EPISODE 196: 90 Prompts to Transform Your Sex Life (We Answer Some Live!)

So many of us think of sex and we think of just the physical act, but it's so much more than that. Like the connection that we have with each other or the disconnection that we're feeling with each other.

I'm putting that in quotes. The desire problem very often solves itself when you actually devote time and attention to the other elements.

Let's go into our connection card.

When was the last time you felt in awe of me?

I really like this question.

Let's stroke each other's egos.

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. We are super excited about today's episode because we get to unveil something that we have been working on for a very long time behind the scenes.

Years and years and years.

Many years. I'm just gonna come right out and show it. It is our Sex Talks card deck. Woo. Okay, so I think you have to give the backstory on, like, what the hell is this?

Well, the backstory is. It is the card deck that corresponds with this lovely book. Our New York Times bestselling. I was about to say bestselling novel.

Oh, I mean our New York Times.

Bestselling novel, but bestselling book, Sex Talks. The five Conversations that Will Transform youm Love Life. This came out in Keep me honest here. 2023.

Yes, there you go.

2023. The beginning of 2023. We had the New York Times bestseller list in our first week out, which was super exciting. And that was mostly thanks to all of you guys who listened to the podcast. All of our. Everyone in our audience who bought the book. It was such an incredible run.

Yeah. We could not have done that on our own at all.

We could not have done that on our own at all. And yeah, I think this is just. It's a really awesome book. It's really story driven story and kind of like client driven. Like driven by lots of things that Vanessa has experienced in her private practice and also lots of things that Vanessa and I have experienced in our relationship. And so we kind of walk you through the five conversations or five Types of conversations that are really required to have an excellent sex life. And this is what we've discovered in mucking our way through things. I think we've kind of made all the mistakes that you can make, and we've done a lot of work on our own. We've done work with other people, and we figured out an approach that we think we should have gotten from the very beginning.

Yeah, the book is literally filled with mistakes that we made and bad conversations that we had and advice where we're like, do the exact opposite of what we did here. So, yeah, the book was such a success. We got such great feedback from people, heard some incredible stories, and we thought, you know, we gotta keep the fun rolling.

We gotta keep the conversation conversations flowing. And what better way to do that than with a card deck?

So this bad boy has 90 prompts to deepen connection and spark intimacy. So today, what we thought we would do is walk you through the card deck, go through some of the prompts. So we're going to show you some of the questions, which means this could be a great conversation opener with your partner. Like, you can pause the episode, ask them that question, have a conversation between the two of you, then come back and hear our answers. So designed to, like, kind of sneakily get you to interact with the card deck right away. And we even have some responses that we're going to share from our Instagram audience too. Like, we asked the question to our Instagram community, so we're going to share some of their answers too.

But first we got to get into this week's review of the week, and we do this review of the week giveaway. Because reviews are such an important way for our podcast to grow, to show other people that we are a cool podcast, we are legit. Because who, you know, who's gonna listen to a podcast when they're like, oh, it has two one star reviews. Like, that's not. That's not a good message. Right? So we love it when people leave reviews and we wanna reward you for leaving review. So here's how you leave a review. You go to the Apple Podcasts pillow talk page, scroll all the way down to the bottom, and you smash the five star button and you write a couple sentences. It doesn't have to be long, it doesn't have to be over the top. Just say what you love about this podcast and how it might help somebody else or how it's helped you.

And.

And if you hear your review read aloud on the podcast, like I'm about to do, Right now, then all you gotta do is reach out to us, DM us on Instagram, or email us at infom. Therapy. Com, and we'll hook you up with a free masterclass. All right, so this week's review of the week. We are currently navigating a long distance relationship while I am deployed. Your show has been a godsend, and I really appreciate your open, candid conversations about your own relationship that we can use to improve ours. Thank you for what you do and keep it up.

All right, thank you so much for that lovely review. We love hearing from you guys. Okay, so let's go back to the Sex Talks journey. One of the reasons that we decided to make the card deck is because we got such great feedback from you guys about the book and about the ways that it transformed your lives. And so I thought it'd be fun to just get us started by reading a couple of these stories. Do you want to read this first one?

Yeah, sure. Okay. I have to say that your book, Sex Talks has literally transformed our marriage. We're both absolutely blown away by how much better our communication and sex life has gotten just from reading this book together.

Woo.

That. That was really our number one goal. I'm so glad to see that that is coming through for other people. It may have taken a year to work up the courage to ask him to read it with me.

Hey.

So people don't make that mistake. Pick up the book and start reading it today. All right, so it may have taken a year, but I'm so unbelievably grateful for how approachable and normalized you've made these topics. We've had so many good conversations, including a few tough ones, and we both feel seen and understood in ways that we've never had the words to express. Heart, heart, heart. Thank you.

This one cracked me up. Someone wrote, listen this way. This book was reading me the bit about. And I'm gonna blur this out so nobody knows. You have to read it. The bit about da da da da. I hollered. Vanessa and Xander get so vulnerable, it's almost shocking. But by the end, you feel like you have made a new friend who gives you the best relationship advice you've ever heard. She lays out the psychology so deftly, you never feel spoken down to. And he adds the male perspective with such charm that it leaves you feeling all warm and fuzzy towards your own partner and their pov. There were moments I laughed out loud. Chapter nine. Moments where I cried because I've never felt so seen before. Chapter three. I knew it would be a good book, but trust me, you are not ready for how great this book is.

Aww.

I love this one. So, yeah, we were like, okay, how do we take these people even deeper? How do we continue the journey? Obviously you can reread the book, but that's not as fun.

Yeah, I think a lot of people were like, it was so awesome reading the book together and going through all of this. We didn't want it to stop when the book ended, so we had to do something else.

So our publisher had the idea of doing this card deck. Most people probably have seen card decks. They're becoming a lot more popular these days and usually in conjunction with a book. And we were totally on board with the idea. We thought it sounded so fun and just a way to make it even more playful. Like with the book, our goal was we don't want to make talking about sex feel boring or hard. Like, we want couples to understand. Yes, it may feel a little awkward. Yes, you may feel nervous or embarrassed. Yes, it may take you a year to work up the courage to read it, but like, you can do this. That, you know, we just really wanted that playfulness element to come across.

And so, yeah, I mean, not only you can do this, but when you do this, things get better in your sex life, in your relationship, in your life overall.

So a card deck just felt like the perfect vehicle for that. I'm so excited to introduce you to our next podcast sponsor. Because they came into my life at.

The exact right time you direly needed them.

I really did. I have been struggling with sleep. I've been having a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep, like waking up early, waking up in the middle of the night, like, it's just been really frustrating and it's been going on for a couple of weeks. And then down from the heavens came Beam's Dream Powder, a science backed healthy hot cocoa for sleep. I will be totally honest. When we first got the product, I was like, okay, like, I've seen a bunch of other, like, wellness blends and sure, they're calling it like healthy hot cocoa, but, like, it's probably not gonna taste very good. Like, I was very skeptical of this. But we blended up our little servings. It comes with a really cool frother, which I just have to say, like, the frother is very fun to use. So you just like put a little powder in, you put some warm water zing with the frother to get it all stirred up.

It's really fun.

It was.

I'm I like. Yeah, I'm like looking forward to frothing it.

It was so good though. Like I would drink that and I'm not even a hot chocolate person.

I don't. You're not a hot chocolate person?

No, I don't like hot chocolate. But this was so good that I was like, I would drink this all the time, even if it didn't have the benefits for it either. But it also has these incredible benefits to help ease your body into rest. Support all four stages of the sleep cycle, help you fall asleep faster and stay asleep longer. So. So our flavor is the original flavor, cinnamon cocoa. But they also have other flavors like sea salt, caramel, brownie batter and vanilla chai. Now, other sleep aids can cause next day grogginess. I'm not gonna name names, but I have definitely tried some things that just made me feel so crappy the morning after that. It's like it's not even worth it cause you don't feel good. But Dream contains a powerful all natural blend of reishi, magnesium, L theanine, apigenin and melatonin to help you fall asleep, stay asleep and wake up refreshed. If you want to try Beam's best selling dream powder, you can get up to 40% off for a limited time when you go to shopbeam.com pillow and use code PILLOW at checkout. That's Shop B E A M.com Pillow and use code PILLOW for up to 40% off. So I'm going to walk you through the deck right now. We are recording video of this episode. So if you're watching us on YouTube, you can actually see it. But if you're not, it's a box. So we have 90 cards in this bad boy and they are divided into the same five categories of conversations from the book Sex Talks. So the first category that we have right here, and they've got these little fun icons which we also used in the books themselves. So our first category is our acknowledgement category. So this conversation is all about literally just getting comfortable with the topic of sex. We talk about how one of the big mistakes that couples make is waiting until things are really bad or there's a complaint or a criticism until they start talking about sex. And at that point it's like, of course it's going to feel intimidating and scary and probably going to lead to a fight if you're just jumping right into there. So the whole point of this conversation and all of the questions in this part of the deck is to just get you comfortable talking about Sex in a more general way.

Yeah, neutral to positive way.

Okay, next up, we have the connection cards. So this is the second conversation we think people should have. And this is all about how emotional intimacy relates to physical intimacy. So many of us think of sex and we think of just the physical act, but it's so much more than that. Like, the connection that we have with each other or the disconnection that we're feeling with each other is really greatly going to impact your desire to be intimate with your partner in the first place. Or, like, the way that you show up during sex. Are you actually connected and present with them, or are you just kind of checked out or thinking about your to do list? So the questions in this part of the deck are all designed to help you feel closer with each other intimately.

I think this is such an important one because in many male, female relationships, there are some disconnects or misunderstandings, you know, between each. Per. Each person of, like, what emotional connection is, what makes you feel emotional connected. I know that, you know, men, very often, at least in this country and much of the west, men are socialized to not to not feel comfortable expressing a lot of emotion. And so as a result, we can. It can feel a bit tricky for us in a relationship to express those emotions and be connected emotionally to our partner. And so these cards are a great way to start to figure out with your partner, oh, okay, this is. You know, when she says she wants to feel more connected, these are the actual ways that she's talking about rather than this general thing. It's kind of like right now, as we're recording this, we're coming up on Valentine's Day. And so that makes me think of the word romance. And that's like a really big, broad word. I think a lot of men hear, like, oh, I want you to be more romantic. And they're like, I don't even know what that means. That that just sounds like not me. And I think a lot of men feel the same way when they hear, oh, like, can't we have more emotional connection? Or can't we be more connected? Or can't you be more emotional? And it's just like, I don't know what that means. And so these cards literally are like, okay, what? You know, do you like this? Do you like that? How do you feel close to me in all of these different specific ways rather than like, okay, now be more emotional.

Yeah. Okay, next up, we've got the desire cards.

The beautiful match in flame.

Oh, yeah, I didn't say what the little icons were for each one.

Yeah, you gotta describe it in gory detail. For the people listening in their AirPods.

The acknowledgment cards are two faces overlapped, like you're cool.

It's a very cool icon graphic.

And then the connection cards are two hands touching each other. So they're making like a little heart with their fingers.

Very sweet.

The desire cards have a match that is a flame.

It's a very striking contrast on a black background. It looks so good.

So the desire conversations are all about understanding. What do we each need to feel excited and to be turned on and to want to have sex with each other. And I'll give you a little spoiler alert, actually, like, we picked desire as the name of Conversation 3, but I actually don't think desire is the most important part.

Oh, interesting.

This is actually more about how do we get sex initiated? And desire can be a part of it, but it doesn't have to be. You'll have to check out the deck and the book to learn more about that.

Yeah, desire is an interesting thing. I think that when you solve. So many of us want to solve for desire as like the number one thing. Like, oh, if we could just solve the desire problem, everything would be better. And I really think that the desire problem I'm putting out in quotes. The desire problem very often solves itself when you actually devote time and attention to the other elements, like emotional connection, like pleasure, like exploration, and like, just acknowledgement, talking about sex in general.

Okay, speaking of pleasure, that is our next category of cards. Our bright red ones with the firework exploding in the middle of them. So these cards are all about what makes sex worth having and it relates to desire. Like Xena was just saying a second ago, like, we have to have sex that's pleasurable and satisfying if we're even going to crave it in the first place. So these are great ways of opening up conversations with your partner about what you really like and enjoy during sex. And I think this is something that so many people struggle to talk to their partner about. Number one, a lot of us feel like we don't really know. Like, if you. If you just ask your partner, like, what do you want? I hate that question because it's going to put your partner on the spot and you're like, like, I don't even know where to start. What are the options? It's very difficult to describe, like, what do you want? So having some options in front of you can help open up the conversation and really with all of the cards in this deck, there's a funny sort of way that you can kind of like, blame it on the deck. So it's one thing to have to go to your partner and say, like, okay, I need you to do this to make sex better for me. It's a totally different thing of like, oh, we're just playing a game. And one of the questions, I'm like, oh, I would love if you did XYZ more often. Like, you're just answering a question. You're playing a game. You're not, you know, bringing it to your partner. So it feels a lot less intimidating.

Yeah, I think a lot of people are super intimidated to talk about pleasure, especially if there are certain things lacking in terms of pleasure in their sex life, because they're so worried that that conversation, in having it, what their partner is going to hear is, you're not giving me enough pleasure. Like, coming at it from the negative of, oh, like, I'm. I'm not. I'm not enjoying myself. This is a problem that has to be fixed rather than approaching it from the positive, which is how we, you know, if you go through the card deck, like, how the conversation will be brought out where it's not like, what is wrong with pleasure? It's like, okay, let's talk about all these different aspects of what. What would make things be most pleasurable? How do I bring you the most pleasure? Rather than, like, how is what I am doing currently screwing up sex for us? And I think that so many people think that that's how the conversation is going to be received. And oftentimes it is, if you don't know how to go into that conversation. And that's why these. All these prompts are so helpful.

And then we wrap it up with our bright yellow exploration cards with a little compass on the front. So these cards help you answer the question, what do we want to try next? So exploration is one of the best ways to keep the spark alive in your relationship when you continue trying new things with each other and exploring. But I think a lot of people take that word exploring to an extreme, and they start thinking, oh, we have to do stuff that's wildly outside of our comfort zone or super kinky or all this kind of stuff. And you really don't. It doesn't need to be.

Unless you want to.

Yeah, if you want to, absolutely.

But work yourself. Work your way up to it. Not like, don't just jump straight into the deep end not knowing how to swim.

Yeah, there are plenty of Ways to explore without even, like, pushing your comfort zone all that much. So it's a fun little way to wrap it up. It's kind of like looking forward to the future of, like, hey, what do we want to try? What do we want to explore? What do we want to experience with each other in the future? So let's talk about some ways that you can play around with these questions. And even if you just want to take the five questions that we're going to share today and, like, play around, around just with those, you can do these tips with those questions, too. So if you have the deck, one thing that you could do is commit to answering one card per day until the deck runs out. So that'll take you about three months. And that could just be a super simple little daily ritual that you guys have. Like, oh, you pull the card out in the morning, you read it to.

Each other, you think about it, you come back and talk about it.

That's a great way. So you could just do it in the moment if you want. Like, hey, let's take two minutes. We're starting our day on this feeling of connection and playing with each other and. And, you know, just going through this deck. Sometimes people need some time to think of their answers, and that's totally okay. So if you're somebody who's like, oh, I don't want to be put on the spot, or your partner's like, I like, I don't know. I'm not good at coming up with the answers right away. Like, read the question in the morning and then come back in the evening to share your answers. That way you're, like, giving each other some time.

That's a great excuse to give yourself to think about your sex life all.

Day, all day long. You could also create a little ritual out of it. Like, maybe you decide, okay, we're both going to grab our morning coffee and go out on the porch, answer the questions. Maybe it's like, as soon as the kids are in bed, we're gonna pour a glass of wine and answer one. Or we're gonna take the dog on a walk and, like, you know, read the question before we leave. But just making it, like, a little ritual, something that you're doing with each other every day, could be really sweet. And another fun thing you could do is try to guess each other's answers.

Ooh.

So instead of, like, you're answering the question yourself, like, you're like, okay, here's what I think you would answer. That could be super fun and playful and Again, just make it feel like really lighthearted, not some big serious thing. Okay, let's be honest. When was the last time you needed to go to the doctor but you pushed it off? Maybe you made the excuse like, I'm too busy heal on its own. I just don't know what doctor to go to. Like I want to be real. I think we've all been there. Going to the doctor can feel overwhelming and scary and sometimes it can just feel like I don't even have the time or the energy to actually figure out like where to go. But thanks to zocdoc, there is no reason to delay. They make it so easy to find and book a doctor who is right for you. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. So we're talking about booking in network appointments with more than 100,000 doctors across the every specialty. Mental health, dental health, primary care, urgent care, and more. And they have incredible filters that help you find doctors who take your insurance, are located nearby, are a good fit, highly rated by actual verified patients. Once you pick a doctor, you can find their actual appointment openings. Choose a time slot and click to instantly book a visit. And appointments often happen fast, typically within just 24 to 72 hours of booking. And you can even score six same day appointments. We've both been super fortunate that we haven't needed to see a doctor recently. But the next time we do, we're not going to make excuses. We are going to use ZocDoc to find the right person for us. So stop putting off those doctor's appointments. You deserve to take care of yourself and go to zocdoc.compillow to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's z o c-o c.com pillow zocdoc.com pillow why don't we answer a few of these?

Yeah, let's pick a card, babe.

Okay, so we're gonna start. We'll do them in order. We'll start with an acknowledgment card. This one is what stands out to you about the first time we were intimate with each other.

Okay, what are we qualifying as? The first time we were intimate. The first time you could. Great, I like that because I have one.

Okay.

I have one. Do you want me to go?

Yeah, go.

Okay. I have one. Okay. So the very first time that we had intercourse on. See that? That's why I asked what exactly qualifies because we did. We did make out for many hours. So I mean, the first time we met each other, so arguably that could be considered as getting very intimate.

It was intimate.

It was very intimate. But no, the very first time we had intercourse, we hadn't planned in advance to have intercourse. I think we had hooked up before and I think that we were both sort of like. We both, I think, had it in our heads that we wanted to wait some amount of time, but we hadn't talked about how long. And I just remember, like, in the moment, like, we both were, like, we both wanted it so bad.

We did.

We both wanted it so bad. And I think we. It was. We were both kind of like, like, oh, shake. Should we. Should we wait? Should we not? It was like we were both like, we have to do it. And that was really fun. That, just like that. That joint desire that we had.

Yeah, that was very fun. Okay, I want to say something a little bit different and I want to answer it this way. Like, for our audience, I will say that our first time was perfectly fine, but not a quit. It was not incredible.

No. And I think that's the desire beforehand. That part of it.

The desire beforehand was incredible.

Yeah. Notice how I didn't say anything about.

The actual experience was good. I had fun. I wanted to have it again, but it was not.

It opened the door for us to continue.

Yes. But it was not a jaw dropping, earth shattering moment. Like, it was totally fine.

Yeah, I don't think. I mean, I don't know. I'm not gonna have this experience again, but I'm not sure that I could provide a. Or be a part of a jaw dropping experience.

An interesting little word slip right there.

I know. Yeah, I know. It gets in deep, man. I'm socialized. I think I'm the one providing sex. I'm g. Giving it.

I'm there too, having it.

I'm not sure that I am capable of having a like, jaw dropping first time experience. It's just a nerve wracking thing in general.

Yeah. I mean, it. It was. I want to say it that way because I think so many people feel like you're supposed to have an incredible first experience with your partner and that like something's wrong with you or the chemistry is not good if you don't like. The sex that we have has gotten so, so much better and it continues.

To get better even after all these years.

Yeah. But like, if we were to go back and have that first time, it would be so funny to go back and have that first time sex.

I think it would be pretty unsatisfying for both of us, probably.

For sure. But yeah, I just want to normalize that. That like, of course you want it, you know, you want to feel a connection with your partner. But I think even if it had been bad, I still would have given it a second shot. Like, obviously there's a certain line, you know, of some, there could have been things that happened where I'm like, I don't want to have sex with anyone.

Yeah. They felt like, unsafe or dangerous or.

But like, I think even if it had been bad, I would have still.

Wanted to worse than it was.

I still would have wanted to be like, you know what? Let's give this one another try. Let's see.

Yeah, it got a lot better.

A lot better. Okay, let's go into our connection card. Do you want to read this one?

All right. When was the last time you felt in awe of me?

I really like this question.

Let's stroke each other's egos.

I just think the word awe is really sweet too, because we have other questions about feeling grateful or feeling connected. But the idea of feeling in awe of your partner, I think is really cool. So that's a great question. And I have a very recent answer, actually.

Okay, I do too. Let's see who's is more recent.

Mine was from two days ago.

Oh, you win.

Okay, so two days ago was Super Bowl Sunday. And we had my family over. My mom and dad came over, my sister and brother in law came over. And this is going to sound really silly, but you were making everybody pizza, like reheating pizza that we had bought.

I was. To be clear, I wasn't making it.

We had bought pizza. It was. We had got picked it up and it was like, you know, it needed warming up. And so Xander was warming up pizza for everybody to order, to order. And it was just like the way that you came into the room and you were asking each family member, like, what pizza do you want? How many slices do you want? And you, like, took everybody's order, you went away, you heated everything up for everybody, and you came back and there was just this way that you were giving everybody their food, like, with just so much love and sweetness. And I was in awe of you thinking, like, what an amazing quality to have in a partner that not only do you treat me so well with so much, like, love and care and respect, but, like, also with my family. And I know it's because you see my family as your family too, like, they absolutely are, but just the Again, it's such a silly little thing. It was just reading pizza, but it was so sweet to watch. And it actually just wasn't just pizza. You were making people drinks. You were bringing in napkins. Just this way that you took care of napkins. That's a big one. You just really took care of all of us in a very, very sweet and kind way. And that made me feel in awe of you.

Oh, thank you. That's really sweet.

You want to know one of my worst pet peeves?

Let's go.

The wet spot.

Mm. Is this why when we're gonna have sex, you usually just appear on my side of the bed and invite me over?

Maybe.

Interesting.

So look, let's be real. We like to go there. And pillow talks. Let's go there. Like, sometimes when you have sex, you leave a wet spot behind and sometimes.

It gets messy, and that's great.

And you just don't want to sleep in it. You don't want to roll around in it. Which is why we are so excited to tell you about our newest podcast sponsor, Splash blanket. The world's most luxurious waterproof blanket. This is the perfect solution if you want to feel free, feel unencumbered and not anxious or worried about the wet spot afterward.

I mean, hell, feel luxurious.

Yes, you can use your skin splash blanket to have fun, but keep your bed nice and dry. Splash blankets come in a range of colors, shapes and sizes. They are proudly female founded and they're leading the way in creating and designing durable and sustainable waterproof blankets. This is wild. Their blanket is made to withstand over a liter of liquid.

Wow.

That's a lot of liquid.

That's. That's a lot of liquid. I think that most people will not be pushing those limits, but you, you can certainly said that it's really important to feel free. Right. So you are free to do whatever you want with a liter of liquid.

So they are not only absorbent, they are completely waterproof. So not a drop of liquid will soak through to the other side. I think I mentioned before that they come in a variety of colors. So you can get one that matches your bedding and just keep it on your bed. Like it could just look like a decorative throw that you have on your bed. It's not something that you have to put away or hide from anybody. So we think that this is such a fun product. It just serves such a specific, direly needed need.

A very realistic purpose.

Yeah. They're also available in five sizes and three main styles. So whether you want something super absorbent or maybe more of like a silky smooth faux fur throw. Or even just their lightweight, sustainable bamboo sheet. They have the most extensive range available. Splash blanket your peace of mind in the bedroom. Use code pillow talk for 15% off on splashblanket.com that's code pillow talk for 15% off@splashblanket.com.

Well, two, Two things. Okay. If the 49ers were playing, you would.

Not have done that.

I'm not sure. Well, or maybe I would have done it even more because I would be like, I just, like, I can't. Like, let me just like, poke my head in every now and then. Like, I need something to distract myself with. Okay. But no, not. Not to deflect too much. The second thing. So. You know, the funny thing about that is that I was not intending to. I was not intending to, like, do the pizza for everyone. I was. What actually happened was when I came in there to basically be like, all right, guys, like, I was about to describe, like, hey, the oven's on, it's warm. There's like two trays with parchment out. Like, whenever you want pizza, just like, grab your pizza, stick it on the parchment, toss it in the oven for a couple minutes and, you know, it'll be ready to go. And I was. I started to say that I got the. The, you know, okay, guys, like, you know, pizza. We can have pizza whenever. And I realized, like, I just kind of looked and like, the way that. The way that our living room is arranged, like the. With like the coffee table, we have a. We kind of have like a U shaped sectional couch and with like a coffee table in the middle. And when the couch is full, it's kind of hard for the person, like, in the middle of the couch to get out. And I just kind of looked and was like, yeah, you know, like, I've been sitting on the end. Like, it's kind of like, I don't, you know, it's hard for people to get in and out. Like, you know what? I'll just make it. I'll just handle it for everyone. And then I was like, yeah, it's kind of. Then it was just kind of funny because I was like, I was. I was the guy.

The pizza guy on the job.

I was doing everything. But it feels good to do that. So. Thank you.

You're welcome. Thank you.

Okay, my turn. It was, I think just three weeks ago today, and it was when we went out to Boston for Vanessa to be a guest on the Mel Robbins podcast. And I got to. So we Both went into their office where they have their recording studio, and so I got to kind of be involved. We were doing some fun stuff to prep for the podcast, and I really can't wait. That hopefully will be out soon so you can hear it. We did some really fun stuff to make that episode really even more interesting and engaging. But after we got everything prepped, I got to kind of go out of the studio and I got to watch the recording just live on Zoom. I'm always in awe of you when you are, you know, you're just at your best in those type of situations and fully in your, I don't know, your power and your knowledge and your zeal for what you do, and I love it. I'm so proud of you, and I'm so proud that I get to be a part of this with you.

Aw, thank you. And I don't think we've told Pillow Talks that that was the podcast yet.

No.

So it might be a little spoiler. I don't know if it's going to be out by the time this comes out.

Maybe it is. Maybe it will, maybe won't.

Okay, let's move on to question number three. We've got a desire question, and this is one of my favorite. You really need to ask your partner this question. If I want to have sex with you tonight, what should I do during the day to get you in the mood?

Why don't. I was gonna say, why don't you go first?

You want me to go first?

Yeah, why don't you go first?

Okay. I will say I like when you, like, flirt with me and, like, talk about how you want to have sex with me later. Like, just the talking about it out loud. Like, oh, I want to. You know, I want to have. I was not. I'm not going to say things that you say.

I feel like you are about to start disclosing a little more than we usually do in this podcast. Wow. You're about to just air. Air a dir. Dirty laundry. Dirty or not dirty. Dirty or.

I'd like you to talk about it and what you want to do with me. To me. Any aspect of it. But if we. You and I are kind of, like, flirting with each other back and forth all day long and, like, creating that anticipation that feels really fun and exciting for me. Okay. What about you?

Funny. Funny that you should say that because the. The doing of that for me tends to be a bit problematic because once I start talking about it with you.

Then you want to do it.

I start wanting to do It. Because, yeah, for me, I mean, I don't know. I don't even know if I would call myself responsive necessarily. I feel like I'm really somewhere in between the responsive, spontaneous, or I kind of, like, go back and forth. But I am very responsive to talking about. Talking about sex, especially once. To be clear, once we move on from, like, just talking about sex the way we do in our podcast, I'm not, like, wildly turned on when we're recording pillow talks. But no, once we start talking, talking about our sex life and the, like, actual things that we might do with each other or do to each other or whatever, then, you know, I'm like, very quickly, like, ooh, yeah, this sounds really good. And for me, I found, like, I don't.

The.

The anticipation is not really, like, that doesn't really do it for me that much because I'm. It's like, it's already being done for me in that moment, like, that we're talking about it. So I was actually going to say there's not really a lot that you can do throughout the day. There's a lot of things that you could do at any point in the day to very much get me ready.

That's interesting to hear you say. I love the anticipation of it.

I love the. I guess I kind of.

You love the Instant Satisfaction?

Yeah. Or I love the, like. I love the, like, I love the. I don't know, I love that feeling of going from, like. Like, I'm not really thinking about it or I'm not thinking about it in a serious way of, like, I need to have sex in the next five minutes. Like, you know, going from like, okay, like, it's just a theoretical idea to, ooh, we're starting to do this. Ooh, now. Yeah, now we're like, we're feeling turned on. Like, yeah, we're gonna do this. Like that.

I mean, I.

Is that. Yeah, we're gonna do this thing that feels really exciting to me.

I like that, too. And I like, you know, sometimes making the switch quickly can feel super fun, but I do also like that feeling of, like, anticipation and you're thinking about me all day. And I like a little bit of the. Like, oh, well, we can't right now because we have to go into this meeting, like, now. We have to do it later, like, that kind of thing. I think it can be super fun. Okay. So we also decided to ask our Instagram community what their answers were for this one. And there were some really interesting ones. Quality time with me. Phone free. Deep Conversation, making me feel seen.

A little tease. This is, you know, kind of like what you were saying. A little tease. Random text or comment. More physical touch. A more intense kiss.

Doing a household chore that he knows I hate. A little chore play action.

Oh yeah. Show me that he notices me extra that day. Like a flirty look, an extra hug, more eye contact.

Hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.

Non sexual touch during the day. That's a good one.

You. I think you like that.

Yes, I do. For sure I do. But yeah, I mean, yeah, it also is. It's not like you'll get to do that in the morning. That throughout the day I'm like, I'm like, oh yeah, now I really want to have sex with her. It's more in that moment I'm like. It gives me a zing.

Okay, Say something sweet or pull me in for a few extra kisses.

Send me a spicy text or two.

Be super clear with how they are desiring me in the moment.

Ease my mental load, Take a shower.

After work and put on my favorite cologne.

Tell me he's been thinking about me all day.

So I've been on a mission this year to get more protein in my diet.

Me too.

Protein's important for everybody, but I think especially for women and especially women who are starting to approach the perimenopause age, like I am like really upping our protein is super important. So I've been trying a million different protein powders and I gotta say, there are not very good ones out there. It's like you wanna get the protein, but it just the taste is so bad. So that's why we're really excited to share our podcast sponsor, Orgain with you. Orgain believes that real nutrition has the power to make a real difference in people's lives. And they are famous for their organic plant protein powder. It packs 21 grams of complete protein with all nine essential amino acids. I actually have been super familiar with Orgain for a really long time because I used to be vegan and I struggled so much when I was vegan with getting enough protein at all. And again, I went through my whole protein journey then too of trying a million different kinds. And Orgain was the brand that I ended up settling on. So I'm super excited to be able to share them with you. They avoid soy ingredients, artificial sweeteners, flavors or preservatives. And their products are handcrafted with high quality ingredients that make it taste delicious. We have tried their chocolate and vanilla flavors. I think the chocolate One is your favorite, right?

Yeah.

And it's super easy, super simple. Literally just blend it in water and you're getting all the nutrients you need.

Yeah, I love making a little chocolate. And I'll put a like a teaspoon of matcha powder in as well. Have a little protein caffeinated protein shake. It's delicious.

From protein bars to shakes and tons of other nutritional products, Orgain has something the whole family will love. Remember, there are no quick fixes when it comes to your health. If you want more protein, give orgain organic plant protein a try. Head to orgain.com pillow and use code PILLOW for 30% off your order. And that's o r G a I n. That's the best offer you're going to find. But you have to use our code pillow for 30% off. One last time. For 30% off, head to orgain.com pillow and use our code pillow. Okay. Why don't you do our next card?

All right, so the pleasure card. What's something I do in bed that you would love for me to do more often?

Okay. I would love for you to spend more time kissing all over my body.

Mm, okay.

Yeah, sometimes we just do the lips. The lips or the obvious body parts, but I think it's fun to be kissed all over the body.

Okay.

I'd love for you to do that more often.

Taking mental notes.

Great. You can listen back to the podcast if you forget. What's your answer?

Okay, so it's not quite in bed. Maybe it's before bed. So my answer is kind of like I'm like merging the last question with this question in a kind of weird way. One thing that I would love for you to do more would be like randomly touching me in a sexual or a suggestive way.

You just want me to grab your junk during the day?

Well, I wouldn't call it.

That's not how I said junk.

Yeah, I mean, when you, when you say it that way. I don't really want that. I don't want it. Yeah, like not. Not the junk and not, not the junk and not and not like grab.

It's such a horrible word.

But like, like, like that kind of like for me, that's the kind of tease that I.

Wait, I just have to go on a little. On a little rant because I know we talk about, like, how, how people complain that there are no good words for female genitals. But like, junk is a real bad word.

Yeah, it's a real bad one. You're junk.

Okay. I'm sorry, no.

You just get that junk out of my face.

You do, like when I randomly touch you?

Yeah. Like. Yeah. Like a more immediate tease.

I feel like speaking in very broad brushstrokes. And maybe this is another opportunity to pause the episode and ask your partner, what do you think about this? But speaking in very rad brushstrokes jokes, I feel like in general, men like that super direct touch. Like, just put your hand on my penis in a random moment or a random way.

Yeah. Or it's. It's like. It's like almost like, ooh. Like, you're not supposed to. You shouldn't be doing this in this moment. It's sort of like a bad thing.

And I think women do not like that. Like, if you just. If we were just sitting, eating lunch or something, and you put your hand on my vulva, like, I'd be like, what? I. I wouldn't like that. That wouldn't feel exciting to me. A more. There are tons of other kinds of touch that you could do, you know, if you, like, touch the back of my neck or my shoulders or like, stroked my jawline or something like that, like a more teasing kind of touch, a more subtle kind of touch would feel super exciting to me. But if you just put your hand on your junk. On my junk. I hate that. If you just put your hand in my crotch, I'd do like, what are you doing? Like, stop.

Well, one thing I will say in your example, you were like, when we're eating lunch, I. If we were both eating. Eating is one time where I am going to say hard pass on the. The suggestive teasing.

I don't know. I think we might need to test that. I feel like you might be kind of excited.

I don't know. Like, if I'm like, right. If I've had like three bites of my meal and I'm hungry, like, I don't.

You can't. You can't wait.

I want to finish my meal.

I don't know.

I'm good to go right afterwards. You are always going to test. You're always like, oh, like, let's. Let's digest a bit. I'm like, I'm ready.

Yeah. I don't like to have sex, like, immediately after eating food. It doesn't feel great for me usually. Okay, but wait, what is it? Say it again. Like, it's that feeling of like, oh, I'm not supposed to be touching you. That gets you excited about just like, hand on penis.

Yeah. It's like the incongruity that, like, of the moment where you're like, oh, like, oh, we're just like, on the couch watching the TV show, and then all of a sudden, like, your hand slipping down my pants, and then it's like, like, you know, it's sort of. I don't know, it's exciting. It's the. Okay, oh, do I just, like, tap in? Do I, like, jump into action? You know, do we do it here in this room? You know, it's just like. It's fun. It's like, I don't know, sort of like that. That quickly changing the context where it's like, oh, I'm not thinking about sex. And then all of a sudden it's like, oh, I. I can't help but think about it.

And you would rather I go straight there than like, maybe start giving you a little massage or a.

Well, that could be nice, too.

But you'd rather.

I don't know, maybe you should test each one of these out and see which approach I prefer. I don't know if I've ever had you, like, just start giving me massage that turns into something else. The gender stereotype of flip.

I know. It's always the man doing the back massage with the ulterior motive. I mean, if you. Actually, that's a kind of a different question. If you could tell that I had an ulterior motive in touching you, would that annoy you? Like, if I started giving you a back massage and you're like, girl, I know you're trying to initiate. Like, just come out and initiate.

Um, yeah, I don't know. I. I guess maybe I would just rather the. Like the. The more direct, like, slipping the. The hand down the pants.

Interesting.

But let's try it out. Let's try it out.

Okay. We'll have to report back. All right, and here is our final question. We've got our exploration question. What is your favorite time of day to have sex? Another really great one that I feel like people don't often talk about. And it's very important and helpful to know your partner's preferred time of day.

Okay. I'm going to say afternoon.

Same.

Yeah, I. I've become a huge afternoon sex fan. I think. I didn't. I mean, we barely ever used to. I'm not a. Okay. Perks of working from first thing in the morning, like, upon waking up. That can be fun. But it's kind of like. It's kind of like a different experience because. Because usually, like, if it's first thing in the morning, like a morning Wood type of situation that can be super fun and hot. But I feel like it's very hard to, to like, it's hard to last for very long or to like, to like, I don't know, do the full repertoire. Because I feel like I'm. I'm more sensitive because I.

I want to know if other men are like that too or if that's just a you thing. So let us know about morning sex. Yeah. Do you find it if you're, if you're a penis owner, do you find it harder to last longer during morning sex? Because it's not really an issue for you, like, at other times of the day?

Yeah, no, it's so. So it's. Yeah, I have to really adjust my approach for first thing in the morning sex or. But it can also be really fun if it's just like, I'm just kind of like coming out of. Coming out of sleep and we're just like getting it done.

Yeah, that can be fun. Okay.

That can be fun because then you're like, oh, yeah, what a, What a day we have ahead of us.

I know. It does start the day.

I feel so accomplished. Like, hell yeah. We both just had orgasms.

I know.

We haven't even gotten out of bed.

It really does feel like you've accomplished something.

Yeah. Like, oh, emotional connection for the day. Check. Physical connection for the day, check. Being stoked on life, check.

But it's still not your favorite time, even with all that?

No, like that. That's super fun. But I'm saying what I feel like my experience is like, limited isn't the right word, but it's just like there are fewer options on the table. I feel like the way that we kind of do that is more like. It's more like, okay, like, we're getting this done.

Okay.

But yeah, I like, I like sort of afternoon. Yeah. Mid afternoon.

What do you like about mid afternoon sex?

Well, I like that I'm not, like, tired yet. Like, it's, you know, by the end of the day it can be like, oh, like this has been a long day. Or like, oh, like, where are we gonna fit this in time wise between the various things that, you know, we might have, like things that we're doing tonight or commitments or whatever. And. Yeah, no, the afternoon, it's just like. Yeah, it's more excitement and I mean, I guess often it's like, like, you know, we're, you know, maybe we're towards the end of our workday or maybe even in the middle of our workday. Since we work from home and yeah, I think it's just exciting. It, it feels like we're really prioritizing each other when we do that. I feel very wanted and prioritized and I like. And it's like, yeah, I like showing you, like, yeah, like this is my number one thing.

Yeah.

Right now.

No, that's a great point. My answer would be afternoon as well. And I, I think for exactly that reason it feels like we' prioritizing each other. We just talked recently about a rule that we have called our we come first rule where we really try to prioritize sex over all the millions of other things that are fighting for our attention on a daily basis and think afternoon sex. Obviously everybody's schedule is different. This totally can't work for a lot of people. But for us and our schedule and the way our lives work, afternoon is a really great time for us to prioritize each other and remind ourselves like this is important and that time together is really important. Our connection is really important. So I like it a lot too.

Yeah. And then that just got me thinking. I don't even know if we've ever had late morning sex before afternoon. But not like first thing in the morning. I'm not even sure. Not enough data at some point, not enough data to decide.

Yeah. In general, the way life looks like these days, we don't. And we don't have a lot of like, like we don't really have late night sexy. No, we're pretty early, early birds. So yeah. End of like end of night sex. It's so funny because most people have this association in their heads that the end of the night, it's the time that you have sex. But that is the hardest time to have sex. Like you're so tired, you're in bed, you're already starting to fall asleep. Like it's just a very difficult time to get excited.

Especially in a long term relationship where you're living together. I, I understand why that happens when you're first with someone because often it's like, oh, well, the time that we are seeing each other, we're going out on a date at night, that is the time that we have. And there's also that sort of, you know, feeling like, oh, aren't we of like, you know, you're not talking that openly about it. And so there's this element of like, okay, well like let's let everything play out and maybe our inhibitions lower a bit and we're starting to get, you know, more excited and whatnot and start to give each other signals that this is what we want. So then of course it happens. But yeah, in a, in a long term relationship, trying to carry that same schedule over, that's what most people do. And it's really a recipe for disaster. It's a recipe for having an unsatisfying sex life.

All right, well, I had a lot of fun answering these questions with you.

I know. I feel closer to you.

The deck served its purpose and our.

Audience knows a lot. Our podcast listeners know a lot more about us. Sure do some of the things that we want. So that's, that's something. That's something.

So, yeah, we're just super proud of this card deck. Like, we feel like it's really going to help make these conversations so much easier, so much more fun. And whether you've read the book or you're just learning about it for the first time, like, you don't have to read the book first to do the card deck. You can totally do the card deck.

First, but you should absolutely get the card deck and the book. I, I think on Amazon, I mean.

Oh, I'm sure there's a deal if.

You get on Amazon. There's absolutely a deal when you combine them together. But yeah, you can also get the card deck and the book at all kinds of other retailers and outlets, whether that's other mainstream places, some indie places.

Yeah. So we went over five questions, but there are 85 more. So we really want you to grab this deck and start having these great conversations.

Yeah, it's over@sextalksbook.com there are on that page at the top is all the info on the card deck and where to get it. And then lower down on the page is all the info about the book and where to get it as well.

Links to check everything out. All right, well, that is all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thanks so much for listening. I hope you have fun having at least these five little conversations with your partner.

But have all 90.

Yeah, have all 90.

This is just the beginning. These were just a couple questions that we picked. There's so many more in there. Like, we spent a long time just talking about a couple of these. So imagine how many more types of conversations like this you could have in your relationship going through all of them.

Yeah, I forgot to mention, the deck's like 20 bucks. It's really affordable. The book is also, like, pretty inexpensive as well. So.

Yeah, and it's beautiful. The cards are beautiful. You could even like the, yeah, the, like, graphics on. The cards are so nice. You could like frame them. They look real cool. No, don't frame our cards.

Frame them. No.

Just kidding, just kidding.

I mean, no knock on them.

You could display them.

We have a great artist who made us these icons. They are beautiful, but I don't know if anybody's gonna frame them in their home. You're like a real super fan.

If you're a super fan. If you need some art on the cheap, dual purpose art or like an.

Interactive questions that are on it, just.

Or like an interactive art exhibit at your house, which is basically just like a flat leg of our cars. Just like spread them out on a table.

We gotta stop.

That could be cool. That could be cool. I'm all about getting creative. Whatever is going to facilitate the conversation or conversation between other people who come to your house.

All right, well, grab the deck atsex talks book.com and then come on over to Instagram. We're at Vanessa and Xander. Let us know what you think of it. Thanks so much for listening and join us again next week when we aim answer listener questions.