Episode 165: How To Actually Be Vulnerable With Your Partner

Our approach to vulnerability is we see vulnerability as a superpower. I would go so far as to say, if you don't have vulnerability, you don't have a relationship. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Zander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Let's talk about vulnerability.

Yes, let's definitely talk about vulnerability. I feel vulnerable when I talk right now because I'm recovering from this mouth surgery and still getting used to having this device implanted inside of my mouth.

You're sounding way better. Yeah, Way better.

That's great. That's really great. Well, I have my Invisalign aligners out. I sound a lot worse with them in, but I've been told I sound a lot better with them in, even.

Yeah, no, you're. You're totally. Your tongue is relearning how to be in your mouth.

It is, it is. It's still getting caught up on a couple of words, kind of like are words and like, transitions between words. But in general, I'm doing pretty well. I'm very happy about that. But it does feel vulnerable showing up. Like, just, you know, you don't really think about your speech on a day to day basis until all of a sudden your speech is impacted by something. And then all of a sudden you're like, oh, my God, what do I sound like to other people? What do they think about me?

You always say, all of a sudden, it's all a sudden. I've pointed this out to you like four times on the podcast.

Well, I'm definitely not thinking of what's. When I said I just do it.

Okay, but we're not talking about Xander's vulnerability today.

We're talking. We're not. Why not?

Not every episode is just about you. We are talking about vulnerability, actually, because of response to an Instagram post that we put up a couple of weeks back. We were just in stories talking about vulnerability, and we were blown away by how many responses we got from people who were clearly really, really struggling with vulnerability. And we knew, like, vulnerability is a vulnerable topic for most people.

It's a tough topic.

Yeah, it's a tough topic, but we were truly surprised by how many responses, the intensity of the responses. So it was very clear right away that we needed to make an episode all about vulnerability. So we went back to our Instagram community and by the way, if you are not following us there, please do.

You should be.

We're at Vanessa and Xander. We do all the research for these episodes with our Instagram community, so you get sneak peek at what episodes are coming up and you really help us design the content and create, like, the polls and the stats and all kinds of stuff. So we'd love to have you following us over there, but we asked our Instagram community questions like, what resistance do you and your partner have to being vulnerable? Why does it feel so hard to be vulnerable? What specifically do you feel the most resistance to being vulnerable about? So we have some fascinating responses, and most importantly, today is all about helping you and your partner get more vulnerable.

But first, we are going to get into this week's review of the week, and the title of this one is Just thank you in all caps. Love it. I've been listening to this podcast nonstop for weeks on end. I'm four and a half years sober and my partner is almost two years sober. We broke up before he got sober and then reunited again after he got sober. Six months spent apart. Getting to know each other again has been so hard. Year two is arguably the hardest. If you know, you know. And when I feel alone, defeated, insecure, etc. I turn to you guys. Don't worry, we both have therapists and have done couples as well. Long story short, thank you for sharing your story, Xander. And thank you, Vanessa, for embracing the mind shift that addiction is a disease, not a choice. And the stigma. Embrace the imperfections. Being sober is a superpower. Love you guys. Mic drop.

Oh, well, this is really the perfect review for this episode because that there obviously is a huge interplay between sobriety and vulnerability. And if you have no idea what this person is talking about, definitely go back and listen to episode 161. We are in couples therapy. Ask us anything.

Yeah, if you know, you know.

But these reviews do so much to help the podcast grow, to get in front of new audiences, encourage new people to listen to the podcast, help Spotify and Apple choose to focus on our podcast and, like, share it with even more people. So it really does mean the world to us if you can take 60 seconds to leave a review. So here's how you do it. Go over the main Pillow Talks page on Apple Podcasts scroll to the bottom. You'll see the review section there. Leave a quick review and we automatically enter you in our giveaway every week going forward. So if you hear your review read on an episode, email us@infomtherapy.com with your username and we will give you a prize as our way of saying thank you for taking the okay, so let's get into the episode. We polled our audience about the level of vulnerability that they have in their relationship, and this was pretty wild. Only 24% of people said that they're happy with the level of vulnerability in their relationship.

Wow.

So only one in four couple, the vast majority of couples, at least one person is unhappy with the level of vulnerability. That is wild. But then we also wanted to turn it around on the people answering polls and we said, do you think you are truly vulnerable in your relationship? Because I think it's really easy to blame your partner.

Oh, yeah. Be like, oh, I am vulnerable. Yeah. They just need to step it up.

Yeah. But, you know, we also need to take a look at ourselves as well. So we asked, do you think you are truly vulnerable in your relationship? Only 18 of people said absolutely, 55% said mostly, 24% said not really, and 3% said definitely not. So I think we can kind of extrapolate from this data. Since the vast majority of our community on Instagram is female, we have like 85% women in our community.

So yeah, shout out to all the guys, get your guy friends to follow us. And shout out to all the partners of men who are listening, get your male partner to follow us on Instagram because we would love to have a more representative sample and all of our.

Non binary friends too. Yes, please come join us. So I think we can extrapolate from this that there are a lot of women wanting more vulnerability from men, and women feeling like overall they probably do a better job at vulnerability in their relationship, which I don't think is shocking. That's a pretty common story that we hear from our community. Are you tired of tossing and turning on those hot summer nights, searching for relief from the relentless heat? Cozy Earth has the solution you've been dreaming of. Introducing Cozy Earth's bamboo sheet set, designed to keep you cool and comfortable no matter how high the temperatures soar. Crafted from viscose from bamboo, Cozy Earth bedding regulates your body temperature, ensuring uninterrupted and refreshing sleep throughout the summer season. Xander and I have been fans of Cozy Earth for so long. We have tried a lot of sheet sets, but Cozy Earth Sheets are so soft, so comfortable. We both sleep pretty hot. So this temperature regulating quality to their sheets is a really, really big selling factor for us. And we have great news for you. Cozy Earth has offered our listeners an excl. Simply visit cozyearth.com pillow talks and use code pillowtalks to enjoy a 30% discount. Cozy Earth's bedding isn't just about staying cool. It is also about indulging in unmatched comfort. Their products have superior softness like seriously, the softest sheets. And here's the best part. With their 100 night sleep trial and 10 year warranty, you can invest in the quality and durability with complete peace of mind. Remember, visit cozyearth.com pillow talks to enjoy 30% off or use Code Pillow Talks at checkout and after placing your order, select Podcast in the survey and then select Pillow Talks in the dropdown menu that follows. We absolutely love Cozy Earth and we are so excited for you to try these sheets out. So let's back up though. And first I think the question that we need to answer is what the hell is vulnerability? Yeah, and this was actually a question that so many people in our community reached out and asked. They're like, I don't, you know. Yeah, I hear people throw the word around. Like, obviously I've heard it a million times before. But like, if I really stop and think about it, I don't really know what vulnerability means. So I turned to trusty old Google and Merriam Webster.

Thanks Miriam.

I think it's so funny when people like start papers with like, the definition of love is like, it's such a cheesy way to start things. But I was like, I actually am genuinely kind of curious here. Like, what is, how is it described in the dictionary? So Miriam Webster says vulnerability is the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.

Yeah, I mean that's a, that's a kind of a rough definition, honestly. I mean, you know, as you were reading it, the first thought that came to mind initially, like before you finished was like, you know how often there are multiple definitions for a word for like the different contexts? I was like, oh, Vanessa's reading the wrong definition. She's reading like the vulnerable definition of like, you know, like physically vulnerable or like, you know, what is like, vulnerability mean in the context of like war or battle? But then I see at the end it says either physically or emotionally. Like that doesn't sound great. Being emotionally exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, like who would want that?

Yeah, of course it's a horrible definition. So we thought, you know what, we've got to come up with our own definition of what we mean in relationships, like vulnerability in particular in long term relationships. So I think being vulnerable in a long term relationship means being willing to show your true self, like letting your guard down and allowing your partner to see who you really are.

And I think that does fit into the technical definition that you just said that. I mean, what I don't like about that kind of technical dictionary definition is it talks about what it is from the perspective of like what the outcome of it can be, but not what it actually is itself. But yeah, if you are being willing to show your true self, if you are showing your true self, letting your partner see who you really are. Yeah, of course there are some elements that you are, you are, you are emotionally exposing yourself. There is always the possibility that some harm can come to you when you do that. But yeah, you do it anyway for the sake of being vulnerable.

Yeah, I mean, like there is an acknowledgement within, you know, emotional vulnerability that your partner could hurt you with this information. Like, it's not like you're telling your partner, my favorite color is red. Oh my God, that was so vulnerable. Like, what's your partner going to do with that? You know, this is talking about like deeper things, but I think my issue with the, you know, Merriam Webster style definition of vulnerability is that it's focusing on the attack element, whereas I prefer to focus on the authenticity element. For me it's this recognition of like, look, let's be real. In life we are playing roles. Very often we're putting on masks, we're being polite, we're, you know, not trying to hurt people's feelings. We're, you know, we very often in life, like can't truly be authentic and share like this is what I'm really thinking or what I'm really feeling. And for me, vulnerability is allowing my partner to see who I really am and saying, okay, yes, I have to wear these masks during day to day life so often, but with you I'm going to allow myself to take them off and I'm going to allow you to see me for who I really am. Like all my good and all my bad. So thoughts, feelings, preferences, requests, desires, my history, my struggles and my weaknesses. Like it's just a. Yeah, it's a willingness to let you see the entirety of me, but really the real me, not the me that has to exist in the world.

And I think the Reality is in life in general, there's always the possibility of being attacked or harmed. Like as, as minute as it might be in any given situation. Like even just outside. I mean, or perhaps the reality is that technically speaking, like, we could be vulnerable in any moment to some kind of attack or some kind of harm. Like that shouldn't be the reason why we don't show up authentically, I think. And so I think, yeah, I mean, the problem is the focus of the definition of the word vulnerability is on what might happen. It would be kind of like if our generally accepted definition of like air travel was like getting on an airplane that could crash and kill you at any moment. And it's like that. That seems kind of preposterous, right? Like, why would you define it as that when that is something. Yes, it can happen. It happens very infrequently. I feel like vulnerability is kind of the same thing. Like, yeah, you could focus on what could happen maybe, or you could focus on like what is, you know, the benefits of it. Like, it could just as easily be defined as like showing your truth self to someone that you really care about because you feel closer afterwards.

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You certainly don't have a successful one in the long term.

And we'll talk more about the nuances of that as we get through the episode. Like, there are definitely seasons. We have not been perfect at vulnerability ourselves. Like, it's not an absolute kind of thing. But. But I do think that there's such a strong connection between vulnerability and real, authentic love. I don't think you can have a healthy relationship without vulnerability. We also asked our community, is there anything especially difficult to be vulnerable about? And big surprise. One of the top answers, of course, was sex.

That's why we're here.

That's why we're here. That's why, you know, of course that was gonna be a common answer in our community. But other common answers were emotions, money.

In laws, my body, grief, fears, and my worst traits. So I think what people are meaning about sort of my worst traits are sort of like the stuff that you don't feel very comfortable about. The areas maybe where, you know, the stuff that you do where maybe you're like, yeah, maybe that's a little toxic, or I wish I wouldn't be like this or feel like that.

We also asked, what resistance do you or your partner have to being vulnerable? Like, why does vulnerability feel so hard? So we're going to read you some of the most common answers. A lot of people said, I'm just afraid of judgment or embarrassment.

Yeah, I mean, that makes perfect sense. I think that's just getting back to the definition of it of like the attack or harm in an emotional perspective. Those are kind of the, I think the big things that you're worried. The type of harm that you're worried about receiving, like judgment or embarrassment.

And there were a fair amount of people that said, my partner actually does make fun of me. And I mean, first of all, let's just say that's a horrible dynamic. Like, you should never, ever make fun of your partner for being vulnerable. And the irony here is that so many people. I'm going to be real. I think that this happens a lot with women in male, female relationships where women, we want more vulnerability. We'll say on the surface, you know, like, I want my man to be more vulnerable. Why isn't he more vulnerable? And then when he shows vulnerability, a lot of women will be like, ooh, no, not like that. That's not really what. I don't like that. And I think that's the result of, you know, all this toxic crap that we're taught to believe about genders. Like, we women have been taught that too. We've internalized a lot of misogyny ourselves. We've internalized a lot of, like, toxic masculinity, you know, beliefs ourselves. But it's really unfortunate to just hear these kinds of stories. We hear this a lot from men who say, you know, I heard her for so long asking me to be vulnerable, asking me to be vulnerable. Then I finally was vulnerable, and it was like she threw it back in my face. So, of course, the story you're gonna tell yourself then is, okay, I tried it. It was horrible. I'm never gonna do it again.

We hear similar things with, like, initiating sex a lot of the time too, where it's like, oh, well, I had never done it before, and I was really in my head about it, and I finally got up the courage to do it, and it went poorly the first time, so I'm never doing it again.

Yeah. So I think a great rule of thumb is if your partner ever says, like, hey, I've got to be vulnerable, or this is vulnerable for me to share. This is hard to share. Like, really consider that off limits for any sort of teasing. That doesn't mean you need to agree with your partner's feelings. It doesn't mean, you know, you need to not have any sort of feelings or reactions to it. Like, sometimes these situations are complex, but. But don't ever tease them or put them down for it.

I do want to say I. I do think that it's like something that happens a lot, though, is one partner. I mean, I think we can leave gender out of this. I think that there can be a lot of misunderstandings or mistakes or foot in mouth type of situations around vulnerability where one partner is not necessarily telling the other partner, hey, I'm about to come out with something really vulnerable here. I'm feeling really sensitive, but kind of just goes ahead and shares something the other partner doesn't quite realize. Like, oh, this is something that is really hard for my partner. Like, they're kind of maybe caught a little unaware and they say something kind of stupid. Or just, like, don't really understand what is going on. Or maybe, you know, like, you know, maybe you have like a more kind of joking, ribbing type of relationship, and you're used to responding in certain ways. And. And someone says something that you don't realize is them being super vulnerable, and you say something that really hurts their feelings. I think that that happens so often. And then the problem is the person who felt judged or made fun of or whatever then is like, oh, God, well, I was just really vulnerable. I'm really upset, but now I don't want to, like, say anything about that. And kind of the takeaway is, oh, well, my partner made fun of me for being vulnerable. When in reality, if the. If the conversation had continued a little bit and it was just like, hey, you know, actually, like, that was something that was really hard for me to share with you. I've been really worried about that for a super long time. And like, you know, what you said right there, that really hurt my feelings. It felt like, you know, you weren't taking me seriously or you weren't, you know, whatever. Insert the blank of, like, what happened there. I think that, you know, you show a little vulnerability in sharing something, it doesn't go the way that you expected or wanted, and then you're not willing to show that one more kind of step of vulnerability of, hey, that was really vulnerable for me. And that was really hard that you didn't receive it in the way that I was hoping for, because I think that that will cue most partners to be like, oh, shit, I did not realize that. And. But so I think instead of doing that, though, a lot of people just end up with this idea of, oh, well, I did it, and it went poorly. So they don't. They don't want it or they don't care about me. And I think that that can be a challenging standstill to end up in. In a relationship. I feel like, I'm sure that you had this experience as a, you know, when you saw couples of like, you know, couples sort of at this standstill where it's like both of them are feeling like, oh, well, like the other person doesn't care about what I have have to say. And, you know, you hear from each of them, and it's like each of them have these stories of times where, like, they said something really vulnerable and the other partner didn't receive it, and then they're just like, oh, well, screw you. I just won't do that anymore.

Yeah. So another common answer was, I didn't grow up being vulnerable, so I don't know how to do it.

Ooh all right, I gotta jump in here and just gently, kindly, but seriously call bullshit on this excuse, because I think it really is an excuse. Because the reality is, look, we don't grow up doing all kinds of things, but we still need to learn them. And we do learn them and develop them later in life. Like. Like sex. Sex is such a great example. Nobody grew up having sex. Nobody grows up being great at sex. That is not a reason to not have sex in your life. Most people are like, oh, yeah, like.

Now I'm at the time of my life.

Yeah, now I'm at the. Yeah, now I'm at the time of my life where I can. And I want to have sex. So I'm going to go out there. Honestly, it's like, I'm gonna go out there and be vulnerable and have sex. Right? It's a vulnerable thing to do. Yeah, you don't grow up driving, but, like, you got to a certain age and you're like, you know what? It's time I learned how to drive. It's going to be a little scary because I'm driving this fast thing that could hurt me and hurt other people, but I'm going to learn how to do it because it's really important. Right? Or even, like, your job, like, your career, you didn't grow up doing that. I mean, you had to go to school and figure it out, right? Like, you're like, oh, God, I can't work a day in my life because no one put me to work as a kid. No one.

I mean, they might have, but maybe not in the exact same thing you're trying to do now.

So I think the reality is it is totally fine to use this as a reason why it might feel hard for you to be vulnerable, but it's not an excuse for why you can't be vulnerable. It doesn't excuse you from trying. Like, we just have to remember, yeah, you know what? I didn't have any good examples of this growing up, or I just don't have a history of doing this growing up. And that means that I get to put work into doing that now as an adult, because that's what adults do. That's what is required for exceptional relationships, even for, like, functional relationships.

Okay, this is a similar kind of response. Somebody said, we've been together 12 years and have not been vulnerable. It would be so awkward to start now. Like a kind of it's too late mentality.

You know what? You're right. It will be awkward. It sure will be. But you know what? The first step to being more vulnerable is acknowledging that awkwardness. Hey, it's been a really long time together, and we haven't done this. And I feel like I need to do a better job of this. I would like to do a better job of this. And, wow, that is vulnerable. Because I'm worried it's gonna feel awkward. And it probably will feel awkward, but I just wanted to share that with you.

Well, I think a lot of these responses were like, it's too vulnerable to be vulnerable. And you're like, yeah, it is. That's the definition of vulnerable. So we just. We just have to accept that. Someone else wrote, fear of triggering a fight or a lot of people. Similarly to saying, you know, my partner does make fun of me. A lot of people did have evidence that it does start fights. Like, my partner gets so defensive. One person wrote, my partner is mean and vindictive and will use it against me later.

Oh, I mean, look, if that's your situation, like, you gotta. You gotta leave. This is not. This is not a healthy relationship. And it not. It won't become a healthy relationship until your partner does the work to figure out what is going on, such that they are mean and vindictive. You can't fix that for them. Like, that's something they have to figure out on their own, probably without you. Like, you. You are not. Not helpful in them figuring that out. Like, please do yourself a favor and get out of that.

Another person wrote, my partner won't reciprocate. I don't want to hurt him. That was a big theme that came up. Like, my vulnerability will hurt my partner's feelings.

I mean, what's interesting in a lot. In a lot of these is I think that there's this implication that the vulnerability is, like. Is about the partner or something. When, like, in, you know, I think the starting. Good starting place for vulnerability is like, looking at yourself like something that has nothing to do with your partner and be like, hey, this is something that I'm scared of, or this is something that's coming up for me that has nothing to do with your partner. But this, you know, stuff like fear of triggering a fight or, you know, not wanting to hurt your partner. I'm a little worried that, like, you know, people who are saying this are thinking that what vulnerability is is like telling your partner things that you don't like about them.

Yeah, we'll get back to this when we talk about how to be vulnerable. But other people wrote, trust has been violated too many times. I never know when to bring it up, a very common response was, too busy. One person wrote, he's so busy, he just doesn't have the capacity to hold my feelings. And that different person wrote, I'm so busy, I don't have the capacity to start to be vulner. And finally, my partner doesn't think it's important or I don't think it's important. So let's get into that last one a little bit more, because so many people reached out to ask us, like, what's the point? Like, what's the point of being vulnerable? Like, we are all so scared of being vulnerable. And that makes sense. It is scary. That's inherently a part of it.

It's part of the definition that we don't like.

But like I was saying earlier, I really don't think that you can have a healthy, intimate relationship without vulnerability.

Yeah, definitely not like an intimate one, because, like, part of intimacy into me.

You see that cheesy.

There you go.

That cheesy definition of intimacy.

Great. I didn't even need to say it.

It sounds silly, but, like. Yeah, it's like, you can't. Your partner can't love you if they don't see you.

Yeah. I mean, you can have a transactional relationship with somebody without vulnerability, without intimacy. But I think. Yeah, I think a lot of us get into intimate relationships that then start to turn transactional over time if we don't kind of feed the fire of that intimacy or they never really were.

All that vulnerable to begin with.

Yeah.

Like, there's not that intimacy from the beginning, but, I mean. Yeah. Taking a step back, like, for some reason, our neighbor just popped into my head. Like, I see her almost every day on walks. Like, she's out walking, I'm out walking the dog. And like, we say, hello. Hi. How are you? Oh, the weather today. It's gonna be a nice one. I would never say she loves me because she's never really seen me. I've seen her every day. Sure, we have these little interactions, but I've never shared anything vulnerable or intimate or personal with her. Like, there is no way that she could love me without any of that. So maybe that's a weird example, but it's just. Yeah. Like, if you and your partner are not truly vulnerable with each other, and again, this comes and goes. There are seasons of life. You know, we're not saying this is super easy, but if you don't allow your partner to truly see you, they can't love you. Vulnerability is what creates connection. So here's Another funny example that comes to mind for me. Like, think about Instagram influencers who just show, like, their perfect lives. Like, everything's the same filter. It's always, like, the lavish over the top parties and the outfits and the pictures of their home. It's just like, everything looks perfect, perfect, perfect. I think all of us have at least one or two accounts that we kind of, like, hate follow because we just, like, can't not look. But I don't think you ever feel connected to that person. Like, you don't feel. Yeah, you don't feel like that's like a real genuine human being. Like, obviously, you don't truly know anybody on social media. That's a whole other story. But, like, I don't think anybody's looking at this picture perfect Instagram influencer account and really feeling like, I see the humanity in this person.

Or it's like, oh, this is so relatable. You're like, oh, like, I hate follow this person, or like, I'm jealous of this person. I want what I think they have. Notice how I said I think?

Yes.

Nobody, you know, nobody's life actually looks like that. If you need any more proof that vulnerability creates, like, real connection, look no further than crappy, like, reality dating shows, because reality shows have cracked the code to creating fast connection. If you watch, like, you know, the Bachelor and any of those type of shows, you will notice one very consistent thing. You know, the crazy thing about these shows is the two people that are dating barely get any time together. So how do they create this connection so fast? How do they create these feelings of love, which I'm kind of putting in air quotes, but, like, honestly, in the moment, these people really do think that they love each other. How do they do that? It is through putting people in, you know, who have very limited time together into highly vulnerable situations and dates because they.

That's why they always send them fucking skydiving.

I know.

That's why I'm on a plane.

Yeah.

I mean, they'll feel close real fast.

Have you ever noticed on the Bachelor how whenever there's like, some kind of activity, type of date, it's almost certainly one or both of them. They're like, in the confessional, they're like, oh, my God, this is like my biggest fear. Like, they collect that information in advance. They know exactly what to do to crank up the vulnerability on a given date. So, like, if you are only with someone for like an hour a week, but during that hour, you are doing things that you are scared of or Things that feel uncomfortable to you because the producers know exactly what feels uncomfortable to you that is going to turbocharge this feeling of intimacy and this feeling of connection. So if you think that all of this is bullshit, like, it's kind of bullshit how producers and reality shows use this to their advantage in a manipulative way. But, like, that should be all the evidence that you need to be to see, oh, yeah, like, this does turbocharge connection. I could use that for good in my relationship.

So pro tip, if you're gonna go on the Bachelor, just tell them that your biggest fear is going shopping.

So you can do. Yeah, I hate it when people buy things for me. You know, I'm like, scared, you know, going in always the day stores, my anxieties skyrockets. And I always say mean things to the employees. Yeah, then you'll get the shopping date.

Here's one of the other ironies about vulnerability. I think it actually builds confidence because if you allow yourself to be vulnerable with your partner to show the messy parts of you, the, you know, not so good parts, like somebody mentioned earlier, and then you get to see your partner still love you despite that. Or even your partner's like, I love you more.

Because they probably will.

Yeah. Like something that you think is a flaw or some horrible part of you, your partner's like, oh, actually, I feel the same way. I have that same sort of part of myself. Or I don't think that part of you is that bad. I'm actually really attracted to that part of you. Like, just being able to get that kind of love in return from your partner is so powerful. Then ultimately vulnerability feels really liberating. I think it feels like being freed from a trap.

Oh, yeah. I mean, have you ever had that feeling of like, you're keeping a secret for someone or maybe even keeping a secret yourself? And then like, you know, maybe the secret gets not because, like, you told on someone or something, but, like, you know, for whatever reason, you don't have to keep the secret anymore. That feeling, it's so freeing if you're, like, struggling with keeping a secret for yourself or for someone else. I know I've certainly been in that situation before where whether it was like, self imposed or somebody asked me to or whatever, and then you realize, like, oh, man, it takes up a lot of energy to have this secret. I have to kind of always be on guard of like, okay, who am I allowed to say this around? Who am I not allowed to say this around? And then all of a sudden, when you don't need to keep something secret anymore. It's just like, oh, such a relief. Like, it, you know, I don't have to have that, you know, beholding that mental energy anymore. So, yeah, vulnerability is exactly the same way. If you are not sharing something that you are really feeling or something that you're scared about, you're kind of just keeping something secret and holding on to that.

And I think vulnerability is actually a gift that we give to others. Like, it allows others to feel valued. Like, I'm letting you. You. You special person. I'm letting you see who I really am. Like, sometimes it can allow them to feel needed or to help. Like, if you're being vulnerable about, like, I need help with something. You know, we get so much satisfaction and happiness out of helping others and feeling like you can make an impact on somebody's life. Vulnerability also helps you feel like a team. Like, the two of you are, you know, we're in this together. We're doing life together. And of course, we have to mention this impact. Like, you'll have more sex the more vulnerable you are, the more sex you're gonna have, too.

Yeah. And definitely the more open you are going to feel emotionally to, you know, want to be intimate with someone. And then the final thing, if you are still not sold on this idea, I have a. I have a kind of a thought experiment for you. So my question is, is it important to you to be honest? Or at the very least, is it important to you to, like, not be lying all the time? I think most people would agree, yeah, honesty is an important thing. Not lying is an important thing. Right. That's like a desirable attribute. So the reality is that if you are like, oh, I just don't want to be vulnerable, or I don't see the point in it, or, like, this is dumb. The reality is not being vulnerable is effectively lying to yourself. And kind of in an indirect way, like, it is also sort of lying to your partner. Because the reality is you are feeling things. You have fears, you have desires, you have things that you're scared of, sad about, worried about, whatever. And you can try as hard as you want to push those things down, but you know that they are still there. And when you are not able to acknowledge those things to yourself or to anybody else, that is, it feels the same as, like, trying to keep a secret from someone, which I was just talking about. Right. So if you can kind of think about it, like, huh, okay. Yeah, it's important to me to, you know, not be lying to people. It's important to me to not lie to my partner. If you have certain desires, fears, whatever, like, insert the vulnerable emotion there, and you are not com. You're not able to ever share that with your partner. In a way, you are kind of lying to them every time your partner goes, hey, how are you doing? Are you okay? And you're just like, oh, yeah, yeah, I'm good. I'm good. Like, no, there's more things going on with you. It's not that every single moment, you have to be telling every single thing to every single person, but with your partner, the person that you have really committed to spending your life with and sharing things with, if you are not able to ever share certain things with them, then you are kind of just keeping things from them and kind of keeping things from yourself because you're not able to verbalize it. It.

So let's start getting more practical. One of the things that we asked on Instagram is what specific things do you want to see from your partner? Like, specific vulnerable things. Like I said, we're really trying to make vulnerability feel practical here. I think it's just. It's too easy to think of it as this big, scary concept, but we want to break it down for you. So here are some of the answers of specific things partners want to see from each other. Share your feelings, needs, thoughts, and desires. One person wrote, let us see your inner world. Have a real desire to share and connect. Ask for help. Be willing to say you're sorry and own your mistakes.

Show unsolicited affection. Share how I could show up better for you in our relationship. Speak up if I'm doing something that's hurting you.

That was an interesting one, because so many people were afraid of hurting their partner with their vulnerability. But then here we have on the other end, somebody like, no, I want to know.

Yeah, I want to know if I'm.

Doing something that hurts you.

Yeah. And then finally be willing to try things you won't be perfect at right away.

Yeah, I just. I love the specificity of these things. Like, if you were to tell me, Xander, like, just, like, be more vulnerable, I. I'd be like, okay, like, how?

What?

I. I don't know what it is. So, like, I like getting into the nitty gritty of, like, what does that mean to you? And so we're going to transition now into about how to be vulnerable. And I think that is a great early step is to really figure out, like, what are the specific ways of being vulnerable that are most meaningful to you? Because Everybody's different. Like for some people, you know, being willing to say you're sorry and own your mistakes, that might be very powerful for them. And someone else might be like, oh, you know, that's not really such a big deal for me.

Yeah. Or so sort of like, yeah, you know, like we moved on. It doesn't feel so emotionally charged anymore, you know, whatever.

Okay, so let's really start breaking down how to be vulnerable. If you're still a little nervous, a little hesitant, maybe spend a little bit more time thinking about the benefits of vulnerability. And I think going through your own history can be super powerful here. So think back to times in your past when you were vulnerable and times when you were not vulnerable and think about what the outcomes were in those situations. So you could even make a list here of like, what are specific instances or big milestones that spring to mind. And if you're somebody who has not historically been very vulnerable, I think asking yourself, has my non vulnerable approach really been working out for me? So like, looking at that, okay, here was another time that I wasn't vulnerable. I didn't share what was really going on or I didn't ask for help or I didn't tell my truth. And yeah, I, I lost a relationship over that or you know, I felt really resentful of my partner. Like taking a look at what outcomes came up for you.

Yeah, I think you're going to be hard pressed to find situations where it was like, yeah, I was really not vulnerable in that situation and I came away feeling closer than ever to that person.

Next, our suggestion is to start small. So with vulnerability, a lot of people feel like they just have to jump into the deep end right away and you don't have to. Like, we can do small steps with vulnerability to help you get more comfortable.

Yeah, I think it's so easy to take an all or nothing approach here. If you don't have a history of being vulnerable, you're like, oh well, oh God. Like if I have to be vulnerable, then I have to share this list of 10 things. And then every single time something comes to mind, I have to like share it with no filter. And it's like, no, that is not at all what we are talking about. Like, like being vulnerable can, you know, starting to be vulnerable, that can be a years long process of slowly easing your way in. Slowly sharing things when you feel ready to. It is not like, okay, I've decided to do this and now we're all in and now everything is changing. This is just a slow Steady thing.

Yeah. So, I mean, you could start with, like, minor acts of vulnerability in low risk risk situations. You could even start, like, if being vulnerable in your relationship feels too vulnerable right now, like, start practicing being a little bit more vulnerable with your friends or family and, like, see how that goes. So then, when it comes to wanting to be more vulnerable with your partner, a great early step can be asking them about their family history or their cultural history with vulnerability. So, like, getting their story about vulnerability, like, what did you grow up believing about this? What examples did you see from the people around you? Like, listen to this episode together. That can be another great starting point, too. But developing a little bit of empathy for your partner, like, you know, it's totally fine to want your partner to be more vulnerable. And that is the goal of this episode, to help you both be more vulnerable with each other. And it's also really helpful to recognize our own stories around it, like, what holds us back, what makes it feel really scary. You can also set some intentions with your partner. So again, use this episode as a great conversation starter. You can tell your partner, hey, Xander and Vanessa, we're talking about vulnerability this week. I would really like to practice getting more vulnerable. Like, I want to be more vulnerable. I would love for you to be more vulnerable. If you have kids, you can even loop in, like, I want us to teach our kids how to have healthy relationships with vulnerability, but just, like, stating those intentions in that way. And as part of that, you could also set some ground rules for what would make you feel more comfortable. So a great ground rule to set is to tell your partner. Like, if I tell you, hey, can I share something vulnerable with you? Or this is really vulnerable for me to share. Like, whenever I share something like that, like, please don't tease me. That's just, like, off limits for me to be teased about. Or, you know, I want you to recognize that it's really hard for me to share that. So, you know, I don't want to be teased for that. Or another little ground rule that you could set is just listen, don't respond. So if you're like, you know, I'm sharing my vulnerability with you, but this is not me asking for help. I don't want you to jump in and, like, try to fix it. You can tell your partner ahead of time. Like, can you please just listen but not respond?

Yeah, Yeah. I think that that is. That that is really important, especially because I know men, especially. I have fallen into this trap many times in the past, and I still do occasionally. Men are socialized to feel like their role is to fix things, and so often they will misunderstand vulnerability for somebody sort of sharing, oh, I'm having this problem. And even though I didn't ask you to solve the problem, that my value as a man is to jump in and give a suggestion or try to fix something. And very often with vulnerable things, really all your partner is looking for is for you to just hear them and see them and just acknowledge. Yeah, wow, that sounds really tough. Or even just sharing ways that you yourself have experienced something similar. That's relating with them. That's a great way to show someone that you've heard them is saying, oh, yeah, thank you so much for sharing that. That reminds me of a time where I dealt with something similar and then both of you are being vulnerable.

Another tip is to be willing to go first. I think you sort of alluded to this earlier. Like, there are so many couples where both partners want the other partner to be more vulnerable, and they're just at this standstill waiting for the other person to go first. Like, this happens with so many things in relationships. You use the initiation comparison already too. Like, that's another huge. And we just like, want our partner to go first because. Because that's less vulnerable. Right. Like, you do it first and then I'll know that it's okay for me to do it too. So, like, yes, of course it would be easier if your partner just magically started being more vulnerable on their own first. But we all have to be willing to be vulnerable and take that first step. And I also want to say, like, when it comes to personal development and, you know, improvement, like, very often in relationships you are on totally different timelines. Like, one person gets really jazzed about, like, I want to, you know, work on all self development. I want to get better at these things. And like, you get so jazzed and excited, you want your partner to be along for the ride immediately with you.

Yeah. But the reality is it's actually taking you a long time to get on board with something or for you to get jazzed. I feel like we make this mistake so, so often. We totally. We have amnesia for like, oh, it actually took me like a year to get myself on board with like going on a fitness journey or a health journey or whatever it is. And it's like the moment you start to get excited about it, you're like, oh, yeah, well, all I have to do is like, get my partner excited about it and it's gonna be so great. And it's like, you gotta let them be on their own timeline.

Yeah.

But I do think with going first, you know, one that does show your partner, hey, this is an okay thing to do. This is something that we can do in our relationship. But I think it also, it gives you the ability or the opportunity to kind of, like, ask them for some vulnerability because you could share something that's going on for you, something that feels vulnerable for you. And then, you know, you could ask them afterwards, hey, like, have you ever experienced anything like that? Or have you ever thought anything like that? What is this like for you? So you can kind of cue them to show up vulnerably too, because you've just shown. Oh, okay. Hey, I just talked about this thing that I struggle with, and that was totally okay. You know, she's not judging me for it. I'm not judging her for it. And now she's asking me if I've ever experienced anything similar that creates a much more open environment for sharing versus just, you know, the. The classic, hey, we need to be more vulnerable.

Yeah.

Go first.

Yeah. Another tip here is to start positive. Like, vulnerability doesn't just have to be talking about bad or hard things.

Yeah.

Like, it could also be talking about things like hopes or dreams. Like, maybe it's scary to you to acknowledge, like, a dream that you really have for your life or something you'd love to pursue with your life. Like, I think it can be easier to start with positive things rather than going into the depths of, like, the hardest, scariest stuff to share with your partner.

Oh, yeah. Though I will say I think a lot of people get really scared about sharing hopes or dreams or goals because of the fear that, like, we're not going to achieve them. Or, like, oh, well, if I say it and I don't do it, then I failed. But the reality is, look, like you are almost certain to not achieve something if you won't even verbalize that it's something that you want. So, like, yeah, I think you might as well share it. Put it out into the universe, you know, make yourself more accountable to it. It is okay. It's okay to not hit a goal or, you know, for something to not happen that is part of life. But also, like, yeah, you're going to miss all the shots that you don't take.

I sort of mentioned this tip already, but I think it's really great to call out when you're being vulnerable. Like, to tell, literally tell your partner, like, hey, this is me being vulnerable, or this is something really vulnerable for Me to share. So please be gentle with me. Please be kind to me, you know, but just really, like, prefacing it, setting your partner up for success in that way. Sometimes I think we're so afraid of sharing these things that we. You were speaking to this a bit earlier, too. Like, we don't even share with our partner. Like, this is actually really vulnerable. And then that can lead to so many misunderstandings.

Oh, yeah. And also saying that. Just verbalizing that to yourself, or I mean, to the. You're saying it to yourself as much as you are saying it to your partner. I think that this is a great way to also transform your own relationship with vulnerabilities. If you remind yourself, hey, this is me being vulnerable. That starts to change your own perception of yourself. And you're like, oh, I am a vulnerable person. I do share vulnerable things. Yeah, this is vulnerable. And that kind of helps you also, like, feel good about yourself. Like, hell, yeah, I'm going to give myself a pat on the back. I just.

Just share something really vulnerable and finally keep going. I know it's really tempting. Like, when you share one vulnerability one time and your partner doesn't respond in the exact way that you wanted them to, it's so easy for us to retreat into our shells and tell ourselves this story of, like, oh, I tried that once. Didn't work out. I'm never doing it ever again. But again, this is the very nature of vulnerability. That it's not going to be perfect. That it requires vulnerability to be vulnerable and to keep being vulnerable. Keep going, keep trying. Don't ever expect perfection from you or from your partner, but just be willing to keep going. All right, well, that wraps up our episode on vulnerability. We have a little gift for you that we are gonna link in the show notes. We have a great free guide called the simple daily check in that every couple should be doing. It's a very easy, very fast daily check in that you and your partner can do. Gives you a couple of great question. But it really creates the container for you and your partner to start practicing being vulnerable with each other.

Yeah. It's the structure that you need to kind of consistently show up and at least have the opportunity to share things so it doesn't feel like every time you have something to share, you have to kind of like, pick the perfect moment or be like, oh, is this right? Oh, is. Or, oh, no, maybe not now. So doing a kind of regular check in, like, that can be so valuable because it's just like, okay, yeah, yeah, this is the time that we share vulnerable things.

So we'll link that in the show notes for you.

All right. And that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about how to create more privacy for sex.