers, and Xander and I are absolutely obsessed with obsessed with Cozy Earth. Cozy Earth makes the softest, most luxurious and responsibly sourced bedding in the world. They've made Oprah's favorite things five years in a row. Their bedding is ethically sourced using premium viscose from highly sustainable bamboo. It's naturally temperature regulating and breathable so you can sleep more comfortably all year round. I know that you are going to love your Cozy Earth sheets, but they also come with an incredible hundred night sleep trial, which means you have up to 100 nights to sleep on them, wash them, try them out. If you're not completely in love, just return them within 100 days for a full refund. And they also have a 10 year warranty against defects. So whether it's their luxury bedding, ultra comfortable loungewear, plush bath towels and more, get cozier with Cozy Earth. If you've never tried Cozy Earth, I've got awesome news. You can save up to 3.35percent off Cozy Earth right now. Go to cozyearth.com and enter promo code Pillow talks at checkout for up to 35% off your first order. That's cozyearth.com promo code PILLOW Talks Next, let's tackle a big question. Is it normal to not have any fantasies? So when we were doing these questions about fantasies on Instagram, we put up a question box and just said, like, you know, what questions do you have? How can we help out with this area? And then by far and away, the number one question that people put into that box was, is it normal that I don't have any? So first of all, let's just answer that question. Yes, it's normal. It's okay. It's acceptable to not have any fantasies. Nothing is wrong with you. It's not a bad thing. Like, it's totally fine if you don't have any. And at the same time, maybe now that we're shifting your definition or your understanding of fantasies, maybe that creates the space for you to realize, like, oh, there actually are some things, you know, if I'm thinking about it as a curiosity rather than I have to guarantee that I'm gonna love this, like, yeah, there are some things that I'm curious about trying, but I just always like to be clear that, like, there's no hierarchy here. Like, you're not a better person. If you have fantasies or like, the more fantasies you have, the better of a person you are like, if you get through to the end of this episode and you're like, yeah, no, still wouldn't really describe anything as being a fantasy to me. Like, that's fine.

Yeah. I mean, at the end of the day, you still have the same sexual organ. You still have the same nerve endings. You're still capable of feeling the same amount of pleasure as anybody else. It's not like, oh, in order to get the most out of sex, we have to have these things that we secretly want or that we want that we don't get very often. And that by getting that thing that it's going to be so much better, like, beyond anything else. Like. Yeah, yeah, that's not how it works.

So let's talk about some reasons why you might feel like you don't have any fantasies. Like, obviously a big one is all those misconceptions that we talked about a few minutes ago. Maybe you've just never made an effort to discover your fantasies. It just isn't something you've spent any time or energy on.

Yeah. Or maybe you had an experience like I did, where you got put on the spot and, you know, asked the question about fantasies in a moment where you didn't have the time or the space to really think about it. And ever since then, you maybe felt a little ashamed about that interaction or maybe you felt bad about yourself. So of course, of course you wouldn't be thinking about that on a regular basis. It took me a long time to be like, oh, yeah, you know, that happened. And that was definitely. It kind of messed with my head a little. And like, no, like, I'm not. Like, no resentment towards the person that asked me that. It wasn't like a messed up question to ask. It was just like, I re. I responded poorly.

Well, I definitely recommend not ever asking somebody in the middle of sex what's your fantasy? It's just. Just too high pressure a moment. Too high pressure of a question.

Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, she. Yeah, she didn't know that, though.

Yeah. Other things that might come up, like you might be scared of your fantasy or ashamed of your fantasy. We're definitely going to talk about some fantasies in a minute here that a lot of people feel ashamed to admit that they have. Or you might be worried about being judged by your partner. Like, I don't even want to acknowledge this to myself because I feel like there's no way I could bring it up with my partner. So we have some questions for you to help you figure out your fantasies, like maybe potentially uncover some that you haven't thought of before. So here's one question. What is something you are even remotely curious about trying?

You can also think back to what are some of your first memories of learning about sex? Because I think there's something there of like, you know, when we first sort of start coming of age sexually, before we actually know that much and before we have started to pick up on, like, okay, what are the generally accepted bounds of like, what is and isn't okay? Like, you probably had some thoughts or ideas or things that just sort of naturally came to mind. And so it's interesting to think back to those things.

You can also think about, like, your top five sexual experiences. Are there any common threads in those experiences?

Or what do you think about when you masturbate?

Have you had any sex dreams? And if so, what was the content of those dreams?

What are your favorite sex scenes in books or movies or on TV shows?

If you got paid a million dollars to write an erotic novel. So in other words, like, you have to write an erotic novel.

You have to.

What would you write about?

What activates each of your senses the most?

And if you could press a magic button that would ensure that your partner had a great response and would guarantee that you had a great time, what would you be curious about trying?

Yeah. So this is kind of like what I was saying earlier. Like, if you were just dropped right into the middle of it, no setup necessary, no feelings, no not, you know, nothing to worry about, and it was just happening, like, what would it be?

Good old magic button. So what is everyone else fantasizing about?

Yeah, I mean, that's what you came here for, right? Right.

I mean, we're all curious, right? Like, what is it that people really fantasize about? Like, when you can interview people anonymously and really get to the heart of it, like, what are the things that we're truly thinking about? So we polled our Instagram community about their top fantasies, and we also looked at research that was done by Justin Lehmiller. He wrote an entire book about fantasies. He spent a few interviewing thousands of people, like, figuring out fantasies, and he came up with the seven most common ones. So we're going to start with that. We're going to go through them in order of how frequent these fantasies came up, and then we'll share with you some of the other ones that our community members shared with us.

Yeah, thank you, Justin, for doing that. Good, hard work on fantasies. I know there's not a lot of research being done on this stuff. There's not. No one's, like, offering grants. Really? Yeah. I mean, this is amazing research on sex. So good for you.

Okay, so the number one most common fantasy is multi partner sex, including threesomes and group sex. 89 of people said that they had a multi partner sex fantasy. Men were more likely to have the fantasy than women were, but women had them very frequently as well. And I think it's really important to note with this fantasy in particular, like, one of the big misconceptions that comes up is people tend to think, oh, if you're fantasizing about sex with other people, it means you're dissatisfied with your current partner. Like this sort of like, oh, you suck at sex, so I have to bring other people in to make me feel happy and satisfied. But that's absolutely not the case. Justin actually took a look at people's satisfaction levels in their own relationship, and there was no correlation with. Of people fantasizing about multi partner sex and feeling dissatisfied.

I mean, plus, like, the Greeks and the Romans have been doing this for thousands of years. Oh, I mean, like, I.

Sorry, is this your Roman Empire?

When I. When I say the Romans, obviously Sanders.

Version of the Roman Empire, you're thinking about the Roman orgy.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah. You know, I'm thinking about group sex. Genius. You know what? Yeah, that is what this. You know, I solved that whole. I solved that whole trend. They're not actually thinking about rose and emperors just thought. Or they're just thinking about drinking wine and having orgies. Let's be real. Let's be real. Caught you guys. Caught you.

All right. The second most common fantasy was power, control and rough sex, including bdsm. So Justin kind of looped all of these things together into one overall, like, power and control category. This is such a common fantasy that only 4% of women and 7% of men said they have never had a BDSM fantasy. Wow, that's wild. Right? So I know people hear bdsm and their brains often go to extremes of what that means, but this category included some pretty tame behaviors, like one partner wearing a blindfold, or like, one partner just kind of being more in control of the moment than the other partner. Now, interestingly, Americans were more likely to want to give up control than take control during sex.

Interesting.

Yeah, we just. We want to be bossed around. Pain was also a part of this category. 60% of people fantasized about inflicting pain during sex. Whereas 65% of people fantasized about receiving pain. And women were much more likely to have pain fantasies than men were.

Interesting.

And again, this is another one where I think people go a little bit extreme with this. Like, you hear the word pain and sex and you're like, oh, my God, like, who are these kinky people? But this could be something like one partner spanking the other. And it's like, yeah, it's causing me a little, like there's a little tingle there, but it's not like punching somebody in the face.

A tingle, not a zingle.

A tingle, not a zingle, exactly. This category also includes what I would say is the most controversial fantasy, which is forced sex fantasies, more commonly known as rape fantasies. And this is most common with women. Women have. A lot of women have forced sex fantasies. And I think people get very scared of this fantasy because actually being forced into having sex, you know, being assaulted in some sort of way is a horrific experience. Experience that unfortunately, far too many people have had real life experience with. So I think it's extremely, extremely important to be clear that nobody is fantasizing about actually being assaulted. What people are fantasizing here is the power dynamic of like, ooh, somebody is really taking control and like, pushing me into doing it. But I'm a willing participant. It's like a, oh, no, no, I couldn't possibly do that. And I think for a lot of women, it's playing with this dynamic that we've been socialized to believe that, like, as women, we are supposed to put the brakes on with sex. You know, we're like, not supposed to say yes to it. We're not supposed to be too eager. We're not supposed to be easy or slutty. And so there's this kind of taboo way that a lot of us women are like, oh, I want to be convinced into it, or like, I'm not actually saying yes, and therefore I'm not being a bad girl. Somebody is like pushing me into doing it. But again, it's not that you're actually being assaulted. This is a consensual non consent.

Yeah, I mean, it's like you've sexualized the socialization that you've gotten from an early age. I mean, it was not, not a surprise that you would sexualize something that you, you know, received from an early age of, oh, you shouldn't be like this. Yeah, you need to, you need to do certain things or say certain things. And, and you know, that's happening as you're coming of age, going through puberty. And so, like, of course, you know, you add a little sexual spin to that.

Yeah. So when I talk about these kinds of fantasies, I prefer to call them ravishment fantasies rather than rape or, you know, forced sex fantasies. Because the word ravishment, it's like, you're seducing me. I'm initially like, oh, no, I couldn't possibly do that. But you're so sexy and you're so attracted to me that you convince me, and I'm like, oh, okay, well, now we have to do this kind of thing.

Ravage me.

Yeah, you're ravaging me, ravishing me. So it's, you know, most women, when they're having. When they're thinking through this kind of fantasy, it's not a, you know, a scary like, oh, I'm actually being forced. There's a violence, there's a boundary violation. You know, there's fear coming up. It's more of that, like, oh, no, no, I couldn't. Ooh, okay. I guess I have to kind of thing.

Yeah. But even if the fantasy did include some level of fear or boundary violation, again, that doesn't mean that that's something that you need to have happen in real life to be fulfilled or to actually enjoy the thing. It just gets back to that distinction, you know, we've been talking about from the very beginning that, you know, sometimes a fantasy is something that you do want to try, and sometimes it is not. And it's. It is not. This one to one correlation of if you're thinking about it, you secretly want it.

Yeah, absolutely.

All right, so the third most common category of common sexual fantasies are stuff in the sort of novelty or adventure variety range. So that could be like, sexual activities that maybe you haven't done before, like oral, anal, playing with toys, being in different positions, having sex in unique or different settings, or having, like an unexpected sexual encounter.

This is kind of a grab bag category.

Yeah. So, you know, stuff where, yeah, it's like, like you've never done it before, or maybe you've barely done it before or it's been a really long time. And so it's sort of. You're thinking about, like, oh, it would be fun to do this new thing or this thing that, you know, I didn't really, like, do it right the first time or I didn't really enjoy it, but I'm curious about how it could be. And, Vanessa, do you know what the most common position is that people fantasize about in this category?

I mean, Obviously, I know, but why don't you tell us, Xander?

It's doggy style. People fantasize about doing doggy style, so maybe you should try doggy style tonight.

Woof, woof.

And then the fourth category is kind of similar to this, but a little more in the extreme direction, like more taboo or forbidden sex. So stuff like exhibitionism, voyeurism, or playing out certain fetishes.

And rounding out the list, we had number five, swinging partner sharing, polyamory. Number six was intimacy, romance and passion. And this is one that surprises a lot of people because again, we hear the word fantasy. We think very elaborate, kinky, over the top kind of stuff. But a lot of people fantasize about just like passionate sex. So I think this category is the biggest opportunity for people who started this episode thinking, I don't really have any fantasies. It's like, yeah, it counts. If you think about having, like, romantic sex or like feeling really connected to your partner during sex, like, that can absolutely count as a fantasy. And finally, we have homoeroticism and being a different gender. So the most common fantasy in this category is people who identify as straight but fantasize about same sex encounters. And this is a lot more common with women than it is with men. And this is another great example of one that people get a little bit freaked out about. Well, if I'm fantasizing about having sex with another woman, does that mean I'm secretly gay or, you know, secretly bi? And so on the one hand, we want to encourage people to explore their sexuality. Like, to explore. Yeah, maybe. Am I turned on by this? And is this something that I want to try exploring and experimenting with in real life?

Okay, question for you. Have you ever fantasized about being a different gender?

I've. I guess I would say, like, I've daydreamed about it, like, oh, what would that be like? And what would I do? But not in a sexual way.

Oh, really? Oh, I definitely, I definitely have. And this actually, this is like a good one for me to tie back to one of these other ones or you know, of one of the tips we gave you for, like, like, you know, questions to figure out your fantasies. It's like I feel like kind of early on in puberty, that was something that I fantasized about a lot because, like, you know, until I had actually, until I'd actually been with a woman, like, I was very intrigued by, like, oh, well, like what, you know, what do those, what do those female genitalia look like? Like, what might it feel Like. Like what would it be like?

I mean, I've thought about, like, what would it be like to be a man and, like, being the, you know, being the penetrator, but not in a. It hasn't felt like a turn on to me, really, to think about it.

Yeah, I mean, it's not something I really find myself thinking about very much anymore now that I, you know, become familiar with. With, you know what? I don't. Obviously I don't know what exactly it is like for you or for a woman, but, you know, I'm familiar with how those body parts work. But yeah, I mean, also some of it might have been a bit of jealousy. Like, once I figured out, once I learned that, you know, men have a refractory period and women can, you know, experience more orgasms more often than men can and possibly even stronger ones, I was definitely curious, like, oh, what would that be? Like, just, you know, one after another.

All right, and let's round this out with some of the other answers from our community. So by far and away, like, the answers that we got from our community really lined up with Justin's research, like those top seven. But there were a couple of other things that we wanted to share with you. And some of these, like, arguably you could fit them into the categories that he described, but we just wanted to share a few other ones. So, Xander, why don't you read us the one from the men?

All right, so that would be face.

Sitting, a popular topic for our reels.

Yeah, so that would actually, just to be clear, that would be someone sitting on your face, not you sitting on someone else's face, trying anal and getting pegged.

And other female ones were age gap, like somebody who's a lot older, a lot younger than you, a power gap, like a student and their professor. Angry makeup sex Cheating was a very common one. And almost all the women who responded that was their fantasy, like also wrote in a message immediately afterwards saying, like, but I would never actually cheat. Prime example of a fantasy that we're just keeping as a fantasy. And then we also had sex with a stranger and good old double penetration. And let's leave you with some more creative fantasies, let's say some of the more detailed and elaborate ones, which, again, your fantasy does not need to be detailed or elaborate. But these were interesting ones. And I also found it interesting that almost all of these came from women. We didn't have men sharing, like, the more detailed fantasies.

Come on, guys, get more detailed. Get more creative.

All right, here's what we had. I'M in a sexual experiment and the researcher comes in and has sex with me.

Oh, that sounds like a good experiment that, you know, is probably not going to pass peer review.

My military husband in full uniform goes down on. On me. My husband is a prison guard transporting me, a prisoner, to a new location. Sex on a fluffy white bed in the middle of a greenhouse.

Very specific and kind of random. I like that.

Sex against a bookshelf in the library. Been there, done that. And it was hot. I will tell you. Sex with them. It was not with Xander. Sorry.

I was about to say wasn't me. I don't think. I don't think. I don't think I could do that. I think I would get in my head about. Not a big.

It was very stressful.

I'm not a big, like, voyeurism or. No, not voyeurism. Exhibitionism person and. Or. I mean, like. Yeah, when it comes to sex. Sorry. Not to say I'm, like, taking my clothes off everywhere, but what I mean, okay, at our.

He's an exhibitionist, but not when it comes to sex.

I'm a non sexual exhibitionist. No, no. Sorry. I feel like now. Now I really need to clarify that. Wow. What I mean is it turns me.

Off, but I like to take my clothes off.

Yeah, my. My kink is turning myself off.

Amazing.

No, to clarify what I mean is, like, okay, like, if I'm at a. If I'm at, like, a hotel or something, or even like, at our house, we can't really see. We have, like, a decent amount of privacy at our house, but, like, you know, not, like, complete privacy. Like, I don't really care, like, walking around naked. Like, someone's gonna have to really go out of their way to see me or, you know, like, going in our cold plunge or something. Like, if someone was waiting with some binoculars, like, yeah, maybe they see me naked, but, like, whatever. Like, good for you if that. If you took it upon yourself to go to all that effort anyway. Yeah, no, I feel like I would get very stressed out about, like, is anyone going to see? Can anybody hear? Like, so that I wouldn't really be able to perform. So. Not for me. I'm glad you got to experience it. Okay. But it sounds like it was stressful.

Other ones. Sex with a male superior in his office, where he bends me over his desk, getting dressed up in Marie Antoinette attire and having sneaky, forbidden sex.

What is Marie Antoinette attire?

Like, full, like, petticoats and corsets and, like, wigs and all that kind of stuff.

Sounds like a lot of work to get those clothes off. Hopefully you can do it like with the clothes on.

Sure. And finally, erotic couples massage with my wife side by side, and we both get a happy ending.

Oh.

So now that we've revealed all the fancies, if you're feeling curious about exploring some of your fantasies and maybe curious about exploring some desires, like what are the things that you actually want to try out in real life, we have an amazing resource to get you started. We created a sexual bucket list that lets you and your partner go through over a hundred sexy ideas to help you discover desires and experience more pleasure. For just $29, you can start to reveal your sexual sweet spot. Make your own sexual bucket list. So if you want to get started with that, you can find it@vmtherapy.com bucket that's vmtherapy.com bucket and we'll put the link in the show notes, too.

All right, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we do a special episode that we are going to be calling help me understand my partner's perspective. Sam.