Episode 180: Smash Or Pass: We Try The Weirdest Women’s Magazines Sex Tips

You'd have to do a lot of preparation, like laying down towel, like towels or I don't know, a tarp or something. You'd have to really commit to this. And not only that, you'd have to commit to ingesting.

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.

And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Go to Zocdoc.comPillow and download the Zocdoc app for free. Today we are playing another round of Smash or Pass, our series where we try out the Internet's weirdest sex tips.

So you don't have to.

We sacrifice ourselves.

Our bodies.

Our bodies, our hearts, our minds. So you can see are all these weird sex tips that we see everywhere, are these actually good sex tips? Should you try them out or should you spare yourself and never, ever attempt any of these?

Yeah. I really want everyone to know that both Vanessa and I, we really put our bodies, like physically and emotionally on the line testing this out. We did it right before this, actually, so that it would be fresh in our minds.

Well, we did a couple before.

Yeah.

Today we have a very special theme. 90s women's magazines.

You know what we're talking about?

Oh, you do?

We're trying not to name names.

If you grew up in the 90s, you saw these magazines all over the checkout stands at the grocery stor. I remember seeing the tips on the covers of the magazines thinking like, oh my God, I have got to get my hands on one of these. I need to know what all these tips are.

Oh, yeah. I mean, you probably thought that you were really gonna up level your sex game, right?

I absolutely did.

Well, I mean, not that you were really having much, if any sex in the 90s, I don't think. Cause I know how old you were in the 90s, but honestly, these things probably bled into the early 2000s as well. But I mean, I remember seeing, you know, sometimes like even like I was.

Having sex in the 90s late 90s. I was like 15, 16.

What? I was 13 when we had Y2K.

99. I was 15 in 99.

Okay. All right. Look at you. Look at you. You know what? Vanessa. Vanessa was ahead of me. Vanessa was ahead of me. Yeah. I remember being at like doctor's offices or dentist offices and sometimes these magazines would be there because they were also like just kind of like regular magazine.

What child dentist did you go to that had women's magazines?

Like, I mean I think as mine had highlights. I think I stopped going to a child dentist like and child doc. I mean I went to like regular doctors. At a certain point. Like as a, as a young teenage.

I just got my entire medical record from my mom. She whipped it out at a dinner party at her house.

She did.

God knows why, but my entire medical record in one file and it was all the same doctor. All my pediatrician.

Yeah, I'm not really sure that I.

Saw the same until you're 18.

I don't. 18. No. I went to a normal doctor. I went to like a family practice doctor. So it was like my parents also went to the same doctor.

So anyway, the name is 90s Women's Magazines.

What I'm trying to say is I would see these magazines sometimes and read them because it wasn't like an abnormal magazine to be reading. It's not like, you know like a Penthouse is sitting out there.

But you're not, you're crazy. You were not sitting in your doctor's office at like 13 years old reading Cosmo magazine.

I might have been. I said we weren't going to name names, but you just did. I don't know.

I feel like Glamour.

Yeah, I feel like I was because they were there.

Would not let you read that.

I don't know, I have like weird memories.

We're starting this episode on a line.

Alone in doctors offices. I don't know, maybe my mom was waiting in the car. Anyway, I just remember being like, oh my God, I'm going to like I'm going to learn so much. I'm going to be so ahead of the game. And then you read this shit for women.

Why are you reading?

I mean I was curious. I was curious what I could expect from the women.

But you said you were trying to up level.

I mean babe, this is like pre Internet being actually useful for finding information. So like I was going to take whatever I could get. I think, I mean I think what I'm trying to. What I'm trying to do is be like, hey, this is what people did back then, it was like, well, this is the information we have. So we're going to, we're going to read this and either think that we should do it or think like, ooh, is this what I have to look forward to in a couple of years?

I don't know about this entire story, but we're gonna, we're just gonna continue on. Let's get started with some of our tips. So here's how it works. For the majority of them, we recorded ourselves doing these. I stopped the recording once things started getting like a little sexy, but with the actual and honestly the vast majority of them. Spoiler alert. Did not get sexy. But wow, the setup of them. We have actual recordings of ourselves doing these. So we will play them for you.

We will.

Okay. But this first one I did not have a recording for. Also, I have to say we found these tips directly from women's magazine. So I'm going to read you like exactly what was written in there. We actually had our team member like do some pretty painstaking research, like going back through magazines, finding like actual images of them so we could make sure we were being true to the advice that we were getting.

We got the receipts.

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First question though. Is this really literally what was in the magazine?

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. This is word for word how it was written.

Okay, go ahead, read it.

The legendary flirt move for initiating sex trip, AKA fall into your man's chest and say, damn, your pecs are so hard. I felt like I Was falling into a wall while looking up at him sweetly. Do you remember when I did this to you? This is one that we did a while ago. I tried to surprise you.

God, I don't remember this really, at all.

You were so weirded out in the moment.

Well, that's probably.

I told you afterward. You were like, what the hell? Why did you just hit me? I was like, I was trying to initiate with you.

Well, let me put it this. It definitely didn't leave a positively sexy impression on me, because I don't remember it. It was weird. And you do a lot of weird things to me, and, you know, they're kind of like in one ear out the other or in one eye out the other. Like, I just don't remember them.

Wow. I can't believe you didn't remember it. Yeah, I mean, also, so this one is very. It's hard to, like, fake tripping. Like, I really tried. I felt like I gave it my best effort. But also, you know, I'm trying to act like I'm tripping and fall into your chest, like, with my full body weight. I was worried that you weren't going to catch me. I was worried that we were going to fall over. And then. Yeah, you were just angry. You're like, why'd you hit me? And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. Like, your pecs are so hard.

Oh, my God.

And you just, like, rolled your eyes. You were not into this one at all.

I feel like this would make more sense, not saying that you should do it, but this would make more sense as a. Like. As a. Like, trying to pick some guy up at a bar, like, oh, I tripped and fell on you. But even then, I'm saying, to me, this reads more like a. You know, you're trying to have an excuse to talk to someone that you don't know, versus, like, falling into someone that you already do know. I don't know. This ain't it for me.

Okay, the other one that I tried to surprise you with, this one actually kind of worked a little bit. So here was the tip. When you want to hint to your partner that you're turned on, bring attention to your vagina by subtly touching it. Okay, So I read these tips ahead of time. I was trying to find, like, the perfect moment to try this out, and I found it in the bathroom at our gym. So we had worked out. Xander was just, like, taking a quick shower, so I went into the bathroom with him. I was, like, cleaning up at the same time, too. He comes out of the shower, and you were talking about something. We have this recorded, so I'll play it in a second. You were just going on and on and on about something. This reminds me of the current season of Love is Blind, when the. I forget their names. But she's like. She tells the guy, like, hey, you're talking too much again.

He's like, he's too chatty.

Am I being chatty again? She's like, yeah, you're not letting me get a single word in edgewise. Sometimes you can go on your little monologues. So anyways, you were on a monologue, and I was like, this is it. This is the perfect time. So. So I tried to bring attention to my vagina by subtly putting my hand on it. And let's listen to how that went down for you.

Whatever. Yeah. Okay. What are you doing?

I'm trying out a Cosmo sex tip.

Okay. Hey, girl.

Is this working for you?

I'm just kind of. I'm like, oh, okay. Steption. Why?

But are you intrigued?

I am intrigued what you're doing and why you're touching a spot that I like when you touch in the gym bathroom. Are you recording our audio?

No.

Yeah, you are.

I'm subtly drawing your attention, and not so subtly. Are you interested?

Sure. Yeah.

It worked. It worked.

Well, I have a. You know what? I have a theory. My theory is now we know what men are secretly doing when they're sitting there. Hand over their crotch.

Mmm. Just trying to subtly get our attention.

Yeah. It means that that man, like, me in a doctor's waiting room, read a Cosmo. Read that. And was like, damn, that is a great move. In fact, I am going to try that. And then he got a little too comfortable with it, and he's just, like, always touching his junk.

Wow. I will say, it was like I had my hand on my vulva. By the way, this also really annoyed me. I'm, like, wearing pants. You're not touching your vagina. You're touching your vulva. The vulva is the exterior. But I had my hand on my vulva for quite a long time. And you didn't know. I kept starting and stopping that voice recording because I was like, we can't have, like, two minutes of Xander just talking about some nonsense on this.

I mean, I was getting ready. I was preoccupied. I mean, I feel like this is something that maybe, like, if you're, like, in the car or something, like, oh, just see what happens. Or. I don't know.

It felt very strange to me. But you were like, pretty into it.

I mean, I enjoy you touching yourself. That, that I find that attractive. So why would I not also find that? Like, it wasn't like, I was like, oh, okay, we gotta stop everything and have sex in this gym bathroom. It was silly, but I was like, it wasn't. Like it wasn't turned off. I was like, oh, okay, she doing that.

All right, well, next time you want to hint to your partner that you're turned on, bring attention to your vulva by subtly touching it. There are some things in life that are okay to be a total crapshoot, like rolling the dice on a new workout class, mixing it up with a new takeout spot, or trying a cheap Instagram ad impulse buy. But finding the right doctor should not be a total crapshoot. And with ZocDoc, it's not. Because you've got more options than you know. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors. Choose the right one for your needs and click to instantly book an appointment. We're talking about in network appointments with more than 100,000 healthcare providers across every specialty, from mental health to dental health, eye care to skin care, and much more. Plus, Zocdoc appointments happen fast, typically within just 24 to 72 hours of booking. You can even score 60 same day appointments. I'm really grateful that since Zocdoc became a podcast sponsor, I have not had a need for a doctor, but I will definitely use it as soon as the need arises. We also checked with our team before taking them on as a sponsor and we had multiple team members who reached out to us and said that ZocDoc really helped them out, especially in moments of crisis where they needed to be connected to a medical care provider quickly. So stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to zocdoc.compillow to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's z o c-o c.com pillow zocdoc.com pillow okay, next one. Pull down his zipper using only your teeth. Then kiss and breathe heavily on his package as it pops out. This gets him super hot and shows him how wild you can be. Okay, I'm just realizing I did this one, like not fully correctly.

Why not?

Well, your package didn't pop out of your jeans.

This is what I was gonna say. This is a fundamentally flawed tip. Like I was. Well, we did it correct in that you told me to put jeans on with no underwear. If there was underwear on this Would just be a non starter. Like no packages popping out if you have underwear on. So you did the right thing telling me don't wear any underwear. You pull the zipper down. But here's the thing. Like just pulling a zipper down with your teeth. It doesn't like part the.

Yeah, it doesn't part the pants.

Part the pants enough. Like, you have to lower the pants a bit and also like spread. Yeah, spread the what? The button and the whatever edge of.

The zipper area apart. There was no way I could get your penis out of your pants with the. The pants still on. Like, that's not going to happen.

Yeah. I mean, the only way is if I was so turned on as you did that, that I was just like, boing.

No, but it's still. It would not have come out.

Yeah, I mean, it would have gotten stuck.

You have to like, take the pants all the way off.

Yeah. Or maybe if I had super baggy pants, my pants aren't baggy enough. Hey, you know what? These were done in the 90s when everyone was wearing the baggiest cargo pants. So maybe, maybe that would work. But in today's genes. Nah.

Okay, let's listen.

Oh, okay. Yeah, girl. Wait, was the braff part of it?

Breathe heavily.

Hmm.

How do you feel?

I can't feel the breath through the.

Jeans.

And I'm worried for your teeth. This is like, not quite as bad as, like, if you went to like open like a bottle with your teeth.

But does it feel sexy? I mean, it's my mouth near your penis.

I feel like most bad sex tips just involve, like, how can we get a mouth close to the dig.

But were you intrigued?

I mean, what are you going to do now?

I mean, that's all the ship said.

Well, in that case, I'm pretty unsatisfied.

Yeah. Also, I forgot to kiss on your package as it popped out too.

Well, you couldn't because it didn't pop out because it physically was not able to pop out without further intervention with the hands.

Did you feel like that showed you how wild I can be?

I mean, honestly, gripping metal in your teeth and pulling kind of worried me a bit. Like, that sounds. That seems like you're cruising for a bruise in. And I don't want to be responsible for like a tooth chip from my jean zipper. Yeah, no, I mean, I would rather you make a show out of like sexily and slowly maybe unbuttoning and unzipping my pants with your hands. Once you get your mouth in there, like, you can't really be Using your hands, because it's like your mouth is right there, and you can't really, like, pull the pants down the way that you would need to. So it just. Yeah, didn't really work.

Okay, number four, Dip your breasts in edible body paint and use them to sponge paint his entire body, then lick it off. Okay, so I did not have edible body paint.

I didn't want to order it.

Yeah. I did not want to go buy it. So I used what I thought was, like, the most reasonable equivalent that we had at home, which was jam. So I jammed up. My boots got jammed up, and. Yeah, let's listen to how that one went. Oh, no, I don't have edible body. Ah, it's so cold. I don't have edible body paint. So. No, we're doing sham.

Why do you spread it out so much?

Because it said to. It said over your entire breast.

Oh, okay. At first I was like, okay, cool. I can just suck this off your nipple.

That's not the. That's not what we're doing here, though. That's also why I brought baby wipes.

Smart.

I don't like this jam. Picked the wrong one.

Okay, wait. Whoa. Oh, oh, oh. I thought we were going for my mouth. Now it's all for me too. All right. Are you gonna lick it up?

I said to sponge paint you.

Okay.

Okay. So I only did one single sponge painting on your chest, but the tip says to do your entire body.

Yeah, this. This tip really worries and scares me. Like, the amount of edible body paint. Does that even exist? Edible body pain?

Well, it, like, doesn't exist. I mean, that's a good point.

What other fucking use? Like, why does body paint need to be edible? I mean, I get obviously for sex, but, like.

Okay, I am seeing edible body paint on the Internet, but it looks from the 90s.

Yeah, but.

And it has terrible reviews.

Yeah, I mean, it's, like, edible, but, like, what does it taste like? Like it.

Chemicals.

Yeah, it can't taste good. And that's a lot of paint.

Look at this. Doesn't that look so 90s?

Oh, God. Wait, does it say gobble gobble on it?

No.

What does that say?

It says edible body.

Oh, God.

Flourish.

Okay, okay, okay. My bad.

Okay, so, yeah, you would have to, like, stop and reapply multiple times. Also, like, pressing your breasts, like a sponge onto your partner's body. Like, it's not the sexiest move.

No. And I mean, this edible body paint would also, if you went. If you did more. If you did more jam than you did and really jammed it all over me. Like, it would be like. And I'm then assuming it's actually edible body paint. Like, it would be dripping places. Like, you'd have to do a lot of preparation, like laying down towel, like towels or, I don't know, a tarp or something. You'd have to really commit to this. And not only that, you'd have to commit to ingesting a lot of edible body paint. Because here's the thing.

Your stomach's gonna hurt so bad.

Yeah. Once you started licking it off of me, like, it's. Well, the jam, it was, like, so awkward. Yeah. I mean, I thought, oh, like you're just gonna lick it right up. But, like, you licked it but then also spread it. And I can't imagine the body paint would spread even more. It would just, like, be a total mess.

So here's the thing. Like, your tongue is not great at cleaning things up. Like, it really takes a lot to lick something off. Like, it's not like you do. I think people imagine this as, like, one lick. And it's like those, you know, those, like, paper towel commercials where one swipe with a paper towel and it cleans everything up. Yeah.

If only our tongues worked.

Tongue does not do that. There's one little spot of jam, and I had to lick it like, five, six, seven times trying to get it up. And then there's still this, like, sticky residue trace left over.

Oh, yeah.

And then your tongue is just not a. It's not a cleaning utensil.

Oh. And then I had to use multiple wet wipes to get the remainder off, too. It was. Yeah, it was a mess. Just popping in here quickly to let you know this podcast is sponsored by Jack Black. I gotta say, when Jack Black first approached us about being a sponsor for the podcast, I was so excited. It was finally my turn to be super excited. I know Vanessa's been super excited by some of our sponsors, and I was like, I have been using their deodorant for years now. I feel like deodorant was, like, always, always one of those things that I kind of struggled with because, like, I don't. I don't love, like, super strong, perfumey scents. And, like, I was always trying out different ones and I could never really get it right. And then Vanessa got me some Jack Black deodorant and I fell in love.

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Okay, the next tip. My poor, poor breasts. Color your nipples with a crazy colored lipstick. Like, sparkly purple. Bonus points if it's yummy.

Wait, is lipstick. Is lipstick ever yummy?

He'll love the shocking, sexy change in scenery. Okay, I definitely did not buy sparkly purple lipstick, but now I actually want to see. Like, is there.

I'm gonna Google is there Yummy lipstick?

Sparkly purple lipstick. Edible. Does this even exist? No, it does not. Okay, but imagine that my nipples looked like this.

Oh, God. No, thanks.

I'm showing Xander, like, a purple glittery lipstick on someone's lips. But that's my nipples.

I'm already a little traumatized by what your nipples did look like from this. Which. We're gonna hear it now. No, no. What is that? Is that lipstick.

Just feel fun and flirty to you?

Oh, no. Get rid of it, please. Looks like your nipples are broken. Oh, my God. I am losing wood. Wow.

Oh, my God. I hate that so much.

Oh, my God.

I hated that from the first second that I started doing it.

Oh, God. Get it off. It's on your. You somehow got it on your elbow. Like, in your arm, too. Other arm. Oh, God.

Everywhere lipstick stains.

Oh, God. Guys, do not put lipstick on your Boobs.

Do it with, like, a fun color. Like, purple, sparkly.

Oh, my. And what would happen once you started having sex? It would get over your. Your hands and, like, it rubbed on your arms because, like, as you move your arms back and forth. Oh, God. That would ruin, like, all of your bedding. Yeah. Oh, my God. It also looked like you were, like, sick.

Oh, yeah. I forgot to say, like, the only lipstick that I have is, like, bright red. And so it, like, it just. It didn't look like maybe the sparkly purple would have been something that it would have been different enough to. But, like, the bright red was like, obviously my nipples weren't that color, but it also wasn't like, purple. I don't know, like, a little too close.

But it looked like when it made a difference, it looked horrible.

Like, I didn't. I started painting them in the bathroom and I was like, I don't even want him to see this. It's so terrible looking.

Yeah. I mean, it looked like you. Have you had some kind of injury. Injury or illness, like something. It just was like something's horrendously wrong with your body. Your nipples are being rejected by your body.

It's like after we stopped recording and you're like, I'm like, really gonna have to work to get that image out of my mind. I was like, oh, my God, we've caused permanent damage with Smash or Pass.

Well, it got erased pretty quickly. We'll put it that way.

I was worried.

Yeah. I mean, I was lying there, like, hoping that something fun and exciting was going to happen. And, you know, I started out the entire experience being like, okay, cool. Like, we're going to. We're going to try some things and then we're going to have sex. And then by the end, I was like, kind of like, not. Not very turned on. But we did manage to turn things around pretty quickly. I was able to forget it all. It's all good, everyone. Don't be worried about me.

Oh, yeah. I also forgot to say, for the setup of this episode, like, I read all of the tips, because, of course, they were all tips for women. And I didn't tell Xander anything that was coming. So he got surprised by all of these. Okay, the next one, take a tennis ball and roll it with slight pressure over his butt to help him release pent up sexual energy. I didn't even bother recording this one because I was like, there's gonna be nothing here.

Wait, hold on. Cause we all know that men carry pent up sexual energy in their butt. What did I not know? This is. Is the butt your storage for sex, pent up sexual energy? Is that. Is that why I have a small butt?

Oh, you don't have enough pent up sexual energy.

Yeah.

Oh, so releasing it too much with me.

So we've been taking the wrong approach to grow my booty.

Yeah.

So it's not about working out in the gym. It's about just getting pent up sexual energy. Damn. Damn. Well, I guess.

What did you think about this one? How did it feel to have a tennis ball rolled over your ass?

Honestly, I didn't love it because I use. I use a ball like that to. To, like, work out, like, kinks in my muscles. And so just feeling you rolling that around is, like, a bit disconcerting because I'm thinking like, oh, like, you know, she's about to press it in a.

Spot that I don't want you to hurt you.

Yeah, I mean, I just associate that feeling with, like, oh, I'm trying to, like, work out, you know, some kind of, like, muscle soreness or something, but it just felt really weird. Why? Like, why couldn't you just touch my butt, like, gently with your hands? That would be nice.

Okay, let's move on to the Rapunzel. Here was all the instruction that I got. Wind a section of your hair gently around his penis.

I'm glad it said gently. Given some of the instructions and some of the later ones. The fact that they did say gently is really good because you could cause some pain, serious damage if you wrapped it tightly or, like, pulled, because, yeah, your hair is, you know, fine and, you know, could definitely cause some damage.

Okay, let's listen to what happened here. Do you know what's coming?

Oh, no, not this. Oh, God. Okay, now what?

This is actually really hard.

Well, yeah, it's hard when I'm not hard. Okay. All right. It's. My penis is wrapped up in your hair.

This is called the Rapunzel.

You're. Yeah. I mean, it is accomplished getting your face close to my penis, but I'm not getting any. No.

All these tips, they don't say what to do afterwards. I'm just like, okay, my hair's on you. Great.

Yeah. I mean, the issue with that one is that. Yeah. Once you had successfully wrapped it up, basically your head was sideways. Like, my perspective was, I'm just looking at my penis wrapped in hair. Your head sideways, just looking at me. And you can't really move much because your hair is tied to my dick.

Yeah.

And it was just like, huh. Okay. This is weird. Sideways face. What do we. Yeah, what? What? What do we do?

What do we do? I mean. Yeah, I didn't know what to do afterwards. It just said that was all I was supposed to do. It also didn't give me instructions on whether the penis needed to be soft or hard. Unfortunately, you were quite soft because all the tips that we had done beforehand were not doing it for you.

I mean, I am guessing that most of these tips are meant to be done to a hard penis. The problem is, I don't think a hard penis will survive, like, survive in that hardness after, like, through most of these tips. Like, if we were, like, in the middle of hooking up, let's say that you were, like, going down on me for a little while, and then you're like, oh, hey, check this out. Hey, you wanna know what I can do? Check this out.

Because your dick would be all wet from the blowjob, and then my hair's, like, so sticking.

Yeah, but I think I would lose it pretty quickly for sure. I. Yeah, I mean, like, if someone. I don't know, like, if we were. If I was single and I was hooking up with someone for the first time and she just did that in the middle, I would be like, excuse me. What. What is happening? Why. Why is this happening? Why did you think that was a good idea? Like, not to shame her, but just, like, I would be so confused. I would have so many questions.

I mean, that's the thing about so many of these tips is, like, at least I got to do them with my partner, who I knew we could just, like, laugh about it and continue on. But can you imagine, like, being in the actual 90s, like, trying these out with some guy that you're hooking up with the first time, and he's just like, what the fuck are you doing?

He's gonna think I'm so crazy and down for whatever. Wild. Wait, but what I want to know. Do we have any listeners who may have read tips like this in the 90s, early 2000s, and tried them out, like, in a hookup situation, like, tried them out with someone where someone didn't know that it was coming? I want to know what you tried and, like, what the outcome was. Like, I seriously want to know. Because it's like, I can't imagine what this would be like if I was just hooking up with someone and it was like, what? Like, she just whipped the tennis ball out and she's rolling it around on my butt. I'm just like, I'm Really? I'm really curious because, like. Yeah. Was this, you know, if we were. I don't know. If we were, like, in our 20s at the time, in reading these tips, would we have known? These are all bullshit. This is, like, fake, and we shouldn't pay attention to it. Were we just young enough that we were like, oh, my God, this is what you're supposed to do. If they wrote it in the magazine, it must be real.

All right, let's move on to our next one. Jiggle his balls back and forth like shaking dice in a cup.

I am, like, shuddering just hearing it.

Okay, let's listen to what happened.

Oh, why? No, no, no, no. Get that out of here.

It's supposed to be like, dice in a cup.

Dice in a cup. No, no. Throwing my balls. No. Oh, God. I say, oh, God.

I was so unhappy about that one.

I think you might even be able to hear me slap your hand at one point. I would slap it away. You were.

You set some boundaries on that one. You did not want to continue.

I like my balls touched in a very specific way. I don't like a surprise, like, grab.

You don't like a jiggle?

No, the jiggle is too much also.

You can't really jiggle. Like, they're not.

I mean, I'm just envisioning, like. I'm envisioning you, like, grabbing them and, like, almost making a face. Like. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Like, if you could. Oh, God, that face is horrible. Like, if you were standing up, like, they're a little more jiggly that way. But, like, when you're lying down, you can't really, like.

Well, you have to lift up. Like, you gotta lift them up a little bit.

It didn't quite work. It didn't quite work.

Yeah. This would probably be a standing only one, but then. Yeah. Why would you ever do this? Why?

Okay, speaking of why, our next one was press a fork firmly, but don't break the skin or anything.

Oh, thank you. Thank you for specifying.

Press a fork into different parts of his body. His butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs. Let's take a listen.

No. Ugh. No. Pokey. Oh, why?

Is it sensual?

No.

Is it turning you on?

Ow.

Turn around. Gotta get your butt.

I'm scared. Scratch it along. Oh. Oh.

Do you like this? No, I'm not. I'm being careful not to break your skin because a fork will definitely break the skin.

Actually back up a little bit. Bit. Because I'm in front of these windows.

You're just trying to get me to Do a little harder with the fork.

Oh, no, no. This is not for me.

All right. Damn.

Sound like a real prude.

That's probably why the ball didn't work, because it didn't break.

It's not. It's not sharp enough.

The tension is still trapped underneath.

Yeah, it should have been a fork. They actually mix those tips up.

Oh, got it, got it. Okay. Tip number 10 was to make two fists around his shaft and twist them in opposite directions as fast as you.

Can, but don't break the penis. But to be clear, it actually didn't say that. I added that they did not specify any instructions to avoid injury.

Let's listen. I'm nervous to do this one.

Well, why? Why are you nervous? I'm nervous.

I'm just gonna be really gentle.

Okay. Ow. I feel like I was supposed to be hard for that, but none of these. None of these tricks have accomplished that. So.

As hard as I can in opposite directions. That was the instructions.

Dot.

As hard and fast as you can never be done. Okay, that one. Honestly, like, I didn't even try that the way that I should have, because I was like this. That's just gonna hurt. Yeah. I'm not gonna give you, like, a fucking rope burn on your penis. Going as fast as I can in opposite directions.

No, that's horrible advice. Now with lube, and maybe not as hard as you can.

And gentle and slow.

Gentle and slow. This can be. This can definitely be a good, great move. But, yeah, don't just, like, grab, grab, and twist aggressively.

Yeah, I was too scared to give that one the full proper technique, but I'm just gonna go ahead and say, do not twist in opposite directions as quickly and hard as you can. Go.

Thank God I was soft for that one.

Okay, next one. Grab your still moist panties. My two least favorite words, back to back from the floor, and use them to tie your hair back. This will show him you're fun, casual, and easygoing. So we originally were going to record this one as a reel for Instagram, but you actually were, like, kind of into it. So we're just gonna play, like, the raw footage of us recording the reel. Okay. How would you feel if, after sex, I grabbed my still moist panties from the floor and used them to tie my hair back?

Could be hot.

Would it make you think that I'm fun, casual, and easygoing?

Not those wor. But wait, how moist are we talking?

Don't make me say that word again.

I could be into this.

Really?

I mean, not because I'm looking for fun Casual and easy going.

What would be attractive to you about me?

Sexy, dirty girl. Ooh, I think we have to. I would have some questions. Like what?

I think we have to try this one now.

I'm having more and more doubts as I'm thinking about.

You were the one who thought you'd like it. Do you prefer a ponytail or a bun?

I mean, I just. Ponytail shirt. Okay. It looks like, just like a lacy scrunchie.

Is this turning you on?

No, but I'd be like, oh, that's kind of hot. That she's just like, yeah, sure, let's do this. All right. So having reflected on this, I wouldn't say, like, I wouldn't say I was into it. It was just like. It wasn't like an active turn off like most of these other ones were. I was just like, okay, that's kind of funny. Why are you tying your hair up?

You were. You were kind of like, oh.

I.

Think you were kind of into it. All right, finally, let's bring it on home.

The piece de resistance.

What I think is truly the best, weirdest sex tip to come out of a woman's magazine in the 90s.

You knew this was coming, guys.

Glazed donut. Gently stick his penis through the hole, then nibble around it gently, stopping to suck him once in a while. The sugary texture of your tongue will add an interesting new dimension.

The sugary texture of your tongue. Hmm. Well, I didn't get the full experience, I guess.

Okay, so we could not do the full experience because we're gluten free. Both of us are gluten free. And I don't have access to gluten free donuts. So one of these days, I'm sure I can find a gluten free donut somewhere. Probably when we're traveling at some point I'll get it and I'll do the full thing. But I had to do the best that I could, which was after searching high and low through the pantry, trying to get creative, looking through the freezer, every food item that we've got, I decided the best I had was a piece of toast with a whole cut in it.

Of course.

Yeah, I made the hole with my hands. I tried to soften the edges, you know, because it was. I did have to toast it because it came out of the freezer.

So it was a little crispy.

Yeah, it was a little crispy. I wish I had, like a fresh piece of bread, but, you know, I was doing the best I could. So let's. Let's listen to what happened. Do you know what we're doing?

I do, I do.

How do you feel? We don't have a gluten free donut, so I did the best I could.

Did you butter that toast up? No, I mean, you gotta make it tasty for you. Aren't you supposed to eat it?

Yeah.

Well, Mara, you're in for it.

What do you think about this?

I. I just don't understand why. You could just use your mouth. It's perfectly good as it is. Hey, good job on the side. Oh, no.

Ow.

I mean, it doesn't hurt, but.

Ow. Okay, I guess I knew my size. I know this bit, this dick.

Ow. That's like sharp toasted bread crumbs.

I tried to soften.

Okay, all right.

I tried to soften it.

Now you gotta do something.

What would you like? What does it feel like to have a baked good just dangling around your.

I got a bread cock ring. This is just. This is like two things that should never go together. Like, why. Why is. Why is my dick spearing a piece of bread? I never want to see this again.

Oh, my God. I'm still dying over that. I will say I was very proud of myself for I, like, you know, I had to make a hole in the piece of toast and I did the exact right hole for your penis.

It was a little small. That's why. That's why I was getting poked.

No, like, okay, I should have made it a little bit bigger to account for, like, the edge, the sharper edges. I will say, like, I really used my finger to try to smooth out the. The inner ring. But, like, that was a pretty accurate hole.

Sure. Yeah. You did a great job, babe. You did a great job.

But, like, just looking down at your penis, like, through a piece of bread, I don't care if it was a donut, like a beautiful donut, your penis just going through a baked good. I just. No, I can't. I can't do that.

I can't either.

So that one was not a win for you.

No, that was. That was. I mean, I don't know, the donut thing. I'm curious now. That said, like, the sugary texture. Curious just to see how ridiculous that is. Because I can't really imagine that, like, a bit of sugar on your tongue is going to, like, make it feel that different if you're, like, licking the penis with it. No, it's like, the detail. Honestly, I feel like these tips were written by, like, pervy old men probably. Pervy old men. They're like, yeah, let's get teens to get closer to dick.

What's gonna make a teenager do a blowjob? Just get a donut involved. All right, well, that is the end of this round of smash or pass.

We.

So, I mean, we had a couple of kind of. I wouldn't say any of them were winners, but we had a few that were okay.

They were neutral.

Just putting your hand on your vulva to get his attention. That kind of worked. And you kind of liked me using my underwear as a hair tie?

Yeah, sure. Okay, sure. I'll throw you a bone.

These tips obviously sucked. We did have a good time playing around with them, trying them out, but they really sucked. So if you want some sex tips that are genuinely good, that have actually been tried and tested and refined and are amazing, we're going to put a link for you in the show notes to our sexual mastery package. It's a bundle of our four best selling, most popular technique guides. You can also go straight to vmtherapy.com mastery to check it out. And I will also say this episode comes out on October 31st. On November 1st, these guides, this package is going to be featured on one of the most famous gift guides in existence. Oh, you'll have to come over to Instagram on the first to see the full reveal, but we're very excited. We're very, very excited for this. So you can check them out now before the rest of the world sees them tomorrow. So that's vmtherapy.com mastery and we'll put that link in the show notes for you too.

All right. If you hated these tips but you love the episode, we'd love it if you could leave us a five star rating and a review. You can leave us a rating on Spotify or Apple. If you want to leave a review, please come over to Apple, go to the Pillow Talk podcast main page, scroll to the bottom and leave us a nice review saying that even though you don't like any of the tips that we gave in this episode, it was still really funny. Those reviews go so far in helping us spread the message about this podcast to other people. Other people know that we are legit and we're so appreciative that we read a review aloud every week in our Review of the Week giveaway. If you hear your review read, then we're going to give you a free masterclass. All you have to do to claim that is DM us on Instagram or email us@infomtherapy.com so without further ado. Vanessa, why don't you read us this week's review of the week?

10 out of 10 recommend. This podcast has been so eye opening and hilarious. Honestly, Vanessa and Xander make sex not a taboo topic and they make it what it should be, fun. They answer the questions you don't want to google, they help you feel normal about things that society will probably make you feel not normal about. And their banter and relationships is seriously the best. Start listening. Your relationship will appreciate it. Thank you guys. Thank you so much for that really sweet review.

All right, and on that note, that is all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we do a brutally honest relationship check in. Sam.