Episode 162: “Is This Normal?” Part 3 — More Questions You Never Dared To Ask Out Loud

Xander has made some very strange mid orgasm sounds.

It's always, it's the best, the best orgasm. That's how you. That's how you know once it's really.

I think it's really weird once it.

Gets into like nine or ten territory.

Like, who knows? All bets are off.

Who knows what's coming out?

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Go to zocdoc.compillow and download the Zocdoc app for free. We are back today with part three of our is this Normal series. So these are all questions that you might be a little bit afraid to google. You're curious about it. You want to know obviously, like, is this normal?

But you're kind of worried that maybe it's not normal. Maybe something's wrong with you and you don't really want to know.

Well, I mean, you do want to.

Know enough to do, but you don't.

Enough to put it in our Instagram question box when we did research for this episode. So if you've never heard this series before, we also did episode 105 and episode 91. This is a brand new batch of completely different questions. So if you liked it, you can definitely go back and check out those episodes as well. If you want to know more, is this normal? Kinds of questions, but today we are getting into some good ones. So without further ado, we're going to.

Get into this week's review of the week. Wow. This one is so synced up with the episode that we're doing.

Wow, our team, it might have been a coincidence.

Our team is really, really on top of it, making it topical. This week's review is. Thank you for making me feel normal. Vanessa and Xander. Thank you for making me feel like I'm not the odd woman out. It is so easy to go down the rabbit hole of shoulds and is this normal when consulting with friends about your relationship, but listening to your podcast has given me such a healthier outlook on things, as well as the tools to have more effective communication with my partner. Pillow Talks has episodes for everyone to connect with, no matter the topic, no matter your situation. I wish I had found this podcast sooner.

Aw. Thank you so much for this review. It really does go such a long way in helping the podcast grow, helping us get in front of new people and help more couples. So we really appreciate you taking the time to leave a review. If you've never done it before, here's how you do it. You go over to the main Pillow Talks page on Apple Podcasts, scroll down to the bottom and you'll see the review section there. You can just leave a quick review. It doesn't have to be long, just a couple of sentences. But as our way of saying thank you once you leave a review week going forward, we automatically enter you into our Review of the Week giveaway. And if you hear your review read in an episode, you can reach out to us@infomtherapy.com and we will give you a prize, a very special prize that you are going to want to win. So thank you guys so much. We really rely on your support to help Pillow Talks grow. So thank you so much for helping the podcast.

All right, let's get into it. Vanessa, first, I have a question for you. That's not actually one of the questions.

Oh no.

That people left. But I'm going to start out with this. Is it normal to think that you must be abnormal when it comes to sex?

Oh, good one. It's common to think that you are abnormal when it comes to sex. And that's because we just don't talk about sex that openly. I mean, that's why we're so passionate about what we do, why we're so passionate about this podcast. Because there just aren't enough conversations out there. So everybody is left feeling like something is not right with them. They're not normal, they're broken or alone in some way. I think it's a normal human tendency to feel alone in pretty much anything we experience. But when you layer that with this taboo, you know, not talked about topic like sex, it just makes you feel even more alone. I mean, I have definitely had the experience even being in this field for over 20 years. I've had the experience of feeling like, ooh, is this normal? Like, am I the only one experiencing this? So it's common but not normal. So I here's my little secret is I hate the word normal when it comes to Sex. Because I just don't think there is such a thing as normal. Like, we all are unique, we all are different. We have different kinds of experiences. It would be very boring if we all, if there was like one normal version of sex that we all had. Like, I can't even imagine what that would look like. So I don't really like the word normal. I don't think it's very helpful. But it is common to feel that way.

Interesting. So it's like, it's more what the more important question would be like, is this human that I am doing this thing? And, well, the answer to that is always going to be yes. Assuming you are not.

Is this human?

Assuming you're not an AI?

You're an AI listening to this podcast.

I mean, I wouldn't put it past any AIs. I mean, I mean, where are they going to learn about sex?

True. Maybe we are. We're teaching the AI about sex.

That would be great.

Okay, I'm actually going to ask you the first official question because I've actually never seen this question pop up in our question box before. But I thought it was a great one and I want to get your male perspective about this. Is it normal that my husband isn't instantly turned on when he sees me naked?

Instantly? Yeah, I would say that that is quite normal. I mean, the reality is in a long term relationship, you see your partner naked a lot. Like, it becomes pretty normal to see your partner naked. Right? So there's some, there's some degree where you are just like getting used to the fact that being naked around each other is kind of a commonplace occurrence and in a way would be kind of inconvenient if you were immediately turned on every single moment you saw your partner naked. I mean, you, you guys would have to like, sneak around each other when you were changing and stuff. If it's like, oh, I gotta get out of the house to go to work quickly, or like, oh, I need to like, change before, you know, we go meet up with our friends or something. I can't let my partner see me naked because it's gonna throw everything off.

Okay, so you're focusing on something sl different than I am. You're focusing on the instant part. But I think what she's really asking about is like, has seeing me naked just become so normal and common that it's now boring to my husband?

No, I would not. I would not go like all the way in that direction.

Because I'll say I have felt that before sometimes too. Like, I'VE been naked in front of you and you don't notice at all. To be fair, like, we are naked around each other a lot. But there definitely have been times where I'm like, oh, he didn't even know this, that I'm just over here fully naked.

I mean, I think that when it comes to being naked in a long term relationship, there's maybe two. There's multiple types of nakedness, of nudity. Like, maybe there's sort of functional nudity, like, oh, I'm taking my clothes off because I'm putting some other clothes on or whatever.

Functional nudity versus, you know, giving your.

Partner a little, like a little show, maybe a show is too far, but kind of, you know, putting some effort into, like, ooh, hey, like, check me out or look at this, or something like this. I think that it has more to do with your intention, perhaps.

When are we wanting? Because there. I think this is kind of a funny game that a lot of us women play. There are some times where we get naked and you get turned on and we're like, oh, leave me alone. I'm just trying to get into the shower. So there are some times where it's like, it can feel annoying to us or we're like actively trying to tell you, like, don't look at me in that way. And then there are other times where you don't notice and we're like, why don't you notice me?

Or like, or like, you're testing, like, oh, let me just get, like, let me take my clothes off. And, you know, not really be putting any effort into showing my partner that I'm naked. Let's just see what he does. And, you know, and then, you know, there's like a confirmation bias there. You're like, not really putting any effort into, you know, hey, check this out. And then, like, he doesn't really notice. And then it's like, oh, he must not care about me. So I think it has to do with more like the energy that we put into our own nakedness, into our own nudity.

Really? Like functional nudity? Yeah, like cracking.

Yeah, like, I mean, are, are you trying to. Are you just naked because you need to be naked in order to change clothes or get in the shower? Or are you naked because you want your partner to see you naked and you're kind of putting out, like, hey, check out my nudity.

Well, I think we all want to be noticed, you know, but there is, I think this is one of the tricky things about being human. And it comes up around love, too. Like, sometimes we can just be so specific about how we want to be loved. And there's this like. No, not like that. No, not like that either. No, not like that either. You know, and it's just this kind of. We're playing this game of Goldilocks and the bear, you know, like, that's. That's too hard. That's too soft. I'm looking for the just right type of thing. And I think that really comes up so much with sexual attention and desire. And I think particularly in male female relationships, like, on the women's. On the woman's part. And I can speak to this from personal experience, too. Like, there definitely have been times that I've experienced that as well. So I think part of it is us being clear on when it is that we're wanting attention and maybe, like, trying to catch our partner's attention a bit more. Like, you know, being a little playful with it. Maybe you're, like, taking your clothes off and, you know, sometimes I'll throw a piece of clothing at you. Yeah, it's like, I'm trying to get your attention over here, buddy. Maybe it's feeling into for yourself. Like, what are the times when you don't want that attention on you or you're just trying to be functional, Functionally nude. But I also think, you know, as partners, I do think it's important for us to make an effort to see our partner and to call them out and give them validation. But this is also a really great conversation for partners to have too of, like, you know, when does it feel good for you for me to, like, call you out, cat call you, like, give you compliments? When doesn't it feel good?

And I mean, hey, in this specific example that this person wrote in about, who knows, There could be other factors at play. Like, for example, you know, if. If I'm just putting myself in the husband's shoes, there could have been a number of circumstances where perhaps he did notice her naked and it was an annoyance. We're like, oh, she's trying to get in the shower. She's trying to do something. And then he, you know, was made to feel bad about that. And so then he goes, oh, okay, well, it's not really safe to, like, call this out to like, to like, show her that I like it or that I'm turned on because, you know, a couple times, you know, maybe I felt bad about it. So that's why it's so important to talk about it, because this could be a super just misunderstanding where, you know, they talk about it and he's like, oh, yeah, no, like, I notice you all the time. But I thought that, like, I was annoying you, so I stopped calling it out.

All right, well, let me ask you the crucial question. After 16 years and seeing me naked tens of thousands of times, is my naked body so exciting to you?

Like a bottle of fine wine? It just keeps getting better with age. I love it.

Okay. Thank you.

You're welcome. Hey, what about me?

You are also like a bottle of fine wine. I'm still excited seeing your naked body, too.

Thank you. That. That fine wine that I don't drink.

Yeah. I was like, I don't need another. What's another fine cheese? I was about to say that too.

And I was like, I don't want to be an aging cheese. That's not good.

We need examples of other things that age really well.

What is not alcoholic, that ages and is a positive thing and, like, doesn't smell like cheese. Help us, please.

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P okay, let's continue. Vanessa. All right. I recently found out that you're supposed to feel turned on during sex. Just to be clear, this is someone else, not me. How do you know if you are turned on?

This. Okay, so this is another question that I had to grab because I've never seen somebody ask it in this way.

But sometimes it's really good to get back to basics.

Yeah. Well, so first of all, like, this, the question honestly made me really sad. This idea that somebody has gone their entire sex life, like, not understanding that they're supposed to feel. To, like, feel desire, supposed to want to have sex. It makes me super sad thinking about, like, how many times have they said yes to it or just gone along with it that they didn't actually want to have? And of course, if you're in circumstances like this, like, the quality of the sex you're having is not going to be good. The connection to your partner is not going to be good, and it may even get into circumstances where it feels, like, unsafe or unwanted. So, ugh, My heart goes out to the person who asked this question. So, yes, you are supposed to feel turned on before and during sex. You're supposed to want the sex that you're having and feel excited about having it. Now, of course, this can vary. It's interesting because, like, this is one extreme and the. On the other end of the extreme. Is that how you say it on the other end of the extreme? On the other end of the spectrum. The other end of the spectrum. There's a different extreme on the other end of the spectrum where I think sometimes people put a lot of pressure on themselves to be very turned on for sex. And I think we've gotten to this point, we're actually putting so much pressure on desire that there's, like, more emphasis on desire than the actual enjoyment of it. So these are two ends of the spectrum, different extremes. So I think we need to be somewhere in the middle. There needs to be some amount of desire and excitement. There definitely needs to be consent. But it doesn't need to be this, like, overwhelming, intense, wildly passionate, uncontrollable kind of desire.

All right, well, let's talk about. What does it actually feel like? How do you know if you're turned on? I mean, I think, like, at a basic level, what I would say is feeling this desire. Well, I guess like a desire for some kind of sexual activity, a desire for more. A desire to like really want to continue doing what you're doing or moving in the direction that you're moving. It's just like this feeling inside that you really want more of of what you're having or you are finding yourself really wanting some type of sex.

I mean, I think there's a comparison that we can make here with hunger. Like, I typically don't like comparing hunger and desire because hunger is like a biological need. Like we have to eat to survive. We don't have to have sex to survive. But I think it's the best example here. Like you feel when you're hungry and you want to eat something, you're feeling something inside that's telling you, I need to find some food. So it's not like with desire, it might not feel super strong, but it's that a little bit of like, yeah, I want to connect with my partner in some way. It can be like physically we're wanting some sort of physical release or wanting to physically feel pleasure and feel good. It can also be more like emotional intimacy. Like I want to have sex with my partner so I can feel close to them, so I can feel connected to them. There is also physiological arousal is a part of getting turned on. That's like things happening in our body to get us ready for sex, like getting an erection, getting wet. But with somebody who is really unfamiliar with the concept of being turned on, I want them to spend more time paying attention to their head. Like, what is it that they're wanting in their head? And I would also recommend, like, if this feels just like such a foreign concept to you, I think seeing a therapist or a sex therapist could be really beneficial. Again, because the consent issue is just so important. I don't want somebody like pushing themselves to have sex that they don't actually want to have. So doing a little bit of therapy to tap more into. Because my guess is that if you don't have a strong sense of wanting, like knowing when you want sex, you probably also struggle with knowing what you want in other areas of your life. Maybe you're going along and being a people pleaser or going along with what others want in other areas as well. So that's something. And then finally, I also also want to mention asexuality. There are plenty of people, about 1% of the population is asexual where you don't have a desire to have sex and you choose not to have a sex life that's completely normal. It's common. It's okay to make that choice. There's Nothing wrong with you. So if you're somebody who's like, I have never understood the appeal, I don't get it. I don't feel desire. What are you talking about? With this whole hunger comparison, like asexuality might be something for you to take a look at. It's a totally valid sexual orientation and unfortunately, most people don't really know about it. So I would do a little research for yourself. Before we go any further, we want to tell you a little bit about our new partner, HelloFresh. Ditch the meal planning woes and dive into HelloFresh's biggest menu yet. With over 50 recipes and even more market items to choose from every single week. So if you've been listening to pillow talks for a while, you may have heard us talk before about Green Chef. Green Chef is now owned by HelloFresh. And so we're really excited about this because now we get an even wider array of meal plans to choose from. There is literally something for everyone. Make delicious food a priority this summer with quick, convenient recipes delivered right to your door. All you do is choose your meals and select your delivery date. And HelloFresh handles all of the meal planning, shopping, most of the prep. So all you have to do is open your box and get cookin'. We are about to get our first box from them. We already feel confident because we've had such great experiences with Green check of. But we are going to get to try some of their limited time seasonal recipes. Their Taste of Summer series has Old Bay shrimp and sausage, grilled steak and lettuce wraps and so much more.

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Yeah. I'm gonna say this is totally normal. I don't know where this idea comes that, like, all men want anal or that, like, most men want anal or they're supposed to want anal. Like. Yeah, I guess I can go. I can kind of rewind the tape for me back to, you know, being younger and, like. Yeah, definitely had, you know, certain male friends that were, like, really interested in wanting to try anal or talking about that. For me, I guess, yeah, personally, it was like, anal was not something where I was, like, finding myself thinking about that all the time or really wanting it all the time. That doesn't mean, like, I never experimented with it, but I think there's plenty of men out there now. I think the problem is, is that, you know, when we talk about the fact that, oh, men, all men secretly want anal or, you know, we see anal portrayed a lot in porn, it gives men this idea that this is something that they're supposed to want. And it gives women this idea that something that Straight mentioned are secretly wanting. And, you know, so then it's easier for men to kind of, like, say that they want that so that they seem normal. But I think it is totally normal to want whatever it is that you want. And there's nothing wrong with. With your guy if he is not, like, you know, desperately wanting anal all the time.

I will say, though, anal is still very taboo, and a lot of people feel very uncomfortable with it. Like, they're not supposed to want it. It's. So there's kind of, like, two side sides of the coin. There's some weird pressure that we have where we think, like, oh, all men are supposed to want it, but also a lot of people feel very uncomfortable acknowledging that they do want it.

Yes.

So there is the possibility that the husband maybe is a little bit curious or would be open to try it, but feels this embarrassment about, like, oh, my God, I can't tell my wife that I want that, or she might think I'm a pervert if I say something like that.

Yeah, there's a huge difference between, like. Like, really wanting something and, like, talking about it all the time and then, like, being open to trying something.

Yeah, absolutely.

You can be totally open to trying something. And that's, like, just as good and valid as someone that's, like, secretly really wanting something.

Also, like, it sounds like the person who asked this question, they are curious about anal because he.

Yeah, like, why. Why isn't. Why isn't he demanding it? Like, like, if you if you're curious about it, you can absolutely ask about it. Like, he might be open to trying it if you want it, or he might be thinking, oh, you know, because I. I think there, this one could be flipped around. Like, men could be thinking, oh, most women don't want anal because it's so taboo or because. Because they're worried it's going to be painful or whatever.

If this is a male, female relationship, we don't really know. But yeah, but, yeah. So if you want to try anal or you're curious about it, like, definitely share that with your husband and see if it's something that he's open to. But don't put the pressure on him that, like, he's supposed to have to want it.

All right, Vanessa, is it normal to have never masturbated?

So we got this question from a woman, and it is very common to never have masturbated. Men and women growing up, like, we get very different messages about masturbation. With boys, there's kind of this like, you know, oh, boys will be boys, teenagers are so horny kind of thing. Like, everybody pretty much acknowledges that teenage boys masturbate. There's, like, movies and TV shows, like, making a ton of jokes about it. It's just a thing. Whereas with female masturbation, we're given a very different message that it's like, it's naughty, it's bad, it's wrong, it's, you know, she's too sexual, she's slutty. So as women, like, we grow up really feeling like this is something that we're not supposed to do. And because of all those messages, a huge number of us never end up touching our own bodies. So it's the masturbation. But it's also, we get all this bullshit socialization about our genitals, too. Like, they're icky, they're weird looking, they're smelly, they taste bad, they're gross. So a lot of us, like, feel uncomfortable and ashamed of our bodies. And it's like, oh, like, why would I want to touch that? It's so gross. I don't want to touch that. So it's just this real horrible, you know, socialization that we all get taught. And so, again, like, it's very, very common to never have masturbated. But it is also very important to masturbate. I heavily encourage everybody to explore masturbation. It's such an incredible experience to discover what your body needs, to feel pleasure, to discover how to make yourself orgasm. It's so empowering. And especially if you've grown up being taught all this crap, like it feel, it's a very empowering experience to kind of take that back and say, like, screw this. I'm going to feel comfortable with my body. I'm going to feel confident with my body. I'm going to figure out what I need and, and then to be able to take that information and share that with a partner. You know, like, this is what my body likes. This is what I respond to. This is how I want you to touch me. Like, it's just, it's a really, really important process. So it's never too late. Don't get down on yourself if you haven't masturbated. It makes a lot of sense. There are so many other women in your position and at the same time, like, get, get going.

It's not too late to start.

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It normal to feel like you can't make any position other than missionary work?

Yes, it is very common to struggle with intercourse. A lot of couples cannot get the mechanics of it right. And I think this is a very like, shameful hidden secret for so many couples. Back when I was seeing people, you know, one on one or working with couples, I can't tell you how many couples I saw who were like, you know, we are so embarrassed but like, we just cannot figure this out. I even had couples who like couldn't make any sort of penetration work. They just like couldn't figure out the mechanics, the logistics. I had worked with couples who didn't understand that penetration was supposed to occur. They were like, you Know, male, female couple, the man was just, like, sliding his penis along her labia rather than realizing that it needed to go inside of her vagina.

Yeah. And often a lot of those cases where, you know, people were not able to make any type of intercourse work was just the misunderstanding that it is very helpful for the receiving partner to guide the penis in.

Yeah, I mean, this was, like, one of the misconceptions that I had about sex as a kid. I remember thinking, like, oh, is there just some sort of, like, magnet in there? Like, it just sucks it right in. What kind of magnet makes that sound?

Well, yeah, I know. I don't know. Magnet doesn't make any sound, really. But I wanted to give it a sound effect.

Little slurp. Yeah. I really thought that it just, like, got sucked up in there and just knew where to go. And that actually was the one sex question that I ever got up the nerve to ask my parents. Like, does it just go in there, or do you have to help it out? And my mom was like, it just goes in there.

Wow. She did you dirty.

She did me real dirty. I did not realize, like, that. Yeah, it's not just this, you know, two magnets drawn to each other or slurping, sucking something in kind of thing. Like, there's. There's some assistance that's needed. So it can be surprisingly difficult to find the vaginal opening. Like, we're talking about our, you know, our genitals, which are further down on our body. They're, you know, just. Can be difficult kind of fumbling around. You're in the dark, your bodies are, you know, it's, like, difficult to line things up, is what I'm saying. And especially if you're not, like, using any sort of hands, it can just. Yeah. So it can be difficult to find the vaginal opening. It can be difficult to make that initial penetration happen. Like, you, you know, might. There might not be enough wetness, enough lubrication. It might feel like it's, like, taking a while to kind of, like, work it in. And then it can also be really easy for the penis to slip out as well. This is another big thing that people say is, like, yeah, we, you know, we can get in and we start moving, but then, like, we're slipping out all the time. Like, a lot of times people are pulling their bodies apart too far. They're thrusting too much. They're, like, not working at the angle correctly. So it's just, like, popping out a lot. So all that to say, like, it is surprisingly common for Couples to struggle to do intercourse properly. So if this is you, if you're having any sort of intercourse, struggles, like, you are definitely not alone. It happens. Happens all the time. It's just a perfect example of how we all feel. Like we're just magically supposed to be great at sex. But, like, where did we ever learn all this stuff? And it actually is surprisingly complicated to do this. Like, it really is. And especially if you're branching out beyond missionary, like, when you're moving the angles of your bodies, it makes it more difficult to maintain that penetration where you, you know, might be popping out again. Or it might be really difficult to, like, even get penetration going. Sometimes there are positions where, like, you know, maybe your legs, like the receiver's legs, are a lot closer together, and so it feels hard to, like, work your way in there. Or maybe it causes some pain or discomfort in certain positions. Like, there's so many different things that.

Can come up, assuming you're able to just get it in, but then you're still struggling with making that position work. Whether you're, like, slipping out or it just, like, seems like it's not really working. I mean, I think the first thing that I would try is just try less movement, more kind of grinding and less movement. I think a lot of us get.

This idea less, like, the in and out thrusting.

I think a lot of us get this idea specifically from watching porn, that it's supposed to be these, like, really extreme movements, like, really in and out or maybe even all the way out. And that is going to be harder. That is possible once you know what you are, are doing and you're feeling more comfortable and you guys are kind of moving in tandem with each other. But when you're just trying to figure it out, like, go for less movement. Just go for a little, you know, bump and grind.

And I would also say another practical tip here is to go for positions that are slight variations on missionary, where, like, try moving, you know, your legs a little bit, try turning on your sides a little bit. Rather than going for some, like, really crazy, elaborate position, like, just try making little adjustments, like, go down on your elbows, up on your palms, move your body weight forward. Like, make little adjustments. That can help. But I also wanted to add this question. This was a different question that we got. But it, you know, these two could be related. Somebody else said, is it normal to not really feel a whole lot down there while doing the deed? So I wanted to talk about these two together because the, like, you can't make any other Position, work. I wondered if this person meant, like, if by work they meant, like, it just doesn't really feel good, or like, have an orgasm. Yeah, the mechanics of it are fine, but it's like, I'm not really feeling much. So, yes, it is very. It's not normal, but it's very common as a woman or as a vulva owner to not feel a whole lot down there while having intercourse. And this is another huge, huge misconception about sex. Like male female couples, we are taught to believe that intercourse is the be all, end all of sex. Like it's home base. It's the main event. It's always what we see sex like in sex scenes on TV and movies, culminating in, like, it's the intercourse.

Yeah, it's where the orgasms come.

But the reality is that intercourse is not the most pleasurable activity for 91% of women. And that all comes down to nerve endings. So when you're having intercourse, you are getting stimulation in your vagina, and the vagina just does not have a lot of nerve endings in it. I keep looking for a proper scientific tally of how many nerve endings are in the vagina, and I have yet to be able to find one. Whereas for a man or a penis owner, when you're having intercourse, you're getting stimulation on your penis, which is chock full of nerve endings. 2 to 3,000 nerve endings to be exact. So we are getting stimulation of a part of our body that just is not hardwired to feel very much sensation. So for us, sensation and pleasure and orgasm are all about the clitoris. The clitoris. Remember I just said a second ago, the penis has 2 to 3,000 nerve endings. The clitoris has 9 to 10,000 nerve endings. That's like way more than the penis does.

Jealous.

Yeah. And something that most people don't realize is that the penis and the clitoris are actually made of the same tissues. It's called homologous structures. The tissues that make a penis are the same tissues that make a clitoris. But during intercourse, the clitoris is not getting very much stimulation. It's not really like a central part of the action. So the funny comparison that I always make is that intercourse for a woman from a nerve ending standpoint is like a man having his balls played with. Like, it might feel good, it might feel enjoyable, it might be exciting. But for the vast majority of men, it is not anywhere near enough stimulation to lead to orgasm. So if we had some weird alternate universe where intercourse was a man, like rubbing his balls on a Woman's clit. We wouldn't make men feel bad for not having orgasms or not feeling a lot of pleasure from this. Right? It's like, oh, yeah, like your penis is not at all a part of this. Of course, this isn't super pleasurable for you, but we make women feel so bad, feel like something is wrong with us. We're broken. We're not normal if we don't feel a ton of sensation from intercourse. So it's just like this topic is one of the many things that'll get me up on my soapbox so quickly. Like, it is very, very normal to not feel a lot from intercourse. It's just how our bodies are, are like physiologically made.

However, if you want to feel more during intercourse, there are a variety of ways, whether that is different positions or different things that you or your partner can do to invite the clitoris to the party a bit more. You should check out our next level interview.

A bit more. A lot more.

A lot more.

How dare you.

Oh, God, I undersold it. I'm sorry. Then you're going to want to check out our next level intercourse guide where we walk you through, what is it, 42 different positions and a whole lot of techniques for inviting that clitoris to the party. The entire party. And yeah, we're gonna put the link in the show notes. We love this guide. We tried out every single one of these positions we tried out.

So they are realistic. These are not like the insane positions that you find on the Internet where you're like, how. Like, where is the penis? Like, where is it supposed to be going?

Yeah, we tried them all out. We figured out exactly how to get into these positions, how to get out of these positions, how to move in these positions, how to. Yeah. How to transition, how to have little, you know, variations within those positions. And you're going to want to check it out. Yeah. So this kind of solves the problem of the first question of, like, struggling to make certain positions work. Like, we tell you literally exactly how to get in and out because it can be a little complicated if you've never tried it before. And also to answer the second question of why you're not feeling very much during the deed, if you follow the advice we give in there, you're going to be feeling a hell of a lot more.

Yeah. The guides really set out to level the playing field and to help you have intercourse that equally prioritizes both partners pleasure. Especially in male female relationships where the odds are tipped so heavily towards the man's End currently, like, we will really teach you how to have intercourse that is female pleasure focused and making sure you're both having a great time. So it's such a fun guide. Highly, highly recommend checking it out and we will put the link to that in the show notes for this episode.

All right, our next question is, is it normal to feel hornier with a full bladder?

So this was also a question from a woman, and the answer to this is yes. So I know this might sound like a confusing thing. We get this question asked pretty frequently, and women are always super confused, like, why would I be horny when I have to pee? Like, it doesn't make any sense. But the anatomy of our body is, like, it does make sense. So the bladder, when it gets full, that's when we feel that sensation of needing to pee. The bladder, like, stretches out and it can create pressure in the surrounding areas. And so a really full bladder can exert some pressure on the internal structures of the clitoris, the internal legs of the clitoris, which can just create, like, a little bit of stimulation. Sometimes the, like, the signals in our brain get a little bit crossed where it's like, oh, there's pressure down there. Like, oh, is this good? Are we, like, you know, going towards more so it can just, like, create that a little bit of, of sensation or even just more awareness too. Like, if your bladder is really full, you're more aware of your pelvic region. And sometimes just that awareness in and of itself can be like, oh, am I actually, like, kind of horny right now? Another common bladder question that we get is like, is it normal to feel like you have a stronger orgasm when your bladder is full? This also can happen for some women. So, yeah, the bladder, it's just in that area. It can kind of contribute. It's not anything where I would say, like, force yourself to have a full bladder all the time. Like, you don't want to, like, purposefully get the full bladder to, like, be horny or have a good orgasm.

That doesn't sound like a good strategy.

Yeah, I mean, do drink water, definitely, definitely stay hydrated. That, that in and of itself can help your sex life more than, like, trying to actively get your bladder to be full.

I will also say that, you know, as, as a guy, I've noticed as well that if I need to pee, like, a little bit and we're having sex, like, I usually will come a little faster. And I don't know if it might be somehow similar as well for guys. Um, I, I, that's Why I often try to pee before because I'm, you know, I'm not trying to. You know, I'm not trying to have that, you know, that additional pressure that maybe makes me not last as long. So that's something for guys to consider as well.

Xander's hack for lasting longer. Yeah, empty your bladder.

Yeah, empty your bladder. Okay, what about this, babe? Is it normal to get the ick from my husband, who I truly love?

Yes, this is very normal. If you haven't heard of the phrase, the ick is, it basically means, like, getting quickly turned off by something super specific that your partner does. A lot of times people use the ick like, more in dating. Like, oh, we were on a date, and this person did this one thing, and it gave me the ick. Like, it just.

All of a sudden, I just, like, couldn't look at them the same way. Or, like, I had kind of been feeling it, and then all of a sudden, they did one thing, and, like, I just can't feel it anymore.

Yeah. So, yes, it is very normal to get the ick from your partner. Like, let's be real. When you're living with somebody, like. Like, we all do icky things. We all do, like, weird things. And when you're living with somebody, like, you just see all of those weird little behaviors and, you know, things that they do. So it's just. Yeah, it's very normal to get turned off by them. I think that people have been talking so much more about the ick these days that it's actually making us put more pressure on it in a weird way. Like, people like, oh, my God, I got the ick. That's such a bad thing. But it's like, no, We've been getting the ick since the dawn of time. We will always be getting the ick. Like, it's not that big of a deal. Like, obviously, if your partner. It's doing something big or serious, it's, like, really upsetting you on a, you know, consistent basis. That's different. But we're just talking about, like, kind of a little annoyance type of thing here.

I mean, I would say if you are finding this happening quite frequently to you, I would probably ask yourself, are there things that your partner is doing that is blocking you from getting turned on or wanting to have sex with them? You know, whether that is them, you know, not not taking on enough responsibility in the household? Are they, you know, not having enough emotional connection with you? Are they, you know, are you guys getting in fights a lot? Like, are there things that are actually happening, that are. Are bothering you, such that it would be a good idea to talk about those things.

I just think that often, though, the icks are just, like. They're just random things that happen that aren't necessarily, like, laden with any sort of meaning. What is one thing that I do that gives you the ick?

Okay. What is something that you do that gives me the ick? I'm struggling here. I'm struggling here. I know that. There are things I know. Oh, okay.

I'm just so not icky.

I thought of it. Okay. When you do the thing when you have, like, a bug bite. When you have a bug bite and you look at me and start scratching, and you look at me and you're like. You're like, oh, my God, I'm so itchy. I'm so itchy. Like. Like you're looking for sympathy or something for me. But then you also won't stop itching it.

I don't know why you're so bothered by me itching.

That.

That really does give you the ick. You don't like letting it to yourself.

No, no. It's fine if you're just itching yourself, but you like to show me.

I don't think you like it.

No, you. You liked it. You're like, look at. Look at me. Look at me itch. Look at me itch.

No, I only started doing that because you'd be like, don't itch your bug bites. It's bad. It just makes it itch worse. And I'm like, oh, but it feels so good to itch them. Or, like, I can't not itch them. And now I just, like, kind of rub it in your face a little bit when I itch. Like, I'm doing it anyways.

All right, well, what about me? What do I do that gives you the egg?

When I'm trying. When I'm trying to give you, like, feed you a bite of food, you make the gr. I don't understand. Like, it's, like, so gross the way that you try to bite it off my fork. Your mouth gets too wide. Your, like, tongue comes out. You're, like, trying to be weirdly sensual about it, but then you, like, miss the. The bite somehow all the time, too. It's so weird.

You know what's so weird to me?

Gives me that.

It's incomprehensible to me how you think my mouth works when you try to feed me a bite. You, like, the fork is always at, like, a weird angle. It's like, not coming into my mouth straight. I have zero trust. I have zero trust that you know how to give me a bite of food. And I have to do this weird thing to eat the food. It's like you're, like, trying to fuck with me. Like, let me give this to you at the weirdest angle.

I don't.

So I wouldn't say that gives me the ick. But every single time, I'm like, what are you doing?

You know? It was one of the worst icks you've ever given me. It was so bad, I had to put it in our book. When we went to the gas station and you pumped gas, and then you went into the gas station store and bought Doritos, and you come back out and you're, like, putting the chips in your mouth and fucking licking the flavor powder off your fingers. And I was like, you just pumped the gas. Like, you just had your hand on that disgusting, disgusting gas pump.

Whoops.

And now you're licking nacho cheese powder off of your fingers. That was foul. I'll never forget that.

Yeah, I'm really sorry for that. That's disgusting.

That was gross.

That was gross. And I, you know, I just forgot what I had done.

I was ick worthy.

Yeah, that's definitely like. That's, like, a gross man thing for sure. Okay, it's time to take the focus off of me. Bring it back to you, babe. Is it normal to cry after orgasm or feel emotional after sex?

It is. And this is a pretty common thing that happens for a lot of people. I think a lot of people get freaked out by this because they're like, oh, my God, why am I crying? A lot of us think of crying as a bad thing. A lot of us think of emotions in general as a bad thing. So people freak out. Like, why am I crying? Like, that was a good experience. I enjoyed myself. Like, nothing bad happened. Why all of a sudden, am I, like, so intensely emotional? So, of course, like, crying and feeling emotional after sex, of course, can be a sign that, like, something bad happened, that, you know, you got triggered or you, you know, there's just something that you didn't like about that experience. Of course that can happen. But in general, like, if you're not actively aware that that felt bad, you're like, I'm happy, but why am I crying? That is very normal. And it doesn't mean that anything is, like, bad or wrong. Orgasm releases a lot of chemicals into our body, a lot of neurotransmitters and hormones and all sorts of stuff. And so it can just be like a very elevated time for a lot of us. And sometimes because of the, the, you know, that release, it can lead to an emotional release as well. I think it can even be like an expression of love. Like you're just overcome in that moment where you're feeling really connected to your partner. You're feeling very close. So it's like, you know, we can like cry happy tears or like after.

Maybe like after your team wins, like the super bowl or the World cup or, you know, whatever, some big thing where you've been kind of like holding it and holding it in, holding it in. You. You want it, you want it. You hope it's gonna happen. You hope it's gonna happen and it finally happens.

Yeah.

And I think orgasm can kind of be the same way.

Yeah. Or like even getting like the giggles too. That can happen as well. So. Yeah, as long as you feel good about the sex that you had. It felt pleasurable, it felt safe, it was connecting. Like, there's nothing bad or worrisome about crying after orgasm or feeling emotional in general after sex. So the only thing to do is like, just let yourself feel that. That make sure you tell your partner, like, I'm good, I'm good. I'm just like having a release. So they know that things are good too. But yeah, it's totally normal, not anything to worry about.

All right, now the last one. Vanessa. Is it normal to not moan during sex?

So it's common to not moan? I will say this is something that I don't necessarily recommend though, so I don't want to say, like, it's not normal. We're not here to shame. This is a shame free zone. Everybody gets to decide what they want for their own sex life. But I do encourage people to experiment with moaning. I think there's a couple of different things that come up. A lot of people don't moan because they feel ashamed or embarrassed or worried about the kinds of noises that they'll make, especially around orgasm. A lot of us have this fear of like, oh, am I going to lose control and like make some weird noise?

Am I going to be too much?

Yeah. And so a lot of us hold ourselves back for that reason. I think we need to normalize making sounds during sex and also make the space for there being some weird sounds during sex. Like Xander has made some very strange mid orgasm sounds.

It's always. It's the best, the best orgasm. That's how you. That's how you know, once it's really, really weird. Once it gets into, like, like 9 or 10 territory, like, who knows?

All bets are off.

Who knows what's coming out?

And so, yeah, I mean, I think that that's like, we give each other the space to make those kinds of noises. Like, we sometimes will giggle with each other about them afterwards, but it's never, like, making fun of or like, oh, my God, that was so weird that you made that noise. Or, like, don't, you know, there's no shaming around it? So it's like, I think we need to normalize and make space for sometimes. There are some funny sounds during sex, but I also encourage moaning because moaning can be a very empowering thing to do in.

Well, let's clarify. I think moaning in a authentic, in an natural way, not in a performative way. Like, oh, we're having sex. I am supposed to moan, so let me fake moan. It's like, letting you know. I think moaning is an extension of what you are feeling. So if you are feeling something that is nice, kind of like when you eat something really tasty, sometimes you're like, yeah, no, the moan is the same thing. I think it's just. It's utilizing more of our senses during sex. So it's like, you know, if you're quiet, then it's like, okay, all I'm doing is feeling. But it's like, you know, utilize your ears, utilize your sight, utilize your, you know, your voice. Like, if you are feeling something good, then, like, like, you know, let your voice, you know, embody whatever it is that you're feeling. And, you know, when you are mixing up all those senses, often, you know, all the senses become heightened.

And moaning in and of itself can actually create more pleasure too. Like, it can feel really good. It can, like, contribute to the experience. There's also some really interesting research that I need to look into a little bit more. But, like, talking about ways that, like, vibrating our vocal cords, like, through humming through moaning, can actually really be relaxing to our nervous system. So it can even benefit you, allow you to be more present, more relaxed, more, like, fully there in the moment. So it can contribute in that way as well. But, yeah, I think moaning is a way to, like, get over the shame and embarrassment around sex, to take, like, ownership over your experience. I think that it's a very powerful experience to have. So, again, we're not saying perform with it. Like, make all these fake moans to, like, make your partner happy or anything like that.

But, like.

But, like, allow yourself to make some noise during sex.

So if you feel something, say something with a moan.

Sure.

Yes. There we go.

All right, well that wraps up Episode 3 of Is this Normal. Let us know if you want to hear more of these. We actually have a long list of other questions that we did not have the chance to get to today. So we've already got a part, part four ready to go. Let us know if you are interested in more is this Normal? And we will put a link to that one guide that we mentioned. Next level, intercourse. If you want to learn how to have more pleasurable intercourse, how to make sure it's a balanced, enjoyable experience for both people and how to have more fun and get creative with 42 different realistic and genuinely exciting positions.

All right, well, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about threesomes.