Episode 91: “Is This Normal?” 15 Questions You Never Dared To Ask Out Loud

What would you respond to this one?

I think I would just say no.

You'd say no?

I think. I mean, I've never. I mean. I mean, the answer is I've never really thought about it.

And so think about it right now.

So, I mean, I just did.

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Today, we are answering one of the most frequently asked questions. Questions we get asked free.

Is it. Is it normal to stumble over. Is it normal to stumble over things like frequent the words frequently asked questions. Is it normal to doubt yourself when you are saying a common phrase and all of a sudden in the midst of saying that common phrase, you forget, is this a common phrase? Is this normal? Oh, my God. Is something wrong with me? Do I have a brain condition? Am I normal?

I've had some weird intros, you know, I was just trying to, like, go with confidence and I started doubting myself in the middle of that. The most frequently asked question, right?

Yes.

Why does that sound so weird? I was like, wait, is it answered Most frequently answered. Most frequently asked question that we get. There's something that sounds very wrong about that, but whatever we're talking about, the question is this normal? We get asked this question every single day, right? Like, is this normal?

And it is definitely not normal what you just did.

It's normal for me, babe.

It is quite normal for Vanessa, but it is not normal. And that's why I love you.

Oh, thank you. That's nice.

You're welcome.

Trying to turn this one around. I am after roasting me. Thanks to Dipsea for supporting Pillow Talks. Dipsy is an audio app full of short, sexy stories. If you're looking to light a spark or heat things up, there's a story waiting for you. Get an extended 30 day free trial when you go to dipseastories.com pillow okay, so we get asked this question very often. I think it's. It's really just due to the lack of open and honest and educational conversations about sex. We are all left feeling like something is maybe kind of wrong with us. Like we must be the only one who's into this thing or experiences this or, you know, whatever it is. A lot of us just like, yeah, feel that self consciousness. And I think that's what gets reflected when we're asking this question. Like, am I? Yeah. Am I alone? I can't be the only one, can I? But I think I am. So here's what we decided to do for this episode. First, we put up a call on Instagram and we said, what is something that you want to poll this whole community about? Something that you're wondering, like, does anybody else experience this? Am I the only one? Is this normal? So we got a bunch of those questions we went through, and we picked about 15 that we wanted to kind of play around with. So we took those questions and we put them back up on Instagram and put polls for every single one of, like, yes, do you experience this or not? Because, spoiler alert. We think that everything is normal. Right? Like, as long as you're consenting adults, everybody knows what's going on. Like, it's fine for you to like whatever you like. It's normal. It's understandable for you to experience whatever it is that you experience.

So it is normal to dislike whatever you dislike?

Oh, yeah, for sure. So we wanna be clear about that. And at the same time, like, we also understand that there is this curiosity around it. You know, we. We kind of wanna know. Yeah, are there other people who. Who go through this? Can anybody else know what I'm talking about? So we wanted to do the polls just to get a little bit more of a sense of, like, how frequently does this come up for people? So always, like, to be clear, you know, this is a sex positive, shame free zone. There's gonna be no, like, mocking of, like, oh, you like this? That. That is very abnormal.

Kind of like what I did to Vanessa at the beginning. Yeah.

There won't be any mocking other than what Xander just did to me. But I do think, you know, there is something really fascinating about getting a sense of how many other people experience something that you experience. So we're going to be sharing some fascinating questions, some fascinating polls, and breaking it all down for you in this episode.

But first, we're gonna break down this week's review of the week.

Look at that transition. So proud of you, babe.

All right, great resource. I'm a women's health nurse practitioner and struggle when my patients come to me with questions about their sex life, libido, etc. Unfortunately, we have basically zero sexual health education in School, and many providers have no idea what to offer our patients. This podcast has become a favorite resource for me both personally and professionally. I appreciate the work you are doing and so my patients.

Oh, that's really lovely. Thank you so much.

Yeah, thank you. That's awesome.

We really appreciate you taking the time to leave reviews for the podcast. It just helps get the podcast in front of more people. And so we do this giveaway every single week. If you leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, you will be entered every week going forward. And if you hear your review read, then you can email us@infom therapy.com let us know that it was your review that week, let us know that username that you left the review with, and you get to pick between one of four masterclasses. And when you email us, we'll tell you all your options run through them. But we have four different masterclasses ranging from like initiating sex to understanding what you want in the bedroom. And you will get one absolutely free as our little way of saying thank you so much for taking the time to leave this review. Okay, so let's get into these polls, and what we decided to do for the setup of this episode is, is I put all the polls up and have seen the responses to the polls, and I'm gonna make Xander guess the percentages because you have this uncanny ability. You're really good at guessing percentages in our polls. So we'll see. We'll see how your performance is. Maybe I will get to roast you as hard as you just roasted me.

All right, well, let's see.

Okay, so our first poll. Does anyone else like to sniff their partner's armpits? Decided to just, like, go in hot and heavy with the first poll.

Okay, I mean, are we talking, like, are we talking, like, sexually or, like, just in general? I guess it doesn't matter. I guess it could be any. Any of the above.

Yeah, any of the above I did not specify. So the options that I provided in the poll were omg, yes, not really, or well, now I'm curious, so.

Oh, wait, wait. So wait, now I'm curious means. Wait, like, oh, like I never thought.

I never thought about it before, but now I'm kind of curious to, like, go sniff.

Okay, I'm going to say that 15% of people said yes.

Oh, my God. 14.

Woo. Okay, so.

So coming in hot.

Okay, So I said 15. Yes. I would say I'm gonna go. Yeah, 15. 15. Okay, I'll go 15. 60. 15.

Close. 76% said not really. And 10% said. Well, now I'm curious.

All right.

Do you like to sniff my armpits?

I have. I don't think I really have ever. Yeah. No, not really. I'm gonna say not really. I do know that you. You do enjoy, like, not in a sexual way, I don't think.

Not in a sexual way, but seemingly.

Intrigued by, like, if I have bo. I mean, I guess I don't really.

You don't have bo?

I don't have Intense. I. Yeah, I don't. For me, I only really smell bad if it's, like, been multiple days without showering and no deodorant. Like, I definitely have a musk, but it doesn't really get bad for a while.

No, it's really weird, actually. And it doesn't matter if you've been working out or surfing or anything. You don't. Yeah, you get, like. You can smell your body odor, but it's like, I get stinky. Like, I can smell my pits and then be like, ooh, that's not good. But I've never smelled your pits and been like, ooh, that's not good.

You. Well, yeah, but that may also be because you are intrigued by that smell.

I mean, I don't know.

I've never had anyone else sniffing. They might. They might be like, oh, God, you smell horrible. So Vanessa likes it.

I do like it. Not in a sexual way, but also because my nose is just, like, often very close to your armpit when we're hugging because of our height difference. Maybe I've just, like, had to learn to love it because I have to be so close to it.

Yeah. But, you know, I think the bottom line is it is totally normal to be. To be into or even turned on by your partner's scent. Yeah. Your partner's scent, whether that is, like, body odor scent, whether that's the smell of their genitals or whatever. Like, yeah, I definitely. I definitely enjoy other scents of Vanessa.

Mm. I know you do. Okay, let's move on to the next. Does anyone else have sex dreams about other people? Not their partner. So the options here are regularly, every once in a while, and rarely or never.

Okay. Well, I was going to say absolutely. Yeah. Like, everybody. Every. Like, pretty much everybody has sex dreams about other people. I would say, like, you don't have a. If having dreams about other people means, like, you have a functioning subconscious.

However, this is an important distinction. A lot of people think that dreaming about someone else means, like, you secretly want to be with them, and that's just not the Case. Yeah.

When you're sleeping, your conscious brain is literally taking a break, and it's your subconscious kind of, like what goes on below the service of, like, you being cognizant, and it's just, like, running amok. All right, I would say that. Wait, what were the options? It was, like, regularly and then like.

Every once in a while.

Every once in a while, rarely or never? I would say maybe. I'll say, like, 20% of people, like, regularly do. Maybe, like 60% of people the sometimes, and then another 20, not very often.

14 regularly. 63% every once in a while. 23% rarely, never. That was really good. That was pretty good.

Yeah. Yeah. I. I don't regularly. I think. Yeah, every now. Yeah, I don't. I very, very infrequently have sex dreams about people that I know who aren't Vanessa. I think I sometimes have sex dreams about, like, someone that is, like. Like, in this. You know, I've, like, I have no idea who that person is.

Yeah, that I've. I've had, like, a rare sex dreams about somebody that I know that's not you, but usually it's just kind of some, like, an unidentified.

Yeah. Like, indistinguishable person.

And I think sex dreams about other people, I think that they can be, like, a positive, fun thing. Like, I've woken up from some of those sex dreams and been like, oh, that was fun. And then I feel, like, this excitement and this energy to be intimate with you, and it's like, I know that it was just a dream, so nothing bad happened. I wasn't consciously trying to dream about other people. It's like, just something that my subconscious brain is doing. So I don't know. I think it can be, like. It can feel kind of fun and enlightening, enlivening and exciting, but it's not hurting anybody. And then if I'm waking up and, like, directing all that energy to you, I mean, that seems like a benefit to you.

Yeah, I mean, it. I. It definitely can be a discombobulating experience if you kind of, like, wake up and you think that it's. You kind of like, I've definitely had the experience where it's happened, and, like, I. I feel like, you know, if you wake up sort of at a key moment, then it's like. It feels like you've done something wrong, and then that can feel yucky. And then you're like, wait, no, that was a dream. It's all good. Like, I didn't actually do anything.

Yeah.

In Real life.

But I never feel guilty in my dream.

I. I. For me, it's a mix. It's a mix. It depends, I think, on when I wake up or, like, if in the dream I become aware of, like, oh, well, I'm actually married in real life. So, like, I've definitely had sex dreams where it feels like I'm cheating and I've done. And then I've also had sex dreams where, like, in the dream, like, I'm not, you know, like, you're not in the picture or something, or, like, the dream progresses and I get past that point, then I wake up, and it's like, oh, I had a sex dream last night. Versus times where it's like, you wake up and you're like, oh, my God, did something just happen? Oh, wait, no. I'm in my bed. That was a dream. Vanessa's right here. It's all good.

I. I think I very rarely, maybe never had a dream where it's like, I'm cheating. Like, I'm conscious that I'm cheating. My dreams are always just like. Like, you don't exist kind of thing.

Well, there's all kinds of ways it can happen, so.

Yeah, I mean, it's not like there's not that element of feeling. I think if I, in my dream felt like I was cheating on you, that would not be an enjoyable experience at all. But since my dreams are like, it's just this kind of alternate universe with this random person I don't know, and you're not in the picture, and I'm not hurting anybody. Like, that feels fun. Yeah. I wouldn't enjoy a cheating dream. Okay, next question. Do any other women love to receive but stuff?

Yes. I'm gonna say yes.

So the options are. Yep. Neutral, don't like it, and never tried. So we've got four options here. Yes. Neutral, don't like it, never tried.

Okay. God, this is. There's a lot to keep in mind here. I'm gonna say, just tell me what.

Percentage do you think. Tell me, what percentage do you think said yes and what percentage have never tried?

I think I. I would say, like, 15 said yes.

Oh, interesting. You're not right.

No. Okay. I think that a lot of people will have said never tried.

29.

Oh, okay. Awesome. That's great. 29% said yes. And I would say 40% have never tried.

Oh, you're wrong on that one too. 19% have never tried.

Wow. Okay.

That's. That is unusual, though, because I will say we have polled about butt stuff before, and we have much larger percent of our audience say that they've never tried butt stuff before. So 19 does seem a little low.

Well, I mean, we've been telling people.

About butt stuff, and we have our butt stuff, guys.

Maybe we're the ones who have. Well, and also, the number that said that they enjoy it is, I think, higher than I would expect if we just pulled, like, outside of our audience. So I think this. This is, you know, saying that we have encouraged a lot of people to try this and encourage them to do it in the way that will actually increase the likelihood of really enjoying it. So that's awesome.

Okay, so the results were. Yep. Was 29% neutral. 19%. 33 said don't like it, and 19 never tried. And I did clarify on this question. I said any sort of butt stuff counts, like penis, toys, fingers. It can just be, like, literal contact. It doesn't have to include any sort of penetration. Because I would respond, yep, to contact. I'm not as big of a fan of penetration. That can feel good sometimes, but just a little contact, a little boop. Can be enjoyable.

Yeah.

Okay, next question. This was kind of an interesting one. I don't think we've ever asked anything like this before. Does anyone else miss your partner's company after four to five hours apart? Very specific.

I'm gonna say yes again for yourself.

Or the overall answer?

Yeah, I also. I do miss your company after four to five hours apart. It's not like a, oh, my God, I can't handle it. Yeah, I mean, I guess I wonder if. Is there some amount of that behind this? Like, is this person really saying, like, oh, I feel, like, really uncomfortable after it's been this amount of time? But no, I mean, I. I definitely. You're my best friend, and. And I, you know, I tend to like being around you more than I don't, so.

Wow, what a ringing endorsement.

You know, I like being.

I tend to like being around you more than. I don't.

I mean, I'm like. I'm struggling to think of situations where. Where I would prefer that you're not there. Other. Other than surfing. You.

You warmed me up with, like, you're my best friend and hit me with the tepid. I guess I tend to like you. Okay, so you miss me when we have been apart for four to five hours?

Yeah, I do, for sure.

Yeah, I miss you too. But I do think you have a good point about sometimes for some people, there's, like, an anxiety that comes up around. It feels uncomfortable to be a part and I get anxious and I can't deal with it and I don't like it versus a yeah, I'm doing my own thing and I'm happy to be apart and having some alone time or spending time with friends or whatever it is. And, and I also, I miss you. Yeah, I'm thinking about you.

Well, I mean, I think if you do struggle with some amount of anxiety or bigger feelings after some amount of time apart, I mean, I think one like first really helpful step is to just allow yourself like accept the fact that, yeah, I am allowed to, I am allowed to miss my partner after however long apart. I think that it's easy to get this idea of like, oh, well, we are supposed to like alone time. We are supposed to spend X amount of time apart and it is abnormal for me to be missing my partner at all. And as soon as you start to identify, oh, I'm missing my partner and then you go, wait, nope, I'm not allowed to feel that way. That's like, that's when it can start to turn into anxiety because then you're having a battle with yourself of like, I'm trying to push this feeling down. It's only going to get worse because I'm not allowing myself to feel it. So I think, you know, first step to this is just being like, allowing yourself to feel that way. Like it is normal to miss somebody that you love.

Yeah, I mean the therapist in me could, could go on some different tangents about like enmeshment and codependence and all that kind of stuff. But there are some tricky dynamics that can come up around this. But in general, yes, I think that it's, it's okay to, to miss your partner. But let's go to the poll responses. So the options that I gave here were regularly, every once in a while or rarely. So I got a little specific on that one looking back.

But you know, you know what, I just going to go like split in thirds. I'd say like third, third, third.

Not quite.

Okay.

Regularly was 47% okay every once in a while, 38 and rarely was only 15.

Okay.

So a lot 85 of people say that they miss their partner when they're apart for four to five hours. Would you have responded regularly or every once in a while to this one?

I mean, I think I went. When I am away from you for four to five hours. Yeah, I regularly miss you. I think, I mean the key question is just what is the. How, how strong? Yeah. What's the degree of missing? Yeah, of course I miss you. You know, I don't, I'm not incapacitated. I'm not like, I'm not like, like, oh, I gotta, I, I gotta get home, I gotta change my plans or whatever.

Okay, next question. Does anyone else regularly have long dry spells? So this one's obviously subjective, so I just kind of clarified on the poll, like whatever. You define long, so obviously we are all going to have different definitions of that. There might be some couples who think like two weeks is a dry spell and others who think two months is a dry spell and others who think two years is a dry spell. So very, very subjective here. But for the couple, do you regularly have long dry spells? So the answers are regularly. Rarely, but we've had at least one. Okay, so actually why don't you just guess? What's the percentage that say that they have never had a dry spell? A long dry spell?

10%.

Ooh. 8%. Ooh, yeah, very good. So this actually surprised me actually. Guess this. What do you think? What percentage do you think said that they regularly have long dry spells?

40.

Higher.

50.

Higher.

60.

Yeah. Okay, 60. That's kind of mind boggling. 60% of our community says that they regularly have long dry spells.

Yeah, well then 60% of our listeners should definitely go listen to episode 48 next, which is all about dry spells and how to get out of them.

Yeah, how to get out of them and how to prevent them in the first place. And we do talk about the fact that dry spells are normal. Getting back to our buz the day here, it is very normal to just have ebbs and flows in every aspect of your relationship. And so you know, there's. The goal should not be that you're having sex exactly three times a week for the rest of your life, but just understanding how to like move with those ebbs and flows a little bit better. So that's a great episode. A lot of couples have told us that felt like a like life changing episode. So check that one out for sure. Next question. Does anyone else struggle to fall asleep after sex?

Nope.

That's your answer. So the answers are yes, doesn't affect my sleep or actually helps me sleep better.

Mmm, boy. Okay, I'll say 40% said they struggle to fall asleep.

30%.

30%. Okay. And then maybe like 40% are like, doesn't affect me.

Good. 38%.

38. And then yeah, the remainder, whatever the remainder is.

Yeah. So actually the most common answer was it doesn't affect my sleep, then helps me sleep better. And then yes.

Oh, so you are in the minority here.

You know, honestly, I think that if I was responding to this one, I would, I would go more into like, doesn't affect my sleep.

Interesting.

There, there definitely are times after we have sex. Sometimes I feel, I do feel a little bit amped up. Like I feel, I feel energized by sex in general. So like, if we have afternoon sex or morning sex, I'm like, okay, good.

To go, ready to conquer the day.

And there, there have been a few times with nighttime sex that I feel like I'm maybe staying awake like a couple min longer. But it's not something like, I think the person who wrote this one in, they sent a longer message about how it affects their sleep so much that they actually don't want to have sex. I've never experienced that. It's like a little minor inconvenience. But for me, it's like I would rather have sex and be up for a few more minutes than not have sex at all. But sometimes in a rare times, I feel like there have been times that it did help me go to sleep faster too. So I would just kind of land in the middle of like, it's, it's all over the place.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, for me, I used to feel super knocked out after sex.

Yeah. Like bad.

Yeah.

Comatose.

Yeah, comatose. I feel like now I'm, I'm pretty in the middle. Like, I, I, I can jump up after sex.

Now you're, you're still definitely tired. Like, it, it makes you more tired.

Yeah. Like if we have sex right before bed, then, yeah, great, I'm going to pass out. But if we have sex in the middle of the day, I'm, I'm like, I'm fine.

I don't know, buddy. There have been plenty of times where I'm like, okay, come on, let's get up and go. And you're like, oh, it just feels so good to. Liar.

I'm savoring the moment.

Okay, next one was for men only. And the question was, do any other men get turned on by the idea of seeing your female partner with another man? So I made it clear in this one, this is like, about the idea of it. Because one thing that comes up a lot with the am I normal? Is this normal? Question is fantasies. And a lot of people feel like they fantasize about things, but then they get really nervous about trying them out in real life. And so we often talk about it's okay to fantasize about something and never try it in real life. You might already know, I don't want to try it in real life. Or you might just. Just feel, like, kind of unsure and uncomfortable. But bottom line is it's normal to fantasize about something that you don't want to try in real life. So for this one, we just really wanted to focus on the idea of seeing your female partner with another man. Not like, okay, he's coming over tonight, Are you going to let it happen kind of thing. So the answers are yes, very. Kinda. It's intriguing. And nope.

Well, I know this is. I know this is a fairly common fantasy. There's a name for it. What is the name for cuckolding fantasy?

Or do you know the other name for it?

Ooh, no, I don't.

Hot wifing.

Hot. Oh, yeah, I have heard that before. Hot wiping. Okay. I would say that maybe 20% of men said like, yeah, very.

13.

Okay, 13. I was. Maybe I was like, maybe I should.

Have gone a little aggressive.

Yeah, I know. Maybe then like, 20. No. And then like 20% could be intrigued.

Yes. Very good.

All right. And then everyone else says no.

Everyone else says no. What would you respond to this one?

I think I would just say no. You'd say no, I think. I mean, I've never. I mean. I mean, the answer is I've never really thought about it.

And so think about it right now.

So, I mean, I just did. I mean, I've had plenty of opportunity to think of it, and it's not something that comes mind. So I would go with no. Like, it's not something that. Yeah, I just. It's just not something that comes to mind or that I think about. So. Yeah.

Okay.

What about you?

I. No, I would say no, I would not get turned on by the idea of seeing you with. Well, if we flip. If.

Yeah.

Flop it around. Flip it around.

Flip the genders, flip the partners.

Flip it around. I would not get turned on by the idea of seeing you. You with another woman.

Okay, well, that answers that.

I think, you know a lot of men who are really into this fantasy for them. There are some men that are into kind of like the humiliation aspect of it. Like, in particular, if it would be a man who has a larger penis and was kind of. There was some dirty talk about how, like, oh, I can give it to you better than your husband can, or like, yeah, maybe forced to watch it.

Yeah.

So there's. Yeah, there can be this element of, like, where that the humiliation and the shame of it actually feel really, really thrilling. A lot of us get turned on having energy in the bedroom that we feel like we're not supposed to or not allowed to show outside of the bedroom. So that's very true. And it also comes up a lot around bdsm. A lot of very high powered, you know, executive level men love being super subservient and dominated in the bedroom because there's just this thrill of like, yeah, that's not supposed to be who I am or I'm not allowed to be like that. So we get, we get off on the idea of playing with that energy.

Yeah, playing with the, like, polarizing energy.

Exactly. So we've all heard the advice to keep it spicy, mix things up in the bedroom with our partner. But today we want to talk to you a little bit more about keeping it spicy with yourself. So we're excited to introduce you to Dipsea. Dipsea is an app full of hundreds, hundreds of short sexy audio stories designed by women for women. This app is so freaking cool. I actually first heard about it many years ago from a client of mine who came in and said she had discovered Dipsea and she just could not believe how turned on she was by being able to listen to these sexy audio stories. Just this feeling of like being totally immersed in an experience. I think a lot of us don't think about audio as one of the things, it's the senses that can really turn us on. But it absolutely can. So I checked out Dipsy years ago and I loved it. I'm so excited that they are a podcast sponsor now because I think you are going to love it too. Seriously, if you have never tried listening to an audio sexy story, you have got to try it at least once. And Dipsea makes it really, really easy with this 30 day free trial that you can get. There are a couple other things that I really like about them. They are always refreshing the content. They also have a new section of stories like sleep stories. They have wellness sessions on top of all the sexy stories. And they are radically inclusive, which is one of our core company values as well. So they have stories for straight and queer listeners. 56% of the stories are voice acted by people of color. They're just an all around incredible, incredible app. So we're so excited for you guys to try them out for free. So for listeners of pillow talks, Dipsy is offering an extended 30 day free trial. When you go to dipsystories.com pillow that's 30 days of full access for free. When you go to D I P s E A stories.com pillow, dipseastories.com pillow all right, let's go into the next question. Does anyone else regularly feel like you have nothing to talk about in your relationship? So responses here are regularly, sometimes, and rarely.

I'm gonna say regularly. 50%.

5, 050. That is. That's your most wrong response.

Okay. All right. All right.

Regularly feel like you have nothing to talk about.

Okay, say sometimes. 50%.

There you go.

Okay. Regularly, I'll do, like, 25, and then the never is another 25.

This one actually did surprise me a little bit. Regularly was 15%.

Okay.

I feel like we hear. We get so many dms from people who say that they just, like, don't have anything to talk about.

That's why I went big.

Yeah, I would have guessed it. I wouldn't have guessed 50. I probably would have guessed, like, 35. 40. The 50% for sometimes doesn't surprise me, but the 36% for rarely, that does surprise me as well.

Yeah, Well, I mean, because also with sometimes, it's like, sometimes could be a lot. You know, it's like, oh, it happens every now. Very rarely, every now and then. Or like, sometimes could be very close to regularly, but not quite regularly.

I know it's hard to pick these answers sometimes I'm, like, trying to be specific as I can, but this is a very, very normal and common thing that happens in relationships. Whether it's, you know, happening every once in a while or rarely or regularly. Like, it just. Yeah, we can feel like we sort of run out of things to talk about. We run out of the energy to come up with good and creative and interesting questions to ask each other. If you've been together for a long time, you can definitely get to that point where you sort of feel like, you know everything that there is to know about your partner. And there can be apathy that kicks in, too, of, like, I just.

I don't know.

I don't have the energy to, like, get to know you better.

Or it's just, like, all my time is spent on the logistical. Like, all we have time for is logistical. It's the kid, it's the kids. It's the schedule, the household stuff. It's. It's this or that. And there's no. There's just no time or space, or you just get so used to doing just the logistical stuff that you then forget.

Oh.

Oh. Like, we do need to make time for. For the mundane, the regular, the everyday stuff. And, I mean, that's actually why we just. We just released or sometime recently released a New product, a year of creative dates, which kind of gets at got, you know, 52 interesting, unique date ideas that can be done at home. And the idea here is just to help kickstart some of these conversations. I think a lot of the reasons why a lot of people. Why a lot of us get into these ruts is because we're like, well, we don't really ever do dates. We don't ever switch up the routine. And so we just kind of run out of things. And so, yeah, I mean, we've just been seeing incredible traction with that product. Like, it's. It surprised even. Even us when we. When we just released it. It previously. Previously just been a bonus for some other stuff that we'd offered in the past. And we started selling it and, like, it's. It's going like hotcakes. So it's selling like hotcakes. So pick up your copy.

Hot cakes. Okay. Is that one of the dates you make hotcakes together?

Sure. It's a. It's a year and one week of creative dates now. Hotcakes edition.

That's the 50 bonus.

It's the 53rd date. Hotcakes.

All right, next question. Totally opposite end of the spectrum. Do any other vulva owners squirt? Okay. Responses are regularly. I have, but it's not regular. And never.

Oh, God, I have no idea.

Guess never. How many vulva owners do you think have never squirted before?

50 or 60%?

66.

Oh, okay. All right. Yeah, I know. I had no. I have no idea. I don't think I've. I don't think I've ever been with anyone who has.

I had a dream that I actually have a, like, decent number of dreams about squirting. Well, it's kind of a recurring theme.

Interesting. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you about that one.

We actually have a whole episode about squirting. That is episode 49. If you want to check out the ins and outs of squirting. We've got some strong opinions about squirting, so definitely go check out that.

Yeah.

But.

But do tell us, what are. What are the other numbers so regularly?

7%.

Okay.

Only 7% regularly do it.

Yeah. I mean, like, Vanessa and I try not to. You know, like, people ask us about squirting all the time, and, like, we try to give of just the details about what it. What we do know and what we don't know about it. We try not to get, like, too deep into. Yeah, like. Like, we try not to get too deep into the numbers because right now at least, like there is a lot of pressure coming from men who watch porn basically to want their female partners to squirt because they think that it means something like, oh, you've had a good. She's had a really good orgasm. Or like, I did that with my dick. And yeah. And so like a lot of women think, oh, well, I need to be able to do this.

Okay. And just rounding it out, we had 27% who said that they have, but it's not a regular thing at all. Okay, next question. Does anyone else have a stronger orgasm alone while masturbating than you do with your partner? So here are the responses that I gave. Usually stronger on my own, about the same and usually stronger with my partner.

I would venture a guess that this. There may also be a gender split on this one. You know, the majority of our Instagram audience is women. So hey, plug out there for the men out there. Definitely follow us on Instagram so that we have a more representation or.

And non binary friends as well. We try to do.

Anyone. Anyone who is not a woman, please follow us. Please, please follow us.

Now you sound really rude and sexist.

If your partner is not a woman, please encourage them to follow us so that we can give better results.

More representative breaking is Xander Marin doesn't like women anymore.

Wow.

Doesn't want women to follow him anymore.

That's. That's, that's one take on that. But yeah. So I think that, you know, with the majority of people responding being women, I would not be surprised that you would have a stronger orgasm while masturbating because you are most likely stimulating the part of you that is going to give you the strongest orgasm, which is the clitoris. And oftentimes during intercourse or sex with your partner, unless they are also a woman and know exactly what to do to you very often, I wouldn't be surprised if your orgasm is not as strong because it's kind of a subpar stimulation, so to speak. So why don't we say 60%?

Oh, you're very wrong.

Oh, okay.

Okay. Usually stronger on my own is 37%.

Oh, okay. Okay.

Interestingly, usually stronger with my partner was 36% okay. And then about the same as 28% okay. I like your reasoning. I think your reasoning is totally spot on.

Maybe it's that. Maybe it's that women may be more likely to be capable of having a stronger orgasm from masturbation. I don't know. Who knows?

Yeah, I'm actually, I am surprised A bit by these numbers, because for the exact reasonings that you were, you know, listing out before. It's very interesting, though. But I would say for me personally, my orgasms with you are a lot stronger than mine on my own. There's something about, like, for me, just the. Like, I know the fastest path to get myself off. I can get myself off faster than you can get me off, like, by a long shot. But I think my body likes something about the unpredictability.

Yeah, definitely. I mean, I. I would. I would agree with that. I would say the same is true for me too. Yeah. I mean it in general. You know, it feels very different when somebody else is touching you versus you touching yourself, because when you're touching yourself, you. You know, you feel it in the part that is touching and the part that is being touched. So it's just a different experience, obviously.

Next up, does anyone else think about other things during sex, like your to do list? So answers are regularly, sometimes, and rarely. Regularly, sometimes, and rarely.

I'm gonna say regularly. 50%.

Oh, babe, you're losing your touch. In this episode, 26% say regular.

All right. You know, I'm colored by the. Colored by, like, the DMS that we get. Okay. All right.

Well, and then what do you think? Sometimes.

Sometimes. Maybe. Sometimes should be 50%.

Yes, there you go. 53. And then rarely is 20%. Okay, so this is another one that we have a whole episode about how to stop getting distracted during sex. It is very normal for random distracting thoughts to pop into your head during sex and during any time of the day. Like, that's just how brains work. Thoughts pop into our heads. We don't have control over them. So there's nothing wrong with that. But it's learning how to navigate those thoughts in the moment so that they don't wind up fully distracting you. So I would answer to this one. I'd say sometimes. Sometimes random things pop into my head. But I've gotten good at using the techniques in episode 43 to bring myself back into the moment quickly so I don't go into this distraction spiral. This is interesting. The three episodes that we spoken about already are all in the 40s. 48, 49, and 43.

Those were some good episodes. 40s, man. Back in the 40s, things were just better back in the 40s, things were.

Selling like hotcakes back in the 40s.

Oh, yeah. I mean, people were eating hotcakes back in the 40s.

What would you respond to this?

I don't think of others. I mean, very Very rarely.

Not even just like random little thought pop into your head.

I mean, if I do, it would be. Yeah, a very random thought and then it's gone. The next it's, I think when I'm having sex, I think about sex.

What are you thinking in your head? What are the thoughts? Sex, Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. No. Ew. I hate that.

Whoops. No, I, I, I'm gonna prefer it's.

Like that LMFAO Shots song.

Yeah.

Instead.

Basically. Yeah.

But really, though, what are you thinking in your head?

I don't know.

I'm just thinking about thinking conscious thoughts.

Not that much. I'm just doing like, oh, like, this is hot. Like, oh, yeah. Or like, maybe I'll think about, oh, like, maybe we should do this, maybe we should do that. This is what I'm gonna do next.

I don't know. They're just like long periods of silence, though.

Yeah.

Interesting.

Peace.

We do talk in that episode about some of the differences between, you know, men and women. In particular, differences between the way that our brain work and how they can show up during sex. That's another very interesting episode. Next question. Does anyone else fantasize about a same sex experience without actually wanting to do it in real life? So this was, this is a black and white one for me. I have or I haven't. Have you ever fantasized about a same sex experience without actually wanting to do it in real life?

I'm gonna say like 50 or 60%. Yeah.

Yes, 60%.

Oh.

And this one, I think, comes down to us having a highly female audience on Instagram. This is something that it's interesting because we don't, we don't have the science to show. Like, is it that women just feel, like, naturally are more turned on by the idea of a same sex fantasy, or is it that women feel like it's more society societally or socialized to, like, permissible?

Yeah, well, I mean, yeah, the reality is we see it everywhere. I mean, in movies and books.

And it's a lot more socially acceptable for women to, like, experiment. And it's hot, you know, for two women to hook up, Two straight women to hook up is like, oh, yeah, that's sexy. But when, you know, societally, when people think of, like, two straight men hooking up, people wouldn't say that's hot the same way that they would with two straight women.

Yeah, most people wouldn't.

Most people. Yeah.

No, I'm talking about.

That's not my personal belief. I'm talking about what our society has taught us is acceptable and not acceptable. There's definitely much more of a taboo that personally I completely disagree with. But there's definitely a taboo societally on men hooking up with men.

Yeah.

What would you respond to this?

I don't, I. Yeah, I don't. It's just something that doesn't have you just doesn't come to mind.

Have you ever allowed yourself to play with it just as a thought exercise? Like, let me just think about what would it be like to be with another man?

Yeah. And it's, it's just not. There's nothing exciting about it.

It's not exciting.

There's nothing exciting about it. I mean. Yeah. The furthest, furthest I've gone with this and I've told this story before was like, like a, a pansexual spin the bottle party in, in college. And I think I, I kissed two, two gay men who were my friends. And it was not a good experience for either of us. Like, it was sort of like we, we did it. It was like, okay, let's try this. And we both did it. And it was like. And it was like, nope, that did not feel right. And so that's, that's just my personal experience with it. With it.

Yeah. We talk about sexuality being on a spectrum and you're, you're just very solidly in the, the high straight.

I feel, Yeah, I feel pretty straight. It's. But it's, it's not like in an alpha way, like, oh, like, guys are gross. Yeah, it's just more of a, like, yeah, I just, like, it's just your genuine. Yeah.

Yeah. And this is another one too, where it's totally okay to fantasize about something that, you know, that you wouldn't want to try in real life.

Oh, yeah.

And I would also encourage, like, if you are having a lot of same sex fantasies to just examine, like, why don't you want to experiment with that in real life? Is it a genuine, like, I don't know, it's just fun to play with in my brain, but I don't really want to go there in real life. Or is there maybe, you know, some ways that you feel like it's not okay for you to explore or experiment and like kind of just play around with your sexuality a little bit? Because the bottom line is it is okay to explore your sexuality. You can have a same sex experience and it doesn't need to change anything about who you are, how you ident. So why not give yourself that permission and that freedom to explore yeah. All right, we've got just a couple questions left. Do any other vulva owners feel uncomfortable with your amount of discharge?

I've got no idea on this. I'm not gonna guess.

Really? You're not even. No. You have to guess. Okay. The answers that I gave were, I do regularly, I do every once in a while, and I rarely or never do. So why don't you just guess how many. How many vulva owners say they rarely or never worry about their amount of discharge?

60.

Wow. No. 35.

Okay.

18% says I do regularly. 47% said I do every once in a while. 35. I rarely or never do. So here's what we need to normalize here. Vulvas have discharge. Daily discharge. It is. I like you're. You're nodding along. Mm. It is totally normal for you to experience a little bit of discharge, a lot of discharge, like, on a daily basis.

It means your vulva is working.

Means your vulva's working. Vulvas are self cleaning. They're always, like, flushing themselves out, keeping themselves at the proper ph balance. And so that's a lot of what that discharge is. It's just a result of the natural, healthy cleaning process. But I think discharge is something that we just don't talk about very regularly or openly. So a lot of vulva owners feel like something is wr with them if they're experiencing discharge. We're also taught to believe that discharge is gross and, like, unhygienic and unsanitary. And so we're taught to do a lot of things that actually make discharge worse, like washing with soap and using panty liners, like, every day. Those are actually going to lead to more discharge. So it's really important to. We have a YouTube video all about proper vulva hygiene. We can link to that in the show. Notes, notes. There are very simple things you need to do to just leave your vulva alone. Let it do its thing. It will take care of itself, and do not worry about discharge. I know it can be a little bit annoying when you're just experiencing that dampness, like, in your pants and your underwear. But that's. It's just a body doing body things. It's totally normal and natural. Okay, second to last question. Does anyone else want an open relationship? So the options that I gave were, I'm in one. I do. I'm curious but unsure, and I don't. So why don't you guess what percentage says, say they don't want an open relationship?

I'm gonna say 70. Ooh.

87.

Okay.

A lot higher.

All right.

Yeah, we had 1% said I'm in 1 2% said I do. 11% said I'm curious but unsure, and 87% said I don't. And we have another episode here that is also in the 40s. Episode 44 walks you through how to open up your relationship the right way.

Damn those 40s.

I know. Really, those 40s. We're just. We're just going off in the 40s, so we'll link to that episode as well. It's a great episode. And bottom line here is that it is totally normal to explore different relationship structures. Monogamy is not the right thing for every single person. It's okay.

It's definitely not the only thing.

It's not the only thing. And yeah, it's totally normal. It's okay. It's great to explore other relationship structures. We talk in that episode about even if you are wanting to be in a monogamous relationship, that that should be a conscious decision that you're making rather than just something that you're defaulting to. So are you consciously choosing monogamy today?

Today I am, yes.

What about tomorrow?

Tomorrow, I believe I will be too.

What about next year?

I think, you know, for the time being, I'm pretty. I'm pretty consciously monogamous. We've definitely talked about what it could or would be like to. To consider something different. And at least for me, like, I. I enjoy being in a monogamous relationship. The thought of juggling multiple things feels kind of exhausting to me. I'm not ready to do kind of the work that would probably be required to successfully do that. And I'm very happy with the way things are now, so I don't feel a pull to do anything differently.

Yeah, I feel the exact same way. But I like that for us, it is a conscious decision, and we've given ourselves the space to explore. Like, what would that look like? You know, is that something that we're interested in and we're on the same page about it, but it can also be a conversation at later stages in life too.

Yeah, we've definitely not locked each other into it. And that being said, we check in about it occasionally, and we both tend to come back pretty firmly monogamous each time. But who knows? Maybe someday things will change on the monogamy spectrum.

We're high up on the. On the monogamy end. Okay, last question. Does anyone else feel like you don't know what you want when it comes to sex? So the Responses for this one are I don't know what I want, want somewhat and I know what I want.

I'm gonna say 15 of people said they don't know what they want.

Hey, exactly. You're ending on a high note.

Great. 15 didn't know. And then I'm gonna say that 35% said.

Okay, okay, wait, 35% said what, like the what I know what I want or somewhat.

Somewhat?

No, sorry, you're ending on a low note.

35% said I know what I want.

54% said somewhat. Okay, that's a lot of people. So only 30% said that they know what they want. 70% of our Instagram audience, at least to some degree, don't fully know what they want. That's wild. Yeah, 70%. So good news is, you're in the right place because following us, listening to this podcast, following us on Instagram at Vanessa and Zander, we are all about teaching you what you need, what you want, what you like. And we even have a whole masterclass called how to Know what yout Want in the bedroom. It's $19. We will link to that in the show notes down below. So that wraps up up our Is this normal Poll.

Hopefully you're feeling super normal now because everything's normal. Because no one is the only person in the world to really like or want or do something. I hate to break it to you, you're not actually alone. There are more of you.

So we will link a couple of things in the show notes for you. Our butt stuff guide to help you get more comfortable and confident exploring back door year of creative dates, how to know what you want in the bedroom masterclass and our vulva hygie YouTube episode.

All right, well, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we give you the brutally honest details of our New York Times best selling book launch.

We are going to be spilling the tea. Sam.