Episode 85: Make 2023 The Year You Finally Feel Sexy

Honest question for you though. Do you find me sexy in glasses or do you find me sexier without glasses? I'll do a demo for you right now.

I find you pretty sexy. Like with eyeglasses and nothing else.

Really? I don't know when I do that.

No, you could do it more. I mean.

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.

And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Thanks to Green Chef for sponsoring Pillow Talks. Green Chef is the number one meal kit for eating well with dinners that work for you, not the other way around. Go to greenchef.com pillow60 and use the code PILLOW60 to get 60% off plus free shipping. And thanks to Dipsea for supporting Pillow Talks. Dipsea is an audio app full of short sexy stories. If you're looking to light a spark or heat things up, there is a story waiting for you. You can get an extended 30 day free trial when you go to dipseastories.compillow to kick off today's episode, I have another. Choose your own adventure for you, Xander. Okay, so the theme of this episode is all about being sexy, feeling sexy. So you can sing one of two songs.

Okay.

Do you think I'm sexy by Rod Stewart? Or is it if you think I'm sexy.

If you don't even know what the title of the song is?

Sexy song by Rod Stewart.

Okay.

Or Right said Fred. I'm too sexy.

How about a third option? I'm sexy. Yeah. Know it. I don't even. I don't even know how the rest of it goes.

No, I don't like that song. So you can't sing it.

Is that like LMFAO or something?

Something like that. That's a throwback.

I'm sexy and I know it.

No, that's not a choice. That's not an adventure that you can choose. So. Rod Stewart. If you think I'm sexy.

If you think I'm sexy. I don't know any of the other words.

We really have to work on your lyrics. Yeah, I need to learn some more lyrics.

Who needs them?

I think it's. And you want My body and you want my body Come on, baby, let me know Come on, baby, let me know.

This one is in my register.

That's not your register.

You think I'm sexy? That's so high.

Why are you singing so high?

Want me to go? If you think I'm sexy. That sounds silly.

I want Big Al to come back and sing it.

No, Big Al's gone. Big Al felt really rejected and he left. He gone too late.

Dang. Do you even know the Right Said Fred song?

What is it called?

I think it's just called I'm Too Sexy.

Too sexy for my shirt. Too sexy for my shirt. Too sexy I don't know how.

So sexy it hurts.

So sexy it hurts, it hurts. I don't. I don't want to be so sexy it hurts. Pain does not seem like something that needs to be associated with sexiness.

Well, who knows? Maybe that's what we're going to explore today.

Maybe I've been doing it wrong my whole life, and this podcast is actually for me. You got to do it till it hurts.

Guys, this actually is a great segue because we are talking today about being sexy, feeling sexy. You know, I think most of us want to feel sexy, but just like we're kind of saying right now, like, what does that even mean?

Yeah, what are the lyrics to the sexy song? Who knows?

So we turned to trusty old Google. I was just curious. So I googled how to be sexy.

Oh, I'm curious what ads you're gonna start getting now.

My Google search history is so chaotic that Google just cannot figure me out. But one thing I noticed right away is that all of the articles were for women. There was nothing for men about how to be sexy. It was all for women. And it was all like the usual bs. There was like, wear heels, wear lingerie, wear red lipstick, get your hair blown out, light candles. So it just like, it felt very, I don't know, something I'd read in Cosmo when I was like 13 years old.

Very twee.

Yeah.

It just like, written for 13 year old girls.

Yeah. There were also a number of very strange articles from very strange websites that had some, like, unique ways to be sexy. One was to invest in chic eyeglasses. Oh, well, you, apparently I am.

You got this one in spades, babe.

Maybe this is why so sexy.

This is why Vanessa is so sexy. I'm too sexy for my chicaglasses.

I have a lot of chic eyeglasses. So I guess I must be very sexy.

You do. You do that chic eyeglasses company will not sponsor our podcast, though, sadly.

Wait, Honest question for you, though. Do you find me sexy in glasses, or do you find. Find me sexier without glasses? I'll do a demo for you right now.

I find you pretty sexy. Like, with eyeglasses and nothing else.

Really? I don't know when I do that.

Well, you could do it more. I mean, here.

Should I take my clothes off to record the rest of this fun?

Sorry. So, I mean, the reality.

Why am I in just eyeglasses?

Well, here's the thing. Here's the thing. I think you're pretty sexy when you're naked, and I don't care whether your glasses are hot or not.

I'm pretty sure when I'm naked, I am never wearing my glasses. Like, there's no reason for me to be wearing my glasses when I'm naked.

Maybe you could try. We could do a little, like, naughty school teacher thing.

Naked, just wearing glasses, though? Yeah, okay. Sure, sure. Okay. Here were some other answers. Stop plucking your eyebrows.

Okay, so not something to do, but something not to do to stop doing.

I mean, I haven't plucked my eyebrows in a long time because, like, bushier eyebrows are back in style. So I guess I'm sexy in that way, too.

I feel like that one's not going to age very well, though, because that's just, like, a trend that goes in style and then goes out of style.

Okay, here's a great one. Travel in a pack.

Oh, yeah. Wolf pack, baby. Oh.

Oh. This was an article for women, though. Like, it showed, like, a picture of, like, three women traveling in a pack.

Your powers combined increases your sexy quotient.

Do you think women are sexier in a group? Well, have you ever noticed that?

I don't want to spoil, like, what we're going to talk about for the rest of this podcast, but maybe after we talk a bit more about sexiness, we should come back to some of these.

Okay.

Because I have a hypothesis for why this could be a reasonable suggestion. But I don't want to. I don't want to give away anything.

Okay. And here's my final favorite one. Expose your wrists. So I'm gonna do it. I'm rolling up the sleeves of my sweatshirt right now. Look at these wrists, baby.

Oh, my God.

Turned on. I've got my glasses on. I've got my wrists out.

Oh, yeah.

My dogs can be my wolf pack back here. Am I sexy? And, like, am I sexy?

Oh, hell yeah. Yeah.

I haven't plucked my eyebrows Is it.

Doing it for you? You're doing it all right, babe. You're doing it all right.

Look at these wrists.

The expose your wrists. Like, how often are you wearing articles of clothing that completely cover your wrists? Like if your wrists winter. Yeah, I mean, I guess so. But like, also, I mean, even when I wear a long sleeve shirt, like, you can still see my wrists most of the time.

That's why you're so sexy.

I guess so. I guess so. And that's why it hurts.

Perhaps.

But, yeah, I mean, I feel like the majority of clothes, especially the majority of women's clothes, already expose your wrists. If you are always, always covered up 100% the time, maybe rethink your wardrobe. Or maybe you just live in a really cold climate.

Hard to be sexy in the cold, I guess. I don't know.

Who knows? We'll talk about that.

We also went over to Instagram because we wanted to get a sense from our audience about, you know, do they feel sexy or not? So we put up a very simple poll and we asked, do you think you're sexy? And we gave four responses. Absolutely, for the most part, I feel sexy every once in a while and no way.

Why wasn't I'm so sexy it hurts an option?

I really didn't think of that and now I highly regret it.

You really, really missed an opportunity.

Okay, so absolutely was our least popular response. Only 6% of people see, if you.

Had said, I'm so sexy it hurts, maybe we could have gotten like 10.

Okay. The two lowest answers were tied at 19%. And that was for the most part. So 19% of people think for the most part they're sexy. 19% were, no way. So absolutely not. And then the most common response at 56% was, I feel sexy every once in a while. So most people, it's like, yeah, every once in a while. But, like, it's not a. It's not a regular or a frequent thing.

So they know what it feels like every now and then they feel it, but perhaps they might like to feel it a little more often.

Yeah, perhaps. What would you have responded to this poll?

I'd probably say this is an interesting question.

I'm struggling with my answer, too.

It's an interesting question. I, like, I don't really ever feel sexy with people that aren't you. So, like, outside of just us alone at home, I mean, I guess I don't really think of myself as particularly, like, traditionally sexy.

But what does traditionally sexy mean to you?

Well, I mean, I couldn't get into all this, I guess, but, you know, like, you know, I don't. I'm not, like, big and buff.

Interesting.

I don't know. But I mean, yeah, I mean, obviously I'm. I'm sexy enough to talk about sex with you all the time, to have sex with you all the time, to really enjoy it. I mean, I. I feel like I. I would probably say for the most.

Part, you'd say for them.

Yeah. I feel. I feel pretty good about myself. I feel good about my. My sexiness. I'm not, you know, I'm not maybe, like, male model sexiness. I'm trying to think of who's a really sexy dude.

Yeah, tell me who's a sexy dude.

I don't know, like, Channing Tatum.

Isn't it interesting?

No. No. Okay. I don't. I can't even think of what Channing Tatum looks like.

I'm just Magic Mike.

Yeah, okay. I'm just. Okay. Appropriate. Maybe I'm just trying to think of, like, oh, right, like Ryan Reynolds, who are guys that, like, are, like, win the, like, sexiest man alive or whatever.

Both of them have, you know, like.

Ben Affleck or whatever.

These are interesting examples.

I'm trying to. I'm struggling. I'm struggling with this. I don't know. I mean, I guess. Yeah, I do have this idea of, like, sexiness as the media portrays it, and I don't necessarily see myself that way. Then again, for me, I used to be like, oh, that's so not me. That, like, I didn't want to do a lot of the things that would, like, make me feel good about myself, and I really didn't feel sexy. And now. Now I am. I feel a lot better about myself. I do do a lot of things that make me feel good and strong.

Okay.

And I feel more sexy. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm struggling with this a little bit as well. Like, I think if the question. To me, they're, like, actually kind of two different questions. If the question is, do I think I'm sexy? Yes, I do think I'm sexy. Like, I would probably lean a little more into the. Absolutely. Absolutely. Feels a little bit strong. There is some part of me that's like. I don't know if I'm, like, absolutely, absolutely sexy or, like, actually, there's even a part of me that's like, I'm conscious right now in this moment of, ooh, what are people gonna think listening to this? Are they gonna be like, ooh, she thinks she's absolutely sexy. Like, how dare she what's she seeing in the mirror? Like, yeah, how dare she? Kind of thing. And I think that is something that comes up a lot for women, that if we have a lot of confidence, if we feel really good about ourselves, it's. It's very often misread as, like, arrogance or conceit.

Like, she's too much.

Yeah, she. She thinks too much. She's full of herself. So I think a lot of us women. I honestly didn't even think about that until I started speaking it out loud. But I think a lot of us women are subconsciously trying to make ourselves smaller in a lot of different ways. Like, I'm like, oh, I can't be, like, too confident about that. People are gonna want to, like, chop me down a little bit if I'm too confident. So. Okay, so that's one question. Like, am I just inherently sexy? But then there's another question for me, which is, like, how often do I feel sexy? And I think that I feel like that's a lesser response for me. Like, I would say for the most part, or maybe even, like, no, I wouldn't go down to every once in a while, I guess for the most part. But it's like, if I try to think about how many times do I actively feel sexy? It's not like I'm walking throughout the day. Like, every step is, like, sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy. So.

But that's not the vibe you're going for constantly.

Yes, it is. Oh, no, I'm just kidding. No, I mean, I'm not. There are so many times throughout the day where I'm not consciously going for any sort of vibe. I'm just kind of, like, existing in that moment. But, yeah, I mean, I don't. If I. It'd be interesting to try to track an average day and think, how much of that day do I actually feel sexy?

I'm imagining something like, you know, like, during presidential debates, they have the audience that has the little, like, plus and minus buttons, and they have, like, the live. The live tracker of, like. Oh, like. Oh, yeah, we're really agreeing with this. We're really disagreeing with this. Like, really sexy. Really not sexy. Like, Vanessa takes her clothes off, puts her glasses on. Boing. Oh, my God. We are 100% sexy.

Wow. I don't think those presidential debates are really quite that exciting, but sure, I want to. I want to see your second.

I mean, you got. You got to applaud the effort and, like, how. How can we make this presidential debate really exciting? Oh, we'll give like 100 people. These two buttons that they. There's no middle button. There's just. They're just plus and minus and just mash that shit so that, you know, the other, like, 100 million of us can be entertained.

Oh, my God. Okay, so today we are going to break down the mystery of being sexy and how you can be your sexiest self in the new year.

But before you get too sexy.

Oh, look at you go.

Before you get too sexy. We are going to feel sexy by listening to this review that presumably tells us how sexy we are or something.

Okay, we'll.

We'll see. Pillow talks for the win. Okay, I'm feeling good. Feeling good about myself here. I have tears in my eyes as I write this review. Oh, no, not another one of these.

This is for sure the second time that we've had, like, a really emotional review, but we go into it with totally the wrong vibe.

Yeah, we're like, we're gassing ourselves up, we're getting hyped, and then it's okay.

So let's reset the vibe. Okay, Deep breath. Vibe check. Reset it. Okay. Tears in our eyes.

All right. Pillow talks for the win. I have tears in my eyes as I write this review. My husband and I have been married for five years, together for 15. A history of sometimes painful sex and a three year infertility journey left physical intimacy not just at the bottom of my list, but the emptiness I felt made me want to avoid it at all costs. We welcomed our son into. Into the world six months ago, and it's been a rollercoaster learning how to transition from just the two of us to parents. We've both been putting a lot of effort to open back up our communication and physical intimacy. I can safely say without this podcast, we wouldn't be where we are. Because of this podcast, I've learned so much about myself and how the impact our culture and lack of discussion around sex shapes the way we exist in it. Our marriage is stronger than ever, and I'm finally getting back to enjoying sex with my husband again. This podcast was the second best thing we were given this year. And then they left the baby emoji. Heart Party face. Heart. Heart. Face. Yeah. So, yeah, in case you're not sure what that means, they had a baby this year. That is. That is definitely the best thing going for them. We do not report. We. We would not expect to be number one. I would be worried if we were, but I will. I will take second best. Thank you, Vanessa and Xander, for the work you do.

Oh, that's really, really sweet. I'm sorry we had the wrong vibe going into this one because this is a really beaut review. So thank you so much for taking the time to leave this review. It really, truly, truly means the world to us and it also helps this podcast grow so, so much. So we really appreciate it. We would love for you to leave a review. If we've ever taught you something, made you laugh, made you smile, made you cry, made you feel sexy, we'd be so grateful if you could take a moment to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. So what you have to do is you go to the main Pillow Talks page, scroll all the way to the bottom. Apple makes it, like, kind of weir, really hard to find them, so you just have to scroll all the way down there and you'll find the place to leave the review. Once you leave a review, and it does not have to be anywhere near as long as this one, but once you leave that review, you will be entered into our weekly giveaway every week going forward. So if you hear your review read on the podcast, you can reach out to us@infomtherapy.com, let us know the username that you used to leave this review, and you get to pick one of four masterclasses that you will get for, for free. So that's our little way of saying thank you. You get one of our super popular masterclasses, you get to choose which one you're most excited about, and you will get it absolutely for free as our thank you. Okay, so let's get into it. Let's start exploring a little bit more about what sexy actually means. So we turned over to Instagram and we put up a couple of different question boxes. So in the first one, we asked, when do you feel sexy? Or what makes you feel sexy? And we asked people to really get specific with us because again, this is one of concepts that it just seems so big and like, how do we break it down? What does sexy mean? What feels sexy? When do we feel sexy? So we really wanted people to try to get specific with us. So we asked people to answer that about themselves. And then we also asked them to answer, like, when do you find other people sexy? So let's go over first the when do you feel sexy? So there are a couple of common themes that came up in these responses. Do you want to kick us off with the first one?

Yeah. Clothing. So, like, when I'm dressed up for a special occasion, when my clothes fit, when I'm wearing lingerie.

Okay, so the sexiness was all about like, I'm wearing some sort of sexy outfit. My clothes feel good. They're making me feel good.

Yeah. So like, yeah, my clothes are how I look in my clothes.

Okay. The second major theme that came up is like, when I get feedback from my partner about my physical appearance. So it was like when I get compliments from my partner, when my partner touches me sensually. Actually, a number of people said something along the lines of, like, when my partner accepts my body. And this came up particularly around women who are postpartum or, you know, just had given birth at some point. We'll come back to this one because that one was a very interesting.

Yeah, this seems like a big one.

Accepting my body.

All right. And then we had some stuff in the hygiene category. So, like when I'm freshly showered and clean, when I've shaved my legs, done my hair and my makeup.

Okay. So those were the three main themes for when I feel sexy. When people in our audience do clothing, feedback from the partner, and hygiene. Now it's really interesting to compare this to the responses for when do you find other people sexy? So most people responded like, kind of about their partner. But here were the common themes that came up there. By far and away, the number one was confidence.

Uh huh, uh huh.

And a lot of people said specifically, like, not cocky confidence, not somebody who thinks they're absolutely sexy every single day.

Not okay, so not someone that's so sexy it hurts.

Not so sexy it hurts. Not cocky, but a quiet confidence. So by far and away, confidence was the most common response.

And then the other two were humor and kindness. So, yeah, I mean, I think, you know, like some of these are kind of rolled in with confidence, like humor, definitely. I'm like, I think like, if you are, if you lead with humor, like, you obviously have some amount of confidence, like, I'm coming in with humor.

I mean, humor can be a defense mechanism.

Yeah, humor can be a defense mechanism. So I'm guessing it's. It's not like, like cynical humor, probably, but okay, yeah. And kindness. I mean, yeah, I think that's also like someone who actually wants to talk to you, wants to know about you, wants to help other people.

Well, here's what I thought was really interesting is like, when we're thinking about our own sexiness, most of us referenced physical attributes, what we look like or what other people are telling us we look like. But when thinking about other people's sexiness, we referenced energy and emotion. Of course, there were some people who were like, oh, when someone has a hot body, then they're sexy. But, like, by far and away, the responses that were most common were like, confidence and kindness and humor.

Yeah, I mean, it is really interesting that, you know, no one is saying, like, oh, I think it's really sexy when someone is wearing clothes that fit, or like. Or like, oh, I love it when they step out of the shower dripping wet.

I mean, that's kind of sexy.

Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah. There's a different way that we are looking at and judging ourselves versus looking at and judging other people. So we really wanted to bring that into our specific tips for, like, how to actually be sexy. So we have two major parts of how to be sexy. And the first part where we encourage everyone to start is rethinking sexy. So first, I would encourage you to examine if you're somebody who responded like, absolutely not, I'm not sexy, or I only feel sexy every once in a while. I would take a moment to kind of re examine. Why don't you feel sexy? What gets in the way? What blocks you from feeling sexy? Because I think the thing with this is that it's really easy for us to feel like this is an individual problem. Like, you're hearing me talk right now and you're thinking like, well, I'm just not sexy. Kind of similar to what Xander said at the, like, at the beginning of this episode, like, oh, I'm not conventionally sexy. So a lot of us really internalize it and we think it's a problem with ourselves. But I think this idea of, like, what is sexiness? It's actually a much bigger systemic problem. So if you ask people, like, especially in the U.S. like, if you find the average person on the street and say, like, what do you think is sexy in the US People are going to rattle off a really specific list of attributes. Like, for women, I think, you know, we're taught to believe you're supposed to be thin, but you're supposed have boobs and a butt. Blonde hair is really hot.

Toned muscles.

Yeah, toned muscles, you know, so it's.

Like, be a bit tan.

Yeah.

But not too tan. I don't know.

No, there's a very narrow definition of what we think is, like, acceptably sexy. Like looking like a Victoria's Secret, supermodel type of thing, you know, And I think it's important for us to recognize, like, we're fed so much BS about what our bodies are supposed to look like and what is sexy and what isn't sexy. I mean, you know what this Makes me think of, like, those terrible tabloid magazines that come out every summer that are, like, summer's best and worst bodies. You know, it's like. It's so fucking mean, like, tearing celebrities and, you know, athletes and stuff to shreds if they, like, aren't, you know, super perfectly tanned, if they happen to be, like, hunching over in the photo and there's, like, a little bit of stomach that's showing versus, like, completely tight and toned everywhere. So, you know, I know sometimes when we talk about, like, these bigger systemic issues, it's kind of easy for us to be like, yeah, yeah, I know this is. Society feeds us bullshit, but it is. It's really important to recognize that, like, I mean, I can say as a woman, it just. It was impossible for me to grow up in this society and not find so many things wrong with my body. You know, I'm not tall enough. I'm not thin enough. I might think skin isn't tight enough in certain areas. I have some fat on me, like, heaven forbid, you know. So it's just, like, it is really important for us to recognize, like, from such a young age and in thousands of ways, every single day, you were taught to believe that you're not sexy. Really? For the point of, like, selling things.

Yeah, I think another. Another thing to ask yourself is, okay, so, like, Vanessa just described, you might have this very narrow definition of what is sexy. And, like, when I apply that to myself, I am therefore not sexy. But I do think, like, most people, if you ask them, you know, okay, identify, like, people that you know or people that you follow on social media or whatever, and, like, identify people who you feel are sexy. Like, can you identify any people that fall outside that strict definition? And probably you do. I mean, we. This is kind of like what we see when we ask, okay, what do you think is sexy versus what do you think is sexy in other people? I think very often we feel like these rules only apply to us, but for whatever reason, they don't seem to apply to other people. Oh, well. Well, that person doesn't. You know, their body doesn't fit into that definition that I'm applying to myself. But, oh, they're super confident and they. They look great in these clothes or whatever. Like, I. I totally hit that.

Oh, it's Big Al's back.

But I. I just. I think it's interesting that, you know, if you find. Oh, like, you have a very narrow definition of sexy and you don't find anybody else sexy, that doesn't fall into that Then, like, that's one thing. But if you are like, oh, yeah, there's tons of people that are sexy that look different, but for some reason, that doesn't apply to me. Like, try to ask yourself, huh, what's going on there? Am I being a little harsher on myself than I am on others?

Yeah, I mean, I. I just really think it's important for us to take this step back and recognize, like, this is not a me problem. This is a societal problem for sure.

Okay, so if we've been fed all this BS about, like, what truly is sexy, then, then what do we do? We. We have to figure out our own definition or our own version of sexy. Because I think the reality is that everyone has different ideas of what sexy is. There isn't just one single approach. It's not like, oh, Victoria's secret, Victoria supermodel. Victoria's secret supermodels are not the one and only definition of sexy. Right? So, like, you gotta figure out, like, what do you find genuinely sexy?

And I think this can be an empowering step too, to recognize. Okay. I've been taught my whole life that sexy needs to look and act this way. But, like, what do I actually find sexy? I mean, in some ways, it reminds me of, like, identifying what you like to do during sex. Like, it's like I've seen sex portrayed in the movies and in TV shows, you know, in this way. And I feel like it's supposed to look like this, but actually what I'm interested in or what brings me pleasure, what I feel desire for is this thing instead. It's a similar kind of thing, like identifying, like, what actually feels sexy for you, you know? So I think that one way to do this, because sometimes this can be hard to, like, look at ourselves. And especially if you're somebody who doesn't have a lot of confidence, you don't. You don't see yourself as sexy. It's not like you can flip the switch and think, like, oh, well, I'm gonna redefine sexy as me, like, exactly as I am. That is what sexy is. That can be a little challenging. So I think one thing to do is kind of similar to what Xander was saying a minute ago is kind of like looking at others, but in a non pervy way. We're not like, ogling other people here.

But like, thanks for that caveat. That's good.

Yeah, don't be a perv.

Yeah, just. Just go out on the street and look at people. No sungl. And, yeah, ideally, like, pull your face A little bit. So maybe you look creepy or disapproving.

But, like, look for what you find sexy in other people. Because like we said in those results of those polls, like, we tend to be a lot more generous with other people than we are with ourselves. So if you kind of gently observe other people and try to look for, like, what is it that you genuinely find attractive? And I think a lot of this is just expanding the images that you're looking at. So, you know, if you're. If you're just reading magazines, if you're just scrolling on social media and following a bunch of, like, bikini model influencers, like, again, it's just every single day drilling in and drilling in and drilling in these messages of, like, only this very narrow little thing is sexy here. But if you're looking at a wider range of people, if you are following more diverse people on social media, you know, then you'll start to get more of a sense of like. Like, oh, yeah, like, I genuinely find that sexy.

Yeah. And. And it's not just a body thing. Like, it's not just like, oh, they have these attributes that make them sexy. I think what you'll probably start to find, if you're following a more diverse set or varied set of people, you might start kind of identifying, like, some vibes or some energy. Like, it's. It's more. It's more than just like, oh, well, they have this physical attribute, and therefore they're sexy. And, like, I think what people often find or what people often say is, like, I don't know what it is about this person, but there's something about them that's really sexy and that's more of an emotional or, like an energetic thing, right?

Yeah, for sure. And so this is such a major point that we want to make because I think this is something that so many people get wrong. Like, don't make sexiness just about your body and specifically, like, what your body looks like. And it's so interesting to look at. You know, when we were looking at what do we find sexy in other people, it was all about that energy, the way that somebody carries themselves, the way that they interact with other people. So I think if we take it out of the body, like, of course the body is very sexy, and we can expand our definition of what sexy bodies look like, but also, like, let's just not make it all about our bodies entirely. Like, let's look at that energy. Let's look at those vibes and, you know, and just expand that definition in that way. So if you're not totally sold on this idea, there's a different way we can look at it as well. Like, you probably know someone in your life who is conventionally attractive, conventionally sexy.

They meet all those guidelines that you may have had for yourself.

Yeah. But they don't have any confidence or self esteem or the way they carry themselves is just kind of like, off. So it's like they have everything going for them physically, but that energy is just off and, like. Like they're not actually exuding the sexiness that maybe their physical appearance looks like. So I just think it's a really different way of looking at it. Before we go any further, let us tell you a little bit more about Green Chef. At the time that we are recording this, it is a dark day in the Marin household because Xander made a crucial mistake this week.

I did.

You did. You forgot to put in our Green Chef order.

I did forget.

And so we have had no Green Chef. It has been very sad indeed. I'm missing the meals. I'm missing that experience of getting to cook with you.

You're missing the experience of the surprise. You open up the box. What's in the box?

What's in the box? I legitimately am very sad that we don't have any Green Chef. We've been eating, like, takeout and kind of cobbling together some stuff. But I have really grown fond of our Green Chef meals, and I cannot wait till we get back on the Green Chef train. So we have teamed up with Green Chef because we are such big fans of them, and they have a great deal for you. You can go to greenchef.com pillow60. That's pillow. And then the number 60. And you can get 60% off plus free shipping. Green Chef has also been in the middle of expanding their meals. So now you can choose from 30 recipes weekly.

Wow.

Or zero recipes if you're Xander and you forget.

No, choose from 30. It's much better.

And Green Chef also offsets 100% of their carbon footprint, as well as 100% of the plastic in every box, which is pretty cool. Go to greenchef.com pillow60. That's pillow six zero. And use the code pillow60 to get 60% off plus free shipping. And let's tell you a little bit more about Dipsea. So we actually just a couple of days ago, I got a message from Jackie, our customer service manager, and she said somebody is reaching out because they listened to pillow talks. They said that you guys did an ad for sexy sleep stories and they're trying to remember what it is. And I was racking my brain thinking, what are sexy sleep stories? And then it hit me. Dipsy, they're thinking about Dipsea, which has sexy stories and some sleep stories, but I think in that person's mind they had combined into sexy sleep stories, which kind of sounds like. That sounds fun to me too.

Yeah, it sounds like a good way to fall asleep. Who would want to fall asleep in a sexy way? Yeah.

So Dipsea is an app full of hundreds of short, sexy audio stories designed by women for women. And like everything that we tell you guys about on Pillow Talks, we had to try it out first to make sure that we liked it, that it was something that we wanted to recommend to you. And so when I logged in, it was, I mean, it's a beautifully designed app and I was just amazed by how many stories there are in every category you could possibly imagine. It's just incredibly inclusive. Like anything that you're interested in, anything that you're curious about, you can find. There are stories for straight listeners, queer listeners, every type of kink and fantasy that you can possibly imagine. And I also thought it was really cool. Dipsea told us that 56% of their stories are voice acted by people of color, which I think is really awesome. They even have stories that are narrated by actors that you might recognize. There was one series in particular that I definitely checked out that was an actor from Insecure and he had a very sexy voice, let me just say. So you can find sexy stories, but then they also have a whole category of sleep stories and wellness sessions on top of that. So, you know, do a little bit of both. For listeners of the show, Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day free trial. When you go to dipseastories.com pillow, that's 30 days of full access for free. When you go to dipseastories.com pillow, that's dipseastories.com pillow. So let's get away a little bit from like your own thoughts about sexiness with our next tip, which is to let in your partner's compliments. So if you're in a long term relationship with someone, your partner probably finds you sexy, they probably find you attractive. High likelihood, very high.

Like whether you believe it, Whether you believe it or not. Yeah, they almost certainly do. That's why they're with you.

So I think a lot of us have a hard time accepting our partner's attraction to us or letting their compliments in. So your partner might be trying to tell you like oh my God, you look so sexy right now. And you're like, like, oh, my God, no, I don't have you. Like, I've gained weight or like, oh, this outfit's so gross, I haven't showered in a week. What are you talking about? Right, so we, like, we push off that compliment. And I'm kind of curious to ask you, Xander, because I think this is something that happens particularly in male female relationships where it's the woman who has a hard time accepting the compliment. So what do you think it feels like for men when they're trying to like, share their attraction to their partner and they get that, that get rebuffed in that way?

It feels really shitty because when you are giving that type of compliment, what feels really good is to see it being received well. Like, like, you know, if you say, like, hey, like, you're like, you're super hot, like, you look really great right now. I think, like, what you're ideally hoping for looking for is like, for your partner's face to light up or that maybe, like, maybe it leads to some actual sexy times. And it's like this whole positive reinforcement cycle. Like, hey, I think you're looking really hot right now.

Like, wait, hold on. That's interesting that you bring that up though, because I think that's one of the reasons why a lot of women don't trust the compliments is a lot of women think, oh, he's just saying that because he wants to have sex with me. So it's not about, like, he's actually attracted to me. He thinks I'm sexy and he wants to be intimate with me. It's like, oh, he's just buttering me up because he's horny and he wants vessel to orgasm into. And I'm here, so.

And that's. And so that's why you think that this person is in a long term relationship with you because all they care about is sex. They could care less about what you look like, they care less about who you are personally. It's just literally straight up about the sex and they're just pulling a huge, long con on you.

I. I honestly think some women would say, yeah, that that is what it feels like.

Well, that's a topic for another podcast episode and probably something that you might want to want to examine.

Yeah.

Whether you know, personally or in therapy or whatever.

I will say, like, for any men listening who are in relationships with women, I will say try to give your partner compliments, not just when you're initiating sex because you want her to understand, like, this is not just, hey, I'm horny and I want to get my way. So let me butter you up with some compliments. Like if you want her to really believe those compliments, share them with her at times when like, like sex is not on the table at all.

Yeah, I mean, so yeah, I, I, setting aside the thing of maybe it does lead to some sexy times, I'm thinking more of like a long term thing. Like, oh, like, you know, I give you compliments throughout the day and you know, then you're feeling good about yourself and you bring that energy back into the bedroom when we are having sex. But I think that, you know, it feels really defeating when those compliments get deflected or pushed away. It's sad, you know, it's sad to watch someone like not be able to take in a compliment and then, and so it doesn't feel very good for you as the person giving them. And then eventually it kind of encourages you to, to stop giving them or to slow down because it's like, well, what's, what's the point? Like if it, if anything, it almost feels like you're contributing to the person feeling worse about themselves because, because you give a compliment and then they say something self deprecating about themselves. So if you don't give the compliment, then they won't be saying as many self deprecating things. It's kind of an impossible decision that you have to make of, okay, well, do I stop and maybe they feel better about themselves.

We actually have a whole episode about this. It's one of our earlier ones. Episode 12 is how to let your partner love your body even if you don't. So that would be a great one to listen to. And then our final tip in this category, also, we have a podcast episode about it. But our tip here is to really work on clearing out your sexual shame. Because if you have a relationship with sex where you think sex is shameful, it's embarrassing, it's awkward, and to be fair, like, we all have some amount of sexual shame. It's impossible to grow up without internalizing that in some way or another. But if sex feels shameful to you, the idea of being sexy is not gonna feel comfortable to you at all. So I would definitely recommend checking out podcast episode 65 where we really walk you through a step by step process. I think there's seven steps there for clearing out sexual shame. That's a big foundational thing that a lot of people are gonna have to do before they can even like tiptoe next to feeling sexy.

I'm impressed that you remember that. There may be seven steps to that episode. I think we should start quizzing you. Sure. You know, on podcast episodes, like, all right, how many steps was it?

No, I mean, parts.

Was it?

No. The only reason I remember that, actually, you and I have terrible memories for the podcast episodes because we record these, like, a couple of weeks in advance. We make sure that we have, like, a little store of podcast episodes. And our team member Jackie goes through, and she's the one who makes all the great show notes that you can find on our website@vmtherapy.com she puts, like, timestamps and recaps and everything. And so she often sends us messages saying, like, oh, my God, that joke you guys made about that was so funny. And more than half the time we were like, what? And it was like we had recorded it the week before, but we already forget it.

It's like, okay, one or two weeks have gone by, but, nope, don't remember. But do we? I'm we.

The reason I remember that one is because I remember there was such a nice alliteration. It was like, seven steps to sexual shame. Something like that.

It was like, seven steps to increasing your sexual shame. Don't listen to that episode.

That part didn't fit into the alliteration. But it was like, seven steps, sexual shame. Like, it all flowed nicely. Okay, okay. So that is part one. That's like rethinking sexy. And now we have part two, which is embodying sexy. So the first step that we have here is to start talking about sex. I think this is a very underrated way to start feeling sexier is if you get comfortable with the topic of sex. So go over to sextalksbook.com you can pre order our book, Sex Talks. It's coming out February 7th, and it is all about the five conversations that every couple should have. It is such a great book about learning to get comfortable talking about sex. You will explore sexiness within it as well. And when you pre order the book. Because one thing that we've learned in the whole process of writing our very first book is that pre orders are the most important thing for the success of a book. Like, you cannot have a successful book if you don't have a lot of pre orders. So if you pre order it, we're giving you a bunch of amazing free goodies. And one of this is actually like one of the smaller gifts. But one of the gifts is a free guide for how to start talking about sex, even if you never have before. So you'll get a ton of other stuff. It's super fun. You're gonna love the book. I promise we'll talk about it more. But that is just such a great step. And you can. And you'll get that guide right away, even though the book is not coming out yet, that that'll help you build up that confidence and that comfort to start talking about sex.

So talking about sex is great, but how about doing more sex? How about just straight up doing more sex? Getting better at the sex that you're having, improving your technique.

This is another time where I really wish we were recording this on video because your face, as you said, doing more sex. Yeah, I wish, like, rebrand our business. Like doing more sex with Xander and Vanessa Moran.

Do it. Doing more sex. Yeah.

I mean, you look so pleased with yourself. Doing more sex. Yeah, I mean, tell me about doing more sex.

Well, I mean, that's kind of like the reason why our business exists, right? To help people have more sex, have better sex, feel more comfortable, more confident in the sex with that they're having. I think, you know, one of the huge things, things that we offer that does this is our foreplay guides, AKA the blowjob guide. That's what everyone seems to call it, even though, you know, we. We teach more than just how to give a blowjob.

Hands and mouth.

Yeah, use your hands, use your mouth on a penis, on a vulva. One kind of pro tip about this is I think a lot of women are like, oh, I just want the blow job guide. That's all I want. But you do want, you do want all the guides, because you can use. Use the vulva pleasure guides on yourself. A lot of people don't know that, but, you know, I mean, that's another way to also feel sexy, increase your confidence, feel good about masturbating.

There is nothing that will make you feel sexier than learning how to get yourself off and how to bring your own body pleasure especially. And I can say this as a woman who really struggled with my own orgasm for a very long time. Like, when you figure that out, you're like, oh. Oh, hell yeah.

So we'll link that guide for you. We'll also link to our next level intercourse guide, because that's all about really up leveling your intercourse technique, figuring, you know, showing you all kinds of positions, busting all kinds of myths about orgasm, helping women especially feel more pleasure during orgasm. So, yeah, if you, if you invest in any of Those things, you're going to be feeling a lot more comfortable about your technique, a lot more confident. It's going to be great.

Yeah. Yeah. I think that when you feel confident in what you're doing, you're like, I know how to make this fun. I know how to bring myself pleasure. I know how to bring my partner pleasure. Like, you just feel sexy doing that. And it's unfortunate because I think there are so many people out there who go through the motions of sex, but they don't feel sexy doing it. And that can leave it feeling very hollow and disconnected and unenjoyable. So when we get that. That level of confidence, when we learn, like, those tools and techniques, it really contributes to that feeling of being sexy. So kind of going along with that, we also want to talk about allowing yourself to receive pleasure. So it's like, you know, if you're just going through the motions with sex. And again, I do think this is another dynamic that comes up a lot for women in relationships with men is like, we're going through their emotions. We kind of think of sex. And some of us have even been taught, not this directly, that, like, sex is more for the man than it is for the woman. Like, it's something he needs. We just have to be like, you know, satisfy his needs because he needs this, that kind of thing. But if you're just going through the motions and there's, like, nothing in it for you, or even if you have a partner who wants to pleasure you but you, you're like, no, don't. Don't focus on me. Let's move on. I take too long. Like, I'm too complicated. Like, you're never gonna feel that sense of. Of, like, sexiness in your own skin. So I think a big part of feeling sexy is, like, allowing yourself to receive pleasure, whether it's from yourself or from your partner. But, like, having that confidence of, like, I deserve pleasure. I deserve to have a good experience. I deserve to, like, have an orgasm to feel good.

Yeah. And it can be more than just pleasure, too. Like, moving your body in general, like, physical activity, exercise in general releases like, endorphins and hormones and feel good chemicals and stuff that tend to make us feel better about ourselves. I know sometimes, like, it can. It can feel a bit challenging at the beginning, but once we get into more of a habit of physical activity, then, you know, we start to feel a lot better about it. I know that for me, was kind of a big blockage for a long time, was like, oh, I just. I feel Horrible whenever I do anything physical. But, you know, it's kind of like getting over a hump of that. And then all of a sudden, it was like, oh, I feel really good about myself whenever I'm doing this stuff.

Yeah. And to be clear, this is not like, move your body to exercise and lose weight. Because I think that is one of the bullshitty messages that we get far too often of, like, just lose weight and you'll be sexier and you can be sexy at any freaking size. But it is this idea of, like, moving your body with joy and with love. So, like, for you, you found that, you know, surfing is something. You're doing it physically. Sure, there's an exercise component to it, but it's something that, like, when you do that, you feel like you're treating your body with love and respect and kindness, right?

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it was. It was definitely a battle at first to, like, get into, you know, good enough shape to be able to do it consistently because, like, in my head, I would want to do it more. But then physically, it was really taxing and challenging, and so there was definitely, like, a hump to get over. And then, you know, once I kind of started getting over that hump, where it was like, okay, I can. I. I can physically handle going surfing, you know, any day that I really want to. That was when I started really feeling, like, okay, yeah, I feel really good about myself. My body is supporting me in doing this thing that I love. I feel really good when I do this. When I get out of the water, I feel really thankful for my body, body for. For carrying me and all those things.

It also. It doesn't have to be exercise, because if I think I'm thinking back to that question of, like, how often do I feel sexy? I think one of the simplest, easiest things that I can do to feel sexy is, like. I don't even know how to describe this. Like, I can walk in a way that makes me feel sexy. Like, kind of moving my hips a little bit, and it's like, it's not for anybody else. It's not like, oh, I'm trying to, like, make myself look sexy, but, like. Like, I can just take a few steps and, like, kind of. I don't know, you get in the, like, the groove with your body, and, like, that makes me feel sexy. I feel connected to myself. So it's not exercise. It's not burning calories or any bullshit like that, but it's just like, there's that little swivel of the Hips, like, makes me feel sexy.

For me, you know, it's. It's kind of like you were. You were rushing out of the house this morning to go to Pilates, and you, I think, like, needed to. To, like, grab something. I saw you just, like, sliding through the hallway.

Oh, it's on my socks.

Yeah.

Saving time.

Yeah. But, like, it kind of made me think, like, when you're not home and I'm just here, like, I definitely move around the house a little differently, and it's. Maybe it's like I. I should feel more comfortable doing this when I'm with you. But, yeah, maybe I, like, slide around a little more.

Are you shimmying around?

You know, I'm not. I'm not worried what anyone else thinks about me. And it's like, oh, it feels good sometimes.

Yeah. I'm, like. I'm struggling to articulate it in a way that feels really, I don't know, interesting. But, yeah, it's just, like, there's a way that I can carry myself, that I can get into it in, like, a split second. Maybe it's like, you know, my posture. Maybe it's that little hip swivel, but it just, like, I feel sexy in my body when I do that. So I think just encouraging people to find, like, what is that little way of just carrying yourself that makes you feel that little twinge of, like, oh, hey, here's me and my body, and my body's sexy?

Yeah. Or like, what's that thing that you do when no one else is watching? Because maybe you feel a little worried that people might judge you or something? And maybe just try doing that in front of someone sometime. See how it goes.

And our last tip here is to do the things that make you feel sexy. So for us, sexy is an action. It's not a permanent state of being. It's not like we work on being sexy, and then we just are sexy forevermore. It's like, it's. I've said this before about other things. Like, it's a series of daily decisions. That's. I mean, that's what life is. We never get to, like, a permanent state of anything.

Well, maybe the permanent state of sexiness would literally be being so sexy. It hurts. Like, it. It would. You know, it's exhausting. Like, oh, God, I'm, like, constantly doing this. I'm constantly doing that. I have to carry myself this way. I have to wear this. Like, man, that does feel like it might hurt. So, hey, maybe they were onto something in that song.

So. But this Is. I mean, this is the thing, though, is like, I think that most of us, us, we can identify, like, at least a couple of things that make us feel sexy or connected to our body or confident. Actually, that's another tip that I'm throwing in here last minute. I think some people probably don't resonate with the word sexy. It just feels like, I don't know, like I don't want to be sexy or like, I was taught too many bad messages growing up about, like, oh, sexy women, or like, bad or whatever. So, like, maybe it's finding a different word for you of something that's about confidence or, you know, appreciating your body or whatever it is. But anyways, like, I think most of us have at least a couple of things that we do that make us feel good in our own bodies, but we don't actually do them. So we want to encourage you. Like, even if they feel like they're small things or even if they feel unimportant, like, my little swishy hip walk is such a great example. Like, that feels like a small kind of dumb thing, but, like, it makes me feel sexy. So why should I not take, like, one second per day to, like, give my hips a little swish and, like, give myself that experience of feeling sexy?

All right, so let's tackle a couple listener questions. First one is, how can I feel sexy without needing validation from others?

This is such a great question. And this is exactly why we wanted to start with the whole idea of, like, re examination feminine sexy and deciding for yourself what you think feels sexy. So, like, I mean, I don't want to downplay, like, of course it feels great to get validation from others. Of course. Like, you know, when Xander tells me you look really sexy, that feels great to me. But I think that if we start with this, you know, connection to ourselves and understanding what do I find sexy? What does sexy mean to me? Then that makes it so we have the. This foundation of confidence or of sexiness that exists separately from the feedback that other people give to us.

All right, now this next one was a super, super, super common question. How can you feel sexy postpartum or as a mom?

So we got a DM from somebody that I wanted to read to kind of illustrate some of the things that can come up around this. So one woman wrote, alternate viewpoint. I'm a stay at home mom right now, and feeling sexy seems like such a waste of energy. Even body positivity feels like too much right now. Give me all the body neutrality. My Butt is a blob that holds my legs onto my body. My boobs just happen to be there. I am lucky enough to be naturally tall and thin. So before popping out a sweet little nugget, I felt sexy on the regular. But in this phase of life, comments on my body or appearance, positive from my husband. Husband feel ridiculous. So this is really interesting. I feel like I could do a whole episode just on this one comment. But, I mean, first, speaking to, like, how do I feel sexy, postpartum or as a mom? Again, this is all about us, like, redefining what sexy feels like to us and not just thinking of sexy as the tall, thin Victoria's Secret supermodels that we all saw growing up. So recognizing, like, your sexiness has nothing to do with what your body looks like. Right. It can have something to do with what your body, like, looks. Looks like. But, like, so much more to do with who you are as a person and the energy that you have.

Also, it sounds like your husband may think that you do look sexy the way you look. It sounds like he is giving you positive comments that you aren't. That you aren't allowing yourself to take in.

So there's so much to unpack here. Like, first, I want to validate, like, if you're in a season of life where you're just like, I don't really care about feeling sexy right now. That's okay. You get to decide for you what feels good. Like, we're. We're not here, like, trying to shove this down your throat or anything like that. So it's fine to say I'm at a season of life where this isn't important, where I don't have the energy for this. That's okay. And at the same time, like, I do think that this woman has a lot of her ideas of sexiness are wrapped up in what conventional beauty standards are. Like, she says, I was lucky enough to be naturally tall and thin. She felt. Felt sexy beforehand because she fit into that, you know, model of, like, what we all think we're supposed to look like. But now the idea that anybody could find her body sexy as it is, like, is ridiculous. And I think, yeah, just like you're saying, I'd bet that her husband genuinely does find her sexy. And I think it is important for us to recognize that postpartum bodies can be sexy, too. So, like, I do. I, you know, I appreciate the body neutrality movement. I think, like, it is great to take some of the focus away from our bodies. We are so much more than our bodies. And, you know, that's a lot of the message that we've been giving in this episode. It's not just about what your body looks like, and at the same time, it's also about recognizing that bodies of all shapes and sizes and skin colors and ability levels can all be sexy. So there's just. Yeah, there's a lot to unpack there in this one little comment. I'll stop myself there.

But, yeah, it's like, it's not. Not all about your body. And it's, you know, it's not the other extreme. It's not nothing about your body. Like, if we were completely unaware of our bodies, like, that would be really bad, too. Like, you know, like, oh, I have this bump here, but I'm not going to look at it or care about it because I don't care about my body at all, or I shouldn't be looking at my body, you know, and then, like, you end up in the hospital because, you know, you have a tumor or something. The doctor's like, hey, why didn't you notice this? You know, so it's like, you know, it's. It's all about balance. I think with all of this stuff, it's not all about your body, but it's not. Not about your body either.

Okay, this is another question where there's a lot into it. So first I want to ask you, like, do you want me to look sexy all the time?

No, not all the time. That seems like, over the top. Top.

Do you think, like, the average guy wants his wife to look sexy all the time?

I think the average guy does not. I do think, you know, we've been talking a lot about, like, you know, what. What society says sexy is, and I do think that there, you know, is sort of this. This message that a lot of men receive that's like, oh, I will have succeeded in life when I have a partner who's just so hot all the time and that, like, you know, I, you know, my way of feeling good about myself as a man is to have a partner that is just so sexy all the time. So I do think that there, you know, is a minority of men that have internalized this and that. That's sort of the goalpost.

But you think the app.

But no, I think the average guy is not looking for that. Like, we, like, the average man is not looking to be having sex 24 hours a day constantly. And it. I mean, it seems exhausting that the goal would be that you're always just like, because because if you flip it around and you're like, okay, well, if you are always sexy all the time, you're constantly seducing me, like, like, how's that going to work? Like, I can't. I can't be horny 24 hours a day. I can't be having sex 24 hours a day. I can'T be wanting it 24 hours a day. So it doesn't really seem like a practical thing.

Okay, so, but then what about this? Like, there have been times where I've put a lot of effort into my appearance that day. And, like, sometimes you definitely know this, and you're like, wow, you look great today. And sometimes you don't notice. And I think that this is something that comes up for a lot of women of, like, it feels like our attention to detail about physical appearance. Like. Like, a woman will be like, oh, what looks different about me? And a guy will be like, did.

You get a haircut?

Yeah. Did you get a haircut? So, I mean, I can kind of answer this one. Like, I think as women, we're socialized to be much more detail oriented about our appearance. It's like, you can break down, you know, every part of the face, like, what different makeup techniques and products we're supposed to apply and what we're supposed to do with our hair and what outfits should look like and all that kind of stuff. And men just are not socialized to pay that much attention. So I think there's an interesting dynamic that comes up for us women. Like, for me, if I spent. I can spend an hour doing my makeup, and I can spend five minutes doing my makeup, and I don't think Xander will know notice. No, you won't notice the difference.

I don't think so.

You'll be like, oh, you look nice. But for this, for each. Each look, it's like, oh, you look nice. Or you might. You might be like, oh, something looks a little different, but, like, you're just not gonna notice. Like, oh, you applied bronzer and you highlighted and contour. You know, like, you're just not gonna get any of that.

Well, because it's not all about physical appearance for me. Like, your sexiness is much more of an energy. I mean, I think that you are a sexy person. Person in general. I love you. I think you're really attractive like that.

Thank you.

Like, you. You just exist that way for me. And. And, I mean, I think the other. The thing with appearance, that's. That, you know, is. Is hard for people to understand sometimes because we see ourselves so differently in the mirror. We see ourselves constantly, like, in the mirror, we have an idea of what we look like in our head. But I think that, you know, when I look at Vanessa, you know, she. Vanessa looks like Vanessa to me. Like, you have a. You have a certain look that, like, you can't change. Like, you are who you are interesting. And like, it doesn't matter how much makeup you put on. Like, I have an idea of, of what you look like and an idea of who you are and that. And that person to me is very sexy. And so. So there's almost like this weird thing of like, if you try to change that appearance too much, then I'm like, wait, I don't recognize this person that I'm looking at. Like, this isn't the Vanessa that I know and love. So it's kind of like this, this weird thing where it's like, I almost prefer you, like, without trying to change your appearance, because the person that I love is the person who you are, the person that you look like.

Yeah, I mean, I think this is also speaks to the importance of doing the things that genuinely make you feel sexy. So, like, for example, I don' love doing my hair. You know, it's like, it doesn't feel fun to me. It doesn't really make me feel sexy. And I've had times where I've like, spent a ton of time on my hair and you don't notice. And then it's like I get annoyed that I even did it in the first place. It's like I am looking for that validation. So if I focus on only doing things that, like, feel good for me, sure, sometimes I might be like, wow, he didn't even notice that. But it's like, I've done it for myself rather than I've done it for you. I think that can make a big difference.

Yeah. The other thing that I want to say about this question is that there's also the, the possibility of that dynamic that we kind of mentioned before, which is that, that, you know, the, the partner stops making compliments or stops giving as many compliments because they haven't been received very well in the past. And I think that even if that's not a part of your current relationship, it could be that your partner learned that from a past relationship that they had a past partner that was really self deprecating and your partner learned, oh, God, I guess, like, I guess like, you know, women don't really want compliments or whatever gender of person that I'm with. Like, they don't like compliments. That didn't work in the past. I'm not going to do that in the future. And so I think it's just the importance of. Of talking about this. Talking about how. How do you like to receive love? How do you like to receive validation?

I also have one final thing to say, and then we'll move on. There's so much in this question, but I also think it's okay to fish for compliments, too. Like, you can tell your partner. Yeah, I mean, fishing for compliments has this negative connotation to it, but I think it's totally fine to tell your partner, like, hey, I put a lot of effort into looking good today. What do you think? So it doesn't mean that it. It doesn't make it mean any less that your partner, like, kind of had to be prompted into giving you that feedback versus them just saying the feedback on their own. Like, I know, of course it would be nice for our partner to just like, magically give us the feedback that we want in every single moment, but I don't think there's anything wrong with saying, like, hey, look at what I did today. Like, do you think I look nice? Or something like that?

Yeah. I mean, you're setting them up for success and answering the question. If you're like, hey, I put a lot of time into my appearance, or I just spent a lot of time doing my makeup or my hair, what do you think? You don't even need to say, like, don't I look good? Like, you don't need to make it a leading question. But when you just. Just when you don't give any indication of what's different, and you're just like, hey, what do you think? Like, like, so what do you think? It's sort of like a pop quiz, and your partner's like, wait, what? I feel like, Then they can start to overthink it. Or like, oh, wait, what am I supposed to answer? Yeah, and so in this case, if you help them with. Here's. Here's, like, the general topic that I'm asking for feedback on that can be really helpful.

Okay, last question for you. Since we have talked a lot about women in this episode, what are some tips for making a man feel sexy?

All right, if I'm going to give one tip for helping make a man feel sexy, I'm going to say compliments. Whether it's compliments on his appearance, on his energy, or even, like, compliments about the sex that you guys have, that can be super sexy. I mean, like, literally just tie it back to sex. Like, sexy is literally adding a Y to the end of the word sex. Right? So if you're talking about the sex that you're having, if you're having sexy sex and then giving compliments about that, I think that's like a perfect recipe for helping anybody feel sexy.

All right, well, that wraps up our deep dive into sexiness. So we're gonna link a couple of things for you in the show. Notes, those foreplay guides that we mentioned. Next level, intercourse. And the link to sextalks book.com where you can pre order our book Sex Talks. Get a ton of free goodies you'll get immediately, even though there's a little bit more time until the actual book comes out. But we would greatly appreciate your support of Sex Talks. We will make sure to link that.

All right, well, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when, when we do another Ask Us Anything episode. It's been a super popular format and we are looking forward to you asking and us answering. Part four. Part four, Yeah.