Episode 206: Butt Stuff 101: Everything You’re Too Afraid To Ask

I do think some people, especially with things that we feel nervous about, we often need, like, a couple of rounds of encouragement to give you that courage to actually try it out.

All right, so what are we actually going to cover? We're going to talk about why you really should consider butt stuff. Spoiler alert. It's pleasurable for both parties. It is.

Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. We are bringing back a fan favorite this week. Oh, yeah, we're talking about butt stuff.

We're going there.

Oh, I thought you were gonna maybe do butt stuff with me. In unison. Can we do it? Yeah, we're talking about butt stuff.

Oh, yeah.

So we polled our audience on Instagram, and we asked, are you intimidated by anal play? And 72% of people said, yes.

But there's a twist.

There is a twist. When we asked, are you curious about trying butt stuff? 67% of you said, yes.

So intimidated but curious sounds like a podcast name. Yeah, maybe that's what this should be called.

Or a book. Not like a spicy novel. Intimidated but curious.

Ooh, interesting. What happens?

A lot of butts or a dating profile. Like your name on a dating profile.

I don't know. If you were to say, I'm intimidated in my dating profile, I'm not sure you'd get a lot of hits. Or you might get the wrong kind of swipes on you.

That was such a, like, tell me you've never online dated without telling me you've never online dated moment. I'm gonna roast myself for that. Okay, yeah, don't call yourself that.

All right, anyways, so look, obviously there's a lot of fear and hesitation around butt stuff, but that curiosity is still very, very much there. And I think, like, people are not letting intimidation hold them back. Right? Like that. That's why we do this podcast. That's why we do what we do. We don't think anyone should be intimidated about their sex life, about things that they're curious about trying. And people are obviously curious about butt stuff, and we love that.

So we originally released a Butt Stuff episode way back in 2021. And we were not expecting this, but we were totally blown away that it quickly became one of our most popular episodes ever.

It popped it. Booty popped it.

Booty popped it sure did. And it has held strong as one of our top episodes pretty much since then.

So we decided we're going to re air this super popular episode. And look, this is the first time we've actually re aired an episode at this point. It's crazy. We have over 200 episodes of pillow Talks. And we know that if you are new, if you did not start right at episode one, there is probably a lot of catching up that. That you could do. I doubt. You know, hey, I would actually love to know what percentage of our listeners have listened to all 200 episodes.

Curious.

But I'm going to go out on a limb and say that there's probably a lot for you to catch up on. You whoever is listening to this right now. So we want to make it easier. We want to make it easier for you. Yeah, you. You. Whose ears I am in right now. Whose ears I'm inside. Who? I don't know. I don't know if I like that. This is not the Aral Pleasures episode. It is the But Pleasures episode. But anyway, we want to make it easier for you to get all of our best stuff. And this episode especially, even if you.

Did listen to that episode originally back in 2021, I think there's still so much to gain by re listening to it. Like, I really listen to a lot of podcast episodes. I reread books. Because you hear different things each time around. Like, there's different insights that you pick up on, different tidbits that you pick up. Also, you may have changed your mind in the last four years. Maybe you've started leaning a little more into that curiosity realm. Maybe you have a different partner. I mean, a lot of circumstances could be different.

Or you're just ready to jump from curious to trying it out.

Exactly. And I do think some people, especially with things that we feel nervous about, we often need like, a couple of rounds of encouragement to give you that courage to actually try it out.

All right, so what are we actually gonna cover? We're gonna talk about why you really should consider about stuff. Spoiler alert. It's pleasurable for both parties. It is. Also, we're going to talk about all the misconceptions about butt stuff, because there are plenty. And one of the huge ones is that it's not just anal sex. In fact, anal sex is One part of, you know, the. The multifaceted. Multifaceted is kind of weird of the multitude.

Multifaceted.

Oh, the multi acid nature of butt stuff. What I mean by that is that there are a lot of activities and anal is penetration. Anal penetration is just one of them. We are also going to talk about how to keep it safe, hygienic and pain free. Because whenever we have question boxes about anal safety and hygiene and pain are definitely the three top things that people ask about. And then finally we're going to talk about why more and more straight men, guys like me, are opening up to the joys of butt stuff.

We are also going there with some of your most intimate questions. We got questions about things like hemorrhage, hemorrhoids, hairy buttholes, and what to do if you're worried that once you try butt stuff that vaginal sex will not feel like enough for your partner.

All right, so bottom line, why are we talking about butt stuff right now?

Bottom line.

I did.

Come on, actually.

Wow, that was unintentional, but that was genius. Bottom line, let's get down to your ass's grass. No, I couldn't think of anything, but no. Why are we talking about it now? What's the bottom line? Well, we.

This is a real show of an intro. I didn't even mean that.

Well, I. I didn't even mean that. I told them. I told them that we were going to talk about safety and hygiene. So. We do not want this to be a show, babe.

How to not be a shit.

But stuff should not be a shit show.

It won't.

It really shouldn't. And it won't if you do. Anyway, look, why are we talking about it now? Well, we launched. We launched our brand new membership, Deeper. When Deeper gives you access to all of our courses. A monthly double date with us where we will answer your questions. We talk about different topics. It also gives you access to Vanessa AI, which is pretty incredible. Getting really rave reviews from people. It is really next level.

And your ability to, like, get instant advice, feedback, personalized tips, personalized scripts. Like, it's crazy. It's like your own sex therapist in your back pocket.

It's like you're literally talking to Vanessa because we trained it with everything that Vanessa has ever said or written. It really is just like her. And then also there's tons of other cool stuff like me. It is just like you. Except I can't.

She's not a human.

I can't have sex with it.

True, you cannot. We specifically made sure you can't have.

Sex with it either. As hard as you try. It will not. It will not engage with you.

You.

But yeah, there's also tons of other cool stuff in the membership too. You'll just have to join and check it out if you want to see what all that cool stuff is. But with the new direction that we are going in with this membership, a lot of our individual guides are not going to be available for purchase anymore because we've just had so many things, so many things. It makes for a confusing experience for people. When they get to our website, they're trying to figure out what to get and there's like 20 different options.

It's too much.

That's tough. It's. It's too much.

So we really wanted to streamline the experience, especially for new people. We also wanted to make something so much more convenient to our community rather than like, you have to go through your email and like, wait, where was that guy? And what was this thing again? And I think I bought that thing. We wanted to make sure you have it all together, like all access pass.

With that new direction. A lot of these, A lot of these one off guides are not going to be available for purchase anymore. And that includes two fan favorites, that's Butt Stuff and Dirty Talk 101.

So we actually created the Butt Stuff guide because this podcast episode was so popular. We were like, oh my God. People were begging us. Like, this episode was so good. I want more. Like, can you get more into the technique? Can you address this aspect of it? And so we made that guide because of this episode. So this is really like a full circle moment. We're now retiring it with this episode as well. And Also Dirty Talk 101, you mentioned, we are retiring so many guides. We literally don't have the time to like individually focus on each of them. So dirty talk 101. We're not talking at all about Dirty Talk in this episode. But it's such a fun guide. It's great for sexting, it's great for flirting, for finding your authentic voice. It's really more of a like sexual communication guide. It ranges from like PG13 to XXX.

Yeah. Mild. Mild to wild.

Mild to wild. So you can really find your own unique flavor there. So, yeah, you're never gonna be able to get either of those guides and so many others on their own ever again. But we wanted to give you this last chance before we lock them up within the membership, within deeper.

So, yeah, you've got until May 4th to get them outside of deeper. Or you can always just join us in Deeper because for nearly the same price, you're going to get access to Butt stuff, Dirty Talk 101, and also most of our other courses too. And those double dates with us and Vanessa. AI the list really goes on. So however you want to do it, we're going to put links for all those down in the show notes.

All right, before we jump into the re air of the Butt Stuff episode, let's get into a brand new review of the week.

Yeah, so we always do review of the week. Reviews are such an important way for us to grow, whether that's a review on the podcast or a review of one of our courses. So the way that you enter to win a review of the week giveaway, the winner gets a free masterclass. All you gotta do is DM us a review of one of our courses. If you've bought one, you can DM us at Vanessa and Xander on Instagram or leave us a review review on the podcast. So go to the main Pillow Talks page on Apple Podcasts, scroll all the way down to the bottom, smash the five stars button, and just leave us a couple sentences about how this podcast has changed your relationship or your sex life. So this week's review of the week is a podcast review. Amazing. I first heard of Pillow Talks when I listened to an episode from the Mel Robbins podcast. I learned to love what Vanessa had said on the podcast. So I headed over to Spotify and I am hooked up. I'm only 23 years old and I did not realize how much a podcast like this could help my sex life. My boyfriend and I listened to some of the episodes together and I've loved it. I love hearing what Vanessa has to say, but having a male also give input is so helpful. Xander, you rock. And you guys are such a power couple. I am constantly recommending this podcast to my friends.

Oh, that's a really sweet review. Okay, let's get into butt stuff. And now it's time to tell you about our dog's personal favorite podcast sponsor, which is Chewy. Chewy.

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Yeah, because we were just a minute ago talking about sort of like, are you open to it or curious about now? This is like, all right, brass tacks, people. Have you done it?

Okay, so 59% of people said yes, 41, no. So pretty good amount of people have already experimented a little bit with it. So.

Yeah, And I think the key here is that we said any form of anal play because a lot. We'll get into this. We'll get into this. But a lot of people hear anal. They don't even hear what comes next. Like, we said anal play. They just hear anal. And they think I'm just, like, mumbling like. Like, anal, anal, whatever. And they go, anal sex.

Spoiler alert.

Like, Full on Full on Intercourse. Full on intercourse in my anus. And that's not.

That should be the name of the guy.

Full on intercourse in my anus. Do you think. Do you think it's too late to ask the team to rebrand? I think they might want to kill me. But would you guys be more likely to buy a guy called Full on intercourse in my anus or butt stuff?

I'm dead. We're having these conversations on Instagram. We've recently realized that we're terrible at naming all of our guides and products. Nobody likes the names or understands the names. Like, with our ultimate foreplay guides, we realize, like, nobody realizes that it's covers a blowjob.

Yeah, people. Yeah, we. Yeah, it's kind of sad. We. We did a story on Instagram the other day, and we were like, hey, we're kind of realizing that we're not always the best at naming our stuff. And, like, our. For, you know, what do you think of the name for the foreplay guides? You know, it includes how to give a blow job and how to do this, how to do that. And people were like, oh, my God, the foreplay guide is the blowjob guide. Like, I thought you weren't selling the blow job guide. Like, I got to buy it. We're like, oh, my God, what are we thinking?

So, yeah, maybe butt stuff is a terrible name. Maybe it should be Full on Intercourse.

But you know what would be even more us would be like, would be like if we did. Okay, so the course is called Full on Intercourse in my Anus, but we will abbreviate it because, you know, that's too long. So it'll be F. Well, shoot. Is F. Is it? Oh, and it's dash. Do you do, like, the second, like, full.

No, it's gotta be F. O, I. I M A. Yeah, that.

This is an inside peek into what goes on at DM Therapy headquarters.

If you go into the name of the business anymore.

I know. Into Vanessa and Xander Sexton relationships. If you. If you, like, go into the system where all of our, like, product carts are. There's a lot of really long names and then abbreviations, and it is a. It's a mouthful and a handful inside the brain.

We should have mentioned in our business episode from two weeks ago, we suck at naming things.

We like really long acronyms.

Oh, my God. But fortunately, we have a great audience that helps us fix it.

Unfortunately, this time it's just called butt.

Stuff and it does not cover just intercourse. Again, we will get to that in a minute. But just to be clear, it's not just an intercourse guide.

But just to be clear, it does also cover Full on Intercourse and Uranus.

It does. It includes that, but it's not limited to that. There we go. Okay, so let's take a step back and let's talk a little bit about why you should try any form of anal play. Because I think there are a lot of people out there who just immediately are like, nothing's going back there. Leave it alone. I'm not interested.

Yeah, I think a lot of people go, nothing's going in there. And the reality is that nothing even needs to go in there in order to enjoy anal.

Spoiler alert there. Okay, so to be clear, we are not going to force you to do anal. Like, there is no anal police here doing enforcement, making sure everybody's doing it.

Unless you want the anal police to come to your door. Because that could be a sexy fantasy.

That might be, if you're into that, the anal police and the milkman. If you're into that, that's great. But we are not trying to pressure you or tell you you have to. We're just here to present the information and you make the decision that feels the best for your sex life. But there are some compelling reasons that we want to share. So the first thing is, like, let's just acknowledge there still is, like, a taboo element around all things anal. And that taboo can actually be really exciting when you decide to try it like, it feels kind of naughty. It gives it a little bit of an extra thrill to be like, o, I'm not supposed to be doing this.

Yeah, I mean it's, it's kind of like early on when you start experimenting with sex, say, I don't know, like if you start experimenting with any type of sex stuff, like in your teenage years, there's definitely that initial kind of taboo, like, ooh, we have to be sneaking around or whatever. And you know, I think you lose that pretty quickly once you really become like a full blown adult. Especially when you, you know, if you got into a serious partnership or whatever.

On adult, you mean?

Yeah, you start having full sex with your full on adult partner and you know, sex kind of loses that taboo. Like, oh, we shouldn't be having just intercourse, but we got something else for you that is a little taboo and that's the butt.

Okay. It's also something new to explore with your partner. So if you're feeling like a little bit bored of your usual routine, anal is definitely going to shake things up. And you know, we talk a lot about how trying new things in and outside of the bedroom, it really builds emotional intimacy. And even if this ends up being something that you literally just do once, it could still be a really interesting and fun bonding experience for the two of you.

Yeah. Or at the very least it could just be something that you reminisce about or even laugh about, like, oh, remember the time we tried that? Wasn't that fun or funny? Like what? Whichever it ends up being. And the other part of that too is with any kind of anal play, it typically requires a little bit more preparation and communication. It's not just something where it's like in the middle, it, it's like, oh, all of a sudden we just started having full on anal intercourse in Uranus. You know, it requires a little preparation. And that preparation, that communication, can create a bit of anticipation which can actually be really fun and exciting, especially compared to the typical sex that you are probably usually having. So bottom line, it can be fun to have something that you need to talk about a little bit or prepare for and then therefore think about and get excited about.

Okay, here's another thing. It has the potential to be a first time experience for one or both of you. So if you met your partner like a little bit later in your life, maybe you already had a number of other sexual partners or experiences. Like, this was definitely the case for us. Like when we tried anal, that was our first experience and it was like the only first that I think we shared with each other sexually.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And even if you each have tried some form of anal play before, if you haven't tried it with each other, it's like a first to do together. And like, you know, the fun thing is, like, how many of those do you have left at this point? So it's, you know, it's just another fun first. Even if it is not your first time trying it together, it could be your first time trying it with the proper tools and resources to really set yourself up for success.

Yes. Also our first time exploring anal play.

We have different recollections of.

It's a Pretty funny story.

It's a pretty funny story.

Okay. But finally, the most important reason to consider butt stuff is also the simplest one. It feels good. Like there. It's just an objective reality that there are nerve endings in and around your anus that feel good, that register sensation. And this is for people of all genders. So it feels, feels good. It has the ability to enhance orgasms if you're pairing it with other kinds of stimulation. That's something that we get into in butt stuff. And actually, some people can even have orgasms from anal play alone. So reality is it just feels good. Okay, so let's talk about some of the biggest barriers that get in people's way when it comes to wanting to explore or experiment with anal play. So a big one that comes up is safety. So we're just going to run you through a couple of quick facts. You can transmit sexually transmitted infections through anal contact, and actually transmission rates can be a bit higher. Since anal tissues are more sensitive, they're more susceptible to, like, little micro tears, which can help infections pass easier. So you definitely want to make sure that you're using a condom for any sort of anal play, unless you are already fluid bonded with your partner. But there is some good news here. When it comes to safety, pregnancy is clearly not a concern. So you don't have to worry about that aspect of it. But again, all normal rules of keeping yourself protected do apply. All right, so let's talk about the. I think I would say this is one of the two biggest blockages this and the next one that we're going to talk about hygiene. So we've got the classic question, aren't I going to get poop on his fingers or on his dick? Right. We're very afraid of the poop.

I feel like the very first question, the very most common question we get is, is it sanitary? And I. I hate that word. I hate when people use that wor. Like, sorry, people, life is not sanitary.

Sex is not.

Really. Sex isn't sanitary and life isn't sanitary.

Yeah. So, okay, we're just gonna give it to you totally straight here. We wanna be honest with you guys. We want you to have all the information you need to make a decision. So when you have some sort of penetrative anal play, whether that's with fingers, a toy, a penis, whatever it is, you do have the possibility that that object is going to come in contact with. With traces of fecal matter. But the key here is traces. So super quick little anatomy lesson. The anus is just the outside of your butt. The rectum is the inside. And the rectum connects up to the rest of your GI system. So the small intestine, the large intestine, all of that. I won't go super detailed with all the anatomy, but the most important thing to understand is that in the rectum where you're having this sort of penetration and poop is not just sitting there.

Yeah. I think people just assume, like, oh, there's a huge load just waiting to.

Come out and like, coking it's.

And yeah, occasionally. Occasionally that may be true. And I guarantee you, you are not gonna want to be having any kind of anal play, nay, any type of intercourse, any type of sexual interaction. If you are literally about to poop, like prairie dogging. If you are literally about to poop, stop having sexy time, go to the bathroom and poop. Like common sense people. Once you like, after that happens, it's not just right there.

Yeah. So your poop slides through the rectum on its way out. It goes pretty quickly. It doesn't tend to leave, like, big amounts of it. But again, we just want to be honest and realistic with you guys. Like, it does slide down it. So there's the possibility that there are slight traces of it around there.

Unfortunately, there are no, like, little men inside. They're like, cleaning up the walls of your intestine.

Wow.

Little guys scrubbing away.

Little rectum cleaners. So in general, like, if you have had, like an upset stomach, if you've had some messy bowel movements like that, you're going to be much more likely to run into the traces of fecal matter at that point. So that's why we typically recommend, like, especially if you're a newbie or you're feeling nervous about it. Like, wait until you've either you haven't had a bowel movement in a while or you've had like, just a Nice, good, clean one. You know, they just, the no wipers, they just come right out. They're great. So.

And the reality is, if you have just had a messy bowel movement or you do have an upset stomach, it's very unlikely that you are going to be feeling excited about having any kind of anal play. Like, typically, like, if you're feeling kind of sick and gross, yeah. You're probably not even going to want to be having sex sex anyway.

So in butt stuff, we really detail for you some specific and very easy steps that you can take to minimize any potential contact with even the slightest bit of residue. But what we really want to make clear to you today is like, anal sex is actually a lot cleaner than you think. It's not going to be this like wildly messy, gross, poop filled thing. Like, it's actually very simple.

And the reality is, like, with, with like we were saying, sex isn't sanitary. Like, the reality with any kind of sex is that there are residues of things like, see? But yeah, like, like there's gonna be some urine residue on a guy's penis. Or like, if you're going down, especially.

If you're doing a little shake shake instead of the tap with a bit of tissue paper like we talked about.

I have been doing that recently. You have? I'm trying. Oh my gosh, I am, I'm trying to be more sanitary.

It's because you got embarrassed because we put a poll up on Instagram asking like, like, penis owners, do you do the shake shake or the, the tap with a little bit of tissue paper? And a, the majority of penis owners said that they clean up with a little toilet paper. So Xander was like, shit, I gotta do this.

Yes, that is, that is true. When you just repeated that right now. You know what, what it did make me think though is that I bet a lot of guys are lying. Because hear me out here, our audience on Instagram is like 93%.

Yeah.

Women. So hey, women out there, if you have a man in your life, convince him to follow us so that, you know, we have a little bit more representation from the male.

Grab his phone and follow us.

But here's the thing, you know, like, if you just asked me out of the blue, like, hey, someone on Instagram's asking, like, do you dab your penis, wipe your penis or not after you pee? Like, the guy's gonna be like, oh yeah, yeah, of course I wipe.

Being shamed into it.

Yeah. Like, who's gonna be like, ah, no, I just raw dog that guy back in the pants.

Rod dogged him back into the pants. Wow, you're on fire today. He's feeling himself over here. Okay, so let's move on to the second of the two major concerns that come up with butt stuff, and that is pain. So we asked our Instagram audience, like, are you afraid that anal will hurt? And 85% of people said yes. So let's talk about pain here. So the rectum is very tight and getting penetrated there, especially with something girthy, can feel uncomfortable. And especially if you're new to anal play, you're just figuring this all out. But the bottom line is that anal should not hurt. No form of sex should ever hurt. And we do walk you through again in butt stuff, like, specific steps to make sure that it doesn't hurt. But some of the big mistakes that people often make when they're first experimenting with it that then lead to pain are going straight for penetration. Like a of people just do penis into the butthole right away. Like, that's your first experience with anal play. Or that's like, you know, in your interaction, that's the first thing that you do. And like, that is a big no. No.

Yeah. Or yeah. And, and, or like you go in with like, you, you basically try to replicate the way that you have, you know, vaginal sex in the anus in terms of, like, speed and intensity and. No, don't. Do not do that. We're gonna talk about that.

Yeah, that's the second thing that people. The second big mistake that people make is not going slow enough. You have to go so slow, especially at the beginning.

So, yeah, if you try to do it exactly like the way that you have vaginal intercourse, it will hurt, it will be a bad experience, it's gonna be horrible, and you're never gonna wanna do it again. So just don't do that. It's something new. You have to kind of like think of it as. This is a totally different thing. It's not like, oh, we just swap out the vagina for. Or swap out the anus for the vagina. No, the. Swap the vagina for the anus. Oh, my God. I'm getting this backwards, actually.

I don't know. Swap the anus for the vagina for the vagina.

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

You know what I'm talking about, right?

Both of our brains just broke for a second. Okay. And then the third big mistake that people make is not using lube or not using enough lube. Lube is a non negotiable when it comes to butt Stuff you absolutely must use it and must use, honestly, like, way more than you think, and you.

Must continue to use it reapply or. Yeah, people are like, oh, yeah, I use some lube. And then like, a couple minutes later, like, I just thought it would be fine. Keep going with the lube in the butt.

Full on intercourse.

Full on lube.

Full on lube.

Don't put the lube bottle in, though.

No, we'll get to that in a second.

Or, I mean, the end.

Let's talk about another big question that comes up. Straight men and anal play. So we get a lot of questions about, like, my boyfriend or my husband wants me to touch his butt. Does that make him gay?

Or on the flip side, a lot of guys are going, oh, no, I'm straight. I don't do that.

We actually were just having a conversation with some of our friends, and we were talking about this, and the guy was like, you know, I think I'm too. Like, I have too much internalized homophobia to allow myself to. To explore my butt. So I think this is a huge, huge thing that comes up for so many people. Like, are straight men allowed to enjoy receiving anal play? So we asked our Instagram audience, like, how do you feel about straight men enjoying anal play? I was pretty proud of our responses here. One of the possibilities was no different than anyone else enjoying it, which, spoiler alert is our answer. 57%.

Hey, that's great that there's still a lot, though. There's still a lot of people to convince of this.

So the next response that we gave was, rationally, I think it's okay, but to be honest, I don't really get it. So I kind of wanted to get it, like, more of that nuanced feeling of, like, I think it's okay, but there's just some, like, weird feeling that I have inside about it. That was 32%. And then I phrased this one really purposefully. I've been taught to believe that it's not permissible. That was 11%, so. So let's send it over to you. Xander, as a straight man, can straight men enjoy receiving anal play?

Yes, period. As a very comfortably straight man, I can, and I do enjoy anal play. It's really that simple. First, I want to get into, like, where's this idea even coming from that straight men can't enjoy anal? Right. Like, I think that the idea, the logic kind of goes like this.

This.

Gay men have anal sex. Gay men like anal sex. If I like anal sex or anal play or anything, like the butt. Then I must be gay. Because gay men. Because gay men. Because gay men like anal. Right. I can see, like, the direction of that logic. But, like, let's think about what else do gay men like. Gay men like blowjobs, right?

I think so.

Yeah. So do you like blowjobs as a straight man? I mean, gay men really like blowjobs, right? Like, they love them. Does that make you gay? If you like blowjobs. So, look, there's nothing wrong with being gay. Nothing wrong at all with being gay. And there's nothing wrong with enjoying your butt, being played with, or playing with somebody else's butt.

But, yeah, having, like, having sensation and experiencing pleasure from a certain part of your body. Body stimulated. That doesn't say anything about your orientation.

No, it doesn't say anything about your orientation.

And we're born with nerve endings in your butt.

Yeah.

Like, you're just an objective reality.

Your sexual orientation has to do with how do you feel inside? Who am I attracted to? Like, your sexual orientation is not dependent on what types of sexual activities do I enjoy. Like, the reality is you have nerve endings in your anus, so it's gonna feel good when somebody touches them in the right way. That doesn't make you one way or another way.

Yeah, I mean, you could just completely tear this argument apart with basically any form of sex. Like, gay men like hand jobs. Lesbian women love going down on each other. Lesbian women love fingering each other. Like, we. We just can't divide specific sex acts up based on orientation. And also, just to quickly throw it out there, too.

Like.

Like, not all gay men enjoy anal. Not all. Any. Anybody. Any one group enjoys, you know, any specific thing. So let's just get rid of this outdated and stupid stereotype. Like. Like Xander was saying, absolutely nothing wrong with being gay or however you choose to identify. We are fully, you know, supportive of whatever the hell you choose to identify as.

Yeah. If you like something and you enjoy something, do that thing.

How are to.

Yeah, do that thing if it makes you feel good. Like, that's the important thing. Like, enjoy it wholeheartedly. Don't go off into, like, all these anxieties of, oh, well, who else likes this? Does this make me like them? Or whatever? Like, just you do you.

Yeah.

All right, so maybe you're still a little hesitant. Let's get into the more specific and detailed questions that people.

We got a lot of them.

All right, let's start with this. If I have active hemorrhoids, can I still have anal or do any Kind of anal plot.

Oh, yeah. This question comes up all the time. So we recommend avoiding any sort of anal if you have active hemorrhoids. Because here's the thing, when you have hemorrhoids, your tissues are already inflamed. So any sort of anal play, penetration like that can cause greater irritation, pain, bleeding. There's also a higher risk of STI transmission. So I know that some people have complicated relationships with hemorrhoids. Definitely something to talk to your doctor about and check in with. But in general, if you have them, like, avoid anal play. Not a great time to go back there.

All right, so you actually kind of alluded to this, but people want to know, can you actually orgasm for anal?

So you can orgasm from any kind of physical contact. Like, some people can even have orgasms with zero physical contact. I mean, orgasms are pretty cool. But for the vast majority of people, it's just not really going to be possible to have orgasms from anal alone. For some people, you might be able to. And if you want to explore that, go for it. We definitely have lots of techniques in butt stuff, but just to set expectations for everybody, like, the vast majority of people are not going to be able to. So our recommendation is pairing anal play with some sort of genital stimulation. And we give a ton of techniques in the butt stuff guide, because a lot of people will find that you can orgasm so much harder and so much easier and so much easier and so much, much faster with a little bit of anal play added to the genital stimulation.

So it primes the pump, so to speak.

It does.

It does. Yeah. I mean, I think that, yeah, people will be surprised with, like, you just need a little bit more stimulation. And then, yeah, surprise, surprise, it's happening pretty quick.

It's happening. Okay, let me ask you this question, okay? Do men care about hairy buttholes, holes? We got so many versions of this question from women, so give it to us straight, Xander.

I mean, look, I think the reality is that, like, like any other part of the body, the butthole just.

I just realized in the second that I had a dream about this last night.

Oh, okay. Maybe you should answer this question then.

I had a dream.

I thought. I thought. I thought Vanessa was actually, like, stopping me. Like, we were gonna cut this out, and I was like, oh, she.

She's.

She's still going. Okay.

Oh, my God. I had a dream that, like, I don't know what I was doing, but I, like, looked in a mirror and realized, like, oh, my God, my butt was actually really Hairy. Like, I always thought there were just like a few hairs back there and I'm always telling people, like, oh, it's not that big of a deal, don't worry about it. But it was like hairy, like so much hair. And then I was like, whoa, I didn't realize that this much was back here. So apparently there's some little part of my subconscious that has this fear too.

Well, I've never noticed, babe. Okay, well, I never noticed. Well, look, what I, what I was gonna say, what I was gonna say is that, you know, like pretty much every other part of the body, like the butthole has like some amount of hair or like some amount of hair can grow there. You know, I, I don't think, like nobody has like a ponytail.

It was like a ponytail in my dream.

I was like, ponytail of hair growing.

Holy crap. However, I never noticed there's so much back here.

Yeah, I mean, I, I don't know. I, I don't think I've ever like, noticed butthole hair. So. Yeah, I mean, I, I don't know. I, I, like, I'm saying I don't think that most people don't have hair like overflowing.

I mean, it varies from person to person, but I think overall we can say that there's very, there's pretty little hair back there.

Yeah, there's pretty little hair.

Yeah.

So the, the reality is that your partner may or may not care about out the hair on your butthole. Like, they might not even notice. Like, like me, I, I didn't notice. Well, we pulled our audience on Instagram and the majority of people said that they do not care. In this light, like the vast majority.

I can't remember the number, but it was like 97 or something like that.

Yeah. If you feel really nervous about it, you can always ask your partner if they have a preference. But ultimately it's your body and it's your choice as to what you do with your hair. Like whether you get it waxed or not or whatever ever.

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All right, so the reality here is that vaginal and anal intercourse are totally different experiences. And of course, everyone is going to have their own preferences in the bedroom. But we've never heard of someone trying anal sex and suddenly hating vaginal intercourse. Vaginal intercourse is great. It's different. It's not like a one or the other type of thing.

Let me phrase it to you this way, because I think this is what's lurking behind this question is, you know, as women, as vulva owners, we're taught to be really self conscious about how tight we are.

Oh, yes.

And so it's this feeling of like, you know, and I think we hear a lot about this from women after they've had kids of, like, I feel like I'm loose down there. And, like, isn't the rectum going to be so much tighter? And then. And he'll just think, my vagina is, like, loose and terrible and he can't feel anything.

Well, I mean, my experience with this, yes, the anus is very tight, but it's super tight. And you can't have intercourse in the same way. Like, you need to go really slow. Like, you often, like, can't really even put it all the way in. And so it's a very different experience. And, yeah, it's Tighter. But in my experience, that was also, like, the drawback as well, because it was like, oh, I can't. Like, I can't stimulate myself as much because I'm going much slower.

So it didn't leave you with the feeling of, like, ooh, now the vagina is just so loose, and I can't feel anything.

No, no, not at all. I mean, and another difference is the vagina feels a lot warmer. And yeah, it. You know, it feels warmer. It feels different. Like, it's. It's very. It's very enjoyable. It is cozier. It is much cozier. So, you know, like, if I'm comparing side by side, it's like, it's not quite as tight, but it has a lot of other really nice thing going for it.

That's another sweatshirt idea. Like, the vagina has a lot of really nice things going for it.

Warm and cozy. All faithful. Warm and cozy.

That would be a great sweatshirt. Is like. Is just like, it has a lot of nice things going for it. You don't say.

Say what it is.

But that would be, like, a way for pillow talks listeners to be able to be like, I know what you're talking about. I see your sweatshirt. I get it.

All right, put that down on the merch ideas list. My endless merch getting pretty long now.

I know.

All right, back to you, Vanessa. Is anal sex safe? All right.

Another common question that we get. So I think the first thing that we need to talk about here is that there are people who have some pretty rough and vigorous. Vigorous anal sex. There are lots of things that you can do that can be pretty intense with the butt. And we are a no shame zone. Whatever it is that people want to do with their own bodies, we are totally cool with. And it's also important to acknowledge that if you do really intense activity in a part of your body that is pretty sensitive, you can have some impacts from it.

Yeah, I mean, if you do any kind of intense activity, like, if you do really intense workouts, there are some safety things to keep in mind.

So all forms of sex come with some amount of risk and different kinds of risk, and it's up to each of us individually to figure out which activities we feel comfortable taking that risk with. So, again, like, we're just really trying to give it to you straight here. So that's why I wanted to start off with that. But I will say, you know, especially the techniques that we share in butt stuff, we're really trying to make this feel like a safe, pleasurable, non Intimidating experience. So you're not going to cause any sort of damage from doing these kinds of techniques?

Yeah. The way that we suggest you do it is about the safest way that you possibly can.

So the guide's really emphasizing safety.

Yeah, like one more reason to follow our advice and not just like, I'm going to watch a video online. How about it? Like, please don't, please don't do that.

So the vast majority of medical providers and researchers completely agree that anal sex is safe too. So that's just another thing to throw out there.

All right, now what about this one? I tried it in the past during a wild drunken night with my partner. I think a lot of people can relate with this.

You get up the courage first time in a play.

Oh, that courage is here and now. Hey, let's try it. But it was painful. Should I actually try it again? I'm very hesitant after that bad experience.

Okay. So this is exactly why preparation is so important. You have to know what you're doing. You have to follow the steps that we lay out for you in butt stuff. Otherwise you really do risk the potential for pain and for having this negative experience that makes you say, like, I don't ever want to do this again. So it might not be that full anal. Full on anal intercourse in your anus. Full on intercourse in your anus might not.

Like, I like the repeat of anal. That's good.

Full on intercourse in my anus might not be the thing for you, but there are also plenty of ways to, to stimulate the anus externally versus the rectum internally. You were actually, your whole line was technically incorrect.

Oh no.

It passes through the anus into the rectum.

Oh man. Are we going to have to re record the whole episode now?

Full on intercourse passing through my anus into my rectum.

Yeah, full on intercourse from the anus to the rectum.

So yeah, you, you can do external stimulation if it just feels like, feels like, you know, penetration isn't the thing for me. But if you, your one and only experience with penetration was when you were drunk or unprepared, then I think it's worth another try. But that's your decision to make.

Yeah. And I mean, I would also highly recommend that you try it when you are sober because when you are inebriated on anything, like sometimes, you know, our, we're not working with our full faculties. Our judgment isn't always is the best sometimes, you know, we think we're going really slow and we're not or we forget and skip a couple Important steps. So yeah, it generally, you know, we hear from a lot of people that have a negative experience because, you know, they were a bit inebriated.

Yeah.

And yeah, we recommend do it sober, follow the steps and enjoy because yeah.

We did one more poll on Instagram and we asked of the people who had tried any form of anal play, did you feel prepared for it? Did you feel like you knew what you were doing, you had the tools and resources and 65% of people said that they felt unprepared. So I am guessing that a lot of people have had negative first time experiences just like this question.

And that's really why we recorded this podcast and especially why we created our butt Stuff guide. Because we want you to feel prepared, we want you to feel excited, we want you to have that anticipation. So. So in the guide.

And a good experience.

Yeah, yeah, oh, of course. And a really pleasurable experience. Like, so what we do in the guide is we give you like a really full step by step breakdown of the ins and outs and the behinds of butt stuff, the around the corners and the behind the scenes, you know, so that's like all of our best tips, our best technique, techniques, positions for every body type, every experience level.

And just detail.

Yeah, just so much detail. So many options. Like we were, we've been saying, you know, before that there's so much more to anal play than just full on intercourse in your anus. I'm just going to keep saying it even though now I know in my anus, even though it's incorrect now. So yeah, I mean the guide has got you covered. Whether you want to be using toys, toys, fingers, a penis, whether you're just beginning or like you're looking for more advanced tips as your exploration grows.

Oh, we've got a lot of advanced tips.

Our guide grows with you. And not only that, but it is really tastefully illustrated. The, the key word here is illustrated, not like photographs or pictures, but illustrations. They're very tasteful. We're really proud of them. Those illustrations really help, like, help walk you through every last detail so that you know what to do, you can see what to do so you, you know, you feel like you are totally prepared from that initial preparation all the way through to the aftercare after the deed is done. And like all of our guides, you get lifetime access to it. You can peek at it anytime you want to explore any of your, your old favorite tips and ideas. You want to try something new or you want to get a quick refresher.

You want it to grow with you.

Yeah, let us grow with you. I like that line.

Let us grow with you.

Yeah. Oh, let us grow larger with you. Okay, maybe too far.

Yeah, it's a little too far.

We'll just grow with you.

We'll grow with you. We also very frequently get asked, how do I talk to my partner about trying it? Like, I really want to, but my partner seems a bit more hesitant. So we also have a free guide that we are going to give to you. So regardless of if you want to sign up for butt stuff or not, we have a free guide that we will link in the show notes that will walk you through how to talk about exploring butt stuff with your partner. Like, how to bring it up, how to share your curiosities in a way that still feels like open and supportive to your partner. And we have tons of specific examples of exactly what to say in the guide. So we will link to that in the show notes. Because here's the thing, at the end of the day, actually, this is our final poll. I misspoke. Earlier, we asked people on Instagram, like, are you glad that you tried butt stuff? And 70% of people said that they are. The majority of them said that they really enjoyed it, and the others were people who had felt unprepared before and didn't wind up having the greatest experience. So, you know, I think it's just. It's really something that's worth exploring again. Even if it's just the one and only time you do it, it's definitely worth. Worth taking a little trip back door seeing what the experience is like for you. So we hope we've left you with the curiosity and the excitement to go explore backdoor.

All right, well, that is it for our butt stuff. Re air. Hope you loved it. And remember, check out the show notes for links to grab butt stuff and Dirty Talk 101 before they disappear forever, or just join us in deeper and get them and a number of other things as well.