Episode 53: How To Spice It Up In the Bedroom: Exploring Kink For Beginners

So many of us think of kink as being abnormal or unusual. You know, a lot of us never end up exploring it. And because of that, like, you could be missing out on something or many things that you actually really enjoy. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had today. We're coming at you with a unique setup. We are both in head to toe leather. Xander's got his puppy mask on, his little cock and ball torture cage on. Oh, I'm flogging him under the table. And what else?

We're in our sex dungeon.

We're in our sex dungeon. How could I forget?

Yeah. This house that we're renting while we find a place to buy fortunately came with a sex dungeon. So that was great. And what else?

I think that's. That sets the scene. Today we are talking about kinky sex. And no, we are not in full head to toe leather outfits. I think you'd be able to hear them squeaking if we were.

Yeah, you might be able to. I mean, we could always edit that sound in to make it sound more realistic. However, we definitely don't have a sex dungeon. I don't think a sex dungeon would be particularly well suited for podcast recording.

It probably would be like, depends.

I feel like a sex dunge. Maybe you'd have like, concrete walls or something, which is not what you want for a recording studio. Unless, you know, unless it was like padded walls or something.

So when your average person hears the word kink, I think these are the kinds of scenes that their minds leap to, right?

Oh, yeah, we jump to that extreme.

Yeah. And just to be clear, that extreme is hot and wonderful and brings a lot of people pleasure. And that's great. This is a shame free zone over here. But that is not the only way to have kinky sex. So let's first answer the question, like, what is kink? And the interesting thing is, like, there's not actually a great definition for kink.

So we start with. Webster's dictionary defines kink as. I mean, I'm actually. Right now I'm really curious What Webster's Dictionary does say about kink.

Well, I don't have a copy of it, but I do know I did look at the Wikipedia page because I was curious about it.

Oh, great.

They described kink as unconventional practices, but that made me think, you know, like, who gets to decide what's conventional and what's not?

Oh, yeah. I mean, that's a pretty horrible definition because unconventional is a subjective. To measure a subjective term.

Yeah. So it can be hard to define, like, what exactly is king. It can be sort of like rough sex, but that definitely doesn't encapsulate all of it. They can include bdsm, but there are lots of kings that do that. Don't include bdsm. Yeah, this whole, like, unconventional practices are untypical behaviors. Like, I mean, that describes.

That describes you and me and the business that we run.

You know, it's a kinky business.

Yeah, I mean, I think that we are. We practice a lot of unconventional practices when it comes to the type of business that we have. The way that we operate our business, you know, our lifestyle completely outside of sexual is fairly unconventional. So I guess we're just. We're living that kinky life whether we have kinky sex or not.

That's another merch idea. Who doesn't want a sweatshirt that says living that kinky life? Sign me up if I want one. Now, I think the other thing that kink gets defined as is not vanilla. We kind of do it in contrast of, like, kink is the opposite of vanilla. It's sort of like saying, like, well, that's just not white. Like, okay, but what color is it then?

Yeah, unfortunately, all these definitions are not real definitions. They're just not somethings. Not conventional. Not vanilla. Great. So then it's like, okay, well, then let's define the other thing. And we can't really properly define that either. So. Sorry. Is that the end of the podcast then? Sorry, no definition.

Cool.

See you next week.

Yeah. Another great episode. An absolutely killer one.

Yeah. I really hope this isn't your first time listening.

I really do want to go back through and see how many episodes have we included that line and probably pretty high. Okay, so today we are going to be talking about what kink really means, why you should consider incorporating some kinky elements into the bedroom. How to explore kink, and some common mistakes to avoid.

But first, per usual, we are doing the review of the week this week. It is a complete surprise because our team has figured out how to hide the review from me until I read it. So Going to click on it right now. I'm.

Here we go.

Should I be worried? We'll see. All right. Do yourself a favor and listen now. I recently discovered this podcast when someone recommended it in a comment section on another Instagram account that I follow.

Oh, my God.

Hell yeah. I love that. Absolutely recommend our podcast all over Instagram. That helps us so much, being the creepy little stalker that I am. Oh, kinky.

That's the perfect review for this.

Yeah, seriously. Okay. I decided to check it out on a whim, and I am so glad I did. Vanessa and Xander are incredible. Just when I think I have a question about something that I think no one else has, they come out with a podcast about it and not only normalize it, but they do so while seamlessly integrating real stories, humor, vulnerability, and empirical evidence. Shout out to Xander. Because I work in org behavior as well. Smiley and sunglasses. Not only has this podcast significantly helped my boyfriend and my sex life and intimacy, he can attest to that too. And he loves listening with me and. But I struggle with chronic depression. And although I go to my own therapy already, hearing their raw stories and how they work through difficult emotions has honestly been so helpful and therapeutic in and of itself. I frequently find myself laughing out loud and crying in the same episode. They are true gems. And because I know Xander loves emojis, here is my boyfriend and my reaction to listening to this podcast. Okay, this is officially the best review we have ever gotten.

This emoji game is strong.

Strongest emoji game I have ever seen. We're gonna have to put a screenshot of this, I think, on. On the show notes, so there's no way I can verbally do this justice. You're gonna have to look for yourself, so you're gonna have to go to the show notes and click the link to, like, our podcast page. You're gonna be glad that you did. To me, this appears to be a cool dude with a big dick pointing. Pointing at. At his partner, who is googly love eyes and saying thank you with their hands together.

They've used and maybe like, slashes and dashes to create full bodies. It's very impressive.

Oh, yeah. I mean, including a belly button. Do you see the belly button?

Oh, yeah, I guess so.

Yeah. The guy has a belly button that's.

A big old dick.

The person on the right maybe has boobs, maybe no arms. It's hard to tell.

I think it's like the shoulders coming in.

Oh, yeah, Sorry. Because, yeah, the hands are, you know, are, like, praying or, like, doing the thank you in the middle. I love it. This is.

It's truly spectacular.

It is a sight to behold.

Thank you so much. We cannot tell you how much we appreciate your reviews, and we do our weekly giveaway every week. So once you write a review in Apple Podcasts, we will enter you every week going forward, and we pick a winner. And if you are the winner, if you are the artist of this incredible emoji art, then you get to DM us on Instagram at Vanessa Marin Therapy, send us a question, and we will give you a personalized mini coaching session as our small way of saying thank you for writing the reviews. They do make all the difference in the world, and they just really make us smile.

Oh, yeah. I mean, the winner of this really just deserves everything that is coming to them, because this is just Chef's kiss.

All right, so let's get into it. We turned to Instagram, and we just wanted to know, do people think that their sex life is kinky or not? So we asked, do you think your sex life, would you describe it as kinky, as not kinky, or you're not sure? 12% said that their sex life is kinky. Only 12%. Pretty low there. 79% said not kinky, and 9% said they weren't sure.

And you can't really blame them because those definitions we just read were pretty unclear, pretty subjective. So it'd be easy to be like, well, I don't know what this means, so I don't know if I'm there or not.

Yeah. And we also wanted to know, like, were people curious about exploring more kink? Should we even have made this episode in the first place? Fortunately, 53% of people said they were curious about having kinkier sex, and 29% said that they weren't sure. Kind of like maybe curious about it. A little hesitant, perhaps, to say that they were interested, a tiny bit kink curious. And only 18% said that they were not curious at all. So the vast majority of people are at least a little bit curious.

So, yeah, so most of us aren't really having much kink in our sex lives, but we're either moderately to legitimately curious about doing it. So I'm excited for this podcast. Let's help you out, figure out what kind of kink you want in your sex life and how to do it.

So we also asked people what comes up when they hear the word kinky, because there was obviously a lot of people who were kind of in that, like, maybe, I'm not sure what's going on zone. And like, you were saying a second ago, like, of course that makes sense. If we don't have this clear definition of, like, what is kink?

Yeah. And I mean, I'd also suspect that there are people out there with There may be some blockages. Like, a lot of people obviously are interested in trying this, but they're not currently doing it. So, like, what's going on? Something must be going on that is stopping people or making them hesitant at least.

Yeah. So we put this question up, and we just said, like, what do you think of when you hear the word kinky? BDSM was by far the most popular answer. Most people reference 50 shades of gray, which, you know, we know we've heard that a million times before.

Hey, what is BDSM stand for? For anyone who's not sure, including myself, that is blanking on some of the word. Wait, wait, you can do it. Well, okay, I. I know the B and the SM are, but the D. Okay. Bondage, Something. And sadomasochism.

Yeah. Domination.

Domin. Okay, because I was like. I was like, bondage.

Like, bondage.

Like, there's a D, but, like, BD for bondage doesn't make any sense.

Bondage, domination, sadomasochism. That's bdsm. So you saw it portrayed very badly in Fifty Shades of Gray. That is not actually. If you talk to any, like, true Kinkster, anybody who has really has a lot of BDSM in their sex life, they will tell you, please do not replicate what you saw and read in 50 shades of gray.

I would also imagine just with that word that you could, like, as that word goes on, like, bondage, domination, and sadomasochism, you might get a little like, whoa, like, sadomasochism. That sounds a little intense. So, like. But to be really clear, like, if you are into just, like, kink or bdsm, like, it doesn't mean you do every single one of these things. And we'll talk about that a little bit.

Yeah. So the other words that came up for people were taboo, no rules out there, weird, experimental, and painful. So I think a lot of us have a pretty, you know, extreme and honestly, very inaccurate idea of what kink can be. So let's talk a little bit about, you know, why would we want to explore kink? And especially we have this idea in our heads, like, this very extreme kind of thing. We actually want to turn this around on you a little bit and ask, why not explore kink? I think the really cool thing about sex is that there are an endless number of things that you can explore. But, you know, since we think of, you know, so many of us think of kink as being abnormal or unusual, you know, a lot of us never end up exploring it. And because of that, that, like, you could be missing out on something or many things that you actually really enjoy.

Oh, yeah. I mean, we. We even hear this just about sex positions, like the sex position playbook that we sell. So we get feedback from so many people. They're like, oh, I never knew that these three things were an option, and I started doing it. And just this slight modification of a position brings me so much more pleasure. So just imagine if beyond sex positions, there's actually all these other options on the menu that you may not even be aware of. And imagine if just one of those things brings you, like, 20% more pleasure. Like that. That could be significant.

Yeah, why not? I mean, you know, so our perspective is that, like, anything that you can think of, there is somebody who's turned on by it. And we think that that's really cool. You know, there's just so much diversity, so much uniqueness when it comes to sexual expression and pleasure. And, like, why shouldn't we all kind of explore a little bit more? Of course, in a way that feels safe and contained and we'll talk about how to do that, but, like, why not explore? And I think the other thing about kink in particular is that there are so many different levels of kink. So, yes, there are very extreme, intense forms of kink, and there are people who are into that, and they love it, and it's great, and it brings them pleasure and satisfaction, and we love that for them. But that doesn't need to be the only way that we experience kink. There are tons of different levels, and actually there are a lot of very, very tame ways to explore and experiment with kink.

Also, for the people that do engage in those more, as you were saying, intense or extreme levels of kink, I can almost guarantee you that they did not go from, like, 0 to 60 immediately. Like, they started by dipping their toes in the water and being like, oh, this is cool. Let me try a little more here, let me. A little bit more of that. Like, so it's funny how we are so quick to engage in this black and white, thinking about something of like, oh, my God, if I'm going to do this, it has to be exactly like 50 shades of gray, where unfortunately, I think in 50 shades of gray, I never read it or watched it where I think, unfortunately, she kind of gets, like, pushed into the deep end pretty quick. Right. But, you know, the reality is the vast majority of people that are, quote, in the deep end did it very slowly.

Yeah, yeah. And we'll talk about this in just a second. Some of the mistakes that people make when it comes to kink. But I think that a lot of people have this idea of people who are really into kinky sex as being completely ruleless and boundaryless and anything goes. And the reality is that people who are deep in the kink community have some of the best sexual communication, understanding of their boundaries, of safety, of, you know, rules. Like, they really epitomize what it means to, like, have a healthy relationship with sex. So it's not this, like, free for all sexual anarchy, anything goes kind of thing.

Oh, yeah. I mean, we do the exact same thing when it comes to, like, open relationships or polyamory is we're like, oh, my God, they just do whatever they want. And it's like, no. Like, the people that actually practice this effectively communicate better, have clearer relationship boundaries, better everything. In order to succeed at that, you need so many things in place. So it is. As much as we think something is a free for all, that should be a sign to us that it's probably actually not a free for all.

Yeah.

In fact, the very opposite.

So with all of that being said, again, it kind of brings us back to the question of, like, why not experiment with kink? If you can do it in these small, measured ways that feel safe, they don't feel like they're pushing you too far outside of your comfort zone, you don't have to commit to it. It's not like you're in or out. Are you part of the k kink lifestyle or not? Like, the worst that can happen is that you discover that you're not really that into something if you do it in the right way. So let's talk a little bit more about that and get into, like, some of the mistakes that people make around kink. What is the right way?

Yeah, let's. Let's do this podcast just like, the definitions of kink, where it's like, oh, it's not this. Let's tell you what not to do before we tell you what to do. So the very first mistake and one of the biggest mistakes I think that people make when it comes to kink is this idea. Idea that by needing to explore something beyond just vanilla sex or just beyond regular sex, it must mean that something is wrong with your sex. Life. So, like, either you have to acknowledge to yourself, like, oh, I'm not happy with the way things are, or, like, you have to tell your partner, like, I'm not happy with what you're doing. I'm not happy with where our relationship is at. And so that it's sort of like a lesser than, like, what you're doing currently is not good enough. So we gotta do this extra thing that's out of the ordinary. But the reality is that is just not true. Like Vanessa was saying, you know, kink is about identifying things that, you know, may not be done by the majority of people but might bring you some extra pleasure. Here's another way to think about it. Just because you need to go on vacation doesn't mean that there's something wrong with where you live. You're not going to be like, I went on vacation this year and had a lot of fun, and therefore, that must mean that I should not be living where I am and I have to immediately move to where I went on vacation. That like.

Or to even, like, take it back a step further. Even that, like, being curious about going on vacation. Oh, God, heaven forbid you shouldn't live where you live. Yeah, for sure. Okay, so another big mistake that people make is pushing themselves to do it. So even though we are making this whole episode, we are encouraging you to, like, get a little bit curious and explore if you feel really solid within yourself of, like, I'm just not interested. Like, this doesn't feel interesting to me. I don't feel the desire to, like, that's fine. Not everybody has to explore. So please don't pressure yourselves to do something. Certainly not on our behalf.

Oh, yeah. I mean, to bring the vacation example back, I think there are a lot of people that travel a lot because they love travel. And there are people that feel more comfortable staying where they are. They are really happy with where they live. And so I'm not gonna tell you, oh, you gotta go on vacation. You have to travel. You have to leave the country. Like, you do what feels right for you. It's just like this.

I'm so proud of you for coming up with a comparison that's not food related.

Oh, we could bring up. We could find a food comparison real quick if we wanted to. You know, we might just have to later to keep the good times, the food comparisons rolling.

Okay, so another mistake is thinking that kinkier is better, that there's something more like, sophisticated or free or sexually uninhibited about having kinky sex. And often Kinky sex gets compared to vanilla sex. But we just want to say, like, both flavors are delicious. Like, there's nothing wrong with vanilla sex. Vanilla is delicious and wonderful in and of itself. So. So kinkier is not inherently better in and of itself. We're not going to put any value hierarchy to any sort of sexual behaviors.

Oh, yeah. I mean, hey, let's just keep hammering the vacation metaphor or example like this would.

Oh, I think it breaks down there.

Oh, no. Well. Oh, see, Vanessa. Vanessa disagrees. But maybe, you know, when it comes to vacation, it's not like the further mileage wise that you go on vacation, the better of a vacation. It is like, you could go 7,000 miles around the world.

I thought you were gonna say, like, a certain. Like, Fiji isn't inherently better than. I don't want to name a place, but I think there. There are some locations that might be inherently better than others.

But, like, okay, so if you go like 7,000 miles versus 500 miles, just because you're going somewhere, the 7,000 miles doesn't mean it's going to be better. Doesn't mean you're gonna have a better time. Like, or you could Also, you go 7,000 miles and go to a great place. You go 7,000 miles in another direction, go somewhere that you don't enjoy. So. So it's not about, like, how far you go.

Okay, the metaphor episode. Okay. Another big mistake that comes up is not researching things beforehand.

Hey, this works with traveling, too.

Oh, God. Stop.

Hey, research. If you're going on a trip, I recommend doing a little research. You're only going to have a better time.

That's not true. Because sometimes you can have a spontaneous trip and not do any research and end up having a great time.

Yeah. But it might not be safe.

Okay, so that is not true with kink. With some of the tamer stuff. Okay, sure, maybe you can do a couple of little things without having to research stuff. But in general, we think it's a good idea to just like, listen to this episode or read another article. So a really good example that comes up with this is around choking. So most people would think of choking as, like, oh, that's kind of a straightforward thing. I just wrap my hand around my partner's throat and I give them a little pressure. Right. But there are actually a lot of techniques behind choking. So when you're choking somebody, you want to put pressure only. Only on the sides of their throat, never on the front of their throat. I'm doing it to myself right now. I'M like choking myself as we record. But if you put pressure on the front of your throat, it causes pain, it cuts off your breathing. There are a lot of issues that can come up versus you can actually put a pretty decent amount of pressure on the sides of your neck without causing any sort of pain. So it's something small like that. You wouldn't think about the exact location of how to choke and where should I put my fingers. But if you just look up an article or read a book, any experienced kinkster is going to give you these kinds tips. So that's why we're saying do a little bit of research beforehand. Don't just jump into another thing that comes up is like using a toy. If there's a certain toy you're using, read the instructions. You got to figure out how it works. Okay. Another common mistake is not talking about the specifics beforehand. So this is something that I saw a lot of in my private practice when 50 shades of gray came out is a lot of, a lot of couples had to come in for sessions afterwards because one partner, it was usually male, female partnerships, and the woman had told the man, like, I want you to like be kinky, like Christian Grey.

Oh yeah, like, like she read the book, saw the movie and was like, oh my God, that's so hot. Let's do it all tonight.

Yeah. Or, or just yeah. Said something vague like that, like I want you to be kinky or like boss me around or whatever it is. And the guy did stuff that made her totally uncomfortable and she didn't want to do, but it was because they hadn't talked in detail beforehand about. What exactly do you mean what's on the off the table? So there were so many couples who had sex that ended up feeling, you know, at the best it felt awkward, at worst it felt violating. So it's really important for you to talk beforehand about like what does kinky mean to you? What specific kinky things do you want to experiment with? What is on the table, what's off the table. It's really important to be clear with each other about that.

Also this would be like going to a travel agent and be like, oh, I want to go to Fiji really bad. Plan me a trip. And you don't talk about price, you don't talk about preferences. And all of a sudden like this travel agent comes back and goes, all right, cool, I booked you a hundred thousand dollar trip to Fiji, like payments due tomorrow. And you're like, oh no.

All right. The next mistake I think we've already kind of alluded to is, like, doing too much too fast. So we really want to encourage you, especially if you're a beginner, because that's really who this episode is geared towards. Go slow, take little baby steps. Do not feel like you need to. To be jumping right into the 50 shades of gray scenes immediately.

Yeah, don't try to go to, like 10 museums in one day.

It's really gonna keep going. Okay, let's see you do this one. Not having a way out. So that is a safe word.

Yeah, you gotta have a round trip ticket, baby. Gotta be able to get home.

No, I don't think that works. A safeword is some. You always have to have a round trip ticket for a trip.

Make sure. Make sure your cell phone. Make sure your cell phone works in case you get into a bad situation. Do you have service in this country that you're in?

Oh, Lord. Okay, so a safe word is a word that you and your partner agree on beforehand. It's a word that you are not going to say during sex. So you want it to be something very random. So something like stop is a terrible safe word because you might be, you know, kind of role playing, somebody being more bossy, and someone's like, oh, stop, stop. And then your partner's like, wait, is that a sexy stop? Or is that the word stop? So a word that you wouldn't normally use, something very random like leaf or purple or penguin, something like that. When somebody says the safe word that means everything stops immediately. It's just a complete way to, like, press the pause button, be able to back out of everything. It could be like, literally, I just need a pause. I need a couple of breaths. Or it could be like, I need this to be done tonight. Even if you're playing with something that feels pretty tame. If you are a beginner and are new to this, we definitely recommend agreeing on a safe word beforehand so you have, like a guaranteed way out of it if anything happens to go wrong. Just better safe than sorry. And then final mistake that a lot of people make is not communicating when experimenting. So this is kind of a general mistake a lot of us make around sex. Like, we feel like we shouldn't have to talk about, should just unfold naturally and spontaneously.

Hopefully we don't have to bust this one down for you too much. If you've been listening to the podcast, seeing as we are huge proponents of sexual communication, hopefully by is very clear to you why it is important to communicate.

Yes. All right, so let's get into It. And let's talk about some specific kinky things to do in the bedroom together. Some ways to experiment with bringing a little bit more kink in.

It's not full on 50 shades of gray just yet.

Yeah, nothing should be full on 50 shades of gray, even when you become more experienced. It's just not a good role model. But we wanted to give you specific ideas. And again, these are geared more towards the beginning. Somebody who's really describing themselves as, like, I've got a pretty vanilla sex life. I've never tried any of this. Like, what are some baby steps that I can take to experiment with kink and see if it's something I like and want to do more of? A great starting place is spanking.

Whoops.

Best place for spanking tends to be the butt cheeks because they tend to have a good amount of fat in them, a little bit of jiggle, and they don't hurt. Hurt too much to spank. So you want to avoid spanking. Like, bony places or places where your skin is pretty thin.

Kind of like my butt.

I wasn't gonna drag you in this.

Episode, but I have a bony butt. I have a bony butt, and I don't think that's ever gonna change in this lifetime. So Xander doesn't really. I'm gonna own it.

You don't really have cheeks.

I'm gonna own it.

But I don't think you would enjoy me spanking you anyways, so, you know, it's okay. It works out in the end. But you can explore with the butt cheeks if you've got a little cheek behind there. So you can have your partner lightly spank you during sex. This can be fun in more animalistic positions, like doggy style. And if you're feeling at all nervous about, like, I don't know how much pressure to use. How hard can I spank? Like, try it outside of sex and try it when you have clothes on first. A lot of times people are surprised by how much force they can use when they're doing a little bit of spanking. So it can be fun to, like. Like, experiment with it outside of the bedroom. First, get a sense of the pressure that you like, and then you can bring it into the bedroom.

Yeah. I mean, having had. You never spank me during sex or ever, I think I would imagine.

I think you, like, as a joke.

Yeah.

Like, for fun.

Yeah. But not hard. Only when I'm a bad boy. But no, what I'm trying to say is that, you know, I think if you're. If you're in the middle of sex. I would imagine that you're pain tolerant is probably a bit higher because, you know, you got those feel good chemicals rushing through you. You're not really attuned to like, pain necessarily. You're focused more on the pleasure. Another one is hair pulling. This is, I think, very similar to spanking and kind of like a good intro to kink.

Yeah. A lot of people with longer hair like having their hair pulled. So we'll give a quick little technique tip for hair pulling. I keep like enacting them all to myself. I don't know what it is about me, but like, I have to do it in order to, to explain it.

All right, well, do it. Do it, babe.

Okay, so what you can do for you when you're pulling the hair is wrap the person's hair up in a ponytail and you can give the whole ponytail a tug when you try to pull like small bits of the hair.

That don't do that.

Super painful.

Well, yeah. Have you ever tried to pull one, like pull a gray hair out or something? It hurts.

Yeah. So you want to get all the hair wrapped up together and you can just like wrap your whole wrist around that and give it a gentle tug. Tug.

Yeah. The more you grab, it's. There's less force on each hair follicle. It was more of just a general pulling rather than a like, oh my God, my hair might actually literally get pulled out. Another way to do it that I might recommend is if you're really starting out is like, just run your fingers through your partner's hair. If, if the partner has longer hair, run your fingers through their hair because that in and of itself is going to feel good. And then as you're running your fingers through your hair, you can kind of of grab bigger chunks of hair and give a small tug while you're running your fingers through. That can be a good way to just start out of like. Oh, what does it feel like to apply a little bit of pressure when you're doing something that already is feeling kind of good?

Yeah. If you're going to do that, I would say exert the pressure at the scalp. So you kind of want to put your fingers in up through their hair and then curl your fingers into like a fist. So you're pulling on the hair, but it's very close to the scalp so you're not like actually tugging it out of the scalp. So this is another one where you can explairment. Wow. I just came up with a new word. I was Going for explore and experiment. I love it, actually. Explain. You may want to try this one out outside of the bedroom first so you get a sense of, again, how much pressure can you use and what is your particular partner like? Some people like more pressure. Some people like less. All right. Another way to experiment with kink is through dirty talk. So you don't have to change any of your actual behaviors in the bedroom. You could literally just start incorporating dirty talk about, you know, it could be about doing different things, or it could be using words you don't normally use, calling each other names you don't normally do. But again, like, not having to do anything different physically but still have sex feel very kinky. So this is a great, great thing for beginners and total newbies. People who are feeling nervous about trying different activities. Like, dirty talk can be such a great starting point.

Yeah. I mean, you can talk about the thing that you are interested in trying, and that can be a great way to just kind of do, like, a dress rehearsal, so to speak, you know, without actually having to do the thing and just like, oh, how does it feel to talk through it? If that's still feeling exciting, that's a good indication that it's worth a try try in real life. But if you're finding it like, oh, once I actually start saying this out loud, it doesn't really sound so hot anymore. That might be an indication of, oh, okay, then maybe I don't want to do that.

Yeah. And we do have a really amazing dirty talk guide. If this is something that you want to explore or you feel like I'm just not very good at talking dirty. It has hundreds of examples. It has really fun worksheets for exploring the words that you guys like, like to use in the bedroom, the words that turn you on. So we will link to that in our notes. Next up, we have role playing. So this is when you are playing different roles, you're being different characters in the bedroom. So role playing, just like kink, in and of itself, can really range from very basic to very elaborate. But if you're a beginner to it, you definitely don't have to make up an elaborate scene with, like, this whole backstory and character arcs and costumes and props and all of that kind of stuff. Like, you can really keep it simple, even if it's something where you're not even playing a full character, but you're just doing something a little out of the norm. Like, maybe you wear stiletto heels to the bedroom, or you bust out that, like, super revealing lingerie set that you haven't worn in 10 years.

Yeah. And this can overlap with dirty talk a bit, you know, or it could just be like, oh, have I been a bad girl? Or something like that. And it's like taking on that personality of, like, I'm behaving in a way that's slightly out of the ordinary for myself, and I'm, you know, bringing that verbally and physically into the bedroom.

We actually have a totally free roleplay guide. We put together 10 ideas for how to role play, and these were crowd favorites from our Instagram audience. So we will put a link to that in the show notes. All right, and our final two ideas both involve the use of some props, but these can, again, be, like, nice.

Beginner steps, and these can be very cheap and easy. Props. Props, don't. They do not need to be expensive. Probably shouldn't be overly expensive.

Okay, so the first one is blindfolding each other. So blindfolding can be really fun because not being able to see just naturally heightens your other senses.

Yeah. You might be surprised if you've never done this. You'll be surprised at what it is like all of a sudden. Not being able to see, not knowing what is coming. It really can heighten the sensation.

Yeah, it's just this kind of anticipation of what's coming next. And this. Yeah, this deprivation of not having your sight available to you. And even for something like as tame as kissing, it can feel really, really sexy. So if you want to go. If you want to go super low budge, and you don't want to have to buy a prop, you can't just close your eyes.

You can.

It doesn't quite give you the same effect of knowing that you actually can't see even if you wanted.

Yeah, I would. I would recommend not doing that, I think, because I think that there's an element to the blindfolding where it's like you do open your ey eyes under the blindfold, and you're like, oh, shit, I can't. I can't see. Like, I want to know what's coming, but I can't.

So you don't even have to buy anything special for those. You could use, like, a sleep mask if you have one. If you have a scarf, like, you can use that to tie around your head. You know, get creative with it. That could be part of the fun. But just the simple act of, like, having this blindfold over your face can make sex feel so much more intense. And you can kind of play around with, like, the power dynamic element of it too. Like, the person who's not blindfolded can really play with the person who is being blindfolded.

Yeah. This is a great one for some solid pre communication, Just talking about what types of activities are on and off the table while you are blindfolded.

Absolutely.

And maybe set a plan for when you remove the blindfold. Like, oh, are we going to go the whole time with the blindfold on? Are we going to just kind of going to be during foreplay? And then once we start intercourse or something like that, we'll remove the blindfold just so that you know what's going to happen. Unless you want it be fully literally in the dark about what's going to happen.

Wow, cheesy. How do you tie that one? Back to travel metaphor.

But we're not talking about what not to do anymore. We're talking about what to do. This would be like the surprise vacation where, like, I book a trip, you don't know where we're going, and you show up at the airport and you're like, oh, my God, where are we going? What's it going to be?

I loved that.

There you go. Kind of of like blindfolding.

All right. And finally we have using restraints. So this is where you're putting something around your wrists or your ankles and like one person is being physically restrained from moving. So if you do want to buy something, we recommend that you can buy like velcro cuffs. So the fabric itself is really soft. It's not like a handcuff. Don't buy handcuffs.

Yeah, I was going to say don't. I feel like a lot of people do that especially because. Because they'll often have really cheap handcuffs in those really kind of dumb, like bachelor bachelorette party kits or whatever.

The little pink feather covered ones.

Yeah. But like, actual police handcuffs are not meant to be comfortable. In fact, they are meant to hurt you. Yes.

So instead, yeah. You can find these ones that are like a soft fabric and they have velcro on them. So they're also easy to take off. If anything happens to go wrong and you really want to get out in that moment, you can take them off yourself. Versus, like some heavy duty handcuffs where, like, there's a key and who knows where it is.

Oh my God, the dog ate it.

So. But go for gentle ones. If you don't want to buy anything, what you can do is you can experiment with having your partner hold your hands over your head so they can kind of hold them down with one hand. This. It's kind of similar to the, like, just closing your eyes instead of having a blindfold, like, you're not going to feel super restrained. And it does depend on your partner's strength and the position that they're in.

Oh, yeah. It also, yeah. It limits the activities that your partner can perform on you because they have to be in a certain position to hold your hands there. Well, if you want to really do the closing your eyes things, you'll be like, well, you could just put your hands under your back and keep them there, but I think that would kind of cheapen the experience.

It's not going to feel quite as sexy. But if you don't want to buy, I mean, the. The little Velcro cuffs that we mentioned, I think you could probably find that for 30, 40 bucks or something. So they're not expensive. But if you really don't want to have to buy something, you can use. Use like silk scarves or silk neckties. But make sure that you go onto YouTube and you look at a tutorial about how to tie, like, easy release knots. Like, you can't just do a standard double knot on that because you're going to start to tug on it and it's going to get tighter and you are probably going to have to cut your beautiful silk scarf straight off of your wrist. So look up how to do easy to remove knots.

Yeah, definitely. Or yeah, you could probably get crafty with this. Some Velcro, some.

Sure, if we got some DIYers out there, you know. Yeah. Find yourself some little fabric strips. Put some hot glue guns and Velcro onto them.

Yeah, Great sexy DIY opportunity. Very Instagrammable. Hey, that actually, that. You know what? This should be like our big call to action from this episode. Hey, Di diy some restraints posted on Instagram. Tag us, please.

Oh, my God. With, like, rhinestones on them. Some little puff paint.

Yeah, Bling it out.

Oh, my God, I love it. Okay, so you can tie the other end of this restraint to, like, your bed frame. If you have one of those, like, slatted bed frames or like a metal bed frame, you can do it to that. If you do want to invest in some sort of, like, actual restraints, you can get an under the bed kit where it goes under your mattress. Because not everybody has a bed frame that, that they can attach something to. So the under the bed kits can work really well. Or DIY it yourself. Just make some extra long strips that can fit under the bed and come up around it.

I feel like we're gonna get at least one person that is Inspired, and I'm looking forward to seeing the results.

We'll send you something special if you do. There'll be a special prize for this podcast episode. But the reason that restraints can be really sexy is like just having your movements restricted, not being able to move your hands or move your feet like it can very hot. It can feel very kinky.

And you can, you can combine this with the blindfolding as well, because then it's, you know, it's like taking away more senses. I guess you're. You're being restrained is necessarily taking away a sense because you can still feel things touching you, but it's like taking away your. Your. Yeah. Your ability to your agency, so to speak. Like, you can't really do anything. You can't move. Yeah.

So I would recommend exploring one or the other first with like blindfolds or restraints, but they can be combined later and then with. I would also recommend just doing your hands first. And then if you like that, you can do hands and feet at the same time. But generally hands are like a good starting place. All right, so let's say you experimented with a little kink. You tried a few things out. So let's talk about aftercare. So aftercare is absolutely crucial for truly kinky sex. And I think this is yet another thing that true kinksters like do so well. I think most people who would describe themselves as like, only ever having vanilla sex have never even heard the word aftercare, but it can be a truly incredible addition to any person's sex life. So aftercare is basically the things that we do after having sex to ensure that we're feeling safe and connected and just good about the experience that happened.

It can also be like a really emotional intimacy building activity too. So for those of you, if you're not even doing kink, you could even take some of these after care care ideas. Especially, like to the guys out there, if you're like, oh, she keeps saying she wants more emotional intimacy, and I don't know what that means. Here is a very concrete, actionable way to start building some of that without really having to do anything that feels that out of the ordinary for you.

So kinky sex, like, can be physically or emotionally draining. And so aftercare just kind of ensures that your emotional and physical needs are met by each other. And a lot of people who are. Who have kink as a pretty prominent part of their sex life have like, elaborate rituals or routines around aftercare. So we're going to give you some examples of things that you can do this list may be a little bit of an overkill for somebody who's, you know, just dipping their toes into kink. But like we were saying, like, in general, we think the idea of aftercare is a really great thing that anybody can incorporate into their sex life.

Yeah. Just think about which of these sound good to you, might feel good to you, and whether you're engaging in kink or not, think about, do you want to incorporate any of these into your. Your sex life?

Okay, so on a purely physical front, I mean, aftercare could literally be like gently removing blindfolds or restraints, like, getting you out of whatever contorted position that you are in. So there might be like literal physical things to, to kind of bring the scene to a close. But it could be like getting something to eat or drink, even just having a little bit of water. But like, post sex snack sounds great. It could be getting something warm and cozy to snuggle up in. Soft kisses or caresses, maybe even a gentle massage or a bath shower. Like, those things can all just physically kind of help bring you back down to earth and feel safe and connected again. And then on an emotional level, you and your partner can discuss how you both felt during that, you know, little experiment with kink that you did together. It may also help to, like, remind yourselves that nothing about kink is weird or abnormal. Sometimes people, like, go out of their comfort zones and try something different and then they enjoy it. But like, afterwards there's kind of a rush of shame and that can come in like, oh, my God, I can't believe I did that. And I liked it, you know, so it might help to just have that reminder to each other of, like, that was great that we allowed ourselves to experiment and explore and, you know, all that kind of stuff.

Yeah. So, I mean, like, if you are doing something kinky to your partner, this could be a great thing to keep in mind afterwards that, like, while your partner may have really enjoyed it, they might have some feelings that come up where they're feeling a little judgmental towards themselves or a little ashamed. So it very immediately it could be super helpful for you to be like, hey, that was super hot. I really enjoy, like, I really enjoyed seeing you enjoying that. I, you know, would love to do that with you again. Those kinds of things that can help put them at some ease, that, oh, yeah, there's nothing, nothing abnormal about what we just did. Nothing wrong with what we just did. And my partner who did it to me enjoyed that doing it.

Yeah. And you may also even want to Revisit this a couple of days later. Like, let's say you tried something that really was out of your comfort zone. Like, it felt like a pretty big step for you. So it can be nice to discuss things, you know, right after you've just had them, but also to give yourself a few days to kind of, like, process it, think it through, see if any other reactions come up, and then have a conversation later and just say, like, hey, let's talk about that. Do we want to do that again? Do we want to, like, make any sort of. Of adjustments to it? That kind of stuff. But aftercare can be such a great way to connect with each other and continue these experiments with kink.

Oh, yeah. All right, let's do a couple listener questions.

Okay.

All right. So first question is, what if my partner prefers kink, but I'm not always okay with it or don't know if I'm okay with it?

Okay. First of all, I want to normalize that. In most relationships, you're going to have different levels of interest in kink. You're just different people. It's totally normal. So I think a lot of people can get themselves a little bit worked up. Up about that. Like, I'm vanilla and my partner's kink. What do we do? Like, that's the case for so many couples. Right. So I guess what my attention gets drawn to next is the, like, I'm not always okay with it or don't know if I'm okay with it. So you absolutely get to have your own boundaries around sex. If there's something that feels like, yeah, I'm not okay with that, it's out of my comfort zone. It's against my boundaries. Like, that is your prerogative, and you get to share that with your partner, and your partner needs to respect that. And so your partner may have their own feelings around that that, like, I'm really bummed that my partner doesn't want to explore this with me. They're allowed to have those feelings, but obviously not pressure you to change your mind about it.

Yeah. And on the flip side, I think if you are not feeling okay with something, I think it's equally important to not shame your partner for the thing that they want or make them feel like, oh, you shouldn't want that. You should be okay with just the sex that we've been having or just vanilla sex, because that's, you know. Know that's equally. Equally problematic.

Yeah. The second part of it was, if I don't know if I'm okay with it. So there are a bunch of things that you could do here. Like, one is to get a better sense of your own feelings that are coming up. If you're not sure how you're feeling, like, take a little bit of time to feel into, like, what are the reactions I'm having? Where are they coming from? What do I want to do about this? And then another thing that you could do is explore baby steps with your partner. So if your partner's telling you, you know, I want to have this whole sex dungeon setup, like, that might feel overwhelming to you, and you're like, I don't. I don't know if I want to have that. But maybe if you take the time to, like, okay, well, what if it was at first we just bought a few toys, or at first we played around with restraints? Like, break it down into the baby steps and see if there are any possibilities for you to be more flexible there.

Oh, yeah. And, I mean, just because you try something once or dip your toes in it does not mean you have to keep going. Like, you know, we've been talking about. About this before. You know, it's like, if your partner does something to you, you are, you know, you should talk about it afterwards. And, like, how did that feel? Like, oh, yeah, like, that was great. I'd love to do it again. Or, you know, maybe I didn't love that so much. Let's not do that again. If you are doing something to your partner, you equally get to have that conversation about, how did it feel for you just engaging in that with your partner? It's like, I think a lot of people get it in their heads that, oh, well, if I say yes, then I'm like, giving a perpetual yes, yes. Or it's like a slippery slope type thing of, okay, well, I started, and now I can't stop, or we can never go back. And that is not true. You. You, both of you, get agency and get a say and get desires and preferences and boundaries. All right, next question is, how do I not feel shame around my kink?

Okay, so let's just first start off by saying that there is nothing shameful about any of your sexual interests or desires. Like, you know, Xander and I have said this before that our belief is that as long as it's between enthusiastically consenting adults, anything and everything goes. So please don't judge yourself for, you know, the curiosities that you happen to have. But that being said, like, we did talk a lot about all these misconceptions that people have about kink and that we're defining it as, like, these unusual or abnormal activities. So it makes perfect sense to feel shame, because there is, like, a kind of global shame that gets put onto kinky activities, or there's just this general.

Desire of, oh, I wish I was more normal, or I. I just wish that I was like other people.

Yeah. And then, of course, I'll say, you know, if there's some, like, big feelings coming up around you, a deep story around it, like, of course therapy can be beneficial in helping you kind of unpack those feelings, because shame's a tricky one. Like, it's. It's easy for us to sit here and say, like, don't be ashamed. It's normal and common, and it's okay. Okay. But the likelihood that us just saying that one sentence is really going to penetrate you and just completely obliterate the shame, like, it's. It's pretty unlikely. So, you know, for a lot of us, like, we need to do therapy and to have this, like, safe place to process our thoughts and experiences in order to dissolve that shame.

All right, final question. I feel like this is an experience a lot of people can relate with. Early in my relationship, I suggested toys. It was a no. Seven years later, and I'm too scared to ask again.

Okay, so first, let's give this person some acknowledgment and applause for being brave and making a suggestion of their partner. And it sucks to hear a no from your partner. Right? Like, it's. It's really tough to be vulnerable and to get turned down by your partner. That being said, like, it was seven years ago, and it's just so important for couples to be able to communicate openly and consistently about their sex lives in relationships. So so much can happen in seven years, and your partner, you know, might have completely changed their ideas or attitudes or beliefs about toys. Who knows? Your partner may even be sitting there thinking, like, I want to play with toys. But I said no. And now I can't, like, go back and change my mind. So I would bring this up again. And honestly, I wouldn't even reference the past conversation. It was so long ago. I'm kind of curious to know if people want us to do an episode about how to suggest something new to your partner. Like, that could be an episode in and of itself. So come over to Instagram, Vanessa Marin therapy, and DM us and let us know if that's something that you'd be interested in. But I would just suggest it again, and what I would do, we'll give you like a little quick sneak peek at this potential new episode? What I would do is just tell your partner why it's something that you want to explore with them. So sometimes we get so nervous about suggesting something that we say it in these kind of weird and awkward ways. But instead, you want to focus on and, like, why does it feel sexy to you? Why is your partner the one that you want to do it with? What benefit do you think it would have but give this conversation a go? Again, I think that you might be surprised.

Yeah. I think trying to bring up why it would be fun together is huge. Because very often when we don't give that context, it can be easy for the partner on the receiving end of that request of incorporating toys to feel like, oh, they want to use whatever that toy is because I'm not providing enough of what whatever on my own. And so, yeah, in the. In that other context of, hey, this would be so fun for us to do together, then it's like, oh, this is something we're doing together. It's not like I need to bring a third thing into in between us because you're not enough.

So we're gonna put a couple of things in the show notes for you. We will, I guess, put a little screenshot of our emoji.

Yeah.

Strong emoji game. From the review. We'll put our dirty talk guide and our top 10 ideas for who to role play.

Well, that's all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we answer all your questions about us in a special Ask Us Anything episode.