Episode 21: Cowgirls And Doggies And [Redacted], Oh My! Your Guide To Trying New Sex Positions

Yeah, I am not enjoying the sex that we're having. I don't like these three standby positions that we have, but I just get in the habit of it and I don't know how to actually do something different. Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with 20 years.

Of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

So make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. You already know that trying new sex positions in the bedroom is one of the best ways to keep your sex life feeling fresh and new and exciting.

Keep it spicy.

Yes, very spicy. Here's my question to you. Why aren't you doing it?

Ooh, we're getting real today. We're coming in hot.

We are coming in hot. So we asked our Instagram audience, we said, when you have intercourse, do you typically do the same positions or do you frequently mix it up? And 74% of people said that they do the exact same positions over and over and over again.

And maybe this isn't a big deal if for you, the same positions is like 15 that you cycle through. But we had a suspicion that this was probably not what was going on for most people.

So we asked, how many positions are in your regular rotation? And we gave four options. One position, two to three, four to six, and six plus. And so here were our results. By far and away, the most common response with 71% of people was 2 to 3. So there are 71% of people out there who have like two or three standby positions. That's all they ever do. After that, the next most common one at only 22%. So a huge gap, like 71 down to 22%. So 22% of people said they have about four to six. Five percent of people said one. They're one old standby. And I bet you you can guess what that one position is.

Doggy style.

No, definitely not.

Old faithful missionary. Hey, I don't want to knock too much on missionary. Missionary is a great position. There is a reason why it is the old faithful sex position. However, we may challenge you to spice it up a little bit in this podcast.

And then our smallest number at only 2% was more than six positions. We asked people, you know, do you feel shy about trying new sex positions? We're trying to get a sense of why are people not doing new sex positions.

Yeah, why are most people doing just two to three? Those are the only two to three that they ever do.

54% of people said, yes, they do feel shy about trying new sex positions. So we decided, let's drill in even more. Let's get a better sense of like, what is it that's preventing people from trying new sex positions Positions. By far and away, the number one response, a lack of experience. People said, I just don't know what to do. I don't even know what the positions are. I'm worried I won't be good at it. I don't want to look like an idiot. I don't know how to. And a lot of people also mentioned just kind of like a lack of imagination or creativity that was really closely tied into this. This feeling of like, yeah, I just don't even know what the options are. Like, how do I find new positions that actually are doable and are going to feel good for? The number two response was the sense of like ruining the moment or it feeling awkward. So the sense of like, ah, I don't want to like, stop what we're doing and like, how do I actually make that transition? It just feels really weird. Do I suggest it in the moment? Do I suggest it beforehand? Lots of feelings of, it just spoils the mood.

So better, better to stick with what you know.

The next most common response was habit or, or boredom. So a lot of people said, you know, I don't even feel the motivation to try new things, even though I am super bored. And so that was a really interesting dynamic to see surface over and over again in these responses. People saying, yeah, I am not enjoying the sex that we're having. I don't like these three standby positions that we have, but I just get in the habit of it and I don't know how to actually do something different.

Some other responses that people had that were pretty common were feeling unsure if they would like a new position. So don't even try because you're not sure that you'll like, might be horrible pain or discomfort. I think that's a very real one. If sex is feeling painful or if you've maybe tried a position before and it didn't feel good, that's a pretty good reason to maybe not try it again. And then there's the guy losing his erection. This is a totally under understandable one. Probably A lot of people have been in this situation before, and this one plays into a lot of other ones, like ruining the moment. I think a lot of people have had this experience of they tried something new. It didn't quite work. He lost his erection, or you lost your erection, depending on who's listening. And then it kind of felt like, oh, God, this is an icky situation. I just want to avoid this for sure. And then also people saying, I only orgasm in one position, so I'm just gonna stick with that.

We also got a lot of responses about how I look or my partner seeing me in an unflattering position. A lot of people mentioned their weight, and it was interesting for me, reading through these responses, there was this kind of subtext in these responses. People who felt like they weighed more or they were in a bigger body, it was as if they felt like they don't deserve to do more positions. Like, people kept kind of using that as, like, they felt the need to apologize for themselves. Like, you know, well, I'm so much larger and my partner's a really small man, or, you know, I just look too fat, my butt jiggles, I'm too heavy. It's really this feeling of my body doesn't deserve to do these positions.

It's almost like, oh, that's what other people do. That's for other people. It's not for me.

Yeah. In this episode, we are going to help you get comfortable introducing new sex positions into your routine, because we really do believe that that sex positions can be such a fun way to spice things up in the bedroom. It's not the only way, but it definitely can be a lot of fun to explore. So we decided that we would help out by really troubleshooting some of the common challenges that come up when it comes to actually trying out new sex positions.

But before we get into that, we are going to give you the review of the week. So good. Vanessa and Xander are phenomenal. They're so down to earth, are amazing at giving tangible advice that you can start implementing to improve your life and relationships asap. They make me laugh every day, and I seriously look forward to catching up with them on the podcast each week and their Insta stories every day. Now we have some emojis. I didn't zoom my laptop screen in the way I usually do, so I'm doing that now. Oh, yeah. Sort of kiss party star eyes. This is like maybe a meta loss, kissy face, part kiss celebration, and then just in awe. What do you think of our podcast?

Yeah, that's pretty good. Okay. I think you did pretty well. All right. And just a little reminder, we are doing a giveaway every single week with these reviews. We appreciate you leaving the reviews so much. It helps the podcast grow. It helps us reach more people. All you need to do is leave us a review on Apple every single week. We pick a winner, and if you are chosen as a review of the week, you can DM us on Instagram @VanessaMarin Therapy. Send us a question, let us know what your current situation is, and we will give you a mini coaching session from the two of us. Once you submit your review, you are entered to win every single week. It's just our little way of saying thank you.

Thank you so much to this person. You got some free coaching. DM us.

All right, so let's get into it. The first question that we want to answer is one that we got quite a lot, and it was, well, but do I have to try new sex positions?

Do I have to?

Do I have to? Yes, you do. Xander and I are going to hunt you down. If you're only doing one position, we're going to come to your door and get angry at you. Yeah. So we. We got a lot of responses along the lines of, one person said, we found the positions that feel best for both of us, so we stick to those. Is that normal or okay? Another person said, how important is it? I think people get so amped on it that I feel boring if I like missionary.

Yeah, I think this is really interesting. I think my short way of answering this question is for the very first person that said, you know, we have the positions that we both like. We stick to that. Hey, if you guys have had an open conversation about this, you've both been really clear, like, this is our repertoire. Are we happy with that? Do we have a reason why we don't like to try other positions? Are we really happy doing what we're doing? And you guys stay in communication on that over time because needs and desires do change over time. That is totally fine. You are both happy. You've both been honest and clear and open about that. More power to you.

You know, it makes me think of a food example. I feel like 95% of our metaphors are food examples, but it's sort of like going to the same restaurant and ordering the same thing over and over again, where you're like, I know that I love this lasagna. Like, this is such a good lasagna. I always enjoy it. It always comes out good. I keep ordering it like, that's totally fine. You are well within your rights to keep ordering and enjoying that lasagna. And I think sometimes it can be fun to, like, order something different. Oh, I wonder if the pizza is any good here. I can speak for myself in saying, I have definitely gotten into that habit of I always order the same thing because it's so good. And then every once in a while, I'm like, you know what? Let me try this instead. And then it often ends up being better.

Or. Or on the flip side, it's not as good. And you're like, okay, well, that was good. And then you come back next week and you get that lasagna, and it sucks.

This lasagna is good.

It's so good. So even if you like everything that you do, switching it up a bit can give you a newfound appreciation for what you do do. Because, you know, earlier on, Vanessa was talking about boredom. It is so easy to get bored of something, and after a certain point, you just are like, you forget that you even have the option to try other stuff. And it's like, well, this is what I always do. I couldn't possibly change.

Yeah, exactly. And I think the great thing about sex positions, too, is you can try multiple sex positions. It's not like you're only locked into, oh, I can just have the missionary tonight, nothing else. You know, if you go to a restaurant and you're just ordering multiple dishes, sometimes we do that. We go and order a ton of food, and we're like, we're just going to bring it home for leftovers. And it's fun to get to try more things. You have the option to try multiple things and to also do your old favorite standbys as well for the second person.

That was kind of saying, like, people get so amped on trying new positions, and I feel boring if I like missionary. If you do have that conversation with your partner and if you're more like the first person and you're like, hey, you know what? We're going to have this conversation. We're going to check in about it every now and then. Right now, we are both totally good with missionary. I have a feeling that you're not going to be feeling boring or judged by this idea that, oh, everyone else is doing more positions because you're happy with what you're doing and you are on the same page with your partner. On the flip side, I do think that there is a dynamic seeing certain people out there that are like, yeah, do all the sex positions, and you just Think, oh, my God, like, these people just want to do, like, every single position. Every time we have sex, it's got to be totally different. And so then you swing in the opposite way and you go, no, I don't want to mess with that. I just want to do, like, my one or two positions. Don't look at people that do, like, 50 positions and be like, well, I couldn't possibly do that, so therefore, I'll do one.

Yeah. And also, I think one final point to make around this is that it's okay to, like, the old standby positions. Like, you're not a boring person if you like missionary. And actually, we'll get to this in a minute. But there are some ways to make missionary even more fun. There isn't a hierarchy here that, like, oh, well, if you have three of your limbs up in the air, you're doing a better sex position than missionary or anything like that. All positions have their upsides, their downsides. There's nothing, like, better about trying more or trying different ones. So let's get into one of the biggest challenges that comes up for people. How to talk about sex positions.

Yeah. Because you might have heard what I said earlier and been like, wait, you're saying that I need to go talk to my partner and be like, are you cool with the fact that we just do two positions? That might sound like a tall order.

And I think a lot of people brought up logistical questions around this, too. They're like, well, do I just, like, suggest a new position in the moment? Do I tell my partner before beforehand? Like, do we decide what the position is beforehand? Like, it did bring up a lot of technical questions. We want to say a few things about talking about this with your partner. So first of all, we do recommend that you talk about it beforehand, because talking about it in the moment is most likely just going to make your partner kind of freeze up. I'm sure most of us have had the experience of you're, like, having intercourse, and your partner's like, what position do you want to do next? And you just freeze. You're like, I don't know. Like, I literally can't think of a single position in that moment.

Yeah. And, like, that's the type of thing I think that leads to these feelings of ruining the moment or maybe leads to, like, losing erections and stuff is like, feeling kind of, like, off your game, discombobulated in the moment. Because there's nothing sexy about that.

Yeah, absolutely.

So there are ways. There are other ways to do it.

So it's going to be much easier, much less intimidating for both of you if you talk about it before, beforehand, and you pick some positions that you want to try. So that way, in the moment, you know what to do instead of having this fumbling, like, I don't know, like, this position's great, I don't care kind of thing, or you go back and forth with it, like, I don't know, what position do you want to do? I don't know. I asked you first. Identify beforehand some positions that you and your partner would like to try. Now, the thing with bringing this up with your partner, a lot of people get really freaked out about this. You can definitely frame wanting to try new positions in a positive way. So I think with so much of sexual feedback, when we think about giving feedback to our partner, the way that we hear it in our heads is as if we're telling our partner, like, you are terrible at sex and I hate sex, and I need to do something different because you're so bad. Of course, if you were to say something like that to your partner, it's going to hurt their feelings. You're going to feel like a jerk. It's not going to help anything. But that is not the way to give sexual feedback or to make requests. So instead of saying something like, you know, missionary is so boring. We have to mix it up or I'm gonna lose my mind. What you could say to your partner is something like, hey, you know, I stumbled upon this new sex position today that we've never tried. It looked really sexy and fun. Like, what do you say we try it tonight? Obviously, that's way more appealing. Like, that sounds fun and enticing.

You were walking down the street and you just stumbled. Stumbled into a sex position.

Yeah, absolutely. They're just walking down the street all the time.

Gotta catch them all.

No, you could say something like, you know, I saw an article about it online, or my friend was telling me about it, or, I had a dream about it. That's one of our favorite tricks. The other thing about saying a position beforehand is it kind of gives you guys a little bit of something to look forward to. It can build a little bit of anticipation of like, ooh, let's try this out tonight.

Yeah, you could even talk about, like, oh, how are we going to do it? Yeah, how is that going to work? How our body's going to fit together? Are we going to get into this position? How are we going to get. What position will work well after this? Exactly.

It gives you an opportunity to Kind of hammer out the logistics beforehand rather than being in the moment naked, trying to figure out like, wait, hold on, my arm goes where? And wait, what goes? You know, like you get to figure it out beforehand. And if you just have no clue, like where to find new sex positions, what those options are because you're not.

Going to see stumble upon them on the street. I hate to break it. Yes.

Then we definitely encourage you to check out our sex position playbook. We have 42 different positions in there that have been tested, approved. They actually work. They're not just.

It was real hard work. All testing.

Xander really suffered to create this.

So did Vanessa. Just nights, days and nights testing.

So we'll put the link to check that out in the show notes. It is such a great resource if you're somebody who wants to explore more positions. Just hasn't been able to really, like, find good ones in the past before. You just want some creativity and inspiration.

Yeah. And I think this is just a huge thing that plays into the fear of losing erections. I can just talk about this a little bit because I'm a man. I have been there myself. When you are in the moment, it is not hard to maintain an erection. When you're having sex and it's feeling good. The moment you start to feel uncertain about things or you're moving around, there's no more stimulation anymore. It can very quickly go away. And then it becomes much harder to get back.

Yeah.

And so being prepared, having an idea of what you want to do, it is much easier to maintain an erection when you are turned on and generally relaxed. Because the reality is with erections, you can lose an erection so fast. And that's like an evolutionary thing. Back in the day, having sex and then like someone comes to attack you, like you're not going to defend yourself very well. Like swinging around a boner, like, you.

Know, or like swinging the sword, not a boner.

Oh, there you go. Look. Maybe you've had this experience as a guy or, you know, as a partner to a guy with an erection. Maybe back in the day when you're still living with your parents or in college, like you're having sex. Someone knocks on the door.

Oh, how.

How quick does that erection go away? It's like.

Does it make that sound too?

Yeah. See ya. Was it I'm too fast for you?

Boy, you get memes wrong all the time.

I screw that one up. I knew. I knew I was gonna screw it up.

I'm fast as fuck, boy. Fast as fuck, boy. I'm Fast as fuck, boy. We're gonna need our podcast engineer to put in that. All right.

I hope you know what I'm talking about.

Fast as fuck, boy. Still fast as fuck, boy. Come get some. I'm fast as fuck boy. Somebody on Instagram said I'm really nervous about trying some, like, wild and acrobatic positions. And I think that this is such a big issue that comes up for so many people as you think about trying new sex positions and you think of these wild, over the top, really complicated. It's like playing Twister. You have to be super flexible.

Oh, yeah, we know all about these because Vanessa. Vanessa likes to purchase sex positions guides. You know, we only recently created our sex positions playbook, and it came out of seeing all of these horrible, horrible guides that were out there in the world because, like, 90% of the positions in these other guides, they are just not going to happen.

Physically.

Physically, they are impossible. There's pictures, but of course they're, like, clothed. They may be, like, looking like they're naked. They're not actually having sex. And you see it and it's like, there's. How there's no body. Doesn't. My erect penis does not bend in that direction. Like, it doesn't go down. I'm sorry. It just doesn't.

And then loop back around. Actually, if you want a good laugh today, go to our Instagram Vanessa Marin Therapy. We have a highlight called Funny 2. And towards the end of that highlight, we actually acted out some of the worst positions from this book. And I have never laughed harder in my entire life than when we did that.

We were fully close, by the way.

We were fully closed. I almost peed on myself, like, multiple times. It was hysterical trying to do these. So definitely go check that out in the Funny two highlight.

Yeah. So then, you know, the problem is, like, 90% of the positions are ridiculous, which means only 10% of them are feasible. And they're probably already the ones that you know or have tried before. But that's not the case with ours, right?

Definitely not. So our sex positions playbook, it's not full of a ton of different acrobatic, really challenging positions.

There are no acrobatic positions. Really. There's like, maybe three that were like, if you want a challenge.

Yeah, we specifically said, if you want a challenge. Here are, like, two or three that you could try. But the vast majority of the 42, they're very thoughtfully curated to be doable. We have them in different categories based on different needs. Deeper penetration, female orgasm, Pregnancy, all kinds of different stuff. So there is something for everybody in there. But the point that we want to make, regardless of if you check out the sex positions playbook or not, you can start small with sex positions. The really cool thing about sex positions, you can change the position of one of your limbs or you could put a pillow under your butt.

Yeah. Shift your weight to one side.

Exactly. Like, small changes like this actually can make the sensation feel a lot different. And this is such a great way to ease your way into trying new ones. If you're feeling nervous or if you're kind of shy about it, you don't have to even try a brand new position that you've never done before, for it could be just making little changes to the ones that you already know that you like. Don't get ahead of yourself. Don't put all this pressure on yourself. Just start making those little changes. You'll notice the sensations start to feel different. You'll get some confidence and some courage and some, like, motivation built up once you start doing that. And then that will help you move on to trying more complicated positions.

Yeah. And I think this is such a good way to, to change your perception of yourself. If you're one of those people, they're like, oh, I just don't like trying new positions. Or like, I just like my one or two. Or like, I had a really negative experience once. This can be the way that you really build a habit of like, oh, I actually do like new things. I am interested in trying other stuff. Oh, instead of putting my weight on both arms, I'm going to try to shift my weight to one arm and onto my side a little more and like, try that for a minute. Then I'm going to like, push up and try that for a minute. And it's like each time you do that, it feels different. It feels different for you, it feels different for your partner. And that's like all the positive feedback that you need to be like, oh, yeah, like, I actually can do something a little different. And then the next time it's like, oh, maybe I could try something a little more different.

And I think this also addresses that hesitation that we talked about earlier about people saying, like, I just feel like I have a lack of imagination. I'm not sure what to do. If you're thinking about it as just like, what's a small change that I could make? What's the way I could shift my weight or move a limb or change the angle. That feels much more manageable. It feels like you can have more creativity around that than like, oh, let me think of a brand new position that I've never ever done before.

Yeah, I mean, I think a lot of people get the idea totally wrong about this because, like, what they see in porn is like these wildly different and acrobatic positions. They're trying to make it look very, very different. But for us, like, day to day people, no one is watching. So it's not about, like, does it look different? It's about, does it feel different? Like, how do we switch up the sensation a little bit? And you don't need to do some crazy acrobatic thing for the sensation to be different. You can just do the smallest little shift in your weight. So the important thing is just checking in about it with each other. Like, hey, does this feel good? Like, how is this different? Oh, what if I try moving this way or shifting my weight that way? That is the important thing. It's not, oh, does this look totally different? No one is coming in to check on you.

Exactly. All right, let's move on to talking about feedback. A bunch of, again, logistical questions came up around this. People were saying, like, how are we supposed to talk about the positions? Or, like, give feedback about the positions? And I think this loops back around to the concern that people had around, like, well, what if I don't like it? You know, I don't really want to try a new position because I don't know if I like it or not. And I want to address that objection first. This ties into sexual perfectionism. You know, we all want things to be perfect, perfect in the bedroom for every little second to just unfold perfectly and naturally and spontaneously. And the reality is you're going to have sex positions that you love. You're going to have sex positions that you're fine with, and you're going to have sex positions that you don't like.

And your partner may have a different set of positions in their love column. Like, your part, you might find in trying new ones that your partner just absolutely loves this one position. And for you it's just okay. And so we can do this sometimes because I love seeing my partner just absolutely loving this. And like, that brings me pleasure as well. Like, it is okay for me. And I'm watching them, like, really enjoy themselves. And then we can switch to one that's like, really awesome for me and maybe just okay for them.

Yeah. And the other point that I really want to make when we try anything new, like sex position, something related to sex, something completely unrelated to sex. I know, right? I'm like desperately trying to think of a non food example.

Whatever. Food is such a good comparison. It's like we have to eat to survive. We have to eat to survive. We could, I don't know, we could eat the same thing every day. It probably won't kill us. But one day you might be like, shit, I am so bored of this lasagna.

So the reality is though, that like, whenever we try something new, we cannot know ahead of time if we're gonna like that thing or not. So even the very first time you went to your favorite restaurant, your now favorite restaurant, and you ordered lasagn for the very first time, you didn't know you were going to like that lasagna. And now it's your favorite thing and you don't order anything else because you like it so much. Right. We just have to get this idea into our heads. Trying something doesn't mean we will like it. We have to normalize that. We have to accept it. We have to be okay with it, because that's what's going to give us the permission to explore and experiment and try new things.

I think also it's really easy to get in your head about positions and look at positions in this very rigid way. I do it exactly like I see in the picture. That's how we have to do it. And there's like no way to move it around or like to make it work for me. And so I think that we get this idea in our head that it's like, if you try this position and within the first 10 seconds you're not loving it, then you're like, oh, my God. Like, I don't want to have to say like, oh, this isn't working for me because my partner's going to hear, I hate this, it's no good.

Yeah.

Or something like that. But the reality is, no, you get into a position, there's always a ton of little variations you can make. You can shift your weight, you can try to change the angle of penetration a little bit. So instead of it being like, oh, God, I hate this, it could be like, like, let's see how we can make this work for us a little better, you know? Oh. Like, I'm not like, oh, can we try to get a little more like, stimulation, you know, on this part or move it this way?

Yeah. And if you're even feeling lost about, like, well, I just don't know what these adjustments are to make. Then again, the sex position playbook has your. We have really, really specific details for every single position about how to get into the position, exactly how to move in the position, adjustments to make, ways to make it work for your own body, and even how to get out of the position and transition into other positions.

Yeah. So in reality, it's, like, way more than 42 positions, because within each one, there's, like, how to vary it. Like adjustments to make, variations to make.

Exactly. Yeah. There are, like, a ton of variations on each one. But I think that when it comes to, like, giving feedback with positions in a funny sort of way, it's easier to give feedback about positions in particular because you can kind of, like, blame it on the position. Oh, I didn't really love that position. Or, you know, that position wasn't really doing it for me. Or this position creates a much better angle for me than this position does. So you're removing it from yourselves. It's not like, oh, yeah, I hated what you were just doing to me. It's like, no, that position, this. Just not doing it for me.

Yeah. And actually, I really liked the way you kind of made the positive comparison first. Like, oh, you know, I really like the angle of penetration on the last position better than this one. Because then you're not saying, I hate this position. I hate what you're doing to me in that position. Like, you know, it's just like, oh, you know, I liked this better. And that opens up the door to be like, oh, what could we do in this position to make it feel more like what I was feeling in the last one?

Yeah. So whenever we talk about feedback, we always recommend that you start. Start with something positive first. I was just kind of running through those examples, but in reality, like, when you give that feedback, you want to say, like, the angle of this one is so much better for me than this one.

Yeah.

Because that makes it. You're focusing on the positive. You're making your partner feel good. Both of you are feeling good. Rather than. Yeah, that's another one that sucks too, you know?

Yeah. Unless, of course, it is feeling painful or uncomfortable in that case, like, don't. Don't be racking your brain, like, oh, what's a positive piece of feedback I could give on? Oh, ow, ow, ow. Don't do that. If it's painful, you should just say, nope, undo. Going back to the last one.

Yeah. So another really logistical question that we got is, like, how do I tell my partner a position isn't working for me without ruining the mood? So we have a super simple, straightforward suggestion here. Suggest A position that, you know does work. Just random examples here. Let's say you're trying doggy style. You're just not loving it. Rather than telling your partner, like, I hate this. This position sucks.

Figure out something new.

Yeah. Tell your partner, hey, let me get on top instead. Let me get on top right now. You don't even have to make any sort of comparison to it. It's just moving ahead to something positive that, you know will work.

I. I can't think of the number of times we get into a new position, do it for, like, 10 seconds, and then, like, go right back to the one that we were doing before or into a different one if one of us isn't feeling it. Because the reality is, it's not like, you find a position that works for you and that works 100% of the time, at least for me. Sometimes when we're having sex, like, one position that I don't usually love all of a sudden feels really great. And then, like, one that I is kind of like, my old standby is like, huh. I'm, like, not getting that much feeling or as much feeling as I usually do. And I don't think there's any shame in being like, I usually like this, but today it's not working. Let's just move on. Like, there's nothing awkward about that. Like, the point of having sex is that it is feeling really good to both of you. If you're on the same page about that's what we're after in doing this, then it shouldn't feel so hard to be like, oh, God, I'm gonna screw everything up if I ask to change. It's just like, hey, you know, like, let's get into a really awesome one.

Yeah. And again, you don't have to say anything negative about the past position. Just say something positive about the next one. If we're having sex, and it. It's, like, even feeling awkward and kind of weird. And Xander says to me, like, let me get on top right now. Like, he can say it in a sexy voice. Like, I'm like, oh, yeah, let's go. You know, get up there.

Let me get on top, babe.

Don't do it in that voice, please. You know? But it can make it feel really sexy and enticing in that moment instead of like, oh, gosh, we suck at positions. We ruined this one fail yet again. Just, like, get over here, you know? All right, let's talk about another category of troubleshooting questions that we got, which is around orgasm. So we had A lot of people say, is it common to only be able to finish in one position? There's only one position that works for me.

Do you think this is mostly a female issue? Yeah, I think the erection stuff obvious. Obviously the erection stuff is mostly in male issue, a penis owner issue. But you know, what I mean is, like, this idea of, like, oh, the mood is gonna get ruined. I have a strong suspicion that whether it is a man or a woman saying, I'm worried the mood will get ruined. It came from an experience of a lost erection making it feel like the mood got ruined.

Yeah. So we got a lot of questions about, yeah, is it okay for me to only finish in one position? And kind of looping back around to the question of, like, do I even have to try other people positions? A lot of people said, you know, if I can only ever come in one, why should I try the others? Obviously, we are really big fans of orgasm. We have finishing school, an entire course that teaches women how to have orgasms whenever they want them. But I do think that people get so fixated on orgasm that it really gets in the way of enjoying the rest of the sexual encounter. The reality is an orgasm lasts for 2 to 20 seconds. Typically, it shouldn't be this way, but for most of us, an orgasm comes at the end of an interaction. And so we've got that whole other rest of the interaction. It's great if you have a position that always works for you. It's your old standby, you know, you can get there every single time. That's awesome. And you still have tons of other time to explore other positions. So I don't think that we have to look at positions as, like, I can only be in the ones that cause the absolute maximum sensation and orgasm, like, the whole time, you know?

Yeah, just. Just like, you can't be like, we can never change positions because then there's the slightest risk that the erection might get lost.

Yeah. I mean, I think part of the fun of exploring different sex positions is that each one has its own unique flavor. Back to the food. I swear I'm not hungry. I just ate. But I am. But we can go from, like, something that feels really intense and animalistic and passionate, then to something that feels, like, sweeter and kind of romantic. We're taking a little bit of a pause in it. Then we go to one that's, like, really pleasurable and, like, wild. And then we go to one that we're kind of being silly and playful and goofy. Like, you can have this whole experience that unfolds different experiences that you're having different flavors that you're tasting, tasting, rather than like, oh, here's my one standby that I'll just ride all the way to an orgasm.

Yeah. I also, I have a suspicion that if you have one position that you know works for you, that you feel confident that you can achieve orgasm in that position. Well, first of all, I want to say that's awesome. That's great. You know, you do this, you're going to have an orgasm. My suspicion, though, is that maybe you won't, or right now you don't have that confidence that you can orgasm in another position. But I do suspect if you spend five or ten minutes playing around with other positions and things are still feeling okay to good, by the time you get back into that position that you know works really well for you, you probably are going to have an orgasm a lot quicker because you've like built up a level of stimulation.

And I also want to point out you can learn how to orgasm in other positions too. You know, a lot of people, we do have like that one standby that always works for us, but that doesn't mean that that's the only position that your body is capable of orgasming in.

However, you can only orgasm in one position if you only allow yourself to have sex in that position.

Exactly.

There's a zero percent chance, you know, you miss all the shots you don't take.

Exactly. All right. So we hope that that gives you the courage, the inspiration, and the motivation to try out new sex positions. It really can be such a fun way to play around in the bedroom, except explore new sides of your connection, new flavors of sex. And, you know, if you have already some ideas of new positions that you want to try out, then that is awesome.

Stop listening. Go try.

Go try right now. But if you are like most people and you love a little inspiration, then we definitely encourage you to check out our sex positions playbook. Like we were saying before, it includes 42 different positions. It's very tastefully illustrated.

Yes.

Unlike the really creepy weird pictures that are in all the books that I have. And it really takes you step by step through the entire process of trying sex positions, including ways to communicate with each other. We have categories about like, what each position is best for, like, lasting longer, Relaxing sex, romantic sex, animalistic sex. Got those step by step instructions for how to get in and out of them, exactly. How to move, ways to make adjustments to them, play around with the positions and, and ways to transition to.

And we also have some really good information on how to get prepared to do new positions in the first place. We have a really, really, really good pro tip to get you, both of you, feeling more comfortable and ready so that you know exactly what to do in the moment.

It's a game changer, too.

Oh, yeah.

And finally, we have adventures included in it as well, which are a specific.

Pray tell, what are the adventures?

They're different combinations of positions based on different moods. So if you really stress out about, like, how do I transition in between positions, what position, like, can easily transition into the next one. We have all these really fun adventures, which are for, like, things like, you know, a quickie when you're worried that the kids are gonna wake up soon or a night of romance. We have a wild card journey. We have the, like, best positions for female orgasm. So it's really fun to, like, just. Just have a specific blueprint that you can follow.

What about. I'm feeling a little saucy. It's a spring afternoon, and it's my birthday next week. Do you have one for that?

I don't think we do.

Get ready for my birthday sex, but not birthday sex.

We don't have that adventure.

But we.

We just released this recently, and we've already had requests for more adventures, so maybe we will add that to our updated version.

Yeah, no, with all of our courses and digital products. Like, if you purchase one now and we make updates to it in the future, you get all the updates to it. Unless it's, like, a totally different version. So, yeah, in this case, if we ever add a couple more adventures, the one I just described, you know, my. It's almost my birthday, but not quite birthday sex. You'll get that. If that's, like, gonna put you over the edge to checking out the playbook, then you should do it, actually.

Come over to Instagram Vanessa Marin therapy and let us know what kind of adventure would you like to see?

We'll brainstorm. We'll. We'll tirelessly test out positions until we nail that nail that position.

That exact combination.

Oh, nail it. That was good. Nailed it.

All right, well, that is it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening, and join us. Join us again next week when we talk about a very requested topic, sexual shame, and how to not pass it on to your kids.

Ooh, this is gonna be a big one.

Yeah. I'm really excited about this one. I think pretty much all of us struggle with shame in one way or another, and a lot of people who have kids, you know, they recognize, like, I wanna do things differently. You know, I don't want my kids growing up with the same shame and embarrassment I grew up with. But I don't, like, have the tools how to do it. Exactly. So we're really excited to bring that episode to you next week. All right, thanks for listening.

See you next week.