Episode 25: Are You Too Needy?

Is it needy or is it just a need? You know, like, there's a way that we're really putting this judgment onto it when we just. We add that little why, and all of a sudden it becomes very judgy. So it's like asking ourselves, is it just that I'm wanting something, or I could use help with something, or something sounds good to me. Or is it crossing that line into neediness where it's asking somebody more to validate your wor? Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Zander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. When you think of the word needy, what do you think of? It's probably the last thing you would ever want to be described as. Right. There's nothing positive about being needy.

Yeah. No one's like, oh, you're being so needy right now. I love it.

I just wish I was more needy. Like, there's actually a lot of shame that comes up around needy. Like, it usually is used as an insult. People feel really bad about it, or we feel really self conscious, like, oh, I don't want to be needy. Right.

Yeah. It's like this thing that we all have this idea of what it is, but, like, do we really know what it is?

Yeah. What does it mean to be needy? I think a simple definition of neediness is this belief you're not able to see your own worth, so you depend on other people in your life to make you feel better about yourself or to make you feel worthy. It's like getting that external validation from others. But I think that neediness is a very misunderstood topic, and it's actually causing a lot of pain and damage in our relationships.

Yeah, unnecessary pain and damage.

Exactly. Well, what is necessary pain? Necessary damage.

Oh, she got me.

I'm gonna necessarily damage you later, babe. Watch out.

Oh, I'll just scale back the color commentary.

So today we are gonna be talking about what neediness is, what it isn't, and some genuinely helpful tools for addressing neediness in relationships.

But before we do that, we are going to talk about the review of.

The week, and I'm very excited about this one.

Oh, that's why you were hiding it from me earlier.

Yeah.

I see. Okay, well, this podcast will change your life. Before this podcast, my orgasms were just meh. And what's the other face? I don't. This is one of the most confusing emojis. It's like the shape of the face impossible to make. To be honest, I've always been confused by this emoji. I don't know what it means. On the one hand, it's like someone is winking, but then they have this weird, devious, impossibly wide lip slash mouth. And the lips are like going in kind of impossible, different directions. And red cheeks. It kind of makes me think this person is like really high or messed up. Also confused. Dazed and confused, perhaps?

Is that your final answer?

Yeah, my final answer is meh. Dazed and confused.

So I specifically put a call out on our Instagram a few weeks back. I asked people if you could please leave a review using this emoji. Because I used it in a context and was like, Xander will never be able to describe this one. So I'm very glad that somebody did it. Thank you very much.

What is the technical description for that emoji?

The technic. So I think I used it to describe feeling kind of like nauseous about something. Cause it, to me it looks like a like kind of feeling. It's not like the full barf emoji, but it's like, oh, I'm getting there. But technically it's the tipsy emoji.

Oh. So hey, I was on target.

That does not look tipsy to me at all though. Yeah, I mean, tipsy is not the worst.

It looks a little more than tipsy. That's what I would say.

If you're very confused, just Google tipsy emoji and you'll see the one that we're talking about. I don't know if I've ever made that face while being tipsy.

Well, that makes this review a little more interesting. Before this podcast, my orgasms were just meh to tipsy. Not sure what a tipsy orgasm is. I assume it's maybe not so good now. They are mind blowing party star eyes. That sounds really positive. We'll just say it's been a real positive change. I did not grow up in a house that talked about sex. Vanessa and Xander have taught me so much and have made me so much more comfortable talking about sex. My husband and I have been married for eight years and never been able to be so open with each other until now, thank you for this podcast and normalizing, healthy sex and communication. Three hearts.

Three hearts. There we go. Well, thank you for this excellent review. It was exactly what I wanted. I really appreciate it. As we mention every week, we really and truly are so appreciative of your reviews. It helps the podcast grow. It helps us serve more people. We would not be able to do this without you, so thank you. I will also say, if you want to continue trying to trick Xander and make this really hard for him, this is his section. He does every single week. Nobody has branched out to the non face emojis. We've had, like, heart emojis, but there are a lot of tricky ones, so the more creative you can get working different emojis in, like, really make him work for these reviews.

Also, keep in mind, I'm looking at a screenshot of an emoji on my computer. It's quite small. It's difficult for me to zoom in. So easy to trick me.

And we also are doing a weekly giveaway with our reviews of the week. So if we pick yours, if you do some real creative emoji stuff and we pick yours, then you can DM us on Instagram. Vanessamarin Therapy. We will enter you to win a free mini code. So if you're the winner, you get to DM us a question, tell us what's going on in your life, and we will send you back a personalized message with our best advice. All right, so let's get into this conversation about neediness. So I think the very first thing that we need to do is to talk about, like, what neediness really means. And I think for that, we have to get into this distinction between, like, what is a need and what is a want or a desire.

Yeah. Because there's a lot of confusion, fusion around what is actually what. And I think the reality, what we'll probably find is that there are not as many needs as there are desires or.

Oh, you're giving a spoiler alert.

Oh, God.

So a need is something that you require to survive versus a want. It's something that you don't need to survive, but you would like to have. It's a good to have, a nice to have, a wonderful to have. It could be a really strong desire, a really strong want. But I think this is so interesting because, like, technically, the vast majority of us are using the word need in the wrong sort of way. If we really want to get down to it, the only real needs that we have are like food, water, shelter. Right. Like those are the things that we need for pure survival. But a lot of us use the word need in relationships all the time. I need you to take out the trash. I need you to stop talking back to me. I need you to, you know, X, Y, and Z.

Can I interject with a little topical example here real quick? You know, we maybe got a couple reviews, a little bit of feedback on our podcast as we were growing, that we needed to sound better, that we needed to upgrade our microphones because. Because it was too hard to listen to in the car.

I have to share my favorite one. Somebody DMed on Instagram and was like, I tried to get my boyfriend to listen to this with me, but he says that you guys sound like you're recording in the bathroom, and he refuses to listen. That was my favor. But, you know, we were like, perfect is the enemy of good, right? Like, we were just trying to get this podcast started, you know, and we had, like a mic. That was fine. It was decent. You know what? Who cares about trying to get the perfect setup? Let's just get started.

Hey, it's the middle of a pandemic, people. You know, we weren't like, oh, let's go interview a bunch of podcast managers. Let's find a studio, blah, blah, blah, which is like, let's get this done in our office.

But let's go. Back then, people said we needed to get better.

People needed to hear us in, like, sparkling clean audio. And we really wanted to fulfill that expectation. We really wanted to sound super professional. So we went out and bought some brand new podcasting mics. We bought some. Oh, my God, I'm blanking on the word. What is this thing? Yeah, we have these little telescoping arms that connect to the desk. It's really, really professional.

Now they look like real pros.

And so we actually have been using these mics since our last episode. But stuff the sequel, we didn't say anything about it because we were just recording for the first time with the mics, and we were like, you know, let's, like, see how they actually sound before we started bragging about it. The results are in. I think we sound.

Well, the results from us are in. But you tell us, do we sound better? So DM us on Instagram anessamarintherapy and let us know. Do you hear a difference?

Yeah. Do we sound like a real ass podcast?

Okay, but even then, that's the incorrect definition of need, because nobody was gonna die if they didn't hear us sound like a needle.

Yeah, I know. I know, so yeah, you know, people who are complaining on Instagram and in our podcast reviews, they felt like we really needed to do this because they could not survive listening to a podcast that sounded like we were in the bathroom.

I would die recording a podcast in the bathroom.

I hope that person that's listening or maybe they can tell their boyfriend or husband, you know what, they have left the bathroom.

Out of the bathroom.

You know, they have really professional audio equipment now.

All right, let's get back to this. So I think it's really interesting for us to think about, like, what are our actual needs in relationship. I mean, honestly, if we want to get really technical and nitpicky about it, there aren't any true absolute needs that we have in relationships. But I do think we were kind of talking about this earlier and we're like, yeah, there's nothing in a relationship like, you're not gonna die. There aren't any I'm gonna die needs in a relationship. But there are things that might make you feel like you're gonna die inside if you don't have them.

Yeah. And I think in this day and age, it's fair to say that our emotional well being is very important. We can technically survive, but if we are dying inside emotionally, we are not really like what kind of life are we really living? So in reality, stuff like companionship, love, physical affection, sex, kindness. Yeah, these are things that most of us really do genuinely need and we cannot go out and just get them ourselves. They are things that require somebody else to be involved.

And we're going to get a lot more into this in a minute. But we just wanted to start with like that understanding of what's really a need and what's a want and a desire and they're all vast. But I think it is important for us to get clear on what those different words mean. The other major thing that we wanted to bring up is gender dynamics play a huge role in this conversation around neediness. So as women, we are really socialized to be judgmental and self critical of our own needs. So a lot of us feel that asking for any tiny little thing is needy. Right. It's so much more rare for a man to be judged as needy. For men, it's much more socially acceptable for them to be ask for things. And we even admire men who ask for things like, oh, he's so confident, self assured and he knows what he wants. Whereas a woman asks for things and she gets a very different kind of judgment.

The interesting thing though is even the words that you used to say, like, he goes and asks for what he wants. You use the word wants, not needs. So, like, that right there is probably a huge reframe. Like, if you can reframe the things that you feel like are needy, assuming they really are wants, and probably they are mostly wants, you might already be feeling a lot better about things.

So we asked our Instagram audience, we said, do you ever feel like you're being needy? Are you afraid of being needy? And we broke this down by gender, and we did just ask men and women. So I want to acknowledge that we're being very binary here, but we are also.

We're a bit skewed towards women in.

Our Instagram audience, but we're talking about, like, kind of traditional gender stereotypes. So that's why we just went with men and women versus a more inclusive language there. So women of women. 73% of women said that they were worried about being needy. Only 27% and said no. Compare that 73% with men. Only 39% said they ever worried about being needy. So that's huge. 73 to 39%.

Almost twice as many women.

Yeah. And like, Xander was mentioning, you know, our audience on Instagram is primarily female. And so we asked, do you regularly feel like your partner is being needy? And only 20% of people said yes. So the majority of those people were women. The majority of our audience is heterosexual. So they were talking about men. So I think, again, it's just interesting to, like, look at these gender breakdowns of realizing, like, there's a completely different way that we're thinking about women and.

Needs versus men and needs and even women and wants.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, absolutely. You know, as we were thinking about this topic, because we've never done anything on this topic before. Right. So we were kind of sitting around brainstorming with our team, and this phrase came up to mind for me. I was thinking, like, is it needy or is it just a need? You know, like, there's a way that we're really putting this judgment onto it when we just. We add that little why? And all of a sudden, it becomes very judgy. So it's like asking ourselves, is it just that I'm wanting something, or I could use help with something or something sounds good to me. Or is it crossing that line into neediness where it's asking somebody more to validate your worth? We actually had a really great example come up on Instagram. Just over the weekend, we got a message from a woman who said she feels really needy, asking her husband to help her finish after he's finished during sex. So, like, he's had an orgasm and he just, like, gets up and starts cleaning up and she's like, oh, what about me? We actually get a ton of these kinds of messages of a lot of women in heterosexual relationships saying, how do I ask for, like, a little bit more focus on my pleasure without coming across as selfish? This is just a perfect example of, like, is it needy or is it in need? It's a very reasonable thing to want your partner to care about your pleasure and to focus on you and for you to get to have an orgasm if your partner gets to have an orgasm. So now let's go over some tips for actually navigating your needs and wants and desires. Any regular listener of the podcast is not going to be surprised that we are starting with you developing more familiarity with your own needs and with why you have those needs. I think it's really important for all of us to have clarity around what exactly is it that we're looking for from our partners. The really interesting thing here is in relationships, it really can come across as neediness to another person if they can sense that you don't even know what it is that you're asking for or that you're beating around the bush. When you're not clear with another person about what it is that you're asking asking for, not only are you making a request of them or wanting something from them, but you're also putting the load on them to figure out what it is that you want.

Nobody likes that feeling of, it feels like this other person is trying to get me to do the work of figuring out what it is that they want. Or this person is kind of beating around the bush. There's obviously something else that they want or something else that they need. They're not coming right out and saying it. And so, like, I am being expected to either read their mind or to figure out what it is and say it myself, because maybe they're too uncomfortable to say it or ask for it, and that just doesn't feel good to anybody.

And you know what the classic example of this is? When one partner asks the other one, like, what's wrong? Or what's going on? And someone's like, nothing, but you know, it's something. Then you're the one like, no, come on, babe, tell me. You can tell me. It's all right. What's going on? I can tell something's going on, right? All this extra effort to have to figure it all out, figuring out what you need can be very tricky. And I will take full responsibility for that. There are plenty of times where I have no freaking clue what I need. But it still is, like, a really important and necessary step for us to take is to try to get curious about our needs, try to uncover them, and really try to take responsibility for them first, rather than just putting it on the partner. And again, I will be fully honest here. I totally say fine or nothing to Xander all the time when it's very obvious that there's something going on. You're never gonna perfect at this, but trying to make that effort to take responsibility for your needs.

Yeah. I mean, and the reality is, when we are confident in what it is that we want or what it is that we need, it's just so much easier to express it when we've actually been able to be like, oh, okay, this is the specific thing. I've kind of rehearsed that in my head. I'm comfortable with what it is then in the moment, starting to feel something. Like there's something I feel like I want or feel like I need. And then you're like, kind of. I'm not sure, is it? Is it? This is that. But I gotta say something, and I.

Don'T know what to say to get super practical here. I think it can be really helpful to practice saying what you need out loud. Or at least practice asking yourself questions about your needs out loud. You could ask yourself, you know, what is it that I need right now? Or what is it that I'm wanting right now? I actually like a very slight twist on that question of, like, what is something that would feel good for me right now? Because for me, when I ask myself, what do I need? It feels like a pretty high pressure, high intensity question. And I feel like I have to come up with some perfect answer.

Wars kind of has like a degree of permanence. Almost like, what do I need or what do I want? Oh, well, I have to answer this question, and then that's what I'm gonna need and want. If my partner fulfills a request, like, that's what I'm gonna get and I better be okay with it.

Exactly. So I think changing it and just being like, what's something that would feel good right now? That makes sense. It feel a lot less pressure. It's not the thing. It's just something you can also ask yourself, when did I first start feeling this? Where did it come from? Did something spark this need? So trying to get curious about it and Figure out, like, what else is behind this? For me, that can always be really useful. You can also ask yourself, who do I really need this from? Or who do I want this from? Here's another really interesting little wrinkle to this topic. Sometimes when we say that we need things from other people, if I tell I need you to do this, what I'm really needing is something from myself. So it's getting back to that distinction we were talking about around looking for external validation, when what we really genuinely do need is that internal validation. Here's an example. It's like let's say you're telling somebody, I just need you to listen. Maybe what you're needing is first a little bit of time for you to.

Listen to yourself or to process your feelings.

Yeah, for you to get curious about your feelings, to feel them, to validate them. And then you could talk about them with a partner. Like we keep saying, we can't count on other people to validate our self worth. Only you yourself can truly do that. And you need to start with yourself. Yes, it feels great to hear validation from our partners and from other loved ones. Ultimately, we have to start with that, like internal validation. Okay, so let's say that you do identify. I have this need or this want or this desire. I do want something from my partner. So we wanted to go through some steps of how to ask for something from your partner. First, let's just mention, like we asked on Instagram, do you have a hard time expressing your needs to your partner? And 66% of people said yes. Yes. Something a lot of people are struggling with.

So totally understandable. I mean, I can just normalize and acknowledge the fact that it can feel uncomfortable when there's something that you're wanting or something that you're needing. You haven't asked for it yet. It's a vulnerable thing, asking for something that we want or something that we need when, especially when we need it from somebody else. It's not something that we can just go out and do ourselves necessarily.

And actually that's another tip that we really haven't even mentioned yet to get curious about. What's your story around your own needs? What are your experiences with it? Did you grow up in a family where it wasn't okay to have needs or you were even put down or mocked for expressing needs? How has it worked in past relationships? So fleshing out, like, what is my history with asking for things from people? What comes up for me, I think that's a great way to have some compassion. For yourself and recognize. Ah, yes. No wonder I have a struggle with expressing this in relationships now. Okay, so let's get to the tips for how to ask for something from your partner. One thing is to not let your needs build up. If you can try to deal with things as they come up one at a time, that's gonna feel so much more manageable. Because I think one of the problems that a lot of us have is we let things build up and build up and build up, and then they just come exploding out of us. It's like we were trying to prevent ourselves. Like, oh, I don't want to ask my partner from that. Oh, I don't want to be needy. We bury all these things inside, but they never stay inside.

Just like emotions. You can't bury emotions. I mean, you can, but they won't stay buried.

They will come out at some point or another.

Same with wants and needs.

Like we were saying, you want to get clear on the specific. Ask on your own first. So you have that clarity that we were just talking about.

Yeah, I think that that's so important because I think what often happens when we haven't had the time to really think about it ourselves and to clarify with ourselves what it is, is that we ask for something that may be a bit broader than what it is that we're really wanting, and then we find ourselves having to constantly revise that need or change that need or change that want, and then our partner is confused. Wait, I thought that you were asking to spend more time with me, and so I've changed my schedule so that we are spending more time, and then now you're saying now you want to have some alone time. Like, what is it? When in reality, that very first time, if you had thought about it a little more, it might have been like, oh, you know what? Actually, I'm feeling a little lonely. And this weekend it would feel really good for us to just nest at home and spend some time together.

Sounds nice. Another tip is to share your feelings with your partner before stating the need or want a lot of times, again, because we're so uncomfortable asking for something that we want, it winds up, up coming out sound. Winds up coming out. No, I was. I said that correctly. Okay, it was.

I wish you could see her face.

My brain works a lot faster than my mouth does. I trip over my words a lot, if you haven't noticed. Anyways, it winds up coming out sounding, like kind of harsh or aggressive or almost like domineering, like, bossy kind of feeling.

I need you to spend more time with me.

Yeah, exactly Right. Whereas if you were to share with your partner, like, what the emotions are like, Xander actually just did a great example a minute ago. He's like, I've been feeling kind of lonely lately, so I would love for us to spend some time together. Or, I've been feeling so overwhelmed. I would really appreciate if we could just sit and I could share with you what's been going on in my life. Even it could be something as simple as telling your partner, I'm feeling really nervous asking for this, but I want to make this request of you. Like, it just. I think having that emotional context helps soften your partner. They realize, like, oh, my partner's struggling with something, or, oh, my partner has a really positive intention in making this request rather than just barking out an order at them.

It makes it feel so much more clear and more real and understandable and less permanent and less of a command when you kind of let it build up and build up and build up, and then all of a sudden, it's just like, we need to spend more time together. You're just like, what is. Like, oh, my God. Like, what is. What does this mean? It seems, like, so all encompassing versus, oh, you know, like, oh, my partner had a crappy week at work. Some of her friends canceled on her for, like, a hangout, and she's feeling sad and like, oh, it would make me feel good to spend some time with her, too.

Yeah. Yeah. Next tip is to try using the word want instead of need. Anytime that we tell our partner, I need this, I need you to do that, I need you to stop doing that. It just naturally does sound kind of bossy.

Right? And there's probably the cynical part of the person hearing it that goes, do you really need that, or do you.

So I think just changing the language can have a surprisingly big effect. Asking for, like, I want you to.

Do this, or to soften it even more, I would like.

I was about to say my favorite way is, I would love.

Oh, even better.

Feel super soft. Like, I would love for you to do this. I would love for this to happen. I would love for us to do this together. Yeah. Even just that word, love, how does that not sound better? Like, I would love for you to do this versus I need you to do this. Right. It's just, again, tiny tweaks, but makes a really, really big difference in the moment when you're making your request, be as clear and specific as you can. So I think the more detail you're Able to flesh this out with, the better it can be. So instead of like, I need you to be more present, what about something like, I would love to have some time with you where we're both off of our phones and free of other distractions.

Or, like, to be even more specific, if you're just, like, finding yourself in a moment where you're wanting to be more present, just in that moment, and you're not really trying to say, like, there's a broader problem with us not being present. It could just be like, hey, I would love to spend the next hour with you uninterrupted, without our phones, or something like that. Like, you don't have to always get that specific. But I do think it is important to try to think about how all encompassing is this request that I'm making. Is this sort of like a global request of like, hey, it's a trend? My partner is not very present with me whenever we're together, so I do want to be making a request that is more permanent. Or this is sort of a fleeting need or a fleeting want that I'm having. And being able to express that, that's just where the clarity is important.

Yeah. Even if it is a case where this is, like, a more global issue. So this example that we're playing with of being more present, this is a perfect one. A lot of couples in relationships would say, like, I really want my partner to be more present. It feels like my partner's not there. We don't really have much, like, quality time together. Even if that is the case for you, barking out, I need you to be more present. It doesn't really mean anything to your partner. They're like, what do you mean? Like, immediately in this moment, for the next couple of weeks, for all of eternity, have I been present in the past or have I not been present in the past? Even if it is this global issue, if you start with making specific requests in the moment, that's a way to open up the conversation. So the two of you are sitting watching tv, but your partner's on their phone. Hey, babe, I would love it if we could put our phones down and. And just watch this show together for the next hour. Maybe you repeat it a few times, and then at that point, it's like, it's become a more. More of a topic of conversation. So if you do need to have the, like, you know what, babe? I've been noticing that it just feels like we're spending a lot of time, like, in each other's presence. But not actually being emotionally present, you've kind of set the scene to have this bigger conversation.

You've laid the groundwork. It's not a surprise.

Yeah.

It's not like out of nowhere you just hear, I need you to be more present. The other thing, when I heard you say that, like, I need you to be more present. The other risk that you run in voicing it in that way is that what your partner hears is, you piece of shit. You're never present. Like, you just hear it. You hear the opposite of it. Oh, you're just, like, never around. And that just cues up lawyer mode in your partner who goes, oh, well, let me come up with all the examples.

I was present yesterday.

Yeah. I'm not even looking at my phone while talking to you right now.

I don't know why my partner voice came out so weird there. All right, and then our last tip is to be direct and unapologetic when you're stating a request or asking for something from your partner. So, ironically, I think we come across as being very needy when we are trying to downplay our needs.

Oh, yeah.

So when you clearly and confidently state a need, that comes across as way less needy. So, like, for example, when you hear a partner say something like. Like, oh, well, there's just this one tiny little thing that I was thinking about, but it's really not a big deal. Like, you really don't need to do it unless you're absolutely sure. I just. I don't, you know, like, I don't want to impose.

And I'm singing this really cute little.

Voice, too, that just makes me want to, like, spit it out. What are you talking about? Right?

And I mean, if I heard that, I'd be like, okay, well, this is like, I'm just not going to take it very seriously.

Yeah, exactly.

Like, they haven't even asked for something, and they. They've already undermined it in, like, 10 different ways.

Yeah.

They've given me all these excuses of. It actually is a big deal to me, so I'm not gonna do it. Or, like, it is a bother. So, yeah. You know, it's like, you've given me all these outs already, and you haven't even said what it is.

Yes. So the more direct you are about your needs, the less needy you will come across as. All right, to wrap this up, we just wanna normalize. Forget what you've seen in the movies. No relationship is ever going to meet all of your needs. So even though we're giving you these tips for conveying your needs more directly and trying to reframe what the hell needy actually means. We also just wanna be super clear. You're not ever gonna get all of your needs met in a relationship. That's just not how relationships work. So there are gonna be ways where you do feel needy, where you feel like you have needs that aren't met. That's just normal and that's life. Different people have different levels of needs, and especially in different seasons of life as well. So we wanna normalize that. That too. But we hope that these tips have really helped understanding that neediness doesn't need to be this, like, terrible thing that we build it up to be. And the more clear and confident you can be about your needs, the more likely you are to get them met.

And the less needy you'll be. All right, well, let's get into a couple listener questions because I think there's a lot of good questions on this topic. The first one is, what's the line between being secure and asking for what you want versus asking for too much?

This is such an interesting question. So, I mean, bottom line, there isn't really a line.

Yeah, I'm actually. I'm curious. This person, like, what. What is too much? There's an underlying assumption in the way this question is worded. This person wants or needs so much it can't be fulfilled. Like, this person's already saying there is too much clearly that they want, so they're trying to figure out how to ask for like, the least possible amount. I don't know.

My guess is that this question came from a woman because I'm guessing that she has been socialized to believe that her asking for anything is bossy or demanding or needy. I just think that that's. That's the little vibe that I'm getting from this question. So I'll give you a little trick that Xander and I use in our relationship. When there's something that we're wanting from each other, but we're kind of feeling unsure about the request, we will ask each other, is this a reasonable thing for me to ask for from you? And that makes it a conversation between the two of us. Rather than like, here's this thing. I need go off and do it. It becomes like, let me feel into that. Does this feel like reasonable? Does this feel like too much? And we're able to talk about it in a really non judgmental way, Neither one of us will spit back. That's completely unreasonable, you terrible witch. You know, I think that's a good.

Way to be able to talk about it if. If you haven't been able to figure out for yourself what the exact precise need or want is. It's like I am having this general feeling of some stuff that I'm wanting or needing and I can't quite gauge yet, like, is this reasonable or are there ways that maybe I could fulfill some of this myself? It just opens the door to talking about it in a open way, non judgmental way.

And I'll give you one more trick for this one too. Another thing to do is to flip this around and think saying, if someone was asking this of me, how would I feel about that? So that'll give you a little bit of a sense of, ooh, that's kind of asking for a lot versus, like, no, I'd. Like, that would feel okay to me.

I think the other thing with this, that can be tough. You have been socialized. You shouldn't be needy. And you've been putting off needs or wants or desires for a long time. You might be in a difficult place in your relationship. You get to a point where you realize, like, oh, there are actually a lot of things that I want or that I need that I'm not getting fulfilled by my partner. And there just maybe needs to be a reckoning of, like, am I going to be able to get what I want or what I need from my partner?

I guess it's just another argument to state needs early and often.

Yeah, absolutely. All right, what is a need versus what's an entitlement? Mm.

So I think of entitlement as feeling like I deserve something and I don't care what the circumstances are, who it hurts, what it takes, I deserve it. So for me, there's an interesting distinction that comes up between, like, deserving and entitlement. I think we are all deserving of a lot of things. Like, I'm deserving of kindness and respect and love and loyalty and all that kind of stuff. But for me, entitlement implies a really bratty sort of tone, a lack of compassion, a lack of caring. I might feel like I deserve something. And I can also acknowledge, like, wow, there's a lot of work that goes into that, or a lot of time or a lot of effort versus entitled is like, I don't care. It's mine. I deserve it. If you're listening to this podcast and you're worried about, like, am I needy? How do I stop being needy? I think there's a very low likelihood that you will ever cross the line into entitlement.

All Right. So the next question is how to remind my partner of my needs without coming across as a nag.

Okay. There's definitely gonna have to be an entire podcast episode about nagging because that's such a common dynamic that comes up. But what comes up for me in the first glance of this question is an acknowledgement that stating your needs is never gonna be a one and done.

Kind of thing as much as be my wish.

It would be so nice to just be able to tell your partner one time what it is that you'd like or. But the reality is your partner's a different person. They are not going to remember what you say. They might do things a couple of times and have the best of intentions, but they're gonna forget. We're all fallible creatures. We do an awful lot of forgetting. So you are gonna have to remind each other on a pretty consistent basis of what it is that you guys are wanting and needing from each other. One thing that can help is having a weekly check in with each other where you give yourselves the opportunity to talk about what is it that we are wanting from each other this week? How have we been doing, what have need to do a little bit more of. So if it becomes kind of a regular conversation, there's a little bit of a structure around it and you both have the opportunity to share that with each other. That's much less likely to come across as nagging.

Last question is how to get my partner to be more needy. Yeah, I need my partner to need more things.

So this is a really interesting one. We got this question quite a lot. First answer is what I was just saying a couple minutes ago, like that different people have different levels of needs and that's okay. So you're not ever gonna have a relationship where you guys, guys have the exact balance of needs from each other. That being said, I think that this can be a really interesting conversation to have because what it makes me curious about, about the partner, do they have a story around how they are or are not allowed to rely on their partner?

Oh, yeah. I think this is, especially in the US a huge thing. We kind of have this cultural idea, especially with men, that like, we have to be self reliant, we provide for ourselves, we don't need anybody's help. And I know that this is also a thing in plenty of other societies. It's definitely like a very capitalist type of thing. But it's a very specific sort of like American frontier kind of way of thinking. I think it's important to remind ourselves okay, yeah, I can acquire food, I can acquire water, I can acquire shelter for myself. But there are a number of things that I cannot acquire for myself on my own. I require somebody else who's willing to play ball with me, who wants to give those things to me too. Love and compassion, friendship and stuff like that. Just reminding yourself you are not on your own. You can't get all the things you need emotionally on your own. That can be a good starting place.

So, yeah, I think also the word play can be really interesting here. So if you ask your partner, like, well, what do you need from me? They might say, like, nothing. But if you could ask them, like, what do I contribute to your life? What do I bring into your life? What do you appreciate me for? What would you miss if I wasn't here? That might be a different sort of way, a more useful way of getting across. Because I think really what this person is asking is I want to know that my partner wants me in their life, that they value me here. It's not like, oh, yeah, my partner's there, or they're not there. Couldn't care less. Doesn't make a difference to me.

Right.

So I think asking those kinds of questions might get you better answers than talking about it in the terms of neediness. All right, well, that wraps up our episode on dealing with quote unquote neediness in a relationship. And I know we started talking a little bit about doing check ins with each other as a way to navigate your needs with each other. So we have a really awesome free guide for you. It's called the Simple Daily Check in and it gives you five questions that you can ask each other every single day. It takes a like five minutes to go through it and it can just be a really, really nice way to set aside a few minutes to connect to talk about what you guys are needing or wanting from each other. You can do it once a week if you don't have the time to do it once a day. But it's just such a nice, easy, really intimacy building framework. So we will put the link to download that in the show notes.

Well, that's all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening and join us again next week when we talk about what makes someone good and bad. Bad.

Ooh, can't wait.

Spicy.