Episode 67: Hot Takes: How We REALLY Feel About Your Most Requested Topics

That was kind of fun going through and just like, off the cuff, trying to see how we feel about it.

That was fun. What do you guys think about this? You like the hot take format by breaking the third wall here.

You seem funny.

Like you seemed horrified when I started talking to people.

What do you guys think?

Well, I mean, we are literally talking to the people listening. That's what podcasting is.

Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your host hosts Vanessa and Zander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.

And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. So today we're doing something a little bit different.

Oh, yeah.

And we are doing a whole episode of Hot Takes.

Hmm.

What's a hot take, Xander?

Well, a hot take is when we just react to something without thinking too much about it. Maybe we say something a little controversial, maybe, maybe not, but just kind of like off the cuff, like, here's what we think about this. No bullshit.

Wow. I was thinking maybe I'd catch you a little bit off guard and, like, not know how to describe a hot take, but I think that's a pretty good description.

Well, the thing is, I listen to a lot of sports podcasts and commentary, and hot takes are a very common thing in the sports world. You know, some. Some people love or hate hot takes. It's kind of like in the sports world, it's like, oh, who can just come up out of their ass with, like, the weirdest out of our ass?

You know, just.

Just pull out of their butt. Like, the weirdest hot take.

Why is that a saying? Pull something out of your ass?

That's a good question. I mean, I guess it's better that you can pull something out of your ass versus having to go to the hospital, to the ER and have it pulled out for you.

What about sticking it up your ass? Stick it up your.

Why? Why is it in your butt in the first place?

I don't know.

Don't put your hot takes in your ass.

Sounds spicy. Okay, well, today we are going to be giving you our hot takes on all things sex and maybe some relationship things, like.

Sure, I think.

So we put a question box up on Instagram and We asked our audience, like, tell us what you want to hear our hot takes on, and our team member put together a list of the most popular ones that people wanted to know. So I guess we'll be pulling them out of our ass.

Out of our ass into your ears.

Wow, that's a horrible visual.

That was my hot take right there on the term, you know, pull it out of your ass.

Oh, boy.

From my ass to your ears. Wow. That. That's going to be maybe. You know, the thing is, when you hear me say this in the podcast, that might not even be funny to you because our. The episode title may already be from Xander's ass to your ears.

I don't know about that.

Well, I'm going to propose it to the team. We'll see. Our team. We. We tend to vote on podcast titles.

So you think they're going to like that? I don't think anybody would want to listen to that.

From our ass to your ears.

No, just from your ass.

Oh, just. Just mine. Oh, well, no one wants that.

All right, well, today we're going to give you our hot takes on everything from facials to makeup sex. So without further ado, I guess we should get into it.

Well, we should, but I have a hot take first on our review of the week, so we'll. I'll read the review of the week, and then maybe one of us will have a hot take on it. Or not. We'll see. Because I haven't read it yet, so, I mean, really, I'm being set up as if it is a hot take, which is. Which is great. You know, it's just all in this theme. All right, you lit it up. Five stars. I have always been very sexual, but was taught that sex was dirty, therefore limiting my pleasure, because I didn't want my man to think poorly of me. This podcast has changed my perception, opened up our communication, and literally set our sex life on fire. Oh, I shared.

Literally. That sounds dangerous.

I share them with any and everyone. I think they're talking about us. They share us with the podcast. The podcast, Yeah. I share them with any and everyone. Keep it up. Pun intended. You're doing a phenomenal job. And then, wow, we have a string of emojis.

Oh, you haven't had many emojis to do lately.

Kiss muscles. Purple devil star eyes. Clap. Hallelujah. Fire bomb. Squirt, squirt.

Wow, look at you go. You're getting so good with your emoji game.

Oh, yeah.

Great job, babe. Well, thank you so much for this wonderful Review. Reviews are so meaningful to us. They really help the podcast grow. And we do a weekly giveaway to say thank you for taking the time to leave a review. So if you go to the main page on Apple Podcasts of the podcast, scroll down to the bottom, you'll see a space to leave a review. And if you just take a few seconds to drop something there that sounded weird.

Drop it. Type it. Ideally, type it.

Type it into the. Type it into the box. Leave a review.

There you go.

You are entered into our giveaway every week. Going forward, we pick a review of the week, and if you're featured, you can send us a DM on Instagram, ask us a question, and we will send you back a free personalized coaching session as our thank you for taking the time. All right, so let's get into our hot takes. But before we do, I do want to give a little bit of a disclaimer that, like, one of our main guiding principles is, is that you get to do whatever the hell you want to do with your sex life. So I think we're going to be talking about, like, certain sexual acts and stuff like that. But just because we are or are not a fan of something doesn't mean that that is the objective. Right answer that you should also be a fan or not a fan. I mean, I think hot takes are entertaining because usually, like, a lot of people agree and a lot of people disagree. So I just want to be super clear, like, if we say we don't like something that you love, the goal is not to make you feel embarrassed about it or that you should stop doing it. It's just like, we're just giving our little entertaining tip. Yeah. And also talking out of our. Pulling it out of our asses.

Yeah. I mean, and also, the goal shouldn't be that you feel like you need to do everything that we do or you need to like everything that we like. Like, Vanessa and I are individual, unique people. We have our own preferences.

We don't always agree with each other.

Our own desire. Yeah, we don't always agree with each other. And so these hot takes are going to be more based on our own preferences and our own feelings about something. But, you know, I think we'll try to balance that a bit with, like, normalizing something for other people or say, oh, you know, other people like this. It's just me that doesn't like this. I'm going to be careful to not be like, you shouldn't do this because.

This is stupid what you doing down here with Your feet. I don't know. There's a lot of, like, action going on with these toes. You're twisting them, curling them in, crossing them over each other. I've never seen anybody do that.

I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing.

Excited for these hot takes. Those toes are curling in anticipation. Somebody said you had nice feet the other day.

Thank you to that someone.

Yeah, they said, very nice.

Okay, away we go. Vanessa, first one is what. What's a. Give us a feminist perspective on blowjobs.

So I think a lot of people have the idea that blow jobs are demeaning, and they definitely can be. I mean, there's a lot of, like, disgusting porn. And there are a lot, you know, penis owners who can be, like, really gross about it and make it a demeaning act.

Yeah, like that stereotype of, like, the guy, like, pushing the woman's head down and she's like, pushing back and he's like, oh, you know, it's like they're not talking about. He's like, go down there, Go down there.

Or like, holding onto her. I mean, yeah, there's a lot of nasty stuff that can happen, but I don't think that that makes a blowjob inherently demeaning at all. I think that blowjobs are actually one of the most empowering things that you can do in the bedroom. Like, I think there. There are very few where I feel as confident in the bedroom is when I'm going down on you. Cause I'm like, those toes are curling again. I just feel like I'm feeling confident in my skills. I'm seeing exactly how you're reacting. I'm just giving to you. So there's no focus on my own body or my own pleasure. It's just focus on what it is that I'm doing to you. And to me, that's a very, very exciting, confidence inducing, empowering of thing. Like, I don't think of myself as being subservient or demeaned or anything like that. Like, I feel very powerful in those moments. And so that's what really what we want to teach people as well. Like, that's why we have our foreplay guides that really go into step by step detail about exactly how to give blow jobs in a way that's going to make you feel confident and excited and powerful. And we will link to those in the show notes. But yeah, again, it's like, I don't think that blow jobs are inherently a bad or demeaning thing. It's just the context in the situation. Like, if you're with somebody who's making you feel demeaned and objectified, then don't give them a blowjob. But it's not the blowjobs fault.

Yeah, I mean, I think if. If I could take this a step farther, I think that part of the problem with this idea that, like, blowjobs are demeaning or something, it's like straight men's own fault for not going down on women enough. I think that there's also sort of this tit for tat thing of, like, oh, well, he never does it to me, but he's always asking me to do it to him. And it sets up this dynamic of, like, oh, blowjobs are this thing that guys want and. And girls have to give them, but they don't want to give them because they ain't getting shit in return. So if you're a guy out there, unless your girl friend, wife, whatever, is telling you explicitly, do not go down on me. I don't like it. I don't want it. Like, if you are not giving her approximately a similar amount of oral sex, like, you're part of the problem.

Hmm.

That's what I think.

Okay.

That's Xander's top take. Yeah. Go down on her more.

Xander's feminist perspective.

Go down on her more. You're. You're ruining blow jobs for the rest of us.

Oh, zing.

All right. In a similar vein, Vanessa, what about to swallow or not to swallow? Speaking of blowjobs.

And also speaking of our little caveat that we gave at the beginning of the episode. Okay, so my hot take is just swallow. It's so much easier. It's faster.

Actually. Stays in your mouth for less amount of time.

Exactly, yeah. I mean, if you're getting up to spit, it's like you have to hold it in your mouth. You're tasting it. You're, you know it's there. You have to find somewhere to spit it out. Like, am I gonna do the Kleenex? Is there too much? Is it gonna overflow? Do I have to go to the bathroom? Like, there's so much thought that gets involved in spitting again. Like, if you're like, I don't feel comfortable swallowing, it doesn't feel good to me. It doesn't feel safe for me, whatever it is. Like, you absolutely do not have to. But I just think that, like, the practicality of it is a lot easier to just swallow. And I also think if you are going to spit, it's really Important not to shame your partner about it. Like, this is something I think comes up in male female relationships a lot. Like, we get a lot of DMs, to be honest, from women who are saying, like, ew, it's so nasty. I can't let them come in my mouth. Like, I don't want that gross guy come in my mouth. Like, it's gross. And I just think, like, how would we women feel if we heard men describing our bodies that way?

Like, oh, you're too wet. Gross.

I don't want to go down on her. Like, that tastes gross. I don't want it in my mouth. Like, that's so hurtful to hear as a woman. So why, as women do we think it's not hurtful for a man to hear, Right? So, like, if you're jumping out of bed, like, oh, gross, it's in my mouth. I have to go spit. And you're making this big show of, like, spit, spitting it out and brushing your teeth and, like, oh, that was so nasty. Like, that's just a mean thing to do to your partner. So again, you can totally spit if that's what feels better for you. But make sure you're doing it in a respectful way, like, not making this whole show out of it being disgusting, because it's not. It's just a bodily fluid. Totally normal, natural, healthy part of the human body. So let's not shame anybody for their body fluids.

All right, now, you know, I guess we're just gonna go there. Facials.

Facials. Okay, so if you don't know what a facial is, that is when your penis owning partner.

Yeah, there you go. That was great. Penis owning partner.

Your pop. Oh, God, no. Your penis. Or why do I keep wanting to say, like, ornering.

Ornery.

Ornery.

Ornery penis owning partner.

Owning partner ejaculates onto your face.

Yes.

Like, you're getting a little facial with some semen. I think that they can be really hot. And I think, again, just like, the, like, the feminist perspective on blowjobs. I think a lot of people, a lot of women in particular, think of facials as being this, like, demeaning thing. Like, oh, my God, he's just, like, coming in my face. That's so, like, dehumanizing. Or, like, he doesn't care about me. And again, you could have a partner who's going to be a total asshole and do that. But I think, like, the objective experience is not inherently demeaning. I think it can be really hot to have a partner like Ejaculate. Somewhere that they don't normally. You get to see it. You get to feel it. I think it's pretty sexy.

Yeah. I mean, bodily fluids are hot. If we don't have any shame around bodily fluids. If you enjoy sex and if you are into your partner and you don't have shame around it, like, bodily fluids can and should be really hot. So, like, yeah, get him all over the place.

I say, if you're going to get a facial, close your eyes. Because, yeah, it can sting if it gets into your eyes. And if you've never done it before, I would recommend starting with having him ejaculate somewhere else other than your face or inside of you or in your mouth, like on your breasts, on your stomach, on your back. Like, experiment with that first. It's a little bit easier than the facial. The facial is kind of like the next level of that. Okay, I've got one for you, 69ing. What's your hot take on 69ing?

Love it. Love it. So the thing that I love about it, I think, is the thing that many people hate about it, which is the distraction. The distraction factor. Yeah, I think it's super hot. They're like, oh, it's so good. Oh, wait, no. But I need to concentrate, too. Now, I do know that Vanessa's hot take may be that I tend to get more distracted than she does, and so my technique suffers. And maybe she's right about that. I don't know. I'm distracted in the moment. You know, who can say? I can't.

I can say you do get very distracted. I'm not a huge fan of 69. I think it can be like. It's an. It's one of those things that's kind of entertaining to play around with. It's novel. Like, we do it every once in a while just for, like, the. The novelty aspect of it, but from a pure physical perspective. Like, I don't like focusing on giving and receiving at the same time. Like, it just. With oral sex in particular, there's something about oral sex. Anything else I can do give and receive at the same time. But oral sex, it's just. It's too distracting for me. And, yes, you definitely get very distracted. So it'll be like feeling good for a moment, and then I'm like, buddy, you stopped moving. Like, I'm not feeling anything, I mean, anymore.

All right, so, you know, maybe it's just. Maybe it's not really for me. I mean, also, the reality is, for us, the height difference really causes a Lot of problems. So I think it's great if the goal is just. We're just gonna do this for, like, a minute or two, just for the novelty factor. It is not meant to be, like, the main event. Because, I mean, it can be. Yeah, it can be. But I think, like, I think it's fun. I think it's super fun for it to just be a short thing that we do between other things or in the middle of intercourse or.

Or.

Or something like that. Because, you know, for me, I. I don't want the expectation to be that, like, we're both having an orgasm from it. Because of the distraction factor. Because we're too tall. Yeah. I don't think we've ever tried to. And I think a lot of people get hung up on 69 in. Cause they think, oh, I have to. Am I going to do this for, like, 20 minutes? And like, yeah, don't do it for 20 minutes. Like, that's. That's challenging. Yeah. All right, back to you, Vanessa. Lingerie. To wear or not to wear?

I say to wear. So we get a lot of DMs from women saying, like, I don't really understand the purpose of lingerie. Like, I go to all this effort to put it on, and oftentimes it's, like, strappy, and it has all these weird hooks and closures, and you have to figure out how the hell to put it on in the first place. And then, like, my partner sees it and they take it off in 10 seconds. So, like, why even bother with it? But I think it's totally worth it. And I like to compare it to wrapping up a present. Like, you could say, I was just.

Gonna give that example. Yeah. Why the hell do you wrap those Christmas presents? The second you put it in their hands, they rip right off.

Rip it. Right. Yeah. So it's sort of like, you know, why bother? But of course, when you get a present that's wrapped up nicely, it's so much more exciting than somebody just literally handing you over the unwrapped gift. Right. So I think of lingerie in the same sort of way. Plus, for me, I really like finding lingerie that I feel genuinely sexy in. So there's, like, a lot of crappy lingerie that, like, just doesn't do it for me. I'm not into it. But when I find pieces that I'm like, yes, I like the way this looks on my body. I like the way it feels. Feels, I feel super confident. Sometimes I just wear it for myself, or I'll wear It, like, under my clothes. So it's kind of a little bit of a surprise. But, you know, even if I know we're gonna have sex and I'm like, let me just slip away for a second and put it on. Even if I know it's literally gonna come off in like, 15 seconds, it still feels worth it to me. Does it feel worth it to you?

Oh, yeah. Hell, yeah. I. I think it's. I mean, it's fun. It's fun to take it off. Also, though, what I will say is that there are some types of lingerie with little snaps that you could keep on, that you can. So you can open it up and you can still access the part.

You don't even have to open it up. It's already opened up.

Yeah, it's already opened up. Or maybe you can just kind of shove it to the side. So there are ways, you know, certain types. So if you get really hung up on the. I don't want to put it on if I'm just going to take it off, then absolutely. Just search for lingerie that is set up so that you don't have to take it all the way off, and boom, problem solved.

All right, Xander. Threesomes. Hot.

Take more trouble than they're worth. Oh, I mean, says the person who has never had a threesome. But hear me out. Hear me out. Okay, so I think that. Okay, so I think that there is a super hot, like, fantasy aspect of this, of the sort of, like the fantasy of, like, oh, the threesome that just happens, you know, like you see in the movies or something. Like, oh, you know, we're just, like, hanging out and all of a sudden the clothes are coming off and I'm hooking up with my wife and her best friend or something like that. But I think the reality is it doesn't happen like that in real life. And if it were to happen like that in real life, if you are in a serious, monogamous, committed relationship, that is going to be problematic because you haven't talked about it in advance, you haven't set any boundaries, you haven't made sure that both partners are really on board with it. And so I think to truly have a successful threesome in a. In a monogamous relationship. I want to be really clear. I'm talking about monogamy here. There are a ton of other options in addition to monogamy, where perhaps threesomes could be easier. But I think in reality, they are also not easier because to do it in a way that's Respectful to, you know, your partner. There has to be a lot of conversations about it. You have to, you know, kind of have, like, pre process some of the potential jealousy that's going to come up. You know, you got to decide on, like, who are you going to have the threesome with. You go find that person, communicate with them, set boundaries.

Everybody's okay.

Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, and I think everyone that I've talked to that has had threesomes, like, acknowledges that there's very likely, almost inevitably going to be that awkward moment in the threesome where two of the three people start to pay a little bit more attention to each other and that the third person, you know, really starts to feel like a third and starts to feel a little left out. And, you know, like, that's just the reality of the way that our bodies work is, like, you can't, like, equally pay attention to three different things at once. And so, you know, it's just like, how are you going to manage that? So for us, I know we've talked about, like, is this something that we ever want to do? And we've kind of talked through, like, what would we need to have in place in order to make this even a feasible option? And it's just kind of felt like it just doesn't really feel worth it.

Yeah. I mean, it definitely is a lot of work to, like, do it properly. I mean, I agree with you that, like, the idea of it could sound really hot, but all the work that has to go into it. And then if I think about, like, realistically, what do I think it would be like to have another person in our bed? It's like, oh, God, that feels a little bit intense.

Yeah. And I can imagine it's one of those things where if we had the goal of, like, oh, we want to have a lot of threesomes, or this is something that we want to kind of do continually throughout our relationship. I would imagine maybe it would feel worth it to put in all that effort up front, because once we get those boundaries in place, once we feel comfortable with it, then it's kind of maybe. Maybe like a rinse and repeat type of thing. But, you know, when I think about. I'm like, yeah, like, the. What I would get out of that doesn't. Doesn't really feel, like, worth it. Like, I love our sex life the way it is. I don't want to jeopardize it. All right, Vanessa, what about talking about your sex life with your friends?

That's a really interesting one because obviously we are all about talking about sex openly, taking the taboo out of it. And so I think having conversations with your friends is part of that. It's just like normalizing it. Checking in with your friends about their sex life the same way you would check in with the them about, like, you know, other aspects of their life or their relationship. But I think what gives me a little bit of pause is, like, I think about. I'll speak for myself. I think about the kinds of conversations that I had with my girlfriends, like, at the beginning of past relationships. And we would share a lot of details, like how big the guy's penis was, how long he lasted, whether he was good or not. And, like, it was very fun to go through all those details. Like, I remember so many, like, brunch conversations or, like, going on walks with girlfriends and, like, okay, let me tell you about everything that happened last night, like, breaking it down in all that detail. And then I think about, like, how would I feel knowing that your friends knew that level of detail about me? Oh, and I think it's really interesting in situations where, like, maybe you slept with someone pretty early on, you weren't really attached to them. You didn't even know that this was going to turn into a relationship. And so it's like, you share all these details with your friend, and then it's. It turns into a serious relationship.

Like, six months later, like, you're having brunch together. You're like, oh, God, like, all of these people here know all the intimate details of this person. And maybe I said some kind of demeaning or talked shit about them a little bit. And now here we are, six months later, like, super serious, and maybe I'm going to marry this person. And whoops, I wish they didn't know all that.

I've had a lot of friends confide things in me about, like, their partner having performance issues or something, like, really kinky that they liked in the. In the bedroom that my friend wasn't really into. And it's like, you know, and then they ended up being in these really long relationships, and I'm like, okay, I know. I know all the stuff.

Yeah. I mean, it's kind of like outing them in certain regards, like outing certain elements of your sex life or it's, you know, attributes of the partner that they might not feel comfortable with.

And I think, like, you know, I'm a very. Both of us are very safe people for our friends to talk to. Like, we don't have any sort of judgment about, like, oh, you have Performance issues or like you have this fetish or whatever. We're like, cool, whatever. That's great. But I think, you know, not a lot of people hold that same sort of perspective. So I don't know what I would like. I don't know if I have a hot take on this one because it's like, on the one hand, I want people to talk to their friends openly. I think we need to have more of those conversations. At the same time, I do think we need to be like a little bit conscious of our partner's privacy and what sorts of things. You know, like, I wouldn't want your friends, like, knowing graphic details about what my genitals look like. There's a line.

Yeah.

And I don't know exactly where that line is.

Yeah, yeah, it's tricky. All right, here's my hot take on this one. It is. Read the room.

Oh, okay.

If I think back kind of throughout, you know, my high school through present, you know, I think I definitely have, you know, certain people that have shared more about their sex life than others. And I think that it can cross the line into like, bragging territory pretty easily. Especially, I don't know, I guess I can just talk about guys. Like, I can think of certain people I have been friends with sort of throughout the years where it's like, it just seems like they're always talking about something about, you know, the last sex they had with their partner. And it starts to cross this line into like, it feels like they're bragging. Maybe it feels like they're exaggerating. It's like just about them. Like, they're not asking any questions to like, oh, like, how's your sex life? Or whatever. So talk about it. Don't like, don't just go on a monologue about how great things are for you or just like bragging about what you did. It's like actually have a conversation and lead with asking questions of your friends before you jump in with what's going on with you. Otherwise, it can be very easily perceived as just bragging.

And I would say, like, think about putting yourself in your partner's shoes. Like, if you're about to share something about your partner, would you want your partner to be sharing something similar about you? I'd be careful about who you're talking to. Like, if you have one really close friend that, you know, like, hey, I can really be honest with this friend and they've proven themselves to be trustworthy and non judgmental, like, that's great, versus, you know, casual, more Casual types of friends. And I would also say, like, if your partner expresses a boundary around this, like, if your partner says, please don't tell anybody about this, then I think you owe it to them to respect that boundary.

Yeah. So I think that. What. Once you are getting into committed relationship territory, this is a great conversation to have. Hey, how do we feel about sharing details of our sex lives with our friends or of our sex life with our friends and just kind of talking through the types of things that you might share? Because. Yeah, you and your partner may have very different ideas of what feels appropriate or not. All right, what about erotica or smutty books? Where did the word smut come from? I love. I think it's just a great sounding word. Smut.

It is really good.

I'm really curious with the etymology of smut.

I actually don't know. We'll have to look that up later. This is interesting timing that we're asked about this one because I am knee deep.

You're balls deep.

I'm balls deep in some serious. In some smut in. In the smutty series. Our friend Dr. Cassidy has been telling me to read a Court of Thorn and Roses series. And so I finally did, and it is very spicy. It's a great series. I mean, it's kind of like Game of Thrones meets True Blood, but sexy.

Yeah.

So, I mean, I guess those things were sexy too.

It would be like if George R.R. martin, instead of going on for like, 10 pages about the details of the food. If that was sex. Yeah. Instead of all the details about pigeon eye and, like, lamprey, eel, whatever. Like, instead of that. That he just was like a perv talking about sex.

Yeah, it is. So it's a. This is a great series. I don't think I've ever really read smutty books before. I read Fifty Shades of Gray. Like, it kind of felt like a professional obligation because it was so popular. So I guess I've read those. I didn't really enjoy those. I thought they were okay.

Do you now understand why romance novel novels are, like, so popular in airports?

I kind of do. I mean, it's. They're fun. The reason that I like this series is that it's a great series. Like, the sex is a very small part of it.

Oh, she reads it for the articles.

The rest of it. This series is very entertaining. And so I like the books overall, but it's definitely. It's very sexy to read sex scenes. And it's got me thinking about. I think we all like to be stimulated in different ways. Some of us are more visual, and we like seeing a sexy scene, like in tv, a movie. Some of us are more auditory. We like hearing some dirty talk or, like, a little audio erotica. And this book has definitely made me realize, like, I'm a very. What is that reading?

I don't. There's not a good.

There's not a thing.

Yeah, yeah. There's not. I mean, it. It's not audio unless you're saying it out loud. Yeah. What is the word? You're comprehensive.

There must be some sort of word. It's like, I'm very turned on by reading.

Yeah, I mean, it's like a comprehensive. It's like. Like you're comprehensive or something. I don't know.

I'm definitely way more turned on by reading than I am by anything else. Like, this series has been like, oh, okay.

And I've been enjoying it, too, because she brings. She brings that energy with her.

Yeah.

Into the bedroom, into our relationship.

I think a lot of people worry about, like, oh, is there something wrong with me? I'm not supposed to read these. I'm not supposed to like them. And I think that that. That's totally false. Like, there's nothing wrong with enjoying reading a sexy scene. Just like, there's nothing wrong with enjoying watching one on, like, a TV show or a movie or anything like that. Like, it's just stimuli. It doesn't mean anything. And, yeah, if you're taking that energy and bringing it into the bedroom with your partner, sharing it with them, maybe you guys read the scenes out loud to each other. Like, that can be very, very fun. So I think there's nothing wrong with it. You may not be the kind of person who loves reading sex scenes. Maybe you are kind of get turned on in different sorts of way. But if you are, go for it and give me more of your recommendations. They have to be good. Like, we were actually on a plane a couple months ago, and there was a woman next to me reading a smutty book. And it just looked like a really bad, dumb book. So I was like, it's.

It looked like a bath dump book. Like, how much did you read, babe?

I mean, we were sitting.

Watch out. If you sit next to Vanessa on a plane, look out. Hide. Hide your kids. Hide your wife. Hide your smile.

She was. It was like a Southwest flight. So, you know, we were very close.

She was leaning. It's Southwest's fault now.

She was leaning on the shared armrest between us, and I wasn't. I Don't know. I. I was kind of looking over, and it just. It seemed a little silly. So it has to have a good.

I'm so sorry to this woman if. If you felt super uncomfortable because my wife was just reading along with you because Vanessa's a real fast reader. Like, she could probably read twice as fast as you anyway. So Vanessa probably look over, like, oh, okay, that page. Oh, 10 seconds later. Oh, I'm back again. Oh, next page.

I was very subtle. I was very subtle. But, yes, I am a little bit nosy. I mean, I. I, like, saw something about, like, throbbing member on the page. So, like, of course I'm gonna look at it. I gotta know. But it was. It was, like, about Cricket, and she was in Charleston, and, I don't know, it just looked kind of cheesy. So it's got to be a good book with good sex scenes, too. That's the. Okay, hold on. I gotta talk about this a little bit more. That's the other thing that I really like about this particular series is that there's definitely a big emphasis on female pleasure. I do have one bone to pick.

I was gonna say she does not.

Say the word clit in it. She uses all. She says. The apex of her thighs, her core, that bundle of nerves. It's like she clearly is talking about the clit.

I feel like the apex of your thighs. The apex of your thighs is really, like, your grundle.

Ye. It's clear. Like, she talks about touching it and licking it, and they're masturbating and all kinds. So it's like, there's clearly a lot of attention paid to it, which I love. But it's like, just say it's the freaking clit.

Or, like, just say it once so that the word is in there. So, like, someone reading it maybe is like, oh, what is this? I'll Google this word.

Yeah, so, I mean, the. The accuracy of the sex scenes, I give, like, a B plus because there is a lot of orgasms from penetration. But in general, she does pay a lot of attention to female pleasure. There's a lot of oral sex, a lot of touching, a lot of clit action. Bundle of nerve action.

So clit, but not clit, because she won't say it.

Okay, moving on. Xander, hot take on pegging.

Pegging. All right, well, I have never been pegged. However, I think there is literally nothing wrong with pegging. I don't think there's anything wrong with guys enjoying butt stuff. I think that there is. Is definitely a stereotype. I mean, we got. I. We Get Instagram messages about this every single time we mentioned pegging. Of, like, oh, well, if a guy likes pegging, he's gay, right? There is no. There's zero correlation between, like, you like something happening in your butt and you are gay. Like, it's a totally false correlation. Where I think where what happens is people go, okay, well, men who are gay tend to have anal sex. Therefore, if you have anal sex, you must be gay. But, like, gay men also tend to love blowjobs. So if you like a blowjob, does that mean that you are gay? Like, it doesn't work like that. You are allowed to enjoy whatever body part being stimulated that works for you, and that has no bearing on your sexuality. So therefore, nothing wrong with pegging.

Here's my hot take on pegging. Thrusting is way harder than it seems if you want to have a good laugh with your partner. If you're in a male, female, female relationship and you're a woman, try to get into, like, any of the sex positions that you guys normally do. Switch roles and try to thrust. It is shockingly hard. Like, I've seen Xander do a lot of thrusting. It does not seem that hard. Feels like I could be able to do it, but we have just, like, joked around and, I mean, you will end up crying, laughing. It's so funny trying to do this. I. I don't understand. I end up more like, flopping. It's very, very floppy. I'm like, flopping my whole body into you.

Yeah, she doesn't have enough.

That kind of like, hip, hip move. And I just don't have in me.

It's instinctual, babe. But, oh, you know what? And also, let me. Let me add a little bit to my hot take. I think here's the other thing that goes wrong with the, like, gay men like receiving anal sex. Therefore, if you get pegged, you must be gay. Is like, that's also just not true. Like, in the gay community, men tend to be tops or bottoms. Like, either enjoy receiving anal sex or giving anal sex. And there are some people that are flexible and enjoy a bit of but.

And some people don't have any.

Yeah. And some people that don't enjoy anal sex at all. It is just, like, a total misunderstanding of the gay community that, like, oh, if you're gay, you're just always getting fucked in the ass. That's just not. That's not how it works. I'm sorry.

And in case it's not abundantly clear, we also don't think that, like, being gay is A bad thing that should be. That straight guys should be so afraid of. Oh, my God, I'm secretly gay.

Yeah. Yeah. What's so bad about that? I don't get it. All right, tossing it back to V. Vibrators.

V is for vibrator.

V is for vibrator.

Okay. My hot take is that I personally don't really like vibrators. Ooh. I have tried pretty much every vibrator that's been in existence for the last 10 or 15 years. So I've tried them all. I think they're, like, great products. It's really cool to see all the technology that has evolved over the years. But, like, personally, they're too much for my body. Like, I can have an orgasm very quickly with them and it almost feels like too quickly, like there's no time for any sort of pleasure to build. It's just sort of like bam. And the orgasms themselves are not that pleasurable. It's sort of like a. It feels more like a sneeze, like a good sneeze, where you feel, like, a little bit of satisfaction afterwards. But it's not like a pleasurable. It's just this sense of, like, completion of like, bam. Okay, that's done. They just don't really do it for me. I'm not a big fan, but I am a big fan of them for other people. I think they can be so wonderful for people who like to explore, like, trying different sensations. For a lot of people who aren't physically able to masturbate with their hands or maybe aren't physically able to orgasm in other ways, like, vibrators can be amazing. They can speed things along for people who take a long time to orgasm, they can create sensation for people who feel, like, dulled sensation. Otherwise, like, there are a lot of amazing situations where they can just be fantastic, fantastic and life changing for. One thing that I will say about vibrators, though, is that I think it's important to be thoughtful about how you use them. So I want to be really careful because there's also a lot of, like, vibrator fear mongering out there of, like, making women feel bad for using them or like, oh, you're going to get addicted to them. And so I'm not saying anything like that, but I think that when you orgasm with a vibrator, you just can get accustomed to it, like that intensity of stimulation, how, like, mentally, how easy and quick it can be. And so if you're somebody who's like, I love my vibrator, it never does me dirty. I want to have all my. That sounds really weird. I want to have all my orgasms with a vibrator like you do. You use that vibrator to your heart's content. If you're somebody who's like, yeah, I love my vibrator. I want to have orgasms with it. And I also want to orgasm with my own hand and with my partner's hand or from oral sex or whatever it is, then just switch it up a little bit. Like, don't use the vibrator every single time because you just kind of get accustomed to like, like, oh, yeah, this is what I do. And this is the path to orgasm versus if you're, you know, mixing it up using your own hand, you know, you're not gonna, like, settle into that routine of it. So that's the one important thing to say about vibrators.

All right, what about yoni eggs?

Okay, so my hot take is I'm a big fat on yoni eggs. So if you haven't heard of them, what is.

What does mean for those who are unaccustomed? This is a very typical thumbs down, Vanessa thing.

You're not even doing it right. You gotta have, like, more.

I can't do it like you can. This is so gross. I wish I could. You do it really well.

Yeah, I know I do.

I mean, if I could do that, I'd do that all the time. I'm really curious how these are gonna come out on these mics. We'll see.

Sometimes I just hear the things that we're recording on this podcast. I'm like, what are we doing? Who gave us a microphone? I guess we just gave ourselves microphones.

Amazon. Thanks, Amazon.

Okay, so it means I'm not a fan if you've never heard of them. Yoni eggs are typically made out of stone. You insert them into your vagina, and the whole idea is that, like, by holding the egg up there, your muscles have to tighten to keep it up there. And so it's like tightening your vagina. It is a very ancient practice. I don't know, know the full, like, the full history of it, but I think in these modern days and times, there are a lot of reasons why yoni eggs are not great. First thing is we don't want to overly tighten the muscles of our vagina. I think we women are taught a lot of BS about, like, you know, oh, your vagina's loose, or like, you had a baby and now it's like, so loose and you need to tighten it up. And your partner's not going to be able to feel it. And that's just not true. And also so like the vagina is like any other muscle. Like you can over train other muscles and actually cause yourself injury, cause yourself pain. So the idea of like just wanting to tighten those muscles all the time is not good. If you do have genuine pelvic floor issues or like vaginal wall issues. Like you need to work with a pelvic floor physical therapist or a pelvic pain specialist if you're in any sort of pain, you actually can again really cause yourself serious damage by just over training these muscles without any, any sort of supervision whatsoever.

Is, is it fair to say that like using a yoni egg, it's like working a very specific muscle versus like working with a pelvic floor PT or whatever is like, is like gonna strengthen like all the muscles that need to be strengthened. I'm thinking this is kind of like guys that just do like bicep curls and no other arm exercises. Like, I just want the bicep to be huge.

It's is sort of similar to that. But like again, it's, it's that the, you know, we don't want to over train those muscles. We don't want to just be trying to get them tighter and tighter and tighter. There are different kinds of exercises that a pelvic floor physical therapist would have you doing and not doing. So it's like, that's not the only one thing to do with that. Like, there are much better toys on the market now, like actual pelvic floor trainers. And again, like only use these if you're working with somebody you know specifically who's telling you to do that. But there are better toys that you can use. Like some of the eg, some stones are safe to insert, others are more porous and not necessarily like the most hygienic. Some yoni eggs also have strings that are attached to them to like pull out. And the strings aren't always made with a hygienic material that's safe for you to insert into your body. Sometimes they have a little hole drilled into them and the hole can like trap bacteria. So there's just a lot of reasons why they're not great. So I do not give them my recommendation. My recommendation instead, if you have any sort of concerns, is go find a pelvic floor physical therap therapist. Okay, next one for you. This is a recent trend that we've been seeing on. I think it was one been on Tick tock a lot lately. Vabbing. Can you tell us what vabbing is and what's your hot take on it?

Oh, man. I think I learned what vabbing was like two weeks ago, and I love it. That's my, my hot take is, this is such a good body positive, like, taking the power back turn. That's what I think. So what vabbing is, is instead of wearing a perfume, you would stick your fingers down into your vagina, get a little bit up into your vagina, up.

Down, and then down and then up.

You got to put your. You got to put your fingers down first, then up.

Hot take. Xander doesn't know where the vagina is.

Well, I mean, what, what if you are. What if you're lying down when you're doing it? Then it's not. Dennis. Then it's not. You know, up and down is just relative to the position that you are. You are in. So, okay, put your fingers in your vagina, get a little bit of your own juices on your fingers, and, you know, just, like, put it on your neck.

Like, I love that you're acting this.

Out, you know, and then just dab away. Vab away, if you will, on your neck or wherever you like to put perfume. And I think the. The idea is it's sort of like a pheromone thing, right? Like, you know, instead of a flowery scent, it's that smell like, like vagina.

So you like it?

I love it. I think vulvas and vaginas smell and taste excellent. I love it. It gets me turned on. So I think that. And, And I feel like this is.

Would you be, like, weirded out, though, if you're like, I just come into the kitchen next to you and you're like, why am I smelling vagina right now?

You know, I'm sorry, baby. You. You don't smell that strong. Where I'd just be like, oh, it's vagina.

Well, then what's the point, though, if you wouldn't be able to smell it?

I mean, I think it's just a subtle thing. I mean, isn't that the whole point of pheromones is that it's sort of like this subtle thing? I mean, I, I. And the reality is I probably would be like, huh, what is that? It smells kind of good. I can't quite place what it is. I would probably just be a sort of subconscious, like, oh, now I'm thinking about sex.

I see. Like, I don't know if you actually would even notice it.

Yeah, I might not.

I'm Gonna test you out.

I might not.

One day this week, I'm gonna do it, and I'm gonna see if you. You notice.

All right. But even if it's just placebo, like, that might be a good thing for you. Like, if for women who for a long time been made to feel bad about what they smell like, what they taste like, I think that this is a powerful trend. It's like, hell, yeah. Like, this is me. I am delicious. You should want this. And I'm gonna put it on my neck. So, you know, I feel like it's sort of. It's like wearing lingerie under your clothes. Like, why would you do that? That no one's going to see it. They're under your clothes. It's like, to help you feel good. So if this is something that's going to make you feel good and sexy, like, hell, yeah, do it.

All right. Okay. What about you? What do you think about Roadhead?

You know, I. The way I feel about Roadhead is kind of similar to what you said for vibrators. I've had it before. It's not my favorite. Like, you know, I think to really have, like, a great orgasm, you kind of need to be. Be, like, focused on it and paying more attention. Also, you know, there's. There is a danger factor. There is absolutely a danger factor. I. I cannot say that, you know, I'm nearly as safe of a driver when I'm having. Receiving a blowjob. Yeah. I mean, it's also, like, kind of challenging position wise.

Like, I can't do my best work from this angle.

Yeah. So I mean, I. I think it's.

A novelty from the side. Doesn't really work.

Yeah. So, you know, I think it's a novelty. I think I've probably received Roadhead twice, and it was when I was younger, and I think it's, you know, like, more likely something that younger people do. Kind of like experimenting.

Yeah. I've never given it to you.

Trying new things. No, you haven't. And I don't need it. I don't want it.

Do you want to just go get in the car now while it's parked?

Yeah. Hey, that's a good idea. Do it part in your driveway, though.

I can't get. I can't get a good enough angle. And I, you know, I. I need good environment to do my best work.

Yeah. All right. Missionary sex.

I think that missionary gets a bad rap. I think a lot of people do that.

Underrated.

Missionary is like boring vanilla. It's, like, too generic. I don't want to have missionary sex, like, only missionary sex for the rest of my life. Like, I like a lot of other positions, too, but I think missionary can be a very fun position.

Oh, hell, yeah. I love it. It's one of my two favorite positions also. I mean, I think what's really underrated about missionary is there are a ton of ways to modify. There are a lot of modifications and variations. Like, I feel like the two most common things we do are missionary and cowgirl, and both of those. There's a ton of modifications. And. And I've. Yeah, I don't get in my head of, like, oh, I gotta go through, like, four different sex positions. I think when I first started having sex when I was younger, it was like this novelty thing. Oh, we got to do this position. Now I got to do this position. Now I got to do that position. And, you know, I guess I kind of, like, felt this enjoyment of, like, oh, yeah, we did all of these things. Or, like, oh, if we do four positions, then it's going to be a good sex session. But I feel like for us, it's like, we could just do cowgirl or we could just do missionary, and I feel like we end up going through, like, four or five different. What feels like different positions, and it feels very fulfilling.

Yeah. I mean, we. In our sex position playbook, we have many, many variations on it, and it's pretty shocking that, like, even just moving a little bit at a certain angle or tilting in a certain way can make the position feel totally different. So I really love, like, kind of moving in between all of those variations.

Yeah. Like you were saying, it can be shocking, like, the tiniest little adjustment, and all of a sudden, you know, like, we still happen upon things. We'd be like, oh, my God, what is that angle that feels so good. Good.

Yeah.

So, yeah, if you have no idea what we're talking about, you're definitely going to want to pick up a copy of the sex position playbook because we go into a lot of detail about all those different variations and modifications and link to that. You can thank us later.

You will thank us later.

All right. Moving along to strip clubs, Vanessa, especially if you're in a monogamous relationship, I.

Think strip clubs are great. Great. And before I get any further, I want to acknowledge, like, of course there is a dark side to strip clubs. Like, they're definitely. There are a lot of sad and scary things that go on, but what I want to focus on is, like, a high end, like, nice strip club in the US nobody's being coerced into it.

These are mostly in big cities. Yeah, I think, I think that as you get into smaller and smaller towns, it tends, there tends to be fewer high end and establishments.

Like when we were living in San Francisco, like we went to some strip clubs there that were incredible. I mean, it was like basically like a nightclub. The production value was just wild and the level of athleticism was so impressive. Like working a pole. Some of the tricks that they can do, like, it is wild and it's so much fun to watch. It's kind of like circus, you know, like contortionist, Cirque du Soleil kind of thing. So I was super impressed going. It was really fun to go together. Like, I really enjoyed myself. You know, we do hear from a lot of women on Instagram, like kind of feeling worried about their partner going without them. And I think this is just a case of like setting boundaries, having conversations about it beforehand and setting boundaries, talking about what you feel comfortable and not comfortable with.

And it's fine if the boundary is. I don't feel comfortable with one of us going to a stripe club. This is something we do together. Like, the boundary can be whatever you want.

Yeah. But I think just having those conversations beforehand. So, like, I'll say for myself, like, I wouldn't feel super comfortable with you going into a private room and like doing a bunch of private dances. Like, that feels very intimate to me. But you going like, you know, at a bachelor party, you guys are just sitting around the stage, you're watching, you know, people up on the stage. Like, that feels fine to me, but that's just my level of preference. So everybody's got to figure out for themselves. I will say though that like, especially in the high end strip clubs, like, like the women who are there are there to make money and they're making good money and they know how to make good money and like, they're not there to steal your man. Yes, bad things do happen in strip clubs sometimes. Boundaries get crossed, lines get crossed. Bad things happen everywhere sometimes, of course. But I think, you know, the majority of strippers, they're like, they're very smart business women and they're just there to like, get that money. And it's not about, like, it's not.

Like, oh, let's take a 30 minute break and just talk.

Yeah, just talk.

And you. And you don't pay me anything.

So it's a poor business decision. I think there are a lot of women who feel a lot more scared about what goes on in a strip club than actually happens.

Yeah. I mean, and yeah, I think that they're what comes up a lot is like this. Oh, my God, like, my partner is going to be turned on by somebody else, and I'm not there. And the reality with life is, like, we get turned on by things like, that's life. We. We have eyeballs. We see things. We. Maybe it's not even eyeballs. We might be reading an erotic novel. We. You know, I don't. I don't. We don't.

My eyeball.

Yeah, we don't know the word for, you know, what. What that type of stimulation is when you read it. But, you know, you could hear something, you could see something, you could read something, whatever. Like, the. The reality of life is that I. We will get turned on by things that are not our partner.

So, yeah, it's. It's just all about boundaries, Feeling into what feels comfortable for you. Okay, let's do a lightning round of a couple of types of sex to wrap us up here. What do you think about hot tub or, like, water sex?

All right, now this is a real hot take. I love it. I used to hate it. I.

You.

I had a story that, like, I couldn't stay hard, hard. That I couldn't really feel anything. But I don't know, I turned a corner. I enjoy it now. The end.

Very recently, we turned a corner. I do have to say, though, like, regularly having sex in a hot tub or like, a chlorinated pool, it's not great. For vulvas in particular. Not great.

Yeah. I'm not. I'm not about to go in a hot tub for the. For the explicit purpose of having sex. It's like if we're in a hot tub and then it happens. Happens. Cool. All right, Vanessa. Sex on the beach.

Not a fan. It sounds hot, but the reality of it is there's sand everywhere. You can't really get very much good leverage. I'm not trying to get arrested for indecent exposure. It's just. There are better places to do it.

Yeah. I mean, as someone that goes to the beach a lot for surfing, like, it is shocking how quickly sand gets places. Like, a towel is not going to keep the sand up. Morning sex.

I'm okay with it. I. So here's the interesting thing. For my body in particular, the sensations feel dulled in the morning. And I actually haven't looked into, like, is there any sort of research or science around that? But I don't feel as much sensation. It just from A purely physical standpoint. It doesn't tend to be as enjoyable for me, but I do like, like, like, it can be very fun and sexy sometimes to just kind of roll over and get right into it. I'm not squeaked out by morning breath. I think, like, you start kissing, maybe you notice it immediately, but it, like, it goes away pretty quickly.

Yeah. Especially if your own breath is pretty bad too.

It's like, you can't really tell I'm neutral on it. I'm totally. I'm happy when you initiate it. It's probably not something that, like, I initiate that often.

Yeah, I. I kind of have to say the same thing for myself.

Like, you're much more of a fan of it than I am.

No, I. What I'm saying is that, like, you know, for. For men, very often you have that. That morning wood.

What's that accent?

I don't know. You have that morning wood you have. Yeah. So it's like when I. When I have the. When I have morning wood, it. Oh, God. I just, like, had an image of my parents listening to this. I hope you guys aren't listening to this episode.

It was a terrible one for them to listen to.

I really hope you're not listening to this episode. Okay, that's awkward. Anyway, but what I'm gonna. What I was gonna say is that I feel like it tends to be a quicker experience. It's because I probably, like, had an erection for a while already, and I think sensation is kind of dull. Like, I'm going to enjoy the orgasm, but, like, I'm not going to enjoy the experience because it's not going to last for very long. Like, so I think, you know, sometimes when we do it, it's over pretty quickly and, you know, we. We both enjoy it, but I don't get as much enjoyment out of it, I don't think as like, you know, a regular middle of the day or end of the day sex.

All right, last one. Makeup sex.

I'm not a huge fan of makeup sex. I'm really not. I mean, yeah, it can't. Honestly, I don't think you and I have really even had like, a. For a. It's been a long time since we had, like. Like a real epic makeup sex. But yeah.

You don't feel turned on when we're having disagreements. Like, that's like, the last thing on your mind.

Yeah, I don't.

And especially not like an, Like a angry sex. I don't think we've ever had angry sex. You're. When you're like, upset or emotional or something's going on. Like, sex is the last thing on your mind.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. I mean, I. I think that it's one of those things where, yeah, if it happens, happens, and. And it felt good for both of you, and you can look back and be like, oh, that, that was hot. Cool. I think that's good. I think that makeup sex, if you're finding yourself, like, having the best sex only when you have makeup sex or you find yourself having a lot of makeup sex, I think you should probably examine, like, what is going on. Like, are you in some kind of bad cycle where you just keep having the same disagreements over and over again? Are you kind of creating these disagreements.

Agreements so that you can then make.

Up and have this sex? Like, that's not a very healthy dynamic. So I think that if it happens more than very occasionally, it's probably worth, like, an examination of what's actually going on.

All right, well, those are all of our hot takes. That was kind of fun going through and just like, off the cuff, trying to see how we feel about that was fun.

What do you guys think about this? You like the hot take format by breaking the third wall here. You seem funny, like, seemed horrified when I started talking to people.

What do you guys think?

Well, I mean, we are literally talking to the people listening. That's what podcasting is.

We've just never directly, like, well, for feedback, like. Right. I don't know. What do you think response right now?

How are you today? I hope you're having a nice day. Let me know. I would love to know. And I also love to know. What do you think of the holiday hot take format? Seriously, I'm curious because, like, I. I could definitely see this being a, you know, a semi regular format if you like it.

Yeah. I mean, I'm curious to know which ones people disagree with us the most because, like, we said, like, you know, the best hot takes, I think, is when there's, like, a pretty even split of people who love it and hate it. So, yeah, Come on over to Instagram, Vanessa Marin Therapy. Let us know and we will link some fun stuff for you in the show notes for this episode. I think we mentioned the foreplay guides, the sex position playbook, and then we have YouTube videos about 69ing facials. So we'll put all of that into the show notes.

All right, well, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about.

Oh, a drum roll.

Butt stuff.

Can't wait, Sam.