Episode 68: The Ultimate Butt Stuff Episode

You know, we talk a lot about how trying new things in and outside of the bedroom, it really builds emotional intimacy. And even if this ends up being something that you literally just do once, it could still be a really interesting and fun bonding experience for the two of you. Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.

And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship. Relationship. While giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had.

Let me set the scene. It is October 2021. Vanessa and Xander release a humble podcast episode entitled But Stuff. Soon. It is rapidly ascending the charts to become one of Pillow Talk's most popular episodes of all time. Remember that?

I do remember that.

Yeah, I think we were. It even caught us by surprise.

It did.

It did.

This intro is catching me by surprise.

Great.

You know, it's your first time starting off a podcast.

You told me to do the intro, and I took it seriously. Wow. I took it seriously.

Okay, continue.

So we released an episode called Butt Stuff. You might be confused because this episode is probably also called Butt Stuff. Wtf, Guys, what are you doing? But here's the thing. We released this episode. It became super popular. Like I said, even we were surprised by how popular it was. So we decided that leaving Butt Stuff as just a podcast wasn't going to be enough. We had to do more.

So dramatic.

We did.

Yeah, we did. We did.

We did. I mean, this is exactly. It's exactly what happened. I'm only telling the truth. So what. What did we end up having to do? Well, one, we're re recording this podcast, so that's a little awkward. But what we decided to do is to create our own guide, a product on how to do butt stuff. So much demand for the butt and the stuff behind it or something.

Lots of questions.

Yeah, lots of questions.

Lots of things people wanted to know.

Yeah, a lot of things people wanted to know. A lot of insecurities that people wanted us to allay. That's a good word.

That is a good word.

So we decided that, yeah, we had to create a really comprehensive how to guide, very similar to our foreplay guides, which teach you how to give a blow job, how to go down on a Vulva, how to give a hand job, how to use your hands on a vulva. I'm glad you're clarifying our dirty talk guide on like, step by step, how to actually do dirty talk, or our sex position playbook, which, like, breaks down how to do the sex positions in so much detail, like, getting in, getting out, variations. And we were like, we gotta bring this level of detail and thoroughness to the butt.

Because here's the thing, even after that episode, we asked people to tell us, like, are you intimidated by anal play? And 72% of our audience said yes. They are very intimidated by it.

So 72% of our audience should be buying this guide, is what you're saying?

Yes. And we also asked like, okay, despite that, are you curious about trying butt stuff? And 67% of people said yes.

Okay, so 67% of people should be buying this guide, I guess maybe convince the other. Was that 5%.

So there's a lot of people who are intimidated by it, but you're not letting that intimidation completely hold you back. You're still curious?

Yeah. You're butt curious.

We're butt curious. So, yeah, we figured, you know what, we've got to give even more tools and resources and support to encourage you to explore this curiosity because spoiler alert, we think that it's really worth it.

All right, so let's bring it back here. Why the hell are we actually re recording this episode? Well, when we originally recorded this episode, there were so many follow up questions and especially with like, really nitty gritty details or like, oh, my God, I'm worried that this will happen or how do we do this part of it. And so we decided, you know, it's really important to us when we release a product that we are still giving as much free content as possible. So we decided that to celebrate this but stuff guide and also make sure that we are, you know, addressing all of your burning questions.

We've got stuff like hemorrhoids, hairy buttholes. Is anal sex actually safe?

Yeah. So we decided that it would be way better to just rerecord this episode, give you kind of the latest and greatest spin on butt stuff. Now that, you know, we've just spent the time creating this whole guide. I think it's just going to be bigger and better and more.

Who doesn't love a bigger butt?

Yeah, who doesn't love a bigger butt? So let's get into it.

Well, okay, since you're introing the episode, maybe we should swap and I should do the review of the Week.

I just thought I was like, yeah, hell yeah. Come on, give us a review of the week, Zendaya.

We've got the review of the week. It is titled Love, Love, Love. All caps. I found this podcast a little over six months ago and have absolutely fallen in love. Coming from a sex is taboo background, this podcast has answered so many questions. Xander and Vanessa are what true love and friendship sound like.

Oh, the sound of love and friendship.

I eagerly await for each new episode. Can't get enough.

Wow.

Thank you for this delightful review.

Yeah, thank you. And I guess I'm a little disappointed that this one wasn't more complicated now that, you know, since this is Vanessa's first foray into the review, you didn't.

Have to read any emojis, you didn't.

Have to do any emojis or. Yeah, thank you to this person for making it really easy on Vanessa. We had no idea Vanessa was going to be reading this until. Until right now. But no, seriously, thank you so much for leaving this review. Reviews are one of the best ways for our podcast to grow, and so we want to reward you for leaving us reviews. So here's what we do. We do a little review of the week giveaway. So if your review is read aloud on the podcast, you are the winner. So congratulations. And that means you hit us up in a DM on Instagram to say, hey, that was my review. We will give you a little mini coaching session over Instagram. So just send us your question and we will respond with a detailed response or voice memo or whatever makes the most sense for your situation.

And there have been some surprises.

Yeah, there's been some surprises given away.

Some surprising.

Yeah, we. Yeah, we. We're pretty generous, I would like to say. Yeah, just a small way for us to thank you for thanking us. So thank. Thanks all around. We're all about gratitude here.

Wow, you did a great job. You've heard me give that spiel so many times. 67 times, to be specific. Yeah, good job. All right, well, let's get into the but. So, first of all, we asked our audience on Instagram, have you ever tried any form of anal play?

Yeah. Cause we were just a minute ago talking about sort of like, are you open to it?

Or whatever.

Now this is like, all right, brass tacks, people. Have you done it?

Okay, so 59% of people said yes, 41%. No. So pretty good amount of people have already experimented a little bit with it.

Yeah. And I think the key here is that we said any form of anal play, because A lot. We'll get into this. We'll get into this. But a lot of people hear anal. They don't even hear what comes next. Like we said, anal play. They just hear anal. And they think I'm just, like, mumbling, like. Like, anal, whatever. And they go, anal sex.

Spoiler alert.

Like, full on. Full on Intercourse. Full on intercourse in my anus. And that's not.

That should be the name of the guy.

Full on intercourse in my anus. Do you think. Do you think it's too late to ask the team to rebrand? I think they might want to kill me. But would you guys be more likely to buy a guy called full on intercourse in my anus? Or butt stuff?

I'm dead. We've been having these conversations on Instagram. We've recently realized that we're terrible at naming all of our guides and products. Nobody likes the names or understands the names. Like, with our ultimate foreplay guides, we realize, like, nobody realizes that it's covers a blowjob.

Yeah, people. Yeah, we. Yeah, it's kind of sad. We. We did a story on Instagram the other day, and we were like, hey, we're kind of realizing that we're not always the best at naming our stuff. And, like, our four. You know, what do you think of the name for the foreplay guides? You know, it includes how to give a blowjob and how to do this, how to do that, and people were like, oh, my God, the foreplay guide is the blowjob guide. Like, I thought you weren't selling the blow job guide. Like, I gotta buy it. We're like, oh, my God, what are we thinking?

So, yeah, maybe butt stuff is a terrible name. Maybe it should be Full on Intercourse.

But you know what would be even more us Would be, like, it would be like, if we did. Okay, so the course is called Full on Intercourse in my Anus, but we will abbreviate it because, you know, that's too long. So it'll be F. Well, shoot. Is F. Is it? Oh, and it's dash. Do you do, like, the second, like, full.

No, it's gotta be F, O. I, M, A. Yeah.

This is an inside peek into what goes on at DM Therapy headquarters. If you go into the name of.

The business anymore, I know.

Into Vanessa and Xander, Sex and relationships. If you. If you, like, go into the system where all of our, like, product carts are, there's a lot of really long names and then abbreviations, and it is a. It's a mouthful and a handful inside.

The we should have mentioned in our business episode from two weeks ago, we.

Suck at naming things. We like really long acronyms.

Oh, my God. But fortunately, we have a great audience that helps us fix it.

Unfortunately, this time it's just called butt.

Stuff and it does not cover just intercourse. Again, we will get to that in a minute. But just to be clear, it's not just an intercourse guide, but just to.

Be clear, it does also cover full on intercourse in Uranus.

It includes that, but it's not limited to that. There we go. Okay, so let's take a step back and let's talk a little bit about why you should try any form of anal play. Because I think there are a lot of people out there who just immediately are like, nothing's going back there. Leave it alone, I'm not interested.

Yeah, I think a lot of people go, nothing's going in there. And the reality is that nothing even needs to go in there in order to enjoy anal play.

Another little spoiler alert there. Okay, so to be clear, we are not going to force you to do anal. Like, there is no anal police here doing enforcement, making sure everybody's doing it.

Unless you want the anal police to come to your door. Because that could be a sexy fantasy.

That might be if you're into that. Anal police and the milkman, if you're into that, that's great. But we are not trying to pressure you or tell you you have to. We're just here to present the information, make the decision that feels the best for your sex life. But there are some compelling reasons that we want to share. So the first thing is like, let's just acknowledge there still is like a taboo element around all things anal. And that taboo can actually be really exciting when you decide to try it. Like, it feels kind of naughty. It gives it a little bit of an extra thrill to be like, ooh, I'm not supposed to be doing this.

Yeah, I mean, it's kind of like early on when you start experimenting with sex, say, I don't know, like if you start experimenting with any type of sex stuff, like in your teenage years, there's definitely that initial kind of taboo, like, ooh, we have to be sneaking around or whatever. And you know, I think you lose that pretty quickly once you really become like a full blown adult. Especially when you, you know, if you got into a serious partnership or whatever.

Full on adult, you mean?

Yeah, you start having full on sex with your full on adult partner and, you know, sex kind of loses that taboo. Like, oh, we shouldn't be just intercourse. But we got something else for you that is a little taboo. And that's the butt.

Okay. It's also something new to explore with your partner. So if you're feeling like a little bit bored of your usual routine, anal is definitely gonna shake things up. And you know, we talk a lot about how trying new things in and outside of the bedroom, it really builds emotional intimacy. And even if this ends up being something that you literally just do once, it could still be a really interesting and fun bonding experience for the two of you.

Yeah. Or at least it could just be something that you reminisce about or even laugh about, like, oh, remember the time we tried that? Wasn't that fun or funny? Like what? Whichever it ends up being. And the other part of that too is with any kind of anal play, it typically requires a little bit more preparation and communication. It's not just something where it's like in the middle of it, it's like, oh, all of a sudden we just started having full on anal intercourse in Uranus. You know, it requ. A little preparation. And that preparation, that communication can create a bit of anticipation, which can actually be really fun and exciting, especially compared to the typical sex that you are probably usually having. So bottom line, it can be fun to have something that you need to talk about a little bit or prepare for and then therefore think about and get excited about.

Okay, here's another thing. It has the potential to be a first time experience for one or both of you. So if you met your partner like a little bit later in your life, maybe you already had a number of other sexual partners or experiences. Like, this was definitely the case for us. Like when we tried anal, that was our first experience and it was like the only first that I think we shared with each other sexually.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And even if you each have tried some form of anal play before, if you haven't tried it with each other, it's like a first to do together. And like, you know, the fun thing is like, how many of those do you have left at this point? So it's, you know, it's just another fun first. Even if it is not your first time trying it together, it could be your first time trying it with the proper tools and resources to really set yourself up for success.

Also, our first time exploring anal play is in our upcoming book Sex Talks, which is now available for pre order.

We have different recollections of a pretty funny story. It's a pretty funny story.

Okay. But finally, the most important reason to come consider, butt stuff is also the simplest one. It feels good. Like there. It's just an objective reality that there are nerve endings in and around your anus that feel good, that register sensation. And this is for people of all genders. So it feels good. It has the ability to enhance orgasms if you're pairing it with other kinds of stimulation. That's something that we get into in butt stuff. And actually, some people can even have orgasms from anal play alone. So reality is it just feels good. Okay, so let's talk about some of the biggest barriers that get in people's way when it comes to wanting to explore or experiment with anal play. So a big one that comes up is safety. So we're just going to run you through a couple of quick facts. You can transmit sexually transmitted infections through anal contact, and actually, transmission rates can be a bit higher. Since anal tissues are more sensitive, they're more susceptible to, like, little micro tears, which can help infections pass mass easier. So you definitely want to make sure that you're using a condom for any sort of anal play, unless you are already fluid bonded with your partner. But there is some good news here. When it comes to safety, pregnancy is clearly not a concern. So you don't have to worry about that aspect of it. But again, all normal rules of keeping yourself protected do apply. All right, so let's talk about the. I think I would say this is one of the two biggest blockages. This and the next one that we're going to talk about hygiene. So we've got the classic question, aren't I gonna get poop on his fingers or on his dick? Right. I'm very afraid of the poop.

I feel like the very first question, the very most common question we got is, is it sanitary? And I. I hate that word. I hate when people use that word. Like, sorry, people, life is not sanitary.

Like, sex is not really.

Sex isn't sanitary and life isn't sanitary.

Yeah. So, okay, we're just gonna give it to you totally straight here. We want to be honest with you guys, all the information you need to make a decision. So when you have some sort of penetrative anal play, whether that's with fingers, a toy, a penis, whatever it is, you do have the possibility that that object is going to come in contact with traces of fecal matter. But the key here is traces. So super quick little anatomy lesson. The anus is just the outside of your butt. The rectum is the inside, and the rectum connects up to the rest of your gi. System. So the small intestine, the large intestine, all of that. I won't go super detailed with all the anatomy, but the most important thing to understand is that in the rectum where you're having this sort of penetration, poop is not just sitting there.

Yeah. I think people just assume, like, oh, there's a huge load just waiting to come out.

And like Token is it's.

And yeah, occasionally, occasionally that may be true. And I guarantee you, you are not going to want to be having any kind of anal play, nay, any type of intercourse, any type of sexual interaction. If you are literally about to poop, like prairie dogging. If you are literally about to poop, stop having sexy time, go to the bathroom and poop. Like common sense people. Once you like, after that happens, it's not just right there.

Yeah. So your poop slides through the rectum on its way out. It goes pretty quickly. It doesn't tend to leave, like, big amounts of it. But again, we just want to be honest and realistic with you guys. Like, it does slide down it. So there's the possibility that there are slight traces of it around there.

Yeah. Unfortunately, there are no, like, little men inside there, like, cleaning up the walls of your intest.

Wow.

Little guys scrubbing away.

Little rectum cleaners. So in general, like, if you have had like an upset stomach, if you've had some messy bowel movements like that, you're going to be much more likely to run into the traces of fecal matter at that point. So that's why we typically recommend, like, especially if you're a newbie or you're feeling nervous about it. Like, wait until you've either you haven't had a bowel movement in a while or you've had like, just a nice good clean one. You know, they just. Just the no wipers, they just come right out. They're great.

And the reality is, if you have just had a messy bowel movement or you do have an upset stomach, it's very unlikely that you are going to be feeling excited about having any kind of anal play. Like, typically, like, if you're feeling kind of sick and gross, you're probably not even going to want to be having sex anyway.

So in butt stuff, we really detail for you some specific and very easy steps that you can take to minimize any potential contact packed with even the slightest bit of residue. But what we really want to make clear to you today is, like, anal sex is actually a lot cleaner than you think. It's not going to be this, like, Wildly messy, gross, poop filled thing. Like, it's actually very simple.

And the reality is, like, with, like we were saying, sex isn't sanitary. Like, the reality with any kind of sex is that there are residues of things. Yeah. Like there's gonna be some urine residue on a guy's penis. Or like, if you're going down the.

Little shake shake instead of the tap with a bit of tissue paper like we talked about the other day.

I haven't been doing that recently.

You have.

I'm trying.

Oh, my gosh.

I am trying to be more sanitary.

It's because you got embarrassed because we put a poll up on Instagram asking, like, penis owners, do you do the shake shake or the tap with a little bit of tissue paper? And I. But the majority of penis owners said that they clean up with a little toilet paper. So Xander was like, shit, I gotta do this.

Yes, that is. That is true. When you just repeated that right now. You know what, what it did make me think, though, is that I bet a lot of guys are lying. Because hear me out here. Our audience on Instagram is like, 93% women. So, hey, women out there, if you have a man in your life, convince him to follow us so that, you know, we have a little bit more representation from the male.

Grab his phone and follow us.

But here's the thing, you know, like, if you just asked me out of the blue, like, hey, someone on Instagram's asking, like, do you dab your. Do you wipe your penis or not after you pee? Like, the guy's gonna be like, oh.

Yeah, yeah, of course I wipe being shamed into it.

Yeah. Like, who's gonna be like, ah, no, I just raw dog that guy back in the pants.

Rod dogged him back into the pants. Wow, you're on fire today. He's feeling himself over here. Okay, so let's move on to the second of the two major concerns that come up with butt stuff, and that is pain. So we asked our Instagram audience, like, are you afraid that anal will hurt? And 85% of people said, yes. So let's talk about pain here. So the rectum is very tight and getting penetrated there, especially with something girthy, can feel uncomfortable. And especially if you're new to anal play, you're just figuring this all out. But the bottom line is that anal should not hurt. No form of sex should ever hurt. And we do walk you through again in butt stuff, like, specific steps to make sure that it doesn't hurt. But some of the big mistakes that people Often make when they're first experimenting with it that then lead to pain, are going straight for penetration. Like o lot of people just do penis into the butthole right away. Like, that's your first experience with anal play. Or that's like, you know, in your interaction that's the first thing that you do. And like, that is a big no. No.

Yeah. Or yeah. And, and, or like you go in with like you, you basically try to replicate the way that you have, you know, vaginal sex in the anus in terms of like speed and intensity and. No, don't. Do not do that. We're gonna talk about that.

Yeah, that's the second thing that people. The second big mistake that people make is not going slow enough. You have to go so slow, especially at the beginning.

So, yeah, if you try to do it exactly like the way that you have vaginal intercourse, it will hurt, it will be a bad experience, it's gonna be horrible, and you're never gonna wanna do it again. So just don't do that. It's something new. You have to kind of like think of it as. This is a totally different thing. It's not like, oh, we just swap out the vagina for. Or swap out the anus for the vagina. No, swap the vagina for the anus. Oh, my God. I'm getting this backwards actually.

I don't know. Swap the anus for the vagina.

For the vagina. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

You know what I'm talking about, right?

Both of our brains just broke for a second. Okay. And then the third big mistake that people make is not using lube or not using enough lube. Lube is a non negotiable when it comes to butt stuff. You absolutely must use it and must use honestly, like way more than you think.

And you must continue to use it. Reapply. Yeah. Or yeah, people are like, oh, yeah, I use some lube. And then like a couple minutes later, like, I just thought it would be fine. Keep going with the lube in the butt.

Full on intercourse.

Full on lube.

Full on lube.

Don't put the lube bottle in though.

No, we'll get to that in a second.

Or anything.

Let's talk about another big question that comes up. But first we have something fun to share with you. So if you are a fan of pillow talks, you're clearly down for honest conversation that goes there. So that's why I'm really excited to share with you one of my favorite podcasts. Seriously, this is like top three for me. Has been for years. You might have seen me share it on Instagram a bunch of times. It is Liz Moody's Healthier Together. So Liz is a best selling author and longtime journalist who somehow manages to combine vetted science based wellness information with interesting chatty conversation that's actually really fun to listen to. She defines wellness as anything that helps you live your healthiest, happiest life. So we're talking topics like the secrets of longevity, how to make getting your finances under control fun and empowering. Not scary at all. That was one of my favorite episodes. Actually it was her interview with Ramit, how to overcome imposter syndrome, gut health hacks, hormone balancing tips. So much more. There's even an episode with yours truly. I would was so excited to be a guest on her podcast where I shared real talk about how to not let body shame get in the way of great sex. An excellent sex position that not enough people are trying. Communication tips for the best time ever in the bedroom and more. That episode went live last fall, so if you want to start there, just go back and find that episode. Otherwise, I recommend just starting with any topic that you're interested in. Um, or you can even start with the most recent episode. I think that she just recently had one with a dermatologist. Just debunking skincare myths. Another one of my favorite topics, I promise you. Liz somehow manages to always share actionable tips that are going to change your life today. It's never overwhelming or confusing or filled with pseudoscience like so many other wellness podcasts out there. Not to name names, but to start living your healthiest, happiest life today, just search for Healthier Together on your favorite podcast app and hit that follow button again. That's Healthier Together. I hope you love it as much as I do. I'm so excited to share it with you and let me know what you think of it after you've listened to a few episodes. Okay. Straight Men and anal Play. So we get a lot of questions about like, my boyfriend or my husband wants me to touch his butt. Does that make him gay?

Or on the flip side, a lot of guys going, oh, no, I'm straight. I don't do that.

We actually were just having a conversation with some of our friends and we were talking about this and the guy was like, you know, I think I, I'm too, like, I have too much internalized homophobia to allow myself to, to explore my butt. So I think this is a huge, huge thing that comes up for so many people. Like, are Straight men allowed to enjoy receiving anal play. So we asked our Instagram audience, like, how do you feel about straight men enjoying anal play? I was pretty proud of our responses here. One of the possibilities was no different than anyone else enjoying it. Which, spoiler alert is our answer? 57%.

Hey, that's great. There's still a lot, though. There's still a lot of people to convince of that. This.

So the next response that we gave was, rationally, I think it's okay, but to be honest, I don't really get it. So I kind of wanted to get it, like, more of that nuanced feeling of, like, I think it's okay, but there's just some, like, weird feeling that I have inside about it. That was 32%. And then I phrased this one really purposefully. I've been taught to believe that it's not permissible. That was 11%. So let's send it over to you. Xander, as a straight man, can straight men enjoy receiving anal play?

Yes, period. As a very comfortably straight man, I can and I do enjoy anal play. It's really that simple. First, I want to get into, like, where's this idea even coming from that straight men can't enjoy anal? Right. Like, I think that the idea, the logic kind of goes like this. Gay men. Men have anal sex. Gay men like anal sex. If I like anal sex or anal play or anything, like the butt, then I must be gay. Because gay men. Because gay men. Because gay men like anal. Right. I can see, like, the direction of that logic. But, like, let's think about what else do gay men like? Gay men like blowjobs, right?

I think so, yeah.

So do you like blowjobs as a straight man? I mean, gay men really like blowjobs, right? Like, they love them. Does that make you gay? If you like blowjobs. So, look, there's nothing wrong with being gay. Nothing wrong at all with being gay. And there's nothing wrong with enjoying your butt, being played with, or playing with somebody else's butt.

But, yeah, having, like, having sensation and experiencing pleasure from a certain part of your body, stimulated. That doesn't say anything about your orientation.

No, it doesn't say anything about your orientation.

And we're born with nerve endings in your butt.

Yeah.

Like, it's just an objective reality.

Your sexual orientation has to do with how do you feel inside? Who am I attracted to? Like, your sexual orientation is not dependent on what types of sexual activities do I enjoy. Like, the reality is you have nerve endings in your anus. So it's gonna feel good when somebody touches them in the right way. That doesn't make you. One way or another way.

Yeah, I mean, you could just completely tear this argument apart with basically any form of sex. Like, gay men, like hand jobs. Lesbian women love going down on each other. Lesbian women love fingering each other. Like, we. We just can't divide specific sex acts up based on orientation. And also, just to quickly throw it out there too, like, not all gay men enjoy anal. Not all. Any. Anybody. Any one group enjoys, you know, any specific thing. So let's just get rid of this outdated and stupid stereotype. Like. Like Xander was saying, absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. Or however you choose to identify. We are fully, you know, supportive of whatever the hell you choose to identify as.

Yeah. If you like something and you enjoy something, do that thing.

How are to.

Yeah, do that thing if it makes you feel good. Like, that's the important thing. Like, enjoy it wholeheartedly. Lead. Don't go off into, like, all these anxieties of, oh, well, who else likes this? Does this make me like them? Or whatever. Like, just you do you.

Yeah.

All right, so maybe you're still a little hesitant. Let's get into the more specific and detailed questions that people.

We got a lot of them.

All right, let's start with this. If I have active hemorrhoids, can I still have anal or do any kind of anal play?

Oh, yeah, this question comes up all the time. So we recommend avoiding any sort of anal if you have. Have active hemorrhoids. Because here's the thing, when you have hemorrhoids, your tissues are already inflamed. So any sort of anal play, penetration like that can cause greater irritation, pain, bleeding. There's also a higher risk of STI transmission. So I know that some people have complicated relationships with hemorrhoids. Definitely something to talk to your doctor about and check in with. But in general, if you have them, like, avoid anal play. It's just not a great time to go back there.

All right, so you actually kind of alluded to this, but people want to know, can you actually orgasm from anal?

So you can orgasm from any kind of physical contact. Like, some people can even have orgasms with zero physical contact. I mean, orgasms are pretty cool, but for the vast majority of people, it's just not really going to be possible to have orgasms from anal alone. For some people, you might be able to, and if you want to explore that, go for it. We definitely have lots of techniques in butt stuff, but just to set expectations for everybody. Like, the vast majority of people are not going to be able to. So our recommendation is pairing anal play with some sort of genital stimulation. And we give a ton of techniques in the butt stuff guide, because a lot of people will find that you can orgasm so much harder and so much easier. And so much easier and so, so much faster with a little bit of anal play added to the genital stimulation.

So it primes the pump, so to speak.

It does.

It does. Yeah. I mean, I think that, yeah, people will be surprised with, like, you just need a little bit more stimulation, and then, yeah, surprise, surprise. It's happening pretty quick.

It's happening. Okay, let me ask you this question.

Okay?

Do men care about hairy buttholes?

Holes?

We got so many versions of this question from women, so give it to us straight, Xander.

I mean, look, I think the reality is that, like, like, any other part of the body, the butthole, just.

I just realized in the second that I had a dream about this last night.

Oh, okay. Maybe you should answer this question then.

I had a dream.

I thought. I thought. I thought Vanessa was actually, like, stopping me, like, we were gonna cut this out, and I was like, oh, no, she's. She's still going. Okay.

Oh, my God. I had a dream that, like, I don't know what I was doing, but I, like, looked in a mirror and realized, like, oh, my God, my butthole is actually really hairy. Like, I always thought there were just, like, a few hairs back there. And I'm always telling people, like, oh, it's not that big of a deal. Don't worry about it. But it was, like, hairy, like, so much hair. And then I was like, whoa. I didn't realize that this much was back here. So apparently there's some little part of my subconscious that has this fear, too.

Well, I've never noticed, babe. Okay, well, I never noticed. Well, look, what I. What I was gonna. What I was gonna say is that, you know, like, pretty much every other part of the body, like, the butthole has, like, some amount of hair or, like, some amount of hair can grow there, you know, I don't think, like, nobody has, like, a ponytail.

It was like, a ponytail in my dream. I was like, holy crap. How is that? I never noticed there's so much back here.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I don't think I've ever, like, noticed butthole hair. So. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. Like, I'm saying, I don't think that most people don't have Hair, like, overflowing.

I mean, it varies from person to person, but I think overall we can say that there's. There's pretty little hair back there.

Yeah, there's pretty little hair. Yeah. So the reality is that your partner may or may not care about out the hair on your butthole. Like, they might not even notice. Like, like me, I. I didn't notice. Well, we pulled our audience on Instagram and the majority of people said that they do not care in this light.

Like, the vast majority. I can't remember the number, but it was like 97 or something like that.

Yeah. If you feel really nervous about it, you can always ask your partner if they have a preference. But ultimately it's your body and it's your choice as to what you do with your hair. Like whether you get it waxed or not or whatever. Whatever.

Okay, I want to ask you the next question a lot of women asked us. Like, I'm afraid that vaginal sex won't feel like enough for my husband after we try anal. So there was this sense that, like, oh, he's going to like anal intercourse. Like, he's going to like it so much better that he's never going to want to have vaginal sex with me ever again.

All right, so the reality here is that vaginal and anal intercourse are totally different experiences. And of course, everyone is going to have their own preferences in the bedroom. But we've never heard of someone trying anal sex and suddenly hating vaginal intercourse. Vaginal intercourse is great. It's different. It's not like a one or the other type thing.

Let me phrase it to you this way, because I think this is what's lurking behind this question is, you know, as women, as vulva owners, we're taught to be really self conscious about how tight we are.

Oh, yes.

And so it's this feeling of like, you know, and I think we hear a lot about this from women after they've had kids of like, I feel like I'm loose down there. And, like, isn't the rectum gonna be so much tighter? And then. Then he'll just think my vagina is, like, loose and terrible and he can't feel anything.

Well, I mean, in my experience with this, yes, the anus is very tight, but it's super tight. And you can't have intercourse in the same way. Like, you need to go really slow. Like, you often, like, can't really even put it all the way in. And so it's a very different experience. And yeah, it's tighter, but in my experience, that was also like. Like the drawback as well, because it was like, oh, I can't. Like, I can't stimulate myself as much because I'm going much slower.

So it didn't leave you with the feeling of like, ooh, now the vagina is just so loose, and I can't feel anything.

No, no, not at all. I mean. And another difference is the vagina feels a lot warmer. And yeah, it. You know, it feels warmer. It feels different. Like, it's. It's very. It's very enjoyable. It is cozier. It is much cozier. So, you know, like, if I'm comparing side by side, it's like, it's not quite as tight, but it has a lot of other really nice thing going for it. That's.

That's another sweatshirt idea. Like, the vagina has a lot of really nice things going for it.

Warm and cozy. All faithful. Warm and cozy.

That would be a great sweatshirt. Is like. Is just like, it has a lot of nice things going for it. You don't say what it is, but that would be, like a way for pillow talks listeners to be able to be like, I know what you're talking about. I see your sweatshirt. I get it.

All right, put that down on the merch ideas list. My endless merch getting pretty long now.

I know.

All right, back to you, Vanessa. Is anal sex safe? All right.

Another common question that we get. So I think the first thing that we need to talk about here is that there are people who have some pretty rough and vigorous. Vigorous anal sex. There are lots of things that you can do that can be pretty intense with the butt. And we are a no shame zone. Whatever it is that people want to do with their own bodies, we are totally cool with. And it's also important to acknowledge that if you do really intense activity in a part of your body that is pretty sensitive, you can have some impacts from it.

Yeah, I mean, if you do any kind of intense activity, like, if you do really intense workouts, there are some safety things to keep in mind. Mind.

So all forms of sex come with some amount of risk and different kinds of risk, and it's up to each of us individually to figure out which activities we feel comfortable taking that risk with. So, again, like, we're just really trying to give it to you straight here. So that's why I wanted to start off with that. But I will say, you know, especially the techniques that we share in butt stuff, we're really trying to make this feel like a safe, pleasurable Non intimidating experience. So you're not going to cause any sort of damage from doing these kinds of techniques.

So yeah, the way that we suggest you do it is about the safest way that you possibly can.

So the guide's really emphasizing safety.

Yeah, like one more reason to follow our advice and not just like, I'm gonna watch a video online and have at it. Like, please don't, please don't do that.

So the vast majority of medical providers and researchers completely agree that anal sex is safe too. So that's just another thing to throw out there.

All right, now what about this one? I tried it in the past during a wild drunken night with my partner. I think a lot of people can relate with this. You get up the courage. Oh, that courage is here and now. Hey, let's try it. But it was painful. Should I actually try it again? I'm very hesitant after that bad experience.

Okay, so this is exactly why preparation is so important. You have to know what you're doing. You have to follow the steps that we lay out for you in butt stuff. Otherwise you really do risk the potential for pain and for having this negative experience that makes you say, like, I don't ever want to do this again. So it might not be that full anal. Full on anal intercourse in your anus. Full on intercourse in your anus might not be.

I like the repeat of anal. That's good.

Full on intercourse in my anus might not be the thing for you, but there are also plenty of ways to stimulate the anus externally versus the rectum internally. You were actually, your whole line was technically incorrect.

Oh, no.

It passes through the anus into the rectum.

Oh, man. Are we gonna have to re record the whole episode now?

Full on intercourse passing through my anus into my rectum.

Yeah, full on intercourse from the anus to the rectum.

So yeah, you, you can do external stimulation if it just feels like, you know, penetration isn't the thing for me. But if you, your one and only experience with penetration was when you were drunk or unprepared, then I think it's worth another try. But that's your decision to make.

Yeah. And I mean, I would also highly recommend that you try it when you are sober because when you are inebriated on anything, like sometimes, you know, our, we're not working with our full faculties. Our judgment isn't always the best. Sometimes, you know, we think we're going really slow and we're not or we forget and skip a couple important steps. So yeah, it generally, you know, we hear from a lot of people that have a negative experience because, you know, they were a bit inebriated.

Yeah.

And yeah, we recommend man do it sober, follow the steps and enjoy.

Because yeah, we did one more poll on Instagram and we asked of the people who had tried any form of anal play, did you feel prepared for it? Did you feel like you knew what you were doing, you had the tools and resources and 65% of people said that they felt unprepared. So I am guessing that a lot of people have had negative first time experiences just like this. Question, Question.

And that's really why we recorded this podcast and especially why we created our Butt Stuff guide. Because we want you to feel prepared, we want you to feel excited, we want you to have that anticipation. So in the guide.

And a good experience.

Yeah, yeah, oh, of course. And a really pleasurable experience. Like, so what we do in the guide is we give you like a really full step by step breakdown of the ins and outs and the behinds of butt stuff, the around the corners and the behind the scenes, you know, so that's like all of our best tips, our best techniques, positions for every body type, every experience level.

And just detail.

Yeah, just so much detail. So many options. Like we were, we've been saying, you know, before that there's so much more to anal play than just full on intercourse in your anus. I'm just going to keep saying it even though now I know it's in.

My anus, even though it's incorrect now.

So yeah, I mean the guide has got you covered whether you want to be using toys, fingers, a penis, whether you're just beginning or like you're looking for more advanced tips as your exploration grows.

Oh, we've got a lot of advanced tips.

Our guide grows with you. And not only that, but it is really tastefully illustrated. The keyword here is illustrated. Not like photographs or pictures, but illustrations. They're very tasteful. We're really proud of them. Those illustrations really help, like, help walk you through every last detail so that you know what to do, you can see what to do. So, you know, you feel like you are totally prepared from that initial preparation all the way through to the aftercare after the deed is done. And like all of our guides, you get lifetime access to it. You can peek at it anytime you want to explore any of your old favorite tips and ideas. You want to try something new or you want to get a quick refresher.

You want it to grow with you?

Yeah, let us grow with you. I like that line.

Let us grow with you.

Yeah. Oh, let us grow larger with you. Okay, maybe too far.

Yeah, that's a little too far.

We'll just grow with you.

We'll grow with you. We also very frequently get asked, how do I talk to my partner about trying it? Like, I really want to, but my partner seems a bit more hesitant. So we also have a free guide that we are going to give to you. So regardless of if you want to sign up for butt stuff or not, we have a free guide that we will link in the show notes that will walk you through how to talk about exploring butt stuff with your partner. Like, how to bring it up, how to share your curiosity in a way that still feels open and supportive to your partner. And we have tons of specific examples of exactly what to say in the guide. So we will link to that in the show notes. Because here's the thing, at the end of the day, actually, this is our final poll. I misspoke. Earlier, we asked people on Instagram, like, are you glad that you tried butt stuff? And 70% of people said that they are. The majority of them said that they really enjoyed it. And the others were people who had felt unprepared before and didn't wind up having the greatest experience. So, you know, I think it's just. It's really something that's worth exploring again. Even if it's just the one and only time you do it, it's definitely worth taking a little trip back door seeing what the experience is like for you. So we hope we've left you with the curiosity and the excitement to go explore backdoor.

All right, well, that's all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about. About what men really think about. That's a blank. It is part two of our. Of our. Of our last. The first time we did what Do Men Really Think About Blank. And that was so popular, we decided that we would do a part two. We have so many more questions. We're going to be collecting more questions from you. And yeah, we're really excited about it. It's all also known as the episode where Xander speaks for Xander shines. Xander speaks for all men.