Episode 17: How To Allow Yourself To Receive In The Bedroom

If you don't deserve it, if you don't deserve to receive in the bedroom, what is it that you do deserve then? Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with 20 years.

Of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

So make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Imagine this. Your partner comes up to you right now and they say, tonight, babe, I want it to be all about you. Let me lick you up and down until you say stop Let me play with your body, baby Till you get real hot Let me do all the things I want you to do, you want me to do.

I'm still not sure what song.

Good night, baby I wanna get freaky with you.

We might need our podcast engineer to auto tune that to the appropriate tune. I. I feel like maybe I know what song it is, but off key, I'm very unsure.

I. Well, you know, you've been singing in the episode, so I had to chime in there.

I am so happy that you did that because I don't know if anyone listening has any idea of what an angelic voice Vanessa has.

Beautiful. I actually cannot remember what song that is. It just popped into my head about, like, focusing on you, playing with your body, baby. So shoot us a DM on Instagram. Vanessa Marin Therapy. What song is that? Do you know it? Did you really enjoy my musical interlude?

So anyways, I do have a memory of very early on in our relationship. I think that you told me, like, I just need you to know that I have a horrible voice. Like, I can't sing.

Really? Yeah, I, like, had to give a disclaimer.

Yeah, I remember receiving a disclaimer from you because it was kind of like, I don't know, I would, like, sing along to stuff in the car and, like, maybe I didn't hear you do that so much. I think you're like, just so you know, like, I don't really, like, sing.

Well, all right, There we go. Okay. I looked it up. It's called Freak Me by Silk and the chorus is Freak me, baby, in a really low baritone voice. So I'll sing that part to. To wrap up this episode. But anyways, if you haven't Guessed. We are talking today about receiving in the bedroom, because this is something that a lot of people struggle with. And the reality is that in order to enjoy sex, we have to receive. We have to receive our partner's time, their attention, their love energy, their singing to us. You know, there's a lot of things that we have to receive. And so many aspects of great sex are tied into receiving, even things like being present in the moment. Feeling pleasure is all about receiving, feeling emotionally connected with your partner, and in particular, orgasm. I mean, you know, in finishing school, our online course that teaches women how to orgasm, this is one of the biggest blockages that women report around their orgasm, that they just really struggle to receive in the moment. So we went over to Instagram, like we always do, and we asked our audience, do you struggle to receive in the bedroom? And 63% of our entire audience said.

Yes, which is actually a little lower than I expected.

I feel like we say that every week. It's like a little lower than I expected. Well, we did have tons of women, in particular women reached out to us to say, I really struggled with this previously, but since following you guys on Instagram, now I don't, which is awesome. But again, I think we joked about this the other day. I'm like, I think we have to make two different Instagram accounts. But, like, tell us what your sex life is like before you started following us and then after. So I'm glad that it is something that a lot of people are not struggling with, and hopefully we will add to that number by the end of this episode.

Goals for all of our new followers.

That's a long hashtag.

No, no, just goals for all our new followers. Hashtag goals. You can be like these women for.

All our new followers.

We want you to be like these people who reached out and said, I used to really struggle with this, and I see you talk about it a lot, and I've put certain things into place. I don't feel that way anymore, or at least not so much anymore. Important to acknowledge, like, there is no way to perfectly receive to 100% of the time feel comfortable and receiving. I think this is something we can aspire to. I mean, I know for me, I. I wouldn't describe myself as having trouble receiving, but I can definitely imagine some scenarios where I might have a couple thoughts or maybe be like, oh, my God, it's been two hours. Oh, my God, that's too long or something.

Oh, two hours.

I don't know. I'm making up. I'm trying to make up numbers.

I think a lot of people listening to this are struggling more in the realm of, like, two minutes.

Yeah, I might be like, you know, it's two hours. I'm just too tired. I'm falling apart. Sleep. It's way past my bedtime.

When I lick you up and down for two hours, that's when you say, stop.

I might get a little bored after.

A little pruney.

A little bored, a little tired.

Okay, so let's talk about why this is a challenge. So another question that we ask people is, like, tell us when your partner is trying to focus on you. When they say, baby, let me lick you up and down until you say stop, what is it that comes up for you that makes you struggle with receiving? So we got a ton of different answers. We're going to go through some of them. A big one was, it feels selfish. So a lot of people said they feel guilty receiving. One woman said, I question whether I've focused on him enough, as if there had to be some completely reciprocal arrangement here.

Yeah. And that must get really exhausting, Constantly thinking of, oh, have I given enough such that I can even think about receiving? Understandable that that would be a blockage to receiving and that.

Yeah, nobody wants to be keeping a tally in your head of, oh, well, I gave him a blowjob for 2.79 minutes. And, you know, I had another one the other day that was 10 minutes and 36 seconds. I don't know why my measurements are all over the place, but just the first numbers that come up came to my mind.

A lot of people felt that they don't deserve it. They don't deserve pleasure, they don't deserve to receive. They don't deserve or attention.

Yeah. It brought up, like, these issues around worthiness for a lot of people, and I think it cut really deep. Rationally, A lot of these people would say, like, yeah, okay, I'm allowed to receive in the bedroom. But there was just this, like, really deep emotional reaction coming up of, ooh, I don't deserve that. Another really common response that came up was people saying, it feels like a waste of time since I'm not going to come. Orgasm in particular, like, really got looped around in this. We heard about this, like, almost exclusively from women. I take too long. So, you know, really, like, I would let my partner focus on me for, like, one minute, two minutes. But at that point, this fear starts to kick in of, like, I'm taking too long, my partner's getting bored. We've got to Move along. A lot of women said, I feel like I should be enjoying it more, but I don't. So that brings up guilt. It brings up that lack of worthiness. Another woman said, like, I feel pressure to perform that I'm enjoying it and I have to be over the top in showing him that I really, really love it. Finally, another woman said, frustrated that it's not what I want, but I don't have the words or the knowledge to teach what I want. So a lot of different dynamics, but all wrapped up around this idea of orgasm. Feeling like just this waste of time.

It feels like this whole all or nothing type of thing where it's like, I need to be able to guarantee that I will orgasm within X number of minutes, otherwise I don't deserve it. Or I need to be able to guarantee that I can explain exactly what it is that I want perfectly in order to receive it. And yeah, I mean, in reality, we can't ever make those kind of promises or those guarantees. Even if we know in general what it is that we want or what it is that we need. Even though we think we might want a certain thing or we think we might know how to do a certain thing or what we need, there's no guarantee in the moment that the thing that worked last time is going to work this time. Our bodies are imperfect and always changing.

Oh, yeah.

All right. So another thing is just fear that he or the partner isn't enjoying what they're doing. Why would you want someone to do something that you assume that they dislike?

A lot of people also called out, like, not feeling comfortable in their own body, like, oh, I don't want to. And again, this came up, like, almost exclusively from women. Like, oh, I don't want to let my partner go down on me because they're going to be grossed out about it. Or I don't want them that up close and personal with my body.

Yeah. Or it can stir up fear from past sexual abuse. I think this is super common and super understandable.

Embarrassment and shame. Again, we got back to this, like, oh, it's gross for my partner to have to do this to me. Or general, like, embarrassment and shame around sex.

And a lot of people said it just feels way too vulnerable. And people express this anxiety around truly being seen. I think there's this idea that, you know, you're just fully on display when you're receiving. Yeah, your partner's going to see all of that.

Another common response was, my mind wanders or I have too many distracting thoughts in my Head. So just this feeling of, like, I have a hard time being present with receiving because I just get so distracted.

Also, a lot of people mentioned they felt pressure to reciprocate by receiving. So this idea that, oh, okay, well, if he's gonna go down on me, it means that I need to immediately go down on him right afterward. And so feeling some, like, unsureness about, like, if I let my partner do this to me, does it mean that I have to do that exactly to them or I need to spend this amount of time or I need to do this or that.

There were some people who said, even if my partner tells me, like, I want this to be all about you, they don't believe it. They feel like, no, you don't. Like, I have to give back to you. Otherwise you'll get frustrated or angry or upset.

And that's a hard way to live your life. It's like constant scorekeeping.

Yeah. And then finally, I just wanted to read one last quote from a woman who reached out and she said, is he okay? Does he really want to be doing this? Am I being appreciative enough? Giving enough feedback? Basically, I'm more concerned with his experience and perception of me than my own enjoyment. And I just really appreciated that quote because I think she pulled together a lot of the different dynamics that we're labeling around why this is so challenging. And also labeled this, like, very central experience, I think comes up for a lot of us women, this feeling that we're supposed to prioritize our partner's experience over our own. So we are really going to dive into today. Like, how do you shift that equation and bring your energy back to focus on your own experience in the bedroom and allowing yourself to receive.

Before we do that, we're going to get into the review of the week. This podcast has already changed a number of ways that I approach my relationship and sex life with my husband. So many practical life skills. We are listening to each other in a whole new way and communicating so much about what we hear on this podcast. Love the episode on how to kiss. Who knew a little lip nibble could be so good? Tears of joy. Hallelujah. Stars emojis for Xander to interpret, which I happily just did.

Actually, I don't know how I would describe that last one. Like, little, little twinkles. They're not stars.

So it's like I'm so happy that I'm crying and my eyes are twinkling. You know, that emotion.

You know, twinkling eye emotion. Well, I love that this person left emojis specifically for you to interpret.

Keep them coming.

Yeah, you did a pretty good job.

Keep them coming. And they finished it off with. Love you both. And keep the amazing content coming. We'll keep the content coming if you keep the weird emojis going. And I need actually my feelings wheel so that I can identify the right emotions to assign to these emojis. You know, we talked about this, I think in our last episode about the feelings wheel. There's no way to be like perfect at describing feelings. It would be super helpful for me to have my little feelings chart wheel right now.

Well, hopefully somebody will challenge you next week with a emoji laden review.

So what is up with the review of the week, you might ask. Well, if you are brand new to this, we pick a review from Apple podcasts every single week. If you are the winner, you can send us a question and we will send you back a response answering your question. A little free coaching from Vanessa and me. So if you want to enter, all you need to do, leave a review on Apple podcasts, send us a screenshot of that review on Instagram. Vanessa Marin Therapy. We ask you to send us a screenshot because Apple sometimes takes a little while. So that way we guarantee that you get your entry in the drawing and then we'll choose a winner. You only need to enter once and then we will choose from our pool of reviews every single week. And yeah, if we pick you, just send us a DM and with your question and we will send a response back to you pretty quickly.

And we do this just as our little way of saying thank you for leaving reviews. We know that it takes time out of your day. Just a minute. You know, we know it does take time to leave these reviews, but they mean so much to us. They really, really help the podcast grow. So we are just so appreciative to you if you enjoy any of these free episodes that we put out. It really would mean the world to us if you could take just a few seconds to leave a quick little review. It can even just be emojis if you want. All right, so let's get back into our topic of how do we get comfortable receiving? So we're going to walk you through a bunch of tips that we have. The first one that we want to start with is to get curious about yourself. That's why we started off the podcast with that question of what does it stir up for you if your partner offers to focus on you, if they want to give to you in the bedroom?

Because most of us Never get past this step. Most of us just go, oh, no. And then come up with an excuse. Or we get kind of weird about it and it just kind of becomes this thing where, you know, it's a defense mechanism. We don't very often want to really investigate our feelings and something we feel some blockage or sort of some weirdness inside. We go, oh, like, I want to shove that down. So it's easier to just be like, no, I don't do that. I don't like that. And then not think about it again. So we're going to challenge you here.

Yeah. What is the specific response that it stirs up for you? And, you know, we read this pretty big list of all of these unique responses that people had around this. It was funny. Like, as we were reading through it, I was like, God, is this dragging on a little long? Should we maybe, like, cut some of these out? But I was looking through the list and I'm like, you know what? Every single one of these is so unique. We should share all of them. And this is just a small, small sampling of the responses that we got. So, you know, if you're struggling to receive because you don't feel worthy of it, that's a very different journey for you than somebody who's struggling to receive because their mind is wandering. Right. It's like very different blockages that are coming up. So it's important for you to get a better sense of what is the unique blockage that's coming, coming up for you. Then we have a couple of other questions that we think can be really useful for you to dig into. Do you have a hard time receiving in other ways? So I think we have this tendency to think of. We sort of think of what happens during sex in a vacuum. It's a weird sounding sentence, but we just don't think about how these dynamics might show up in other areas of our lives. But the reality is that what happens outside of the bedroom affects what happens inside of the bedroom, vice versa. Who we are inside the bedroom affects who we are outside of the bedroom, vice versa. So I'm willing to bet that if you struggle to receive in the bedroom, there are probably other ways that you struggle to receive as well.

I know for myself, I've struggled to receive outside the bedroom. Like, I very much have struggled for a long time to receive compliments from people. I kind of like, would like to deflect compliments. And I thought that I was just being humble, but I've come to realize I kind of would deflect compliments that people gave me about, like, congratulations on this work thing. Congratulations on this life thing. I was like, oh, it's not really a big deal, because, like, I didn't really feel comfortable truly taking that in. And ultimately, I eventually realized that it was encouraging me to not feel very good about myself because instead of internalizing a compliment and actually feeling good about myself, I was just letting them bounce off. Away from me.

Yeah. It's interesting to notice, are there other areas where we struggle to receive? And if you think about this and you're like, actually, I'm pretty good at receiving in other areas of my life that can actually be really helpful to recognize and say, like, hey, you know what? I do have this skill in other areas. I am capable of this. Let me figure out how I bring that skill that I have that's inside of me into the bedroom too. So I think there's just a lot of interesting stuff that can come up around this question. Another question that we would encourage you to think about is what has not allowing yourself to receive cost you? I think with this question, it's just interesting to really, like, play it out. So if you have pushed your partner's head away when they try to go down on you, literally, like, you're missing out on physical pleasure, but maybe you're also missing out on an opportunity for your partner to explore what you like and discover how to bring you more pleasure. Maybe you're missing an opportunity to get more comfortable and confident in your own skin. Like, there are just so many nuances and details that can come up when we really take the time to think it through.

Yeah. Maybe you're missing an opportunity a week from now or a month from now for your partner to do that again because you continue to push their head away, and eventually they receive the message which they think they're getting from you, which is, you don't like that or you don't want that.

Yeah. And there can be all sorts of different responses that come up for you. So maybe it might even be something like, it's costing me true intimacy with my partner, you know, because I don't let my partner see me, or I don't let myself be really vulnerable in front of my partner. So, you know, whenever we have something that we want to work towards, like, I want to get more comfortable receiving in the bedroom, we can use answers to these kinds of questions as that motivation. If we really get this clear picture of, like, this is what I'm missing out on. All of these different, different things that's going to get you fired up to say, you know what? I am ready once and for all to learn how to receive.

Especially because in the moment, what happens is we feel a sense of discomfort, uncomfortableness with whatever is happening. And so in that individual moment, it's so easy to just be overwhelmed by feeling uncomfortable. I just want this discomfort to go away. So I'm just going to say, no, I'm going to deflect. But if you have in the back of your mind this whole list of, oh, if I let this discomfort inform my decisions, I am sacrificing all of this other stuff, it becomes much easier to be like, oh, you know what? Maybe I can sit with that discomfort, at least temporarily, so that I can have all this stuff in the future.

Okay, so our next tip is to know that you do deserve it. So this should come as no surprise that Xander and I believe that you are deserving of a sex life that is playful and intimate and passionate and pleasurable. Oh, yeah, of course we believe that.

That's why we're. Yeah.

But we kind of want to, like, play with this a little bit because we know this belief of I don't deserve it came up for so many.

People, and it's really a deep down belief or fear.

Oh, yeah.

Even it's, you know, it's in that childish part of our psyche.

Yeah. It's. It's really emotional for a lot of people. So we kind of want to just play with this for a second. If you don't deserve it, if you don't deserve to receive in the bedroom, what is it that you do deserve then? Is it sex that is completely for your partner that is not at all about you? Like, no aspect of the experience, no moment of the experience is for you. It's just for your partner.

Yeah. Because they deserve pleasure, but you don't deserve pleasure. Right.

Yeah. So I think sometimes when we kind of play it out like that, and I would encourage you, you know, to spend a little bit of time thinking about, yeah, like, what would sex look like if I really and truly believed I don't deserve pleasure? And if I let that belief guide all of my actions in the bedroom, what would sex actually look like with your partner? And is that what you deserve? All right, next we want to talk about the two gift reframe, fancy name that we came up with right in the moment here. So we want you to think about the act of giving and receiving as gifts. So let me explain this by giving you an example. Last year, I gave Xander, a pair of noise canceling headphones. I bought these noise canceling headphones, like, months in advance of his birthday because we were on a trip and he was complaining about, like, being on a plane, how noisy it is. He wished that he had noise canceling headphones. Right? And so I got super excited because Xander is a difficult man to get presents for. And I bought these headphones, like, right away. When it finally was Xander's birthday, I was giving him a gift, right? I was giving him noise canceling headphones. They are for you. You get to use them, enjoy them on planes, never worry about the plane sounds ever again. So it's a gift to Xander, but it was also kind of a gift to me because I got to have all of this excitement around it. I was so stoked when I had this great idea. I was excited to find the exact right pair to hide it from him for months, to wrap it up, to hand it to him, to see the look on his face, to see him enjoying them on plane rides that we took afterwards. It was kind of a gift for me too. This same two gift reframe can come up during sex as well. So when your partner says, I want to focus on you, I want to give to you. Let me look you up and down, baby. How many times can I work this reference into one podcast episode? They are trying to give you the gift of pleasure. They're trying to say, hey, I want to pleasure you. I want you to have a good experience. Let me give you this gift. And by you receiving that gift and letting your partner focus on you, you're actually giving them a gift too, because they get to have this excitement, this enjoyment, this sense of, like, doing something for you, making you feel good. Like, it feels good for them too.

Yeah. And by saying no or deflecting or redirecting, you're taking away two potential gifts. You're taking away a gift to yourself of the pleasure that you might receive, and you're taking away the gift to your partner of the pleasure or the enjoyment they get by giving to you.

Okay, so, like, let's imagine that on Xander's birthday, I hand over this gift to him, and he's like, oh, no, thank you. I don't want anything for my birthday.

I don't. I don't need those headphones.

I've been a bad boy this year. I don't deserve anything. Like, how is that gonna feel for me? Like, he doesn't get to have. Get to experience the gift of these headphones that he really wants. And I don't get to experience the gift of giving to him.

Yeah. In fact, I've actively taken away something. Like, Vanessa has spent all this time, like, thinking about what it is she wants to get me going out. She probably did some research to figure out, like, which headphones she wanted to get. She got the headphones, she hid them in the house so I wouldn't find them, and then I'm just like, oh, no, I. I don't want that. Like, that it, like, negates all this work that she's done. Yeah.

So I think it can just be an interesting way to reframe it in your head, especially if you're. You go to the place of thinking, like, oh, I'm being so selfish if I allow myself to receive. Like, think about the gift, the experience that you're also denying your partner. And I just want to be super clear. Like, we don't mean you have to allow your partner to do anything they want to do to you. Like, of course not. You get to have boundaries. You get to have agency and control over your own body. Like, we are not safe saying that at all. But I think because it can get so emotional and painful and, you know, bring up these feelings of unworthiness, I think it can be really useful to view this as, like, a gift that we give to ourselves, that we give to our partner. It just puts a lighter, like, I think a beautiful kind of spin on it to think about it in this way.

Yeah. And so if what you're thinking right now is, okay, well, they want to give me xyz, but I doubt that they actually enjoy it. Here's what you do. Instead of just suspecting that your partner is lying to you or they're faking it or whatever, you can ask them, tell me why it is that you, like, love going down on me or why you love insert, you know, whatever activity right there, why you love inserting.

Whatever body part into me.

Yeah. But, you know, like, ask them, like, what is it like for you when you do this? Yeah. Then you can hear from the horse's mouth, like. Like, why it is that they enjoy that. I think a lot of us just assume our partners hate doing this or hate doing that because we feel uncomfortable with it without even allowing them the chance to share what their experience is. And so if you can hear that from them, why they love to do this to you, how it brings them enjoyment, that can be a much easier way to open yourself up to receiving it.

Okay. Our next tip is to practice receiving outside of the Bedroom. So at the beginning of this episode, we asked you that question of is something that you struggle with in other areas of your life. Because we think it's important to practice the skills that we want to have in the bedroom. We can practice them outside of the bedroom first because that can feel a little less intimidating, overwhelming, but it still helps us build up those skills, build up this muscle memory, in a sense, that makes it easier to experience it in the bedroom. Can you let your partner and other people take care of you or do things for you? Practice like allowing yourself to receive that.

That. Yeah. Can you allow them to take a chore off of your plate or something off of your workload?

Can you take in compliments from them without deflecting? Xander was mentioning earlier that, you know, that was something that he struggled with.

I know I described my experience with struggling to take in compliments and what I ultimately did about that. You know, I still struggle sometimes. But what I have done is I tell myself now and someone gives me a compliment. I acknowledge that voice in me that goes, oh, just don't take this in. And I go, no. All I'm gonna say is thank you. I appreciate that. And what that makes me do is it makes me practice not feeling like I have to do or say anything else in return. Somebody gave me the gift of a compliment and all I need to do is thank them. I don't need to deflect, I don't need to compliment them. This person isn't fishing for compliments. They are trying to compliment me. And I can take that in.

So now let's move on to learning more about what you want in the bedroom. So sometimes we struggle to receive because we don't know what we want or what we need. Like, this is a really, really common theme that came up in so many of those responses of this idea. Like, yeah, I just, like, I don't even know what to ask for. I don't know what feedback to give to my partner, how to guide them. So we want to be clear. Like, it's not like you're ever going to get to this place where you're going to write out this, this, you know, 50 item manifesto that you hand over to your partner. Like, here's exactly what to do to me and when and in what order and for how long and how to do it.

My sexual user manual.

Yes, you're not going to create that. But that being said, it can be valuable to learn more about what you need, what you like in the bedroom so that you can at Least eliminate this part of the equation, this part of the anxiety or the blockage that comes up for you. So if you are listening to this episode, on the day that we are releasing it, we are in the middle of finishing school live 2021. So finishing school is an online course that we have that teaches women everything that you need to have consistent, reliable, and pleasurable orgasms on your own and with a partner.

And what that means in order to get there is receiving pleasure in the bedroom.

Oh, yes, this is a huge part of it. So, yeah, the course is specifically about orgasm, but it's an incredibly comprehensive course that covers so much about sexuality and having a healthy and happy and exciting sex life, because all the dynamics that feed into you being able to have an orgasm on your own and with your partner, like, they're really powerful things, including allowing yourself to receive in the bedroom, feeling more confident in your body, understanding your body, giving feedback and making requests, and, you know, allowing yourself to soak up that experience. So we do live rounds of the course about once a year. We actually haven't done one in about two years because it's been a wild couple of years. And so this is the only one that we're doing in 2021, not doing it again until 2022. And in 2022, there will be a pretty dramatic price increase. So now is the time. If you have ever checked out Finishing School before, heard us talk about it before, if you're even the slightest bit curious, definitely check it out. We'll put a link to go. Look at all the details for Finishing School in the show notes. I cannot recommend that highly enough. It's really such a transformational journey that you can go on. So pretty much, if you've liked any podcast episode that we've done, you will like Finishing School. So we'll put the link to check it out in the show notes. Notes. All right, now we want to give you some tips to use in the moment. So obviously, the other tips that we've been sharing in this episode, you know, a lot of them are pretty intense. Like, we're asking you to really dig deep and ask yourselves these kind of emotional questions. So we want to give you some just, like, tactical tools to use in the moment. If you find yourself just, like, in the moment with your partner and you're really struggling to receive, first thing, take some deep breaths. I think we really underestimate the power of breathing.

Oh, yeah. I think this could be applied to many or most situations in life. Breathing plays a huge role in how we feel how much energy we have, how much mental capacity we have for things.

Yeah, few deep breaths in through the nose, hold it for a second out through the mouth. Like, it really can help us move through, you know, whatever emotions we're experiencing in that moment. Another tip that you can try is to tune into your body. So when we go into our heads during sex, whether that's we're getting distracted by thoughts or we're thinking, you know, like, painful, emotional thoughts, like about not deserving it or not feeling worthy. A great way to combat that is to get yourself out of your head and back down into your body. So you can kind of do. You could do even, like, a little body scan where you imagine yourself starting at the tips of your toes and, like, direct your energy and attention down to your toes and then all the way up, you know, up your legs, up your torso, down your arms, back up your arms, up your neck. Just kind of, like, check in with every part of your body. You can also pay attention to what parts of your body is your partner touching, what does it feel like? What sensations are you feeling there? But basically, you just want to, like, get yourself back into your body so you're not just lost in your head in the moment. And then one other really useful technique that you can do is you can come up with, like, a mantra for yourself around this idea of receiving. So the most, like, simple, straightforward one that you could use is to tell yourself, all I have to do right now is receive.

Or it could be, I deserve pleasure.

It could be that. It could be, I want to receive this gift, or I want to give my partner this gift. Personalize it, make it suitable for the specific blockages that are coming up for you. But it can be really nice just to have this, like, one phrase to fall back on in the moment when you feel your brain going crazy with all these different, you know, thoughts. Thoughts just, like, to center yourself in. So I really like that one of, like, all I have to do right now is receive. But whatever it is that feels good for you, have some sort of mantra that you can fall back on in the moment.

All right, those are some great tips. Let's get into some listener questions. Now. My partner doesn't ever focus on me. How do I just ask him to start in the first place?

So for this one, I wonder if perhaps this person's partner had tried to focus on them in the past, but got turned down so many times that they thought, okay, I guess I just shouldn't do this anymore.

I think this Is a super, super common dynamic. We are not trying to shift the blame back onto you and be like, oh, actually, you told them no a bunch of times early on. You can see it could have been you. It also could have been past partners. Like, this is something that happens so widespread, like, amongst us societally, that it's super common that in our early sexual experiences, like, your partner may have been really into wanting to. To give or try something. And a partner that they were with or partners that they were with consistently said no or deflected. And, you know, it's totally normal then that you develop this idea of, oh, well, typically my partners don't enjoy this. So pretty. Like, I'm gonna stop offering that. This is not what people like.

Yeah, I mean, there definitely are people out there who are just selfish in the bedroom and don't really, you know, just like, if they are in other areas of their lives, they don't think about the other person. But. But in the majority of cases, it's like, you know, if your partner's a good, kind person, otherwise, like, probably they're operating under some sort of assumption that, like, this is not actually what you want. So I think a great starting point can be to suggest to your partner that you guys take turns focusing on each other. So you could say something like, hey, you know, it sounds really fun to me, or, I had a dream about this the other day. But say, like, you know, have a. About tonight. I focus just on you. It's all about you. And then tomorrow night, or, you know, Wednesday night, whatever it is, like, you focus on me. So that just makes it sound, like, really fun, sexy. It's something novel. A lot of us don't do this, so that'll be a good gauge for you if your partner's like, ooh, yeah, that sounds super hot. Like, probably what's been at play is just that your partner didn't realize that you wanted to receive. If your partner is discouraging or negative about that, then that's probably going to be a sign to you that there's, like, a deeper conversation that the two of you need to have. But I would start there.

My partner wants me to react in a certain way when they're giving me something, but that just isn't me.

Yeah, I think it sounds to me like what this person is speaking to is, like a performance pressure that they're feeling. They didn't give any additional information, but I'm guessing like the partner wants them to, like, make a lot of noise or talk dirty or something. Like that.

Or it's like, oh, I'm going down on you. Like, why aren't you, like, screaming with ecstasy or something?

Oh, I usually scream the entire way through. That's actually really funny. We, like, why are these talking about, like, screaming and ecstasy? Like, if you screamed when I went down on you, I would scare you away, probably. I would definitely jump up. Like, are you okay? What's wrong? Like, no screaming, please. You don't want to.

I mean, I will say, I think occasionally, you know, when one of us gets a little excited, maybe like, in. In the throes of ecstasy, there might be a little. Sometimes I feel like we've accidentally, like, yelled loudly in the other person's ear.

You're making me really nervous. I was like, where is this going? Where is this going? Yeah, well, that's always because, like, our.

It's our height difference.

Somebody's mouth is in somebody else's ear. I don't think it's actually that loud. It's just the proximity to the ear that makes it loud.

Loud. Yeah. Blame the one foot height difference.

Back to the question. Yeah, I think. So what I go to here is this person who's asking the question, can they share with their partner, hey, these are the signs that I am enjoying myself. This is what I authentically do. This dynamic came up between Xander and me early in I. Did you just think about that?

I just.

It just popped into my head.

I mean, it still comes up. And I have to remind myself about what you're about to explain.

When I get really close to orgasm, like, I make a fair amount of noise, a lot of screaming. But when I'm. I don't scream. You know what I'm thinking of now is like, are those like goats? Those, like, screaming goats?

Yeah.

Like, the noise that I'm thinking of now, it's awful. But, okay, when I get in close to orgasm, I get very, very quiet. And so we had some miscommunications early in our relationship because Xander was thinking like, oh, she's gone quiet. Like, she is not enjoying herself.

Yeah, she gets quiet and still. So it's like, you know, she's moving around, she's vocally enjoying herself, and then all of a sudden, it goes away. So for me, in my experience, I'm like, okay, like, we're getting. This is like, it's getting better and better. Like, closer, closer, closer. And then silence. And I'm like, oh, my God. Am I. What. What happened? Like, am I doing something wrong? Is it. Did I miss something?

Like, And Then, yeah, inevitably, what would happen. Inevitably, what would happen is Xander would change his technique, which would, you know, he'd be like, oh, this is sucking. Let me do something different.

Start going harder. Gotta get the good times back.

And then for me, it'd be like, oh, my God, I was so close. I was right about to orgasm. And now I'm, like, starting. Starting over at square one. So we ended up having a conversation where I had to say, like, no, no, that's a good sign. Like, if I am quiet, that is a really good sign. And so, you know, we both kind of made adjustments where Xander learned, like, okay, quiet is a good thing. And I tried. Like, I worked on being more vocal, giving other signs that I was enjoying myself. So a similar sort of dynamic, you know, may be coming up between the two of you. So that's why you. Your partner is sort of, like, pushing you to respond so that they get this more clear feedback that you're enjoying yourself. So you can tell your partner, hey, that's not how I, like, naturally express my pleasure and my enjoyment, but this is how I do it.

Yeah. And hopefully you can have a little empathy for your partner. Because the way most of us get this idea of, like, what the signs should be are, like, from what we see in movies and what we see in porn. And oftentimes that does not match up with the reality of what it's really like for everyday people or, you know, for your partner right now.

Yeah. So there may be a way that you guys can make a little bit of a compromise. So maybe your partner, you know, wants to know, hey, could you make a little bit more noise or could you. In, like, Xander, in my example, it's like, you know, maybe I could say something to him, like, I'm really close before I go quiet.

Keep going. Don't stop.

Yeah. So is there something that you can do to help your partner more clearly know that you are experiencing pleasure?

How do I feel? Okay, Receiving, even if I don't orgasm, or I don't think I'm gonna orgasm.

So even though we've just talked to you about finishing school, you know, this course that we teach all about orgasm, we're also really clear that orgasm is not the be all, end all to sex. And orgasm is not how you define whether or not sex has been, like, successful or great or.

Yeah. Or enjoyable or enjoyable. I think it really depends on the person. For some people, they may feel. Feel frustrated if they get closer or have a lot of pleasure and don't have an orgasm. And Some people don't have that. It's just we're all different. Our bodies are different. And so you have to gauge, who are you? What do you need? What is it like for you? Do you find yourself feeling let down or disappointment, or do you find yourself feeling fulfilled and satisfied?

Yeah, and it depends on where you are in your orgasm journey as well, too. So, like, if you have not been able to to orgasm on your own, or you have not been able to get there with your partner, that doesn't mean that you get zero enjoyment out of sex. You know, an orgasm on Average lasts from 2 to 20 seconds. But you could have sex with your partner for hours and hours and hours. So, you know, having that one little experience doesn't take away from the rest of the experience. So I think that's just such an important thing to keep in mind. Your orgasm isn't the most important thing. It isn't. Isn't the only thing in sex, like, you can still get so much fulfillment and enjoyment without an orgasm.

Receiving always feels so powerless. Is there a way to make it feel powerful?

Yes. I mean, this is such a great reframe to make.

Yeah, this is a great question.

Yeah, I know. It's like they're asking us a question, but I'm like, no, you got the reframe, like, already there in the question. Receiving can be an incredibly powerful, powerful act. I hear this come up a lot with women when it comes to having your partner go down on you. A lot of women say, like, oh, I just. Like, I'm lying there, kind of like, where do I look? What do I touch? What do I do? Like, I just feel like I'm just laying there. But I think that that can actually be such a great opportunity to channel this feeling of power of, like, my partner is just worshiping my body right.

Now, focused completely on me. Me.

Yeah, it can be even kind of like the. Like, Cleopatra was popping into my mind for some reason. But, like, maybe channeling some, like, just super powerful, badass woman in history about, like, how would Cleopatra or Joan of Arc or, you know, whoever, like, how would they feel with their partner focusing on them? For them, it'd probably be this like, yes, I'm a badass. I'm a queen. Like, of course my partner wants to be focusing on me. Of course I'm deserving of this. Like, we really can flip that around and allow ourselves to recognize that, like, this is an incredibly powerful experience to allow ourselves to receive. And even if you think about it in the sense of, like, yeah. I'm allowing myself to receive this gift. My partner is bringing this beautiful gift to me, and I am saying, yes, I will take that gift and receive it. All right, so that wraps up our episode on how to get more comfortable receiving in the bedroom. So if this is something that you have struggled with and you're just really wanting to dive into it and allow yourself to. To experience more pleasure, connection, intimacy, excitement during sex, definitely recommend again checking out finishing school. It is such a fun course, I cannot tell you. And we're so excited to be doing it live. We're doing, like, group coaching calls that are totally anonymous and private, but you'll get this opportunity to get coaching from me. Xander's doing some calls as well. We've got all sorts of fun stuff going on with it, so we'll put again the link to check that out in the show notes. But we definitely, definitely recommend just giving it a peruse.

Yeah, we would love for you to be one of the many thousands of success stories we've already had with this course. It's just been life changing for so many women, and one of the reasons why I'm so proud to be a part of this business with Vanessa.

Oh, thanks, babe. I will receive that compliment. Thank you.

I am for sure not fishing for any.

All right, well, that is it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thanks so much for listening, and join us again next week when we talk about how to date your partner.

But do you have a question that you want answered on the podcast? Leave us a message at 774P I L L O W1. That's 774Pillow1.

Or you can call and sing us your favorite 90s sexy slow jam. Leave us a message.

Sure. You can say whatever you want because it is our own little sex hotline. It's a free hotline. It's not that type of sex hotline. You know, just for the podcast. Leave us a voicemail. I promise you no one will ever pick up the phone. So you can just sing your song, leave your message, and if you leave a question, we will answer your question on our next podcast, hopefully.

All right, thanks for listening and we'll talk to you next week.