Episode 47: What Penis Performance Problems REALLY Mean

When you get this feeling of, maybe I'm not as hard as I want to be, maybe this thing that happened before is going to happen again, once that thought comes up, it feels like all of a sudden you're not really able to tune into your own experience anymore.

Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Zander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.

And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Today, I have a mystery for you.

Okay.

It is the case of the misbehaving penis.

Oh, it sounds intriguing. Is this a bedtime story?

No, it's not a bedtime story.

Okay. This is the kind that might keep you up at night.

Yeah.

So you don't want to tell it at night. Yeah.

It's a mystery with lots of twists and turns.

No straight line to the hard evidence.

I watched your brain really put that one together there. So today we're going to figure out the mystery of what does it really mean when a penis is misbehaving. And this is actually many cases wrapped up in one because we get DMs about this all the time.

Oh, yeah. We get so many variations of it. So many interpretations, so many assumptions.

So we hear things like, what does it mean? He orgasms in 10 pumps or less. I have to finish him off with my hand. He doesn't get hard when he goes down on me. He says that he doesn't like blowjobs. He takes over an hour or he goes limp when I get on top. Hmm. Many mysteries.

Suspicious.

So today we are talking about penis performance issues.

Look at that alliteration. Penis performance. Too bad we couldn't think of another problems. There we go.

There we go. Penis performance problems. We're gonna be talking about four specific ones. Struggling to get hard in the first place. Losing your erection partway through. Orgasming too quickly and taking too long to orgasm.

All right, jam packed. Yeah.

The specific twist that we're taking on this. So we're gonna go through the common interpretations that we hear of, like what this really means, and we're gonna tell you why your interpretations are actually wrong and why it's hurting your relationship. So if you have ever enc A penis who was not cooperating, just did not want to join the party. Then this episode is going to be a must. Listen for you.

Or that penis wanted to party too hard and didn't know how to go. You know, didn't. Didn't go home.

I think our art for this episode is going to have to be the little party penis that our team member Tiff illustrated for us. Oh, yeah, he has a little party hat on. He's ready.

Yeah. I mean, he could be illustrated in a couple of different configurations to illustrate, you know, the. The general issue. Passed out, social anxiety. Penis. He's struggling to even go out in the first place. Irish, goodbye, Penis. Like, he just. He just left the party. He left the party. No one knows where he is. I don't know. Penis had a couple too many shots at the beginning of the party, you know, got drunk too fast, and then penis. Who doesn't know when it's best for him to go home.

You're really thinking on your feet. I'm very impressed with you. I am.

You know, I know this. This can feel like a heavy topic, and I want to balance that with a little. A little bit of humor, because I think that, you know, we'll get into this a little bit more. But when we take these things too seriously, we make a lot of bad assumptions. We create a lot of pressure. That doesn't need. That doesn't need to be there. So, you know, I want to bring a little levity to the situation.

We are definitely going to have to get this episode.

Honestly, I. I wish someone had brought some more le to the situation at times when I have struggled with these. So here I am doing my best to pay it forward.

I love it.

And before I go into paying it forward to you with my. My penis humor, we are going to get into. We are going to share with you our review of the week. So fantastic podcast. Cat heart Eyes. I never really know what to call this one.

I don't know why.

Why is it, like, why is it a cat? There aren't that many cat emojis, are there? Like, cat face.

There are a couple cat face ones. Why aren't there dog ones?

I don't know. I would love to use a dog face one, but nobody made it. Okay, maybe it's a little harder to show. Like, there's not, like, a stereotypical dog feature that you could just put floppy ears. Yeah, floppy ears.

Okay.

All right. Maybe. So if there are any emoji makers out there, anyone. Anyone who works at Apple, maybe emoji makers. Help us out. Throw us a bone. Literally.

Oh, wow.

All right. You know, I'm trying not to blow my load too quickly with all this humor, but I don't know, I might have gone a little hot and heavy from the beginning. We haven't even read the review, babe. Wow. Okay. All right. Five stars. My husband and I have been together for about 21 years and married for 17 years. We have shared ups and downs as all couples who have been together for a long while. We work together during the day and we both enjoy podcasts. I heard about this podcast on Reddit and decided to give it a shot. Wow. Famous on Reddit, man. We gotta have no idea. Search for ourselves on Reddit.

I guess let's not do that. But it's great to hear that people are sharing about it. That's awesome.

All right. I'm so glad I did. My husband and I were having sex maybe once or twice a month, and now it has been four to five times a week. I was. I was able to get my husband to listen to episodes with me and it gave us great talking points and has made our communication so much better.

Oh, my goodness.

On top of improving our communication, talking about sex so much during the day has put us in the mood so much more frequently. And our sex is so much better thanks to our improved communication. Wow. That's. That is exactly what we want to be doing. So that is like, to a T. Thank you. Oh, okay, we'll finish this. Thank you. Thank you so much for taking the time to make this podcast. I know we are not the only couples you are helping by making these episodes. And then we have kiss lips question box.

What is that?

Picture frame. I'm gonna say picture frame. Otherwise it's just a square of kind of like tan color. Is that a movie projector or is that like a school bus?

No, you have to look closer at it. Oh.

It is a blue outline of two people hugging each other. I had to like.

I've never seen that. It's like a shadow.

Yeah. I didn't know those emojis existed. So he. Congrats on finding some like a 10 star review. Some deep cut emojis. Wow, that is props to you. I had to move so far away from the mic in order to put my face right up to my computer.

Yeah, it's like a dark blue. The shadow of two people hugging.

Yeah. And then for good measure, the classics. Peach butt. Water droplets. Or maybe not water. Who knows? Squirt and dick.

Eggplant.

Eggplant yeah. Dick. Everyone, come on.

Amazing. What a great review. Thank you so much. And you know what this review also reminds me of? You know, people always ask us, oh, does talking about sex all day make you want it less? And we're like, no, it is the exact opposite. And I'm so glad somebody else can speak to their experience of that. It's like when you're talking about sex, it's keeping it top of mind, and it's building up that anticipation, that excitement. It's slowly chipping away at, you know, any sh. Embarrassment you may be feeling. So I'm so glad to hear somebody else describing that impact for them. What a killer review, man.

Thank you.

And we just really appreciate your reviews so much. Seriously, it's the best way for the podcast to grow and reach new people. And we love that you're sharing it, like, on Reddit and Facebook and all kinds of other stuff. Instagram. We really appreciate it. And so we do this weekly giveaway where if you leave us a review on Apple Podcasts and to get to the review section, a lot of times people get confused with this, but when you're on the main homepage of our podcast, you have to scroll all the way to the bottom, and there you'll see the reviews. So if you leave a review for us there, you are entered into the giveaway every week. Going forward, we pick a review of the week every week. And if you're the winner, you can DM us on Instagram at Vanessa Marin Therapy, and we will give you a free personalized mini coaching session so you can send us a question, and we'll give you our best advice. So, seriously, thank you so much. It really makes our day to hear these reviews. And again, it's like, such a big, important thing for helping the podcast grow. So if you have ever been positively influenced by anything we've said on this podcast, if we've made you laugh with at least one dumb penis joke, we would greatly appreciate you taking the time to leave a review and leave some emojis for Xander to stump him, because this was a good one. Yeah, very good. All right, so let's get into the case of the misbehaving penis. The first thing that we want to say before we really get into the content here is this episode specifically going to be talking about CIS men. So men who were born men identify as men, and we're really going to be talking to women. So women who sleep with men. We have found that men who have sex or relationships with other men, they tend to Be a lot more understanding about penis issues because they have one themselves.

We all experience these things.

Yeah.

We've all been afflicted, and I think we can probably understand a little bit better with each other. Despite the fact that most straight men don't talk about these things with each other.

You know, this episode was really inspired by just countless numbers of DMs that we get from women saying, like, you know, what does it mean that this is happening? And honestly, I cannot think of a single time that I've gotten a DM like that from a man. So we're specifically just wanted to call that out here at the beginning of the episode. Let's talk a little bit about penis problems themselves. So you guys are hooking up. We're starting to move in the direction of doing more. Everything's going great, but all of a sudden, there is a problem.

Penis problems.

Do we need to. Is that our new sound effect?

Penis problem. I'm trying to do like a screeching halt, like brace. I tried to do that episodes ago, and we were terrible. I mean, yeah, I'm not. I'm not able to really do it justice. So, you know, perhaps our editor will have figured out a solution by the time you are hearing this. Maybe it will be really perfect.

Do you want to sing a little jingle?

No. Penis problems in bed.

I love it. You said no first, and then instantly you were ready for it.

Yeah, I changed my mind.

Okay. So we went over to Instagram and we asked men and we asked women about, like, what is it like for you in the moment when a penis is not cooperating? So, Xander, I'd love to have you read the responses that we got from men and maybe just share a little bit about your own experience too.

Yeah, absolutely. So the top responses we got from men were that it feels frustrating, they feel embarrassed, they feel useless, like a failure, inadequate. And I have to say, I definitely relate with every single one of these. I think these are. If I had to come up with the five words to describe it, or five feelings or ideas, I can't think of anything else I would add to this list that really gets at it. Like, you know, it's just this frustrating. Like, why won't my body do what I want it to do? Why want to do what my mind wants? Embarrassing. And the like of failure and inadequate thing and useless. I think they all kind of hit at this same thing. This. This idea that we have built up. As a man, this is my job. This is what my body is supposed to do. Do When I want to be with somebody and I failed.

Sounds pretty intense. It is. Wow. Crack in the voice there.

Or it was. I should say it was. I've done a lot of work personally on this. We've done a lot of work together on this.

Yeah, we will talk about it.

I'm not. I'm not sure if. If this happens right now that I'm feeling all of those things so strongly, but I've been through a period of time. Absolutely. Where all those were very strong going through my body.

I'm curious, like, what's the experience of, like, the first thought that starts going through your head of, like, ooh, maybe this is not going the direction I want it to?

Well, it takes you completely out of your body, only into your mind. Like, when you get this feeling of, maybe I'm not as hard as I want to be, maybe this thing that happened before is going to happen again. Once that thought comes up, it feels like all of a sudden you're not really able to tune into your own experience anymore. So you might have been enjoying yourself. You probably were enjoying yourself either getting hard, or maybe you're in the middle of sex and you're having sex and it's feeling good, and then something shifts, and all of a sudden it's like you're not really there anymore. You're in your head, you're going through. You're spiraling through all these different things, like, oh, what if this happens? Oh, get hard, stay hard. Think about this, think about that. But the more you tell yourself to think about something else, you think about the thing you don't want to be thinking about. Yeah, yeah. It's just. It's a disorienting experience.

This is also reminding me of when we talk, when we had the episode about, like, getting distracted during sex. We were talking about how, you know, for women, I think it's a much more common experience to get distracted during sex. And I remember one of the first conversations you and I ever had. I think I asked you about, like, you know, oh, do you get distracted during sex, too? And you're like. Like, no. Like, I'm just in my body enjoying the experience.

Unless this happens.

Yeah. So it must be, like, a particularly jarring experience for you. Of, like, the vast majority of the time, you're used to just, like, being in your body in the moment, enjoying the experience, and now you're having this, like.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. You know, I can't speak for all men here, but yeah, I mean, I definitely. When I'm having Sex, I feel like I'm very much in my body and there's very little that can distract me. And so, yeah, when this happens, all of a sudden it's like, oh, my God. I don't know how to deal with this because it's. I just don't have a lot of experience dealing with distractions during sex. And I imagine it is somewhat similar to a woman who is struggling with her orgasm, perhaps, and, like, wanting to get there faster or being like, is it going to happen? Oh, is this. Is this good? Is this what I need? Is that like, oh, I'm taking a lot of time? Oh. And it's like, you know, I can imagine all those thoughts take you out of your body, take you out of the experience. And I think this is something, you know, maybe we can empathize with each other a bit more. And it's not the same. It's not the same experience. But, yeah, it's, you know, along the same lines and how we get in our head.

Yeah. Would you mind saying which of these four performance issues that we're talking about you have experienced personally? I was just thinking that might be a useful tidbit of information.

Yeah, absolutely. Honestly, I've experienced all four of these. I've experienced all of them. However, I do think that some of them are more like the impacts of other ones. So I think that the. The two that I've really struggled with were the. I don't know, the. The, like, presenting issues or whatever you would call it, would probably be struggling to get hard in the first place and losing your erection partway through.

Yeah. So you've experienced every single one of these. Your penis has misbehaved in all four ways.

Yeah. Oh, my penis has misbeh. Oh, yeah, baby.

Yeah, I like this reframe. Okay. So we just got a little deep dive into the psyche of one man and his experience with his penis. But we did ask women on Instagram, we said, you know, if you're the partner of a penis owner, what does it feel like for you when their penis is not cooperating? And here were the most common responses that we got. I did something wrong. It's my fault. I feel like he's not into it and I'm not attractive.

Interesting. So I think the key difference here, let's just run through the men. The male, once again, frustrating, embarrassing, useless. Like a failure, inadequate. I would like to highlight the fact there are none here that have anything to do with a partner. Like, failure, upset, she did something wrong.

Or like, she's not sexy.

Yeah. Like, anything about that? Like, disappointed. Anything like that. It's all of these very internal things. Like, you're embarrassed, you're frustrated at yourself. Something is wrong with you. So very interesting. Just wanted to, you know, highlight that.

Thanks, babe. Good job. Yeah, I mean, I think it's interesting. Like, we're both having kind of similar experiences in the moment. Even though it's happening to one person's body, like, there's a similarity of women are really going internal and, like, blaming themselves and feeling like it's all about them. So this is the most common pattern that we see with performance issues is that women take these things extremely personally, and we think it means something. The case of the mysterious misbehaving penis. I'm just really into that, that I came up with it, so I'm gonna keep repeating that.

But the case of the missing penis.

He's gone farted too hard. Yeah. I mean, you know, that's why we're getting all these DMs, is women reaching out and saying, like, what does this mean? I have these theories, and I want to make sure, you know, are they correct? So the most common things that come up are feeling like it's about our physical appearance. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not sexy enough. He's not attracted to me. My body isn't hot enough or good enough. And we'll get details there. Like, I'm not thin enough, don't have the right curves in the right places. My boobs aren't big enough. My butt isn't big. Like, it'll go everywhere.

Oh, yeah. I'm always surprised at how very specific they are. And it's like, wait, did he say that to you? And it's like, oh, no, but I know.

Yeah, exactly.

I wonder how you got such a very specific thing. Like, must be something that you are worried about.

Say, like, oh, my breasts are really saggy. And I know that he would prefer to have boobs that are, like, bigger and tighter and perkier and all this stuff. And you're like, oh, okay. So, yeah, it gets very specific. So it's usually around appearance, but it can also be around performance. Like, I'm not good enough at sex. Like, I'm not good at a hand job or a blow job or at intercourse or being in this certain position. Now, when we're specifically talking about a man losing an erection or not orgasming, one of the most common responses that we get from women is, it must be because I'm too loose. And this is Something that we've been taught to be very self conscious of. You know, it's our problem, even though what we're talking about is like two body parts that fitting together. So if there is a problem of there not being enough sensation, which, by the way, it's never that it's too loose. But if there was a problem, why is it the woman's fault and not the man's? Or why is it not, hey, these are just two totally random body parts and they're gonna fit together in their own unique way.

I think this one comes up a lot, especially if it's like, oh, he needs to finish himself off with his hand. We'll get into that a little later. But it's not about you.

Yeah, it just drives me nuts that, you know, we women are taught to be so self conscious and so embarrassed of, like, the tightness of our vaginal canal when, you know, it's not an issue, first of all. And second of all, even if it was an issue, we should not be the only one blaming ourselves in that moment.

Yeah. I mean, and then of course, this gets challenging for the guy who's having the issue himself, because we know that women tend to think this way. Especially, you know, if you bring this up and it's like, oh, God, you know, what's wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Like, what's going on? Then it, like, it adds this whole layer of pressure on top for the guy because he's like, oh, my God, I don't want you to feel that way. I better perform next time. Like, the only way for me to prove you wrong is by performing. And that sets up a problematic dynamic.

Which we will get back to too. I also want to point out sometimes women can go to some pretty dark places around this as well. So the two most common ones that we hear are he's secretly cheating and he's secretly gay. And like, you know, whenever we share a question of the day on Instagram, we'll share a woman saying like, oh, yeah, my partner has not been able to get it up or whatever. We will just get flooded with DMs of saying, you know, he's cheating or he's gay, he's cheating, or he's gay. And I just want to be super clear since we're talking about, you know, being gay here. Hopefully if you've listened to any of our podcasts before or followed us on Instagram, you know that Xander and I do not think being gay is a bad thing. And it really frustrates Us when it gets thrown around in this, like, negative way. So I just want to be super clear about that. But, yeah, it can stir up a lot of fears for women that there's something about me and then there's something really big going on. Right. So the really common pattern that we're seeing throughout all of this is that women are making penis issues all about themselves. I want to be vulnerable here and acknowledge that I can speak about this with a lot of detail because I have gotten a lot of messages about it, but because I also have been guilty of this myself. Like, in past relationships, in my relationship with Xander, like, Xander and I really went through a journey together of understanding how to approach this in a different sort of way. So I'm not trying to come down on women too harshly here. Like, I want to give you guys tools for how to deal with this in a more effective way, but I understand what you're going through, and I'm not sitting in a place of, like, judgment, of, like, how dare you do this? Because I've been there myself. I didn't have any other tools. I had all this bullshit socialization that had taught me that stuff was my fault. And it was important to me, you know, for me to be attractive and sexy and my body's supposed to be the right way.

Yeah. They're all reasonable assumptions given the way that we're raised, given the messages we get growing up. Like, there's nothing about this that is so off.

Yeah, absolutely. So I totally get this and I get how much it sucks and how much fear and, you know, self judgment it can bring up for women. And I have done literally everything that I'm going to tell you not to do in this episode. So I just want to be super clear of, like, yeah, the place that. That I'm coming from in this. And hopefully to give you some inspiration that even if it feels really hard in the moment, you can learn a better way of dealing with it. But, you know, I was taking some time to think about, like, where did this reaction come from inside of me? And a lot of it is just straight up the socialization that I received. You know, that we do get a lot of really crappy messages as women, and it's really easy for us to blame ourselves and to turn things. Things internal. So the vast majority of it was that. But I think I also struggled with a lack of compassion and maybe even, like, as I was even starting to train to become a sex therapist and learning more about sexuality, there was this lack of compassion on my Part because I sort of felt like men have it so much easier than women when it comes to sex in every regard. And, like, can't you at least just pursue, perform? Like, it came from a pretty dark place within me of, like, I have to deal with all this other shit about my body, and I smell weird and I taste weird, and I can't be too sexual, but I can't be a prude and all this stuff and, like, you know, where it feels so easy for men. And I think there was just this, like, huge resentment within me of, like, I have to deal with all this crap that men don't. The very least you can do is perform.

Yeah, I mean, it's, you know, it's like, oh, you got up this penis. You usually can, like, orgasm pretty easily. It's not that hard for you. Like, on the flip side of spending all this time, like, struggling to get to orgasm.

Oh, yeah. And my own orgasm struggles too. Like, everything about sex just felt so much easier for men. I'm curious what it. What it felt like for you, because as soon as I said that the, like, the least you could do is perform, you got a look on your face.

I mean, yeah, I mean, that. It feels like. Like, I mean, it just brings me back to that. That time early on in our relationship where hearing that, having a performance issue in that context, it just reinforces those feelings that I read that typically come up for men. Because what I hear, oh, well, the least you can do is this. It really triggers that, like, male provider thing where you go, yeah, well, yep, that's my fucking job. That's my fucking job. And that's the. You know, the least I could do is provide for each you. The least I can do is put a roof over your head. The least I can do is you. Every now and then. Every now and then, you know, like. And, yeah, it just. It hits home because it's like I was just saying a minute ago, where it's like, all these assumptions that women make make a lot of sense for me. It's like, even now I hear that, and I'm like, well, that sounds reasonable to me. Oh, man, that sounds reasonable to me. Like, you know, you're right. It is a lot easier for me. It is a lot easier having a penis in many, many, many ways. Except for this one way, I think, you know, and it's just from that perspective. Well, what's fair? Like, oh, you got to deal with these 10 things. I got to deal with one thing. It isn't fair.

Well, I Just. I want to be super clear with you right now that, like, that's not how I feel anymore. Like, that was me trying to go back to that period of our, you know. Yeah. This was something that we struggled with kind of early in our relationship. Like, it wasn't a huge issue, but it happened, you know, occasionally, and neither one of us knew how to deal with it in the moment. It's not an issue that we deal with, like, at all now. But, yeah, I just want to be clear for you. Cause I saw that look. That's not how I feel anymore. I know.

I know.

That was me, like, going back to, like, really trying to dig into the depths of my soul of, like, what was coming up for me then. But it makes me sad to say that and to hear you talking about that. Cause I can picture you internalizing that and turning it into the. This pressure on yourself, and that pressure just feels really sad and lonely.

Yeah.

And it just. Yeah, it's just making me think of, like, we have sex to be intimate and to connect with each other. And when I go back and think about, like, me having that attitude and you internalizing it in that way, it just feels like we were two people going through the physical motions of something, or at least trying to go through the physical motions of something and. But, like, being so disconnected and so far apart.

Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate that. I know. I know that this isn't how you feel now. We've done a lot of work and action and talking about it and whatnot. So I do know that. Yeah. What I was just gonna say is that in the past, it brought up a really crappy dynamic between the two of us, where then, you know, I felt like I need to defend myself in terms of trying to share my experience of, like, what is it like to feel like the. Like. I'm putting this in quotes. Like, the sexual gatekeeper. In order for us to have intercourse, I have to be hard. And back then, we had no tools to talk about this. It was like, if I want to have any chance for you to have an orgasm, I need to be hard. That's wrong. I know that now. But, yeah, it felt like, for me, it was like all this pressure of, like. Well, in order for us to have a, quote, good experience having sex, I have to be hard. And so, yeah, I have it so easy in so many ways, but it's hard to describe, like, the burden of that. Of being that gatekeeper. And, I mean, I think the real key to solving this problem was understanding that I Am not the gatekeeper. I was the gatekeeper for the type of sex that we were having then.

Yeah.

The idea that my penis was 100% responsible for your orgasm, that there was only one way to have a successful session of sex. You know, it had to be. We had to totally reframe, like, what sex means.

Yeah.

And what our roles were within.

We'll. We'll get to all of that. But, yeah, it was definitely a journey. I want to share one interesting little twist in this whole story, which is that there's one specific penis performance issue which is orgasming too quickly.

Yes.

That is the one thing that women don't make about themselves. So we never get DMs of women saying, like, my partner orgasms too quickly, and that must mean I'm too sexy, Too tight is too hot. I'm too tight. Everything's so good. So it's really interesting that the one potential positive twist that we couldn't put on it. We're not doing it. We're still making it about ourselves. So the bottom line with penis problems is that it is not about you.

The woman, as much as it might really feel strongly that way in the moment, because it's the same for guys. As much as those feelings are going to come up of inadequacy, of failure, et cetera. Yeah. You know, this isn't. This isn't the podcast addressed to men, but, like, you know, the spoiler alert for that one is that, you know, you need to work through those feelings. They can come up, but, like, those aren't really true in that, like, it's your fault.

Yeah. Yes, absolutely. So if you're a woman, you know, having sex with a man who's having some penis issues, the more that you make it about yourself, the more these issues will probably continue.

Yep.

So I think here's where we can get a little bit more into our story, because I think what happened for us unfolded in the way that it very commonly does. So performance issues can be caused by a number of different things. You know, medications, medical conditions, mental health issues, all kinds of stuff. But honestly, like, the most frequent cause is that a performance issue happens just once, kind of randomly, out of nowhere, and it starts to spiral from there.

Yep.

So do you want to describe, like. Yeah. What that felt like for you? About, you know, so we have a random. I think, you know, I don't remember the exact first time that it happened for us, but I think there was probably one time that you, like, couldn't really get hard.

Just wasn't Working. Yeah. Or maybe I lost it partway through. I don't remember. It's one of those two. I would say the feelings of those two are pretty similar. Yeah.

So actually, maybe I should go first. So the things that I used to do were, you know, I remember getting really upset and feeling like, oh, my God. Like, this is. It's totally about me. Like, he's not into it. I'm not sexy. And I would get really shut down. Just, like, not want to talk to Xander. I would put a stop to things. There were definitely times that I think I, like, jumped up out of the bed and just, like, left the room to, like, go to the bathroom or just, like, get up. And it was kind of like, okay, things are done now. So I did a lot of. A lot of. You know, I had a lot of bad reactions, and I don't remember which one, you know, came first or how that all unfolded. But for you, I'm sure you probably remember that feeling of, like, okay, so it happens just once. I have some sort of really negative response to it. You probably don't feel good about it just on your own, too.

Yeah. I mean, for me, what it felt like in those moments is, yeah, I felt that initial embarrassment, that initial feeling of inadequacy. And my gut reaction was to want to somehow have some emotional closeness with you. And then. But, you know, like, if you're getting up and leaving, then it's like, oh, my God, I can't get that. What am I gonna do? And then kind of feeling like, oh, I guess I need to find a way to, like, verbally explain myself and explain something that I can't really explain. I can't tell you. Yeah. Because it's random. I can't tell you exactly what happened. And it's like, it feels like an impossible situation because I'm like, well, how do I explain this? Short of finding a fake explanation of, like, we moved to this position, and all of a sudden I didn't. I don't know. It's not like my penis isn't a computer. Where it's, like, giving me error messages. Where it's, like, error. You know, like, 404 code. Yeah, 404. Like, this position did not load properly. Like, message not received. So I feel like I probably went really back and forth on, like, trying to describe what it's like for me, but then feeling, like, guilty because it shouldn't be this hard for me. Like, I have it so easy. Doesn't feel fair to be like, oh, feel so bad for Me and my penis.

It's interesting hearing you say that, though, because it's pulling me back into those moments, and I feel like I really wanted an explanation. That would have been the only way for me to feel like it wasn't about me. But hearing you say this now, I'm like, there's no freaking way there could have been an actual explanation. No.

Yeah. And so then, you know, the other side of that impossible situation is them being like, do I try to point to some logical explanation? I will say, though, that, like, you know, in those moments, I would feel some motivation to want to at least, like, try to point to some innocuous reason. But then I'd feel like, well, what? Like, I'm just gonna, like, come up with some reason, and then she's gonna feel bad about herself. Like, that doesn't feel fair either. So it just feels like this impossible situation, especially if it's not the first time it's happened. Like, you know how easy it is for your partner to start making it feel like it's about them. So you don't want to be like, let me come up with some random reason that might explain this, and then she's going to feel bad about herself. It's like, I can't really explain what it is.

Yeah. So what happened with us is really the common pattern that we see happening with the vast majority of couples. There's this one random time that it happens. Neither partner is able to respond to it well in the moment, and then it. It snowballs from there. So, I mean, yeah, for you, like, I'm sure the next time we have sex.

Oh, yeah, I was about to get into this part. Yeah. So then the next time you have sex, because unless you end up resolving the 1. The first performance issue in a really nice, happy, clean way, which you probably haven't if you're listening to this podcast. I know we definitely didn't. You start having sex, things are going well, and all of a sudden you remember, huh. I wonder if that thing that happened last time might happen again. What's gonna happen if that happened? What's that gonna feel like? Oh, that's not gonna feel good. Oh, yeah. Well, like, hey, oh, well, this. This is feeling good. Maybe it's not gonna happen. Oh. Oh, wait. Nope. Are you still feeling as hard as you were a second? Oh. Oh. Oh. Maybe it's. Oh, God. Is it happening? It's happening.

Penis problems in bed.

In bed. Yeah. So, I mean, whether you erection midway through sex or other activities, or you're struggling to get the erection. It's. Those thoughts are happening either when it's like, you're starting to make out and it's, oh, great, I can't wait to have sex. And then you're like, I'm not getting hard. I wonder. I wonder why I'm not getting with any of them.

The like, oh, God, I better last longer this time because I had an embarrassing performance last time. Oh, yeah, right? Or like, yeah, God, I hope I can orgasm this time because last time took way too long.

Oh, yeah. I mean, yeah. And. And then for me, it might be like, let's say I lost my erection partway through the next time. I'm like, okay, we're having sex. I'm good, I'm hard. And you start thinking about that and then you're like, okay, maybe I could just finish really quick. And it would be better to finish because then at least like, we completed. We completed the sex. Like, it's better to complete it too fast. And I come and she doesn't. Than me losing it in the middle. Because that then is just everyone.

So now you're. Now you're talking about how one penis issue can lead to other penis issues.

Oh, yeah. I mean, and then the other one as well has happened where I'm like, I lost it halfway through. I didn't give her an orgasm back then. It was like, I wasn't really thinking about other ways I could be giving you orgasms. And then I definitely had a number of experiences where I had delayed ejaculation as a result of. Of getting so in my head about like, okay, like, I gotta make sure she comes. And then all of a sudden I'm like, okay, well, I'm hard, but like, I'm not anywhere close. Like, what the hell do I do now?

Yeah, and this is definitely what I've seen in my sex therapy practice is that one penis issue can lead to another. So if it's, you know, he orgasm too quickly, then he's feeling so anxious about he's gonna orgasm too fast again that now he can't get it hard. Or he couldn't get it hard. Now he's so nervous about it and wanting to make sure it happens that he comes too quickly. They can just all feed into each other and it can get so much more complicated. So the bottom line with penis issues is that our bodies are not machines. They do not always do what we want them to do. So you are going to deal with penis problems at some point in your life, if you haven't already. It's just a part of being human. Our bodies do not always do what we want do to them to do. You're not going to be able to completely eliminate or prevent them from happening. But if you can deal with them better in the moment, you can drastically decrease the likelihood of them continuing to happen in the future. So let's talk about what to do in the moment instead. So the very first thing is, don't make it a big deal. Do not start crying. Do not accuse him of being secretly gay or cheating. Do not get out of bed in a huff. Do not close down and refuse to talk to him, especially if it's the first few times that it's happened. The lighter you can be like, easy breezy in those moments, the better. So if it's just like, oh, no big deal, move on to the next thing. In terms of practically what to do, I think it's great to suggest doing something else. So Xander was talking earlier about how he felt like he was the sexual gatekeeper for so long. His penis had to be hard and cooperating in order for. For us to have sex. The bottom line, though, is that you can have sex in a lot of different ways, and not all of them require an erect penis.

Yeah. I mean, speaking of that male desire to be the provider, like, give him a job, give him something to do.

Say, why don't you go down on me instead? Or touch me or use this toy on me, or let's make out for a while, or why don't you give me a massage? Like, there's so many different things that you can do with each other. So if you keep it really light of, like, you know, you notice that he's not start, you know, he's not getting hard or whatever it is. Like, oh, no big deal. Why don't you go down on me for a minute instead? Redirect, let's do something else. And I particularly like asking the guy to focus on the woman because it takes the focus off of his body entirely.

Yes.

And he's just focusing on her and it gives her chance to experience more pleasure. And that's going to give him a boost of confidence as well. Of like, ah, I can make her feel good without the cooperation of my penis.

Definitely.

The other big tip that I will say is really try to have compassion in that moment. And again, I'm speaking from a place of like, I did not have compassion around this. So I get that it can be challenging, but I really think that there's a way for this to be a bonding Experience. Because the reality is all of us have experiences of our body not doing something that we wanted it to do. There is. Is a common experience here. Right. And I think that this was the turning point for Xander and me is that we started connecting in those moments. Rather than, like, driving each other apart, it was really me driving. Driving a wedge between the two of us. I'll take responsibility for that there. But once we started bonding, I remember you being vulnerable with me and sharing, like, this is really hard on me. Like, this. This is stirring up so much. And that was the thing that finally got through to me of, like, oh, my God, I have been making this all about myself, and I have been not being very compassionate. And it did turn into a real bonding experience between the two of us.

Yeah. I think one of the real key things here is that you can. A couple. You can have compassion without being coddling. Like, I think that a lot of people are feeling like, oh, well, he has it so easy. Like, if I have compassion in this area, then it's somehow unfair. Or it's like he can just get away with whatever. And it's like, you can be compassionate without being, like, over the top also.

Yeah. Coddling in the sense of like. Like, I have worked with couples in the past where the woman would go, really over the top. Like, it's okay, baby. Don't worry about it. It's all, oh, my God, you should see Xander's face right now. He's like, no, I had to close my eyes. So you don't want to go so over the top. Like, it's okay. It's okay. Everything's gonna be just fine. Like, don't treat him like a child. Don't infantilize him in those moments again, it's like, easy breezy, hey, no big deal. Let's do this instead.

Yeah. And then the other point I wanted to make is that it doesn't have to be this zero sum game. I think a lot of us get this idea in our head of, like, if I'm compassionate with him now, then he's never been compassionate with me about my struggles with orgasm or with this or with that or whatever. And I think a lot of people get in this very deadlocked position where they feel like he hasn't been compassionate enough with me, therefore, I'm not going to be compassionate enough with him. Or, like, I have it hard in these three ways, and he has it hard in this one way. So it's still like, he needs to have it hard in another way. In Order for it to be even. As long as you're looking at it from the sort of scarce perspective or the zero sum perspective, you're both never going to win. Like someone is always going to be losing and that's not going to be fun ever.

Yeah. And if it does stir up feelings for you, if it brings up self consciousness of like, I'm not sexy enough, I'm not good at sex, my body doesn't look good, like, I don't mean to say that you're not allowed to have those feelings. Like we don't have control over our feelings. You can't prevent yourself from having those feelings. The point is for you to deal with those on your own at a different time. So don't cry in the moment or like accuse him of like, you don't like me, you don't think I'm sexy, you're not attracted to me. Like, keep them to yourself and you can process them in therapy or with your journal or talking it out with a friend or something like that.

Yeah. Your partner is not the appropriate person to process that stuff with because the only thing that they can take from that is that they have some responsibility. There's not really any place for them, nothing that they can do to really help you other than to reassure you, but that even even just reassuring you, like, they're going to be taking on some burden of like, wait, she really thinks that I'm not attracted to her. Like, it just plants so many seeds in your mind that aren't effective.

Yeah. And then the final thing that we want to say is of course performance issues can become perpetual. Like they're happening all the time. And we, we said earlier that there can be be a lot of different causes for things, a lot of different things that can come up other than just the snowball effect that we've been talking about. So if performance issues have turned into a major issue in your relationship, then definitely check out our modern man's guide. We'll put a link to that in the show notes. But it goes over each of these four performance issues and gives really practical tactical tips for overcoming every single one of them. I've worked with thousands of men with all kinds of different issues and I've developed, developed a lot of different techniques. Bottom line with performance issues is that they are very solvable. It's not like you're doomed and it's always going to happen, even though it might feel like that in your head sometimes.

Yeah. And they're also the vast, vast, vast majority of these problems are psychosomatic. They're not medical problems. I think a lot of people hear, oh, he's having recurring penis problems, or I'm having recurring penis problems. And they go straight to the doctor and say, oh, my God. I think Ivy and some. Yes, absolutely. Ed is a real dysfunction, but the vast majority of people who think they have it don't.

Yeah. So check out the Modern Man's Guide. We will put that link in the show. Notes. Bottom line here, penises do not always do what you want them to do. We have cracked the case. It does not mean anything when they are not performing. So we thought that we would do something a little different with our listener questions that this week, I thought I'd turn them around and ask them to you as our resident penis owners. So our first question here is a really tactical one, and this is one that I have dealt with myself. Sometimes you're in the moment as a woman. Let's say you're going down on him or you're giving him a hand job and he's just not getting hard. Like, at what point do you stop trying and, like, is there something beneficial you could say in the moment to, like. Like, start talking about it?

All right, well, I think that you're gonna have to first have a conversation outside of the bedroom in a neutral situation about this in general. Like, if. If this is something he struggles with frequently, maybe talking about, like, what is it like for him? And talking about, what are. What are some things that might feel good for you to hear in the moment? What are some other activities that you might be interested in. In doing if you're struggling? Because I know from my experience in struggling to get hard. Well, the first thing is that for me, my perception of time, like, totally shoot. I don't know if it speeds up or slows down. Basically, short amounts of time feel very, very long, and I get really concerned of, oh, my God, I'm taking so long. I'm taking so long. And then Vanessa will be like, it's been, like, two minutes. But so, like, I can assure you that probably for him, it probably feels like it's taking even longer. So just kind of talking about what. What is that like for him? What are some things that he might like to hear? Might it feel better for him to switch to another activity? Because I think you can get very overly focused. You know, like, if Vanessa's trying to get me hard, I can get very overly focused on, oh, my God, this is my job. I have to get hard. Versus it might. It might feel Real good to be like, oh, yeah, you know what? Like, I would actually love for you to invite me to go down on you or to use a toy on you or switch it up, because Vanessa was just saying this before that it can be really good to get out of your own head and focus on your partner. But I think talking that stuff through in advance is the key in kind of coming up with a game plan. You could also even kind of come up with, like, a code word or a safe word to use in the moment that kind of reminds you of, oh, are we reaching that point where it might be good, good to switch so that you don't have to hear like, hey, this isn't working. Let's do something else.

I think if I'm thinking back to when this, you know, was happening for us, I think you were usually the one who would stop me and. Yeah, exactly what you were saying. Like, you would stop pretty quickly if it wasn't happening. And I think one of the phrases that I started saying to you that seemed to be really helpful was, as long as you're enjoying it, I'm going to keep going. So I was trying to reframe for you. Like, the point of me giving you a blow job is not to, like, get you hard as quickly as possible. The point of me giving you a blowjob is for you to feel good. So as long as it was feeling good for you, regardless of how your penis was responding, then I was gonna keep going.

Yeah. I mean, I think this just gets back to the importance of each of you sharing your experiences, because I think what often happens is, like, he's sitting there trying to get hard, thinking, oh, my God, what is this like for her? Was this, like, for her? Oh, my God, she must be so sick of this. And then, you know, on the flip side, the partner doing this is like, oh, my God, like, what am I doing? Am I doing something wrong? Like, what's wrong with him? So it's just. Yeah. Sharing your experiences and trying to reframe it based on, like, pleasure and, like, you know, I want this to be pleasurable. Is this feeling pleasurable to you? And maybe instead of it being like, oh, I'm harder, I'm not hard. It's like, like, okay, this is feeling pleasurable. I'd like to continue versus this is not feeling pleasurable anymore. Let's switch it up.

Okay. And then our second and last question is how to deal with the guilt of getting off despite your partner having performance issues and not being able to himself. So she's saying she feels bad about getting off when he's not able to.

Oh, yeah, I totally understand that. This is a really good question. Of course, it is totally natural that you have that feeling of guilt coming up. So I think, I think first step would just be to validate to yourself, hey, this is a valid feeling to be having right now. But then I think trying to reframe to remind yourself, you don't need to feel guilty for this.

You're not doing something bad.

Yeah. You are not the culprit of the issue that your partner is having. And you both, you know, the goal of sex is that you both deserve pleasure. You know, maybe not everybody orgasms every single time, but it's both about pleasure. And so maybe just, just remind yourself you deserve pleasure and if you can have an orgasm, great, you have an orgasm.

Honestly, I think that that was something that came up, you know, when we were experiencing this, is that it could feel like a win if at least one of us had an orgasm. Right? So rather than like sabotaging the whole thing and like, okay, well, if you're not gonna orgasm, I'm not going to either. Like, it actually would give you confidence sometimes if, you know, you, you knew for yourself, like, it's just not gonna happen, happen. But you were able to help me have an orgasm.

Oh, yeah.

Get a win.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, yeah, that would absolutely take some pressure off. And I think what we would often do is I would help you get an orgasm, and then usually you'd offer, hey, if you are feeling up for it later, like, I'm open for it later, or I'm open to give you a blow job or a hand job or something, because, yeah, it's like we each can have empathy for each other on the sexual frustration feeling of, like, wanting to have an orgasm and then not being able to. And yeah, I mean, the other comparison I would give here is it's like, let's say your partner has the stomach flu and they can't eat very much food. They can't hold food down. That's not. Think about, think about the throwing up. But, like, you're not going to be, you know, your partner's eating bland food, right. To just get a couple nutrients in. That's all they can handle. You don't need to eat bland food too. No one else is going to be like, okay, oh my God, all I can do is eat toast because that's all you can eat. Like, you are allowed to eat, you know, a normal meal. And I'd say 99% of the population does not feel bad about that. And so I think this is really the same thing. It's sex and food are both, like, biological needs that we have. It is okay for you to have your needs met. It's more than okay. Like, it's good for you to have your needs met, whether your partner is able to in that moment or not.

All right, well, we are wrapping up this episode. Episode closing this case. I hope that we've given you a totally different laughing at me. It's cute. The case of the misbehaving Penis. I hope this has given you a reframe of, you know, what penis problems actually mean and a better, healthier, happier way to deal with them in the moment. And we also just wanted to say performance issues on the man's part, on the woman's part, like, they definitely can make sense, feel a whole lot more complicated and less pleasurable and enjoyable. And, like, we keep saying, like, they can really snowball and cause so many other issues. And so we just wanted to give you a little hint that if you have been experiencing sex that's not feeling very enjoyable, not very connecting, maybe you're even having less sex because the sex that you are having isn't feeling so exciting. We are gonna have something coming up out in a couple of weeks. Just keep an eye out. Come follow us on Instagram Therapy. Make sure you're on our email list. You can go to vmtherapy.com subscribe and we will have something exciting coming your way.

All right, well, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about dry spells.

Sam.