Episode 89: How To Get The Intimacy You’ve Always Craved

Well, I think a lot of people and probably a lot of men hear their partner say, I want us to have more intimacy and feel overwhelmed because they're like, well, what the hell does that really even mean?

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Thanks to zocdoc for supporting Pillow Talks. Zocdoc is the only free app that lets you find and book doctors who are patient reviewed, take your insurance, are available when you need them, and treat almost every condition. Under the go to Zocdoc.com pillow and download the Zocdoc app to sign up for free and book a top rated doctor. I think it's safe to say that pretty much everyone wants more intimacy in their relationships, right? Like, intimacy is this thing that we crave. We really want to have it. It feels good when we have it, right?

Hell yeah, I want more intimacy.

Okay. The problem though is that intimacy is one of those big words that often feels really hard to define and when you don't have it, it can hard to figure out how to get it back. Like we've mentioned this before, you know that a lot of people like, like how do you define intimacy?

Well, I think a lot of people, and probably a lot of men hear their partner say I want us to have more intimacy and feel overwhelmed because they're like, well what the hell does that really even mean? It's like I have no idea how to get to this place that I don't really know what it is. So I think that can be a challenge.

Absolutely. But you know that we are all about being practical and actionable. So today's episode is going to tell you how to get your partner to connect with you emotionally, to spice things up in the bedroom or both a little emotional and physical intimacy. So we're going to cover the specific science backed secret to more intimacy. How to talk to your partner about increasing intimacy in your relationship and specifically how to suggest it without hurting or offending your partner. We're also gonna tell you a little bit about our huge Valentine's Day event, Intimate or Nasty and why it's the perfect way to bring more intimacy into your relationship.

Especially if you maybe don't love Valentine's Day. You feel like, oh God, like it's this thing that we're supposed to do, this stuff that's gonna make us feel closer. And it's just big and stressful and expensive and I hate it. Like, our event is the antidote for the for having a complicated relationship with Valentine's Day.

But even if you're not interested in joining Intimate or Nasty, we are still going to give you plenty of useful tips in this episode. It is not just going to be about intimate or nasty. And we are also going to share real stories from couples who have increased the intimacy in their relationships to inspire and motivate you. But before we go any further, we have to make an extremely important and very time sensitive announcement, which is that in five days, our very first book is officially going to be out in the wild. Our book is Sex the five conversations that will transform your love life. And in five days, you are going to be able to walk into your local bookstore and snatch it right up off the shelves. So that's the great news. The bad news is that means there are only four days left to pre order the book and get our $200 bonus package of freebies.

Yeah, I know how tempting it is. You're walking through the bookstore, you see it in the new releases section and you want to pick it up because you're like, I know that book. But if you do that, you're going to be missing some really major stuff. And we want to make sure that you know that if you order in the next four days, if you pre order the hardcover, you are going to get this over $200 bonus package of stuff. And we will not be offering that once the book gets released.

I know. So this is your last chance. It's seriously the last chance. I know we have a lot of procrastinators in our audience, people who like to wait until the last minute to do things. We procrastinate sometimes too. We get it. But this is seriously the last chance. So we wanted to make sure that we gave you this reminder, this heads up because we know we are going to be getting DMS from people on the 7th saying, Hey, I bought the book. Can I get that bonus package? And sorry, have to say no.

Sorry. Trying to reward people who pre order. We're trying to reward people who are in our audience who are already following us. Because once the book comes out, there's going to be all kinds of people walking through the bookstore, seeing that cover, seeing the title, who are really intrigued. What's this book all about? I got to pick it up. But they don't know us like you know us. And we want to make it really special for all of you. If you pre order before the 6th.

Yeah, the 6th is the last day. So let's just do a quick recap of what you get if you pre order the book. At sex talks book.com we have links to all the different places you can pre order it and a very quick little form that you need to fill out with your order information that you will immediately get. Dirty Talk 101, which is a $69 guide. You can buy it on our website right now.

People are spending $69 on that right now. Like today. I guarantee you some people are buying that, not realizing they could get free.

You are also going to get our sexual bucket list, which is selling right now for $29. Our how to Know what yout Want in the Bedroom masterclass, selling on sale right now for $19. How to start talking about sex with your partner Mini guide. A huge digital workbook. It's so fun, so valuable. It's going to help you go so much deeper with the book. You'll get that when the book gets released.

Yeah. And our. Our publisher allowed us to put together this workbook. Who in, you know, many books in the future, like, after they've been out for a while, the publisher will release, you know, a special workbook that goes along with the book. But we talked to our publisher and we were like, look, we want to. We want to be able to offer a really valuable workbook that we can give to people who pre order. And they let us do that, which was so cool. But seriously, the only way to get that is to pre order. There will be no opportunity for getting that unless you pre order.

And you're also going to get a ticket to our live virtual book party event that will happen sometime in March. And you even are going to get a $30 discount to intimate or Nasty. That's our Valentine's Day event that just opened yesterday. Doors just open.

It's open now. So, yeah, if you want to join either of our sex challenge or a connection challenge or both, we'll give you $30 off, which is basically our way of saying, here, have the book for free, plus a couple extra dollars just because we love you.

So all those things, you will get absolutely free if you pre order in the next four days. But once the Clock strikes midnight and it is officially the seventh. None of that will be available. So we just wanted to give you this final reminder. We really appreciate your support. Your pre orders mean the world to us. And we wanted to give you this incredible bonus package as our way of saying thank you from the bott heart. So I hope that you get a chance to snatch it up before we are not offering it anymore.

Thank you in advance to everyone. Seriously, this, this book launch has been just a totally eye opening experience for us. It's been really fun. It's also been really busy. It's been really stressful. But you guys have just shown up pre ordered so many copies of the book. You've helped us be able to have our publisher order extra books so there can be more books in the bookstore. They've ordered the audio because you guys pre ordered so many books. Like, you guys have been there every step of the way and we love you for it. And so we just want to say thank you. And this is the best way that we can say thank you is giving you what feels like a too good to be true package if you pre order. So thank you.

So let's jump right into it and tell you what the science back secret to increasing intimacy.

Yeah. What does science say?

Science says try new things together. So there is actual research showing that our brains light up when we try new things. It is like so exciting, so much fun for our brains. And when we do something new with our partner, it really allows us to see our partner in a new light.

Yeah. I mean, I think it takes us back to those early days in our relationship when everything felt really new and exciting. A lot of us romanticize those early days, but the reality is it's not like things were necessarily better or somehow different. Like, the difference is that all the things that you were doing together were new and they were very exciting. They were lighting up your brain like Vanessa was just saying. And so it's not like, it's not like, oh, we just need to go back there. It's like, you don't need to go back there. You just need to start doing new stuff together to recapture those types of feelings.

The other cool thing about trying new things together is it works in a wide variety of situations. Like, it brings you closer together if you've been drifting apart. And it can also take you to the next level of intimacy if you're already in a good place. So this is exactly why we started creating challenges.

Yeah. I mean, we've been together 15 years. We know what it's like to go through seasons of life where you feel more like roommates than romantic partners, or when you're kind of stuck in a rut of just having that same old predictable sex. You're doing the same things day in, day out. It feels kind of stale. So we started creating challenges because we wanted to support couples in creating more novelty and excitement, but without having the pressure of needing to come up with those specific ideas. I know personally, I struggled with that so much early on. It was like, I don't know what we can do. I'm so busy. I don't have time to think of it. Like, I'm so tired. Like, I. I don't want to have to come up with this stuff. I don't want to have to take the time to do this stuff. But I don't know what else to do because it feels like we're kind of stuck.

Yeah. I mean, I think most of us have that same experience. Like, we've all heard the advice to try something new. Like, this is not brand new advice. It's not something we made up, but most of us just aren't doing it. And that is, you know, like Xander was saying, we get embarrassed. We get nervous trying to come up with new things to try, especially in the bedroom. And I actually had an experience of this myself just last weekend. I think I was answering a question for Ask Us Anything Sundays.

And.

And somebody had asked, like, how do I bring up doing the foreplay guides with my partner? I don't want him to think that I'm insulting him. Like, I'm saying, I bought these foreplay guides because you suck at going down on me and you need to read this guide to learn how to get better. So I was doing an example of how I suggest bringing this up with your partner. And I did it on Xander. Like, he just walked into the room. He didn't know what I was doing. And I said something about, like, oh, I have something really sexy and fun for us to try together later. And he got so excited, I stopped recording. And then I had to tell him, like, oh, sorry, that was just for Instagram.

It's all fake.

That wasn't real. And he was, you know, he was a little disappointed, for sure. And so then I was kind of thinking to myself, like, oh, shoot, now I just really disappointed him. Like, I should come up with something new for us to try. And then I felt really embarrassed of, like, oh, God, like, but I don't have anything. Yeah. So it's like, it was just a really Funny experience that, you know, I'm a freaking sex therapist. I teach other people how to do this for a living. I've created all these challenges, and still in that moment, it was like that performance pressure of, like, I've got to come up with something new to try right now. So we really get it. We really get how challenging it can be to come up with stuff in the moment. So that's like Xander was saying why we wanted to create these challenges so we could give you the specific ideas to try and not put that performance pressure on you to come up with things yourself. And we do these challenges, we do these live rounds of them where there are tons of other couples going through it at the same time. Because I think that makes it feel like this fun event, knowing there's all these people doing it together, rather than, like, something embarrassing that you have to do.

Yeah. So let's tell you a little bit about Intimate or Nasty, specifically because it is getting to be that time of the year. So if you've been around here for a while, then you know exactly what we're talking about. But if you are newer or maybe you weren't paying attention during February of last year, no shame. Just kindly calling you out. Then let us introduce you to what this is all about.

Okay. So Intimate or Nasty is our Valentine's Day event, and it's a combination of our two challenges.

Best selling challenges, bestselling.

These are, like, the most popular things that we offer, aside from those four play guides, too. So the Intimate represents our connection challenge, which is our emotional intimacy, and Nasty represents the sex challenge, the physical intimacy. So the story behind Intimate or Nasty actually came from this podcast. We put up a question box on Instagram asking people, how do you define great sex? And somebody responded, make it intimate and make it nasty.

Yeah.

And we were like, yes, that is exactly what we want. So that name just stuck, and we turned it into, like, an event for sharing our two challenges.

Yeah, I mean, basically the event where we offer both of them at the same time. We do it this time of year. Just. I mean, why not do it this time of year around Valentine's Day? I mean, I think so many people fall into the trap of, like, putting all this pressure on one day. February 14th, it's this one day is supposed to, you know, bring all of this connection, bring all of this excitement. You have this kind of, like, cheesy, expensive Valentine's Day dinner. And we decided, why don't we do something different? Why don't we do something better? Try something New, it's, you know, try something new. It's, we can do something that is cheaper than like a fancy Valentine's Day dinner with all the wine and dessert.

And last a whole lot longer.

And it's gonna last a whole lot longer than that. So, yeah, let's just do something different.

So, yeah, instead of going out for an hour, what these challenges are is each challenge you get 30 days of email. And in each email there are two different prompts. So with the connection challenge, the intimate side of intimate or nasty, the two different prompts that you get are communication and action. So the communication one is going to be like a thought provoking question, a discussion prompt. They range from like fun and flirty to deep and meaningful. And then the action prompt is a short, playful activity for you and your partner to complete together.

Then on the flip side, if you're doing the sex challenge, the nasty side of the equation, you get both a sensual and a sexual prompt. So sensual is going to be an activity that's based more around communication or touch. And then the sexual prompt is going to be a spicy R rated assignment. But we do want to be super clear, it is not just intercourse for the most part. It is actually not intercourse at all. You can add intercourse if you want to, but we really wanted to make something that runs the whole gamut of what sex is, which is so much more than just intercourse.

So we really designed this to be very doable, pun intended, I guess. Like, we didn't want it to feel overwhelming. So any of the prompts that you get are gonna take between like 5 and 15 minutes per day. And the reason why we gave the two different options is because we wanted to give you something that feels really easy, like more on the 5 minute and doesn't take a lot of energy, time even. And then one that was like a little bit more in depth, maybe a little spicier if you have a bit more time or more energy. So there you get to choose which one feels the most exciting for you.

That day or you can do both. And so we really just want to maximize the chances that you're going to find something that is really fun and exciting for you. So not only can it be done in 5 to 15 ish minutes per day, it is also super flexible. Like you do not have to do it daily. You can spread it out based on your schedule. That's why, you know, we send them via email. So once you get the emails, you have them for life. You can decide when to open them, you can put them away in a folder and just, you know, open them up one at a time, choose the one you want to do, do it however often you want. The connection challenge specifically is also great for people who are in a long distance relationship or military couples.

You can also choose to make your own adventure with this. So we've heard from some couples who went through the challenges and they're like, you know, I know you gave the whole option of picking one each day, but we actually decided like with the sex challenge, we did a sensual only challenge first to kind of get us warmed up and then we did a sexual only challenge next. So they turned it into like two months, basically spread out on their own time. But they like made their own adventure out of it.

Also we do want to mention, because we always get questions about this. If now is not a good time to start or, you know, something big is coming up, you're going on a trip, you are going somewhere for work or whatever. You can pause the challenge at any time. You can pause it the moment you buy it and hit resume when you're ready to start. You can pause it in the middle. You'll stop getting emails until you hit resume. So you can, you can. If life gets in the way, you can pause and we are there for you, ready to start sending them back to you as soon as you're ready to go.

So if you want to sign up for just the sex challenge or just the connection challenge, they're $139 each. But we're giving you a mega discount if you want to do both. It's 199 for both. And if you pre order our book@sex talksbook.com the book costs like 22 to $25 depending on where you order it from. But if you pre order it, we will give you a thirty dollar credit towards either the individual challenges or the package challenges.

Yeah, you're, you're gonna get a coupon link in your email that will take take $30 off one or both of the intimate and nasty challenges.

So you could get both of them for 169, which is wild.

Yeah, 169. I mean, basically you're getting the book for free. So like, why wouldn't you want. You're gonna get the book for free and a couple dollars off the challenge. Like why would you not want to do that?

So you can pre order the book@sextalksbook.com.

And then make sure you come back for step two after you pre order. That's the really important thing.

And if you already know that you want to sign up, you can go straight to vmtherapy.com challenge. We will put all these links in the show notes for this podcast as well, but that is all the information that you need. So like I was saying earlier, though, even if intimate or nasty doesn't feel like the right thing for you, we still do recommend trying new things in and out of the bedroom. That advice is still great advice regardless of if you're going to sign up for something with us.

You don't ever need to sign up for or, you know, pay for any of our things in order to, to take our advice. You know, our products are all about just making our advice easier to implement. Like to give you some structure, to give you a gentle nudge or a push. Like, it's not, you know, we're, we're not like this is the only way to do this.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

We just, we just want to make it easy and fun and exciting for you.

Okay, so let's get into how to talk to your partner about wanting to try new, wanting to increase intimacy in your relationship. Because I think this is an area where a lot of us struggle. There are so many different reasons why it can feel hard. And so we really wanted to walk you through specifically how to have these conversations and give you examples, too. So we're going to walk you through a couple of different scenarios because we know everybody's in different places in their relationships. So we're going to start with, you want to bring something up to your partner, but you don't have any indication that your partner is going to be resistant to it. So maybe you're feeling self conscious or a little bit nervous, but you don't have any reason to think that your partner's gonna freak out about it.

Yeah, they're not like, they're not generally a person that, I don't know, like, complains about stuff that you suggest or, like, puts up a lot of resistance for whatever.

Yeah. So it maybe it feels a little bit more on you that you're kind of the one who's feeling nervousness about it. So our piece of advice here is to really approach it in a fun and playful way. So if things are already in a good place in your relationship, again, you don't have any sense that your partner's gonna be resistant. Something you don't want to shoot yourself in the foot by making it seem like a big deal.

Yeah. So this is like, if you know, things are, are good, you're having fun and all of a sudden your partner's like, okay, I have something I want to talk to you about. I'm really nervous about it. I'm not sure how you're gonna react. Like, that is not a great way to bring it up. Because all of a sudden you're like, wait, things felt like they were really good and now all of a sudden I'm scared, like, what are they gonna say? Are they about to drop a bomb on me? I think so many of us build things up like this and end up kind of delivering messages in this way without thinking through, like, what is the experience like for the partner on the other end of it? Like you're just kind of priming them to expect something.

Exactly, exactly. Like if you're, if your partner is hearing you, like we have to talk about something and they see how nervous you are and your voice is trembling, like, of course they're gonna get nervous and on card, like, what's about to hit. So instead how you want to approach it is being very casual and excited and you really want to like lead the way by taking on the energy that you want your partner to have. So think about how you want them to respond and you approach them with that energy because your partner will match your energy.

Yeah.

I mean, in most things.

Yeah, we pick up on things.

Uh huh. So the way that you approach them that like, that's clues for your partner of how they should be responding.

Yeah, like my partner feels confident and excited. Cool. Like, yeah. You're not going to be like, oh, God damn it, I got to be scared now. Because they are like in such a good mood.

So if you're feeling really nervous about this, it might be worthwhile for you to just take some time to think about like, what is coming up for me, why do I feel so embarrassed about this or anxious about this. And really to kind of give yourself this pep talk and remind yourself of like, like, I'm approaching my partner because I value our relationship. I want to have even more intimacy. It doesn't mean that anything is wrong with the relationship. Like who doesn't want more intimacy in their relationship? So if you kind of give yourself that reminder of I have positive intentions, the end goal is something that we both really want. I think that can really help settle your nerves. So let's give you a few specific examples here and we'll talk about intimate or nasty in particular. Cause it just gives us something to work off of. So like you could tell your partner something like, I found something really interesting on the Internet. Today, a sex and connection challenge. I thought it would be fun to be spontaneous and give it a shot. Are you up for it?

Yeah.

Great. Thanks, babe. It's just, like, light is easy, it's breezy. It's not like, we've got to talk. There's something I really need to tell you. There's this, like, awful thing that we have to sign up for because things are so bad. It's just like, yeah, it'd be fun to be spontaneous and give it a shot. Here's another example that you could do. Like, hey, babe, you know that sex therapist and her husband who do that podcast that I love? They're doing an intimacy challenge, and it looks so fun. It only takes a few minutes a day, and I think we should do it. So, again, it's just. It's light, it's easy, breezy, it feels fun. And this is also the same way that you want to suggest trying any specific new thing when it comes to sexual or emotional intimacy in your relationship. So it doesn't have to be intimate or nasty, but the same kind of vibes of what you would like to try out with your partner. And I think when you approach it in that way, it makes your partner feel like they're getting the cheat code to something. Like, they're learning something fast and easy and fun that they can do to make you happy to make the two of you closer. Like, it just feels like an immediate win right from the get go. If you're saying, like, I want to try this, this sounds so sexy.

Yeah. And it's also like, you know, see. See the energy and excitement that I have now. Like, I'm. I'm happy. I'm excited. You know, it's sort of like you are. You're projecting to them. Like, this is the energy that I have around this, not this. Like, oh, I'm feeling timid or scared or nervous.

Yeah. I mean, this is maybe a weird comparison, but it just popped into my head. Like, let's say that your partner's making dinner. I don't know why I always go to the food comparisons. But so, like, if you tell your partner, like, hey, can you, like, make me some soup tonight? Like, that's not gonna feel exciting to your partner. Right. But if you're like, ooh, babe, you know what sounds so good tonight? Will you make me that minestrone soup that you made in the past? It was so good.

Or like. Or if you made dinner and you're like, oh, like, here's this bowl of soup I made I'm not sure that it's very good. I'm kind of worried, like, will you taste it and see, like, you're setting them up, up to taste it and think that it's going to taste bad.

So. Yeah, but, like, with the example that I was giving, like, when you're making a request of your partner, it makes it feel like they've already won. Right. It's like, oh, all I got to do is make the minestrone soup, and she's going to love it. Right. So it just feels like a cheat code, like what I was saying earlier.

All right, Vanessa, what if we don't think the partner is going to be on border or they maybe have a history of being a bit resistant towards trying things or whatever?

Okay, so this is our second category. Thank you for the setup, babe.

You're welcome.

So, first of all, we just want to normalize this. Like, of course, it would be great if anytime you suggested something to your partner, they were just enthusiastic and on board. But because we don't talk about intimacy very openly, and because there's this idea that you're just supposed to, like, find your person and live happily ever after, a lot of us can get. Get sensitive when we hear requests from our partners. Like, it can be easy for some of us, or in certain vulnerable moments of life, it can be easy for us to feel like a request means that something isn't great. So you start to get a little bit, like, yeah, self conscious about it.

Yeah. I mean, I. I can 100% relate to this. I think when, you know, Vanessa initially created the first challenge, which was the sex challenge, before I was involved in the content of the business, I was still working kind of part time for Vanessa and more just on the back end on, like, the operational stuff. And honestly, I was. I felt pretty uncertain about doing the challenge. It was. It was this. This feeling of, like. Well, like. But, like, why do we. Like, why do we need this? Like, shouldn't things be okay or. Or good the way they are? And then it kind of like, I, like, turned internal for me, like, well, like, am I not enough the way I am to her? Like, what's wrong with me that we would need something like this? Yeah, like, looking back, like, yeah, I regret, you know, I did not regret, but, like, you know, I wish. I wish I didn't show up that way, but, you know, I didn't have a history of really, like, leaning into trying new things with you in the same way that I do now. And I just, like, you know, Instead of being like, huh, I wonder what's coming up for me that I'm feeling this resistance, like, perhaps that's a sign that this is actually a really good thing for me to try. I just kind of was more like, shut down. Like, oh, God, no. Oh, this feels yucky. I don't want to try something new, because what if I'm not good at it?

Yeah. And again, this is just to normalize that sometimes we can go to those vulnerable places within ourselves instead of being able to see our partner's request on the surface level for what it is. Like, that desire for connection and intimacy. And I think the words that you use, like, why do we have to do this? That's like, a common thing that comes up for people is like, oh, why do we need to? Why do we have to? And you're taking it again in this negative way. So we have a couple of different tips for how to head off this kind of reaction at the pass. Is that the. The word headed. Headed off at the path, Kind of maybe headed off before it.

Something headed off. Cut the head off. Head.

Now heading off. Sounds like a weird thing to say, but whatever. Before we go any further, let's tell you a little bit more about zocdoc. So we originally were introduced to zocdoc by one of our team members who reached out and said, you know, zocdoc wants to do ads with pillow talks. I have used them for a long time. I used them very recently, and I think that this is a really cool, great fit for the podcast. So we asked her to tell us a little bit more about her experience, and she just said that it was incredibly convenient being able to use the app to find a doctor. And in particular, it had been, you know, I'm obviously not going to share any, like, personal medical details, but I think what she was going through was something that was feeling challenging in that moment. And she said that ZocDoc really just helped lessen the burden of that moment. It just made finding a doctor, finding care feel very simple and easy. And it just, you know, didn't add to what she was already going through.

Yeah. And it helped her see someone day of which I think is immediately. Which is really so huge. I've been through so many situations where I'm like, okay, I need to. I need to see a doctor. I need to see a specialist or whatever. And then you start looking, and then it's like, oh, my God, it's gonna take weeks before I can see this person. So, yeah, if I had been able to use ZocDoc back then and find someone good who could see me like today or tomorrow. That would have been life changing. Yeah.

So ZocDoc is the only free app that lets you find and book doctors who are patient reviewed, take your insurance, are available when you need them, and treat almost every condition under the sun. You can go to Zocdoc.com pillow and download the Zocdoc app for free. Then find and book a top rated doctor today. Many are available within 24 hours, so they. So that's z o c-o c.com pillow zocdoc.com pillow okay, so again, we do want to encourage you to lead with that excited and playful, upbeat energy. Even if you have a sense of like, I think this is going to stir up some resistance, still go in with those positive vibes. But what you can do is try. Oh, cut off at the pass.

There you go.

That's the phrase.

Cut it off.

What's something about the head? So get ahead of it. I don't know. Okay, so let's just say in general, you're a little bit worried about your partner taking it in a negative way. If that's the case, then lead with compliments. So when I was suggesting trying the sex challenge with Xander, like, I could have said something like, you know, our sex life is so amazing as it is, and this just sounded like something really fun to try that's new. Or, like a way that we could go even deeper or a next level kind of thing. So you're turning it into a compliment. Right. Another thing that you can do if there's something in particular that you think your partner's gonna be resistant to. So it's not just that they're gonna, like, put a little bit of a negative spin to it, but there's a specific negative reaction you think they're gonna have. You can actually bring that up so you could say something like, you know, I know you've been really hard on yourself in the past when I've tried to talk about this. So I wanna make sure you know, I love the sex that we have. So it's like you're not even letting your partner or start to go there. You're, like, cutting it off at the pass. Or another, like, a totally different example could be like, I know we've both been very conscious about how we spend money, but I do think that our love is really worth investing in. If you're worried that your partner is gonna get defensive about it, one thing that you can do to cut them off at the pass is to kind of give them an out by labeling things that have gotten in the way. So, for example, like, you could say something like, I know the kids have been so tough lately, and that's why we haven't had a lot of quality time together. Something like that. So it's like, you're making it really clear that you're not blaming your partner, so you're not coming in hot. Being like, we have to take this connection challenge because you haven't spent any time with me, and now we're completely disconnected. It's like, I know we've had a lot on our plate. You've been so busy at work. The kids have been a lot. It's like you're softening it by giving pointing out, like, reasons. And there are, for sure, totally valid reasons. Like, you know, it's not that you and your partner are just being jerks to each other and you don't care at all about the relationship. It's like, life has gotten in the way, and that's understandable. So just call that out.

The other thing is that I think it's so important to be willing to be vulnerable yourself. Like, when you are bringing this up to show your partner that it is okay to be vulnerable. Because very often that what that resistance means is that it feels like a vulnerable thing for them to want to try. So if you can show them, like, hey, I'm going to vulnerable, like, I'm feeling vulnerable about this too. That can really help. So, for example, you could just say something like, hey, this is also out of my comfort zone, but I'm willing to go there for our relationship. And, like, I think this is something that came up for me. Like, the first time that, you know, when Vanessa suggested doing this was that, like, I kind of felt like, oh, well, she seems like. She just seems, like, super excited about doing this, but, like. Like, I'm the only one that's feeling scared or vulnerable around it. And I felt kind of alone in that and then sort of ashamed that I was feeling that. And, you know, it maybe could have been nice. I'm not saying, like, Vanessa had to do this, but, like, it could have been nice to hear her say, hey, I've never done anything like this either, too. Because then it could have felt like, oh, we're together in this. Like, we're together in the vulnerability. We're. We're together in kind of conquering our fear or whatever it is.

Yeah. And I think that's Especially for the challenge. That's such a great way to lead. And then this last point, I kind of mentioned this one a little bit already right at the beginning of the, of this specific scenario. But if you have like a specific emotional or physical intimacy request that you want to make of your partner, you can pair it with a compliment about something that they already do really well. So, for example, let's say that you're wanting like more foreplay or just like your partner to touch you more. You can say like, I love the way you make me feel when you run your hands all over my body. It would be so hot if we spent a few more minutes doing that before we moved on to oral or whatever it is. So I'm obviously just making up some details here. But phrasing it in this kind of way, it just makes it feel like an easy win for your partner. They are getting a compliment, they're getting their ego boosted and they're getting this specific thing that they can do that's going to be a win, like they're going to make you feel good. So that's such a great way to phrase it.

Now the last scenario is if you're worried that your partner is going to have a bad reaction, like maybe things already feel like they're maybe in a bit of a bad place in your relationship or they've reacted really poorly, early to request that you've made in the past. Our advice then is to lead instead with the emotion of what it feels like when you have that connection that you're looking for. Because we definitely don't want there to be any arguments about the logistics of it, like, oh, well, I can't do that because I don't have that time. Or like, we can't do that because we don't have the money or, or whatever the case is. So instead of jumping into the logistics of like, why something can't work, they can't really argue logistics when you are initially leading with like, hey, this is the feeling that I want us to have. This is what it feels like when we are close. And this is what I'm looking for rather than it being like, oh, let's try this challenge.

Yeah, so we have a four step process for you here because we think it's really valuable for you to take a bit of time preparing for this on your own and finding a great way to phrase it with your partner. So step one is to think about some of your favorite sexual memories with your partner partner. Step two is to think about the emotions that Those memories evoked for you. So, like, what did you feel at the time? What were the specific things that came up for you? Because intimacy can take on different flavors for every person in every instance. So you want to call back those specific emotions. Step three is to think about what you're hoping to experience with intimate or nasty or with whatever other new thing that you want to try with your partner.

Partner.

And then step four is to take all of that information that you gathered, put it together into a specific ask of your partner. So we do want to, like, phrase it as a request, or you can even phrase it as, like, a favor to you, but you're being really clear that, like, I am asking you to join me in this.

So an example of this could be. I've been thinking a lot about that trip we took for our first anniversary and how we. We spent all day in bed together. That one day I remember just staring into your eyes and thinking, I must be the luckiest person alive. I know our lives are so busy, and it's hard for us to recreate that magic when we're struggling with all of our responsibilities these days. But I miss feeling so connected to you. And I've been following this sex therapist and her husband, and they're doing these intimacy challenges for couples. I really like their approach, and I think it could be an amazing way for us to stay connected. Would you be willing to give it a shot with me?

So this specific example, like, it might feel a little bit formal because we're, you know, we're making up details here, and we're trying to lay out all the pieces.

We're trying to turn it into an actual, you know, a conversation for a real piece.

Yeah. What you could do, of course, is, like, take this, add your own details, put it into language that feels natural to you. You can also send this, like, as a text or as an email if you just want the time to gather your thoughts and phrase it in the way that you really want and then give your partner some time to react to it. That's good for, like, situations that are really in a tough place. But that's the general framework of what you want to do here. And you'll notice, like, there were so many emotional elements to that. Like, it's not. So you're not going to get into this argument of, you know, well, you haven't taken me on a date night in months, and you never spend any time with me. It's like you're talking about, you know, I felt so lucky. I, I, you Know, miss feeling so connected to you. That kind of stuff, it just. It really lowers your partner's defenses and makes them realize, like, I want that, too. Okay, here's another example. I wanted to do, like, a slightly different situation. So a lot of times we hear from people who say, you know, in the past, my partner was really the one pushing for more intimacy, and I was resistant. And now, like, I've come around to it, and now my partner has kind of closed themselves off because they were so tired of trying for a long time or.

Yeah. Or someone will be like, well, I feel like I can't bring this up because I was the one that was the problem for so long. So it's like, how could I possibly bring something like this up? Even though now we're just, like, totally stuck because now neither of us are suggesting it.

Yeah. So the idea here is to be really vulnerable, lead with that vulnerability, like we mentioned before, and own up to any mistakes that you have made in the past. Past. So this really disarms your partner. It cuts off defensiveness immediately at the pass. At the pass. It sure does. Okay, so here's an example. I know that you've tried to get me to prioritize our sex life in the past, but I wasn't ready. I'm really sorry for that. I am ready now, and I wanted to take the lead. I miss how much fun we used to have together when we were first dating. Always trying new things together and laughing like crazy together. I've been researching different options, and I found a sex challenge for couples. It was created by a sex therapist and her husband. Would you be willing to try it with me? It sounds like it could be a lot of fun, so I know those were kind of long examples, but the good news here is that we are going to put a link to a free guide with these examples and more in the show notes. So you can download that, take a look at them, literally copy and paste them and put them into your own words, add your own. Your own details. But we didn't want you to feel like you had to just memorize the things that we were talking about, so we put together that free guide for you. Okay, so let's wrap things up by sharing a few fun stories from couples who have improved and increased their intimacy through one of our challenges, because we really wanted to show you that change is possible. We love getting stories from couples in a wide variety of situations because I think it's very easy for us to feel like that's not going to work. For me, or like, my situation is too difficult or we just don't have the time, or we have, you know, so much other stuff on our plates. So we love sharing stories, like, inspire everybody to celebrate the people who have had this and to really. Yeah. Make you feel like this kind of change is possible in your life.

And I think this, this type of change is possible whether or not you do one of our challenges.

Oh, yeah.

Like, it totally is. It's just that, you know, the way that we structure the challenges, we try to make. Make it as easy as possible for you to have more impact as quickly as possible, rather than needing to spend a lot of time brainstorming or thinking about how to do it. Like, we just have it all ready to go for you.

Okay, here's the first one. Just finished the sex challenge with my wife. We are the ones who caught a pillow on fire. I totally forgot about this story. This guy had reached out like a few months ago and shared. Shared that they were trying to, like, set this romantic scene. They lit candles and then they got so into what they were doing, they didn't realize that a pillow had gone onto their bedside table, completely caught on fire. And so they had to, like, grab the pillow. He said they grabbed the pillow, threw it in the shower, like, turned on the water to extinguish the fire, and then went right back to what they were doing.

Hell, yeah. Yeah. I think we were like, we gotta get more details on this. Yeah.

So let me go back to his story. He said it helped us reconnect after a series of life changing events. She lost both her parents and was in a major car accident, all within 15 months. We are closer than ever. Our communication in and out of the bedroom has improved, and we now openly talk about sex and what we both want without hesitation. So many added benefits than just an amazing month and have a few burn scars to remember it all.

Oh, so like, all you need to do is just light a pillow on fire? Actually, no, just kidding. I. But I. I just love the symbolism. Like, literally bringing the fire back into your relationship. You know, the pillow is a. A man, a physical manifestation of, you know, reigniting the flame. I love it. All right, here's another one. We took your sex challenge, and it got me pregnant with our second baby. Trying to get pregnant with our first kid really destroyed our sex life. After several months, we were having sex truly. Just approach, procreate, trying to get it over with as fast as we could because my husband's work schedule is insane and we just needed Sleep. Your sex challenge made it really easy to keep prioritizing fun, even though we had to have intercourse. And our prize is our nine month old today.

That's very sweet.

That is so nice. I mean, we. I think so many people can relate with the challenges of, of, you know, of keeping. Yeah. Trying to conceive and, and then, you know, trying to keep sex be this fun thing because you hear, we hear from so many people are like, God, like, I feel like our sex life just is completely ruined after that. Like, we've created, like, a negative association with sex almost. So I'm so glad to hear that people are using the challenge to have fun while on their TTC journey.

Next story. My husband and I did the connection challenge after being in the roommate phase for far too long. It literally taught us after 12 years together, how to communicate with each other. We're having way more and a heck of a lot better sex. We talk to each other and tell each other what we need in really effective ways. It really saved us. So I love this one for calling out that it helped them learn, like, what they need from each other and be able to communicate that. I think that's just, you know, it's the benefit of. That goes so far beyond just spending this month of, like, doing fun new things.

Things. Yeah. I mean, the, the challenges kind of give you, like, the language or the vocabulary to be able to identify. Oh, yeah, like, this is what I'm wanting, this is what I'm needing. And then you can express that to your partner who then knows what you're talking about because you've tried that thing before. All right, the next one, we did the connection challenge, and I'm telling anyone who's on the fence to sign up, please sign up. It was such a good mix of reminiscing and remembering how it all started, but also creating great opportunities, opportunity for building connection and conversation. We looked forward to putting the kids down and sitting down and doing the challenge. We always were in a better headspace after the challenge, which often led to better sex, too. One night after the challenge, we thought our son was sleeping, but somehow in the middle of the night, he came out of his room and into our room and he blurted out, why is daddy sitting on Mommy? So that was a bit of explaining after that one. Well, I'm sorry for the awkward moment with your son, but it sounds like it was all worthwhile for you. Totally normal that that is bound to happen sometimes in relationships. But. No, I mean, for real. I think the really important thing here Is like, more connection. It almost always leads to more sex. Like, sex and connection are totally related. Like, when we are having more sex, we feel more connected. When we are having more connections, we tend to have more sex. So, yeah, just, like, trying to identify, like, what is missing, what do we need to have more of to kind of help have more of the other thing, too.

Yeah. And that is why we created the two different challenges. It's because we realize how interconnected emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are. So. And why we love doing them together in intimate or nasty. That you can, of course, go with the one that you feel more excited about in that moment. But I think every couple could benefit from doing both and seeing how much of an impact one has on the other.

Yeah. You might be surprised. You might actually get more. More bang out of the one you thought you needed less.

Oh, okay. Here is one of my personal favorite ones. My partner was really resistant to doing the connection challenge. Like, I basically had to beg to get him to do it with me because he doesn't like talking about feedback in quotes. I kept saying, it's just five minutes. He kept calling it five minutes of hell. Like, come on, let's just do this five minutes of hell. Towards the end of the month, he said, oh, if we do this chore first, then we can do five minutes of heaven. I had no idea what he was talking about and thought he was trying to initiate some making out in the closet or something.

Seven minutes in heaven.

Yeah. Turns out he just changed his mind about what those five minutes of talking each day felt like to him. So I love this one. Honestly, some of my favorite stories from couples who've gone through our things are when one partner or even both partners were very skeptical of it. Like, that he was calling it five minutes of hell at first and then changed at the end. Like, realized throughout the process of doing this. Like, this is actually really fun. It's really enjoyable to the point where now it's heaven. Like, I just love seeing that kind of transformation in someone.

The next one is. My husband and I did the connection challenge over a year ago, and I think my favorite part about it was how we'd actually lay in bed and talk and not be on our phones. There were even several nights where we'd stay up hours too late talking because we'd get so into the topic. We still talk about it to this day, and we try to come up with our own challenge topics, and it's so fun. That is so sweet. I. I almost cried when I read that One. I think it's just, it's just so cute being like, all right, like, let's come up with challenge topics so that we can stay up too late and be tired the next day. I mean, I think. But that's like an encapsulation of, like, how good it is to have that type of connection. Like, I know what that's like, where it's just like, you start talking about something and it's so exciting, you feel so good about it that it's like, yeah, screw it, I'll be tired the next day. It's 100% worth it.

Yeah. I mean, I think with the connection challenge, like, the communication prompts are probably the things that sound the least sexy out of like, like, everything in either challenge. Like, people like communication prompts. Like, come on. But that is the thing that so many of us really miss in our relationships. Like, we think back to those early stages of the relationships and how we would stay up for hours, like, talking about everything and nothing.

Or like you're on a two hour date night at dinner and the conversation just totally flows versus, like, you're sitting at home and like, you. You can't get through dinner. Like, you don't have any carrying a conversation.

It's like we start to feel like we don't have anything to say to each other. You start to feel like you know everything there is to know about your partner. And. Yeah, so something as simple as those kinds of conversations, it can be incredibly powerful when you start having them again. And so that's what we designed these, these communication prompts to be. That it's a simple question if you're feeling tired that day or just have a little bit of time, like, you could have that conversation in just a couple of minutes, or you can go a lot deeper and end up having these, like, really sweet, tender moments of just hanging out in bed with each other. Okay, and here is our last one. Another favorite. When I originally asked my husband if he wanted to try a 30 day sex challenge, he said okay, rather reluctantly. I was about five months postpartum with our second baby, so I wasn't initiating a lot anymore. And I was looking forward to a great way to try to reconnect and get our sex life back. I signed us up and told my husband we'd be getting an email each morning with the daily challenge. Suddenly it clicked for him and he got it. He told me, I thought the 30 day sex challenge meant we didn't have sex for 30 days. No wonder he was so reluctant. Needless to say it was a great 30 days. And we talked about things we had never talked about in our eight years together. Rather than me looking forward to sleep as soon as we got the kids to bed, it added something to, to look forward to at the end of a long day. It was a fun, sexy secret we had throughout the day.

Bro, this is not no nut November, which is total bullshit by the way. Casey here. Then go. Oh, what's known November. Don't even worry about it.

Why are you bringing up a brand new topic right at the end?

I just, I just think, I just.

Think it's funny because I know sex challenge.

I mean I don't know, you see stuff like no intimacy and TikTok about that. Just don't, don't listen to that.

I love the misunderstanding here and then the like, oh, oh sure I'm excited to do it. But yeah, that, that description of like a fun sexy secret, something to look forward to and like and also talking about, you know, I think the normal routine for parents is you're so exhausted that you're just waiting for that moment that the kids are asleep so that you can pass out. But like this idea that it energized them both so much that they were looking forward to it. Like I mean who wouldn't want that? That's just such a perfect outcome. So we hope that you've enjoyed hearing these stories and again, even if you're not going to join us for Intimate or nasty, that it just gives you this sense of inspiration and motivation realizing that you can talk to your partner about bringing more intimacy into your relationship, trying new things together, that research backed technique inside and outside of the bedroom. And if you are feeling inspired and want to join us for Intimate or nasty, the doors are open now. We would love to have you join us. It's really the perfect Valentine's Day present. Gonna bring more closeness, more laughter, more orgasms, more sexy little secrets and more love. And remember, you can choose your own adventure here. If you're wanting to go intimate with the connection challenge, you can do that. If you're wanting to go next nasty with the sex challenge, you can do that or you can get those mega savings and do both, do them, you know, whenever you want to. You have lifetime access to them. And again you can order the book, pre order the book and get a $30 credit towards it. So I mean I hope this is feeling like a no brainer.

Do it all, do it all. It is going to be 100% worth your while.

But bottom line is. We hope that you know that your relationship deserves. Deserves all the intimacy in the world. Deserves all that intimacy and closeness that you've been craving.

Well, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about how to spice up missionary sex.

Gonna be a good one.

Sam.