Episode 49: The Truth About Squirting (And Why Men Are Obsessed With It)

I want to be clear. I don't think there's anything wrong with squirting. If you're somebody who squirts and you do get enjoyment or pleasure out of it, like, that is awesome. What I do get fired up about is people feeling like it's this new bar that's been set. Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.

And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationships while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

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Mmm. I love my sexy galoshes.

Today we talking about squirting.

Woo.

So this is one of the most popular topics that we get asked about. It is everywhere. And I feel like, especially in the last year or a couple of years, like, it's gotten a lot more popular. We're getting more and more questions about it. It's been really interesting for me to watch the history of squirting unfold, because in the early stages of my career, I used to get a lot of messages about it, but they were only about how to stop squirting. Women and vulva owners would tell me, I do this thing. It's really embarrassing. I feel like nobody else does it. How do I get it to stop? And so, on the one hand, it's been really great that we're talking about it more openly because we're always about trying to normalize things, help people realize there's nothing wrong with you. You're totally normal.

Yeah. Squirting has for sure been normalized and then some.

And then some. Exactly. So nowadays, everybody wants to know how to squirt or how to make their partner squirt. So it's done this total 180 from what I used to see early in career. And I think it's gotten to the point where a lot of people feel pressure around it. Like, now it's, is there something wrong with me if I don't squirt?

Yeah, it's like pressure or you feel less than, like, I can't do it. Something's wrong with me. I'm unfeminine. I'm not enjoying myself. To the fullest.

Yep. Oh, yeah. But it's really interesting because a lot of people don't even know what squirting actually is. So it's this pressure that we're putting on ourselves and on our partners to do this thing that we don't even fully understand. So today, we are going to give you your crash course in everything squirting.

Before we get into that, though, we are going to get into our review of the week, which has nothing to do with squirting. I don't think. I haven't read it yet, but amazing podcast. Love V and X. Oh, no. And then there was more in the headline and it got cut off.

This is quite a title.

You'll never know. Recently got back into an intimate relationship and intentionally wanted to be more confident and daring in the bedroom. Since I'm 47 and wasted so many years having mediocre sex. Found this podcast and stopped searching for any others. Oh, seems like I learned something from Vanessa and Xander daily. I enjoy their candor and their relationship so much during the podcast. Sorry, I just got tripped up over my own pronunciation of candor. Candor. Xandor. Xandor's candor. Let's try that again. Seems like I learned something from Vanessa and Xander Daly. I enjoy their candor and their relationships so much during the podcast. Looking forward to learning more and making sex even better than it is right now, which my boyfriend recently said is mind blowing and earth shattering. Hell yeah.

Mind blowing and earth shattering.

Oh, yeah. I like it.

Now, we have a question for you. Do you want a free mini personalized coaching session? If you do, then you're not eligible, babe. Sorry.

Damn.

If you do want one, then make sure to enter our review of the week giveaway. Every week we pick a review review to feature, and if you are the winner, you can message us over on Instagram and we will give you a free personalized coaching session. It's our little way of saying thank you for leaving reviews. I really don't think people understand just how important reviews are to a podcast. Like, we cannot reach new people and grow the podcast and keep making these episodes without you. So we really, really appreciate you taking the time to leave a review on Apple Podcasts and a star rating on Spotify.

Yeah, and tell your friends about the podcast too. Share it on Instagra. Send a text to a couple people. It helps so much.

Thank you. So let's jump right into it and answer the big question. What is squirting? So squirting is the expulsion of fluid out of a woman's urethra. And this brings us right into the biggest misconception about squirting, which is that a lot of people think, isn't it just peeing?

Yeah.

Are you just peeing yourself?

Yeah. Or a lot of people come to us and are like, oh, my God, I pee during sex. What's wrong with me?

Yeah. And this was a lot of the, you know, the questions that I was getting earlier in my career about it. A lot of people thinking like, oh, my God, I'm just peeing myself. What's happening?

Yeah. People didn't even know the term squirting to apply to this. It was just like, oh, my God, I'm pissing myself. How do I stop?

So here's the thing about squirting. It is not urine.

Busted myth busted.

It does pass through the urethra. So we have to do a quick little anatomy detour.

All right.

A lot of people don't realize that vulva owners have three holes down there.

I have for sure lost a bet about this. I think I was a freshman or a sophomore in college, very embarrassingly. Whereas I think you were a lot.

Younger, like, first grade.

Future sex therapist here, future regular guy making a fool of himself on a drunken night in college.

But, hey, that's okay. We've actually polled this before on our Instagram account. Like, how many holes does a woman have down there? And a. I think it was something like a third of people thought that there were only two. So I don't want to shame people for not knowing how many holes there are down there. It's really just a evidence of how bad our sex education is that we don't know these basic information about our, you know, how our bodies work. So there are three holes down there. You've got your anus, which you poop out of.

All right, so we're going back to front, right?

Yes. Back to front anus. Back there, you've got your vagina, which is where you have intercourse or penetration. If that's part of your sex life.

It'S where the babies come out.

True. And there is also the urethra, which is where we urinate out of. So this is, I think, what creates that confusion about. Well, isn't it just pee because it's coming out of the urethra? So it might have a familiar sort of sensation, and it might even smell a little bit like pee, but it is not urine. It is a fluid that's created by the Skene's glands. And so, again, they're coming out through the same hole, the squirt and the urine. So the thing is that there may be traces of urine in ejaculate, but it's not the same thing. It's not that you're just peeing yourself in that moment.

Yeah. And it turns out that the exact same thing happens to men and to penis owners, because when you ejaculate, it comes out your urethra. Okay, confession time. When we know we don't have it recorded. It's not part of the podcast, but I did actually just stop and confirm with Vanessa because I myself did not receive the greatest sex education, and I just needed to confirm. Male ejaculate does come out the urethra. Right. Like, there's not another hole down there.

You didn't know, baby. You got five holes down there.

Shit. Five holes.

Five.

Oh, man, I got to go back to school.

But two. Only two. Okay.

So, yeah, it's the exact same thing for guys. You ejaculate through the urethra. That's why, I mean, there is a somewhat similar sensation, like, when you really have to go pee and you start.

I love that you're getting really making this jacking off hand motion over here.

I don't know. That was something that was, like, a really bad.

You've just been, like, jacking in the air for, like, the last 30 seconds or so. I'm. I'm interested in this.

Great. I'm glad that people can't see it. Really glad we aren't on video right now. Yeah. I mean, that's kind of like if you were a guy and you have to pee really bad, it can kind of feel a bit, like, for a moment, right when you start to pee, it's sort of an adjacent feeling to ejaculate.

Little tiny bit of pleasure with that.

Yeah, it's not quite as good, but, yeah, you know, it's the exact same thing. You know, if you were to analyze the ejaculate, there's obviously going to be a little bit of urine because it's coming through the same pipe, basically.

And we're going to talk a lot about the ways that we approach CIS women and CIS men in this episode. And I think this already is an example that there's a lot of shame around, squirting around, like, oh, you're just peeing on yourself. And that's so gross and weird. But we're just talking about little traces of urine here. And we. We don't do the same thing with men. Right. You don't hear, like, oh, my God, he's coming out of the same hole. That's so gross.

Yeah, you gotta stop, like, make it come out of somewhere else.

The fourth hole instead.

Shoot it out your butt. Come out your butt. Damn it. But.

We already shared that story on a different podcast.

We did.

Okay, Pretty sure pissed out my ass.

I don't know.

Xander got. Someone yelled at Xander once. You'll go back through the podcast episodes.

It was a strange. It was a strange self deprecating insult that the person gave themselves. It was very confusing. But so, yeah, we don't make men feel bad about there being some urine in their ejaculate. Like, oh, don't ejaculate like that. That's gross. It has urine. And on the flip side, we also don't tell guys, like, just pee during sex too, because that's like, it's like an extra ejaculation. It was like, we do this to women where it's like, it's either like, ooh, that squirting is gross. That, or it's like, oh, my. We fetishize it. It's like, oh, my God, I got. You got a squirt. You got a squirt. You got a squirt. Like, who is ever telling guys like, oh, I need a peeing orgasm. Give me, give me a piss and orgasm, please.

Piss. An orgasm. That's actually a really interesting example because.

I, I don't know why we didn't think of this one until just now. His and orgasm.

That'll be our new guide. Xander's piss and orgasm.

Oh, my God. I could sell piss pills instead of dick pills.

It's an interesting one, though, because I think one of the very few weird things that we do do around CIS men and sex, or I think men do it to themselves, is like, you want to have a lot of ejaculate, like a big load.

Here's, here's the secret, guys. You don't. You don't need a big load. You just need big piss. Oh, I think I broke Vanessa.

I think you did.

We gotta continue. We gotta continue with the podcast, babe.

All right, with all this piss talk, we do have to just make sure we say urinary incontinence does exist as well. So if you are worried, like, I don't know, this really looks like pee. It smells very strongly. I'm having incontinence at other times of the day, like, definitely go see a pelvic floor physical therapist. But for the vast majority of people, it is not urine. Okay. Some other things to know about squirting. It's usually more of a dribble than an all out squirt. So I think a lot of people, they hear the word squirting and they think of it like, really as like a big squirt or even like a hose.

Yeah, I mean, squirting is the wrong term, really, because I think a squirt implies something kind of shooting a bit.

Like, there you go with your jacking off.

Like a male. Honestly, like a guy. Yeah, honestly, a guy coming is like, squirt would be a better term for male ejaculation, to be perfectly honest.

I think a lot of people think more of like a gush for women. Of like. No, it's not even that. What's like a high volume, high pressure, like a hose kind of thing? Like, it's really gonna come out. It's gonna go.

Fire hose?

Yeah, it's gonna go all the way across the room. It's gonna be a lot of fluid. Like it just comes out with. With pressure.

That's what we see in porn sometimes. And so we have this idea of, oh, my God, that's how it should be. But also in porn, you see guys like coming six feet across the room and. I don't know about you.

Piss and orgasm.

Yeah, I don't know about you. I sure don't do that.

So. Yeah, so a lot of people who squirt, it tends to be, you know, more of a dribble. You might not even notice that you're doing it because it just comes out and you're doing other things you don't notice. The amount that can come out can really vary from person to person. But typically it can be only about like a teaspoon, a tablespoon of liquid. So it's not this fire hose kind of experience that a lot of people are expecting.

Yeah, and it's also not like an everyday or a regular occurrence too. Like, it may or may not happen when you're having sex. And it can be due to a whole variety of reasons, just like what day it is. It's not like squirting is like, oh, squirting Tuesdays. But, you know, it could be like, you know, one day you have sex, you squirt, the next day you have sex, you don't squirt. It can really depend on what positions you're in, what body parts are being stimulated, and especially, like, what type of toys are being used.

Another question that people have is, are all vulva owners capable of squirting? And to that, the Answer is, we don't really know.

Yeah, sorry.

As you might imagine, it is very difficult to get research funded around squirting. Anything around sexuality in general tends to be hard to fund. Women's sexuality in particular.

Hey, so if you want to fund some research, hit us up. We'll put something together. Would you like to sponsor some scientific research?

This is a whole new dimension of our business now.

I know we could raise money for research.

That's actually really cool.

Well, put it on the back. Put it on the list.

It's reminding me of you. You, like, geeked out about the double blind studies a couple of episodes ago. So I know you've got some research background. Maybe we're. We just.

It's been a while.

The Marin Research Facility. Sexual research. That's actually kind of cool.

The Marin Sex Institute. Sextitute.

Oh, I like it.

That sounds dirty.

The Marin Institute. Okay, so, yeah, there isn't a ton of research on this, so we don't know. There's not a great answer to whether or not everybody, you know, all vulva owners are capable of this. There have been a couple of really small studies. There was one that I found with 300 women and only 7 self reported that they have squirted in a different study. Again, this is a pretty small one, but researchers estimated, I don't know how they estimated, but that 10 to 50% of women will involuntarily experience it at least once in their lives.

Oh, yeah.

Very big range there, right?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm not sure how you determine at one point in your life you will do this, because I can guarantee you for like the last 50 years they have not been researching this to be like, oh, what's the likelihood at this age and that age and that age? But who knows?

Yeah. So that, I mean, honestly, that's some of the best research out there. And that's obviously not very good numbers. Right?

I mean, based on the questions that we get about it, you know, it's definitely a number of women can squirt. We got. We get a lot of high volume of questions about it, and we get a high volume of questions from people that are like, my partner wants me to squirt. Oh, my God, what do I do? I can't do it. So 50, 50. Less than 50. 50. You know, somewhere between 20% and 50% is my guess.

All right.

My very scientific guess.

The most important thing that you need to know about squirting, if there's one thing that you come away from this episode having learned it Is that squirting. Squirting is not orgasming. Those are two totally different processes. So you can orgasm without squirting and you can squirt without orgasming. This is something that I get so passionate about sharing with women because there are so many women who will message us and say, you know, I feel like my orgasm doesn't count unless I squirted. Like, squirting seems to be the sign that it was a really good orgasm, that it even was an orgasm in the first place. And that is just not true. Squirting is a kind of random involuntary bodily process. It has nothing to do with orgasm. Sometimes it can happen around the same time as orgasm, but it is not the same thing. So if you have never squirted, that does not mean that the pleasure that you've experienced in your body somehow doesn't count.

Yeah, I mean, it's a very male centric way of thinking to assume that squirting must equal orgasm. Because I think that that idea comes from. For a man when he ejaculates, that's nearly always an orgasm. Like, there's a close to one to one correlation there. And therefore when something visually similar happens to a woman, then these two things must be tied together. But we know that what works for women is not the same as what works for men. So we gotta get rid of this idea that like, oh, well, if this is how it is for a guy, it must be like that for a woman.

Absolutely. And actually you bring up a really good point because. Because most people don't realize that for a penis owner, orgasm and ejaculation are actually separate processes. They are more linked than they are for vulvas. And you're right that like 99.9% of the time they tend to happen like within the same millisecond of each other. So it's really easy to think of them as the same thing, but they actually are separate bodily processes. So the thing that makes squirting really interesting is that for the vast majority of people who experience is not really that pleasurable. So it can be pleasurable if it's coming around the same time as an orgasm. Because your orgasm, it's what's pleasurable. But the physical act of fluid coming out of your urethra is not inherently pleasurable in and of itself. Like a few minutes ago you mentioned peeing that there can be like. Yeah, there's a little bit of a.

Like, ah, immediate release. And it's like once you start, then it's like, okay, cool, now I'm Just peeing.

Yeah. But I don't think that most people would not describe peeing as a. Oh, it's so pleasurable. I just can't wait to be.

Can't wait.

And actually, for a lot of people, the feeling of squirting can be uncomfortable or unwanted. So I just pulled two quotes that people sent us over Instagram. One woman said, I hate the feeling of it. It feels like overstimulation, burning. Wetting yourself.

Yeah. I mean, if I think about what peeing would feel like if I was in the middle of, like, highly pleasurable sex, it feels like it would be. Be too much too, like, conflicting feelings going on. Like, no, like, I don't want this. It's too. It's too much.

Another person said, I do squirt a lot of fluid, and it's such an inconvenience. We've tried everything. Towels, extra comforters. But I soak through all of it. We had to get a protective cover for our mattress, like the kind you use for kids who wet the bed. Even then, we still have to clean all the sheets and blankets after sex. It creates a huge barrier around intimacy. So this is obviously somebody who scored some much volume than is typical. But I've heard stuff like this, you know, from other people before of, like, it's such an inconvenience and it doesn't even feel that good or, you know, I remember there was somebody else who told me, I do it, and my partner gets so fixated on it and wants it to happen every single time and be this, you know, we're gonna talk about partner stuff in a second. But bottom line is that for a lot of people, it's just not really that enjoyable of an experience.

Yeah, it is not. It is not what it looks like in porn. I think in porn, they make it look really pleasurable. They often make it look like it's happening around the same time as orgasm. And I mean, in reality, in porn, I think squirting most of the time is actually people just peeing. Right? Like, they're performing, they're doing something that they think you want to see, and you are eating it up and you are getting these ideas in your head about what it really is, when in fact, it is not actually like that at all. It's kind of like faking orgasm. They are faking peeing. They are faking orgasms.

No, they're real peeing.

Oh, yeah, Sorry, sorry. They are faking squirting. They are real peeing. They are faking orgasms. Like, it is Entertainment people. It is not reality.

Absolutely. So squirting gets me really fired up because it becomes this performative thing. You know, like I was saying at the beginning of the episode, I'm glad we're talking about it more openly, but now I'm seeing it create all this pressure on CIS women. In particular, this feeling like, oh, now it's this thing that I have to do and my partner really wants to see it and they want it to happen every time and they're not going to be satisfied unless I do.

So fuck those partners.

Don't fuck those partners.

Don't fuck em. Fuck em, but don't fuck em. Fuck em, don't fuck em. I like that.

Fuck em, but don't fuck em. I want that on a top bag.

Yeah, I was gonna say that sweatshirt.

Fuck em but don't fuck em. So, yeah, I mean, I wanna be clear. I don't think there's anything wrong with squirting if you're somebody who squirts and you do get enjoyment or pleasure out of it. Like, that is awesome. What I do get fired up about is people feeling like it's this new bar that's been set. Like you're not going to satisfy your partner or you're not going to have a good enough experience unless you do it.

Yeah, if you do it, great. If you do it and you enjoy it, great. If you do it and you enjoy it and your partner also enjoys it, great. But if you don't do it, there is nothing wrong with you. There's nothing less than your partner also needs to get on board with. Like, hey, we are going to do what feels good to us. And it's the seeing my partner experience. Pleasure is the thing that is good for me. It's not like these external things that I have to see.

Yeah. I think there's just a way that a lot of women feel like we have to be circus monkeys of like, experiencing pleasure in the exact right way that our partner is gonna like, or that we're supposed to, or.

Or even that we think our partner would like because of what we hear other people say or what we see in porn or whatever. I mean, so much of this comes back to, like, we don't actually ever have a conversation about what we really do like. And we just go, oh, I gotta do it the way I saw it, saw that other person do it. Because that's what guys like.

Oh, yeah. Okay. So we wanted to do a little experiment here. When we were thinking about what we wanted to share in this episode. I kept coming back to the, like, we don't do this shit to CIS men. Like, we don't have all these ways that men are supposed to perform and things that they're supposed to do. Like, there's so much more pressure on women than on men. And it obviously gets me fired up. So we decided to do a little experiment on Instagram. And. And we got very different results than we were expecting.

I actually, Vanessa was expecting one thing, I was expecting another thing. I was right. I'm putting right in quotes. I'm not surprised. Let's put it that way.

That's what we did. I tried to think of, like, what's an example of something similar that a man's body could do? Like a CIS man's body, you know, something that it's not related to pleasure, it's not related to orgasm. Maybe it might feel visually interesting to some women or some partners. What we did is we put this poll up and we said we've discovered a technique that can give men muscle spasms in their pecs during sex. That was just the example that came to me first. I was like, you know, a little puffed up pec muscle dancing around, like a little magic situation.

Alternating.

Yes.

When I imagined it, all I could think of was alternating, like pecs moving up and down.

I was like, okay. Some partners might find this, like, oops, that's kind of interesting. That's sort of sexy. I like that.

Sadly, we had not thought of the piss and orgasm.

Yeah, I'm so sad.

I'm curious what the results would have been had we been like, hey, want to try Xander's piss and orgasm? They might have been different, but. All right, let's talk about what results we got.

Okay. So we said, we've discovered this technique. If you have a male partner, ask him if he would be interested in learning this. And my hypothesis going into this experiment was that men were going to say no. Like, why would I want to. Yeah, why would I want to learn this? I don't care. It's just my muscles. Like, that's not going to feel good for me. Who cares? So I was expecting a very low, like 10, 20% of people saying yes. Instead, we got 64%. So my reaction was like, what the fuck? Like, why do these guys want to learn this magic peck dancing technique? I don't get it. But Xander had a totally different thought process.

Well, I have a couple different hypotheses, I guess, but, you know, one of them is that it's just like, we hear about something new. We hear about something that feels like, oh, this is going to make me be real manly, real good at sex. This is the new hot thing. And, like, you want to be able to do it.

It's like a trend. I think that's true for people of all genders. And I think that's a really good point that, like, we hear some things start to be talked about more, and we're like, oh, should I be doing that too? Is everybody else doing that? Like, we talk a lot about how people have this tendency to feel like we're not normal for whatever it that we experience. Like, that we're alone, we're weird. And so I think you're totally right that maybe there's this sense of, like, oh, the pec's dancing during sex. Is that a new thing everybody's doing? Yeah, sure. I want to learn how to do it.

Yeah, probably like, sort of a peer pressure aspect, but I think that layered on top of that, there's probably a whole dynamic of, like, the way that we pose that question. We put it on Instagram. The vast majority of our Instagram followers are women. So women are asking their male partners, partner, there's this new thing I heard about. Would you be into trying it? And that's very similar to the squirting conversation, where it's probably like, guys are like, oh, I saw this thing in porn. Let me ask my partner. Like, I tell, like, tell her I want her to do this. And so there's this added layer of, like, oh, my partner is asking me if I can do this. But behind that, there's maybe this implicit, like, to be super sexy, you got to be able to do this. And then it triggers that desire to perform form.

So maybe we should have put the poll up about, like, if you're the penis owner, would you want to do it?

Yeah, like, would you enjoy doing this during masturbation or something like that.

Very interesting. Okay, so let's kind of transition into that. Like, I want to know from you what is up with men's fascination about squirting? Why do you think this has become such a thing?

Yeah, that's a good question. I mean, I am curious. Like, what is it in the last year or couple of years that has turned the tide? Because, yeah, it's more common in porn, I imagine. That being said, it's not like it was never shown in the past. So, I mean, obviously porn has a lot to do with it. People see it and they go, oh, that looks cool. Or, like, they're I don't know. I mean, like, guys get so many ridiculous ideas from porn about, like, what sex should and shouldn't be and how they think they need to have sex, what it needs to look like, et cetera.

Do you think it. It comes from the, like, what you were saying earlier about, you know, penis owners, like, oh, yeah, this. How orgasm happens for me is that there's this. This visual element.

Oh, yeah. I. I think that that plays a huge role, you know, in your mind. It easily. It quickly becomes a visual representation of what coming is.

Like, you got a gold star. You made her come. Look at all the.

Yeah, it's like squirt pouring out of. Yeah, yeah, look at that. You know, like, there's evidence. It turns out it's not real evidence, but, you know, it's like, it's. There's visual evidence that I did something. And it's also, you know, I think as a guy, like, some guys get enjoyment out of seeing themselves come. Like, it is. There's sort of this sexy thing of, like, seeing visual evidence of what just happened.

What is that about? Why do you think it's sexy to, like, see yourself come?

Oh, God. I mean, that's a really good question. I Honestly, I don't think I can untangle, like, where that came from. Like, the first thing I always think of is, like, well, that's what you see in porn. I can't really think back to, like, oh, did I really enjoy this on my own before I saw that? I don't know. I don't know. I couldn't really tell you. I mean, if I think about it, it's like, what I. You hear guys talk to guys about, like, oh, yeah, like, I came all over her tits.

I love your dude voice. It's so weird.

Yeah, bro, like, where'd you come on earth? So there's that, but, like, where's that coming from? Like, that's probably also coming from porn. It all comes back to porn, probably. I can't remember. Really? Yeah, I don't know. I. Like, early on, when I first started masturbating, doing it, like, in the dark in my room, I wasn't really in a position to be like, oh, let's see what happens. Like, oh, let's do this quick before. You know, in case I'm gonna get found out. Even though it's the middle of the night. Like, mom's not walking in in the middle of the night.

You know what this is reminding me of is, you know, we're working on a book for Simon and Schuster. And one of the stories that I share in the book is this man who's talking about him and his fiance. He was saying that she is so uncommunicative during sex. Like, no moaning, no, you know, requests, no feedback. She's so uncommunicative that he's like, I just don't really know. Is she having a good time? Is she enjoying herself? Sometimes it seems like she's getting kind of wet, and I think maybe then I'm on the right track. And so I talk in the book about how wetness is actually not an indicator of arousal for us, of vulva. And so, like, this poor man is so lost about his partner's experience. His one clue. He's got one clue that he's clinging to, and it's not even an accurate one. So I wonder if a lot of this also comes down to men feeling like they're not getting feedback from their partner, and so they're relying on these external signals. And, like, what feels more external than, like, yeah, there's a gushing all over the place. I did a great job.

All right, so let's transition now into how to approach squirting as the partner of a woman or vulva owner. The first number one thing that we want to say, hopefully you're prepared for this. By now, I think we've teed it up pretty nicely. Please do not pressure your partner to squirt.

Yeah, we've heard a lot about men saying shitty things to their partner. Like, oh, my past partners could squirt. Or, like, I'm not going to be satisfied unless I make you do it. But just really making women and vulva owners, like, feel so bad about not being able to. Don't do that.

Don't make it all about your ego. I think so many things go wrong in relationships when men make it about, like, make her orgasm about your ego. Make, you know, so many things about your ego. You just. You're setting yourself up to, like, not ever get good feedback from your partner because she's going to be worried about. About hurting your ego, or she's going to want to fake orgasms for your ego. She's going to want to, like, try to figure out how to squirt instead of focusing on her own pleasure. For your ego, like, it's not. It is not cool. All right, Number two, do not accuse her of not orgasming if she didn't squirt. Hopefully after listening to this, you know. Now, squirting does not equal orgasm. Orgasm does not equal squirt. So, yeah, don't ever accuse your partner of not really orgasming. I think even if your partner is faking an orgasm, it's not cool to be like, did you. Did you really orgasm? No. You didn't?

No.

You didn't?

Yeah, not chill.

That's not gonna be cool. So, yeah, I mean, the focus of sex should be on her pleasure, not the visual embodiment of that pleasure or like the fake visual embodiment of that pleasure in this case.

And also, I mean, kind of on the flip side of things. Don't make her feel bad if she does squirt. Like, you know, it's an involuntary bodily function. Don't make her feel like it's this inconvenience or you wish she wasn't doing it. Like, just. Just don't be a dick. Yeah, that's kind of the bottom line of this section.

Yeah, I mean, the bottom line is don't make it a big deal. Don't make it a big deal in a positive way. Oh, my God, that was so hot. Now you always have to do that. It's the only way that I know that I've really pleasured you. Or in a negative way, like, why can't you squirt? What's wrong? Or like, stop squirting. It's so gross. Like, you're gonna make your partner feel self conscious. When you feel self conscious, you're less likely to experience pleasure during sex. So, you know, if you're a guy listening to this, let's try to draw a parallel to what this could be like for you. Making a big deal about something that happens during sex in either a positive or a negative way. Let's say you're a guy, you have a performance issue. Maybe you lose your erection during sex and your partner makes a really big deal of that and you're like, oh, my God, I feel so bad. Oh, God, I've totally failed my partner and I'm failing as a man. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Think about, what is it going to feel like the next time you have sex? You're probably going to be like, oh, my God, I cannot do that again. It's going to be such a big deal if I do that again. Oh, my God, that's not going to feel good. And that's basically what you are making your partner feel like if you're like, oh, my God, you have to. You have to squirt or like, oh, my God, don't squirt. Don't squirt. Like, it's just. That's not cool. On the flip side, let's say that your partner's like. Like, when you come, like, across the room, it's so hot. The only way I know that I've given you a great orgasm is if you shoot your cum, like, six feet across the room.

It's a small room.

12Ft across the room. Let's really raise the stakes here. You know, it's like, you better shoot that shit as far as you can. Like that. What are you gonna feel like in the future?

That's the tagline for Xander's piss and orgasm.

Shoot that shit across the room. But, you know, like, maybe. Maybe you do ejaculate really far one day, and it kind of surprises you. And your partner goes, oh, my God, you gotta do that all the fucking time.

Yeah.

What are you gonna feel like next time? You're gonna be like, oh, my God, am I gonna be able to do it? Am I gonna be able to do it? And then you don't do it. And then the next time you're like, oh, my God, I didn't do it last time. What am I gonna do? Like, it's just. This is what it feels like. So keep that in mind.

Yeah. So I would say really only explore squirting if your partner brings it up and your partner is genuinely curious and interested and excited. But I think, like, as. Especially as a male partner, like, just don't even start that conversation because it's so quick to lead to feelings of pressure.

Yeah. I mean, there's like, that dynamic that comes up that we just talked about when it came to our sort of fake Instagram poll that we did about the. The pet contractions, where it's like, if your partner comes to you with something. Oh, my God, I heard that they're this new sexy thing. And, like, would you be interested in it? You know, you feel that, like, oh, my God, I feel like I should be able to do that to really be a man or really be a woman or whatever it is. There's that whole dynamic that comes up. So if you bring it up to your partner, like, hey, it would be really hot if you did this, there's another layer of meaning that's going to be added onto that.

Yeah. Okay. So we wanted to just run through a few tips. If you are somebody who does squirt. So first of all, like, I hope we've normalized it for you and you recognize that, like, this is something that some people do. We don't really know how many, or have this good explanation for why? But, like, it's normal. It's okay. There's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing to be ashamed of. You know, you may decide if you're with new partners, like, to tell them before sex or not. It's kind of up to you to, like, feel into that. But I hope that you can approach that conversation feeling unashamed and light hearted and knowing again that this is just a natural thing.

Thing. Yeah. And if you're a guy and you figured out how to have a piss and orgasm, I would also recommend maybe giving your partner some warning. Just kidding. No, there. There is no piss and orgasm.

Oh, thank you for making that clear.

Not yet. Not yet. Just wait. I'm gonna be behind the scenes here. I'm gonna be working on my technique.

And your Marin statute.

I'm gonna figure this out and then shock the world.

You're asking people to donate money to your own personal research project, to the.

Piss and O Fund.

Okay, so a little logistical detail that you can do is, in general, waterproof blankets can be your friend. I know we mentioned the story of someone earlier who has such a high volume that they're not useful, but for the vast majority of cases, you can look for waterproof blankets. Sex blankets specifically made for sex.

Yeah. Especially if you don't want to be reminded of, like, the blankets that you put on the beach. Bad for kids who had the bad units. It's a sex blanket. It is not for kids.

Yeah. So that can make cleanup a whole lot easier if you just have a couple of those on hand. You know, put it down on the bed, put it in the wash, and, you know, clean up later, that whole kind of thing. Now let's transition and wrap this up with, what do you do if you want to learn how to swim?

Yeah. So you're probably listening to this and you're probably like, all right, I hear them. I get it. It's not something that I should obsess about, but I still want to learn.

I still kind of want to do.

It, but I still. I still just want to try.

So I want to be honest with you. We actually just didn't want to include this section of the podcast because squirting has taken on such a performative element to it. And there are so many people who are wanting to do it only because they feel like they're supposed to or something's wrong with them or they're behind the curve for not doing it. So we really went back and forth about, like, should we even talk about. About this? Or Not. But we did. You know, we always, I think, come down on the side of giving you information.

Yeah. We don't want to withhold.

Yeah. Letting you guys make the decision that feels best for you. So if you are approaching this from a genuine sense of curiosity, of, like, okay, I get that I don't have to do it. I get that it's not going to feel inherently pleasurable in and of itself, but I'm still kind of curious about my own body and curious about, you know, what it's capable of. Then we'll share some. Some tips with you. Typically, the kind of stimulation that you need to create squirting is stimulation to the interior portion of the clitoris. So a lot of people don't realize that the clitoris is not just a little nub of skin that you see. It also extends up into the body and it splits off into these two legs.

We have some highlights about this on our Instagram account, Right?

Yes.

The golden clitoris.

Yes. Check out our orgasm highlight on Instagram. I'll show you, like, a whole, whole model of exactly how it works. So it is, you know, the interior portion of it. You often hear this referred to as the G spot. We actually don't like using the term G spot because it makes it sound like it's some top secret, really special spot. It's not. It's the clitoris. It's still the clitoris. We got to give the clitoris the respect that it deserves.

And the reality with the way the internal part of the clitoris works is that for some women, it is close to. To the vaginal canal, and for some women, it is not. So I think when we use this term, the G spot, we imply like, oh, everyone's got this one spot. You just got to find it. And the reality is, depending on your anatomy, like, this interior portion of the clitoris may be more accessible or it may not, and there's nothing that we can do to change that.

Yeah. So typically, the motion that you want to do is to have your partner insert their hand palm up into you and to make kind of like a come here. Motion with one or two fingers. They're kind of curling their fingers up upwards.

Yeah. We should say insert your fingers, not your.

Yeah. Did I say your whole hand?

You said insert your hand. And I was kind of thinking. I was like, I don't think that's what I was like. Are people gonna. We're gonna get a lot of questions about that. No, please don't insert your whole hand. Just insert two fingers. Yes.

Two fingers. You would be lying on your back, so you're facing up. So the person is, you know, they're reaching up, they're stroking. It's called the anterior wall of the vagina. It's basically the wall that is beneath your, like, stomach, the top half. So you would be lying on your back. Your partner's inserting their fingers, their palm up, curling their fingers upwards into a come here motion. So stroking kind of the top part of your vagina.

Yeah. So it's like top. If you're lying on your back or if you're. If you were standing up, it would be like the front.

Yeah. Like under your stomach, basically. So the kind of movements typically are small and tight. More of like a massaging kind of.

Motion than a penetrate or like a penetration.

Yeah, it's not like a going in and out kind of thing. It's like a. You're using your fingertip to massage that area. In general, it does need to be pretty intense stimulation because you're going through the walls of the vagina. So you need, like, more stimulation to be able to, like, make the clitoris feel good.

Yeah. But you really, really need to give feedback to your partner because like we were saying, everyone's anatomy is different. So it's not just like. We're not just gonna be like, oh, it has to be super intense because that might be too intense for you.

Yeah, exactly. I'll also put in a plug for Enjoy Njoy. We'll put a link to their toys in our show notes. But they make a really great toy called the pure wand that is curved. It has got a nice ball on the end. It's made of medical grade stainless steel, so it's body safe. It's a really great toy for stimulating that interior portion of the G spot. And it's curved really well to give you good leverage. Because one of the things that happens when people try to squirt is that it just takes so much intensity of stimulation and so much time that, like, your hands get really tired.

And like we said, it tends to not be the most pleasurable thing either. It's like you're spending all this time and effort to do something that may feel really intense and not very good.

Yeah.

And just distract from everything else. So kind of sounds like a fool's errand, so to speak, when you put it in those terms.

So the toy can work really well. And it's also great because you can use it on yourself in general. Like, you're probably not going to be able to make yourself squirt with masturbation because it's hard to touch yourself in the way that you need to for an extended period of time and with that intensity.

Yeah.

So, yeah, I'm trying to do the.

Come hither myself in the way that you would need to. And it doesn't.

It's hard.

It's weird. It's a forearm workout.

First you were doing your jack off motion. Now you're doing your come hither come hithering. So those are our suggestions. You can also try doing this in the shower or the bathtub if you're nervous about, like, oh, my gosh, what's gonna happen? Is it gonna be pee? You know, how much fluid is there gonna be? Use the restroom beforehand so your bladder is empty. And you could do it in the bathtub so that you. In an empty bathtub so that you have just that peace of mind of knowing you're not gonna get it every everywhere. But bottom line is, do not feel bad if you can't do it.

Yeah. Because at the end of the day, we do not know if all vulva owners are even capable of squirting because we don't have enough funding to do our research.

The Myrrh Institute.

So donate to the MER Institute. I'm just kidding. That does not exist yet. Please don't donate quite yet unless you want to donate to Xander's Piss and O's.

So, yeah, I would say, you know, know, explore it if you feel curious, but don't beat yourself up if you can't do it or if you kind of lose that, like, okay, this is just not that exciting. It's not that interesting to me. I don't want to do it anymore.

Yeah. I mean, I feel like even if you do figure out how to do it, like, the likelihood is that you're going to be like, this kind of sucks. And what you risk is you risk, like, showing your partner, and then they fixate on it, and then you feel like you're stuck having to do this thing. Like, it's kind of a loser lose.

Yeah. I mean, it's just. It's a complicated situation, you know? And I think, again, we just want to remind people that it's a normal process. There's nothing to be ashamed of. We're not saying, like, if you squirt, you have to stop doing it at all. But I just think it. It can be a lot more complex than a lot of people realize. And our bottom line is always like, let's explore our bodies. Let's feel as much pleasure as we can, but let's not put pressure on ourselves or each other for that pleasure to take one's place. Specific form. All right, well, that brings us to the end of our squirting episode. And if you are a woman who is curious to learn more about her body and what brings her pleasure, and especially if you've never had an orgasm before, then I just wanted to make sure you knew about our course, Finishing School. It is an incredibly comprehensive step by step course that teaches you everything you need to know to experience an intense pleasure and orgasms on your own and with your partner. There is some information about squirting, but that is absolutely not the core of the course. It's really all about experiencing genuine pleasure and feeling more comfortable in your own body, more confident in the bedroom, and just more authentic in your own sexuality. So we'll put a link to check that out in the show notes. It's our flagship course. It is such an amazing journey. Journey.

So, yeah, we have changed thousands and thousands and thousands of women's lives.

It's pretty cool. It's a pretty cool course.

It's pretty cool.

There's actually we have a podcast episode all about the story of like creating that course and my own orgasm struggle. So maybe we will link to that episode as well if you want to learn more about it.

All right, well, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about about Xander's pissing o. Just kidding. No, next week we are going to talk about how to prioritize sex in a relationship.

See you next week.