Episode 195: Giddyup, Cowgirl! Tips, Tricks, & Techniques For Maximum Pleasure

What do you see when I'm on top?

I see my wife fucking me. I mean, pretty straightforward.

What does that look like, though?

I mean, it looks the same as it would look from any angle.

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had.

Today we've got a special guest. His name is Chauncey. He is a half pug, half penese, and he is.

You can't just say that. Well, this is why we really need video. We're working on full video for the episodes, but Chauncey has decided that he wants to sit next to me in my chair today. And it. This is ridiculous. But he won't budge and I feel bad kicking him off. Then he's like sitting kind of like.

Kind of like a human would in this chair.

Yeah, sitting up. And you'll probably hear his little grumbles and grunts during this episode because he's not moving. Okay, but today we have a very important topic that we are talking about. Cowgirl. It is one of our favorite sex positions. It's one of many people's favorite sex positions, but it is also a position most women feel really self conscious in. I don't really know what I'm doing. I get self conscious. It's embarrassing. Am I doing it right? So we decided let's make an entire episode just breaking down the ins and outs of exactly what to do.

Yeah. I'd say it's a un underappreciated and under understood. Can you say understood?

No. Misunderstood.

Misunderstood. There's a lot of. I think that there are a lot of ways that people think cowgirl is supposed to be, and there's some people that love it, but there's a lot of people that hold off on it because they don't understand what all the options are and how great it can be.

So we're going to do an entire episode devoted to cowgirl.

But first we got to get into this week's review of the week, because reviews really are the best way to help our podcast grow and to show new listeners that this is a legit not only a legit, but an actually awesome podcast. So here's how our review of the week giveaway works. If you hear your review read, you win a free masterclass. All you have to do DM us on Instagram or email us@infomtherapy.com and if you would like to enter the giveaway, just go to the Apple Podcasts page for Pillow Talks. Scroll all the way to the bottom, you'll see the review section. Smash that five star button and just leave a couple sentences about what you love about the podcast. So, without further ado, my favorite podcast. Vanessa and Xander have taught me so much about not only how to connect to my partner sexually, but also emotionally. I've been a listener since close to day one and continue to grow and learn with and from them. My partner and I have benefited immensely from all the unique and relevant topics they candidly talk about. And I will continue listening for as long as possible. Oh, keep up the great work. Thank you.

What a great review. Thank you.

That's very sweet.

So much. Yeah, it's great to have. People have been around since day one.

We're close to day one. That's great.

And also welcome to any new listeners who are just joining us. This is maybe your first episode. First couple of episodes. We're super excited to have you in the Pillow Talks family. Okay, let's talk about why we love Cowgirl. So if you're not like on board yet, you're like, I don't know, I just don't want to get on top. Like, let's go over some of the reasons why it's such a great position now that I just had such a great position. I feel like we also have to just give a little disclaimer that it's my week two of Invisalign, my second podcast recording with my Invisalign aligners. So a little extra lispy, but.

And me too, I got mine into in solidarity. In solidarity with Vanessa. Usually I take them out when we record, but we already did something else kind of live earlier today and I had them out and it's just not.

We're just lisping our way through California.

It's not great to have them out for that many hours of the day. So, you know, I'm engaging in some self care sort of while self care, not, not quite torture, but it could. Invisalign is really not that bad, but just, you know, a little bit of annoyance. But anyway, recording the podcast at the same time.

Okay. So why we love Cowgirl first, first and foremost, it is the best position for female orgasm. If you want to have an orgasm during intercourse, this is your best bet. Yeah, the highest likelihood, highest likelihood is.

Setting yourself up for the most success.

And one of the reasons for that is because it allows for really great clitoral stimulation, which is truly the key to making intercourse more pleasurable, more satisfying for, for anybody with a clitoris. Like, let's just kind of jump into this right at the top here. Like, one of the big problems with intercourse is that as a woman, you're getting stimulation of a part of your body that is not really hardwired to feel a lot of sensation that's in the vagina. Right. But the most sensitive part of our body is the clitoris. And the clitoris in most positions generally does not get a lot of stimulation. So with cowgirl, there are a lot of options for clitoral stimulation. You can reach down your own hand and touch your clitoris. Your partner can very easily use their hand. Either one of you could use a toy on you, or we'll talk about this in a minute. But there are ways to adjust the angle where you're actually grinding more against your partner's, like, lower abdomen. So you're getting that stimulation too. But bottom line is it's one of the easiest positions to get more clitoral stimulation during intercourse. So that's what makes it one of the most reliable for orgasm. The other thing that's great about it is that as the woman, you're in full control of the pace, the depth, the angle, the rhythm, everything. And so one thing that we often hear from women is it's hard to reach orgasm during intercourse, number one, because you're really not getting the stimulation of the part of your body that you really need. But number two, in male female relationships in general, men tend to be in the lead during intercourse. And that means you. He is changing the pace, changing the rhythm, changing the angle and the depth and everything. And a lot of women will say, like, I'll feel like I'm getting close. And then he changes something and I feel like I'm back to square one. So in this position, you are in control. You get to dictate how you move and what you do, which again, can just make it so much easier to feel a lot of pleasure and orgasm. I also want to talk about cowgirl, like building confidence. So we're going to talk a little bit about how people get really self conscious about it. A lot of people are worried about it, but once you take that Step to, you know, decide that you're gonna get confident, to experiment with it, to find what feels good for you. Like, it's just an incredibly empowering position. Like, there's nothing like being up there, being in control, doing what you want. It just feels really good. So I think it's a great practice for so many women to take ownership of their pleasure, to take ownership of the moment, to not just be kind of letting sex happen to us, like, we are taking the lead in it as well. Babe, one of the best things that you have made me do is drink more water.

Uh huh.

You are. Xander is like, big on the hydration train. He is all about drinking water. And I didn't realize before he started gently encouraging me to drink more water. But, like, I really wasn't drinking that much. And I'm not alone. Like, most Americans in particular, like, really, really do not drink nearly enough water. I think actually 75% of Americans are dehydrated, which is wild. So Xander got me on that water drinking train. I started feeling so much better, seeing so many differences with, like, my sleep, my skin, my energy level. But I think one of the big problems that comes up for people around drinking water is a lot of people don't like the taste. I feel like I'm pretty lucky that, like, I actually like the taste of water. But most people are like, it just, it has no flavor. I don't want to drink it.

It's not that exciting.

Yeah, it's not exciting.

It's not very sexy.

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Yes. And not only is it a great confidence builder for the person on top, it's also super sexy for the person on the bottom who is being ridden. It's a great angle. You can see everything. You can, you can touch. You can touch your partner's clitoris. They can touch their clitoris. You have a front row seat to watching that. You can, you can grab their breasts. You can really touch anywhere from their abdomen upward. You can even kind of lean up and kiss them. Like, there's so many options, which is super awesome.

Wait, can I interrupt you here? Because I remember I saw a reel like maybe a year ago where it was like, it was like pov, me discovering what it really looks like for him, like from his perspective during cowgirl. And so it was like a woman who had put the camera, like on the bed, like facing up and recorded herself. And she. Then she was like, oh, my God. I feel so self conscious because it was. It was a little like double chinny. You're kind of like. It just seemed like an unflattering angle. And I'll be honest. Like, when I first saw that reel, I was like, oh, my God. Does that. Is that how it looks like? I hadn't really. I don't know. I feel super sexy when I'm on top and I think it's a sexy view. But when I saw the angle that she filmed it from, like, to be totally honest, I was like, oh, my God, maybe it's not that flattering.

Oh, God. I. I don't know what to say. Other, like, it's. It's just like, it's so. It's so deflating to hear that perspective. I feel so bummed because I already kind of feel like I've lost. Like, nothing I can really say is going to change your perspective on that or, you know, nothing that I say right now is going to change a woman's perspective that has seen something like that or believe something like that. All I will say is, okay, one camera angle. Like, what something looks like out of a camera or like a phone camera versus what something looks like out of real human eyes is different. It's a different field of vision. It's a diff. Like, it's just, you know, because, you know, you take a picture of something, you're like, man, that doesn't really look like what I saw with my eyes. This does not capture the totality of what I'm experiencing at all. Very often photos don't. And I mean, that's really. I guess what makes a great photographer is someone that's really able to capture something where you're like, oh, wow. Like, that really does match up with what I see.

So you're saying the solution is for me to find a professional photographer to take a photo of me from below that will look better?

Yeah. So, again, let's set that aside. We're probably not doing that, but, yeah. So look one, what your phone sees and what, you know, a real human with eyes that knows you and knows you to be more than just a camera angle. Like, they're totally different things. And also, like, I just want to say, like, I don't. And I don't think any man out there. Well, I don't think anyone other than yourself sees other people or sees the world in camera angles. Like, oh, God, this is such a bad angle of that person. Oh, God. I mean, look, the reality is, babe, I'm a foot taller than you.

I was looking at me from a weird angle.

You would be shocked at what you. If you. Like, if. You know. And we've done this before, we played this game where, you know, you take a photo from up above. You kind of have to do like. Like 0.5x on. On the iPhone in order to get closer to kind of like what I.

Look like a little child in your eyes.

But to be clear, when it comes to, like, the difference between camera angles in real life, that's a Fisheye lens. So that's. The lens is playing tricks on. On things. But, yeah, anyway, you know, it looks funny. You're like, oh, my God, that's what I look like from up there. But it's like, the reality is I'm in a relationship with you. I'm married to you. This is how I see you all the time. This is who you are. You are my wife. Regardless of whether I'm seeing you from above, from below, from in front, from behind, like, you are who you are. It doesn't. Who you are doesn't change to me based on the angle that I see you at.

So what do you see When I'm on top?

I see my wife fucking me. I mean, pretty straightforward.

What does that look like, though? What does it look like?

I mean, it looks the same as it would look from any angle. Like you're having sex with me. Like, fuck, yeah. I'm excited about that.

Okay.

I mean, it's all the things that you were just talking about about, like, how it can help you take ownership and build confidence. And, like, watching that is really sexy. Like, I. And I love watching you, like, feeling yourself, whether that's, like, actually touching yourself or, like, just enjoying, you know, energetically feeling yourself. Like, I love that. I love that. And it's. Yeah, it's sad. It's sad to think about how you might be thinking, like, oh, this is so unflattering.

Okay. It's good to hear you say that.

Because it's not. It's not. Because. And also, I mean, what I see, I love. Like, I get to see your breasts. I get to see your. I get to see, like, everything happening. Like, I can see you going up and down. Like, it's. It's. I can see everything, and I. And it's great. Yeah.

Okay. Interesting to hear you talk about that. And interesting to hear the, like. Yeah. The deflatedness that came up initially of just the. Like. I feel like probably a lot of men feel that way about.

A lot of men are probably. Are probably sick. Are sick of trying to tell their partner. No, I don't see that.

Oh, that sounds really sad, though. Sick. Well, sick of it. Like, that sounds like it's an annoyance.

Well, no, I mean, I think that it's, you know, it's like. What's the. I don't know. Maybe sick isn't the right word, but it's just, like, deflated by the fact that they have. You know, I feel like many men would feel like I've said this to my partner so many times, like, I just really want you to believe they don't believe me. And I think a lot of men kind of give up and just go, well, all right, what, like, what can I say?

I feel like this is a whole other episode.

Yeah, we've talked about this before, I think. But yeah, I mean, I do think that a lot of men give up on that. And then we hear, and then we'll hear from partners like, oh, well, he never says anything about this anymore. And if, then if you get, if you get them sitting down together and the man tells his experience, he'll be like, you know, hey, like 10 years ago you were going, you know, you kept bringing up all these things. And I, you know, I try to tell you in so many different ways how that's not how I see it. And it just like, it didn't seem like anything I said helped. And in fact, it maybe seemed like it got worse because then you said, you don't believe me? So I gave up. I mean, it seemed like I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't. I think that's the dynamic that so many men get into.

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Yeah, well we kind of went deep there.

Yeah, let's, let's move on now.

Let's, let's back to Cowgirl. Let's bring that, let, let's bring the energy back up because I think also another great thing about Cowgirl and this one might be counterintuitive. So I'll explain what I mean. It can also help men last longer. And now I'll, I'll tell You. The first couple times I experienced cowgirl in my.

You did my early days, it did.

Not help me last longer. And that's because I didn't know any of the stuff that we are going to talk about further, you know, further on in this episode. But, yeah, when cowgirl is happening and it's like a lot of extreme up and down movement and you feel like, oh, well, I'm on the bottom. I can't, like, really be involved in this at all. Then, yeah, it's like totally out of. You feel like, you know, kind of, oh, my God, this is out of my hands or out of my control. You know, you get overstimulated. But I think what a lot of people don't realize is that within cowgirl, there are so many variations that you can easily make. Not only are there variations, but there are a lot of different types of movement. I think most people mistake the movement that they see in porn for this is how cowgirl is done. And that is a very vigorous and energetic and highly stimulating way to have cowgirl that most men would not last very long in at all. But when you are, you know, utilizing more grinding type of techniques, when you're incorporating clitoral stimulation, like with your. Your hand or your partner's hand at the same time, it opens up all these opportunities to adjust the pace for the man, but keep up the stimulation for the woman. And so it can be a really great. A really great way to kind of as the man, I feel like, you know, we have enough experience with this. I feel really confident I can get as much or as little stimulation as I need during. When you are on top so that we can keep going and, you know, get you to where you want to go. And then once I see that that's starting to happen, then I can kind of let loose.

Let loose.

Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. We'll talk more about those variations in a little bit. The other great thing about cowgirl is it's very versatile. We're obviously have been focusing the last few minutes on male, female relationships, but it can work for lots of other configurations too. It can work for anal sex. It works really well for outer course, which is maybe we need to do a whole outer course episode. I think most people don't even know what that means, but outercourse is like, basically when you're playing, you're playing hot dog. The hot dog is in the bun, and you're rubbing, you're using the penis to, like, rub alongside the labia, like, rub the clitoris.

So, yeah. So the penis is not going into the vagina, it is rubbing. Being enveloped by the lips of the labia.

Playing hot dog I just came up with that in the moment. I'm pretty proud of that.

I know, that was great. I was gonna say, I was gonna say though, like, you know, we can't do that like gatekeeping thing where like we talk around something and then people are like, oh, haha, that's really funny.

But I don't actually know what it.

Means, so we gotta spell it out.

Playing hot dog I really wanna get a little clip of your face. When I said that, you were like, okay, it's great for playing hot dog. It can also be really fun for power play. Like if you wanna have some role playing power play dynamics during it, kind of talking about like, you know, being boss or playing with or control. Because obviously like you're, you know, as the person on top, you're fully in control. And it can also work really well for pregnancy. I mean, every body is different, so it might not be great for your particular body, but in general, a lot of pregnant people say that it's a more comfortable position for them.

I, I mean, I completely forgot. Yeah. For a moment. That's what I thought. And I was like trying to, I was like, huh, how would that work?

But no, no, for already being pregnant.

It'll get you a real pregnant. But yeah, no, I think, I think though, some people listening to this might be like, wait, what? When I'm pregnant? Like, how the hell is that going to be more comfortable for me? Just, just you wait there. This. It sounds really uncomfortable. If you're thinking like your feet are flat on the ground and you're like basically squatting up and down.

Oh yeah, just wait.

That's. That is one way that is, that is really a variation of cowgirl. That is not really what cowgirl truly is. What cowgirl truly is is for most people, quite comfortable.

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I have a question about that actually. Okay. If you have that perspective that, oh, like I'm way too on display, what do you think you are when I'm on top? Like you're splayed out on the bed like you're on display. And also I'm hidden. And also with this whole fucking camera angle thing when I'm on top, like I have a pretty similar angle of you. Like because I'm up so I'm still a bit back. Like if I really lean down then my head is over years because I'm a foot taller than you. But most if we weren't, if I wasn't a Foot taller than you. If we were the same height or closer in height, I would be, I'm not going to be like down at your navel. But like I, you know, if you are up a little bit in the air, like I'm still looking at you from like under your chin.

Well, I think like, I think as women we are taught to be so self conscious of how our bodies look during sex. I mean I grew up, we've talked about this before. Like I grew up in the 90s seeing all these, you know, Cosmo magazines when you're checking out at the grocery store that were like five positions to hide your belly bulge. And it was really drilled into me at such a young age of like, I need to pay attention to what my body looks like during positions. Like I don't want to have the belly bulge, I don't want to have my little pooch hanging over. And so I remember one of the, one of the most powerful things that you ever said to me. Like I think I asked you about it specifically. I was like, do you notice like my, there was a position that we did where I was like it, you know, it made skin rolls on my stomach and I was like, did you notice that? And you were so baffled. Just like, no.

Like why would I having sex with you, why would I be thinking?

It's just something that gets in our brains, you know, from all those frickin magazine articles. But you're right. Like it's not like, it's not like we're magically hidden when we're on the bottom, but there, like with the belly in particular, like that's when your stomach looks the flattest. So I think a lot of women feel most comfortable for that. But on the other hand then you get a little like east west boob action. Like my boobs are sliding into my armpits when I'm on my back.

So it's like if you wanna, if you wanna make the case for why you look awful in any position, I'm sure that you can. Like there's always, there's always gonna be something though. I, I kind of want to turn this around on you for a second. I know we keep going, we keep going down this path, but here we are. I'm curious, think about what it is like for you when you're like, you're really turned on. Like we're in the middle of it. Maybe you're not like at the point of no return orgasm wise, but you're like well on the pathway.

Okay.

You're Loving it.

Okay.

Yeah. Okay. So in that mindset, you're horny, you're. You're feeling good. Are you open to, like, observing? Like, what does this look like? What does that look like? Are you just, like, fuck? Yeah, I'm all in on the sex and the pleasure.

I think you have a really good.

Point there, because men, like, almost 100% of the time that they are having intercourse are in that mindset. Like, I could care less, like, if you were wearing a mask or, like, all like. Like, whatever, man. Like, we are. We're finishing the job.

Is that a sneaky way of you telling me you want me to wear a mask?

No. I don't know. I don't know why mask came to. I was trying to think of, like, what could happen. I'm like, well, I can't actually imagine something happening in the middle of sex that would cause her to change her appearance.

Okay, I think that is a good point, though, because there definitely is a moment during sex when the pleasure starts to become so overwhelming that I get locked in on that experience. Yeah, but. And, yeah, and from that point of being locked in, I'm not paying attention to what my body looks like, what your body looks like. Like, I'm just in the zone. But I think that's precisely the problem, because most women don't get to that place.

Oh, yeah. But the thing is, is that her partner is. And her partner is probably. If he's a man, he's most likely in that zone before the penetration even happens. Like, the moment he's, like. He's, like, hard and ready to go, his mind is on, let's start the penetration. And then once that happens, it's like, hell, yeah, let's do this.

So I think the solution is we need to help more women get to the zone, the pleasure zone, where they're fully locked in.

But I think it would help a lot of women to think about what that zone is like for you when you get there and then go, oh, yeah, my partner is already there. Because I think the thing is, you're not getting into that zone because you're. You are not allowing yourself to because you're in that mindset. You're like, my partner is looking at me from this. I don't know, like, Cosmo magazine. Ask perspective which. One, they probably aren't ever looking at you that way. But two, they're certainly not looking at you that way. They're. They are in the zone. So it's like, you got to remind yourself, you know, it's not. It's both. Yeah, we got to help you get into that zone. You also got to help yourself get to that zone by reminding yourself, oh, hey, yeah, this is what it's like for my partner. They are locked in right now.

And if you've never even been in the zone and you're like, fuck, just stay tuned. We'll, don't worry, we've got you covered.

We'll get you there.

But yeah, it definitely is a problem that so many women have never experienced that kind of pleasure during sex for many reasons. Okay, dear listener, we want you to be honest with us right now. Are you tired? Most of us are just not getting good enough sleep. And one of the things that contributes to us not getting great sleep is that we're so freaking hot at night, we're not sleeping with the right bedding. So we need to tell you all about Cozy Earth. They make some of the most incredible bedding. It is so freaking soft. But most importantly, it's temperature regulating. Their sheets are so breathable, you will sleep several degrees cooler. They're made out of enhanced fabric that won't pill. They're guaranteed for 10 years. They have a hundred night sleep trial so you can try it for 100 nights. Make sure you love it. And a 10 year warranty. That's how much they believe in their product. And really Cozy Earth is just all about that softness. Like, they make your bed feel so luxurious. It feels like a sanctuary. You're going to be excited to crawl into bed at the end of the night and just wrap yourself up in all that Cozy Earth goodness. But again, it also like, makes a really big difference with the sleep that you're getting. Cozy Earth also makes a ton of other incredible products. They have bath linens, they have clothing, they have really nice blankets and slippers. So if you're just like, life is crazy. I'm tired. I just want to be wrapped up in softness all the time. Like, it's such a great way to bring that little touch of luxury into your life, but at a very affordable price because Cozy Earth has given us a killer deal. You can get 40% off your purchase at cozyearth.com pillow talks or use our code Pillow Talks. So when you check out, you may see a post purchase survey. If you get one, please let them know that you heard about them right here on Pillow Talks. Don't wait Comfort. Like, this is calling your name. Get 40% off your purchase at cozyearth.com pillow talks or use our code Pillow Talks. Okay. We also Aren't doing it. Like, one of the main reasons is feeling unsure how to move. Like worried about looking silly. Like, I don't know what I'm doing up there. I look like an idiot. I think it's kind of similar to dancing. Like a lot of people are like, oh, I don't, like, I don't know what I'm, I don't know the steps. I don't know what I'm doing.

Like, I feel like I could improve my dancing. For sure.

I could too.

For sure.

We'll get to, we'll get to some tips and tricks for how to do it. We've talked a lot about feeling too self conscious of your body and also getting tired too quickly. A lot of people say, like, it starts to hurt me, I just get exhausted. I have a feeling I've got something for you.

I got a feeling what is happening if that is your experience and there are some simple solutions to this.

Okay, so now let's really get into the nitty gritty here. We are going to walk you through how to do cowgirl. And this is some of our favorite stuff to do. Like, there's so much generic sex advice out there now. Like, I appreciate that more people are talking about and writing about sex openly, but so much of the advice is so generic. It's like, oh, just try a new position or like just explore, just experiment. That's not helpful to me. I'm like, I don't know how to experiment or explore if I don't know what the options are. If I don't know like the basic, like how to do the basics. So we're really going to break down for you specific detailed advice about getting good at cowgirl.

Also, the, the other problem is that many of the places where you see the options laid out for you with, you know, are like these ridiculous over the top sex positions of like a picture of whether it's like stick figures doing it or actual people like fake doing it. Like softcore porn doing it with no explanation of. Here's how you actually get from both people separate to. Into this position. Here's how you actually move in that position. I know so many things. You're like, you see a picture or something, you're like, ooh, that that could, that looks like it's really hot. And then you try to do it and you're like, what the fuck? Like how, how did they do that? And so yeah, for us it's so important when we talk about sex positions to really talk about all of it. Not Just, like, showing you what it should look like. But all the how to get in, how to get out, how to move.

Okay. So the penetrating partner, pretty easy for you. All you got to do is lie on your back.

Lie on your back, relax, enjoy the view.

Okay. If you're the partner who's going to be on top. So you're going to get onto your knees and climb on top of your partner, facing their head, with one leg on either side of their torso.

Let me repeat on your knees, not on your feet. Don't even think about your feet for.

Now if that doesn't feel super comfortable. A great little hack is to put pillows underneath each of your knees. Sometimes, like, depending on the size of your bodies, the size differences between your bodies, your flexibility level, like, doing that straddling can be a little bit difficult. But if you put firm pillows underneath you, that can be really helpful.

Yeah, I can imagine that. If your partner lying down, is it maybe a bit bigger or wider than, you know, without putting something on each side to give you a little bit of elevation that you could either feel like your knees are stretched too wide or, you know, you're not able to be high enough above your partner. So add a little something to give you some height.

Okay. Next step is you're gonna slowly lower yourself down onto your partner's penis. Or if you're using a dildo or a toy. And here's really the key. Use your hand to help with that initial penetration.

Yeah, he's not really gonna be very good for helping because he isn't quite going to be able to see the angle.

Yeah. And having his hand, like, at the base of his shield, it'll be in the way. So this is a really big misconception that people have about intercourse. We feel like our bodies are just supposed to go together without any assistance. And so people get really embarrassed if they can't get that initial penetration in a new position. Right.

Especially if that's the first position you're doing during intercourse. Because often if you've been having intercourse for a while, maybe there's some more lubrication going on. It often gets easier to have that initial penetration in a new position. But if it's like the first one, it's going to take a little, you know, a little work.

Yeah. So there is nothing wrong with using your hands. That is very normal, very common.

It's hot, too. It's really hot for the person on the bottom.

Yeah. And it's like our. Our bodies are not magnets. It's not like, the penis is, like, just getting sucked up into the vagina. Like, they need a little bit of assistance. And also that initial penetration is not always the smoothest. Like, it doesn't just slide right in. Like, oftentimes you have to work it in a little bit, take a little bit of time. Especially you're not super turned on if you're not super lubricated or you're not using lube, or sometimes just because it's just the first time that a large object is going into your small vagina. Like, it just takes a little bit of working in, working your way in.

Yeah, I know, I know. For us like that. Yeah, there's. There's often, like, a little bit more friction, like, right at the beginning and kind of just like. Yeah, I mean, almost like, just stretching out. Like, we gotta get. Get the thing in there. And then. And then there's more lubrication. And then all of a sudden it's like, oh, okay, yeah, this is. It's happening.

So grab the shaft with one of your hands and, like, help guide it into you and.

And go slow the first.

Go slow. Yeah. And you can also, like, use your other hand to find your own vaginal opening. Like, so that you're. That way. You really know. Okay, here's where I'm aiming it towards. Now, once you're in place, you have a number of options for what to do with your hands. So you can rest your hands on your thighs. You can rest your hands, like, on your partner's body, so maybe on their chest, on their shoulder. Oftentimes, partner, like, the partner on the bottom will have a preference. Like, I know you don't love for me to have my hands on your chest like, that feels like too much pressure, but shoulders are usually fine. Depending on. We'll talk about more about different ways to play. But you might be able to put your hands up on, like, the headboard or maybe the pillows beside your partner's head.

Kind of depends on your bed configuration.

And you can even do, like, sometimes I'll put my hands back onto my heels, so I'm, like, leaning back ever so slightly, but sometimes putting the pressure on my heels rather than on my thighs can, like, feel a little bit better.

Yeah, having your hands on something will give you more leverage.

Exactly. Okay, now let's talk about how to move once you're into position.

All right, Easy one here. If you are the partner on the bottom, just enjoy the ride for now. We can talk a little later, I guess, about sort of options for your movement. But for the most part, or at least at the beginning, just enjoy the ride.

Okay. If you are the partner on top. If there is one thing that you come away from this entire podcast episode with, it is this. Forget what you've seen in porn. You do not need to bob up and down. Cowgirl is actually about grinding, not about bobbing.

So it's more of a back and forth than an up and down.

What we have to remember is that the way that porn is filmed is to be visually appealing, to show big, obvious movements that it looks like something's happening. So that's why you see this really frenzied sometimes bobbing up and down.

Yeah. There has to be a lot of up and down movement so that you can see the penis too. The reality with cowgirl is that, yeah, they're often. Not like, never, but, like, often you wouldn't see a lot of dick. Like, the penis is inside, and it's more of a. You're moving back and forth or forward and back.

Yeah. So, like, you absolutely can do a little bobbing up and down action if you'd like, but it is going to tire your knees and your thighs so quickly. Like, I feel like I'm pretty in shape and I can last like 20 seconds. Maybe, like, if I go flat on my feet and I'm doing the bobbing thing, it's just like, it's fine, it's fun, but it's just over so quickly. I feel they're not worth it.

There's also, like, no way to train even if you do squats. Like, when you do squats, you don't squat. You don't bring your butt all. All the way down to the floor, back up. Like, that's just like. That's like, not. That's not a thing. It's probably not good for your knees either.

Have you seen that reel? That's like. It's like your training doesn't have to make sense to anybody but you. And it's like it's a woman on a treadmill and she's like, got one arm down and, like one arm up. And you're like, what the heck is going on? And then you see later that she's like the person who pushes the bobsled.

Yeah.

So she's like. She's imitating the movement that she needs to do to, like, go do the push up or the raise. It's like that. It's like your training is just bobbing up and down.

Yeah. Maybe if you hit the gym and set up some Type of exercise where you're having to bob like. Like squats from the floor where you're not going all the way up. You're only going up, like, three inches.

No, it's just the bobbing is too hard on your knees. It's too hard on your hips, on your thighs. Like, just don't. If you want to do it for funsies for 5 to 10 seconds, go for it. But, like, that is not the heart of what cowgirl is all about.

That's also way too much stimulation for the penis on the bottom. That's just like cruising. Cruising for a quick, quick ejaculation.

I thought you were gonna come up with something that rhymed with bruising.

Yeah, I don't know.

Okay, so, yes, it's more of a rocking your hips back and forth. It's a much subtler movement than most people think back and forth, like, towards your partner's head and away from your partner's head. So it's just like, if you've ever done, like, a pelvic tuck in a workout. Yeah. As Andrew's doing it right now, it's just like a little slight rocking motion of your hips. You're doing a great job, babe.

Great.

Ride them, cowgirl. You can also try grinding your pelvis in circles, like, slow circles. That can be really fun. Super sexy.

Yeah. And I mean, another reason for this is that this is that sort of back and forth grinding or grinding in any direction is far more likely to get some more clitoral stimulation before we've even talked about using, like, a hand or finger on the clitoris, because not the one. It's giving sort of some amount of opportunity for possibly a bit of the clitoris to be kind of grinding against some. Some skin. Also, you know that back and forth, you're more likely to. To stimulate whatever internal part of the clitoris is closer to the vaginal wall, whereas on the flip side, just that up and down motion. Like, even if your clitoris is located fairly close to your vaginal wall, that just up and down isn't going to, like, apply any pressure on that internal portion of the clitoris.

Okay, let's talk about some ways to play around with cowgirl. And Chauncey is out of here. Now. I'm just absolutely coated in white dog hair. But, Xander, why don't you tell us a little bit about some ways to play.

All right, so let's get back to, you know, what I have been teasing this whole time for, you know, the guys on the bottom who are like, oh, My God, I can't last in this position. So this is your opportunity to experiment with being in a bit more control of some of or even all of the motion. So like, you can hold on to your partner's hips or you can tell them to stay still while you thrust up against them. And so, you know, you can choose as well, like are you just thrusting straight up and down or are you engaging in a bit more of kind of the opposite grinding motion that they were doing with you? So this can be a way for you to take turns with sort of who's in charge. And it can also, it can also allow you to kind of non verbally slow things down or speed things up. And that's more like if you got your hands on their hips, you can kind of direct them to like, okay, like let's slow this down. Let's, you know, you can kind of guide with your hands like, okay, like, let's speed this up a little bit. I'd also encourage you to use your words, like, I mean, real simple tip. If you, you know, as a penis owner are starting to get excited and feel like you can't control yourself, the easiest thing to do is say, hey, hold on, like, let's slow down for a second. Or even like, let's stop for a second. The great thing about cowgirl is you can stop, but you can still be, you know, you can still be inside. You could completely stop the movement and just switch to using a finger on the clit or something like that. But I think most guys will find pretty quickly is that there will be certain types of grinding. Like maybe whether that's more of a side to side or back and forth, or a certain type of grinding where you will feel like, okay, this feels good, but it doesn't feel like, like an uncontrollable amount of stimulation. And I feel like that's, you know, after doing this a lot like, you know, I, I feel like I really understand exactly like, okay, cool. Like I can feel what direction things are going. If it's getting too far, I can, I can slow it down. I feel confident there are certain types of movement that we can do where we can still be doing it and you can still be getting, you know, stimulation that's enjoyable for you. Whereas I'm in sort of a steady state where I'm like, okay, cool, this, this feels good. I'm enjoying the show, I'm enjoying the ride, but I'm not like, I'm not like, oh my God, like three more of these and it's over for me.

I will say, too, if you're the partner on the bottom, it's definitely hot for you to have moments where you take over and you're like, you know, hold me still, and you're, you know, moving up in. But in general, I would say, unless you're explicitly doing that, for the most part, try to stay still, because it can knock your partner off their game if you're thrusting, because then it's like, oh, well, now we have to, like, line up.

Yeah, you're fighting each other.

It feels like that a little bit. And it can be a difficult position to line your thrusts up in. Okay. We just had to take a little pause. So now Maggie, the black dog, is in my lap.

She didn't want to be left out.

Okay, so let's talk about ways to play if you are the partner on top of. I definitely recommend that you play around with the angles. Cowgirl's really all about finding the right angle. That works for you. And one of my favorite tips about sex positions is that the smallest changes can make the biggest differences in sensation. So even just adjusting your angle, like, 15% can actually feel way better. Did I do the math? Like, see a 15%? Yeah. That's like, a decent change.

I don't know.

I was trying to think about, like.

Not sure how you quantify that. No, I was just. I was just saying degrees.

That's what I was thinking.

Oh, 15 degrees. There you go.

That's like, a decent change.

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

But no, but, yeah, I think this gets back to what I was just saying. For, you know, the person on the bottom is. You might be surprised that, oh, you know, this one type of movement is like, oh, wow, this is really stimulating. And then you could. There can be a slight adjustment, and it's like, ah, okay, cool. Like, all right, I can handle, like, I. I can settle in and not worry that I'm, like, about to go to come.

Yeah. So the best way to play around with the angles is by moving your hand placement. So I suggest starting off with your hands on your thighs. But then try, like, leaning forward more. So you put your hands on your partner's chest. Try their shoulders, the. You know, the pillow around them somewhere on the bed. But just try moving around and see, like, what feels best for you. And I'll put another little plug in for a slight lean back. And holding onto your heels, you want to be careful not to lean too far back, because then you can, like, bend the penis and start pulling it in a direction. It's not really supposed to go.

Or it can slip out or.

Yeah, it's much more likely to slip out. But I find that a very small, like a 5 degree bend backwards can actually help hit the anterior wall of the vagina, which is where the legs of the clitoris are. So that can feel really pleasurable.

We're gonna have to pull the protractor out next time we're doing this.

I think 5 degrees is like a very small little angle. Okay. The other great way to play with angles is playing with your partner's upper body. So your partner can be lying flat on the bed. They can be pushed up by some pillows. They can be seated all the way up. Like, you can really. You've got zero to 90 to work with. There you go.

We remember. We remember our geometry.

So try having your partner, like, at a lot of different angles, because if they are propped up a little bit more, it naturally activates their ab muscles. They get a little bit tighter, so there's, like, a more firm surface for you to grind up against.

Yeah. And, bro, you get ripped at the same time working on that six pack. Yay.

Just, like, subtly doing a little ab workout.

Who needs a gym? And you got cowgirl. Gross.

Okay, and pro tip, if you put a little bit of lube on your clit, that can make it just slide around even easier, give you even more stimulation. It can be so good. You can also play around with using a toy. So you can hold a toy on yourself. You can get a really small little vibrator that kind of just you can put in between your bodies and it stays in place. You can get a ring with a little vibrating attachment on it too. Your partner can use the toy, but those can be some great ways to play around with it. Okay, and remember, golden rule for cowgirl, and really for any sex position is we call it abc. Always be touching the clit.

Always be clit.

Always be, always be touching the clit. So whether that's you touching it, you're getting that grinding motion against your partner's abdomen. Your partner touching it, the toy touching it. There's gotta be some clit stimulation. Okay, now let's talk about some related positions. So one of the interesting things about positions is I never know, like, how much of a difference does you need to make a new position? Right? Like, is it a. Is cowgirl where you're sitting up with your hands on your thighs? Is that a different position from cowgirl where you're bending over with your hands on your partner's shoulder? I don't really know I know we.

Gotta ask the International Sex Position Committee what constitutes enough degrees of change to qualify as a new position.

Yeah, but I would say.

Just kidding, there is. There is no such committee. Unless I am the committee. Unless it's the two of us, I am the committee.

Okay. But I would say these positions are different enough to warrant calling them different positions. Okay. We're just going to go over them quickly. But one is Captain Morgan Calgaron, where you put one foot flat and then one knee. We've also got upright cowgirl, which is. This could work like on a chair on a sofa, but your partner's fully seated up. Like, they're at that 90 degrees and you're on top of them. And then the other is reverse cowgirl, where you are turned around 180 degrees and you're facing your partner's feet instead of facing their head. Okay. And let's wrap things up with getting out of position. This is another little detail that I think nobody ever teaches you. It doesn't get covered anywhere. And in some positions, it's actually a little bit complex.

Yeah. Or like, you might bend the penis in a way that's not going to feel good if you're not being cognizant of what direction to go.

Fortunately, cowgirl's a pretty easy one to get out of.

Yes. Kind of the same way you got in.

Yeah. One leg swings over the body. Just be careful not to hit the penis on the way out.

Well, I would. I would recommend pulling. Getting off of the penis first before swinging a leg. Like, get.

Get the penis out.

Rise up. Rise up. Rise up above that penis.

And then swing off. And don't hit the.

Swing up. Don't. Yeah, don't. Don't kick your partner in the face.

Yeah. Okay. Well, we hope that this was a really helpful breakdown of all the ins and outs of cowgirl. We hope it helps you feel more confident, more excited to explore this new position. Because here's the thing. Most of us are not trying a lot of positions. We recently pulled our Instagram community. 74% of you told us that you stick to the same positions pretty much every single time. And 71% of couples say they only rotate between two to three positions. And a lot of people wrote in, and they're like, it's like one position, really. It's like, just missionary. That's not very many positions. And on top of that, 54% of you say that you feel shy about trying a new position.

Hopefully, you feel a little less shy after listening to us talk this through in this level of detail, I think it hopefully feels way less intimidating once you've kind of heard all the literal ins and outs of how it works and all the options.

So if you liked the way that we broke down cowgirl for you, then we want to tell you about a really exciting, exciting guide that we have. Our ultimate sex guide. This goes over 42 different positions, and these are all realistic, tried, and tested. We literally tested every single one because we didn't want to do what Xander was talking about earlier, like some ridiculous, acrobatic crazy, or like, maybe it looks good in the photo, but it didn't figure it out. They weren't good. Yeah. We wanted to make sure that these were genuinely, like, doable for the vast majority of people and enjoyable. So the heart of the guide is these 42 positions. They're beautifully illustrated. We've given you all the same sorts of tips that we went over today, like how to get into out of move, play, make adjustments to. But there's also an incredible part of this guide where we talk about how to make intercourse more pleasurable for both partners. One of the most heartbreaking polls I think we've ever done was we polled women about intercourse and found that 91% of women say that intercourse is not their favorite activity. And the main reason for that is because we're not getting clitoral stimulation. Like, the way that we're having intercourse fully prioritizes male pleasure and does nothing for female pleasure. So we thought, okay, we don't want to just do, like, a sex positions guide. We also want to do a really, really comprehensive guide to making intercourse pleasurable and enjoyable for both partners. So we go over the reality of how female bodies work, what we need to feel pleasure, how to work out the orgasmic timing, all these ins and outs, all these incredible details. And I think what's really helpful is when it's in a guide format, it's not shaming. Like, it's not. It does all the work. It takes all the mental load off of you. You don't have to go to your partner and be like, okay, hey, we need to talk. Listen. I was listening to this podcast episode, and I learned all this stuff about female pleasure. So I need you to do this differently. And I don't like that. That's a lot of work, and that's intimidating, right? But when you get a guide and you're like, oh, I found this, like, sex positions guy, Just fun new positions for us to explore, and then you're like, oh, but the beginning of it. Like, it's all this information. It's like we are sharing that information.

Yeah. We're telling you what to do.

We're doing the teaching. We are doing the coaching. You don't have to do any of the work. You didn't even have to tell your partner that you want them to change your approach. Like, you can just say, like, oh, I just bought it for the positions. But, like, now that we're here, or, like, look at all this info.

Or like, oh, wow, I never thought of this. Maybe we should, like, let's give that a try. I've never. I've never tried that before. I didn't. I didn't know that was even an option. Like, let's give it a shot.

Yeah. We purposefully design our guides this way to, like, give you the information that you need, but in a way that feels fun, sexy, exciting, and not at all shaming. It's not like you're doing this wrong. You need to fix this. Here's what to do.

Remedial sex positions for dummies.

Yeah, it's not like that at all. It's honestly so much fun. We had a blast creating it like we did.

This is probably the most fun we.

Have, testing all of them, figuring out, okay, what if we try this? What if we try this? I mean, it's truly like, next level technique. There's something for everybody. Whether you feel like you're super happy with what intercourse is like, or you're like, I'm one of that 90, 91%. I don't. I'm. I don't really get what the fuss is all about. Like, you will discover something and have fun with your partner while doing it. Oh, and one other thing I want to say about it is that just recently we recorded audio versions of it as well. So if you're. Obviously, you like, listening to things, you're here listening to pillow talk, so you get to hear our voices describing all this stuff, walking you through it. So it just. It's easy, it's convenient, it feels fun. Maybe you and your partner each pop in an airpod as you're doing some chores, or you listen to it during a road trip or while you're out running errands. Like, it's just a super convenient way to get this incredible information and get really excited about exploring it together.

That's right. Yeah. I mean, hey, you might even start listening and be like, hey, we gotta go try this right now. All right, so head on over to VM therapy.com ultimate sex to grab your copy right now. And if you order before February 16th, you're also going to get our 30 days of connection bonus guide completely free. So go to vm therapy.com ultimate sex today.

All right, that's all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening and see you next week.

Sa.