Episode 2: Can You Actually Solve Problems In Your Relationship?

I think one of the issues that a lot of couples get into when they have conflict is it feels like one person's right and one person's wrong. We're very used to seeing the world kind of in a black and white way, and especially around conflict. Most of us are uncomfortable with it, and it just feels sort of easier to put it in this framework of someone's right and someone's wrong. Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with 20 years.

Of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

So make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Tell me if this is something you have heard in your household. We've talked about this a million times.

Oh, yep, I have.

Is your heart rate starting to go up a little bit?

A little bit. A little bit, Yeah. I mean, this is something I think that most couples struggle with. We definitely have our version of the conflict that just can't. Keeps coming back and back. And yeah, when you hear those words, you're just like, oh, shoot, this is happening again.

Unfortunately, in relationships, so many of the conflicts that we have are conflicts that we have over and over and over again. It feels like we're on this horrible hamster wheel just repeating ourselves, having this exact same argument. And this can be incredibly frustrating.

It.

It makes you wonder, are we ever going to fix this? Is this what life is going to be like for the rest of eternity? Are we even a good fit for each other if we can't solve these problems?

If you've ever thought any of those things that Vanessa just said, then we want to introduce you to the concept of unresolvable conflict. So there's actually a lot of research on this. John Gottman, who's a really well known psychologist and relationship researcher, he found that 69% of conflicts in long term relationships are. Drumroll. Unresolvable.

69%. It's our favorite number.

Yeah. So if you're blood curdled when Vanessa said, we've talked about this a million times before, it might be curdling right now. And I tell you that just about 7 out of 10 conflicts can't be resolved or are never resolved in relationships. So that's Kind of scary, but stick with us. We're going to talk about how this is actually not so bad. So what does it mean when conflict is unresolvable? Basically, what Gottman did was he tracked couples over many, many years to see if the arguments they were having at the beginning of their relationship were the same ones or different ones that they were having decades later. And what he found was that 69% of them were. Were the same ones as the ones they had at the beginning.

So we asked our Instagram audience to share with us what are the most common things that they find themselves fighting about over and over again in their relationships. And here were the most common ones that came up. Chores, quality time together. So that's how much or how little time you spend together. But also what kinds of activities count as quality time to each of you. Sex was on the list, of course. Raising kids in laws.

Oh, yeah.

Mental load. Phone usage, work, and being late. So we got one example. Someone wrote in that said, I want him to offer help or ask what he can do, but he wants me to ask for his help or tell him what to do.

I think that encapsulates this type of example. It's so good because I can see this from both sides where, you know, if we just look at the partner side of it, if he wants to be asked for help, like in a different relationship, that could be the preferred way of getting help. Giving help. There's no right answer to this question. You each have your own preferences, and the reality is that they don't always align. I think this is just a perfect encapsulation of what we're talking about. I bet so many people can relate to with this one. And yeah, it's one where people probably have strong preferences and there's going to be people that see it from each side.

Oh, yeah, we also got some funny examples. There were a ton of them. But some of my favorites were, oh, yeah, it's not.

It's not all serious guys.

Yeah, some of my favorites were lamp placement in the living room. Apparently, that's just an ongoing fight. There was what temperature to keep the.

House at such a big one. I mean, there's a whole episode of the Office devoted to that topic.

And my favorite was doesn't scoop the cat litter correctly.

Correctly is a highly subjective. In this case. I don't know. We don't have any cats. I grew up with cats, and I think that in my chores, like, for a year or two maybe, I had to deal with cat litter.

But did you Scoop it correctly.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure if I was ever trained on proper cat litter scoopage. So we didn't just ask, what are these issues that people are that people keep running into? We also want to know how it makes you feel when these things keep coming up or they're unresolvable. And so the types of emotions that people brought up were feeling exhausted, feeling unimportant, frustrated, misunderstood, annoyed, disrespected, angry, like they're going mad or they're going crazy, like they're their partner's mother.

Oof.

You know, just feeling sad or defeated. And so, yeah, we always like to try to look at the underlying emotions too, because we'll talk about this a bit more. But so much of dealing with conflict and then conflict resolution is much more about the underlying emotions and addressing those than it actually is about the content of the conflict.

Oh, spoiler alert. So we know that it's easy to look at this research and to hear what we've been saying these last few minutes and think, oh, oh, my God, my relationship is doomed. It's very easy for this to feel like depressing information, but we actually think that there's a ton of freedom in recognizing that some issues are just unresolvable. And it's not just as simple as saying, hey, that's unresolvable. We'll just be miserable for the rest of our lives. There definitely are things that you can do even if you may not be able to solve the issue. So we're going to walk you through one of the main ways that this comes up in our own relationship and some of the steps and techniques that we have for dealing with it, even though it's an unresolvable conflict. Okay, so this is the main one that we have, the main one amongst many. But we have very different approaches to talking about conflict or about our feelings.

Or just about something that happened that brought up some emotions or feelings.

So we have an unresolvable conflict about unresolvable conflicts.

Oh, we're getting a little too meta here.

So basically, when I am upset, I tend to clam up a little bit, and I need a little bit of time to myself. I have a hard time talking right away. Like, I can definitely seem like I'm giving the silent treatment or the cold shoulder, but it's because I'm really trying to figure out exactly what it is that I'm feeling. And I like to take that time and to be able to put my feelings into words, to be able to express myself clearly. So, for me, it feels like the best way that I can approach a conflict is by taking that time.

Yeah. And then for me, on the flip side, I don't really like to have my space. I. You know, I'm a. I'm a physical touch kind of person. I like that. That closeness or that intimacy. And so I really like to stick together in a conflict and try to process what's going on, talk about what just happened, how it felt for me, how it felt for Vanessa, and just, like, really try to build some closeness in talking about it and trying to resolve it quickly or, you know, immediately. Not. Not waiting half an hour or waiting a day to come back to it.

Yeah. So I think this is such a great example, because it's not something that we can compromise over. Like, it's not like there's this crystal clear for me, like, okay, I need exactly 10 minutes to talk, and Xander would be like, well, I want to talk immediately. Okay, let's meet in the middle and talk after five minutes. Like, that's not going to work.

It's going to feel bad for both of us. Vanessa's going to feel rushed, and I'm going to still have an amount of time where I feel uncomfortable waiting.

Yeah. And so this is one that we have not been able to solve. You know, we've had a lot of arguments about it, a lot of times where it's come up, and it just feels like this very sticky, stuck kind of dynamic between the two of us. If we need such different things, how do we balance that out? So we're going to walk you through how we navigate this in our relationship. So the first lesson that we learned about this, and this was an incredibly hard lesson to learn, and I'm not quite sure I fully learned it still, to be honest. But we both really try to recognize that there is no objective right or wrong in a situation.

And we're not talking about, like, objective right or wrong when it comes to, like, science or politics or social issues. We're talking about, like, our own experiences, our own perceptions with each other. So that's all we're talking about. So don't worry. We're not, like, trying to go down some weird rabbit hole with you here. Just. Just let's. Let's think about this in terms of conflict and in terms of how we perceive our experience and our partner's experience.

So I think one of the issues that a lot of couples get into when they have conflict is it feels like one person's right and one person's wrong. We're very used to seeing the world kind of in a black and white way, and especially around conflict. Most of us are uncomfortable with it, and it just feels sort of easier to put it in this framework of someone's right and someone's wrong.

Yeah. And I think that oftentimes at the beginning of a conflict, each party assumes they are right, and then what they're aiming for in a resolution is to convince the other person that they are wrong. And so it's like, to resolve a conflict, the assumption is that someone must be right and someone must be wrong, and both parties must agree on who's right and who's wrong.

Oh, yeah, we're gonna get back to that, too. So I think, first piece of this here is that our perceptions of what happened are very flawed. So I think we all have this idea of like, oh, well, I know what happened. I remember it. But there's actually some really interesting research behind this. So they've done research on eyewitnesses, and this gets used a lot in jury trials, but they'll have examples of 10 different people can witness the exact same car crash, and they'll describe it in 10 different ways. And each of those people will be fully convinced that what they saw was what actually happened. But there's been some fascinating research on memory that shows we're actually not very good at remembering exactly what happened, especially.

In a somewhat traumatic situation. Like our brains are on overload. And, you know, our brains are really good at filtering information. And our brain's job is to really take a bunch of information and basically be like, what is this similar to in my experience? And it kind of relates it to experience you already have, and then you sort of receive a perception or an interpretation out of that.

Exactly. And also, every time we recall a memory and talk about it, we actually change the memory. I won't get too deep into all the neuroscience of it, but the basic idea here is that we're never going to be able to have this crystal clear memory of exactly what happened. And I know this is something, for me, that has driven me bananas at times. Like, Xander and I will be having an argument, and I will say, no, no, no, this is what you said. And Xander will say, no, this is what I said. And it could be something that he said 10 seconds before, and we have such different memories of exactly what that was. Xander and I could go back and forth arguing about, no, this is what you said. No, this is what I said, but we're not going to be able to agree about that. And ultimately, probably neither one of us are right. We both probably have slightly different takes on exactly what happened.

Even if we found out that Alexa was secretly recording our entire conversation and, like, got her to play it back for us, like, an hour later, I bet you even if we listened to that recording, we would still feel the way that we already felt. Because to us, we already perceived that incident in a certain way. And, like, hearing it back, like, spoken to you, you're going to be like, okay, well, I guess I didn't actually say what I thought I said, but, like, the damage has been done. Arguably, like, in your brain, you've already had a certain perception, You've interpreted things certain ways. Certain emotions have come up as a result of that. Those emotions don't just go away when you're presented with a different, you know, a different reality.

Exactly.

Your reality is you felt those. Those things happened in your brain, and you felt certain ways, and that doesn't go away.

Yeah. I think the point that we want to make here is that simply because you've had an experience like that makes it valid. If you're having some sort of experience that's real, that is real for you. And so I think it makes so much more sense and it's so much more helpful in relationships when we can honor and acknowledge each of our experiences as being right. So going back to this example of Xander and I liking different communication styles, like, neither one of us is right or wrong. I'm not a better person than Xander because I want to take a little bit more time. Xander's not a better person than me because he wants to talk about it right away. Like, we're both just different people with different needs, and both of us can be right. So I think so often in relationships, we argue over things from this place of scarcity. Like, only one person can be right. Only one person remembered it correctly. Only one person's experience matters. But the reality is that both do. And again, this is a hard one. There definitely have been times where I'm like, no, my experience is the right one. I want what I want. So we get that this is so tricky, but it really is such a useful mindset shift to make. Okay, so we're going to go even deeper now.

We must go deeper. I was actually just starting to rewatch Inception the other day, so thinking about that. The deepness, dreams within dreams.

So the next thing that Xander and I have learned to do is to try to identify the core issue. So a few minutes ago, I was reading the most common things that people have these recurring arguments about. And. And a lot of them are surface level things like who did the chores, who loaded the dishwasher, what's going on with the in laws. I think it's really easy for us to argue about these kinds of things back and forth, but it's much more helpful for us to find what I like to call the tender underbelly of the issue.

Underbelly.

So it might seem like you're fighting over the dishwasher, but what are you actually fighting about? So let me give you an example here. We got in a fight a couple of weeks ago about.

I have no idea what she's about to say.

Shrimp. You remember the shrimp.

If you follow us on Instagram, you probably know about the shrimp.

You know about the shrimp. So basically what had happened was we were having this long day, one of those days where it's just stretching on. You can't comprehend how everything you're doing is taking that much time. And we had made plans to cook this really nice shrimp dinner. We'd gone to the farmer's market. We got these, like, fancy organic shrimp. We were both very excited about it. And so we're having this long day, and Xander comes to me and says, hey, how would you feel about ordering dinner instead? And I immediately was. I was all for it. I was like, that sounds great. I'm exhausted. I don't want to cook. Let's just hang out on the sofa, watch some Netflix. It sounded so good.

Netflix and chill.

And then we remembered the shrimp. I think Xander said something about, we have different memories of it, but, oh, let's debrief. I remember Xander saying, oh, but what about the shrimp?

Yeah, I was just trying to acknowledge the fact that by ordering, we are not going to be making the shrimp. And for me, it was just like a logistical thing, like, you know, the shrimp should be fine one more day in the fridge.

I think I remember you saying, what about the shrimp? Because that was probably what was going through my head then, like, oh, no, what about the shrimp? So we got into this thing of, you know, I didn't want to waste the shrimp or risk that they might go bad because they were really expensive. We wanted to cook them.

Vanessa loves shrimp.

I also love shrimp. We both do. But I also didn't want to cook them. You know, I wanted to be able to hang out. And I was siding more on the, like, oh, let's just cook them. We can't waste all this money. Xander was siding a Little bit more on. I know I just want to watch TV and hang out with you.

Can't put a price on relaxation.

And so, you know, we're having this fight about shrimp. I mean, you know, on the surface, it just sounds ridiculous. How are we having, like, a full on fight about shrimp? But we were able to slow down and recognize this is not about the shrimp. The tender little underbelly here is that we're actually wanting to spend time together. We're wanting to experience closeness. And actually, the idea of cooking the shrimp and having this nice dinner together, that could have created closeness too. That was like my idea in my head of this nice evening. But then it had shifted into, oh, maybe closeness sounds better on the sofa. And I think that's something that we've come to realize is that for a lot of people, a lot of these recurring arguments is actually about wanting to experience closeness, but having some internal conflict around that.

Yeah. And for me, I was feeling like. Well, I had expressed in me that I wanted to have some uninterrupted time with Vanessa just to relax on the couch. And then I was hearing from her. Her being concerned about the shrimp was like me feeling like, oh, well, you care about shrimp more than you care about me.

Exactly. So this kind of leads us right into the next thing that we try to do, which is that we try to aim for understanding, not agreement. So earlier we talked about how couples tend to see the world in black and white, tend to feel like only one person can be right. And so we were talking about how it can lead to this battle of wills, of, like, you know, well, we have to agree. So one person has to give in and see it from the other partner's perspective. But we try not to set agreement as our goal. We try to set a totally different goal that feels a lot more manageable and a lot more doable, which is to understand each other's perspectives, even if we don't agree with them. So with the shrimp example, you know, Zander shared with me, he was like, yeah, it makes me feel like you care more about cooking these shrimp than you do about me.

Let's be honest. She cared more about eating the shrimp.

Yes, I did.

She could care less about cooking the shrimp.

So I got on the defensive about this immediately, and, like, my feelings were very hurt. Like, how dare he accuse me of prioritizing shrimp over him? You know, so we were, like, going down this bad path with this shrimp argument. And so we could have gone back and forth, like, you know, fighting about who was Right. Was I actually trying to, you know, prioritize the shrimp over Xander and hurt Xander, or was he right? But instead, what we tried to do is just take. Take a step back and focus on, instead of trying to resolve it, focus on seeing, hearing, and validating each other. So the best thing that we like to do here is to get curious. That's one of our favorite words. Because we think curiosity just opens up so much more energy, so much more spaciousness to connect.

Yeah. Because I think if you can come at something from the perspective of curiosity, that kind of just cues your. Your mind to go in being more open minded rather than sort of like that close minded, like, there must be a right and a wrong, there must be a winner, loser. You know, it cues you to go away from that place of scarcity. And like, curiosity is not saying that you have to hear something and then you have to agree with it just because you heard it and just because you considered it. Like, I think that you can be curious, you can consider. Consider something without having to agree with it, without having to admit wrongdoing. And so I think that's a really important tool to just say, let me consider this. You're under no obligation to do anything with it.

So what you can do to like, make this really practical is to try to learn more about your partner's experience. What were they going through? What was it like for them? So here are some questions that we have used to, you know, to ask each other in these kinds of moments. And it's different based on what the specific circumstance is, but it's stuff like, hey, what was that argument or that situation? What was it like for you?

Yeah, so like in the shrimp case, that was like me saying, you know, for me, that was feeling like, you're telling me that eating shrimp is more important than hanging out with me.

Yeah. And then going back to our example of, like, our different timelines about conversations, we've used this question in a more broad sense. Like, I will ask Xander and hey, what's it like for you if I take some time to try to just gather my thoughts? And so I know now what that experience is like for him and he's asked the same of me. Or what's it like for you when we do end up talking about something right away? So he now knows what it's like for me to feel rushed, to feel flooded. Another question is like, what does this issue mean to you? Are there any core beliefs that you hold around this issue?

Yeah. So like, for me, in shrimp gate, I One of my core beliefs is, like, in that case, I was just like, I don't want to put a price on relaxation, hanging out, togetherness. For me, it's like, you know, the 20 bucks that we spent on shrimp is immaterial. Like, why is money even coming into the picture? We're talking about 20 bucks versus us feeling good about each other.

And that's like, I'm already, like, wanting to have more of a conversation about this because I'm like, so for me, I grew up with less money than Xander did, and, you know, money was a little bit tight in my family. And so the idea of throwing away $20, like, even though I'm an adult, I'm in a more abundant financial situation than I was growing up, like, it stirs up some anxiety to imagine throwing away money, throwing away food, and then going back to this other example about our different timelines with conversations. Like, I'm a very literal person. I say what I mean, and I take what other people say as what they mean. And so that's, again, it's not a thing about being right or wrong. I'm a better or worse person. But for me, like, that's that core belief that makes me want to take that extra time, that makes me, you know, not want to rush into a conversation where then I'll say something that I may not be actually a reflection of how I really feel. Okay, so another question that we have is, is there a meaningful story behind this? Maybe something from their childhood or other past experiences? So that's actually maybe where my money example might fit in a little bit better. But a lot of times, the conflicts that we have with our partners, they trigger past memories. It could be a past memory of an old relationship, maybe even a bad relationship or something from your childhood. So this is all about, you know, that curiosity digging into, like, hey, what else did this stir up for you?

Yeah, and this is just. I mentioned this before, but, yeah, our brains are really, really good at interpreting information by comparing it to prior experiences. Like, the way your brain takes in information and tries to find, like, it scans, essentially, and says, like, what other experiences have you had that this is most like? And then it informs, like, an emotional response based on that. So if you've had a similar experience that was really triggering or really traumatic to you, then it should be no surprise that your emotions may respond in a kind of what seems like a disproportionate way in this new situation.

Now, the key with this step here is that you really need to listen to your partner's experience. So tap into that curiosity, ask them these questions, and. And then really try to listen to them. So it's so easy when we're hearing our partner describe how they're feeling or describing their experience. Like, we want to jump in and say, like, no, no, no, no, that's not how it went. That's not what I said. No, this thing happened before, that thing. But try your hardest not to get defensive. Try your hardest to give your partner the benefit of the doubt and to listen from a place of compassion. You are not always going to get this right. I will fully admit there are plenty of times where I go into lawyer mode and I want to argue about the details, but keep looking for that tender little underbelly and keep sitting with it. Okay, so now you've heard your partner out, you've understood their experience a little bit better. What do we do next? We apologize.

Uh oh.

Even if. Especially if we don't think we've done anything wrong. So this is that next step in really moving through and moving past your recurring arguments. So Xander and I have talked about this on Instagram a lot, and we've gotten a lot of pushback about this. So our perspective is we are both willing to apologize no matter what. Like, as long as someone's feelings were hurt, someone's upset, whatever it is, we will apologize to each other.

And I think where people. People get confused about this or is that people have an association, that apology equals admission of wrongdoing. And I think that's one of those things that just gets drilled into us from real young ages, like via, you know, interactions with your parents, interactions with siblings, interactions with friends. We probably all have examples, even if we can't remember them explicitly anymore. Examples of being like 4 years old and being forced to apologize and admit wrongdoing for something that you really felt you didn't do and. And objectively, probably something you really didn't do. Like, that happens all the time between kids.

Yeah. A lot of us have so much baggage around apologies, but we try to look at apologies as just something that we give to each other freely, generously, and openly. Just acknowledging. You know, we really try to get out of that black and white mindset, that scarcity mindset, and just give apologies freely. So sometimes it'll be, you know, a straight up I'm sorry. Sometimes we'll use the word I'm bummed or I regret. Regret that. So you can play around with the language and see what feels right for you, but the basic idea is you Know, hey, if somebody's upset, that's something that we're bummed about that we wish didn't happen. And we know that it feels so good to get an apology, we give them to each other. You know, there's a lot of reciprocation there, and that helps us move past things.

Yeah, Just think about, like, do you want to see your partner feeling hurt? Most likely that doesn't make you feel good. So that's something that you can apologize about. Being bummed that they are not feeling good, being bummed that they are sad. Being bummed that they are feeling hurt by an interaction that you had.

The other really important thing to think about when it comes to apologies is the difference between impact and intent. This is such an important thing, we might need to do an entire podcast episode about it. But unfortunately, the impact of our words and actions is often very different from what the intent was. Often the impact of our words and actions is very different from the intent. So you could have gone into a certain circumstance with the best of intentions, not wanting to hurt your partner, and yet your partner still got hurt. This happens to us all the time.

I think the simplest example of this is, like, in text messages. And you send a text message that literally makes sense. Your partner receives it, you're not there. They can't interpret your tone. They interpret a word or a punctuation differently than the way that you intended it.

Oh, yeah, this happens all the time. So we try to, you know, again, just use apologies to acknowledge the difference between the impact and the intent. That even if I had the best of intentions, even if I didn't mean to do that, maybe I had an effect that on you that I didn't mean.

Yeah, because here's the thing. Even if you are able to explain your intent perfectly to your partner after the fact, them understanding what your intent was, it can't take away the impact that your words or your actions had on them at the time. They can work on kind of changing how they feel about it, but, like, there was sort of that emotional blow that they received from earlier on from that text message that you sent. That can't just disappear when you understand that someone's intent was different.

So going back to our same example that we keep working through here, you know, when I take time after an argument, my intent is to gather my thoughts, to be able to express myself clearly, to have, like, a smooth conversation afterwards. But often the impact that I have on Xander is that he feels anxious. He starts spinning out, worrying that I'm you know, way more upset than I am. So that's not at all my intention. But I can also still acknowledge, hey, that's the impact that it has on. On him. And that's me really seeing, hearing, and validating his experience.

Yeah. Now let me give one more example if you are still struggling with this, because I. I'm sure this is probably the part of this podcast that people are going to have the most trouble wrapping their heads around. So let's give a physical example. All right, so, like, let's say you're in the house. You are walking into your bedroom. You don't realize that your partner is right behind you, and you are closing the door behind you, and it hits them in the face. You have no way of knowing that your partner was there. You're doing something that is totally normal, closing a door, and totally by accident, you smack them in the face with the door. They are going to be hurt.

And it doesn't matter that you didn't mean to. It doesn't matter that you would never want to hurt your partner. Like, they're still physically hurt.

Yeah. So, I mean. Yeah. So there's like two scenarios here where they're like, oh, my God, you hit me in the face. And you explain. Let's say you explain totally perfectly. I had no idea you were behind me. You're wearing slippers. I couldn't hear your footsteps, blah, blah, blah. I totally thought you told me you were downstairs a minute ago and you weren't coming up, and they could hear that and be like, okay, yeah, you're right. There was no way of knowing that. But I'm still hurt.

Exactly.

And I mean, the other alternative is they might know immediately. Oh, yeah, it was totally an accident. But, man, my face really hurts. Like, you cannot take the pain away no matter what.

So let us give you some specific examples of ways that you can phrase your apologies. So it might be something like, I'm so sorry that what I said had that impact on you. Are you open to hearing what my intentions were? Wow. I can now see how my actions had that effect on you. That's not what I wanted, and I'm sorry that that's what happened. Or thank you for letting me know that I had that impact on you. I'm glad you told me, because that's not at all what I wanted. Can I share with you what I meant?

Yeah. So I think the really important thing to recognize, especially for couples dealing with this, is that you know when you hear what the impact was on your partner, like, you're going to be bummed about that, that. That, you know, they felt hurt, and you're going to have to sit with that. And at the same time, if you have an opportunity to describe your intent, your partner can understand that intent, and maybe that intent. Understanding the intent better can mitigate some of the pain. It might stop any ongoing emotional pain that they're feeling. But you have to understand that, like, there's still going to be that initial hurt. And so both of you just need to be aware that this isn't a perfect thing. Like, doing this just doesn't take emotional pain or argument away, but it's a way of kind of balancing the scales or mitigating the ongoing damage. And then, you know, then you both just have to sit with, yeah, I hurt you. I didn't mean to hurt you. That is what it is. We're going to deal. We're going to sit with that.

All right? And that brings us to the final point that we wanted to make today, which is to think of your unresolvable conflicts as the price of admission to your relationship. So we know that it can be really challenging to deal with these issues over and over again to now know that they will probably be a part of your relationship for maybe the rest of your relationship. But we think that it's really important to remind yourself that there are probably lots of other really amazing parts of your relationship, too, to. You know, it's really easy for us to focus on conflicts, especially the unresolvable ones, and that becomes the only thing that we focus on. But we think it's so important to, like, remind yourself, hey, there are all these other amazing qualities that my partner has that our relationship has. So, you know, it sounds kind of trite to talk about gratitude or appreciation, but science has actually shown that they are incredibly powerful. So if you can make sure to remind yourself of the good aspects of your relationship, remind yourself that your relationship is not just your unresolvable conflicts, then there can be a sort of humorous way to think of it as like, okay, yeah, you know, for me, I might say to myself, like, I really would love to have a partner who also wanted to take a little bit of time and gather his thoughts before having a conversation. But you know what? That is a price that I'm willing to pay.

And even if you did have that partner, how would you ever get someone that would want the exact same amount of time as you did every single time? What? I'd be like, oh, yeah, cool. I want time. And then you're like, I want two hours, And I'm like, oh, I want one hour. So then there's still an hour where I'm, like, dying.

So, bottom line, we're all gonna have these unresolvable conflicts. If you can have a little bit of a sense of humor about it and just feel view them as the price of admission for an otherwise pretty awesome relationship, then you will be set for years to come.

All right, let's get into some questions from some of our followers on Instagram. So the first question is, how do we know if something is resolvable or unresolvable? This totally sounds like a question that we made up, but this is actually a question that we got.

Okay, So I think there are a few things that you can do. You know, one is that you can ask your partner. Okay, we have this issue that we've had a lot of fights about. Maybe you first start off by listening to this podcast with them, and then you can have this conversation and ask, like, do you see this issue in the same way that I do? Is this something that you want to change, something that you think you can change and be really honest with each other? So there may be, you know, some examples where your partner would say, you know what? I feel really strange, strongly about spending money in the way that I like to spend money. I can't see myself changing and becoming more of a saver, you know, and that's. That's okay. I think, again, like, coming back to that idea we were talking about at the beginning of the episode, that there can be a lot of freedom in deciding, like, you know what? We're gonna label this one an unresolvable conflict and move on. But I think it does start with the two of you being open and honest with each other. And on the other hand, there may be certain conflicts where you or your partner would be like, yeah, you know what? We have been fighting about this a lot. Now that I take a step back and take a little bit of time to think about it, I don't actually care about this as much as I thought that I did. So I'm happy to go with what you want to do or go with some sort of compromise. But I think just asking it in that way really, like, kind of putting your cards out on the table, like, that can be useful.

All right, so next question is, how do you know if something is a deal breaker? I think that's a really big one. Especially when people learn that not all conflicts are resolvable. Then it's like, okay, well, I can't just have every single conflict be unresolvable. At what point do you draw the line?

All right, so that one, I think that's something that each person is going to have to answer for themselves. Like Xander and I can't give a list of like, okay, any conflicts about money are deal breakers. I wish we could, but, you know, deal breaker is it's means such different things to different people. So it's something you're going to have to get brutally honest with yourself. But I think the best way to go about it is to imagine your life and really play it out like 5, 10, 15, 20 years into the future. Imagine that this conflict is always going to be an issue. You do not get to a point where you guys solve it. So is that a price of admission that you're willing to pay? Or when you do that visualization, does it fill you with absolute dread? So, like, an example from our relationship is Xander and I have different relationships with time. He can be, you know, run a little bit later to things than I can. And we've had a lot of, you know, discussions, a lot of conflicts, a lot of hurt feelings, a lot of just straight up fights about time. So when I imagine the rest of my life continuing to have these arguments, continuing to be on different pages about time, like, it's not a pretty picture. I don't love it. I'm not like, can't wait to have our next fight about time. But at the same time, like, I don't get that gut feeling of like, this is a deal breaker for me. Like, I cannot live my life like this. It just feels like, alright, yeah, it's a bummer, but I'm alright. I've signed up for this. I'm okay.

But the important thing to remember is that the way you feel right now about a conflict, especially if you've been having sort of an unresolvable conflict that you haven't been addressing very effectively yet, is that it's not always going to feel the same way over time. If you can start more effectively expressing and understanding and validating the underlying emotions in the and feelings that each of you feel around that conflict and start hearing them and finding ways to either mitigate those feelings or meet those needs in other ways, you know, the feelings behind the conflict that you feel right now may kind of subside over time. So then it's just like, okay, can I deal with the, like, logistical annoyance of us not always being on the same page?

Yeah, that's such a great point. I mean, hopefully by following the tips that we've shared today, you'll have a very different approach to those unresolvable arguments, and they won't feel like, you know, repeating the exact same thing over and over again. That, yeah, the. Exactly what you were saying, like, the surface level might feel the same, but you'll feel like you have this deeper, richer understanding of what that little tender underbelly is.

All right, so another question is, how do you bring up an issue or a conflict without immediately getting pissy?

Oh, that's such a good one. So I think if you are feeling immediately pissy, that's probably a sign that for a while, or maybe just around this specific issue, you're not feeling heard. So you, like, you go into it hot because you're just so determined that your partner's gonna hear you and they're gonna understand you. So there's actually some other research from John Gottman about. He came up with this concept called the soft startup, and he found that the way that couples start conversations predicts how those conversations will end. So, unsurprisingly, if you go into a conversation hot, it is extremely likely that it is not going to go well. So his idea was the soft startup. If you can bring things up in a soft, gentle, calm way, it almost guarantees that the conversation goes well. So if you're feeling yourself just already pissy, take a little bit of time to take care of yourself. So soothe yourself and wait to bring it up until you're feeling a little bit calmer. And try to recognize within yourself, like, you're wanting to feel heard, validated, seen. So you could even share that with your partner. Like, hey, I'm feeling really tender, really sensitive around this issue. It would really help me if you could validate my experience. Something like that.

Yeah. I think that immediate pissiness is also a sign that you. You may have already been, like, having this argument internally, like, before bringing it up with the other person. I think that's something that we do so much. Like, we have this internal dialogue of, like. Like, you've been having this part, this. This fight with your partner in your head for, like, days already. And so, of course, by the time you actually verbalize it, you're gonna be super pissy because you're like, God, like, we've already been through this a million times. You know, it's like, if you've actually had the argument ten times before in your head, you're like, I've had this argument 20 times because I've been doing it Nonstop with myself. So, you know, I think that's something that we all do. It's something we have to just be aware of. And if we find ourselves having an internal argument with someone else, that is a sign that we should probably stop doing that inside of our heads and start doing it in real life. Because otherwise, you. You're just gonna have no way of, like, having a calm, soft startup if you've already. You're already pissed.

Yeah.

And you start describing things to your partner that they never actually did.

Like, oh, yeah, for sure.

That's not fun. And then, let's see. Another question is, how do you help someone feel validated if you don't feel the same way?

We get this one. A lot people will say, like, well, I don't want to validate my partner and tell them, like, you know, that makes sense to me, or, I understand how you feel that way, because I don't. I don't understand how my partner could feel that way or think that that's what's happening. So I just want to acknowledge, like, this is really hard to do sometimes. There are definitely times Xander and I have had arguments and he shares his experience, and I'm like, what planet are you living on that that's what you think just happened? Because it's so different from my own experience. So I get that this can feel really crazy making. Sometimes it can just feel like I don't even understand what just happened here. So the bottom line is it doesn't need to make sense to you. You don't need to agree with it. You just have to acknowledge that it's something that your partner feels or thinks or experiences. And that simple fact makes it real. Like, your partner's not a liar. Your partner's not just, like, making things up to piss you off. Like, they're a different person and they're having a different experience than you are. And so I think a simple phrase that you can fall back on is something like, you matter to me, so your experience matters to me. So you don't even have to say the words like, I agree with you, or I understand that. I would feel that same way too. Just telling them, like, your experience matters to me because it's you.

Yeah, I think it's really important to try to take your step self out of it when you're trying to understand what it was like for them rather than trying to be like, okay, based on what they said. If I play those things through my brain, through my way of seeing things, does that make sense? Because it's not going to make sense. Just try to think, okay, if I were them, and I set aside all the things that I already know or the things that I perceived in that argument, if you just look at it from their eyes without bringing any, you know, bring as little as your of yourself into them as possible and just try to say, you know what, I can understand how you might see it that way. I see it in a different way, but I still see how you could see that. All right, now the last question is, are unresolvable conflicts really unresolvable forever?

Yeah. This one makes me laugh because the question that we put up on Instagram was, like, what question is, do you have about unresolvable conflicts? And the majority of the questions that we got were like, how do I resolve them? So I think a lot of people are really struggling with this idea that something could be unresolvable forever. So let's just be brutally honest here. Yeah, probably. It's probably going to be unresolvable forever. I mean, remember that statistic that we shared? 69% of arguments are unresolvable. But here's the ironic thing is a lot of times when you stop trying to solve problems, sometimes they kind of.

Solve themselves or they just become less, like, important.

Yeah.

And that lack of importance is kind of a way of solving itself. Like, if it's not bothering you 24 7, then, like, is it really a conflict anymore? Is it just an annoyance?

Yeah, I mean, I think so often in conflict, you know, we get into this place of black and white, right or wrong, I want to be the person who's right. I want to be the winner. And we really dig our heels in, and it just makes all of our feelings so much more intense. And when we acknowledge, like, all right, no one's gonna win this one, like, this is just that unresolvable conflict thing. There's a way that we sort of relax around it. So it might not be that it never bothers us it again, but there's a totally different level of intensity around it when you get to that place of acceptance.

Yeah. So if it feels really intense for you to come around to the idea that, like, this might be unresolvable forever, try to just focus on. Yeah. The concept of unresolvable conflict. Can you get to a place where you feel okay with the fact that that argument you've been having might never be solved? And that might be a really good way if you can get yourself to that point, then you're in a really good position to actually get into validating and coming to understanding with your current unresolvable conflicts and all the future ones that are definitely going to come up.

So to wrap this up, just want to remind you that you're an imperfect person. Your partner is an imperfect person. Xander and I are imperfect people. Of course we are all going to have relationships that are imperfect, and these unresolvable conflicts are just that imperfection. But as long as you both can make efforts to see, hear, and validate each other, not only is that going to be a much better way to actually deal with those conflicts, but it's just going to make you guys feel so much better too. All right, so let's quickly recap our top tips for addressing unresolvable conflict in your relationship. Know that there is no objective right or wrong. Identify the core issue. Aim for understanding, not agreement. Apologize even if you don't think you're wrong. And think of unresolvable conflicts as the price of admission.

So, yeah, the final thoughts that we want to leave you with here. Just remember that seeing and hearing and validating each other is really the best way to move on from an issue. It's not about solving it. It's not about making someone feel bad. It's not about feeling good about yourself because you convinced someone or you're right. It's just validating, hearing, seeing, and then know that you are two imperfect people. Of course your relationship is not going to be perfect. You can't solve all of the problems. If it were perfect, it would not be so interesting or exciting.

All right, well, that is it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. So make sure to subscribe for your weekly dose of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. And we are also doing a really fun giveaway to celebrate the launch of this podcast. So if you leave us a review which really helps us, it is so useful for a brand new podcast to get in front of more listeners. It helps us help more couples. And so to thank you for taking just a couple minutes to leave a review, we will enter you into a drawing to win your choice of any one of our courses that is up to a thousand dollar value. So all you got to do is leave us a review by June 20th.

All right, thank you you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about another huge question, which is should sex just happen naturally?

Ooh, it's going to be a good one.