Episode 192: “Is This Normal?” Part 4 — Low Desire Husband, Never Had A Fight, & Baby Talk

Your partner has told you that they are not open to getting engaged until you have a fight. I think that you fight over this. Yeah, no, no, I'm okay. I'm not saying fight over this, but it's like, well, what is a fight? I think the reality is you feel a certain way about this that hurts. This is a disagreement that you guys have and you guys need to process this.

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your host, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.

And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Welcome back to another round of Is this Normal?

Wow, babe, you didn't start this episode with today we're talking about.

I know. You know, you try start. Why do I always start every episode? You should start some episodes.

I was actually going to start. Okay, today's episode.

So let's stop. Let's pretend that I didn't do it. So go for it. Let's hear your intro.

Today's an exciting day, huh, babe?

It is an exciting day.

There's a lot that's been going on. We're getting started recording a little late today because a number of exciting things happen.

A number? Are you including me using my new Dyson Dryer as an exciting thing?

Your Christmas present from me. That's one of them. Wow. So you gave it away.

My hair is very straight today.

Yeah. Vanessa's looking great. She's beautiful with this nicely straightened hair.

Thanks, babe.

Yeah. Glad. It feels good to see a gift that you give someone go to good use.

I agree.

Yeah. And then what else exciting happened today? We were driving home from the gym this morning. We were talking about, like, something, and. And I thought Vanessa was, like, responding to whatever we were talking about and she's like, oh, my God.

Well, we got some news. I got booked on a very, very, very big podcast, but I don't know if we can say yet.

No, we can't say yet. But yeah, we. But like, we're gonna be going out there in a couple weeks, top of the charts, going out to wherever it is that they record in a couple of weeks to do your episode, which is so exciting.

I'm very, very excited. It's a big, big fun career moment. But today, there you go.

It's okay to say it when it's not the first thing out of your mouth.

Today we're talking about our favorite slash, least favorite question. Is this normal? On the one hand, like, I love answering any and all sex related questions. You can never bore me. I will just keep talking about it until the cows come home. Cows come home.

Till the cows come home.

Break. I don't know. I had. I don't know where I was going with that one.

Well, you could say, I guess till the dawn breaks.

But break of dawn.

Till the break of dawn, though, that's kind of weird because what you're saying is, I'll talk about it for a while, but I will stop versus till the cows come home. Like, I think the idea behind that is that if you leave the gates open, like, the cows won't come home. So it's like you're just gonna be talking about it forever.

The cows eventually come home. I don't know. I've never owned a cow before, but I would think that they would want to come home at some point.

I don't know. They might just.

If you're a rancher, please let us know. Do the cows come home? Anyways, what I'm trying to say is I love talking about sex. I love answering people's questions about it. But I also hate the question because it just goes to show you all the shame and embarrassment that we've been taught to have that, you know, we get that question. Is this normal? About some of the most basic common questions, like, is it normal that I want to make out with my partner more? Is it normal that I want to have more sex with my partner? Is it normal that I want to have less sex with my partner?

And it's kind of interesting because I feel like when you ask the question, is it normal? Blank, blank, blank, like that. There's almost this built in assumption of, like, just tell me it's not normal so that I can, like, feel bad about myself.

Ooh, yeah, for sure.

It's like you're looking for. It's like what you're actually hoping is that someone goes, yeah, that's actually. That's actually super abnormal. So you shouldn't like, oh, no, you. You shouldn't want to make out with your partner. It's like you're looking for validation that the opposite is true.

It's like fishing for insult. It's not fishing for compliments. It's like fishing to be.

Or it's like fishing for someone to tell you, yeah, yeah, you're crazy. Like, you're crazy to want that. You want too much. Like, no, just forget about it. Versus instead, you could ask, is it normal that I want to make out with my partner more or less? Or you could ask, I'd like to make out with my partner more. Do you have any suggestions for how we go about doing that?

Yeah. Yeah.

So it's like in one of them, it's like you're looking for someone to be like, yeah, no, you're too much, actually. And that's not what. You shouldn't want that.

So for this episode, we put up a question box on Instagram. We asked people, what questions do you have? What's making you wonder, is this normal? And we get questions, like, all over the spectrum. But we decided to pick some of the more intriguing, interesting, interesting, maybe even a little voyeuristic ones, because I think it's just very fascinating to get these glimpses of other people's sex lives, like what's going on in other relationships behind closed bedroom doors. So we've got some really interesting questions that we are going to be covering today.

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So let's hop right into it. Xander, do you want to read the first one?

Yeah. Is it normal for my husband to have absolutely no sex drive? We used to have a great sex life, but he's worked a terrible job, corrections officer for six years and has become really depressed and anxious. In that time. He has gained about 70 pounds too. He doesn't even masturbate at all. He says he has no desire to. He's just in fight or flight all the time. He's actively looking for a new job and plans to go to therapy, but won't do that until he leaves the position due to stigma at work with therapy. The union knows.

So this is an interesting one because there are actually a number of different ways we could answer this question. So I'm going to start with just the question. Like on the surface, is it normal to have absolutely no sex drive? The answer to that is actually yes. There are people who are asexual who are not interested in sex. It's not a part of their lives. We don't have a ton of research, but the limited research that we do have indicates that maybe about 1% of the population is asexual. And if you are asexual, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is a normal, healthy sexual orientation. In this case, though, I don't think that is what's going on here.

I think there's an assumption that there used to be a healthy sex life.

There used to be some amount of sex drive, some amount of sex life. So what this person is describing is a terrible job, an incredible amount of stress, depression, anxiety, not even having any sort of relationship with his own body. You're struggling to connect with himself. And in this case, it makes a lot of sense to not have any sex drive. I think most of us think of sex drive as just an inherent part of who we are. Like our shoe size. I'm a size 5. I'm always going to be a size 5, except sometimes the rare, different brand that I'm like a four and a half or a five and a half. But it's not like our sex drive. I actually like to Think of it as the canary in the coal mine example. I need to come up with a different example though, because that's such a morbid, dark thing. But like our sex drive is an indicator of our overall health and well being. Our sex drive is a luxury for our body.

Yeah, well, I mean, in a way the word drive is a bit of a misnomer because that implies like it, that it's sort of like a necessity. Like, like say eating or drinking or something like that. Where it's like if you don't eat after some number of days you will die. If you don't drink after far fewer days, you will die. Like it is a requirement to stay alive. There is no option. You know, there's no other option.

Yeah.

Sex drive is not the same thing. It's not like a survival mechanism. I mean, it's a survival mechanism for the species, but not for an individual.

Yeah. So if you, like what I just said was sex drive is a luxury. And this is a really important point for people to understand. Your body is doing so many different processes, so many different things on a daily basis. And it really has to be super intelligent about how it's spending its energy. It has a limited amount of energy. So we've got to focus on like, yeah, what are the specific things that are in front of me right now? So if you're living in a state of extreme stress or you're struggling with your mental health or a lot of the things that are going on in this situation, your body is directing its resources into survival mode. I mean, I think this person literally runs in fight or flight all the time. So your body, his body is focused on survival. It is not going to direct any of its resources or attention or energy into sex drive because it doesn't make any sense. If you're literally fighting for survival, why would you want to be horny at the same time? Like, you don't have the energy to deal with that. You don't have the time to deal with that. You need to focus on these other things. And so our bodies are literally hardwired to direct energy away from functions that it deems aren't as important. And so it's also important for us to kind of like take a look back at our caveman, cave person ancestors too. Like nowadays, you know, when we're stressed, most of the times we're not like physically in any danger.

Yeah.

But back in the day we would get stressed when it's like there's a frickin woolly mammoth barreling down the plains at me.

Yeah, back in the day, there was no such thing as, oh, this, like, I mean, I guess like a brute example. Like, this caveman has a job that is super, that is super stressful that he would really prefer not to have. Like, that was not an option. It was like, you know, it was like, yeah, you are. You are safe in shelter. You have food and water and you're content and happy. Or like, or like, you are in physical danger about to die.

So our bodies literally still think that when we get into that hyper stressed, like, fight or flight mode, our bodies actually think that we are in physical danger. So again, it's another reason why it's like, there's no point in you having a boner right now. Like, we gotta survive. We, you know, we need to focus on this. So even though we're not, again, in that physical danger anymore, your husband sounds like he's having a real tough time right now. So bottom line, it makes perfect sense that he doesn't have any sex drive. And anybody who's in similar types of situations where you're really stressed, you have a lot going on, your body's just not going to direct any resources into getting turned on. Now, I also want to acknowledge to the person writing this in, of course that's going to affect you. That's going to impact you. It's really hard. I mean, just to watch your partner struggle and have a tough time in life, that's very difficult. But also feeling like you're not able to connect with them, be close to them, be intimate with them, that's really difficult too. So I want to validate the person writing in too. But at least it sounds like there are plans to try to get out of this. Like, he's actively looking for a new job. He does plan on going to therapy. So my hope is that those things can happen relatively quickly and can start to make an impact relatively quickly. But it's also just a really, really, like, a really tough season for both of you to be in right now. If your New Year's resolution was to get better sleep, then we are super excited to tell you about our podcast sponsor, Cozy Earth. They make the absolute softest, most luxurious sheets, and their sheets are super breathable. So you will sleep a couple of degrees cooler, which research shown actually contributes to much better, deeper sleep. If you're somebody who just really loves being swaddled in softness, you want your bed to feel like such a sanctuary for you, then you have to check out Cozy earth and they're 100% premium viscose from Bamboo Sheets. We have their bamboo linen blend which I really like. I love like that little texture of a linen sheet. So those are some of our favorites. But we have had so many guests guests sleep on our Cozy Earth sheets in our guest room as well. And they are such fans. People always ask us where the sheets are from. And Cozy Earth has an incredible commitment to quality. They have a 100 night sleep trial and a 10 year warranty so you can't go wrong. And they also have lots of other products. They have the softest bath towels and the absolute softest clothing too. So I've been wearing their long sleeve stretch knit bamboo pajama set. An absolutely timeless little pajama set. They're so comfortable. The drape is really luxurious. Xander got a set too. We both absolutely love all of our Cozy Earth stuff and they're always coming out with new products too. They have some little slippers, some really great like faux fur blankets that I know the dogs would immediately want to steal from us. And the best news is that they are giving us a killer deal. Just for Pillow Talks listeners, you can go to cozyearth.com and use our experience exclusive 40% off code which is pillow talks. So if you get a post purchase survey please let them know that you heard about us through the podcast. That really helps. And again you can go to cozyearth.com and get our exclusive 40% off code pillow Talks.

So no, I would say it is 100% normal for a non asexual person to have absolutely no sex drive when you are in fight or flight mode due to whatever the reason. I think the challenge, the problem now is that most challenging situations that we find ourselves in in this day and age are not life threatening ones. And so in our mind we go, oh well yeah, I mean I should still have a sex drive, I should still have a sex life, right? Like oh like yeah, it would be great to blow off some steam. But the reality is is that when you actually are truly getting yourself into that fight or flight, the human race is not evolved enough. We haven't had enough time of evolution while we've had sort of like non physical danger high stress things that happen. Like I'm sure that maybe a thousand, two thousand, ten thousand years from now, if the human race is still around that like we will have potentially evolved to be able to handle you know, more like ambiguous stress or like non life threatening stress. But yeah, right now were too close to that era where there was no such thing. As like a shitty job that stresses you out.

This caveman has a shitty job. Okay, I'm curious to get your take on this next one. Is it normal to never have had a fight? My boyfriend, 35 year old male, and I, 33 year old female of two years, have really good communication. And because of this communication, I think we have literally never had a fight. We have calmly talked about anything that might have turned into an issue had we not had a conversation about it. And I'm so happy in this relationship. I want him to propose, but he won't until we have an argument, which I agree with, but also like, am I supposed to pick a fight with him? That seems a bit unhinged.

Lol. This. Oh, this really took a turn at the end.

This reminds me of the Ultimatums episode that we did a couple of weeks ago because we had so many that were focused on getting a proposal. Maybe this should have been the thing like pick a fight with your partner in order to get them to propose with you.

Okay.

To you.

So let me start at the beginning. I'm gonna say you've been together for two years, never had a fight. Never had a fight. I'm gonna say that's not normal. I'm gonna say, yeah, that, that is not normal. Like, I mean, I guess it's. I would be curious to hear from both of these people, what is their definition of a fight? It sounds like they're talk, you know, like, because I think, you know, it depends on what your experience growing up was like. What, what? That's. What, what did conflicts or fights look like in your family? If you're anticipating that. Oh, well, a fight is like when we're yelling at each other, then yeah, maybe you'll never have a fight. If neither of you, you know, are prone to raising, raising your voice. But like, yeah, I'm curious what their definition of it is because it sounds like there. You guys have had some potential disagreements. You've talked about a lot of stuff. Now if you were saying, like, if you were saying we've been together two years and we've never had a tough conversation, we've never had a fight. We've never even like had a tough conversation. Like, I ask for whatever, they do it, they ask for something, I do it. It's like we've never had any issue, I would be like, huh, that seems, that seems problematic. Like very. It's very likely that one or both of you are not actually like entirely asking for what you want or need or you're putting up with things.

I feel a little hesitant to use the word. Like, I just struggle with the word normal because I'm like, what is normal at all? I mean, I don't doubt that there are some, you know, maybe a handful of couples in the world who have never even had, like, the tiniest disagreement. I'm sure they exist. But yeah, I'm with you on the. Like, I would want to dig a little bit deeper and say, like, are you just. Do you mean you've never even had any sort of conflict or any sort of disagreement? And I would also want to ask them, are you holding anything back or brushing things under the rug or trying to really change yourself for the sake of keeping the peace in the relationship? Because there are a lot of people pleasers out there who will go to the ends of the earth to not create any sort of conflict, but that doesn't mean that the conflict isn't actually there.

Yeah. Or there's even, like, you've created a dynamic where you both value so highly being a good communicator. And I'm putting that in quotes because I think this is the interesting thing. Communication is so important. It's so important we teach good communication for people. And yet, like, there's the sort of, like, academic or theoretical principles of communication, and then there's the real life life rubber hits the road. Like, emotions are involved, feelings are involved, pride is involved. All that stuff where you can never fully apply 100% like, the teachings to the real life scenarios. And I mean, I think, like, this is something we grapple with all the time. We're both really great at communication. You know, like, if you were to ask us outside of a tense moment, like, oh, how would you handle a situation like this? I feel like both of us would be able to come up with in theory. Here's how I would like to be able to handle this situation. And then there's the reality of when it actually happens. And I'm feeling, you know, heightened or triggered or whatever, like, how do I actually respond? Or how do I actually react? And so I do wonder or worry that, like, perhaps you've. You guys have both built up an identity so much of, we don't fight.

Yeah.

Or we are such good communicators. Communication is the most important thing. And so when you start communicating about something that could be a potential conflict, that if one person feels like, ooh, I don't know if I agree with that, or, ooh, I'm having some feelings about that, you go, nope, I'm a good Communicator. I have a feeling about this, but it's not safe to say because that's in conflict with this identity that I think I have around not doing that.

Yeah.

So, yeah, I do wonder if one or both of you are holding things in. I mean, it's like, who am I to say, hey, you've never had a fight, so obviously there's actually things that you want to fight about.

Yeah. I mean, yeah, it could just be that you guys are really similar. You've. You know, life hasn't been throwing anything particularly tricky your way. Like. Yeah, I don't want to say it's not entirely possible, but let's turn to the other part of this question, which is that he says he won't propose until they've had an argument.

I take issue with that. That's weird.

I think that is weird.

That feels super weird and arbitrary to me because it's like I'm trying to think of another example, but it's like you've set the bar at an unquantifiable thing because we were just saying before, like, what is each of your definition of a fight?

Yeah. And this also feels like a weird, arbitrary rule that you're clinging to a little too much and like, you're looking at the world in a little bit too, like, black and white of a way. I get the idea behind it. There's this feeling of, hey, I want us to have a wide breadth of experiences with each other before we commit to spending the rest of our lives with each other. That makes perfect sense to me. At the same time, though, you're in your mid-30s. You've been together two years. Like, that feels like an appropriate amount of time to know. You know, two years to have had lots of experiences with each other. That feels like an appropriate amount of time to know, do I want to spend my life with this person?

Yeah. Now. Okay. I have a great idea for this person who asked the question, you want to get married? You would love to get engaged right now. Right. Your partner has told you that they are not open to getting engaged until you have a fight. I think that you should fight over this. Yeah. No, no. Okay. I'm not saying fight over this, but it's like, well, what is a. I think the reality is you feel a certain way about this that hurts. This is a disagreement that you guys have, and you guys need to process this. Like, this is in theory. Like, you're kind of holding some stuff in about this. I'm imagining you probably feel shitty about this.

I totally agree.

You want to get, you want to get engaged. You feel like everything else is right. And then your partner has this arbitrary thing where you're like, I don't. Like, this is ridiculous. What, am I supposed to pick a fight with you? But like, I kind of am picking a fight in a way. The fight is that my feelings are hurt. It feels like you're telling me like, no, we can't do something for a dumb reason. A reason that I think is dumb.

Or I wouldn't say that. I would say that.

Well, yeah, I wouldn't say that either.

But the argument is I want to get engaged now. And you're creating this kind of arbitrary feeling rule, you know, this thing that we have to do until we get engaged. Like that's a conflict right then and there. I want to get engaged, you don't. So there's your conflict. Why don't you guys talk this one out, see where it goes. And then I think maybe you'll have your answer on the other end of that.

Yeah. Because.

Yeah, I think this person needs. Sorry. I think this person needs to say like, I want to get engaged now. I don't agree with this rule.

Yeah, I don't feel good about that. I don't feel good about this. It feels like an arbitrary hurdle that you've put in front of us. And in fact, like, yeah, that it feels hurt. I'm hurt that you're doing that or that you're saying that and like that.

It doesn't describe it as I'm hurt. That's kind of weird.

Well, I don't know.

I have a different criteria for us getting engaged.

Yeah.

But yeah, I'd say you actually have it in front of you already right here. So just use what you got in front of you.

All right, our next one is. Is it normal for my partner to talk in a baby voice and for it to turn me off? My partner, male, sometimes talks in a baby voice like a cutesy pet talk completely separate from sex. It seems to be more frequent or at least more noticeable lately. Is it normal that later on when it comes to sex that I sometimes hear this voice in my head and it turns me off? He's a primary school teacher, so I do just think maybe spending so much time with kids is affecting his speech without him noticing. And I don't want to come off as mean pointing it out to him.

Okay, so we've got a two parter here. Is it normal to talk in baby voice to each other in romantic relationships? Yes, that is Very normal, very common.

Yeah, we're like, cutesy voice.

Yeah, cutesy voice. I think most couples, like. One of the best parts of being in a relationship is developing this weird shared language between the two of you where there are all these inside jokes and words that you come up with and funny voices that you do with each other. So it's really normal to have that. It's like a way that we play. We're adults, but we're finding ways to play with each other and be silly and goofy and all that. So a lot of people do baby talk voices in relationships.

I would go as far as to say also that in this case, if your partner is a primary school teacher and uses that tone of voice a lot at work, it would be very normal that that would start to bleed into your relationship and like, that, you know, he might start using it more and more and not necessarily be aware of it.

I actually had a different take. I don't really think the primary school teacher thing has anything to do with it. I think he's just a normal adult who does baby talk, like cutesy voices with his partner.

Well, this person does say that it seems to be more frequent or more noticeable lately, like, that it's kind of ratcheted up.

I think that that typically happens as relationships get more serious, though.

Yeah, true.

The more time you spend with each other, the more inside jokes you create, the more you're letting your guard down, the more you're, like, trying to have that deeper, you know, intimate bond with them. So I don't know if it's necessarily anything to do with the teacher, but the second part of it is, is it normal for it to turn me off? Absolutely. Like, it's not everybody's thing. And let's be real, baby talk is a little bit weird. I mean, I don't really love baby talk. We don't baby talk with each other, but we definitely have, like, funny. We'll do funny voices for the dogs. You know, we'll have, like, words that we've come up with and stuff like that. But I also get a little turned off by the, like, too cute. Like, I wouldn't want you being like, oh, it's my little bab. Come over here, little baby. That actually feels really gross to do.

But. But there's probably, like. If we were to rewind the tape on our relationship, I bet you that there were moments early on where one of us, like, said something in a certain way when you're getting used to, like, okay, like, what is cute?

Yeah.

Between the two of us, where I. I would imagine. I can't remember any specifics, but I would imagine that. That I have probably said things before to you in a certain voice or a certain tone or use certain words where you're like, ew, yeah, that. Like, oh, I know.

Specific example.

I don't love that. And so I've had the ability to course correct and adjust. I think that's the key about developing sort of that shared inside relationship as a couple is it's like that it's so important to be constantly honest with each other about what is and what isn't working for you, because you're doing yourself and you're doing your partner a huge disservice by allowing things to go on that are turning you off. Because, yeah, now you're at a point where this is going to be a bigger, more challenging conversation, because it's like, he's going to be like, wait, you want me to stop doing this thing that I do all the time and have been doing all the time for a long time? Like what? You know, that is going to raise these other questions.

Do you remember something that you asked me to stop doing?

Oh, I don't know. Tell me.

There was a name that I called you, like, two times.

A name?

Yeah. You immediately were like, please don't call me that.

What was it?

Bunny. Oh, cause your mom calls you Bunny?

No, that was because that was a pet name from an ex. Also, my mom.

You told me your mom. I mean, this was like, a couple of months into us dating.

Well, good for me that I. Because that's true. Also, my mom called me that, but in, you know, my other. My only other, like, really, truly serious relationship, that was our pet name for each other. And. And it was in a kind of, like, gross, cutesy way. And so that was probably a little triggering for me at that point in time.

I actually remember saying it, and I was like, like, that's weird. I don't really like that that much either, so. But that's like a perfect example of, like, we were both trying things on. Like, we're getting to know each other. And I was like. I was trying out some words and figuring out what felt right for me and. But yeah, you jumped in right away and you're like, hey, actually, could you not call me that? Because my mom calls me that. And I just, like, don't want to think about my mom. And it was like a very. I was like, oh, yeah, no problem. I actually didn't really like it either. I don't know why I said it.

Great.

Yeah. So I think, like, it's totally fine to share something like that with your partner. Of course we wanna do it in a gentle, non shaming way. But I think, you know. Yeah. Let's try to tell your partner as soon as you can. Don't let it go on for a long time. And I wouldn't even say, like, I'm thinking about you doing this during sex and it's turning me off. Cause I think that'll probably make him feel too bad.

Yeah. And honestly, it's kind of your fault that you are thinking about this during sex. Like, this is a symptom of you allowing this to go on.

Yeah. Yeah.

For too long. It's almost like resentment isn't the right word. But it's like turning into that type of thing where it's like you've held this in. Ooh, I don't like this. Oh, I don't like this so much that now it's like we're having sex and I can't help but think about this thing that I wish that you wouldn't do hours ago. And yeah, like, that. That's on you. That's a problem. Like, you've created this situation and it's time to end that in as, you know, trying to go back to like how you would have done it had you kind of just cut this off at the pass rather than. Because I think this is the mistake that so many people make. They allow things to get to a point, like a boiling point, where it's like really impacting other areas of their life. And then they go in really hard and it's like, hey, this thing that you're doing is like making me really unhappy. Or like, I'm thinking about it all the time. I can't have sex with you. And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, where did this come from? How did this get to this point? This feels like a huge thing that was. Should have never been a huge thing. Like, I could have changed this so easily five years ago.

Yeah.

And never done this. But like, how are we here? So I think it's really important. And. Yeah. And it might be a couple of conversations because he. Obviously this has turned into a habit. Something that's part. He's doing it involuntarily. He's not thinking about it, I can guarantee you. So, yeah, it's gonna take some reminding. But it's like, yeah, hey, like, yeah, let's, you know, just remind her. Like, let's not do the. Let's not do the baby voice.

Yeah. So what I would do now is I would bring it up at a time, like, don't bring it up right when he's doing the baby talk voice. I would bring it up at a separate time.

And not when you're having sex.

Yeah, not when you're having sex. I would say something like, hey, I've been thinking lately and I don't really love us doing baby talk with each other. I would say it in that way. So it's not like when you do the baby talk. I would just say, like, I don't really love when we do baby talk with each other. Like, could we find some other different, you know, way of communicating with each other?

I have an idea too. I mean, because of the primary school teacher thing, I feel like it could be fair and understandable to say something. Like, I've been realizing, like, when I hear you using that baby talk voice, I find myself thinking about you, like, doing that maybe with, like, kids at school. And I'm realizing, like, I want to be thinking about you as, like, my adult husband rather than, you know, sort of like the teacher.

Yeah.

Like, at school, like, you know, I wanna. I wanna be looking at you in a different way. And so that could be a way for you to take some responsibility for. I am hearing what you're saying, and I am turning it into this other association. And. And that's a totally understandable thing to hear of. Like, oh, like, I'm. I want to be thinking about you in this, like, you know, like, adult marriage context, not this sort of, like, kid context. Mm.

Okay, let's get into our next question. Is it normal that I don't feel pleasure on my shaft from penetration? The orgasm is amazing and makes it worth it, but I go from meh to explosion very suddenly. Oral feels amazing. And hand stuff feels amazing. Penetration, though, doesn't feel like anything interesting.

Hmm. This is like, a really interesting, you know, kind of flipping the gender stereotype here. Cause I think, you know, we hear so often from women where it's like, oh, you know, intercourse doesn't do very much for me. Or is it normal that when my partner does X to me, I don't really feel much. And for the most part, we don't hear from penis owners very often saying, like, I'm struggling to feel something during this outside of, like, a death grip situation. Which I don't think this is because they're talking about. About manual and oral sex. Feels really great. So this is interesting because I'M thinking about when we have sex, I'm not really sure that I am able to differentiate. Like, when we're having intercourse, I'm not sure I'm really able to differentiate between, like, oh, I'm feeling this in my shaft versus I'm feeling this in the head of my penis. I know for certain that the head of my penis is much more sensitive than the shaft shaft. Like, if you were to give me a hand job that did not include any of the head of my penis, like, you were just, I like going up, just going up and down on the shaft, like, shake weight style, that I might struggle to orgasm. Shake. Well, because it's like, you know, you're not going, like, up and down that much. You're just like, don't get the head, don't get the head.

Don't say, you're so short, babe.

I mean, hey, Jake, two hands. But anyway, like, yeah, I think the shaft is not the most sensitive part of most men's penis.

That's true.

It's definitely not the most sensitive part of mine. That being said, when we have intercourse, the head of my penis is certainly getting a lot of stimulation just as much as the shaft because it's, it's, you know, the furthest thing in. So I do wonder, what are you doing during intercourse that is possibly different than what you're doing during manual or oral sex? Like, argue when you're having intercourse. Are you really going, like, all the way in and out? Why is the head of your penis not getting much stimulation? So I, I, yeah, I would be curious, like, mechanically, what is going on? Is it possible that, that maybe you're kind of just like, rocking back and forth kind of rather than, like, really penetrating? Or are you overly focused on, like, the shaft needing to feel sensation?

Okay, I got a lot of thoughts. First of all, let me say all bodies are different. We all like and respond to and feel different things. So if this isn't something that, like, bothers you, then I don't think it's something to worry about.

I do think that they are a little bothered because they're saying, it's like my orgasm comes out of nowhere. It goes from like, I'm not really feeling anything to all of a sudden I'm having an orgasm. And I could imagine how that could cause issues with, like, orgasmic timing and whatnot.

So one thought is, it could be that when your partner's doing oral or hand stuff, they're doing a much firmer grip on your shaft. And this could be actually Like a death grip kind of situation.

Oh, God.

Maybe this guy, you know, he's masturbating with, like, a firm grip. And you've just gotten your body accustomed to needing an intensity of stimulation that vaginas just can't match. And this is not a, like, loose vagina kind of thing, but it's, you know, the pressure that you can give with a hand, you cannot match that with a vagina. So that might be an issue. There might also be, like, kind of performance anxiety issue. Like, if this was something that kind of you randomly noticed one time and then you started getting into your head about it. And there are some. It's extremely rare, so I don't even wanna, like, really fully mention it, but, like, there are some medical conditions that can lead to different levels of sensitivity in your penis. So I would say if you're feeling concerned about it, it would be a good idea to check in with a sex therapist to talk about more of, like, the psychological and emotional issues that come up around sex for you. And you could do, you know, maybe like, your next checkup that you have with your doctor, just mention it and see if there might be any other underlying causes. My hunch is that there. There's probably not anything, like, really going on, but I would say the most likely culprit is probably death grip.

I'd also be curious, is your foreskin impacting the situation at all? Like, are you uncircumcised? And when you are. So most people who are uncircumcised, when they get hard, the foreskin retracts a bit so that the head of the penis can be stimulated. Now I'm wondering, is it possible that for you, if you are uncircumcised when you are hard, is your foreskin still covering the head of your penis? Because what I do wonder is possibly during oral sex, if your partner has their hand on your shaft and is pulling your foreskin back and then putting the head of your penis in their mouth, that you're getting stimulation that you can feel because the head of your penis is way more sensitive than the shaft, like I already said. So I do wonder if. If during manual or oral, because you're literally getting the. The foreskin of your penis is getting grabbed and pulled down, that is exposing the head of your penis. And I wonder, is it possible that during intercourse that's not happening because, you know, the vagina doesn't, like, grab just the shaft of your penis and pull the foreskin down? Like, come here.

Are you.

You're Sliding in and out. So that would definitely be something to think about. Like, lord, look at next time you get hard, like, play around with your foreskin and figure out, oh, maybe my head is being covered so that, like, I'm not actually able to feel something. So then that might be something to look into or, you know, speak with a doctor about of, like, is this normal that my foreskin is, like, so much covering the head of my penis because it's impacting my ability to enjoy myself during sex? All right, our next one. Is it normal for my partner to not help with cleanup or aftercare? I usually get up and go to the toilet as I always pee after sex. Then when I come back, we cuddle. But I've just seen women saying their man hands them a damp cloth or something. I've just always gotten up to go pee. Do other women just wait in bed and wait for their man to get them a cloth? Ha, ha. I like the haha at the end.

Okay. So, yeah, it's very normal for your partner not to help with cleanup or aftercare. I would say that's the most common thing that happens. There are some partners who do help, and there are some couples who have turned aftercare into, like, a cute little. Little routine or ritual between the two of them of, like, we do this together. I take care of you, or you take care of me. So I would say if you want that, then just ask your partner, like, if that feels sweet to you, then tell them that you would love them to do that. Maybe you guys can figure out, like, what would be a cute little routine for the two of you. Is there something like, yeah, do you want the damp cloth? Do you want a warm cloth? Do you want to cuddle in bed afterwards? You know, whatever it is you want.

A wad of toilet paper?

Do you want what Xander does? It's just, throw me a wad of Kleenex.

That's not exactly how it happens.

It's. I mean, we don't. We don't really have a cleanup ritual.

No, no, we don't. We don't have a ritual.

Yeah. I mean, I think if it's. If it feels sweet and connecting and intimate to you, I think it's a great opportunity. It's like, you're already in bed. You're already there. Like, go for it. We don't really have one, though. And it doesn't. I mean, it doesn't bother me that we don't.

I don't.

It's not something that I would, like, have requested or would request of you.

Yeah. So I think though, what I would say is it is very normal to fall into a pattern. When you are in a long term relationship with someone and having regular sex with them, it is totally normal to fall into a certain aftercare or cleanup pattern. It sounds like you've fallen into this pattern because you said, I usually just get up and go to the toilet because I always pee right after cleaning words. Which, interestingly, the research now seems to be mixed on whether that is actually helpful for preventing UTIs. Right, Vanessa?

It's true. Yeah. I mean, research has shown that it doesn't really make the biggest impact. That being said though, I still think it's a good idea to just go ahead and do it. It's like, it doesn't, it doesn't cost you anything to get up and go pee. But it, you know, for some people, it, it does feel like it has a big impact. So it's like, even if it just made a tiny impact, I would say just go ahead and do it. But the, the getting up can feel like it interrupts the possibility. So if you want to do something connecting with your partner, I think you need to be really clear of like, okay, I'm going to get up to go pee, but then I'm going to come back and I want us to do xyz or I want you to clean me up first, then I'm going to go pee, then I'm going to come back and we'll continue this.

Yeah. So like, what I was saying though is that it's super easy to fall into these sort of like unspoken patterns, which it sounds like you have fallen into. And so, so I doubt that your partner is, say, lazy or uncaring likely. What if your partner were to describe this? If you were to say, hey, I hate what happens after sex. Why do you do this? Your partner would be like, well, since we first started having sex, it kind of felt like you just got up right away and went to the bathroom. And so I assume that that's what you wanted to do or that's what you needed to do. And like, that's why we do what we do. Like. But it's also totally normal to, if there's something that you want or need or a new aftercare routine or ritual that you want to get into, that's totally normal to just talk about it. Just make, make a request. Hey, it would be nice if we did X, Y and Z. I think that would feel good. I think that you would be surprised at how easily your partner would agree to whatever it is that you're suggesting.

All right, well that wraps up our questions for today. I'm sure we will do another round of this because they're always so fascinating. We had a bunch of questions that we didn't have a chance to get around to today because we went too deep. We went too deep on some of them.

Too deep. A Vanessa and Xander's story.

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