Episode 30: Sex With Other People...Around

Is it okay to like fuck at somebody else's house or is that an impolite thing? Is this. You don't see this in etiquette rules? Oh. Always bring your host a gift and make sure you don't fuck in their house. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. All right, I've got a new song for you to sing. Mariah Carey, All I want for Christmas is you. Go.

All I want for Christmas is you.

What is that?

I'm doing the instruments. No, I forgot the lyrics for that part.

But keep going. Try it.

No, I can't. Is this how we open our podcast now?

I think so.

Singing holiday music.

Well, I think you singing a Mariah Carey song, I think that's the goal there.

I thought this was better than last week's performance. I think that I did a better job singing.

Really I do. We'll see. You thought when you listen to the recording last week Xander thought he was auto tuned. That's how confident he was in his singing abilities.

I just, I just thought I was. My, my being. My pitch was surprisingly good. It was better than I thought it would be. I'm not saying it's perfect because it's sure as hell not, but okay.

So the reason that I picked this song is because today we are talking about sex when there are guests around. So whether you are staying at your parents house or your in laws or you have guests staying with you and we're talking about it in particular right now because around the holidays there tends to be a lot of traveling. We are staying with somebody or somebody else is staying with us. But I guess this advice could apply year round.

Oh yeah, definitely.

We were talking on Instagram about the fact that there's been some recent research that has found people tend to feel hornier around the holidays. And this was actually really shocking to me because every time that I've talked about sex drive around the holidays, people have always said my sex drive tanks. I'm stressed, there's people around. All the pressure of the holidays. I just do not want to have it. So I was very surprised to see this recent research that people are reporting that they're feeling very horny, even having the most babies in September. And the timing of that kind of lines up with some holiday conceptions.

There's, like, a small group of real horn dogs. There's. They're just cranking out babies on the holidays.

Another merch idea.

A small but mighty group of horn dogs.

I want to make a sweatshirt that says certified horn dog.

How about small but mighty horn dog?

That would be me. Small but mighty horn dog. Yeah. Oh, my God.

All right, well, you're laughing it off over there. What I wonder about this research, is that what I noticed? You know, we talked about this the other day, but when you said it just now, what it made me think of people reporting being horny and then, wow, you know, I'm trying to. I'm trying to carry. Oh, I saw that.

I'm.

I'm trying to carry this podcast. But you know what I wonder is reporting that you feel horny versus actually going. Having sex are possibly two different things. So it may be that during the holidays, it's possible that you're spending some more time together with your partner, so you might have more opportunities to get horny. Then you probably end up just sexually frustrated because you're like, shit, I've got mom and dad, aunt and uncle, little cousins on the couch outside my room. You know, we just can't have sex.

I have actual tears in my eyes right now. But I was trying to bring this back around and talk about, you know, maybe a lot of us are feeling horny, but one of the things that's getting in the way is this issue of being around more family and not maybe having the privacy that you're used to having, being in a different location than you're used to. That is what we are going to get into today. Talking about, is it okay to have sex when you have house guests or you are a houseguest? Some specific tips for how to do it if you feel like you want to do it, and even some really hilarious stories you guys submitted to us on Instagram about sex gone wrong with house guests around.

All right, but first we got to do our old faithful review of the week, where I make a fool of myself trying to interpret emojis, and I can already see.

Don't look ahead. Don't.

I mean, I'm about to read this thing. It's right in front of me. It's in our team. Put it in here in the biggest font it's so big.

Keely doesn't think your eyesight's very good.

And I'm already seeing something that I've never seen before.

Okay.

Awesome podcast. I love this podcast. It has given me so much information and helped bridge gaps in communication. Growing up in a family where sex and relationships were not a topic of discussion, I found it hard to talk or understand what my partner needs. Wow. And then we have.

Is it a certified horn dog?

No, I don't think so. This is like kind of like young woman or old child juggling. Like female child wearing a funny, like, baller hat. Like what kind of hat? People don't wear hats like this anymore.

I don't think they do when they juggle, apparently.

Yeah, so I don't know. It's sort of like old child or young adult woman juggling an old child.

How old is an old child?

I mean, I can't really tell. It looks like it might be. It might be like a 12 year old or something. I don't know.

Okay.

Enter these two superstars who give great advice and ways for both parties to open up and build a deeper connection with your partner. Thank you both and excited to learn more.

Well, thank you so much for this review and for giving Xander an emoji that he has never seen before. Always very entertaining to see him. Try to figure it out. If you have not heard us talk about this yet, we are just so appreciative of you leaving reviews. It's seriously the best way for the podcast to grow, for us to meet new people, reach new people, not meet new people. But sure, maybe we'll meet some new people because of this podcast.

Very occasionally.

Sure. Anyways, we are very, very grateful for your reviews. We really cannot thank you enough. And so we do a giveaway every week once you write your review. And it has to be in Apple podcasts, we get a lot of questions about like, oh, I can't find this on Spotify. Unfortunately, the only place you can leave a review is with Apple, but once you leave it, you are in for life. And every week going forward, we will pick a review the week randomly. And if you're the winner, you can DM us on Instagram, ask us a question and we will give you a free mini coaching session. I actually just did three of them this week because a bunch of people won and they're like, oh, I don't have a question yet. I've got to like think of a good one.

Oh, they cashed in.

They cashed in and I got some really, really grateful messages back of like, oh my God, I cannot believe how helpful this was, how many tips you gave me and just this short little session. So thank you. That is our little way of saying thank you to you. Hopefully you will get to win a free mini coaching session. But we really, really appreciate your reviews. So thank you guys so much for leaving them. All right, so let's get into it. The first thing we did, as always, is going over to our Instagram audience and asking a few questions about this. First question we asked was, do you feel comfortable having sex at your parents or your in laws or your siblings, whatever, some other family member at their house? And 46% of people said yes, 54 said no.

This is actually a little higher than I thought. I thought that fewer people would be comfortable. Maybe like 30, 70 or something.

Yeah, I was expecting it to be a little more in that range too. And then we also asked, do you feel comfortable having sex when you have houseguests? So we wanted to see like if there was going to be a difference between being a houseguest versus being being the host. And actually that poll was only 50 50. So there was like a 4% difference of people felt slightly more comfortable having sex in their own house versus at somebody else's house. And I was surprised by that too. I was expecting way more people to feel comfortable being like, it's my house.

Screw em, it's my house. I'm a moan, I'm a moan. You're gonna deal with it.

Screw my partner, you're in my house. I'm gonna screw my partner and I'm gonna moan. Yeah, yeah, I was kind of sur.

Yeah, I would say, you know, this isn't a statistical analysis, but probably not a massive difference there. 4% gap may not be significant.

So when we put these polls up, we got a bunch of DMS from people saying like, well, what's your opinion on if this is okay or not? And it was kind of like a little bit of etiquette coming in. Like, is it okay to like fuck at somebody else's house? Or is that like an impolite thing? Is this one of you don't see this in etiquette rules? Oh, always bring your host a gift and make sure you don't fuck in their house. So. So we wanted to kick off with talking about our opinion, how we feel about having sex in other people's house or with guests in your house. And probably will not surprise you to hear that we think that this is totally fine. Nobody says that you have to be chased, you know, when you're a house guest or you have houseguests. And I think it's also really important to remember, like, it's not like you're having sex in front of them. Right. There's still privacy. There still should be a closed door. Maybe that's one of the guideline. As long as there can be a closed door. So if you're staying crashing on somebody's couch or behind a curtain or something like that, like, yeah, maybe not. But as long as there's some closed doors in the way, then that's fine. We think a particular useful distinction can be think about these other people as your roommates rather than families.

Yeah. I mean, if you've ever lived in a roommate situation, after living with roommates for a little while, you kind of realize, like, okay, I gotta live my life with. With roommates here or not. And you know, it's like, all right, we got our doors closed, we gonna fuck.

Yeah. You know, a lot of people get really uncomfortable about it being family. Oh my gosh. Am I allowed to, like, have sex while my mother is under the same roof? Think about it as, you know, well, what would I do in a roommate situation like this? When I think of having roommates back in the day, it was like, yeah, we have a shared space here and we also have private spaces. You know, we have our. Well, most of my roommate situations were my own room, but, you know, I have my own private space and I get to do what I want to do in my private space. But I think the most important thing about being a good roommate is like, being courteous and recognizing there is some aspect of shared space here. So I think the most important aspect of like, being a good roommate is just being courteous. Being aware of, like, yes, I do have my own space here, but also this is a shared space. And so I'm going to be thoughtful of how much noise am I making and who's coming in and out of the house and stuff like that.

Is the headboard slamming against the wall?

Yeah, exactly. You can think of it in the same way. Let's say that you're staying, you know, at your parents house. Okay. This is probably not the time to be like role playing jungle animals using your loudest paddle on your partner. Yeah.

Practicing your primal screaming.

Who does that during sex?

I'm sure that's a thing. I'm sure if I were to Google primal scream sex, I' there are plenty of people practicing that.

Okay, so don't have your primal scream Sex when you're at your parents house. Especially if you know that this is like an old house and it has thin walls. We'll get into all that kind of logistical stuff in a minute.

Unless maybe your parents have hearing problems and you know, you know, it's night, they take their hearing aids out, boom, you're good to go.

That would be my dad. You cannot hear anything about those. You know, as long as you're just being respectful and you're making an effort to not be seen or heard, that it's fine. Right. Okay. What is our track record? Being house guests or having house guests? What do you think?

I think we don't have a ton of sex. I think we don't. And if I think about it, it probably, you know, I guess there's part of me where I'm like, I feel a little self conscious about what you were just talking about. Making noise or kind of doing what we typically do. I guess I'm making it sound like we.

You're making it sound like we have primal scream sex.

Yeah, like I'm making it sound like we're really loud. I think that we're probably pretty average.

Actually, we're not. We have done some polls recently about do people make noise or not? And the vast majority of people are very quiet.

Okay.

We're definitely louder than we are.

We make noise, we say things to each other. I kind of feel like, you know, I don't want to have to, like, I don't know, change up what I do or.

Well, let's be real. You actually don't like having quiet sex.

I don't. That's true. Yeah, that's true.

So that's always been a big impediment. Because when we have. Both of our parents have older houses with not particularly thick walls.

Why is it that parents always have.

That creaky old houses and Xander really does not like having to be quiet. Because you don't like me being quiet because it makes you feel like I'm not enjoying myself.

Yeah, I guess so. I guess so. And I like to be able to have a little moan here and there. Yeah, but so there's that aspect. I think the other bit of it is that, you know, when we are having house guests or when we are houseguests with someone else, I'm probably a little more emotionally, like, energetically drained than usual. Because, you know, you're hosting or you're trying to be a good guest. Typically when people are over or you're over with someone else, like you're Doing more stuff than your typical day to day at home. And so, you know, oftentimes it's like, by the end of the day, like spent with family, I'm like, pretty exhausted. And then I'm like, okay, let's just go to bed.

Yeah. I think you and I, we're the opposite of this new research. I think that we tend to have a lower sex drive around the holidays because we're doing so much stuff with family. We're kind of running around. There's a lot of different activities that are going on. It's just. It's not for us. It's not a ton about like, oh, my God, it's so wrong for us to have sex with our parents in the next room. But more like I'm just not really in the mood after, like a full day of family stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I would say we have a pretty good thing going on at home here.

Sustains us through the holidays.

Yeah, we have a pretty good thing.

It's always fun. The first time after the holidays is always fun. You're like, thank God back in our space. Can be as loud as we want. Catching up for a little bit of missed time.

Yeah, missed time.

Mixed time.

Making up for lost time.

Making up for lost. Catching up to. Making up for.

Just making up for lost time.

Making up for lost time.

But, Vanessa, I have an idea. Should we resolve on this podcast to try to have more sex over the holidays? Should we make this a challenge?

Okay. How much sex?

I mean, I guess let's just try to do it a normal amount. I feel like, what often.

Our usual.

What often. What often happens with us is like, you know, where we go for the holidays is not. We're not like flying across the country. We usually. It's like a two hour drive or something at most. And we, you know, tend to spend maybe like four or five days away. So it's very common that maybe we just like, won't have sex while we're away because we're like, okay, whatever. We'll be home in a couple days. Okay, let's try to do it.

All right. And we will report back.

Let's try to do it as much as we can. For research.

Yeah, for research. For research purposes. All right, well, we will report back to you in January and let you know how our holiday sex challenge went.

All right. Yeah. Hopefully no parents are listening to this. This episode. Is this coming out before we go home? I don't know.

It is.

All right, we'll see. Okay, so see K And E, if you are listening, hope you don't mind.

Our bedrooms are very well.

We'll bring. Bring our white. We'll bring our white noise machine.

We're gonna get into the chips in a minute, man. Okay, so our general pro tip for holiday time sex. Sex with. With or being a houseguest. Is that this can just be a good time for maintenance sex or vanilla sex. Don't whip out the new loud, validating sex toy. Or the new lube that might stain the sheets or something like that. Like, just keep it classic. The classic sex that you usually have. I think that's a good general rule of thumb.

The holiday classics.

That should be a new sex position. The holiday classic.

What is it, though?

Just missionary?

Well, no, I. I have a tip when we get to the sex positions. Hold tight, people.

Xander actually has a tip. Oh, my God.

I have an idea for what the holiday classic is. We'll get there in a little while. Okay, so keep listening, don't stop.

So let's talk about some of the common pitfalls that come up when you're having sex at somebody else's house. And we're gonna give you our tips for the best way to kind of maneuver around those pitfalls so that you can continue to be intimate and have some holiday classics. First thing that comes up. Thin walls. Your parents have that. Crickety. Oh, crockety crackity. Drafty. No, creaky. I already had to stop recording this podcast once to have Xander remind me of the word. Then I forgot it. Crackity. Somehow came up drafty. Creaky.

You said creaky. You've now said drafty about three times.

Where drafty came from.

I mean, drafty means, like, there's holes in the wall, you know, like the. You know, the outside air is blowing through. Okay, that might qualify, too.

Creaky old parents house. A couple of thoughts here. First thing is kind of going back to, like, the roommates and, like, being courteous example that we were talking about is I think that there's a big difference between, like, accidentally letting out a slightly louder than you would have liked it to be moan versus intentionally making your primal screams or your jungle roleplay noises.

Yeah. I think the really important thing here is that a super short, accidental noise is unlikely to really arouse very much suspicion. If you think back to have you ever had roommates and have you ever thought that you heard a sex sound coming through the wall and then you stop to listen and then you don't hear it again and you just think, oh, well, you Know that must have been something else or it wasn't sex, you know, I'm not hearing anything.

Yeah, we just kind of wanted to start that by saying it's okay if you do end up being a little louder than you realized. But here are some ways to avoid that. One could be bring a white noise machine with you. So we do this, we travel with our noise machine because we actually genuinely love sleeping with white noise. But this is just a such a crafty little trick. Tell your parents I brought my white noise machine with me. I've gotten really used to it. But then it's actually providing a little bit of soundproofing too.

Some cover.

Another thing is you can always turn the TV on. I'm actually not a huge fan of sex to the TV because there's just inevitably something weird on. But do what you gotta do.

I put some music on instead if that's a possibility.

We have a good pro tip coming up in a little bit about that. But have some music going on. Another thing is you could do it in the bathroom. Again, it's another door. So if it's a private bathroom, like maybe an ensuite. An ensuite? Yeah. My parents house is not fancy, but the bedroom that we always stay in has an ensuite and it is the furthest room from every other room. So sometimes it works out in your favor or even do it in the shower.

Built in white noise.

You may know how we feel about this. We are actually not huge fans of shower sex.

Yeah, if you have a one foot height difference, probably shower sex is not working for you very well. Believe me, I've tried. More power to you.

If it does work like you say you've tried, I haven't been a part of it too.

As the partner responsible for more of the penetrating and thrusting, there's a lot.

Of maneuvering I'm doing. Trying to help out too. Okay, other tips, if you focus on having more kissing, you'll probably hear less audible moaning. So you can kind of like distract each other by having more kissing or even kind of moan into each other's mouths. Your moans with your mouths or with your pillow. I mean, I think we have done that sometimes and that's actually been really hot to like have to put a pillow over your own face or put a pillow over your partner's face. Like this could be very sexy. And then another tip here. For some people, quiet sex may be fun. So for us actually I like it. I think there can be something fun about like trying to be sneaky. And like, let's not get caught. Let's be as quiet as we can. But I think for you it just feels like, like. Hello? Is anybody there?

Yeah, I mean I, yeah, I guess, I guess for me what it is is that it's a. I like to try to get a sense of, of where you are, how you're doing and kind of try to adjust my own timing accordingly. And when it's really quiet, it can be hard to do that. Yeah, it can feel a bit more one sided. Oh, like I'm just being quiet, quiet, quiet. And like, oh my God, I'm about to come.

All right, let's talk about the next pitfall, which is a small bed.

Classic.

Oh yeah.

Hopefully it's not like, hopefully it's not like the college twin XL type situation.

I had a twin bed for a long time that I had to come back to and that was not pleasant. Fortunately my parents upgraded, but I think a lot of people. Yeah, you're going back and you're sleeping in this tiny little bed. So if that's the case for you, you really gotta be strategic with your positions. Positions where your bodies are overlapping as much as possible since you're not going to have a ton of room to maneuver. Missionary, the old standby cowgirl, like woman on top or even spooning can work sometimes too in a small bed. Another thing that you can do if you're really stuck in that twin bed situation, you could always try like role playing, being teenagers again. And I think this works especially well if your bedroom is still like decked out the way it was when you last lived there. If you've got like the Hanson poster on the wall and jtt. Oh yeah, a little JTT action. It could be kind of funny to role play like you're sneaking your boyfriend into the house. Like you gotta be quiet so mom doesn't wake up.

Pretend it's your first time.

Oh yeah, that could be super sexy. All right. Another variation of this is what if you've got the squeaky bed?

Oh yeah. I mean, thin walls. I feel like oftentimes that bed in that room at your parents house that no one sleeps on except for you when you come, it's probably going to be squeaky. My best tip for this is avoid the bed altogether. Just do it on the floor, you know, hopefully maybe there's a rug on the floor or something.

Just like pull some pillows down. Make a little sex fort.

Yeah, make a little fort on the floor because most likely the floor is going to be way less creaky. Than the bed. And you know that that can be fun. Like you're probably not going to make much noise on the floor. You don't have to worry about the bed squeaking. You don't have to worry about like a headboard bumping around. You know, you don't have to worry falling off the bed. If it's a tiny bed, you know, there's less that can go wrong. Maybe the floor is a little less comfortable, but that could be exciting. So that would be my version of the holiday classic. Get on the floor.

On the floor?

Yeah, just get on the floor.

Holiday classic is on the floor. Yeah.

Gotta be quiet.

Interesting. On the floor is also a position that you do not like to do. Like my knees.

All right, well, challenge accepted. Challenge accepted.

We're gonna have love more sex at my parents house. And we're gonna do the holiday classic.

Well, you know, I realize we haven't even talked about exactly the sleeping arrangements this time. Who knows, we might not even be in our typical place. But I think there's a carpeted floor. It should be. We should be good.

Okay. We'll report back on how the holiday classic was. So this could also be an opportunity to get a little bit creative about the location. Maybe it is in the shower or in the bathroom. If you have a big closet, you could even do it there another way that you could get around a squeaky be. If you are a male female pairing, it doesn't have to be intercourse. You know, we talk about this all the time. Male and female relationships tend to really overemphasize intercourse as if that's the only thing that counts as sex. But this is kind of another overall pro tip about having sex when you're a houseguest is like sex doesn't have to be intercourse. You can be a lot quieter and have just as much fun using your hands, using your mouths, even masturbating side by side. So. So mix it up a little bit. Finally, I've got a pro tip here.

A real practical one.

Yeah, if your bed is super squeaky, you can just tell your parents, oh, I'm gonna fix the bed for you. Like, I don't want to wake anybody up. Or you could even say, like, you know, I want to make sure I sleep better and it's not squeaking when I'm trying to roll around or my partner's rolling around.

Yeah, I was waking up all night last night every time she flipped over.

So just fix the bed, get out some screwdrivers, tighten the screws.

Get some WD40.

WD40, you know, fix the bed.

Yeah, oftentimes. Oftentimes it's just a couple screws loose. It's pretty easy to fix. Sometimes there's a lot of screws and then you don't know which one is the right one.

Give it a try.

They're hard to reach, but give it a try. I feel like I'm always trying to fix our bed.

We do have some squeaking issues also. Maybe a part of the reason why we don't do it so much when we have house guests. Next category is you're nervous. So I think a lot of people just feel plain nervous when they go to their parents or their in laws house. You're worried about being caught. You're worried about what your parents might think. A couple tips for you here. One, just wait until everyone's asleep. Nighttime's always the best time to do it when you're a house guest in somebody else's house. You could also get creative and have sex outside of the house. Nobody says holiday sex has to happen in somebody's house. Maybe you get creative, go outside. Car sex I think is going to be the easiest one for most people. So this could be another one where it could be fun to. Let's say your hometown has a little lover's lane. You know, maybe you even went there when you were in high school. Like go back to that spot, have a little bit of sex in the car. And again, sex could be whatever you want it to be. It doesn't have to be intercourse.

Hey, how come you've never taken me to the lovers lane of your hometown?

I feel like I have.

I don't know where it is.

It's up to Gibraltar.

Oh, Gibraltar. You know, I'm not sure if there was a lover's lane lane where I grew up, or else I just never knew about it.

See, both of us grew up kind of in the hills. You way more so out in the.

I mean it could have been anywhere.

So it literally. Yeah, around where I, both of us live, it's just like, just go down a windy road, there aren't going to be very many people there anyways.

However, this one does remind me, you know, when we asked some funny questions on Instagram about sex fails or embarrassing situations. And I do remember there was a couple who said they got caught by the same cop twice. Like one day and then the next day he's like, go home getting frisky. And he was just like, come on, like you're done.

Do it. At your parents house. Get over it. One other very obvious tip a lot of you seem to not follow is to lock the door. My friends, we heard so many stories about like, like, oh, somebody just came barging in. I totally forgot to lock the door.

The other thing parents love to do.

Yeah, so just lock it. If there's not a lock, get creative and drag the dresser in front of the door, prop a chair there or something like blockade that door. Finally, let's talk about the last pitfall, which is evidence.

Destroy the evidence. How to destroy your sex evidence?

First thing is that you want to be mindful of stains. This is what we meant about like, maybe don't bring the silicone or the coconut based lube because those can sometimes stain sheets. If you're not super careful, and you probably don't, you're already gonna be super careful in other ways. Just forget about it. Also, period sex might be a little bit more complicated. If you're, you know, staying with your parents and they have all white sheets and all white towels. Like, okay, maybe then the timing. Usually we're a huge fan of period sex. We do not think it's a big deal. But if you've just got all white stuff around you and this is day one of your flow, probably not the greatest timing, right?

I mean, you could throw the towel down. I feel like if you make a mess of a towel, that's a little easier to explain than a mess of the sheets.

Yeah. Another way that you could get around that is you could just be a courteous house guest and bundle up your sheets and your towels when you're done and like get the wash started. That way no one will ever see them.

Toss them in the trash can.

Trash can.

Drive down to the grocery store and toss them in the dumpster.

Your dad's like trying to change the bed afterwards. He's like, where's all of the bedding?

Oh, whoops. I thought it was a one time use situation.

What? You're saying the weirdest things.

Or you know, get them new sheets for the holidays. Because the other thing that parents are notorious for are having terrible sheets. Ratty ass sheets.

I want our first podcast sponsor to be like a really nice sheet company.

Oh, yeah.

Because both of our parents desperately need new sheets. Okay, your parents, the sheets are ancient. My parents have also ancient sheets. But also they like try to buy those like bed in a bag things usually on sale after the holidays, like Bed, Bath and Beyond. And they're like polyester sheets that like spark in the middle of the Night. Because there's just such bad quality.

Oh yeah, the blanket that we sleep with at your parents house. If you move your position in the middle of the night, you will see sparks.

You will see sparks. Parks. I can't believe we haven't.

Like, we gotta bring our. We just gotta bring our own bedding. What are we doing?

It's really bad.

We're bringing our pillows and our duvets this time.

So maybe we will throw away all of the bedding in my parents house.

You know, maybe this is K and E's way of trying to discourage us.

We know that they'll only sleep on these sheets for like three nights before they go nuts. New pillows too. Good God, those pillows. They're like 30 years old. No, those pillows are probably older than I am. So lumpy, so uncomfortable.

Yeah, I don't want to know what's inside of them.

I'm getting really excited to have sex in their house under all this uncomfortable bedding.

And I mean, like, we're gonna load up our entire car with all of our own bedding.

I think we will have to now. Especially if we're doing this holiday challenge. Okay, final tip around the evidence is if condoms are involved in the sex that you have, do not flush the condoms. We got so many horror stories about people who backed up the toilets. And then do you know how hard it is to get a plumber on Christmas? Do not flush your condoms. And I would even go a step further and say, when you pack up all your sheets and towels to go throw away at the grocery store dumpster, like Xander is encouraging, put the condoms in there too. Because we also got so many stories, you know, oh, we're all sitting around enjoying Christmas dinner and then the dog comes running out of our room with a condom in his mouth. And like hijinks ensues everybody trying to chase him and he's getting away from everyone and the condom just dripping out. Please spare your dog, spare yourself, spare your parents. Pack up your condom. It's sort of like that. What do they say about camping? Like packing, pack in, pack out. Pack your trash out with your condoms. Keep your own little special trash bag that you're like, yeah, bring it.

Bring a little, you know, go on Amazon. I bet you can get like a fake, like evidence bag. Get like, get like a crime scene, like evidence bag. Put on your gloves, drop it in.

Seal it up, seal it up.

You know, make, make a whole thing out of it.

All right, then we have a few more just little pro tips from Instagram. We Actually ask people, like, what are your best tips for having sex at somebody else's house and not getting caught? There were a couple that I thought were just really smart. 1. Early morning sex.

Oh, the old cock a doodle doo. I was just thinking this sounds like a great way to wake everyone up with a smile.

Oh, my God. That could have to be another sex position, too. The holiday. The holiday classic and the Cock a doodle do.

Yeah, I feel like the cock a doodle do is. Is like waking your partner up with a blowjob.

The certified horn dog, too. Oh, my God, you're killing me today. Early morning sex could be a great one. This is just a little tangent, but I think a lot of us just have this association with sex as something that happens at night. And the reality is you can have sex at any time during the day. And based on the schedules in your house that you're staying in, maybe morning is actually the much more private time.

I think for many people in the morning, it can sometimes be. Be quicker, at least for men, you know, where you tend to have an erection for a lot of the night. Oftentimes you wake up with one. And so, you know, it can be pretty quick. I know for some women also, it can be maybe you've just woken up from a sex dream or something. You may be a little more suggestible, so to speak. Not for everyone.

All right. Another tip that someone shared is they said that they just keep music playing throughout the day in their room so that people just kind of get used to, like, oh, yeah, like so and so just has music playing all the time, and then that allows them to leave the music on and drown out sex sounds without any suspicion.

Oh, yeah. So just. Yeah, just play your sexy playlist the whole time.

Mariah Carey on repeat all weekend, and finally have a secret code word or a sign that you and your partner agree on beforehand. That means, let's go have sex right now. So this can be a great way if one of you happens to notice, like, ooh, there's a quick moment of opportunity here that you can kind of signal it to the other. And it can also just make it feel fun and playful between the two of you to, like, have some sort of secret code between the two of you. So now let's get into some of the funniest stories that we got about.

Sex gone wrong, because unfortunately, we don't have any of our own.

We don't. We don't. We don't really.

I'm trying to think of, like, what is Our most sex gone wrong guests or no guests. Obviously we don't really have any with guests. Do we have any horribly gone, right? I can think of one or two. One or two. I think you've shared one or two.

Of them on Instagram before, but they have not been involving guests around.

No.

So we're going to share these stories that we got from Instagram. We got hundreds of submissions. We asked people, like, tell us the funniest story of what happened when you tried to have sex with house guests around, not with the house guest or when you were a house guest. So why don't you read the first one, babe?

When I first started going out with my wife, we went to visit her family and we were staying in different rooms but totally got hot for each other. So we met up in the kitchen at midnight and did it standing up. It was fantastic. But also we weren't prepared. I pulled out and came all over the kitchen floor. We wiped with paper towels and cleaned really well. Or so we thought. The next morning at breakfast, her father looked at the floor and was like, what happened here? And went ahead and started started cleaning it with a sponge. All I could think of was, he's cleaning up my cum with his bare hands.

Oh, brutal.

I will say though, they used emojis in here. I replaced the emojis. I translated. It could also be that a woman squirted all over the kitchen floor. We don't really know.

I'm pretty sure this one was from.

A dude, but probably.

Thank you for your translations. All right, here's the next one. Our guests were sleeping in the living room and I was in my bedroom, very separate space. This was after a night of drinking. It's like 3am My best friend and her boyfriend decide to get it on. I don't know how, but they knocked over a mirror that we had on an easel and it came crashing down onto the fireplace and knocked some other stuff over. My German shepherd thought someone was breaking in and rushed to the living room. Ended up attacking and biting her boyfriend. Biting him on the nose. They had been dating for only three months. I thought I was going to have a lawsuit. He was a very forgiving dude, thankfully, but. But yeah, terrible.

Wow. I can't really blame your dog. Your dog. Your dog performed admirably. All right, next one is. We hosted Christmas a couple years ago. Our guest room was full, so my sister and brother in law slept in our teenage son's room while he slept in his brother's room. My husband and I had sex and he got me a new vibrator for Christmas, so we used it the next day. My sister said, by the way, he referring to our own son can hear everything. Everything.

That's like a double whammy there. Not only did the sister hear them, but also the sister was able to pass along this intel that if I heard you, your son has been hearing you this whole time too. All right, here's the next one. When I was in college, nobody was home at my mom's, so my boyfriend and I went for it, but didn't hold back in the way that we might if we knew that someone could hear us us. Little did we know her ladies book club came back during and they were having tea down the hall in the kitchen. When we came out later, trying to pretend we were not just having sex, one lady looked over at us and said, oh, to be young and in love. Enjoy your youth. My mom just stared at me as my soul left my body.

This sounds like a scene from like an American Pie style movie.

Oh yeah, for sure.

All right, next one is we were camping in our RV and had two friends stay over. We were in the bedroom going to town. It was like seven in the morning. Oh good, they're following the early morning sex thing.

The cock a doodle do.

Yeah, they're. They're doing the cock a doodle do. It was seven in the morning, so we assumed they would still be sleeping. Nope. The guy was up being a good guest and cooking us breakfast egg and cheese sandwiches. Super nice of him. We didn't realize we would be shaking the RV so much, but it was okay. We go in there after and the first thing the guy said was he didn't even need to flip the eggs in the pan. We shook the RV so much he still jokes about it every time he stays with us.

My mom was visiting and sleeping right down the hall and we had some fun one morning.

Again, cock a doodle doodle. They're doing it.

That night I started bleeding. I'm 17 weeks pregnant and I had to call my midwife for advice twice. She happened to call back when we were in the car with my mom and her first question was, have you had sex in the last 24 hours? Because bleeding can be totally normal after sex. I had to say yes. We had sex this morning with my mom sitting right next to me in the car, knowing that she had been right down the hall.

And then finally on vacation with now husband's family. We were dating back then. We had sex in the shared bathroom in the middle of the night and thought we were in the clear. Well, sister in law had horrid diarrhe and heard us. Not only did she hear us, she had to shit in her bedroom trash can.

Amazing. Wow, that is really something.

She's got something to hold over you.

Oh yeah. The rest of diarrhea into the trash can because you guys were having sex.

That's so nice of her that she. I would have just like pounded on the door and been like, I don't care what you're doing, get out. I know you're done.

Well, we hope that these stories have made you laugh but not dissuaded you from having sex at your parents or your in laws or having sex when they are staying with you. Because the holidays can be full of love and desire and excitement. And we will report back about how.

Did our horn doggery go?

How did our horn doggery go? But first, before we wrap up this episode, we have have a bonus reveal. Let me explain. Okay, so we just discovered a few days ago, one of our employees, we have a Slack channel just called funny. And she sent it over and she said, I am dead. It was a review. I pulled it open for a second and I was like, what? Like, what's so funny about this review? And then I realized it's from my brother. And he had left this review about like three weeks ago and we hadn't noticed it yet, but this is our bonus review. So good on.

Good on him for like not.

Not getting, you know, really wanted us to discover.

Yeah, for, for not saying anything. I feel like after a week I would have started to be like getting antsy and like, hey, have you got any good reviews yet? Or thinking like, oh my God, they hate it.

So he's not eligible for the giveaway. He gets coaching sessions. He gets it. But again, there's one final thing that I have to explain to you with this review. So my brother took the assignment to go nuts with the emojis, the challenging emojis. He really took it seriously. And if we were to fully read through this review, it would probably take you an entire hour. So Keely very kindly went through and she picked out her favorites of the emojis that he used. So you just have a few.

Okay, great. As Vanessa's brother, this podcast has changed my life.

Life.

I'm so happy for that. By the way, that's my own aside. I went from getting questions about my sister being a sex therapist, eggplant emoji teacher in high school, to questions about my sister being a Sex therapist as an adult. And then I see a peach. But basically, but. And is this, like a woman, like, listening, like she's pointing to her ear? I think.

I think so. But what are those little movements?

I think it's like. I think that she's, like, got the finger to her ear and it's like she's waiting for the sound to come in.

But if you point to your ear, you do like the little cupping thing to be like, oh, I'm listening.

Yeah, I feel like this is probably like an ASL or like sign language type of emoji, and I just don't know what it means. Okay, but questions about my sister being a sex therapist in high school to questions about my sister being a sex therapist as an adult like, every day. But in all seriousness. Seriousness, this podcast is great. Vanessa and Xander do a wonderful job of normalizing sex and keeping things light, even for a typical brother. Keyboard disco dancing. So if I win review of the week, how. How does this work? Do I call you with a problem or do I just fix your kitchen cabinets again? Hi, Xander. Head massage. Work. Like. Wait, what is this? The thing that like, like the guys like, fixing the freeway wear? Like construction. Construction. Jack vest, Snowman, Puzzle. Slot machine, Fax machine. No biking, no smoking, Recycle. See you soon.

You did that really fast. Actually, Dan, maybe we should have made you read the rest. There are about 30 or 40 of them that are bl.

But, you know, if you're listening. I do. I would love you to fix our kitchen cabinets again. You know, there's a couple cabinets that could use a little adjusting.

My brother is a handyman. He does construction, he does woodworking. So we always have a little list of tasks.

Oh, yeah, we're going to see him in a couple days. By the time this comes out, he'll have already been here, so he'll have already fixed us up.

We'll also check in with you about what my brother fixed in our house. All right, well, that is it for this week's episode. So if you are not already following us on Instagram, we just want to have you come over to Instagram. Check us out at vanessamarin Therapy. That's our handle. We share so much behind the scenes content. You'll be able to do these polls every week whenever we put them out. Share your funny stories. We really like to make you laugh as much as we can. So definitely make sure to follow us at Vanessa Marin Therapy if you are not already.

All right, everyone, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about opening up your relationship. That'll be a good one.

And we'll talk about whether that's something we have done in ours.

Ooh, drama.

Uh huh. So much to check in on next week.

All right, Hope you guys can handle the suspense.

See you then, Sam.